Agents of SHIELD picks up where we left off last week: San Francisco, where Fitz was apparently calling from when he “hologrammed” Hunter and Coulson. Fitz is looking pretty damn suave in a suit and glasses, even when he has to make a run for it because, well…aren’t these guys always being chased? He manages to make it to the roof where he finds helicarrier – which is fitted with retro-reflective panels (someone at least took Harley’s advice) – and shares the contents of the toolbox with his friends.
It’s been awhile since Fitz was in the field, and his nerves show, but he’s doing a pretty damn good job of being competent. And it’s so nice to see him finally doing something out of the lab. Coulson fills him in about how they need to find Skye, but they don’t have too much to go off of. The only thing they know is that the person who took her is the same person who took Raina and Cal. There are some other leads, though – Hydra’s new heads, Dr. List and Baron von Strucker (remember those names, particularly Strucker. This will be super important going forward and also in the upcoming Avengers: Age of Ultron.) They’re obsessed with powered people, which means they’re most likely looking for Skye as well. And the only way to get to Hydra? Everyone’s favorite “best boyfriend ever”: Grant Ward.
If you remember, powered person Ethan had left the afterlife to go on a trip. And according to Jiaying and Gordon, he’s now disappeared. Apparently, this is where he ended up – as a cadeavar on Dr. List’s table, after being experimented on, as List looked for signs of what he called “quantum signature.” Hail Hydra, indeed.
In family drama news, Jiaying and Cal are actually happy. Cal’s happy, because the dinner went well, and everything seems like it’s going in the right direction again. Jiaying is happy, because she’s got her daughter back. Cal’s such an interesting figure to me – he really wants a family, and I don’t doubt he has good intentions. But he definitely has his dark sides, the kind of mood swings that make people wary of having him in their life, and Kyle MacLachlan just walks that line masterfully. You don’t doubt his love for Skye, but you also are, well, scared of him, like the bipolar parental figure that you don’t know if you can trust.
The real problem with Cal is that although he’s in afterlife, he doesn’t belong here. He’s not a prisoner, but he’s also not a powered person. Jiaying has plans to send him away under the guise of pretending to send him somewhere else, but Skye isn’t too keen on this idea. After all, she gets what Cal feels. And she’s been abandoned most of her life after people promised her a home and happiness. She would have done anything to find her mom, and she would have been heartbroken if her search for Jiaying ended up this way. She also knows enough about Cal to recognize that if Jiaying does send him away without warning, and without at least letting him say goodbye properly, he’ll be an issue.
But Jiaying isn’t too concerned about how Cal will or won’t react. Her response? “Sometimes as a leader, I have to do things I’d rather not do.” Now, who does that sound like? Skye tells her mother that “I’m a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent,” because she does care about the well-being of those in her life. So Skye decides she’ll soften the blow for Cal and accompany him home and break the news to him gently. Where is home? Milwaukee. This could not make Cal happier. A father-daughter date? “BEST. DAY. EVER.”
I mean, it really kind of is the best day ever. Cal thinks of it as more of a happy date than it is, although date is really the wrong word, and it’s a little awkward once Skye realizes he’s far more into this than she’s realized – showing her around his old haunts, wanting to get pastries so things can be perfect, talking about what he would’ve loved to do with Skye if her childhood was, well…normal.
Back at base, Bobbi and Mack are having a discussion while sparring. This is what I imagine heaven to be. And I’m sure things are happening in this conversation, including a rather weighted talk about Simmons, and Bobbi being bothered at how she’s treating everyone with their current situation, but all I can focus on is the sparring. Sorry. At any rate, when Simmons finds out that they’re bringing in a special tool to break the vibranium, she comes clean about duplicating the box to May…who is not exactly thrilled that she sent the most valuable piece of their property off to the unknown. While Simmons tries to defend herself, May tries to explain “it’s not about sides – it’s about the truth,” because, well, she’s still a little stung by all of Coulson’s lies. Simmons is mandated to tap into the feed so that they can find everyone, and Skye makes things easy when she calls from a phone that she managed to pick-pocket, telling them that they need to come get her. Bobbi and Mack offer to go and take one for the team.
Coulson finds Kara (formerly Agent 33) and Ward in Tijuana, where he interrupts Ward’s apparent pineapple gift moment. Coulson offers Ward a deal: he’s after Strucker and List, and even though he’s not technically Hydra anymore, Coulson wants his old agent to use his contacts. Ward isn’t exactly big on the trust factor, and for good reason. (I’ll give it to the guy, he hasn’t exactly had the best relationship with S.H.I.E.L.D. or Coulson.) Coulson’s offer is pretty simple: if Ward helps, S.H.I.E.L.D. stays off his back, and he gets the Tahiti protocol. Ward’s not really too keen on having his mind wiped, despite how much Coulson tries to sell him on it, though he does end up relenting (though we know it can’t be as easy as Ward just deciding he’ll go along with this deal.) But look, Ward’s trying really hard with Kara. They even had a house!
Fitz isn’t exactly thrilled that he has to work so closely with the man who tried to kill him, and is clearly exhibiting signs of PTSD. It’s actually refreshing, in a way – Fitz’s worries don’t keep him from being competent in the field, but they do shake him enough that it’s believable. Bakshi manages to arrange a meeting with Dr. List, bringing in Deathlok so he can be the stealth eye of the situation. It’s a decently smooth meeting – he says Peterson helped him escape his capture by the U.S. government, and Bakshi tries to trade Peterson for a list of powered people. Fitz and Hunter immediately become defensive, believing Bakshi is going to sell them out, and in a scene not unlike what was teased in the Art of Evolution series, the group turns on each other as they try to figure out who to trust. Their stand-off is broken up by the fact that Fitz realizes Deathlok has been controlled to kill people, and Coulson manages to get everyone to lower their weapons in time to stop him. Coulson also manages to find out through Bakshi that Strucker and List are tracking the way people teleport, like Gordon – and that’s the technology they’re after.
Things are about to get complicated in Skye’s world, meanwhile. Lincoln, not being completely trusting of Skye’s motivations, has followed the father-daughter duo to Cal’s old office. This is where things start to completely unravel. Skye tries to talk to Cal but slips in a way that makes him realize she’d planned on abandoning him. As he goes into one of his insane episodes, Lincoln makes himself known, and gets attacked. And then all hell really does break loose, although it’s not S.H.I.E.L.D. coming in…it’s Hydra.
Cal, to his credit, shoves Skye off to protect her while Coulson tries to get Ward to keep his teammates busy. Lincoln and Deathlok end up scuffling together while Kara actually gets Hunter’s back by shooting someone, and the whole scene is pretty spectacular in every respect. Meanwhile, Skye manages to see both Ward and Coulson – but before she can even comprehend that, Gordon takes Skye away. And just like that, all three men in Skye’s life have lost her in some way.
And where do we end with Bobbi and Mack? That’s to be determined next week. But Coulson’s all ready to tell him what happened, if they go back to the base.
“Take me to your leader.”
Odds & Ends:
I want that technhology Deathlok has to scan people for weapons and the like. New airport scanner, maybe?
It was nice to get some additional backstory on Skye’s parents, such as how they met (Doctors without Borders.)
“My name is Kara.” Excellent work, show.
“Who the hell is that guy?” This seems to be the norm for S.H.I.E.L.D. people finding themselves in the presence of random strays that get picked up in people’s situations. (See: Maria Hill.)
If there’s one thing I learned from Sunday’s episode of Silicon Valley, it’s to be careful where I drop my nuts. While resting them on an expensive varietal of wood taken from the Amazon, might seem like a good idea at the time; I discovered that tactical – and entirely thought out – negotiation strategy could come back to bite me in and around said region. The boys at Pied Piper are having a karmic experience.
After flying high and driving up funding offers with brash tactics in the previous episode, Gavin Belson’s lawsuit has investors spooked. This includes Raviga, as Laurie pulls their funding, viewing the lawsuit’s existence in a purely analytical manner. Suzanne Cryer continues to find a way for Laurie to be her own brand of antisocial, without mimicking Welch’s Peter Gregory. (Yes, I still think about Christopher Evan Welch’s amazing and nuanced performance, and no, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop talking about how original it was, but I’ll stop mentioning it in every review – maybe.) But I digress, Laurie continues to show her antisocial nature as a more direct but even more detached version than her predecessor. While Peter tried to engage with people, his personality barred this interaction. Laurie, on the other hand, gives advice on the appropriate way to effectively deliver bad news, while doing the opposite; thereby showing an understanding, but an unwillingness to ascribe to traditional mannerisms.
While I adore the constant adversarial relationship between Gilfoyle and Dinesh as it makes for an entertaining B-story, and Erlich by virtue of volume and bravado is the most apparent form of comedy, the character with the best lines, and my favorite hands down, is Jared (aka Donald). He’s the character no one listens to; but I often find those unheard quips that hang onto the main conversation are the funniest. Case in point, when Monica shows up to their house wearing Laurie’s suggested beige outfit from last Tuesday. Erlich calls her out on the tactic, and Miller’s delivery of how great she looks is funny enough, but Jared’s additional comment of her being a “true autumn” is weird while being well-intentioned; it epitomizes his character – as does his later round-about way of saying, “bros before hoes.”
In desperate need of funding Erlich and Richard return to their second choice. That company also renegs on their offer, having heard about the lawsuit and Raviga’s withdrawl. Word spreads about the lawsuit and the rescinded offers, as they return to the other VC offices. This time they receive treatment similar to what Erlich doled out days prior.
A result of these dire circumstances, is that the TechCrunch winnings will no longer be split among the group. This leaves Dinesh scrambling to get back the five thousand dollars he donated to his cousin’s Kickstarter campaign, for an app that let’s you send the word “Bro” (but only to anyone else that has the app). If any of you’re unfamiliar with the Kickstarter model, go check it out – hell, if you donate maybe you’ll get a button. Probably not, but maybe. Essentially the model is that if the goal isn’t met, none of the donors have to fork over the cash. So Dinesh meets his cousin, Wajeed, to dissuade him from continuing the campaign and does a terrible job. In fact, their discussion fuels Wajeed to throw a big party in attempt to reach his goal.
Back at the house, as Richard and Erlich recover from striking out on all their other potential sources of funding, Jared comes to them with a potential solution. While using Wajeed’s app, he found a fellow “Bro” who happens to work at Branscom Ventures and wants to meet with the entire company. During the presentation, as Richard delves into the programming of Pied Piper, Erlich and Jared realize the true nature of the in-depth visit. They’re trying to steal their tech, not make a deal. Richard, Gilfoyle, and Dinesh, continue divulging aspects of the code, unaware of the firm’s dubious motives, until Erlich and Jared comedically storm out of the board-room, whiteboard and all.
That night, Dinesh works the room at his cousin’s Kickstarter party dissuading guests from donating by any means necessary, giving Kumail Nanjiani some screentime in an assumedly improvised montage to show why he’s one of the best comedians today. His efforts are jeopardized by Gilfoyle who donates $500 putting the Bro2Bro app $1500 dollars away from their goal. Gilfoyle tries to extorts him, threatening to put the app past their limit if Dinesh doesn’t pay him $500 – aptly put he’s “the Warren Buffet of fucking with him.” Surprisingly to both Dinesh and Gilfoyle, Wajeed reaches his goal in the last second, forcing them to both pay.
At the house, Richard gets a call from Gavin who he meets at a Mexican restaurant. If ever there was a way to make me despise Gavin Belson, they did it in this episode. He’s at a delightful Mexican restaurant. Fried dough, meats, cheeses, and guacs abound, but there he is eating fruit? The chips are right in front of him! It’s sickening. As the two talk, he makes some very cogent points regarding the dismal future of Pied Piper as well as it’s potential success. How would they be different than Hooli? He offers Richard an acquisition, and just as Richard is about to answer, he’s hilariously cut off by a Mariachi band. Instead of cutting to black to roll credits, Mike Judge and company let the question and shot linger as the band blares and Richard and Gavin awkwardly wait to resume their conversation.
Warriors and Pelicans are on…and it’s a good game. Shame I can’t flip back and forth seeing as how all my DVR spots are taken.
On the RAW side of things, we already have the pre-show guys saying idiotic things like, “Sting is gonna answer Cena’s challenge tonight!”
I’m not saying RAW and WWE have been anemic…but I didn’t even know Extreme Rules was this Sunday.
Let’s get moving.
We start with clips of last Monday when Orton and Rollins both won their “stipulation” matches and then picked stipulations that aren’t useful in the slightest.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Albany, New York for Monday Night RAW!!!
Orton starts us off with the steel cage surrounding the ring. He calls Rollins a “dumb bastard” and says that Rollins thinks that he took away Orton’s greatest weapon, the RKO. He says that he doesn’t need the RKO to win. That would be too quick and easy. He’ll break Rollins’ jaw so nobody has to hear him talk. He talks about the severe, brutal, gory beating Rollins will take at his hands — and he will have the championship.
Rollins’ music cuts him off. He says that Randy’s got an anger issue. Orton says he doesn’t have an anger problem. He says he has an issue with Rollins and, at Extreme Rules, that problem will go away. Rollins says that Orton just rants and he missed a lot of it. So, he recaps what Orton says, making fun of it along the way. He says that he’s the greatest champ of all-time. He can outmaneuver anyone, both inside and outside the ring. He says that he’s not taking anything away from Orton, calling him “one of the greatest of all-time”…but Rollins is THAT much better.
Orton says, after commercial break, he’s gonna get all his anger out of his system: he’s gonna RKO everybody he sees — and he’ll finish with Rollins by the end of the night.
TONIGHT: Triple H is coming out to make an announcement about Tough Enough’s return…by, presumably, announcing Tough Enough’s return.
Ambrose is out for a match as we go to commercial.
When we come back, Harper talks and says that, after tonight, Ambrose will “be afraid” of him.
MATCH #1: Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper Brawl to start. Press by Ambrose off a run. Ambrose all over Harper in the corner with a running forearm. He tries for Dirty Deeds but Harper evades and hits a kick to Ambrose’s stomach. He punches Ambrose but Ambrose fights him off and shoves him outside. He follows with the Flying Psycho and goes after Harper with punches. Harper gets up and tosses Ambrose outside into the crowd. Ambrose tosses Harper back into the ringside area and hits the Rebound Clothesline when Harper tries to toss Ambrose back into the ring. Apparently, this match is over, according to Cole, even though there wasn’t a bell but, ok. WINNERS: No contest.
RATING: 1/2 a *. I didn’t even know these two were on the card for Extreme Rules. Apparently, they are. If only I had paid attention to the brilliant build-up to this classic post-WM PPV. I really hope Ambrose goes higher in WWE.
Post-match, Harper and Ambrose fight to the entrance ramp. Harper dings Ambrose’s head off the giant LED board and then tries to toss Ambrose off the stage. Ambrose counters with Dirty Deeds but Harper just grabs Ambrose and tosses him to the ground. Ambrose lands and rolls like Samus in Metroid, then looks up to see that Harper’s fully retreated to the back.
Backstage, Rollins is freaking out. J&J is tailing him. The Primetime Players scare the holy shit out of him and mock him. J&J tell Young and Titus to back off. They do. Rollins bumps into a stagehand and bullies him for laughing. Triple H bumps into Rollins, scaring him as well. Triple H asks him Rollins is afraid of Orton and the RKO. Rollins says he isn’t. He just wants extra protection from Orton and the likes of Kane.
MATCH #2: Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) vs. The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) w/ Xavier Woods for the #1 Contender’s Spot for the WWE Tag Team Championship Crowd gives New Day the usual hell and it’s Kalisto and Big E to start. Big E whips Kalisto into the ropes and eventually eats an Enzuguri and a highly improbable Hurricarana, but E goes down. Kofi and Cara in. Cara hits a beautiful Springboard Arm Drag Takedown and chops Kofi in the corner which the crowd can’t even bring themselves to “WOO” at. Cara hits a quick Tornado DDT and gets two. Cara tries a dropkick but Kofi moves and Cara flies out of the ring. Woods distracts Cara and Kofi hits a nice dropkick. Cara is rolled back into the ring and the New Day are all over him with quick tags. Cara tries a tag. E stops him and then hits a monster clothesline. We go to break.
We’re back. Kofi dropkicks Cara and punches at him. Tag to E who drops a forearm and claps to mock Cara who kicks at E and tags Kalisto. Tag to Kofi from E. Kalisto hits a bad-ass spinning moonsault. Kalisto kicks Kofi in the head. Both of the New Day end up outside, so Kalisto and Cara do incredible flipping moonsaults off the top buckles — which culminates in a goofy ending where Woods is hiding under the ring (because that’s what Woods does) and holds Cara’s leg so he can’t re-enter the ring. New Day wins at 9:30. (DANIELLE: They can flip and twist out of every single move but they have no counter for a dude holding onto a leg?)
WINNERS AND #1 CONTENDERS: The New Day
RATING: **1/2. Not a bad match, really. I guess Vince is still delaying the Lucha push. Still, it makes no sense that New Day, who has no identity whatsoever, is getting a title shot due to seniority or something.
Post-match, the Luchas aren’t happy. And, suddenly, ITSORTONOUTOFNOWHEREWITHRKOSOUTOFNOWHERE!!! He takes out Kofi and Xavier with ease. Big E tries to get involved, but ditches his teammates. Orton celebrates. We’ve probably got 7 more matches ending this way tonight.
TONIGHT: Another Cena mid-card job.
ALSO: We recall the time when Big Show beat up Roman Reigns on top of a car.
When we get back, we get the video montage of Reigns and Show that will probably run before their DOA match at Extreme Rules.
