Thankfully, we have HBO’s Game of Thrones to keep us moderately sane, although at this point it’s all but certain that HBO will reveal the ending of the series and that kind of breaks my heart. BUT HEY! Season 5 starts back up in April 12th (of 2015) and some lucky soul who attended the IMAX debut last night leaked this trailer for all of us internet nerds to pick apart for weeks on end:
What are we thinking? What strikes you first in the trailer?
There isn’t anything presented that we haven’t already seen from promo and set stills, but there’s something so thrilling about watching Daenerys put on her badass face with a (mildly frightening) rendition of David Bowie’s “Heroes” in the background. All I know is, April cannot get here soon enough.
Archer Season 6, Episode 4 “Edie’s Wedding” Grade: A
I’ve mentioned before that Archer’s essentiallyinvincible, and therefore never really has any reason to take himself or any situation too seriously. There’s plenty of self-aware humor to mined from that, but the tension suffers because the stakes are basically non-existent. “Edie’s Wedding” takes care of that problem by bringing back Barry Dylan (voiced by Dave Willis), former ODIN agent turned Six Million Dollar archenemy, who follows Archer to Wisconsin for the wedding of Pam’s foul-mouthed sister Edie (Allison Tolman). Old wounds are reopened as Pam prepares to face her torturous sister and Archer his cyborg nemesis in a thrilling and hilarious showdown.
A vengeance-seeking cyborg is a natural escalation of the “tangible threats” arms race against Archer’s invulnerability, but while Barry poses a greater danger than any regular spy mission could, the two still tend to reach a sort of stalemate. To borrow an analogy from The Dark Knight, Barry is the unstoppable force to Archer’s immovable object. The show has worked around this narrative inconvenience in the past by stranding Barry on a space station or having him under the thumb of the more assertive Katya (Archer’s ex-wife turned cyborg head of the KGB). Still, Barry’s machinations are unleashed sparingly enough that his return feels appropriately threatening, and Dave Willis’s brilliant voice acting is spot on; he nails Barry’s smug wit and casual menace that always teeters on the edge of madness.
Another way to get around the issue of Archer’s invincibility is to put other characters in harm’s way. This time, Pam gets abducted by Barry while in Minnesota for Edie’s wedding. Allison Tolman, perhaps best known for her role on the television series Fargo, puts that same Minnesota accent to good use here as Pam’s cruel, bullying sibling. Edie amounts to a more exaggerated and meaner version of Pam (if you could imagine such a thing), but their caustic relationship is surprisingly believable. Crucially, it helps expose more of Pam’s emotional vulnerability, something that was sorely lacking during her coke-fueled hulk rampages last season. There’s no hint of sympathy or reconciliation here; Pam spends much of the episode vacillating between tears and anger. Even after Pam is knocked out and kidnapped by Barry, Archer in turn has to knock out Edie to force her into the rescue attempt (she’d rather not miss the all-you-can-eat prime rib at the rehearsal dinner). The only thing resembling closure that Pam achieves is having completely ruined Edie’s life in return (by making her miss the rehearsal dinner, which then causes her fiance to cheat on her with the maid of honor).
Barry’s single-minded quest to destroy Archer is understandable–Archer basically ruined his entire life at every passing encounter. What’s been the most interesting about his character, though, is his gradual descent into madness. Having been turned into a cyborg, had his likely-mechanized heart broken, and trapped alone in outer space isn’t easy on his psyche, but the show has been methodically dialing up his insanity in a way that most television dramas (let alone comedies) haven’t been able to get right. What used to be amusing idiosyncrasies (his lame jokes, his propensity to hold conversations with himself) that colored his contempt have now taken on a much more sinister tone, and the threat he poses only grows as he becomes more unhinged. As Pam notes, he’s basically just bug nuts crazy at this point, but his arc over the entire series is actually one of the better depictions of a villain that I’ve seen anywhere.
The character development of most villains stop when they become bad, and then they get killed in the face off with the hero. If they happen to survive, they come back with nothing more than a scar and a slightly different plan. Barry Dylan, on the other hand, is actually driven insane and becomes worse. Even as his smoldering exoskeleton lies broken in the aftermath of the grain elevator explosion, he can’t help but amuse himself with the Eye Lights Out trope, only to come back cackling like a maniac at his own joke. He’s completely off the deep end now, and he’s never been better.
“I don’t want to sound racist, but–” “Power through it…”
“I’m hitting door open! You can’t see it but I really am oh my god it’s just like Maximum Overdrive! On Monday let’s talk about how scary this was for me!”
Krieger, like any respectable mad scientist, is on the quest for the fabled brown note
“Crazy like a fox! Who’s bionic! And whose fiance dumped him for literally the dumbest guy in Russia.”
The gag of Boris presenting a plate of butter and syrup to Katya in bed was stupid but great. “Who want waffle..? … I forget to make waffle.”
“Oh and just do you know, my worst nightmare, which is actually recurring, is me and Santa getting chased by Lurch from the Addams family.”
I have a lot of gripes about TV, movies, games, books, pretty much everything. I’m basically April Ludgate but with more smiling and swearing. One of my oft-used complaints is how males and females never seem to be able to friends without romance budding between them and RUINING EVERYTHING. (Yea, Homeland, I’m still mad. I PLEADED with you and still you betrayed me.)
Yet, all the while, there was Parks and Recreation right under my nose with all of these phenomenal male/female friendships that just make my heart swell and I haven’t even taken the time to properly recognize all of them: Ben and April, Tom and Donna, April and Ron, Leslie and Andy, and of course, the big kahuna, Ron and Leslie.
Let’s all take a moment to appreciate their friendship and celebrate the end of a three-year-long rift between these two fantastic people.
They’re completely in sync
They aren’t afraid to divulge their feelings (even if one is more outgoing about it than the other)
Kamala Khan: Stretching Into Mainstream News For the Good of Mankind
First up, we have some of the best news I’ve seen in a long time: phenomenal people in San Francisco are covering up Islamaphobic bus ads with photos of Ms. Marvel’s Kamala Khan. (I don’t like using “defaced” in this context like other articles because it makes it sound like the Kamala Khan fans are the hateful ones, ruining some work of art. Obviously, the opposite is the case.)
I’ve said before that Kamala Khan’s Ms. Marvel is a superhero comic we should all be reading. Not only is Kamala a strong role model, but more importantly, she’s a Muslim. In the states, there is an unacceptable amount of bigotry and vitriol thrown at Muslims, with people even stupidly claiming that all Muslims should publicly denounce terrorism. As if that wasn’t already a given for pretty much everyone, no matter their race, religion, or Hogwarts house.
But here comes Kamala Khan, this teenage girl, a fan of comic books and food, a girl struggling with her identity and all the labels placed on her without permission. And holy shit, she’s just like every other teenage girl, because of course she is. Being Muslim doesn’t make her different, it only adds another layer to who she is as a person. (The ability to embiggen does, however, make her different.) It’s so refreshing to see Kamala and her family because how often do we see Islamic families portrayed in a good light in mainstream media?
Does Marvel Have a Girl Problem?
Speaking of female heroes in the Marvel Universe, io9 has a solid article discussing Marvel’s merchandising problem when it comes to women.
These women are in the movies and the TV shows seen by millions of people the world over, that’s the bit that matters, right? Well, yes, but it’s only part of it. By largely keeping these female characters away from the bulk of the merchandise, these companies are essentially advocating that sure, there’s cool female characters in these things, but they’re really for boy,- and boys don’t want girl figures or t-shirts with them on.
Agent Carter Reunites with some dapper friends
Agent Carter’s fifth episode, “The Iron Ceiling” will star the Howling Commandos, accompanied by Agent Thompson to make things even more difficult for Peggy. Comicbook.com has a slew of promotional stills on its site, but I’ll add a few because I like pictures and Agent Carter.
Oh, and hey! Andrea Towers has her review of “Blitzkrieg” already posted. You know, in case you need somewhere to fan it up.
Avengers: Age of Ultron Possibly Adding…???
Finally, the rumor mill is buzzing with more news surrounding Avengers: Age of Ultron and the possible addition of yet another prominent character in the MCU. It could be considered a bit of a spoiler, so if you are averse to such things I suggest you skip immediately to the comic section to post a high-five for Kamala Khan.
Are we good?
There’s a source over at SchmoesKnow.com who claims that AoU will also include Mantis. It doesn’t seem a shocking leap since Mantis has been part of both the Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy, but her addition does make me wonder how many leading roles there will be in this film and WHY, JOSS WHY has there been no mention of Captain Marvel appearing in this movie yet?
He may portray undercover KGB agent Philip Jennings on acclaimed Cold War drama “The Americans,” but in real life Matthew Rhys has no problem showing his true colors.
The Workprint caught up with Rhys in time for the spy thriller’s third season premiere, bowing tonight at 10 p.m. EST on FX, and fans might be dismayed to hear the actor aligns more closely to the show’s 1980s roots than they’d probably prefer.
“I’m a little bit of a Luddite. I still use pen and paper as often as possible,” Rhys joked, when asked if he enjoys participating in any social media activities to promote the show, particularly live-tweeting.
“It’s a sort of ludicrous notion to me, because I think, especially with our show, you ask the audience to go on quite a fantastical journey. It’s a big ask of them and of their imaginations to go with you,” Rhys continued, explaining why he believes the growing trend of digital interactivity between artist and subject can disrupt creative expression and, ultimately, the viewing experience.
“I think things like live-tweeting and things like that, what you’re doing is you’re sort of popping yourself out of that fantasy back into reality and telling the audience that you’re an actor playing a part. The suspension of that belief I think becomes harder, or the chasm becomes a greater jump. I don’t think it aids you in any way,” he confessed. Despite the passionate diatribe, Rhys admitted his staunch perspective could be attributed quite simply to personal preference.
“I’m just a bit more old school. I just want to watch it uninterrupted,” he declared.
Who can blame him? “The Americans” has enjoyed a stellar critical reception since its 2013 debut, with TV analysts heralding the show’s meticulous and suspenseful narrative structure that all but requires undivided attention. The series centers on two Reagan-era Soviet spies (Rhys and Keri Russell) posing as an American couple nestled in the Washington, D.C. suburbs with their two children. Creator Joe Weisberg spawned “The Americans” from his own experience as a CIA officer, but uses the show’s espionage framework as an allegory for what’s really a story about marriage.
Rhys picked up on the metaphor immediately, discussing how his initial reaction to the script targeted its emotional undertones rather than the flashier appeal of playing a secret agent.
“When I first read the pilot of this, at its heart, the most alluring thing for me was this incredibly complex relationship and how that would resolve and manifest itself,” he revealed. The dynamic between Philip and his wife, Elizabeth, is what preserves a symbolic consistency throughout “The Americans,” as the couple navigates their arranged domestic obligations alongside more unseemly ties to the criminal underworld.
The difficulty in maintaining such dire personal and professional balance reached new heights for Philip and Elizabeth in last season’s finale, as they were faced with the ultimatum of enlisting their teenage daughter, Paige (Holly Taylor), into the KGB fold. Rhys did confirm assumptions that the new arc will serve as season three’s chief undercurrent, but he also clarified that it exists primarily to reveal yet another layer within the show’s evolving core.
“I think this year, it’s [about] the conflict between Philip and Elizabeth about Paige. It’s sort of the more extreme version of what so many marriages and relationships go through in the raising of children,” Rhys explained. “It’s the absolute conflict that interests me, how it will resolve itself and the very rocky journey of getting there … Really, the entire season is that grapple and that wrestle between the two as they thrash it out.”
Potentially integrating Paige within their mission elicits comparison between Philip and Elizabeth’s own recruitment process and their current struggle to determine a solution concerning their daughter’s future. Rhys discussed how the connection plays a vital role in deepening the character histories that the show has merely teased up to this point.
“Philip and Elizabeth were children when they were picked, you know? They were in their late teenage years and I think heavily indoctrinated,” Rhys began, drawing parallels between Phillip’s life trajectory and the wrenching disapproval he feels toward Paige possibly joining the family business.
