Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker screen grab
CR: Lucasfilm
“The dead speak!”
These are the opening words that kick off the famous yellow text that scrolls over a field of stars in the very first moments of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. And while those ominous words sound like something out of a horror film they are actually quite adept at describing a now common trait in the Star Wars series where voices from the dead guide our heroes further on their paths. This trope has never been more prominent than it is in this final chapter of the trilogy of trilogies known as The Skywalker Saga.
And to be fair, there has been a lot of death to go around. Throughout nine films we’ve witnessed the toppling of governments, the destruction of planets, the extermination of a religion, and conflicted heroes who turn to the dark side and threaten the galaxy with tyranny and murder. Things got pretty bleak. But throughout it all our heroes have been comforted by the voices of those no longer physically with them and those voices are often front and center here as everything careens toward an epic conclusion. And reader, let me tell you, it was – at times- a beautiful thing.
My days as a Star Wars fan chart back to my childhood where I became obsessed with the original trilogy and devoted every penny I could earn to purchasing an endless array of action figures, books, and games while I anxiously awaited the arrival of the prequel trilogy in theaters. We all know how that panned out but I stuck it out as a fan and have happily embraced the newer films that have been released since Lucasfilm was purchased by Disney. And of course, here is where things get a little tricky. Unlike a large section of hardcore fans out there, I really, really loved The Last Jedi. Almost everything about it felt fresh and exciting in a way that I hadn’t experienced since I the original trilogy so I naturally became a big admirer of Rian Johnson and what he brought to the franchise.
We all like and dislike things for different reasons and there is no right or wrong answer to whether or not a movie is good or bad in the eyes of an individual, but for whatever reason, the people who disliked The Last Jedi became a VERY vocal community online. And in many ways The Rise of Skywalker feels like a knee-jerk reaction to some of the concerns of that community in a way that isn’t disastrous by any means but will come off as disappointing to those who embraced Johnson’s bold choices.
With J.J. Abrams back in the director’s seat after his previous effort at kicking off this trilogy with The Force Awakens (a film often criticized for playing as a soft remake of the original film) we are definitely back in a storytelling mode driven by worship of the original trilogy. And trust me – I get it! Seeing countless nods and winks to the classic films I grew up on is like catnip that makes me giggle, swoon, and tear up. But it’s like a diet that consists entirely of candy – it might make you immensely happy in the moment but never fully satisfies your hunger for something more substantial.
If you haven’t already noticed, I’m trying desperately hard to avoid talking about too many specifics of Skywalker‘s plot because there are certainly plenty of surprises and twists that deserve to be experienced fresh for yourself. What I found most remarkable about the film is just how much Abrams managed to pack into it. If you were hoping for a leisurely-paced story with a lot of time set aside for character-building you’ll find yourself lost in what is truly a scavenger hunt of a movie that moves from place to place, mission to mission, and dramatic confrontation to dramatic confrontation at breakneck speed.
There are plot lines in this film that frankly could have sustained an entire trilogy’s worth of screen time by themselves but here they pop up without much warning and are meant to feel epic and important when they instead just feel routine. For a movie poised to be the culmination of everything we’ve seen before there is an unhealthy amount of stuff introduced for the first time, which leads to lessened emotional impact all around.
And along with new plot lines, Abrams doesn’t shy away from throwing in a whole bunch of new characters for our well-established heroes and villains to interact with along the way. Some of these are welcome additions (droid repair expert Babu Frik being my favorite) while others feel unnecessary and don’t add much of anything to the plot – I’m looking at you, D-O, you adorable thing, you.
The existing cast is back in fine form though with Daisy Ridley leading the way and coming in strong with her best performance yet as Rey. Her storyline is very much the crux of the movie and she has to play a lot of complicated emotions on top of being an absolute badass physically. If she doesn’t go on from Star Wars to become a much bigger star we’ll be much worse off for it.
I’d be remiss to not give a tip of the hat to the work done here with previously unused footage of Carrie Fisher as General Leia Organa. Seeing her on screen again is a wonderful treat and I’ll forever be in awe at how they pulled this off so seamlessly.
Leading up to the release I’ve been the most excited about the return of Billy Dee Williams’ Lando and dammit he did not disappoint. Every bit as charming as he was almost 40 years ago, my only complaint is that we didn’t get him back until this 3rd film.
But Lando isn’t the only original trilogy character back for this final outing. As many trailers and TV spots have already shown, the evil Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) is back and up to no good with a new fleet of ships that – you guessed it – can destroy entire planets. Palpatine has always been a delicious villain but his presence here feels extremely random and slapdash in the void left behind by Kylo Ren killing off Snoke in the last film.
And word of warning to fans of Kelly Marie Tran’s Rose character: she’s all but completely sidelined for this adventure by being relegated to delivering a few lines of exposition here and there, which is a bummer after she was featured so prominently in the previous film.
I understand that a lot of this sounds extremely negative, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still enjoy myself. Everything from seeing the Millennium Falcon blasting away at TIE Fighters to hearing John Williams classic melodies blast through the theater sound system make this a Star Wars movie through and through. And on some level that’s always going to be enough for me. The Rise of Skywalker simply fails at being elegant when we need it to be the most elegant. Less is sometimes so much more and in a film with so much going on there is simply no way to stick the landing perfectly.
Alex Borstein and Rachel Brosnahan star in 'The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel' PC: Amazon
This season of Mrs. Maisel may seem a bit repetitive from season’s past though stick with it. There’s a solid lesson about failure to be had.
Before I begin my review, I want to talk a bit about a subject that’s important to me: failure.
Back in 2014, I was in a slump. My web series I’d written about millennials called ‘Generation Me’ had hit repeated setbacks, and my newly founded production company, ‘Artist Playground’ despite having written script-after-script for, was likewise dead in the water.
The past three years of my life felt like I was drifting just after I sank the boat that was originally going to be my academic career. The worst part was that most of these failures fell on things outside of my control. People I’d threw in my lot with. Don’t get me wrong, I love artists. We’re expressive and emotional sorts, but from my experience, we’re also not the most dependable.
Not until money gets involved anyway.
Now, college never taught me how to handle this situation. In school, you just had to put in the work and eventually, someone would cave in and bequeath your title or degree. And yes, people would drop out, but for the most part, efforts were often merited. Eventually, you got there. Especially, the more tuition money you threw at the problem.
But that’s not the real world.
When you fail at something in life you can’t always salvage the work, change a major, or remind your school that it needs to hit a graduation quota. Depending on the job, the work almost always comes at some sort of a cost and if you’re in the medical field, you might even kill someone.
In the real world, you just fail. You don’t get paid. You don’t win the prize. No participation trophies.
It’s something you have to be okay with that takes experience and time. Most importantly, you must learn from it. As the entertainment industry is filled with paths of failure.
At the time, I asked a friend of mine what to do after my multiple failed ventures. She told me to try and get better at comedy. That all you can do is get better. Be ready for the next opportunity.
So, I put myself out there, and with her suggestions, applied to the Upright Citizens Brigade. The same troupe that trains a lot of the ‘Saturday Night Live’ alumni. I lived close to the city and comedy, due to budgetary constraints, were usually the types of stories I’d already been producing on a microbudget basis. Workshop classes were also cheap in comparison to University or more schooling.
More than anything else they were practical and on my own time.
The class was sketch Comedy 101 and it met up once a week. I figured that I knew how to make a few friends laugh so this venture shouldn’t have been all that hard. My self-deprecating humor worked on people I’d known for years so I’d figured why not try my hand at scripting some.
Now, my classmates came from all different backgrounds and experiences. Most with exposure to some form of performance experience or improv, which was also tremendously popular at UCB. These folks knew how to escalate and pull off the punchline. Stay relevant but also organic. And though I wasn’t the best in the room, I was learning and getting better just by proximity and bouncing ideas around.
The sketches I’d ended up writing were at best, okay. They proved to be more rip-offs and referential anecdotes than anything else. I’d written a parody of Sherlock Holmes looking to find out who killed Tywin Lannister from Game of Thrones, only to find out that it was George RR Martin (Since he loved killing your favorite things). Which I thought was very hilarious, but realized much later, wasn’t a joke as much as it is a statement. One that wasn’t all that inclusive to the audience… let alone, funny.
I’d also written a bit about a child playing with their feces and a ‘never-no’ parent who absolutely let it happen. Partially, because the child learnt it while accidentally walking in on mommy and daddy (which was my button, or high-point of the sketch). I’ll admit that bit was an absolute rip-off of an episode of ‘The League’ though with a lot dirtier jokes. Which to me and maybe ¼ of my class, found funny.
I’d also written a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball sketch parodying a set of popular bud light commercials at the time and an odd experience about what it would be like if you had the most polite and nicest taxi cab driver in the world… and how strange that would be in New York City.
Again, these jokes were pulling from things that had already been done before. And looking back, my problem was that rather than being in my own skin, dealing with my shit, and coming up with an original idea… I just googled and watched my favorite comedies. Poked fun at the things everyone else found funny with my own silly twists because I found them funny.
I recycled what I was comfortable with, which in my opinion, is not how you build comedy. It is though, notoriously good for academic research, which is something that took years to undo in that type of thinking. A few weeks into the class I realized sketch wasn’t for me. Mostly, because I couldn’t come up with an original idea in my head.
I didn’t know how to be comfortable with myself, and as a result, was too afraid of pitching an original comedic idea. It’s something I’m still very much working at.
But in the end, it was a good class and I learned a lot about format and structure and how to escalate tension for the sake of the joke. But for me, I wanted something more. I wanted the comedy tied together with the story, which wasn’t the point of sketch, as I’d learned the hard way.
But I’m happy I tried anyway.
I’m telling you all this because this is what this season’s ‘Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ is all about: the vulnerability and admirability about taking the stage and finding the funny in the uncomfortable. How being a star in the spotlight means to be poked and prodded, bruised and broken… all while laughing about your own miserable flaws and fetishisms, like the soft furry handcuffs under the bed, or what you really did with that partially unscrewed jar of peanut butter everyone in the house has been using…
Okay, that was a joke. One of my jokes. Again, I’m not the best at this.
The point is, in Stand-Up comedy, you become both the product and the punchline. It’s not something everyone can easily embrace, as it’s a degree of vulnerability that’s oddly sympathetic but also, pathetic, and eerily funny.
So, when you’ve got a budding career going in entertainment, like Mrs. Maisel does in comedy, and everything is going right like how it does this season… there can always be hiccups, cancellations, or unforeseeable failures. Which hurts all that much more when you’re the product.
Because it feels like a complete failure of you as a person. And given everything built-up this season, it’s a pretty heavy loss that the show skillfully pulls the rug from underneath.
And I, as well anyone in entertainment, will tell you, having been through it: it’s hell. It’s hard to exist when despite your successes the other shoe can drop at any moment.
Review
Rachel Brosnahan in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Episode: Strike Up the Band. PC: Amazon
This season sees Midge on tour opening for Shy Baldwin. First at the USO show, and then at several locations on tour; Vegas and Florida, being the most important. Its unfamiliar grounds but Midge shakily adapts to her new role thanks to a lot of advice from new friends. As Shy’s opening comedy act, she slowly eases into a routine to win over the crowd and using her classic charm and wit, wins over the confidence of Shy’s crew and manager. Even, by midseason, becoming one of Shy’s personal confidants herself. Almost everyone sees Midge’s future on the horizon. It’s just a matter of when.
There is also a sweet meetup between her and Lenny Bruce, the acclaimed comedy legend whose life as we know, ended from overdose in the 1960s. In arguably the best episode of the season, while in Florida, the two have a sentimental meeting. She asks how well her performance was, and he acknowledges her skills, while also bringing her on as a guest on a late-night TV show meant for the ‘coolest in town’, followed by a late-night out on the town, implying the two really should be more than just friends.
Though all is not perfect. Midge struggles with life on the road, her relationship with Joel, and her parents, who are now apartmentless and somewhat bottoming out and figuring themselves out as well. Especially, once her mother Rose, rejects income from her sexist family’s trust fund – essentially cutting off what’s revealed to be the family’s primary means and source of luxury (Because there was no way Abe afforded a five-bedroom apartment, maid, and furnishings of that lavish lifestyle on a professor’s salary). But through it all, Midge rises above, in typical Midge Maisel fashion. She even puts in a conscientious effort into buying back her old apartment.
Alex Borstein, Rachel Brosnahan, in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Episode: Marvelous Radio. PC: Amazon
Susie, on the other hand, has a bit more of a rocky relationship with Midge this season. She gets a big opportunity to represent Sophie Lennon, the comedian who hates Midge but has established an empire for herself based on her comedic yokel character. When Sophie doubles down on having Susie as her manager, Susie juggles balancing her established new client and Midge, especially when Sophie demands to be taken more seriously as an actor. She goes all out for Sophie, getting her a private stage on Broadway, a team of producers, a co-leading actor (Gary Elwes, who is fantastic this season) and the lead in ‘Miss Julie’. It’s all fantastic and seems like a next break in her career, until Sophie gets cold feet and ruins her own act, breaking down and segueing into her usual standup routine, essentially ruining everything about the play and those who put the effort into helping her; in what’s easily the cringiest moment of this season. Susie also, while in Vegas, develops a gambling addiction that gets severely out of hand and learns a thing or two from Shy Baldwin’s manager. Then deals with a personal family issue.
Abe, now unemployed and having to give up his Colombia University apartment, tries to remember who he used to be before falling into the academic grind. He soon finds himself with a bunch of do-gooder communists rebelling in the 60s for the sake of… well, just rebelling. Together, they fail at starting a modern paper, and so Abe visits a former friend and communist playwright, Asher Friedman (Jason Alexander). Abe, still feeling like he needs a sense of purpose, writes a critique of his friend’s poor treatment in Broadway and having lost everything, and gets his article published in the New York Times. His accomplishment, something which he brings up to everyone, believing the written word can change the world.
Joel, meanwhile, agrees to divorce Midge despite their random hook-up in last year’s season finale. He embraces the life of being their children’s dad while setting up a potential nightclub in Chinatown, where he discovers some shady dealings going on below his club: an illegal Chinese Casino. He then befriends and later starts dating, one of the locals, a medical student named Mei. She helps him get his liquor license approved, and despite their hiccups about how he doesn’t want a woman’s help, he sort of absolutely needs both hers and Midge’s later on in the season. All for a cute arc seeing Joel somewhat have a life despite still being very much in love with Midge.
Which brings us to the point. Originally, this season is all hunky-dory and mostly happy. Sure, there’s a struggle and fun ways to see how the family get by, but for the most part, little is on the line, the family gets a plethora of connections and second chances, and many, have claimed that they found this season a little bit boring; or perhaps, just the usual servings of what we’ve already seen in the show. Many reviews say that this season was a non-risky season.