MATCH #3: Curtis Axel vs. Fandango Axel dances to Fandango’s music before the match starts. Axel hits a dropkick after an initial mix-up, then rips his Axelmania t-shirt. Fandango nearly wins with a Distraction Roll-Up, but Axel thankfully kicks out. Fandango hits the Sitting Suplex and his Flying Legdrop for the win at 1:17. WINNER: Fandango via Flying Legdrop
RATING: N/A – squash – Welcome back, Fandango. Hopefully, they find something to do with him after his first go-round.
TONIGHT: Who ever wins Miz vs. Miz-dow gets the “Miz Brand”. Between that and “Bella Brand”, I can hardly handle the suspense.
Triple H is out to do his Tough Enough “announcement”, where he, presumably, calls out Maven for WrestleMania 32.
He says that the Authority had to make a decision in the face of chaos: the Authority was at a crossroads — so, they chose Seth Rollins to lead them. He says it’s time to find the next guy like Rollins, the guy who becomes Champion, then has his move banned.. That starts June 23 on USA. Tough Enough returns. Crowd puts down nachos and mildly applauds, kinda. He asks the crowd if they’ve ever dreamed of being a WWE Superstar. Nearly nobody responds. He asks them to imagine what it’s like to be a champ in WWE. DEAD. SILENCE. He says that dreams become reality tonight. He tells fans that they can apply for the show via video and tells the crowd to show that they’re truly…tough…enough.
Kane’s music hits and he gets about the same response as the Tough Enough return announcement. Triple H mocks him saying that he’s “too seasoned to be in Tough Enough”. Kane says that he’s done nothing but send Triple H angry messages all week about Seth Rollins’ complete lack of respect. He says he helped Rollins win and he’s not dealing with Rollins anymore. Kane is giving his two week’s notice. Triple H doesn’t want that and wants to talk backstage.
Rollins interrupts and we finally get the 20-minute talk-a-palooza WWE had deprived us of an hour ago. He says that Kane should quit. They bicker. Triple H tells the two of them to back off. Kane says that Rollins has been GIVEN everything, including the MITB case AND the belt. He says they could have made El Torito champion. Triple H gets between them and tells them both to shut up. He says that Kane has been nothing but loyal — so, at Extreme Rules, Kane is gonna be “The Guardian of the Gate”. Kane will stop anyone from entering or leaving the ring who isn’t supposed to enter or leave, making me wonder if Orton meant to pick Hell in a Cell instead.
Rollins doesn’t like this at all and says that Kane isn’t gonna play fair. Triple H: “That’s why you need to get on the same page as HIM.” Kane puts his hand out. Rollins shakes it and storms off.
(Good segment here. Ironically, it worked when Kane went on his rant, getting in Rollins’ face about the silver spoon treatment of Rollins.)
We get clips of last week’s classic “Divas Battle Royal” where Naomi “turned heel” after losing.
NEXT: Naomi’s in a match…but, ‘member: she’s evil now!!!
Rollins is backstage, arguing with Kane. Triple H interrupts them and tells them to shut up. Triple H tells Kane that he’s Korporate Kane now, not the Devil’s Favorite Demon. He tells Triple H that he IS the Demon…and he will prove it. He storms off. Triple H tells Rollins that he’s only champ because of people like Kane. That doesn’t make him champion. Proving that he’s champion means fighting night after night. Tonight, Rollins faces Dolph Ziggler. Rollins isn’t happy. Triple H tells him to show the world what he already knows. Rollins says he’s gonna destroy Dolph.
Naomi doesn’t dance down to the ring. She walks. The heel turn’s in full swing. On the plus side, that means a possible moratorium on the Funkydactyl music.
MATCH #4: Naomi vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) Oh, look. The Bellas are faces by default. Cole awkwardly hits on Nikki as Brie and Naomi fight in the corner. Naomi hits an uppercut and a snap mare. Side headlock by Naomi. Brie breaks and hits a clothesline, but eats a Nikki-style forearm from Naomi. Naomi knees Brie in the head and Brie sends her out of the ring. When we come back from break, Naomi’s beating on Brie in the ring with her “aggressive new attitude”, which is pretty much the same exact Naomi. Nikki: “This is the same Naomi you saw last week.” Naomi stomps at Brie and tosses her to the mat, beating on the back of her neck. Headlock by Naomi. Brie breaks and the two rush at each other as Nikki yells “C’MON BRIE” over and over and over. After a mutual clothesline, Brie hits the running knee and Brie Mode Drunken Dropkick of Doom. Two count. Naomi hits a Buckle Bulldog, but misses a crossbody. Brie knocks her down and gets two. Naomi hits THEREARVIEWOUTOFNOWHERE and gets the win at 9:09. WINNER: Naomi via Rear View
RATING: *1/2. A match that went on far too long. On top of that, the reverse turns don’t work. It’s hard to hate or love either of these women. Both the Bellas were calling Paige “Casper” a couple weeks ago and, now, we’re supposed to buy Nikki “feeling bad” for Paige? And we’re supposed to believe Naomi’s a heel — even though Creative has her coming out to her fun disco music?
Heath Slater and Erick Rowan are eating salads backstage. Rowan leaves. Orton RKO’s Slater, eats a tortilla chip, then says, “That’s three.”
Roman Reigns is out to talk. Or not. He just wants Big Show NOW.
And that brings out Bo Dallas for a massive bump. He quotes Yoda in “the greatest Star Wars movie ever made: Episode I”, then says that Reigns is “a bust” and the “Tim Tebow of WWE” as this segment is now as painfully ironic as it gets. He does the Bo-lieve shtick, then takes a Superman Punch and Spear. He will beat Big Show — and he can BO-lieve that.
STILL TO COME: Rollins vs. Ziggler
AT EXTREME RULES: A “Kiss Me Arse” Match. Oh…no…
MATCH #5: Sheamus vs. Zack Ryder The bell rings. Sheamus has a mic. He hits a Brogue and tells the audience he could pin Zack Ryder for three. He asks where the fun is in that. But, where’s the fun in that? Instead, he continues the beating and puts Ryder on the buckle, then knees him in the chest. He tells Ryder that he doesn’t belong in the ring with him. So he dumps Ryder outside, which WWE’s video crew just has to show again in slow-motion. Another kick for Ryder, then he rolls Ryder into the ring and mocks the New York crowd, asking where their city’s spirit is. He puts Ryder in the corner for another Brogue — but Ziggler shows up to save the day. Sheamus misses the Brogue on Ziggler and takes a Zigg Zagg, rolling out of the ring. DQ at 3:32. WINNER: Sheamus via DQ
RATING: DUD. Sheamus doesn’t care what people think of his hair. He’s all-in on this gimmick.
WWE Network is free all month. Again. Does this thing EVER bring in money?
NEXT: Cena Open Challenge
Out comes Cena for his match and asks Albany why they seem to be fading. He wants them cheering. They do. This Sunday, they go EXTREME. He says that Rusev seems to have fans where ever they go, which is funny, since Cena beat him at WrestleMania. Crowd is suddenly caught between their alliance to king and country and their hatred of Cena. Cena outlines Rusev’s “plan”, which consists of “using the chain a lot”. But Cena’s got life and he breathes, so, whatevs. He calls out a challenger…and this week it’s…
Kane.
MATCH #6: John Cena (champion) vs. Kane (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship Kane knocks Cena down, then beats him up in the corner. He whips Cena, hard, into the opposite corner, then kicks Cena out of the ring. Rollins and J&J watch the whole thing backstage. Kane goes outside with Cena, beating on him, then rolls him into the ring. Cena goes for his usual moves but Kane catches him and hits the Sidewalk Slam. Cena leaves the ring again. Kane goes after him, but Cena fights back, punching away. Kane tosses Cena into the crowd barrier and Cena just happens back into the ring at seven, which Kane just allows, which tells you how serious Kane is about that coveted title! Kane covers him for two. Kane works on Cena’s arm, pulling at it. Cena falls. Kane pins for two. Cena fights back, hitting Move #1, but Kane immediately hits a big uppercut. Cena goes down. Cena comes back and hits Move #3. He goes for the 5KS but Kane reaches up, grabs his throat and hits a Chokeslam for two. Kane signals for a Tombstone but Cena kicks out and hits the AA for the win at 6:21. WINNER: Cena via AA
RATING: **. Meh. Again, I don’t believe any of these guys are gonna beat Cena. On top of that, these matches are just two guys going through the motions.
STILL TO COME: Ziggler vs. Rollins
HOLY CRAP: Rock n’ Wrestling is after RAW on WWE Network! 😀
When we come back from break, Kane is limping backstage. Triple H bumps into him. Kane winces and walks off.
Renee Young has Miz. He says he’s the A-List Superstar and he’s also the reason Miz-dow has a job anymore. Renee Young cuts him off like it’s the Oscars and we go to John Cena.
Cena’s with Byron Saxton. Cena brags. Rusev hits him with a chain and locks in the Accolade with the chain across Cena’s face. Would have been even better if Rusev had made the Russian flag appear from the backstage ceiling.
MATCH #7: Damien Miz-dow (w/ Summer Rae) vs. The Miz for the “Miz Brand” Miz-dow tries to roll up Miz but Miz kicks out. Miz tries the back/neckbreaker but Miz-dow stops him and hits a Backslide for two. Miz rolls out of the ring. Miz-dow chases. They both get back into the ring. Miz takes over, kicking at him in the corner. Miz kicks Sandow in the head and gets two. Miz goes for the Miz-line but misses. Miz-dow hits the Miz-back/neckbreakaer and gets two. Lots of countering and SCF attempts by both men but, wouldn’t you know it? Summer turns heel and gouges Miz-dow in the eyes. Miz hits the SCF and we’re done at 2:45. WINNER: Miz via Skull Crushing Finale
RATING: *. THAT is how you blow this whole thing off? Poor, poor Miz-dow.
Post-match, Miz eats an RKO like he’s trying to hit a quota before Extreme Rules.
Bray gives another dumb promo that means nothing, goes nowhere, and will probably screw somebody over at Extreme Rules.
MATCH #8: Ryback vs. Adam Rose (w/ Rosebuds) Ryback CA-DUSH!!! Beating, Meathook, Shell Shock, done at 1:31. WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: N/A – squash
Post-match, two of Rose’s Rosebuds — a hot dog and banana — attack Ryback and get a Shell Shock. Then Ryback tells a joke: “What did the banana say to the hot dog? Nothing. Their asses got Shell Shocked!” Then, Rosa Mendes appears out of Bumfuck, Nowhere, to align herself with Rose in the most surreal segment on this show.
Renee Young stops Kane and says that Rollins and J&J Tweeted about him. They said they wanna give Kane a gift in denture cream and Depends. Kane busts into the CFO Suite of Doom and forces Rollins to apologize — and, surprisingly, he does. He says he’s “on edge” due to Orton lurking around, RKO’ing everyone (if, by “everyone”, you mean 1/500th of the dressing room) and he doesn’t wanna burn bridges. In fact, he’s dedicating tonight’s match to Kane. Yes, pour it on. Sigh…they shake hands and Rollins heads to the ring.
Orton watches Rollins in the hallway and we go to break.
MATCH #9: Dolph Ziggler vs. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) (non-title) Rollins beats on Ziggler in the corner. Ziggler fights back and beats Rollins the same corner, hitting a neckbreaker and elbow drop. Ziggler clotheslines him from the ring. Ziggler follows and punches away. Rollins kicks Ziggler in the stomach as he re-enters but Ziggler hits a dropkick for a one-count. Ziggler hits a suplex but Rollins kicks out at one. Ziggler goes for a dropkick but Rollins grabs his legs and slings him into the buckle. When we come back from break, Ziggler tries to fight out of a headlock but Rollins puts him to the mat as Cole continues to plug the “Kiss Me Arse” match just so he can say the word, “arse”. Rollins hits a Side Suplex, getting two. Another headlock by Rollins. Ziggler hits a chinbreaker to get out of it. Rollins tries to hit a splash in the corner but eats the buckle instead. Ziggler counters a Side Suplex and hits a quick lariat and corner splash. He rushes Rollins again, only to get kicked in the stomach, but comes back with a DDT, getting two. Rollins tries a schoolboy, but Ziggler kicks out. Enzuguri by Rollins. Two count. Rollins goes for a Buckle Bomb. Ziggler counters and rolls him up for two. Ziggler hits a Superkick and NEARLY gets a fall. Ziggler gets up — and here comes Sheamus to interfere. Rollins grabs Ziggler for a Buckle Bomb and his new move to avoid a head injury to superstars, a DDT…HUH?! WINNER: Seth Rollins via DDT at 11:32
RATING: **. Eh. This was another Rollins/Ziggler match with an OK finish. Nothing special. The Curb Stomp needs to be put back into play if a DDT is “OK”.
Post-match, Rollins celebrates and tells the crowd that he’s gonna beat Orton to retain the championship.
Triple H interrupts and congratulates him — but Rollins interrupts, ripping the mic out of his hands. He wants to “finish his thoughts”. He mentions Kane — who shows up. J&J try to get in his way, then Triple H gets in his way as well. Seth calls for the cage to be lowered — and it is — except Orton is in the ring with Rollins. Rollins tries to escape but Orton RKO’s him ON HIS HEAD (OH NOES!!!) and stands tall as we go off the air — oh, but wait — Cole has to plug Hulk Hogan’s Rock n’ Wrestling, that great, groundbreaking moment in animation! Jesus…
OVERALL: **. Decent show with your usual two hours of filler.
And I present the return of the Best of the Internet Water Cooler in regards to last night’s show:
Community Season 6, Episode 7 – Advanced Safety Features Grade: B-
This episode will harken back to when Subway had infiltrated the school and gave itself a human avatar by which to enroll at Greendale. In fact, they brought back the same actor to reprise the role, but completely changed his name and identity, and most importantly, his backer, to Honda. Subway, now ‘Rick’, is using his powers of handsomeness and guerilla marketing to convince the denizens of Greendale to buy Honda products. Britta, recalling the love that could have been, goes to Rick on a mission to set things straight and tell him off. (Complete sidenote: Gillian Jacobs looks stunning with straight hair. Straight hair is my mustard stain for Britta).
The B-plot for this week’s episode is the group trying to get Elroy to like them. As a group, let’s be honest, their need for appreciation and attention is pretty high, and we’ve seen this before. Again, this is just a re-hashing of previous themes, and guess what, Jeff is too cool for school and doesn’t want to court Elroy as a friend. Jeff only seems interested when he thinks Elroy doesn’t like him. Oh, insecurity issues? BREAK NEW GROUND DAMMIT. (Though I really do want to play ‘The Ears Have It’)
We finally see Britta at her job, and it’s amazing that the bar she works at is called “The Vatican”. Between this episode and the brilliant Zoolander reveal, Billy Zane is enjoying a pretty good week. Britta realizes that she’s been guerilla marketing all this time, and if she does it with Rick, well, she can DO it with Rick. Gee, compromising her morals for a stab at ill-fated love? Haven’t seen that before. Of course, things escalate quickly, and Britta brings Rick home to see her parents. She doesn’t realize that no matter how things are between her and Rick, Rick is always on the job, and that’s his real love, leading to again, an episode long romance for Britta.
As dances go, they always provide a neat conclusion to an episode. The alumni dance is no exception. Rick can’t give up the sell, so he gives up Britta. Elroy is petrified by the lead singer of Natalie Is Freezing (who’s Julia by the way) and blows up Jeff’s attempt to try to extend an olive branch. At the end of the day, Elroy realizes that it’s his problems, and no one else’s that prevent him from trying to be happy, and Jeff, upon seeing that, learned another lesson that leads to his heart to grow a size, only that we know, it’ll shrink back down by next week’s episode.
I’m calling it. This season should be the last one of Community. At this point, it’s running on fumes. Even this episode is just a re-hashing of an old topic. I do like how that Frankie kind of acts as the show’s meta-presence. They’re right though, ever since Troy left the show, it has been a shell of itself. Troy Barnes and his earnest naivety balanced the show’s sarcastic and sometimes outlandish plots with heart and positivity. Since he left, the show hasn’t been able replicate that chemistry with the new cast members. The best episode this season has been when Chang was the main focus. Let’s use him more. There was even a meta joke in the last episode where he says he hasn’t been utilized properly since the first season. Unless the show grows, I think the movie part of #SixSeasonsAndAMovie is toast.
Though I will say, I would watch an episode where Chang just gives Powerpoint presentations. That and having the Dean (a level 7 susceptible) being bossed around by Frankie would be fantastic and an enthralling 30 minutes of television.
Hey everybody. My name is Rob… and I’m a collector. Every payday (*see steal money from my wife’s wallet) I blow “my” money on collectibles and collector editions. It’s a serious problem. That’s where Collectors Anonymous comes in. It’s a place where collectors can be open and honest, without being judged. Well, actually it’s just me doing unboxings with a sick melodramatic intro sequence…but ummmm… so you don’t have to!?
Earlier today, Marvel announced Nicole Perlman and Meg LeFauve as the writers for its Phase 3 film, Captain Marvel. There’s been a lot of speculation around this movie, probably even too much for a movie that isn’t even due to release until the tail-end of 2018. I won’t deny that I’m responsible for 80% of the rumors, but hey, at least now we have something concrete for our favorite heroine, Carol Danvers.
Perlman is most recently known for her writing on last summer’s hit, Guardians of the Galaxy, where she is attributed with plucking the lesser known comic from a lineup of several Marvel series. LeFauve is recognized for her writing on the soon-to-be-released Pixar film, Inside Out. Both are relatively unknown writers, especially for such a large film, but as Marvel has proven before, it doesn’t shy away from smaller names for the sake of quality.