“He’s found himself in a vocation that he really didn’t choose in a way. I think it was kind of chosen for him, thrust upon him, and he’s evolving at a time and bursting out at a time when he realized it probably isn’t the life that he would have chosen nor is it the life he wants, and the same applies heavily for his daughter. He doesn’t want her pushed into something at such a young, vulnerable, impressionable age whereby in a few years she’s in up over her head, because it’s not a job you can quit overnight or walk away from. He doesn’t want her to have to do the many awful things that he has to do in order to stay alive and, therefore, keep the family alive.”
Moreover, their duties have kept Philip and Elizabeth a largely distant presence in Paige’s life, and their façade as a healthy, functioning family unit is only growing weaker with time. Elizabeth displays a more unwavering devotion to her motherland than Philip, enabling her to diffuse the long-simmering guilt he’s no longer able to ignore. Rhys expressed a sympathetic understanding of Paige’s inevitable dilemma, and why she’s already demonstrated a desire to seek outside support through a church group with which Philip and Elizabeth aren’t exactly thrilled.
“Philip and Elizabeth both suffered from absent parents in one respect or the other, and I think the same has happened for Paige,” Rhys explained. “She’s suffered enormously from two very absent parents and has sought the sort of comfort and light and guidance from elsewhere … I think children tend to find rebellion in the opposition of what their parents want. For them, it was the church.”
According to Rhys, Philip and Elizabeth likely find Paige’s interest in religion hard to swallow because it shines a light on the questionable ethics and unfathomable violence they’ve committed for the sake of a larger purpose. After all, he pointed out, the church and the KGB are each “a communal, supportive group that has a strong belief” in their own right. However, in the case of Paige’s Bible study, “there’s no risk of being killed or hurt or imprisoned as a direct result of your job,” Rhys continued, making clear that any choice between the lesser of two perceived evils would be a no-brainer for Philip. ”There’s nothing on God’s green earth that could make him acquiesce to the fact that [Paige] should join the KGB or, indeed, the intelligence world,” he declared.
The increasing complexities threatening the Jennings’ familial construct aren’t the only challenges on the horizon for “The Americans.” Oscar nominee Frank Langella is on deck for a recurring role as Philip and Elizabeth’s former KGB handler who’s come out of retirement to address unfinished business. For Rhys, the inclusion of such a celebrated thespian added undeniable, but welcome pressure to an already intense working environment.
“It’s sort of like having a silverback gorilla come onto the set in the best way possible,” Rhys laughed. “He’s this dominant, physical, mental, emotional, presence that kind of stiffens and straightens everyone’s back and lifts everyone’s game, certainly. The premise in which they set him, him being influential and instrumental in the training of Philip and Elizabeth is sort of great because it gives you instant history that he just does effortlessly. He has this commanding presence that builds a great conflict between them all. Working with him has been fantastic as he turned up with this natural presence and he is ready to listen, he’s ready to play, and he plays at a very high standard, which makes it exciting for us.”
Rhys already attaches palpable gratitude for the opportunity to be such an integral part of “The Americans” with or without an impressive roster of co-stars.
“I’d say this was my dream role. As a sort of box ticker for actors, I don’t think you could get better than this,” he gushed. “The layering, the complexity of it keeps getting deeper and more varied. There’s no danger at all of it ever becoming dull or repetitive. It’s incredibly challenging and dynamic. It’s everything you want or ever wanted to do in one part.”
While the individual performances have garnered their own fair share of accolades, fans and critics alike attribute much of “The Americans’” success on the undeniable chemistry between off-screen couple Rhys and Russell. Given the parameters forced upon them, Philip and Elizabeth’s unconventional love story is often interpreted as an ongoing, multitudinal struggle to differentiate between what’s genuine and what’s generated. However, Rhys believes it might all come down to matters of the heart for Philip.
“I’m a romantic in that sense,” he confessed. “I do think that he fell in love with [Elizabeth] in the beginning … I think he is emotionally a lot more available and open, and that doesn’t serve him well in this business at times. It takes its toll sort of deep down with Philip. I think it does affect him and it’s a problem that comes back. It’s sort of the return of the repressed. It comes back to haunt him.”
Regardless of each character’s personal plight, the overall journey for “The Americans” as a storytelling endeavor travels most seamlessly on a two-way street. Rhys agrees, once again citing Philip and Elizabeth as the proverbial hands that keep the show’s dramatic clock moving forward – even if they have to look back once in a while.
“It’s this dance that they have perennially. Their relationship and life together is so complex that it’s gymnastic in a way that it can leap from something incredibly domestic as to do with the kids’ school and then to do with a mission and then the killing or disposing of a body,” he explained.
“They jump these huge caverns, these leaps, varied and often and that’s true of their emotional life. They only have each other in this situation. There’s no one else they could turn to. There’s no one else who can empathize or sympathize like the other one can. Therefore, in that respect, they’re sort of beholden and dependent on each other. It makes for this amazing relationship whereby they need each other, but they antagonize each other enormously and they fight and they’re poles apart at times, but ultimately, knowing that they absolutely will always need each other, makes for incredibly interesting play.”
As long as Philip and Elizabeth still have each other it seems likely viewers will still have “The Americans,” for better or for worse — like any solid marriage.
Will Phillip and Elizabeth recruit Paige into the KGB? In the wake of the departing “Sons of Anarchy” and “Justified,” is “The Americans” now FX’s flagship series? Sound off in the comments, and stick with The Workprint for all your pop culture needs.
“The Americans” premieres Wednesday, Jan. 28 at 10/9c on FX.
Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’m feeling like Agent Carter has found its groove. With an action packed two-parter and a third, more languid hour of storytelling, the fourth installment of Peggy Carter’s story — the midway part of this series — was , to me, the perfect mix of all the right things: action, mystery, emotion, not to mention fun cameos and solid storytelling. And we were brought right into it with the very beginning of the hour, as Jarvis and Peggy worked out a deal that involved a suitcase, a couple of shady men, and a lot of money. (Jarvis is getting better at being undercover, by the way, and maybe he still has a lot to learn but it doesn’t stop me from wanting the Peggy and Jarvis Spy Hour.) The men are working for someone named Mr. Mink, and despite their best efforts, essentially get their asses handed to them on a silver platter both Peggy and Jarvis. (Did I mention that during this entire exchange, Peggy not only effortlessly takes care of the guys giving her trouble but also knocks them out with her heels? HER HEELS. If that’s not a good opening scene, I don’t know what is.)
Turns out that the “cargo” Mr. Mink is transporting is none other than one Howard Stark, whom both Peggy and Jarvis are less than pleased to see. That doesn’t stop Peggy from allowing Howard to hide out with her in The Griffith, however, knowing that he can’t go back to his own house. She manages to sneak him in by having him hide in the dumbwaiter, and even manages to throw off Mrs. Fry thanks to some quick thinking. To see Peggy breaking the “rules” of her new home is pretty delightful, and I think my favorite thing about this show is that it routinely allows Peggy to be…well…human. We see her being vulnerable, we see her worrying about her friends and her relationships, we see her as she deals with the sorts of situations women would have dealt with in this time period – even if those situations aren’t necessarily ones that we would think Peggy Carter would deal with.
Meanwhile, back at the SSR office, Dooley plans to go to Germany to talk to a Nazi named Mueller, who may have some intel on the disappearing Russians. With Dooley out of town, Thompson mandates all the agents to work extra hard on the Stark case, though Souza manages to get out of it by taking initiative and going down to the wharf to see if he can investigate the anonymous call. Between Peggy trying to talk him out of going down there and the almost-completed sketch at the end of the hour, it seems as though we’re inching closer and closer to Souza discovering Peggy’s secret. And while I’m not sure this is evidence enough to believe that he could end up being Peggy’s mysterious husband, I do think that we could definitely see him as an ally should the show go to a second season – if not before.
After Peggy rescues Howard (not from the dumbwaiter, but rather, from another woman’s room) the two finally find some privacy in which to reconcile. I’ve loved Atwell and Cooper’s chemistry since the first Captain America movie, and that love has only intensified in the past few times I’ve gotten to see them interact on screen together. It’s not only believable, it’s sharp and charming, and even though I know that Dominic Cooper is only around for a handful of episodes, I want to see a lot more of it.
Howard tells her he’s leaving for Rio in three days, and shows off some really nifty secret camera pen. He then legitimately invents the selfie about 80 years before it will actually probably be developed, go figure. Peggy is unimpressed, but she ends up finding this invention useful when she uses it to take pictures of the inventions that the SSR is investigating in the lab. (And I guarantee she will learn to appreciate selfies.) Meanwhile, Souza finds two hobos that he questions about what happened on the Heartbreak, and takes one into custody.
While Mr. Mink is showing off his unhappiness with his associates’ failures (by killing them, obviously), Howard is again romancing another woman in The Griffith, much to Peggy’s dismay. Like father, like son, apparently. They begin developing the film from the camera pen when they’re interrupted by the ever well-meaning Angie. She’ll be best friends with Peggy yet!
(Sidenote: one day, I want to grow up and be the person Peggy Carter is teaching me to be. I mean, the girl dismantles a bomb in her bathroom and has a darkroom in her bedroom! I can’t do anything that cool in my apartment.)
When Peggy returns to Howard, he tells her that all his inventions have been taken but Peggy needs to steal one back, because it’s dangerous and potentially destructive. Souza’s hobo is refusing to talk, but some liquor and food do the trick and soon he’s rambling about a woman and a man that he saw on the boat – though not the woman from the club that Souza is showing him in the photo. Dooley is having his own interrogation over in Germany, where he’s offering Mueller a cyanide pill in exchange for information, but unfortunately doesn’t get much in return.
Peggy manages to overhear Souza and Thompson talking about the information they got from Souza’s informant, before she goes to swap out the Blitzkrieg button. Inside is a vial containing what looks like blood, and Peggy has just enough time to process this before she’s forced to hide in an interrogation room where Thompson happens to be. We get another intense, gut-wrenching scene where Thompson point blank tells her that she’ll never be treated as an equal as long as she’s a woman, and damn, Hayley Atwell is just phenomenal in this role. She brings everything that you would want to Peggy – vulnerability, emotional strength, and also a sense of courage and determination that you can see even underneath all the hurt that she has to fight through. I’m so glad that this is a character that exists on our screens.
When Peggy returns to Howard, she’s on edge – and rightfully so. It’s probably a bad time for Howard to use that moment to tell her that the vial she’s holding contains Steve Rogers’ blood, and I’m not going to lie, he pretty much deserves that slap. To be honest, I felt like I needed a slap after that bombshell, which I did not expect. He tells Peggy about Project Rebirth, and how he was one of the lead scientists on it, and that the government is out to get what’s left of the serum. Howard wants to use it to change the world – “Steve Rogers can save millions of people” – but this is too much for Peggy who has basically had it and leaves, telling Howard to leave as well. I know this is Peggy’s story through and through but I really, really enjoy how the show is using Steve Rogers to bind everything together, and in a way that doesn’t feel overpowering. Captain America is vital to this story, and between the radio show and the continued references in conversation and now the vial that makes it clear just how important Steve was to two different people, we’re reminded of the very reason that Peggy is here in the first place.
Mr. Mink, who has decided he’ll get rid of Peggy himself, tries to bring her flowers but is denied thanks to Mrs. Fry. He manages to catch the room number, however, and attempts to assassinate her when he’s met with a surprise: Dottie Underwood, who asks for his revolver and then takes him down with what you should recognize as some awesome signature Black Widow moves.
And lest I be wrong in my assumptions, especially based on what we saw in the trailer for next week where we’ll be traveling to Russia and visiting the infamous Red Room of Natasha Romanoff’s childhood, let me just say it now: Dottie Underwood is one of the first Black Widows. I am so, so beyond excited for this character development, not only because I love Bridget Regan and know what she can bring to an emotional and action-oriented role but also because I’m a huge Natasha fan, and any evidence or backstory of the Red Room and the girls that were trained there will make me the happiest Marvel fan alive.
Peggy calls out Jarvis for knowing about Steve’s blood and not telling her, and Jarvis goes to Stark and tells him that he’s tired of apologizing for all his mistakes. (We also get a nice cameo here from Stan Lee, which is always fun.)