And to that, I call out your critique and say: bullshit. The early lightheartedness is sort of the point of the season. Because by the final episode, we see Midge open at the Apollo moments before a famous black comedian, Moms Mabley (Wanda Sykes) kills at her set. It’s only then, at this moment, do we really address the elephant that’s been staring us in the room. That despite being a Jewish Woman, in the end, Midge is blatantly white. She’s taken another black comedian’s spot at the Apollo, as well as what could’ve been another black artist’s spot-on Shy Baldwin’s tour. Freaking out about this realization, what does Reggie, Shy Baldwin’s manager and longtime friend to both Midge and Susie this season suggest?
Make the routine all about Shy because this is his hometown and they love the boy. Which works… except for the jabs Midge playfully pokes at Shy’s homosexuality, revealed to her in confidence, during a telling episode midseason discussing this very theme:
The artist is the product.
And despite everything being perfect, despite the jokes being rather soft lobs… Shy doesn’t want anything of it, knowing his career is on the line if it came out (this is the 60s). He fires Midge at the very last scene, over something his own manager suggested and will never admit to suggesting. And it’s heartbreaking because everything built-up has been this dream. The opportunity to be a big star: Christmas special, steady income, and live TV set… ruined, by one action.
And when you really look at it, the end of this season technically makes this the season Midge loses just about everything. No trust fund money, no apartment, no actual money, still blacklisted in NYC by Sophie Lennon, a family who is now scraping by, and worst of all: no future job prospects.
When you sort through the fallout it’s actually really bad. All because the Maisel family pursued their ideals and were met by nothing but broken promises and bitter hearts. Though, at least Abe and Rose have something going for them in their new careers/ventures.
Final Thoughts
Despite some rehashing on familiar territory, I believe that the series takes its next natural step. Moving forward while stumbling backward. Showcasing that sometimes failure comes with success, all while taking the unjust fall.
Because that’s showbusiness. And it gets dirty.
You can watch ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Season Three on Amazon Prime right now
For a video game about exploration and adventure, there’s an awful lot of young adults roleplaying and switching
Look, nobody expected ‘Jumanji: Welcome to The Jungle’ to be the near billion-dollar success that it was. Especially, when up against ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’, ‘The Greatest Showman’, and the final ‘Pitch Perfect’ movie — all films promised to be box office darlings, to say the least.
So when it happened, and the movie was a huge success, director Jake Kasdan, ironically the son of Lawrence Kasdan (Co-Writer of ‘The Empire Strikes Back’), was pressured by studios (and whispers of sweet promises of money) to highly consider making a sequel.
And here we are: ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’
Now, the original story followed the lives of four very different teens in a breakfast club-like scenario. They pop-in a game, aptly titled Jumanji, and are forced to inhabit different player avatars who are vastly different from their real-life personalities; getting to know it’s like to be somebody else.
It also helped that said avatars, just happened to be four of Hollywood’s most bankable A-listers at the time: Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan, and Jack Black. In the end, people are rescued from being stuck in the game, lessons of empathy are learned, and new lifelong friends from different circles are made — all for a solid young adult-themed adventure story that’s Hallmark movie quality on message, but a fantastic film when it comes to being fun.
Now, what’s entertaining about ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’ is a lot of the same as the original. However, it also tries a unique take on the Freaky Friday approach. This time around, the film doesn’t just place these heroes in bodies they need to awkwardly figure out (as they did that in the first movie already) but fully embraces the idea of body swapping, which at times, feels almost like superheroes coming together — by fully embracing and accepting themselves and their best-suited avatars. All through the power of friendship, getting to know oneself, and most importantly: the other person.
Not only is it a different approach, but it also delivers a lot more on the comedy. Especially, when embracing the Danny DeVito impersonations, featured heavily throughout this film by both The Rock and newcomer actress Awkwafina, who utterly knocks her role as gang’s ‘thief’ out of the park. She also wittingly gets to play both the main character and Danny DeVito’s avatar, showcasing a surprising but hilarious bit of range, and I’ll admit, the role swaps were some of my favorite funny bits in this movie.
On top of that, the adventure takes us into different climates and diverse locations. Less jungle setting and more Game of Thrones, especially evoked when we realize the villain this time around is Sandor Clegane himself, actor Rory McCann.
Our inciting incident is that Spencer (Alex Wolff) has reentered Jumanji and needs to be rescued by his friends. Joining them this time around are Spencer’s grandpa Eddie (Danny DeVito) and his ex-friend and former business partner, Milo (Danny Glover).
Fans of the first film should also be happy to hear that both Colin Hanks and Nick Jonas will be returning as Alex. Though in a lesser but still heavily featured role.
The best part about the film is, of course, the Jumanji videogame adventure. This includes the wild chase scenes, dangerous animal threats, and Karen Gillan’s still ever-present midriff. Her sex appeal and objectification, still being justified by her general kick-ass persona. Which is doubled down in this movie.
Now, as a huge Karen Gillan fan, of whom I’ve crushed on since her Doctor Who days, I’ll admit her wardrobe is distracting but also incredibly sexy, so I’m biased in stating this opinion: That she plays such a huge role in this film, so much so, that she’s arguably the actual main character. Her journey is more self-actualized and she’s very often in this one: the group leader. She is also, rationally given more clothing during the winter levels and of all the characters, embraces the idea of the growth.
So overall, kudos to Karen Gillan.
Newcomers DeVito and Glover very much slay it in this movie as well. Providing great bits relatable to the Boomer generation, but also, just general moments of character-driven and unapologetic hilarity. And finally, Awkwafina, also does a rather excellent job in her various roles especially given that she’s not only a new character but is also technically playing multiple people — of which I found nothing shy of delightful
The worst part of the film is how somewhat forgettable and mediocre the story is. Though honestly, I can’t even tell you the plot of the first movie and mediocre scripts don’t necessarily detract from Hollywood movies that can be entertaining. Atop of this, the stakes were undeniably low, and nothing felt all too risky or dire, though I don’t think this is a movie meant to be more than popcorn fun.
Final Thoughts
It’s a fun and safe movie great to watch with the family this holiday season. With just enough character arcs and a whole lot of fun adventures seeing what these Avatars respectively do best.
7/10 Story
9/10 Entertainment
8/10 Overall
You Can Watch ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’ in Theatres Right Now
It’s the episode we’ve been waiting for, for ten years: Michael (Jake Abel pulling double duty as the favorite son and the forgotten Winchester, er…Milligan) is finally back – and no, I’m not counting stupid Apocalypse Michael (though I appreciated the “what-if” fulfillment of seeing Michael inhabit his true vessel). This is our world’s Michael, who was a pretty prominent player between seasons 4 and 5 (where he was played by Matt Cohen as the possessed papa Winchester), and then never heard from after that. And I gotta say, it was worth the wait.
In just the way that seeing Lilith unencumbered was richly enjoyable, seeing Michael destroy her with a look was unimaginably amazing. This kid is power, and don’t forget, he’s the last standing Archangel (considering he was also the first Archangel he actually fits that whole “I am the Alpha and the Omega” when it comes to Archangels). Which is vaguely depressing only because I really want Gabriel to not be dead, but, until he shows up again, we’ve got old Adam. Oh yes…
Adam is the second half of this more than miraculous long-awaited appearance, because you see, unlike stupid shitty Apocalypse Michael, “cuckoo-bananas” Michael lets his host drive. And, I gotta say, both Adam and Michael seem surprisingly uncrazy given how often they are referenced as being nuts. Perhaps that’s because to the outside, normal, human observer, the man talks to himself constantly, but given anyone from Heaven’s knowledge of possession shouldn’t they have more of an understanding of that kind of behavior? Or, perhaps it’s because it’s been ten years – that’s a good chunk of time to work things out, not to mention that Adam was host to the righteous brother, not the sadistic one. Sam being trapped in the cage with Lucifer for ten years would definitely end badly, but Adam trapped with Michael? I mean…you know Michael is supposed to be the good brother, right? Technically, when Castiel makes this point (that Michael is supposed to be crazy, not that he’s the “good” brother), Dean’s smart response is that who told them Michael was in this condition? Lucifer and Chuck, not the most reliable sources (for some reason I recall Gabriel making a similar comment about Michael, but I could be misremembering, it’s more likely Lucifer was telling the same tale to Gabriel).
Either way, Michael and Adam are not in such a bad way. And they deserve a big chunk of this review so let’s run down the points of this episode quickly, yes?
Tonight’s mid-season finale (which is a bit of a misnomer considering the season is 20 episodes long and this is only episode 8) starts with terrifying reminder that God is petty and vengeful. He’s gone old testament, just straight murdering people for…the fun of it? Not entirely sure.
After the opening title graphics, we see Eileen on a hunt; she can hold her own, but she left without telling anyone and Sam follows her because he’s worried (and very obviously wants to get with her), later, in the bunker, Dean presents a plan to beat God. They enlist the aid of Donatello who is none too eager to go reading the demon tablet again (what with it driving him batshit last time), but he does the boys a solid anyway. It somewhat bites him in the ass when God takes control and talks through him Independence style, warning the boys to back-off or he’ll go after the ones they love. This gets ignored, of course, and thanks to a spell by Rowena the team travels to hell to find Michael. Speaking of Rowena…
Our dearly departed followed in her son’s footsteps grasping the scepter right quick to become Queen of Hell. This saves our heroes from being straight murdered by Hell’s welcoming committee (three kick-ass ladies who damn near kill them), and, following some heartfelt words and devious quips, it turns out the trip was for nothing: Michael isn’t in Hell.
Where is he? In true Supernatural style he’s in a diner eating a burger and fries (which fans will recall is the meal Heaven used to try and sweet talk Dean into hosting Michael). As I mentioned earlier Lilith shows up to bring the prodigal son home but fails when Michael straight smites her with a look! I audibly cheered at this – no shame. It’s a pity to lose Lilith so soon, but 1. God can just bring her back again and 2. This gives Michael another opportunity to display his awesome power when he finger-snaps everyone in the diner into just forgetting anything weird happened.
The release of power required to kill a demon of Lilith’s level puts Michael on Donnie’s radar – which prompts him to call Dean with the location. Since there’s no way they can get to the angel before he jumps locations again, Cass prays to him. It works, as does the subterfuge to trap Michael in angel fire (why do the Archangels keep falling for the ring of fire trap???), I was hoping he’d put on a show of power the way Raphael did when he got trapped but no such luck. Michael takes it surprisingly well, which is the running gag in this episode.
Michael/Adam take everything surprisingly well. Like, insanely well. And yes, I meant to use that exact word. We were promised a looney bins Archangel, instead we get a ridiculously reasonable albeit somewhat stuffy soldier of dad – or, conversely, the just-happy-to-be-out-of-hell son of John. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this episode for the most part. I could give a shit about the weird hunter side story that drags Sam and Eileen away (more on that shortly), rather I choose to focus on the Michael/Adam dynamic as it relates to each other, the Winchesters (not nearly enough), and Castiel (also not much). So, essentially, just the Michael/Adam dynamic.
Adam almost presents as a patient suffering from DID, or, as it appears upon first view, schizophrenia. He sits at a diner biting into a burger when we hear a voice telling him to think twice on his meal choice – but instead of him being alone at the booth, Michael sits across from him (this is where Matt Cohen playing Michael would have been helpful) – part imaginary friend, part completely different personality sharing a body with him. DID used to be seen as possession, and it’s not hard to see why. Just like clinical cases of the disorder, Michael and Adam seem to change driver’s seats when under duress. Though in the case of Michael taking over it plays like the angel isn’t comfortable with human emotions. It’s an interesting interpretation of how our world’s Michael might treat his vessel – not as a beast of burden under his command, but as a kind of kindred spirit (in the diner we learn these two have a good amount in common, a conversation they have clearly had before). Dean is amazed by this, but Adam explains that they were trapped in the cage for ten years, you can work a lot of things out in ten years.
I feel bad that Michael’s world view is shattered by Castiel, but our favorite angel knows the importance of information by this point and decides that despite the risk, Michael deserves the truth. It does the job and the lost boy provides team free will with the spell they need to trap God (we’ve settled on not killing him since a: he’s God, and b: if you destroy God there’s a good chance you destroy all of existence), but it also results in him leaving (though not before opening a rift to purgatory where Dean and Castiel need to go in order to get the final ingredient for the God sealing spell). On the bright side, Dean does finally get to apologize – which is weirdly the only thing Adam wanted this whole time (granted, he tells Michael he in no way forgives his brothers, yet still trusts them enough to defend their position to the angel within).
Overall, I loved this episode. I wasn’t a huge fan of the hunter red-herring with Eileen, where she rebels a bit against Sam’s overprotection but not to the point of stupidity. While she could have left the bunker, sans note, and helped out the other hunter with her vamp issue, Eileen does the responsible thing and calls in Sam for reinforcement. The twist is that there was no hunter, or vamps, it was Chuck luring Eileen out and getting Sam as a bonus – keep in mind God warned the boys against employing Michael. Now, Dean has no idea Chuck’s got his brother and the deaf hunter, as far as he and Cass know today was a win…will that be true in Jan when the show returns?
Tonight’s Supernatural introduces an old friend of Dean Winchester’s, deals outright with Sam’s God injury, and reinstates Cass as the cock-block of team Free-Will.
Last episode we had Dean holding down the fort while Sam went out on a mission that resulted in the resurrection of a fellow hunter. Tonight, we see Sam hold down the fort while Dean takes a little road trip to Texas in order to…feel better? Dean’s been very weird this season. Sam is fairly consistent, holding out hope that Chuck can be defeated, and their lives can be salvaged, but Dean. Well, Dean’s been all over the place. First, he’s all for the fight, then he gets depressed because God’s back pulling the strings, and tonight he’s feeling feisty again. Though, his run-in with a former friend might send him right back to his blue period.
The episode starts off with a girl tied to a chair in a basement. Someone’s hooked up an IV line and her blood is flowing into a cage. We learn that the cage harbors a creature that, if fed, will treat its captor to riches and health. While I’m not entirely sure we’ve covered this kind of monster on the show before, the show clearly believes we have because we don’t even get a name for it. Instead, we get a brief view of it by our victim, and later a tease of it escaping when Dean is taken prisoner. We also get to see its swamp-monster-esque decapitated head, care of Dean.
