One thing I love about Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is that lately, it’s not just writing episodes. It’s weaving mythology, and giving our characters grounding, and building a world in which we can understand them better. For example: tonight’s episode centered on the showdown between Skye’s real father, Cal, and her “adopted” father, Coulson, as Cal attempted to extract the revenge he’s been promising Coulson since he took away his chance to kill Whitehall. Cal’s assembled a team of special and gifted individuals from The Index, which is also where we find out Coulson wants Skye to be placed because of her powers. And suddenly, we’re looking at sweet, innocent Skye in the same vein as we’re supposed to look at “monsters” who can’t control their powers — or who want to use them for evil. The episode title is “One Of Us” because that’s what Skye is and has become: one of the people in the world who will forever be changed by her powers, and who will potentially have problems deciding how to use them. But as May told Garner, the group is Skye’s family. She’s one of them. And they’ll stand by her and protect her for as long as they believe in her. It’s really a great layer to the story, proving that Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is not just about building up the comic book world and about flashy action sequences.
While having grilled cheese lunch with Coulson, Skye is trying to convince him that she’s got her powers under control. She’s convincing, but not so convincing that Coulson doesn’t believe that she could use a proper psych evaluation. After talking with May, they enlist none other than May’s ex-husband, Andrew Garner (Blair Underwood), who apparently isn’t happy with S.H.I.E.L.D. — part of the reason why he left. I guess someone wasn’t into Nick Fury’s way of running things, but then again, I can kind of see why. Garner agrees to see Skye, and it provides a nice little aside in an episode filled with a lot of action and high stakes. We have high stakes in these moments too, with Skye — and we see it when she almost takes down the Bus by unconsciously releasing her powers while sleeping — but they’re so finely constructed they don’t feel as intense.
Skye doesn’t need therapy. Skye doesn’t want therapy, and it’s understandable — it’s something she’s used to at this point. She tries to get Garner off the subject by asking him about his marriage to May, information which he does end up sharing, in order to gain her trust. Suffice it to say that the moments of the episode I enjoyed the most, aside from the end fight, were the ones that we got to see more of this history explored. May’s a complicated character, but not so complicated that we can’t keep digging into her and finding more layers to peel back. And it’s clear that while the two ended on less than ideal terms, they don’t hate each other (Andrew’s calling her mother!) I hope that the show will allow him to come back in some capacity, especially since they certainly left the door open for future opportunities.
Cal’s recruits include Karla Fay Gideon (the talented and lovely Drea de Matteo, who plays her role with ease and skill), a woman with bladed finger tips, as well as Francis and Levi, two other men he’s already convinced to join his crusade. Getting Karla to join up with him is easy enough once he proves he has no association to S.H.I.E.L.D., and soon Cal and his Traveling Caravan of Misfits are stealing trailers and holing themselves up in fancy mansions like they’re students of Charles Xavier. (Okay, it’s a mental institution they break into. But it’s still mansion-like. And we can still use the Xavier School analogy because MARVEL!)
Quite honestly, the best part about this episode was seeing more of Cal’s “Mr. Hyde” side emerge. Kyle MacLaghlan is such a deliciously wonderful antagonist for this show and he brings so much to the role, and I love any chance he gets to fully dig in to his character. The scene on the football field, when he started baiting Coulson, was pure villain — and yet when Skye got in front of him, presenting herself to her father, you could see the softer side of him trying to sneak in underneath the hurt and the pain. Speaking of the football field — how amazing was that fight scene? May getting down and dirty and showing why she is a force to be reckoned with, Bobbi being her awesome kick-ass self and besting Karla with a towel (darn right) and Coulson taking on some action in his hometown. Couple that with the atmosphere, Skye, and Cal, and you’ve got yourself a pretty awesome third act that really gets at the heart of why Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has been so on the ball this season.
And then there’s Bobbi and Mack and Hunter. Hunter, after last week’s mishap, has been handcuffed to a room in an undisclosed safehouse. I’m sure there are other places he wants to be handcuffed to (and other people he wants to be with) but that’s besides the point. He’s upset that Mack is keeping secrets from him, and Coulson, meanwhile, calls Bobbi out for rekindling her relationship with Hunter. At least Bobbi owns up to it pretty easily. It’s clear that she’s still emotionally compromised about leaving Hunter out of her business, but by the end of the episode, at least one thing is clear: Bobbi and Mack are willing to open up about who they’ve been working for: the real S.H.I.E.L.D. Which is…something we’re not sure of yet. Possibly S.W.O.R.D. (Sentient World Observation and Response Department) though that remains to be seen — though as S.W.O.R.D. was introduced by Joss Whedon in Astonishing X-Men, it wouldn’t be a far off guess.
Odds & Ends:
Absolutely adored all the girl talk tonight, especially between Bobbi and Simmons, a pairing we don’t see enough of. More of that, please!
So Gordon (the faceless man from the premiere) took Cal. And why was Cal taken? He was apparently making “too much noise.” Cal’s not the supervillain he thinks he is — he’s just a science experiment. And I think this is going to provide a very interesting path for him as we get deeper into the season.
Marvel easter egg alert! Angar (the screaming man) and Karla are both related to the Daredevil comics. It’s interesting that Marvel chose to feature those two in this episode, and it makes me wonder if there’s another tie-in coming down the line. I mean, Karla was in New York…
Cal and his buddies at the diner — shades of “damn fine coffee” all over again. Truly, I enjoyed how these random Index people could sit around without anyone paying them much mind, but let’s just roll with it. Besides, maybe they liked the pie.
I love how Garner brought out a bit of mending in the rift between Fitz and Simmons. God, it’s been forever since I’ve been able to call them FitzSimmons, hasn’t it? And really, that’s a big difference between seasons one and two. The first season, the duo were very much joined at the hip in many ways. Fitzs’ injury aside, season two has forced them to examine who they are as individuals — what they want and how they react to situations around them. It’s really helped their character growth.
We’re two weeks from WrestleMania iPod Touch Play Button…and nobody’s listening.
Most of us wanted Daniel Bryan to win the Royal Rumble. Roman Reigns won it instead.
A lot of people said, “All right, fuck us,” and expected Bryan to find his way into the main event at WrestleMania — just like last year. Nope. Roman Reigns vs. Lesnar.
The remaining people who cared held out some sort of hope that Bryan would kinda, sorta limp into the main event with what fan support he had left. Nope. Next week, it’s Snoop Lion/Dogg/Lemur/whatever and Bill Simmons from ESPN for some reason.
Meanwhile, Sting and The Undertaker barely show up and speak to their respective opponents via Jumbotron text message.
Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar don’t even cut promos together.
The fans throw their hands up and yell, “WE GIVE UP!”
“But, wait!” WWE said. “Come back…we’ve got one more surprise…”
The fans turned around and, with the last faint hope welling up and showing itself in the form of misty eyes — and with the Anti-Smarks folding their arms and saying, “See, we told you they’d fix it,” WWE said, “LL Cool J is gonna open WrestleMania. You can go. It’s cool.”
Let’s get moving with this week’s recap of WWE Raw…
We start with Michael Cole interviewing Randy Orton in the Barbara Walters Interview Room of Doom. He talks, seriously, about seriously attacking Seth Rollins in a serious manner.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Des Moines, Iowa! As “LIVE” as Des Moines allows one to be, that is.
Big Show, Rollins, Kane and the two security mooks are neatly and geometrically positioned in the center of the ring like they’re about to take a bow after the final performance of Les Miserables. Rollins says he was betrayed last week. Orton turned his back on him. The crowd chants “RKO” as Rollins seethes. He says that Orton stalked him like an animal and he got beaten up bad. He suffered. He says that what Orton did was UNLIKE what Rollins did with The Shield. That was called for. Orton’s behavior was borderline sociopathic.
Show takes the mic and says he owes Rollins an apology. He says Rollins is the biggest talent in the business right now. It’s more “Orton is evil/a snake/an animal/horrible/etc.” Kane gets in on the sob-fest. Orton will pay. He betrayed Rollins. Noble says that Orton’s a rat. Noble declares himself “the secret weapon of The Authority”. (DANIELLE: “Does Rollins realize his bodyguards couldn’t stop El Torito yet? Why does he keep these guys around when they don’t do anything right?”) And, finally Joey Mercury has his turn. He cries into Big Show’s big, sagging boobs, the way you’d think of god’s as big.
Rollins has the mic again. Orton did what he did with no consequences — but it’s a new week and Orton’s never faced a guy like Rollins. He accepts Orton’s challenge at WrestleMania which is cool because I had no idea Orton ever challenged him. Rollins says there’s one condition for Orton: he faces Rollins tonight on RAW. More Orton is scheming/evil/snake-like/pretty awful — and, mercifully, Orton’s music hits.
Orton says he isn’t the face of WWE. He’s the guy who made Rollins look like a bitch. He says he “accepts Rollins’ challenge”. Wait…what? Who challenged who here?!
Even still, that’s a more appealing match than the main event.
TONIGHT:
John Cena and Rusev go nose to nose when they sign a contract — for the United States Championship match at WrestleMania.
Brock Lesnar gave a really stern interview about Roman Reigns.
Paige and AJ head to the ring.
13 days until Danielle and I head to Levi’s for WrestleMania…
MATCH #1: AJ Lee (w/ Paige) vs. WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) (non-title) The ladies lock up and AJ runs into a Bella shoulderblock. Nikki picks AJ up and tosses her into the corner, then hits some shoulders. Nikki backs off and does push-ups. AJ doesn’t like that and hits a nice flipping pin combo. Nikki kicks out and runs into an AJ armbar. Nikki breaks it and puts AJ into an armbar. AJ breaks and it’s Nikki in an armbar. Nikki hits the weakest “clothesline” ever and gets a two count when AJ hits the mat. AJ comes back with a clothesline of her own and it’s a side headlock by AJ. Nikki breaks but AJ hits a Frankensteiner. Nikki flies outside the ropes. AJ attacks but Nikki drops AJ’s arm on the top rope. We go to break. When we come back, AJ breaks a headlock only to end up on the mat for two. More hot armbar action as Nikki has AJ on the mat. Crowd kinda cheers to move things along as they realize that Jay Leno knew more moves than Nikki. AJ suddenly locks in an Octopus Hold but Nikki backs her into the buckle. Nikki rushes at her but AJ kicks her and hits a crossbody, nearly getting a fall. Nikki goes for a belly to belly suplex but AJ counters into a Sunset Flip. One count. AJ rushes Nikki and Nikki slings her out of the ring. Brie swarms like a vulture and Paige is right there to defend AJ. Nikki backs both women off but AJ tosses Nikki into the mat. Paige and Brie call each other names. Brie tosses Paige into the ringpost. AJ is distracted, so she eats a Nikki forearm and a Rack Attack for the win at 11:02. WINNER: Nikki Bella via Rack Attack
RATING: A cautious **1/4. Decent action — and a brave move by WWE to start the night with a Divas match.
TONIGHT:
Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose and Dolph Ziggler take on Stardust, Bad News Barrett and Luke Harper in 6-Man Tag Team action.
Something regarding Roman Reigns. Remember him? He’s in the main event with Brock Lesnar.
LL Cool Jis going to WrestleMania.
LAST THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Mark Henry got his ass kicked by Roman Reigns.
TONIGHT: Brock Lesnar spoke to somebody about Roman Reigns.
Renee Young has Kane and Big Show backstage. Kane announces that Big Show will be in Seth’s corner for tonight’s match. Show yells at Kane. Kane yells at show. Does this count as a turn, or…? Seth shows up and says that the two of them need to see the “big picture”. Kane suddenly admits that they kinda enjoyed seeing him get beat up last week. So, Kane, for one will not be at ringside. He tells Big Show to ditch Rollins as well.
Ryback is out for a match as we are reminded how Ryback crushed Miz on Smackdown while Miz-dow (who is not really on tour with Wiz Khalifa, sucker) watched backstage, smiling.
MATCH #2: Ryback vs. The Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow) Miz stomps at Ryback but Ryback tosses Miz outside. Ryback grabs Miz by the hair and instructs Miz-dow to hit Miz. Miz-dow balls his fist but can’t do it. Miz elbows Ryback and tells Miz-dow to un-ball his fist. Ryback attacks Miz, rolls him into the ring, hits the Meathook and Shell Shock for the win at 1:55. And, so this Miz/Miz-dow thing continues endlessly on into the good night… WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: DUD.
Post-match, Miz-dow gets into the ring and fans him with his cost. He helps Miz up and Miz repays him with the Skull Crushing Finale. It just. Keeps. Going.
Cole builds the United States Championship with more fervor than the actual main event at WrestleMania.
We get clips of the Cena/Rusev feud where Cena says that “Rusev doesn’t have the right to disparage America”. Well, that’s not exactly true, Cena…
NEXT: The contract signing for THE MOST IMPORTANT CHAMPIONSHIP EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS BUSINESS.
Cole is in the ring when we come back from break. He welcomes John Cena to the ring. Cena goes to sign the contract, then puts it down and hits the ‘MURICA button for about three minutes. Cena signs it after his rant. Rusev is called out.
Rusev comes out, dressed in Pronto Uomo like he’s guest-starring on Miami Vice. Lana’s conspicuously absent and, instead, Rusev is lead to the ring by a guy who looks like Ron Howard cos-playing Tyler Durden who sounds like a Yakof Smirnoff imitating a Frenchman, imitating Yakof Smirnoff. I cannot even begin to make this up. It doesn’t help that JBL is audibly annoyed by the dude and calls out his horrible accent or that the dude loses his composure and nearly laughs at his own horrible acting on live television.
He says Rusev isn’t signing the contract because Rusev never agreed to the match, himself. Anyhow, Rusev reaches into his coat to retrieve some creative writing which is peppered with phrases like “stupid Americans” and “stupid little country”. Rusev says American will die. Rusev signs the thing. Shit happens. The table gets tossed and Rusev rolls out of the ring. Cena waves the contract at him. Russian flag falls again because nobody ever bothers to piss Rusev off by loading up the American flag.
TONIGHT: 6-Man Tag with 6 of the IC title peeps.
ALSO: Randy Orton faces Seth Rollins.
New Day is in the ring as Big E shudders and shakes like he’s having a crack fit.
MATCH #3: The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya) (non-title) Suddenly, Los Matadores show up as they’re getting the Roman Reigns Violent Push treatement. Cesaro enters after Big E tosses Kofi into Tyson. He hits some uppercutes. Kofi tries to come back with a dropkick but Cesaro shrugs him off. He hits the Spin but something happens and Cesaro needs to drop him. All hell breaks loose and Kofi catches a goofy-looking uppercut to the back of his head. Cesaro covers for the win at 1:52. WINNERS: Cesaro & Kidd
RATING: DUD. The build-up for the RAW pre-show, everyone!
Post-match, Matadores and The New Day jaw at one another. Cesaro hits a neutralizer on Kofi. Torito hits a physically-impossible Hurricarana on Cesaro and so it goes.
LAST MONDAY: Bray taunted The Undertaker who didn’t show up, yet managed to light a chair on fire with worse VFX than what was seen in Sharknado.
TONIGHT: Bray does more freaky shit in order to draw out The Undertaker.
NEXT: Lesnar speaks.
We get a nice shot of the outside of Wells Fargo Arena. I guess it’s as good a time as any to point out that we’ve had 3 matches in 90 minutes, totaling 15 minutes — and 11 minutes of that was a Divas match.
Rollins is backstage as the Lollipop Guild argues with him about his fame. Noble gets so pissed that he quits the Security team. Mercury quits, too. So, naturally, Rollins will be booked to job to them next week in a handicap match.
Cole sets up the Brock Lesnar thing where Lesnar’s curse words get bleeped…except for “ass” which will get bleeped next week when the censors suddenly decide it’s a curse word.
Erick Rowan is wrestling Big Show when we come back from that. Months after his face turn and, still, no fucks have been given. Show kicks the shit out of him, then hits the KO Punch. He goes to the second rope and hits a elbow/body splash. There’s no match here. But, nobody wanted one anyhow, so…
THE NEWEST INDUCTEE INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME IS…Larry Zbyszko!
STILL TO COME: That 6-Man Tag Match
When we come back from break, Kane is in the ring with the WWE’s also-rans: Zack Ryder, Fandago, Heath Slater, Curtis Axel, Titus O’Neil, Goldust, Jack Swagger, Adam Rose and Darren Young. He declares that he will win the Andre Battle Royal. He will demonstrate that right now. So Mark Henry shows up and he gets mic time because we haven’t had enough promo spots. He says HE will win. Axel vacates. Dust, Swagger and a slew of others eat the outside mat. Kane and Henry are the only ones left after Kane dumps Titus. Kane hits an uppercut. Henry shrugs off his blows and tries to dump him. He succeeds. In runs Axel, who tries to dump Henry. Henry reverses that attempts. And that’s about as well as one could do to pump that match up.