And so we end with secrets: Peggy opening her wall and hiding evidence of her mission, Dottie hiding a dead Mr. Mink under her bed while looking way too happy to be holding his pretty pistol, and that darn Fringe-like typewriter taking on a mind of its own. Til next week?
And hey, apparently we’ve recast all the Howing Commandos except Dum-Dum, but I’ll try to overlook that because…Howling Commandos! Russia! Black Widows! Red Room! I’m just a little bit excited.
Well, it’s officially official. This week’s episode of The Bachelor will go down in history as one of the dumbest yet, and that is saying a lot. The level of stupidity and nonsense on this show is normally quite high, but this week’s episode seemed to take the cake (and the rose) as far as pointlessness and confusion go. The endless conversations about absolutely nothing, the many tear-fests and drama about things I don’t even understand as “problems”, and the multitude of scenes and time spent focusing on absolute ridiculousness – it was an avalanche of stupid. My brain still hurts from sitting through it, and the 2-hour episode felt like a week-long event. The level of dumb just kept growing and growing and growing, as did whatever sleeping pills they are putting in Chris Soule’s beverages, because he just gets sleepier and more zombie-like every week. Perhaps it was just being hungover with disappointment after the hilarious takeover by Jimmy Kimmel last week – and now being brought back down to reality with the cruel reminder of what this show really is without Kimmel there to mock it and make me laugh. Sigh. Let us begin …..
This week’s “journey” begins inside Alcohol Palace, where Douche-bag Host Chris Harrison is back at the reins, informing the women of the weeks events. There will be 2 group dates, he says, and only a single one-on-one date, which will be chosen by the 3 sisters of Farm-Boy, who are on their way to visit soon and “interview” each girl to see which one has the honor of a private date with the Dim-Wit. He brings in the first date-card, and then vanishes into the night to do whatever the hell he does during the 1 hour and 57 minutes of the show where he is off-air. (I think he sits in the Fantasy Suite, having himself a bubble-bath with a framed picture of Corn-Husk Boy. He then dissolves into tears at the realization of the emptiness of his life.)
This show is famous for attaching themselves to products and films and other things they can advertise and endorse through dates and other obvious ploys, and this week is no exception. This week’s theme was Cinderella, in order to promote the new version of the classic film by Disney, and it’s premiere. So, it just so happens that our bachelor has 3 sisters (Get it? 3 evil step-sisters?), who now come into Crazy-town Mansion to interview all the girls who are not on the Group Date, and then pick someone to go on the Cinderella-themed date with Cotton-Brain Chris. So, the sisters arrive, and while the other girls await their presence indoors drinking their usual cocktails at 10 am, Jillian and the Bar across her Ass is sunning herself out by the pool. She joins in late, and the sisters take each girl aside and grill them about why they feel they should go on the date with Chris. Minnie Mouse-voice Whitney says a bunch of words that I don’t really take in because her voice makes me want to commit homicide. Britt seems overly confident and also overly sweaty in the face. Carly starts crying and tells the sisters she has never been treated nicely by a man. She talks about how much she loved her grandpa, and then made this bizarre statement: “I want Chris to be like my grandpa.” Jade tells the sisters about her cosmetics company (I think – don’t quote me on that), and about how she comes across as super shy and feels out-of-place sometimes, but really wants to be here. When asked by the sisters if they would move to Iowa, all of the women practically fall over themselves to come up with different versions of “Yes! Of course! It’s my DREAM to live in Bum-fuck Iowa! Who wouldn’t want to move there? Don’t be silly!” The sisters see Jade as some sort of modern-day Cinderella that they can transform, so they choose her. Meanwhile, at the lake …….
GROUP ORGY (Date) AT POINTLESS LAKE:
Going on this group orgy is Kaitlyn, Dumb-ass Megan, Nutjob Onion-Girl Ashley with an S., Juelia, Kardashian-wanna-be virgin-whore Ashley with an I. initial, Samantha, (seriously – do they spend ANY time focusing on this person? I still have no clue who she is), Crazy McKenzie, and Kelsey. The girls get picked up in 2 cars, one which is driven by Farmer Dull. They drive to a lake, and everyone starts getting out and getting fake-excited, as if a lake is anything to get excited about. McKenzie to camera: “Like, oh my god. My favorite place in the world is a lake.” Really? Is it? Your favorite place IN THE WORLD is a lake? I don’t think so. Everyone strips into their bikini and whore gear, and jumps into the lake to swim. Immediately, some of the women begin taking off pieces of their bikinis before jumping into the water. Kaitlyn removes her bottoms to show everyone her ass, before jumping off the raft. Ashley “the I stands for ‘I am a virgin-whore'” takes her top off and jumps. Kelsey stands on the side-lines, pouting about the ridiculousness of this date so far. (although I totally agree with her) “It is not appropriate to just start undressing in front of a guy on this awkward group date scenario”, she says. “This is a date made for bimbos. This is stupid.” Yup. Pretty much on target with that one. Yeast-for-Brains doesn’t seem to mind the nudity though, as he cheers the girls on, yelling “Yeah! Woohoo! Go Kaitlyn!” etc.
After the strip-swim in the lake, everyone plays the dumbest game ever, where they all line up and hold hands and then one person runs into the line, trying to break through it with their body weight. Kelsey sits out of this one too, saying “This is absurd. At various points on this date, I wanted to take a fork and stab it into my eye. ” Me too, Kelsey. Me too. Pea-brain Megan had a different take on the situation. She tells the camera “This is so much fun! I mean, Chris is here with us (No shit! Why wouldn’t he be there with you? That is the whole point of the date, you dolt) and we are all in our bikinis! It’s a perfect day!” I guess Megan and I have very different definitions of what a perfect day is.
Farmer Blah then informs the girls that this date will last until morning, as camping is one of his favorite activities, and they are going to camp out overnight at this lake. Out come the tents, and everyone starts putting them up in partnered groups. Ashley with an I initial makes a funny to the camera with “I’m a camping virgin, and a virgin camping!” Don’t quit your day job, Ashley. Wait – I forgot – you don’t have a day job. As the night goes on, (and on, and on, and on ….) Chris spends private time with some of the girls individually. The other girls build a fire and sit outside acting like complete lunatics. McKenzie asks people if they believe in aliens. Really? Again with the aliens? Cuckoo’s Nest Ashley starts singing something that nobody else understands as human sounds, followed up by hiccuping and “ta ta ta teee tah” vocals. Meanwhile, the private time begins. Kaitlyn and Chris kiss a lot, and then have this amazing dialogue:
Chris: “I mean, this right now. This …. hey, look at that! ” (points at moon in sky)
Kaitlyn: “Yeah. The moon … ”
Kelsey is next, and when she is with Chris, her pouty mood seems to change into “girl who keeps giggling for no apparent reason” girl. She asks him if they are really staying there overnight at the lake, and his response of “well, we aren’t leaving” sends her into fits of hysterical laughter, like that was the funniest sentence she had ever heard.
Whackjob Onion-Girl Ashley S. is up next, and the dialogue between her and Empty Box Brain is almost too weird to describe, but I’ll try:
Her: So what are you?
Him: Huh?
Her: Like, what are you? I mean, like, I know you’re a Scorpio, but what are you … look at the moon. That’s weird to me. And, like, we’re sitting here. That’s weird to me. Is that weird to you, like …?
Him: Uhh …. well … ummm… I mean … generally speaking, when I’m in Iowa, and the sun is coming up ….
(She randomly starts kissing him, in the middle of his non-sentence. He goes along with it like the puppet he is, letting it happen with zero reaction to it either way.)
Her: Yeah, so I love … you … I love everything about you. I mean, I don’t know. I hope that resonates within your mind tonight. You don’t have to say anything in regards to that. ” Don’t worry, Nutbag. He won’t. She then stares at him for a good 9 seconds of creepy intensity. The other girls sitting by a fire nearby start calling out Chris’s name over and over, to get him to come back to them. He does.
Last up is Ashley Virgin-whore, who puts on her 500th coat of nasty lipgloss, lipstick, and face powder, in preparation for her one-on-one time with Styro-foam Brain. She basically talks nonstop about nothing whatsoever, and then in the middle of her own awful sentence, starts making out with him AGAIN in the most disgusting way possible, opening and closing her mouth over and over and over again. She tells the camera how she wants the group date rose more than any other girl there. The rose goes to Kaitlyn. Nobody is happy.
Once everyone has gone into their tents to go to sleep, Virgin-Whore Ashley decides this is the best moment to inform Farmer that she is a virgin. “Like, most people would never guess that I’m a virgin or that I’ve never had a boyfriend so I just want him to know that”, she tells the camera. She then sneaks over to his tent in the dark, and opens it right up. Again, Farmer Zero has NO reaction to this, other than “Oh. Come here”, which he barely gets out, because he sounds stoned. Ashley begins to ramble on and on to him, never actually using the word virgin, and just baffling the hell out of Kazoo-Brain. Also, when she talks, she sounds like there is about 3 pounds of marbles inside her mouth.”I’m freakin’ innocent,” she says. “Like, I just don’t want you to think I’m something other than what I am, you know, and so, yeah. ” They kiss some more, and grope some more, and she leaves. “I think he gets it”, she says. “I have no idea what she’s saying right now”, says Corn Boy. Whatever. As long as she molests his face some more with her open mouth, that’s all that matters.
PRINCE SNOOZE AND HIS CINDERELLA:
Back at Horny Castle, Jade has been whisked into another room by makeup artists and designers and such, where she makes her transformation into Cinderella for her date, by trying on various ball gowns while all the girls watch with insane jealousy from outside the door. She is given glass slippers and diamond earrings, and told that she gets to take both home with her. Ashley Virgin-Whore is particularly upset that SHE doesn’t get to go on the Cinderella date, because “this is soooo my thing. I’m the Disney princess. Like, that’s what everyone calls me and its my thing. This, like, physically pains me to watch.” A white limo picks Jade up, and she is off to the ball. Chris doesn’t know which girl his sisters have chosen for the date, so when he looks up at the top of the giant staircase and sees Jade there, his bland version of an excited reaction is typical Farmer-Boy. He tells Jade that he is so happy it is her, and that she looks beautiful. The two have a romantic dinner, and use the word “fairy-tale” about 247 times during the night, in their camera interviews. They find out that they have something in common – they have both been engaged before. Chris tells the riveting story of his engagement: “Yeah. We were young, and so, things didn’t work out, and then, we ended things.” Chris tells camera that Jade “has all the right things”, and gives her the rose. He then tells her there is one last surprise. They go through a door into a private ballroom, with a platform in the center for them to dance. There is a live, full orchestra there, and scenes from the movie Cinderella played on a giant screen above them as they did the waltz together. “This is like a fairy-tale”, says Jade. “Chris agrees.”This date is just like a fairy-tale, and I hope I get my fairy-tale ending.” Gag. Jade tells camera “Just like in the fairy-tale, I have to leave at midnight.” They make out and kiss while dancing, and Chris repeats again to camera that Jade has all the right “things”, whatever the hell that means. Meanwhile, back at Drunk Mansion, Ashley Virgin-Whore has put on a ball gown of her own, and begun dancing with herself, having a solo fairy-tale evening without her prince. She ends her night by sitting in her dress holding a glass of wine in one hand, and an ear of corn in the other. No, really. Seriously.
GROUP ORGY (Date) GETTING DIRTY:
This date included Nicki, Jillian and the Bar across her giant ass, Minnie-Mouse Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca. Boxes wrapped in ribbon arrive at the mansion for each girl, and they gleefully tear them open to find wedding dresses for each of them to wear. In their new dresses, they take a limo and drink more champagne and wine, because that is ALL THAT THESE PEOPLE DO ON THIS SHOW IS DRINK. They then take a private jet to San Francisco, where Oatmeal-Brain is waiting for them. Then a second limo drives them all to their destination; the MS Muck-Fest; an obstacle course-type-race that includes lots of mud, dirt, running, and climbing. In wedding dresses. They are told that whoever wins the race gets to stay for a private date with Chris that evening, and everyone else will go back in the sad-rejection-limo and go home to drink more. As the race goes on, it is clear from the start that Man-Chick Jillian will win by miles. Carly,on the other hand, has a few classic quotes when discussing the obstacle course, with “I had balls swinging in my face. I gave up after I saw the really big balls.” When Jillian officially wins, leaving everyone else in the dust, Carly tells the camera that she isn’t surprised, because “that chick is a f**kin’ DUDE!” Everyone packs into the sad-limo and leaves.