Meanwhile, back at the bunker, in their efforts to find Chuck and/or Lilith, Sam and Eileen are getting closer (to each other). They apparently got drunk in celebration of her coming back to life, and Dean is pretty convinced they are gonna get busy, but of course Cass totally cock-blocks them by arriving unannounced just as they’re about to kiss. Ah well, the revirgination of Sam Winchester continues. For a show about two single guys (three if you count Cass) there is not a lot of sex. I do believe this is potentially because it’s centered around two men, and sex is generally a selling point for female leads but I could be wrong. They did get seem to get laid more in the earlier seasons…ANYWAY…
Cass believes that Sam’s wound can provide them with a location on Chuck, but his efforts to use that connection backfire and Sam winds up in the “he’s dying” camp again. Eileen is none too pleased (can’t bang a dead guy…well, you can it’s just…a whole thing) but Cass has someone he can call for help. Sergei (Dimitri Vantis) is a shaman first introduced last season, he reminds me of the collector villain in The Venture Bros (Augustus St. Cloud), mostly due to his laissez-faire attitude. I’m not a big fan of him, and this episode is no different. He shows up, “helps” Sam, threatens Cass, gets threatened by Cass, and then actually helps Sam. In the end all we really get is the revelation that Sam now knows they’ve got a shot at beating God.
Some things to point out this episode:
Much like the first couple of this season’s episodes, I’m not a huge fan of this one. The “hunter” stories are getting VERY predictable in their “monkey’s-paw” style twists. Oh, here’s a pair of werewolf brothers who, surprise! Have to kill each other in order to save the world from them. Oh, here’s a vampire teen who, surprise! Has to let himself be killed in order to save the world from himself. It’s been a lot of “Hey, look Sam and Dean, you guys need to die for the world to survive!” We get it. I’m not sure if the heavy-handed nature is on purpose because it’s supposed to be Chuck telling the story, but even before our deranged God got his groove back the b-plots weren’t the best.
Enter Leo Webb (played by veteran character actor and multi-hyphenate Christian Kane) a former hunter who quit the biz after some shit went down in Arizona. He looks to be doing well, got himself a bar, named it “Swayze’s” – and yes, some Roadhouse shenanigans ensue – plays music every night, everything’s coming up Milhouse! Naturally, Dean discovers Leo is getting all his good fortune by feeding a monster in his basement. They have a good chat about it, and Dean gets to sounding a lot like John McClain in Die Hard: Live Free or Die Hard. Leo’s argument is that after all the shit in the world, after all the people they’ve saved, don’t the hunters deserve some good? Haven’t they earned a reward? And, since the world is unlikely to give it to them, why not take it? Dean inevitably kills his friend, but I want to focus on his words.
It’s a fair argument. The world is an unfair place, many people who do incredible good in it will never get any recognition, thanks, or reward. Morally speaking, if you’re truly altruistic in your actions it means you expect no thanks, or recognition, or reward, you simply do right because it is right. But, Supernatural is in the unique position to ask this question. See, Sam and Dean not only do good, get recognition, and on occasion thanks, they have, once they learned about the existence of God and Angels and Heaven, have the potential for a real reward. It’s an interesting twist that God and the Angels don’t often mention rewards for doing good in the Supernatural world. In fact, it almost never comes up. You know what does? Obedience. That’s right. In this universe the religious moral right is quite clear: follow God’s will and you will be rewarded. Not necessarily that you have to do good, or be good, just that you have to be loyal. Loyalty can be extremely morally tricky. God asks Sam and Dean to kill Jack. He commands them. They refuse the order because deep down they realize to kill Jack would be morally wrong, but are they rewarded for this good deed? Nope. God gets pissed and opens up the Earth – leaving the boys to be attacked by “zombies” from Hell. Man, imagine if he’d done that to Abraham – oh, wait, that’s right, Abe was perfectly willing to kill his only son because God told him to.
I’m starting to see a theme for TV Gods. Preacher’s God was petty and bored, angered that his creations didn’t worship him anymore, and Supernatural’s God isn’t looking any better. In fact, in the final season of Preacher we learn that God is trying to end the world so he can start all over again. Sound familiar? I mean, no, Chuck didn’t use the Apocalypse as a means to wipe the slate clean, but he did use it as a distraction while he abandoned ship and went to another world to “get it right” (least that’s what Apocalypse Michael made it sound like).
What will God’s final draft be? Will the Winchesters actually be able to kill him? And, will killing God kill Sam? My guess is yes on that last one. Sergei didn’t get rid of the wound after all, he merely repaired the rubber band (I think? I’ll be honest that shit was not clear).
The world is suffering, and it has been some time now. The environment is near a point of no return. Politics are skewed and directed toward self-interest and misrepresentation. Power is abused.
And entertainment itself, the face of our culture, is reflective of these times… and that view is rather jaded. There’s a lot to be upset, and even hateful, about your fellow human being.
Which is why I stress Hollywood needs more movies like these. Because ‘A Beautiful Day in The Neighborhood’ is none of that. It’s a pure depiction of empathy coming out of a place of nothing but kindness.
The movie follows Esquire columnist Tom Junod (Lloyd Vogel in the movie), a cynical workaholic and neglectful father, who comes from a broken family. Lloyd is a reputed investigatory journalist and gets an assignment to cover a fluff piece on Mr. Rogers as one of America’s Heroes.
Thinking Rogers is a phony or merely character the man puts on, he tries to see why Rogers puts on this persona and surely discovers, that the man was, more-or-less, exactly the person he portrayed on television. Something that had a profound effect on Lloyd and as a result, his family.
The article becomes less of a piece about what made Mr. Rogers so precious, and more of an example of how Fred Rogers influenced people. The journalist, using himself and his own struggles as a prime example.
The film is all about embracing what it’s like to be vulnerable. What it’s like to feel like a child again, but rather than skew away from what makes us afraid in the face of danger, embrace the uncomfortable emotions, process them, and find a way to handle living forwards as our best all-embracing selves.
It’s a highly emotional and beautiful movie and I highly recommend it for any cynics much like myself. Or those who just feel lousy this Holiday season.
This is by far a feel-good movie.
Who is Mr. Rogers?
Mr. Rogers was a man who ran a public access show about his neighborhood for nearly 50 years. Stopping just beyond the new millennium. A former Presbyterian minister turned TV figurehead, who spent a lifetime helping people and caring for others. Because everyone, not only as their best selves but as they were, flaws and all, deserved to be valued. And deserved to be a friend.
His message was clear: we all struggle. We all have these powerful emotions and they’re not always positive. But that’s okay. It’s part of being human. It was all about how and what we did with these emotions, that mattered.
Mr. Rogers valued simplicity, repetition, and silence. Moments to let the audience feel. It was a great method for teaching children compassion and humility. This movie, very much a prime example.
What’s unique in this film is that Rogers himself serves as the hook for the audience in the movie. You want to see him on screen and can’t wait until his next line or moments.
A lot of this is due to Tom Hank’s stellar performance, who not only captured Fred Rogers’ patience and kindness on camera, but embodied the man’s mannerisms, quirks, and wit, becoming the living embodiment of Fred. The lines blurring over who is beloved more.
Hanks is also, oddly enough, a distant sixth cousin of Fred Rogers in real life. Which he’d only learned via Ancestry.com in preparation for this movie.
The Movie was also inspired by the Focus Features documentary ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor?’
Techniques
One of the unique things about the film is its use of puppetry and animation. In classic homage to Fred Rogers, we see a lot of puppets simulating real-life locations and settings, beset within transitions and used for narrative effect.
With special behind the scenes videos of how they utilized the techniques during the credits.
The narration of the film focuses on Mr. Rogers telling the story of Lloyd and his family. It breaks the fourth wall by pretending that Lloyd is the subject of an episode of the movie, giving Fred leeway to openly talk about his friend.
This allows for some intriguing cinematic blending between the real and surreal. With some of the climax of the movie, having Lloyd face his real-life problems and traumatic past, in an almost Mr.Rogers themed devolving psychedelic trip. Though rest assured, no drugs are used in this movie.
Final Thoughts
The only issue I had with the movie is that it can feel a little bit boring early on, though this could also just be because it’s calm Rogers talking for good chunks of the movie, and I always fell asleep to those scenes as a kid as I’m sure a lot of us had.
Still, the message is clear: This movie is a feel-good film about how to deal with your emotions in a healthy way.
9.5/10 all around.
You can watch ‘A Beautiful Day in The Neighborhood’ in theatres right now.
In this episode of ‘Movie Talk’, Jad talks with his friend Rob about ‘The Irishman’. Specifically, their thoughts about the movie, and a bit of detail about the film’s history, special scenes in the movie, the actors, and surprising cameos.
‘The Irishman’ is the latest film directed and produced by acclaimed director Martin Scorsese and written by Steven Zaillian, based on the 2004 novel I Heard You Paint Houses by Charles Brandt. The movie stars acclaimed gangster portraying actors, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, and Joe Pesci. It also features Ray Romano, Bobby Cannavale, Anna Paquin, Stephen Graham, Stephanie Kurtzuba, Jesse Plemons, and Harvey Keitel.
The film follows the true crime story of Frank Sheeran, a truck driver turned hitman involved with the mobster Russell Bufalino and his crime family. Including, the renowned teamster, Jimmy Hoffa.
It had a limited film release in late September and was well-received with many accolades by The National Board of Review and Time Magazine. Both of which, conclusively agreed that this was not only the best film of 2019 but arguably Scorsese’s Magnum Opus, given his A-list casting and that it’s his longest film, with a runtime well over three hours, as well as being Scorsese’s most expensive film to date.
If you saw how your life was going to turn out in twenty plus years, and it wasn’t pretty, would you change your ways?
Tonight’s Prodigal Son is entitled “Silent Night” but it feels more like A Christmas Carol to me.
Say hello to Owen Shannon (Gotham’s Sean Pertwee barely hiding his English accent), a washed-up officer who was once – and still is – obsessed with finding the Surgeon and his accomplice. See, Owen always believed that the Surgeon couldn’t have been working alone. After he was disgraced, his partner (our murder victim for tonight) and lover Ian Turner, dedicated his time and effort to clearing Shannon’s name. This was in fact what got Turner killed – Paul Lazard (aka The Junkyard killer) discovered the old cop was on his track and took care of him.
Now that we got the plot out of the way let’s dig into the real meaning of this Christmas story. Owen Shannon is Malcolm’s ghost of Christmas Future. A man whose life has been ruled and ruined by Martin Whitly and his associate. If Malcolm continues to obsess over his past, especially where it concerns his father, he may well wind up a drunk, ex-cop, who Gil loathes. Paul Lazar, is Malcolm’s ghost of Christmas Past, acting as a bridge to help him learn how he got where he is today. Was it his father’s fault? Was it Paul’s? Or…did Malcolm do this to himself? He laments earlier in the episode that he can’t be with Eve because he feels broken, yet, he has repeatedly said that people are not born broken – that someone breaks them. So, who broke Malcolm? Jessica clearly blames Martin, and Malcolm has pointed the finger at Martin as well, but deep down he worries maybe his theory is wrong. Maybe he was always broken. A view into Paul’s upbringing provides a kind of fun-house mirror version of Malcolm’s. You can see that Paul’s grandmother loves him, deeply, dearly, but her love is destructive, just like Martin’s.
Owen is a frightening spirit in that he not only represents the worse potential for Malcolm’s future, but a manifestation of Malcolm’s self-doubt (possible ghost of Christmas Present?). His lingering suspicion of the Surgeon’s son perfectly reflects Malcolm’s own fears that he is his father’s son in the truest sense of the word. Being able to overcome this, to form even a tentative peaceful relationship with Shannon is that moment when Scrooge realizes he still has hope.
And then, of course, Shannon is killed. Malcolm’s redemption possibility is destroyed. His ghost of Christmas Past is a bloodthirsty Krampus out to drag the kid down into the darkness. Also doesn’t help that the way I saw this his ghosts of Christmas Future and Present were the same guy! But, either way, Malcolm’s Past has him now. It’s up to him to overcome it.
In other news:
Jessica and Gil are DEFINITELY going to bone. Their chemistry isn’t nearly as hot as Jessica and Martin’s, but it also doesn’t require a conjugal visit. Also, also, Gil didn’t kill 24 people.
Ainsley isn’t doing much to dispel my psychopath theory. Her focus is entirely on the piece she did about her infamous father. She shows absolutely no guilt when Jessica points out how the direction of her ambition is insensitive, though in Ainsley’s defense Jessica does have a habit of making everything about her. Like mother like daughter, eh? I wouldn’t, however, classify Jessica as a psychopath. Narcissist? Maybe. Admittedly, she has issues (throwing a shoe at her son’s TV because she doesn’t like what’s on), but the inability to empathize and a pathological need to be on-top aren’t among them. Still, her defense of her actions may come out as decidedly women empowered, but she’s all about her. I suppose on the bright side (since I wasn’t talking about Malcolm does it count as a pun?) it does inspire Jessica to be proactive – albeit while breaking the law.
Colette Swanson (Meagan Good) is in from D.C. and she hates Malcolm. She even tries to turn Dani against him, which doesn’t work because Dani is a solid buddy. From the way Colette and Malcolm exchange hate eyes it’s very obvious they were together. Or…maybe they never got together and that was the problem? I’ll be honest, it’s a little tricky to tell. Though I do give the girl props – she’s probably the only sensible person, realizing that having Malcolm on the case would be a bad idea. Why do shows always let people who are too close to a case be on said case!? Oh right…drama!
Last and never least we learn that J.T’s wife makes him a treat called a “Kringle”. His delivery of this information is amazing (seriously, the actor in no way hams it up or throws it away, it’s just placed out there for the audience to devour).
It’s nearly Thanksgiving and we’re doing something only a couple of websites have done: watch every episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and rank each one.
I’d love to sit here and pontificate about the show’s history and how great it was…but 1) you’ve heard it all before 2) you don’t really wanna sit here and read what I think about the show’s history when so many other people have said what’s already been said and 3) we’ve gotta get going with this thing.
If you still insist on knowing what the hell I’m talking about, feel free to visit the following sites:
If you want to watch episodes with other MSTies, you can visit the following sites.
Club MST3K – This site compiles a full episode guide for the show along with corresponding streaming video of nearly every single episode available online. It also offers a forum to chat with fellow MSTies while you watch. 🙂 Where to See MST3K Episodes – This site does the same thing.
And last, but not least, if you didn’t get to read the previous parts, you can do so here:
There’s a lot of screaming and a lot of skulls in this film but we don’t actually witness a “screaming skull”, per se, something Mike dutifully points out: “I think the title was supposed to be ‘Screaming SEMICOLON Skull’.” It’s actually not a terrible film (if you can get by the abusive, asshole husband angle). It’s just marred, somewhat, by the hokey special effects sequences and a sub-plot where the cast endlessly chases Mickey, the crazy gardener, around the property for half the film, something which fuels the riffing engine for the episode. It’s preceded by the short, “Gumby: Robot Rumpus” which is cute and charming, but also borderline creepy, ending with one of the robot’s heads torn off and placed above Gumby’s garage like a trophy, causing Crow and Servo some severe emotional trauma. “This is worse than SEVEN!” Servo exclaims before he and Crow attempt to engage in “therapy” involving blocks of clay smashing small likenesses of them on a playset with Mike. Solid episode.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: The movie that DARES to graphically depict sometimes seeing peacocks and sometimes not seeing peacocks.
