Nintendo has always been the game changer when it comes to the video game industry. There is rarely a genre they haven’t had their hand on at some point in their illustrious history. They created the 3D-platformer with Super Mario 64, dabbled in First-Person shooters with Metroid Prime and made a non-threatening RTS fun with Pikmin. Nintendo have even created their own “genres” with games like Luigi’s Mansion.
One area that Nintendo has yet to set foot in is the online, competitive shooter market. Well, Nintendo has done it again: this time with their new 3rd Person, online arena shooter, Splatoon. When Nintendo steps into a new genre, they don’t go the easy route. No, they choose to go in a more… colorful direction.
Splatoon invites you into the bright and cheerful world of Inkopolis, where half-human, half-squid hybrids called “inklings” rule the landscape. Everything about this world shows off Nintendo’s famous charm. From the humor of the store owners, to the almost squirt-gun like look of all the weaponry. Even the way the characters move and tentacles sway as they run is adorable. It is all sprinkled with that special Nintendo magic.
As you turn on Splatoon, you are dropped into the hub world, or “Booyah Base”, as it is called. In this world you are greeted with a variety of paths to take. You may head to the shops to upgrade your clothes and weapons, try out the single player campaign, or even take on challenges that are unlocked with Splatoon-specific Amiibo. However, the real meat of this game is the online multiplayer.
Currently, the main mode of online play is called Turf Wars. The objective is to cover the enemies turf with as much ink as possible. The matches are 4 vs 4 and are limited to 3 minutes per round. I know this may seem short, but Nintendo has found what I consider to be that sweet spot. You always feel that you have enough time to turn the tide of the battle, but not too long that you feel it dragging on. But what would an online shooter be without its weapons? Nintendo has definitely brought out its creativity for this one!
Splatoon is based on the use of four core weapon types. You start out with the standard Splattershot, a weapon that is very similar in appearance to the super soaker you would use for your summer water fights as a kid. It has a steady fire rate, and allows you to cover a fair amount of ground. The smaller version of this weapon, the Splattershot Jr, is very similar to the Splattershot, but fires in faster bursts but with less of an impact on your enemies.
The third class is the sniper class; also know as the Splat Charger. The weapon has a slow fire rate, because you need to charge it before each shot; however, once fired, it will streak a long trail of paint across the entire battlefield. This weapon is fantastic for taking out enemies, and finds its groove in a more supportive role in modes such as ranked battles.
Lastly, the final weapon type is known as the Splat Roller. As the name implies, this weapon is a giant paint roller. It definitely covers more ground than any other weapon, but it has the shortest range. The roller is often compared to a shotgun. If an enemy is close by you can easily just roll them over, but if they are at a distance you are at a clear disadvantage.
The game is controlled traditionally with sticks and buttons, but with a twist. While you move your character with the left stick and the camera with the right, you are able to gently tilt the gamepad for additional accuracy through motion controls. I must say that after playing a shooter with this style of control, it will definitely be difficult to go back to the older play style as it grants you a precision rarely felt in console games.
Once you cover the ground with your ink by pressing the ZR button, you are then able to turn into your squid-form and swim through the ink for additional speed with the press of the ZL button, filling your ink tank (see ammo) as you swim. You can even hide in the ink, which is a great strategy for sneaking up on your enemies.
As of this writing, Nintendo has just two online modes with 6 maps. The ranked battle mode and one additional map were recently added on June 1. They have planned free DLC through the month of August to add modes, maps, and content. The real question is: does the audience have the patience to wait that long? Within the first 48 hours of the games release, many players have already hit the max level of 20. Will the new content be enough to bring them back?
With the newly added Ranked Battle mode, the game forces you to think in an entirely different way. Where Turf War has you trying to cover as much ground as possible, Ranked Battle has you fighting to command a certain point of the map for a designated amount of time. Once you “claim” an area a timer starts to count down. If your team can hold it until zero, you win, but if the enemy claims it their timer begins to drop.
The match only lasts 3 minutes, just like Turf War, so if no clock reaches zero, the game divides points among the teams in relation to the amount of time left on each clock. Where Turf War is much more laid back, this mode is fast, furious, and in your face. This must be why Nintendo requires you to reach level 10 before you can even attempt these ranked battles. This mode does bring up a flaw with the game: no voice chat.
With games like Turf War, where not much strategy is involved, the absence of voice chat doesn’t seem to be much of a hindrance. Yet when you are playing the rank battles, you really need strong teamwork to succeed; so this flaw becomes more apparent. While the game is still enjoyable, it would have helped the overall experience.
The online multiplayer is something that is very ambitious for Nintendo, while still showing their fear of stepping into the unknowns of the online space. They appear to be dipping their toe in the water, instead of a full-on cannonball of content. Could this approach backfire on them? Nintendo is not known to release a game “incomplete”, so the staggered release may all be part of their overarching plan.
Splatoon is made for its multiplayer; nevertheless it does also feature a single player “campaign” of sorts. The word campaign should be taken lightly though, as it is more mini-challenges linked by boss battles, instead of a full on story mode. It is great that Nintendo added this mode to extend Splatoon‘s content, yet it takes roughly 5-6 hours to complete as long as you don’t try to search and collect everything. It is no Titanfall “campaign”, thank goodness, but it is still on the shorter side.
To increase the single player, Nintendo has added additional challenges through Amiibo support. Depending on the Amiibo you choose, you will play through the single player “campaign” again, only this time with special circumstances. The girl Inkling makes you play through with a Splat Charger, the boy Inkling makes you play through with a Splat Roller. The Squid Amiibo adds different challenges, such as completing a course under a certain amount of time or with a certain amount of ink. Please make note that the Squid Amiibo can only be purchased through the special Splatoon Amiibo 3-pack.
With Splatoon, Nintendo has done something truly special. They have taken what has been known as a violent, stressful, and super competitive space and turned it on its head into a family-friendly, colorful, addictive game where you never feel out played. Everyone stands a chance, yet the game remains challenging and full of Nintendo charm. While the lack of voice chat may be an issue for some, and the staggered release of modes and maps is frustrating, Nintendo always seems to know what they are doing. They have created something unique in a way that only Nintendo can. If you own a Wii U, Splatoon should definitely be part of your gaming library.
As is often the case this season, those at Pied Piper usually end up being their own worst enemy. Whether it’s Dinesh wanting to build the server room and blowing out the power grid, or the gang revealing in-depth secrets to their rivals at EndFrame; their misfortune is usually the byproduct of their own actions.
This continues in “White Hat/Black Hat” as Richard’s conscience, still reeling from his actions in the previous episode, leads him to meet with Seth Lee – the recently fired security employee from EndFrame. During their meeting, Richard’s best intentions to put Seth’s mind at ease creates the opposite effect. As Seth, irate over his unjust firing and Gilfoyle’s incessant torment, leads him to put a pox on those at Pied Piper and their system. This leads Richard going down a rabbit hole of paranoia, worried that they’re now exposed on multiple fronts to an imminent hack from Seth. Gilfoyle and Dinesh assure Richard that Seth will not, and cannot, do anything to their system. Still paranoid of an impending attack, he schedules a meeting with Seth yet again to reason with him. However, as is Richard’s main character flaw, his big mouth betrays him and he infuriates Seth even more. That night as the transfer from Intersite initiates Richard is a wreck. He paces nervously, constantly questioning Dinesh and Gilfoyle about the security – and then there’s a knock at the door.
Now although the threat of getting hacked turns out only to be an adult themed ‘Boogey-Man’ the real threat – as is often the case – comes from within. Despite knowing the vulnerability of their system and locking down the house (literally and virtually), Richard reluctantly lets Russ into his house. He’s there to pick up their celebratory drinking session, but Richard finally puts his foot down, snapping on him for not giving them their promised funding. This leads to an absurd scenario where Russ shows them his reacquired MacClaren, when (predictably) everything goes to shit. Files are disappearing off Intersite’s server and neither they nor Pied Piper know why. Richard presumes that it’s Seth getting retribution, until Russ lifts his Tres Commas tequila bottle off one of the laptop’s ‘Delete’ key. Yet again Pied Piper was – to quote Erlich from an earlier episode – “hoisted by their own petard.”
This trend of self-destruction, can be fun (albeit nauseating) to watch, but it’s getting a bit tired. I can no longer enjoy any headway the group makes as I know newer, more serious pitfalls, will eventually arise. Now, some might call this storytelling, and while I agree that the show does a great job placing new obstacles in their way while continually raising the stakes, I feel that their characters aren’t learning from these misfortunes and that sheer luck is the only thing keeping them above water. It’s this “one step forward, two steps back” method of storytelling that wears on my enjoyment of the show.
Early in this season Pied Piper was up against external factors, coming chiefly from Gavin Belson. But after that UFC debacle, he’s aware of how terrible an operating system Nucleus. Thus his attention is focused elsewhere as he fends off adversaries of his own – manifested as the big bad Hooli Board of Directors. During one of their meetings, he dismisses the extensive marketing campaign as “in the box”, touting Nucleus’ revolutionary capabilities should be shrouded in mystery until its release. He also courts Bannerchek again, bringing him in as scapegoat for the devices pitfalls. After seeing the device, Bannerchek literally flees “doing 73 in a 25” to get as far as he can from Belson and his ruse.
This episode’s subplots were more entertaining – possibly because they didn’t induce nausea like the main plot-line did. Other than Belson’s maneuverings, Erlich brings his other “incubee” Jin Yang to meet with Monica regarding his playground app. On their way inside, they find her smoking a cigarette – something that is highly frowned upon in Northern California. This leads to Erlich (yet again) delivering the best line of the episode. (“-this is Palo Alto, people are lunatics about smoking here. We don’t enjoy all the freedoms you have in China.”) The entire interaction between Ehrlich and Monica is refreshing as he’s usually accompanying Richard when they interact and playing second fiddle in the scene. This pairing of Jin-Yang and Erlich is always fun, and even though this isn’t a catch phrase style show, I’m still waiting on Erlich to shout out “God damnit, Jin Yang” at least one more time before this season ends.
My criticism of this show is all rather nitpicky, as I look forward to the episodes week in and week out. The dialogue continually wavers between good and excellent and the best lines are spread out evenly among the cast. I’m merely beginning to fatigue over the pattern of unfortunate circumstances that continue to befall them, but I have no doubt that I’ll be going through withdraw after the season finale in two weeks.
Showtime is joining HBO in offering a stand-alone streaming service which is slated for release in early July. Simply named SHOWTIME,the service will premiere on Sunday, July 12th, corresponding alongside the new seasons of Ray Donovan and Masters of Sex.
Just like HBO Now, the service will be available first to Apple customers. iPhone, iPad, iPod touch and Apple TV users will be able to subscribe to SHOWTIME as a stand-alone service on the SHOWTIME app anywhere in the U.S., for one monthly price $10.99 to view on all Apple devices.
Users who sign up through Apple in July will be offered a free 30-day trial. Subscribers will have “unlimited on demand access to every season of award-winning Showtime original series, and hundreds of hours of movies, documentary and sports programming, as well as the live broadcast of the east and west coast feeds of Showtime.”
“Going over-the-top means Showtime will be much more accessible to tens of millions of potential new subscribers,” said CBS Corporation’s President and Chief Executive Officer Leslie Moonves. “Across CBS, we are constantly finding new ways to monetize our programming by capitalizing on opportunities presented by technology. This works best when you have outstanding premium content – like we do at Showtime – and when you have a terrific partner like Apple – which continues to innovate and build upon its loyal customer base.”
Tangled is a better movie than Frozen. Yea, I said it. It’s also why Tangled is getting its own animated series.
Announced today by Gary Marsh, President and Chief Creative Officer, Disney Channels Worldwide, the Tangled animated series is slated to premiere in 2017 on the Disney Channel. Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi will reprise their roles as Rapunzel and Eugene, aka Flynn Rider.
New and returning characters include Cassandra, a tough-as-nails handmaiden, Pascal, the chameleon, Maximus, the horse, and the Snuggly Duckling Pub Thugs.
The cries for Fallout 4 have finally been answered as Bethesda released the first official trailer Wednesday morning.
The trailer, teased behind a 24-hour countdown that went live yesterday, seems to take place entirely using in-game footage.
Fallout 4 will be released on the Playstation 4, Xbox One, and PC. More information will likely come out during Bethesda’s E3 Press Conference later this month.
If you’re a fan of Fallout like me, then you’ve probably seen the news that Bethesda has added a countdown to its site for the next 24 hours, at which point the developers will announce something big for fans. Bethesda then added this image to all of its social media platforms, speeding up the hype train even more:
— BethesdaGameStudios (@BethesdaStudios) June 2, 2015
I want Fallout 4 as much as anyone, but I’ve been burned before. Do you even know how long I pined for a sequel to Legend to Dragoon? FAR TOO LONG. Fallout 4 has been falling from fan’s mouths since right after New Vegas dropped. Blah, blah, Boston. Blah, blah, Institute. NONSENSE. Bethesda is only planning to break our hearts. Know how I know? I did some snooping into Bethesda’s darkest corners and found these games they’re planning to release before we hear a peep about Fallout 4. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has to set the internet straight.
BRAHFYSDGFALJKSHERHSDFPWFFFFFI don’t want to put the world on a diet… I just want to make a flan in your heart…Eat scones and gossip to your dragon heart’s content!You are the chosen one.First quest: Avoid Moira.
I’m just kidding. Please, Bethesda, let your announcement be about Fallout 4.
I’m back…and, oh Jeebus, this was a terrible episode…
Hell, even Matt made the poor choice to watch this show and add some of his snark this week.
Matt? You wanna give us the backstory?
MATT: When we last left our heroines, this stuff happened:
Nikki Bella shocked everyone who thought she was a spoiled, materialistic woman who didn’t care about anything but money and having a super-hot boyfriend…by revealing that she was a spoiled, materialistic woman who didn’t care about anything but money and having a super-hot boyfriend.
Brie loves Daniel Bryan and wants to settle down but can’t because boutiques. She loves boutiques more than her boyfriend.
There are no boutiques where Daniel Bryan lives.
After trashing their in-house seamstress, Cameron and Naomi go to an unauthorized costume shop to get their stuff. Nobody bothers to measure anyone because that’s how WWE rolls. Seamstress owns them and then fixes their stuff. Funkadactyls can’t even beat an old woman.
In two episodes, Eva Marie disobeys a direct order to color her hair blonde. The hairdresser doesn’t know what “blonde” is and gives her weird blonde streaks. Eva goes apeshit and colors her hair Bright Red. She stays employed. Eva accepts a marriage proposal from her boyfriend and tells JoJo, her Diva roomie, that they’re gonna fuck all day long. Like everything else in her life, JoJo has no idea how to handle this and just shrugs. Eva wants to get to the top, lies to WWE Brass about being a dancer to pair with Fandango (who is actually billed, on the show, as “one of the top WWE Superstars”) and they take her at her word because if WWE Brass doesn’t care about costumes, they certainly don’t care about this. Eva lies to her boyfriend and nearly cheats on him with Fandango at a nightclub, then keeps her job after Stephanie McMahon tells her “never to do that again”.
LOST makes more sense than any of this.
Will they make better choices this week? Probably not.
Let’s begin…
San Diego, CA
Nikki’s SUV OF DOOM The twins are in bikinis (MATT: Somehow, Nikki’s giant boobs are flattened to the point of non-existence) and rolling around, talking about how hot it is but it’s worth it because people here spend money…which Brie says “grows on trees”. But it doesn’t really because, if it did, then you could get all the money you wanted. And tree-cutter guys would totally be rich. What do they call those guys? Neither twin has any idea. And Nikki says she’s stupid because she didn’t do any homework as a kid because of soccer and stupid parents. So she can’t “use big words anymore”.Neither twin can come up with a sufficient name for “landscapers” and Brie laments that having a twin has caused her to create “a special Twin language”. (MATT: And we cut to a completely phony scene where both twins talk like Downs Syndrome on Ex.) Brie takes over Google duties and finds out they’re called, “Palm Tree Trimmers”. Nikki claims victory! But Brie isn’t ready to submit here and she decides to Google it again. (MATT: PLEASE! SPARE US NOTHING!!! This goes on forever like some sort of fucked-up version of “Pulp Fiction” directed by Nancy Meyers. The debate is so intense, Nikki actually takes the time to GOOGLE IT. WHILE DRIVING. ON CAMERA. Hope she has those world-famous cop-convincing boobs ready when she gets pulled over.)
Brie and Daniel’s Home Brie and Daniel are packing. Brie says it’s tough to be on the road with somebody you love. Brie says their French Bulldog, “Josie”, suffers the most because they’re not around to pay attention to her and you can see her resisting the urge to compare a dog to a child with all her strength. Brie is seriously broken-hearted over Josie. The only time they see her is when they Skype with her. Yes, they SKYPE. WITH A DOG. Anyway, for reasons God couldn’t even fathom, they decide to move to Phoenix to be closer to Josie. Yes. They’re moving. FOR A SMALL DOG who, if she’s intelligent enough to Skype with her human owners, should be finding a job and paying airfare to move to San Diego. But Phoenix is the way they wanna go. Also, SCORE: Brie doesn’t have to move to Washington with Daniel now. He tells her they must tell Nikki and jokingly suggested, “Bitch, we’re moving to Phoenix.” (MATT: Hopefully, Phoenix meets Boutique standards or else it’ll get veto’ed.)
Tampa, FL
Naomi’s apartment Jon makes fun of Naomi’s hair. And she’s not wearing her engagement ring. She can’t wear it because she’s afraid she’ll lose it being in the business she’s in. Jon doesn’t give a shit. You wear that ring, woman. (MATT: His behavior is pretty disturbing in this episode.) That’s about the long and short of it.
WWE Training Facility Jojo and Eva Marie are training with Bill DeMott. Eva Marie calls Jo-Jo “a firecracker in the ring” which is so sadly ironic, considering she’s as irrelevant as the color on walls in person (MATT: Or in WWE). Meanwhile, Eva sucks in the ring. (MATT: Nothing’s changed.) Bill tells Eva she must control her body, during which time, Jojo gets hurt. She tells the trainer, “I took my bodyslam and I didn’t tuck my head”. Brian Duncan, WWE Head Athletic Trainer suggests she has a concussion. JoJo worries it’s the end of her training. I don’t get it, football players rack up the concussions and she gets one and she’s worried she’s out on her ass? (MATT: Well, actually, since Benoit, WWE isn’t taking chances.)
El Potro Restaurant Jon and Trinity are eating and he wants to know why Trinity doesn’t wear her engagement ring while she’s in the ring. Naomi states the obvious and says it’s the Kayfabe thing: they’re supposed to be “single” as competitors. Jon pretends he has no idea what she’s talking about. She assures him that, when they get married, she’ll wear it. “I want to keep our life private and personal,” she claims. When the date is set, she says “it’s official like a referee with a whistle.” (MATT: We’ve discussed and Googled trees, JoJo has a concussion, Jon’s a total dunce and Trinity knows nothing about sports. Ok.)
San Diego, CA
Random Gym Brie is still scared to tell Nikki about the move to Phoenix (MATT: She can’t lie about the boutique situation. Nikki will Google it and it’ll be a giant shit-storm.). Nikki says she would work out but she “already worked out” (meaning had sex with John). Brie calls TMI but it’s really not. Honestly, cutting to footage of them boffing would be more interesting right now. Nikki needs to look in the mirror to work out to make sure she looks good. Brie states that the Phoenix revelation is hard they have “a special twin bond; it’s a 29-year marriage”. Brie finally rips the Band-Aid off and tells her and Nikki says moving is too extreme, claiming they won’t have friends or even dog-sitters in Phoenix. (MATT: “Dogs don’t exist in Phoenix, Brie!“) Brie counters, saying that their mom and brother live in Phoenix and will watch the dog and they can be there also. “This is totally all-Bryan,” Nikki says, a phrase that apparently has rankled Brie in the past. Nikki worries that Brie will leave her “mailings” behind. Also, Brie has never heard of a change of address form. So, there’s that.
La Jolla, CA
Prepkitchen (Restaurant) Nikki and Brie have a meeting with the director and producer of their “feature film”, but Brie forgot to attend the thing due to packing with Bryan. John Ryan is the twins’ manager and he’s there with Producer, R. Scott Reid and director Paul Bunch (MATT: A B-movie producer and a short-film director who hasn’t made anything for five years…this meeting will bear fruit, I just know it.) Nikki goes Full Eva, lying to them and tells them that Brie is “parking”. Bunch makes an uncomfortable joke about making extra time on-set for her. Bunch wants to know if they can “do their own stunts” and Nikki just can’t resist and claims she can. Bunch asks about the sisters beating each other up when they were young…what kind of film are we making here, nobody asks.
Tampa, FL
JoJo and Eva Marie’s hotel room Well, we saw Eva Marie’s boyfriend so it’s only fair that we meet JoJo’s. His name is “Sebastian”. (MATT: This guy looks like your dorky, lanky friend in high school who never got laid once and spent every Saturday organizing his collection of Captain Power action figures.) JoJo claims he was her first real boyfriend and they’ve known each other since she was 5. (MATT: This explains a great deal.) He’s so worried about her mild injury, he rushed to see her in the hospit–uh, swanky hotel room. She introduces him to Eva Marie as his tag team partner and Eva, who must have been told to jack up the temperature by a Divas producer off-screen, says, “How do you feel about his one with her concussion?” Sebastian says that’s the reason he’s here. But, whatever, they’re off to the beach! (MATT: Concussion?! What concussion?) Eva Marie, suddenly an M.D., says, “and all of a sudden she’s cured!”.
Random Beach JoJo and Sebastian are at the beach for their “11-month anniversary”. They missed each other and then, they kiss while Sebastian tries his hardest to pretend he’s not gay.
And that’s about how much time is spent with JoJo and Sebastian.
San Diego, CA
MarkShane’s Workout Studio The Bellas work out with trainer MARKSHANE in his studio.(MATT: Seriously. The guy’s name is MARKSHANE. All one word. Just like THEDEMONKANE except MARKSHANE could actually beat THEDEMONKANE up.) Everyone in this scene is fucking hot and the girls already have amazing figures, so it really feels less like an actual gym session and more like a set-up for a scene on Brazzers.com. Later, Brie wears sparring gloves as Nikki pretends to know how to throw punches. Smartly, Brie taunts Nikki, gushing about how nice the new place in Phoenix is. Nikki’s starts going hard on Brie and says she won’t come help them move but maintains she’s still a nice sister. Nikki continues throwing punches even though Brie says she’s hurting her hand (MATT: Our cat strikes harder than that.) and even calls her “such a baby”.
Tampa, FL
On Way to Practice JoJo wants to go and watch people practice and learn from them. Sebastian complains that he wants time with her even though this is his FIRST VISIT since she started training. JoJo asks him not to make her choose between him and wrestling.
MATT: How did this even come to that?! It was, literally this:
I’m gonna go watch people practice.
No, don’t because you have to choose me over them.
Please don’t break up with me.
This guy’s been on the show for 90 seconds, just like JoJo. Why am I supposed to care again?
JoJo and Eva Marie’s Hotel Room Sebastian still fakes like he cares about stuff and JoJo tells him she can’t choose because this is her career and stuff. “I’m sorry you came all this way just for us to break up,” she says through tears. Then they break up. JoJo fails to cry for the camera and gives a straight-faced, emotionless interview with the same tone as somebody ordering a #7 at McDonald’s. The editing is amateur hour. Sebastian appears to leave with his bag as she cries on the bed, then she looks out at the hallway as he leaves…then he leaves her again but, this time, without his bag. Did he return to steal the towels? Did he come back for re-shoots? (MATT: I’m in tears, remembering all of Sebastian’s greatest moments on the show…like, remember when he showed up? And then they kissed on the beach in that 20-second scene? Then he got all insecure and broke up with JoJo? Such great drama on this show…)
WWE Training Facility Bill DeMott is watching Naomi and Jon in the ring sparring.When it comes to hitting a Legdrop, Naomi is frightening and explains why: “When I do this move, all my weight comes down on the girl I’m supposed to hit.” Bill tells her that Jon will adjust for it as will her future female opponents. “It’s important to do these moves that other girls can’t do and don’t do,” she says. (MATT: So, essentially the Divas train with the mentality of seductive women who go after married men.) Bill taunts Naomi and tells her that even Eva Marie could do a legdrop. Ouch. Naomi tells Bill, “I love ya’, babe…I’ll break your face.” and then does the drop perfectly but Jon grabs his throat like he’s been hurt. Then Bill mocks her and calls her “indecisive” while Jon gangs up on her and says that Bill “has no idea” and that ever since the wedding planning, “she can’t make her mind up.” (MATT: Sheesh…those women with their vaginas. They can’t do anything right. This whole sequence is insulting.)
Jon’s car Naomi is pissed that he let Bill talk about her like that. He pushes her further with the topic revealing they don’t even have a wedding date yet. Naomi says their work schedule makes planning a wedding too hard, so it’s been delayed. Even though they’re both rich and can afford a dozen wedding planners.
Eva Marie’s car JoJo wants her career and her boyfriend, Sebastian wants her to choose. JoJo, the hypocrite, admits, “If roles were reversed, I’d want him to come home, too.” Eva Marie thinks she should stay, claiming that they’ve “worked so hard” (MATT: “We’re the best! You sustained a concussion and I nearly got fired for lying to WWE Corporate! You’ve GOT to stay!”) She says it’s selfish to try to ruin your significant other’s dream. JoJo claims she’s not entirely sure what she wants to do. (MATT: So women are either liars or they’re indecisive bitches because men are always right. Is the next episode dedicated to having them all on their periods, demanding chocolate? Can WWE be any more demeaning?)
San Diego, CA
Brie and Daniel’s Apartment Brie chides Daniel for no reason, “If you’d had to do this move by yourself it would be just five boxes.” Good Sister Nikki shows up to help with a WHOLE BOX. Brie arbitrarily asks if she should leave a red costume unpacked. Nikki claims the red one gives her camel toe due to her boobs. (MATT: Yup. I can confirm this was a moment on Total Divas.) Nikki explains it by smooshing her boobs together while making sure to look right at Daniel who smiles uncomfortably and continues to fold clothes like a sexual harassment victim working at Macy’s. Nikki says her giant boobs pull the top up and grind the material into her crotch. Even Brie is grossed out and says Nikki shouldn’t say “crotch” so Nikki changes it to “vagina”, then repeats the word loudly for some reason. This marks the third time she’s said the word in three episodes so, for those with a drinking game, do a shot now.
