Originally reported in the UK tabloid The Sun, rumors are circulating that Matt Smith, most known for his role as the eleventh doctor in the Doctor Who series, is currently the top pick for the Harry Potter spin-off “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.”
Smith could play magizoologist Newt Scamander in the film adaptation of the J.K. Rowling novel, set 80 years before the “Harry Potter” series in New York. The book was first released in 2001.
“Fantastic Beasts” is being produced by David Heyman, directed by David Yates and screenplay by Rowling. The first film of the trilogy is expected to be in theaters on November 18. 2016.
The actor will be next seen in “Terminator: Genisys, ” which comes out July 1 and “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”
In a surprise to virtually nobody, director Sam Taylor-Johnson announced that she was leaving the “Fifty Shades of Grey” franchise for good.
In an exclusive statement to Deadline, the director stated the following:
“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful, I have [studio] Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota [Johnson] and Jamie [Dornan]. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”
The franchise has already experienced its fair share of criticism and behind-the-scenes woes.
The first film didn’t fare well with critics, garnering a total of 25% on the metacritic site, Rotten Tomatoes, with the majority of critics complaining about wooden performances, horrible dialogue and thin plotting — all things its literary counterpart has in common. The book series, which was originally conceived as Twilight fan fiction, is about a successful business magnate — and practicing sadomasochist — who draws the attention of a young college student, with whom he ends up having an affair. It was universally panned by the literary world, with no less of an authority than Sir Salman Rushdie declaring that it was “badly written” and made Twilight “look like War and Peace.”
The film adaptation was plagued by issues ranging from a lack of chemistry between the two leads (magnified by their uncomfortable and awkward television interviews) to battles between director Johnson and author E.L. James over creative control
The latter was confirmed when Johnson told Vanity Fair that her and James “battled all the way through,” with “tough times” and “sparring contests” and is thought to be the impetus behind Johnson’s departure.
But, despite its problems, the series has a dedicated, worldwide following. The books (which have been printed in 50 different languages) have sold well over 100 million copies while the recent film adaptation of the first book has grossed over $500 million dollars in both foreign and domestic markets.
The sequels will go on with or without Johnson.
Following the financial success of the first film in the series, Universal announced that the next two books will also see film adaptations with the next installment reportedly due in 2017.
The best time of year is nearly upon us, ya’ll – only a little over two weeks until Game of Thrones is back in our lives!! The show (and the books) haven’t been the same since the rough and untimely demise of one Robb Stark, so I’d like to take a moment to honor him in the classiest way possible, because THE NORTH REMEMBERS.
Here, for your viewing pleasure, are five times Robb was hotter than Jon.
1. When he’s shirtless. Jon Who?
2. When he’s holding puppies.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HOLD A PUPPY, JON SNOW.
3. When he’s smiling.
Since Jon Snow is always too busy angst-facing to smile, Robb should win this category by default. I’m pretty sure Jon thinks he’s smiling right here:
But I mean…look at that smile. Robb would win anyway.
4. When he pierces our hearts with those baby blues. No contest.
5. When he says things like this:
And when Jon Snow is propositioned, his face looks like this:
There is one instance where Jon Snow beats Robb Stark every time – angsting. Man, can the bastard ANGST, y’all. ALL BOO-HOO ALL THE TIME.
No contest, though I would still argue that Robb looks sexier doing it.
You can disagree with me if you want, but your arguments are fruitless. My proof is rock solid. Like Robb’s abs and my heart toward the Frey’s.
I’ve really enjoyed what Gabriel’s character has brought to the series of late, and tonight was no exception. As a fellow word nerd, the scene at the end of the episode where he explains to Philip that the word love comes from the Latin – amare – while the word wedlock comes to us by Nordic descent.
The latter says nothing about love at all.
Because wedlock? It’s an ongoing battle. A fight. And endless series choices and negotiations solved by practice. Or not.
This week, we took a (small) break from the increasing anxiety wrought by the Jennings’s multiple assignments that have come to a boil and take a look at what this life is doing to them, together and apart. I don’t know about you, but I am grateful for the breather. So is my ulcer.
The marriage between Elizabeth (Keri Russell) and Philip (Matthew Rys) has always been complicated. With Philip needing to spend more time with Martha (Alison Wright) to try to smooth things over at the FBI and things still rocky over the decision on whether or not to recruit Paige, the two of them haven’t really connected in weeks.
Philip tells Elizabeth that he trusts Martha, that she’ll protect him no matter what, and her arguments fall on deaf ears when Gabriel (Frank Langella) agrees with Philip…but not on a hard heart. Her husband’s obvious affection for the “other woman” has started to hurt Elizabeth and I’d say watch out Martha, because there’s a 50/50 shot that means she ends up dead the first opening Elizabeth sees. Things seem to be quiet on that front, however, and even when Gabriel tells the Jennings’s to break into the repair shop that’s working on the motorized mail cart the FBI uses, he assures Philip that Martha won’t be asked to change the tapes.
To make that happen, the two of them break into the repair company to plant the bug in the damaged mail delivery cart. Even though it’s a small business and it’s the middle of the night, they’re interrupted by an elderly woman who likes to do the books in the peace and quiet. For some reason, probably to dispel her fear, she begins to talk to Elizabeth–about her husband, about marriage, life children, the business–and it doesn’t take two minutes before my heart starts to break, because I know they’re going to kill her.
That fact is affecting Elizabeth, and she’s more emotional in those scenes than we’ve seen her maybe ever. It’s clear that she admires this woman, that she feels badly about the situation, but things like that have never really bothered her before. It’s Philip. Elizabeth is realizing that she wants more than a sham of a marriage and a partner in crime–she’s in love with him and she wants things to work.
Not such an easy task given the world they live in, one where old ladies are forced to take a handful of pills, you’re both regularly having sex with other people, and neither of you can agree on whether to involve your teenage daughter in an organization that will define the rest of her life.
It hurts to watch them struggle this way. Elizabeth is crying when she returns to Philip in the repair shop but turns away, refusing to trust him with her fragile emotions over the old woman’s death. Perhaps if he’d been more understanding, less cold, when she tried to share the intimacies of the woman’s life ten minutes before things would have been different but these two often miss one another’s vulnerable times. One is ready to open up when the other is at their most closed off, leaving them passing ships in the night that are forever tied together, destined to crash on the waves but not float side-by-side.
Wow. I am cheesy tonight. Pass the wine.
I don’t know when the two of them became not only a compelling couple but one that I really, truly root for in a romantic sense. One of the things that makes this show so great is that while we can all agree that the Jennings’s are not actually good people, we want them to get away scot free with equal passion to wanting them to get caught. Great writing, great acting…those accomplish this feat.
There are two other stories in this episode – Stan (Noah Emmerich) and Oleg (Costa Ronin) have teamed up to try to make some roundabout play for Nina’s freedom. Like typical men, it’s never entered either of their minds that she’s able to take herself. Which she is. #TeamNina
The student Elizabeth has been training was seen during the previous week’s operation so she lets him go. His response to this is to go murder the poor kid who I was just SO RELIEVED they didn’t kill last week–and not in a pretty way, either.
Then again, since we’ve been subjected to crunching bones, up-close teeth pulling, and setting people on fire this season, one little shot out eyeball is hardly anything to run to the toilet over.
The episode ends with Philip and Gabriel playing Scrabble. Gabriel tries to drop some of his terribly clever psychobabble but tonight, Philip is having none of it. Things are shit at home, they’re rocky with Martha, he’s still got sleeping with a teenage girl to look forward to and his son is on the front lines in Afghanistan, so now is not the time to try to take advantage of the guy. After opening up about how he felt a bolt of lightning the first time he saw Elizabeth–and that he’s never felt that way before or since–he tells Gabriel as much, dropping the mic at the end of the episode with a promise that he’ll do whatever it takes to protect his family.
The thing is, I think we all know–Philip included–how impossible that promise is. I love The Americans, but I hate how it’s starting to feel as though any kind of happy ending for these characters that have wormed their way into my heart is sliding further and further off the table.
The Americans, Season 3 Episode 9 “Do Mail Robots Dream of Electric Sheep” aired Wednesday, March 25th at 10/9c.
It is Week 2 of our favorite Mirror Ball Trophy cheese-fest party, and Dancing With the Stars is already in emotional overdrive. Normally, the sobbing and inspiring storylines and incredible dancing don’t kick into gear until at LEAST week 3 – but not this season. They aren’t foolin’ around. This week was called “My Jam Monday”, and each star chose their favorite song, or “jam”, as the kids call it, to dance to. It was also the first week where someone was eliminated. Let’s not waste any more time. Old man judge Len has to be tucked into bed with his warm milk and blankie by 10 …
Farmer Dull / Witney: NOTE: Witney, the dancer, is not to be confused with Whitney, the fiance of bachelor Chris Soules. And while we’re at it, please don’t confuse Chris Soules with a loaf of bread or paper towels, because his personality is similar to both. (Here comes more hate mail …… ) These two did the Cha-cha to a song by Pitbull, which is apparently what this farmer listens to. Pitbull? Really? I think someone else picked out this tune for him, because he probably chose something really boring and the producers said “No, dude. That song sucks. Let’s go with Pitbull.”
While rehearsing, Corn-husk for Brains said “I just don’t get all the counting. I don’t get it.” Witney’s response to this was to leave the room and question her entire existence. When she returned, all was magically fine and the two pulled off a pretty okay dance, while looking stunning in matching electric blue. Bruno told Blah-Face that this week, he was “much more erect.” To which Tom Bergeron replied: “So, you watched The Bachelor too, Bruno?” Horny Carrie Ann followed up with “You are soooo ready!” Ready for what? A throw-down in her bedroom? An orgy with her and Bruno? Then she warned him about his hands being a little bit too “T-Rex-y.” This is a favorite thing of hers to say. Constantly with the “T-Rex” comments, comparing dancers hands to dinosaurs. What is with the dinosaur references, woman? Scores were low at 5/6/5/5.
Suzanne / Tony: Their Jive was to “Whole Lotta Shakin'”, and it was really well-done. Tony said he wanted the audience to “forget that Suzanne is 68 yrs old.” We might be able to do that if you all don’t keep reminding us every two seconds that she is 68. That being said, she has amazing legs and moves extremely well for … well … 68. The routine began with Suzanne on top of a piano, and only got better from there, with lots of shaking of body parts and fun. Julianne called it “awesome.” Bruno creepily said “you were all pert and alert!” Len thought it had “energy and verve.” Really, Len? Verve? Who says verve? Scores were 7/7/7/7.
Robert / Kym: Well its only Week 2, and I think I’ve had enough of all the shark references when it comes to this guy. Besides, he is so goofy. He never stops smiling, ever. I hope he doesn’t have to ever do a tragic or sad dance, because he will be smiling creepily the whole way through it. He reminds me of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Their Foxtrot to a Michael Buble song was well-done, and Buble himself showed up via satellite to wish them well. Len said the dance had “style and panache.” Panache? What is it with these terms? Scores were a familiar 7/7/7/7.
Charlotte / Keo : Am I a horrible person for not remembering who this person is or why she is famous? I think she is a model, but all I can recall is “Boobs McGee” in my mind. In any case, she was upset about lots of mean and nasty comments on Twitter about her, calling her stupid and a bad influence on young girls. That sucks, that people would write such cruel things. Yes, I lightly mock this show and some of the people on it, but it is not ever mean-spirited. It is all in good fun, and even Tom Bergeron approves, as he has shared my reviews on his Twitter page multiple times now. (Thank you so much, Tom!!! You are truly the best.) But to go on someone’s Twitter page and bully them and insult them is just rude and hurtful. They had a great comeback to it with their well-danced Cha-cha that was surfer-themed. Horny Carrie Ann shouted “You really gave it to me!” Gave WHAT to you? Calm down, lady. Backstage, Erin Andrews sympathized with the social media insults hurting, telling Charlotte “they come after my nose all the time.” Scores were 7/6/7/6.
Michael / Peta: Another foxtrot, and it was quite impressive. Bruno noticed “your bum is still sticking out. I know it’s there, and I know it’s great.” Wow. Have a seat next to Horny Carrie Ann, Bruno. You’re scaring the contestants. Scores were solid at 7/7/7/7.
Rumer / Val: They did the Cha-cha to Adele’s “Rumor Has It”, because .. well … Rumor. …. Rumer …. get it? Good. Val told Rumer that he was intimidated by her dad last week (Bruce Willis) sitting in the audience with his stone-cold face that never changed expression. Backstage, Erin and the pair all imitated the Bruce face together, which was very funny. In the ballroom, their dance was excellent once again. There was a LOT of fog coming out of that fog machine though, so it was hard to even see in the beginning. But this girl is talented! Julianne called her a powerhouse, while Len proclaimed “You can dance!” High scores were at 8/8/8/8.
RedFoo / Emma: I’m sorry, but I still can’t take anyone named RedFoo seriously. Either way, they did the Jive to “My Sharona”, and everyone went nuts for it. It was very good, but the place went batshit crazy about it, which I didn’t really understand. Bruno called him “ignited”, and Horny Carrie Ann said it was “so in the zone.” The zone of what? Your desperately lonely vagina? Scores were 8/7/8/8.
Willow / Mark: This was one of my favorite dances of the night. The Argentine Tango, which is always challenging and always so beautiful when done correctly. This was done not only correctly, but with such creativity and cleverness. Whoever came up with this concept is genius. Their song choice was Gutye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know”, and they chose to pay homage to the cool as hell music video. So, their costumes were covered in paint colors , which they splattered on themselves by attacking one another with paintballs. I don’t know any of the terminology of the moves in this dance, but I loooove that thing where the woman leans forward into the man and sort of becomes “limp”, as he glides her across the floor. It is so gorgeous looking, and they did it beautifully. And yes, she is only 14 years old, and this was an incredible dance, for any age. Carrie Ann thought the concept was brilliant, Len found it fabulous, and Bruno went as far as to call Willow “a potential winner.” Scores were 8/8/8/8.
Noah / Sharna: Okay, here came the first real sets of tears, PLUS the “inspirational moment”, all in one couple. During rehearsals, Noah was talking with his girlfriend via iPad/Skype, as she is gone at basic training in the army for 6 months. He misses her like mad and dedicates his dance and song to her, a song by Darius Rucker about love. Sharna tells him to pretend that she is his girlfriend during their dance, he does, and it is a great dance. Now remember, this man has ONE ARM AND ONE LEG ONLY!!! So go ahead and add that to the mix of inspirational and emotional and all that jazz. So the judges are giving their comments, and Len says “I’m 70 years old and I’m getting jealous. Put your shirt back on.” Bruno then also refers to Noah’s “A-pack”, and then Horny Carrie Ann brings it all home with “that was soooo HOT! Like, really hot!!!” Backstage, scores are 7/6/7/7. Erin asks Noah how it’s been without his girlfriend here to support him. He says “Its been really hard, but I’m picking her up in 2 days, so …”. Erin says: “OR … right now!”, and his girlfriend appears out of nowhere, there in person, and they hug and hold each other endlessly. They are both crying, as is the entire universe. My God ……
Nastia / Derek: The Rumba – another favorite dance of mine. This was truly gorgeous. Nothing more to say, really. It was just awesome and kind of flawless. Bruno agreed. Carrie Ann called it spectacular. Len called it “clean and crisp, unlike my old man bladder.” Okay, maybe he didn’t say that last part. I can’t be sure. Scores were 9/8/8/9.
Riker / Allison : Foxtrot. They took his stupid hair and made it less stupid by pulling it behind his face. He is a pretty good dancer. Horny Carrie Ann practically invited him back to her place: “You were hot. You look hot. So hot. Very sexy … I have to stop.” Yes, yes you do. Creeper. Scores were 8/8/8/8.