STILL TO COME: Orton and Seth.
After, yet, ANOTHER BREAK.
THIS THURSDAY: 6-Being Interspecies Tag Match on Smackdown…which is the reason I quit watching it.
Out comes Paul Heyman to remind us that we’ve now had over 2 hours of RAW with 15 minutes of actual wrestling. At this point, this has become so tiresome, I can’t even enjoy whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Everyone hates Reigns. Everyone loves Lesnar. Heyman gives a good promo. None of this is working.
Roman Reigns appears. He wants to beat up Paul Heyman but he has “respect” for him. He’s here, instead, to speak to Brock Lesnar. Who isn’t here. So, he’ll speak to the camera. He says he’ll kick Lesnar’s ass. Seriously. There’s nothing here. I was in the kitchen, washing dishes during that entire segment and I rewound the thing to write this, thinking I’d need to recap something a lot more in-depth and sophisticated. Right now, it’s two guys speaking to each other through lawyers. That’s it.
Anyhow, when we come back, Renee Young catches Paul Heyman in the hallway. Heyman states that Lesnar will be here to confront Reigns.
HOLY SHIT A MATCH.
MATCH #4: WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper & Stardust vs. Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler & Dean Ambrose in a Six-Man Tag Team Match Just FYI: all three of the faces got a bigger pop tonight than Reigns has had in weeks. Oh, by the way, here comes R-Truth because he’s still in this shit but not white enough to compete. Stardust does cartwheel but Dean grabs him and slams him. Stardust comes back with punches in the corner. Ambrose whips him into the opposite corner, then hits a suplex. Tag to Bryan and Bryan puts him into a Surfboard, despite the fact that Stardust is completely mobile and not at all tired. Bryan kicks at Dust in the corner. Bryan hits an armbar and Ziggler tags himself in. Bryan argues with Ziggler. Stardust gets in the middle of that, so he gets dumped from the ring. It turns into a near-Pier 6 and we go to break.
We’re back and Harper is roughing up Dean Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose hits a nice Tornado DDT on a counter as “R-Trizzle” (because it’s 1995, see) sits in on commentary. Tags on both sides. Ziggler hits a DDT on Stardust but Dust comes back with a dropkick. Ziggler flies from the ring and Barrett attacks after a tag. He runs Ziggler into the crowd wall, then rolls him in-ring for a two-count. He puts Ziggler into the corner and kicks him in the ribs. Two count. Tags to Star and Harper. They rough up Ziggler. Barrett gets back in and kicks Ziggler, then hits a nice swinging neckbreaker for two. He tosses Ziggler into the corner and tags Harper. Harper tosses Barrett into Ziggler who evades. Harper charge and he flies out of the ring. Dust attacks and he gets sent to the mat.
Ziggler goes for a hot tag and completely misses as the heels take out Ambrose and Bryan. Ziggler counters a powerbomb and hits the Fame-Asser. Barrett saves the pin. All hell breaks loose as everyone gets into a huge brawl in the ring. It ends when the ring clears. Harper hits a Big Boot and a Sitting Powerbomb — but Ziggler kicks out! Wow. After another break, Barrett has Ziggler in a headlock. Ziggler starts to break it and hits a nice DDT. Ziggler gets the hot tag to Brayn. He’s all over Barrett after taking out Dust and Harper. Flying Goat to Harper as he tags Ambrose. Ambrose hits a splash on Barrett. Two count. Stardust sends Ambrose into the ropes. Comeback Clothesline. Everyone goes for a spot. Ziggler hits a Superkick on Bryan by accident, then nails Harper. Barrett goes for Wasteland but Ziggler counters and dives at both Harper and Stardust. In the ring, Barrett sets up for the Bullhammer but Ambrose ducks and counters with Dirty Deeds to get the pin at 17:00. WINNERS: Ambrose, Bryan and Ziggler
RATING: ***1/4. A VERY welcome quality match.
Post-match, Stardust tries to steal the IC title and run into the crowd but leaves the belt behind. Truth grabs it but Harper gets in his way. Truth throws it back into the ring. Bryan gets up and grabs it. So does Ziggler. The two fight over it. Barrett comes into the ring and it’s like an episode of Oprah: everyone gets a Bullhammer. He grabs his title, takes out Ambrose with a Bullhammer, then takes out Truth, who also gets in his way.
Steph and Triple H are having a moment backstage. Seth interrupts. He wants to know what Steph and Triple H are gonna do about things tonight. Steph says that it’s time for Rollins to lay down in the bed he made. Seth blames Steph for what’s going on. Triple H asks who Seth thinks he’s talking to. Seth goes nose to nose and dares him to mess up the company’s future. Steph gets between them. Triple H says that Seth should go before things go from bad to worse.
NEXT: Bray Wyatt talks.
LAST WEEK: Bray Wyatt talked. His chair was set on fire.
Bray Wyatt time. It’s another promo. It’s not in a ring. Doesn’t involve The Undertaker. So, who honestly cares?
NEXT: Orton and Rollins.
NEXT WEEK: Lesnar and Reigns go face to face.
ALSO NEXT WEEK: Snoop Dogg & Bill Simmons are here.
Orton’s out for the final match. Rollins is out for a promo. Rollins says that Orton has made the Authority look like fools. Then he laughs because, surprise, it’s a set-up that nobody, but the entire fucking WWE Universe saw coming. He’s made a fool out of Orton. He brings out the entire Authority in Triple H, Steph, Big Show, Kane, and J&J Security. Orton goes outside to grab a chair. He stands his ground. Triple H mocks him. They surround the ring.
Crowd chants for Sting. Everyone gets in the ring. Lights go out. The sound of a crow and Cole ruins the fucking moment by saying, “What in the world…?” Lights come back up. Sting’s in the ring with the baseball bat. The faces clear the ring out. Sting hits the Stinger Splash on J&J. Sting hits a Scorpion Deathdrop on Noble. Orton hits an RKO on Mercury. Crowd is INSANE right now, chanting Sting’s name.
We go off the air because OMGFANSWEREOUTTATIMEENJOYTHEFIFTHELEMENTONTHETBSNETWOR–..
OVERALL: A LOT of build-up. I’d go ** for the decent Divas match, the IC tag battle, and the Sting/Orton team-up at the end. There was a LOT of filler here, however. 4 matches on a RAW card totaling in 35 minutes of actual, recorded action? Not good.
Before we go…the best of the internet water coolers concerning this week’s show:
Community Season 6, Episode 1: Ladders Grade: C+ Season 6, Episode 2: Lawnmower Maintenance and Postnatal Care Grade: B
#SixSeasonsAndAMovie
By hook or by crook right? We’re finally at the sixth season, and though it’s technically not on television anymore, Yahoo brought us the beloved and tenacious Community back. Honestly, the show’s saga is only possible in this day and age of media, but hey, I like the show, so I’m not complaining. We’ve decided to review these two episodes together, due to their release and similar tone, and then the single episode reviews every week thereafter.
Ah, Greendale. After Subway decided to leave the little school that could alone, we snap back to the community college with a PA announcement written by Abed. It was great to see that even though season six is on Yahoo, they carried over so much, even the to-do board that Annie fastidiously updated was back, and lo and behold, due to some faulty tape, a major catastrophe occurs, bringing back old memories for Leonard. Can we just take a second and marvel at how different he looks with a wig? Also, the CGI here is just absolutely awful, it completely knocks you out of the story, but I guess Yahoo doesn’t have the budget that NBC has.
This episode is obviously the introduction to Francesca “Frankie” Dart, who is the typical type-A pathological problem fixer that is all the rage in TV nowadays. She steps in and immediately tries to whip Greendale into shape, and she succeeds…but in the process alienates the study group because she’s actually a professional. As the study group decides to rebel, they create a secret committee which of course turns into a speakeasy in the back of Shirley’s Sandwiches. In the meantime, Frankie convinces Abed that making a real difference is hard, because it lacks drama and tension.
This is where the episode weakens for me. The show is trying to introduce the character of Frankie, but it also tries to out-meta Abed, which in a sense is just trying to directly break the fourth wall and speak to the audience. This attempt seems clunky, and out of character for the show. Of course, Frankie finds the speakeasy, shuts it down, and in turn finds herself out of a position at Greendale. What I love though, is that in her next interview, her type-A personality is called out as no real person would speak like that in the workplace. This makes her an oddball, so of course, she’s welcomed back to Greendale with open arms (but mostly just to deal with medical bills and lawsuits for negligence).
AND JESUS WEPT!
But, not really, I just couldn’t stop burst out loud laughing whenever the Dean screamed that phrase from the top of his lungs. The second episode was much stronger, because Greendale went back to its usual nutty antics, involving the Dean putting himself in a 90’s era virtual reality machine (and misquoting the aforementioned line) and meeting Britta’s parents.
While the last episode introduced Frankie, this episode introduces Elroy Patashnik, the inventor of virtual reality machine which the Dean spends $5000 dollars on. While the last episode revolved around the introduction of Frankie, this episode gently introduces us to Elroy in a more casual manner, which may be the reason why I like him more. Of course, it could also be the fact that Keith David’s voice is incredibly soothing for some reason.
But, as the Dean becomes entranced in the ridiculously complex virtual reality world (you have to drown/murder a file in a fountain of a monastery to delete it), he gets trapped in ‘worlds within worlds’ and Jeff has to go track down Elroy in order to get a refund, which after some cajoling, happens, because Elroy comes back to Greendale and shows the Dean the next advent of virtual reality technology, which is in fact, the mouse. And so, with that out of the way, the stage is set for Elroy to enter, who I guess will be the new curmudgeon, a la Pierce/Hickey.
But, before the episodes are over, we get to meet Britta’s parents! Britta’s parents have secretly been paying off Britta’s debts to the study group for years and in fact have had them over for both game nights and dinners, dinners at which Jeff will eat mashed potatoes because they’re not made from carbs, they’re made of love. Britta’s realization of this (after having her parents pay for her to move in with Annie and Abed) sends her on a route of confrontation with her parents, only to realize that the parents she knew and rebelled against are gone, and that they, like herself have grown. Britta realizes that the reason why she can’t see her parents for who they are now is because she was there when they were still growing into those people (as Frankie hilariously puts it, Jimmy Fallon syndrome). I really hope that we see her parents in future episodes, they seem like they’d throw a wrench into the bummer that is Britta, and that’s a good thing.
All in all, these two episodes were mixed, but I understood what they were for, exposition. With the arrival of two new main characters for the season, there had to be a vehicle for them to be introduced. Frankie’s episode was clunky, Elroy’s less so. We’ll have to wait till next week to see where this leads us.
Oh, and hopefully by then Chang’s cat bite will have healed, that thing looked gruesome.
Tabloid fascination with the British monarchy has never quite caught on stateside, despite American popular culture celebrating the manufactured exploits of its own makeshift royalty with rabid enthusiasm.
It’s fitting, then, for entertainment news and celebrity lifestyle juggernaut E! to debut its first scripted effort following Sunday’s 10th season premiere of flagship reality enterprise “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Centered on another high-profile, albeit fictional, family, “The Royals” aims to offer a soapy send-up of regal privilege in the digital age, plastering its contemporary opulence with the kind of self-aware swagger that helped like-minded predecessor “Gossip Girl” set a new standard for primetime guilty pleasures.
Creator Mark Schwahn is no stranger to serialized angst: having served nine seasons as showrunner for stalwart CW drama “One Tree Hill,” Schwahn knows a thing or two about targeting content toward young, impressionable demographics. The material is practically a live-action mashup of BuzzFeed and a Vogue editorial spread, featuring swaths of beautiful people in unabashedly outlandish situations, all primed perfectly to become hashtag-laden trending topics by the hour’s end.
Indeed, “The Royals” already faced a reputation to uphold months before its premiere, as news of an early second-season renewal gave Schwahn the creative jolt he needed to expand his vision beyond the proverbial palace walls.
“I feel invigorated and revitalized in a way because of the new cast and because of the new stories, because of London, and in many ways because of E!,” Schwahn gushed at January’s Television Critics Association conference in Pasadena, Calif. “People are very excited about the show. This pickup caught us all off guard and we’re so thrilled. We’re so happy to be able to do another season. And quite frankly, I feel like if we’re not doing seasons five and six and seven, I’ve made a big mistake.”
“The Royals” may claim to present wholly original characters, the most publicized of whom is arguably Elizabeth Hurley’s icy Queen Helena, but plenty of critics have noticed parallels between the show’s raffish Prince Liam (William Moseley) and another second-born son of particular English pedigree. When asked if he drew inspiration from the real royal family when approaching his character, Moseley explained how the struggle to achieve a personal identity in the midst of a very public existence transcends any potential comparison between fact and fiction.
”That’s something that my character toys with throughout the entire season. It’s who he was before and who he is now. He never thought this was going to happen to him,” Moseley said, referring to a family tragedy that takes place in the show’s pilot and suddenly pits Liam first in line for the throne. “It thrusts him into a life that was nothing that he thought it was going to be. So he meets a lovely girl and that also changes things, but old habits die hard and it’s a hard thing to break. So Prince Harry, I can’t speak for. But Liam definitely does have to rethink himself.”
Liam’s reckless twin sister, Princess Eleanor (Alexandra Park), is also facing a turning point in the midst of the family’s upheaval. While her party-girl persona does make for an endless stream of gossip headlines, the schtick has long worn thin in the eyes of her image-obsessed mother. To Eleanor’s chagrin, she begins to realize she might be growing weary of it as well.
“In terms of the partying and wildness and makeup, I think all of that is gonna be pretty relatable for young women, in general, around the world because Eleanor uses all that stuff as a mask at the end of the day,” Park revealed. “She fronts as this confident, boozehound, table dancing, don’t care ‐‐ but you get to know her, and I think like how you get to know many young women in that age of being 20, and realize that they’re actually pretty lost. They’re searching for what their reason is and their point is. She’s a royal. She’s got a destiny. She can’t do a lot of stuff.”
While Park cited both Snow White and “Twilight” as templates upon which she based her portrayal of Eleanor, Hurley discussed how she took a page from a real-life princess when crafting her role.
“I thought to myself when I got offered this part what it would have been like if Princess Diana had become Queen of England,” Hurley confessed. “Because I felt she was someone we could identify with more because she’s a more similar age group, and her kids would be about the age of these kids now. And so I sort of took some inspiration from her, knowing how she dressed, how she spoke. Everything that we saw for the public — stepping out of cars, raising money, making speeches — I took that as some inspiration.”
Of course, the late Diana was also renowned for her philanthropic humanitarian efforts, a selfless trait the unabashedly narcissistic Queen Helena doesn’t even attempt to convey. Hurley acknowledged the differences and explained how she and Schwahn integrated a literally cartoonish icon within Helena’s demeanor to better suit the show’s campy framework.
“Of course, what we never got to see with Princess Diana really was behind those closed doors, so all that, I made up myself. Mark gave us a lot of it. Some of it we picked from Cruella de Vil,” she laughed.
The game cast also has the added benefit of an on-set sounding board, as “Dynasty” alumna Dame Joan Collins will appear later this season in a highly touted guest arc as Helena’s mother, the Grand Duchess of Oxford. Collins’ shrewd casting could potentially insert an added boost of winking bravado to the already ostentatious presentation; her blunt quips when responding to reporters’ questions and her own castmates’ observations ignited an undeniable spark to the show’s TCA panel.
“Well, I certainly see the royal family as being kind of in show business. That’s for sure. I mean, how do I know if they’re acting?” she declared, when asked if she thinks “The Royals” is really the high-octane parody its marketers would have us believe. “I don’t know if we bore them senseless when they talk to us. I have no idea. But certainly, I think all the ones I’ve met do a phenomenal job of being fabulous to their humble subjects such as ourselves,” she joked.
Hurley couldn’t help but dish about the opportunity to work with Collins, confirming she was “obsessed” with “Dynasty” in its heyday, but Park and Moseley admitted their generation won’t likely recognize 80s-era soap opera royalty when they see it. Collins, however, seemed unfazed. While Hurley discussed girlhood fantasies of palatial privilege, Collins offered just the opposite.
“I never wanted to be any of those things,” she said. “I really just wanted to be an actress or a detective or a writer.”
At first glance, “The Royals” unfolds with the stylized flair and visual dazzle of a pop star’s music video. The saturated colors, lavish production design and quick edits appear designed specifically to prevent viewers from noticing the distinct lack of narrative cohesion or character depth. Even at its most superficial, however, “The Royals” does know its network and its audience, largely prioritizing appearance above substance — not unlike Queen Helena’s own life philosophy.