Jillian and Gerber-Brains head to the rooftop for their romantic setting with the night skyline and dinner. Then Jillian begins talking, and it all goes to shit very fast. Never have I heard anyone talk so much in such a short period of time, about NOTHING. She droned on and on and on and on, and it simply wasn’t ending. Most of her jabber was about how she doesn’t have a 5-year plan for her life and goes with the flow, and then she moved on to her workout routine, and her dad’s fitness routine, and every detail about every fitness competition she has ever been involved in since the beginning of time. Farmer Squash was not only bored to death by all of this, but his yogurt brain couldn’t comprehend what the f**k she was talking about. The only thing that made less sense than what she was saying, was what HE said to the camera in reaction to it.
Quote of the Night:
“When Jillian started talking, I became confused, because her words were coming out faster than my brain could compete. Occasionally, while hearing her words, I began to start thinking a lot of unicorns and dancing fairies. ” What. The. F**k. WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? Bachelor producers -get this man off his sleepy-time pills, and stop feeding him bales of hay – he only has about 14 good brain cells left. The date only goes downhill from there. Jillian asks Farmer the all-important question “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl, or abstain from sex for five years?” He half-laughs, like it’s a chore, and gives no response. Eventually, he takes out the rose and begins the speech where he sends her home. “I feel like we don’t have that chemistry”, he says.”It’s not there for me.” I guess Jillian doesn’t have “all the things” he wants, like Jade does. Jillian and her Adam’s Apple begin to protest and cry to being sent home, but it doesn’t help. He awkwardly hugs her, and sends her on her way. No rose for you!
COCKTAIL PARTY OF DRAMA:
The girls and Farmer Zzzzzz get a couple more hours together before the rose ceremony. Rocks-for-Brains Megan tells camera “I’m here for him, and for him only, and …. and … wait .. I just lost my train of thought.” That train left a long time ago, honey. She pulls him aside for some private time, in which she uses to blindfold him and feed him foods with chocolate, to “test his senses. There are 3 – taste, smell, and I forgot the other one.” He identifies banana and raspberries, and she is very pleased with herself. Personally, I have no clue what the purpose of that game was, but Megan AND Chris both seemed to be under the impression that she had invented it. Apparently nobody else ever , has blindfolded another person and then fed them different foods in a seductive way before.
Meanwhile, Ashley Kardashian is freaking out that Chris didn’t get the message the first time she told him , that she is a virgin, so she decides to pull him aside and tell him AGAIN. When she asks him what he got out of their tent conversation the other night, he says “Well I uhhh …. umm … it was … intriguing. And umm … maybe that you’re uhhh… like, more conservative than you come acrost. ” Yes. He said ACROST. Not across, but ACROST, which is not a word. She says “So the thing is – I’m a virgin.” After a moment of silence in which Chris was probably thinking to himself but you act like such a whore – he tells her that he respects it and everything is fine. When she leaves the conversation, she starts sobbing like a lunatic and wiping her cartoonish eyelashes and caked-on makeup, whining about how “Now he won’t make any moves on me an I know it has to do with the virgin thing.” Nutjob McKenzie tries to comfort her , and then they decide that every single girl needs to know that Ashley is a virgin. (Seriously – why is this even a thing? WHO CARES?) McKenzie breaks the news about Ashley’s virgin status, and Carly’s reaction to camera is priceless: “I’ve seen her make out with Chris 13,000 times. Her mouth isn’t a virgin.” Then Becca tells the girls that, she too, is also a virgin – and that the subject hasn’t come up with Chris yet so it’s no big deal. Kardashian practically trips ACROST the table to fake-bond with Becca over their virgin-status, but Becca wants none of it and turns away, ignoring her.
Britt feels left out of this week’s events, and uses her one on one moments with Chris to tell him that she was confused as to why Kaitlyn keeps getting roses. “I heard about girls taking their clothes off and their tops off, and that maybe that’s why she got the rose, and it’s like … rose, rose, rose, with her , and some of the girls were just wondering why … and like, what the intention there was and ….” Nothing she said made any freakin’ sense to me, as none of it was a complete sentence of any kind, but whatever she was getting at seemed to really piss Chris off , as much as he is capable of having human emotion. He manages to mumble something about “that’s not why she got the rose .. Kaitlyn is … well you know …she is … she has qualities that I ….. and it’s just … ” He thanks Britt for her honesty on this issue, and then gets up quickly and tells the women that he is here to meet his wife. “If anyone feels like they need to question my intentions on that, you’re more than welcome to go home.” He and the Pointless Host-Chris exit together, leaving the women in an even bigger state of confusion than normal.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Juelia is one of the women sent home this week, and he walks her out and they cry together about what a beautiful person she is and how much she has been through. She really does seem very genuine, and I guess at LEAST he didn’t kick her to the curb the same night / week she told him about her husband’s suicide by death, leaving her with an infant daughter. She is clearly well-liked by the other girls in the house, and her goodbye is tearful by many. Crazy-Onion-Girl Ashley is also sent home, because she has served her purpose of playing this season’s nutbag, and now she may go back to her planet. She gives him one last creepy stare and hugs him. She then tells the camera ‘I feel nothing. I have no feelings. ” She then makes an unidentifiable owl-type noise, over and over , and slowly walks out of frame.
NEXT WEEK: Really – does it even matter? I think you know the answer.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 2, Episode 14 “Defense Rests” Grade: A-
I’m consistently impressed by Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s ability to fit so much story and comedy into a short half hour. Where most other sitcoms risk spreading themselves thin on any given week, this show frequently manages to juggle multiple storylines for its large main cast without feeling too crowded or rushed. “Defense Rests” is packed with great moments and provides a slightly more nuanced take on some classic sitcom plotlines.
Jake has sensed some distance in her relationship with Sophia, the public defense lawyer. His suspicions are confirmed when Sophia requests that they take a break, saying that her relationship with a cop is causing her boss Geoffrey Hoytsman (played by Chris Parnell) to pass over her with cases. Jake understands without truly understanding, and makes it his mission to befriend and win over Hoystman at a fundraising dinner for the Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders. He convinces Terry to support him on his quest by appealing to Terry’s love for love, and as always Terry makes a great straight man to Peralta’s antics. Jake quickly makes a breakthrough by bonding over Hoytsman’s penchant for gambling, but the discovery of cocaine use in the bathroom leads Jake to arrest him in front of all his friends and colleagues.
Jake’s misguided attempts at salvaging his flagging relationship with Sophia backfires in a predictably spectacular fashion and ultimately leads to their break up, but I was pleasantly surprised at how undramatic and mature the break up itself actually ended up being. There isn’t any of the yelling or tears that we’ve come to expect from the end of a major character’s relationship, and Jake’s last minute chase and declaration of love fail to change Sophia’s mind–he’s mostly just left breathless, and confused upon learning that Romeo and Juliet ends in a double suicide. It’s an uncommon approach to doomed on-screen relationships. The relationship isn’t drawn out and there’s not that much melodrama; merely an incompatibility that one party isn’t willing to try and surmount.
Meanwhile, Wuntch approaches Captain Holt to ask for a recommendation for a potential promotion to the Boston police department. Despite the ultimate opportunity to torpedo her chances, Holt nevertheless takes the high road on Diaz’s advice. He still finds the chance for passive-aggressive retribution by buying her tickets to Wicked in Boston (“Enjoy the understudies, Madeline. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knock-off warble her way through ‘Popular.’”). But as it turns out, Holt’s good recommendation only gave Wuntch the leverage she needed to earn a promotion within the NYPD. Andre Braugher once again nails the subtle physical comedy here, from his barely-contained eagerness at the thought of revenge to his flabberghasted reaction to Wuntch’s victory. It would’ve been easy for the storyline let Holt have his high road revenge cake and eat it too, but it’s nice to see the writers take that one extra step to have it all blow up in his face.
The final subplot sees Gina’s increased hostilities towards Boyle over the past couple of episodes brought to light. As it turns out, their parents’ relationship has gotten rather serious, and Gina refuses to give her blessing for their marriage. With Amy’s help (and her massive conflict resolution binder), Gina eventually reveals that she’s simply worried for her mother, and doesn’t want her to be hurt again. She eventually gives her consent after a quick meeting with Charles’s father to be sure of his intentions. It’s a short and sweet storyline that nevertheless manages to cram in a ton of great humor; Boyle’s relentlessly uncomfortable euphemisms (“tender sexing”), Gina’s scathing hostility (“The only reason I didn’t tell you guys is because I don’t value you as people. So it’s like, why be honest?”), and Amy’s love for all things lame (“I’m a notary, no big deal. I met the comptroller.”).
The episode ends with Peralta and Holt wallowing in their respective defeats at the bar, and the others celebrating the engagement of Charles and Gina’s parents. Doing the right thing and taking the high road didn’t work out for Peralta or Holt, which was a simple twist kept the episode from venturing into cliche. “Defense Rests” manages to juggle three strong storylines effortlessly, without any of the pacing or comedy suffering. What more could you ask for?
Not much of Hitchcock and Scully this week, but they’re doing their part to combat the precinct’s ant problem: “We’re the ones who eat up all the crumbs.” “Yeah, we’re the solution.”
“You think i’m bothered by a little spilt milkshake? I’m a food blogger: I’m stained all over.”
Gina’s plans for the wedding: all the bridesmaids dressed as Roseanne from Roseanne, a certified shaman conducting the ceremony, and an actual wolf as the ring bearer.
Boyle’s plans for the wedding: being the ring bearer, because he assumes Jake would be asked to be the best man.
“You liked Sophia. You fought for her. You should be proud.”
“No, you should be changing her auto-correct. What’s her last name?” “Perez.” “No. It’s ‘Butt’ now. Sophia Butt.”
Let’s go ahead and get the ugly out of the way: KFC has announced a new hot dog. A hot dog with a fried chicken breast bun. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it’ll be making its way stateside, but just imagine what the hot dog eating contests would have been like. (IGN)
In MMO news, Massively has some answers from The Elder Scrolls Online devs about their switch to a buy-to-play model.
An older buy-to-play MMO also announced some changes at PAX south this weekend. It’s about time you added a true expansion, Guild Wars 2! Tell me that trailer doesn’t excite the crap out of you fans. A new area! A new profession! Better PvP and WvW! ASURA MASTER RACE. Sorry. Sometimes that slips out.
NASA believes a real-life TIE Fighter engine could help us get to Mars and I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE. A tribute for what, I’m not sure, but I need to be a part of this. (Blastr)
Vanity Fair takes a stab at explaining all the mysteries surrounding male celebrities’ beards, especially a certain someone’s facial atrocity at the SAG awards last night.
The Church of England has consecrated its first female bishop, Libby Lane, during a ceremony at York Minster. GIRL. POWER. (BBC) Winter Storm Juno, the doodle that can’t be un-did, continues to pile snow onto the U.S. Northeast, and I don’t really have a solution for that, so here’s a puppy.
The 1980s-set Russian spy drama The Americans returns to FX on Wednesday, Jan. 28 with main characters Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings (Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell)) facing higher stakes than ever. Not only do they have their own lives and choices to face, but the KGB is breathing down their necks about the decision to bring their eldest daughter, Paige, into the spying business as well.
The couple has ridden innumerable highs and lows over the past two seasons, and even though they seemed to level out a bit in the second half of last year the disagreement over how to handle their daughter’s future will surely serve for more drama over the next several episodes. Elizabeth, for her part, is torn on the subject. She loves her daughter and is nervous about revealing their true identities but, as we continue to learn, is also unwavering in her loyalty to Mother Russia. If she demands anything, even your child, you give it without question.
Phillip has the opposite reaction, as he almost always does, but he seems to sense that no matter how hard they kick and fight, the KGB is powerful enough to get to Paige (Holly Taylor) with or without their consent. He threatens to quit, that Elizabeth will quit, but it’s half-hearted–if their time spying has taught them anything, it’s that anyone is expendable.