Patti / Artem: I loved, loved, loved, loved the fact that Patti LaBelle unapologetically chose 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” as her jam, and then danced it up like a party animal. It was fantastic. She took on the role and you could tell she was loving every minute of this song. Their salsa was such a blast, and cool as hell. Julianne said she wants to go to the club with her and dance. Bruno called it “Kooky. VIP. Empire. Hot.” What on earth are you talkin’ bout, Willis? Scores were 7/7/7/7.
RESULTS: RedFoo and his silly name and hair go home. Everyone is sad and shocked. That’s what you get for being named RedFoo. Tune in next week, when emotions fly high, and there’s a shocking murder on the dance floor. (Not really. But now youll watch, right?)
A photo posted by Bryan Singer (@bryanjaysinger) on
The next film in the X-Men films isn’t due until next year, but director Bryan Singer has had fun giving away little tidbits on his Instagram, from set design to casting to news. Today, he’s revealed the newest mutant to join the cast: Jubilee, played by Lana Condor. Jubilee is a fan favorite from the classic 90s X-Men cartoon with the ability to generate energy plasmoids from her hands. She was in the background of the first three films, had a brief cameo in a deleted scene in X-Men 2, and was even up for consideration in Days of Future Past, but this’ll be the first time she’s actually on the big screen.
In the comics, she ran away from home and joined the X-Men after saving Wolverine’s life. Currently, she’s member of the all-female X-Men team with the powers of a vampire and the adoptive mother of the baby Shogo. No word yet on if she’ll be one of Charles’ first new recruits alongside the younger versions of Cyclops, Storm, and Jean Grey, but it wouldn’t be out of the picture. Here’s hoping she and Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine bond just like they do in the comics.
X-Men: Apocalypse arrives in theaters May 27, 2016.
Showtime has announced July 12, 2015 as the return dates for Master of Sex and Ray Donovan. Both series will feature 12-one hour episode seasons.
Ray Donovan‘s third season will “find Ray (Liev Schreiber) adrift from his family and those closest to him, while he focuses on his business and desires to be his own boss. Meanwhile, his father Mickey (Jon Voight), who had narrowly escaped last season’s heist debacle, finds himself charting a similar course to build his own empire.” The third season will feature guest stars Ian McShane, Katie Holmes and Elliott Gould.
The third season of Masters of Sex “finds the famed duo of Masters (Michael Sheen) and Johnson (Lizzy Caplan) dealing with the glare of the national spotlight as their sex study is finally unveiled. It’s the start of the Sexual Revolution — and Masters and Johnson’s work will have a profound impact on contemporary relationships, especially their own evolving three-way “marriage” with Masters’ wife Libby (Caitlin FitzGerald).”
The Skull Kid embodies the mischief and mystery of the Lost Woods, but now a cursed mask has transformed him into something far more terrifying. When he tricks Link into entering a land called Termina, the Hero of Time faces an urgent challenge in a strange, new land: stop the moon from ending the world in three days. Don’t panic! You’ll have some time-twisting tunes and magical masks to help you make it to tomorrow.
It’s a sad day for fans of HBO’s Looking as the network has announced they will not be moving forward with a third season for the series. While the news is grim, there is at least a shining light. In lieu of a third season, Looking has been given a special to wrap-up its story.
“After two years of following Patrick and his tight-knit group of friends as they explored San Francisco in search of love and lasting relationships, HBO will present the final chapter of their journey as a special. We look forward to sharing this adventure with the shows loyal fans,” the network said in a press release.
Looking starred Jonathan Groff, Murray Bartlett, and Frankie J. Alvarez. The second season concluded on March 22, 2015.
Entertainment Weekly has given us our first look at the newest iteration of Lex Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg.
The infamous supervillian and foe of Superman, will be unlike any other version of Lex Luthor, director Zack Synder tells Entertainment Weekly.
“He’s not any of the Lexes that you’ve seen, that’s for sure,” says Snyder, “other than him being a captain of industry and one person to the world and another person to himself. And bald, of course.
“Our Lex is disarming and he’s not fake,” says Snyder. “He says what he believes and he says what’s on his mind. If you can unravel the string and decipher what he means, it’s all there.”
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will hit theaters March 25, 2016.
The real S.H.I.E.L.D. Since it was revealed that Bobbi and Mack’s secret is not that they’re covertly working with the Avengers (like we might have thought) and rather that they’re working for a different operation of suits altogether, we’ve theorized what “the real S.H.I.E.L.D.” might be. Was it S.W.O.R.D.? Was it an undercover organization led by someone like General Talbot?
As it turns out, “the real S.H.I.E.L.D.”, headed by a man named Gonazles (Battlestar Galactica‘s Edward James Olmos), is a group of agents (including Fringe’s Kirk Acevdeo, who seems to be popping up all over these days), working underground and behind the scenes because they don’t like Coulson being in charge. They’re close with Bobbi and Mack, they still think Fury’s dead (or at least, they’re pretending if they know otherwise) and they blame Coulson for the death of Tripp — as well as Skye and Raina’s transformation, and also for the untimely death of Isabelle Hartley (Lucy Lawless), someone that Gonzales was apparently close to. It’s interesting that Coulson is the one repeatedly telling Skye not to blame herself for the damage she’s caused with her powers, while there are numerous people who are blaming him for all the things that he’s telling her not to worry about.
Mack brings Hunter into the “real S.H.I.E.L.D.” world, despite the fact that Hunter is wary of their intentions based on their secrecy. While Hunter vows that Bobbi would never allow for this (protip: don’t talk about your exes behind their backs, Hunter), Bobbi and Mack are revealed to be gathering intel on Coulson, whom they believe has been compromised. That part isn’t so much of a surprise to us as much as the trustworthy part is – but I’ve always believed that Bobbi and Mack (or at least definitely Bobbi) have Coulson’s best intentions at heart, and would never truly do something malicious that could bring him down. And to be fair, Gonzales has a point…though he’s also operating from the outside world, which means like most situations similar to this one, we only get about half the story.
Bobbi ends up appealing to Hunter alone, which turns into a heated discussion about their relationship. While Bobbi maintains everything she felt for him was and still is real, Hunter is feeling slighted by the fact that she could distrust Coulson in the first place, and is also upset that she’s been keeping secrets from him. I’m not ashamed to say that one of my favorite Bobbi and Hunter scenes came out of this episode, and it didn’t even involve sex – or Bobbi throwing sticks in someone’s face. The emotional connection between these two characters is so strong that it resonates no matter what they’re doing together.
Hunter asks her to leave with him, but she can’t – she has a loyalty to finish out her job here, however it ends. Hunter tries to run, though he doesn’t get very far because apparently they’re on a moving barge. He manages a way off, however, which leads Gonzales and his team to panic. They don’t want Bobbi going back in to S.H.I.E.L.D. because they’re afraid Hunter can now blow her cover, especially given his anger. But with Mack already a suspect of sneaking around thanks to May’s eagle eye and Hunter’s disappearance, Bobbi has no choice – and now that Mack has alerted them about Skye’s situation, they need someone on the inside. (Besides, she’s Mockingbird. She doesn’t need the 12 hours she’s been given. She only needs 6. Atta girl, Bobbi.)
“Love In The Time of Hydra” promised us the return of Grant Ward, a character that we haven’t seen since the fall finale. It didn’t disappoint – Ward returned as not only the embodiment of the Best Boyfriend Ever, having taken Agent 33 under his wing, he also returned seemingly as the new face of Hydra. With Whitehall dead, it’s really a chance for Ward to carve out his own path both as a character and with his loyalties…and I think it’s safe to say that based on this episode, Ward is done answering to anyone but himself, which should prove interesting down the road.
When we last saw Agent 33, she had been abandoned by Whitehall and also was in a bit of a predicament, having had half her face removed thanks to laser mesh mask issues. The two cut their pancake date short to abduct a guy who can apparently fix these kind of things, and the man manages to laser on another type of mask that hides Agent 33’s imperfections. And stabilizes her vocal process. And lets her replicate the face of another woman, based on her preferences so that she can be anyone she wants. I’m pretty sure this is the coolest kind of tech ever, and I’m also pretty sure it would solve my own emotional problems, which probably means it should be outlawed. Much of this season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has been people finding themselves and learning “who they really are” – and even though she’s on the periphery, this absolutely extends to Agent 33, who spends most of the episode trying to find her footing in a world where she has no idea what to do, except cling to the person who has come to her rescue. She thinks that Ward is incredibly well-adjusted for all his abandonment issues (HA), so it’s no wonder that she tries so hard to win Ward’s trust, most notably by pretending to impersonate Skye to get his attention. (That moment also allowed many SkyeWard fans their happiness – even if it wasn’t the real Skye, it’s clear that Ward’s intentions and emotions were there, and he’s still into her. He’s still in love with her. He still can’t let her go.)
And what of Skye? May’s ex has recommended her to be removed from S.H.I.E.L.D., a decision that May agrees with despite the fact Coulson feels otherwise. Skye’s abilities aren’t man-made, they’re not something she was born with and can’t control. She’s kind of like the Hulk (a wonderful Avengers reference between FitzSimmons in a scene that made the Marvel nerd in me delight in happiness), and she’s an unfortunate causality of something she didn’t ask for. (Also, as Fitz reminds Simmons: Hulk saved the world. And yes. Yes he did.)
Coulson ends up taking Skye to a safe house for people with powers (complete with all the safety procedures in place to account for powers), though he can’t at first tell her where they’re doing. In the process of their journey, he gives her the story of Lola, and it’s heartening to see a little bit of human!Coulson come through here as he talks about his favorite thing in the world — a strange yet cute way to father-daughter bond. The good news of being pulled of active duty is that Skye (kind of) gets her gauntlets! Well, they’re really gloves, and it’s what Simmons has been working on to help Skye attempt to control her powers. And what she’s subsequently clashed with Fitz on, as the two apparently have very, very different ideas of how to react to someone becoming a superhero.
Ward uses Agent 33’s vulnerability to convince her to extract revenge on the man who made her life miserable: Bakshi, who is being held in Talbot’s care. Thanks to Agent 33’s face, she’s able to impersonate Talbot’s wife in order to get past security, which then allows her to change into a guard, which allows her to break out Bakshi with Ward’s help. At least to Talbot’s credit, he realizes what’s going on pretty early into the whole heist, but there’s apparently going to be a lot of make-up taco nights to account for the fact that Talbot freaked out so much on his life he didn’t trust her.
And our tag? In a continued journey towards revenge, Agent 33 (who has embraced her new, disfigured face and has gained Ward’s approval) is now the one brainwashing Bakshi. This can’t end well.
Odds & Ends:
Anyone want pumpkin pancakes now? Because I crave pumpkin things on a regular basis, but damn, I’d really like some pancakes.
Easter egg of the night, and one not exactly Marvel related: during the flight to the safe house, Coulson offers Skye some red vines. Red vines were Walter Bishop’s food of choice on Fringe, and Charlie on Fringe was one of Kirk Acevedo’s best known roles for years.
Another fun Avengers easter egg, because this episode was full of them: Coulson tells Skye that Captain America spent some time at the special cabin after his de-icing. I’m waiting for the head canons to go wild with that one.
Look how good Coulson has become with tech! Remember when he could barely figure out how to swipe a hologram and it was one of the best moments of the show’s first season? Now he’s a regular pro. Four for you, Coulson, you go, Coulson.
“Down on the DL.” “The downlow?” “The disabled list.” “Oh yeah, that makes more sense.”
Skye playing Operation – a classic subtle moment. What’s the point of Operation? Don’t let the tongs touch anything as you’re removing things. (Also another fun Marvel easter egg, if you stretch that far: Tony tells Pepper in the first Iron Man that removing his arc reactor is just like playing Operation. Which Pepper has apparently never played. That’s another story entirely.)
In the first episode of Total Divas, “Welcome to the WWE”, we learned that our Divas are opinionated women some of whom seem just as likely to get into a street fight with each other as fight a match in the ring.
I’m joined on this recap with special commentary from Matt Perri, who is able to put aside his feelings about this show enough to sit through it with me and write his comments even though he’d probably prefer listening to our cat yowling in pain after a vaccination.
Tonight’s recap will feature more direct dialogue as requested by ABeyAnce1 (thanks for reading and commenting, ABeyAnce1!)
Last time, on Total Divas:
We were introduced to The Bellas, Natalya, and Funkydactyls who use ring smarts and ass to win matches.
Cameron is jealous of the heirarchy.
I never knew JoJo Offerman existed until this show.
That’s about it, really.
Roanoke, VA for Monday Night RAW
Ringside – JoJo and Eva Marie
JoJo and Eva Marie are enthralled watching RAW live in an arena. JoJo says every time she goes to RAW it is beyond words. All the reactions of the fans make her think this is what she’s meant to do.
Eva Marie is especially into watching and studying Fandago who she describes as “one of the biggest superstars for WWE…who is getting a lot of attention for his ballroom dancing”. (MATT: “One of the biggest superstars because he dances” — now you KNOW this is scripted.) Cut to the crowd where one group of people even spells out Fandango in letters. (This episode of course was filmed in 2013 when his gimmick was much more fresh than it is now.)
“Every week I see him with a different girl I think, I can do that, too,” she tells the cameras. She wants to get out of training development camp as soon as possible (even six months is too long of a wait for her) and thinks she can by becoming his dancing valet get into the main roster. “This is my in,” she says, “because once he has me as his partner, he won’t want anyone else.”
Backstage – Cameron & Naomi A frustrated Naomi finally finds Cameron. Cameron is complaining they have nothing to wear, (while pawing through dozens of outfits in a box). She says one gold sparkly pair of shorts looks like a diaper and, picking up the blue costumes they were supposed to wear at Wrestlemania 29 says it reminds her too much of ‘Mania. Naomi agrees and suggests they burn the outfit. Cameron loves their seamstress Miss Sandra but after what happened at Mania (when Miss Sandra was shown taking up to the last second to get their costumes ready), she wants to use someone new. Ironically, Cameron had said Miss Sandra is one of three seamstresses the WWE has but, because we need a “plot” they have to find someone completely out of the WWE payroll I guess.
Naomi says Miss Sandra will “go hell on them if they do”. Both Divas agree that Sandra often finishes pieces late and that they often don’t get what they ask for, but still if Cameron’s plan goes wrong, Naomi is putting all the blame on her.
Backstage – The Bella Twins Brie and Nikki grab some coffee backstage. Nikki actually calls the coffee from the canisters “our saviors”. Coffee is a major plot-point in this episode but I hesitate to claim “product placement” since I don’t see a brand name on any canisters. The twins and their boyfriends (John Cena and Daniel Bryan) are gonna hop on Cena’s private jet for a bit of what she calls “a life swap” (MATT: WHAT?!) to check out their respective homes in Tampa and Aberdeen, WA (MATT: Oh…). Cena’s home is opulent and Bryan’s is the more modest home he grew up in. (MATT: Technically, he really lives with Brie in their apartment, as was revealed last episode, but this probably makes for better television.)
Nikki says John’s house is perfect (not surprising, as she thinks everything about John is perfect), and that Brie will never want to leave. She then compares it to being at a resort and tells Brie to “wash the sheets when you’re done”. What Cena can’t afford a maid for his palace? (Methinks Bryan is gonna be making Brie scream “YES!” all night long…)
Backstage – Natalya, JoJo, and Eva Marie Eva Marie and JoJo are talking with Natalya over lunch. Natalya tells her to stay out of the treats as they have to “wear spandex for work” to which JoJo who is eating what appears to be a brownie on top of chocolate ice cream for them and tells her, “It’s OK, I’m 19, I can do it”. (MATT: This is like watching telegraphing the death of a Red Shirt on Star Trek.)
Eva Marie wastes no time in directing this conversation by telling Natalya that they had noticed that Fandango comes out with a different dance partner every time and Natalya agrees that he does as “he’s very particular and wants the best dancer he can get”.