There is still no word on any of the casting news or even who may be tapped as director for Captain Marvel, but the writer announcement means (hopefully) more news will be coming soon. Here’s hoping Michelle MacLaren, who recently bowed out of DC’s Wonder Woman, will take up the helm.
English actor Dominic Sherwood has been officially cast as Jace Wayland in ABC Family’s upcoming new series Shadowhunters, based on the popular The Mortal Instruments novels by Cassandra Clare.
The show will follow 18-year-old Clarissa “Clary” Fray who finds herself immersed in the supernatural world of the Shadowhunters, beings with angel blood who hunt down demons and other creatures to protect normal humans from their clutches. She meets talented Shadowhunter Jace soon after her mother is mysteriously kidnapped.
In 2013, Lily Collins and Jamie Campbell Bower starred in the big screen version of City of Bones, which was adapted from the first book in the series of six. Constatin Films, who produced the movie, announced last October that they had plans to do a television adaptation instead. McG is currently signed on to direct the pilot episode.
Sherwood is most known for his role as Christian Ozera in the Vampire Academy film.
Who do you want to see cast as Clary, Simon, Alec and Isabelle?
The Marvel Cinematic Universe is about as incestuous as a Targaryen dinner party, so when a film as large as Avengers: Age of Ultron comes around it can be difficult to remember which face goes with which butt suit.
That’s where we come in. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until the release of the film, we’ll be giving you primers on all the major players.
Also, this primer (and all the others) will contain spoilers from the last several Marvel films. You’ve been warned. So, don’t whine. At least not at us…
We first met the cinematic Thor back in 2011 in the form of Australia’s heart-melting megahunk Chris Hemsworth, but don’t let his winning smile fool you! Thor was initially portrayed as a cocky, selfish, warmonger who eagerly relished the opportunity to succeed his father, Odin, as the king of Asgard – the ethereal other dimension that Thor calls home. This arrogant behavior almost started a war with the Frost Giants, which made Odin strip Thor of his powers and banish him to Earth.
On Earth, Thor met a lovely scientist named Jane Foster whose research into worm holes became pretty much solidified once this brute of a man landed quite literally at her feet But her new subject of study became difficult when Agent Coulson and the men and women of S.H.I.E.L.D. came poking around for answers regarding the appearance of a magical hammer from another world.
Back on Asgard, Thor’s slimy brother, Loki, found out he is actually only a half-brother when it was revealed to him that he was actually born a Frost Giant and merely taken in by Odin out of pity. This lead him to seize power in Asgard and set forth a plot to destroy his frozen homeland in hopes of earning enough of Odin’s respect to become the next king of Asgard. Luckily, Thor’s loyal friends Lady Sif and the Warriors Three headed to Earth to warn Thor and bring him back to stop Loki.
Loki is wise to this plan though and sends a powerful weapon known as The Destroyer to stop Thor and friends from ever getting off of Earth. And it is in this battle that Thor proves himself as a leader through self-sacrifice, which restored his powers and allowed him to not only defeat The Destroyer on Earth but also Loki back on Asgard.
SO THIS LOKI GUY IS PRETTY IMPORTANT TOO, HUH?
Oh yep! And if you thought he was dead when the end credits to Thor started to roll you’d be dead wrong. Not only did Loki survive but he made his way to Earth to obtain the all-powerful Tesseract, which he would use as a bargaining chip with the evil race of aliens known as the Chitauri who were more than happy to provide Loki with an army to take over the planet with.
ENTER: THE AVENGERS!
To stop Loki’s evil plans, Thor returned to Earth and teamed up with Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and the fine folks of S.H.I.E.L.D. to wage the epic Battle of New York that ended with Loki in chains and destined to spend the rest of his life in an Asgardian prison.
SO WAIT…THOR DIDN’T BOTHER VISITING JANE WHILE HE WAS BACK ON EARTH?!?!?
Nope. Typical dude.
RUDE. HAS HE BEEN BACK SINCE THEN?
Of course. That’s what Thor: The Dark World was for!
After learning from the seer-of-all-things, Heimdal, that Jane had disappeared, Thor returned to Earth to find Jane fresh from visiting another world where she was infected with an ancient weapon known as the Aether, which awakened an ancient foe named Malekith from his imprisoned slumber.
Thor took Jane back to Asgard with him where Odin identified the Aether and claimed that it would take Jane’s life. But before they could do anything about it Malekith and his minions attacked Asgard with the hope of obtaining the Aether via Jane. Thor’s mother, Frigga, was killed during the battle while bravely trying to defend Jane but ultimately Malekith was forced to retreat without getting his hands on Jane.
Thor then ignored Odin’s orders to remain on Asgard in favor of taking Jane to a more barren realm where he could hopefully lure Malekith into a trap to defeat him. But to do that Thor required the aid of Loki who knows how to travel to different worlds without the aid of gatekeeper Heimdal. Loki agreed to this in hopes of avenging Frigga’s death and successfully escaped from Asgard with Thor and Jane thanks to the help of Lady Sif and the Warriors Three.
On the world of Svartalfheim, Malekith takes the bait of removing the Aether from Jane and is able to take it for himself when Thor failed to destroy it. To make matters worse, Loki was mortally wounded in the battle that followed and “died” with a hope that Thor would tell Odin of his sacrifice.
Thor and Jane then made their way to Earth where Malekith was attempting to unleash the Aether at a time when all Nine Realms of the universe converged for more convenient destruction. You gotta admire his attempt at efficiency…but Thor and friends managed to stop the process, kill Malekith, and reclaim the Aether before any catastrophic damage could be done.
Back in Asgard, Odin offered Thor the chance to finally take the throne as King of Asgard but he refused in favor of returning to Earth to be with Jane.
This seems all well and good until it was revealed that Odin is actually…LOKI IN DISGUISE!
WHAAAAAAAAT?!
Yep. Shit just got real.
SO WHAT’S NEXT IN AGE OF ULTRON?
Well, as far as we know Thor is still on Earth romancing Jane and will be available to join up with his fellow Avengers to battle Ultron and his robotic forces. What isn’t entirely clear though is how much this “Age of Ultron” will affect Thor or the realm of Asgard. Tom Hiddleston and Idris Elba are on record as being in the film as Loki and Heimdal respectively, but it is assumed that their appearances will be minor ones.
OK…SO IF THAT’S TRUE WHEN DOES THE STORY OF THOR SIGNIFICANTLY MOVE FORWARD?
Mark your calendars for November 3, 2017 because that is when we’ll get Thor: Ragnarok, which seems to imply that Thor survives the events of Age of Ultron and will be able to figure out what Loki is up to.
In the comics, the character of Ragnarok is half-clone/half-robot version of Thor created by Tony Stark during the Civil War, which is now known to be the focus of Captain America’s next solo film. And in classic Norse Mythology the word “ragnarok” is usually used to describe the end of the world sooooo….yeah. Things are about to get real crazy for Thor on the big screen.
RELEVANT PEOPLE:
Jane Foster: Object of Thor’s affection for two movies straight but an amazing scientist in her own right.
Loki: Thor’s conniving half-brother is easily one of the most cunning characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and seriously shouldn’t be trusted to do anything that he promises to do.
Heimdal: The guardian of Asgard who watches over the Nine Realms from his guard post at the end of the rainbow bridge. A true badass.
Odin: Strong and wise King of Asgard who might be a little old fashioned but can always be counted on for a hot dose of truth despite currently being occupied by Loki.
Lady Sif and the Warrors Three: These four warriors have been with Thor through the best of times and the worst of times and are always ready to come to his aid at a moment’s notice. Some people even wish Thor would just dump Jane already and get with Sif. He could definitely do worse!
Erik Selvig: Jane’s mentor and fellow scientist who played a big role in Loki’s machinations in The Avengers. As a result of this he’s a little screwy but still helpful in a pinch.
Darcy: Jane’s loveable assistant who still struggles to pronounce the word “Mjolnir.” Can you blame her?
WANT MORE THAN MOVIES TO SATE YOUR THOR NEEDS? CHECK OUT THESE COMICS:
But don’t take the title literally because we aren’t going to spend much time actually at the House of Black and White
Is it just me or does the Game of Thrones intro get longer and longer each episode? I mean, I know we’ve added more cities than just King’s Landing, Winterfell, and The Wall, but two minutes? If they keep adding to it I may actually have to do something productive in that time. Like laundry or exercise or write in my journal.
Braavos
Arya’s face after that long introduction was well worth the wait, though. With an episode titled, “The House of Black and White,” I had hoped it would be a Baby Stark Girl affair, spreading the good word of murder and revenge, but I’m afraid I was I a bit let down in that department. I am also disappointed that Arya’s Kill Prayer has dwindled down to only four names. Arya, unfortunately, doesn’t get to do much in the way of stabbing, but by the end of the episode she does finally gain access to the fabled House of Black and White where she meets back up with homeboy himself, Jaqen H’ghar. He takes her inside to begin the Faceless Man training and if the film masterpiece Face/Off isn’t on the syllabus, it will be a travesty.
The King’s Road
Brienne! Oh, hey girl! I was hoping this season wouldn’t skimp on the Good Knight/Bad Knight schtick that is Pod and Brienne, and it looks like I’ll get my wish. Both are loyal characters trying to do the right thing, only Brienne has grown tired of waiting for her nobility to pay off. Pod is utterly terrified of her wrath, especially when it comes to anything that might stand in the way of fulfilling her oath, be it Littlefinger, his guards, or a lack of horses. Thankfully, Brienne’s Scooby-Doo villain chase has come to an end and she finally gets to meet Sansa Stark.
Had Brienne found Sansa sooner, I have no doubt that she would have gone with the knight, but after spending (far too much) time with Littlefinger, Sansa has grown into a shrewd player and doesn’t see the benefit in hanging out with someone so moral as Brienne. After looking over Brienne and reading between the lines of the dialogue with Littlefinger, Sansa decides idealism just isn’t for her and she spurns Brienne worse than Arya. Now the knight with the infallible loyalty has gone 0 for 2 with the Stark girls. (Just like her record as a sworn sword. Hey-o! ….And now I’m sad again.) However, Brienne has no intention of letting the eldest Stark slip away and she and Pod use their invisibility cloaks to follow her north.
King’s Landing
In King’s Landing, Cersei is still reeling from the death of her father and now she’s forced to deal with the prospect of her daughter being held hostage in Dorne.
Jaime doesn’t seem nearly as worried as Cersei, but then again, as Cersei puts it, “You’ve never been much of a father to her.” Jaime then decides to go to Dorne to rescue his “niece” because at least in Dorne the burns don’t leave lasting scars on your heart. Because a one-handed man can’t perform a daring rescue all alone, Jaime enlists the help of Loyalty-For-Gold Bronn and so begins another escapade across Westeros with a pair fans adore.
(Seriously though, Jaime has lost a lot of his appeal over the last two seasons. No matter how good he looks in that red leather tunic, I’m finding it harder and harder to defend him.)
Dorne
Speaking of Myrcella and snakes and such, we finally get our first glimpse of Dorne! So far, I’m loving the sets, but even more than that I’m loving the tension between Ellaria (Oberyn’s boo) and Prince Doran. Spoiler for book readers (highlight with cursor): She seems to be taking the place of Arianne Martell, no? While I’m still sad about the loss, I’m okay with this as long as there’s someone in Dorne challenging the Prince. Ellaria wants to make an example of Myrcella, sending the country into war as vengeance for Oberyn’s death and Doran lets his head prevail and tells her no matter how many Sand Snakes she has at her disposal, they will not fight King’s Landing. There was also a bit of a throwback to an earlier moment in the show when Myrcella is first sent to Dorne and I really enjoy these little connections between characters that despise each other.
Somewhere in Essos
Let’s see, as far as traveling duos go we’ve covered Brienne & Pod, Sansa & Littlefinger, Jaime & Bronn…who’s left? Ah, right. Varys & Tyrion BFF’s 4 life. (By the way, I would not be sad in the slightest if Game of Thrones decided to make a spin-off detailing the many adventures of Varys and Tyrion.) Not much happens on the road to Meereen except we learn that for someone who enjoys being perpetually drunk, Tyrion is not a fan of sitting still. Varys has grown tired of his toddler antics and him to just STFU until they get there. Tyrion then questions the reason behind his new boxed-in existence and for a moment he seems to forget who Cersei is and claims she cannot possibly kill every dwarf to get to him.
Meanwhile, Cersei continues her war path across King’s Landing, making heavy-handed changes to the small council in an effort to control every facet of the kingdom, and doing so by speaking on King Tommen’s behalf. Tywin’s brother, Kevan Lannister, is no fool and sees Cersei’s actions for what they really are and claims to want no part of it.
The wall
Totally-not-foreshadowing Moment of the Week: Sam Tarly reads a bunch of old books, one of which details a Stark’s rise to become the youngest Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Later when all the crows have gathered to vote for the next Lord Commander, it is Sam who throws Jon’s name into the ring, reminding his brothers who they turned to when the night was darkest. It’s a stirring speech that gives Jon the position of honor, earning him even more respect from Stannis and Co. Fitting that both Jon Snow and Kit Harrington should grow as character and actor respectively; Jon as leader suits them well.
Still north of the Wall, there’s a character that doesn’t get as much recognition as she should: Shireen Baratheon. She’s a clever, but kind, little girl who takes to those who are broken the same as she. (Even if Gilly is annoying.) Besides, if the Varys & Tyrion spin-off show never comes to fruition, there’s always hope for a more educational Westeros program.
Meereen
Across the Narrow Sea, Daario teaches Grey Wurm a few lessons about being corrupt and using fear to one’s advantage. I suspect it won’t be a teaching that Grey Wurm takes to heart. After, Daenerys finds herself at a crossroads; the Sons of the Harpy continue to terrorize the people, but thanks to the aforementioned pair, she acquires a Harpy to question, imprison, or execute. Barristan’s story time about her father the Mad King and diplomatic advice eventually wins out and Dany cannot kill the Harpy. However, Mossador–a former slave–cannot excuse the Harpy’s behavior and murders him in his cell. Dany has to decide to either let the act go and remain in the slaves’ good graces or risk more chaos for the sake of her morals. In the end, she cannot forgive murder and executes Mossador in front of the slaves and masters. Surprisingly, neither side takes the action too well and the people riot.
Things then take a lighter turn for the Mother of Dragons as Drogon returns home. That is, until he asks her for some money and she’s all, “I haven’t seen you in months! At least give me a hug first!” He stomps his feet, makes a snide remark about the city currently burning to the ground, and flies off, presumably to pout with Viserion and Rhaegal.
NOT PICTURED IN THIS EPISODE:
The Greyjoys and their squid
Hodor “Hodor” Hodor
Jaime’s intelligence
Gendry “I’m still rowing” Baratheon
Melisandre’s burning loins
Selyse Baratheon’s manners
A few hours ago in an Orange Country far, far away…
STAR WARS!
One of the film world’s most beloved franchises continued to prove it’s power this weekend in Anaheim, California with the four day event known as Star Wars Celebration, which (as the name suggests) celebrates everything Star Wars. The convention got off to a big start on Thursday, April 16 with the release of that stunning trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens but the fun carried on for an additional three days. So with a press pass around my neck and a pair of friends at my side I hit the convention floor to get a fan’s eye view of what all the fuss was about…
In general you’re surrounded by your favorite props, vehicles, and characters every where you look.
Some are convincing…
But others require a little imagination…
And there was definitely no shortage of these guys…
No, seriously. There were hundreds of them.
Some of the displays were conventional…
While others were downright bizarre…
Cars were given a Star Wars makeover…
And so were children!
Celebrity chef Duff Goldman of Charm City Cakes whipped up some intergalactic treats in a replica of the famous cantina scene from A New Hope!
…but let’s not forget to talk about Chef Darth Vader serving up Jar Jar Bink’s head on a platter. Literally.
But fans looking for a taste of what’s to come in The Force Awakens would not go home disappointed…
Even the newly styled Stormtroopers made an appearance!
And when you found yourself shut out of panel discussions and cast member meet-and-greets due to long lines and full rooms you could always just recreate the classic films in some truly awesome photo opportunities!
Fancy some holographic chess? You got it!
Need a quick dose of healing bacta fluid? You can get that!
Want to prove your worth against the dreaded Rancor? You can do that too!
Just beware of roaming Playboy Bunnies…
…and the disturbing revelations of movie magic…
But all in all it’s worth the peril to stand in the replicated hallways that Han Solo and Chewbacca called “home”…
But keep your damn nerf-herding hands to yourself!
When we left Outlander last week, things were pretty dire for Claire and Geillis. Laoghaire had accused both of being witches and given the time period, that’s no slight accusation. With Jamie off to do Colum’s bidding and babysitting Dougal, there wasn’t much help for the pair on the outside of their prison cell. (Not much help from the rats on the inside, either.)
“The Devil’s Mark” is an episode that epitomizes what I enjoy about Outlander. Was it a fantastic episode with heart-pounding moments and top-notch writing? Well, no. In fact, I have quite a few issues with the episode. HOW-TO-THE-EVER, it was concise, developed the characters well, and moved the story forward. I counted at least three moments in the episode where the writers could have stretched out the episode a wee bit more to end on a cliffhanger. Thankfully, the gods were with us and no such thing happened.
I’m always fascinated by representations of witch hunts from the 17th-18th centuries. Not because they’re insane and over-the-top (though that is enjoyable), but because of how easily our own culture falls into the same mindset. We like to think that we have grown as a people, and we have, what with all that science nonsense, but mob mentality still runs strong in our blood and the internet is total proof of that. It’s easy to look upon the people of Cranesmuir and judge them for being simple-minded and rash because we know Claire and Geillis, we know they aren’t terrible people who deserve to be burned alive. (Well, Geillis DID murder her husband, but she totally did it for love.)