49) 1113 – The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t
(Available on Netflix)
We’ve seen Santa Claus fight martians, work with Merlin, crank up horrifying robotic reindeer and employ children as his labor force. Here, Santa’s on the rocks and needs some rent money to stay afloat up at the North Pole. Yep. Santa rents his place at the North Pole. AND he has a sniveling evil landlord who looks like the real life embodiment of Snidely Whiplash who will pretty much own Santa, lock, stock, and barrel somehow. So, it’s only fitting that Santa’s team assembles like the Avengers to help him! I was GONE when Jonah and the Bots started yelling the kids’ superhero names as they got out of bed to help Santa, one after the other. Riffs like that make episodes magical. The entire premise is just outrageously silly but, considering the other Christmas films we’ve gotten on this show, this is par for the course, as unpleasant as the premise sounds. Some of the best bits come from the weird, arbitrary musical numbers and when Jonah and the Bots pick at the fact that Santa seems so strangely unfamiliar with how to actually be Santa Claus. This is good stuff.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: How did we end up with a Santa with such extreme generalized anxiety disorder?
48) 1202 – Atlantic Rim
(Available on Netflix)
RiffTrax (Mike Nelson’s off-shoot of MST3K with Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy) did a great job with Sharknado and Sharknado 2. After that, any other Asylum feature RiffTrax covered felt gratuitous. So, I really had mixed feelings about MST3K covering Atlantic Rim. You could almost hear Mike Nelson and company assuring Joel that covering an Asylum feature would be a blast. And I suppose it’s fun watching Joel’s company giving it the ol’ heave-ho. It’s not that this movie doesn’t deserve the MST3K treatment…it’s that The Asylum is basically making cheap, shitty movies on purpose and, essentially, this is free advertising for them. It’s not that the other five films aren’t shitty, it’s that films like “Mac and Me” and “Lords of the Deep” had conviction and you could tell some effort was put into the concept of those films. By comparison, the inclusion of “Atlantic Rim” is a bit too corporate for my taste and goes against the charm MST3K offers. That said, the riffing works, though not every joke hits here. The riffs are the funniest when the action is hot. Jonah and the Bots’ treatment of Red’s machismo and veteran actor Graham Greene’s penchant for overusing the phrase “get on the horn” every ten minutes is a riot. If “Mac and Me” had “pretty nice” as the newest addition to MST3K’s ongoing vernacular, you can add Red’s “Ba-boom” and Graham Greene’s “Bull Butter” to the mix. The biggest issue with this episode is that the movie is a brainless, rapid fire mess, something that Crow points out near the end, so the movie really almost ends up making fun of itself and there are moments where the jokes fall flat because they’re less jokes and more casual observations.
The episode also takes a slight step down in quality in terms of the sketches which, while funny, are not as well-conceived as the ones we saw in the first episode: in the first sketch, we get Kinga and Max forcing Jonah and the Bots to produce an impromptu song that’s on par with Season 11’s “Every Country Has a Monster”. What follows is a mess of impromptu lyrics reminiscent of Joel and the Bots’ attempt at the mockery of the song from “Pod People”. The self-deprecation is quite good. The second sketch has the boys on the SOL comparing medal stories in true Broski fashion, a’la the film’s main character Red, and it’s cute but nothing terribly special. I might get beat up for this, but “Atlantic Rim” is not as good as the Season 12 opener, “Mac and Me”. Where the last episode was more composted, “Atlantic Rim” is controlled chaos. — though don’t let that fool you. It’s just a SLIGHT step down from the last episode. The show is still amusing and I had to stop recording some of the best lines purely because there were so many.
BEST RIFF:
(A robot suit fights a CGI monster.)
JONAH: Fun fact: Andy Serkis is playing BOTH of those characters.
47) 1206 – Ator, the Fighting Eagle
(Available on Netflix)
The cast and crew of MST3K has always had balls in that they constantly strive to top themselves. In Season 3, they topped Santa Claus Conquers the Martians with Season 5’s Santa Claus — only to falter when attempting to top the brilliant Mitchell with Final Justice in Season 10. MST3K alumni Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett have attempted to cover some of their older material with new riffs — and mixed results. When Joel Hodgson and company announced they were going to riff the Ator film that came before Season 3’s immortal Cave Dwellers, I was excited…but only cautiously. I’m not saying I am disappointed in “sequel riffing” or attempts at riffing similar material. It’s just that the sophomore efforts are rarely as good as the first attempts.The verdict for Ator, the Fighting Eagle? I can tell you that the riffs are spot on. If Jonah and the Bots were boxers, they come out of the first round, swinging and hitting so many riffs, I actually had to stop recording gems. The humor does have a slight lull near the middle but picks up again moments later. The riffing centers on the ludicrous plotting and tiny budget the filmmakers were working with. The first third of the film is an A+ riff session, especially with the treatment of the weird angle where Ator marries his “sister” who really isn’t his sister. The whole thing is creepy — especially the way Miles O’Keefe leers at the actress playing Sunya. It makes your skin crawl. Anyway, I cannot and will not spoil the rest of the riffing. The absolute classic is Crow’s riff on the Spider God puppet which he dubs “Snufflelantula”, a line so hilarious, I had to pause the show a couple minutes so that I could stop laughing. Ator, the Fighting Eagle is a joy to watch. The riffing is on par with Cave Dwellers (come at me, bros) and proves that the show is timeless.
BEST RIFF:
(A woman breast feeds her baby.)
CROW: Eh…we shouldn’t be watching this…
JONAH: You mean the movie?
CROW: YES!
This was the debut of MST3K on The SyFy Channel and it’s a decent start to that era, if a little awkward due to the massive amount of changes. First, the Brains had to deal with the loss of Trace Beaulieu who had moved on after the final episode on Comedy Central. This means that there was no more Dr. Forrester and that the voice of Crow had to be re-cast. As such, Mary Jo Pehl became the new villain, reprising the role of Pearl Forrester, Clayton’s mother, who vows to continue her son’s cheesy movie experiment. Pearl was thankfully (and deservedly) more fleshed out here. Rather than the whiny, annoying mother figure we saw in Season 7, her character was funnier, even sweet at times — but no less evil. She was also given a more sarcastic bite, too, which was most welcome. The Brains also dubbed writer Bill Corbett the new voice of Crow. Corbett played Crow as more intense, sarcastic, and gruff and, in the beginning, there’s a noticeable lack of puppeteering skills in that the dialogue doesn’t match his mouth movements and he’s a lot more stiff. The color scheme on the SOL stayed largely the same except that the bridge was given a slightly more industrial look. Ambient blue lighting now flooded down onto the performers and a reddish accent was added. Kevin Murphy was cast as “Professor Bobo”, a sentient ape a’la “Planet of the Apes” and Pearl’s second banana. The “Nanites”, microscopic beings who perform various tasks and maintenance on the ship also make their debut here. As for the storyline, it’s revealed that 500 years have passed since “Laserblast”. Mike and the Bots have returned to the SOL from the Edge of the Universe. Crow has changed and doesn’t recognize Mike, yet knows Servo and Gypsy, and Pearl Forrester runs things on Earth with Bobo and his ape colleagues. It’s all very strange…but, then, the show was always aloof in some way. It was also weird that SyFy demanded two things: that Season 8 have a soap opera-esque running storyline (something that was ditched by the beginning of Season 9) and that every single film had to fall within the sci-fi/fantasy genre (something that had been ditched by Season 10). Gone, at this point, were the shorts. We didn’t see another one until Season 9 and, even at that point, we only saw two the entire SyFy run. No more fan letters were read, either, which took away part of the homespun charm of the show. Riff-wise, it’s like old times. While “Revenge of the Creature” (the sequel to the far superior “Creature From the Black Lagoon”) may not be the greatest experiment the show has seen, watching Mike and the Bots take on the movie is like slipping into an old pair of shoes. It does take awhile to get going and doesn’t get truly great until about the middle of the film when the Creature escapes and goes after the woman he adores. The bits about “Chris the Dog” are hilarious and I laughed heartily during a sequence where the Creature tosses an adult man ten feet into a tree which draws genuine laughter from the guys and makes Crow remark that the Creature has “a nice rising fastball”. It’s a fun film to start with and it would get better from here.
BEST RIFF:
(During the film’s climax)
CROW: The disorganized, short-lived, badly-botched, and thoroughly ineffectual “Revenge of the Creature”!
45) 702 – The Brute Man (w/ short: Chicken of Tomorrow)
I had never seen “The Brute Man” up until this project and I’d seen most of the episodes in this series. I thought it would just be another standard episode but it’s far funnier than that. Starting with “Chicken of Tomorrow”, a short about raising chickens so that they can lay eggs — or be cooked and put on a dinner plate for your enjoyment. The bit where one of the female chickens suddenly talks to the short’s narrator is laugh-out-loud hilarious because it’s so unexpected and arbitrary and it produces some genuine laughter from the guys who can’t seem to understand the placement of it, either. This leads right into “The Brute Man” which is about a man named “The Creeper”. He’s huge and deformed and kills people but has a soft spot for a blind girl who can’t see who he is. Again, there’s more genuine laughter to be had here as the guys have a field day with the “creeper” and “creeping” jokes as well as Brute’s own mental thoughts. The general store sequence with the angry old man is priceless. There’s greatness to be had in Season 7 and this is one of the great ones.
BEST RIFF:
(The Brute Man smiles and barely has a mouth opening.)
CROW: Whoa! Does he strain KRILL through his mouth?!
44) 610 – The Violent Years (w/ short: A Young Man’s Fancy)
An Ed Wood-scripted film about a gang of females who terrorize their community. It includes a fairly famous implied rape scene where the gang of girls takes a guy into the woods after tying up his girlfriend and then attempts to have their way with him. All the mayhem (which includes an unintentionally laugh-out-loud hilarious scene where after one of the female gang members shoots at the cops, she actually expresses surprise when the cops actually shoot back — to which Servo remarks, “Those BASTARDS!”) culminates in an extremely hypocritical message about the degradation of societal morals. It’s the perfect companion to the episode’s opening short, “A Young Man’s Fancy” which oozes with subtle undercurrents of sex. The riffing is spot on with both the short and feature even if the sketches aren’t great (Servo’s imitation of Barbra Streisand in “A Star Is Born” is painful to watch, as artsy as it tries to be) but the episode, overall, is a blast.
BEST RIFF:
(Women surround a guy and tie up his girlfriend with the intent on having their way with him.)
CROW: Dr. Forrester has sent us a truly GREAT movie!
43) 609 – The Skydivers
When “The Skydivers” was first advertised on MST3K, Trace Beaulieu said that it was “worse than Manos”. It’s not that, really. Manos was an entity of sheer filmmaking evil. This is like “The Amazing Colossal Man” without Glenn. It’s a Coleman Francis film and probably the “best” of the few that were showcased on the show, involving murderous happenings at a skydiving school. The guys spend a ton of time making fun of the impossibly dweeby Frankie, the weird promiscuous Suzy and the coffee-happy Beth as well as the cute little prop plane Beth owns, who Mike and the Bots dub “Petey the Plane” and make up a goofy voice for him. The film is wildly uneven and horribly dark and edited shoddily (“Somebody with Attention Deficit Disorder edited this film!” says Crow) and it’s just a strange little movie but not the worst of all-time. The “Industrial Arts” short that comes before it results in some fantastic riffing as well. The sketches are near perfection (the opening “Uranus” jokes are funny despite the sophomoric nature of them) and this is just a great episode.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (as Frankie): I feel like a cheesburger…would you go have sex with the guy at the Jack-in-the-Box?
42) 612 – The Starfighters
“The Starfighters” is nothing more than a commercial for the Air Force, starring such dazzling actors as Sentaor Bob Dornan. Remember “Crash of Moons” and the endless sequences of rockets taking off and landing? Get ready for endless sequences of stock footage of planes bombing objects in the desert and planes re-fueling in mid-flight along with puzzling, surreal sequences of the pilots’ dating lives which actually features an in-depth conversation about the benefits of corn de-tasseling. Many of the jokes revolve around sex and it’s not difficult to see why. The constant shots of fuel hoses trying to enter fueling baskets (and premature shots of fuel shooting out when a hose doesn’t make it) is so unintentionally funny, one might make the same comparison. The real genius is in the sketch work, which features Crow attempting to get his brand-new PC on the Internet, only to have it fight him every single step of the way, the great sketch where Mike and the Bots try to sell “Cowboy Mike’s Own Original Red Hot Ricochet BBQ Sauce” and the supremely beautiful “Servo Academy Men’s Choir” featuring a half dozen Tom Servos singing a gorgeous song that, even as gibberish, is something to behold.
BEST RIFF:
COLONEL: Did you know that flying a plane is like making love?
CROW: Uh, you have to pay?
41) 521 – Santa Claus
I didn’t honestly think it was possible for things to get weirder than the first Santa Claus episode we saw on MST3K. The Brains found a way to prove me wrong. Santa faces off against the Devil. The ACTUAL DEVIL. Santa also has a spy network that rivals Russia in terms of complexity. And Merlin (Yes, THAT Merlin) is one of Santa’s allies. This is as weird as it sounds. Yeah, this is gonna draw comparisons to “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” — but that episode, despite the fame associated with its name and its popularity which is generally associated to the legendary “Patrick Swayze Christmas” sketch. “Santa Claus” has what “Martians” didn’t: consistently funny riffing. It’s not difficult when the guys are given this much ammunition, from Santa’s weird underage (and racist) toy factory to his creepy, wind-up reindeer to the fact that Santa employs child labor to spy on people whenever he wants (with weird-looking gadgets to boot; a giant eye on an extending metal tube?!) to the weird nightmares Pitch, the Devil, makes children have. This movie makes “Martians” look normal.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Why does he have an Air Force Star above his door?!
SERVO: Well, Santa flew 23 missions over North Korea.
MIKE: You don’t say…
40) 1112 – Carnival Magic
(Available on Netflix)
Like “Cry Wilderness” before it, “Carnival Magic” is just one of those films that makes you wonder how far down the IMDB rabbit hole the producers of MST3K are willing to go. It’s not the strangest film the show’s ever featured but it’s certainly an odd film about a carnival in the middle of nowhere and the people who run it and the story revolves around a monkey who can talk and drive and nearly undergoes a procedure where he’s ripped open by a weird doctor who looks like your English professor but sounds like Thurl Ravenscroft. It’s just a goofy production and one that the guys seem at home with. It’s pretty much summed up by Jonah when he sees the director credit during the film’s opening: a great opening joke from Jonah: “Al Adamson is the name Alan Smithee uses when he doesn’t want his name on a film.”
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: Is it me or is this scene supposed to feel like a hopeful autopsy?