Aside from relationship drama, the couple continue to face threats from outside their own home, as well. Agent Beeman (Noah Emmerich), still reeling from the loss of his wife, starts to have an inkling that the Jennings may not be the squeaky clean neighbors they pretend to be after seeing Elizabeth with facial injuries similar to those inflicted on a suspected Russian spy. Annelise (Gillian Alexy) runs into trouble while Phillip’s supposed to be watching out for her, leaving him and Elizabeth to deal with some (visually disturbing) fallout. We still don’t know who killed Emmitt and Leanne, or whether they might come after Phillip and Elizabeth’s children next. There’s an inkling of a continuing storyline with Oleg and Nina, which makes me super happy. Claudia is still in the wind.
As you can see, even after two episodes there are plenty of mysteries and storylines and angst still being explored. The writing and characterization on this show are so complex and, more importantly, so subtle that it’s often not until a thread reaches its conclusion that I remember we were tugging on it at all. We all know that Stan’s proximity and friendship with the Jennings would come to a head at some point, and signs indicate that it might be looming on the near-ish horizon.
It’s season three – will Paige finally be let in on the big, bad secret of who her parents are and what they do? Will Stan get in over his head and end up losing it in the process? Will the lurking shadows of assassins come for a visit?
I guess we’ll have to keep watching to find out but I can tell you this – if you don’t know what it sounds like when a dead body is folded up in order to fit into a suitcase, you will soon.
Crunch.
The Americans returns Wednesday, Jan. 28 at 10/9c on FX.
David Tennant may have been the savior we all loved in Doctor Who, but Marvel has a different plan for him in AKA Jessica Jones.
The British actor will star as as the villainous Kilgrave opposite Krysten Ritter and Michael Colter. Kilgrave will play an enigmatic figure from Jessica’s past.
“I’m so honored and excited by the prospect of David inhabiting this multifaceted character,” said Melissa Rosenberg, executive producer/showrunner. “He can deliver the most heart-wrenching moment to the driest of lines, and all points in between. He’ll make Kilgrave a truly original villain.”
“Anyone familiar with David’s work knows he brings an incredible level of dedication to any role he inhabits, a level we knew we would need from the man playing Kilgrave,” said Jeph Loeb, Executive Producer/Marvel’s Head of Television. “While most know him for his roles as a hero, we can’t wait to unleash a whole new side of this talented actor.”
**Spoilers from the entire first season of Galavant below**
I think you all know that I’ve been the biggest fan of Galavant for….oh, since they released the teaser trailer last spring. I don’t exactly hide my feelings (unlike that idiot Galavant). And while the show hasn’t been perfect, leaving arcs unexplored–or even just skipping the action altogether as was the case in Isabella and Sid’s pirate rescue–I understand those choices because the show only had eight episodes. It was better to gloss over side stories in favor of the meaty main story rather than go down the side quest rabbit hole and lose viewers. I even understand why they ended the first season on a cliffhanger. (Though, if the show doesn’t get a second season, they are going to feel really silly.)
My biggest problem with the show, however, came in the final two episodes in of the form character blah-sassinations: Isabella and Sid.
Sure, they’re meant to be secondary to Galavant and Richard, but up until the final two episodes they both had their own wit, their own fire and strength that allowed them to call Galavant on his BS. The simple peasant-folk may think Galavant is the shiz, but these two knew better. They certainly didn’t pull punches and wait for the hero to rescue them. I mean, what happened to this girl?
Or even, what happened to the Sid who was loyal but knew Galavant had a serious ego problem?
And yet, instead of Isabella at least ATTEMPTING to get out of the dungeon, or Sid telling Galavant ONCE to get his head out of his behind, the pair instead fawned all over Galavant like he WAS their savior, instead of the inept, mostly okay knight he’d been up until that point. (Which is part of his charm as a viewer!) Don’t get me wrong, I swooned with the rest of us when this happened:
But just because a girl falls in love doesn’t mean she has to lose everything about her that made her what she was in the first place. I mean, Galavant comes back drunk (admittedly, more songs should be sung drunk with King Richard), with the King, and without a way to free them, so she…cuddles him?
“GET UP RIGHT NOW, MAN. EXPLAIN YOURSELF BEFORE I CUT YOU. WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. WHY ARE YOU WEARING MADALENA’S SHOES.” That’s the Isabella I know. At least scorn him a little bit before you throw your coat over him all cute-like. And don’t even get me started on you walking into that creeptastic room that would make even the Phantom of the Opera go, “Whoa, obsess much?”
Get out of that box, girl!
Even with my frustration at how these two characters went down at the end of the season, I still adore Galavant. The music has been consistently good, tying in perfectly with the rest of the show. The plot and characters surprised me until the very end. Vinnie Jones plays a likable character! Timothy Omundson sang a ballad! I want to adopt Isabella’s parents! Madalena continues to be hilarious and evil! Let’s hope the cliffhanger angle wasn’t a bubble plot to get a second season. It didn’t work for Joan of Arcadia and let’s face it, Galavant has a niche audience. I can only hope that Joshua Sasse’s tweets were a hopeful sign of seasons to come. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ’em.
I’m pretty sure that Belle is Hermione Granger’s favorite Disney princess. I mean, no one loves to read more than those two girls and I’m pretty sure Ron’s wedding gift to Hermione was her very own library. Right?
The big news from Disney studios is that they’ve cast their Belle in an upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast, and it’s the lovely and talented Emma Watson.
It seems Emma’s excited too, spilling the news on her Facebook page and saying “I’m finally able to tell you… that I will be playing Belle in Disney’s new live-action Beauty and the Beast! It was such a big part of my growing up, it almost feels surreal that I’ll get to dance to ‘Be Our Guest’ and sing ‘Something There’. My six year old self is on the ceiling – heart bursting. Time to start some singing lessons. I can’t wait for you to see it.”
As Belle is my favorite princess as well, I can’t wait to see it either. We’re all going to have to be patient, as the film is still in pre-production with no official release date.
An “X-Men” TV series is in development at FOX and if you ask me, it’s about damn time!
First reported by TV Insider, FOX aims to develop the series inspired off the 1963 comic book series and movie franchise. However, all this must come with a blessing from Marvel, the owner of the comic book rights. Fox currently only holds rights to the film franchise.
“We’re cautiously optimistic, we had a good meeting with them,” said Fox entertainment chairman Gary Newman. “That will not be on a fast track creatively. This is just the deal, now we have to find the creative.” Newman believes that if the series is to take off, audiences can expect it for the 2016-2017 television season.
Games can be exhausting. After hours and hours of slaying realistic-looking zombies or making decisions that alter the course of an entire world, sometimes a person just needs a pallet cleanser–a game that is fun, simple, and still challenging.
Enter Shovel Knight.
Shovel Knight is an 8-bit retro platformer where you take on the role of the disgraced Shovel Knight as he journeys to rid the world of the Enchantress and her evil knights in order to avenge the loss of his beloved Shield Knight. It sounds like a ridiculous concept, a knight wielding a shovel, but somehow it works. Mostly because the game maintains a sense of humor throughout, but also because you can do nearly anything in 8-bit graphics and have it look reasonable. Besides, how else is knight supposed to loot ineptly covered piles of gold and gems without a shovel?
At first glance, Yacht Club Games’Shovel Knight looks terribly simple. Jump, shovel stab, jump jump, dig a hole, jump, shovel stab, etc. And sure, that’s how it plays out for the first few levels. But as the game goes on, the difficulty of the game increases exponentially. Soon you have to time attacks, use relics to finish a level, upgrade your shovel and armor, and before you’re know it, you’re screaming at the screen because that Propeller Knight is a cheating son of a vulture’s behind. Once you’re climbed the Tower of Fate and beaten the game, then you can start anew with a New Game Plus to make the game even more challenging. Ah, the good ol’ days of playing a game over and over until you made it your….*ahem* you get the idea.
Shovel Knight is an adorable mix of early Nintendo Mario and Zelda, meshing levels and weapon-like relics such as a Flare Wand and the ever-amazing Phase Locket. Oh, and you can use the shovel like a pogo-stick, bouncing off the heads of enemies, which you’ll have to master in order to get through most of the levels. It’s also just plain fun hopping from enemy to enemy. Bonus, it poops in the face of physics, so use that downthrust to your heart’s content.
If you’re looking to get your kids into gaming because they demand too much attention and parenting, Shovel Knight is an excellent substitute for affection as well as a great introduction to video games. It’s humor and bright color palette is sure to attract any child. No prior gaming knowledge necessary!
In a gaming world of life-like graphics, new combat styles, key bindings that make my head want to explode, it is refreshing to play a game like Shovel Knight that just gets right down to playing the game. Play for four hours or half an hour, Shovel Knight doesn’t care because Shovel Knight loves you for who are, not for how you play. Try saying that about Call of Duty, you #%(*&$# @(*&#$^% (@&(# noob.
Shovel Knight is currently available on Wii U, 3DS, Windows, Mac, and Linux; it should release on the Playstation Network sometime in 2015.
Everybody relax! I didn’t die. There was no Wrap-Up last night because there wasn’t enough worthy news to write a post on. It is going to happen some nights. Honestly it almost happened tonight too, especially when I have to prepare for my 8 year old’s birthday party tomorrow. 19 kids in my house. 19! Why did so many RSVP? Do these kids not have lives? I’m going to be baking cupcakes all morning, until my eyes bleed icing.(Yeah I bake, got a problem with that?)
I AM DEAD, HE IS DEAD, SHE IS DEAD, WE’RE UNDEAD, HEY
Techland announced today that the delayed boxed copies of their upcoming game Dying Light would release in regions outside of North America on February 27th. As a make good on the delay, the developers announced that the pre-order bonus “Be the Zombie” mode will release as free DLC for all players. The digital and North American release is January 27th.
PIKACHU AIN’T NOTHIN TO *$#% WIT
New gameplay footage of upcoming arcade fighter Pokken Tournament was streamed last night and Pikachu, Gardevoir and Suicine were revealed as playable characters. While this game has only been announced for Japanese “Test” arcades, I’m still holding out hope for a future Wii U release. I’m crazy excited to prove my theory that Pikachu is a stone cold killer, who would HM Cut you if you owed him money. (Let me take this moment to remind you that I have an 8 year old son, which proves that at least once… ya know…)
The awesome and frustrating thing about Telltale is that they release their games in episodes. It’s awesome because it means that you can play for two hours and be sated with a compelling story. It’s frustrating because I’m impatient and I need games RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
Thankfully, the second episode of Telltale’s Game of Thrones will be released on February 3, 2015, so I don’t have too much longer to wait. The second episode, “The Lost Lords,” will immediately follow the game’s first episode, taking us to the Wall where we’ll meet Jon Snuh and the other men of the Night’s Watch. We’ll also get to see more of the politics in King’s Landing, as well as the results of a certain ahem action at House Forrester.
The game will release first on PC, Mac, PS3, and PS4 on the 3rd of February, with XBOX releases coming a week later.
Archer
Season 6, Episode 3 “The Archer Sanction”
Grade: B
For a show as heavily serialized and long-lived as Archer, the burden of keeping the show engaging weighs more heavily on the comedy and character development. This is most apparent whenever the show ventures into the standalone “mission of the week” diversions, which without any major plot or character development, can sometimes feel like it’s just spinning its wheels. This is largely the case with “The Archer Sanction,” which manages a good number of laughs but mostly felt like a diversion.
Archer, Lana, and Ray are sent on a climbing expedition in the Swiss Alps to eliminate another assassin (or, as Archer prefers to call it, an “extra-judicial killing”), but Archer of course skimmed the mission dossier and only remembers that the target is from a country which was an Axis Power during World War II. Leading the expedition is Patrick “Crash” McKaren (voiced by Rob Huebel), a rugged mountaineer with which both Lana and Ray are smitten, which in turn makes Archer jealous. Rounding out the climbing party is a shady trio whose members, of course, each come from Germany, Italy, and Japan.