The trial was nicely done, loud and chaotic, intercut with quiet, desperate scenes of Claire and Geillis in their cold, underground prison cell. It’s nice to see how different these two women are and to notice just how much Claire has grown. She trusts no one to save her except herself, which leads her to shouting back at the rabid townsfolk because like my young son, Claire knows that shouting always gets you what you want. Geillis, however, is almost serene, convinced Dougal will save the day. In the end, it is neither Claire or Dougal who comes to the rescue, but the unlikely hero in Ned Gowan.
Ned Gowan is an unassuming old man, significantly more bookish than brute. And yet, he walks into the trial with all the confidence of a–well, a Jamie–convinced he can save the girls from these false accusations. After the first witness, it’s clear how intelligent Ned Gowan truly is. He knows how to play each witness, either preying on their superstitions or their past as a means to discredit each testimony. Even with his splendid show, I was torn from the trial scenes once Claire started narrating. I don’t need to be told that Ned Gowan is a wordsmith who uses his meek persona to his advantage. That much is already made plain. The narration by Claire (and Jamie in the ninth episode) has only hindered the otherwise good show. I really wish they’d cut that out.
Nevertheless, Ned seems to get the job done. That is, until Father Bain takes the stand. He puts on a convincing display of a broken man, one who has lost his faith because of the selfless actions performed by Claire to save a young boy’s life. It almost seems sincere and for a moment, I thought this would be an interesting change, to see the pious man set free the accused witches. But then his purpose is made clear–he never intended to help Claire or Geillis, but to instead further the belief they are able to bewitch others, including driving a man of God away from his faith. And then the courtroom goes insane.
There’s no witty remark for Ned to make that can save the girls. Their fate is sealed unless one will admit the other is the real witch. Naturally, Ned wants to save Claire, as Geillis isn’t on many people’s Christmas card lists. Claire feigns nobility and this was one of the few moments in the show when I didn’t buy Caitriona Balfe’s acting. Claire was stilted, obviously torn between saving her own life and loyalty to her friend, but it was a flat delivery. It’s a stupid and noble act, and Claire’s not given many options, but something still felt off about it all. In the end, Claire chooses friendship and gets lashed for it. Just when things seem to hit their breaking point, Jamie bursts through the doors and somewhere in the background a trumpet plays his hero theme.
This was the worst part of the episode for me. I understand the situation Claire, Geillis, and Ned are in. I know it looks hopeless, but to have Jamie show up as the hero last minute with no explanation as to why or how he is there completely shatters all of the good things the trio did prior to his arrival. Geillis then (finally, amirite?)takes it upon herself to draw attention away from Claire so she can escape. And in doing so, she shows off her scandalous vaccination scar. Instead of Jamie rushing in to save the day, I think the scene would have played out better without the dashing hero and instead with Ned and Claire ducking out of sight. Alas, it doesn’t happen that way, and I don’t know what happened to Ned; I just know Geillis met an unfortunate fate and Jamie and Claire fled into the woods.
And that was just over half the episode.
See what I mean? There is a lot of meat to each Outlander episode, so much so that these reviews could go on for much longer. (Only I’m told to have less bodice-ripping. Silly, prude overlords.)
After saving Claire, Jamie sits down with her to calmly ask if she’s a witch, as one does. In a conversation that I assume took several hours, Claire divulges to Jamie the truth about how she came to be in 18th century Scotland. In all that time, she never manages to fix her dress and bring it up over her shoulders, but hey, if this were Game of Thrones, she’d have been fully topless, so…small miracles? (I realize the open dress was because of the wounds from her lashing, it just looked a wee bit ridiculous.)
Jamie accepts Claire’s story, admitting he doesn’t understand it (to which Claire scoffs, “Neither do I.”), but he believes she is telling the truth. They ride off into the sunset, share another female-approved sex scene, and then Jamie drops her off at Craigh na Dun.
After a lot of deliberation and a black screen that I was CERTAIN meant cliffhanger, Claire returns to Jamie and the world Jen rejoices. I can’t help but love those two crazy kids together. And now, off to Lallybroch!
Outlander airs Saturdays on Starz at 9pm EST.
Photos courtesy of Starz.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe is about as incestuous as a Targaryen dinner party, so when a film as large as Avengers: Age of Ultron comes around it can be difficult to remember which face goes with which butt suit.
That’s where we come in. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until the release of the film, we’ll be giving you primers on all the major players.
Also, this primer (and all the others) will contain spoilers from the last several Marvel films. You’ve been warned. So, don’t whine. At least not at us…
Iron Man?! i love that song! Duh, duh, DUH-DUH-DUH! DUH-NUH-Nuh-NUH-NUH-NUH-NUH-DUNH-DUNH-DUNH-DUNH!!!
No. Stahp. Not that one. Iron Man is a man who dons an incredible suit made of iron which is partially assisted by artificial intelligence, powered by an incredible miniaturized electromagnetic reactor and is packed to the brim with advanced weaponry.
Iron Man is played by Robert Downey, Jr..
so…he’s kinda like an iron batman?
Not entirely, though Iron Man is pretty much the closest one can get to being Batman without being Batman. His not-so-secret identity is Tony Stark, a billionaire, playboy, genius weapons engineer who uses his vast wealth and knowledge to contribute to the betterment of mankind whether it’s through his Iron Man persona or by designing technology that’s both incredibly efficient and clean.
“stark”? any relation to that stark guy from captain america?
Yup. Tony is the son of the late Howard Stark who, you may recall, was one of the founding members of S.H.I.E.L.D. and also provided major assists to the United States government in the form of transportation and advanced technology and weaponry during World War II. Howard (with scientist Anton Vanko) was the original designer of the Arc Reactor and would, posthumously, save his son’s life. In fact, it’s probably fair to say that Steve Rogers wouldn’t even be who he is today without Howard. The elder Stark created the Vita-Ray Machine that, along with a “Super Soldier Serum” (invented by his colleague, Dr. Abraham Erskine), successfully transformed the wimpy Rogers into Magic Mike: ‘Murica Edition AKA Captain America. The ensuing research of the Super Soldier program even lead to General Ross’s “Weapon One” program, so one could even argue that Howard might have been indirectly responsible for the origin of The Hulk.
All right. I’ve got a headache now. Just tell me more about tony.
In Iron Man, following a weapons demonstration in a Middle Eastern desert, the U.S.Military convoy escorting Tony back to a local U.S. Military base was ambushed by the Ten Rings, a radical terrorist group. They captured Tony and offered him a deal: either he created the very same advanced missile systems so they could shift the balance of power in the area or they’d kill Stark. Being that Stark couldn’t go anywhere (he had a piece of shrapnel embedded in his chest near his heart due to the attack), he knew he’d have to perform a miracle to survive and escape. With the help of Ho Yinsen, a former surgeon captured by the Ten Rings years prior during a raid on his local village, Stark would construct a miniaturized version of the very same Arc Reactor which would not only keep him away from death’s doorstep, it would also power the various Iron Man suits Stark would create and–.
TL;DR
Ok, fine. Tony’s Arc Reactor solved his health issues, he escaped the cave utilizing a very crude and bulky iron suit and returned to America where created a brand-new, more streamlined Iron Man suit, while ending his company’s involvement with weapons manufacturing. That last bit didn’t sit well with long-time, close family friend and colleague, Obadiah Stane. (By the way, yes, that’s his actual name, not a Harry Potter villain or an alien from the Star Wars universe). It turns out that Stane was not only supplying our military, he had been selling Stark weaponry to the Ten Rings as well. His ultimate goal was to take Stark Industries from Tony by force. When his initial attempts failed and the truth was revealed, Stark went after Stane who had hijacked and made improvements to Tony’s original cave suit, The Mark I. After the two fought, Stane met his end by falling through the roof of the L.A. offices and electrocuting himself on a giant, prototype of the Arc Reactor that Tony had originally built, years prior, as an experiment.
Damn. That’s insane.
Oh, totally! But, there’s more. In Iron Man 2, Senator Stern (yes, the corrupt Senator from Winter Soldier) and the Senate Armed Forces Committee was breathing down Tony’s neck: they didn’t like that Tony had quit supplying weapons to them and they wanted his Iron Man technology under the false pretense that the Iron Man program was “a possible threat”. In reality, Justin Hammer, a dude they hired to replicate Stark’s stuff, was producing technology that was about as reliable as Windows Vista and that wasn’t flying with the Government. Stark defeated the SAFC after showing hearing attendees Hammer’s technology test footage, featuring his clone robot suits going haywire. Out of anger and frustration, Hammer hired Ivan Vanko, the son of Anton Vanko, to help clone Stark’s tech and, at the same time, destroy Stark physically and mentally. As it turns out, Ivan already had a bone to pick with Tony because, years earlier, Howard deported his father, Anton, back to Russia based on espionage charges born out of greed. Whereas Howard wanted to develop the Arc Reactor as a form of clean energy, Anton only wanted money and fame. Ivan wanted revenge.
Well, that’s not such a big deal. It’s only some industrial flunky and his goofy sidekick…
Yes, but what Hammer (and the rest of the world) didn’t know was that the small Reactor that Yinsen and Stark built had an unfortunate side effect: the Palladium (the element used to power the device) was poisoning Stark’s bloodstream and there was no cure. As a result, Stark was forced to make the incredibly difficult decision to hand his company over to his long-time assistant, Pepper Potts, in case of his demise. He would replace Potts with a new assistant in the form of Natasha Rushman, a notary he met days prior. Tony began sinking into a deep depression and, while he managed to defeat both Vanko and Hammer, he very nearly ended up losing his best friend, James Rhodes in the process. Not only did Rhodes have to subdue Stark (Stark drunkenly entertained his birthday party guests by goofing around with his Iron Man suits, recklessly shooting random objects with his eye beams), he ended up stealing Stark’s Mark II prototype suit and delivering it to the U.S. Military, which ended up being heavily re-built into a suit known as “War Machine: Mark I”. At this point, Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. stepped in to help out as they deemed Tony too important to lose. Fury, tired of dealing with Stark’s shit, forked over a box of Howard Stark’s old stuff, in the hopes that Tony would be able to mine it for a cure. It was because of Howard’s past research, hidden in outtakes for an introduction video for the annual “Stark Expo”, that Tony was able to create a new plot device element that was not only compatible and more powerful than the original Arc, it also was a Deus Ex Machina cured his palladium poisoning.
is there anything stark can’t do?! why isn’t he president?
I’d assume it’s his reckless attitude. And his womanizing. Which should make him a good candidate.
So, then he was in the battle of New york?
Well, originally, S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t even want him because they deemed him to be too irresponsible to be part of the actual Avengers Initiative due to his actions in Iron Man 2. They offered him a “consultant” position instead, which Stark accepted — if they forced Senator Stern to award him and James Rhodes bravery medals. S.H.I.E.L.D. accepted and, for one of his first “missions”, he was sent to a bar, by Agent Coulson, to prevent General Ross from releasing Emil Blonsky (AKA “The Abomination”) to S.H.I.E.L.D. custody because, as it turns out, S.H.I.E.L.D. was gonna try to tame him and bring him into the Avengers Initiative.
That makes no goddamn sense.
I know. But let’s move on: Coulson finally brings Stark into the fold after a godly object called The Tesseract was stolen from a S.H.I.E.L.D. facility in New Mexico by Loki, the brother of Thor. As it happens, the Tesseract is an “Infinity Stone”, something that will be covered in an upcoming primer. Once owned by Loki and Thor’s father, Odin, it has unlimited power and potential, which S.H.I.E.L.D. was hoping to exploit in order to bring free, unlimited energy to the planet. In the wrong hands, it can be used as an extremely dangerous weapon. It turns out that Stark and Bruce Banner are, virtually, the only two people on the planet who can track the thing — which is a must since Loki wanted to use it to open a portal for a bunch of hostile aliens so that they he could take over the planet. Luckily, Coulson and Fury were able to re-start The Avengers Initiative, uniting Captain America, The Hulk (Banner), Thor, The Black Widow (Agent Natasha Romanoff), Hawkeye (Agent Clint Barton) and Stark to fight and cut the menace off in New York before they could get to the rest of the planet.
What’s in store for Stark in AGE OF ULT–?
Not so fast. There was an Iron Man 3.
Oh, come on…look, I got things to do…
Dude. This universe is huge. Plus, this was kinduva fun one. Stark’s experiencing a bit of post-traumatic stress from the Battle of New York and can’t sleep. He stays up for days at a time creating several new versions of the Iron Man suit. It isn’t until a series of terror attacks occur on U.S. soil that Stark snaps back into action. Remember the Ten Rings? Well, they had a new leader called “The Mandarin”, a weird, pseudo-enigmatic man who looked like a Middle Eastern Fu Man Chu. He had a personal vendetta, it seems, against anything that represented America. After the Ten Rings hit the Chinese Theater in Hollywood, critically injuring his old friend and former bodyguard, Happy Hogan, Stark publicly threatens The Mandarin on live television out of blind anger, causing the Mandarin to send some troops to Stark’s Malibu mansion, via fully-loaded gunships.
LET ME GUESS: he lives?
Yeah. Well, he nearly perishes in the attack. Stark manages to use his brand-new Mark XLII (That’s “42” for those of you who live in modern times — and, yes, he created 42 different suits) to take out two of the three gunships before the third sent Stark and a most of his mansion into the Pacific Ocean. Stark barely survives the attack but ends up getting knocked out. J.A.R.V.I.S., his A.I., flies the suit out of the water (containing the unconscious Stark) and halfway across the country before they run out of energy and crash-land in Tennessee. It’s here that Stark realizes that The Mandarin’s people believe him to be dead — so he goes undercover in a nearby town to investigate a similar attack and eventually discovers that the attacks are being instigated by a man named Aldridge Killian — and they aren’t “attacks”. It seems Killian has been experimenting with “Extremis”, an experimental drug capable of healing any wound and regenerating limbs in minutes. The problem? Two-fold: he’s been testing it on amputee war veterans and the drug doesn’t meld with many of them. The ones who can’t handle the drug are like walking bombs and explode if they panic. He even makes it personal by kidnapping Pepper Potts with the stuff.
Ok. Even I want this guy dead now! tell me he dies a terrible death…MAKE WITH THE DEATH!
Well, essentially, Stark uncovers Killian’s plot: The Mandarin is an actor, a complete fake, the “face of fear” as it were, and Killian intends to do away with the current President, which will allow the corrupt Vice-President to step in (Killian promised to cure his daughter with Extremis) and become Killian’s puppet. With control of both the President and the Mandarin persona, Killian would be able to manipulate global conflict for profit. That’s why Rhodes and Stark utilize all 42 Iron Man suits against Killian and his Extremis goons. When the fight comes down to Stark and Killian, Killian ends up killing Pepper…only to see Extremis work its magic and bring her back from the dead. She ends up destroying Killian. She panics about what she’s become — but Stark, being the genius he is, figures out the chemistry of Extremis and manages to stabilize Pepper’s condition — then uses Extremis to finally remove the shrapnel nearing his heart, as well as the Arc Reactor…
What? Wait…why would he do that?
I have no idea. That’s where we’re currently at.
So what’s next in age of ultron?
Welp…whereas Stark is a genius, the “reckless” part of him is what causes the crisis the Avengers battle through in the new film. Stark feels as though the Avengers are weary from battle and, in order to give them all a break, he invents a legion of remote-controlled robots — except one of them becomes self-aware — and he’s not happy with the team. This will obviously put Iron Man at odds with an already fed-up Captain America, which will obviously lead to the events in the next Captain America installment.
Relevant people:
Pepper Potts: Tony’s never-fail assistant who puts up with Tony’s shenanigans, rain or shine, better or worse.
Howard Stark: Tony’s father who, despite his genius, had a very strained relationship with his son.
Lt. Col. James “Rhodey” Rhodes: Tony’s BFF and main connection to the American military mind. Rhodes is also “War Machine”, donning a modified version of Tony’s Mark II suit.
J.A.R.V.I.S.: The name of the A.I. who assists Tony where ever he goes. J.A.R.V.I.S. is available in nearly every piece of hardware Tony has including his car, his phone and his suits. He’s based on the Stark Family butler, Edwin Jarvis.
Ho Yinsen: A brilliant surgeon who Tony first met at a New Year’s Eve tech conference in 1999. Tony, who was too drunk at the time to remember it, would meet him again, years later, in Afghanistan under unfortunate circumstances. Yinsen was instrumental in keeping Tony alive after his capture and helping him to build the mini-version of the Arc Reactor. He died during Tony’s successful escape attempt.
Ivan Vanko/Whiplash: Disgruntled son of the late Anton Vanko, who helped Howard construct the original Arc Reactor during the beginning of the Cold War before Howard had him deported on suspicion of espionage. Vanko wanted revenge against Tony for Howard’s perceived misdeeds against his father, Anton.
Maya Hansen: The inventor of “Extremis”, the experimental drug that can heal wounds and regenerate severed limbs. Hansen met her demise at the hands of Aldridge Killian but it’s assumed that her work on the drug has been improved upon by Tony Stark. The drug is a fairly large plot point in Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..
Want more than movies? Need to pump some artistic iron? Check out these comics:
Say, ‘member when we reported that the Batman v Superman trailer would be premiering Monday at select IMAX Theaters nationwide?
Never underestimate the shifty (yet ballsy) guy with the camcorder that nobody ever seems to catch.
The trailer has yet to launch online or anywhere else, but we have it in all its dark, dirty, sinful, BitTorrenty glory.