Nikki complains they are taking too long to pack while she, herself, does nothing. Brie suggests she and her bad attitude leave for acting so rudely. Can of worms opened, Nikki says Brie’s late appearance to their future Oscar-winning feature film meeting was rude. Brie’s counter is perfect: “my being late was an accident and I apologized…you’re just being a bitch, so go.” Nikki does while taking more parting shots: Daniel “letting” her get a dog with their lifestyle, that she has to be the one to update their Bella website, that they’re moving because of a dog they SKYPE WITH. Nikki and her boobs leave to throw a Google tantrum, researching landscapers. She even slams the door to show she’s serious!
Tampa, FL
WWE Training Facility JoJo repeats she will learn by watching even with a concussion. Nattie FINALLY shows up. (MATT: Was she being cut because she wouldn’t talk about camel toe? What’s the deal here?) Natalya is such a great teacher she makes Eva Marie look like CM Punk. Matt will dispute this, I’m sure. (MATT: Nope. I won’t.) Natalya notices JoJo is not watching the ring so she takes her aside to talk. Natalya asks her how she’s doing and if her concussion is giving her problems. Just kidding! She asks if Sebastian has gotten enough quality time with her on his visit. How does Nattie know about Sebastian after spending four seconds with JoJo? Who cares? Natalya tells JoJo she was rejected for 5 years as a wrestler, and that they must compromise or the relationship will fall apart. Furthermore she might lose her boyfriend if she stays in, JoJo walks away in tears. Of course she does. Natalya follows, hugs her and keeps up the conversation. JoJo’s torn over wrestling and a kid who looks like Josh Hartnett’s teenage son. She doesn’t know what to do.
John Cena’s Car Nikki asks if John looked at her “planet” (a pimple). John tells her she has a temporary skin condition and that’s she’s normal. He, on the other hand, has disgusting toes. Nikki says he is perfect. (MATT: Total Divas Drinking Game – take a shot.) She states she freaked out at Brie and Daniel and John, being smarter than he looks, (but not an especially good boyfriend at the moment) asks, “What this time?” Nikki objects. Cena calmly tells her she has a short fuse and that she knows it. John makes her see that Daniel is not a bad guy and thinking of her (Brie) and him above others including herself is a good idea — he loves Brie and he’s thinking of her and her needs. They talk it out and Nikki seems to see the wisdom of John’s argument.
Tampa, FL
Naomi’s apartment Naomi is lying on a couch, wrapped in a zebra-striped blanket. (MATT: DAKTARI!) Jon turns on the TV and Naomi says she’s tired. Jon asks if they can talk and when she doesn’t answer takes the remote out of her hands. He complains they have been engaged for two years and she pulls the covers over herself fully with the blanket. He pulls the blanket off her. Naomi raises the good point that she’s only 25 and that she isn’t ready to start having babies the next week. They argue, she thinks he wants everything (marriage, home, kids – immediately) and he just wants her to take a step and set the date. She’s scared of marriage. And that’s that. He’s had enough. “If you were committed to me like you were to this f**king job, we wouldn’t have this problem. That job it won’t be there all the time, I will if you give me a chance”. And then he loses all credibility and sympathy by picking up and throwing a conveniently-placed drinking glass against a wall, leaving with a suitcase in hand. The breaking glass spot feels real. I hope it was. To emphasize how sad this is, Trinity sweeps up the broken glass in bare feet. She claims their relationship is usually all fun and laughter. (MATT: Boy…Jon’s a bit of an asshole. And Naomi, barefoot in the kitchen, cleaning up her husband’s mess is a dark, DARK metaphor for this episode and the series as a whole.)
San Diego, CA
Brie and Daniel’s apartment This time everything is boxed up. Nikki has come to apologize because Cena made her see the light. Brie is surprised Nikki is apologizing but is happy she is. Brie says she should be more sensitive to Nikki ‘s feelings and should keep her in the loop. Ironically, Daniel made her realize what a big change this would also be for Nikki and for them both. Brie says Nikki should help more with moving, Nikki apologizes for just bring on big box last time. She got it from a place that only had one box left. (MATT: There’s only one store that sold boxes?)
Kansas City, MO
Divas Dressing Room at Raw Naomi admits to the other Divas that she and her fiance fought a lot over the weekend. The twins tell her sometimes you need fights like theirs to gauge each partner’s level of commitments. Yeah, let him smash glasses and act like a violent douchebag.
Cameron who has been AWOL all episode returns to the dressing room. She’s the walking Plague from The Stand with tonsillitis, and a urinary tract infection and yeast infection from the antibiotics she took. Also, she might be contagious with the tonsillitis, but she has no idea. Nobody knows. She’s on meds and stuff. But she’s here. Everyone is staring. She says she’s been Job for the last week. Nattie says she won’t go near her. Naomi’s pissed and says that she doesn’t want to hear about “Cameron’s diseases down there.”
(MATT: And, at this point, I’m like:)
She doesn’t even want to be there that day, but Jane Geddes SVP Talent Management said they had a match so they had to be here (MATT: Because fuck the entire staff AND the fans.)
Backstage The Funkadactyls coincidentally run into Mark Carrano, Senior Director Talent Management. It’s Funkadactyls and Tons of Fun vs Bellas and Usos. Convenient, huh? Naomi begs Mark not to book the match against Jon due to their real-life issues but Mark doesn’t want to hear it and tells her to “check your personal stuff at the door.”
Cameron says she’s feeling terrible. Naomi says may beat Jon up for real. (MATT: What a healthy relationship. Why are these two getting married again?) Mark says suck it up and deal. As an added bonus, this is Noami’s first real match with Jon. “My body is falling apart, your relationship is falling apart,” says Cameron. Naomi says our title line, Planet Funk is Funked Up.” (MATT: WOO-HOO!!! We have a TITLE!!!)
Monday Night RAW
8-Person Mixed Tag Team Match Nikki, knowing Naomi is fighting with Jon in real life, is all over him, massaging his shoulders prior to the match start. Naomi ain’t happy about this and takes great joy in beating Nikki down hard in the ring, JoJo and Eva Marie are watching at ringside again (MATT: That’s pretty much what they do now…minus JoJo, of course.) and Eva sees the anger translating to the match’s intensity. In one of the best moments this episode offers, Nikki tags Jon in. In a voice-over, Cameron says that, in WWE in a mixed tag team match, men and women aren’t supposed to make contact with each other…but Naomi isn’t going anywhere. She stays in the ring and just stares him down. Jon won’t leave, either. Finally, Naomi blinks and turns around to tag one of the guys…but then turns and rushes at Jon, hitting a Hurricarana. Jon sells it and asks her what she’s playing at. Naomi just walks off and goes to tag keeps asking what she did that for. Tons of Fun and the Funkadactyls win after Brodus hits a splash. However, Naomi’s not happy. This stressed her more and she decides they need to talk.
Backstage JoJo says they all looked like they were having the time of their lives in the ring so she’s decided to make a go of it in WWE. She’s going to choose this over him and we get clips of the official break-up. Natalya says it’s the right choice. Right now they need her there, which is probably the first, last and only time JoJo will ever hear that.
Cameron chases Naomi down. Naomi doesn’t want to rush in, Cameron doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to commit to Jon. She admits her last boyfriend, Mike, cheated on her the whole time. She wanted to marry Mike and this ruined her confidence. Talking with Cameron helped a lot. “I realize now that it’s me and things someone else did to me,” She says, “it hurts to realize that that’s what’s happening.”
Naomi finds Jon. She apologizes but he tells her they need a break. They talk more and she explains the story about Mike. Jon semi-quotes Paul Newman on the subject of infidelity when he’s asked why would he want cheeseburgers when he has steak every night. “And you’re steak, girl…you’re Filet Mignon!” Naomi says Jon is her chicken nugget and soon they’re hugging and the relationship lives to see another abusive day.
We get a preview of next week with:
Divas using breast implants.
Brie helping Nikki think she’s fat.
Natalya and TJ arguing over who he spends more attention on, her or the cats, because we haven’t seen every single Diva’s relationship implode yet.
That’s it.
Matt’s gonna do the punch/hug thing this week.
I can’t do that.
I can say:
DIVA I’D HUG: Nattie, for making this show bearable. Also, I’d hug Cena for actually sounding like a sane human being.
DIVA I DISLIKE: Nikki, JoJo, Eva – Nikki’s an ass, JoJo is an uninteresting teenage head case, and Eva is pointless.
With Elimination Chamber behind us and Money in the Bank on the horizon, Monday Night RAW sees Technically Champion Seth Rollins chasing after Pseudo Champion Dean Ambrose for a belt that will soon find its way to Kofi Kingston.
Just making sure you’re awake.
In other news, Kevin Owens has come into his own, beating John Cena — which, hopefully, still means something in two weeks when WWE puts that steak back on the grill at Money in the Bank.
In any case, things seem to be getting interesting heading into the summer…let’s see what goes down…
We start with a slow-motion montage of the Ambrose/Rollins Dusty Finish.
We are LIVE(!!!) from San Antonio, Texas for WWE Monday Night RAW!!!
JBL, Cole and Booker are the guys at the talking table.
The New Day starts us off! Just kidding. Triple H, Steph, Rollins, Kane and J&J all head to the ring with sour faces and no World Title. Steph introduces Rollins as champion but Rollins just folds his arms and pouts. Steph says that Ambrose has the belt and that doesn’t mean anything because all he can do is steal stuff and commit assault. Steph says maybe they should fine or fire Ambrose.
Triple H says they won’t have to do that. Ambrose is crazy but not stupid. He says that he gave Ambrose until tonight to bring back the belt. So, he calls out Ambrose. He says he would be willing to discuss things. Nothing happens. The crowd chants their “Justin Bieber” chant. Triple H tells the crowd to shut up and says he’s waiting — then, it’s angry Triple Hulk as he growls for Ambrose to get out to the ring.
Roman Reigns answers instead. He comes to ring with a smug smirk on his face. He says the Authority doesn’t seem happy to see him — but San Antonio is. He says that Ambrose isn’t here and won’t be back — unless he’s granted a rematch. Specifically, a ladder match. Steph says that they don’t negotiate as the mics go all funky and start feeding back. Reigns says that he saw Ambrose pin Rollins. Rollins loses his shit and says Ambrose didn’t beat him. Reigns says Ambrose beat him and so did Reigns. Reigns says that Rollins was cool when he was in The Shield but not now that he works for Mom and Dad and the world’s smallest security team.
Rollins has had it and says that Ambrose will get his rematch. Triple H gets in the way of things but Rollins isn’t having it. He says he doesn’t need anyone but himself. He trashes Kane and Security and the rest of The Authority. Rollins storms off by himself.
Steph turns to Reigns and tells him that he’s smug as hell. Triple H gets between Reigns and Steph the Insane Wife. He says that Reigns is the man going to Money in the Bank, something that he should be familiar with, since Rollins used it to smash his hopes at WrestleMania. He says that, after tonight, Reigns may not BE in Money in the Bank. If he loses, he’s out. Triple H says he will find Reigns an opponent and they will be here in a few.
With that, the segment concludes. Actually, very nicely done. Reigns was great on the mic tonight.
When we come back from break, Roman Reigns’ opponent is King Barrett. Oh, yeah. Triple H is soooo “mad”.
MATCH #1: Roman Reigns vs. King Barrett Some grappling to start, then a side headlock by Barrett that almost culminates in a Samoan Drop. Barrett escapes but Roman kicks Barrett in the jaw, then splashes him in the corner. Roman kicks at the chest of Barrett who ends up on the bottom rope. Roman goes for the Missile Dropkick outside but Barrett rolls out of the way. Roman presses his attack and rolls Barrett back in the ring — then clotheslines him back out again. Reigns goes after him and Barrett fights back. Barrett kicks the steel steps at Reigns which Reigns sells like he broke his knee. Barrett gets back into the ring and we’re going right back to break after just five minutes. During commercial break, Barrett did something awful to Reigns and has him in a headlock. Reigns comes back and tries a splash but misses. Barrett kicks him in the stomach and gets a two count. Another long headlock spot. Reigns breaks again and finally hits the Samoan Drop. Both men are down, but get to their feet. Boo/Yay punch exchange ends with Reigns hitting a Running Clothesline. Barrett takes two more of those and Reigns puts him in a corner and just wails away. Barrett fights back but Reigns just belts him in the mouth. Reigns gets a near fall after a cross body off an Irish Whip. Barrett tries for Wasteland. Reigns escapes and runs at Barrett who catches him for Winds of Change for two. Barrett sets up for the Bullhammer but Reigns moves and rolls Barrett up, then picks him up and Powerbombs him with one arm. Two count. Reigns sets up for the Spear but Barrett rolls out of the ring again. Reigns chases and Barrett rakes Reigns’ eyes, then goes for the Bullhammer. Another miss and it’s the Spear for the win at 14:07. WINNER: Roman Reigns via Spear
RATING: **3/4. Better than expected but not much velocity to it and needlessly long at near 15 minutes. Why is Reigns taking so long to beat a guy who jobs left and right? In any case, I don’t know what they’re gonna do with King Costume Shop next…but maybe it’s time to forget KOTR ever happened.
Cole puts us through a recap of Cena/Owens. Apparently, THE CHAMP IS HERE. Which one? STAY TUNED!!!
Roman Reigns wanders around, all triumphant, backstage. He bumps into Triple H and Steph — who tell him that was only his FIRST opponent. He’s gonna face Mark Henry next. They wish him luck.
Byron interviews Nikki who is like, just, like, sooooo proud of herself! Paige interrupts and says that there was a Divas Battle Royal awhile back but she never got to face Nikki because Naomi beat her up. Now she’s back and she wants her title shot. Nikki accepts all heel-like, I guess. I have no idea what the Bellas are besides models who wrestle. Anyhow, that match is tonight.
Ryback is out to the ring to talk to the fans. He says that he’s proud to be the Intercontinental Champion. And that’s pretty much it. The Miz is out to face him next.
When we come back, Miz and Ryback are ready to throw down…and here comes the Big Show to crash the show into the mountain. Show cocks his fist, ready to strike Ryback…but slugs Miz instead and I can’t believe I actually approve of that. Not so fast, though: Show grabs a mic and says that he wants to be the one to face Ryback for the title. Show says Ryback ain’t “The Big Guy”. He says Ryback has nothing on him. They go nose to nose. Instead of attacking, Show leaves after what I’m sure was both a face turn and a heel turn in the space of 48 seconds. Anyhow, nobody in the arena cares. And nothing happening with the title, I guess.
TONIGHT: Hey! We still have a Divas Title Match…so, y’know, there’s that…
NEXT: Kevin Owens is here.
When we get back, Owens is here. He says he does what he claims he is going to do. He beat Zayn, won the NXT Title and he also beat John Cena. He delivers on his promises. Owens says he spoke to his kid about Cena. His kid wanted to know how Cena was after Owens beat him. He says he doesn’t blame his son for liking Cena because WWE has been portrayed as a real-life superhero. All Cena’s done is talk and spew catchphrases while Owens traveled and fought. He says he beat Super Cena last night. He says that he’s gonna show that a real role model doesn’t rely on bright colors and catchphrases. Real role models deliver on promises like he does.
Cena’s music hits as Owens does that weird grimace thing. Crowd doesn’t sound as enthused as they have been. Cena calls him a jackass, then tells Owens to be humble. Careful, John! Owens’ son is watching! Cena says all he’s heard about in the past 24 hours is Elimination Chamber. Cena says he admits that he got beat. He says that Owens doesn’t deserve a shot at the United States Championship or the NXT Title. He says that Owens is concerned about being a real role model when he should be concerned about being a real MAN. Cena says Owens’ son likes him because he delivers and beats people. Otherwise, his son would be wearing “an Adam Rose t-shirt and be worshipping the Funkydactyls while wishing he could play in the XFL.” Sheesh, the XFL is long gone, Adam Rose is booked if he’s lucky and Naomi’s already been buried by Paige. Cena’s assholishness knows no bounds, it seems. He says that everyone likes him because he doesn’t give up — then points out a young fan with Cena gear waving a sign that reads “I AM BEATING CANCER”. Cena tells that kid not to give up. He challenges Owens to a fight but Owens won’t have it and leaves.
It’s irritating that Cena did his usual, “I’m still better than you” thing — and it got obnoxious with the “I’m still a real man”, “that kid has cancer and doesn’t give up” pandering…but I like that we’re showing Owens being a human being, albeit sooner than I would have liked, but ok. On the one hand, it’s brilliant that Owens is human and Cena picked him apart like a roasted chicken…but on the other, this is the guy that wasn’t afraid of Cena and manhandled him the last couple of weeks and seeing him chicken out, looking visibly afraid is really a step down for me. It’s a bit of a sharp left turn. Still, good promo.
STILL TO COME:
Roman Reigns vs. Mark Henry
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
The New Day is out here for more fucking talking.Look, I have a gripe. According to my DVR, we’re an hour and twenty minutes into this thing and we’ve had one match. Anyhow, Woods says San Antonio should be pleased to have champs in their presence. He gets cheap heat for calling Tim Duncan “old” and saying he should “retire”. He says that The New Day is hot and they’re on fire. New Day Rocks/Sucks. Out is Ziggler with Lana.
MATCH #2: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Lana) vs. Kofi Kingston (w/ Big E & Xavier Woods) Whoa, a match. We’re having these tonight? Ziggler and Kofi lock up as the crowd chants for Lana who stands on the entrance ramp because that’s suddenly what she does as a valet. Ziggler hits a dropkick after some running around and it’s a Ziggler Splash in the corner. Kofi misses one of his own. Ziggler tries another splash but Kofi boots him in the face. Kofi applies a headlock but Ziggler breaks and hits another Ziggler splash and elbow drop. Two count. (DANIELLE: Where’s Lana? ME: Top of the ramp. DANIELLE: What, are her heels so high, she can’t get to the ring?) Ziggler hits a nice DDT that should win the match but Kofi kicks out…only to have Ziggler win the match on a roll-up at 3:15. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler
RATING: 1/2 a *, if that.
Post-match, E and Woods run in for a mudhole stomp on Ziggler. Prime Time Players show up and save the day. We go to break.
When we come back, HOLD ON A MINUTE, PLAYA! It’s a six-man tag match…
MATCH #3: WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day (Xavier Woods, Big E & Kofi Kingston) vs. Dolph Ziggler & The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) (non-title) When we come back from break, Titus drops Darren Young on top of Woods, which gets a two count. Young stomps at Kofi and hits an armbar. Woods escapes and tags in E. E attacks and ends up with a Belly to Belly on a distraction by Woods, who tags in to stomp at Young. All three guys get the mudhole stomp spot but the ref doesn’t DQ anyone for Wrestling Too Hard, so this continues. E tosses Kofi at Young and Kofi hits a dropkcik on the way in. Kofi kicks Young and it’s a two count. Kofi hits a dropkick and it’s a tag to Woods who hits a flying fist drop. Woods puts Young in a Cobra Clutch of sorts but Young breaks because DiBiase did that better years ago. Tag to E who hits Snake Eyes with Young on the buckle. Near fall. E tags in, attacks Ziggler, knocking him off the mat, then misses a Warrior Splash on Young. Hot tag to Titus who is all over Xavier Woods. He turns and clotheslines E out of the ring, then hits a backbreaker and toss on Kofi. HUGE Powerslam to Woods nearly gets a fall but Kofi saves the pin. Young hits the neckbreaker on him and they leave the ring. Woods rolls up Titus for two. Titus gets up and Ziggler hits a Superkick on Woods before Titus finishes with the Pump-Handle Slam to finish it at 5:34. WINNERS: Ziggler and PTP
RATING: *1/2. Not wholly necessary abut not bad either. Better than the last match.
TONIGHT: The Divas Title match
NEXT: Roman Reigns vs. Mark Henry. Winner goes to MITB.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Roman Reigns confronted The Authority.
AT MITB: Dean Ambrose faces Seth Rollins.
MATCH #4: Roman Reigns vs. Mark Henry Lemme just axe a quesshun: why doesn’t Triple H just say, “Fuck you, Roman. You’re out of MITB for helping Ambrose”? I mean, that would make a shit-ton more sense to me than putting him through a bunch of mid-card crap. Henry just stomps at Reigns in the corner, then clutches at Reigns’ left eye, which seems to be hurt. He puts Reigns in the corner and just shoulder-rams him. Big clothesline and an Irish Whip into the corner. Henry misses a splash. Reigns hits a clothesline and lariats. Reigns knocks him down with a running clothesline and then tries the Samoan Drop, hitting it on the second try. Henry rolls out of the ring. Reigns chases but Henry rams him into the ringpost. Reigns comes back with a Superman Punch and Henry is down. Reigns crawls to the ring and wins via countout at 3:45. Yay? WINNER: Roman Reigns via countout
RATING: 1/2 a *. I almost wanna see Kane face Reigns instead of this. Almost.
Post-match, Henry is suddenly conscious and attacks Reigns, hitting the WSS before leaving the ring.
TONIGHT: Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
Roman Reigns wanders by Triple H and Steph in the hallway. They congratulate him again. Reigns asks them if he should keep his vest on to fight again. Triple H tells him yes…and to Follow the Buzzards. *SUDDEN ANGRY TRIPLE H CUT*
Then, it’s The New Mega-Powers, New Day and Big Show doing Sonic Shake ads…for three minutes. I mean, why not just hire one of these teams or guys to do the ads instead of putting us through Superstars acting like they’re fucking up?
MATCH #5: Paige (challenger) vs. Nikki Bella (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship Nikki and Paige exchange grapples and shoves. Nikki hits a Fireman’s Carry Takedown and armbar. Paige forearms out of the hold but Nikki immediately hits a belly to belly suplex, then acts like Dolph Ziggler, doing push-ups. Snap Suplex by Nikki. Two count. Chinlock spot by Nikki. Paige breaks but Nikki puts Paige into a leglock. Paige grabs the ropes, then hits Nikki in the boobs with a Superkick. Nikki rolls out of the ring, then starts doing crunches because that’s what Nikki always does during matches. Nikki gets back in the ring. Paige catches her with a knee and it’s a two count. Paige sets up for the PTO but Nikki kicks out and hits an ALBAMMA SLAMMA for two. Paige comes back with a Superkick and gets two. Paige screams in frustration and Nikki goes for the Rack Attack. Paige fights out, then hits a Ram-Paige off the second buckle. Nikki rolls out of the ring…and, fucking hell, Brie rolls out from under the ring to take Nikki’s place. It’s the Twin Magic spot for the win at 5:43 because the ref is too fucking stupid to realize that Nikki suddenly lacked giant plastic boobs or an ass? You’d think he’d notice that…welp…’least Parallax is happy. :-/ WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Nikki Bella
RATING: *1/4. Nikki’s…what? A face? Heel? Paige is…what? Face? Heel? Anyone know or care? Guess we’re waiting until Total Divas comes back in July for Nikki to drop the title since that’s the only time Creative seems to give a damn about the Divas Division. It’s beyond ridiculous that she’s still carrying it.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Roman Reigns beat Wade Barrett and Mark Henry.
STILL TO COME: Roman Reigns faces Bray Wyatt.
MATCH #6: Randy Orton vs. Sheamus Sheamus locks in an armbar but Orton counters with a Side Headlock. Sheamus forces the break at the ropes. Sheamus rolls him up quickly for a one-count. Orton returns the favor. Sheamus rolls out of the ring. Sheamus puts on another side headlock. Orton breaks with an Irish Whip. Shoulder tackle by Sheamus. Orton comes back with an elbow on the second whip. The two men exchange punches. Orton starts hitting uppercuts. Sheamus hits a kneelift and an Irish Whip. Orton kicks Sheamus in the jaw and clotheslines him from the ring. Orton chases and the fight continues. Orton tries a side suplex into the crowd but Sheamus blocks it. The fight goes to the announce table where Orton hits the Side Suplex there. Clothesline by Orton and he gets back in the ring to celebrate. When we come back from break, Sheamus slams Orton to the mat for a two count. Sheamus stomps Orton in the corner. Orton kicks at him but Sheamus clotheslines him. Sheamus hits a second buckle Kneedrop for two. Sheamus hits a side headlock but Orton counters with a Side Suplex. Sheamus rolls outside the ring ropes. Orton goes for the Vintage DDT but Sheamus counters and drops his neck on the ropes. Sheamus runs back inside but Orton clotheslines him and hits the Powerslam In Stride. Orton goes for the Rope DDT but Sheamus counters and gets back in the ring. Orton counters Sheamus’s grapple and hits a T-Bone Suplex, then the Rope DDT. He sets up for the RKO but Sheamus counters and hits a partial Brogue Kick, connecting with his knee. Orton rolls out of the ring. Sheamus follows and it’s a brawl. Orton tosses Sheamus into the timekeeper’s pit. Sheamus gets up and nails Orton with a chair for the DQ at 12:57. WINNER: Randy Orton via DQ
RATING: **1/4. Not terrible. I actually like these two together. They’re two of the toughest guys in WWE and that makes for some great matches. Unfortunately, this one falls short. It was made even more frustrating with a DQ spot after we’d invested over ten minutes in this.
Post-match, Sheamus nails Orton with a Brogue, then tosses Orton into the crowd barrier. Orton gets back up to collect himself and Sheamus hits another Brogue, then celebrates.
Byron Saxton has Rusev backstage. Rusev is wearing a medical boot and is on crutches. Rusev says he has nothing. He doesn’t have a Championship or career or Lana. He says he’s a broken man with a broken ankle and spirit. He is the one who is ca-dushed this time. He knows, however, what he wants and desires and he will get back everything he had.
TONIGHT: Roman Reigns takes on Bray Wyatt.
ON SMACKDOWN: Kevin Owens is issuing an NXT Championship Open Challenge.