39) 904 – Werewolf
In a way, MST3K’s 9th season felt like they were choosing some low-hanging fruit with films like “The Pumaman”, “Hobgoblins”, and “Werewolf”. That isn’t to say “Werewolf” isn’t howlingly funny (see what I did there?), it’s just so ridiculous (a man with the werewolf curse inside him drives WHILE he’s a wolf in a scene where you just laugh your ass off), one almost wonders if it was made this bad on purpose. It’s the story of the discovery of a werewolf skull and the absolute chaos it manages to create with the small Arizona town where this is supposed to take place. Mike and the Bots have a field day with actress Adrianna Miles who has a thick accent and says things like, “Paul…you is a war-wilf?” and it doesn’t even need to be riffed. It wouldn’t be so bad if she would put some conviction behind her lines but she plays Natalie like a wide-eyed zombie who occasionally says something dull. The sketch work is decent with a great opening where Mike think he’s James Lipton from “Inside the Actor’s Studio” and culiminates with “Where O Werewolf”, a song where Mike and the Bots dress in 50’s drag and sing about Mike (or Suzie’s) werewolf beau. It hearkens back to the old MST3K days and that’s most welcome.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: This is very moving…in that I want to MOVE out of the theater IMMEDIATELY.
38) 1204 – The Day Time Ended
(Available on Netflix)
The last time we saw a Charles Band production was the 7th Season Finale, “Laserblast”. And, despite throwing everything but the kitchen sink at the audience If you want evidence that the riffing is a little tighter, look no further than this experiment. The entire light switch sequence is beautifully riffed with Jonah and the Bots taking the pain in stride, sarcastically clapping at the end of the scene, one that, appropriate to the film, has gone absolutely nowhere. Servo’s line about the film’s seemingly lazy nature just before the cut sums it up beautifully: “This whole movie is like the cold open to a Columbo episode.” It is that and more. Other riffs play on Grant’s gruff, somewhat grizzled nature, inventing a running joke in his imaginary love of “Steak Milk” (Grant loves grilling steaks and the joke is that he craves it all the time, infusing it into his night-time glass of milk; it’s funnier than it sounds) and several jokes are made about Jenny, the annoying kid who knows everything but who the adults ignore all the time despite the fact that she keeps saving their butts at every turn. This episode is notable for revealing the fate of Dr. Erhardt who, we were told, went missing at the beginning of Season 2. He’s back to scatter the ashes of (and close the door on) TV’s Frank and Dr. Clayton Forrester, Max’s dad and Kinga’s dad, respectively. Season 12 (and the modern era) really found its rhythm here.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: This whole movie is like the cold open of a Columbo episode.
37) 903 – The Pumaman
The first time I heard the Brains were going to take this movie on, I knew nothing about it other than it sounded like absolute garbage. The funny thing was, in my mind, I pictured some guy in a lame puma costume. How in the hell do you come in below even THOSE expectations? The actual “Puma Man” (pronounced “pew-muh man” by just about everyone in the cast which wimps it down even further) is a dweeby-looking guy wearing a black shirt and Jim Harbaugh-style khaki slacks with a short red cape that only goes down to the middle of his back because I guess they didn’t have the budget for a full cape. Not that it matters anyhow. There’s no improving on the costume, like, at all. And what’s even more amusing are his powers which includes things pumas can do like…fly…and walk through walls. That first one is just tragic because it’s obviously Puma Man against a rear projection screen showing city scapes that move back and forth and not in one specific direction. Picture a child toying around with the dial and you have an idea of what watching it is like. The riffing is strong throughout the episode but gets better by the second half, especially when Puma Man’s hero theme (which sounds like background music for a cable access TV commercial) begins playing and the guys begin singing random things like “We…have got…selection and savings” or “If…you love…the great taste of bacon”. It’s just awesome stuff.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: You know, I have almost no respect for pumas now. I now know that if I ever run into a puma, I could just push it the hell over.
36) 1001 – Soultaker
Ah, “Soultaker”. Not to go Joe Buck on everyone, but HERE’S an episode where you had it all. The SOL is in trouble. Mechanical systems are failing all over the place, Gypsy’s behavior chip is bad and the ship is on its way to burn up in Earth’s atmosphere…all while a mysterious ship monitors the SOL’s status from afar. Things down at Castle Forrester are just as bad: an evil, soul-stealing wraith has descended upon Pearl and her minions and all hope seems lost. How fitting is it that the film in question is “Soultaker”, an 80’s fantasy/horror romp written by the star of the film, Vivian Schilling? It’s not too terrible, but it’s not very good and most of the jokes seem to come at Vivian’s expense. One of my favorite moments is where Zack questions the logic of one of the characters and Natalie (Schilling, in character) acts shocked. Mike’s response is perfect: “Hey, look, you WROTE this crap!” It’s a decently-riffed film, though not wholly memorable in terms of the jokes and there isn’t really a line that produces a good belly laugh. The main attraction is the set of sketches…the ship monitoring the SOL is piloted by none other than Joel Robinson, the original host of the show. And the wraith is none other than TV’s Frank. The banter between Pearl and Frank is wonderful and the first meeting between Mike and Joel warms your heart and feels like a handshake between two enemy superpowers. It just doesn’t get any better than that. My ONLY gripe is that this wasn’t the series finale on SyFy with an ending which saw Joel rescuing Mike and the Bots from their captivity. But you can’t have it all.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO (as Vivian/Natalie writing this moment in the script): “INT: Bedroom. ME, draped across the bed, tousled and tawny. I lay there, hand on my taut tummy, still pretty in a worried sort of way.”
35) 1003 – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders
If The Hallmark Channel began airing flicks about witchcraft and Satan instead of 1000 Christmas flicks, you’d probably have “Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders”, a film about a grandfather who tells bedtime stories to his grandson that involve horrible, evil toy monkeys that spread death and destruction across whole suburban areas. I’m not kidding. The thing kills flies, starts garage fires and then murders the family pet…and this story is something a child should hear? This is something Mike and the Bots point out throughout the film and they SHOULD, for crying outloud. This is one dark story. I mean, a severly depressed and powerless Merlin walking around the city asking people if they’ve “seen his monkey” doesn’t even bring comfort to the proceedings. I couldn’t even make up that last bit if I were on shrooms. A hilarious episode, though. Quite underrated.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO (as little kid): “No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me, please!”
CROW (as Borgnine): “Get out from behind that cushion, Billy, it gets worse!”
34) 706 – Laserblast
The Comedy Central era of MST3K comes to an end with “Laserblast”, a terrible piece of “science fiction” about a kid who finds an alien gun because the aliens who own it are too stupid to simply retrieve it for some reason. Like every other episode in the reduced Season 7, the riffing is solid, taking multiple shots at the fat sheriff with a resemblance to Hank Williams, Jr. (they take turns shouting variations of “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL” nearly every single time he’s on screen) as well as the pacing of the film which is so unbelievably lazy and apathetic, Servo declares that the endless shots of Kathy waiting for Billy is “like watching an aquarium”. But, of course, the reason to watch the episode is to see how the show almost ended. At the time, this was considered “the end” of MST3K as SyFy hadn’t stepped in to save the show just yet. The sketches aren’t wonderful. Mike and the Bots escape burning up in Earth’s atmosphere after Dr. Forrester disconnects the Umbilicus. Due to the ship’s lack of directional capabilities, the SOL is shot into deep space. Along the way, they confront an angry, sentient satellite, run into a field of Space Children (and change one of their diapers) and nearly meet their ends due to a black hole…until Mike, dressed as Captain Janeway, saves them in a hilarious sketch (in which Mike declares that he’s responsible for the “148 crew members aboard this ship…144 of which, we never see”). The show ultimately ends with Mike and the Bots arriving at “The Edge of the Universe” and becoming pure energy while, on Earth, in a homage to “2001: a space odyssey”, Clayton grows older and older and becomes a star child who Pearl has to raise. This would be Trace Beaulieu’s last show as he wouldn’t make the leap to SyFy. From here on out, Bill Corbett, a writer with the show, became the new Crow,
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: These credits give you a chance to finish your popcorn, talk a little…decide to see another movie…
33) 1013 – Diabolik
Here it is, the final episode of the SyFy Channel era, the end of the 10th season and, for all intents and purposes, the show as well, before it was finally brought back to us almost two decades later. The film is Italian and is based on the comic book character of the same name. It’s a fun film, full of energy and silliness and the guys have a fun final romp as they make fun of just how silly the main character is (Mike dubs him “Reverse Racoon Man”) and how over-the-top his hideout is (Servo’s remark about thinking he only needed a nice stereo to get some tail in the 60’s is classic) but the most important thing was how the show ended, especially after fans griped, somewhat, about the pseudo-ending we got with Season 7. Here, Pearl breaks the SOL’s manual control device (a cheap 80’s joystick from Radio Shack) while messing with the ship and inadvertently activates their manual re-entry system, meaning the SOL is coming back to Earth one way or the other. Ultimately, Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy all move out of Castle Forrester, Pearl disconnects the feed to the castle one last time, and the ship crash-lands on Earth…only to find that things haven’t changed much: Mike, Crow and Servo have all moved into an apartment together and watch bad movies on the couch on Saturdays. It’s a wonderful conclusion even if the episode isn’t perfect.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (singing to the 1966 Batman Theme): Dun, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, THIS GUY!!!
32) 1203 – Lords of the Deep
(Available on Netflix)
Before there was The Asylum…there was Roger Corman. Corman, bless his heart, is still alive, 92 years young. He built his entire career on films like this. More than a few of them have been featured on this show. As Max notes, “Lords of the Deep” is NOT, in fact, a rip-off of “The Abyss”. “Deep Star Six” and “Leviathan” ripped off “The Abyss” — and “Lords of the Deep” ripped off those films. So, everything’s all right, guys! What’s more, Corman shamelessly rips off 2001 while he’s at it with the Malevolent AI Computer trope. All while giving us so…many…shots of the high-tech underwater base. MST3K was made for this kind of sci-fi cheese. The riffing on this movie does take some time to get going and really takes off once Claire and O’Neill are established as lovers. The two have absolutely zero chemistry being that Claire is driven and O’Neill is such a beta. That doesn’t stop Jonah and the Bots from unloading on poor O’Neill’s naivete when it comes to their sex lives. The endless and, at times, oddly-placed establishing shots of the underwater base (it’s even on the goddamn POSTER for crying outloud, so the thing is as immortal as The Vampire Lestat) is met in clever fashion: constant references to sitcoms where establishing shots are the norm during transitions. Overall, it’s another solid 12th season outing.
BEST RIFF:
(CLAIRE and O’NEILL get comfortable. CLAIRE lays on top of O’NEILL’S chest and the two attempt to sleep.)
JONAH: You know, in the Kama Sutra, this position goes by a number of names: “The Sleepy Arm”…
CROW: The “No, This Is Fine”…
SERVO: The “What Happened To Us?”…
JONAH: The “Excuse Me While I Get My Phone And Go Into The Bathroom For, Like, Ten Minutes”…
31) 515 – The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (w/ short: Cheating)
Easily, one of the most goofy films MST3K ever did. “The Wild Wild World of Batwoman” attempted to hack off a piece of that sweet Adam West Batman money. There’s some sort of plot involving a “hearing aid” that will allow “Ratfink” (that’s actually the villain’s name; I guess they didn’t want to be TOO subtle here) to listen in on every conversation on the planet. Only “Batwoman” stands in his way. “Batwoman”, by the way, looks like someone’s tried soccer mom (wearing a really weird Dracula/Batperson hybrid costume with a late 80’s Cher-at-the-Oscars peacock headdress) who (VERY) passively makes strange, calm diplomatic deals with her enemies instead of fighting. Be prepared for endless sequences where her “Batgirls” dance, beyond their control, because of a formula which has been specifically invented by the villains to make girls go-go dance. It makes the “Cheating” short that comes before the film look normal. I’m really trying to avoid writing large capsules for each episode…for this one, that isn’t possible. The movie is batshit insane — and it drives Mike and the Bots batshit insane the longer it goes. Most of the humor comes from their weariness and impatience with the film, an act we rarely see because they’re usually not THIS affected by a movie. Servo finally snapping and screaming “EEEEEEEEND!!!” at the movie during the umpteenth go-go dancing scene is as therapeutic as it is well-deserved. What a movie…
This is, without a doubt, the dumbest film ever shown on MST3K. I know the show’s concept is to show bad movies but did we have to get into “USA Up All Night” territory? I mean, watching this film (a bunch of Gremlin/Critter hybrids escape a film set and make idiot teenagers’s fantasies come to life in murderous ways), it’s easy to see that it’s schlock cinema and that he wasn’t into making a serious film here. The riffing is near-perfect as Mike and the Bots range anywhere from complete exasperation (Servo counts at least 30 parking scenes throughout the film) to free-wheeling and relaxed to the point of directly insulting a cardboard cut-out of director Rick Sloane during the end credits. Apparently, Sloane was mostly pleased with the show’s treatment of his film but didn’t like them personally attacking him. To me, the insults directed at him are about as aggressive as a roast and come with the territory. When you produce a film this bad, what else would you expect? It’s all in good fun.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Can we have a law, that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?!
29) 1105 – The Beast of Hollow Mountain
(Available on Netflix)
“The Beast of Hollow Mountain” holds the distinction of being 1) the first film to feature stop-motion special effects in color widescreen format and 2) the first film to ever showcase dinosaurs and cowboys in the same movie — all because the effects artist wanted to do a film about cowboys and dinosaurs. The creature (an Allosaurus) is charming with a long, forked tongue that whips around like a pin flag at Pebble Beach. He’s the best part of an otherwise dull film — and his appearance isn’t until the last 20 minutes of the film. So enjoy an hour or so of cattle negotiations and familial alcoholism. Guy Madison and Patricia Medina end up overplaying their parts, coming across as a manly stereotype and a swooning female stereotype. So, it’s no wonder that the trio have fun going after Jimmy’s deep, manly voice or Sarita’s beauty (which, in the minds of Jonah and the Bots, causes Jimmy to stammer and say stupid things to “impress” her) and the various Mexican characters who are obviously what Americans think Mexicans are and what Mexico is. The movie is lighthearted and fun for the most part so that makes the episode flow well, too.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: Ah! A Gene Simmons-osaurus!
28) 822 – Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
It’s nice to see the late Raul Julia here. He was a great actor. He had an Oscar-worthy supporting role in “Presumed Innocent” with Harrison Ford and brought a smoldering romantic charm to Gomez Addams in “The Addams Family”. This was obviously one of his lesser films, yet you can see how much he tries to bring something to the role of “Aran Fingal” (which Mike points out is so NOT a Puerto Rican name), a man who just wants to enjoy a simple life and not die a workplace drone. This ranking project was the first time I had seen this episode, though I’d heard that it wasn’t a great one due to how tedious and confusing the film was. Imagine my surprise when I found out just how solid this episode was. The sketches are basically crap (the one standout is Pearl singing in a duet with Brain Guy) but the riffing is spot on as Mike and the Bots spare no firepower aiming at the terrible visual effects and a story which, while paying homage to “Casablanca”, makes no sense despite the fact that the intended idea was actually fairly clever and way ahead of its time,
BEST RIFF:
FINGAL: Genius…pure genius…
CROW: …couldn’t save this film.