While the three spies are busy flirting, bickering, and trying to figure out who the target is, the office drones throw Cheryl a birthday party in their secret japanese sauna. Malory is watching wee baby AJ, but is unreachable to the increasingly worried Lana. It’s always great to see the drones fumbling with a mission of their own, and they’re eventually tasked with investigating Malory’s apartment to check on her and AJ (only to find out too late that it was being fumigated). There are plenty of amusing moments here, from the elaborate voicemail prank Malory finally pulls on Archer to Cheryl’s perpetual and wide-ranging ignorance: she doesn’t know that what ceviche is, or that watermelons are red.
At times, it feels as though Archer tries a little too hard to stick to the old formula. Though I would never complain about the reappearance of the show’s countless long-running gags, the rest of the episode was straightforward and unfolds in a predictably Archer sort of way. The three shifty-looking party members are soon found dead under suspicious circumstances, and it doesn’t take long for Archer to figure out that Crash was the real assassin with the mistaken belief that Ireland was an Axis power (they were neutral, and Crash is actually a Canadian of Scots-Irish descent). Archer shoots him despite being warned against setting off an avalanche and, in a surprising turn of events, sets off an avalanche that quickly sweeps the mountainside. They survive, of course.
Archer himself is acutely aware of, and consistently amused by, his role as the hero and the invulnerability that implies. His flippant attitude and complete disregard for his own safety has reached new heights this season, and the self-aware humor is being laid on pretty thick (particularly in the premiere). Not taking everything seriously is an integral part of what makes Archer and Archer so great, but the show can’t really afford to simply stick to the old formula and keep dismissing the lack of real stakes with a wink and a nudge.
Archer’s “Peppermint Patty” sounds delicious: hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, a hint of creme de menthe, and peppermint schnapps.
The “who am I…” obscure historical references are back. This time, it’s Charles Frederic Andrus, watermelon breeder.
“Just… don’t make any sudden movements, bowel or otherwise.”
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
My hopes just went WAY up.
SEASON finale for Galavant is this Sunday, January 25, 2015 at 8PM EST. If you haven’t started watching, ABC has the episodes on their site. When you’ve caught up, please join me in singing.
Director Bryan Singer has made a big announcement via Twitter. He’s cast the younger versions of Jean Grey, Storm, and Cyclops in the upcoming X-Men: Apocalypse.
Sophie Turner, whom many know as Sansa Stark on Game of Thrones, will play Jean Grey, the red headed telepathic and telekinetic mutant. Tye Sheridan (Tree of Life, Mud) takes on the role of Scott Summers/Cyclops and Alexandra Shipp, who most recently played Aaliyah in the Lifetime biopic, will be Ororo Munroe/Storm.
The trio will join Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Nicholas Hoult, and Oscar Isaac in the latest X-Men film set to be released May 2016.
TV’s newest antihero is both a “House” and a Holmes.
Boasting the all-too-familiar presence of a tortured genius at its helm, Fox’s upcoming crime procedural “Backstrom” is faced with the formidable challenge of setting its prickly lead character apart from other primetime misfits – not to mention the literary icon at their collective core. Luckily, thanks to an affable ensemble, nimble pacing and wisely self-aware dialogue, the promising “Backstrom” does have other tricks up its sleeve.
Rainn Wilson (“The Office”) is top billed as grouchy, yet gifted homicide detective Everett Backstrom in the one-hour drama, airing Thursday nights at 9 p.m. EST starting Jan. 22. The series’ eponymous star character has already generated a host of comparison to similarly flawed leading men, especially Hugh Laurie’s brilliant and boorish diagnostician Dr. Gregory House and other contemporary Sherlock Holmes mutations. However, it’s Wilson’s own breakout “Office” alter ego, no-nonsense eccentric Dwight Schrute, who will likely give audiences the hardest memory to shake. Wilson himself can understandably relate.
Fox
The actor has admitted he wasn’t planning to tackle another TV commitment so soon after his nine-season “Office” job, but Wilson explained at this month’s Television Critics Association press tour that once his agents convinced him to give the “Backstrom” script a serious look, “it really hooked me in.” After all, he joked, “[Roles like this] just don’t come along often for weird looking, 48-year-old pasty white dudes.”
Those familiar with “Backstrom’s” many predecessors might be inclined to disagree. Based upon Leif G. W. Persson’s popular Swedish book series, “Backstrom” was adapted for the small screen by “Bones” showrunner Hart Hanson, who’s no stranger to socially inept protagonists. While unconventional “Bones” heroine Dr. Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel) has helped carve a vital onscreen niche for complex female characters, the slovenly, cigar-chomping Backstrom bears a much closer resemblance to past TV gumshoes lacking the surface-level sophistication of their more elite peers. Lovably disheveled Columbo (Peter Falk) comes to mind when Backstrom dons his signature blaze-orange poncho, but hearing him spit racial epithets and misogynistic one-liners with alarming bravado also conjures memories of Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz) of “NYPD Blue.”
The new series may present an approachable, if overly obvious, composite of influences, but balancing Backstrom’s oafish personality tics with a welcome blend of deadpan humor and lighthearted quirk helps the show’s otherwise disparate pieces form a reasonably well-crafted whole. The most extreme examples of Backstrom’s offensive behavior could be interpreted as shameless, even rote, shock tactics, if it weren’t for the show’s supportive harmony.
“24” alum and Allstate spokesman Dennis Haysbert makes for a compelling wingman as Backstrom’s level-headed and compassionate colleague Det. John Almond, whose embellished fedora enables the man to wear a literal feather in his cap. Precinct ingénue Det. Nicole Gravely (Genevieve Angelson, “House of Lies”) is the exasperated, by-the-book yin to Backstrom’s laissez-faire yang, generating the bulk of necessary incredulity toward her boss’s palpable oddities. Rounding out Backstrom’s gang are Page Kennedy (“Weeds”) as Moto, the squad’s uniformed heavy, Kristoffer Polaha (“Life Unexpected”) as philosophical forensics expert Sgt. Peter Niedermayer, and Beatrice Rosen (“2012”) as Nadia Paquet, a civilian investigator with a mysterious past. Finally, Thomas Dekker (“The Secret Circle”) is on hand as Backstrom’s black-market informant and, yes, interior decorator. The pair’s offbeat father-son relationship belies some of Backstrom’s most glaring insensitivity, suggesting his homophobic jabs and other intolerant remarks are indeed a mere facade or defense mechanism. Surprise, surprise.
Fox
The emotional depth Backstrom might be hiding underneath his repugnant exterior begins to reveal itself early on, as the first four episodes successfully establish a narrative trajectory aimed beyond what the formulaic structure has to offer on its own. Impending guest arcs, namely from Sarah Chalke (“Scrubs”) as Backstrom’s ex-fiancée and Robert Forster (“The Descendants”) as his retired sheriff father, should provide further insight into a psyche primed for long-term examination.
Wilson and Hanson’s combined experience turning deceptively straightforward characters and premises into fully realized conceptual achievements should give “Backstrom” an edge among its midseason competitors. Between “The Office” and “Bones” alone, the duo has two decades of critically and commercially successful network television to their names. Although “Backstrom” endured a convoluted development process after CBS dropped the pilot it ordered in 2012, the unexpected extra time allowed Hanson and the production team to fine-tune the project and gave Wilson a much-needed breather after “The Office” wrapped. The overall results are undeniably winsome.
The enthusiasm with which “Backstrom” presents itself might seem to contradict its gravelly undercurrent. Upon a closer look, however, the show’s deft balance between drama and comedy aligns perfectly with its lead character’s struggle to coexist in both darkness and light. “Backstrom” certainly isn’t embarking upon uncharted territory, at least not yet, but its hopeful outlook juxtaposes nicely alongside its namesake’s tenacious, albeit permeable, disdain. Backstrom’s appropriately dreary living quarters are housed inside a Portland, Ore. barge, filled with peculiar artifacts that seem to pointedly illustrate the disjointed cacophony inside his own mind. The scene and its implications can’t be entirely macabre, and thankfully they aren’t. Both “Backstrom” the show and Backstrom the man are too smart to be that simple, and longtime Wilson fans should be adequately prepared. Although one beloved relic from Backstrom’s past does resurface by the end of the second episode, it’s hard not to keep looking for a stapler encased in jell-o.
Watch the full trailer for “Backstrom” below:
Will Rainn Wilson escape the ghost of Dwight Schrute? “Backstrom” premieres Thursday, Jan. 22 at 9/8c on FOX.
Pay close attention, because I can guarantee that I will never again type these words: This week’s episode of “The Bachelor” was absolutely amazing. Yup. You heard me. Amazing. Why? Because late-night talk show host and comedian Jimmy Kimmel was in charge this week, and he was absolutely hilarious – openly mocking the show and all of its ridiculousness with zero apology. Kimmel is well-known for gently making fun of this show all the time on his own late-night show, where many “Bachelor / Bachelorette” couples have guested and sat on his couch. He has done many parody sketches of the rose ceremony, sat in a hot-tub with many-a-bachelor for comedy sake, and even made endless hilarious comments about what goes on inside the Fantasy Suite. This week, Kimmel played the part of Host Chris Harrison, making Harrison more pointless than usual, if that is even possible. The show began with Farmer-boy Chris snoozing in his bed, and apparently snoring too. A man in a suit arrives with a rose in hand, wakes Farmer Dull out of his deep sleep, and proclaims: “Come on. Wake up. It’s Jimmy Kimmel, and I’m here to help you.” Corn-husk Boy responds with a half-asleep cry of “What the f**k?’ Exactly.
Douchebag Host Chris Harrison then comes into Hormone Mansion, telling the girls “there is a new man in your lives this week.” They squeal with anticipation and confusion, which is their natural state of being. Kimmel enters to massive cries of screaming and giggling, and the hilarity begins. “Hello Sister-Wives”, he begins. “I am here to help Chris make his decision, by making love to each one of you, and then reporting back to Chris.” He then introduces the “Amazing Jar”, which the girls have to put one dollar into, each time they utter the word “amazing” during the week. For anyone who doesn’t follow this silly-ass show regularly, and really, why would you – the word “amazing” is used more than any other word on the show. For the remainder of the episode, a bell sound goes off each time someone says amazing. It is amazing. Kimmel then gives out and writes the date-cards, and even tags along in one of the group dates and one of the one-on-one dates. The results of each are absolutely hilarious. Here comes the madness ….
KAITLYN, DIM-WIT FARMER, AND KIMMEL HAVE A THREESOME :
The first one-on-one date goes to Kaitlyn, and the date-card mentions “an exclusive club”, “members only”, and “endless appetizers.” Both Chris and Kaitlyn are confused as to where their car is taking them, but Kaitlyn guesses maybe a fancy comedy club or hip new restaurant. Instead, they pull up to COSTCO Wholesale Club, and their adventure begins. Kimmel has written them a grocery list of things to buy for when they have him over to Chris’ man-pad later for a dinner party. The list itself is hysterical, with things like mayonnaise and ketchup in massive quantities. The two start shopping through COSTCO and end up having a blast together. “There aren’t many girls who could handle a date like this with such class,” observes Farmer Boy. Okay, take it down a notch, Corn Husk for Brains. It’s COSTCO – not Afghanistan. It’s not THAT big of a sacrifice. After making their purchases and doing a lot of laughing at where they were for their date, the two pack up the car and go back to Penis Castle where they set up for Kimmel’s arrival. They grill steaks, prepare whiskey drinks, appetizers, and more. Chris is enjoying himself so much with Kaitlyn, he tells the camera that he hopes Kimmel doesn’t show up.
Ding-dong! Kimmel arrives with a house-warming gift and lots of jokes. His advice to Chris? “Try to have sex with everyone on the show.” To her credit, Kaitlyn is laughing like hell throughout the entire night, and is having a great time with this. She herself has a pretty good sense of humor, so Kimmel’s comments all go over quite well. When he brings up the topic of the fantasy suite, asking Kaitlyn if she would be upset to learn that Chris had slept with 2 other women in the suite, before choosing her – she said “not at all. How could I be? That is the nature of what this is.” Kimmel retorts to Chris: “You can’t do much better than that.” When Chris and Kaitlyn start kissing , Kimmel sits right there watching them. Toward the end of the night, he says: “Let’s have a threesome. Come on, guys.” Chris replies with: “Let me get the ketchup.” My favorite part of this date was when Kimmel handed the rose to Chris, who then handed it to Kaitlyn, as he began giving his speech about why he is giving her the rose. Kimmel stops him about 10 words in, saying matter-of-factly: “No. This is terrible so far. Start over. This speech is awful. ” She accepts the rose, and the three of them sit in a jacuzzi together under the stars.