Fandango comes to the table, calling them “single ladies” and kisses Natalya (MATT: After an uncomfortably long lean into it.), then moves to do the same with JoJo and Eva Marie. He asks if they’re staying out of trouble. Eva Marie flirts and says she is trying and he tells her she looks nice. Fandango explains that he has a “different girl in each city” (MATT: How this even still appeals to Eva, I will never know.), however, if they could find him a permanent girl who was “good looking enough and could move well”, he’d be in favor of it. The girls giggle like their brains left their head. Eva Marie says she can dance and wants to try out. Fandango flirts with her a bit more, saying he hopes they can dance together soon, then leaves telling Natalya to “keep a leash on her for me”. (MATT: I will NEVER know…)
Backstage – Brian James & The Divas Producer Brian James talks to the Diva and briefs them on the match between Brie vs. Naomi (though Nikki and Cameron will be accompanying them to the ring). Brian tells them they are the villains of the match and suggests they do the Twin Magic move they are famous for.
Nikki says their characters are “the biggest bitches you would ever come across and the nastiest” but insists they’re far different in real life. I believe this about Brie, I still haven’t seen sweetness from Nikki.
Monday Night RAW – Bellas vs. Funkadactyls Brie explains, on camera, that “Twin Magic” is their finisher move. It’s comprised of one twin hiding under the ring, with the other twin rolling out of the ring and under it to replace the hiding twin. (MATT: Somebody saw “The Prestige” and based the idea off that…) They do this at the match with Nikki (still pretending to be Brie) is the winner, but Naomi complains to the ref and the twins are disqualified. (MATT: I’m not getting how the ref didn’t realize that Nikki went from having enormous boobs to having nothing at all.) They have to get revenge Bella Style, so they both roll back in the ring and start beating on the Funkadactlys.
Backstage – Eva Marie and Talent Relations Eva Marie meets with Jane Geddes and Mark Carrano of Talent Relations and they talk about Fandango and the dance partner thing. Eva says she might be helpful as she has a dance background in ballet and ballroom dancing. Jane seems surprised to hear this, but takes Eva Marie at her word without asking questions like “How many years” or “Who did you train under?”. (MATT: Welcome to WWE: were everything is left to chance!) They say she can audition at the next RAW but stress she must take it seriously.
Backstage – JoJo, Eva Marie and Fandango JoJo sees Fandango after his match and tells him that Eva will be out there with him. Eva Marie appears out of nowhere (MATT: What, is she a Wallmaster?!) and when he asks her how she thinks he did out there, Eva replies, “I think you need me…we could make it work.” He leaves to take a shower. And he’ll think about her. In the shower. Also to “hit him up in Tampa”. Eva jokes with JoJo about how she should join him and scrub his back, but she ends up staying there. Eva Marie tells JoJo that she thinks she can do it — but then reveals that she can’t Ballroom Dance…and that she has zero dance experience. Liar liar, hair on fire, this is not going to end well.
Roanoke, VA
Airport and Bus Stop John tells Nikki to take only what she needs to survive the trip. But Nikki, being one of “those chicks”, has several luggage pieces and, in contrast, Bryan appears to only have a backpack with him. Nikki gets on the private plane, proclaming that she “never wants to travel any other way.” Brie asks if she’s wearing underwear, because reasons, and Nikki sounds shocked by the idea. She talks on camera about John’s hard work and lavish lifestyle. (Not to slam my own gender, but this girl sounds like a textbook gold digger a this point. Run, John, Run!)
Nikki complains that Eva Marie shows off too much cleavage, even changing her neckline, on the spot, to flirt and that she even mentioned working with John in some sort of mixed partners tag team event. Nikki will have none of that as she’s “a lioness” as she protects her own. “When I feel like people are threatening mine,” she says “well, then, you see the lion come out.” Assuming Nikki had confronted Eva Marie, that would have been more interesting than hearing about it later, but this is what they chose to show us. (MATT: Cena’s smirking through this just yells, “JESUS CHRIST, I’M ON A REALITY SHOW.”)
Despite Nikki’s obvious dislike of Eva Marie, an oblivious John praises Eva Marie (he doesn’t seem to know her name only that she’s the redhead) for standing out in a business where standing out is how you get over. Nikki gives him an angry look, and he looks sheepish. Nikki tries to change the subject and John has them toast with champagne to “an interesting adventure”.
Tampa, FL
Eva Marie and JoJo’s hotel room There’s a knock at the door. Eva Marie answers to discover that it’s her boyfriend, Jonathan, who flew out from California to surprise her. She seems madly in love and claims to be shaking, seeing him there. PS: they’ve been dating for only two and half months. JoJo had no idea Eva had a boyfriend and goes to read a book to give them privacy while Jonathan says stuff with Tony Scott subs again. Eva tells her to put on music (so as not to hear them having sex). He brings her donuts, to remember their first date at a donut shop. The donut box has a ring box in it. He says in just two hours of their first meeting, he knew she was “the one”. “I used to have the idea of the perfect woman and you blow all that our of the water. I love you so much it’s ridiculous. Then he asks Eva to marry him. Eva Marie wipes away tears and accepts. They kiss and not three minutes later, she’s running off to show BFF JoJo. JoJo seems happy but skeptical.
Los Angeles, CA
Ariane & Vincent Cameron is in the car with her boyfriend, Vincent, and on the phone with Designer Mike who is “the bomb.com” to get tag team outfits for her and Naomi. She describes what she wants: something lime green and sparkly with shorts with a rhinestone buckle that will get the crowd’s attention, and she wants it in 2-3 days. Designer Mike is totally up for this.
Tampa, FL
Cena’s house
Brie and Daniel walk down a long staircase, hand in hand. Brie is happy to see coffee is made. Nikki, dressed like an Italian Countess, gives them the Grand Tour. She and Daniel aren’t used to the extravagant lifestyle or all the rooms in his house. Among other amenities, he has a cigar room, a dressing room (MATT: A giant “dressing room”…REALLY?) which Daniel refers to as a giant closet, an elevator to the master bedroom, pool with outer grotto and a guest house. Brie and Daniel laugh over the fact that the guest house is not only bigger than the apartment that they share, it might be bigger than his childhood home (for which they plan on living after they retire). Now that he’s injured and she has quit – at least in kayfabe – I wonder if they spend any significant time there.
Nikki is driving Cena’s Maseratti (MATT: Slumming it since Cena’s Batmobile is in the shop.), but she’s driving it way too fast. She delights in telling Brie it can go 200 MPH. When Brie asks what she would do if she was pulled over in a car she doesn’t own, Nikki she says she will “show her tits and get out of a ticket”. The twins are hot and don’t most men fantasize about being with twins? I don’t think a cop would give them a speeding ticket if they were pulled over together even without Nikki taking “the girls” out of her shirt. Of course, they aren’t pulled over and we move on.
Brie says she and Daniel enjoys low key homes, but the extravagance of Cena’s place is very nice.
Eva Marie and JoJo’s hotel room Jonathan leaves Eva Marie she immediately springs into action to prepare for meeting with Fandango. She is wearing a very tight dress, stilettos and fake eye lashes. She says on camera, “Jane and Mark said it’s all about chemistry so I’m pulling out all the stops tonight.” Was she at the same meeting I saw, or did production for this show chop out some important pieces? The parts I saw seemed more they were interested in her dancing abilities than on-screen chemistry (which ironically, they already seem to have).
JoJo correctly deduces that Eva Marie didn’t mention the date (or as Eva Marie calls it a business meeting) to Jonathan. Marie calls Fandango “her mission” and she takes off her engagement ring, much to JoJo’s disgust. JoJo says, on camera, “Last time I checked, you don’t take off a ring for an engagement business meeting.”
John Cena’s House The four are swimming and diving and having fun. Daniel is teased a bit for doing the doggie paddle. Nikki is totally into it, telling the cameras “The thing about being at Johns’ house is, I feel like I’m in a rap video. I have my bikini, my Christal, I love it!”
Los Angeles
Stage Hollywood Costume Shop Cameron gets her costume from Mike, she loves it and it fits her perfectly.
Tampa, FL
Malio’s Prime Steakhouse
Eva Marie jokes that she’s surprised he came. They reminisce that they met at WM 29 and that Fandango lifted her hand to kiss it, but ended up kissing his own hand instead. She lies to him that she can dance and worries on camera that telling him the truth would probably be detrimental. When pressed, she says she can’t do a split since wrestling training has made her right hip tight. and he offers to massage her before they go out, and she can massage him after the match. He invites her to go out with the boys to a club and she accepts.
The nightclub, later that evening He tells her they’re gonna ballroom dance. On camera she muses, “You’d think this would be the time to tell him my secret, not being able to ballroom dance,” but of course, being someone who impulsively disobeys a direct order to change her hair color and impulsively accepting a proposal from someone she’s dated for less time than it takes to complete most college classes, she isn’t about to see the wisdom of own idea. Somehow, they end up just having him flirt more (saying she should wear a black dress for RAW with an “I’m with Fandango” sign on it) and she finally realizes she’s way in over her head.
Airport After spending three days at Cena’s home, they’re off to Daniel’s home in Aberdeen, Washington. On the jet, John challenges them to a Battle of the Sexes wood-cutting contest. The rules are these: the Divas only have to chop one piece of wood for every three John and Daniel do to win. The girls want “intimate massages” if they win. Daniel Bryan’s acts like this is the worst thing he’s ever heard, but they accept. Stakes are set at an intimate massage once a week for a month to the winning team.
Aberdeen, WA
Daniel’s Home Daniel asks Nikki what she thinks of the town and she says it’s cute. When pressed by Daniel for honesty, she admits she couldn’t live there full-time. Brie likes all the trees but admits she wishes it was sunny more often.
They arrive at his house which, while modest, many people could appreciate living in. When John notices there is no TV, Brian replied, “Yeah, it’s not my thing…we do have antlers though,” (there is a set mounted on the wall). Daniel gives them the tour which includes many simple things owned by his parents.
Nikki, however, isn’t impressed and complains on camera: “I can handle this for a hot minute, but Brie is going to be living here…forever.” Nikki further laments that while she thinks Brie living there will work for Daniel, she thinks it won’t make Brie happy long term. Brie, Nikki and John talk in the kitchen with Bryan absent as he’s trying to go get some wood logs for the contest. John asks Brie if she really thinks the place is big enough for the two kids she wants someday. Brie admits she’d make some changes. Nikki suggests she should start by getting rid of his parents’ furniture.
(MATT: Reason #73 to hate Cena and Nikki. That place does need work but it’s not bad at all.)
Tampa, Florida
Naomi and Jon’s apartment Cameron calls Naomi, excited that she has the new costumes. Naomi listens on speakerphone and Jon seems concerned that Cameron describes the costumes as “sexy” and says that bits of Naomi will be hanging out, so Jon might be mad. After the call, Jon mocks what Cameron said, and Naomi seems genuinely worried about how much the costume will show.
Aberdeen, WA
Daniel Bryan’s House The twins come out in tight jeans and skimpy tops to help them win the contest. Brie cuts a few well (MATT: Wearing high-heeled Clogs for this sorta thing really helps her, I guess.) but Nikki fails dramatically. She hurts herself and actually says, “Ow, I actually just hit myself in the vagina!” (MATT: Dialogue by Vince McMahon.) The girls get 8 so the boys need 25 to win. Nikki tries to distract John with showing more cleavage and bending over, but he says that won’t work because he “already has wood”. The cameraman, not content with a wood joke, gives us the obligatory shot of his crotch in jeans. Brie says she loves having a boyfriend who looks like a lumberjack. Bryan makes a show of chopping wood ridiculously slow, he gets only one and John complains that even Nikki cut two. Bryan says that he was trying to just get the tie. It’s obvious he did this out of love for Brie, and it’s sweet.
Nikki and John are cuddling in bed and, instead of enjoying a romantic moment with her, John suggests she gets more wine from the store. Nikki brings Brie because twins. Brie describes them as Cali girls and seems uneasy with willingness to trade sunny days for gloomy ones (as a CA transplant I empathize with this one), as well as a life she loves in San Diego. Nikki is disgusted with all the geese droppings around. Brie confesses to Nikki how hard it would be for her to live there without the sun and into a house she may not be able to change much. Nikki says she’d be unhappy without being near boutiques and in fact the house should be demolished and a new one put up in its place. (MATT: Boutiques! Bitches LOVE boutiques!)
Bok Center – Tulsa, OK
Backstage – Eva Marie, JoJo and Fandango Eva Marie, wearing a sexy black dress with blue sparkly accents, is freaking out about how she has to come clean and JoJo is little help, mainly mocking the situation. Eva Marie confesses to Fandango that she is nervous and he wonders why. Without trying to wait for a reason, he just tells her not to freak out on him.
Backstage – Natalya, Brodus Clay, JoJo, Cameron, Naomi, and Eva Marie Natalya gives Eva Marie two sparkly blue rhinestone bracelets and matching necklaces that work with the dress perfectly and tells The Funkadactyls that it’s a special night as Eva Marie is dancing with Fandango. Natalya says she should ask them for advice if she needs it as they are professional dancers. She sheepishly asks for advice on doing splits. Cameron is appalled that someone could dance and not do splits. This actually does make sense to me as splits also involve flexibility. Growing up I took tap, jazz and ballet for years (most girls in my neighborhood did) and even at my most flexible as a teen I could never complete a full down to the flood split.
Luckily the company is smart enough to have her audition with Fandango before the show in front of the Divas and Talent Management, though again this is the night of RAW. (MATT: NOBODY THOUGHT TO HAVE HER AUDITION DAYS BEFORE THIS?!) She didn’t consider taking a dance lesson or five that week? Google shows an Arthur Murray studio in Tampa! It’s RIGHT THERE.
Though Eva Marie prayed for her feet to do the right thing, God’s clear answer to her was “no”. She doesn’t use her arms in the entrance the way a classically-trained dancer would and she isn’t even walking gracefully. When paired with Fandango, she misses cues in the music and barely knows which way to turn or move, even when he’s using hand signals to show her. “Eva, if you’re a dancer, then I’m an astronaut!” Naomi says.
Jane walks off, clearly pissed and Fandango balks at trying again, walking to the backstage area. Mark confronts Eva, saying, “I’m not a trained dancer, and even I know that wasn’t good. Are you sure you’re a trained dancer?”
MATT: And my reaction to said bullshit.
Meanwhile, Cameron is excited to see Naomi’s costume but refuses to take off the long coat covering most of it as it doesn’t work for her body type. “All my cookies are hanging out,” she complains. Apparently there’s a crotch blur because the costume isn’t tailored right.
They are forced to go to Sandra, with their hat in their hand, to fix this. Cameron claims she was told to have sexier outfits. Sandra is appalled she’s been asked to fix someone else’s work and claims there’s not a lot she could do with Naomi’s costume anyway. An angry Cameron tells her if she won’t fix them, she won’t use Sandra anymore. Sandra seems totally kosher with this, but Naomi is appalled. Sandra makes them apologize for going behind their back repeatedly, then won’t fix the costume to boot. Instead, she sets them up with tight orange outfits with long pants with cutouts. This time, Naomi thinks they look great (she’s right) and Cameron is bummed that it shows little cleavage as her breasts are smaller than Naomi’s. Still, they make up in a minute flat just like last week and when they go out on stage with Tons of Funk, do a great job.
Backstage – Eva Marie Eva Marie is waiting in the “Authority Office” set. She realizes she let the lie go too far. Stephanie McMahon walks in and meets Eva Marie for the first time. “I don’t even know you, Eva Marie, but when you embarrass yourself, you embarrass the company and this is not OK.” Eva Marie confesses to the lie and says she will only be positive for the company from then on. Stephanie tells her if she screws up again she’ll be booted from WWE — and she won’t be back. She tells her she hopes that’s not the case and to take care, leaving Eva Marie in tears.