Bo Dallas comes to the ring and says, “I wanted to help you, Neville…now I just wanna hurt you…”
MATCH #7: Bo Dallas vs. Neville This match again? For what it’s worth, I like Bo becoming something other than what he props himself up as. He just stomps and clubs Neville in two corners, then celebrates. He tosses Neville from the ring, then goes outside to follow up, hitting a running clothesline. Bo yells in his face, telling him how much he wants to “help” Neville. He rolls Neville back in the ring and gets a one-count. Euro Headlock by Dallas that goes on for about half the match, as he screams for Neville to quit. Neville finally breaks and tackles Dallas, hitting his set of quick kicks. After flippy-floppying all over the ring, he kicks Dallas to the mat and hits the Red Arrow for the win at 3:09. WINNER: Neville via Red Arrow.
RATING: *. Ok, fine. Great. This is pretty much a slightly more condensed version of what was seen last night. So what?
NEXT: Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt
Roman Reigns is in the ring, clutching his rib cage, waiting for Bray Wyatt.
MATCH #8: Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt It’s a brawl to start this off with both mean taking shots at one another. Wyatt knocks him down, then props him up and punches at his throat. Bray whips Reigns into a corner but Reigns comes back with an uppercut. Reigns punches him in the back of the neck and gets a one count. Suddenly, Seth Rollins, Kane and J&J appear at the entrance ramp…soooo, I guess Rollins really does need The Authority? Bray and Reigns go back and forth. Bray tackles Reigns for two. Bray knocks Reigns out of the ring and we go to break. When we come back, Wyatt tosses Reigns outside the ring ropes. Bray follows and kicks at Reigns. Bray trips Reigns and Reigns hits the mat. Bray rolls him in the ring and nearly gets a fall. Bray hits a Corner Clothesline, but misses the second one as Reigns comes roaring out of the corner with a clothesline. Reigns gets up and Bray misses another Corner Clothesline, careening into the ringpost. Reigns hits a DDT, then gets up and hits some huge clotheslines in the corner. He sends Bray out of the ring. Reigns goes outside and hits the Sitting Dropkick as Wyatt flies into the crowd barrier. Reigns rolls him back into the ring but Wyatt goes on the attack, stomping at him. Wyatt hits a running clothesline and a Reverse Senton for two. Bray looks up at the new MITB case and then slaps at Reigns who smiles. Reigns slaps him back. Wyatt charges and Reigns hits the Samoan Drop. Reigns calls for the Superman Punch but misses and hits the Standing Spinebuster, nearly getting a fall. Wyatt does the Spider Walk, then goes for Sister Abigail. Reigns ducks it and rolls Bray up for two. Reigns hits a Superman Punch…and, suddenly, The Authority comes running down to ruin things. Reigns gets up and attacks Joey Mercury, then turns and looks at Kane. Bray gets up and attacks but Reigns sends Bray into Kane, knocking him down, then hits a Spear on Bray to finish this at 12:13. WINNER: Roman Reigns via Spear
RATING: **3/4. Remember when Bray was over as fuck, battling John Cena for his soul at WrestleMania? Yeah, those were good times. How the mighty have fallen…and was there a reason why The Authority didn’t just rush down and beat on Bray Wyatt to cause a DQ? Sigh…
Post-match, The Authority surrounds the ring to pick at what’s left of Reigns…but Ambrose’s music hits. Rollins tells Security to get ready and waits for Ambrose to hit the ring…except he’s under the Announce Table as Cole pretends he had no fucking idea Ambrose was there the entire goddamn time. Him and Reigns clean house. Rollins attacks Ambrose but Ambrose tosses the belt at him. Rollins catches it and looks at it. Ambrose uses that distraction to hit Dirty Deeds, then grabs the title again. He and Reigns book it for the crowd again as Triple H and Steph come out to the ring to join Rollins who is livid.
OVERALL: Enjoyable end. Show was fair with a lot of filler and matches that I didn’t care about. I’ll go **. Better luck next week.
And, of course, the Best of the Internet Water Cooler:
It’s official folks, Oscar-winner Eddie Redmayne has been cast as Newt Scamander in the movie adaptation of J.K. Rowling’s Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
The film will mark Rowling’s screenwriting debut with David Yates directing and David Heyman producing.
The announcement was made late this afternoon by Greg Silverman, President of Creative Development and Worldwide Production, Warner Bros. Pictures. “Eddie Redmayne has emerged as one of today’s most extraordinarily talented and acclaimed actors. We are thrilled to welcome him into J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World, where we know he will deliver a remarkable performance as Newt Scamander, the central character in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” said Silverman.
Fantastic Beasts will further explore the world of Harry Potter and focuses on the adventures of magizoologist (a wizard who studies magical creatures) Newt Scamander. The film will be set in New York several years before the events in Harry Potter.
Redmayne won an Academy Award for Best Actor in his role as Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything and will be next seen The Danish Girl.
The film is slated to for worldwide release on November 18, 2016 in 3D and IMAX.
Former WWE star-turned-actor, Dwayne ‘The Artist Formerly Known As The Rock’ Johnson is to star in a remake of “Big Trouble in Little China”.
According to “The Wrap”, the remake, scripted by X-Men: First Class screenwriters Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz, will see Johnson playing the role of California’s ultimate badass (and big rig hauler who just wants his stolen truck back), Jack Burton.
The movie is based on director John Carpenter’s 1986 chop-socky cult classic which saw Kurt Russell as the aforementioned Burton, a cocky long-haul truck driver who unwittingly gets mixed up in a centuries-old battle for the fate of the galaxy, waged underneath the streets of San Francisco’s Chinatown.
While the original is considered a “classic” by select movie buffs (including Johnson, himself), it didn’t start that way.
Following his relative success with films like “The Thing” and “Starman”, director Carpenter continued his genre-bending ways and decided to give his critics and audiences an inspired, witty action piece that playfully combined elements of fantasy, horror, and science-fiction, made in the style of a late-night martial arts flick — but with tinges of the good ol’ American Western.
It was made on a $25 million dollar budget — but audiences and critics had no idea what they were watching. Sensing a dud, 20th Century Fox didn’t do much to push the film and it only ended up grossing less than half of what it took to make. Like most other eventual sleeper hits, the movie found its audience on cable TV and home video and accumulated a dedicated following. Years later, the movie has taken its rightful place as one of movie lore’s most underrated and classic films.
Dwayne Johnson poses for a portrait at the Four Seasons on Saturday, March 23, 2013 in Los Angeles. (Photo by Eric Charbonneau/Invision/AP)
The idea of a re-make might be controversial to the legions of fans who hold the movie in high regard, but it makes sense, considering the fandom and reputation of the original and the recent success and bankability of its star-to-be.
Johnson’s latest picture, San Andreas, opened up in the #1 spot in both the domestic and worldwide box office with a $54.6 million dollar gross. His prior film, Furious 7, has taken in $1.5 billion dollars worldwide and he is widely considered to be one of the highest-grossing actors of all-time.
Spoilers through Game of Thrones season five, episode eight.
Anything I’ve said in favor of Game of Thrones this season pales in comparison to events in “Hardhome.” Fans seem pretty unanimous in announcing this as the best episode of the season, and it’s true. After the scene between Dany and Tyrion and then the flight from Hardhome, it’s going to be a hard one to top.
King’s Landing
Things have taken a dark and filthy turn for the once mighty Cersei Lannister. Now a victim of the monster she created, Cersei isn’t exactly enjoying her Orange is the New Black situation. Probably because orange clashes with Lannister red and gold. The Sisters visit each day to try to make her confess, withholding food and water in an attempt to make her confess. Ever proud, Cersei proclaims her innocence, refusing their aid, and then drinks water off the floor when she thinks they aren’t watching. Qyburn tries to convince Cersei to confess, explaining her the seriousness of her situation but the Queen Regent will hear none of it. Qyburn may have been talking about the Faith Militant, but I have no doubt it was a subtle burn against Cersei when he said, “Belief is so often the death of reason.”
In protest of her situation, Cersei won’t even eat her cereal.
I’m struggling a bit with the King’s Landing, Faith Militant situation. While I enjoy watching Cersei’s self-made demise as much as anyone, I’m not a fan of the big, bad religion theme. With the way the Tyrells were treated, how quickly they were imprisoned, the destruction of many parts of King’s Landing, and the unjust attacks on people, it doesn’t give much credence to Cersei’s imprisonment. Of course, we all know Cersei is guilty, and she deserves punishment, but I don’t like the idea of trying so hard to make the faith come across as evil and Cersei the victim. Game of Thrones is known for its shades of grey and religion isn’t exactly recognized for its positive qualities in Westeros, but I had hoped with the High Sparrow’s humble beginnings, we might see more of the good they can do for King’s Landing. That being said, it’s far from the worst plot on the show. Dorne is the WORST.
Braavos
Sometimes I forget Arya has really been in this season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Maisie Williams and find the Faceless Men fascinating, but after her interactions with Tywin Lannister and The Hound, her story in Braavos doesn’t compare. It’s the eighth episode and she’s finally started her “training”, heading out to the canals as Lana, the Oyster merchant. I’m confused about why Arya is called Lana of the Canals and not Cat of the Canals like in the books. It seems an odd subtle change. I always enjoyed that connection to her mother and it seems the writers are more interested with keeping names separate than risk confusing fans. (Yara instead of Asha, Robin instead of Robert, etc.) Anyway, Arya/Lana begins to witness some of the corruption on the streets of Braavos, and with Jaqen’s permission, she gets to right some wrongs. Just not in this episode.
Winterfell
Sansa is still confined to her room in Winterfell and she’s rightfully furious at Theon. Of course I understand his fear of going against Ramsay. Theon had already begun his own descent when he took Winterfell, betrayed Robb, and killed Ser Rodrik. He knew then he couldn’t just go back to who he was, and now with Ramsay’s torture ever present in his mind, he’s lost most of his former self. But little by little, through the power of screaming, Sansa brings that Theon back into the world, even managing to learn the truth about her brothers, Bran and Rickon. More than any other thing that has happened to Sansa, I think this moment, learning that her brothers may yet still live, will be the one to spurn her into action. And maybe, just MAYBE, Brienne will have something to do before the season ends.
Meanwhile, Roose and Ramsay are discussing Stannis’ impending attack on Winterfell. Roose, being of sound military mind, plans to wait out the siege. There’s no reason for them not to, except for Ramsay’s misguided pride in the northern ways. He’s been playing a little too much Metal Gear Solid lately and thinks he can kill all 6,000 of Stannis’ men with twenty dudes and his dagger-like smile. Sure, kid. Give a go out in that winter. I BEG OF YOU.
Meereen
Last week we witnessed the start of a beautiful relationship. This week we watched that relationship flourish into something better than ever imagined. Dany and Tyrion were made to work together. Tyrion has never served someone so willing to heed his advice, someone he seems willing to believe deserves leadership. He doesn’t have to use his charm and wit to manipulate Dany, she simply listens, which has always been an admirable trait. She’s shrewd in her judgment but doesn’t write off Tyrion because he’s her enemy. (I suspect if Barristan were alive, he’d tell Dany to be hesitant of Tyrion’s council, and while I miss the old knight, I’m glad he isn’t around to dissuade their union.)
Of course, no matter how much she may enjoy it, Jorah’s gift to Dany doesn’t earn him a pardon as expected, so he’s forced to find another way back into her good graces and returns to the slave owner. Sure, Jorah. The fighting pits will win her over. If that doesn’t work, gift her some grey scale. Girls love the grey scale.
(Also, I know I’ve said this before but the Meereen theme music is fantastic.)
The Wall
Sam is still recovering from his injuries, but it’s Gilly he’s concerned about, asking about their awkward coupling. Olly shows up to ruin the mood between the two, so that he can continue his anti-wildling campaign. “Could you spare a moment of your time listen to the good word of vengeance? The wildlings killed my family. Mama says they’re the devil. Kill them all. Love, Olly.” Sam, being the remarkably naive man that he is, doesn’t see the hatred pouring from the kid’s words and is all, “Oh, you silly boy. Jon will take care of us. Even though all of you hate him.” He gives Olly an affable smile and a pat on the back, sending him off to bed like Cindy Lou Who.
Hardhome
FINALLY. THE PART WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Jon Snow has arrived at Hardhome to a warm greeting from the wildlings and everyone sits down for tea to calmly discuss the White Walker situation. Tormund reminds Rattleshirt that if you talk shit, you get hit, and then bludgeons him to death. With the help of a wise female wildling, Karsi, who doesn’t give a damn what her ancestors think, Jon and Tormund manage to convince most of the wildlings to get on the friggin’ boats, you morons. Things get all ominous once Tormund says the other wildlings will come around because they have no food and then Karsi makes a loving promise to return to her children. In the fifth season, people really should know better than to care for the people around them. (And I should know better than to get attached, but dammit, I did.)
The build up to the wight attack was nothing short of spectacular. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening; dogs were barking and in the distance it looked like an avalanche heading toward the village and still, with all of the wildlings running for safety, everything felt so quiet. In the chaos, the gates slammed shut with hundreds (thousands?) of people on the other side, left to the mercy of whatever god they pray to. Then the icy mist rolled over the wildlings and with it came an eerie calm. All was silent for so long I dared to hope they were simply dead. What a ridiculous thought. Then, with a furious rattle of the gate, we learned the true nature of the enemy on the other side–White Walkers and their zombie babies, the wights.
The action sequence at Hardhome definitely falls in the top five best Game of Thrones scenes of all time. From start to finish I was on the edge of my seat, unsure of the outcome because this was new material, enjoyable for book readers and show-only fans alike. Jon Snow (and Kit Harington) has really come into his own this season. Watching the Lord Commander take charge, fumble, get up again, and win a fight against a White Walker with his valyrian steel sword was an exciting journey that felt much longer than it’s actual ten minutes. We see horrific deaths, terrifying wight children, and ice zombies fearless in their pursuit of more death.
And then at the end of it all, Jon’s dejected; he and a few thousand others may have survived the night, slowly (very slowly) rowing to safety, but there’s no victory in their retreat. The Night’s King see to that Jon knows he is in control, reminding him of the unthinkable power in his hands as he raises his arms and with it, all of the humans who lost the battle. If the fights continue as they did in Hardhome, there may be no one left alive to warn the south about the incoming winter. All other problems in the world seem petty when compared to the Night’s King and his White Walkers.
Random thoughts
There’s no hope for anyone going against the likes of Daeneryrion (Dany + Tyrion), right? They’re pretty much OP at this point.
WUN-WUN THE GIANT.
Reek is starting to use “I” when referring to Theon Greyjoy. Signs of a character shift to come? Let’s hope.
Spoiler for book readers: I REALLY wanted Karsi, the wildling woman, to be Val. She had the perfect headstrong personality and then, WHAM. Zombie-ified by terrifying wight children.
Who was that hooded dude in the boat when Jon and Tormund fled Hardhome? I have a theory…
Well, here we are–the end of Outlander’s first season. It only took most of the year to get through sixteen episodes, what with the lengthy gap midway in the season, but ultimately, I think the show had a solid outing. As an added bonus, it’s already been renewed for a second season, so don’t get too sad about it ending. At least not yet. Wait until it’s midway through the fourth season and the story’s spiraling out of control because the source material went off the rails two seasons before and we’re all like, “Man, they really should have stopped at the end of season two.”
I digress.
Outlander’s season finale, “To Ransom A Man’s Soul” was a brutal way to end the season. Following on the heels of “Wentworth Prison”, Jamie is still imprisoned and being tortured by Black Jack Randall. Claire et al have their plan set in motion to free poor Jamie, but as we see early on in the episode, they may be too late. Over the course of two episodes Jamie faces the noose, has his hand pummeled with a mallet, and has that same hand run through with an iron nail. Chained and battered, Jamie is then raped, emotionally tormented, and then raped again. After finally being rescued, he is a broken man, a man who has given up on life and sees death as the only way out of his misery.
Two weeks ago, I wrote a lengthy article about the rape of Sansa Stark in Game of Thrones and why using such an act was a bad decision for the show. It wasn’t that HBO didn’t handle the rape scene well. All things considered, they filmed it in the best way possible. However, deeming the scene necessary in the first place is what I objected to. It wasn’t integral to the story, and as we have seen in the most recent episodes, hasn’t factored into the story. Without Sansa’s rape scene, the story continues without a hitch.
In Outlander’s finale, Jamie’s rape is significantly more brutal. Nothing is left to the imagination and the camera certainly doesn’t pull away from the scene for the sake of decency. Much of the final two episodes is difficult to watch, so much so that even though I knew what was coming, I had a hard time watching it play out on screen. Why then, am I not denouncing Starz in their decision-making, passing out pitchforks and screaming in rage? Because unfortunately, at the end of the day, these scenes of rape, torture, and depression are integral to the story. Jamie’s rape isn’t a trope used to hasten the severity of a certain plot, to easily show the desperation of a character’s situation. Jamie’s rape IS the plot.
Don’t get me wrong, Outlander isn’t perfect by any means. After the sixth episode, I lost count of how many times Claire was threatened with or nearly raped. I can understand that the writers stayed true to the source material (which is very rape-y) but watching I couldn’t help but think there were much better ways to convey the danger she was in, which is a similar complaint many (myself included) have with Game of Thrones.
Throughout Outlander, we learn very quickly that Black Jack Randall is a monster. He tortures Jamie, attempts to rape both Claire and Jenny, and he gets a sick sense of pleasure from breaking down his victims piece by piece. In the final episodes we learn that Randall is adept at not only physical abuse, but mental abuse as well. Randall knows full well how strong Jamie is–it’s a trait he admires–but he also knows that Claire is a way to bring him to his knees. In Jamie’s fading consciousness, Randall mixes pain and pleasure, using Jamie’s memories against him, tricking him into being complicit, so that after the rape, Jamie is left ashamed, certain that Claire would never want him after what he’s done.
Jamie’s rape is painful to watch because it should be. It isn’t meant to sensationalize or redeem his character; nor is it used as motivation to “make him stronger”, as is the case in many literary situations involving rape. Nothing about rape and abuse spurns a person into becoming a hero or “the person they knew they’d become.” Rape is a harrowing experience, one that can ruin a person in every way imaginable. We see it in Jamie’s depression after being rescued. He wants to die. He cannot look at Claire without seeing his attacker, without being reminded of all that he has endured.
“The…it’s all linked for me now. I canna think of you, Claire, even of kissing you or touching your hand, without feeling the fear and the pain and the sickness come back. I lie here feeling that I will die without your touch, but when you touch me, I feel as though I will vomit with shame and loathing of myself. I canna even see you now without…” — Jamie, Outlander by Diana Galbadon
Jamie is a broken man. He knows he could handle the physical abuse, but rape isn’t just a physical act. Unfortunately, rape has become so commonplace in media that it’s become almost accepted as an inevitability. There’s an entire Law & Order series dedicated to sexual offenses; we’ve become desensitized to the act. It’s used as a means of control, as a political platform, and as a trope to show the growth of a character. There is no 45-minute resolution for a rape survivor. It’s a long, tormented process, and in the case of Jamie, it takes the one he loves stepping into the darkness with him to begin the healing process. They are a pair that has suffered, fallen to darkness. They aren’t triumphant and it isn’t a beautiful ascent back to normalcy. It’s fraught with anger, shame, depression, and fear.
Outlander manages to subvert many rape tropes, especially by showing Jamie as the victim and not Claire. Rape is often thought to be a crime against women, but men can be and are raped. Jamie is not considered to be a slight man by any means; he has survived lashings, war, and near-starvation, and yet, he was still raped by Randall. In our culture, male on male rape is regularly treated as joke, used to warn a man not to misbehave because he might end up in prison and “heh heh butt sex.” Jamie’s experience is anything but a joke.
I’ll be honest, I found the ending of the episode to be a bit too sugar sweet, considering the subject matter of the previous two hours. However, with it being the final episode of the season, I can appreciate that they needed a higher note to end on, should it have been the end of the series. It’s made clear, however, that even though Jamie and Claire have reunited, Jamie is still recovering from his rape and torture.
I don’t enjoy watching rape and torture on television. Personally, I prefer avoiding such sensitive subjects altogether. However, should I watch such a thing, I’d rather it were shown for what it is, a demoralizing act that isn’t sexually provocative, or part of becoming a superhero. It’s an act that can and does break down a person so much they cannot bear to live with the memory of it all.
If a show, movie, or book is going to depict such a heinous act, it damn well better have a purpose.
Quite frankly, I’m always excited to see a WWE PPV. I’m stoked that Elimination Chamber is back — albeit, last second. But, let’s see what this show has to offer…
We start with a montage of the EC cage and how punishing it is along with small bits of each of the main feuds.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Corpus Christi, Texas for WWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER!!!
Cole, JBL and King are the guys at the main table while Carlos Cabrera and Marcelo Rodriguez man the Spanish Table.
MATCH #1: The Primetime Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) (challengers) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (challengers) (w/ El Torito) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (challengers) (w/ Natalya) vs. The New Day (Xavier Woods, Kofi Kingston, & Big E) (champions) vs. The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor) (challengers) vs. Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) (challengers) in an Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship Got all that? The Ascension and Dragons start the thing. The Dragons take out The Ascension to start until Kalisto gets on top of the New Day pod. The New Day pulls at Kalisto’s foot and beats on him. Sin Cara is put on the grating outside the ring but gets up and starts to scale the chamber. Kalisto manages to kick The Ascension off him and Sin Cara hits a nice splash. Kalisto tries to leap off the New Day pod but they continue to pull at his legs. The first pod opens and it’s…
Cesaro/Kidd. They double team Sin Cara, then go after The Ascension with dual splashes and an uppercut. Kidd climbs up to grab Kalisto but gets knocked away, so Cesaro runs up the buckle and hits a huge uppercut — then hits a Superplex. Kidd goes for the pin but Sin Cara saves it. Cesaro dumps him, then presses Kalisto out of the ring. Viktor and Kidd get into it. Viktor hits a suplex and gets two. Cesaro saves the pin and Kidd puts Viktor in the Sharpshooter. Konnor breaks it. Cesaro dumps Konnor but Sin Cara hits a Hurricarana to send Cesaro out of the ring. Chaos ensues with bodies all over the place as we get our next team and it’s…
Los Matadores. They’re all over The Ascension. Kalisto, meanwhile, has climbed to the very top/center of the Chamber and then falls on top of the mass of bodies who just stare up at him like morons for about a minute. The Ascension gets up to take out one of the Matadores as Torito tries a similar spot as Kalisto. It’s terrible. They dump Torito after catching and hit the Fall of Man to eliminate the Matadores at 10:27. Fall of Man takes out the Dragons about a minute later at 11:24. Cesaro and Kidd take on The Ascension as our next team is released…and it’s…
The Prime Time Players. They go after The Ascension. Titus just whips Viktor against the cage and they eliminate The Ascension at 13:33. The Players go after Cesaro and Kidd. Titus drops Young on top of Cesaro but Kidd gets up and hits a suplex, then goes after Titus who boots him across the ring. Cesaro goes after Titus, then Young, hitting a drop kick to Young who was sitting on the top buckle. Cesaro hits a Super Gut Wrench Suplex off the top rope as the crowd starts a “THIS IS AWESOME” chant. Kidd gets up and goes after Titus who catches him and hits a Spinebuster. All four guys are down. Finally, it’s…
The New Day who ascends upon three of the four guys like locusts. It’s a rugby scrum with all seven guys huddling. It’s a huge suplex by the Cesaro, Kidd and the PTP. Cesaro and Kidd have had it and toss Woods in a pod, locking it. Cesaro and Kidd hit the Spin Dropkick — but Young rolls Cesaro up out of nowhere to eliminate him and Kidd at 18:13. The New Day gangs up on Titus O’Neil and uses the cage chains to choke Titus. Young is in the middle of the ring. Woods and Kofi climb the buckles for The 11th Hour but Young escapes and dives at Woods and Kofi, knocking them into a pod. Titus gets up and just takes out Woods with a boot. Young drops Kofi’s neck on the top rope. Titus rams E into the cage and tosses him into the ring. Everyone gets back into the ring. Titus hits a huge clothesline. Young grabs Kofi and hits a NICE gutbuster, nearly getting the fall. Young clotheslines E out of the ring but also falls out. E hits a Belly to Belly on Young. Titus hits a Powerslam on E. Woods flies at Titus but Titus catches him. E clips Titus’s knee and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise to retain the titles at 23:42. WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: **3/4. Kinda clunky, disjointed and a bit messy, but it was nice to see Kalisto have a nice spot off the ceiling and The Ascension looking semi-strong for a change. The Prime Time Players also looked great. The problem was that The New Day didn’t seem to be given much to do and, once Kidd and Cesaro were eliminated, there wasn’t much tension left in the last quarter of this match. All in all, not a bad start to the show.
ON SMACKDOWN: Rusev hurt his foot, so he’s out of the IC Title match.
Dolph Ziggler is backstage. Lana approaches him and wishes him good luck. He says that he’s sorry for Rusev not being in the match. Lana says it isn’t about him. Ziggler says that it doesn’t matter. He hopes it will be about him and Lana when the match is over. Lana says she’d like that.
MATCH #2: Nikki Bella (championship) vs. Naomi (challenger) vs. Paige (challenger) in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE Divas Championship Nikki gets dumped into the Triple Threat Match Black Hole, so it’s Paige and vs. Naomi and her magical glow shoes. Paige clotheslines the hell out of her and hits a dropkick. She hits a Superkick but misses the second one. Naomi tries a cross body but Paige catches her for a Fallaway Slam. Two count. Nikki gets back in the ring and drops Paige’s face across her knee. She tosses Paige into Naomi in the corner and clotheslines Paige. Alabama Slam by Nikki and Naomi tries a roll-up pin, getting two. Nikki misses an Enzuguri. Paige covers for two. Naomi sends Nikki back outside and hits a suplex on Paige. Legdrop by Naomi. Naomi props Paige on the buckle and tries a Super Side Suplex but Paige elbows out. Nikki gets in the ring and hits a nice powerbomb, covering both Naomi and Paige for two. Nikki tries the Rack Attack, so Naomi hits the stupid Rear View. Paige saves it and grabs Nikki for the PTO. Naomi saves it and hits an awful looking Hurricarana off the the top buckle on a counter, getting two. Seriously, I’m surprised she didn’t break Paige’s neck. Nikki grabs Naomi and hits the Rack Attack and #NIKKIWINSLOL to retain at 6:05. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Nikki Bella via Rack Attack
RATING: *3/4. Is there a reason why Nikki still has this title? Where are we going with any of these three women?