GROUP ORGY (I MEAN, DATE) WITH TWELVE HORNDOGS, PLUS KIMMEL:
The group date is up next, and it includes a ridiculous amount of women. Twelve, to be exact. Is this a date or a baseball team? Going on this date are Britt, Becca, Jillian and her Ass, Tracy (still no clue who the f**k this person is), Weird MacKenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Crazy Onion-Girl Ashley with an S. initial, Juelia, Samantha, (who?), Nikki, (no clue), and Carly. Oh, and the Farmer. And Kimmel. Hell, let’s bring along Brad and Angie’s clan, and maybe The Von Trapp Family, too, just for kicks.
The date card says they will be hanging out with “party animals”, so of course, it is farm-related. From second one, it is obvious that the entire purpose of this date is to humiliate these women and watch them do things that are silly, vaguely disgusting, and offensive without being obvious about it. So, because I feel like anyone that goes on this show deserves this type of manipulation, I found it hilarious. Kimmel explained the obstacle course they would go on, or the “Ho Down Throw-Down”, as they called it. It included corn-shucking, a chicken pen clean-up, cracking a fresh egg into a pan without getting shells in it, milking goats, and then drinking the milk. Now, why in the hell would they need to drink goat’s milk unless it was to be vaguely sexual and catch them on camera making comments such as : “This goat’s milk is going down my throat” (Carly), “It’s so salty and warm , it’s not what I want in my mouth” (Amber), and “it tastes like protein.” (Kelsey) Riiiiiiight. And …. eeewww. Meanwhile, as the girls are practically vomiting at the thought of drinking the milk that they just … well … milked … Kimmel is yelling “Drink it! Swig it!” At the last second, Jillian and her floss-sized shorts and her Ass jump the fence and practically knock Carly over, but Carly wins anyway. What does she win for all this humiliation? One on one time with Chris? A rose? Some cash? Nope. She and Chris do a lame photo shoot in the style of the famous painting “American Gothic.” Wow. What a rip-off. She really shouldn’t have swallowed.
HORNY LITTLE THINGS:
The rest of the group date is everyone hanging out at night, for some sort of cocktail party type deal outside. Carly takes Dim-wit aside first and practically attacks him with the line of the night: “You are a man, and I am a woman. So I thought I’d take advantage .” And with that, her tongue is in his mouth and they are kissing like two desperate morons on a reality show. Next up is Amber, who uses her time to dance with Farmer Boy, then pulls him in and begins kissing him. Chris is like a ragdoll. He just follows along with whatever the girls do to him or with him. He is like a puppet. Up next is Weirdo MacKenzie, who starts off with this zinger: “So, remember how we kissed?” Blank Slate responds with “Mmmhmmm….”. She continues creepily: “Well, why are you kissing everyone else too?” Yeah, Chris. Why? His response is as follows: “Well, it’s … see …it’s a good question … I’m uhhh …. I don’t know .. I guess it’s like … ” What’s the matter, Chris? Do you need some help from Daddy Harrison again? Can’t answer a simple question without getting that lifeline? He finally manages to mumble some crap about “I guess I just feel like it’s not right if I don’t just … like … just be who I am and put myself out there.” “Yeah”, she says flatly. AWKWARD!!! Last but not least is Becca, who uses her time with Dullard to talk and do some hugging and holding. She tells him she wants to kiss him but feels they should wait, and he stares blankly as she pours her heart out with her life story. After kissing a bunch of women, he gives the group date rose to Becca. She gives good hug.
After the group date humiliation, we were treated to the usual set of naked shots of Farmer Boy – sunning himself, working out, and then once again soaping himself up in the shower. This time though, he had company. Kimmel was showering next to him, and the two were cleaning one another as Kimmel explained that they “have each other’s back.” So funny, and oddly, a little bit hot.
WEDDING CRASHERS
Whitney, who has the voice of Minnie Mouse, got the second one-on-one date, which began at an outdoor winery. The two sat sipping wine and having riveting dialogue such as this:
Her: “I always meet people at airports. And then I Facebook friend them. ”
Him: “Yeah. And I get that. I sense that, that’s just … you’re genuine like that. ” Dude, what the F**K are you talking about??? Are you smokin’ those corn husks again? Here’s some more of their brilliance:
Him: “I think I just ate some of your hair.”
Her: “Hmmm. Was it very good?”
Him: “Umm. Yeah. (laughs) ummm. …. What’s goin’ on down there? ”
Her: “A wedding? Let’s crash it. Let’s do it. Come on. YOLO!”
Him: “(laughs) Yolo. Yeah.”
Next thing you know, the two are dressed up , with a gift, and in a limo – prepping to crash this wedding reception for fun. They decide that if anyone at the wedding recognizes Chris as The Bachelor, they will say the show is done filming and that they got engaged. Hilariously, turns out nobody gives a shit, because not one person recognizes him or asks anything. They blend into the crowd easily, they dance with the bride and groom and other guests, and Chris does the most embarrassing “white man” dancing I have ever seen in my entire life. They slow dance, and kiss a lot on the dance floor. Whitney tells the camera how into Chris she is, and he seems to feel the same. “I can imagine Whitney being my wife”, he says. He gives her the rose, and she of course, accepts.
HOLY CRAP – IS THIS SHIT OVER YET???
Next up , Kimmel comes into Alcoholics Mansion and tells the girls that there will be no cocktail party tonight. They flip out. He quickly says: “There will be a POOL party!” Ashley with the I. initial starts whining about how she really wanted to do her “Kardashian look” tonight, and now she can’t because it’s a pool party. Meanwhile, Juelia pulls Chris aside to have some private time with him, to finish telling him how she became widowed with a baby daughter, when her husband died by suicide. She tells him the details of how it happened, and it’s heartbreaking. He suffered with mental illness, but she didn’t know how serious it was until after they married. They had their first baby, and he became distant and strange and very overwhelmed. One night he told her he had a gun and that he had written a suicide note, and she got scared and left. The next morning she got a text from him saying “I love you. I’m sorry”, and she got a sinking feeling that it had just happened, that he had just ended his life. She cried on Chris’s shoulder and told the story, and he comforted her and was really good about it. He was definitely better than I pictured him being. The producers must have trained him and given him lines of what to say and how to react when she tells him, because there’s no way that McConaghey wanna-be came up with that dialogue on his own. No way.
Meanwhile, back in whiny-ville, Ashley with an I. initial is still whining about how “Jillian and Britt will be all over him today.” Britt takes him aside and shoves her tongue in his dumb mouth while he is in mid-sentence. He doesn’t seem to mind. Then Jade takes him aside and asks him for a tour of his man-pad-fake-home. Jillian has a plan to go wait in his hot tub, so that when he gets out of the house, she will be sitting there all wet and ready for him. Jade and Cauliflower Brain test out the bed by jumping into it, and then making out while lying in it. Meanwhile, Jillian awaits in the hot tub like a stalker …….
Ashley with an I. initial collects shit-for-brains (Megan) and Wack-a-doodle (McKenzie), and the three geniuses devise a plan to go into the hot tub together , with Jillian and Chris. Chris and Jade come out of the house. Jillian says “I’ve been waiting for you. The water is nice and warm, come on in.” Jade leaves, and Chris gets into the tub with Jillian and her Ass. The three amigos come in, saying “we’re joining you”, to which Jillian retorts: “Okay, but I’ve only had, like, 2 minutes with him so far. Like, literally 2 minutes.” Ashley with an I. initial decides to leave with the other 2, and come back in 10 minutes or so after giving her the private time with Doofus. The three go sit by a brickwall nearby, watching Chris and Jillian make out in the hot tub. This dialogue happens:
Megan: “How do I look? Do I look, like, cracky?”
Ashley: “You look good. not cracky at all.”
McKenzie: “Like, cracky, like a crackwhore?” Seriously, where do they find these women???
Finally, the three re-enter the hot tub, but Jillian still doesn’t leave, and continues to flirt with Chris and sit next to him in the tub. The girls get out of the hot tub again, and Ashley with an I. initial whines and cries again into camera: “It’s not fairrrrr!!!! She already got her alone time with him and I didn’t and … and … and ..” She wipes the mascara from her eyes dramatically. Later, Corn Husk comes looking for her and they finally get their alone time, which Ashley uses to cry AGAIN about Jillian sitting in the hot Tub. HOLY SHIT, GET OVER IT ALREADY!!! Then she stops crying and kisses him violently out of nowhere, all horny-like. He reacts like the puppet that he is, and plays along.
ROSE CEREMONY – FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Host Harrison and Kimmel both give Farmer Dull a pep-talk before the rose ceremony. Kimmel’s advice is stellar. He tells him: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” Harrison’s advice? “Go do your thing.” Brilliant. How does anyone live their life without this guy? He’s like the Maya Angelou of reality television.
The rose ceremony begins. Comments by some of the women to camera include Megan saying for no reason: “I feel so unsafe.” Huh??? Crazy Onion-Girl Ashley with an S, who they havent even MENTIONED this week at all, after making her out to be the biggest nutbag ever last week, gets a rose from Chris, and stares at him in the creepiest way ever. Ashley with an I. initial gets the last rose, and practically faints out of relief. Kimmel comes out and gives Harrison’s usual line: “This is the final rose tonight. Chris – ladies – when you’re ready.” Harrison , holding onto a small shred of dignity, does get to say one line this week, which is: “If you did not get a rose, please say your goodbyes.”
Farmer sends 3 girls home, and I have no clue who two of them even are. The third one is Amber, who goes home because she is black. Nobody will TELL you that, of course, but every single season on this show – they toss in one or two african-americans for the usually white bachelor, and every single season, they are gone somewhere around episode 3. Every. Single. Time. Goodbye Amber. You made it further than most. But he did get rid of your ass on Martin Luther King Day. Cruel. Just cruel.
The last scene was my favorite part of the whole episode. I couldn’t stop laughing. It showed Host Harrison telling Jimmy Kimmel: “Say your final goodbyes.” Kimmel dramatically says “goodbye” to Harrison, then gets in the sad-rejection-limo, as if “eliminated.” He starts to mock-sob from the back of the limo, just like the girls always do after getting eliminated. “I just … I don’t understand. I thought we had a connection. I knew him for FOUR WHOLE DAYS! I just want to find love. Why did he send me home?” The limo driver rolls down the partition and gives him some kleenex. “These are good tissues”, Kimmel says, and he gives one final, achingly loud sob, as the limo drives away.
NEXT WEEK: No clue what happens next week, but I want Jimmy Kimmel on this show the entire season. Please???
What’s going on guys and gals? I’m back at 80% which means that by tomorrow I’ll be back to normal or I’ll be dead, because that’s how my luck works. But enough about tomorrow, let’s talk about today…’s top gaming news!
I NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE MY BED THANKS TO MICROSOFT
MIcrosoft held its Windows 10 event today and revealed what it has in plan for its future OS. There were a number of cool features announced but I don’t get paid to write about Windows (*editor’s note* He doesn’t get paid at all), so what raised my eyes is the integration with the Xbox One. Windows 10 will allow party chat between PC and console players, cross play with certain titles and … wait for it…. wait for it… streaming of Xbox One games to other Windows 10 devices. Picture a world where you can play Sunset Overdrive on your laptop from the comfort of your bed. Actually, we’re friends right? We can be real with each other? Let’s try this again. Imagine a world where you can play Sunset Overdrive on your Windows 10 tablet, with an Xbox One controller FROM THE TOILET! Sold? Yeah, I thought so.
CONSOLE GAMERS AND CHEAPSKATES GET EXCITING ESO NEWS
The Elder Scrolls Online has been given a console release date of June 9th, 2015 as The Elder Scrolls Online: Tamriel Unlimited. Tamriel Unlimited will also release on PCs on March 17th, 2015 and will ditch the monthly subscription model The Elder Scrolls online formerly employed. The new business model will employ optional paid downloadable content and cosmetic/convenience micro-transactions. This is a no-brainer, as additional subscriptions on consoles does not work and the future of PC MMOs is free-to-play.