27) 414 – Tormented
Bert I. Gordon resurfaces yet again with “Tormented”, a film about a guy who sleeps with anything that moves and then murders one of them, only to be haunted by her. The film is dark and the premise is actually fairly spooky. The film is beautifully riffed with the guys hitting dingers over the fence left and right, touching everything from Vi’s goofy haunting bits to Tom’s sleazy, secretive nature to Sandy, Meg’s “little sister” to the beatnik who shows up to find out how Tom and Vi are linked. This is one of the triumphs of an incredibly mixed Season 4 which seems to have seen more duds than hits.
BEST RIFF:
TOM (to his fiance’s little sister): From now on, you’re the only other woman in my life.
JOEL: Put her DOWN, Jerry Lee!
26) 1103 – The Time Travelers
(Available on Netflix)
Ever wanted to go forward in time to an era where mankind has survived the apocalypse and progressed to living in a swag cave with a bunch of nightmarish android slaves, a spa full of naked women and “love machines”? Then “The Time Travelers” is the flick for you! Unfortunately, the halfway compelling nature of the movie serves as a bit of a hindrance to Jonah and the ‘Bots and their riffing. That’s not to say the jokes don’t land or that the episode isn’t funny. It’s fairly solid humor from end to end. The boys get some great belly laughs at the expense of “Danny”, the dorky lab assistant and point out that the movie is considerably upbeat for a post-apocalyptic epic (in the future, there are ORANGES) This may sound like an odd complaint, but I feel like there were too many jokes here. I don’t know how much caffeine the writers and performers ingested before and during filming, but Jonah, Hampton, and Baron are so manic here, it’s like listening to a trio of Robin Williams shouting odd jokes at the screen and it’s slightly off-putting to the point of being annoying. Still, this is funny stuff and Season 11 was really rolling at this point.
BEST RIFF:
STEVE: Date…five, July…’64…time…
JONAH: MILLER!
25) 613 – The Sinister Urge (w/ short: Keeping Clean and Neat)
Had Ed Wood directed “Boogie Nights”, we might have gotten this, His take on the porn industry rivals “Reefer Madness” in terms of ridiculous hyperbole. The riffing is solid here, starting with the perfect companion short in “Keeping Clean and Neat”. What “Young Man’s Fancy” was to “The Violent Years”, this short is to “The Sinister Urge”, poking fun at the highly uncomfortable subject matter of keeping clean. One of the funniest and priceless moments of the episode comes near the end when Gloria attempts to explain to the cops how a dead guy ran away from the scene of the crime. Mike and the Bots’ just lose it here, genuinely laughing at how ridiculous the plotting is and it’s SO good.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: This is the hottest “Petticoat Junction” EVER!
24) 513 – The Brain That Wouldn’t Die
Good-bye, Joel. Hello, Mike. Changes to the show included an entirely new intro sequence, a new hallway sequence before the theater segments and the SOL (and the Mad’s lair which is now officially just “Deep 13”) was altered to kill any reference to “Gizmonics Institute” because of Joel’s ownership of the term. It’s odd not to see Joel greeting us at the beginning of the show but Mike is so easy-going and so effortlessly facetious at times, you can’t help but be taken by him. In other words, the show didn’t suffer from Joel’s departure. In fact, the show had years of laughs left in it at this point. Mike’s maiden voyage into riffing has him crossing paths with “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die”, a staple of midnight B-movie creature features. It’s sufficiently horrible and gruesome, about a man who somehow keeps his wife alive after she’s decapitated following a horrific (and fairly random) car accident by placing her re-animated head in a pan full of fluid and promising her a new, sexier body. Just yuck. The superlative riffing offsets the dark tone of the film and the opening sketch featuring Mike being trained by the ‘Bots to riff on bad movies sets things up rather nicely, giving us one of the funniest non-theater riffs ever: SERVO: Marc Singer walks out in a loin cloth…what do you say? MIKE: “Now I know why the show’s called ‘V’!” So good. The problem is that the rest of the sketches, while clever, aren’t totally great until show writer (and eventual host) Mary Jo Pehl visits the SOL, playing Jan in the Pan, something that even made my Mom laugh — and she isn’t a fan of the show.
BEST RIFF:
(Jan, now without a body, wakes up in the pan and attempts to talk.)
MIKE: Doesn’t she need LUNGS?!
SERVO: No! She’s got neck juice!
23) 319 – War of the Colossal Beast (w/ short: Mr. B Natural)
Ten episodes after “The Amazing Colossal Man”, we get the sequel, also directed by Burt I. Gordon. The riffing isn’t as sharp as on the original film but the episode is buoyed by the legendary short, “Mr. B Natural”, a weird little film about a musically-inclined seemingly androgynous sprite who visits/haunts (depending on your point of view) a young boy and tries to get him into playing live music. It’s well-meaning but as horrifying as it actually sounds. The episode, overall, is still very good, but not the classic that was the original. Using Mr. B to fix that seems like a cheap win.
BEST RIFF:
(Bert I. Gordon’s name appears in the credits. Joel & the Bots cheer.)
SERVO: What does the “I” stand for?
CROW: “I am ashamed.”
22) 418 – Attack of the Eye Creatures
Not to be confused with “The Crawling Eye”, “Attack of the Eye Creatures” is about a bunch of young morons as they deal with an alien creature which is literally made of eyeballs. The film is goofy as hell in the “Catalina Caper” vein and you’d think Joel and the Bots couldn’t add much to it. But, they do. A slew of jokes make fun of the supposed “night” shots where it’s pure daylight outside with foleyed-in crickets which supplies the riff, “I sure hope they don’t get a MOONburn!” The constant creepiness that permeates the flick just adds to a bizarrely funny experience. And it’s not even “creepy” as in “scary creepy”. This is low-budget “Eegah” creepy. Aside from some weak sketch work, it’s so much fun to watch.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: David Lynch only ASPIRES to make something this creepy.
21) 603 – The Dead Talk Back (w/ short: The Selling Wizard)
Imagine a film so goofy, it demands dueling narrators to tell the audience what’s happening. One of them is “Krasker”, a dude who tries to get the murder victims to talk to the living (via a cheap-looking Jiffy Pop container) so that they can tell everyone who murdered them while the other sounds like a hard-boiled detective who just talks whenever he feels like it. It’s so overacted, it removes any sense of creepiness the film attempts to generate. Precursor to this, Mike and the Bots riff on “The Selling Wizard”, a film about the process of selling items people really want. It’s so stone-cold boring, even the riffing can’t save it. Still, it’s all about the main feature which reminds me of the insanely goofy “Attack of the Eye Creatures”. The sketches also have a lot to offer even if you’re not buying the feature, with Crow playing his Jerry Garcia-esque guitar solo throughout the show and the Bots invent a machine which talks to the dead, summoning the likes of Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln…who both call in to argue about whether or not the Bills are returning to the Super Bowl.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Look, we’ve been married for 25 years…at LEAST let me get to second base.
20) 1101 – Reptilicus
(Available on Netflix)
Imagine the glee heard from every MSTie on the planet when Joel Hodgson announced that a new version of MST3K would be in the works — provided his Kickstarter campaign received enough funding. Two months later, Hodgson had nearly $6 million dollars and the fans got a new season. From that moment on, it felt like forever. It only started to become real during Turkey Day 2016 when it was announced that Patton Oswalt would be cast as “TV’s Son of TV’s Frank” and we got to meet the remainder of the cast. Then the release date was announced…then the teaser trailer. It was all coming together. And when it premiered, I felt like a kid at Christmas. Yes, the first episode of the 11th season isn’t without its flaws. Yes, it’s different. Joel may be behind the scenes but the show has been completely overhauled. First, and foremost, the cast is completely different. Jonah Ray plays the new guy, “Jonah Heston” (an obvious nod to Charlton Heston who the cast has referenced more than once with regard to his part in “Planet of the Apes”) while Hampton Yount and Baron Vaughn play Crow and Tom Servo, respectively. Gypsy is played by an actual female voice this time around (Rebecca Hanson) and we have two new mads in Kinga Forrester (Felicia Day), the daughter of Clayton Forrester (and granddaughter of Pearl) while Patton Oswalt rounds out everyone by playing “TV’s Son of TV’s Frank”. It’s not hard to get used to the newbies or the situation. This is the same song done a different way with some upgrades: the hallway sequence is beautifully detailed, the Bots’ arms work (sadly eliminating a long-standing running joke on the show) and the movie now takes up your entire screen and is completely remastered and gorgeous. What’s more, Joel’s fingerprints are all over the show what with the return of the Gizmonics Institute backdrop, the Invention Exchanges, and talky, analytical sketches. The film leading off our Netflix journey is “Reptilicus”, a Danish Kaiju-style monster movie, if you’d believe that. The riffs come hard and fast and Jonah and the Bots are over-the-top in their snarkiness, shooting jokes at the screen, rapid-fire. It feels less natural and more rehearsed and acted out. There’s little breathing time between them (something that gets better as the season progresses) but it has quite a few gems. This is just total fun, the guys just messing around and taking their shots. The sketches are decent. The highlight of the thing is the song “Every Country Has a Monster” which is just a slice of pure brilliance in that it’s the best sketch produced in the new generation AND is one of the greatest songs ever written for the show. The whole thing is like putting on an old piece of clothing you’re comfy with. After all this time, it feels like no time passed.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: They’re obviously dubbing in those screams.
CROW: Why do you say that?
JONAH: The Danes are too polite to scream.
19) 1109 – Yongary
(Available on Netflix)
There’s always something so comfortable about watching a giant monster flick on Mystery Science Theater 3000. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the feel of it: the stilted dubbing, the strangely edited audio and sound effects, the silly musical scoring, the sound of the Monster Children yapping at the monster in the film…everything about giant monster films is just so silly that it melds incredibly well with everything MST3K is. Both are made on the cheap and have conviction in their campy attitude. They’re like brethren, two sides of the same coin where the only difference is that one takes itself semi-seriously and the other has dropped all pretense about being serious. It’s just “home” to me. “Yongary” is everything that was great about MST3K’s treatment of the Sandy Frank films and it’s one of the best episodes of the 11th season of “Mystery Science Theater 3000”. If the monster didn’t already give Jonah and the Bots plenty of ammunition, Icho, the Monster Child, does in spades. From aggravating newlyweds with an “itching gun” (yes, this is a thing that exists in this movie) to shaming single adults into not being married, Icho is this season’s “Johnny” from “Time of the Apes”: he just doesn’t care. There’s also a running riff using popular songs from nearly every decade which just shows the range of intelligence of the writers when it comes to pop culture.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: You know, whereas GODZILLA was a parable about the ravages of nuclear war, YONGARY is a parable about copyright infringement.
18) 703 – Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
“This is one of the most ambitiously bad films we’ve ever done,” says Mike about three quarters of the way through “Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell”, a film in the MST3K roster that’s been compared to “Cave Dwellers” (but is really “Outlaw” with better, tighter riffing), which it rivals in terms of pure incredulousness from the guys. The film has some great riffing, mocking the horrible 80’s-style sword-and-sorcery which includes some awful miscasting and pretentious accents. “Let’s see how long THOSE last”, Crow says of their alleged “native tongue”, in a line that grabs you right off the bat and primes you for a great time the rest of the film. And that’s a good thing because the sketch work, involving an ailing, bed-ridden Pearl shouting “CLAYTON” repeatedly just grates.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: This movie is like playing “Doom” when there’s no monsters or opponents.
17) 1104 – Avalanche
(Available on Netflix)
The first Roger Corman experiment of the 11th season is a piece of 70’s disaster porn that barely has a disaster and doesn’t have the 70’s porn to fall back on. There’s just a love triangle storyline which you’d think would be kinkier than it is, considering the time period…but, no, it’s between an air-headed Mia Farrow, a lecherous, overweight, elderly Rock Hudson (he’d seen MUCH better days than this) and a somehow sexy, yet dull, Robert Forster. I also feel compelled to mention that Steven Franken (“Danny” from “The Time Travelers”) returns here as “McDade”, a character who sounds like he should be sliding across car hoods and jumping into the air firing twin nines with explosions raging in the background. In any case, it takes far too long for the actual “avalanche” to actually happen and, when it does, it’s just footage of emergency services vehicles slipping on icy roads and crashing into nearby buildings while people die horribly out at the ski resort where this whole thing takes place. Many of the jokes tackle the tacky 70’s backdrop (“Is everything BROWN or do I have retina damage?” asks Jonah when he sees the insane amount of wood paneling on walls and lack of color in everyone’s clothing) and the complete lack of any action (“You know, not like I’m complaining but, at this point, Gene Hackman was already halfway through the Poseidon,” Crow complains about halfway through the movie when we get another romantic interlude). The addition of some choice sketches (Neil Patrick Harris cameos as Kinga’s long-distance boyfriend and it’s here we learn that Max has a thing for Kinga as well), this is a fairly solid episode.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: This is like if ‘The Shining’ was booked on Priceline.
16) 908 – The Touch of Satan
I don’t even know how to quantify “The Touch of Satan” (which Servo says “softens your hands while you do the dishes” in a hilarious opening riff) other than to say that it’s strange, hypnotic film that resides somewhere between “The Exorcist” without the shock factor and a 70’s TV drama. The dialogue is so slow and wooden (“This is where the fish lives” is, possibly, one of the strangest, most arbitrary lines ever to be uttered by an actor in the entire history of film) and I’m curious as to who in the hell thought of a “walnut farm” as a suitable horror film setting — if that’s what this was supposed to be. Nonetheless, the guys manage to pull out their best, perfectly timing jokes in between the big rig-sized pauses, riffing on everything from the obtuse and obnoxious use of “Amazing Grace” during horrific shots of women being burned alive (“PublicDomanWeDon’tHaveToPayAThingHaHaHaHa!” Servo quickly sings as the song drones on) to the walnut farming dad’s penchant for putting “peanuts” in his moonshine — but slurring the word “peanuts” juuuust enough to the point where Crow uncomfortably remarks, “Boy, I HOPE he just said ‘peanuts'”, a line that made one of my good friends laugh for so long, we needed to pause the episode so he could catch his breath. This is such an amazing episode and it’s only brought down by weak sketch work that only ever sees its bright spots when Beez McKeever is on-screen as the nanny Pearl hires to watch Bobo and Brain Guy while she’s gone.
BEST RIFF:
(An angry mob carries torches and shouts “BURN THE WITCH” over and over.)