Post-match, Brie makes an appearance to celebrate with Nikki.
We get the build-up for Cena/Owens.
MATCH #3: NXT Champion Kevin Owens vs. WWE United States Champion John Cena (non-title) Huge fight feel for this one. Owens tries a side headlock but gets shoulder tackled by Cena. Owens kicks at Cena and then hammers on him in the corner. Cena comes back with a Bulldog. Owens counters by kicking Cena to the head when Cena tries a back body drop. He hits a chinlock on Cena but the ref tells him to break as it’s done outside the ropes. Owens tosses Cena into the corner and celebrates. He stomps Cena some more, then taunts and punches him for two. Headlock by Owens but SUPERCENA breaks it. He goes for an AA but Owens counters into a DDT for two. Owens continues to work Cena over and continues to celebrate. Cena rolls him up for two. Owens hits a clothesline and Reverse Senton. Two count. Owens tells Cena to punch at him. They exchange shots. Cena hits the first two Moves of Doom and then hits a version of Sheamus’s cross for two. Owens hits a flipping splash on Cena in the corner and it’s another two count. Owens tells Cena to “give up”. Cena comes back with punches but Owens grabs him for the Pop-Up Powerbomb. Cena escapes and it’s Moves 1 through 3. He hits the 5KS and goes for the AA but Owens breaks it and hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb for two. Owens is shocked and climbs the corner buckle. Cena gets up and stops the ascent and the two punch one another. Owens headbutts him off and misses a Moonsault.
Cena grabs him for the AA! Owens kicks out! The two men trade shots until Owens hits a nice Superkick to knock Cena down and out. Owens gets to his feet and then goes for the 5KS — but Cena grabs him on the run back and hits the STF. Owens nearly gets to the ropes. Cena breaks his own move and tries to lock it in again but Owens kicks out and hits an AA! CLOSE FALL. Owens runs at Cena who kicks Owens and hits a Tornado DDT for another close fall. Cena climbs the buckle and hits the Flying Legdrop for ANOTHER close fall. Cena tries the AA but can’t get Owens up. Owens picks Cena up and hits a Sitting Powerbomb of sorts. Two count. Owens grabs Cena again and belts him in the face, telling him to stay down. Cena fights back and hits the Springboard Stunner, nearly getting the fall. Cena gets to his feet first and then props Owens on the top turnbuckle. Cena goes for the Superplex but OWENS COUNTERS WITH A SUPER FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! Two count! Reverse Senton by Owens! TWO COUNT. Owens runs at Cena who hits a clothesline. Cena gets to his feet and runs at Owens who hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb for the WIN!!! Clock it at 20:02. WINNER: Kevin Owens via Pop-Up Powerbomb
RATING: *****. This was outstanding on every single level. What a match.
Post-match, Owens has the mic. He says that everyone now knows who he is. He’s the man who started a fight with John Cena and he’s also the man who finished it. He says that Cena’s time is up and his time is now. It’s time for Cena to go.
The CNN WWE News Desk of Doom discusses what just happened. Booker doesn’t say anything stupid this time, so there’s that.
Bo’s out for his match. He says he’s gonna force Neville to believe tonight.
MATCH #4: Bo Dallas vs. Neville Dallas and Nevill exchange holds to begin. Neville flips across the ring and kicks Bo as he comes running at Neville. Neville goes for the Moonsault. Dallas moves outside. Neville hits the Moonsault to the outside anyhow. They get back in the ring. Neville continues to attack. Dallas gets to the ropes and tells Neville to back off, then screams at him, saying that he was only trying to help Neville. Neville kicks him, then tries to kick him again. Dallas grabs his leg and tosses him outside. Dallas puts him back up on the mat and clubs away at him. Back in the ring, he drops some knees and it’s a two count. Front facelock by Dallas. Neville fights back but Dallas just knees him in the face repeatedly. Dallas elbows Neville in the face twice. He misses a third, Neville breaks free. Dallas rushes him but Neville throws him into the ringpost and outside the ring. Dallas gets in to beat the ref’s count. Nevill hits his quick kicks and the Standing Shooting Star Press for two. Neville goes to follow up but Dallas dives at Neville, hitting him in the gut, then hits a quick DDT for two. Dallas tries the Bo-Dog but Neville breaks it and hits an Enzuguri. Neville hits The Red Arrow for the win at 8:51. WINNER: Neville via Red Arrow
RATING: **1/4. Not a bad match. Both men are pretty over with the crowd.
Triple H bumps into Ambrose and Reigns backstage. He says that he can’t allow Reigns to be at ringside. He explains that Kane is only out there because he’s “an official”. He wishes Ambrose luck anyway.
The Elimination Chamber lowers and Daniel Bryan is at ringside as he’s going to present the title to who ever wins it tonight.
With that, we get the clip of Bryan giving up the IC Title 3 weeks ago on RAW.
MATCH #5: Mark Henry (challenger) vs. Sheamus (challenger) vs. R-Truth (challenger) vs. Ryback (challenger) vs. King Barrett (challenger) vs. Dolph Ziggler (challenger) in an Elimination Chamber Match for the vacant WWE Intercontinental Championship Ziggler and Barrett start us off. The two men try for quick pins on one another. Barrett gets an advantage and hits a snap suplex. He belts Ziggler in the corner and taunts Mark Henry, asking if he likes what he’s seeing. Barrett kicks Ziggler in the ribs and it’s a two count. Headlock by Barrett. Ziggler breaks an hits a dropkick, Stinger Splash and neckbreaker. Elbow drop. Two count. Barrett botches a chest kick and sends Ziggler outside to the METAL GRATING THAT HURTS PEOPLE LIKE JBL TOLD US. He tosses Ziggler into Ryback’s pod, then taunts Ryback. Barrett throws Ziggler into the chains and punches at him. He screams at Sheamus as our four minutes are up…the next person is…
R-Truth. Barrett won’t let Truth out of his pod and kicks him. Barrett just clubs away and kicks at him, then throws him into the chains over and over. Ziggler gets to his feet but Barrett hits a Big Boot, knocking him down. He tosses Ziggler into the ringpost and celebrates. Truth finally gets into it and knocks Barrett down. Truth hits a Missile Dropkick off the buckles for two. Truth hits a Sitting Reverse Suplex and then a Scissors Kick. Barrett rolls to the corner. Truth splashes him, then runs at him again. Barrett grabs him for Winds of Change for two, which honestly surprises me. Ziggler rolls Barrett up for two. Superkick to Ziggler. Two count. Barrett tosses Ziggler at Mark Henry’s pod, breaking it. The ref tells Henry to get back in the pod — but it’s no-DQ. He’s in. He kicks the crap out of Barrett and splashes him for two as the next contestant is…
Ryback. And Henry is officially in this thing because why not? Ryback’s all over him, then slams Barrett against the turnbuckle. He hits a Spinebuster for two. He goes for a Powerbomb but Barrett counters and sends him outside. Ziggler ambushes Barrett and hits a nice pin for two. Barrett grabs him for Wasteland but Henry saves the pin and puts Barrett in the corner, beating him up and telling Barrett that he shouldn’t have taunted him. Barrett breaks out of the corner and tries the Bullhammer on Ziggler. Everyone gets a spot — and Truth hits the Lie Detector AND ELIMINATES BARRETT?! Am I living in an alternate universe?! Clock it at 11:04. It’s Pier 6 with Henry beating on Truth and Ryback and Ziggler in the other corner. Final contestant is, of course…
Sheamus…but his pod won’t open. Ruh-roh. All hell breaks loose and it’s a series of distraction roll-ups. Refs try their hardest to let Sheamus out but nothing is working. Ziggler, Ryback and Truth, meanwhile, work together to beat on Henry until Ryback takes out Ziggler and hits Shell Shock on Truth to eliminate him at 13:59. Sheamus is still stuck in the pod. Meanwhile, Ryback hits a Delayed Vertical Suplex on Ziggler, keeping him in the air for about half a minute before falling. He goes for the Meat Hook but Ziggler hits the Superkick. And…ok, Sheamus now gets out because he rigged the pod with his cross and waited for everyone to be unconscious. He clotheslines Ryback out, sends Ziggler into the pod and then beats on Henry before goes for a WSS which Sheamus somehow breaks because, suddenly, the WSS requires tossing your opponent on your shoulders. Sheamus hits a Brogue to eliminate Henry at 17:18.
Sheamus goes after Ziggler and tosses him into the ring. Sheamus hits short-arm clotheslines and then taunts Ziggler with kicks. Ziggler gets up and knocks Sheamus down, punching at him. Sheamus comes back with a quick shoulderblock and Suplex Throw for two. Sheamus tries another suplex but Ziggler counters into a small package for two. Ziggler hits a DDT and gets two. Ryback gets back up and tries a Powerbomb. Ziggler escapes and hits a Superkick, then a Fame-Asser on Sheamus. Sheamus gets up, counters a move and hits the Brogue to take out Ziggler at 20:25. It’s Ryback vs. Sheamus with Sheamus hitting a powerslam. Two count. Sheamus slaps at Ryback, taunting him, then points at Daniel Bryan at ringside. Ryback gets up and hits lariats and a powerslam. He clubs at Sheamus in the corner and then hits a Powerslam in Stride. He sets up for the Meat Hook but Sheamus rolls out of the ring. Sheamus starts fucking around with his pod and Ryback interrupts. Sheamus grabs him and hits White Noise. Close fall. Sheamus starts trying Ten Beats but Ryback pulls Sheamus out of the ring. Sheamus counters and tosses Ryback into a pod, then hits a Rolling Senton. Sheamus runs at Ryback who grabs him and powerbombs him back into the ring. Ryback hits Shell Shock to finally end this crap and win the IC Title at 25:12. WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: 1/2 a *. This was a whole pile of nope. No memorable spots, a new low reached with Truth eliminating Barrett, destroying whatever credibility Barrett had left, and some sort of botched “angle” with Sheamus and his pod. Incredibly disjointed as well.
Post-match, Daniel Bryan presents the Intercontinental Championship to Ryback, asking the crowd if he deserves it. The crowd, audibly, answers half and half.
We get highlights from Cena vs. Owens — and there’s a rematch between the two slated for Money in the Bank because WWE can’t leave well enough alone.
Also, the MITB match will feature Kofi Kingston because reasons.
We get the build-up for tonight’s main event.
MATCH #6: Seth Rollins (champion) (w/ J&J Security – Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury – and Kane) vs. Dean Ambrose (challenger) for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship The two exchange armbars and wristlocks. Rollins elbows out and snap mares Ambrose to the mat. Ambrose breaks. Rollins hits a shoulderblock but Ambrose hits nice Steamboat-esque armdrags and puts Rollins in a wristlock, then an armbar. Dean breaks it and Rollins rolls out of the ring. Rollins huddles with “Security”, then gets back into the ring. Rollins belts Ambrose in the face and stomps at him in the corner. Ambrose comes back with a cross body and hits a forearm in the corner. Ambrose hits two huge chops, then ties Rollins up with the top rope and dropkicks him. He hits a flying legdrop and gets two. They fight into the corner. Ambrose sends Rollins to the mat and goes for a high risk move. Security gets involved. Ref chases them off. Rollins gets on the top buckle while Ambrose hangs upside down on the top buckle and hits a Falling Stomp. Rollins kicks Ambrose in the head and hits a forearm once back in the ring. Two count.
Headlock by by Rollins but Ambrose breaks and sends Rollins to the mat. Ambrose runs at him but Rollins trips him and Ambrose heads into the ringpost. Ambrose gets back up and Rollins bounces around and punches him like Muhammad Ali. Ambrose comes back with a flurry of punches but Rollins flies at Ambrose and yanks him to the mat for two. J&J mock the ref for being blind as Rollins bleeds from the mouth. Rollins hits a Short-Arm Clothesline back in the ring. He tries another one but Ambrose escapes. The two men run at one another and collide in mid-air. Rollins gets to his feet, as does Ambrose. Ambrose hits some quick punches and chops and some shoulder tacklers. The two men roll each other up several times before Ambrose drops Rollins on his face, getting a near fall. Ambrose gets up and splashes Rollins in the corner. Security pulls Rollins out of the ring, so Ambrose dives at him and knocks him over the announce table.
Ambrose and Rollins get up. Ambrose tosses him back in the ring. Rollins tries a backslide putting his feet on the ropes. Mercury gets on the mat and yells at the ref for catching it. Ambrose rolls Rollins up. Rollins kicks out and quickly hits a Superkick. Rollins goes top rope but Ambrose gets up and punches at him. He tries for a Superplex but Rollins grabs him for a Buckle Bomb. Ambrose fights out and both men spill outside. Security tries to get involved and Rollins takes over again, hitting the Buckle Bomb against the crowd barrier. He rolls Ambrose back in the ring for a two count. Rollins hits a Flying Kneedrop for another close fall. Ambrose gets up as does Rollins. He puts Ambrose in the corner and taunts him. He runs at Ambrose, hitting a forearm. Ambrose hangs on the second rope. Rollins picks him up and hits a clotheline in the corner. Ambrose follows with his own. Rollins misses a splash. Ambrose hits a DDT.
Ambrose gets to his feet, ties Rollins up on the top rope again — but misses the Flying Legdrop. Rollins sends Ambrose into the ropes for the Rebound Clothesline. Two count. Ambrose goes top rope and hits a Flying Elbow for a close fall. Ambrose gets up and picks up Rollins. Security gets involved for the 47th time and Rollins takes over, sending Ambrose out of the ring. He dives at Ambrose, then sends him back in. He tries the Buckle Bomb but Ambrose hits a clothesline. Security and Kane get involved. Ambrose beats them all back, then dives at all three of them. Back in the ring, Ambrose gets to the top buckle but Rollins grabs the official and it’s a ref bump. Several counters later, Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds with no ref — but, WHOA! Here comes one — and Ambrose gets the pin to win the title! Mark it around 21:25. Why do I suddenly get the sneaking suspicion that this isn’t gonna stand…please don’t tell me they’re going where I think they’re going… WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: ***1/4. Severely overbooked. Please let this stand. Please don’t fuck this up. Please…
Post-match, it’s a fucking Dusty Finish. The ref who wakes up says that Rollins held on to him and Ambrose clocked him, so it’s a DQ with Ambrose the winner. Still champion, however, is Rollins. Crowd is FURIOUS, chanting “BULLSHIT” at the top of their lungs and I don’t blame them.
What’s more fun than a Dusty Finish? Ambrose not giving up the title. So Rollins, J&J and Kane do the mudhole stomp until Reigns finally shows up to take the title away from Rollins, give it to Ambrose and fight off Security, Rollins and Kane. Ambrose grabs a mic and says that, as far as he’s concerned, he won the Championship — and he’s leaving with it. Ambrose and Reigns escape into the crowd as Rollins screams at Ambrose from inside the ring, so that makes up for things…but not by much.
Here’s the amended results, if you care:
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via DQ
STILL CHAMPION: Seth Rollins
RATING: **1/4. Andy PG pinged me on Facebook and weighed in, saying that the Ambrose/Rollins “rematch would be nuclear”. I totally agree — but this finish was ridiculous. It doesn’t ruin the show by any stretch — and I love the angle with Ambrose basically saying “fuck you” and taking off with the title which — but, overbooking aside, the Dusty Finish was played out in the 80’s and it often pissed off a lot of people. This is no different. It’s bad enough that this is WWE fucking around with the booking for the second time with these two. You’ll recall last year when Ambrose and Rollins were scheduled to fight — but WWE dumped their match at the last second, pissing off fans who had paid to see them jump in the ring together.
We finally go off the air.
OVERALL: Cena and Owens owned this show. It was the only thing on it that is worthy of repeat viewings. The Tag Title match was decent but the Diva’s match and IC Title match were cringe-worthy affairs. The big title match wasn’t bad until the Dusty Finish which, while it makes Ambrose or Rollins not look weak, it’s just another example of why fans have issues with the current product. I will go **3/4 for the show as a whole. One great match doesn’t correct everything else.
And, before we go…The Best of the Internet Water Cooler:
LOST GIRL -- "Here Comes the Night" Episode 507 -- Pictured: (l-r) Rachel Skarsten as Tamsin, Kris Holden-Ried as Dyson, Anna Silk as Bo -- (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Prodigy Pictures)
Lost Girl Season 5, Episode 7: “Here Comes The Night″ Air date: May 28, 2015 Grade: B+
You’ve got to love a show that turns the table on gender stereotypes because this week’s Lost Girl totally flipped the tables on whom I thought the Fae gods were. We also find out that Evony has some unexpected ties to the ancient ones and I’ve been given some hope on the Bo/Dyson front.
The episode opens with the aftermath of an apocalyptic tornado. Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin are on the street aiding people and even here Tamsin is unable to contain her obvious attachment to the succubus, calling Bo her girl. This is not going to end well.
Meanwhile, blonde ancient Fae lady is at the balcony of her evil headquarters/condo and is super excited about the tornado while somehow the three oracles are all passed out on her couch (didn’t they just get rescued?). They all seem out of it but then the sky goes completely dark and the three women stand up and begin chanting, “Only in the darkness can we see the light.” From last week’s lightning shenanigans, we can assume that blondie is in fact a HE (in spirit) and is Zeus, god of the sky. So my Apollo/Artemis theory is null and void.
Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin head to Lauren’s lab update her on the craziness outside but things get even worse when the power shuts down. Bo volunteers to stay behind to help guard the area in case anyone comes to try to steal the serum. Lauren interjects that they’ve got bigger issues as there no longer is any power that will keep Evony’s super dangerous Fae in its prison. When the backup generator fails, the duo put the small case/prison box into one of the rooms and are surprised to see that it’s empty inside. Had Evony just tricked them? Sadly no. But more on that later.
Lauren and Bo, who obviously still have feelings for each other decide to seize the moment and sleep together, only to be seen by Tamsin. Ouch. Dyson had warned her that it’s in Bo’s nature as a succubus to always have other partners. It really goes to show in my opinion how much Dyson really loves Bo because he’s let her go, understanding that he can’t force her to be with him and accepting her for what she is.
After their love session, the two ladies discover the dead body of yet another one of Lauren’s assistants. They really need to start writing high risk of a painful death in the job description. So Evony’s super powerful Fae was real after all and it’s invisible! We actually find out who it is because Evony herself enlists the help of Vex because apparently he had helped her trap it back in the day. The former Morrigan along with the Mesmer head to the lab in search of Lauren’s serum and to kill the unleashed Fae. Instead Evony ends up as bait and calls for Eros to come get her. In a moment of vulnerability, we find out that this ancient Fae had broken her heart by choosing Psyche instead, so she trapped him of course. Lauren throws an axe and it hits Eros’s back. Evony kisses him but a few seconds later a bolt of lightning disintegrates his form. For those not up to date on their Greek mythology, Eros is the son of Aphrodite and the god of love.
Let’s take a moment however to check in on Vex. Earlier in the episode, something really strange happens to him at The Dal. What might that be? Oh you know, Mark suddenly appeared in the wine cellar, came on really strong which resulted in lots of kissing and a very relaxed, albeit confused Vex in the aftermath. This was a little disturbing but funny as hell.
Dyson in the meantime has gone to check in on Heratio’s human wife at her house and finds the ancient fae there. The shifter plays along with Heratio, who eventually drops the act after Dyson calls him Zeus. He gets super pissed and says his name is Hera while releasing a swarm of flies from his mouth as he attempted to choke the human woman to death. She actually manages to stab Hera in the guts and the ancient Fae is forced to retreat since his/her vessel had been damaged. Yep did not see that coming.
Dyson takes poor Mrs. Heratio to his place since she feels unsafe given the circumstances. Bo then makes a sudden appearance and confesses to Dyson that she’s been thinking about him but that they just can’t be together right now. He says he understands and that they’re playing the same old game. She then says that maybe they should change the rules and the two kiss. Aww shucks you guys.
Trick then encounters his own weird moment when Isabeau appears and tells him that they are going to be together. The Blood King realizes that it isn’t actually real and the illusion vanishes, revealing the three oracles at The Dal with him instead. As he tells them to go away (they have amazing senses of direction for now being blind fyi), Vex, Dyson, and Mark all arrive. He asks them if anyone else has had any weird sexual encounters and the shifter and Mesmer both raise their hands. Trick then explains that the oracles are using them to extract a truth by giving them their heart’s desire. This news of course totally blindsides Vex because since when did he have a thing for Mark? They figure out that the thing they all had Bo’s blood in them and that she must be the light they are seeking, but what does that mean?
We shift to Bo whom the oracles have gotten into their clutches. They transform to Dyson and he tells her that she chose him first for a reason and that with everything they’ve gone through, their kind of love doesn’t go away. She agrees with him but asks him why now? Dyson then morphs to Lauren and responds that now is all they have. Just as they are about to kiss, Lauren vanishes and Hades’ voice is heard instead, imploring his daughter not to be afraid. Trick comes in and dispels the oracles and Bo finally tells him who her father is.
Back at the condo de Olympus, the oracles arrive and an impatient Zeus kisses Cassie to extract Bo’s truth from her. He/she gasps and says that the succubus has it and doesn’t even know it. Enigmatic much? Cassie then begs Zeus to let her go because she’s done everything asked of her. The ancient one says sure and then throws her off the balcony. Yikes, that is not a good way to go. Poor Cassie, not only did she have a crappy family and love life but she lost her eyes and was used as a pawn. She really got screwed over.
The episode ends with Tamsin getting her heart-broken as she confesses her love to Bo but gets friendzoned. She tells Bo that she accepts the fact that as a succubus there will be other partners but that she needs to hear that Bo’s heart belongs to her. Bo says that she loves her, just not in the same way. Tamsin doesn’t understand why Dyson, Lauren, and even Rainier are good enough but not her? Awww I just want to give Tam Tam a hug. She storms off to tend to her wounds leaving a sad Bo behind.
But at least we saw what Bo’s heart truly wanted, Dyson and Lauren. Both of these relationships are complicated and yet the doctor and the werewolf shifter had the time to accept the love triangle as it is since Bo loves them both. Still she saw Dyson FIRST. Just saying. Thank goodness that stint with Mark didn’t completely destroy everything.
So while we don’t know what exactly the ancient Faes are after, it seems that Bo has become their new target, which is hardly a surprise. Bo’s been the chosen one this whole time and though we know how powerful she is, what more does having Hades’s blood give her (aside from becoming Dark Bo)? Could Zeus and Hera need something within Bo to destroy Hades?
Hopefully we’ll find out more in next week’s episode!
Lost Girl airs Thursdays 10/9 central on Syfy.
Images courtesy of Syfy.
Well the hotness that is ABC Family’s Shadowhunters cast continues with the additions of Harry Shum Jr. as Magnus Bane, Maxim Roy as Jocelyn Fray, and Jon Cor as Hodge Starkweather.
What’s been particularly funny though is the fans reactions on twitter to “Hot Hodge” as his character was aged in the film version of City of Bones (played by the talented Jared Harris). According to author Cassandra Clare, Hodge is actually 36 years old (Jon Cor incidentally is 31).
Take a look at Hot Hodge yourself and judge:
Jon Cor as Hodge Starkweather
Filming is already underway in Toronto with set pics being posted on social media by various cast members.
Are you guys as super excited as me?? If I wish hard enough maybe they will do a flashback reference to The Infernal Devices because who doesn’t want a live action Jem and Will??
“San Andreas”
Directed by Brad Peyton Written by Carlton Cuse (Story by Andre Fabrizio and Jeremy Passmore) Starring Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario, Ioan Gruffudd, Archie Panjabi, Paul Giamatti, Hugo Johnstone-Burt, Art Parkinson Rated PG-13
** 1/4 out of ****
For the past few years, my fiance, Danielle Stolman, has served as my co-writer/founder at our site, We Hate Your Gimmick. Today, she joins me as we review Hollywood’s newest bit of disaster porn, “San Andreas”.
MATT: Your initial reaction to me saying, “I’m seeing ‘San Andreas'” was, in essence–.
DANIELLE: It was: (makes gagging sound)
MATT: Mine wasn’t quite the same. It was more like, “All right. Bring it.” You know? Kinda like The Rock and how he (sticks out arm, does the “BRING IT” thing The Rock used to do) does that?
DANIELLE: Who?
MATT: The Rock?
DANIELLE: Who now? I don’t believe he wants to be called that anymore.
MATT: Oh, that’s right. He’s pulling a “Rick Schroeder” and wants to be called “Dwayne Johnson”. I just can’t I can’t. He’ll always be The Rock to me.
DANIELLE: Well, at least you got the wrestling reference in. And it only took you…(looks at watch)…what, all of 47 seconds?
MATT: 37 seconds. Get a new watch. (Danielle sticks her tongue out at me.) All in all, the movie wasn’t bad. At least I didn’t think it was.
DANIELLE: Same here. A lot better than I expected — but not without it’s…faults.
MATT: Oooooo…woulda been more impressive with the Caruso shades and the “YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH”, but I see what you did there. But, yeah, the movie’s not without its issues. It’s your typical alpha male jock of a movie: big, dumb and stupid looking but hits you in the face hard and steals your lunch money. It’s the type of movie that shows you famous city skylines and their landmarks and then superimposes the name of the city as if we didn’t know that the Hollywood sign was in the greater Los Angeles area. But, then, the target audience thought the film was an adaptation for one of the Grand Theft Auto games when the trailer debuted, so…and, forgive us if we’re not fully explaining “the plot” here. There really isn’t one. The movie basically sets up the usual “everyday family”, then the Earth starts shaking and we’re lucky we got that much character development.