It’s a smartly conceptualized project that could initiate a whole new platform for original content on E!, provided at least some emotional resonance peeks through the exhaustive, opaque brocade of pomp and circumstance every now and then. A promising scene featuring Eleanor and her father, King Simon (Vincent Regan), bonding over late-night pie inserts some welcome pathos into the spectacle, and mercifully alleviates the weight of weaker links like Simon’s abhorrent, predatory brother, Cyrus (Jake Maskall), and Liam’s plucky American squeeze, Ophelia (Merritt Patterson). Cyrus’ hopelessly daft daughters, Princesses Maribel and Penelope (Hatty Preston and Lydia Rose Bewley), meanwhile, elicit the highest ratio between eye rolls and spoken dialogue than any other series regular thus far.
Schwahn hopes to maintain a working balance of American TV tropes alongside the show’s definitively British setting to cement “The Royals” as a collaborative clash of cultures both sides of the pond will appreciate. With season two already set to begin production this spring, there’s plenty of pearls left to clutch.
“Americans should think the show is so British and the British should think it’s not British at all. And that’s where we’ve sort of lived. And I think that a lot of people who read the pilot, they tended to whisper a little bit how much they liked it, because they felt like it was a little cheeky,” Schwahn chuckled. “But ultimately, I think if you’ve seen the episodes you can kind of tell what we’re doing. And I think they got very comfortable with it … We like to say it’s ‘a’ royal family. It’s not ‘the’ royal family. So hopefully everyone approaches it with that spirit.”
As for Collins, the pressure of satirizing such a ubiquitous institution hasn’t seemed to even cross her mind. When asked if she’s worried how the real royal family will react to the show, she balks with an appropriately dignified scoff.
“What? Worried? No,” she dismisses, flicking her wrist for emphasis.
Are you ready for an entirely different game on an entirely different throne? Share your thoughts on “The Royals” in our comment section, and stick with @TheWorkprint for all your pop culture needs.
Monday night on The Tonight Show Jimmy Fallon hosted Jim Parsons, Miles Teller, and musical guest Wiz Khalifa in a game of Catchphrase.
The rules of the game are simple. A button is pressed on the Catchphrase device and a hot potato-like counter begins. Players on two teams must draw a card and have their teammate guess what is written. Once a card is guessed correctly, the device is passed to a player on the opposite team. The goal is to not be holding the device when the counter ends.
During the second round of the segment, Miles Teller draws a card labeled “Shake It Off” and is met with the greatest look of confusion by his teammate Wiz Khalifa.
Either Wiz had an epic brain fart at that very moment or he somehow managed to get this far in life without hearing “Shake It Off” at least once. A part of me wonders if Wiz has been exposed to Frozen yet.
The Walking Dead Season 5, Episode 14 – “Spend” Air Date – March 15, 2015 Grade: B
How lucky are the citizens of Alexandria that they’ve managed to survive this long? The Walking Dead doesn’t always have particularly subtle writing, but “Spend” contains a comic display of incompetence from the clumsy, cowardly Alexandrians. It’s no surprise that Rick and his group are quickly assuming positions of power within Alexandria (a fact that hasn’t gone unnoticed by Deanna), but it’s a wonder that the entire community hasn’t collapsed in on itself already. Nevertheless, things are escalating quickly as the show prepares itself for a showdown between Rick’s group and the locals. It’s a thrilling but inconsistent episode that delivers plenty of gory action to make up for its largely obligatory plotting.
Zombies aren’t really a big threat to our heroes anymore. That’s the way it should be, but it also means that we don’t see things go as horribly wrong as they do tonight unless there’s some clumsy idiot to panic and ruin everything. The Walking Dead strains a little too hard trying to highlight the skill gap between Rick’s survivors and the locals; the incompetence and cowardice on display borders on slapstick. Aiden Monroe and Nicholas are joined by Glenn, Tara, Noah, and Eugene on an ill-fated supply run for parts to fix Alexandria’s malfunctioning power grid. Things quickly go from bad to worse as Aiden accidentally shoots a grenade on a zombie’s military vest–the explosion leaves Aiden impaled on some debris and Tara unconscious from a traumatic head injury. In the ensuing chaos, Nicholas’ desperate panic leads to the gruesome deaths of both Aiden and Noah. Even Eugene, who spends much of the mission reminding everyone of his cowardice, steps up to the plate and does his part to get the others out alive. It’s another small triumph for his character, albeit a little ham-handed.
In a similar but far less disastrous vein, Abraham finds himself at the head of Alexandria’s construction crew after he rescues a lookout named Francine from zombies while the rest of the crewmen scatter like field mice. It’s a nice victory for Abraham, who has been searching for purpose after Eugene’s alleged cure fell apart. No one dies, the crewmen eagerly rally behind him, and even the previous foreman Tobin is all too willing to officially resign his post. Apparently abandoning your friends at the first sign of danger is just standard procedure for the citizens of Alexandria; they’re just a town full of Shaggys and Scoobys waiting desperately for a Fred to lead them.
Deanna Monroe is well aware that Rick and the rest of the survivors are quickly supplanting the locals in positions of power. However, she’s given more to think about when Gabriel appears to warn her about trusting the new arrivals. Gabriel’s crisis of faith is still ongoing, but not in any particularly interesting or compelling way. His tortured conscience is projecting his own guilt onto Rick and the others, and in doing so, plants the seeds of doubt into Deanna’s mind. Deanna herself is still somewhat convincing as a wise and cautious leader, but we haven’t seen much beyond her trust and idealism in welcoming Rick and his people. Her character still has potential, however–it’ll be interesting to see how she reacts to Gabriel’s warning (particularly in light of Aiden’s death), and whether she had any contingency plans in place for when the situation with Rick’s group deteriorates.
To further complicate things, Carol finds herself reluctantly bonding with Jessie’s son Sam, who is still on the hunt for some cookies. Despite being a big bully, Carol teaches Sam how to bake his own cookies, and in the process stumbles upon the revelation that Sam’s father Pete is an abusive drunk. After paying Pete a visit to confirm her suspicions, she informs Rick of her discovery. In Carol’s eyes, the situation is fairly clear cut: “I know how this is going to go with Pete–there’s only one way this can go. You’re gonna have to kill him.”
“Spend” is another busy episode that succeeds largely from its action and forward momentum. We haven’t seen action or gore like this in a long time–Rick’s group has gotten so good at surviving that they don’t really find themselves getting trapped in revolving doors anymore. Both the warehouse supply run and Abraham’s single handed zombie massacre were a lot of fun to watch, but unfortunately the characterization and plotting in the rest of the episode aren’t particularly compelling. The comic levels of ineptitude are a little too distracting–our heroes are hurtling inexorably towards a major conflict with the citizens of Alexandria, but from what we’ve seen so far, the fight seems like it’ll be pretty one-sided.
Daryl fixed up his motorcycle, and he and Aaron set off on their inaugural recruiting mission.
I had a note about Noah’s eagerness to learn architecture from Reg, and how the role was a good fit for him, but never mind I guess.
Dr. Katrina Jones truly shines in this week’s episode of “12 Monkeys” as a complex badass who is willing to do anything to get what she wants. While we’re still reeling from last week’s revelations, circumstances escalate to critical levels in both timelines as audiences discover that the good guys aren’t so good after all.
We start off with Cole in 2017, wandering the streets of Chechnya and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Everything seems to be in chaos as the plague has now been fully released with most of the world’s population infected. He comes across a small group of people watching an emergency television broadcast from the CDC in Baltimore and none other than Cassie being interviewed. She’s asking for all people immune to the virus to make their way to Baltimore because the CDC’s headquarters in Atlanta is no longer operational. Yikes.
Meanwhile in 2043, Jones is quelling some dissension in the ranks. Some on her team had heard the rumors that Foster had found the cure to the plague. She quickly explains that he had cured the 2033 version of it and not the current mutation (which has gone through 2 changes already). She reiterates that the colonel lied to give his people hope and to allow him to continue his obsessive search. According to her, Project Splinter was only way to save humanity and for that they need Spearhead’s core.
We jump to the Spearhead compound where Ramse has arrived to usher Elena and his son to safety before the impending attack. Elena is resistant to leave though, saying that this was their home and that Foster wasn’t lying. She was in the lab when they had found the cure. She convinces Ramse to let her show him evidence, but Foster and his men catch them before she is able too. They are locked up in a room and soon after gunshots are heard, ushering in Team Splinter’s arrival. Their assault is bloody, quick, and decisive thanks to the help of Whitley’s father, who is convinced by his son to aid them. The greatest shock of the episode comes when Jones is alone with Foster and they are once again arguing their fundamentally different views on the best course of action. We learn more about their past together in the early days of the plague, when their loved ones were still alive. Foster reminisces that back then they were both better people because they had hope. While Jones agrees, she adds that at the time she was still a mother and then proceeds to shoot him in the gut without even flinching.
Jones is one cold lady. You can see in her eyes that when her daughter died a part of her died as well. She is now just as single-minded as Foster was when he killed all those officials who wanted to move out of Spearhead. The poor guy is in complete shock and keeps gaping at her while she coolly gazes back unfazed. Damn. Well the core is definitely hers now.
This episode also takes us to 2041, where we find out how Ramse and Cole first became involved in Project Splinter. The two men tried to take on a whole bunch of Whitley’s guys but get caught naturally. Whitley beats the crap out of them trying to determine how much they knew about the facility when Jones walks in and asks Cole for his name. Once he tells her, she says that she’s been waiting for him for a very long time. The doctor lets them hear Cassie’s recording and explains what Project Splinter’s goal is. Cole thinks the German doctor is crazy and attempts to break out, but Ramse prevents him from getting away. He realizes that they are much better off in there and takes the leap of faith that Jones could be telling the truth. Ramse once again shows audiences that he’s the guy to trust (for now!!).
Run for your life!
Changing gears to 2017, Cole manages to make his way to an American base where he is allowed in and surprisingly finds a female officer who’s been waiting to take him back to the States. He arrives at the Baltimore CDC via armored truck as protection from the throngs of angry and scared people looking for a cure. As Cole is ushered into the building, he doesn’t notice Jennifer outside with the protesters. She dons the role of preacher to a small crowd of women who watch her with mixed expressions. Amongst her babble is this gem: “When disappearing men die on their sword, we daughters shall make from 12 what man could not. An army.” This little speech makes me wondering if after Cole’s splinter the last time she saw him she somehow joined up with the Army of the 12 Monkeys because she felt abandoned.
Inside the CDC, Cole finally meets Cassie who isn’t doing so well herself (she is though sporting the strip of white hair ala Rogue). Dr. Railly says that she thought that they had stopped the plague in 2015 and that Cole had disappeared, but that obviously wasn’t the case. Apparently a lot had happened between them as well in the last two years leaving Cole totally perplexed by the statement (can we get any vaguer?). She passes out for a few moments and wakes up not remembering having spoken to him minutes ago. Cassie asks him if he’s found the red forest and when he looks confused she realizes that he doesn’t know yet. He wants her to tell him everything but the virologist says she can’t change the path he’s on. Cassie hands Cole a piece of paper and makes him promise to always keep it to himself and on his person. It’s an important address that his life depends on. The next few seconds are heartbreaking for Team Casserole as Cassie says her final words and dies. Cole soon splinters to 2043, the gash he made on her watch disappears and becoming the watch he eventually finds in the future. AAHHH!!!!!!!! Tears are pricking my eyes just a wee bit.
In the future timeline, Jones is able to bring Cole home to his present via Spearhead’s core. Before that happens however, Jones takes a printout showing the cured status of the 2041 virus mutation and then BURNS IT. That’s right, she freaking lied!!!!! Jones couldn’t stand to live in a world where her daughter was still dead and so screw everyone else. At this point my mind was just going WTF over and over and over again. Because this really could mean that Jones somehow caused the whole virus to begin with and that would mean she is the bad guy. Holy crap.
But let’s get back to Cole. He returns to 2043 to an empathetic Jones who understands the rawness of his emotions as he tells her of Cassie’s death. At some point Ramse comes back to the facility having escaped Spearhead with Elena and Sam. While hiding out, Elena manages to make Ramse doubt Jones, asking what if she was the one who actually lied and not Foster. When the two best friends meet they find themselves on opposing sides. Ramse asks Cole how he can be with Jones when she murdered half of Spearhead and lied about the cure. Cole though is too emotionally wrought from Cassie’s demise that all that matters to him is the mission. Ramse tells him that he found Elena and that he has a son, which has changed his perspective even more now that he has his child to protect. They get into a nasty argument with Ramse saying that Cassie was supposed to die, earning Cole’s ire. He then pisses Ramse off by scoffing that his kid is already dead because there is no future. Guys can’t we all just get a long?
Gone far too soon.
In this action-packed episode, let’s take a moment to lament the death of Colonel Foster. He was a character that made a big impact during his brief time in “12 Monkeys” (though he may be poised to return during a jump to the past!) with his larger than life view of himself. I was seriously hoping he would be alive for a few more episodes, but the shock was well worth it and his untimely passing served to show audiences Jones’ stone cold persona.
Speaking of Jones, it’s interesting to see how both she and Cole have people in the past to save while Foster and Ramse were trying to save those in their present. Its evident here that the road to hell is paved with good intentions as all four characters are motivated by the same thing and have committed terrible acts in order get what they want.
This episode takes us to a whole new place as everyone continues to have their own agendas, except Cassie perhaps. I have a feeling we will see some very surprising things from Dr. Railly between 2015 to 2017 that will make us question her as well. Something to do with the red forest maybe? She made it sound like a real place and not just a hallucination. Those two years also must be a critical time for Jennifer Goines who appears to be crazy as ever, but whose side is she on now? Well, we’ll find out soon enough.
It feels like we’re entering a new chapter in the series as Ramse and Cole’s friendship ends due to their choices and circumstances. Their relationship has been a constant on the show and now that it appears to be over I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. Cole no longer has a moral compass and this time it doesn’t look like he’s going to see Ramse’s point of view the way he did while they were still with the West VII. Things will probably get worse as Cole seems to be on the same path as Jones in securing their loved ones’ futures.
What is in store for us on next week? A lot more madness I hope. “12 Monkeys” continues to be a show full of twists and turns at every corner and where the unexpected is the norm. Thank goodness for that.
“12 Monkeys” airs Fridays 9/8 central on Syfy. Follow Nicole on Twitter: @niixc. Images courtesy of Syfy.
After watching Jupiter Ascending when it released (and sharing Trisha’s sentiments about the film completely), I have come to the conclusion that without the crutch of a source material, Hollywood simply cannot make a compelling science fiction movie.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED Guardians of the Galaxy. It was one of my favorite movies in recent years (sorry, Joss and the Avengers). However, relatively unknown as the comics may have been before the movie, there isn’t exactly a shortage of material from which to draw. Heck, the compilation by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning is an excellent study guide for anyone wishing to learn about the Guardians. James Gunn and Nicole Perlman definitely wrote the heck out of their screenplay for the film, but they also already had firmly established characters with years and years of background, history, and relationships. Maybe it sounds harsh but of course it’s easier to craft a compelling narrative when the characters and subplots between them have been handed down to you. Just look at the world of fanfiction. (I’m not knocking fanfiction; I love you guys!)
However, even with the entrenched characters and pre-made world, Guardians is still an anomaly in the realm of science fiction movies. With a backing of source material and large fandoms, movies like Divergent, Tron: Legacy, and Ender’s Game still floundered. (But my god were they stunning to look at.) I have yet to see the film, but the newly released Chappieseems to also suffer from the same flaws. (And racking up less than stellar box office numbers.)
And therein lies the issue.
Hollywood has been amazing at crafting fantastical worlds. Jupiter Ascending, for all its flaws, was gorgeous to behold. The premise, the differences between planets and spaceships was everything I wanted in a sci-fi movie. But when all is said and done and the movie releases, these Hollywood-made worlds are left out to rot and I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe all of the energy was put into CGI, costumes, and fight scenes so then nothing was left for the actual story or the characters in it. Or maybe Hollywood has the wrong impression of viewers. Have I missed some stereotype that any fan of sci-fi must want 35 minutes per movie of ridiculous, over-the-top battles that have little to no bearing on the story at large? Dazzle viewers with the pretty and hope they don’t notice the Mary Sue and Gary Stu leading the charge, amirite, Hollywood?
Except we do notice. We notice every time. We aren’t cats, able to be distracted with a laser pointer. No matter how gorgeous a film is, we prefer substance. Why do you think fans still watch the original Star Wars trilogy on repeat even though the graphics are abysmal compared to modern standards?