MIKE: Oh, and also, “Go Packers” but, mostly, “Burn the witch”.
15) 1102 – Cry Wilderness
(Available on Netflix)
One of these days, when I write my article about the oddest films MST3K ever riffed, this will be on it. Try to keep up here: a cute little boy named Paul lives in some sort of school/palace/museum for boys. Paul has some sort of weird connection with a Bigfoot (WHICH IS SOMEHOW AN EXHIBIT AT A MUSEUM FOR ANTHROPOLOGICAL NATURE STUDIES even though the guy running the place thinks Bigfoot is phony), who actually wanders by the place, while Paul is sleeping, TO TELL HIM THAT HIS DAD IS IN GREAT DANGER. Yes, Bigfoot (who, incidentally, loves to swill several 24-packs of Coca-Cola at a time) yells arbitrary, creepy shit at Paul in the middle of the night. Still with me? Good. Paul wanders into the woods to find his Dad and his friend, Jim, a Native American man, as they walk through the forest aiming shotguns at anything with four legs and fur, threatening it’s life — only to let it go and promising to “come back for it later”. Seriously. This happens at least a dozen times throughout the movie. And , if you think THAT’S weird…it gets even weirder and, at times, just plain horrifying. In my initial review for the episode, I said that the film was “like ‘Pod People’, ‘Boggy Creek II’ and ‘The Final Sacrifice’ all had a weird little baby and had it wander into Leonard Nimoy’s ‘In Search of Bigfoot’ documentary.” Yep. That’s still a fair assessment. The riffing is out-of-control wonderful here (though the pace and spacing of the jokes are still an issue) as Jonah and the Bots do an admirable job of picking apart the movie on every level from the absurdity of Bigfoot’s weird stalking of a minor to the constant use of stock footage of the animals to the fact that foleyed-in “ricochet” sound effects don’t apply to tranquilizer darts. This is proof that it didn’t take long for the new generation of MST3K to produce something great.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Paul’s been out of school six months now, so he’ll probably have to repeat, like, three grades?
14) 510 – The Painted Hills (w/ short: Body Care and Grooming)
MST3K does a western starring Lassie (you remember that dog) as “Shep”, a canine who must protect a boy from a grizzled, murderous prospector. The riffing pokes a lot of fun at the entire Lassie angle, giving an exhausted voice to the famous dog (though the “Snausages” joke wears thin after the first few times; not everything is “Big Stupid”, guys) as well as the kid, which is always a welcome thing to do. There’s also a great short about taking care of one’s body and it’s disturbing as hell — though the riffing is fantastic and attacks the outdated outlook of young boys growing up and maturing. Crow’s sketch about President Hayes is an absolute gem. But that was Season 5: one solid episode after the next, with about a half dozen crown jewels.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Now, is this the REAL “Old West” or the Roy Rogers “Old West” where they electricity and cars?
13) 813 – Jack Frost
“Jack Frost” is, easily, the best of the Russo-Finnish co-productions. In fact, when one watches it, one might wonder if it’s just as crazy as all the others we’ve seen (“Sinbad”, “The Day the Earth Froze”, to name a couple) or if it’s an insane parody. It’s balls-out bonkers crazy to the point where Crow just says, “So, the entire premise is that everyone is nutty as all get-out.” Truer words have never been spoken. The riffing here is pure reactionary at one point, driving Mike and the Bots to fits of laughter as even they can’t find the words for what they’re seeing. That’s the only reason why it might not hold a higher rating on my list. It’s hard to find a good solid foundation from which to work. That’s still not a bad thing. It’s easily one of the best episodes of the show.
BEST RIFF:
(Trees are being frosted over.)
CROW: Smilla’s Sense of CRAP.
12) 624 – Samson vs. The Vampire Women
Vampires led by a fierce female vampire threaten to corrupt and enslave a rich professor’s daughter. And the only one who can stop it…is Samson, a Luchadore. It sounds ridiculous and it IS. The moment where Samson busts into the professor’s office declaring that he “came as soon as he could”, Mike and the Bots just laugh. No joke, no riff, no comment, just laughter. That’s the style of riffing on display here. But forget that for a second. This is the 6th season finale — and the final episode we’ll get to see TV’s Frank up until a cameo during the 10th season opener. The sketches are much improved here as Frank is taken away to “Second Banana Heaven” by “Torgo the White”, which gives us a wonderful number called “Who Will I Kill” sung by a distraught Dr. Forrester. This episode is a fitting end to the year and to Frank’s final turn on the show. The show’s second bananas would evolve over time but nothing was as good as Frank.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Which one is Brad Pitt?
11) 303 – Pod People
An alien with an elephant-like snout befriends a little boy while the alien’s parents systematically murder everyone in the little boy’s cabin. If this sounds fairly uneven to you, that’s because it was meant to be a horror film until E.T. convinced the filmmakers to add the story of the little boy. The riffing on this is perfection as there are plenty of moments Joel and the Bots aim for hit with precision. The movie is weird, borderline incomprehensible and foggy to the point where Servo says, “Even the movie The Fog didn’t have this much fog!” Crow’s running Trumpy voice is gut-bustingly funny. The sketches are ALL brilliant with the centerpiece being a full reproduction of the pop number the band in the film sings complete with Frank playing the effeminate guy in the studio and Joel yelling “IT STINKS!” at the end, a line which is fully ingrained in the MST3K lexicon. The entire episode is. It’s almost perfection.
BEST RIFF:
(We’re moving backwards in space to open the film.)
SERVO (chuckling to himself): Whoa! Boldly backing AWAY from where no man has gone before!
10) 309 – The Amazing Colossal Man
Born of the paranoia which permeated the public during the beginning of the Atomic Age, The Amazing Colossal Man (courtesy of MST3K repeat offender, Bert I. Gordon) is insanely goofy, despite the serious subject matter and heartbreaking storyline. This is because Joel and the Bots are as loose as they’ve ever been and they rarely miss with the jokes which range from gleefully insensitive to Glenn’s plight (CAROL: He still ribs me about my driving… JOEL (as man listening): RIBS! That’s what I’m hungry for!) to elegantly simple (MAN: Do you see anything? CROW (as CAROL): Well, there’s a 50-foot guy, but he’s got hair…that can’t be Glenn…). The sketches are pure awesome and clever with Joel being put in his place after attempting to come up with a lame lesson for the Bots on how to treat a nuclear burn victim, Joel assuming the role of Glenn, and the crown jewel: Mike Nelson playing Glenn and visiting the SOL. This is, easily, one of MST3K’s top episodes.
BEST RIFF:
(The camera is on Glen’s fiance as she drives.)
CROW (in Public Service Announcement voice): Susie doesn’t think she NEEDS a seatbelt! Watch Susie go ballistic through the windshield!
9) 701 – Night of the Blood Beast (w/ short: Once Upon a Honeymoon)
We get a Corman-produced venture (both Roger and his brother, Gene, were in on this one) to start a very truncated Season 7 of MST3K as an astronaut crash-lands and dies — but comes back to life much to shock of his cohorts at “NASA” which is comprised of a small office and about a half dozen workers. Season 7 (the final season of the Comedy Central era) is infamous for only having six episodes but it’s still a solid season and it starts with a bang here. The film (which Mike Nelson credits Mary Jo Pehl for “rescuing” from MST3K’s writer scrap heap) has conviction in its camp but is so awful in execution, it ruins any goodwill it intended to have. The riffing is perfection, starting with the hilarious short “Once Upon a Honeymoon”, a musical about a man who just wants to go on his honeymoon but can’t because he needs to finish writing a musical for his boss — and can’t even do that because of writer’s block. Crow’s line, “Let’s see, what rhymes with ‘blue balls'” gets me every single time and the guys just have fun with the rest of it, making up their own lyrics to the surprisingly catchy musical score. The fun carries right over into “Blood Beast” which seems so effortless and natural due to the soft chuckling shared, every so often, between the riffers, giving the audience a sense of genuine camaraderie. This doesn’t feel scripted. It feels more like three guys who have had a couple drinks and they’re just letting loose. The running jokes work because they’re spaced out beautifully (the bits about shrimp living inside John are great — and has a great payoff at the end when Servo, as one of the scientists asks “Should we split him open and scoop out the roux?”) and the episode is just too much fun. A couple things to note: Mary Jo Pehl became Dr. Forrester’s new second-hand, reprising her role as Clayton’s mom, Pearl. She would be the main villain on the show for the next three seasons following this one. She’s NOT Frank — but there’s only one Frank, so trying to imitate that is pointless. She is, however, very good as Pearl, bringing a salty/sarcastic demeanor that only Pehl can deliver. There are also two versions of the episode. I posted the Turkey Day version, which only aired once. The only difference between the two is the sketch work. Personally, I like the Turkey Day version better as it fits the overall continuity of the show better and features a great set of sketches involving Dr. Forrester’s Thanksgiving Day dinner which is attended by Jack Perkins, Mr. B Natural, Pitch, Kitten With a Whip and pianist Michael Feinstein. The execution of these sketches is genius because the cast members have so many roles to fill. Mike plays two of them and Trace plays two of them and it works seamlessly. You can find the other version here.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: This was back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
8) 810 – The Giant Spider Invasion
The first color feature of the SyFy era lands in the form of “The Giant Spider Invasion”, a giant insect film set in the mid-west portion of America and the guys give it the “Mitchell” treatment, absolutely destroying it. It’s not like the film doesn’t deserve it. It’s ugly, dusty, dirty, sleazy, and sweaty. Whoever thought it was a great idea to cast a bunch of country yokels as the heroes of this film needs to resign and leave the movie business forever. The film not only features Alan Hale as a moronic sheriff who thinks he’s hilarious, but it moves so slowly, Crow dubs the film “a Minor Spider Unrest” rather than a “GIant Spider Invasion”. And, then, there’s the great “PACKERS” running joke. And I haven’t even mentioned the “giant spider” which is a big set of legs welded to a car, which is beyond laughable. Easily, one of the best episodes of the 8th season.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: And the movie ramps up the repulsion…
CROW: This movie HATES us, doesn’t it?
7) 424 – Manos, the Hands of Fate (w/ short: Hired!, Part 2)
I’m not sure I can even add anything to what’s already been said about this insane film. Every single time I watch the episode, though, I’m just a little peeved that there’s a short that comes before it because this movie deserves the entire spotlight (even though the short is perfectly riffed). It’s so weird and awkward and terrible. It’s everything you’ve come to expect from this show…and SO much more. It’s so bad, the Mads can’t even celebrate the pain it’s causing. Fu Manchu, Cave Dwellers, Pod People, Monster A-Go-Go…those may have left a mark which eventually healed…Manos leaves a life-long scar that is still felt today, even if the riffing on the film is spectacularly good..
BEST RIFF:
(ANOTHER scene showing fields full of lettuce crops from the POV of a car going by.)
SERVO: So, what are we, a half hour into this movie?
JOEL: No, I’m afraid not, it’s more like a…minute…
(Pause)
SERVO (almost silently): No…
JOEL: Yeah.
SERVO: Huh…
6) 506 – Eegah!
Actors, actresses, and directors sometimes have their “moments” on the show. For director Bert I. Gordon, it was probably “The Amazing Colossal Man”. For actor Joe Don Baker, it was “Mitchell”. For actor Richard Kiel, it was THIS movie. The last time we saw Kiel was in “Human Duplicators”. In that capsule review, I wrote that Joel and the Bots pounced on the poor guy and that the showrunners must have felt bad about it because they give him the hero’s rub in “Eegah”, a schlocky, icky, ugly film about a young girl who stumbles upon a caveman in the California desert — and her dorky boyfriend and father who puff their chests to go look for him. “Eegah” shares the same painful “what-the-fuck” feeling as films like “Manos”, “Monster A-Go-Go” and “Pod People”. It feels barely strung together with tears and angst. It feels greasy and cheap and, like the Bots at the end of the film, you feel like you need a shower after it’s finished. That said, the riffing on the film is GOLD, presenting us with so many jokes at the expense of the dweeby Arch Hall, Jr. who squeals and howls out a couple musical numbers (which is just what this film needs, lemme tell ya’) and who the Bots dub “a Cabbage Patch Elvis”. The episode also gave birth to yet another MST3Kism in the phrase “Watch out for snakes!” which is not only badly dubbed into the film, it’s just so arbitrary and weird, just like the rest of the film.
BEST RIFF:
(During the scene where Roxy shaves her own Dad’s face.)
JOEL & THE BOTS: EEEWWWW!!! UGH!!!
SERVO: Joel, I’m gonna slap this movie SO hard…
5) 512 – Mitchell
“Mitchell’ stars Joe Don Baker as an overweight, beer-swilling cop (who has a sex scene with LINDA FREAKIN’ EVANS for crying outloud) who is assigned to investigate a gangster played by Martin Balsam. If you read that sentence and said “What the fuck”, you’re not alone. It’s as awful as it sounds. And if you thought the treatment the guys gave Richard Kiel was terrible, they absolutely CRUSH Joe Don Baker to the point where you almost feel bad about laughing…if only that sex scene set to Mitchell’s weird, bouncy hick waltz “Mah, Mah, Mah, Mah Mitchell” wasn’t a thing…and that brief shot of the baby oil at the side of the bed–nope. Crow’s frustrated, grossed-out reaction is EVERYTHING: “Why would anyone wanna DO this with Mitchell, Joel?!” Even though the riffs do lose their steam in the third act, it’s still the perfect swan song for Joel as this is his last episode as he leaves the SOL for greener pastures. The sketches featuring Gypsy planning Joel’s escape are absolutely brilliant featuring some inside baseball you’ll get a kick out of if you’re a Stanley Kubrick fan. Head writer Mike Nelson, who had been playing arbitrary characters visiting the SOL, would take over and things would slowly change and evolve in the next few years but this episode is a great send-off of the Joel Era.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: I can’t imagine why “Mitchell 2” never came out.
4) 820 – Space Mutiny
It’s always nice to get 80’s sci-fi cheese. It’s even better when it has conviction in its awfulness. At first, Mike and the Bots start jabbing at the film, making fun of the visual effects by imitating Strauss’s “Blue Danube”. “Duh, duh, duh, duh, CRAP, duh, duh…duh, duh…”, then there’s Captain Santa Claus and his “daughter” who looks just as old as her “Dad”. But, when Dave Ryder shows up, THAT’S when the guys start swinging with everything they have. The episode is famous for all the Meathead Hero names the guys bestow upon Ryder. Even without that running gag, the episode is raucously funny due to how straight-faced the film tries to be. It wants to serve up a great adventure for its audience and you still can’t help but chuckle at action/chase scenes that involve battery-powered electric cars that have a top speed of 5 miles an hour. It doesn’t let up. Not during the lame climax or stinger ending or even during the credits. The riffing here is pure art. Even the host segments feel right, with a great opening where the Bots mock Mike for his aged set of encyclopedias which are so out-of-date, Servo remarks that a photo of Stonehenge includes a sign that reads “UNDER CONSTRUCTION”. It’s even better when Mike updates the books: “27 pages on Gwen Stefani alone!” says an impressed Crow. Lastly, this episode marks the end of the “Ancient Rome” sketches and thank the gods for that. There were more than a few good episodes in Season 8, but this was the first “great” episode of that season as well as the SyFy era.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Special Effects by Industrial Light and Morons.