DANIELLE: Ironically, parts of this movie feel like one of the GTA games. The Rock runs around, practically invulnerable, stealing cars, planes and even boats. It’s exactly like GTA. There’s one point in the movie, San Francisco’s burning away and there’s no way him and Carla Gugino are gonna navigate through fire and brimstone — I mean, Gugino would die and The Rock would probably adapt and suddenly be able to breathe fire and smoke and eventually become a dragon or something — but he’s basically like, “We can’t walk through all that crap, so let’s take a boat.” So, he sees this boat. And it’s not like it’s there, ready to rip. The owner’s already taken it into the bay — but, somehow, the next shot is The Rock and Carla Gugino on the boat. No explanation of how that happened. I’m thinking he ran away a couple blocks and then returned and, boom: the boat re-spawned. But that’s just speculation at this point. I’d really hate to think that The Rock bludgeoned the guy.
MATT: He was Superman in this film. Nothing bothered him. Earthquake? Whatever. We’re gonna fly this chopper from Los Angeles to Bakersfield. Chopper’s gonna crash? Let’s glide the fucker into this chain store and find a car to drive the rest of the way by hot-wiring it. Guy who owns car has a gun? Fuck him. Pistol whip him. Let’s go. Oh, shit. Car can’t go any further. Let’s grab a prop plane from an airfield that happens to be nearby. He has an answer for everything. Here he is, they set him up early on: he’s this decorated military guy who’s served in Afghanistan and he’s part of this elite rescue unit that choppers around California, rescuing people from their overturned cars and forest fires — everyone else in the movie is taking bumps except for him. His wife is escaping a burning — and collapsing — building. She busts an eardrum, gets a concussion, is probably bleeding internally. His daughter nearly has her legs crushed in one scene before she’s rescued by this dopey British dude who’s basically like, he’s like the guy you hire when you can’t get Hugh Grant or Colin Firth or pretty much anyone from “Love, Actually”, so you hire this guy and–.
DANIELLE: He’s an Aussie.
MATT: Right! And so they hire this guy (Hugo Johnston-Burt) and he just…you remember that one Family Guy episode where Peter and Lois are at the movies, watching that Hugh Grant flick? It was basically this:
MATT (con’t):That bit is Johnstone-Burt through the entire movie. And it’s insulting because here’s Blake (Alexandra Daddario), she’s intelligent and strong and a total feminist role model — but it’s pretty much by default because he’s like (British accent) “Oh no! I’ve got a cut. Whatever shall I do?” And Blake is totally charmed by his puppy dog demeanor.
DANIELLE: And his baby brother’s already one-upping him because he’s this prototypical beta male wimp. He spends part of the movie trying to get into her panties–.
MATT: And probably would have succeeded with a little more time and effort. Man…the little brother (Art Parkinson)…I forgot about him.
DANIELLE: Why was he a character? I mean, Ben’s at a job interview so there’s no reason his little brother should even exist.
MATT: Demographics. Same reason we got the young daughter who beat up Velociraptors using Olympic gymnastics in The Lost World.
DANIELLE: What was so silly to me was the fact that, as you mentioned, Johnson’s character is portrayed as this upstanding military hero — and he goes rogue with a company chopper –.
MATT: And nobody at his home base is trying to contact him. “Hey, Rock, where the hell are you, we have 180,000 people to save from a burning building, we might need air support,” and Rock’s like, “You don’t talk to The Rock that way. I’m the man who killed Chuck Norris. This was his chopper.”
DANIELLE: And he didn’t even really need the chopper. It was as if the filmmakers paid for the rental time and didn’t want to waste the money.
MATT: And that whole plot device produced one of the worst quake survival instructions ever: “Get to higher ground.” Yes, you’re in a 35-story building that’s about to shake apart and collapse…but get to high ground so your helicopter pilot husband can pick you up on the roof. He not only tells his wife this, he tells his daughter this — and this film had the backing of ready.gov??? Really??? I doubt their instructions for quake survival are, “If you’re in an uptown skyrise and the building begins to shake, head for the roof. For reals.”
DANIELLE: “Ready.gov: The King of Beers!” (Matt laughs.) Man, I’d hate to see what happens to him in a sequel.
MATT: “He stole a bunch of vehicles and abandoned his post to, uh…badly perform CPR on his daughter who’s, like, ten years younger than he is and that’s kinda creepy!” (Danielle giggles.) “The Rock stars in…HAYWARD FAULT.”
DANIELLE: They need to include a scene where he’s standing trial and he’s facing the judge and he says, “Sorry, judge…it wasn’t… (takes out sunglasses, puts them on)…my fault.”
MATT: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH!!! I like it! You know, we kid a lot but Dwayne Johnson does a fantastic job in this role. He’s really found a niche as a big Hollywood action star
DANIELLE: We can’t leave the review without discussing three of the other supporting actors. Paul Giamatti who just has so much fun in a role that he honestly fits in. Archie Panjabi, the Indian actress who plays the reporter and Ioan Gruffudd, who plays the guy Gugino’s character is dating because her and The Rock are separated.
MATT: I really thought Giamatti was good in this. As you said, he “fit”.
DANIELLE: He really did.
MATT: Even though he’s just playing some guy who somehow knows everything that nobody ever listens to. This movie takes that to the next level.
DANIELLE: Was it his over-dramatic student slideshow that you didn’t like? Or was it the breathy tone and grimacing during his “predictions”? Or the magical “Cal Tech” that withstood four earthquakes at the strength of 9 or more on the Richter Scale?
MATT: With their phones, computers and televisions all still working after each one. I loved that one line, by the way: “Don’t worry! Cal Tech is the safest place to be right now!” No, my favorite bit was where they need to “get the word out” about San Francisco’s impending big quake, so they actually pirate a television signal. That’s all well and good — but ultimately pointless. I mean, I can forgive the fact that they actually had the cliched hacker trope where the guy hacking the signal furiously types code, claps his hands, turns around and declares, “WE’RE IN!” That always makes me giggle. It was the fact that CNN brought them on the air. So, why the hell did they go to the trouble of creating a “pirate signal” when CNN could have just picked up their broadcast after a simple affiliate phone call?
DANIELLE: Added to that, Panjabi is a reporter who’s reduced to nodding her head in wonderment because Giamatti’s sooooo smart. At one point, they’re under a desk together and she’s basically got her head on his shoulders and it just, the whole scene feels awkward.
MATT: At least she’s not Ioan Gruffudd. He just, like, he’s there. He’s a nice guy who’s probably gonna become Blake’s new Dad. He’s a rich city real estate guy with buildings in — SURPRISE: San Francisco. They all live in a fucking house the size of The Napa Fairmont and about as beautiful. Then he becomes a douche for no reason and he like, he runs away from Blake during the earthquake and then, nobody, like nobody cares about him and he’s dead an hour later from quake debris.
DANIELLE: “Gruffudd” was the sound of him dying when that heavy shipping container landed on him.
MATT: Whew…that’s devilish. I like it! The movie, overall, is decent even though it’s a prime example of a recent theory that action movies are pretty much attempting to re-write 9/11. There’s even a scene — and I laughed because I called this. I said, “Well…at least they don’t have a scene where the American flag is waving in slow motion as a ‘source of inspiration'”. Whoops. There’s actually a scene where they’re just kinda catching their breath after San Francisco’s been through hell and The Rock’s like, “We’ll rebuild!” Boom. American flag unfurls. And this is the best part: it’s hanging from the ruins of the Golden Gate bridge, meaning that somebody authorized a crew to climb a hundred feet into the air upon the ruins of a possibly unstable object just so that they can hang the country’s flag because earthquakes are evil, just like ISIS.
DANIELLE: It was red meat for the Fox News crowd. Gotta show the flag or else the terrorists win.
MATT: But…it was a movie about an earthquake destroying the city, not terrorists.
DANIELLE: ‘MURICA! SHUT UP!
MATT: So, personally, I give this thing two stars. I liked the whole “stuff blowing up real good” thing. It was a mindless action picture with a few poignant moments with some great performances out of Johnson, Gugino and Giamatti. Much better than I expected and, certainly, the best movie this week, if DeGroot’s review for “Aloha” is any indication.
DANIELLE: I’ll go two and a half. I thought The Rock was great and I think he could really branch out and play some great dramatic parts. I’m not talking Oscar here, but he was the best part of this movie.
MATT: That’s a final rating of **1/4 stars for “San Andreas”. Stay tuned next week as The Workprint will bring you reviews for “Entourage” and “Spy” and, of course, feel free to talk at us in the comments section. See ya’!
DANIELLE: Have a nice weekend! Thanks for reading!
THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1102" - The Bachelorette loves a good joke so she takes seven of the men on a group date to test their sense of humor. The bachelors are thrilled when they discover that superstar comic Amy Schumer will tutor them on how to deliver a punch line, as she prepares them for their standup debut at the famous Improv Comedy Club in Los Angeles. One by one the seven bachelors attempt to make Kaitlyn and the audience laugh. But who will get the last laugh and the rose? - on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, MAY 25 (9:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Matt Petit)
AMY SCHUMER, CHRIS
Well folks, week two of The Bachelorette isn’t really any less dumb than week one was. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. However, there IS one thing on this weeks episode that makes it a hell of a lot more tolerable – and that is the presence of comedian Amy Schumer stopping by to mock the crap out of these dumbass men. Oh, it was good times. Let’s begin …
Our story begins with Kaitlyn arising from her giant bed in her giant mansion, and telling us in voiceover: “Waking up this morning as the bachelorette was so surreal.” Was it also surreal that you slept with your bra on underneath your tank top, and that your hair was perfectly done up, and makeup too? They literally showed a shot of her “rising ” out of bed and doing that phony “yawn and stretch” thing that people do in mattress commercials. Next, she went and stood by the window, where she longingly pondered life as she gazed out the window. Finally, she meets up with Daddy Host Harrison outdoors, where they discuss the fact that in night one, she has already kissed more than 2 men. Meanwhile, at Testosterone Mansion, the men are shirtless and drinking coffee and mimosas. Pointless Host Harrison comes on over to tell the men “Here’s how it’s gonna work, men. There will be 2 group dates, and one solo date. ” He leaves the first group date card and rides away to masturbate with a rose in the Fantasy Suite.
GROUP ORGY # ONE / BOXING DAY:
This group orgy, I mean date, involves Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Kupah, Tanner, Ben with an H initial, Ben with a Z initial, and of course, Kaitlyn. All of them have stupid names. They meet at a warehouse type place, and female boxer Laiala Ali is there waiting. She is going to train them, and then make them fight each other in matches leading up to a winner. Kupah is in his own world and really seems to be enjoying fighting that punching bag. Looks like he has some serious anger to get out. He ignores Kaitlyn almost completely and is the only one of the men who doesn’t come up and chat with her. She notices this. Ben H. is scared to fight and wants his mommy. Daniel the Fashion Designer has to fight Ben with a Z, who has a forest of hairs under his arms. The other Ben fights Dan, and they are beating the crap out of each other, but the punching is very girly. It’s all over the place and with no focus. The final match is Jared and Ben with a Z initial. Jared goes down and everyone flips out, with Kaitlyn saying “I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” It’s boxing. What did you think would happen? After getting hit hard in the head, the EMTS feel he should go to the hospital, so he does. Everyone is all concerned for about 17 seconds, and then they all forget about him and sit around outside drinking more wine in gigantic wine glasses. Kaitlyn spends one-on-one time with some of the men during this night portion of the date. “Ben Z. is a hunk of meat”, she says to camera. Yeah, he is also a hunk of hair. Under his armpits. Gross. He tells her how his mom died of cancer when he was 14. He opens up to her. Then a different white guy who looks the same as Ben Z. but has a different name also opens up to her, telling her that he has a son. His son’s name is Aeuraleus. Seriously. He should be kicked off and sent home in the sad limo just for that stupid name. While talking with him, or maybe it was a different white guy, Kaitlyn receives a note: “Come downstairs right now. I need to see you.” Well, aren’t you a demanding little thing? It is Jared, the one who got hit in the head. He says he can’t join the party but got permission to have her come meet him in the street for a few minutes. They make out while standing outside. He tells the cameras “It was worth every black eye I got.” Jesus dude, it was like a 3 minute match. How many black eyes did you get??? Kaitlyn goes back inside and gives Ben Z and his armpit hair the group date rose. They kiss more.
Meanwhile, after the group date is over, we return to Alcoholic Mansion where the men are still shirtless for no reason and discussing the group date that just happened. Well, actually, weirdo non-healer Tony is discussing it, and everyone else is staring at him because he is a loon. Tony goes off on a monologue about how he didn’t appreciate having to box for love. “Love is selfless. Not something you fight for with violence and fists. Love is being in the moment. Being present. Having ideas. Love is in my heart, bro.” Nobody knows what the F you are talking about, bro. Then, this was the best part. He goes outside and is talking with one of the other white men, and he refers to Kaitlyn as Britt. He calls her Britt. “I’m here for Britt, and I’m sincere”. White guy: “You mean Kaitlyn.” “Right. Right. Of course. Kaitlyn. Yeah dude. I’m here for her. For sure.” What a phony piece of crap you are, Tony.
ONE ON ONE WITH CLINT AND KAITLYN:
She picks him up in the car and they go for a drive. They go to a Villa on a hillside, to meet up with “Gisele”, a professional conceptual underwater photographer. Apparently taking underwater romantic pictures is all the rage lately in California, so they got all dolled up in suits and dresses and did tons of poses underwater together. They kissed underwater too, and Kaitlyn thought that was the coolest thing ever. Later on, they had dinner together and talked. This dude is so boring and dull, I literally recall nothing that was said on this date. He looks like a cheesy character from a Disney film. He looks like he is made out of cardboard. They make out a lot more, she gives him the rose, and proclaims this as the “best date of my life.” Really?
GROUP ORGY # TWO / COMEDY FAIL
This group orgy, I mean date, took place at the famous comedy club THE IMPROV. The men were met there by the hilarious comedian Amy Schumer, and she even brought along more comics such as Rachel Feinstein with her, to help these guys write their material. Yes, the men had to write a set and then perform for an actual audience and for Kaitlyn. On this date was: JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and Tony. Amy talks to Kaitlyn before the men arrive, and they have a funny exchange lightly mocking the show and last season’s Farmer Dull …
Amy: So whats your vibe going into this? Are you saying to yourself, like, I’m not going to kiss anybody?
Kaitlyn: I’ve already kissed everybody.
Amy: (laughs) That’s great. Can you just imagine if you were driving a tractor right now instead of being here , like, um, what happened? That would be hilarious. So, I’m obsessed with this show. I sit home and watch it and judge all of you and say ‘I’m fine. I’m okay.”
Amy then tells cameras: “I love Kaitlyn, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”
J.J. tells the cameras that he thinks he is a really good comic, and he is going to do really well tonight. He then sits down with Amy and proceeds to show his true colors as a pompous conceited douchebag who loves himself too much. Amy hilariously says to camera: “JJ is a sweetheart. He’s just missing charisma, and humility, and a sense of humor.” He tells Amy: “I feel like I’m smarter than 90% of the audience.” Amy: “You’re not.”
The horrific comedy show begins. Amy does a quick set upfront, then comes Chris the dentist who is extremely nervous about sucking. He gets up there and makes fun of himself sucking, and it goes over well. He comes across as endearing, even though he isn’t hilarious by any means. Up next is weirdo “Healer” Tony, who literally does not even attempt HUMOR or jokes at all. It’s like he has no idea what a comedy club is, or why he is up there, or what laughter is. This dude takes himself WAAAAY too seriously, and he starts another monologue about: “I’m very grateful to be here tonight. I’m super in touch with my emotions , I’m very intuitive, sensitive,very glad to have this opportunity. Each experience is a learning lesson in life…….” Midway through his lecture, the audience starts cracking up like crazy because of what a loon he is and the things he is saying. He doesn’t get the joke at all and finally exits, stage left even. They show us tiny pieces of each of the men’s sets, which is probably for the best. Kaitlyn again says that this is the “best date ever.” Wow, you forgot about Clint pretty fast there. Now it’s time for some one-on-one time with some of these hilarious men . (sarcasm)
First up is good ole Tony the Healer. They go off together moments after he tells the other men: “I’m not here for her. I’m here for US. My feelings matter too. ” Outside with Kaitlyn, he talks her ear off about their supposed great connection. She stares at him blankly as he goes on and on and on: “we have connected on a level I’ve been craving. Youre like a combination lock, as opposed to a key turn. You gotta turn it a little this way, little that way, little this way, little that way, little this way ………” ALRIGHT ALREADY!!! WE GET IT!!! She literally says nothing in response to his brilliant simile.
Up next is douchey J.J., who I just noticed is a “Former” Banker. So … unemployed. They kiss a lot, which is extremely gross, as you can hear the spit moving back and forth in their kissing. He kisses wet and loud and messy. Yuck. They talk about his 3-year-old child, and Kaitlyn is smitten by his sweetness. Gag.
Then, minutes later, Kaitlyn is standing up against some wall of some building somewhere outside with Joe, and they are making out hard-core. She tells cameras: “It was hot. ” His hair looks like a cactus and his accent is bizarre. Despite the massive kissing, gross J.J. gets the rose .
COCKTAIL PARTY AND DRAMA:
So, JJ has a rose already, but he IMMEDIATELY takes Kaitlyn aside for some MORE one-on-one time with her , the second the party begins. All the men are upset at him and dislike him when he does this, because they had just agreed to give those with no roses their time first. Once he talks with Kaitlyn, he says to camera: “Im feeling smugness wrapped in cockiness wrapped in confidence inside of ‘I just talked to the girl and you didnt.'” Wow. Thats mature. He and the rest of the men continue to argue like petty pre-teens.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is now outside again with Ian. He tells her his story about being a runner and getting hit by a car, being in a coma, and everything he has been through. He tells her he knows he can get through anything now, and she tells cameras:”Im beside myself with what he makes me feel. Its attractive.” They kiss too.
Meanwhile, Healer Tony who can’t heal shit, and JJ, are pissing each other off royally. Tony takes everything way too seriously, and starts getting all upset over JJ again. Kupah tells the cameras that he wants to pull Kaitlyn aside and talk to her, because he doesn’t want to be here “as the minority guy to fill some quota.” He sits her down and begins the weirdest conversation ever, talking in circles and making little sense. He talks about their connection, or lack of it, and where it went, and starts asking her all these weird questions. She tells him that she actually felt a connection with him, until right now. She asks him for some time alone and he leaves and proceeds to go 20 feet away outside to blab to the men about their conversation, telling them: “She didn’t even look me in the eye, man. It was really awkward. She said she needed time.” He was talking loudly, then Kaitlyn comes out and says to him: “Wow, you really don’t have a quiet voice, do you?” She pulls him aside and says bluntly: “I gotta let you go.” He refuses to leave the show. “No I don’t wanna go.” He awkwardly sips his alcoholic beverage and chews the ice. She says again “you need to go.” He says “I don’t feel like I should. Youre so pretty. Youre sexy.” She says “I’m more than that. You need to go now.” He takes another sip, and starts to mumble something and walks away finally. “Good luck” he says with no sincerity. Kaitlyn is then inside, and while talking to cameras, she hears him outside yelling and arguing with one of the producers or a cameraman or someone. They are trying to do his “exit interview” , and he isn’t cooperating. He yells at the guy: “Just let me go home, okay? Yeah I’m upset she sent me home. Yeah Im mad I didn’t get a rose. Is that what you want? Let me leave …..” Things get a bit more intense, and then ……..
TO BE CONTINUED …….
But we all know whats going to happen. He won’t be staying much longer. He is black, and all the black guys usually leave by week 3. Every single season.
NEXT WEEK: Tony still hasn’t healed anyone or anything. JJ still isn’t funny. Clint is an animated Disney freak. Kaitlyn kisses 34 more men who aren’t even on the show.
Once upon a time, we ran a feature called “Small Game Saturdays”, where we would do a quick take on a small downloadable title. Well that feature has been reborn as a shiny new video series called “Small Game Sample.” I mean… Why should Saturday’s have all the fun? (see* I need a less rigid schedule in order to pump these out)
This episode Rob is joined in his fight against the Nazi occult by James from The Life of Gaming Podcast. They are taking a look at Wolfenstein: The Old Blood on the Xbox One!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsBlZwGdlYI
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A couple of months ago I wrote a rather scathing review of 50 Shades of Grey and assumed at the time that I would not see a worse film this year.
I was wrong.
A couple of nights ago I had the chance to see an early screening of Writer/Director Cameron Crowe’s latest opus, Aloha, and was surprised to find the man himself standing in front of the theater before the film began to introduce it to the audience made up of film critics and other members of the press. Normally this type of introduction is a lighthearted affair with a couple quips about the making of the film and how nice it was working with such a talented cast, but that wasn’t the case here. Instead, Mr. Crowe addressed us with a sort of defeated malaise that reeked of a man clearly affected by months of bad buzz stemming from the Sony hack emails and a stream of news articles over the previous 24-hours accusing the film of white-washing the populace of Hawaii.
Crowe never addressed these accusations directly but defended the film by saying he only intended it to be “a love letter to Hawaii” and then wrapped things up to let the film speak for itself.
Suffice it to say, a love letter to Hawaii it was not. In fact, it only took about 15 or 20 minutes for me to turn to my boyfriend and say, “What the fuck is this movie?”
I struggled to answer that question as Aloha played out over the remaining 90 minutes or so and in the end the only answer I could come up with was that it was a plain and simple MESS.
I mentioned 50 Shades of Grey earlier because even though I found that film to be terrible disaster, it was somewhat cushioned by the fact that it was a hilarious, terrible disaster that occasionally felt like it was in on the joke. Aloha on the other hand seems to be a film without a self-conscious bone in its body. At no given moment is it entirely clear who we should be rooting for, why we should care about anything that’s happening, or even what genre it should be considered. At its core it feels like a movie written by 12 people who never spoke to each other or read what each other was writing.
You can then imagine my surprise when I saw Crowe listed as the sole writer on the film. Is it possible that he let some neighborhood children make a few additions to his first draft of the screenplay and then called it a day? That’s the only explanation I can think of for the man who previously gave us Jerry Maguire, Say Anything, and Almost Famous.
So what’s the plot you ask? Well, the best I can summarize it is as follows:
A former military man, Brian plated by Bradley Cooper, (who is now down on his luck and working for private contractors) arrives in Hawaii to negotiate with a local tribe of native Hawaiians for the placement of a new military installation that will be able to launch satellites into space for an eccentric billionaire played by Bill Murray. For this task Brian is paired with a plucky military servicewoman named Allison (Emma Stone) who is proudly 25% Hawaiian and therefore obsessed with preserving the land and sky above them. In other words, she hates the idea of launching things into space from Hawaii.
Brian and Allison are an odd couple but oh gosh you better believe they end up falling for each other! But wait! …There’s more!
Brian also immediately encounters an ex-girlfirend, Tracy (Rachel McAdams), he hasn’t seen in 13 years and she immediately gets “all weird” around him causing her stoic husband (John Krasinski) to want a divorce.
Oh and then we find out Brian is actually the father of Tracy’s oldest daughter (duh!) and that Bill Murray’s character has built his own nuclear weapons (?!?!?!) and stowed them away on the satellite in hopes of defending America! Allison doesn’t like this so as a grand gesture to her Brian uploads a program that destroys the satellite mere minutes after we find out that in addition to negotiating with local populations he is also a computer programmer capable of undoing a Chinese hack that was trying to cripple the satellite prior to launch. (Yes – I wish I were making this up too.)
This act wins back Allison’s heart but the threat of jail time for destroying a piece of U.S. Military equipment means their time together will probably be short. But don’t worry – the big general (Alec Baldwin) happily announces that they didn’t know Bill Murray was hiding nukes on the satellite either so Brian is actually a hero and all is forgiven! Brian and Allison get together, Tracy and her husband call off the divorce, Brian now has a daughter, and everything is wonderful!
I realize I just spoiled the entire movie but honestly, if you were still willing to see it after reading this, you deserve to be spoiled.
And as you could probably tell from that loose description of the plot, the film is all over the place in just about every way imaginable. Another great example of this is a scene where Brian and Tracy’s notoriously quiet husband have a heart-to-heart without actually saying any words. Instead they merely look at and touch each other with subtitles underneath expressing what’s actually being said between them. This kinda thing has been done before and in broader comedies can actually be quite funny, but in this case it goes on for way too long and happens incredibly late in the film when such a gimmicks feels wildly out of place.
With all of these missteps it seems like Crowe was genuinely asleep at the wheel for almost every step of the filmmaking process here. He claims to call it a love letter to Hawaii but even the photography of the land itself is flat and unappealing. Sure, he assembled an attractive cast that is capable of making the most of the screenplay’s truly bizarre turns, but even that aspect is squandered by the whitewashing claims that have plagued the film’s release. And even if you don’t completely buy into those complaint’s it’s hard not to wonder why Emma Stone’s “25% Hawaiian” character couldn’t have been a full-fledged Hawaiian woman.
I don’t usually go on for this long about a movie that I truly despised so I’m going to wrap things up assuming you get the point and leave things on a singular positive note:
I hope everyone had a nice, safe Memorial Day and is hunkering down with their post-BBQ drink of choice to wind down the long weekend.
RAW has been pretty good and we’re on the cusp of Elimination Chamber which, honestly, I can’t wait for. I will never understand why they put Fastlane on instead of this one. EC has been WWE’s post-Rumble Sgt. Pepper and I’m glad they booked it, despite the fact that it seems, for all intents and purposes, to be last-second and desperate.
Let’s go, shall we?
We start with the a nice video package paying homage to the soldiers who died in the name of the United States — narrated by President Ronald Reagan (who, I swear, Vince thinks is still in power) and interspersed with various WWE superstars reciting the words to Reagan’s speech.
Cody’s wife asks us to stand in remembrance of the soldiers who passed with ten-bells salute.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Long Island, New York for Monday Night RAW!!!
Just in case you aren’t fully fatigued by long opening segments involving The Authority, here’s another one. Triple H, Steph, Seth Rollins, J&J Security and Kane all come out to start us off. Rollins sarcastically asks the crowd to cheer Ambrose, then calls him a common “thug” which is strange since CNN and MSNBC fell all over themselves to tell us that white people couldn’t say that word anymore. Rollins says that Ambrose extorted his way into a Championship match. Rollins says that The Authority can punish him by taking away the match or firing him. Triple H and Steph aren’t enthused by the idea. Triple H says that a verbal arrangement is locked away. But, wouldn’t ya’ know it: there needs to be a contract signing. In fact, he has the contract and invites Ambrose out to the ring so that he can sign it.