Could not more time be spent on developing real characters with flaws and personalities, who maybe don’t instantly fall in love with the first person they come across in their age range? I’m sorry, Hollywood, but love doesn’t make a character complicated and ten minutes of background narration at the beginning of a film isn’t a substitute for telling a real story.
TV shows have had better success with their ventures into the science fiction realm. Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Helix, Farscape, and so many more have maintained momentum with fans. (My editor would like me to remind you that The 100 and 12 Monkeys–newer shows–are also fantastic.) Is it because there is more time to learn about characters and plots, subplots, etc.? I suppose I can understand that reasoning, but it still isn’t an excuse. Besides, Hollywood doesn’t seem to have nearly as many issues with other genres.
I don’t know that I have an answer for Hollywood, other than to start giving a shit about the stories they write. This is one instance where I desperately want someone to prove me wrong. (Okay, maybe I want writers of video game movies to prove me wrong just a bit more.) If anyone has suggestions for movies I may have overlooked, I am all ears.
Earlier this week Deadline reported that Universal Pictures signed a three-year first look deal with Scholastic Inc. and Deborah Forte to bring the publisher’s notable titles onto the big screen. Forte has already brought a number of books to film and television including “The Golden Compass,” “Clifford the Big Red Dog,” “Tuck Everlasting,” and the upcoming “Goosebumps” starring Jack Black.
Already in current development is “The 39 Clues,” a middle grade adventure series centering on two orphaned siblings, Amy and Dan Cahill, who find themselves in a race to uncover their family’s biggest secret as they travel around the world for clues. Authors such as Rick Riordan, Gordon Korman, Peter Lerangis, David Baldacci, and Linda Sue Park have all contributed. As a huge fan of this series I couldn’t be more excited!
Scholastic possesses a wide array of great titles in their catalog and here’s what we thought would make awesome films for fans of all ages to enjoy:
“Captain Underpants” – written by Dav Pilkey
George and Harold’s principal, mean old Mr. Krupp, doesn’t like the pair’s pranks or their comic books. And he’s cooked up a plan to catch George and Harold and stop their shenanigans—once and for all! Here’s the story of what happened when that plan back-fired, and Captain Underpants leaped off the page to save the day!
Our thoughts: While an animated version of “Captain Underpants” is in pre-production, we’d love to see Bryan Cranston as Captain Underpants in a live-action version. Fans of all ages who enjoyed the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” series can definitely get behind the shenanigans of George and Harold! Plus c’mon BRYAN CRANSTON.
“The Underland Chronicles” – written by Suzanne Collins
Meet Gregor, a kid from New York City, who falls out of his laundry room into a fantastical subterranean world called the Underland. Accompanied by his toddler sister, Boots, he encounters giant talking creatures– cockroaches, bats, spiders and rats–and an unusual society of humans. And they’re all expecting him…
Our thoughts: While it’s not quite as high fantasy as “Game of Thrones,” fans of the genre can definitely enjoy the the variety of creatures in the Underland! Brought you by the same author who’s given audiences “The Hunger Games.”
“Infinity Ring Series” – multiple authors
When best friends Dak Smyth and Sera Froste discover the key to time travel — the Infinity Ring — they’re swept up in a centuries-long secret war for the fate of mankind. Recruited by the Hystorians, a secret society that dates back to Aristotle, the kids learn that history has gone disastrously off course — and it’s up to them to fix it, with the help of teenage Hystorian-in-training Riq. First stop: Spain, 1492, where a sailor named Christopher Columbus is about to be thrown overboard in a deadly mutiny.
Our thoughts: Doctor Who fans can definitely get into this as two kids travel through time to fix history and save the future. What’s not to like??
“The Iron Trial” – written by Cassandra Clare and Holly Black
All his life, Callum has been warned by his father to stay away from magic. If he succeeds at the Iron Trial and is admitted into the Magisterium, he is sure it can only mean bad things for him. So he tries his best to do his worst — and fails at failing.
Now the Magisterium awaits him. It’s a place that’s both sensational and sinister, with dark ties to his past and a twisty path to his future.
Our thoughts: For those who love “Harry Potter” this could be the fix you’re looking for. Written by Clare (“The Moral Instruments” series) and Black (“The Spiderwick Chronicles”), the duo does a great job world building and plotting some very unexpected twists and turns.
“Tombquest” – written by Michael Northrop
The tombs are opening . . .
Nothing can save Alex Sennefer’s life. That’s what all the doctors say, but his mother knows it’s not true. She knows that the Lost Spells of the Egyptian Book of the Dead can pull her son back from the brink. The problem? When she uses the spells, five Death Walkers are also brought back to life.
An ancient evil has been unleashed. Long-dead mummies are awakening. New York City is overrun by menacing scorpions. And worst of all for Alex, his mom and the Lost Spells have both disappeared. He and his best friend, Ren, will do anything to find his mom and save the world. . . even if they have to go head-to-head with a Death Walker who has been plotting his revenge for 3,000 years.
Some tombs were meant to stay closed . . .
Our thoughts: Mummies come back to life, ancient curses, magic, and secret societies sound like a recipe for adventure! Fans of old movie monsters or even the more recent “The Mummy” franchise can appreciate the dead resurrecting to seek revenge on the living!
Which Scholastic books would you like to see on the big screen? Comment below!
Okay, so maybe my title is a bit misleading but I cannot contain the excitement and I just had to proclaim it to the world. The truth of it is, Alan Tudyk and Nathan Fillion (from Firely, come on now) started an IndieGoGo campaign for a new web series called Con Man. I’m a huge fan of web series and love what shows like The Guild, The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, etc. have done for the internet, AND I’m a huge fan of this duo, so naturally, I peed my pants a little upon reading the news. But here, let me stop rambling and let the boys tell you all about it in their own words:
So basically it’s like Galaxy Quest, but probably with fewer aliens (and without Tim Allen, thankfully). The campaign has already tripled its goal of $425,000 and with 29 days left to fund, I’d guess that number will get a wee bit larger which only means more episodes. Also of note, The Verge states:
A handful of other sci-fi stars will also appear in the series. That includes Firefly costars Gina Torres and Sean Maher, Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn, as well as Felicia Day, Amy Acker, and Seth Green.
Eh? Eh? What do we think, Browncoats? It’s not Serenity, but let’s be honest, the camaraderie between the Firefly actors is what we all really miss. I still maintain it’s not too late to do a Firefly animated series. Come on, Joss. Don’t let me down.
No news about when the web series might be released, but that’s a while off, yet. All I know is, Con Man already has at least ten episodes to watch and almost no chance of being cancelled!
Archer Season 6, Episode 10, “Reignition Sequence” Air Date: March 12, 2015 Grade: B+
It’s been a long time coming, but Archer finally gets around to addressing the complicated mess of a relationship between Archer and Lana. They’re finally back together again; except this time, it really does seem different. With the pair’s passionate honeymoon phase reignited and shamelessly on display, the disgusted office drones set about trying to break them up by calling in the one and only Katya Kazanova (Ona Grauer). “Reignition Sequence” tempts Archer with the return of his former fiancé (who is now the cyborg leader of the KGB) in a relatively low key episode that tests Archer’s resolve and questions whether he’s really changed at all.
The drones hatch a plan to break up the “unspeakably revolting symbiotic mass of bodily fluids that is now Archer and Lana,” and they know that the only other woman Archer has ever loved is Katya. As Archer returns home to prepare a dinner for Lana, he instead finds Katya waiting in the bedroom. She’s received all sorts of operating system upgrades since they last met, including programming for the entire Kama Sutra and an appreciation for lacrosse. As the drones watch on from Krieger’s stakeout van (an ice cream truck, because the Rush van is too “iconic”, and also he’s been moonlighting), Archer somehow manages to resist all her advances. He eventually delivers the most sincere articulation of his love for Lana in the entire series, a touching moment that proves to Katya that he really has changed. Lana is ultimately his best friend, soulmate, and the mother of his child, and Archer would never do anything to jeopardize their new relationship. It’s a sweet moment for Archer, who seems like he may have finally reached some milestone in his personal growth, and the poignant sentimentality is still nicely balanced out by Lana discovering the cyborg vagina Katya left in Archer’s sink.
Archer is a character who thrives on being unsympathetic–his immaturity, callousness, and vanity drive a lot of the humor in the show. It’s a particular challenge, therefore, to have him believably grow and mature without sacrificing too much of his roguish charm. While Archer hasn’t changed too much, it seems he truly has at least matured enough to be a decent father and in a relationship with Lana. Over six seasons, his personal growth has been slow and almost imperceptible, but extreme circumstances have frequently revealed a more caring side of him. The key has really been the focus on his devotion in spite of his complete inability to express his emotions or behave appropriately in any given situation. How much he cares about others is at direct odds with his selfishness, and drives him to gradually become a better person. It’s a subtle, sympathetic arc that has provides character growth without sacrificing anything that makes Archer quintessentially Archer.
Once again, the drones are a ton of fun when they’re tasked with a mission to ruin. Their enthusiasm and motivation to achieve a particular goal provides a focus for their chaos, and helps to ground their storyline with the main plot. Woodhouse is notably missing, a running gag throughout the episode that makes him one of the rare characters whose absence is as funny as his presence. It’s also a shame we haven’t seen more of Malory–she’s in most episodes, but usually only long enough to register her general disgust with her employees.
So, I think Archer has reached a breakthrough here tonight. His relationship with Lana seems like the real deal. There’s a sort of finality to their reunion; a positive coda to a long romantic arc that can be somewhat deflating for the series as a whole (see: Jim and Pam from The Office). It’s good that the series didn’t beat around the bush for too long, but I’m sure that this isn’t “happily ever after” for Archer and Lana. Notably, the relationship is still a secret from Malory, and we still haven’t seen much of wee baby AJ, so I imagine there are plenty more drama and misadventures in store.
“I know you better sit your ass down before I jam an Easy Spirit up it!”
Cheryl had a different plan, brilliantly depicted in an cartoonish flipbook sequence, that of course involved kidnapping AJ and sending her to Bhutan to be raised as an assassin by R’as Al Ghul.
“Whatever it is, for some reason I don’t have to suppress my gag reflex now whenever you mention your cordwainer.”
“I can’t remember when I was this happy!” “You… recently gave birth to a child.”
Archer is making copies of flyers to post, that read: “Loss Valet. Answers to the name Woodhouse. Responsible for my meals, dressing, grooming. Needs medicine: Heroin”
Dear Parents and Loved Ones of Frozen Obsessed Children,
Just as you thought Frozen fever was dying down, Disney went ahead and announced a sequel for their billion dollar plus movie. That’s right, just as you and your family were ready to “let it go,” Disney’s decided to pull you right back in with Frozen 2.
Disney CEO Bob Iger announced the sequel earlier today at an investors meeting. Not much is currently known except directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee are developing the film and Josh Gad reprising his role as Olaf.
If your child is in need of more Frozen between now and the release of Frozen 2, this weekend’s upcoming release of Cinderella will feature a Frozen Forever short. Don’t worry parents, according to Workprint writer Matt Degroot, Cinderella is actually a fantastic movie.
Syfy is not done with their time-travel epic just yet! The network announced on Thursday that they will be renewing 12 Monkeys for a second season.
Along with the renewal announcement, Terry Matalas and Travis Fickett will step up as showrunners of the series. Current showrunner Natalie Chaidez will be heading up her own series, Hunters, for Syfy.
“We are absolutely committed to 12 Monkeys, and have been incredibly impressed by the outstanding critical and audience praise the series has earned,” said Dave Howe, Syfy President. “The talent both on and off-screen have delivered a series that has us all on the edge of our seats, providing exactly the smart, exciting storytelling Syfy is known for.”
Jeff Wachtel, President and Chief Content Officer, NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment, added, “12 Monkeys is a show that has exceeded expectations at every stage. It’s had a great first season creatively, and is building a dedicated audience. We can’t wait to see where – and when! – Terry and Travis will take us next.”
12 Monkeys airs Fridays at 9PM ET/PT; the season one finale will air Friday, April 10.
This morning Disney chairman and CEO Bob Iger announced the title of the first stand-alone movie of the Star Wars franchise, as well as the director and writer for Star Wars: Episode VIII.
The stand-alone movie, Rogue One, will be the first Star Wars movie that takes place outside of the core universe of the first six franchise films. Rogue One will be directed by Gareth Edwards and written by Oscar nominee Chris Weitz. Felicity Jones was the first actress to be cast. The film will start shooting this summer in London. Rogue One is set to release on December 16, 2016.
Iger also announced that Rian Johnson will write and direct Star Wars: Episode VIII. Johnson is best known for his work on Looper, Brick, andThe Brothers Bloom. He was also behind the camera for three episodes of the critically-acclaimed TV series Breaking Bad, including “Ozymandias.”
Star Wars: Episode VIII is set for release on May 26, 2017.
In the second episode of Powers, a character is playing Sony’s superhero exclusive Infamous: Second Son, with Delsin Rowe reskinned to look like a superhero from the show. The kid is wearing fancy Sony headphones and makes use of the PS4’s face camera, in a way that screams “blatant marketing” in giant blue letters. It’s an odd moment that highlights how odd it is that Powers got chosen for a live action series instead of Infamous, a PlayStation exclusive franchise that was even the selling point for buying a PS4. People know of the characters from the Infamous universe, and with Second Son taking place years after Infamous 2, this would’ve been a moment to show what happened over the seven-year gap. Instead, here’s…well, let’s get into what Powers is.
Powers is a thankfully an easy show to summarize. It’s an adaptation of the long running comic of the same name from Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Avon Oeming, set in Los Angeles where cops operate in the world of superheroes. Our hero is Sharlto Copley’s Christian Walker, former hero Diamond who lost his powers and became a cop. His partner is killed by a Power and is replaced by Deena Pilgram, played by Susan Heyward. The two investigate the death of a Power and a young woman (Olesya Rulin) linked to his death. Also mixed into this is Noah Taylor’s Johnny Royale, a Power with the ability to teleport and looks like Gary Oldman while sounding like Christian Bale’s Batman.
If nothing else, Powers feels like a comic book in that it handles exposition with the grace of a drunk person on the dance floor. The world building is inconsistent; the way the cops deals with each Power according to their abilities and weaknesses is interesting, as is the idea of Power kids who walk around fully aware of their powers and status. What doesn’t work is that the show seems to think the viewer has the memory of a goldfish and forgets that Christian lost his powers. They reiterate the fact something like five times in the pilot, either at the start via info dump from Extra’s Mario Lopez, and later on when Christian screams that his nemesis Wolfe (Eddie Izzard in a frankly ridiculous wig) “took my powers!”, something that was all but explicitly stated about 10 minutes earlier.
The tone also feels like something that will become more of a problem as the show goes on. While it embraces Flash’s costumed characters and cheesy one liners–one character literally shouts “ride the lightning” before shooting electricity out of his eyes–it also relies a bit too much on Gotham’s attempts to be gritty. This is a world where people in ridiculous looking costumes are casually enjoying a hot dog in the middle of the park and cops are growling out “shits” and “fucks” every two minutes like their hearts will stop if they don’t. At times, it can be poignant, such as Christian begging Rulin’s Calista to not jump off a roof to find out if she has powers because, as he puts it, she’s “special anyway”. Other times, it’s just weird. There’s a moment where Christian and Deena are talking with the wife of their murder victim and she just goes on about her and her husband having superpowered orgies back in the day while the music swells. It’s just a weird moment that feels like it belongs in a comedy instead of a gritty crime drama.
Also not helping is a cast that’s all over the place. Copley works best when he’s playing the tortured ex-hero, because it’s the only time that he actually feels genuine. Outside of those moments, he just feels like he’s overdoing the grit and his American accent is distracting to the point where even his heartfelt moments lose some of their impact. But that’s nothing compared to Taylor’s, which fluctuates with every other line. In episode one in particular, it felt like he wasn’t entirely sure what to stick with. Rulin’s Calista alternates between being endearing and annoying. Part of it is how she’s written; she’s a “wannabe” who wants powers of her own and to just be accepted by her idol Retro Girl, but she continues to ally herself with Royale despite how blatant he couldn’t be telegraphing his plans to kill her once she’s outlived her usefulness.
Of the main cast, Heyward and Michelle Forbes’ Retro Girl are the most consistent in acting. Heyward gets some good comebacks, despite the show’s apparent attempt to shit on her, and she carries herself well as a normal in a world of Powers. Forbes’ plays Retro Girl with the right amount of smugness to her actions; she knows she’s a diva and an idol to normal people and fully embraces it. Her walking into a nightclub and pushing down a fan who’s a little too touchy feels realistic and appropriate. The show works best when it has these superhuman characters going through very human moments, like Christian watching two Powers fight in the sky and contemplating jumping off his roof to see if he can fly again.