The mood of the trailer is the same dark, gritty tone Snyder established in Watchmen. You can clearly hear that the media is hellbent on smearing Superman while Batman is fed up with him for some reason. Also, Batman sounds like Dr. Claw and…personally, the trailer left me feeling severely underwhelmed.
That isn’t a good feeling to have with a film with so much hype and expectations that are sky-high.
You might feel differently.
We’d advise you to hurry and view it, though. These kinds of things never last more than a few hours at most.
Louie Season 5, Episode 2, “À la Carte” Air date: April 16, 2015 Grade: B-
Louie hosts an open mic night, asks Pamela to move in, and has to poop really, really badly. The episode title references both Louie’s conversation with Pamela and the episode’s loose structure of unrelated storylines. One could argue that the three subplots are vaguely connected by ideas about choice (or the refusal thereof)–Louie won’t poop in public restrooms, aspiring comedian Bart Folding stubbornly pursues stand up despite not being funny, and Pamela makes an argument for an open-ended relationship. Overall though, “À la Carte” isn’t particularly cohesive, but there are plenty of laughs and we get a bit more insight into Louie’s ongoing relationship with Pamela.
The cold opening with Louie’s unexpected bathroom emergency might be the single most tragic scene ever depicted on television. What starts as a simple trip to the grocery store turns into a tense race home to use the bathroom (he refuses to use a public bathroom). His plight is painful and pathetic–his children first snicker behind him, but they too are soon swept up in his desperation as his suffering grows more apparent. Jane in particular is great here as she escalates the scene into a life or death struggle; first seeking help from a police officer and then being dragged away crying by Lily when Louie realizes that he isn’t going to make it. Louie deserves an award for taking toilet humor to such a sad, tragically hilarious place.
Louie also goes on a date with Pamela and brings up the idea of moving in together, which she immediately dismisses. The logical “next step of the relationship” conversation is common in many sitcoms, but it’s subverted in a way here, since Pamela’s appeal for fun and freedom without following the “natural” course of relationships leads instead to them agreeing to an open relationship. Pamela’s has the best reactions and one-liners as always; after making a long argument, Louie asks whether she’s been sleeping with someone else, and she delivers in perfect deadpan: “… That’s what he hears.” Later on Louie also has a fantasy of a woman at another table having cheese grated on her cleavage, which is both amusing and pathetic in its banality.
Pamela has always been a fantastic foil for Louie, and their relationship has been one of the show’s strongest storylines. They’re in a similar position in their lives–middle-aged, divorced, parents–but have two somewhat opposed viewpoints on their relationship, despite undeniably loving each other. Louie seeks comfort in the certainty and stability of a more traditional relationship, while Pamela revels in the simplicity and fun of merely spending time together. Both are natural and equally compelling desires for anyone hurt by past relationships, and Louie provides a nuanced, grounded depiction of their relationship without offering any clear answers.
“Don’t look at me! I love you!”
“What’s funny to you?” “Buster Keaton, Lucille Ball.”
There’s a bit of humor that references last season’s extended flashback arc: Louie starts telling a story about his childhood, but the flashback is quickly dismissed by a bored and impatient Pamela.
“Didn’t we learn anything? … There’s more than one way to be together. Do all roads need to lead to ruin?”
“You’re going to find somebody else and I’m going to lose you.” ”But stupid, you don’t have me. We’re just closer than we were before. I’m not yours and you’re not mine.”
After months of tiny reveals, such as WWE’s Roman Reigns Jason Momoa being cast as Aquaman and Jen being all like:
And Keith learning that Ben Affleck was cast as Batman and being all like:
We finally got ourselves a teaser trailer for Zack Snyder’s upcoming Batman v Superman – Dawn of Justice.
Kind of.
At around 7 PM PST / 10 PM EST (and, hell, 4 PM Hawaii Time, since they don’t get much play when it comes to articles that drop time zones like Cronkite), Director Zack Snyder reported that theater venues featuring IMAX auditoriums would be allowing groups of fans to see the official trailer on Monday.
He also included a teaser…for the trailer. Yes, the latest thing Hollywood expects us to be OK with: the cinematic equivalent of your Mom allowing you to lick brownie batter off her mixing whisk and then telling you to get the hell out of the kitchen.
As you can see, it’s only twenty seconds long and features two images…but we’re lucky we got anything — and that it was in color and not run through Snyder’s endless Instagram filter like all the other publicity shots we’ve gotten.
But, now you can join me in being all like:
Batman v Superman – Dawn of Justice is scheduled to be released March 25, 2016.
This is the question that’s been rattling around in my mind since watching the most recent episode, and I’m wondering what y’all think? Does Philip (Matthew Rhys) really trust her enough to show her his real appearance or is it some kind of romantic goodbye gesture since she’s clearly falling apart under the pressure at the FBI?
I’m not sure when or how I became so attached to silly little Martha (I suspect it’s her sweet cluelessness and loyalty – she’s like a puppy) but if he kills her it’s going to kill me. And I suspect push Philip over the edge, as well.
A lot of plotlines are making their way to the proverbial fan this week in the buildup for the finale, which is going to have to really focus in order to bring Season 3 to a satisfying conclusion. We know already that Stan (Noah Emmerich) is starting to suspect that Martha (Alison Wright) is the one who put the bugged pen into their boss’s office, and when he visits her at home – unannounced and without real purpose – Martha starts to believe everyone knows what she did. There’s no way she’s going to be able to hold it together at the office going forward and after a tearful call to her parents, decides to take her vacation days.
Worst decision ever, but the scenes this week serve as potent reminds for us (and the other characters) that Martha isn’t a spy. She’s not trained, she’s not battle-tested, and she’s about to blow their entire operation.
There are two other operations that move slightly forward this week, as well. The Northrup angle Elizabeth (Keri Russell) has been running with Lisa, her pal from AA, ramps up as her jackass husband inserts his controlling nose into their business. Lisa (Karen Pittman) has a high clearance at a plant that has a government aviation contract and Elizabeth has been looking to gain access to blueprints, photos, and anything else they can regarding developing stealth technology. Things took a quick (and advantageous) turn last week when Lisa’s husband said his wife would start spying in return for cold, hard cash. This week she took photos, but when her husband showed up to turn them over to Elizabeth, I definitely sensed trouble a-brewing. He’s one character I’ll happily watch her dismember, because he really sucks as a person.
A few weeks ago, Gabriel (Frank Langella) asked the Jennings’s to find a way into the Afghani delegation that was sent to the US to engage in diplomatic negotiations. In this episode, they found an avenue to get to one of the three men (the one who is apparently a crazy mofo who embraces jihad and enjoys disemboweling Russian boys that remind Philip of his son), and convince him to murder the other two men in his party. I’m not exactly sure yet what the end game is of this operation, but I’m guessing that if Philip has anything to say about it, crazy murderer man will get what’s coming to him. To be honest, I’m not going to feel all that bad about it, either.
At home, the situation with Paige (Holly Taylor) is also starting to spiral out of control. She’s coming unraveled as fast as Martha and putting everyone on edge with his she refuses to keep her voice down when she’s pitching a fit about how nothing in her life is real. I appreciate the fact that she’s acting like a normal teenager in response to the information about her parents and obviously they’re not going to kill HER, but sheesh. The girl needs to work on reigning it in and regaining some common sense.
Elizabeth has decided she is going to try to sneak home to Russia in order to see her mother one last time and invited Paige to go with her. I wonder if, when they return, she’ll be ready to jump into the KGB with both feet. Somehow, that seems doubtful.
Next week is the finale, so I’m guessing we’ll be getting a few answers and a whole slew of new questions to tide us over until next fall (gah! so far away!) but for now, I really want to know what YOU think about Philip killing Martha…will he or won’t he? Take the poll below!
Will Philip kill Martha in the Season 3 finale of The Americans?
Season 3, Episode 12 of The Americans, “I am Abassin Zadran” aired Wednesday April 15th, 2015 at 10/9c.
In 2010, Nicholas Sparks did an interview with USAToday in which he declared that he does not write romance novels. While this is technically true (for those of you not in the biz, as they say, a romance novel has a specific formula that MUST include a happily-ever-after, which we all know Sparks’s characters rarely get), the condescending tone in which the statement came across angered many people – mostly writers, specifically romance writers. Obviously his career hasn’t exactly taken a hit, and at this point I doubt he cares whether he’s ostracized from the community, but HOLD THE PRESSES BECAUSE I FINALLY SAW THE LONGEST RIDE.
Sparks may need to amend that statement, because the film version (and I googled to make sure they hadn’t altered from the source material on the salient points) is not only a solid romance novel, but a textbook one.
Here’s a brief rundown: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl spend a little time worrying about how wrong they are for each other/how bad the timing is/that they’ll probably get hurt or hurt the other person but can’t help falling in love. There’s a secret on at least one of their parts. The barriers to a lasting relationship rear their ugly head in the form of a “black moment” that tests the character’s relationship in a big way before the reconcile for the requisite HEA (Happily-Ever-After).
Which brings me to this regrettably delayed review of the movie, which was, I have to admit, a pleasant surprise.
Sophia Danko is a few months away from college graduation and has scored the internship she’s always dreamed of at a major art gallery in New York City. She’s from New Jersey and has always dreamed of working in the art world, so leaving the quiet beauty of North Carolina seems like a no-brainer.
Until she meets Luke Collins at a bar after a bull-riding event her sorority sisters dragged her to earlier in the night. The two of them hit it off, have the requisite Southern boy-Northern girl banter, he calls, she avoids it because, in her words, “what’s the point?”
The point, as her roommate articulates, is to have a fling with a hot cowboy. God Bless America.
They go on a date, sparks fly, and by the end of the night they’re both sorry when she tells him about her plans to leave the state in a few short weeks. He’s a professional bull rider, one of the best on the circuit, and has his mother and their failing ranch to think about, to boot.
Luke’s driving Sophia home when they spot a car that’s gone off the road and pull over to help – an act of goodwill that changes both of their lives (and the story) forever. They pull Ira Levinson from the wreckage along with a mysterious box he’s attached to and take him to the hospital. Sophia decides to wait and see how he is and ends up snooping, finding letter after letter written from the elderly Ira to a woman named Ruth.
Sophia and Ira strike up a friendship and she begins to visit, reading letters that chronicle their life together. It’s never actually explained WHY he writes these letters but it’s a small quibble overall, since they work as a plot device very well.
We meet a young Ira and Ruth during a time in their lives that mirrors Luke and Sophia – meeting, realizing there’s something special between them, falling in love – and follow their relationship through the euphoric highs as the Sophia and Luke start seeing each other despite the coming potholes. They’re always together, they’re constantly naked and staring at each other, Sophia tries her best to fit into his ranch/bull riding lifestyle with varying success.
They hit a minor stumble when he attends a gallery showing and it becomes painfully clear that no matter how much he loves her, Luke is never going to fit into a fancy Manhattan life.
The letters from ira to Ruth turn sad. He goes to war, comes back changed in a way that affects them both (no spoilers) and they begin to ask themselves if the love they have for each other is enough. If it’s worth it.
Luke, like all good romance heroes, has a secret. He was badly injured bull riding the previous year and has been warned by doctors (repeatedly) to quit or die. Bull riding is dangerous on a good day, but for Luke, continuing means certain death at some point in the not-too-far-away future. He blames continuing on his need to support his widowed mother, but she’s begged him to stop every day.
I think it’s more a matter of taking a look at something that’s been a part of your life for as long as you can remember and figuring out how to live without it.
Luke’s not willing to do that, not even when Sophia gives up her internship in NYC to figure out where things could go with her boyfriend, since (duh!) she’s never felt this way about anyone. The two of them breakup, and when Sophia goes to Ira, he tells her the bittersweet ending of his own love story with Ruth. Ira comes to the central point of the movie, which is that “Love requires sacrifice. Always.”
Sophia has done her part, has sacrificed, but Luke doesn’t come to his senses until after Ira has passed. The two of them end up at his estate auction, which includes priceless artwork that he and his wife collected all of their lives.
I won’t spoil the ending except to tell you that if you’re worried this is another Sparks Sobfest because of a tragic ending, it’s not. There is a HEA for Luke and Sophia (not as hard-earned as it might be).
There are tears. I am a sucker for old people and Alan Alda is fantastic as the aged Ira. The actors who play the young Ira (Jack Huston) and Ruth (Oona Chaplin) are downright adorable and dove straight into my heart. Britt Robertson and Scott Eastwood have equally good chemistry in the lead roles, and despite some rough moments on Eastwood’s part as far as craft, I bought into the two of them and their love story without hesitation.
The Longest Ride is predictable, it’s overly sweet, there are plot points that aren’t explained when they should be, but like I said above, none of that is worth quibbling over. At this point, we all know what we’re getting when we sit down to watch a Nicholas Sparks adaptation and this one delivers on its promises and then some.
Last week I ranked Nicholas Sparks’s films from worst to best, and would definitely put this one solidly in the middle (between Nights in Rodanthe and Safe Haven) – it’s the best one he’s done since Dear John, no contest, and if you’re a fan of romance, happy endings, hot guys with killer abs (did I not mention that earlier?), and a few well placed tears, The Longest Ride isn’t going to disappoint.
Well, kids, here we are in Week 5 of everyone’s favorite Mirror-Ball Trophy Cheese-fest, and this week is the ever-annoying (I mean …. wonderful) Disney week. Each couple gets assigned a famous Disney song and characters, and then they dance with animated live characters as part of their weird acid-trip routines. To start things off, the show chose THE most obnoxious and annoying Disney song of all-time to get into our heads forever and ever – “It’s A Small World After All.” Yes, the pro dancers and animated figures, plus Tinkerbell, did a lovely ballroom dance to this classic, which I still have nightmares about from when I was around 12 years old and got STUCK inside the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World in Florida, and this song played on repeat about 173 times in a row – in the dark. It was a good 20 minutes or so before they fixed the ride and it began moving again, but now I’m 43 and I still think about the horrors of that terrible day. nobody should have to hear that creepy song that many times in one sitting – or one lifetime. Anyway, maybe it’s just me. Here we go with the Disney madness from this week’s festivities ….
Suzanne / Tony: They danced Jazz to a number from Lady and the Tramp. During rehearsal footage, Suzanne doesn’t think she can do this anymore. She tells Tony that it’s too hard and that she isn’t any good at it. She is really down on herself and he gives her a great pep talk, telling her that what she is doing is amazing and not to compare herself to the other dancers on the show. Their routine is great, and her black shiny dress is gorgeous. There was a moment where her heel got caught on her dress, but she kept up the timing of the number and didn’t seem to let it affect things. Julianne: “Your best dance.” Bruno had lobster-red face (what the hell happened to his face???) as he stood up and screamed his usual nonsense into the air. And then this funny exchange happened:
Carrie Anne: So your heel got caught in your dress. It’s happened to all of us.
Tom Bergeron: It happened to Bruno!
Scores were all sevens, which I felt was a bit low. It wasn’t her fault that her heel got caught. Why take points off for that? I do feel as if they score this pair a bit too low at times. Last week she deserved eights after their praise in comments and she still got all sevens.
Robert / Kym: So how long until these two officially hook up and become a couple? They are pretty damn cute together, and the camera keeps catching these little moments of them being pretty intimate – lots of holding each other and hugging , and him calling her “baby.” Hmmmm …. They danced the Quickstep, to “Step In Time” from Mary Poppins. Kym glided in from the sky with her umbrella in true Poppins fashino, and he danced the entire thing with that silly slapped on “Guy Smiley” face that he has. The judges were quite harsh with their comments. Julianne: “Your steps were not so in time.” Carrie Ann tried to make a joke with the lyrics from a Poppins song, and failed miserably. She just isn’t funny at all, except when she isn’t trying to be. “Chim chim a ree, chim chim a ree, chim chim cha BOO!!!!” Nobody laughed. Crickets. Bruno’s comment was the funniest, as he tried his best to keep things positive. “In your own world, you were in time, and everybody else was off!” Scores were low at 6/6/6/6.
Farmer Snooze / Witney: Oh boy. This was bound to happen sooner or later. The “Bachelor’ is finally starting to go off the rails and show his true colors, how he acts when extremely out of his element (the stupid farm, which is pretty much his only element) and extremely stressed. During rehearsal footage, when Witney was trying to teach a new series of steps to Corn-Husk-for Brains, he couldn’t handle it and freaked out on her. When she insisted that he could do it and was trying to pep-talk him in a positive way, he snapped: “Don’t argue with me. I’m telling you what it is, and I can’t do any better. It’s not new to you. Clearly. Youre a professional. I cant do it your way. So stop it. Stop it.” Witney went in the other room and began crying, saying that he made her feel like she “is a bad coach.” When she came back out, he apologized in the most lame and non-sincere way possible, with a weak and half-assed, one word “Sorry.” Who’s taking bets on how many weeks it will be until the other Whitney, the one who is in the audience and has agreed to marry this doofus, changes her mind and says: “Wait – I was gonna live on a farm in Bumf**k, Iowa for my life??? I don’t think so!!!” Look, I realize that everyone has bad days and sometimes under the stress of this show, the dancers snap at one another. But something about this felt like “underlying red flag” to me – like this is the real dude that is hiding underneath the blandness. The way he said it, it had such a tone of disrespect toward her, and such a “me man – you woman – stay in your place” type vibe. If he can act that way with cameras rolling, how will he be to live with on some random out of nowhere farm in Iowa where there are NO OTHER HUMANS besides him and Whitney with an H? Anyway …
They danced the Quickstep, and he played the role of Hercules, ironically enough. But before all that, and after the rehearsal theatrics, we then got to see what a bad actor this dude is too. It was like bonus comedy! When they were rehearsing on the dance floor itself, hours before the show aired, Tractor Brain “fell” on his ankle or his foot or his toe, or something …. it was hard to say , what with all the over-acting that was happening. “Ow! Oh no! Ow!!! Oh god! Oh gosh!!! Ouch!!!” He whined and whined, and then told Witney he wasnt sure if he could do it. Dude, man up! Noah has ONE LEG, and you don’t hear him whining – ever. Get off your ass and dance, Farmboy. So he did. And the judges liked him, other than pretty much everyone telling him that he has zero musicality and can’t even clap to the music like a human. Scores were 7/6/7/7.