Ambrose’s music hits and he says that he’s been dreaming of punching Rollins instead of sheep. He says that he will be the new face of WWE and that there will be changes: J&J will go barefoot like “respectable hobbits”. Kane will stop wearing a suit and will wear a collar like an obedient lapdog which is an image I really don’t want in my head, thank you very much. Rollins will always be Justin Bieber. The crowd hits that chant right away. Rollins isn’t happy. He calls Ambrose a cockroach and says that he thinks being called Justin Bieber is a compliment: Bieber is rich and has chicks and he’s “the most successful artist of his generation”. Well…one out of two ain’t bad. Rollins dares Ambrose to come down.
Ambrose says that he’d rather be a cockroach then somebody’s “human centipede”. Ambrose makes his way to the ring — and Roman Reigns interrupts. Ambrose and Reigns bump fists. Steph says that she finds their friendship cute. Dean has until the end of the night to sign the contract — in the meantime, we have to sit through Ambrose & Reigns vs. Rollins & Kane variation #73.
(We’re back to long promos again, are we? Look, you could have just had Ambrose lead this thing off, had the Authority attempt to jump him, THEN set up the main event all in the space of five minutes. But, no, it’s Ambrose fantasizing about Kane in a dog collar and Rollins being Justin Bieber — again — and this goes on and on and on and on…wrestling fans aren’t morons. We know what the situation is and what Ambrose needs to do. There’s no need for this crap. We already had the needless “party” last week. It’s time to use what intensity these two have to really make this thing pop before EC…but, no, 15 minutes of talking leading to another tag team abortion starring Kane is what we’re given instead.)
We go to break.
MATCH #1: WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins & Kane vs. Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns Ambrose and Kane start up with Ambrose beating him from corner to corner after a sitting dropkick and press. Reigns tags in and he tosses Kane’s head into a turnbuckle. He suplexes Kane and tags Ambrose but Kane puts Ambrose into his own corner and it’s a tag to Rollins. Rollins hits a suplex for two. Rollins puts Ambrose in a headlock but Ambrose breaks and tags Reigns and the two faces hit a double clothesline on Rollins. Samoan Drop by Reigns as JBL wants to talk about how Nassau Coliseum is closing its doors and how sad that is — even though they have some of the deadest crowds ever. Reigns goes outside and sets up for the Missile Dropkick on Rollins but J&J work their magic and Rollins slide kicks Reigns on the distraction. Kane tosses Reigns back in for the headlock by Rollins as Booker actually calls HHH an “Indian Giver”. At this point, I’m convinced Booker’s doing this Kayfabe to introduce a new segment where he apologizes for the shit he said last week. Reigns escapes the hold and tags in Ambrose who beats up Rollins and hits a Bulldog. He clotheslines Rollins out of the ring and hits a Flying Lunatic. Kane comes to help out but Reigns uppercuts him. Ambrose and Reigns stand tall in the middle of the ring.
After a break, Rollins is back in control, hitting a shortarm clothesline on Ambrose. Ambrose comes back with a huge clothesline and makes the hot tag to Reigns. Kane is in on the other side. Reigns hits a clothesline and big boot, then a series of clotheslines in the corner. J&J tries to get involved but Reigns takes Mercury’s head off and issues a Superman Punch to Jamie Noble. Kane attacks Reigns and goes for the Chokeslam. Reigns escapes and hits a Superman Punch to Kane, tagging in Ambrose. He hits a crossbody on Kane but Rollins interrupts the pin. Rollins tags in and hits a Springboard Knee to Ambrose’s head. Rollins goes for a kick to the head. Series of counters and Ambrose hits a Backslide to win this thing at 12:29. WINNERS: Ambrose & Reigns
RATING: **. The last three minutes of this match were worth watching. Otherwise, you’ve seen this before and it was nothing to write home about and really cold and boring for the most part.
Post-match, JBL goes off the handle, saying what a disaster it’s gonna be if Ambrose wins the title at EC while Michael Cole goes insane, acting like Ambrose pinning Rollins is something never before seen.
Kevin Connolly tweeted about RAW in Nassau. Also, him and the rest of the cast of “Entourage” is here.
Ambrose is backstage with Renee Young. He tells her that, by the end of the night, he will “have a signed contract”, which isn’t quite the way to say that, but whatever. I mean, I have no idea why since the match is already fucking booked, having been announced at the beginning of the show…
J&J show up to tease him by faking like they have said “contract”. Noble says, “Slap me on the head and call me ‘Sally'”, and states that they don’t really have the contract. So Ambrose calls him “Sally” and slaps him in the head and it’s a brawl. Oops, Ambrose belts the cameraman which comes off as supremely awkward.
JBL and Sotto Cole briefly argue about it while Booker adds whatever the hell comes out of his mouth, which isn’t much and doesn’t matter because the camera only shows JBL and Cole.
AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: It’s Eric Owens and John Cena.
Rusev’s out here and he’s Bulgarian again all of the sudden with Bulgarian trunks and flag…so…we’re all supposed to…hate Bulgaria now, I guess? He has a match…NEXT.
Oh, wait: the cast of Entourage is here. Adrian Grenier gets out of the limo and gets about the same reaction as Erick Rowan. All of the sudden, their theme music kinda begins to play and fades out a little as if the Gorilla Room can’t quite commit to this whole thing.
Anyhow, back to Rusev: we get clips of Rusev telling Lana to leave, followed by Lana leaving and then making out Ziggler later.
MATCH #2: Rusev vs. R-Truth Truth gets a couple licks in until Rusev hits Kick, Stomp, Accolade. Booker, during the Accolade: “C’mon, Truth! You gotta do something here!” Yeah. Truth submits at 1:00, that’s what he does. How he’s even in the Chamber match for the IC Title is beyond me. WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: n/a – squash
Post-match, Rusev wants to talk, baby, please…and we go to a commercial.
When we come back, Rusev is still calling out Lana, who finally shows up (with a slightly altered version of Rusev’s theme) and actually says, “You told me to come…I came.” Rusev says he knows Lana cares about him despite his losses to John Cena. He says Lana is a woman and “all women do things to make men pay attention.” Lana says she’s done everything for him and says that they can still “crush America” which makes no sense whatsoever being that Bulgaria is a member of NATO and an ally of the United States for crying outloud. The begging goes on. Lana and Rusev hug and the crowd boos. He wants Lana to say “three words”: “I…was wrong”. Lana is pissed and walks out of the ring. Lana says that Rusev is wrong. He quit. Rusev says he owns her and that she’s to get back into the ring. Lana tells him that he’s a liar and a quitter. She leaves and gets to the ramp. Ziggler’s music hits. The two make out on the ramp and Rusev’s furious.
(On the one hand, I’m glad to see that Rusev and Lana are evolving as characters, but it’s a bit weird what they’re doing with Rusev: portraying him as this vulnerable loser who has gotten away from Russia after losing his pride, yet aligning him with an ally of the U.S., while he still hates the U.S. and praises Russia and having him still scream at Lana like a misogynist pig. Pick a lane. And why Truth? The dude’s in the EC match. Why not Zack Ryder or Heath Slater? I know he isn’t gonna win the thing, but can we at least pretend like he’s worthy of being in it?)
Ambrose is backstage. Seth and HHH show up. Ambrose wants his contract and he’ll get it — even if he has to obtain it “the fun way”. HHH says that Ambrose isn’t gonna have anymore fun tonight. He brings in two “police officers” for the silly Arrest Spot despite the fact that a) the cameraman waffled on the accusation, b) Seth Rollins ordered the dude to confess in front of the fucking “cops” and c) this show features guys who regularly take out timekeepers and announcers “by accident” during matches. They leave the arena in a police van after Rollins, Kane and J&J taunt Ambrose while he’s cuffed.
MATCH #3: King Barrett vs. Ryback Ryback hits a press and slams Barrett’s head against the mat, then a Warrior Splash and Powerslam. He goes for the Meathook but Barrett rolls out of the ring. Ryback chases and Barrett just slaps him in the chest hard. He goes after the ribs and then gets back in the ring. Ryback gets back into the ring and Barrett puts him up on the top turnbuckle, kicking at Ryback’s ribs. Barrett hits a flying elbow from the second buckle and gets a two count. He knees Ryback in the back. Ryback comes back with shoulders in the corner. He tries to go second buckle but Barrett tosses him to the mat and hits Winds of Change for two. Barrett sets up the Bullhammer but Ryback can’t get to his feet. Barrett taunts him and slaps at him as he’s down. Barrett gets up and hits the Spinebuster and Shell Shock to win it at 3:51. WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: *1/2. Ryback continues to look strong while Barrett’s just become A Guy Walking Around in a Costume from Party City. I don’t care about either guy. Barrett became dead to me the moment he was told to drop the “Bad News” gimmick.
Backstage, HHH tells Steph that Ambrose is in Booking right now and there’s just no way he’ll come back! Then the case of Entourage shows up. Each guy gets a really weird close-up and says things like, “So happy to be here” and “Jeremy Piven would have been here but he’s not” and “Dude, I grew up here”. Turtle mentions getting his ass kicked by Ronda Rousey which was “fake”, unlike when Steph actually got her ass kicked by her at WrestleMania. The cast of Entourage leaves. Am I the only person in the world who didn’t care for that show outside of Ari?
MATCH #4: Stardust vs. Neville Some quick counters and Neville hits a forearm. Stardust comes back, twisting Neville’s injured knee against the ropes. Star hits a beautiful Delayed Reverse Suplex, getting a one count, then puts Neville in a Half Crab. Bo Dallas makes his way down to the ring. Stardust tries a Side Suplex but Neville counters it, escaping to the corner. Stardust climbs on him and the two exchange punches. Neville knocks Star to his feet and hits a nice DDT. He whacks at his own knee to “cure it” like Bruce Wayne’s spine in The Dark Knight Rises and hits the Red Arrow for the win at 3:17. WINNER: Neville via Red Arrow
RATING: 1/2 a *. Man…I like Neville. He deserves so much better than matches with Stardust and a feud with Bo Dallas.
Post-match, Bo has a mic. He tells Neville to get up and face him and says that all he has to do is BO-lieve. Then he kicks at Neville’s knee and leaves, doing a victory lap.
Oh, look, the Divas are all friends and nobody’s an enemy because it’s the Cast of Entourage! Like, OMG! Summer can’t wait for the movie! Then they meet Zack Ryder and he’s got this thing he’s gotta speak with The Cast of Entourage about!
Lana and Ziggler speak, inaudibly, with one another.
We get a plug for Money in the Bank.
MATCH #5: Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus This match again. And, once again, Cole can’t help but reference the “Kiss Me Arse” match. Sheamus levels Ziggler in the corner and hits a lariat. He chokes Ziggler with a knee and then puts him in a headlock. Ziggler breaks it but takes an elbow to the face. Sheamus tosses him out of the ring and goes after Ziggler but Ziggler tosses his head against the table and gets back in the ring. Sheamus immediately attacks Ziggler’s knee and goes for a Side Suplex. Ziggler counters and hits a dropkick and clotheslines Sheamus out of the ring but Ziggler goes over as well. Both men get up but Sheamus gets the advantage and hits a backbreaker as Lana makes her way out from the back to the entrance ramp. We go to break.
When we come back, Lana looks on as Ziggler is on the attack. Sheamus catches him for the Spinning Backbreaker for a two count. Sheamus picks him up and Ziggler fights back again, only to take a knee to the gut. Ziggler gets back up again and fights, hitting a chinbreaker. Ziggler hits some forearms, knocking Sheamus down. Ziggler tries the DDT but Sheamus counters and dumps him outside. Ziggler immediately gets up and hits a Crossbody off the top rope plus a Fame-Asser for a close fall. A few counters later and Sheamus flies into the ringpost. Superkick by Ziggler gets a two count. Out comes Rusev, who smirks at Lana. Ziggler sees him running down and hits a Superkick as he tries to enter the ring. Sheamus hits a Brogue and wins on the distraction at 10:18. WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: **. We’ve seen this already and it’s pretty much the same thing each time.
Post-match, Sheamus leaves Rusev to pick Ziggler’s bones. Rusev beats Ziggler up and it’s an Accolade while Rusev yells at Lana to “KISS HIM NOW”. He finally lets go and leaves as Lana just glares.
NEXT: Cena’s gonna challenge someone.
Cena joins us for his usual spiel where he indulges in the crowd loving/hating him. The crowd does the Cena chant. He praisesthe positive fans while the rest chant for Zack Ryder. He acknowledges the fans that hate him and says that fans like them hope he gets knocked down. But he always gets back up. He says he met Kevin Owens last week. Owens destroyed him as well as The Internet and Sami Zayn. Cena says that, at Elimination Chamber, it will be “Let’s Go Cena/Fight, Owens, Fight” — then he shits all over it, saying that “Fight Owens Fight doesn’t mean Win Owens Win”, so fuck the crowd. Also, hey, Long Island! Cena loves you. So, the challenge starts now and it’s…
THE FUCKING CAST OF ENTOURAGE.
They all stand on the entrance ramp and the arena boos them. Cena introduces them. More heat. Cena wants to know which guy will face him. Connelly has the mic and says they’re here to introduce a superstar who will take him up on the challenge:
Zack Ryder.
Hooray.Nobody fucking cares. Also, the CAST OF ENTOURAGE is at ringside.
MATCH #6: John Cena (champion) vs. Zack Ryder (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship Crowd is surprisingly hot for Ryder as Cena hits a suplex and a headlock, followed by another suplex. Cena squashes Ryder in the corner and tries to follow up but Ryder gets his knees up and hits a Missile Dropkick. Broski Boot misses and Cena hits Moves 1 through 3. 5KS by Cena but Kevin Dillon actually enters the ring to distract Cena. Ryder rolls Cena up on the distraction but only gets two. Ryder hits a nice Kill Switch and gets two. Broski Boot also gets two. Rough Ryder by Ryder gets two. THE CAST OF ENTOURAGE is going insane. Ryder misses the 450 Splash. Cena hits the AA and retains at 4:06 as the announcers praise Zack Ryder for jobbing in THIS HISTORIC ARENA. They even declare Ryder and Cena “friends” despite the fact that Cena let Kane eat Ryder alive and practically fucked Ryder’s girlfriend after Kane slaughtered him week after week. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: **. Quick match and far better than expected — but that isn’t saying much. It’s painfully obvious Ryder doesn’t have much to challenge Cena with and this felt more like a glorified squash than a real “championship match”.
Cena gives Ryder the rub and THE CAST OF ENTOURAGE joins in the celebration. They leave the ring — right as Owens gets in the ring to jump Cena and hit the Pop-Up Powerbomb. He steps on the U.S. Title again and raises the NXT Title.
Backstage, Steph praises Kevin Owens. HHH agrees. Rollins says that Owens is awesome — but he’s still the present and future of the WWE. Renee Young shows up (OUT OF NOWHERE!) and shoves a mic in Steph’s face to ask about Ambrose, which is weird since I was able to hear Steph talking without the mic five seconds ago. She says that it’s unlikely Ambrose will ever come back tonight. Rollins tells Renee that this is all Ambrose’s fault and brought this on himself.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Ambrose was arrested. Not that I’m an editor or anything…but shouldn’t this have been shown before the HHH/Steph/Rollins segment?
The Bella Twins are here — and they’re on commentary so, yes, tonight can get worse.
ON SMACKDOWN: Ryback takes on Rusev.
LAST MONDAY: Tamina and Naomi jumped Paige.
AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: Nikki Bella faces Naomi and Paige for the WWE Divas Title.
MATCH #7: Paige vs. Tamina Paige slaps Tamina, then kicks her in the stomach and hits some quick knees until Tamina sends her outside. Once back in the ring, Tamina puts Paige in a chinlock, then tosses her to the mat. Another chinlock and Paige fights out. Tamina fights back with punches of her own but Paige kicks her in the face. Quick roll-up from Paige gets two as Tamina nearly runs over Naomi on an Irish Whip. Paige hits a dropkick and Superkick and Tamina bails from the ring. Paige hits a flipping splash to Tamina and rolls her back in the ring. Tamina attacks Paige as she re-enters the ring but the ref pulls her off. Naomi distracts Paige and then slaps her which the ref should have seen as he was practically facing that direction, but whatever. Tamina hits the Samoan Drop to beat Paige at 3:36. Tamina. Who isn’t even IN the EC Match. Beat Paige. Who is in the match. WINNER: Tamina via Samoan Drop
RATING: 1/2 a *, if that. Nothing here. And I owe Phrederic an apology…Tamina sucks. And it was just made ten times worse with Nikki and Brie doing the “LIKE OMG” bit on commentary. And it was made even worse than that with Paige jobbing to Tamina fucking Snuka. I don’t care if it wasn’t clean. Even with interference, that’s just fucking low.
Post-match, Nikki holds up the Divas Title as Naomi jaws at her.
We get a look at The Rock getting his feet and hands put into cement at Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Cole talks up “San Andreas” even though it’s a critical flop.
The New Day enters the ring and starts yacking about injustice and how they’re being cheated. Big E mocks THIS HISTORIC ARENA and the Islanders. New. Day Sucks over and over until Kane shows up, because reasons, and says that “fair” is their match at EC, unlike tonight when they pretty much face every single stable. Also, Kane isn’t wearing a shirt, meaning that he’s been walking around for the past three hours backstage, shirtless. What, is he farming corn back there?
MATCH #8: WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day (Xavier Woods, Big E & Kofi Kingston) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya), The Primetime Players (Titus O’Neil & Damien Young), Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito), The Ascension (Viktor & Konnor) and Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) in a 10-on-3 Handicap Tag Team Match (non-title) We join the match after a break. Xavier has Kalisto in a Cobra Clutch but Kalisto breaks only for Woods to knock him to the mat. Woods taunts everyone on the other side of the ring and, fuck it. This match is over because everyone decided to wrestle a whole lot and all at once. Mark it at 0:51, if you care. WINNERS: The New Day, presumably by DQ
RATING: DUD. WTF was the point of this? Why was Kane even punishing The New Day? Aren’t they all heels? And why did everyone beat the hell out of everyone but The New Day if they were all there to punish them?
Post-match, everyone hits a spot until it’s a giant pile of muscles and tights on the floor outside. Lucha Dragons get on the top rope for a high spot, killing everyone below. The New Day avoids this and gets in the ring to celebrate…whatever that was as they’re announced the “winners” by DQ. Then Kidd comes into the ring with Cesaro. Dropkick off the Spin and, mercifully, this ends.
Cole plugs Daniel Bryan’s new YES YES YES special.
ON THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER KICK-OFF SHOW: MizTV hosts Daniel Bryan.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Ambrose attacked J&J Security, accidentally hit a camera guy that got in the way and was arrested for it.
ALSO: Surprise! Seth Rollins was the dude who shoved the camera guy because an alternate video stream of the incident was caught by WWE’s own YouTube channel. What is this, Poirot?
Triple H, Steph, Seth Rollins, J&J, and Kane walk to the ring to give us the other moldy piece of bread for this shit sandwich. Rollins says that what happened on the Sherlock App doesn’t matter because Ambrose is a lunatic. Steph says that RAW is a show they “work hard to produce” which is ironic, considering tonight. Steph says that the cameraman is “a father with triplets”, then says that they can’t “talk about Ambrose because there’s an ongoing investigation” even though we just saw Rollins shove the father with triplets into Ambrose. I just can’t…oh, then, Reigns shows up and he goes right after every member of The Authority until THENUMBERSGAME. It’s a mudhole stomp until Reigns throws Rollins and J&J away from him like he’s Vigo in Ghostbusters II. For some reason, they taunt him with the contract which they brought to the ring despite not needing it.
Then, a police van shows up backstage and it’s Ambrose driving the thing with a police jacket and nightstick. Cole speculates that “Ambrose was cleared of the charges after the YouTube video surfaced” because that’s how the law works. One could ask how Ambrose got a hold of a police truck, but I gave up on this episode about a year ago. Or, so it feels like it’s been a year. Anyhow, Ambrose gets in the ring and beats Kane senseless, then goes after Rollins but loses the nightstick. Rollins grabs it but Reigns takes it back. Ambrose and Reigns take Rollins out of the ring. Kane gets back in to help out, beating on Reigns while J&J try to ambush Ambrose. Reigns fights Kane off and hits a Spear on J&J. Kane tosses Reigns from the ring but Reigns does a stupid Ambrose-style “Rebound” and comes back with a Superman Punch to Kane.
HHH, Steph and Rollins are at the top of the ramp, looking unhappy. Ambrose finds the contract and signs it and we end the show with Ambrose and Reigns standing tall.
OVERALL: Holy shit, this was a mess. Not a total loss but, compared to the last few eps, this was like watching Smackdown and Main Event back to back. It was full of generic lazily-booked matches and a terrible, nonsensical sub-plot. Let me get this straight: the main event at EC was already booked — but only “verbally”, so HHH comes up with a scheme where Ambrose has to “sign a contract if he can get to it” instead of…oh, I dunno, JUST NIXING THE MATCH ALTOGETHER? Lana and Rusev were the only interesting thing on this show and even that’s dying a slow death.
Before we go…the Best of Internet Water Cooler regarding Monday’s show:
Artists draw inspiration from a variety of meaningful places, but filmmakers Anthony and James Gaudioso remember their love for movies getting off to an especially precocious start.
The Long Island, N.Y. natives and twin brothers sat down with The Workprint recently to discuss their career trajectory from the very beginning, recalling an early exposure to highbrow cinema thanks to their stepfather’s penchant for iconic auteurs like Stanley Kubrick and Brian DePalma.
Anthony, writer, co-star, co-producer and co-director of the brothers’ most recent feature The Ghost and the Whale, cited Vanishing Point, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and The Shining as standout influences. “We’re huge horror fans,” he grinned.
“I always felt affected,” James agreed. “I’d turn around during movies and be like, [wide-eyed] ‘Oh, my God!’ We’d talk about films afterward for so long where we’d kind of ruminate on how the actors were able to reach this place and hit that emotion. I think movies always just affected us, the human condition aspect, and that’s why we’re drawn to them.”
Ghost has enjoyed notable accolades and exposure since its completion last year, including a well-received screening at the Writers Guild in Los Angeles last August and the People’s Choice Best Picture Award at the Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival Awards in February. Most recently, the film enjoyed a featured slot during April’s Monadnock International Film Festival in Keene, N.H.
Of course, it takes much more than just watching movies to start actually making them. James, who starred, directed and produced The Ghost and the Whale alongside his brother, also cited the pair’s dedicated mother as a major source of support and encouragement along the way.
“We had a mom who was really cool … I think we came to her when we were 12 and said, ‘We wanna be actors!’ And she said, ‘Oh, my God. You picked the hardest f—king business. [laughs] But let’s do it.’ So we just hopped in the van and went to the city. For years.”
“The goal was to get into Manhattan as much as humanly possible,” Anthony explained, relaying tales of countless auditions and callbacks that resulted in some promising commercial work, as well as plenty of lessons in humility. “And she was the facilitator to that … She’d work a full shift, take her lunch at the end, pick us up from school and just cart us in and out.”
“And sit in four hours of traffic on the way home,” James added.
“Just a really cool, good mom,” Anthony nodded.
The tenacity was clearly genetic, as both Anthony and James capitalized on their passion straight through adolescence and into film school. It was there that Anthony began experimenting with a variety of genres, formats and technique, channeling a natural storytelling instinct through formal education tenets to help James and him express themselves behind the camera as well as in front of it.
“James and I have always been very proactive with our career … So film school was the right choice,” Anthony confirmed.
“Right when Anthony graduated, he said, ‘Let’s make a film together. Let’s make a thriller,’” James recalled with a smile. The twins soon launched into their first full-length collaborative effort with the help of a cousin, who provided the use of her mid-renovation Victorian home as a key shooting location.
The maiden feature, a supernatural drama inspired by their mother’s work as a well-known medium, caught the attention of New York socialite Cornelia Guest after she took a small role in the production. Guest was impressed with the young directors’ zeal and fortitude and recommended them to the editors of Vanity Fair, who were putting together a spread on Hollywood newcomers. Both brothers were featured in the piece, and the recognition clarified their necessity to migrate west and continue pursuing endeavors in Los Angeles. The choice to put down roots in L.A. made sense, Anthony said. After all, it’s the “mecca” where “everything happens,” he declared.
After arriving in 2005, Anthony and James set forth on establishing themselves as a creative team, producing everything from commercials for “high-concept ” ad house Pretty Nifty to feature-length projects under their own banner Gaudioso Twins Films. In the competitive Hollywood market, James revealed, taking control of their own destiny was an inevitable step toward bringing their lofty goals that much closer to reality.
“Filmmaking was the means to be able to create vehicles for ourselves. I felt a little stifled,” he admitted. “Because it always felt like a such a challenge to get in the door, we had to kind of create our own door — one that we could open. [laughs]”
Then, it came time to actually walk through it.
The brother’s next major venture reflected a natural evolution in their scope and skill. Screenwriter, co-star and co-director Anthony described Duke as “a gritty, contemporary Western set in L.A.,” and the project was the brothers’ most ambitious work to date. Co-starring Graceland’s Carmine Giovinazzo and Vanessa Ferlito, along with Shaft himself Richard Roundtree, Duke solidified Anthony and James’ place in the Hollywood community with their fresh take on a classic formula, showcasing provocative themes and characters that proved ultimately ahead of their time.
As J-Bird, a transgendered prostitute living on the streets, Duke co-star and co-director James considers his part in the film “the best role I ever played in my life.” Although he maintains an admirable modesty, James couldn’t help but agree that his acting work on Duke bears more than a passing resemblance to Jared Leto’s later turn in Dallas Buyers Club that won Oscar gold.