PlayStation has decided to launch Powers with a trio of episodes that are inconsistent in terms of quality. The premiere episode is definitely the weakest, alternating between goofy overdoses of grit and human levels of poignancy, while the next two pick up speed and become more interesting. It’s in episode three in particular where it feels like the series could become something bigger. A subplot about neutralizing imprisoned Powers leads to Eddie Izzard’s Wolfe finally getting something to do besides be chained and naked. It’ll be interesting to see where things go from here, but I wouldn’t blame anyone who decided to tune out after the first episode. Those who do stick with it weekly may find the show to get better, but for now, this superhero show needs some extra training.
The 100 Season 2, Episode 16 – “Blood Must Have Blood, Part Two” Air Date: March 11, 2015
After spending a season expanding the mythology of post-apocalyptic Earth, The 100 season finale brought focus back to the core members of the 100 who desperately sought to bring their friends home from Mount Weather. With Lexa’s truce with Mount Weather and subsequent retreat, Octavia, Bellamy and Clarke are each left helpless as their plans fail around them and more Sky People are kidnapped and harvested for bone marrow.
Ultimately, the irradiation of Mount Weather is their ultimate salvation, though it comes at a heavy price. Clarke is given a similar choice to both Lexa and Dante Wallace in the last episode – Us vs Them. Clarke does as a leader must and weighs the lives of every man, woman, and child in Mount Weather. The lives of the Mountain Men are weighed against the lives of her friends and Clarke chooses her own.
It is easy to accept that the point of view given through our protagonists is right and just, but it is through moments like this that The 100 writer’s force us to acknowledge our own bias. Our heroes have no less blood on their hands and the audience is consistently put in the uncomfortable situation of realizing that we are victim of a biased narrative. Had the story been told from the point of view of either the Grounders or the Mountain Men, Clarke would be the monster of this tale.
That being said, the fall of Mount Weather was easily predictable. With a rapidly shortening timeline and the clear weakness of the Mountain Men, the episode was less how Bellamy, Octavia and Clarke would save their friends and more of the moral struggle behind it. Like with Finn’s death and the bombing of TonDC, they fight to find a better solution, but ultimately they cannot. The massacre at Mount Weather is inevitable.
The event was given the gravity and respect it deserved. It would have been gratuitous and heavy handed to show us the children Bellamy so wanted to save, but director Dean White achieves the same poignancy with a lingering shot of a soccer ball last seen in the hand of those very kids. In another emotional beat, Clarke surveys the destruction at the entrance to the dining hall where she stood during the premiere to get her first glimpse of the laughing population of Mount Weather.
These small callbacks add another layer to the narrative. There’s something almost cyclical about these exchanges. Something that speaks to the wheel of humanity that brings clash after clash after clash. “You did good,” Kane assures Bellamy as they unchain the captive Sky People. They are the same words Clarke told him at the end of last season, as he tallied the dead buried at the drop ship. Now his people are even further depleted and the absolution is still given. “I can’t believe we survived a hundred years just so we could slaughter each other,” Clarke said back in season one. And yet here we are.
There are few writers that can pull off such complex characters week after week, but The 100 has some of the best in the business. There is a commitment to character that is rarely seen and it is especially apparent in an episode like this finale where quick emotional beats make up much of the interactions. Moments such as Raven’s resistance to being drilled and Octavia taking down two guards in a hallway showcase their character’s growth. Even Miller, who has gotten a lamentable amount of screen time this season, is afforded an emotional reunion with his father – consistent with the arc they were on. One of the most powerful beats is a nod of solidarity at Clarke and Maya’s reunion. They were at cross-purposes the last time they saw each other and the writer’s don’t forget that. Allowing their characters to act and react as real people adds a dimension of reality to the emotion of The 100 and rewards the investment to their audience.
What is interesting is Bellamy and Clarke’s different reactions upon reaching Camp Jaha. While a burden seems lifted from Bellamy’s shoulders, even lightly commiserating that they need a drink, Clarke refuses to even look at the people she sacrificed so much to save. This moment speaks to the fundamental differences in their character. While Clarke has always been the better leader, Bellamy was initially swayed to her side by mutual interest in protecting the 100. Clarke thinks big picture while Bellamy is loyal to a fault to the people he feels he is responsible for. It is an interesting shift in their dynamic as, despite their current support of one another. I’m sure this difference will be raised along with the ghost of TonDC in season three. It is easy to think of Bellamy and Clarke as the leadership unit of the 100, but this season has really propelled Clarke to the forefront of that duo, proving that she has the natural strength and fortitude to be the true leader of the collective Sky People. Yet, though she is the leader everyone at Camp Jaha may deserve, she is not the one they need right now, and so she leaves them in Bellamy’s more primitive style of guidance.
What makes Clarke such an interesting lead is the juxtaposition of her fierce capability and her inexperience and self-doubt. Eliza Taylor has an ability to play this nuance beautifully, and her range has never been more on display than in this episode. She fluctuates between the ruthless war leader she has become, unflinchingly killing Dante Wallace to prove a point, and the child justifying herself to her mother. Even as she stiffens her voice and hardens her heart, it is Taylor’s deft handling of Clarke’s innate vulnerable heart that brings so much gravity to the exploration of child soldiers and morality of war The 100 plays with. The battles and sacrifice on The 100 are not gratuitous but stark survival. If Clarke was the Ark Princess come to ground in the first season, this season she has become a queen and heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Finally, in the last scenes of the season, we see the fruit of Jaha and Murphy’s labors. Murphy ends up in the lighthouse luxury pad of a dead programmer who created an A.I. that nuked the world. Jaha finds said A.I., A.L.I.E., who happens to have a nuke. Their storyline has felt more and more disconnected but luckily it was sparse enough in this episode that it didn’t feel like a let down during the immediacy of Mount Weather. Since there are no callbacks to incidences throughout the season we can attribute to this A.I. reveal, it doesn’t have the same impact as the white room in season one. Though it set up the next season, it came across as a Marvel end of credits scene rather than a season ender. It would have been more powerful to end the season on the shot of Clarke walking away from Camp Jaha. Nevertheless, we know what our Sky People will be grappling with next season, potentially sans Clarke, and I’ll bet it won’t be pretty.
Man Seeking Woman | Woman Seeking Man Season 1, Episode 9 – “Teacup” Air Date: March 11, 2015 Grade: B+
The episodes starts in a usual place, Mike and Josh sitting on a couch while Josh is having a mini panic attack about this new girl Danielle. Josh, looking for advice, calls his put-together sister Liz, but after a quick cut, we realize that Liz is going through a breakup of her own, with longtime boyfriend Leo. What happens next is a nice departure from the usual, which is a female centric episode, even with the slightly altered title sequence. Liz has always been the stable and sensible child in the family, so seeing her out of whack is interesting. This is probably because between my sister and me, she has always been the one with her life put together, so the parallels in that regard are a little unsettling.
Liz’s post breakup tour takes her to a friend’s daughter’s birthday where the little princesses are having a tea party. Of course, Liz’s friend is checking up on her to make sure she’s okay following the break, and Liz points out that she’s on track to make partner very soon (it’s right around the corner). As someone who’s worked with kids a lot, I can say that their frank appraisal of your life is just a wee bit terrifying. It’s the combination of them being very observant, buying into what is commonly accepted as ‘normal’, and having no filter that makes their criticisms of how you’ve lived your life unintentionally skewering and hurtful.
Of course, Liz finds out that three of the four girls are ‘married’ and the birthday girl considers herself a spinster at ripe old age of seven, because, as you know, the third grade is just a wasteland. Liz’s natural reaction is to dismiss the girls as children who know nothing about the world, but the shade thrown by one girl’s cold calculating arithmetic is enough to send Liz into a bit of a downward spiral, which culminates in the birthday girl allowing Liz to blow out her candles, saying that she could use the wish. I’d love to tell you the tallying of the years didn’t get to me at all, but that’d be a lie. At least men age better, right? Right? RIGHT?!
After that harrowing experience, we’re sent to Liz’s office where she’s working at her desk into the night as two hot co-workers creep out to hit the latest hot spot. Liz wrangles herself an invite after looking at her depressingly empty personal schedule, and of course goes through the typical “get super hot” montage. I understand that this is a very real thing, and I know the difference that makeup can have on a girl, but for the life of me, it still seems like magic. Men have no comparable equivalent. There is no short amount of time doing something that can make women turn heads to look at me. Of course, at the club, Liz turns away suitor after suitor because of nitpicky excuses, something that I empathize with immediately, because I mean, paleo diets, what the hell. This of course leads Liz to embark on a Frankenstein like quest to create the perfect man (Steve Job’s brain, Nelson Mandela’s heart, Jimi Hendrix’s fingers, Patrick Swayze’s sun kissed skin, and of course, the neighborhood proximity of the guy in her building who died last year). Of course, she should probably have included Matthew McConaughey’s heterosexuality, because her ideal man-monster turns out to be super gay. Just that close.
Liz, seeming both out of options and time, decides to let her mother set her up. This of course leads to a date with a robot, literally. Fresh out of fucks to give, Liz uses her wine glass as her weapon and her inebriation as a shield and weathers the storm of inane conversation that comes her way. What catches her off guard though, is the minute the robot reminiscences about their past, and just like that, the date starts to change. All it takes is one moment of real connection, and everything starts to fall into place. Compliments that once seemed routine become personal, and one thing leads to another, thus initiating the robot’s sex sequence, which is painfully short and awkward, and serves to boost the ego of men everywhere. Of course, because all males are just after the one thing (robots, included apparently), our iron minute man makes a break for it, ignoring man-made barriers.
The episode of course, is bookended by Josh coming to his sister in person to ask for advice about the girl that he wants to sleep with. He walks through the huge hole in her bedroom to sit on her bed and ask about whether he should text or call. He finally notices that Liz is crying, and does the brotherly thing. He takes a few seconds to reassure her, tell her what he knows to be true, and then he treats her like normal. That’s what we all want after a breakup, normalcy. We don’t want people to walk on eggshells around us, we just want to get back to where we were. Josh may be dysfunctional in his love-life, but he knows his sister and what she’s worth as a person, something Liz needed to be reminded of dearly in this episode.
This was definitely a nice change of pace for the show, and it absolutely fleshed out the sibling relationship between Josh and Liz. Man Seeking Woman started by introducing us to this wacky and surreal world Josh’s romantic life, but as the season has gone on, it’s painted us a more complete picture of the important people in his life and who he is outside of his love-life. Most importantly, it’s made us care about him and people that he loves. This is why I’m invested in this show, because while the plots can go all over the place, the characters and relationships are very much grounded in reality.
Naughty Dog has announced that the fourth and final chapter in the Uncharted series will no longer make the Holiday 2015 window as many had expected. Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End, starring protagonist Nathan Drake, has been pushed back to Spring 2016.
Project directors Bruce Straley and Neil Druckmann put out the following statement:
Since we showed you our first gameplay reveal of Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End, more of the game and story have come together, and it’s become clear to us that this game is much more ambitious than we originally envisioned.
After spending so many years with Nathan Drake, he means a lot to the team, and telling the climactic chapter of his adventures is a task we don’t take lightly – this game deserves every bit of the attention to detail, precise pacing, and nuanced storytelling Naughty Dog is known for.
So we’ve made the difficult choice of pushing the game’s release date. Giving us a few extra months will make certain that Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End not only meets the team’s high standards but the high standards that gamers have come to expect from a Naughty Dog title.
Thank you for your patience – we know the extra wait will be excruciating, but you’ll see it will be worth it as we reveal more about Uncharted 4 over the next year. The team at Naughty Dog will be heads down working through 2015 making sure that Nathan Drake’s story gets the closure it deserves. Come Spring 2016, you and Nate are in for one thrilling, emotional ride.
Behold, the return of Lady Sif! I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been looking forward to Jaimie Alexander’s guest arc, especially since it was promised she would be a little different this time around: not quite Warrior!Lady Sif, but rather, Confused!Lady Sif, who makes her presence known early on by assaulting a few random beach-goers in Portugal. She’s apparently looking for “Kava.” Who is Kava? No one knows. And who is this woman who has randomly wandered onto the beach? Turns out that’s not known, either.
Anyway, the episode really begins with May and Skye sparring — always a good place to start a story (in my opinion). May demonstrates some sweet Widow moves (and no, I will never get sick of picking those up, however random) and tells Skye she needs to embrace her emotions. Skye, still unsure of how to control her new powers, seems to be holding back, and May isn’t having it. To be fair, May’s doing what any good S.O. would do — pushing her student to be a smarter, more competent fighter. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know what Skye is dealing with, which makes their whole session a bit strained.
In the Bobbi and Hunter world, there’s sex. There’s a lot of sex. I’m thinking it feels pretty damn good to be Hunter and Bobbi. He tells her that Coulson offered him a permanent position with the team, and that he’s considering taking it. Bobbi seems surprised because you know, responsibility and all, but Hunter points out that their relationship was always strained by the fact that SHIELD came between them. Maybe this will help them work together better (in more ways than one, though I don’t think they need any help when it comes to the bedroom). Meanwhile, Coulson and Mack are semi-making up for last week’s fight. Coulson wants Mack in the field, despite the fact Mack doesn’t really want to participate in violence. They’re interrupted by a call from May, alerting them to what happened in Portugal. All hands on deck — we’ve got an Asgardian on the loose!
Turns out that Sif has willingly turned herself over to authorities, which at least makes things easier. Coulson and May start to question her, finding out that at least she remembers Asgard, but she has no idea who she is. She has no idea who anyone else is, either, which makes for some amusing moments, including a fun Easter Egg when Coulson introduces himself as “Son of Coul,” Thor’s resident nickname for him. May comes to their rescue with a video that Skye found (twitter is so helpful) that shows Sif fighting — and being bested by — a mysterious man on a pier.
The unnamed man (Eddie McClintock, of Warehouse 13 fame), who is carrying what looks like a small hammer, attacks another random woman and seemingly takes her memory away while changing into a blue Kree color. As Coulson prepares to hunt the man down, Simmons calls and tells them she’s made their weapons more dangerous, something which Fitz is unnerved by thanks to Simmons’ reactions to Raina last week.
While Coulson and May bring Sif back to the pier to try to jog her memories (and no, even mentioning Thor doesn’t work, though it does give May a nice moment to gush) Bobbi and Skye go question the locals. Hunter, Mack and Fitz find a tissue sample that turns out to be liquid nitrogen, and Coulson and May find a peddler on the beach who tells him that his balloons are stolen. Smart Simmons quickly puts the pieces together: the man stole the helium tank valves to help store the liquid nitrogen, and Bobbi and Skye find him while he’s literally re-charging (and also, literally the color blue.) Bobbi puts up a damn good fight, and do I mean a damn good fight, but the man gets the best of her, and in a moment of bad timing, Skye starts to lose it. The whole place starts to shake as her emotions become uncontrollable, and the man flees.
The team determines that the man is a Kree based on his blue skin, and Sif remembers that “kava” is a word for “key,” not a name. May finds a city named Chavez in Portugal, which Sif recognizes means “key,” and remembers that’s where the Kree was headed. Coulson backs that up by remembering Whitehall’s notes, and off our heroes go, with Skye choosing to stay behind, feigning injuries from their earlier attack. She’s waffling on whether or not to spill the beans on her powers after what happened with Bobbi, but Fitz encourages her to wait, mostly out of fear of how the others will react. It’s clear that May doesn’t believe her excuses, but she lets her off the hook anyway, with a look that could probably kill. Meanwhile, Bobbi and Hunter are having their own private pow-wow of secrets again. Bobbi tells Mack that Hunter is planning on staying, and wants to tell him about their secret. Mack is absolutely not on board with this, and he wants Hunter gone in case he sides with Coulson instead of them when it gets revealed. This whole secrets thing gets curiouser and curiouser — my primary theory is still that they’re doing work for Fury that possibly relates to the Avengers and will tie in to some Ultron events, but at this point, it could be anything. Mack suggests that the best thing she can do is push Hunter away so that if things do work out, they have a chance at happiness. Bobbi is uncomfortable with this idea, as she’s just starting to mend their relationship, plus she doesn’t think Hunter is as terrible as Mack says he is. Something tells me Bobbi’s going to lose this war.
Coulson’s team finds the Kree easily as he’s trying to secure a crate, and Sif and Coulson interrogate him. He claims he can bring Sif’s memories back with his magical baton, aka the truncheon, which Bobbi has taken to examine. She’s interrupted by Hunter, who tries to flirt and talk with her, but Bobbi pushes him away and picks a fight, much to Hunter’s annoyance. I will go down with this ship, which is something I probably would not have said earlier this season, so kudos to Adrianne Palicki and Nick Blood for having the best chemistry in the world.