Patti / Artem: Now, Patti also has an ongoing injury in her knee, and this week it was really bothering her. She didn’t whine about it though – but she was really worried that it would maybe give out on her during the dance. She iced it, she stayed off it, and her partner was so loving in how he dealt with her and her injury. She was crying during rehearsals because she didn’t want to let her partner down, and he told her that wasn’t possible. They did a Waltz to “When You Wish Upon A Star” and it was very pretty. Nice to see Patti slow down some and do a gorgeous dance. Her yellow dress was one of my favorite costumes of the night also. Carrie Anne called it a “soft smooth lullabye”, and Bruno said it was “warm and lovely.” When Erin Andrews asked her about her knee injury backstage, her response was awesome and just made Farmer Zzzzz look even more lame. “Let’s get real”, she said. “Noah has one leg, okay? The knee thing is no big deal. It really isn’t. ” I love Patti and her attitude and dedication. Scores were 7/6/7/7.
Willow / Mark: Their Foxtrot was to Alice in Wonderland, and Mark played perhaps the creepiest rabbit I have ever seen in my life. Now my “It’s a Small World” nightmares are going to be replaced with his awful and scary rabbit costume. Despite that, it was a super fun dance and I really like her. Len said “you went from Hunger Games to Fun and Games!”, whatever that means. Take your meds, Len. Julianne said it had “great execution.” Scores were 8/8/9/9.
Noah / Sharna: They did a Foxtrot to Aladdin “A Whole New World.” He entered the dance floor from the sky also, on the magic carpet. She is so good at creating choreography that works best with his challenges, and HE is so good at accepting those challenges and going out and kicking ass anyway. He is a pretty awesome, inspirational dude. During rehearsals, he was worried and a bit down on himself because of his limitations with bending for this dance. He was afraid that because he can’t bend at the knee with the prosthetic, it would affect the rise and fall of a Foxtrot. I loved Sharna’s response to him, which was basically “stop looking at your lower half. You can’t change that. You can’t do anything about that. Focus on what you’re doing with your frame and the rest of the dance, and everyone else will focus there too.” Then she added: “I’m supposed to be the princess in this dance, not you. Suck it up, princess.” He laughed, and they had a nice moment. Their dance was beautifully done. Scores were 7/7/7/7.
Riker / Allison: They did the Paso Doble to PIrates of the Caribbean, which of course, just happens to be Riker’s favorite movie and he knows every line by heart and is in love with being Jack Sparrow. He talked like Sparrow through the whole rehearsal, and even backstage afterwards. It was a little bit weird. He did a great dance and the judges loved it, so there goes my hopes of him going home next week. But hopefully Farmer Douchebag will go home instead. Horny Carrie Anne completely flipped out at the dance. “That was the best, ever, ever, ever, EVER!!!!! That was BEAST!!!!” And then she just kept yammering on and on as Bergeron moved on to the next comment. Bruno called it “mad and wonderful!”, and Len fell asleep head-first into his bowl of Cream of Wheat. Scores were 10/9/9/10.
Rumer / Val: They got assigned The Little Mermaid but Rumer requested to play Ursula, the villian, instead of the mermaid. So she did, and it was awesome. Her skin was dyed all purple-ish and Val’s was all green since he was the eel – they both looked freaky as hell and it was effective. Bruce and Demi were once again in the crowd, although not ever sitting together. Their dance to the great powerful song “Poor Unfortunate Souls” was fierce, fast, and wonderful. Horny Carrie Anne said “It turned me on!!!” Ummm … WHAT??? Relax, lady. Len called Rumer a fantastic dancer, then pooped his Depends. Scores were 10/9/10/10.
Nastia / Derek: Another great dance. This one was just beyond adorable, to the song “Love is An Open Door” from Frozen. It was a jazz routine, and the choreography included hand movements and some very modern hip-hop type stuff. Total blast to watch, as these two always are. Scores were 9/9/10/10.
GOING HOME: Suzanne and Tony. A bit disappointing, as I liked her and thought she did a really good job, and maybe deserved to stay a bit longer than a couple of the others. Suzanne praised Tony as a coach and person, and left America with this message: “I think all older women should be on hormones!!!”
Well alrighty then.
NEXT WEEK: Witney gets a hold of Suzanne’s hormones and takes too many, then screams at Farmer Boy, putting him in his place. All the world rejoices. Len takes a nap.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe is about as incestuous as a Targaryen dinner party, so when a film as large as Avengers: Age of Ultron comes around it can be difficult to remember which face goes with which butt suit.
That’s where we come in. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until the release of the film, we’ll be giving you primers on all the major players.
First up: Captain America
Obviously this post is going to have spoilers from Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers, and Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
Captain America: Who’s he again?
I think this should be obvious but just in case, he’s the one bedazzled in red, white, and blue. You know, like America.
Born Steve Rogers, Captain America was originally a skinny little nobody. With the ferocity (and size) of a chihuahua, Steve repeatedly tried to join the war efforts during World War II, but unsurprisingly was turned down because of his size. Seeing Steve’s tenacity and need to save others, Dr. Abraham Erskine recruited Steve into the Strategic Scientific Reserve. Long story short, Steve was injected a serum of Dr. Erskine’s creation and then dosed by Howard Stark’s (yep, that smarmy dude’s dad) vita-rays and voila! He became all big and bad. (Or a “super-soldier” as they say.) With the help of Peggy Carter and the Howling Commandos, Captain America fought Red Skull and his terrorist friends at Hydra, who wanted to take away freedom and ice cream. Eventually, Cap foils their anti-dairy plot and removes the powerful Tesseract from Red Skull’s hands, but has to go down with the ship, miraculously landing in the Arctic where he was frozen for 70 years. At the end of First Avenger, Steve is in modern day New York city.
Okay, cool. Zero to hero, saved the world from nazis, blah blah, got it. What next?
In The Avengers, Captain America reluctantly joins S.H.I.E.L.D. with the likes of Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, and Hawkeye–basically all those people we’re trying to cover to give you a head start. Things go awry, the Avengers can’t get along, and Loki (the dude with the horns) releases an army of Chitauri (aliens) on New York City. After nearly leveling the city to the ground (the Avengers are more destructive than the bad guys), the group is victorious and later eat at a shawarma restaurant. Good times had by all. Well, except the people who actually lived in NYC at the time.
Alright, saved the world from aliens and fights for truth, justice, and all that jazz. Anything else?
In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Cap is still skeptical of his relationship with S.H.I.E.L.D. because of their secrets, and secrets get people killed. In a shocking turn of events that is not at all foreshadowed by Cap’s earlier judgment of the agency, S.H.I.E.L.D. gets fooled by Hydra’s long con and is infiltrated, leaving Cap, Black Widow, Nick Fury, and newbie Falcon to weed out the bad guys and stop them from using the fancy new helicarriers to kill millions of people. New to the game is the Winter Soldier, a creepy-looking guy with a robotic arm, and the only person able to stop Cap’s shield. All of this is orchestrated by Arnim Zola, a scientist who worked for Red Skull back in Cap’s original time. A few smashed computers and broken wings later, Cap and Co. stop the helicarriers from all that murderin’ and Cap yet again goes down with the ship. He is saved by the Winter Soldier who is actually his thought-to-be-dead best friend, Bucky Barnes.
What’s in store for Cap in Age of Ultron and beyond?
Tony Stark and Steve Rogers don’t exactly have the most touchy-feely relationship of the bunch. They argue as much as humanly possible and this will have consequences. Cap, as we saw in Winter Soldier wants transparency and Iron Man just wants to keep the world safe, by any means necessary. The latter’s ideals are what creates Ultron, throwing the world into chaos. After that, Tony and Steve just aren’t the same, which leads us to Civil, civil war, y’all. It isn’t known yet what plot Civil War will follow, if it will be solely about the events from Age of Ultron or if more of the politics from the comics will come into play. Either way, Captain America and Iron Man are gonna throw down.
Relevant people:
Peggy Carter: British army agent, love interest, founder of S.H.I.E.L.D. (She can also be found on ABC’s Agent Carter.)
Red Skull: Gruesome WWII baddie who tries to the steal the Tesseract and use it’s powers to recreate the world into one of his liking. He fails.
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Started the whole she-bang with Steve, recruiting him into the SSR, and creating the super-serum.
Howard Stark: Tony’s daddy and creator the vita-rays that turned Steve into Cap.
Arnim Zola: Weasel of a scientist who serves Hydra and is responsible for the infiltration of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s security in Winter Soldier.
Bucky Barnes: BFF turned mechanized enemy. He’s not really a bad guy, even though he kills a lot of people.
Sam Wilson (Falcon): Slow runner, uses Red Bull to give himself wings, and is loyal to Cap. See in Winter Soldier.
Want more than movies to sate your Captain needs? Check out these comics:
Filming is currently underway in New York City for Marvel’s next Netflix series A.K.A. Jessica Jones and set pictures are popping up of Krysten Ritter (Jessica Jones), David Tennant (Zebediah Killgrave/The Purple Man) and Mike Colter (Luke Cage).
While there is no release date yet, here’s Netflix’s official synopsis:
Working as a private investigator in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen, a troubled ex-superhero’s past comes back to haunt her in the live-action series, “Marvel’s A.K.A. Jessica Jones.”
Coming off the binge-watch high of Daredevil we can hardly wait for this series to come out!
Ever since our first introduction to Melinda May in last year’s Agents of SHIELD pilot, the character has been somewhat of an enigma — a person we’ve struggled to peel back the layers of and figure out. Even though “Melinda” only showed us a small fragment of May’s personal life (albeit one that had a huge impact) we know there’s still more we can learn. But this episode shone a light onto the character in a way that we haven’t previously seen, and thanks to the amazing talents of Ming-Na and the writing staff, it delivered.
For starters, seven years ago, May was a very different person. She was happily married. (Hi, Andrew!) She was enjoying life. She was looking forward (and trying) to starting a family. She had a close working relationship with Coulson. (The timeline for this is unclear – if the Marvel Cinematic Universe happens in real time, which is how it’s been more or less explained, then 2015 would mark around three-ish years since the events of Avengers and Coulson’s death. This could and is probably well before that, but Coulson talks about Fury wanting to start a team — a “new initiative,” which makes it sound like he wants to start what Coulson assembles as his primary team. It’s possible that this was in the works before New York, and then it picked up again after everything happened and after he came back to life. But there’s really no clarification on how these events match up to what we know has happened in the shows and movies.)
In any case, we’ll put the timeline rant aside for a bit, because May joins Coulson on a mission that involves a “gifted individual.” The index candidate is a Russian woman named Eva Belyakov, who possesses enhanced strength, and S.H.I.E.L.D. wants to take her in. Only problem is, they want to do it stealthily, for obvious reasons. Coulson is briefed about making sure she cooperates. If she doesn’t? “Call in the Cavalry.” We now know “The Cavalry” to be Agent May, but in this case, it’s an entire team of agents. Chew on that. Also?
Welcome to Bahrain.
Coulson and May arrive at a black market and find that their target is already meeting with someone. Coulson starts his pitch to bring her in, which goes just about as well as you’d expect. (Maybe he needs to take some lessons from a certain ex-carnie archer.) May manages to catch both a child running and a man coming at the child with a gun and everything goes to chaos. The child is taken hostage, and Eva disappears.
Coulson and his team figure out where the man is hiding out and when things start to go south, Coulson wants to send May in, despite not being authorized. May ends up going in anyway, but not before getting some advice from Andrew, when she calls him asking how to deal with what she knows is probably the scared child she probably has to save. I loved this scene, and I really love the chemistry of these two actors together. I’m so glad we got Andrew back for a bit.
Back in the present, Bobbi and May have a chat about powered people, and about Coulson’s true motives. May wants to take charge of the base and agrees to talk to Coulson, but wants to do it her way — and peacefully. Bobbi at least agrees to that, and it’s nice to have more evidence of Bobbi truly being on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s good side. Bobbi calls May out for being hurt about not knowing that Coulson was working with Peterson, and the two have an amicable chat about their loyalties. Bobbi does want to build S.H.I.E.L.D. back up, but May feels frustrated. “You’re worried I don’t understand your choice,” she tells Bobbi of picking Gonzales’ side over Coulson’s. “Sometimes the price of doing the right thing is that no one will understand.” Bahrain, much? At least we’re starting to understand where she’s coming from. The episode really did a wonderful job at bridging the important parts of May’s flashbacks to her decisions in the present, giving us a clearer understanding of her thoughts.
At “afterlife,” Gordon is trying to help Raina as best he can. She’s not being very compliant, though. She hates her face, she’s tired of being chained and hidden away, and feels spiteful for Skye, who got the better end of the deal with her powers and changes. Meanwhile, Skye and her mom (though she’s not yet aware that’s who Jiaying is) talk about her time as S.H.I.E.L.D., and her powers. Jiaying encourages her to try controlling them again, and not to be afraid of what can happen if she pushes too far. You know the saying “you can move mountains?” Well, Skye literally moves a mountain (okay, she makes an avalanche happen, but close enough) with her mom’s help.
Skye ends up asking Lincoln about Jiaying’s role, but all Lincoln will tell her is that she’s “in charge” and that she’s never trained people before — Skye’s the first person to get that honor. It’s enough at least to convince Skye to continue her lessons, this time using glasses filled with water that she tries to make vibrate. (She pretty much almost gets it, and it still earns her praise, so points for Skye!) Everything is going well — too well, essentially. Because Skye’s never really had a home before, except for S.H.I.E.L.D., and everyone has always shipped her off every time she’s gotten comfortable somewhere. What follows is basically an open letter of Skye’s emotional state over never belonging to anyone…she doesn’t even know her own birthday.
And then: “You were born on July 2.” It’s a nice way for Skye’s mom to reveal herself, before she tells her daughter that she hadn’t said anything because she wanted it to be Skye’s choice to go through the mist and accept her destiny. Skye is obviously overwhelmed, though shocked and happy, but Jiaying tells her they have to keep her identity a secret. Skye tries to understand why her mother runs things here the way she does, which leads Jiaying to tell her the story of Melinda May. And this is a really awesome sequence, where the past and present kind of collide in a way that absolutely fuels the story. I give kudos to whatever writer or director decided to frame the narrative in this way, because it absolutely truly worked.
Of course, Skye recognizes Bahrain and makes the connection the moment Jiaying starts telling her about the woman who fled after stealing the terrigan crystals. Between interspersed flashbacks, Skye struggles to comprehend this information, and we see May going in after Eva, who is apparently too powerful for her own good. The agents that have vanished, it turns out, are brainwashed by Eva’s powers. The two end up in an intense fight, which ends up with May getting shot in the leg, and damn, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is on point with all these fight scenes this season. May eventually gets the upper hand, though, and kills Eva — though she clearly doesn’t want to.
Via Jiaying’s narrative, we also learn that even though Eva was dead, the brainwashed soldiers weren’t snapping out of their trance — because Eva hadn’t stolen those crystals for herself. She had stolen them for her daughter, Katya, the little girl that May was trying to save. And once May realizes who the source of her conflict is, she knows she has no choice but to kill her.
The show could have made this moment simply about May killing a child, but instead, it went further, with Katya – clearly stuck in a mindset she wasn’t in control over – killing her mother. She tries to reach out to May as her new mother, and considering May’s thoughts and feelings about having a child, she’s not doing too well with this. May tries to talk the child down like Andrew told her, but to no avail. It was a profound, intense moment sold by Ming-Na Wen, as well as Clark Gregg, especially in the aftermath of the entire situation, and when Coulson finally makes it inside and finds May holding the dead girl in her arms.
It was “The Cavalry” that saved the agents that day, as the story goes, but really, it was just Agent May — one person who took down an entire army, a powered human, and a child. The aftermath of it shakes her to the core, and not only does she break down, but it’s the start of her descent into a very different person…the person we saw at the beginning of the series, who seemed emotionless. Indeed, the scene that we end on in May’s flashback is a mirror of how we began, right down to the morning routine, but entirely different. There’s no fun banter with Andrew this time, there’s no hope and no levity. There’s just pain and sadness.
As Skye’s mom finishes up her story, she eventually gets to her point: she runs things at “afterlife” this way because of the fact that a mother would do anything to protect her daughter. In that vein, she tries to get Skye to agree to one dinner with Cal, after which she promises she never has to see him again. Surprisingly, Skye accepts, and we get to see Cal’s attempt again as a father. (Don’t worry, he cleaned up nice.) He also tells her what her birthday is (1988, she’s 26, everyone!) and as they sit down together, Lincoln brings them dinner. And takes in the scene around him: Cal bringing Skye daisies, a happy family talking. He realizes it’s exactly the same thing Raina had said to him earlier in the episode. Seems like Raina didn’t just get thorns – she got the power to see the future, as well. And something tells me that’s going to be a very important and significant detail going forward.