That’s this week’s episode.
This episode’s punches go to: Nikki and Eva Marie (tie) – Nikki seems more interested in what John can give her materially then who he is, I don’t even believe she knows his favorite color of middle name, she’s also trying way too hard to show off for her sister – Eva Marie – impulsively accepts an engagement only to be ready to throw him under the bus to have the chance to be Fandango’s Valet, then does absolutely nothing to prepare for the audition.
This episode’s hug goes to: JoJo – once again, we learn nothing about her personal life or how she sees herself professionally. She realizes Eva Marie is making all the wrong choices, yet she doesn’t really try to tell her this, (preferring to joke around and mostly hide her real opinions) and, other than that, she gets no real storyline for the second time in two episodes.
Community Season 6 Episode 3- “Basic Crisis Room Decorum” Air Date: March 24, 2015 Grade: B
There’s some I just can’t put my finger on, but there’s something off this season. The tone and the antics might seem one and the same, but it just isn’t the same in Season 6 of Community. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m interested to see if I can figure it out by the end of the season.
The episode begins with Annie being startled by an email and sounding the horn of Gondor to rally the study group/Committee to Save Greendale to an emergency session. Of course, this means sending a text to Frankie and the ensuing farce in the group text is great. Group texting as a whole is a dangerous proposition, but mix in the Dean’s delusions of his relationship with Jeff, and it’s amazing. In fact, the running gag between the Dean and the future head of the Yakuza was my favorite part of the episode.
It’s been awhile since we’ve had the specter of City College lurk over Greendale, but an attack ad featuring Greendale giving an (alleged) bachelor’s degree (not just a two-year degree) to dog is going to run at 7am. Personally, I don’t know what they’re really worried about because the ad is running, AT 7 AM IN THE DAMN MORNING, but I guess an attack on Greendale at any time is an attack on them all. Annie, Frankie, Jeff, and the Dean all show up as promised. Chang shows up (because he has a right to be there) and Britta rolls in drunk from her bartending job. Within a few minutes, she literally craps her pants and wanders out into the wilds of Greendale, only to return with Elroy Patashnik in tow, thus setting the scene in the “Situation Room”.
As the group views the ad, the truth dawns on them that the Dean may have actually given a degree to a dog. Is anyone actually surprised that this could happen at Greendale? To those that are still in doubt, remember the Dean’s dalmation costume from seasons past. Of course, Jeff does his usual shtick and decides to obscure and obfuscate the truth while Annie, now with her new-found partner-in-crime Frankie, go out in search of it. In the mean time, Chang decides to go shoot a porno on City College campus (while decked out in Greendale attire), and Britta goes on a quest to find coffee while wearing Elroy’s pants. While all of this is going on, Jeff and Abed remain in the situation room, crafting an attack ad on Ruffles the dog and asking the hard questions. How many puppies does she have around town? Does she maybe bark a little bit more at black mailmen?
The weakest part of the episode are the scenes between Elroy and Britta. They bond over their shared love of the band “Natalie is Freezing” and we see Britta go on a trip inside a music video, with Elroy snapping her out of it and sending her out in search of coffee once again. We get it, Britta is annoying, she’s in a terrible place, and it just seems like a huge waste of Gillian Jacobs. I personally don’t think the show has been the same since Troy (Donald Glover) left, and that grows more and more evident as the seasons progress. Troy brought an innocence, naivety, and good-heartedness that I feel the show needs, and with that gone, I believe that Community has lost its center, this shows especially during this benchmark 100th episode.
Of course, Frankie and Annie find proof that Ruffles in fact did NOT receive a degree….but only due to unpaid library fines. Of course, a dog could never pay library fines, but the real question is, how did a dog borrow a book from the Greendale library in the first place? Victory achieved (relative to Greendale), but Annie voices her concerns over smearing a dog and winning on a technicality. She threatens to leave if they go through with it, and the group calls her bluff. Of course, in the typical Community fashion, they bring her back in the end with a heartfelt mea culpa from Greendale and all is fine in the end.
This is where I’m really concerned for the direction of this show. I understand that it will be a bit clunky with the addition of two new characters, but it seems all too formulaic. This is a light-hearted show, but the reason why I loved watching this show week in and week out was that it was unique and it showed heart, as well as incredibly sharp writing. I just don’t see that anymore, and that concerns me. So far, the best things in the episodes have been the stingers at the end of the episodes, and this one keeps up the trend, being the prologue of a Japanese teenager’s descent into organized crime.
Oh, and how many of us are morbidly curious to see Chang’s genius arthouse solo porno?
“RICO” opens with a flashback of Bob Odenkirk, his “Slippin’ Jimmy” days in the rearview mirror, as he pushes a mail-cart down the halls of HHM. His route ends in a back room where Kim opens an envelope containing his Bar results for him. Learning of his acceptance, they embrace in a full on kiss and we see another layer to their nebulous half-formed relationship that continues in the show’s present day. Meanwhile, Charlie is still the juggernaut lawyer that sprung Jimmy from jail. Upon finding out that his brother became a lawyer, Charlie is flabbergasted. Not proud nor happy, merely confused that this event could happen and that it is in fact genuine. His esquire status is real and though his circuitous route lacks glamour, it more than makes up for it with hustle. Despite this stunning achievement, when Jimmy asks his brother (a name partner of the firm) for a job, Charlie deflects an outright rejection by citing his need to check with the other partners.
This answer comes sooner than a piece of congratulatory cake. Hamlin gives us the answer, well not so much us, as just Jimmy. Sadly we’re on the outside, forced to watch Hamlin talk down to Jimmy dutifully perched on a stool in a Dwight Shrute short-sleeved button-up. Our only audio is the droll monotony of the copy machine. The audio resumes when Howard opens the door, calling back “let’s reassess in six months.” And we know enough.
Back in the present, Jimmy is pushing forward with his Elder Law practice. In true, anti-Saul fashion, Jimmy forgoes his meager fee till his client receives her allowance the following month. He’s about to press on until he doubles back, the term “allowance” ringing in his ears. There he learns about the assisted living facilities shakedown style billing practices. When he returns to the establishment, he is forcibly removed, causing him to draft a “legal document” on a scrawl of TP to cease the back office’s document shredding. Again h’s physically escorted out, the consummate little man with unconventional means trying to fight the establishment. Despite this setback, Jimmy doesn’t give up. Jimmy never gives up! Look at how he became a lawyer: University of American Samoa, distance learning on nights and weekends, and three bar attempts. With his options limited, he does the antithesis of what an “ambulance chaser” would do. Ruining his Matlock attire, he dumpster dives for the shredded documents. And labors to piece the evidence back together.
Elsewhere, Mike reconnects with his daughter-in-law. She’s looking for someone to babysit and Mike jumps at the chance to be in his granddaughter’s life. When she comes back from her shift they begin to talk about her growing debt and need for more money. This leads Mike back to the vet who stitched up his gunshot wound looking for work more lucrative than his current toll job.
For better or worse (it remains to be seen) Chuck offers to help Jimmy get this case off the ground. Jimmy, just wanting Chuck to be proud of him, accepts, and in a bit of teamwork, the two are able to piece together the documents and find “the smoking gun”. It’s here that we see where Chuck supersedes Jimmy’s hard work. He effortlessly rattles off the necessary case files they’ll need relegating Jimmy to note taking. The lawyers to Sandpiper shows up and Chuck tightens up, rattled at outsiders coming into his electronics free zone. The opposing lawyers propose a settlement, and while Jimmy doesn’t agree with their figure, Chuck brazenly gives them a counter offer significantly higher than their previously estimated figure.
The episode ends with Chuck so busy and in the zone with the case that he forgets his malady and ventures outside to get some files in Jimmy’s car. It’s only once Jimmy alerts him of his current location that we’re left wondering how he’s going to react.
With every new episode of Better Call Saul, I find myself asking, “where will it all go wrong?” We know what James McGill becomes, but we don’t know how. In “RICO” we see Jimmy and Mike going down two very different paths that we know will cross again. Jimmy, during his foray into elder law, stumbles across a scam that is ripping off his clients. Mike, true his character all along, needs to provide for his granddaughter and goes about it in a questionable manner. Moments of light and dark; like a pointillist painting. The series is speckled with good and bad choices, so that when you take a step back the answer to this “how” shows itself in stark clarity.
The what ifs abound, but Gilligan’s shows are all about consequences. The consequences of dumb moments of happenstance that make up these characters lives. We know there isn’t a happy ending, we’ve been paying attention.This fact makes the eighth episode of “RICO” all the more heart-wrenching. The ability for Jimmy to help his clients, establish himself as a legitimate lawyer, work with his brother, and better himself financially all seem within reach; like a mirage.
Thirteen years later, The X-Files will return to television with a six-episode event series. The series will be helmed by creator Chris Carter with stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson returning in their roles as iconic FBI Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
“I think of it as a 13-year commercial break,” said Carter in the press release. “The good news is the world has only gotten that much stranger, a perfect time to tell these six stories.”
Production on the event series will being in Summer 2015.
The X-Files originally premiered in September 1993. The show follows FBI special agents Scully (Anderson) and Mulder (Duchovny) as they investigate unexplained cases – “X-Files” – for which the only answers involve paranormal phenomena.
After this show, WWE departs for my neck of the woods as Santa Clara/San Jose is the final stop on The Road to WrestleMania.
Despite all my carrying on, I’m actually stoked to be going to this event, to WrestleMania — if Dougie hasn’t shown up yet to clue you all in that “I’m paying for WrestleMania” yet.
There. You can stop trolling the threads now, Dougie. Lol bro. Or whatever.
Anyhow, I love wrestling and WWE despite what everyone may or may not think. I love covering it. And, judging by the multitude of readers who read and comment across three blogs, you love clicking on the recap and seeing what the hell I care about watching some dude pretending to be Russian and representing Rusev.
I am excited about WrestleMania because I believe this stuff can be GREAT again.
THIS is the “going home” show before WrestleMania…let’s see if WWE can get some last-second buys…
We are LIVE(!!!) from Los Angeles, California for WWE RAW!!!
Cole, JBL and Booker are the guys on the mics.
TONIGHT:
Brock and Roman go face to face.
Bill Simmons and Snoop Dogg are here.
Sting starts us out. At least I think this is him. Michael Cole hasn’t freaked out about the arena suddenly going dark yet.Crowd loves him. He yells out loud for them. He says that, when he was with WCW, he watched Triple H rise and bury WCW. He’s not here to fight for WCW as that would be pointless. He’s here to take Triple H down.
Out comes Steph. She calls him “WCW’s last holdout”. Finally, he knows what it’s like to be in the “big time”. Sting calls her a spoiled little brat who thinks she earns what she’s gotten. Then he condescends to her: “But it’s nice to finally meet ya’, Steph.” She says that Sting was a minnow in a tiny pond when he was in WCW. She says he’s loyal…like a dog. Dogs are stupid. She doesn’t wanna call him a dog. She says that Sting lost everything. His integrity and pride are gone. And the rest of him will be gone when he loses to Triple H at WrestleMania. She calls him a “face-painted freak”.
Sting whoops at the audience. Steph tries to slap him. He blocks it. Triple H comes out to the ring, loosening his tie and tossing it away. He approaches the ring, asks Steph if she’s ok, then takes off his jacket and rolls his sleeves up. Crowd chants “THIS IS AWESOME” as Steph goes for a sledge from under the ring — but Sting has his baseball bat — and he invites Triple H into the ring. Sting, off-mic: “You got a sledgehammer. I’ve got a bat. C’mon, make a move!”
Instead, Triple H chickens out and walks back to the aisle. Sting removes his coat and drops the bat. He tells Triple H to get in the ring. Triple H starts to…but Steph eventually holds him back and the two heels back off and retreat.
PLEASE live up to what you guys just kicked the show off with.
TONIGHT: We get to choose Randy Orton’s opponent. Will it be Big Show, Kane or Seth Rollins & his Security Goofs?
Backstage, Paige and AJ yack.
MATCH #1: Dean Ambrose & R-Truth vs. Luke Harper & Stardust Holy shit, a spot where Truth wrestles and doesn’t steal anything? I’m not used to this. Truth starts with Star as Barrett is on commentary. Star gets tossed from the ring, then yells at Barrett that the belt is “his”. Cole just can’t leave well enough alone and calls Star “Gollum-like”. Tag to Ambrose and a tag to Harper and the Battle of the Wife Beaters commences as Ambrose puts him in a wristlock. Harper breaks it but Ambrose hits a nice flying lariat off an Irish Whip. Ambrose hits a sitting dropkick and Crucifix Pin for two. He hits a bulldog and Star gets into the ring. Truth and Ambrose dump him, then toss Harper. We go to break.
When we come back, Star has Ambrose locked in a cross armlock. Ambrose fights out but Star counters with an Alabama Slam for two. Tag to Harper and he works Ambrose’s eyes with a gouge. He slings Ambrose’s neck into the middle ring ropes and gets two. Ambrose tries a rush but Harper hits a Spinning Sidewalk Slam for two. Tag to Star. He tries a Superplex. Ambrose tosses him to the mat. Star quickly gets up and tags Harper. Harper nails Ambrose, then goes outside to taunt Ambrose. When he comes back, he runs into Ambrose who rolls him back in the ring.
Ambrose hits a Tornado DDT, then hits a hot tag to R-Truth. Truth takes out both men and hits a Sitting Suplex Bomb. Ambrose gets into the ring and hits a Comeback Clothesline on Harper who bails. Flying Psycho by Ambrose. Star freaks out and watches. He turns around and runs right into What’s Up? Truth gets the pin at 10:39. WINNERS: Truth & Ambrose
RATING: **1/4. Not bad. As excited one can be for a match featuring three of the four weakest stars on the roster. At least Cole didn’t end every sentence in “izzle”.
Renee Young has this year’s Special Olympics candidates.
We get a response from Roman Reigns via TV interview backstage. Aren’t we supposed to have a Face-to-Face meet?
Apparently, JBL and Bill Simmons “don’t like each other” because of passive aggressive tweets.
Also, The Miz and Damien Miz-dow interviewed Kevin Hart and Will Ferrell where Miz acts like an arrogant jackass and Ferrell and Hart like Miz-dow better. They show a minute of it which is about a minute too long. Then they offer the rest “on the WWE App”.
MATCH #2: The Miz, Damien Miz-dow, The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor), & Adam Rose vs. Titus O’Neil, Darren Young, Ryback, Erick Rowan and Zack Ryder in a Ten-Man Tag Team Match ESPN’s Bill Simmons joins the commentary team. Miz and Titus start off, Crowd doesn’t care and chants for Miz-dow. Titus hits backbreakers and tosses Miz backward. Tag to Young. Titus suplexes him on top of Miz. Miz hits a chinbreaker to gain momentum. He teases a Miz-dow tag but Rose gets it instead. Young hits an inverted Atomic Drop and swinging neckbreaker. Tag to Harper who beats Rose up in the corner. Harper puts Rose in the corner and tags Ryder. Rose hits a clothesline and it’s a tag to The Ascension so they can get their licks in. Young saves a pin. Miz-dow gets a tag. Miz tells him to stop it and tag him back in. Miz-dow does. Ryder drops Miz’s head on the mat. Ryder hits the hot tag to Ryback. Press to Miz and a Spinebuster. He goes for the Meathook. Rose comes in to interfere. Ryback drops him. Ascension in. They get dumped by Ryback. Miz boots Ryback and kicks at him bur Ryback hits a clothesline and Shell Shock and we’re done at 5:48. WINNERS: The Faces
RATING: *. This was just a bunch of guys waiting for Ryback to outshine them. It’s weird to see a bunch of vets in singles matches — and the rest of the card relegated to “piles of bodies” matches.