The Gaudioso twins’ latest film, The Ghost and the Whale, is a tale of revenge and redemption that centers on a tormented widower whose wife’s unsolved disappearance divides their community. Anthony and James incorporated elements of bi-polar disorder into the project to make it personally resonant for star Maurice Benard, who suffers from the mental affliction himself. After an intense writing binge in which he “went into my room for three months and came out with a big beard and a rough draft,” Anthony presented a script to producer Paula Benard, which she loved. Soon, Anthony and James began tackling co-directorial, co-producing and co-starring roles once again.
Following a successful festival run and impressive promotional appearances that included a segment on Oprah Winfrey’s OWN Network, The Ghost and the Whale gave the brothers yet another opportunity to capitalize on their expanding professional circle and experience. Precious and Brick producer Mark G. Mathis reached out to Anthony and James after snagging a Ghost screener, and expressed interest in helping them make what Anthony calls “a true passion piece.”
“This is something we birthed and was organic, and wasn’t so much a collaboration with outside parties. It’s us, as brothers, telling a story with characters we’ve created,” Anthony confirmed.
“It’s a slice of American life and what that really looks like,” James offered. The project, he described, is a coming-of-age family drama titled Numb. A “youth in revolt” film, Numb is about a young man with debilitating pain insensitivity who’s approaching the crest of a shortened life expectancy when his father dies suddenly.
“You really could call it dire straits, because they’re in this make-or-break moment here of whether or not the family [itself] is going to survive,” James explained.
Besides harnessing total narrative control, what makes Numb such a groundbreaking experience for the brothers is having the chance to let actors and directors other than themselves bring their story to life. The Ghost and the Whale producer and visual effects whiz Matthew Dean Russell will be stepping into the director’s chair, and instead of tackling the challenging dual role of lead character Aaron and his repressed psyche on their own, the brothers revealed several in-demand actors are potential front-runners for the part. With talks of Melissa Leo, Juliette Lewis and Kate Bosworth possibly rounding out the female cast, Numb looks primed to be the Gaudioso twins’ most high-profile effort yet.
With the stakes now higher than ever, relinquishing their usual multitude of responsibilities helps narrow focus and “feels like a breath of fresh air,” James said. “To wear so many hats, no matter what you’re doing in life, can be exhausting.”
“It’s going to be fantastic to watch someone else direct our words,” Anthony agreed excitedly. “It’s wild to think that you wrote a story and somebody else is going to go, ‘Hey, this is how I see it,’ and not have handcuffs. We told Matt, ‘Just do it.’”
“To have someone take something that’s lived in your mind and breathe life into it” is a huge relief and important perspective change, James added. “I’d rather give 100 percent in one or two areas instead of 70 percent in five, and then lose my hair.”
Numb may represent a whole new realm for the brothers, but their unwavering vision has yet to falter.
Spoilers through Game of Thrones season five, episode seven.
Welcome back to Game of Thrones, everyone! After last week’s–sigh–ending, I didn’t have high hopes for “The Gift” but thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised. To be honest, now that the big events the show has been building toward are coming to fruition, it’s probably the best episode of the season.
Winterfell
After last week’, I didn’t want to come back to Winterfell. If it isn’t obvious, I’m on the side of not agreeing with the Sansa’s rape; I think it’s kind of ridiculous storytelling and this week did nothing to improve that impression. After being battered and raped nightly by Ramsay, Sansa finally decides to go to Theon for help and for a moment, I thought he might actually help her, but instead he tattles to Ramsay, leading the monster to flay the old woman loyal to the Starks and put her on display for Sansa and all of Winterfell to see what becomes of those who defy him.
I have issues with this plot for several reasons. Firstly, the biggest argument I’ve seen defending last week’s rape (besides hurr durr it’s Game of Thrones get over it) was that Sansa knew what she was getting into when she agreed to marry Ramsay. I think that’s crap because 1. Sansa didn’t know she was marrying him until Littlefinger cornered her and 2. She thought Littlefinger would be in Winterfell to protect her. Now, the show has been building up Sansa to be stronger; of course, she’s been much more of a slow burn in her growth, especially when compared to sister Arya. However, Sansa isn’t stupid. If she knew she would be raped and abused like she has been, wouldn’t she have used the candle in the tower signal sooner? Instead, she uses it like a last resort, a struggling girl who has no other hope for salvation. It just feels like they’re putting her back into the shoes of that little girl who was engaged to Joffrey. I hope the show eventually proves me wrong.
Another reason I’m concerned by the plot is that Roose straight up told Ramsay to stop flaying people because he needed the support of the North. And that flaying? That was gruesome as hell. More to the point, Ramsay may have wed Sansa Stark, but I find it really hard to believe Roose, a shrewd man, would let Ramsay turn her into a play thing. Granted, she’s been fully covered and locked in her room, so maybe that’s the point. Roose hasn’t seen her. All I know is that at this moment, Dany sums up how I feel watching Sansa’s story in the north:
Also, Brienne, you’re only there for the cameos at this point. Either go in and save Sansa or head back to King’s Landing where it’s warmer because at this point, ain’t nothing going to happen with you vacationing in an inn for WEEKS.
Things aren’t going well for Stannis outside Winterfell either. The snow storms have arrived and he’s losing horses and sellswords faster than Melisandre can burn sacrifices. Speaking of her hobbies, Melisandre seems to have some doubts about Stannis’ march on Winterfell and wants some “insurance” in the form of king’s blood. Shireen’s blood. Thankfully, Stannis is all, oh no you didn’t and kicks her ass out of the tent because if anything happens to that girl heads are gonna roll. That being said, it’s these little inconsistencies that bother me most about the show. Melisandre used leeches with Gendry’s blood to “kill” the usurpers Robb Stark and Joffrey Baratheon. No mention of Balon Greyjoy who, I presume, is still chilling on Pyke. Not gonna mention that missed one, eh, Mel? If leeches from a bastard were potent enough to kill kings, why would Melisandre need to sacrifice Shireen? It doesn’t make sense to me.
The Wall
Jon leaves the Wall in the hands of a man who hates him, surrounded by crows who despise Jon’s decisions to save the wildlings and on a scale of One to Ned Stark levels of stupidity, this feels at least on par with Robb bringing his pregnant wife to the Twins. But hey, them Starks and their honor. I admire Jon’s decisions but he’s too trusting. Stannis wouldn’t trust those assholes with his wife’s fetus jars. And if all that wasn’t enough, poor Aemon Targaryen bites the big one, leaving Sam and Gilly all alone.
They run into some issues with–sigh–“men” of the Night’s Watch who take Snow’s absence as a sign that they can just start raping and killing people. And look, I get that you want to show me that they aren’t nice men, probably much like their mutinous counterparts at Craster’s Keep, but come on. Have them do something else to make them seem villainous. Sam can even still get his ass kicked if you deem it so necessary. As a viewer, it’s just not entertaining to constantly watch women get nearly raped and men portrayed as monsters who want to screw and kill any time leadership disappears. It isn’t a very pleasing for either sex, but whatever. Ghost shows up, awesome as ever, and protects the duo so they can then finally seal the deal and admit feelings toward one another. Sam does his best Winnie the Pooh impression during the act and I couldn’t help but laugh. Seriously though, he’s sweet.
Dorne AKA worst plot in the show
After the debacle that was last week’s rescue attempt, Jaime tries to have a heart to heart with Myrcella and she’s all, “Oh my god, you aren’t my dad, go away.” And he’s all, “Well, actually…funny story… but seriously, come with me. We need to talk with your mother.”
Jaime may get the fancy digs but poor, poisoned Bronn gets a dungeon cell conveniently across from the imprisoned Sand Snakes. One of them remembers that the show has a sexposition quota to fill and if they don’t show boobs soon they might get cancelled. Tyene takes one for the team and undresses in front of Bronn who, ugh, like all men in the show it seems, becomes comically tongue-tied at the sight of her body. I realize she was attempting to raise his heart rate to spread the poison faster and then give him the antidote, but I’m just wondering, why? What did either of those scenes accomplish? Nothing. Use this time for another plot.
King’s Landing
Things aren’t looking so good for any of the high-born families in King’s Landing. Tommen, frustrated that no one is listening to him, turns to Cersei for help. By now, I can’t help but think they want to portray Tommen as a bumbling fool. At least Joffrey had the sense to distrust some of Cersei’s dealings. Tommen turns to her and bad things happen over and over and over again, and yet, he is still naive to her ways. And that’s three weeks in a row of me comparing Joffrey to another character in a favorable light. What is this Westeros coming to?
Cersei, to follow through on her promise to Tommen, visits Margaery in the black cells of the Red Keep. It goes about as well as you would expect it to and Margaery is having none of Cersei’s polite bullshit and she loses her cool, tossing perfecting good day-old venison at the wall. Margaery may think she is the Queen of the subtle burn, but Cersei has years perfecting the art:
It may be the Tyrells who have the last laugh because just as Cersei sees herself at the height of her genius, the High Sparrow is there to bring her down about a dozen pegs. The Queen Regent, struggling to maintain a calm facade, doesn’t believe things are that dire until cousin/lover Lancel makes an appearance. Her descent is a thing of beauty, brought down by a man in rags and bare feet, and Lena Headey (as well as her queen counterpart, Natalie Dormer) acts out the scene beautifully. I’m sad to see my favorite character shackled and jailed, but I won’t deny that she deserves it.
Meereen
Dany and Daario share a sweet moment post-coitus and she’s all, “Don’t fret, D, you’re still my number one boo. This Hizdahr dude is just ’cause my dad’s making me.” And Daario gets jealous and for like 5 seconds I find him cute. But then I remembered I still don’t trust his sleazy, murderous ways, so my brain put to a stop to that nonsense real quick.
Speaking of Hizdahr, he decides to take Dany on an uber romantic first date, a local tournament fight to the death, under some guise that it’s tradition and Dany’s like, “God, I hate all of your traditions.” But hey! Jorah I’m-definitely-not-infected-with-greyscale Mormont finally gets to swing his sword around to remind Khaleesi what she’s passing up.
Jorah’s skilled in many areas, namely perfecting the scruffy look, but he is horrible at wooing a woman. Tyrion, at least, may be able to save his life with his charm and fearless ability to shout his well-known name. After nearly a season of traveling (because he refused to book through Littlefinger’s Travel Agency), Tyrion finally comes face to face with the Mother of Dragons. And everyone shouts with glee.
Like last year’s pilot of The Flash, CBS has found themselves as the latest victim of leaks as Supergirl was released on to the internet Friday morning. The leak was released in full 1080p at a file size of 6.38 GB with no watermarks. The Supergirl pilot was quickly converted by other torrent groups to smaller formats and as of this morning downloaded over 120,000 times.
With Supergirl out in the wild and being consumed by the masses, The Workprint has decided to release their first impressions of the pilot. Don’t worry; there aren’t any spoilers in this post. Well, not anything more than what you’d have already seen in the trailer.
Melissa Benoist as Kara Zor-El is adorable. (Greg Berlanti is a fan of Glee alum, no?)
I like that Supergirl skipped the stereotypical training montages and jumped right into the superhero business. In a 45-minute premiere, a lot happens to Kara, including donning the suit and landing the Supergirl title.
The sister dynamic seems to take precedent over all other relationships. Much like Xena (I love saying that), it appears as though many of the main characters (main villain included) will be female.
Supergirl is campy and the writing at times is cliché and redundant. It struggles in the more serious moments, especially when Kara talks about her parents. Nevertheless, it’s ultimately fun and light-hearted, a much-needed change from the darkness in movies and shows like Nolan’s Batman and Marvel’s Daredevil. (I never imagined the DC shows would be more cheery than Marvel’s TV endeavors.)
Supergirl isn’t motivated by revenge, but just by the need to be a good person. It’s kind of a “Ugly Betty Goes Hero” TV show, but it works well; definitely a kid-friendly addition to CBS’ lineup.
Several times Supergirl breaks the fourth wall, making mention of the world’s need for a female superhero so she can be a role model for young girls. Kara’s boss, talking about the introduction of Supergirl and defending the “girl” part of the name says, “So if you perceive Supergirl as anything less than excellent, isn’t the real problem…you?” Toyman (Jeremy Jordan) even has a moment when Kara removes her glasses and he’s laughably speechless at how gorgeous she is.
Kara’s male relationships could prove to be interesting. Her rapport with her (almost infatuated) coworker, Toyman could venture into a solid male/female friendship. However, I’m more interested in Kara’s relationship with James Olsen, since he has ties to Superman.
Speaking of Superman, he’s kind of treated like Voldemort in the show. He’s referred to as “him” and “the big guy”, rather than with his title. While it does add a bit of mystery to his character, it allows Supergirl to shine more with her “super” mantle.
The music, the colors, the wide smiles, and over-dramatic villains hark back to earlier days when superheroes weren’t meant to be taken so seriously. Supergirl is intended to be fun. Reading into it anymore than that takes away from the story. Unfortunately, this also means that much of Kara’s journey to being a superhero will be predictable.
With the escape of several alien prisoners on to Earth, Supergirl sets itself up as a more episodic show than serial, depicting Supergirl battling a new villain each week, but like all of the other superhero shows on television, Supergirl has her own arc to follow.
I’m really, really excited to watch more Supergirl. I know the show has issues; as mentioned, some of the writing and acting is cringe-worthy and won’t impress you with creativity, but ultimately, it’s an entertaining and upbeat hour of television. More importantly, this is only the pilot, setting up for the series as a whole, so naturally it’s going to follow some superhero tropes.
I’m looking for to seeing younger generations’ reactions to the show, especially young girls.
Here’s the Supergirl first look trailer, for those who haven’t watched yet. (What are you doing with yourselves?)
Let’s be frank about this right up front: Disney’s Tomorrowland is not for everyone. In fact, in a world dominated by cynicism and haters, the number of people that might actually find it appealing is quite small. And to be totally honest that makes me sad.
It makes me sad because on one hand it means that a large portion of moviegoers around the world are going to miss this genuinely wonderful film due some undeservedly sour word of mouth. But it also makes me sad because it proves the saddest part of the movie’s core message in that we as humanity are embracing negativity and blindly trudging along through the worst of circumstances without doing anything to change things for the better.
Does this sound a tad heavy for a PG-rated science fiction adventure starring George Clooney? Yeah, it probably is. But isn’t any good piece of science fiction a little heavier than it appears on the surface?
I totally understand the complaints that Tomorrowland‘s screenplay by director Brad Bird and Damon Lindelof) is a bit heavy-handed in its’ messaging, but at the same time this is a “Disney film” in the strongest possible meaning of that label and one should absolutely expect that to be the case. Classic Disney films have a history of preaching great moral lessons and ideals and this film fits into that tradition like a glove.
But what also makes Tomorrowland so reminiscent of the Disney films of old is the sense of wonderment lurking around every scene change. In telling the story of an idealistic young woman (Britt Robertson) learning the truth about a perfect city of the future existing in another dimension, Brad Bird delivers an adventure that had me grinning like a little boy at every twist and turn of this futuristic fable. My eyes widened in wonderment at the visions of the future unfolding in front of me through Claudio Miranda’s beautifully crisp cinematography and Michael Giacchino’s rousing score. Throw in some perfectly choreographed action scenes that deliver genuine thrills and you’ve got a movie that honestly made me feel like a kid again.
And yes, the adult in me could spot the preachiness of the plot and the somewhat puzzling depiction of the film’s “villain” (Hugh Laurie), but when all was said and done I just didn’t care. Tomorrowland took me on a thrilling, emotional journey for two hours and by the time it reached the stunningly beautiful final shot I couldn’t help but smile and wipe a perfectly earned tear from my eye.
I’ve avoided saying much about the plot of film because I truly believe that this is a movie best left discovered as the story unfolds in front of you instead of being given everything ahead of time as happens with most blockbusters nowadays. There’s something about the film’s sense of mystery and never quite knowing where it’s going to go next that adds to it’s excitement. But in the end this is a film very openly about the power of positive thinking and hope. And yeah, that might sound a little cheesy, but that’s the kind of film this is and it doesn’t apologize for it. Nor should it.
And if you can’t handle that please just leave it alone and spare my fellow optimists from the buzz kill of cynicism that is likely to surround this film until it finds the audience it deserves. Those of you with open minds and big hearts are in for a treat so don’t let the naysayers keep you away.
Now excuse me while I go listen to John Lennon’s “Imagine” while building a jetpack.
Well folks, another wonderful season of cheese-fest awesomeness has come and gone, as Dancing With the Stars wrapped up its 20th season and its 10th year this week. The entertainment and excitement all took place in a two-part finale, and featured the entire cast and special performances, all back one more time to get on that dance floor. I’m not going to spend too much time breaking down each detail of every single dance this week, because really, if you are a fan of the show, you know that what everybody ACTUALLY cares about is the Freestyle Dance. So, we will talk about that more than everything else. Besides, once again, Len needs to get to bed. His prune juice and favorite blankey are awaiting him for when the show is over. Let’s get started …
The Top 3 performed in two rounds to end out the shows routines before voting was closed. Round One was to re-dance their favorite dance from the season that they wanted to improve upon or get higher marks on. Round Two was, of course, the Freestyle Dance, where each pair choreography and dances literally whatever they want to. This dance is always the highlight of the season, and viewers love it almost as much as Bruno loves tight shirts. Here we go ….
Noah / Sharna: Round One was the Argentine Tango, which was great the first time around, but even better this time, as Noah seemed more confident. Len told the audience “Don’t moan if you don’t phone”. Anotherwords, don’t bitch if you aren’t calling up and voting for your favorite. Okay Len. Horny Carrie Ann groaned and made weird noises again , saying “Grrrr!!!! Arrrghhh!!!” I dont think she liked it. Then the pair went back to speak with Erin Andrews, whose yellow dress looked like something she stole off of a 1950’s living room curtain. Scores were eights all the way around.
Round Two was Freestyle, and Sharna’s idea was to tell Noah’s vulnerable story through dance, and to strip him down emotionally to the day he woke up on Christmas morning to discover he lost two limbs. Noah cried during rehearsal footage when describing what this dance means to him, and his emotion showed in the performance. The song was appropriately “Titanium”, and for the first time (I think), he danced with the prosthetic leg, which he hated and didn’t want to dance with in the past. But it worked to perfection for the choreography in this routine. By the end, I was crying more than Noah was. Julianne didn’t cry because she called it “a celebration. It was completely whole.”Bruno called it truthful and meaningful, and Carrie Ann told Noah that he shows us over and over again, what true art really is. Scores were perfect tens all the way around.
Riker / Allison: Their first dance was the Paso Doble where he was Jack Sparrow from “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Len gave them a standing ovation, and Bruno went mental with his standing up and yelling out excited remarks that nobody can comprehend. Len used the term “swashbuckling” in his review, which I don’t believe I’ve EVER heard anyone else say out loud, except him. Backstage, Riker continued talking like a pirate to Erin. Oh my goodness, dude. You’re not really a pirate. Relax. Calm the hell down. Scores were perfect tens.
Their freestyle dance was over the charts awesomeness. I’m not a huge Riker fan normally, but this dance was one of my favorites of the entire season, and perhaps even EVER. It was just so magnetic to watch, and it managed to take classic old-style music and dance, and marry it with modern and hip music and dance. Dressed in top hats and all white, the pair glided across the floor to “I Wont Dance”, but a really strange version that was built for modernizing. Julianne said “that had everything”, while Bruno called Riker “Fred Astaire, reinvented”. Len told them they managed to bring the past into the present. There’s a joke in there somewhere about Len BEING the past in the present, but I’m too lazy to construct it right now. They received perfect tens also.
Rumer / Val: Their first dance was to re-do their Foxtrot from week one of the show. Bruno told her “you came from Hollywood Royalty, well now you are dancing royalty.” Julianne called it flawless, and Daddy Bruce Willis was crying in the crowd, and Erin had to point it out to the world. “Hey your dad was sobbing in the audience, I don’t know if you saw. Lets take a look.” I’m sure Bruce was really happy about that one. They got perfect tens.
Freestyle dance for these two was incredible. In rehearsals, Val was upset because he felt like the freestyle is all about doing it up big, and he said that just isn’t him. He thought it felt dishonest. So he decided to strip Rumer down to the bare essentials – music, dance floor, bodies. No background dancers, no fancy tech stuff – just her and him and a beautifully complex and intricate dance. Man was it ever gorgeous. Rumer wanted to do something that was all her and Val’s, since he is always compared with his brother Maks, and she is always in the shadow of her famous parents. They certainly created this one all their own. Bruno said it had “bewitching intensity”, while Len called it pure and brave. Perfect tens again.
On night two of the Finale Shows, the votes from America were now in, and it was all about the entertainment. THe show took place both inside and outside , with multiple dances taking place outside the theater. On this episode, Erin’s dress looked a bit like Christmas wrapping paper. I kept searching for my scotch tape so I could put a bow around her and send her off somewhere to some happy home. Twitter voted Riker and Allison to do their freestyle dance again, so we got to see an encore of that. Then, for the most part, Erin was outside and Tom was inside, and Red Foo was everywhere for no reason. Last years champ Alfonso, who is also the new host of Americas Funniest Home videos after Bergeron leaves that gig, did a bit of dancing for us too. The rest of the cast returned, and we saw dances from Suzanne Somers, Patti LaBelle, Willow, and many, many more. Farmer Dull was back and did a Footloose number revival, and Derek and Julianne starred in a gorgeous dance piece set to a Sia song, and joined by two kids playing the younger versions of Derek and Julianne. Finally, the Top 3 did fusion dances, and then the 3rd place pair was announced (Noah and Sharna.) This left the top 2 as Riker or Rumer …….
And the Winner is ………..
RUMER AND VAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yayyy!!!!! So happy!!!!!
Val has never won the Mirror Ball before, and he was ecstatic. All three in the top were great, but I did think Rumer was the best dancer, and also had the most grace and beauty. I don’t know how they can top this next season, because this one was pretty darn good. Congratulations to everyone, and especially to my TV host crush Tom Bergeron, for another successful season in being witty and funny and awesome.
Once upon a time, we ran a feature called “Small Game Saturdays”, where we would do a quick take on a small downloadable title. Well that feature has been reborn as a shiny new video series called “Small Game Sample.” I mean… Why should Saturday’s have all the fun? (see* I need a less rigid schedule in order to pump these out)
In this episode, Rob is joined by fellow Knight of The Workprint Order Jen in taking a look at Shovel Knight on the Xbox One.
Hey there, kids! Here’s a riddle. How do you take one of the dumbest shows on television, and make it even more dumber-er??? Easy! The Bachelorette managed to do exactly that with this week’s premiere 2-part episodes. Normally, the shows premise, which is ridiculous enough on its own, is for one woman to be the Bachelorette, as she chooses from and whittles down from about 25 potential “husbands”, by voting off one each week, until she finally ends up with the man she wishes to marry.
In this season’s version, apparently that premise was no longer insane enough, so the show added another twist, which brings me back to the answer to my riddle. So how DO you take a dumb show and make it even dumber? Well, instead of having just ONE Bachelorette, you have TWO!!! Yup. This is the genius idea that came from this show’s creators – two Bachelorettes. Well, the two Bachelorettes thing only lasted one episode, thankfully, but it was still the dumbest idea ever and a trainwreck of epic proportions to watch. Britt Nilsson (dumbest spelling ever on both names) and Kaitlyn Bristowe (again – going with the most complicated way to spell that particular first name) both showed up for the premiere, both hoping to be this seasons Bachelorette. They would have to stand side by side, only feet apart from one another, as the 25 potential shirtless douchebags came out one by one, to greet them. This was awkward, to say the least. Some of the men tried greeting them both at the same time with gems such as “What up, ladies?”, while other men completely ignored one woman to go over to the other one. Some guys approached both ladies, but made it pretty obvious which one they were there to see.
Although my DVR for some reason did not record the first 20 minutes or so of the show, (my DVR is like “why you watchin’ this crap?”) here is a small preview of some of the “men” who showed up to be Kaitlyn or Britt’s husband. Brady has lots of melodies inside of him, yet he cannot find love. (sniff sniff) Joshua lives in Kuna, Idaho, and is a welder. His big joke to cameras was: “sparks are gonna fly!” Ian is a runner who was hit by a car and told he would never run again. Guess what? He runs again! Tony is a “Healer”, and I put that in quotes on purpose, because it’s bullcrap. He, like many of the other potential husbands on this show, has one of those jobs that just doesn’t sound real. There are always a handful of jobs on this show that are so made up sounding or just plain bizarre. Things like “Former Model” or former anything really. Or “Gun enthusiast.” Really? So you like guns a lot? How is that a job exactly? Or “Student.” This is a guy who probably sits home in his mom’s basement , maybe takes one online course, and then jacks off all day. Anyway, back to Tony. He is a weird-ass hippie type who kisses his plants goodbye when he leaves the house. That is all you need to know.
We met more of these men, as we watched them each get out of limos and approach the girls. JJ is a “Former Hockey Player (subtext = unemployed)” who took out a hockey puck for Kaitlyn and told her “I would love to puck you”. This cracked her up, as it was a reference to her own line last season to Farmer Dull of “you can plow my field any time.” At first impression, Ryan seemed very … well … gay … to me. Effeminate, I guess you would say. And then later, he seemed very, very drunk. Josh is a “Law Student / Exotic Dancer” – seriously – that is how his job title reads under his name on my TV screen. He came out of the limo and immediately started giving both girls a strip tease that was beyond awkward. When you have to take the woman’s hand and put it back on your own chest and instruct/demand that she touch you, that is the furthest thing from sexy. Tanner (what the hell kind of name is that?) brought a box of tissues for Britt, because she cried so much last season on the show. Kaitlyn joked to Britt: “Is that tissues or soap?” This was in reference to the fact that all the girls in the house last season said that Britt hardly ever took a shower and she smelled bad. Britt gave no response. In the middle of all the limo intros, Kaitlyn runs inside the house to tell the guys hello and let them know they are “killin’ it!” Britt thinks this is highly unfair of her to do that, and she stats whining a bit to camera.