Back to the other present timeline of our story: When May comes to Simmons, she alerts her that the thing she’s working on is actually Deathlok’s battery pack. Yeah, we didn’t know either. May is still trying desperately to believe in Coulson, but both she and Simmons are finding it incredibly hard to feel trustworthy, knowing what Coulson has been hiding. And Simmons is afraid of what else they’re going to find if they keep digging. There’s too much that they’re coming across — a secret life, secret files, secret meetings, even money stealing. Not to mention, apparently Coulson and Andrew have been consulting behind May’s back. May realizes that there’s a chance Coulson is building another base for powered people, that he wants to them them on the frontlines, but he wants to do it without telling anyone. She asks Simmons to open the toolbox. And, well…
As we know, that toolbox is with Fitz, who we see in our tag. He opens it in the bathroom, and it appears to be a bunch of holograms with information. So what does he do? He calls Hunter and Coulson, of course. “Would it still be okay if I came and hung out with you?”
Fitz, I think you’re going to get back in the field just fine.
Odds & Ends:
“S.H.I.E.L.D.’s putting every dime into the Triskellion.” I love when these little easter eggs are dropped.
Cal giving Skye daisies (Daisy Johnson, of course) was a nice touch.
Three championships in five years? I’m still buzzin’.
Anyhow, me and Danielle, we had a helluva party this afternoon. Great BBQ and beer and snacks.
Helluva thing.
Let’s get moving…
We are LIVE(!!!) from the O2 Arena in London, England for WWE RAW!!!
JBL, Booker and…MICHAEL FUCKING COLE?!? What the actual fuck? Can somebody tell me the name of the doctor he’s got?
JBL wants to know how his neck is and Cole says he’ll “get to that later” which is wrestling speak for “don’t you worry your pretty little head”.
He shows us a Mac OS X slideshow of London as if Big Ben and the Parliament are right outside.
John Cena starts us out. London hates him. So Cena does his best to suck up. He says that London deserves WrestleMania. “London” agrees. He tells everyone that it’s The Authority’s choice. They chose to make everyone wait. He puts out another challenge for the United States Championship and…it’s Bad News Barrett out to a huge pop.
Barrett thanks London for their support and says it’s nice of them to cheer, but that he hasn’t done anything yet. He says, ideally, he should face Daniel Bryan for the IC Title, but he wants to beat Cena…TONIGHT!!!
THIS IMPORTANT TITLE DEFENSE IS COMING UP…uh…next, after Popeye’s introduces you to Ghost Pepper Lip Balm or something.
MATCH #1: John Cena (champion) vs. Bad News Barrett (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship Cena applies a headlock. Barrett breaks and kicks him out of the ring. Another Cena headlock. Barrett breaks and hits a big boot to the head. Two count. Cena hits Move #1 but misses #2. Barrett takes over, kneeing him in the gut, then booting him out of the ring. Barrett hits an elbow drop off the mat, then tosses Cena into the ring for two. Cena comes back with a dropkick and goes top rope with a Crossbody for two. He hits #3 and goes for the 5Ks…but Barrett rolls out of the ring. Cena chases but Barrett makes him eat the steel steps, then rolls him into the ring. Two count. Cena hits #3 and the 5Ks. He goes for the AA but Barrett kicks out and hits Winds of Change for a close fall. He puts Cena on the buckle. Cena goes for the Tornado DDT but Barrett lands on his feet and hits a suplex. Two count. Barrett hits a high kick. Two count. The two men get up and exchange BOO/YAY shots because it’s been SEVEN WHOLE GRUELING MINUTES. Barrett hits the AA and NEARLY gets a fall. He sets up the Bullhammer but Cena catches him and hits an AA — but only gets two. Cena goes for another AA but Barrett breaks and hits a Bullhammer and nearly gets a fall. Barrett tries another but misses and eats a Springboard Stunner and AA for the loss at 9:39. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: **. Once again, nobody believes Cena is gonna lose any of these matches. And, now, Barrett loses. In England. So, what makes us think anyone will beat Cena for the next few weeks?
Post-match, Lana comes out to say shit to Cena. Rusev attacks Cena, knocking him out, and the match at Extreme Rules will now be a “Russian Chain Match” which is Russian for “No-DQ with a chain”, I’m guessing.
TONIGHT: Randy Orton faces Cesaro while Dolph Ziggler jobs to faces Seth Rollins.
The Bella Twins are out for a match. We go to commercial.
NEXT WEEK: Triple H is gonna make a huge announcement about Tough Enough, a show nobody really cares about!
MATCH #2: Alicia Fox, Naomi, Summer Rae, Emma, Rosa Mendes, Cameron, Natalya & Paige in a Divas Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for the WWE Divas Championship Fuck, this is actually happening. And the Bellas are on commentary. I thought last week was a half-joke. Summer and Natalya are out first which makes no sense as Summer outlasts her. Anyhow, she gets dumped along with Rosa a few seconds later. Alicia fights with Summer and hits a lame Enzuguri to boot Summer. Fox and Cameron beat up Paige and try to dump her but Paige resists that. Naomi hits a Rear View on both women and they’re gone, too. Paige tries to eliminate Naomi but Naomi blocks and hits a high kick. Both end up near the ropes but Paige knees Naomi in the face/boobs/stomach from the outside ropes, which makes so much sense in a match where you’re supposed to avoid that area. Paige eventually just kinda boots Naomi out of the ring at 3:55 to win this “Battle Royal” and we’re done. WINNER: Paige
RATING: DUD. #StopPretendingWWEIsGivingDivasAChance
TONIGHT: Roman Reigns will talk about stuff for the first time since WrestleMania.
When we come back from break, Paige is still in the ring. Byron “I Announced RAW One Time” Saxton is with her. Paige is happy to have won in front of her home audience. Naomi attacks her and, suddenly, she’s a heel.
Bray Wyatt yacks about love and how fear is strong than love.
MATCH #3: The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor) vs. Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) The Ascension beat up on the hapless Sin Cara with tags back and forth. Sin Cara tries to escape Viktor and eventually makes a tag because Viktor and Konnor can’t keep Sin Cara in the corner. Kalisto comes in, does flippy shit and hits Salina Del Sol on Viktor while Sin Cara does a Flipping Reverse Senton to finish it at 2:17. WINNER: Lucha Dragons
RATING: n/a – Squash
MATCH #4: Randy Orton vs. Cesaro (w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya) Orton and Cesaro exchange headlocks after exchanging pedestrian moves. Cesaro breaks. Orton nearly hits the Elevated DDT but Tyson interferes and Orton wins at 2:25. Exciting, huh? WINNER: Randy Orton via DQ
RATING: DUD.
But hold on a second, player! Kane appears, post-match, and says that The Authority isn’t here tonight, ensuring that nobody’s gonna continue to tune in. He’s in charge and he can’t end the last match in a DQ. This match will re-start as a 2 on 1 Handicap Match.
MATCH #5: Randy Orton vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) (non-title) The two guys beat up Orton and we go to break because this match is pivotal, ya’ know? When we come back, Orton nearly hits a DDT but Tyson hits a NECKBREAKER OUTTA NOWHERE for two. The two team up on Orton and it’s a mean uppercut by Cesaro for Tyson for two. Tyson tags in but finally eats Orton’s VINTAGE DDT. He goes for an RKO but Cesaro pulls Tyson out of the ring. Orton chases them out of the ring but the two men gang up on him and Tyson knees him in the face. Orton gets rolled back into the ring. Tyson takes over after a two count. He tries a legdrop and misses. Cesaro runs in and attacks but Orton hits a powerslam in stride. Tyson flies at Orton from the top rope and he gets an RKO for his troubles. Orton wins at 9:15. WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO
RATING: DUD. Why didn’t they do this in the first place? We saw all of four minutes of this thing and it was disjointed and boring with two interruptions.
NEXT: Reigns talks!
Booker is running this interview, apparently. The London crowd hates him as Booker demands to know about his mental state. Reigns says he’s cool. He went to Suplex City, he felts it and survived it. He said he’d hit The Beast in the mouth and he did that. He says he could have beaten Brock if it wasn’t for Seth Rollins. He says that Big Show cost him a re-match at Extreme Rules because he’s Seth’s “giant bitch”. Big Show appears on the Jumbotron and says that Reigns is making excuses for his failures and then says that he’ll knock Reigns out himself. Reigns says he’s being threatened by “The Jumbotron” and he isn’t scared because Show can’t even come out to the ring. He says Show has no balls and he will be beaten. Reigns leaves and goes to the entrance ramp — and Show finally shows up to kick the crap out of him, tossing him into the electric signage and into the car sitting on the ramp. The beating takes forever as Show Chokeslams him on top of the car. Can’t wait to see this at Extreme Rules. Yaaaaay.
Backstage, Seth’s not happy because he’s Seth. He says that he isn’t facing Ziggler tonight. He wants to face Jamie Noble and Noble will lie down. Noble says that it’s not his fault that everything’s gone wrong. It’s Kane’s. Rollins realizes that Noble’s onto something. Rollins tells Kane that Kane will lay down for him tonight. He doesn’t disagree because Kane only selectively has balls.
MATCH #6: Adam Rose (w/ Exotic Express) vs. Dean Ambrose From chasing the MITB contender to Bray Wyatt to United States title…to Adam “I Haven’t Been Relevant in Weeks” Rose. Way to go, Creative. Ambrose chops at Rose who comes back with a Spinebuster and quick elbows. He drops a fist and locks in a headlock but Ambrose fights out. Ambrose hits lariats and a bulldog, then goes top rope but Rose bails. So Ambrose hits a Flying Psycho to the outside. Back in the ring, Ambrose hits the Rebound Clothesline and Dirty Deeds for the win at 2:11. WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: n/a – Squash
Kane is backstage. Show finds him and asks if he remembers Survivor Series. He says that Kane needs to do WHAT’S BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
MATCH #7: Fandango (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Stardust Holy shit, what a card. Stardust hits a falling reverse suplex but Fandango comes back with a heel kick. Legdrop misses. Dust hits the Disaster Kick for the win at 1:07. Yawn. WINNER: Stardust
RATING: n/a – Squash — but it’s a DUD, no matter what.
Post-match, Fandango actually gets a mic spot. He says he realizes what the problem is. He’s been sharing his “gift of dance with Rosa” when he should have been sharing it with everyone else. Then his old music hits. Everyone does the Fandango.
Kane is STILL BACKSTAGE. Daniel Bryan shows up. Kane asks him to go away. Bryan asks what happened to Kane. He says that Kane shouldn’t lay down. He needs to be a man. Kane yells LEAVE real loud. Daniel Bryan does.
Earlier tonight. John Cena challenged people. #CENAWONLOL, surprise, surprise. Rusev attacked him. So, at Extreme Rules, he’ll face Rusev in a Russian Chain Match.
Seth Rollins is out for his match.
MATCH #8: WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury vs. Kane (non-title) Kane strips out of his jacket, shirt and tie for the first minute, then it’s yacking with Rollins for the next 30 seconds. Kane goes to lay down. Rollins comes over and pins and it’s a two count. J&J comes into the ring. Kane grabs them by the throat and tosses them both out. Rollins isn’t happy and Kane jacks his jaw. He sets up for a Chokeslam and Rollins begs off with all the power he has in him and tells Rollins to lay down. Kane gets on one knee…then gets up and hits a Chokeslam. He starts to call for the Tombstone…but stops, lays down, and pulls Rollins on top of him for the pin at 4:35. WINNER: Seth Rollins
RATING: DUD.
So, now, both guys pick their “stipulations” for the match? Why didn’t they just have them fight one another?
Damien Miz-dow is walking backstage.
We get flashbacks from Miz-dow’s fight with Miz.
MATCH #9: The Miz vs. Damien Miz-dow (w/ Summer Rae) Miz takes half a minute to take his sunglasses off. Miz-dow does the same. Then they take match time to remove their jackets. WHAT IS THIS, MAGIC MIKE?! WRESTLE ALREADY.The two trade the same moves and Sandow rolls up Miz at just over 2:00. WINNER: Damien Miz-dow
RATING: DUD. This is an awful fucking night.
The Prime Time Players mock Los Matadores. WWE Creative supplies audio of crickets chirping which is fitting since nobody in the arena responds either.
MATCH #10: Ryback vs. Luke Harper Scrum in the corner and Harper kicks Ryback in the face — but only gets two, which is surprising given the tonight’s booking. Harper hits a Gator Roll which serves to “disorient opponents” according to Cole. Ryback picks up Harper by the neck and drops him. He goes for a Meathook but Harper ditches the ring. Ryback follows and Harper uses the announce booth to clock him in the face — and we’re done?! Fuuuuuuck. WINNER: Ryback via DQ at 1:47
RATING: DUD.
Ambrose comes out, post-match, and beats up Harper cuz’, ‘member? Ambrose got beat up by him.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Naomi beat up Paige.
Byron is backstage with Naomi. She says she lost her cool, then laughs and calls Byron an idiot. She says this whole thing is about her. Naomi doesn’t even know why we had a Divas Battle Royal tonight. This is surreal as fuck.
Dolph is out here and criticizes Kane for laying down and calls him “The Devil’s Favorite Dumbass”. Ziggler wants ANY SUPERSTAR IN THE BACK since Seth has already done his thing tonight. Neville responds because who wants a United States Title?
MATCH #11: Dolph Ziggler vs. Neville Neville escapes an armbar and applies one on Ziggler. Neville flips around after the break and hits a standing moonsault as the crowd finally starts to wake up. Ziggler comes back with a quick DDT and gets two. After commercial, Neville fights out of a headlock and tosses Ziggler up into the air and to the mat. The two roll out of the ring. Neville hits a flipping moonsault outside, then rolls back into the ring. He goes back outside, walks along the edge of the crowd barrier and does a Flipping Senton on top of Ziggler. Back in the ring, it’s a two count. The two counter each other’s moves and Ziggler gets hit with an Enzuguri for two. Ziggler comes back with a BIG Superkick and he gets two. Both men get up. Ziggler tries an elbow but misses. Neville tries the Red Arrow but Ziggler moves. Neville lands on his feet and lunches at Ziggler. Ziggler sidesteps and Neville hits the post. Ziggler hits the Zigg Zagg for the win at 9:08. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING: **1/4. Not a bad match. Could have been longer and should have been the main feature. But, the booking staff has their heads up their asses tonight, so what can you do?
Post-match, Sheamus comes in out of nowhere and hits a Brogue on Ziggler. Ziggler comes back fighting, getting some nice licks in, but Sheamus hits another Brogue and stands tall.
ON SMACKDOWN: Big Show WILL BE THERE!!!
NEXT: Randy and Seth make their match decisions!!!
Seth and J&J hit the ring and sit back in nice sofa seats. Rollins says that the crowd can boo him all they want but that doesn’t change the fact that he is the future of WWE. He’s also the greatest because he beat Reigns and Lesnar in the same night. He says that Kane has relieved himself of his duties as Director of Operations and, now, Rollins can make his stipulation. He invites Orton out.
Orton shows up and tells Rollins that everything is being needlessly complicated. He wants to clear out the chairs and he wants to fight right now. Rollins says that he loves “complicated”. He has power and he will wield it right now: the RKO is banned. Rollins tells him that The Authority always wins. Orton says that he was thinking along the same lines: his stipulation is fighting inside a steel cage “where nobody can help Rollins”. You know, because that’s always worked.
Orton says that’s that, then attacks Rollins and his stooges. Rollins escapes but the stooges absorb Orton’s wrath and Orton stands tall as we go off the air.
OVERALL: 1/2 a * tonight. This was a lazy, boring show with nothing going for it except a so-so beginning and a decent end match.
Community Season 6, Episode 6 – Basic Email Security Grade: B+
At this point in history, so much of the interactions in the Western World take place digitally. Behind our devices, we can have conversations and gossip to our heart’s content. If anything, we know that our friendly neighborhood study group, while loving, can also tear each other to shreds when the need arises. This need will obvious rear its ugly head as the group loses control of their private correspondences.
In what is probably the most realistic depiction of hacking on network TV (CSI’s 4 hands, 1 keyboard being the worst) Greendale gets hacked by a mysterious criminal known as “EliteFleet69” and threatens to leak the emails of everyone in the school, starting with the lunch lady. Although the screen shot of the lunch lady’s inbox is brief, it contains some great easter eggs. Apparently, Buzz Hickey passed away, Garrett has a monthly correspondence about his food allergies, and Magnitude sends out “POP POP” email blasts.
This is going to most likely be the most overt way that Community will address any hot topic issue. I suppose that it’s good that they’re killing two birds with one stone, right to privacy and terrorism. The right to privacy is obvious, but negotiating with terrorists part is actually kind of interesting. Yes, they don’t cave, but in the process, everyone suffers. It’s a very intriguing allegory that the show poses, in a way that only comedy can do.
Are we part of the problem when we read what’s leaked? Sure we are, but at a certain point, it’s all just news right? Britta again makes an impassioned plea to stand up against the demands of EliteFleet69, and if you dig beneath the hippie-dippy crap there’s sense in what she says. Leave it up to Britta, even when I agree with her, I don’t want to. Of course, then the activities committee/study group/Committee to Save Greendale is threatened with their own email leak. The group decides to remain bonded in solidarity to bring Gupta Goopi Gupta (the episode’s director Jay Chandresekar) to stage.
However, the study group having the impulse control of a 5-year-old with ADHD off his meds, reads the leaked emails, and the ensuing breakdown is glorious. Accusations and revelations fly left and right, I won’t go into details, but the best bits are the group’s pool on Frankie’s sexuality, Elroy’s fake family, and Chang’s 1 vs. 2 email chain. Despite it all, the group manages the rally and put Gupta Goopi Gupta onstage, only to realize that his show wasn’t offensive and funny, just offensive, and frankly, pretty damn terrible.