The Kree says the truncheon only works for him, and to prove it, he stabs Sif — thus giving the warrior her memories back. She soon remembers that she was sent to Midgard by Odin (or, uh…LOKI?) when Heimdall saw that a Kree had landed here. She then tells him about terrigenesis, where individuals on a bunch of planets were transformed to be used as soldiers in the Kree’s war. The crusade built a city and left the diviners, and according to the Kree man, there are enough diviners to create an army. They’re supposed to be in the crate, but fortunately for our heroes, they’re not, and it’s assumed they must have all been taken in the 1940’s — possibly by Hydra. To be frank, this whole segment was a heck of a lot of info dump in a confusing way, but at least it gave us more information about the diviners.
Simmons finds Skye’s DNA in the lab by accident and Fitz manages to pass it off as a simulation. But Skye begins to freak out when the Kree talks about Raina and how change might not appear outright. May soon realizes that Skye’s the one causing the apparent earthquake, and Skye owns up to her powers, wrecking havoc when Sif tries to attack her. It’s actually a really fun and interesting way to (accidentally) have Skye reveal her powers, and I’m really glad that the show got that out into the open so quickly, rather than dragging it out another few episodes. We already know Skye can’t control them.
Sif doesn’t want to hurt Skye, though, not really — she recognizes that Skye didn’t choose to be like this, but she wants Skye to come to Asgard so she’s away from Earth, where she can cause potential danger. May and Coulson refuse this offer, and May helps Skye run while the place continues to go haywire. Fitz runs after them, which causes Simmons to realize that he had been lying to her. As the Kree pursues Skye, he runs into Mack and Bobbi and Hunter and Mack asks Bobbi if they should call “back-up,” before him and Hunter start fighting. As per usual, the Kree bests them easily, but Bobbi takes him on for the second time — this time with her trusty and deadly batons — and manages to distract him enough so that Hunter can shoot him with an alien gun. Bobbi then turns the truncheon on him, which subdues him. Again, can I just say Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has been firing on all cylinders this season? From the fights to the stories…this is a damn good show.
May and Skye seal themselves into Ward’s old holding cell while May tries to get Skye to calm down, telling her they can stop it. Skye’s too scared, though, and Sif’s still after her, and in an effort to save everyone from herself, she shoots herself with Simmons’ I.C.E.R. just as Sif breaks through the room’s barrier. The sight is enough to make Sif stand down, as Coulson argues that she’s trying to protect herself — she doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
Coulson and May bring Sif and the now-subdued Kree to a clearing where they can use the Bifrost to get home, and Sif warns Coulson that Skye may be involved in something she can’t alter — even as much as she wants to. May reluctantly agrees Sif might be right, reminding Coulson of how he returned from the dead with alien DNA of a city, and what that did to him. Back at the Bus, tensions are running high. Simmons is upset Fitz lied to her, but so are Mack, Bobbi and Hunter. They all believe they should’ve been told about Skye as she’s a legitimate danger, while Simmons insists that despite how she was talking about Raina, she would never hurt her own friend. The yelling gets out of control and Skye hears it all — and she flees, clearly feeling terrified and alone. Poor Skye. I just really want someone to give her a hug.
Oh, but the drama doesn’t end there! Hunter wants to know what secrets Mack is keeping, as he overhead him talk to Bobbi about “back-up” during the fight. He knows about the flash drive — and that there’s no support group — so what the hell is up? Yeah, Mack’s not going to answer that. He attacks Hunter, who passes out, and I’m just waiting to see how Bobbi reacts to this. Something tells me she’s not going to be happy with her friend, even if he thought he was probably trying to protect her.
Next week: Cal’s Index of villains! And some serious Marvel Easter Eggs are going to be dropped…are you ready?
I laughed my ass off at this week’s installment of BoD RAW, written, of course, by the great Brian Bayless. He wrote my character a nice, juicy Heyman-esque spot where I tell everybody why Everything Sucks™.
That should, honestly, be the new name for the recap.
But, I digress…
Last week, I got a lot of flack for shitting on a product that, apparently, really touched the hearts of several readers. Re-reading what I wrote, I guess I was pretty cruel and the show was, really, some of the best TV WWE has ever put forward.
Boy, was I wrong about things.
So, I’m totally gonna not shit on the show tonight. I’m gonna be POSITIVE!
So, come at me, bro. Give me your WORST!
We start with a recap of PSEDUOHEELRANDYORTON and the match between Reigns and like six guys.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for WWE RAW!!!
Harlem Heat, MIGGAL and JBL are the guys at the desk.
Orton heads out to the ring to do business with the Authority who applauds him inside the ring.
TONIGHT: a 2-on-1 Handicap Match will see Orton and Rollins facing Roman Reigns.
Kane wanted to make a public announcement to show that everyone that Randy Orton is part of The Authority. Kane and Orton shake hands. Big Show has the mic and says that he sees the most talented, sadistic and aggressive athlete he’s even seen. Jamie Noble isn’t convinced and nearly pisses his pants, yelling that Orton can’t be trusted. Rollins is ALSO THANKFUL ORTON IS BACK. Joey Mercury also gives a thumbs up. Rollins says that, even still, there’s an elephant in the room: Orton isn’t part of The Authority no matter what they say. Heels are already telegraphing to ending. That’s not bad at all. That’s awesome. He says that him and Orton are both proud members of The Authority. The crowd chants “RKO”. He says that everyone is stressed out. And nobody needs to be. He welcomes Orton home and shakes his hand. Rollins introduces Randy Orton, who gets a pop, despite the fact that he’s been introduced as part of The Authority.
Orton says that he’s touched but it left him thinking something: what the hell happened to The Authority? They shouldn’t be kissing somebody’s ass. He says that Kane was the Devil’s Favorite Demon. He’s gone from kickin’ ass and takin’ names to kissin’ ass and makin’ coffee. Show laughs and Orton tells Show that all Show does is mope and feel sorry for himself. Orton gets to Noble and asks if his hostility stems from not being able to ride anything at Disneyland due to his height. He gets to Mercury — then skips him and goes straight to Rollins. He says that he WILL strike Rollins. And he will make it count. Rollins will feel every bit of it. Everyone’s looking nasty…but Orton bursts into laughter and says he was joking the entire time. Rollins laughs and settles things down. Big Show shakes hands with Orton — but Kane is scowling in the background.
Rollins says that they’re gonna derail Reigns because that’s what’s BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
Cole and JBL and Booker are amused! It’s funny when it’s fun!
TONIGHT: Wiz Khalifa is here tonight as Cole pumps him up by declaring him “PLATINUM RECORDING ARTIST WIZ KHALIFA”.
ALSO: Lesnar’s here.
The IC Title Ladder Match will have six people. The final spot is STILL somehow open, as if Creative is waiting for the last possible second to let the fans down by including Daniel Bryan.
Apparently, Daniel Bryan had his hands on the IC Title on Smackdown in a recap brought to you by Swiffer Wet Jet. The tiny commercial in the bottom right-hand corner is more exciting than this. That’s leading to our first match.
Also, R-Truth’s at ringside, so you know this match will end clean.
MATCH #1: Daniel Byran vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett (non-title) Cole, Truth and JBL talk about potato farming, which is relevant to what’s going on in the ring. Bryan has the initial advantage, but goes for the dropkick in the corner. Barrett nails him with a clothesline and kicks him out of the ring and we’re going to break. When we come back, JBL is talking to Truth and adding “izzle” to every last word he says. Bryan manages to break a hold by Barrett and get a Crucifix pin for two. Running knee ends it at 7:06 as Barrett loses his 4th match in one month. But, that’s cool. None of that is awful. WINNER: Daniel Bryan via Flying Knee.
RATING: A commercial break in the middle of a 7 minute match. Maybe 1/2 a *.
Post-match, Barrett hits the Bullhammer on Bryan and leaves. He leaves the ring and here comes Dean Ambrose. He hits a forearm on Barrett and heads to the ring. At least the IC Title didn’t change hands 8 times in 4 seconds.
R-Truth stays at ringside.
MATCH #2: Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust Crowd chants for Cody (who came in with the IC Title) as Truth keeps talking about potatoes. Ambrose hits a sitting dropkick on Star against the ropes, then tosses Star outside and into the announce table. Ambrose retrieves him and the two go back into the ring. Ambrose hurts his knee and, guess what? Break time. When we come back, it’s a half crab by Star. Part of me is impressed that Truth isn’t mentioning how well potatoes go with crab. Ambrose breaks, then hits a Bulldog. Ambrose goes for a clothesline and it’s a series of counters that ends in the Rebound Clothesline. Dirty Deeds by Ambrose finishes this at 7:28. WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: DUD. It’s the same match with interchangeable guys.
Post-match, Ambrose grabs the IC title. And here come all the guys vying for the title. With all them beating one another up, Truth steals the IC Title as JBL whines about it, ad nauseum. Everyone hits a finisher which ends up with Barrett standing tall. He looks for the title and goes to Truth for it. Truth gives him the potato sack with the belt in it. Barrett retreats into the crowd and celebrates while Truth runs up the aisle. Barrett pulls out the IC Title — but it’s the toy version. Truth has the real one.Shyamalan would be proud.
Michael Cole pushes the next WWE Hall of Fame inductee under the category of the Warrior Award: Connor Michalek.
STILL TO COME: Brock Lesnar addresses his “future”.
When we come back, Paul Heyman’s in the ring to put over both guys in the Championship match at WrestleMania. We get a sizzle reel where Reigns talks about honing tools and “believing in opinions”, which you don’t actually believe in since they exist already.
Heyman isn’t impressed and introduces Brock Lesnar. He says he gets that the fans loved the video but it was nothing but propaganda. He says the truth is that, when Roman Reigns was nine years old, his father used to take Roman and his cousins, and they would point out the football players in a bar. They’d have to beat them all up or else they weren’t allowed to come home. I’m pretty sure we won’t find the arrest records on Google, so let’s move on. He says that Reigns can’t beat Lesnar. The crowd agrees.
He says that nobody will screw Lesnar out of the title. Not Rollins, not the McMahons, not anyone. If they do, Lesnar will pretty much commit murder and kill anyone involved. He says that, after Lesnar wins, they’ll say that Reigns took a beating like nobody else has seen. His mic cuts out just like last week. When it comes back on, he tells whoever it is cutting out his mic to come get Lesnar and take the title.
Heyman gets weird and says that Lesnar may decide to go to Vegas to beat up Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. He says that the title belongs to Lesnar — and he’s not giving it back. He says that Lesnar has done it all. He even beat up the Undertaker badly, ending The Streak to the point where Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him.
Meanwhile, Reigns never shows up and we go to break after the Handicap Match teaser.
Bray Time: WrestleMania is almost here. He has Undertaker’s urn and wants to know where he is. He asks ‘Taker to find him.
MATCH #3: Kane & Big Show vs. Erick Rowan & Ryback The fans are so excited, they stand there, blinking. Ryback starts with Kane. Ryback runs him over and then hits shoulders in the corner. Press by Ryback followed by a Warrior Splash and Spinebuster. He goes for the Meathook but Kane kicks his head off his shoulders. Tag to Big Show who spears Ryback hard and then stomps at him. He slaps Ryback’s chest a couple times and tags in Kane. Big Boot to Ryback and some stomps. Ryback finally gets away and tags Rowan. He splashes Kane in the corner as the crowd goes…to the grab a beer. Kane counters a move and chokes Rowan on the ropes. With the ref’s back turned, Show accidentally decks Kane instead of Rowan. Rowan gets the pin at 3:26. WINNERS: Ryback & Rowan
RATING: DUD.
Ryback and Rowan look like deer in headlights, then leave. Show gets into the ring and apologizes. Kane says that they had the match in control. Steph interrupts. She says the represent The Authority and WWE and stuff. She says Randy Orton may have been right: Show and Kane are probably useless. She wants her monsters back. She orders them out of the ring. Steph tells them to pack up and leave the arena. The two men argue with her but Steph ain’t havin’ it and they walk backstage, hanging their heads.
Because EVERYTHING MUST BE RECAPPED, we get a recap of the Miz/Niagra ad.
Miz is backstage. He talks to Wiz Khalifa working on an album together. Wiz isn’t so impressed and tells Miz that he signed “Damien Wiz-dow”. So, that’s the end of the Miz-dow feud, right? Miz-dow declares that he’s in the Andre match. Remember when Miz-dow was the arrogant, sophisticated heel who hated crap like this?
Sheamus is returning. Really. They swear he is.
Time to watch Wiz Khalifa rap, my television says. Nu-uh, says my DVR remote.
LAST MONDAY ON RAW: Paige was gonna win the Divas Championship, but lost for some reason. Then AJ showed up again to resurrect a dead horse of an angle that died a few months ago.
Anyhow, they’re next.
We get a clip of the Bellas in the new WWE Flintstones flick, which cuts away. No, come on. Bring that back. That’s infinitely more interesting than what I’m watching.
The Bellas are gonna knock Paige and AJ “into the stone age” at WrestleMania. Yabba…dabba…do. Ha.
MATCH #4: AJ Lee (w/ Paige) vs. Summer Rae (w/ Eva Marie) Eva’s boob must be feeling much better for her to be out here doing valet work. Summer barely walks through her move set as JBL is more concerned about “Yabba Dabba Doo” trending. AJ hits a quick DDT and gets two. Summer tries a slam and ends up hitting a roundhouse kick for two. AJ comes back and hits the Black Widow for the win at 3:07. WINNER: AJ Lee via Black Widow
RATING: DUD.
NEXT: We hear Sting TALK. Holy shit, my heart…
When we come back, Sting is wearing a voice modulator that makes him sound like Nailz doing phone sex and he talks about taking Triple H down — something he’s waited 14 years to do, which is why he spent all that time in TNA, wrestling a drunk Jeff Hardy and pretending to be the Joker.
NEXT: Somebody jobs to Rusev.
Cena bumps into Rusev backstage. He says Rusev should be a hero. He has the “right to free speech” but Cena has the “right to shut his mouth”. Huh?!
Apparently, Curtis Axel is gonna wrestle Rusev because he can imitate Hulk Hogan.
MATCH #5: Rusev vs. Curtis Axel Beating. Superkick. Accolade. Done at 0:25. WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: DUD.
Rusev gets a mic. He says Cena lives in the past. Lana tells him that they should leave. He says if America had a soul, he’d spit on it.
Out comes Cena and it’s a brawl. Cena knocks him down and hits the STF until Rusev is knocked unconscious. WWE Security and some refs arrive and Cena goes outside to get a water bottle. He pours water on Rusev to wake him, then locks in the STF as Rusev taps over and over. Lana pleads for Cena to let him go. Cena holds the move until Lana gives him the match he wants. Cena grins in the most evil manner I’ve ever seen, which just spoils any heat Cena was supposed to have obtained.
Bray Time: Bray be like “I want to fight, being dead don’t phase me…I’ve got your urn, so find me, maybe…”
Backstage, Rusev is getting checked out. Lana shows up. They loudly yell at each other in Russian.
MATCH #6: The New Day (Big E & Xavier Woods) (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya) (non-title) Oh, yeah…The New Day still exists. Xavier hits a Hurricarana on Tyson. Big E tags in and tosses Xavier into Tyson in the corner. He hits multiple backbreakers and it’s another tag to Woods. Two count. Tyson comes back with an elbow and the heels nail some nice double team moves, swarming Woods from all sides. Cesaro hits a huge uppercut and tags Tyson who stomps Woods and works on his knee. Tyson locks Woods’ leg. Tag to Cesaro, who comes in and stomps on Woods, then locks in a half crab. Woods kicks out of it and Cesaro tags Kidd. Nattie distracts…somebody, I guess. Tyson tells her to back off. Cesaro pulls Nattie off the mat. Woods wraps up Kidd and drops Kidd’s head on the mat for the win at 3:45. WINNERS: The New Day
RATING: 1/2 a *. I don’t think we’re going higher than this all night, folks.
Post-match, Cesaro berates Nattie and the Usos and Naomi show up.
We go to break.
MATCH #7: Natalya (w/ Cesaro & Tyson Kidd) vs. Naomi (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso) What’s better than a shitty tag match? A Divas match that arbitrarily stacks on top of it like fucking Jenga! Nattie drops Naomi to the mat but Naomi counters and there’s a bunch of pretty coolroll up pins. Nattie finally puts Naomi to the mat and hits a dropkick to Naomi’s face. Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter but Naomi counters and sends Nattie into the buckle. Outside, it’s a brawl between the Usos and Cesaro. Back in the ring, Naomi hits the Rear View for the win at 1:45. WINNER: Naomi via Rear View
RATING: DUD.