LAST MONDAY: Orton was gonna be attacked except Sting showed up.
Randy Orton comes to the ring. Booker says that Orton’s opponent is…
Seth Rollins with 77 percent of the vote. At this point, the remaining 23% who voted for Show and Kane have got to be trolling.
MATCH #3: Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins, Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury in a Handicap Match Mercury starts this thing out. Orton drops him to the mat, face-first, then demands Rollins get in the ring. Mercury tags Noble instead. Orton just shoves him to the mat and stomps at his shins. He throws Noble out of the ring like a bag of meat and goes after Rollins. There’s a brief scuffle and Rollins kicks Orton in the head. Noble stomps at Orton and drops elbows. Orton retaliates with a clothesline, then takes out Mercury. He tosses Noble out and powerslams Mercury in stride. He hits a Double Rope Drop DDT on both men as Rollins just glares. He calls for an RKO. Rollins runs into the ring for a Curb Stomp but he misses. Orton nearly hits an RKO but Rollins counters and shoves him into Mercury, who gets clothes-lined outside. He turns back to Rollins, who bails. Noble tries to sneak up on Orton who just RKO’s him into next week and gets the pin at 3:19. WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO
RATING: *1/2. Other than that, build-up was nice. I just expected more from a handicap match.
John Cena was interviewed in the Barbara Walters Room of Doom.
TONIGHT: Swagger takes on Rusev.
AJ approaches Paige about the Divas Title match tonight. They argue over who should fight against Nikki — only they offer each other the title shot. Paige calls her “crazy” for passing up on the opportunity. This doesn’t sit well with AJ.
We go to break.
MATCH #4: Paige (challenger) (w/ AJ Lee) vs. Nikki Bella (champion) (w/ Brie Bella) for the WWE Divas Championship Initial lock-up goes nowhere. Paige charges Nikki, then headbutts her. She knees Nikki in the chin/neck/boobs/not sure because of the editing, then says this is her house. Nikki gets back in the ring tosses Paige to the mat and does push-ups. Paige attacks her and Nikki rolls out of the ring. Paige isn’t through with her and flies at her with a knee. She rolls Nikki back into the ring but Nikki comes back, smashing Paige’s face with her knee. When we come back from a break, Nikki has Paige in a headlock. Paige breaks but Nikki puts Paige down with a Spinebuster. Two count. She taunts Paige with slaps to the head, so Paige kicks her and the two women rush at each other. They both eat a clothesline and hit the mat. Paige hits clotheslines and a dropkick. Two count. Paige rushes Nikki who elbows her and dropkicks her. Two count. Nikki sets up the Forearm but misses. Paige hits a Crescent Kick for two. Paige gets up and goes for the Ram-Paige but Nikki counters with a Small Package cradle for two. A series of counters and Nikki hits an Alabama Slam for a CLOSE fall. Nikki goes for the Rack Attack but Paige fights out and hits the Ram-Paige. TWO COUNT. Paige can’t believe it. Crowd is big-time into this. Paige tries to pull Nikki to the center of the ring. Paige flies out of the ring with her. Brie tries to get involved, so AJ takes her out. Paige goes to thank her and eats an AJ elbow for her troubles. Nikki rolls Paige into the ring. Rack Attack and Nikki retains at 10:41. WINNER: NIKKIWINSLOL via Rack Attack
RATING: **1/2. At this point, I’m convinced Nikki’s not just sucking Cena off.
Post-match, Paige attacks AJ. And we’re going back down this route, I guess.
ON SMACKDOWN: Bryan jobbed to Dolph Ziggler. Tune in next week, when he jobs to Zack Ryder.
TONIGHT: You get to help overbook tonight’s match choose the special guest referee in the match between Ziggler and Bryan by voting on the WWE App.
NEXT: Snoop Dogg.
Lilian Garcia introduces Snoop Dogg. This oughta give me time to scope out the Best of Monday Night Open Mic. Oh wait. Curtis Axel has a problem with Snoop Dogg. He says that he doesn’t like “SnoopMania.” Snoop doesn’t care. The only important “Mania” is this one:
Hulk Hogan appears for, like, the sixth time in a year, which is like five more times than The Undertaker. He doesn’t know about AxelMania. He asks what Axel’s been smoking. Axel tears off his shirt and attacks Hogan. Hogan hits him and Snoop tosses him out of the ring. They pose for about 80 minutes.
We get the Brock Lesnar video interview from last week.
ON THE WRESTLEMANIA KICK-OFF SHOW: The Fatal Four-Way Tag Team Championship between The Usos, Tyson & Cesaro, The New Day and Los Matadores.
MATCH #5: WWE Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro & Natalya vs. Los Matadores (Fernando & Diego) & El Torito in a Six-Being Interspecies Tag Team Match Fucking hell. I skip this shit on Smackdown, so WHY am I seeing it on RAW? Cesaro shoulderblocks Matador I Don’t Care About #1. Matador #1 comes back with a body splash for a one-count. Torito is in with Nattie who smiles because I’m convince that the Botox has reduced her to that and “pissed off”. Tyson tags himself in and evades Matador #2 or #1. Cesaro comes in for a short cover. Meanwhile, the Usos and Naomi’s boobs join the commentary team. Cesaro hits the Swing Kick. Tyson locks in a headlock. Matador breaks and Tyson goes top rope, only to eat a dropkick. Hot tags on both sides. Matador beats up Cesaro and tags in Torito who nearly pins Cesaro. Matador dumps Cesaro from the ring. This leaves Torito, who pins Nattie with a Sunset Flip. JBL just highlights how far Nattie’s fallen in WWE by asking, “Has Bret Hart ever been pinned by a bull?” WINNER: Matadors and El Torito
RATING: DUD.
Barrett is backstage. Kane approaches him and says that he needs to collect Barrett’s IC Title, so he can “dangle it above the ring”. Barrett is reluctant, but gives him the belt.
NEXT: Rusev vs. Swagger
ON SMACKDOWN: 8-MAN TAG MATCH featuring Roman Reigns, John Cena, Mark Henry & Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt, Seth Rollins, Kane and Big Show
MATCH #6: WWE United States Champion Rusev vs. Jack Swagger (non-title) JBL reminds us that Rusev’s the reason we haven’t seen Zeb Colter. Continuity! Rusev kicks at Swagger in the corner, then beats on him. Swagger fights back but Rusev clotheslines him. He kicks Swagger repeatedly, then puts on a clutch. Swagger finally fights out and hits a Big Boot. He hits a huge clothesline, which knocks Rusev down. He rushes Rusev but Rusev goes for a kick. Swagger catches him and tries the Patriot Lock. Rusev kicks out. Rusev beats Swagger in the corner again, then clotheslines him. Rusev hits a HUGE Superkick and the Accolade for the win at 4:36. WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: More of the same from Rusev.
Rusev won’t break The Accolade, so here comes Cena to break his face. They battle in the ring, then fight outside. Rusev gets the upper hand and tosses Cena into the crowd barrier. He picks Cena up and shoves him into the ringpost. He picks Cena up again and tosses him into the announce table. Rusev picks up the Russian flag and waves it. A ref tends to Cena who looks hurt. Rusev sees this and puts the flag down. He takes Cena out with a Flying Superkick, then starts stripping the announce table. He picks Cena up and slams him, face-first, into the table. He climbs the table and locks in The Accolade until Cena passes out, while six refs tug lightly at Rusev’s arms, saying “Stop it.”
MOMENTS AGO: Rusev kicks the shit out of John Cena.
Cole, JBL and Booker assess what just happened. Cole surmises that Cena “is no longer 100 percent”.
Bray Time. He comes to the ring and says that everyone hates. That’s all they do. They care only about money and hate who they are in life. They lie to themselves. He’ll give them all the truth: The Undertaker is a liar. He’s just like everyone else. He’s hiding the fact that he lost. He says that angel wings are here to take him back to the other side.
We hear rumbling and see lights flashing as the arena lights up like the Tiki Room at Disneyland. He says that The Undertaker’s spirits are all in Bray Wyatt’s control now, not The Undertaker’s. He says there will be no redemption or shield. Sister Abigail’s Kiss will end him. Then, he will take his rightful place amongst the gods as the new face of fear. He says that once WrestleMania is over, The Undertaker will finally rest in peace. Aaaaaand, still no ‘Taker. Even on the Raw before ‘Mania. Sigh…
Diesel/Kevin Nash is the final inductee into the 2015 WWE Hall of Fame.
Nattie is backstage, doing her make-up. Tyson is eating Burger King. He talks to his food like he talks to her. Nattie smile-frowns through it, then pretends to like what she’s eating.
Oh, look. Daniel Bryan’s out here and he’s more over than Reigns. Funny that. So’s Ziggler. Booker gives us our Special Guest Referee and it’s…
Dean Ambrose. Wonder how many people tried voting for Kane and Big Show.
MATCH #7: Daniel Bryam vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Special Guest Referee Dean Ambrose Initial lock-ups and quick back and forth to start. Then an actual Test of Strength. Ziggler puts Bryan in a corner and beats on him. Big elbow by Ziggler. One count. Ziggler puts Bryan in the corner and it’s a slap and punch fight. Bryan flips over Ziggler in the corner, then ends up outside. Ziggler chases and Bryan uses his legs to pull Ziggler outside as well. Bryan misses a flying knee outside. Ziggler runs at Bryan and takes him out. When we get back from break, Ziggler has a Sleeper on Bryan. Bryan breaks it and goes for a Fame-Asser but Bryan rolls Ziggler up fro two. Ziggler attacks and Bryan hits a German Suplex for two. Bryan goes top rope but Ziggler knocks him off. He goes for a Superplex but Bryan blocks it and punches at Ziggler. Ziggler falls to the mat, then leaps up, grabbing Bryan by the head, and pulls him down into the mat for a close fall. Ziggler goes for a Zigg Zagg but Bryan fights him off and tries a Backslide pin. Ziggler reverses for two. Bryan kicks Ziggler in the corner and then hits a rushing dropkick. Ziggler hits a Superkick when Bryan comes rushing in and hits the Superkick for the win at 10:54. Boy, that “special guest referee” gimmick really added to the match, didn’t it? WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING: **3/4. Got going late and never really got to the level of the match on Smackdown.
Post-match, Dean predictably hits Ziggler with Dirty Deeds, goes under the mat for a ladder and goes for the IC Title which is hanging above the ring CUZ REMEMBER KANE PUT IT UP THERE HIMSELF. Barrett stops him and the rest of the IC Title fighters come out to join the fight. Bodies fly everywhere. Barrett hits a Bullhammer on Bryan because he hasn’t been buried enough in two shows. Ziggler hits a Superkick on Barrett. More fighting and the ladder gets knocked over. Everyone’s down and…that’s that. Everyone’s down and not getting up.
Backstage, Heyman knocks on the dressing room door of Brock Lesnar and tells him that “it’s time”.
Finally, at 11 PM PST / 2 AM EST, out comes Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Heyman plugs Lesnar vs. Reigns. He says that either Lesnar is great like he’s been saying — or he isn’t. The same goes for Reigns. He says that Lesnar makes failures out of everyone who has stepped in front of him. He says that everyone doubted Lesnar’s ability to beat The Undertaker and John Cena. Both men were beaten. He says that people call Lesnar a “mercenary”. The problem is that Lesnar actually enjoys beating people up. He says Lesnar’s the type who will fuck wives and eat kid’s food. Sheesh. Paul Heyman says that Reigns keeps saying “he will” beat Lesnar. But Lesnar says he CAN’T…and he WON’T.
Out comes Reigns. The two men face off, as promised. Lesnar holds the belt in Reigns’ face. Reigns grabs it. Lesnar grabs back…and we go off the air?! Ok.
OVERALL: **1/2. Not a bad “going home” show…it’s gonna be an interesting WrestleMania. It’s time for WWE to reap what they’ve sewn.
That’s it for me for this week.
I will probably be posting the WrestleMania Trip Report starting on Thursday with Axxess. If you’re going to WrestleMania, feel free to find me and talk me up. I’m not that much of an asshole in real life. 🙂
And, of course…the best of the internet water cooler on this week’s action:
There I was, pressed against the wall, only peeking out long enough to count the guards. Two. Only two guards standing between me and my goal. Crouching alongside a car conveniently abandoned between me and the enemies allowed me to creep in range. One thrown bullet casing was all it took to pique the curiosity of one of the guards. While he wandered off, questioning whether or not the sky was falling, my night stick became acquainted with the back of his partners head. One.
By the time the goon turned around and spotted me it was too late. I whipped out my secret weapon. The embodiment of truth, justice, and righteousness — my badge! Frozen in awe, I ordered him on the ground and although I had cuffed around 200 of his friends in the last ten minutes, I still had at least one pair left for him.
You’d be forgiven if you assumed that was a scene out of one of the Splinter Cell or a Metal GearSolid game, but nope, this was my experience playing Battlefield: Hardline. You step into the shoes of Nick Mendoza, a cop on Miami’s Vice unit fighting to put a stop to the city’s cocaine drug war. The campaign is broken down by episodes, complete with “previously on” and “next time on” cheesy intros and outros. And when I say cheesy, I mean full on “liquid gold Velveeta” cheese. It bounces from the drug war to dirty cops before turning into a revenge plot. More often than not, Hardline feels like a parody or low budget version of shows like CSI and Law and Order.
While the story may be ridiculous and forgettable, the gameplay in Hardline’s single player campaign is actually quite interesting. The developers over at Visceral Games decided to forgo the linear first person shooter formula of Battlefield campaigns past and instead allow the player to have choice in how they approach a given situation.
As described in my opening, you could play through the majority of the campaign using stealth and nonlethal tactics. With the level design featuring wide open maps with various pathways, you’re rewarded for planning out a game plan and executing it with precision. Approaching three or fewer enemies undetected allows you to “freeze” them by flashing your badge, at which point you can cuff them one by one with your endless supply of handcuffs. Seriously, Nick’s pants must have been imbued with an Undetectable Extension Charm (insert genital joke here).
While tackling each situation silently gains you more “expert points” to unlock new weapons and gadgets, you can still run and gun through every level if your heart so desires.The controls handle like your typical first person shooter and the environmental destruction that has become the calling card of the Battlefield franchise is still present in Hardline, so you won’t be in unfamiliar territory. In fact, I found myself using a mix of both stealth and guns blazing in my playthrough, which allowed me to channel my inner John McClane and still max out my expert level. I applaud Visceral for giving me this option and hope to see other developers adopt this.
While I enjoyed Hardline’s single player efforts, the star of the Battlefield franchise has always been multiplayer. I am here to report that Battlefield: Hardline multiplayer plays like… well like Battlefield. The focus is on large, open maps, with high player counts and vehicles everywhere. Hardline adds some new wrinkles to the formula by including a cops vs criminals motif.
In Heist mode, playing on the side of the Criminals finds you and your teammates attempting to rob a vault and transport a duffel bag full of money to an extraction point with limited respawns. Unlike the Criminals, Cops have unlimited respawns which helps balance the fact that extracting the bags results in an instant win for the Criminals. Hotwire mode is similar to traditional Conquest, except instead of holding down stationary points, you capture and drive vehicles at high speeds to gain points. Blood Money is capture the flag, if the flag was a stack of cash. The common theme being that these are all modes that experienced Battlefield players have played before, just with some added pizzazz.
This brings me to Hardline’s biggest problem; it just feels too much like Battlefield 4. Take a look at any internet thread about Hardline’s multiplayer and you’ll find a number of concerned citizens (*read Trolls) stating how it’s just an overpriced mod. While I think the single player is fresh, if you are still playing Battlefield 4’s multiplayer and enjoying it, I’m not sure the “new” modes here are different enough to justify buying a brand new game.