At the end of the ordeal, the entirety of Greendale has lost its privacy, and while the group stood the moral high ground, everyone else had to pay, a recurring theme. Chang is searching for some sort of meta-lesson and the gang is at a loss, until the police show up with EliteFleet69 aka FartMitzvah. Somehow, they pull “Crime Doesn’t Pay” out of their ass and call it a day. Again, the stinger scene at the end of the episode is somehow one of the best parts.
This foray into the study group proved to be a little more solid than the rest of the episodes this season so far, but it still misses some heart. I guess it just seems like it’s been out a while, but this is only episode 6. Next week will be the official halfway point, and hopefully it all trends up from here on out.
Veep Season 4, Episode 01 “Joint Session” Air date: April 12, 2015 10:30pm Grade: B
Veep is back, and Selina Meyer finds herself in the oval office after the former president resigned last season. If that sounds like a familiar premise, this is a far cry from the ruthless machinations of Frank Underwood in House of Cards. “Joint Session” is all chaos and folly as Selina settles into her new office and prepares for her first State of the Union speech with help from her loyal but incompetent staff. Things don’t quite reach the heights of frantic disarray that some of the best episodes have, but “Joint Session” still has all the ceaseless jokes, dysfunctional characters, and high-stakes political fumbling that Veep does best.
The episode opens with Selina’s first State of the Union address, but she’s stuck at the podium with a blank teleprompter. “Joint Session” then depicts the previous day’s series of minor disasters that lead up to Selina’s much larger disaster. Julia Louis-Dreyfus does wonderful work as always, alternating between Selina’s projected facade of calm professionalism and her withering hostility behind closed doors. Her frustration and impatience towards her ineffectual staff reaches new heights as the speech draws closer without any clear vision–Selina is eager to include her Families First bill, but she needs find a way to fund it through budget cuts. Selina, Kent, and Ben scramble to negotiate some spending cuts while the rest of the team works frantically to edit the speech after each turn of events. It’s a narrower focus that the show operates most comfortably in; the sort of minutiae that props up or topples the team’s best laid plans.
There are some minor storylines that are mostly just setup for future episodes, but don’t really contribute much to the main plot, which is a little deflating for the escalation of events. Bill Ericcson quits his position as Thornhill’s campaign manager and might be making a play for Amy’s position, while Gary finds himself increasingly unnecessary as Selina’s position makes her less accessible. Jonah pays a visit to the new vice president Andrew Doyle, only to be tasked with spying on Selina’s team. Patton Oswalt makes a guest appearance as Doyle’s chief of staff Teddy Sykes, who has a very hands on approach to threatening Jonah and asserting his dominance. The ridiculous physical comedy on display makes up for the rather abrupt and awkward ball grabbing, and the whole scene reads a bit like a parody on the hyper masculine power dynamics in House of Cards. Veep continues to add to its already large and incredible cast of comedic talent, and hopefully we’ll be seeing more of Teddy Sykes in the season to come.
Selina finally manages to squeeze some budget cuts from the joint chiefs in the form of an obsolete submarine program, only to upset multiple districts who threaten to kill her Families First bill if the cuts aren’t removed. All of this occurs right before the address, so the team scrambles to fix the speech right as Selina is left floundering at the podium. Although she manages to improvise her way through part of the speech to stall for time, she ultimately reads a draft of former President Hughes’ old plan, which promised an additional $10 billion to the submarine program. Selina’s veiled frustration during the speech and her simmering rage by the end of the episode are both great, and her presidency has barely even started. At the rate things are going, Selina Meyer might not be president for long.
I really enjoyed Ben and Dan’s use and explanation of the term “cock-thumb”, and Selina’s reactions throughout: “… commonly known as negotiating?”
“I booked the name using ‘Lazlo Whittaker.’” “Was ‘Vladimir Draw-Attention-to-Myself’ already taken?”
“The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.” “Oh, Kent majored in fortune cookies.”
“Whole cities of children were going to be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete… metal… giant… dildos.”
Know your worth. If you’re a hit that’s gonna make people a ton of money your life isn’t made – not yet anyway. After their stellar TechCrunch debut, Pied Piper is beset with a slew of new problems. Specifically, who’s money to take. Similar to it’s opening in the first season where Kid Rock performed at a modest get together, season two’s debut starts at AT&T Park where a smattering of people mingle on the diamond. There, Richard endures perhaps his two biggest fears; athletics and attention. His friend Javeed, the former renter of that mansion Mr. Rock sang at in the pilot, is also there. He’s considerably worse for wear, as his company was taken from him due to a down quarter which got his investors spooked; leaving him broke and alone. Javeed embodies the pitfalls that could happen to Richard if he’s not smart.
Unfortunately, reality dictated Peter Gregory’s death while on safari in the Serengeti. At the end of 2013, Christopher Evan Welch passed away from lung cancer leaving a noticeable absence in the second half of last season. His performance as a socially inept genius was original and hilarious. Peter Gregory’s successor, Laurie, continues this character trend as her staccato sentences and darting eye movements play up her character’s lack of charisma. Given recent events in San Francisco with the Ellen Pao case highlighting the gender gap in Venture Capital, it’s nice to see Silicon Valley casting a woman as Gregory’s successor. Not only is it a topical issue, but it helps to balance out a cast that last season only had Amanda Crew’s Monica as a main female character.
Speaking of Monica, she finds out from Laurie that her position as Associate Partner is in jeopardy if Pied Piper doesn’t sign with them. Uneasy with the possible shifting personnel at Raviga, Richard and Erlich meet with the various firms that have courted them only to find tepid responses. Realizing this to be a negotiation tactic, Erlich describes as “negging” – a manipulative sex strategy used by lonely chauvinists, he unleashes his brash demeanor to counteract the firms’ lowball strategy. It surprisingly works, as higher and higher offers roll in. It’s an example of how despite not being able to code he brings value to the Pied Piper team. To ensure that they stay with Raviga, Laurie gives them an offer well above all the other firms. Though this seems like the answer to their problems, Monica points out that it’s an overvaluation, suggesting he take the lowest offer. It was important to show Monica’s future at the company was at risk so that when she tells Richard to take a lower deal we know that she has the best intentions in mind, even if he doesn’t realize it. After running the hypothetical scenario of possibly taking less money past Javeed, and subsequently destroying his fragile psyche, Richard follows her advice and takes half of the proposal. Having quelled one problem they’re hit with another that will possibly run the length of this season; Hooli is suing them.
Silicon Valley’s strength comes in its ability to highlight the absurdity of start-up tech culture by adding slight embellishments. Peter Gregory’s funeral is an event in and of itself; blending eulogies with the tone of a Ted Talk. Attendees dressed in hoodies, is an examples of how Mike Judge exaggerates the world but only slightly keeping the tone believable. Silicon Valley continues to improve. While it’s always been funny, the characters and their relationships with one another are settling into a groove as Pied Piper continues to develop. While TJ Miller continues to channel his inner Michael Scott as the oblivious egomaniac Erlich, I find myself loving the growing adversarial relationship between Gilfoil and Dinesh. It’s also nice seeing Richard stand up for himself as he did in their first meeting, it makes him a more engaging protagonist.
I’m excited to see how this season unfolds. Its serial, as opposed to episodic, nature is something not normally seen in half hour comedies and, aside from the jokes, the company’s development creates weekly anticipation.
A photo posted by Bryan Singer (@bryanjaysinger) on
Munn joins Jennifer Lawrence (Raven/Mystique), James MacAvoy (Charlies Xavier), Michael Fassbender (Erik Lensherr/Magneto), Sophie Turner (Jean Grey), Nicholas Hoult (Hank McCoy/Beast), Evan Peters (Peter/Quicksilver), Oscar Isaac (En Sabah Nur/Apocalypse), Ben Hardy (Warren Worthington III/Angel), Tye Sheridan (Scott Summers/Cyclops), Kodi Smit-McPhee (Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler), Alexandra Shipp (Ororo Munroe/Storm), and Lana Condor (Jubilation Lee/Jubilee).
“X-Men: Apocalypse” is set to be released next year May 27, 2016. Singer will be directing again with Simon Kinberg, Dan Harris, and Michael Dougherty penning the script.
Munn is perhaps most known for her role as Sloan Sabbith on “The Newsroom,” has also co-hosted “Attack of the Show” on the now defunct G4 network. In addition, she was a correspondent on “The Daily Show” and has appeared in films like “Iron Man 2,” “Magic Mike,” “Unity,” “Deliver Us From Evil,” “Mortdecai”, and most recently “Ride Along 2.”
Last night Game of Thrones aired a first for the series–a flashback, something showrunners David and Dan said early on in their Thrones career they’d never do. However, this flashback was integral for a character’s development so I don’t begrudge them that early misstep. I do, however, have complaints about the omission of a character’s past that they wrote.
Cersei Lannister is character loathed by many. In the A Song of Ice and Fire books she is paranoid, cruel, and power hungry. However, HBO’s version of events has made Cersei a much more sympathetic character. I’ve already gone over the (biased) moments in the show when she was at her best, but last night HBO retconned one of Cersei’s most sympathetic moments on the show, acting as if it never happened.
During Cersei’s flashback in “The Wars to Come”, we met Maggy the Frog, a creepy soothsayer who divulged the future to the young Lannister. I won’t go into the specifics of the entire prophecy, but instead I want to focus on one part, the prediction about Cersei’s children.
The king will have twenty children. You will have three.
Three. Now, I know this is in keeping with the book canon prophecy, word for word, in fact. In the book, Cersei does have three children. However, in the show, Cersei gives birth to four children.
In the second episode of the first season, Cersei visits a distraught Catelyn Stark tending to the comatose Bran. In this scene Cersei and Catelyn display their many similarities, namely the fact that the love of their children comes before all else. Perhaps Cersei only visits Lady Stark out of guilt because she knows how Bran came to be as he is, and with her that is entirely plausible. Nonetheless, she does visit and it is an unexpected gesture of kindness. One to which Lady Stark does not know how to respond. Unprovoked, Cersei empathizes with the grieving mother.
I lost my first boy. A little black-haired beauty. He was a fighter too… tried to beat the fever that took him…It was years ago. Robert was crazed, beat his hands bloody on the wall, all the things men do to show you how much they care. The boy looked just like him. Such a little thing… a bird without feathers. They came to take his body away and Robert held me. I screamed and I battled, but he held me. That little bundle. They took him away and I never saw him again. Never have visited the crypt, never.
Note: click here to watch the scene between Cersei and Catelyn; begin at 1:36.
Some could argue that Cersei is lying in an attempt to make Catelyn Stark see her in a more sympathetic light, to throw her off the Lannister Lying Trail, and that there never was a black-haired baby. However, I don’t think Cersei is a liar. Crazy, evil, selfish, throw any of those adjectives in front of her name and they’d all be true, but dishonest she is not. When Bran Stark finally awakens her first thought is to silence him, not to lie about the event. It is Jaime who suggests lying. In the second season, when questioned about her relationship with Jaime, Cersei never denies the truth of it, and instead stays silent.
In later episodes, we learn from her conversation with Ned that Cersei did love Robert Baratheon and wanted to be a good and loving wife, one that would stand proud at his side. Of course, we know it all ends with three blonde children and a loveless marriage, but for a time, there was something between the two.
And then, in season one, episode five, Robert corroborates Cersei’s story to Catelyn Stark.
Robert Baratheon: “Do you want to know the horrible truth? I can’t even remember what she looked like….I only know she was the one thing I ever wanted…someone took her away from me…and seven kingdoms couldn’t fill the hole she left behind.”
Cersei Lannister: “I felt something for you once you know
Robert Baratheon: “I know.”
Cersei Lannister: “Even after we lost our first boy- for quite a while actually…was it ever possible for us? Was there ever a time ever a moment?”
Robert Baratheon: “No…does that make you feel better or worse?”
Cersei Lannister: “It doesn’t make me feel anything.”
What is the purpose for mentioning this lost boy if it was intended to have no purpose? Were the story not true, surely Robert would call her out on the lie. But he doesn’t, and even though that one line–even after we lost out first boy–lifts right out, it made it through the editing process. Because it has meaning.
What does all this mean? Why even bother nitpicking about something that to most viewers is a trivial moment in an unlikable character’s past? Well, one, because it’s sloppy writing. Someone in that writing room had to have remembered these scenes from the first season. This isn’t like the ASoIaF realm where there’s five years between seasons. Someone knew this occurred and either chose to ignore it or was overruled. If it was intended solely to solidify the difference between Robert’s true child and Cersei’s bastard children for the sake of the audience, then they must assume the viewers aren’t smart enough to pick up on all the other clues.
Two, and more importantly, Maggy the Frog’s prophecy about Cersei’s future is a intrinsic part of the character. It dictates much of what she does and explains–in most regards–why she acts in such a reckless manner. She clings to Joffrey despite his sadism because his demise means she is one step closer to confirming the prophecy. This moment in young Cersei’s life is so important that the creators chose to start the season with it. And yet, the prophecy remained the same. Three children.
Because the prophecy is worded as such in the show canon, once Cersei gave birth to Tommen she would have realized that Maggy the Frog was false and I have no doubt that such a thing would have changed her view. Or, to go back even further, Cersei’s first child was black-haired, which would have been an even earlier clue to the Queen that Maggy’s words meant nothing. Instead of becoming what many think is a self-fulfilling prophecy, it would have simply been the lies of a lunatic who lived in the forest, and Cersei would be a completely different character.
TURN is back for season two on AMC on April 13, both with a new air date (Mondays) and even a new title: TURN: Washington’s Spies. At the end of the tumultuous season, Mary Woodhull learned her husband, Abe, has been working covertly for the George Washington and the patriots. Through a deadly accident, she and her husband now share their own secrets.
To learn more about the upcoming season, I recently spoke with Mary’s portrayer, Meegan Warner, to get some hints on what fans can expect in the new season.
TURN: Washington’s Spies airs Mondays @ 10 pm ET starting April 20 on AMC; the second season will premiere with a two-hour episode on April 13 at 9 pm ET.
Hi Meegan—thanks so much for taking the time to chat today. TURN just got a new title going into the second seasons. It is now called TURN: Washington’s Spies. Is there anything else off the bat that will feel new about the show when the second season premieres in April?
No worries! Thanks for having me!
So we pick up the story around two months after the events of the season one finale. As the story starts unfolding, we’ll start seeing some new characters introduced into the equation and with them some cool new story lines. I also think the pacing of this season is a lot faster and more exciting.
You guys are going to be going on Monday nights—something that’s worked out quite well in the case of Better Call Saul. Do you guys think you’ll start to discover a new audience with the new time slot?
I hope so. Last season we aired at the same time as Game Of Thrones, which was quite intimidating! The show truly went under the radar during season one, but we attracted a really passionate core audience. TURN will also be on Netflix soon, which I think will help as well.
OK—let’s get into the show now. What’s it like working on a period drama? What do you think of some of the costumes?
It’s been fun to explore the time period and the costumes are amazing. Very beautiful and detailed, but it really isn’t fun to eat lunch in a tight corset! I was always quite enthusiastic to take the costume off at the end of the day!
Your character also has a young child on the show. Is it difficult at all working with such a young baby on the set?
I think we’ve been very lucky with Ellis and Cabell, the twins who play Thomas. There were some difficult days but for the most part they were very good. The boys were a lot more relaxed around the cast and crew this season. And they can now say my name, which I’m very excited about!
Before you got cast, did you ever get a chance to read the book the show is based on?
Well my manager actually owned the book, but the audition process was very quick. I only had a few days between hearing about the audition and going in to read for the role, so I didn’t have time. But the day I found out I’d booked the job, after the excitement and shock died down a bit, I started reading it and I loved it.
In the season finale, Mary discovered what Abe has been up to, but helped him cover up a murder with a last minute idea of arson. How will her discovery and their secrets impact their relationship in the second season?
Yeah that was a pretty awesome moment to play as Mary. Definitely my favorite scene to film in season one. Mary and Abe’s relationship becomes very interesting over the course of the second season. I wish I could say more but I’m afraid I’ll give something away!
Abe became a reluctant spy for Washington over the course of the season. Is there ever a chance that we might see Mary join her husband in the spy craft?
I can’t tell you that! You’ll have to watch and see…
For those that are “shipping” (hate to use that term) Anna and Abe, give us a few reasons why we should root for Mary and Abe to stay together?
Hahaha! Oh dear… I think it’s a little pointless to “ship” characters on TURN. What with the arranged marriages and all!!
We’re going to meet Benedict Arnold in the second season. Any other teases you can give us for the first few episodes of the season?
The first season was very much about the formation of the spy ring. This season is a lot more action packed and exciting. And the lovely Ksenia Solo joins the show as Peggy Shippen.
Where else can we see you this year besides TURN? I did a film called The Veil with Jessica Alba, Lily Rabe and Thomas Jane which I believe comes out later this year. An independent thriller called Portend may also surface this year. And I’m currently in Australia filming the new Cairnes brothers feature called Scare Campaign but that will probably be out next year.
their secrets, and secrets get people killed. In a shocking turn of events that is not at all foreshadowed by Cap’s earlier judgment of the agency, S.H.I.E.L.D. gets fooled by Hydra’s long con and is infiltrated, leaving Cap, Black Widow, Nick Fury, and newbie Falcon to weed out the bad guys and stop them from using the fancy new helicarriers to kill millions of people. New to the game is the Winter Soldier, a creepy-looking guy with a robotic arm, and the only person able to stop Cap’s shield. All of this is orchestrated by Arnim Zola, a scientist who worked for Red Skull back in Cap’s original time. A few smashed computers and broken wings later, Cap and Co. stop the helicarriers from all that murderin’ and Cap yet again goes down with the ship. He is saved by the Winter Soldier who is actually his thought-to-be-dead best friend, Bucky Barnes.