Post-match, Nattie grabs Tyson’s tag belt and tells Kidd that it belongs to her. Then Los Matadores just fucking show up because why the hell not?
MATCH #8: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (w/ Naomi) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) Usos and Matadors shake hands. Jey starts with one of the Matadors and we’re going to break. When we come back, nothing at all has changed. I’m pretty sure the same two guys are in the ring as Cole tells us “the big news tonight” is that the New Day beat Cesaro and Kidd. JBL: “THAT is the ‘big news tonight’? Did you not see John Cena making Rusev tap and get his match at WrestleMania?!” Meanwhile, the Matadores fly all over the ring. Jey and a Matador fly into one another. Tag to Jimmy who hits a Crossbody for two. He goes for another move but gets DDT’ed. Two count. The Matador goes off the second buckle but gets Superkicked. Two count. Flying Uso by Jey to the outside. Jimmy hits Diego with a Samoan Drop. El Torito gets involved and distracts Jimmy and a Yet Another Distraction Roll Up Pin wins it for the Matadores at 8:04. WINNERS: Los Matadores
RATING: **. The match of the night. Yes. It is.
Cole recaps the beginning stuff with Orton.
Rollins is backstage with his case. Noble and Mercury warn Rollins about Orton. Rollins tells them that he trusts Orton and that he wouldn’t just tell everyone his plan.
NEXT: Bray Wyatt is here.
When we come back, Bray’s in the ring, doing one of his goofy apocalyptic rants. The buzzards guide him. Below them is a shell of a man. It’s the mighty Undertaker. He won’t worship ‘Taker or do anything with ‘Taker except walk over his bones. He’s the new face of fear. He says that WrestleMania 31 will be the Undertaker’s final resting place as well as his requiem. He calls out The Undertaker. He asks if the urn brings back the dead. He opens the urn, pretends to be scared, then laughs his ass off. He says the urn is empty…then the urn smokes and we hear thunder and see lightning. Bray yells to “bring it”. The bell tolls and the arena goes dark. When the lights come back, we see Bray’s rocking chair in the ring. On the Jumbotron, the words “THE MAN COMES AROUND” (in reference to the Johnny Cash song cover) appear. Lightning strikes it and the chair burns. Bray thinks this is hilarious, which kills this feud dead in a matter of seconds. Crowd is dead when they realize ‘Taker isn’t really here.
MOMENTS AGO: Bray called out The Undertaker and The Undertaker’s voice from WWE ’12 answered him.
ALSO NOT REALLY MOMENTS AGO: Cena beat up Rusev and got his match.
ALSO ALSO NOT REALLY A FEW MOMENTS AGO: BROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNAR…and he will beat Roman Reigns.
Surprisingly, they don’t show the “big news of the night”, which was The New Day, knocking off Cesaro and Kidd.
MATCH #9: Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton & Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) in a 2-on-1 Handicap Match Rollins convinces Orton that he should go first. Orton agrees and Reigns knocks the taste out of his mouth. Rollins sends him outside. Rollins goes after him but the ref holds him back because that’s what refs do. J&J go after Reigns but the refs back him off. Rollins finally goes outside but Reigns uppercuts him and we go back in the ring. Rollins takes him down for two. J&J start barking at Orton to help Rollins. Orton knocks Noble down. Rollins orders the two of them backstage. Reigns takes over and hits a clothesline. He tosses Rollins into the corner but misses the clothesline. Reigns regains control and Rollins goes to tag Orton — who moves his hand. He tries again but Orton puts two middle fingers up. Reigns hits a Spear and wins at 4:08. WINNER: Roman Reigns at 4:08
RATING: 1/4 of a *, if that.
Post-match, Orton just glares at Rollins, then enters the ring at the pace of drying paint. He lifts Rollins up and slaps at him, then sends Rollins outside. Orton lifts him up and hits a running clothesline. He sends Rollins into the crowd barricade, then into the steel stairs. He asks Rollins if he’s stupid enough to believe that Orton would join The Authority again and hits an uppercut. Orton grabs a chair and sloooooowly stalks Rollins. He cracks Rollins across the back with the chair, then slowly continues to stalk him again, hitting chair shots every few seconds. He tells fans to “take a picture” and they whip out their cameras. They get back to the barricades where Orton hits the Vintage Orton DDT.
Orton picks Rollins up and just tosses him across the announce table like a fucking javelin. Orton strips the table and sets up for an RKO into the table and hits it beautifully. He yells into Rollins’ ear that he’s not letting it go.
Finally, we go off the air.
OVERALL: *. Boring as fuck with a pretty kick ass ending. Too little, too late.
And, of course, before we go…the best of internet water cooler…
Marvel has released a second trailer for their Netflix series, Daredevil, starring Charlie Cox as Matt Murdock, but the new footage gives us our first good look at Wilson Fisk, aka Kingpin, played by Vincent D’Onofrio.
With one month left before the entire first season drops on the streaming service, the second trailer pulls back the curtain revealing Marvel’s grittiest take on superheroes yet.
The trailer highlights Fisk’s reasoning behind wanting to clean up the city, as conflicting as his reasoning may be. “When I was a kid, I used to dream what it would be like to live somewhere far away from Hell’s Kitchen. But I realized the city was a part of me. It was in my blood and I would do anything to make it a better place.” I’m guessing anything includes lots of violence.
In “Marvel’s Daredevil,” Matt Murdock (Charlie Cox) fights for justice in the courtroom with the help of his law partner Foggy Nelson (Elden Henson). At night, Murdock watches over the streets of Hell’s Kitchen, New York as the masked vigilante Daredevil to dispense a more physical brand of justice! Wilson Fisk (Vincent D’Onofrio) also has plans for Hell’s Kitchen, but prefers more malicious methods.
The series stars Charlie Cox (Matt Murdock / Daredevil), Vincent D’Onofrio (Wilson Fisk), Rosario Dawson (Claire Temple), Deborah Ann Woll (Karen Page), Elden Henson (Foggy Nelson), Vondie Curtis Hall (Ben Ulrich), Scott Glenn (Stick), Ayelet Zurer (Vanessa Marianna), Bob Gunton (Leland Owlsey), and Toby Leonard Moore (Wesley).
Marvel’s Daredevil is the first of four Netflix series. Marvel’s A.K.A. Jessica Jones, Marvel’s Iron Fist, and Marvel’s Luke Cage, will follow Daredevil and culminate in a Marvel’s The Defenders team-up series.
Marvel’s Daredevil will be available on April 10, 2015 at 12:01 AM PT in all territories where Netflix is available. The series will be available to stream in 4K.
My boyfriend’s back and uh…he’s supposed to be dead.
If A&E’s The Returned sounds familiar to you, that’s because it probably is. With the zombie obsession still in full swing, bringing people back from the dead is going to be a common premise for many shows for some time. (Thanks, The Walking Dead.) However, The Returned is a little different from your average zombie flick (and not related to the film of the same name) in that it doesn’t feature dead people hobbling down the street and eating faces. Instead, the dead are back to life as if they had never died, same age and everything. It’s a somber affair that focuses on the human aspect of bringing people back to life, instead of the harrowing excitement of a post-apocalyptic world. And really, that difference helps it succeed.
The Returned isn’t something I would usually seek out. Truth be told, the concept of rising from the dead (be it as real people or zombies) is not my cup of tea. Maybe I see it as less exciting and more terrifying because I can only imagine how horrible it would feel to lose my husband or son, only to find them on my doorstep four years later.
And that’s exactly the chord The Returned hopes to strike in viewers. This isn’t an action show full of shotguns and gore, and politics don’t seem to (yet) factor into the plot. It’s slow (sometimes almost too slow) and takes it time holding our hands through this odd phenomena as the residents of the small town deal with the repercussions.
The first episode, Camille, begins with a school bus crash and then the subsequent group therapy sessions with grieving parents. After four years, it seems that some parents are finally coming to terms with the loss of their children. And then, Camille, one of the students who died in the crash, returns home as if nothing had happened and no time had passed. Other deceased in the town (not just the ones from four years ago) also start coming back to life and try to return to the lives they had before death; and what do you know, chaos and confusion ensue.
THE GOOD
The first episode doesn’t introduce anything of note, and that’s okay for now. It moves along as you would expect, setting up main characters, showing their shock and fear over the returned. It’s a solid hour of television if you’re looking for a drama to fill some time. The characters, for the most part, are entertaining throughout and there wasn’t anything that stuck out to me as horrible, which is pretty good for television drama lately. I’m especially excited for Julie Han (Sandrine Holt) and her odd relationship with the young boy, Victor (Dylan Kingwell). It’s just creepy enough to keep me intrigued.
THE BAD
When Head Honcho Bilal suggested I watch the show, I scoffed. The trailers didn’t appeal to me but Bilal insisted, “It’s like the French original, which was really good!” After many threats, I gave in and watched. And surprisingly, I enjoyed it. Then, curiosity got the better of me so I watched the original, Les Revenants. And…well, Bilal wasn’t kidding. The Returned’s first episode is EXACTLY like the original (which was only released two years ago). And it got me thinking: there was nothing of true value added to the A&E’s show to warrant a remake, other than a language and cast change. The original had more emotion, more of a quiet eeriness that permeated each scene, and maybe that’s because it’s in another language or I’m just super judgmental, but part of me would rather watch Les Revenants on Netflix instead of waiting a week at time for the next episode. (The age of instant gratification, ladies and gentlemen.)
THE STILL LIVING
All that being said, I do recognize that A&E’s remake is the reason I’m even watching the show, so I have to at least grant them that. And with Carlton Cuse (Lost) at the helm, I hold out hope that The Returned is more than just an Americanized copy of the French original. I hope that A&E isn’t mimicking the whole Gracepoint from Broadchurch model because I’m tired of the copycat remakes for the sake of viewership. Somewhere down the line, A&E will have to make a change. I hope they do. In the meantime I will continue to watch the show because in all reality it is a good premise, a good change of pace, and the actors are decent. I’ll continue to give The Returned a chance and if you haven’t seen the original, you should, too.
The Walking Dead Season 5, Episode 13 – “Forget” Air Date – March 8, 2015 Grade: B
The Walking Dead returns to some old territory with a new twist by dropping Rick and his group of hardened survivors into a sheltered community of starry-eyed optimists. They’ve met only horrors and tragedy since the prison, and it’s refreshing to see them interact with a genuine community of humans again, rather than broken people and monsters. “Forget” is already beginning to show hints of some recurring issues that the series has traditionally struggled with in the past: ham-fisted metaphors, lack of character depth, and character relationships. However, what makes the group’s arrival to Alexandria so compelling is the inverted power dynamic–Rick and his group have all the skill and cunning, while the people of Alexandria are naive and vulnerable. Even as they try to assimilate to life in the community, there’s the inescapable question simmering just below the surface: will they be Alexandria’s saviors or conquerors?
“Forget” is one of the busiest episodes this season, as the group settles into life in Alexandria and individual storylines start to unravel . The characters with less complicated subplots seem to fare a little better here: Daryl bonds with Aaron over horses and spaghetti before Aaron finally presents him with a garage full of motorcycle parts and an offer to become Alexandria’s newest recruiter. Sasha, meanwhile, has the hardest time coping and begins eliciting signs of post traumatic stress. The scenes are well shot and feel genuine; they don’t contain much of the artifice that begins to weigh down the rest of the episode.
Rick and Carol aren’t wasting any time infiltrating and ingratiating themselves to the community. Rick is walking tall as the newly appointed constable, while Carol is happy to blend into Alexandria’s blissfully ignorant housewives. The two have a confidence that borders on hubris–there’s no doubt in their minds that they can handle any challenge they might come across in Alexandria. They hatch a plan to sneak guns from the armory during the community’s welcome party for Rick’s group (Daryl, blinded by gifts of spaghettis and motorcycles, notably declines to take one). Rick can’t help himself and kisses Jessie on the cheek at the party, while Carol isn’t as invisible as she thought and is followed by Jessie’s son Sam, who witnesses her stealing from the armory. In what is sure to be a fan favorite scene, she threatens to leave him tied to a tree beyond the walls if he tells anyone what he saw.
Complex character-driven conflicts aren’t The Walking Dead’s strongest suit, and we see some of the same problems creeping up again here. With the season finale a few short episodes away, the show isn’t wasting any time setting up some drama in Alexandria, but a lot of it feels out of character. Rick and Carol’s aforementioned hubris doesn’t feel like it entirely justifies their recklessness. Rick hitting on Jessie, who happens to be the mother of Carl’s new friends and married to the community’s only doctor seems like a very foolish decision. Carol, who spends the episode boasting of the invisibility that domesticity has granted her, allows a cookie-seeking child to follow her to the armory. These are the sorts of conflicts and consequences that are to be expected from overconfidence and greed, but the episode struggles provide a convincing build up.
“Forget” also has a handful of other, more mundane issues. We haven’t seen much depth from our characters yet, and even their names are quickly fading from memory. Aaron is perhaps the best developed character from Alexandria, while Deanna Monroe remains impossibly idealistic, and Jessie is the obligatory love interest. The rest of the community quickly fades into a parade of people who will probably not survive. Meanwhile, the metaphors are as clumsy and obvious as ever. Buttons the feral horse escapes capture by both humans and zombies alike, but is quickly surrounded and devoured as soon as Daryl and Aaron manage to chase him into a pen. And at the party, Sam gives his mother and Rick a stamp on the hand: a red A for Alexandria. Sam can be forgiven because he hasn’t taken high school English yet, but the sight of the two walking through town bearing the scarlet letter borders on comical.
Despite its flaws, “Forget” contains a lot of set up for future episodes, and it’ll be interesting to see what direction The Walking Dead chooses to take. Love triangles and inept sneaking aside, Rick and his group are still extremely capable of taking what they want by force, and the show hopefully won’t get too mired in petty relationship drama. Lest anyone forget, external threats are still very real: the discovery of a walker with the letter “W” carved into its forehead is an ominous reminder that danger isn’t far from the gates.
I hope you have insurance on what you love because many, many things are about to get broken.
In conjunction with the news about HBO Now, HBO also released the first full-length trailer for the Game of Thrones’ fifth season and ho boy, buckle in boys and girls because play time is over. Khaleesi looks like she is finally ready to make good on her “I’ll take what’s mine with fire and blood” promise and darn it if I don’t love every single one of her inspiring speeches. At the very least she’ll be making some drastic changes in Meereen. Winter is (still) on its way in the North, but Stannis’ arrival looks to make things rather interesting. (About time he got more of a plot.) We have a few more glimpses of the new characters in Dorne and politics doesn’t seem to be the only thing going on in King’s Landing these days. (And I’m not just talking about Margaery lip-locking with a minor.)
Is it just me or do these sets look larger than anything we’ve seen before? Either way, April cannot get here fast enough.
Game of Thrones returns with its fifth season on April 12, 2015.
AMC has announced that they have ordered two seasons for their untitled Walking Dead spinoff series.The new series will be set in Los Angeles and focus on new characters and storylines. The first season will arrive late summer with a six-episode first season order. The second season will air in 2016.
Robert Kirkman, Gale Anne Hurd, Greg Nicotero and David Alpert from The Walking Dead will serve as executive producers of the new series. Dave Erickson, who co-created and co-wrote the pilot with Kirkman, will head the series as an executive producer and showrunner.
“We take incredibly seriously the notion of building a satisfying companion series to the number one show on television. From the beginning of The Walking Dead on AMC, we’ve been asked questions about what was going on in other parts of the zombie apocalypse, and what it looked like as the world really did ‘turn.’ Through this new series, we’re going to find out,” said Charlie Collier, AMC president. “Robert Kirkman, Dave Erickson and their writing team, along with an incomparable set of producers, cast and crew have created something remarkable and clearly distinct. We respectfully follow the request of Monty Python as we bring out (the latest of) our Dead.”
“We feel empowered by this two-season commitment, a serious show of faith from our network partner AMC,” Kirkman said. “I personally take it as a sign that they believe, like we do, that we’ve accomplished our goal of developing something original that can pay tribute to the original show and expand the world I created while at the same time having something new to say with this story. I’m very grateful that we now have the opportunity to tell this amazing story and show the fans that we really haven’t scratched the surface yet when it comes to The Walking Dead.”
“This vote of confidence from our partners at AMC is gratifying, to say the least,” Erickson said. “We’ve been blessed with amazing writers and a stellar cast – and we can’t wait to build this apocalyptic drama over the next two seasons and hopefully beyond.”