From a technical standpoint Hardline ran smooth (at least on the Xbox One). Even with the large player counts, I never experienced frame rate drops or lag. In what can only be described as some sort of miracle, Hardline’s severs have held up fine since launch and I’ve had no issues finding matches. While the game ran fine, somehow the graphics fare worse this year, with environments and textures appearing flat and dull on most maps. The audio is top notch as always but fails to make up for the muddied visuals.
Battlefield Hardline is an over the top, cheesy cop movie with interesting gameplay mechanics bundled with a familiar multiplayer experience. It reminds me deciding to buy the “s” variations of the iPhone. If you’ve never owned an iPhone, or it has been some time since your last one, then the “s” is great and fresh. If you currently have last year’s model you’re probably better off just waiting for the next one. Either way you’re getting a solid, if not revolutionary, product and that is Battlefield Hardline in a nutshell.
The full trailer for Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation has been released today by Paramount Pictures. The fifth film in the Mission: Impossible franchise pits Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and what’s left of the IMF against the Syndicate, an equally skilled rogue organization committed to destroying the IMF.
Along with former team members Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg), William Brandt (Jeremy Renner), and Luther Stickell (Ving Rhames), the film introduces a mysterious new ally played by Rebecca Ferguson, and Alec Baldwin as a shadowy figure with likely ties to the Syndicate.
Directed by Christopher McQuarrie, Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation premieres in theatres and IMAX on July 31st, 2015.
The Walking Dead Season 5, Episode 15 – “Try” Air Date – March 22, 2015 Grade: B
With the season finale looming, The Walking Dead is quick to stoke the fires of conflict in Alexandria. Tensions are higher than ever following last week’s disastrous supply run; we find Rick running out of patience with the naive townsfolk as casualties and conflicting accounts on both sides blind everyone to a growing threat beyond the gates. While he tries to deal with the Jessie’s abusive husband Pete, others from Rick’s group cling to memories of life outside the walls, Daryl and Aaron discover more mutilated zombies with the letter “W” carved into their foreheads, and Carol bakes a passive-aggressive tuna casserole.
“Try” largely focuses on the connection Rick and his group still have to life before Alexandria. Some, like Glenn and Michonne, understand the need to stay within the community and make it work, while others continue to be wary of the complacency that security brings. Sasha remains isolated from the rest of the community–when she isn’t in the watchtower, she goes on solitary expeditions to hunt walkers in the woods. Even Carl, who has been following Enid as she climbs the walls and ventures into the forest, finds solace in roaming free in the wilderness.
Rick, however, continually sees the lines between life within and beyond the walls becoming blurred. To him, the rules of the world are simple and universal. He brings the news of Pete’s abuse of his family to Deanna, but it turns out that she already knows. When she refuses to consider execution, Rick decides to confront Pete himself, and the ensuing brawl spills into the street. It’s a bloody, visceral fight that finally stops after drawing the attention of the entire town. In his anger, Rick pulls a gun on the town and gives a speech that stops just shy of calling the Alexandrians “sheeple.” Berating them for their weakness and timidity, he seems ready to declare a hostile takeover when Michonne finally knocks him unconscious.
It’s still surprisingly difficult to get a good read on Deanna’s thoughts and motivations. A former politician and semi-professional poker player, she absorbs more information than she reveals and claims to possess a talent for reading people. Unfortunately, her interactions thus far haven’t provided any evidence to suggest she’s particularly skilled at anything. She was nothing but optimistic and welcoming at first, but Gabriel’s warning and Aiden’s death have driven her predictably towards a less favorable opinion of Rick and the other newcomers. Still, there are moments that hint at her having a wiser, more measured understanding of the situation. After Nicholas provides her a more self-serving account of the supply run and blames Glenn for Aiden’s death, she gravely reminds him, “You don’t know what I see, Nicholas… And I see a great deal.” However, the rest of the episode is filled with a much more predictable mistrust and hostility towards Rick, so it still remains to be seen whether she’s as naive and impulsive as the rest of the townsfolk.
“Try” isn’t the most thrilling lead up to next week’s finale–from the looks of it, we’re mostly just in for a town hall meeting. It’s an episode that mostly coasts from last week’s inertia, and doesn’t do much to raise the stakes for the conflict we all already know is coming. Rick’s interactions with Jessie were more awkward than they needed to be, and Carl’s slow motion romp through the forest added a bit of unintentional comedy. Still, there’s the looming threat of the group behind the zombie mutilations, and it turns out that Nicholas is in possession of Chekhov’s blender gun, so there are plenty of ways that everything can (and invariably will) go wrong.
When you’re listening to “Somewhat Damaged” by Nine Inch Nails off of your dead son’s “RUNMIX” CD, the last thing you’re probably in the mood for is tuna casserole.
“People die now, Deanna. They do. There’s times like this, you can decide who and when. Or it can be decided for you.”
“In here is the same as out there… If you don’t fight, you die”
“You still don’t get it. We know what needs to be done and we do it. We’re the ones who live.”
What if who we thought was Morgan is actually Evil Morgan, a.k.a. Worgan, and he’s the one responsible carving the W into all the zombies?
Are you ready for another Mission Impossible movie? You better be! The trailer for Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation has just dropped!
The fifth movie in the Mission Impossible franchise will star Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt. Rogue Nation will also star Jeremy Renner, Ving Rhames, Alec Baldwin, Rebecca Ferguson, Johnny Harris, and Simon McBurney.
Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation hits theaters July 31, 2015.
12 Monkeys Season 1, Episode 10 – “Divine Move” Air Date: March 20, 2015 Grade: A-
It’s all crystal clear now, Cole is Kyle Reese, Cassie is Sarah Connor, and well, you’ll find out who plays The Terminator! The entire season of “12 Monkeys” so far has been a roller coaster thrill ride of epic proportions and this week’s episode is no exception.
We pick up with Ramse destroying the meeting room, burning the collected clues on the wall, and stealing the injections that Cole needs to travel back in time. The bromance is truly dead as his interest is solely on protecting his family. Still, seeing him so adamantly against Team Splinter after being a part of it for so long is unsettling to say the least.
In 2015, Cassie and Aaron are enjoying normalcy as they try to figure out what to do next now that they’ve saved the world. Apparently that includes some sexy time until Cole enters, completely ruining their moment. While Cole is relieved to see the virologist alive again, she is completely surprised and shocked by his appearance. Aaron gets completely upset since it means that they have to get back in the game and I’m sure he’s none too pleased that his competition is back. He storms off after yelling at Cole that he doesn’t know how to save Cassie and stop the virus from spreading.
RAMSE SMASH!!
Cassie then realizes that Peters, who was previously a Markridge scientist and had been at the CIA, must be how the virus gets loose. She finds his last known address via the CDC’s database and Team Casserole heads out. Unfortunately as they drive over, Cassie’s mood is decidedly dark as she confesses that the situation seems hopeless. Cole understands as he struggles with his own damaged relationship with Ramse that feels irreparable.
Their destination turns out to be lab with a dead body inside and the tell tale signs of Pallid Man’s work (more flowers to mask the smell of death). The Army of the 12 Monkeys have beaten them yet again. The victim this time was Peters’ husband and they figure the scientist must have been coerced into recreating the M-510. Cassie does manage to find Peters’ personal journal and discovers that the plague’s origin, aka the body, was excavated in the Himalayas during the 80s. There’s also a clipped Japanese article inside and Cole decides that this has to be another clue, remembering Leland Goines’ claiming to have met him in 1987. While Cole is excited with this new development, Cassie remains apathetic. She recites monotonously that she’ll use her capacity with the CDC to trace any shipments of animals for testing that Peters’ will undoubtedly need, thereby tracking him. Cole confronts her and Cassie admits knowing that splintering is killing him. He tries to reassure her that he’ll be fine, but as he vanishes a nearby plant starts to turn from green to red. Now what is that about?
In 2043 all is not well. Cole tells Jones that he’s discovered the origins of the virus to a club called the White Dragon in 1987 Tokyo. She meets his eyes with an unsettled look and shows him the destroyed meeting room. Cole is shocked that Ramse would do such a thing and then collapses, the effects of time traveling rapidly catching up with him. He is put on bed rest while a machine is prepped to help keep his body together for one final jump. However, their more immediate problem is that Ramse has the injections. Jones promises Cole that no harm will come to Ramse and dispatches Whitley and his men to retrieve the stolen goods (after Cole reveals his former bff’s likely location). Jones though inadvertently gives the soldier a license to kill Ramse if it comes down to the injections and the other man.
Speak of the devil, Ramse is at a nearby amusement park called the Wilderness Adventure and has allied with a group of other survivors. He tells Elena that he’s stopped Team Splinter by taking the injections but she’s worried that they’ll come looking for it. And of course she’s right! But before Whitley and company arrive, Ramse goes off and meets with a new enigmatic group calling themselves the Daughters after seeing the image of the Army of the 12 Monkeys on the side of one of their caravans. Things take a turn for the weird when he is introduced to their leader who is none other than Jennifer Goines!!! What the what?!? Yes exactly, what the hell is going on here?
Looking good Jennifer.
Jennifer is naturally much older now and whether or not she has immunity to the virus is unknown. She is still talking in riddles and mentions Cole to Ramse. He asks her how she knows what he needs and she hands him a necklace with a strange symbol etched on it, telling him that it will be useful later. Jennifer then comments that he’s a good friend adding, “not yet but you will be.” She also somehow knows that something important is going to happen to him tonight, revealing that she’s probably met Ramse in her past and his future. More baffling questions!!
Back at the Wilderness Adventure things take a terrible turn as one of Whitley’s men accidentally kills Elena. Whitley shoots the individual to prevent more bloodshed, but he knows that there is no hope of Ramse ever coming back to their side. This defining incident basically drives Ramse over the deep end and all hell breaks loose after.
He makes his way back to the facility determined to truly eliminate Project Splinter. His plan was to blow up the time machine itself but circumstances go awry and he ends up shooting Max in the gut. I know, I’ve been wondering where Max has been this whole time as well. She’s sadly only in the episode for a brief time because she soon dies from the gunshot wound. Cole had been inside the body repairing machine and hadn’t heard all the commotion. In a moment of desperation, Ramse trapped in the time machine chamber decides to save his son by becoming a chrononaut as well. He injects himself with the serum and orders one of the scientists to fire up the device. By the time Cole is released from his statis he only manages to see Ramse before the man splinters to 1987 Tokyo.
Yes, Ramse is The Terminator trying to eliminate John Connor from one day leading humanity in the battle against Skynet. Though not quite a perfect fit, Ramse will be there to stop Cole from destroying the source of the virus. Jones tells Cole that his former friend’s jump was a one way trip because they do not have the means to track and return him to 2043. While Ramse’s intent was noble in doing whatever it took to save his son, he would also probably never see Samuel again. That seems kind of short sighted in retrospect. Alas, the two ex-friends will soon be battling it out in the land of the rising sun.
Let’s not forget about the good Dr. Railly though. She’s convinced Aaron to come with her to a container yard where she’s tracked a shipment of monkeys that has likely been used for Peter’s experiments. She finds the scientist and has a moment of weakness nearly taking his life after he asks to be given death (granted he just got news that his husband was dead). Instead Cassie tells him to vanish and puts the gun away. Meanwhile, Aaron encounters the lady from the Army of the 12 Monkeys and she urges him to listen to her. She explains that Cassie is very important to them and asks what he is willing to do to keep her alive. Uh oh!
Ramse and Mini-Ramse say goodbye.
So what have we learned in this episode? Well things have definitely gotten even more crazier that we could have possibly have imagined. With Ramse back in the past, who knows what kind of havoc he’ll wreak and could he join the Army of the 12 Monkeys now that their agendas are somewhat aligned? In fact, could he be the Witness who might have started the whole group in the first place?!? I don’t even know how to process this because that would be so amazing and messed up at the same time.
The Daughters are also an interesting new development, as Jennifer seems to have created some kind of cult between 2017 to 2043. Still she looks great for her age! How involved she is in with Ramse and the Army of the 12 Monkeys is still a mystery and what role does she really play in all of this?
Aaron may also now be allied with the Army of the 12 Monkeys after his encounter with the lady in his interest to keep Cassie alive and his anger towards Cole.
Cole really is in an ugly position as he tells Jones at the end of the episode that if Ramse tries to stop him then he’ll kill his former best friend. This just so sad that it’s all come to this.
Cassie seems to be the one person who’s still trying to save humanity without any hidden agendas. Why do I feel like this can’t last?
The question of whether to save one person or billions of lives is a recurring one and characters are constantly coming up against it. What makes the show so interesting is how they’ve all acted when put in the situation. Each individual believes that they are doing the right thing, but their choices have consequences. At the heart of the show it’s seeing what people will do to protect themselves and their loved ones.
“12 Monkeys” continues their fast paced narratives and I am just happy to be along for the ride.
PS: I hear by acknowledge that the above speculations may sound crazy.
Whether you loved it or hated it, there is no denying the cultural phenomenon that was Glee. The show about a small town high school’s choir club took the world by storm as audiences tuned in week after week for the latest performances and wacky storylines.
While many of us at The Workprint stopped watching Glee at one point or another, we all agreed that there were certain performances in the seriesthat stuck with us long after we stopped watching.
With Glee coming to an end tonight, the Workprint staff compiled a list of our favorite performances from the series. It’s been a long and bumpy road Glee, but we’ll never forget you and the lessons you taught us – Dolphins are just gay sharks.
Disclaimer: No writer was allowed to choose Don’t Stop Believing. The performance alone kickstarted the series into an unstoppable force months before the series even began.
Geoff Peel: Dream On – Aerosmith (Season 1, Episode 19)
Oh it’d have to be when Neil Patrick Harris serenades Vinnie with “Mr. Sandman”. What’s that? That’s not Glee, that’s Doogie Howser? Huh. Okay. Well I’m still sticking with my boy NPH. Shuster vest excluded, when those two battle-sang Aerosmith’s “Dream On” it was, dare I say, legendary. (See what I did there?) And even though this scene had less fog machine action than his foray into The Chordettes catalog, the entire spectacle feels like a karaoke fever dream.
Terence Chen: Somebody to Love – Queen (Season 1, Episode 5)
The first two movies I remember seeing as a kid were The Lion King and The Sound of Music. As such, I can really never say no to a musical. Mix that with a glaring weakness for pop music and I was just a sucker for Glee. Sure, I’ve stopped watching now because the storylines have gotten so weak and convoluted, but I remember watching the first episode and completely buying into the show especially after ‘Don’t Stop Believing’. For me, one of my favorite songs they ever did on the show was Queen’s ‘Somebody to Love’. Glee took an iconic song and did it justice, but also in a way that reintroduced it to an audience that may have never heard it before. They featured Lea Michele and Amber Riley, who easily topped the vocal talent and were spotlighted on that show back when they didn’t have to service all the characters songwise. Add that to the message of the song and the way it brought together the episode, ‘Somebody to Love’ was a number that I loved from Glee.
Nicole C: Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson (Season 3, Episode 8)
As the final song that the New Directions sang during Sectionals in Season Three, it’s my personal favorite because of soulful solos that Finn, Artie, Puck, Blaine, and Sam gave. It’s nice that the boys are featured this time around with Rachel in the audience to let other talent shine. Also it’s a Michael Jackson classic and hearing it never fails to make me want to sing along.
Matt DeGroot: Rumor Has It/Someone Like You Mashup – Adele (Season 3, Episode 6)
Ever since we got our first real taste of Naya Rivera’s powerful voice during “Like a Virgin” in Season One’s Madonna-themed episode, Santana Lopez became my favorite character of the whole series. Her wicked tongue and fantastic singing chops delighted the evil diva inside of me to a point where I was pretty much dancing on the ceiling when she became one of the most prominent characters in the seasons that followed.