It looks like Captain America is warring with more than just Iron Man these days. The homegrown hero has turned his sights to the sky and picked a fight with our beloved Andy Dwyer Star-Lord over a silly game of football.
@ChrisEvans OK. Seahawks win you fly yourself to Seattle, visit @seattlechildren hospital as Captain America, waving the 12th man flag. — chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) January 21, 2015
@prattprattpratt I accept. And when the Patriots humiliate your seachickens, I expect Star-Lord to arrive at @chris_haven in a Brady jersey — Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) January 21, 2015
It turns out the phoenix talk was a bit premature last Thursday. Whatever super virus that turned my daughter into a cranky Resident Evil Nemesis around the house, had its second wind and destroyed me. What gave her an uncanny ability to destroy, left me in bed complaining to my wife that she didn’t love me because she wouldn’t buy me ice cream to soothe my sore throat. Now back to the news!
HANDSOME JACK TOO HANDSOME FOR OLD GEN CONSOLES
Gearbox announced that Borderlands 2 and Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel would be getting a next-gen port in the form of the Borderlands: Handsome Collection. The next gen ports are coming to the Playstation 4 and Xbox One in North America on March 24, 2015. Finally console owners who may have missed these titles will have the opportunity to experience the story of Pandora’s greatest hero, Handsome Jack! There is also a special collector’s edition that includes a remote-controlled Claptrap, for $399.(You know, in case you wanted a game that cost more than the Xbox One currently does.)
NINTENDO SHUTS THE PARTY DOWN AND CLOSES CLUB NINTENDO
For those unfamiliar with the program, Club Nintendo is a rewards loyalty program where redeeming codes found within Nintendo products and taking surveys (so many surveys) earned you coins. You could then redeem these coins for both digital and physical goodies. What’s that you say? This is the first time you’ve heard of Club Nintendo? Sounds about right. Nintendo is closing its rewards program on July 1st, 2015 and planning to announcing a new program in the future. Until then, Nintendo has outlined how it will be winding down on its website. Here’s to hoping the new program is marketed better and involves less surveys.
MICROSFT GIVES ORI AND THE BLIND FOREST GETS RELEASE DATE!!!!!!! (AND TWO OTHER TITLES)
The Xbox 360 had an amazing library of games, and some of its best titles could be found on Xbox Live Arcade. Before the “games are games no matter how big they are” philosophy became the norm, Microsoft would curate a selection of Xbox Live Arcade titles and showcase them in their Summer of Arcade promotion. While Summer of Arcade is no more, the announcement today of release dates for ScreamRide (March 5th), Ori and The Blind Forest (March 11th) and State of Decay: Year-One Survival Edition (April 28th) brings me back to the good old days of a few years ago. Don’t let the snark in my headline fool you, I am very excited about all three of these games but I am undeniably, unbelievably, unreasonably excited for Ori and The Blind Forest.
The New England Patriots are in the news today because of allegations of using deflated balls after their blowout win against the Indianapolis Colts. Tom Brady would like to remind everyone that he is still married to Giselle, so his balls are properly inflated. (ESPN)
Lego may have spoiled some of the Avengers: Age of Ultron plot with their new Lego sets and they’re not even sorry. (Gizmodo)
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, sometimes I wish I could easily get rid of all these people I follow on Twitter”? Well, Twindr does just that for you. Make your social media life just like your dating life and swipe left on all those jerks who never followed you back. (Daily Dot)
We all know that Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy is almost as long-winded and unnecessary as the source material, but one fan has taken the bullet for the rest of us and whittled three (lengthy) films down to one four-hour movie. (Kotaku)
The Venture Bros. is returning! FINALLY. It’s only a special, but we’ll take what we can get. (Blastr)
A few weeks ago there was some speculation over the topic of a half-hour Game of Thrones special on HBO, with media outlets referring to it as “mysterious” and “cryptic.” Now the dragon’s out of the bag and–SPOILER ALERT–the special, Game of Thrones: A Day in the Life, will cover the season 5 production team while on set. Neat, but maybe not “cryptic-worthy.” (EW)
Finally, SNL parodied Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads, and while the skit may have gone on too long, I will always love and cherish whenever someone takes a jab at the Baby Biebs.
When FOX’s Glee premiered way back in 2009 it was an undeniable cultural phenomenon. It’s first season was a weekly event that had social media abuzz, lots of laughs, scores of hit songs, and an ability to tap into social issues that were often completely ignored on most major network series. It was hilarious, moving, powerful, and one of the most original things on TV. And then the second season began…
For whatever reason, once the series moved into its subsequent years on the air the creative team behind it seemingly lost the ability to maintain ongoing storylines and character traits. Every once in awhile they would stumble upon an episode that would work on an individual basis but when it came to maintaining any individual elements across multiple episodes the show was a mess. Characters would swap romantic partners, professional ambitions, or just plain vanish at the drop of a dime to a point where you had to wonder if the individual episode writers ever even met to discuss what the plan was.
This creative chaos carried on through season five with only rare examples of clarity breaking through the muck so now we find ourselves three episodes into season six, which has been deemed by FOX to be the last. With only nine episodes remaining until the very end, it is an appropriate time to ask the question, “Is Glee still worth watching at all?” I think at this point most people assume the answer would be no, but after watching the first three hours of this final season I actually have to vote with a resounding YES.
In many ways, setting an end point is actually the best thing that has ever happened to the show. Having only this definitive number of episodes left has seemingly forced creator Ryan Murphy and company into mapping out a clear storyline that can wrap everything up nicely with a focus on consistent characters and believable plot twists.
Gone are the days of trying to balance storylines of the original cast all living in New York City with those of Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison) back in Ohio directing a new batch of students. The series is now back to being centrally located in William McKinley High School with Rachel Berry (Lea MIchele) back in town following an epically failed attempt at a television career in Hollywood. When she learns that Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), now the principal of the high school, has banned all fine arts at the school she decides to take it upon herself to restart the glee club from scratch. Helping her in this task is Kurt (Chris Colfer) who is using the task as his work experience semester at his performing arts college back in New York.
Together, (with a little help from some glee club alumni) Rachel and Kurt have built up a new – but small – group of misfits who can sing their hearts out despite being the so called outcasts of the school.
This new batch of New Directioners won’t have an easy ride to winning their competitions though. Mr. Schuester has since moved on to coach at the much higher quality competing team, Vocal Adrenaline. And resident dreamboat Blaine (Darren Criss) has taken up coaching duties for the famed Dalton Academy Warblers after going through a rough breakup with Kurt and flunking out of college.
And that is pretty much the breadth of the show now – three different glee clubs getting ready to compete against each other in the eventual regional and sectional competitions. Much of the focus is still on the classic setting of William McKinley High but we seem destined to get some good interaction and competition between the groups as the season goes on and the series wraps up.
Other returning characters are also getting their time in their respective limelight like Coach Beiste (Dot Jones) going through a gender reassignment process, Santana (Naya Rivera) and Brittany (Heather Morris) are now engaged, and old Trouty Mouth (Chord Overstreet) is the new football coach at the high school. And even though the show still has a lot of characters with a lot of different wants and needs, they finally all feel of the same piece with a clear endgame in mind.
Now don’t get me wrong – it’s entirely possible that the creative team behind the show could still fumble the ball during the remaining nine episodes, but if these first three are any indication I think we’ll actually be in for a decent farewell to the series. The songs thus far have been great (their “Suddenly Seymour” and “Will You Love Me Tomorrow/Head Over Feet” are particular treats from the first three hours), the writing is refreshingly witty again, and the stories are contained in a way they should have been throughout the entire run.
Glee still isn’t perfect and certainly won’t win over the crowd that has absolutely grown to hate it over the years, but it has corrected many of its wrongs and is setting itself up for a relatively classy and poignant ending. So even though ratings are in the gutter, it’s definitely okay for fans to start coming back to see the show we’ve always wanted to be great end on a high note.
Fox’s Television Critics Association press tour day has started off with an announcement of renewals forthree of their shows.
Fans of Gotham can expect to see series back next year as the Batman origin story continues to perform for the network. The series averaged a 4.2 rating in Adults 18-49 and 10.6 million viewers.
Lee Daniel’s hip-hop drama Empire, averaging 10.3 million viewers and a 5.3 adults 18-49 rating,will also return for a sophomore season after the first two episodes brought in monster ratings for the network.
The New York police station comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine will also be returning for a third season.
Have you nursed your Hayley Atwell crush lately? Sure, you’re watching Agent Carter (YOU BETTER BE), but maybe you need something a smidge more light-hearted? Well, Atwell’s twitter page is full of adorable goodness.
Seriously, if you aren’t watching Agent Carter, you’re dead to me.
Looking for more girl power in your comic books and don’t know where to get started? Let me don a cape and come to your rescue. (Her Story Arc)
If Hermione Granger were the star of Harry Potter: Hermione Granger, The Girl Who Gave Literally Zero Fucks. (Buzzfeed)
Imagine if the Hunger Games characters were on Tinder; I would swipe right on Cressida so hard I’d break a finger. And Johanna. And Finnick. And Haymitch. Basically, anyone but Gale. (Unreality Mag)
NBC is rebooting Heroes and Chuck star, Zachary Levi, is slated to take the lead. It makes me wonder, is there no longer a respectable amount of time between originals and reboots anymore? The Amazing Spider-Man didn’t even wait until Tobey Maguire’s body was cold. (People)
The Wiz and Music Man are vying to be the next NBC musical. Or after Peter Pan LIVE! maybe it’s vying to NOT be the next NBC musical? (USA Today)
In other musical-related news, the producer for Wicked! hopes to have the stage production make its debut on film by 2016. Timelines aside, I need to know who they’ll cast in the two lead roles. Immediately. (Blastr)
Oh, and speaking of Wicked!, former Elphaba, Idina Menzel, will sing the national anthem at Super Bowl XLIX. (SB Nation)
SyFy’s 12 Monkeys debuts tonight and Nicole C. already has her thoughts on the show posted. However, if you’re looking for more, our own Bilal Mian spoke with the showrunner about what viewers can expect from the series. (THR)
“Sharing is not caring, always. They say it is, but guess what? Sometimes, it’s almost murder.” — Wise words from Dax Shepard on having a new baby.
Also, they shouldn’t be allowed to name anymore children.
Sounds like Wisteria Lane is just around the corner after all.
“Desperate Housewives” alum Eva Longoria is making a return to TV, NBC Entertainment chair Bob Greenblatt announced at the network’s Television Critics Association winter press tour in Pasadena, Calif. on Friday. “Telenovela” will be a single-camera comedy centered behind the scenes of a fictional soap, featuring Longoria as a glamorous and demanding diva clinging to the spotlight. Longoria has also signed on to produce, alongside “Cougar Town” EPs Chrissy Pietrosh and Jessica Goldstein, and Universal Television. The deal reportedly came attached with a full 13-episode greenlight if Longoria agreed to star, and a lone pilot order if she didn’t.
The series marks Longoria’s first leading role since “Desperate Housewives,” although the actress has kept plenty busy off-camera since the ABC hit ended in 2012. Her production company, UnbeliEVAble Entertainment, is behind Lifetime’s “Devious Maids,” and is currently developing medical drama “Critical” for NBC and Texas-set political thriller “Pair of Aces” for ABC.
“Telenovela” comes on the heels of The CW’s critical darling “Jane the Virgin,” a self-aware dramedy that nabbed the network’s first-ever Golden Globe last Sunday for star Gina Rodriguez. Based upon a Venezuelan soap, “Jane the Virgin” has kicked off a potential trend for Hispanic-centered series upon which NBC hopes to capitalize.
“I think you’re going to start to see a really big change and we’re ahead of the curve,” NBC Entertainment president Jennifer Salke told reporters. “We’re excited about the idea of looking at an all-Latin cast, so I think you’ll see more of that for sure.”
“Telenovela” is slated for the 2015-2016 season on NBC.