HBO has announced their premium streaming service, HBO NOW, will launch in April.
The streaming service, arriving in time for the fifth season of Game of Thrones, will be available exclusively to anyone with an Apple device. Users will be able to watch every episode of every season of any HBO series along with movies, original HBO Films, groundbreaking documentaries, sports and comedy and music specials.
Upon launch, customers can subscribe using the HBO NOW app on their iPhone, iPad or iPod touch, or directly on Apple TV for instant access. Users can purchase HBO NOW directly in-app for $14.99 a month. Upon registering, subscribers will also be able to watch at HBONOW.com. HBO will offer a 30 day introductory free trial period to new HBO NOW customers who sign up through Apple in April.
“HBO NOW is the next phase of innovation at HBO,” said Richard Plepler, chairman and CEO, HBO. “With this new partnership, a natural evolution for the network, we have access to millions of Apple customers who are used to getting their favorite apps immediately. Now, they can do the same with an HBO subscription.” “HBO NOW offers a new generation of HBO fans many of the best TV programs in the world without a cable or satellite subscription,” said Eddy Cue, Apple’s senior vice president of Internet Software and Services. “Now, with the same simplicity as buying an app, customers can subscribe to HBO NOW and instantly start viewing their favorite HBO programs as they air – this is huge.”
The Last Man on Earth Season 1, Episode 3, “Raisinballs and Wedding Bells” Air Date: Sunday, March 8, 9:30/8:30c Grade: A-
I avoided spoilers when I reviewed the two-episode premiere of The Last Man on Earth, but it meant essentially ignoring the entire second episode. That’s really a huge disservice, because Kristen Schaal is hilarious. She plays Carol Pilbasian, presumably the last woman on earth, and the embodiment of being careful for what you wish. The nit-picking, grammar-correcting, pedantic super-ego to Phil’s slovenly id, Carol is determined drag him kicking and screaming towards the preservation of human civilization. She’s pretty blunt about about the responsibility laid before them–repopulation–but refuses to have sex with Phil until after they are married. “Raisinballs and Wedding Bells” jumps right into the nuptials, forcing Phil to confront all his reservations about spending the rest of his life with the last woman on earth.
The Last Man on Earth is both a figurative and literal deconstruction of human society. The end of each episode introduces another twist and adds another wrinkle to Phil’s increasingly complicated life. “Alive in Tucson” depicts the type of person Phil has become, for better and worse, after years of isolation. “The Elephant in the Room” then introduces Carol, and all the societal conventions he has gleefully abandoned come flooding back. From her impeccable grammar (“Don’t you mean, ‘Out for what do you need that gun?’”) to her insistence on continuing to obey stop signs, she is determined to preserve the human race and save it from collapsing into… well, whatever Phil has become. “Raisinballs and Wedding Bells” brings the conflict between Phil’s loneliness and selfishness to a head, and confronts the sacrifices we make and the people we become for the sake of one another.
Eager to preserve old traditions (meatballs), Carol attempts to make the best of a bad situation (raisinballs) and takes it upon herself to prepare the entire wedding, from the ceremony to the reception. Meanwhile Phil, the newly elected president of the United States, is merely tasked with retrieving the wedding rings. While Carol toils away, Phil spends his last day as a free man throwing himself a bachelor party with all of his “friends,” which mostly consists of burning things with a flamethrower: a mountain of toilet paper, popcorn, wigs. We’re only a few short episodes in and The Last Man on Earth has already been packed with great visual gags, but my favorite by far is the sight of all of Phil’s crudely drawn friends wearing wigs.
When he arrives still unkempt and without the rings, Carol finally gives up. Phil finds her to apologize after being confronted with the thought of being alone again, and soon the two are married. Married life with Carol turns out to be everything Phil dreaded and more–even their efforts at repopulation are painfully and hilariously awkward. However, the two eventually forge a genuine bond over Phil’s countless, senselessly destructive activities. Flamethrowers and steamrollers turn out to be the keys towards a successful marriage, and things are finally looking up for Phil when the show throws another wrench into the proceedings.
The series appears to be structured with a very clear sense of forward momentum and escalation, which will make for a great first season at the rate things are going. It’s a hilarious and interesting take on the fundamentally human struggle of merely coexisting with each other and a touching reminder of how societies manage to coalesce in spite of ourselves.
Will Forte and Kristen Schaal are both experts of hilariously awkward and uncomfortable pauses, and this episode is filled with them.
“Phil, you were a real scrub today. And you know how I feel about scrubs.” “You don’t want no?”
“Oh, got your sleeping bag down, Phil! That’s your camping spot! You big camper! You better put the food in the trees before the bears get it!”
“Oh I’m famished. After doing the nasty, I need to have some beans. Oh, you want some beans, babe?”
“Oh my god, I can’t believe I just had sex with the president of the United States.”
If anything is true about the current cinematic landscape it is that nothing is safe from being remade, rebooted, or “reimagined”. All of the big movie studios do it but the folks over at Disney have been doing it in a rather specific way that essentially just calls for recreating their classic animated films in live action form. This has so far been done (with unspectacular results) to Alice in Wonderland and Sleeping Beauty (in the form of Maleficent) with The Jungle Book and Beauty and the Beast being prepped to follow as we speak. But this week brings us another in the form of Cinderella, which made its animated debut in 1950 and has gone on to become one of Disney’s most beloved classics.
Now, when I first heard that Cinderella was next on the live-action update slate I assumed the basic bone structure of the story would be there but with a bunch of computer generated bullshit tacked on. You know the kind of stuff I’m talking about: epic battle scenes, giant creatures, and made-for-3D action sequences; AKA stuff that will get teenage boys into theater seats too. These are the kinds of things that turned Alice in Wonderland, Maleficent, and Universal’s atrocious Snow White and the Huntsman into the soulless, dull films that they turned out to be so why should I have expected anything different for Cinderella?
But then it was announced that the master of Shakespearean cinema, Kenneth Branagh, would be sitting in the director’s chair and my hopes began to rise. And then as production began and we were slowly teased with sketches of Dante Ferretti’s set design and Sandy Powell’s costumes, I started to actually think that Branagh and company might be onto something special.
And now that I’ve seen the finished piece I know that I was right because for the first time I can say that Disney’s live action update of an animated classic is actually an effort worth seeing. And what makes it so special is how true it stays to Disney’s original masterpiece. Rather than haphazardly trying to wedge in additional story elements to make the film more stereotypically marketable to young boys or foreign audiences, Branagh hems extremely close to the classic narrative but tells it with one of the most exquisitely beautiful productions I’ve seen in a long time. The sets, the costumes, the music, and the cinematography are so stunningly gorgeous that it’s nearly impossible to avoid getting caught up in the age-old yarn of the kind girl who loses her parents only to become a servant for her dreaded stepmother and grotesque stepsisters before meeting her fairy godmother, attending the royal ball in style, falling in love with Prince Charming, and leaving behind that famous glass slipper that ultimately helps her be united with the Prince in marriage.
Some viewers may initially yearn for some kind of modern twist on this simplest of stories but I think its clear that Branagh wisely thought, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” And I couldn’t be happier he did. The film, as delivered, oozes with so much old fashioned charm that I simply found myself grinning at how wonderful it all was even when the screenplay occasionally dips into moments of cheese that perhaps only small children will appreciate.
But the film’s impact is not limited to its artistic physical attributes. Branagh has also assembled a fantastic cast that delivers the dialogue with enough eye-twinkling charm to win over even the most cynical viewers. This talented group is led by Lily James (Downton Abbey) in the title role and she absolutely nails it with a perfect balance of sweetness, fragility, and strength. There won’t be a single little girl who watches this without dreaming of being James as Cinderella in that stunning blue gown she wears to the ball. Hell, even I’d be willing to give it a go!
Surrounding James in the strong supporting cast is Games of Thrones dreamboat Richard Madden as the Prince, Holliday Grainger and Sophie McShera as the evil stepsisters, Stellan Skarsgård as the scheming Grand Duke, and Helena Bonham Carter (who actually looks quite beautiful when not covered in Tim Burton’s near-death makeup!) as the Fair Godmother. Even Agent Carter herself, Hayley Atwell, gets a nice cameo role as Cinderella’s dearly departed mother.
But the real scene-stealer here is of course Cate Blanchett as the wicked stepmother. I mean…there just isn’t anyone else who could’ve nailed the role like she does and her costumes alone are enough to make every fashionista in the audience squeal with delight.
It goes without saying by now that I highly recommend seeing this lovely new telling of Cinderella and I genuinely hope it finds the audience it deserves if only to prove once and for all that not every movie needs an epic battle scene or an abundance of CGI characters. They just need an excellent story told by artists working at the top of their game. This is what Branagh and company have done with Cinderella and if Disney continues down the road of adapting more of their animated classics, I can only hope this is the model they follow.
Every week “12 Monkeys” takes viewers on a roller coaster ride as the heroes battle foes from both the past and the future. This week’s episode expanded the universe even more as we met a new group with deep ties to the Splinter Project but possesses a drastically different outlook that will directly affect Cole’s life.
We pick up from last week in 2043 where Jones and the others are trying to bring Cole back since sending him to Chechnya had not stopped the Army of the 12 Monkeys from releasing the plague. Things go very wrong when the time machine malfunctions because of an unstable core, leaving the chrononaut MIA.
Back in 2015, Cassie is struggling to come to terms of Cole’s death and believing that they had truly stopped the plague. Aaron suggests that they get a meeting with Senator Royce and coax him into discussing what happened in the “Wexler Aftermath” to confirm if they had found Cole’s body and give Cassie some closure. Whatever buddy I know your ulterior motive is to get your girlfriend back.
They manage to see the Senator and Dr. Railly convinces the politician that it would be in his best interest to send her to Chechnya so she can truly assess the situation on the ground and prevent any outbreak from occurring. He reluctantly agrees and Cassie asks Aaron to come with her. He refuses however, saying that she needs to do this for herself and that he’ll be there when she gets back. Then they kiss. My love for Team Casserole obviously came out because I yelled at my screen. His body isn’t even cold yet!!! This surely must be just Cassie feeling very vulnerable and Aaron is taking advantage (or this is what I tell myself shh…)
Meanwhile in 2043, Jones determines that they can’t fix the machine and need a new manifold to stabilize the power core. Here’s where we get some more background information on Jones and Project Splinter. After the plague happened and governments collapsed, the president, top officials, and the smartest minds (that were still alive) where transferred to a place called Spearhead to try and find a cure. For twenty years the scientists there worked to find one but their efforts got them nowhere. The virus mutated, killing many in the compound. Things became even worse when Colonel Foster initiated a coup by killing the remaining officials who were looking to move Spearhead’s resources to a different location. His wife had succumbed to the plague and Foster (Xander Berkeley) became obsessed with finding a cure. Jones however was spared and soon after took one of the two available cores to work on Project Splinter.
Jones sends Whitley and Ramse to Spearhead in order to get the spare manifold but warns them that it could get dangerous. Upon getting there Ramse is naturally suspicious. Still, there is lots of life and laughter with children and other civilians in the compound. Whitley’s father turns out to be the head of security and we get a little glimpse of the sacrifice he made when he decided to leave “home” to go with Jones. They ask to see the colonel and who appears to have adopted a savior complex. Foster shows his skepticism over Project Splinter and asks why they are having this conversation if Jones had successfully sent someone back in time. He then refuses to trade them his spare stabilizer manifold because in case his own fails, he needs it to continue powering the massive amount of servers Spearhead had collected over years (whose purpose is to find a cure). Foster claims that within a few years they’ll be able to engineer a vaccine that can anticipate all the possible mutations of the virus before it occurs in nature.
Mmm that sounds too good to be true bud.
RAMSE AND MINI-RAMSE!
Ramse gets a little touchy when Foster still refuses to help and goes off on his own when he suddenly comes across Elena. That’s right, THE Elena that Cole had once mentioned as not Ramse’s usual type. He asks her what happened to her and she says that she thought the West 7 would have gotten to him by now. Poor Ramse (who’s first name is Jose btw), you can really see the torture in his eyes as the love of his life stands in front of him. She explains that it was too dangerous to stay with him and he quietly says that he would have protected her. Here’s the game changer folks, Elena responds that it wasn’t herself she was worried about. She takes him to another part of the building and introduces him to Sam, her son. OMG THAT’S RIGHT RAMSE IS A DAD!!! Feel free to drop your jaw. The kid is adorable and looks like a mini version of his pop.
Ok I’m sure you’ll need a few moments to process this new information.
Back at Project Splinter, Jones only manages to completely kill her core after trying to once again unsuccessfully bring Cole back from the past. Speaking of Cole, he’s actually alive and still stuck under the rubble in Chechnya. Luckily for him, some locals hear his voice and are attempting to help him get out. We’ll come back to Cole a little later though.
Jones comes to Spearhead herself, this time asking to take their core to replace theirs. Foster counteroffers with consenting to lend them his core in order to retrieve Cole but afterwards they all would need to come back to Spearhead to help in the effort to find a cure. This time the German doctor says that’s out of the question because the “cure” could not be found. Their ensuing argument is a little reminiscent of Ramse and Deacon’s opposing world-views. In this case, Foster feels that Jones’ obsession in time travel as the answer was her inability to let go of her daughter Hannah’s death. He proves his own belief in moving forward (not backwards) by burning the picture of his wife and himself that Jones brought to him as proof that Project Splinter worked. Jones in the meantime thought that Foster was giving people false hope because they had already tried to find a cure twenty years ago and that her way was the only way. Here’s where Foster’s counter makes you pause because he says what if the plague were really meant to happen and whatever they tried to do would not change the outcome. This is something that must have crossed Team Splinter’s minds because nothing they’ve done up to this point has worked. Even stopping Operation Troy did not prevent the outbreak. So who was actually right in this case, Foster or Jones? Both characters believe that they are in the right and have their own hidden agendas.
She ain’t taking no for an answer!
Jones and the rest of her group return to their own facility with some scientists beginning to doubt the German doctor and wondering if Foster truly had the cure within his grasp. Jones interjects that the colonel did find a cure but it was for the virus of 2033, the one that killed many in Spearhead, not for the current mutation. Ramse argues that the only way to save Cole is to take Foster’s deal but the doctor says that she will find a solution. After he leaves, Jones tells Whitley that they need to take Spearhead’s core by any means necessary. Uh oh that sounds like trouble.
Now let’s get back to Chechnya. Cassie is on the ground making her way to the area where Cole had found Wexler to make certain that he’s really gone and the plague was effectively stopped. Cole is now being helped by some local villagers to get out of the wreckage, though he is still injured from bullets via Wexler’s henchmen in last week’s episode. This is a pivotal moment as Cassie finally arrives at her destination and Cole is being hoisted from underground because it seems like they are going to run into each other, except that doesn’t happen. Dr. Railly finds the area empty except for the two Russian soldiers guarding the entrance. She calls Aaron and says that Cole is really gone and that they’ve succeeded, but of course they haven’t. Cole resurfaces and discovers that he’s in 2017 and the virus had been released. The episode ends with him looking at the countryside where bodies are being dumped inside a mass grave.
Yes this was an intense one guys. So many things happened and so many great points raised that makes you question whether or not Team Splinter truly are the good guys or just kidding themselves. Thus far we’ve only seen them and the scavengers as major camps in the future. To now see that there is a third, albeit cultish entity in Spearhead, which group is really the best one?
The show continues to keep us on our collective toes as more elements are introduced that further complicate both timelines and I love it. The situation between Cole, Cassie, and Aaron has also changed as the latter two believing the time traveler had died and now appear to be “on” again. Ramse’s own world gets turned upside down as he discovers that he’s a father. While Cole has been his primary concern throughout the series, will his loyalties be tested via his new family in Elena and Sam (who are on Team Spearhead)? The writers have even given Whitley another dimension as this must be the nicest he’s been all season long. The most fascinating scenes though were the ones with Jones because she is shown to be just as obsessed as Foster in finding a solution for humanity.
It looks like Project Splinter and Spearhead will be heading towards a violent confrontation next week and poor Cole is still stuck in 2017 Chechnya. I’m both terrified and excited to see episode nine!
Production has begun on CBS’ and Warner Bros.’ Supergirl and as a teaser, the creators have been kind enough to drop by and grant the internet a little gift. Here are the first images of Melissa Benoist as Supergirl:
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Supergirl, or Kara Zor-El if you prefer, looks fantastic. Her costume mirrors the one we saw on Henry Cavill in Warner Bros.’ Superman, but she also looks so…oh, what’s that word? Normal. No bared midriff or thighs, no impossibly blonde hair blown back by an unseen fan, and no uncomfortably tight top that can’t possibly be good for high altitudes.