But never have I loved her more than when she joined the short-lived, all-female glee club, The Troubletones, to sing this mashup of two of Adele’s biggest hits at a time when was coming to terms with coming out and professing her love to Brittany. This mashup has become more iconic than the two original songs for me and when Santana wails, “Don’t forget me!” all I can think is: Don’t you worry, honey. We definitely won’t after that performance.
Trisha Leigh: Poker Face – Lady Gaga (Season 1, Episode 20)
I haven’t watched Glee for what seems like forever, but this performance stuck with me over the years. It’s one of the numbers I downloaded to on iTunes and one of the only one of those I still listen to when it pops up on shuffle. The song (and Lady Gaga) are obviously fabulous to start out with, but the combined girl power (and vocal chords) of Lea Michelle and Idina Menzel is really something to witness. For what it’s worth, it IS a little awkward that they’re mother and daughter and the song is about tempting juicy man-meat into one’s bed but what the hell. It’s fun, they sound amazing, and while I won’t go so far as to say it’s better than the original, I do think it’s equal.
Kelley Lynn: Don’t Rain on My Parade – Barbra Streisand (Season 1, Episode 13)
This is one of my absolute favorite Broadway songs. Ever. Like, ever. Of all time. Add that to the fact that the song is sung (in “Funny Girl”) by the incomparable Barbara Streisand, and it seems virtually impossible that anyone on earth would ever be able to do the song justice ever again. Enter Lea Michele. Not only is her voice “like buttah” and kind of mind-blowing in the extremely challenging vocals of this tune, but because of her perfect combination of overly-theatrical and somehow genuine as the super-talent Rachel Berry, she is able to sell this song like nobody else ever could.
Rachel sings this number as her solo performance in the Sectionals competition during Season one. What makes it work even more for me, is that, during that episode, New Directions is blindsided when their competition, Jane Adams Academy, steals their signature number “And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going.” Forced to come up with a brand new set list in minutes, the gang goes to their big guns – Rachel – to bring out THE performance of the competition. It is awesomeness in every form, and it is a huge part of what made the early seasons of Glee so damn good.
Jen Stayrook: If I Were a Boy – Beyonce (Season 5, Episode 5)
Confession time: I haven’t watched Gleesince the beginning of season two. Because of that, my mind defaulted to choosing “Take a Bow”. While I still ADORE Glee‘s cover of the song, it does come second to another. Even though I couldn’t get past Glee‘s insane plot lines, I didn’t stop listening to the songs, because let’s face it, that’s why people watch Gleeanyway.
I came across the fifth season’s cover of Beyonce’s “If I Were A Boy” and perked up. I *love* the original, so I wasn’t sure how Gleecould possibly improve on it, but Unique proved me wrong. The only thing I knew about the story was what I saw in the above video, and still without any knowledge of this character, holy.mother.of.god did she broke my heart. Usually I cannot help but giggle any time I see all the Gleestudents watching someone sing solo because WOW that must be weird, but this time, I shut my mouth and took it all in. Way to make me feel feelings, Glee.
Bilal Mian: Keep Holdin’ On – Avril Lavigne (Season 1, Episode 7)
There is a moment in every television series when everything comes together and clicks into place. For me that moment in Glee happened in the seventh episode. After Sue forces Jacob to run the story of Quinn’s pregnancy, Quinn comes clean to the club about being pregnant. To show their support for her, the group performs Keep Holdin’ On. Even after all these years, the performance still manages to pack an emotional punch.
The two-hour Glee series finale airs Friday, March 20, 2015 at 8:00 PM.
Archer Season 6, Episode 11 – “Achub Y Morfilod” Airs March 19, 2015 Grade: B+
Archer and Lana are finally together, but it hasn’t taken long for their honeymoon period to sour. The return of Katya and her robot vagina hasn’t been an easy situation to explain, and Archer instead opts for what he believes to be the best course of action: tranquilize Lana and fly her overnight in a CIA plane to a romantic getaway in Wales, where they may or may not be aiding some local Welsh separatists. “Achub Y Morfilod” (Welsh for “save the whales”) provides only a loose framework upon which to hang Archer and Lana’s fight, but the absurdity balances out the mostly serious, still hilarious lover’s quarrel. From the sillier-than-usual spy mission to the office drones giving Ray a new arm, it’s Archer at its most effortlessly irreverent.
This episode was a great showcase for Lana, who hasn’t received much screentime this season. She received some backstory in “The Kanes” and has had a more prominent role in the past couple of episodes, but we haven’t seen such sustained levels of rage and withering scorn all season. Aisha Tyler has been doing some amazing work; I could listen to her threaten Archer and goats in the bucolic Welsh cottage all day, and the venom dripping from her voice whenever she refers to Katya’s robot vagina will never stop being hilarious.
“Achub Y Morfilod” succeeds mostly because Archer and Lana are at their best when they’re fighting. Granted, there’s rarely a moment in the series where they aren’t at each other’s throat, but I’m glad to see that their rekindled relationship hasn’t altered this fundamental dynamic too much. Generally the voice of reason and most professional character, Lana spends the episode seething with rage at Archer and the ridiculous mission set before them. Though largely just a backdrop for their bickering, the mission involves aiding Welsh separatist Lloyd Llewellyn (Matthew Rhys) and his hulking but mentally slow brother Davith. Between the Of Mice and Men dynamic and their delusional opposition to English rule (after the English government relocated a small village of 48 people to construct a reservoir), Lloyd and Davith add just the right amount of absurdity to make Lana even angrier. In typical fashion, Archer and Lana’s bickering ultimately blows their cover and ruins the mission
As for the others, Malory gets only slightly more screentime this episode and she’s still concerned about how fat AJ has gotten (“Mother, she’s a goddamn baby!”), while the office drones are in the operating room giving Ray a new hand. There’s a relentless flurry of hand puns and a long discussion about African-American characters on M.A.S.H. (for some reason…), but it looks like Ray is mostly back to his old self. It’s less of a subplot than a long series of jokes, but it fits well into the particularly farcical tone of the episode. Archer makes a smart decision by taking itself less seriously than usual–somehow, the more frivolous moments in “Achub Y Morfilod” manage to make a fight about an ex-lover actually seem fun.
By this time many of you are like me – staring at a calendar, trying to predict how many days till the return of Empire. You’re also trying to find the best scene of the Empire finale in gif form. That’s right – Cookie vs Boo Boo Kitty.
You see, many people thought the culmination of the first season of Empire was all about which one of Lucious Lyon’s sons would succeed him. All those people are simply wrong.
The culmination of the first season of Empire is this scene and this scene only.
Man Seeking Woman Season 1, Episode 10 – Scepter Air Date: March 18, 2015 Grade: B
Man Seeking Woman began with Maggie breaking up with Josh, and it’s only fitting that this season ends with Josh breaking up with Maggie. But before we get to that, let’s go to the arctic tundra.
As the episode opens, we find Mike and Josh trekking across a frozen wasteland to reach the last available woman on the face of the Earth. Sure, being single can be a bit rough sometimes, so I can see the unforgiving cold of the arctic as an apt comparison. As we arrive in the hut of the last available woman on the planet, Mike serves as the translator to the budding relationship between Josh and the wild-woman, who thinks of Josh as a god, but I mean, if you’re desperate, you’re desperate right? Things are good, small talk goes well (ugh, the dreaded, ‘do you like music?’ question) and of course, then we get the dicey part of the exchange. It’s that moment when you take whatever chemistry that you have and gamble that it’s enough for it to turn into a first date. This of course, leads Mike to translate that she “likes where she’s at” and again, Josh is cast out into the bitter freezing wilderness that is singledom. As far as surreal situations go, this was pretty weak, and failed to live up to the increasing quality of the episodes in previous weeks.
Of course, this leads us back to Mike and Josh playing videogames, when out of the blue Maggie calls and wants to “get together”. Getting together can mean so many different things, but when an ex calls, especially when you were the one getting dumped, the cacophony of thoughts running through your mind is overwhelming. If anyone has ever been dumped before, I think everyone has had the fantasy of your ex groveling and coming back to you saying that she made a huge mistake. The close second of course is the aforementioned ex wanting to get back together. Of course, this is a very logical conclusion with Maggie calling out of the blue and wanting to “get together”. Mike of course, the adult ADD sufferer that he is, absent-mindedly reassures Josh as he focuses on the latest Madden (or Call of Duty, whatever bros play).
Josh dives head first into the fantasy that he’s concocted in his own head and goes out to a nice lunch with Maggie, only to literally (fantastically?) get his heart ripped out when she tells him that she’s getting married to Graham, who we last met at the wedding in hell. At this point, Josh is devastated, but he keeps trying to keep a stoic front as to keep Maggie from knowing how badly he’s hurt. I think we’ve all been in this situation before, but one of the best things about Man Seeking Woman is its depiction of what we go through internally brought to reality. The gory and disgusting spectacle of seeing Josh bleed out while trying to make small talk to try to save face was incredibly uncomfortable. Of course, none of us can really hold our poker faces that well, and we’re all saved from the discomfort as the EMTs come to cart Josh away.
While trying to figure out what exactly went wrong, Josh and Mike end up at a convenience store. Mike, being the horndog that he is, spots pills that give you sexual madness, but at the cost of liver failure. At the same time, Josh figures out exactly what went wrong between him and Maggie (gifts are a relationship minefield) and somehow, the store also sells time travel pills, but at the cost of ruining the space-time continuum. So, Mike and Josh, now armed with their choice of pharmaceuticals (at a very cheap $2.50 for three pills) make their adjustments. Josh succeeds in changing the past, and in turn, sees himself with Maggie and makes up for lost time. He then uses the next two pills to make himself richer, and have distinctive facial hair. Of course, he doesn’t pay attention to the side effects and he ends up having the Earth getting enslaved by an alien overlord named Trackanon. You know, typical space-time continuum stuff.
It’s in this oppressed post-apocalyptic world where Josh finally starts to realize somethings about himself. He loved Maggie, that’s true, but in a way, he lost himself when he was in that relationship. Looking at himself in this alternate future, he realized that the Josh in ‘Josh and Maggie’ isn’t the Josh that he really is. This is of course is intercut with Mike as Trackanon’s sex slave (featuring Eric Andre in a way too revealing outfit and sickening amounts of lube) and Liz as a Sarah Connor-esque freedom fighter trying to overthrow Trackanon. Finally gathering up the courage to split from Maggie, Josh finds out that Trackanon is a strict Catholic (who knew alien overlords are one step below a pope?) and that divorce is outlawed. Josh, finally over Maggie, decides to disguise himself as a sex slave (featuring Jay Baruchel in a way too revealing outfit) and slay Trackanon with his own scepter in order to get divorced, you know rather than living out his life in a loveless marriage. Who said Josh doesn’t take his lovelife seriously?
And that’s how the season ends, with Trackanon dead, and Josh and his crew finally moving on. This whole season really, has been about Josh and Maggie. While the protagonist of the series has always been Josh, it’s so obvious that he was simply in orbit around Maggie. Getting over someone is never easy. It’s not just the big things, but a million tiny details about them that you have to get over. You can never fully forget that person, and nostalgia dictates that you’ll remember the good more than the bad, but when you finally come to terms that you deserve happiness on your on terms, you can finally put things in the past.
As a testament to Josh’s maturity, he actually sets Maggie up with Graham with his parting words to her, truly hoping to give her the happiness that she deserves. Josh then rallies Liz and Mike to go out on a Saturday night, because hell, Trackanon is dead, and the night is young for three single thirty-somethings.
Season one of Man Seeking Woman was an incredibly high-concept show, which was executed incredibly well. I’m very excited to see season two, where the specter of Maggie is finally gone, and we can really dive into the deep dark wells of neuroses that is Josh, and see where his love life takes him.
Man Seeking Woman will return for Season Two next year.
Seems like just a few months ago (or maybe it WAS just a few months ago, since this show is on an average of 14 times per year) that we last watched our favorite cheese-fest celebration Dancing With the Stars. And yet, here we are again, only this time – the show is celebrating its 10th year anniversary, and they are doing it in style.
All of your favorites are back, including pro-dancer Derek Hough, who was rumored to not be returning, but “just couldn’t stay away.” The entertaining judges are back too. Cranky, old man Len, Horny Carrie Ann, and makes-no-sense , over the top Bruno. Julianne Hough has also joined the judges panel, because why not make the already 2-hour long show seem even longer with a 4th judges opinion? Most of the dances are about 60-90 seconds long – at this point, the judges are twice as lengthy as the dances themselves. Erin Andrew is back as the pretty-faced interviewer (I still miss Brooke Burke Charvey, who provided me with endless quotable comments, year after year), and my favorite host of everything and anything, Tom Bergeron, leads the pack once again with his wit, charm, and humor. So, let’s not waste any more time. Let me tell you a bit about each couple and what they danced in this week one episode. There are 237 couples, so this may take a while:
Willow / Mark: At 14 years old, Willow Shields is the youngest cast member on the show, ever. She is also the actress who plays Primrose in “The Hunger Games” movie series. Her and partner Mark Balis begin the night with their Cha-cha, which is quite strong for week one. Julianne told her to work on her legs, while Horny Carrie Ann pointed out to Willow that “your chest was open and your neck was elongated”. Tom, Erin, Mark, Len, Bruno, and a couple of guys from the makeup department all mentioned that Willow is only 14. It was mentioned about 356 times in about 10 minutes. WE GET IT! SHE IS ONLY 14!!! Scores were 6/6/6/7 .
Robert /Kym: This is the rich tycoon dude from the show Shark Tank, for those of you who watch that. I do not. What I noticed right away about this silly dude is that he smiles a lot. Like, a LOT. He is like a creepy game-show host with the constant smiling. I guess if I had that kind of money, I’d be smiling too, but he is still pretty weird. He told pro-partner Kym Johnson that if they win, he will buy her a plane. Her own private plane. Because what woman doesn’t want her own plane, right? Right. They did a Cha-cha with the theme of, what else, money. His dancing was a tad conservative and dopey, but not bad for the first time out. Bruno called him a “crazy dolphin”, whatever that means. Len mumbled something and then took a sip of his prune juice. Scores were 7/7/7/7, and Len passed gas from behind the judges table.
Riker / Allison: Okay, so this is when I start to feel as old as Len. Every season, especially lately, there is at LEAST one or two contestants who I have literally never in my life heard of. I have no clue who this kid is. Apparently his name is Riker Lynch (really?) and he is the base player and singer in a duo band called R-5, which is apparently a real thing. All I know is that he has annoying surfer-dude-hair and he looks like he is eleven. His partner, Allison Holker, and he, did a great Jive to the song “What I Like About You”, that had a pretty awesome rock video vibe to it. Bruno did his first “standing up and ranting” of the season, except this time he stood ON the judges table as he raved about the pairs performance. “Cool, hip, brilliant!” Horny Carrie Ann touched herself under her seat as she proclaimed Riker as “driving the beat.” I bet you’d like it if he drove YOU, Carrie Ann, huh? HUH??? Scores were 8/7/8/8, and Brooke Burke Charvey watched from home as she sobbed into her 5th vodka and tonic.
Boobs McGee / Keo: So apparently this chick is a model of some kind, and she is known for a burger commercial that aired during the Superbowl that featured her massive tits. All I saw was tits, the entire time she was talking and dancing. Just tits, tits, tits. Her boobs are ridiculous. They take up 3/4 of her body. A few seasons ago, Nancy Grace was on the show, and she showed her tits so much and had cleavage falling out of every costume, that I dubbed her as “Tits McGee.” Well, now we have “Boobs McGee”, which is the younger, hotter version, I guess. All I know is that my eyes hurt. She blinded me with cleavage. In rehearsal footage, she said she did the show to prove to people that she is more than just her boobs, but then every sentence after that sentence was about her boobs. They did a Jive, and between her boobs and Keo Motoepe’s bare lovely chest, there was a lot of fun things to look at. Len commented “There were a couple of things that stood out.” Bruno congratulated Charlotte, which is her actual name, on “carrying America’s most imposing frontage.” He received no reaction from the crowd. Just awkward silence. Even the crickets were embarrassed. Scores were 6/5/5/6, and Bruno’s lame joke got a negative 4.