Tony the “Healer” gets out of the limo and literally says the EXACT same thing to each of the women. “I believe in love, and I hope that the universe provides.” And some other crap too. Then walks over to the other girl. “HI. I’m Tony. I believe in love, and I hope that the universe provides.” What a toolbag. As the night goes on and more men get out of the limos, Ryan becomes increasingly more and more drunk, because there is ALWAYS a minimum of at least one severely drunk idiot on these shows.He is inside the house with the other guys who have arrived already, and he is shouting things like “I’m soooo horned up! I’m sorry for being so awesome! I wanna take both girls out!” Shawn with an E. initial pulls up in a “carpool”, which is a car completely filled with water, like a hot tub on wheels. Very clever. He gets out of the car and his suit is soaking wet. The girls find this clever and hilarious, but Drunk, Ambiguously Gay Ryan disagrees and starts shouting from the bushes: “You suck!! That car sucks! You suck!” Nothing like having a heckler when you arrive at the Bachelorette mansion. Oh, what does Shawn with an E. initial do for a job, you didn’t ask? Why, he is an “Amateur Sex Coach”, of course. What. the. F??? There is so much FUNNY in this, I don’t even know where to start. What the hell is an AMATEUR sex coach? If you’re going to hire a sex coach, wouldn’t you at least want an expert one? “Yeah, I need coaching on my love-making, but I want to hire someone who has no idea what he’s doing, and I want to pay them.” I hope he sticks around for a while, because there’s so much endless comedy in his existence on earth. Chris is a dentist and pulls up in a cupcake shaped car on wheels. He explains that normally he wouldn’t let his patients eat this sugary stuff, but because you girls are so sweet, he will make an exception.
After many, many more men greet the ladies, everyone finally goes inside for the cocktail party, where Britt and Kaitlyn finally get the chance to mingle with everyone and spend some one-on-one time with different men, to see who they connect with. The men are also seeing who THEY connect with, since at the end of the party, they have to go into the voting room, take a rose, and place it inside the “box” of the woman they are choosing to be the new Bachelorette. The men start pulling the women aside right away, taking their turn to get some private time with the woman they prefer as the Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Kind-of-Gay-but-Definitely-Drunk-Ryan is going to town on some sort of whiskey concoction with ice, and continuing to get hammered. “Is this the gay Bachelorette?” he says to nobody. He mentions about 7 more times that he is horny, or “horned up”, then he refers to the two girls as “ho’s”. He caps it all off by pulling Kaitlyn aside and taking a nice big grab of her ass. She is not happy, and the men are talking about whether or not Ryan is here for the “RIGHT REASONS”, which is the most used phrase of all time on this show. Well, other than “amazing.” Everything is amazing on this show, if you are here for the “right reasons.” Ryan then removes his shirt and pants, and struts around in a g-string. Another guy approaches him to tell him his behavior is not okay. His response to this is: “Why am I not raping you right now?” Seriously. That’s what he said. The guy (I can’t recall which guy it was – they all look the same to me) says: “Why are you talking about raping?” Then Ryan jumps in the pool and talks to himself in the pool while drinking more. A few minutes later, the Ryan sauga ends with security coming over and asking Ryan to please come with them. “Chris Harrison wants to see you”, the man says. Uh-oh!!! That’s never good. Harrison is waiting for Ryan outside, and he says to him in a voice that sounds like he is a mob-boss: “I think its best if you go home now.” Ryan stares blankly, then manages to spew out something like: “Oh. Okay. Sorry about that.” He gets in the sad limo and that is the end of that.
Now it is finally time to reveal who the next Bachelorette will be. Chris Harrison goes into the secret voting booth room and opens up each of the treasure chest boxes as if they are Grant’s Tomb – he is so dramatic. He begins counting, and then he goes to each girl seperately to share the news. They are seated far away from one another and can’t hear what is being said. First he goes to Britt. He sounds like he is punishing her the way he is speaking – his tone is very fatherly and serious. “Britt, the votes are in, and it was close, but I’m sorry to tell you, that unfortunately, you will not be the bachelorette.” Britt says nothing for a minute, then starts talking on and on about how shocked she is, and then says “I’m sorry, I’m just still processing … I really wanted this … I’m sorry … wow”. Chris practically shoves her off the show by saying suddenly: “Can I walk you out?”, and he puts her into the sad limo without another word. Once she is in there, her massive crying begins. And keeps going, and going, and going ………..
Chris then tells Kaitlyn she IS the Bachelorette, and she almost can’t contain her happiness and excitement. She is thrilled, and tells him “Hands down, best moment of my life.” Well, that’s a bit sad. He then tells her that she still needs to go back in there and tell the guys, and that she also needs to do the rose ceremony tonight, and send guys home. She is stunned that she still has to send people home so soon after being chosen, but Chris reminds her in a very serious tone: “You are the Bachelorette. That’s your job.” He says it in a tone that would suggest that being the Bachelorette is an actual, serious responsibility and career choice of some kind. It is hilarious how serious he is.
Kaitlyn takes some more one on one time with some different men. Meanwhile, Healer Tony sits in the corner, forlorn and confused, as he felt a connection with Britt, and his healing powered hands told him to vote for Britt. Guess you suck at your healing job, dude. Sorry about that. Brady is also feeling confused, as he liked Britt a lot, and isn’t sure whether to go or stay. Chris the dentist gets the first make-out session with Kaitlyn, then minutes later, Shawn with the E. initial also gets make-out time, and the first impression rose.
Finally, it is time for the first Rose Ceremony of the new season. In the middle, Brady asks Kaitlyn if he can talk to her privately, and the men all wonder what the hell is going on. He tells her that he felt a strong connection to Britt, and that he is going to leave and go try to find her. She thanks him for being honest, and he asks Daddy Harrison if he can track down Britt for him. Harrison is all over it, and they send him in the limo to her nearby hotel, where she , of course, is sitting on her bed sobbing. To Be Continued …….
Meanwhile, at Testosterone Mansion, Kaitlyn is giving out roses. Some of the people she gives roses to, such as Jonathan and a couple of others, voted for Britt and not Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison finally comes over with his all-important line of dialogue: “Men -Kaitlyn. Final rose tonight. When you’re ready…….”
Four people go home, although I have not a clue who they are or what their names are, because the show spent ZERO time on them after their cut. They didn’t show them talking into the camera or getting into the sad limo or anything at all – so I guess it’s “Bye, losers! Sucks to be you!” At least Ryan won’t be waiting at the nearby hotel, asking them why he isn’t raping them right now. That guy is pretty horned up.
NEXT WEEK: Britt cries. Kaitlyn kisses lots more men and gets kinda whor-ish. Chris Harrison tells Kaitlyn “final rose tonight.” Many men appear shirtless for no reason. Tony continues not to heal anyone.
Showtime has announced that Tate Donovan will be guesting starring in the third season of Masters of Sex.
Donovan will guest star in two episodes as Graham, “a confident scientist whose relationship with Margaret Scully (Allison Janney) brings them to Masters and Johnson’s clinic.”
Season three of the series is set in 1966 when the famed duo Masters and Johnson are dealing with the glare of the national spotlight as their sex study is finally unveiled. Masters and Johnson’s work will have a profound impact on contemporary relationships, especially their own evolving three-way “marriage” with Masters’ wife Libby (Caitlin FitzGerald).
Masters of Sex returns on July 12 at 10 p.m. ET/PT
We had a good night last night at Payback…will it roll into a good show on Monday night?
Let’s go…
We are LIVE(!!!) from Richmond, Virginia for Monday Night RAW!!!
Cole, Booker, and JBL are the guys at the desk.
Triple H and Steph start us off. Steph’s rocking a red dress from my Mom’s closet while Triple H is in a Michael Mann movie.
Steph talks up Seth Rollins beating up three guys while Triple H says that he told everyone that Rollins would win — and that he’s the future of WWE. Steph says that the three guys who failed at Payback can now go to the back of the line.
Triple H gives us a surprise: the same Intercontinental Title which, for some reason, requires a full on unveiling, complete with drumroll and velvet podium. They talk about how Daniel Bryan’s body couldn’t hold up but that the show must go on…and, now, we will see a new champ crowned at Elimination Chamber. This gets a small music video of the Elimination Chamber lowering. Steph continues to talk.
Sheamus interrupts the segment to a semi-pop and rambles for the first minute, then claims that he ended Daniel Bryan’s career. We get a glimpse of Sheamus legit-injuring Daniel Bryan by botching a move which, on top of Steph’s bragging, is just so classy. He wants a shot at the IC Title because of it.
That brings out Ryback. He comes out and calls Sheamus “stupid”, which seems to take more energy from him than hitting the Meathook Clothesline. Steph interrupts and Ryback tells her to shut up and says that Daniel Bryan got injured doing what he loved. He doesn’t like bullies, which is ironic. He wants Sheamus.
So Triple H makes the match happen…and it’s next.
MATCH #1: Sheamus vs. Ryback The two trade shots and Ryback chases Sheamus around the ring. Press by Ryback, then he he puts Sheamus in the corner. Irish Whip sees Sheamus hitting a kneelift but Ryback comes back, ramming Sheamus’s head into the top buckle. Ryback hits a nice powerslam in stride for a two count. Ryback stomps at Sheamus who gets to the ropes. The ref pulls Ryback off and Sheamus grabs him, hitting a backbreaker. Ryback rolls out of the ring, favoring his taped up ribs. He tries to get back on the ring but Sheamus runs at him, knocking him off the mat. After a break, both men are down. They get up and trade punches but Sheamus hits a shoulder to the ribs and hits six of the Ten Beats before Ryback drags him in the ring. Sheamus tries a Brogue but Ryback counters with a nice powerbomb. Sheamus gets to the corner. Ryback runs at him but Sheamus kicks him. He rushes Ryback who counters with a Spinebuster. Two count. Ryback sets up for the Meathook but Sheamus escapes the ring. Ryback goes after him, picks him up and press slams Sheamus into the announce table. The two fight to the other side of the ring. Ryback rams Sheamus’s head into the ringpost, then gets back in the ring. Back in the ring, Ryback tries Shell Shock but Sheamus punches him in the ribs, then feigns an eye injury. The ref shoves Ryback away from Sheamus — and Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick to end it at 10:00. WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: **3/4. Not a bad match to start.
AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: Sheamus and Ryback are in the EC match anyhow, so…
TONIGHT: Seth Rollins will be praised for retaining the title at Payback.
Triple H and Steph are backstage, talking about the party. Steph says the man who can add the final touches is Kane. Kane shows up and says that he thinks Seth has really grown up. Seth shows up with glasses of champagne. He praises Kane for his help and says that he’s the reason Kane still has a job. Dean Ambrose appears with a huge, goofy grin and says that Rollins only won because four other guys helped him. He says that he beat Rollins the last time they went 1 on 1. He says that Rollins never beat him last night. He says that he will grant Seth a “re-match” at Elimination Chamber — as long as Seth puts the title on the line. Triple H leaves and lets Kane handle things. Kane tells Seth to decide. Seth says Ambrose isn’t in line for the title and leaves, laughing. Ambrose calls Kane a “glorified butler” and tells him that The Undertaker and Paul Bearer would be very unhappy with him if they saw him now. Kane’s so pissed, he books Ambrose in a match with Bray Wyatt. Ambrose happily accepts — then takes Kane’s champagne and drinks it, telling him, “You shouldn’t drink on the clock.”
A good segment made great due almost completely to Ambrose who just does not give one fuck. Loved it.
We get an ad for Elimination Chamber.
Renee Young brings out…Neville?! Whoa. Ok. He says that he’s competed worldwide, but it’s nothing compared to WWE. Bo Dallas interrupts the segment and says that there’s nothing like a great children’s story. Neville’s story would be “The Little Engine That Couldn’t”. He says that Neville think’s he’s going up — but that would be a lie. Neville says that he BO-LIEVES that Bo Dallas was the one that lost to him to start his career. Bo Dallas attacks but Neville dispatches him from the ring.
Wade Barrett shows up and this is a match with Bo Dallas on commentary.
MATCH #2: Neville vs. King Barrett Neville and Barrett circle before Neville rolls him up for two. Barrett works him over in the corner and starts attacking Neville’s injured knee from last night. He stomps at Neville and gets a one count. Barrett gets out of the ring, smashes Neville’s leg into the mat, then grins. After a break, Wade’s still working on Barrett’s knee with elbows, kneedrops and leglocks. Neville finally gets out and retreats to a corner. Barrett tries to hit a big boot but Neville moves and Barrett hits the buckle. Neville kicks at Barrett and tries a German Suplex but his knee buckles. Wade rushes him and it’s an Enzuguri by Neville. Neville tries a Springboard maneuver but just falls off the top rope from the pain. Barrett hits the Bullhammer to win at 7:05. WINNER: Barrett via Bullhammer
RATING: *1/2, at most. Kinda sad that Neville’s going from a decent mid-carder like Barrett to the bottom of the barrel with Bo Dallas, but I look forward to seeing what both guys can do in a feud.
Post-match, Dallas gets in the ring and attacks Neville, working over his knee and wrapping it around the ringpost.
We review what happened between Cena and Rusev at Payback.
TONIGHT: Cena’s Open Challenge.
ALSO: Rusev will react to last night.
Rusev is out to speak as Cole argues about how “translators from out there” say that Rusev quit. Rusev says that there is no Lana. (DANIELLE: ONLY ZUUL!) The crowd chants for Lana as Rusev says he never quit. He tells the crowd to shut up. He says he beat Cena badly. Cena passed out and Lana quit. He says he wants the match to restart and tells The Authority to get out here. Lana shows up and walks to the ring. Rusev’s furious. Lana says that Rusev isn’t who he seems to be. She says that Rusev is “misunderstood” and that she believes in him. She says that she thought Rusev would make Cena say he quits — but he couldn’t do it. That’s life. She says loses her accent twice, but finds it on the floor and adopts it like a puppy. She says that Rusev just screams all the time. Last night, he screamed “I QUIT” over and over. He tells Lana that he doesn’t need anyone. Only he matters. He tells Lana to leave. She does. Rusev stands in the ring, scowling.
(Incredible segment that brings a human element to an unstoppable monster and the woman behind him. I really enjoyed this.)
We go over last night’s Fatal 4-Way.
TONIGHT: The Tag Team Championship Rematch. Xavier Woods is banned from ringside.
MATCH #3: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt Wyatt hits a slam after a lock-up but misses the Reverse Senton. Ambrose hits an elbow and kicks Wyatt in the stomach. He locks Wyatt’s left arm and puts the right arm in an armbar. Hold is broken and Wyatt slaps the taste out of Ambrose’s mouth. Ambrose tries to hit a cross body but just bounces off of Wyatt’s chest. Wyatt runs and kicks him. He tosses Ambrose in the corner and hits a big clothesline but Ambrose comes back, hitting a running forearm. Bray bails from the ring. Ambrose tries a Flying Psycho, but Bray hits him coming out, then just DDT’s him out of the ring. After a break, Wyatt’s in control because he flew at Ambrose real fast. Wyatt kicks Ambrose in the head, then just tosses Ambrose across the ring and out. Bray goes for a clothesline but Ambrose nails him too. They both get back in the ring at nine as Ambrose gets to his feet, looking pissed. The two trade shots as the crowd chants for tables. Ambrose hits a flying cross body off an Irish Whip, then hits the Running Bulldog. Bray rolls outside, so Ambrose locks his arms on the top rope and hits a missile dropkick and flying legdrop. Ambrose pins for two. A series of counters and Wyatt flies at Ambrose, missing. He goes outside and Ambrose hits the Flying Lunatic. Back in the ring, the two men trade finisher attempts but both fail. Wyatt shoves Ambrose who goes for the Rebound Clothesline but Wyatt hits the clothesline instead. Wyatt hangs upside down and sets up for Sister Abigail. Ambrose just slaps him. Wyatt punches him and Ambrose hits the Rebound Clothesline for two. Ambrose puts Bray on the top buckle and goes for a Superplex but Bray breaks it and goes for the Reverse Senton. He misses. Ambrose climbs the buckle…but J&J show up, distract Ambrose and Bray hits Sister Abigail for the win at 13:27. WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING: ***1/2 for this. Finish is a touch annoying but Ambrose isn’t really done any harm for it. This is the match of the night so far.
Backstage, Triple H and Steph smile as Bray does The Raven.
TONIGHT: Nikki Bella defends the Divas Championship against Naomi.
NEXT: The New Day defends the titles.
Kofi and E come out to the ring and Kofi stops the music. He says that Woods being banned from ringside is a conspiracy. E says that it isn’t fair that they have to defend their titles against five other teams at Elimination Chamber. They try the NEW DAY ROCKS chant but we know how that ends.
MATCH #4: Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (challengers) (w/ Natalya) vs. The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E) (champions) for the WWE Tag Team Championship E press slams Cesaro and chokes him against the ropes. Cesaro breaks and clotheslines Kofi off the mat, then hits a nice Delayed Suplex on E, tagging Tyson Kidd. Kidd hits a nice Frankensteiner on E outside the ring. After a break, E has Cesaro in an Abdominal Stretch. Cesaro breaks and E grabs him, hitting a belly to belly suplex. He goes for the Warrior Splash but Cesaro jumps up and hits a powerslam. Tag to Kidd who hits a Springboard Legdrop on E. Two count. Kofi gets the tag and Kidd is all over him with a kick and a clothesline. He goes for the Sharpshooter, locking it in but E runs in to save the match. Cesaro gets in the ring to help out Kidd but E dumps him. Kofi and E stomp a mudhole in Kidd without a care until they get DQ’ed at 5:51. WINNERS: Cesaro & Tyson Kidd via DQ
STILL CHAMPS: The New Day
RATING: DUD. This never got started and had a shit ending.
Post-match, Xavier Woods comes down to beat on Cesaro. Lucha Dragons, Los Matadores, The Ascension and Prime Time Players all show up to join the party as this turns into a teaser for the EC Tag Match.
LATER: Seth Rollins’ party.
THIS THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Roman Reigns returns…from wrestling YESTERDAY. Really?
John Cena joins us to pander to ‘Murica with patriotic fervor and passion and pointing to soldiers and what not. The Champ is Here…so come get some. And it is…
KEVIN OWENS OF NXT.
Holy crap. Owens makes his way to the ring and has a mic with him. He congratulates Cena on last night’s victory. He introduces himself — but Cena has to do it instead because reasons. He says that Sami Zayn was injured before he came in to face Cena last Monday — and he’s here to finish the job that Sami started. Cena berates him and plays to the crowd, telling everyone how important they are. Cena wants to give him some advice — but Owens isn’t having it because he’s been wrestling longer than Cena and only got his break just now. Cena says it’s time to warn Owens instead: Owens is a scared kid. Cena tells Owens that he should come get the title. Owens declines as he says he’s already NXT Champion — but that they will fight someday and it will be on Owens’ terms. Owens grabs him and hits the Pump-Up Powerbomb, then stands tall, stepping on the United States Championship and doing “U CAN’T SEE ME” in Cena’s face as he lays in the middle of the ring.
(NICE SEGMENT. Owens is already over as hell here. This feud needs to happen ASAP.)
LAST MONDAY ON RAW: Daniel Bryan has vacated the IC Title.
AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: Rusev, Barrett and R-Truth join the IC Title match.
MATCH #5: Dolph Ziggler vs. Stardust Ziggler has a bad stitched-up gash near his right eye as Stardust makes it a point to target that area. He gouges Ziggler, then kicks him when he’s down. Star goes for Cross Rhodes but Ziggler counters with a Zigg Zagg for the win at 1:27. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING: n/a – squash.
Cole leaps right into the ring to interview Ziggler. Ziggler says that losing to Sheamus hurt worse than being cut open last night…but that it’s hockey playoff time and chicks dig stars. Cole and his new hair dye job announce that Ziggler’s the final participant in the Intercontinental Title Match at EC. Ziggler’s stoked…but here comes Lana.
Lana grins at Ziggler and Ziggler waits for her to talk. Instead, she kisses Ziggler and then smiles. Crowd loves this as Ziggler tries everything to he can to just hit that in the middle of the ring. The crowd wants another kiss. Lana obliges. Ziggler waits for the Rusev run-in and finally gets it. Booker: “Somebody’s gonna DIE.” Ziggler tries to fight him off but Rusev just pounds him into the mat. He turns and faces Lana, screaming at her. Lana just slaps him in the face. Rusev is furious and goes to lunge at Lana but Ziggler gets up and hits the Zigg Zagg. (DANIELLE: So, the end game is Lana in a five-man pre-match gangbang at EC?) Ziggler and Lana leave as Rusev gets up and yells.
Kane is yelling at the set-up crew for Seth Rollins’ party…and is immediately outdone by a spot where Adam Rose is making out with Rosa Mendes against a crate.
MATCH #6: Fandango & Zack Ryder vs. Erick Rowan & Luke Harper Harper starts with Fandango who gets knee’ed in the gut and sells it a year later. Harper hits a shoulder tackle but Fandango comes back with a dropkick. Harper goes outside. Fandango chases only to eat the crowd barrier, courtesy of Harper. Back inside, it’s a tag to Rowan who hits a big Body Splash and a knee drop. Harper gets back in and hits an uppercut and Gator Roll as the crowd chants for Zack Ryder. Fandango elbows out of Harper’s grip and hits a Tornado DDT off the buckles. Fandango hits a one count and tags in Ryder. Ryder hits forearms and knees Harper in the face off a counter. Big dropkick off the top buckle but Harper just hits a Spinning Sidewalk Slam. Harper hits the Superkick and Rowan hits a Chokeslam to finish it at 3:45. WINNERS: Harper & Rowan
RATING: n/a – squash
Steph bumps into the Bellas in the hallway. She apologizes to Brie for saying what she said earlier about Daniel Bryan. She says Brie needs to really vent about how she feels about the situation — so it’s probably a good idea if Brie stays backstage during the Divas match. Nikki protests with all the fury of a wounded sloth and we’re all supposed to pretend that Nikki and Steph never had an alliance months ago that vanished into thin air.
The Divas Match is your main event, folks.
MATCH #7: Nikki Bella (champion) vs. Naomi (challenger) (w/ Tamina) for the WWE Divas Championship Naomi leaps into the ring and then chickens out, going outside the ropes. Nikki’s pissed and pulls her back into the ring. Naomi comes back with a knee to the head. Nikki answers with a slap to her face and then clotheslines her out of the ring. Nikki dives at both women. We come back from a break. Naomi’s in control and Tamina’s hurt with a trainer looking at her right arm. Nikki fights out of a hold and bashes Naomi’s face with a knee. Nikki gets to her feet and kicks Naomi in the chest. Nikki hits clotheslines and a dropkick, then a back body drop. He puts Naomi to the mat with a press and gets a two count. She goes for the Rack Attack but Tamina shows up and Superkicks Nikki in the chin for the DQ finish at 6:28. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Nikki Bella via DQ
RATING: DUD. Look…RAW was advertising “three titles on the line” tonight. We got two — and the Kevin Owens reveal in place of the title shot was a hell of a lot better than the Tag Title or Divas Championship matches combined. We could have easily dumped Ziggler and Stardust for more time in the tag team match…otherwise, this has been a good show.
Post-match, it’s a mudhole stomp…until Paige shows up to chase them off. Nikki gets to her feet and Paige grabs her, hitting the Ram-Paige, standing tall with the Divas Championship.
Kevin Owens is backstage. Triple H congratulates him. Renee Young stops him. He says that he’s gonna face John Cena at Elimination Chamber.
When we come back, Steph, Triple H and Kane are in the ring. Steph talks up Rollins and invites him to the ring. J&J follow. Triple H just verbally fellates Rollins for the next two minutes and announces him as their champion, Seth Rollins. Triple H says members of The Authority want to TALK about Seth now.
Kane says that he’s taller than Rollins and that’s why they “don’t see eye to eye”. He says he’s being serious when he says that he’s glad that Rollins is still champion. Rollins wants more. So Kane thanks him for saving his job. Also, he put together a Seth Rollins highlight video with the help of the video crew.
After that, Jamie Noble begins kissing ass. He forks the mic over to Joey Mercury and Ambrose FINALLY interrupts this train wreck of a segment. He gets into the ring as Cole loses his collective shit. Steph wants an explanation.
Ambrose says that he was looking for the perfect Justin Bieber album for Seth. Crowd chants for Justin Bieber which has to be the only time in history that’s happened. Ambrose says he came back empty-handed. Instead, he wants a re-match. Seth isn’t having it and says that Ambrose isn’t getting another shot at the title and that he needs to get back in line.
Ambrose says he’s a “line jumper”. He wants a title shot…or else. Steph says Ambrose is crazy…but Seth never backs down…so, Seth: GET HIM. Rollins goes after Ambrose and J&J follow. Ambrose fights Security off and the fight spills outside. Ambrose dumps Rollins onto the announce table, then reveals cinder blocks. He grabs a chair, steps on Rollins’ head and tells The Authority to grant him the match. Steph agrees if Ambrose lets Rollins go. Ambrose goes fro the chair shot anyhow but J&J grab the chair. Ambrose beats the snot out of them. Kane comes over to help. Ambrose takes them all out, then chases Rollins into the ring. Rollins escapes but J&J face his wrath, as does Kane with a Rebound Clothesline. Rollins jumps Ambrose and hits a Pedigree, then yells that he’s the man.
We go off the air.
OVERALL: ***1/4. Solid show tonight despite two awful championship matches and two incredibly overlong Authority segments. WWE feels like it’s finally finding its way again.
And, of course…the best of the Internet water cooler:
FX has announced that the second season of The Strain will return on July 12.
From Guillermo del Toro and Carlton Cuse, based off of the best-selling The Strain Trilogy by del Toro and Chuck Hogan, the second season finds “New York City rapidly falling to an evil epidemic, and no one is coming to its rescue. Its citizens must fight or die. Dr. Ephraim Goodweather (Corey Stoll) and his unlikely allies tried to take down the embodiment of this evil — the Master — and failed. Now Eph and Dr. Nora Martinez (Mia Maestro) concentrate on creating a biological weapon to wipe out the creatures, while Abraham Setrakian (David Bradley) searches for an ancient book he hopes will reveal the strigoi’s entire history…and possibly a way to kill them. Meanwhile, the Master is out for revenge, unleashing new and even more terrifying breeds of bloodthirsty creatures after our team. [The] team must find a way to defeat him before the infection spreads too far and becomes irreparable … before they become monsters themselves.”