Patti / Artem: So this is Patti, as in legendary and Grammy Hall of Fame singer Patti LaBelle, who says she has never danced before. She is paired with Artem Chigventsev, and their Foxtrot is quite good. Patti moves very well for a 70-year-old woman, and with grace even. Old man Len woke from his nap and said “You rung my bell!” (eewww!) Tom Bergeron’s hilarious response: “And that’s one rusty bell, let me tell you!” Julianne called the dance “pure joy!”, while Carrie Ann found it “simple and graceful.” In the post-dance interview, Erin Andrews asked Patti why she wanted to do the show. “Because I’m 70 years young and wanted to show that I can do something like this!” The crowd loved her and gave her a standing ovation. Scores were 7/6/6/6, and the crowd booed , thinking those were too low.
Farmer Dull / Witney Carson: Great. I can’t get away from this bore. I just spent the last 3 months writing weekly reviews for The Bachelor, and now this boring dullard crosses over onto THIS show too? The ONLY other show that I write reviews for? Oh, what cruel punishment is this? What torturous irony? And yes, I know I’m sounding a bit like a bad Shakespeare play right now. Farmer Blah is partnered up with Witney Carson, because her name is also Witney, like his now fiance Whitney, except without the H. His comment about this? “I’m engaged to a Whitney. Now Im dancing with a Witney. This might get complicated.” Ummm, no, Einstein. It’s really pretty simple. They have the same name. One of them you dance with, and the other you have a relationship with for a few more months until it inevitably doesn’t work out.
Their dance is The Jive, and it’s done to “Footloose.” They basically do the moves from the film, using a pickup truck as a prop to climb in and out of. The other Whitney is watching from audience, along with Bachelor host Chris Harrison, who got pretty much the same amount of air-time on his own show that he got tonight, the one time they panned the camera over to him. Bruno called Chris Soule’s “the salt of the earth” (huh?), while Horny Carrie Anne said that he has “charisma up the ying-yang”, and then called him a “strapping young man.” She really needs to get herself laid – it’s getting embarrassing now. Len made one of his horrific analogies by saying “like this truck, the dancing needs some polish. ” Right. Kind of like your wrinkly ball-sac. Polishing. Scores were 7/6/6/7, and Len’s old-man balls received a 3. Carrie Ann sent Farmer Boy a text backstage asking him to meet her in her dressing room later, and come take a look at her ying-yang.
Michael / Peta : He is the first ever openly-gay football player drafted to the NFL. She is last years Mirror-Ball winner. Together, their Cha-cha of Bruno Mars “Uptown Funk” was a total blast of energy and delight. He is a really good dancer, and can definitely move. Bruno called it hot. A lot of people talked about Michael’s butt. Len said “you could win rear of the year and I’d win ass from the past.” What the …?? Horny Carrie Ann told him he is gorgeous and also referred to his ass. Scores were 6/6/7/7.
Nastia / Derek: Let me first just say how thrilled I am that Derek Hough is indeed back on the show, even though he is currently starring in The Radio City Rockettes Spring Spectacular. He is just awesomeness, and needs to be on this show. Nastia is a 5-time medalist in the sport of gymnastics in the Olympics. Their Foxtrot was more like an extravaganza than a first-week dance. It even had backup dancers and a Rockette-style kickline. The song was “New York, New York”, and the energy was fantastic. Bruno stood up and announced “there is nothing nasty about Nastia, my darling!” Scores were 7/7/8/8. Highest of the night. So far.
RedFoo / Emma : So that’s your name? RedFoo? Really? That’s what you’re going with? Okay, then. He is the singer and one half of the duo from the band LMFAO. That’s really all I know about him, other than that looking at him makes me feel dizzy and headachey. His clothes are filled with scribbled color and his hair is all over the place and he has on giant ridiculous glasses and I need some Advil. Their Cha-cha made me feel nausea and unsafe. Bruno called it “sparkly lunacy.” But then again, he is also sparkly lunacy. Scores were 6/5/5/6.
Noah / Sharna : Former model and US army combat vet who lost his left arm and his left leg in combat. So, he is dancing on one leg and with one arm. He has a prosthetic leg but not arm. He runs marathons and things, apparently. I knew nothing about this man until watching him rehearse in the footage and then dance their Cha-cha, and now I think he is kind of amazing. Julianne complimented Sharna’s choreography , and Carrrie Ann called the dance “profound. You broadened my scope of what dancing is.” Tom Bergeron made the very true point that “moments like this are when this show is at it’s best.” Scores were 7/6/6/7.
Suzanne / Tony : Actress and Infomercial / Thigh-Master creator Suzanne Somers,, best known for playing Chrissy Snow on Three’s Company. She is now 68, and still has some amazing looking legs. They did a funny, cheesy-on-purpose Thigh-Master / exercise class style-video in hilarious workout getup, to the classic Olivia Newton John song “Physical.” Tom Bergeron told Tony Dovalati that he looked like “an athletic smurf” in his silly costume. Carrie Ann called Suzanne a “ray of sunshine.” Their dance was fun and bright. Scores were 6/6/6/7.
Rumor / Val: The daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, and an actress in her own right, Rumor Willis is also a very good dancer. Who knew? She was the best of the night. The Foxtrot between her and partner Val Chmirkovskiy was elegant and mature, and felt like a dance you would see on the show in maybe week 3 or 4. Demi and Bruce were both in the audience, although not sitting together. Carrie Ann called her a “fierce competitor”, Len told Val “this could be your season” (to win), and Julianne said “What a vision! I have chills.” Bruno ended the comments with his silly pun “Rumer has it … big time!” Scores were highest of the night at 8/8/8/8, and Len fell face-forward into his prune juice.
NEXT WEEK: One contestant goes home. RedFoo and Riker Lynch battle it out for the dumbest hair award. Chris Harrison and Farmer Chris make sweet love in the fantasy suite. Oh wait. Sorry. Wrong show.
Former medical student Olivia “Liv” Moore takes a bite out of crime and then some in Rob Thomas’ latest CW series “iZombie,” based loosely upon the Vertigo comic of the same name. While pop culture’s fascination with the undead might seem to be well past its fever pitch, Thomas’ previous work on cult favorite “Veronica Mars” proves the showrunner has a knack for strong female leads and deadpan wit to keep “iZombie’s” pulse ticking.
New Zealander Rose McIver (“Masters of Sex,” “The Lovely Bones”) stars as Liv, an ambitious young woman with such enduring promise even her fellow surgical residents are threatened by her prodigious success. “So, every day for you is basically like the last scene of ‘Sixteen Candles,’” a colleague bemoans, upon spying Liv’s handsome fiancé (Robert Buckley) waiting for her in the parking lot. A classic overachiever, Liv has spent her life too focused on academics to bother navigating certain social rites of passage her peers have long perfected. When she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a raucous party, however, a sudden, conveniently isolated zombie outbreak cuts her bright future short and leaves Liv a (very) pallid shell of her former self.
The comedic undertones bobbing on “iZombie’s” surface make it easy to suspend disbelief when Liv’s family blames her severe change in behavior and appearance on post-traumatic stress. Viewers don’t need Liv’s self-deprecating narration to explain the real reason for her morose demeanor and chalky pallor, but the visual feast while watching Liv utilize a new job at the coroner’s office to satisfy her newfound craving for human brains is delightfully macabre. Liv’s boss, Dr. Ravi Chakrabarti (Rahul Kohli), had already noticed the lab’s increasing inventory of empty skulls before he caught his new protégé slathering a fresh cerebral cortex with hot sauce. Instead of reacting with horror or disgust, he’s immediately fascinated with the scientific conundrum and becomes Liv’s ally in both researching her condition and helping her put it to good use.
Murder victims being wheeled into the morgue come with the added baggage of unsolved mysteries surrounding their deaths. Liv soon realizes she’s absorbing the memories and personality traits of the people whose brains she eats, ostensibly giving her the ability to solve puzzles the police can’t. Hotshot investigator Clive Babineaux (Malcolm Goodwin) is stumped how the odd new mortician is able to supply such impeccable details regarding his most urgent cases, but Liv soon proves such a valuable resource he makes her his unofficial crime scene analyst without asking too many questions himself.
Of course, Liv, Clive and Ravi can’t exist as their own makeshift Scooby Gang without the presence of a charming antagonist to balance the narrative scales. David Anders (“Once Upon a Time,” “The Vampire Diaries”) fits the bill nicely as Blaine, Liv’s maker and token rabble-rouser who isn’t so quick to keep his newfound lifestyle a secret. Blaine’s physical and psychological resemblance to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” heartthrob and erstwhile villain Spike (James Marsters) can’t possibly be coincidental, and fans will likely interpret his character as a clever riff rather than cheap replica.
“iZombie” circumvents a deceptively formulaic structure with referential humor and multi-genre zing that incorporates supernatural intrigue, crime saga suspense and millennial ennui for a refreshing twist on the standard detective procedural. Those already citing it as a mere derivation are missing the point. “Buffy” and Thomas’ own “Veronica Mars” eschewed the temptation to take themselves too seriously, and “iZombie” wisely follows suit with another smart, self-sufficient heroine possessing personal depth, well-crafted comic timing and an especially pertinent set of skills. The TV landscape may already be overrun with hordes of comic-book spinoffs and flesh-chomping lurchers alike, but “iZombie” sets itself apart by melding both templates and featuring a female lead whose effortless likability transcends any cliché. This is one new series that goes down without any hot sauce necessary.
Will you take a bite out of “iZombie”? Or are comic book adaptations ready for the morgue? Sound off in our comment section, and stick with @TheWorkprint for all your pop culture needs.
The apocalypse isn’t over just yet in Sleepy Hollow as FOX has renewed the sophomore series for a third season.
The new season will have an 18-episode order along with The Glades‘ Clifton Campbell serving as the showrunner. Mark Goffman stepped down as the series’ showrunner earlier this month.
Per Fox, season three will “will explore how the partnership between Crane and Mills will evolve and what challenges these two witnesses will now face.”
Say what you will about writer Max Landis…no, I don’t have an end to this sentence.
Say what you will. I’ll wait.
I feel I need to get this out of the way because his name just gives people feels in the weirdest ways.
When you mention his name or hear it, depending on who you are, you’re thinking, “Landis…that name sounds familiar,” or “I know that guy…he did that great Death and Return of Superman vid a few years back.” Or if you’re the type of person who gets upset because Kanye interrupted Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to Congress and then, next week, you’ve forgotten all about your phony outrage and it’s all about who Taylor Swift slept with, you’re like, “Max Landis?! Fuck that guy because he hates women and boobs and vaginas and female orgasms because Jezebel said so a few years ago.”
Depending how you look at it, Max Landis is insanely cool and clever…or he’s a giant, sexist “bro” “douche” “mansplainer” (or what ever dismissive, post-modern Feminist terms are being used these days that make Feminist pioneers roll their eyes in disgust) because Jezebel questioned his audacity in asking why women, who claim they “enjoy sex don’t know anything about their own orgasms”. And Jezebel isn’t fucking insane.No really, they aren’t. Really. They’ve never been wrong. Ever. In the history of ever. Ever.
Fine. I’ll accept that Jezebel’s right about him because I’ve got this thing I gotta write and I don’t have time to talk about how Jezebel thinks that Kim Kardashian is, indeed, a human being and not just a selfish, shallow robot who gives a bad name to women everywhere.
Max Landis is a sexist pig. Let’s just move this train along.
Unless you consider that he casts women in most of the male roles in his videos. Just ignore that.
In any case, Landis (the screenwriter who brought you “Chronicle”) has given the world a new video: one that explains how pro-wrestling is the ultimate in sophisticated plot and character development — on par with “Game of Thrones” (though I wouldn’t go that far these days) — and that it’s being completely categorized incorrectly and, in the process, disrespected.
And he proves it by detailing the long career of one Triple H.
If you have about a half hour and you’ve had your fill of the newest Game of Thrones trailer, take a look. You might be enlightened — or offended.
In all seriousness, the video is well worth the time of any seasoned wrestling fan (such as myself) and any newbies who don’t really give it the time of day.
Last week I compared the first episode of A&E’s The Returned to the original, Les Revenants. While I think it was important for me to note the similarities, I won’t be doing that for the rest of the season because I don’t want to spoil the story and ruin what might be good surprises for the former.
There gon’ be spoilers, y’all. I’m breaking down the good and bad from each episode so there’s no way around it.
A show’s first episode sets the tone, reels in viewers and piques our interests. The second episode, however, is more important; it’s the piece that can make or break a show, driving us to continue watching or give up completely. The Returned‘s second episode “Simon” wasn’t particularly bad, but it also didn’t leave me aching for more, which is a shame given the show’s premise. The first episode ended with a spooky revelation that Victor is another (of many) terrifying child and we shouldn’t trust him. “Simon” tried to recapture that suspense, but ultimately fell flat.
Here’s how things went down:
Camille, the teenager who died in the bus crash, finally accepts that she should not be alive and that, understandably so, leaves her frightened and confused. Her parents try to act as if the world hasn’t gone bananas but elder (?) sister Lena wants nothing to do with their Stepford ways and angst-steps her way right out the door.
When she isn’t impersonating Zooey Deschanel, Rowan is planning her wedding to oh-so-bland Tommy, but Simon with all his undead ways and hair products has other plans. And by that I mean he stalks Rowan but doesn’t even try talking to her so of course she thinks she’s gone mad. We see a flashback of the two of them but it didn’t add much. Eventually Tommy Boyfriend realizes that the man he interrogated IS Simon and whoa, he should be dead.
Elsewhere in more exciting parts of the world, the police (Tommy’s posse) are investigating Lucy’s stabbing because the stab wounds match those left by a serial killer from seven years ago. Several people are questioned, including bar manager Tony who seems to be suspect numero uno, despite being the lovably angry Chief Tyrol from Battlestar Galactica. I mean, it’s like these people don’t even watch TV. The episode ends with Creepy Victor, doing what children do best and coloring terrifying pictures in the dark, while Julie strips down and we see scars across her abdomen similar to the ones the police introduced earlier.
The Good
Julie remains the most interesting character on the show for me. However, I don’t understand why she keeps Victor around. As a parent, I know that when a child is quiet, bad things are about to happen, but Julie isn’t one, so I use that as her excuse. Tony also intrigues me but that’s mostly because the police think he’s a murderer and I have issues in finding that fascinating.
The serial killer mixed in with the dead returning was a nice change of pace that added some much needed excitement to what felt like a drawn out episode. GET TO THEM FINDING OUT, ALREADY.
The Bad
Simon is The Returned’s Jon Snow. He’s the mopiest of the mopey and I cannot fathom why anyone would have feelings for him. I don’t want to say it’s the curly black hair, but common denominators prove otherwise.
I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to hate Lena. Just a thought.
The Meh
Having each episode focus on one character feels like a misstep to me. Not a huge one, but in a story like this where relationships are integral, separating them into individual arcs takes away from the excitement. And in the case of this episode, if it focuses on a static character, momentum and suspense goes down the poop chute.
I’m still in The Returned game, but the characters need to up their game and not be so stereotypical. Teenagers being obnoxious? Check. Cop who seems nice at first but is probably jealous and crazy? Check. Mopey musical emo dude who tries to win his girl back? Check. Here’s hoping next week’s episode, “Julie” has more in store for us.
(I really didn’t want to add another paragraph because ending an article with “poop chute” would be a crowning achievement in my book.)