3) 507 – I Accuse My Parents (w/ short: The Truck Farmer)
“I Accuse My Parents” is one of those films one might look at and think, “There’s nothing here for us to mock.” It’s about a guy named Jimmy who’s supposed to be in high school but looks 25. He lives in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic mother and abusive father. He lies more than Donald Trump in order to keep up the appearance of being clean-cut. Then, he gets mixed up with the mob and ends up in court…where he accuses his parents of making him the way he is. It’s meant to be preachy…if only Jimmy wasn’t such a moron. It’s preceded by the “Truck Farmer” short which isn’t as funny as I remember it being (though Crow’s snarky comment about “carrots being made flavorless so people will buy steak” ALWAYS gets a good laugh from me) but the riffing on the feature is spectacularly great. Dare I say, perfect. Nearly every single joke lands. There really isn’t a moment in the film where you aren’t laughing because everything from Jimmy’s gullibility to his dishonesty is fair game.
BEST RIFF:
(Kitty and Jimmy talk and talk. The clock on the wall goes from 6:20 PM to 8:20 PM.)
JOEL: 1700 LIES LATER…
SERVO (as Jimmy): …and, of course, I was the last one out of Saigon!
2) 910 – The Final Sacrifice
If ever there was a film made for MST3K’s treatment, it’s the Canadian import, “The Final Sacrifice”. It’s almost the amalgam of everything we’ve experienced on the show up until this point: puzzling casting (a severely wimpy kid and a beer-swilling yokel are the heroes), unintentionally funny antagonists, goofy supporting characters (the grizzled archaeologist sounds like Jim Henson doing Yosemite Sam), an agonizingly low budget, and the sense that it’s taking itself seriously despite all its flaws. It’s the fat, hanging curveball of MST3K features, about a wussy kid named Troy who attempts to learn the fate of his father and, in doing so, runs afoul of a weird cult full of hooded figures who are lead by a guy who looks like the front man for an 80’s rock group who sounds like Jesse “The Body” Ventura. As Troy’s pursuit thickens, he befriends an older guy with Canadian hockey hair named “Zap Rowsdower” (forever part of the MST3K lore and lexicon and, yes, that’s his real name and isn’t a leftover from “Space Mutiny”) who was once a member of the cult, but has seen the light. There are SO many great lines in this episode as the crew savages poor Rowsdower (Servo remarking that Rowsdower’s hair can sense things; Crow, as Rowsdower, wondering if there’s beer on the sun as he peers at the horizon, and the constant imitation of Troy simply saying “Rowsdower” are all gems) if only the sketches didn’t get progressively weaker after the superb sketch where Servo dresses up as a Canadian Mountie and tries to sing a song, praising Canada — only to have Crow and Mike sabotage the song by mocking Canada and its culture — which corrupts Servo completely, leading him to singing a verse where he describes violently destroying the country, its people, and their culture before Mike and Crow are able to rein the sobbing Servo in. You just can’t top that, I suppose.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Children and pregnant women should not watch this scene…you know, in fact, nobody should watch any of these scenes…
It’s time to reveal the #1 MST3K episode of all-time…but first, let’s review the rankings leading up to #1:
196) 410 – Hercules Against the Moon Men
195) 211 – First Spaceship to Venus
194) 317 – The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (w/ short: Home Economics Story)
193) 617 – The Sword of the Dragon
192) 902 – The Phantom Planet
191) 107 – Robot Monster (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapters 4 & 5)
190) 103 – Mad Monster (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 2)
189) 209 – The Hellcats
188) 111 – Moon Zero Two
187) 616 – Racket Girls (w/ short: Are You Ready for Marriage?)
186) 806 – The She-Creature
185) 101 – The Crawling Eye
184) 105 – The Corpse Vanishes (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 3)
183) 411 – The Magic Sword
182) 102 – The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 1)
181) 104 – Women of the Prehistoric Planet
180) 205 – Rocket Attack U.S.A. (w/ Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2)
179) 110 – Robot Holocaust (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 9)
178) 203 – Jungle Goddess (w/ Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1)
177) 607 – Bloodlust! (w/ short: Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm)
176) 818 – Devil Doll
175) 615 – Kitten With a Whip
174) 412 – Hercules and the Captive Women
173) 605 – Colossus and the Headhunters
172) 1111 – Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II
171) 202 – The Sidehackers
170) 1005 – Blood Waters of Dr. Z
169) 811 – Parts: The Clonus Horror
168) 508 – Operation Double 007
167) 305 – Stranded in Space
166) 323 – Castle of Fu Manchu
165) 1114 – At the Earth’s Core
164) 322 – Master Ninja I
163) 324 – Master Ninja II
162) 614 – San Francisco International
161) 308 – Gamera vs. Gaos
160) 213 – Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster
159) 310 – Fugitive Alien
158) 312 – Gamera vs. Guiron
157) 1110 – Wizards of the Lost Kingdom
156) 1008 – Final Justice
155) 314 – Mighty Jack
154) 502 – Hercules
153) 401 – Space Travelers
152) 405 – Being From Another Planet
151) 106 – The Crawling Hand
150) 803 – The Mole People
149) 805 – The Thing That Couldn’t Die
148) 623 – The Amazing Transparent Man (w/ short: The Days of Our Years)
147) 204 – Catalina Caper
146) 304 – Gamera vs. Barugon
145) 307 – Daddy-O (w/ short: Alphabet Antics)
144) 416 – Fire Maidens of Outer Space
143) 1011 – Horrors of Spider Island
142) 606 – The Creeping Terror
141) 406 – Attack of the Giant Leeches (w/ short: The Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1)
140) 611 – Last of the Wild Horses
139) 315 – Teenage Caveman
138) 1007 – Track of the Moon Beast
137) 403 – City Limits
136) 408 – Hercules Unchained
135) 804 – The Deadly Mantis
134) 108 – The Slime People (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 6)
133) 313 – Earth vs. the Spider (w/ short: Speech – Using Your Voice)
132) 802 – The Leech Woman
131) 402 – The Giant Gila Monster
130) 420 – The Human Duplicators
129) 1205 – Killer Fish
128) 602 – Invasion U.S.A. (w/ short A Date With Your Family)
127) 522 – Teenage Crime Wave
126) 901 – The Projected Man
125) 1004 – Future War
124) 806 – The Undead
123) 1009 – Hamlet
122) 1010 – It Lives By Night
121) 311 – It Conquered the World (w/ short: Snow Thrills)
120) 407 – The Killer Shrews (w/ short: Junior Rodeo Daredevils)
119) 503 – Swamp Diamonds (w/ short: What to Do on a Date)
118) 320 – The Unearthly (w/ shorts: Posture Pals & Appreciating Our Parents)
117) 318 – Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
116) 113 – The Black Scorpion
115) 417 – Crash of Moons (w/ short: General Hospital, Part 3)
114) 413 – Manhunt in Space (w short: General Hospital, Part 1)
113) 109 – Project Moonbase (w/ short: Commando Cody – Radar Men From the Moon, Chapters 7 & 8)
112) 112 – Untamed Youth
111) 415 – The Beatniks (w/ short: General Hospital, Part 2)
110) 523 – Village of the Giants
109) 421 – Monster A-Go-Go (w/ short: Circus on Ice)
108) 601 – Girls Town
107) 622 – Angels Revenge
106) 816 – Prince of Space
105) 819 – Invasion of the Neptune Men
104) 201 – Rocketship X-M
103) 208 – Lost Continent
102) 212 – Godzilla vs. Megalon
101) 302 – Gamera
100) 514 – Teenage Strangler (w/ short: Is This Love?)
99) 404 – Teenagers From Outer Space
98) 1108 – The Loves of Hercules
97) 618 – High School Big Shot (w/ short: Out of This World)
96) 524 – 12 to the Moon (w/ short: Design for Dreaming)
95) 518 – The Atomic Brain (w/ short: What About Juvenile Delinquency?)
94) 620 – Danger! Death Ray!
93) 517 – The Beginning of the End
92) 423 – Bride of the Monster (w/ short: Hired!, Part 1)
91) 419 – The Rebel Set (w/ short: Johnny at the Fair)
90) 619 – Red Zone Cuba (w/ short: Platform, Posture, and Apperance)
89) 520 – Radar Secret Service (w/ short: Last Clear Chance)
88) 409 – Indestructible Man (w/ short: The Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2)
87) 504 – Secret Agent Super Dragon
86) 501 – Warrior of the Lost World
85) 913 – Quest of the Delta Knights
84) 621 – The Beast of Yucca Flats (w/ shorts: Money Talks / Progress Island U.S.A.)
83) 316 – Gamera vs. Zigra
82) 809 – I Was a Teenage Werewolf
81) 1012 – Squirm (w/ short: A Case of Spring Fever)
80) 206 – Ring of Terror (w/ Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3)
79) 207 – Wild Rebels
78) 821 – Time Chasers
77) 1002 – The Girl in Gold Boots
76) 210 – King Dinosaur
75) 815 – Agent for h.a.r.m.
74) 911 – Devil Fish
73) 321 – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
72) 306 – Time of the Apes
71) 519 – Outlaw (of Gor)
70) 704 – The Incredible Melting Man
69) 301 – Cave Dwellers
68) 1107 – The Land That Time Forgot
67) 604 – Zombie Nightmare
66) 505 – The Magic Voyage of Sinbad
65) 509 – The Girl in Lover’s Lane
64) 807 – Terror From the Year 5000
63) 812 – The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
62) 705 – Escape 2000
61) 817 – Horror of Party Beach
60) 422 – The Day the Earth Froze (w/ short: Here Comes the Circus)
59) 608 – Code Name: Diamond Head (w/ short: A Day at the Fair)
58) 511 – Gunslinger
57) 906 – The Space Children (w/ short: Century 21 Calling)
56) 516 – Alien from L.A.
55) 814 – Riding With Death
54) 905 – The Deadly Bees
53) 1006 – Boggy Creek II: …and the Legend Continues
52) 1106 – Starcrash
51) 909 – Gorgo
50) 912 – The Screaming Skull
49) 1113 – The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t
48) 1202 – Atlantic Rim
47) 1206 – Ator, the Fighting Eagle
46) 801 – Revenge of the Creature
45) 702 – The Brute Man
44) 610 – The Violent Years (w/ short: A Young Man’s Fancy)
43) 609 – The Skydivers (w/ short: Why Industrial Arts?)
42) 612 – The Starfighters
41) 521 – Santa Claus
40) 1112 – Carnival Magic
39) 904 – Werewolf
38) 1204 – The Day Time Ended
37) 903 – The Pumaman
36) 1001 – Soultaker
35) 1003 – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders
34) 706 – Laserblast
33) 1013 – Diabolik
32) 1203 – Lords of the Deep
31) 515 – The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (w/ short: Cheating)
30) 907 – Hobgoblins
29) 1105 – The Beast of Hollow Mountain
28) 822 – Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
27) 414 – Tormented
26) 1103 – The Time Travelers
25) 613 – The Sinister Urge (w/ Keeping Clean and Neat)
24) 513 – The Brain That Wouldn’t Die
23) 319 – War of the Colossal Beast (w/ short: Mr. B Natural)
22) 418 – Attack of the Eye Creatures
21) 603 – The Dead Talk Back (w/ short: The Selling Wizard)
20) 1101 – Reptilicus
19) 1109 – Yongary
18) 703 – Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell
17) 1104 – Avalanche
16) 908 – The Touch of Satan
15) 1102 – Cry Wilderness
14) 510 – The Painted Hills (w/ short: Body Care and Grooming)
13) 813 – Jack Frost
12) 624 – Samson vs. The Vampire Women
11) 303 – Pod People
10) 309 – The Amazing Colossal Man
9) 701 – Night of the Blood Beast (w/ short: Once Upon a Honeymoon)
8) 810 – The Giant Spider Invasion
7) 424 – Manos, the Hands of Fate (w/ short: Hired!, Part 2)
6) 506 – Eegah!
5) 512 – Mitchell
4) 820 – Space Mutiny
3) 507 – I Accuse My Parents (w/ short: The Truck Farmer)
2) 910 – The Final Sacrifice
And, the number one episode is…
1) 1201 – Mac and Me
(Available on Netflix)
“Mac & Me” is the best MST3K episode of all-time. It’s the film that “turns E.T. to B.S.” according to Kinga Forrester. And, ho boy, she’s right. It’s widely considered to be one of the worst movies ever made, a cynical cash-in on Spielberg’s success. The first time I saw this movie…was pretty much when I wrote my review for this episode. The only bit of the movie I ever saw was the bit made famous by Paul Rudd’s running joke on Conan when he’d “show a clip of his new movie” — only to roll the part of Mac and Me where Eric loses control of his wheelchair and flies off the cliff to a certain death. Sadly, that’s not even the worst part of this film. In fact, I can’t decide whether the worst part is the surreal dance number inside of McDonald’s (a sequence so bad, it makes the creepy Ronald McDonald look benign) or the horrifying, climatic scene where the authorities blow a local supermarket to kingdom come, straight up murdering Eric in cold blood. And if you’re saying, “This doesn’t sound at all like a movie for children”, the original ending was worse. A LOT worse. While the film is all kinds of awful, the episode is sheer brilliance. Nearly every single riff is an absolute hit (add “Pretty NIIIICE!” to the MST3K lexicon) as the guys go after the insanely disturbing alien costumes and the rampant product placement…and the sketches are AWESOME. The latter sketch (Jonah and the Bots at a McDonald’s style birthday party where Servo’s dressed like the little girl from the film and Gypsy oversees all as “The Grimace” who sends unhappy kids to “The ball pit”). It’s SO delightfully screwed up and that’s what makes it so ridiculously funny. I don’t have any disrespect for any of the other Top Ten staples who have been in this spot. They’re in my Top Ten, as a matter of fact. The thing that separates “Mac and Me” from the rest of the pack is that it’s a complete package from the perfect riffing to the outstanding (and accessible) sketch work. This is MST3K at the top of its game.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: I wanna see the movie this composer THOUGHT he was scoring.
SPECIAL THANKS
A lot of work went into this project which began in late August/early September and went on for three months into late November. I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the following:
Jim Vorel of Paste Magazine and “Adam Smasher” of Mighty Jack’s MST3K Review – Adam’s website has been the holy grail of MST3K review websites. I’ve been consulting it for years for advice on which episodes I should include in my yearly marathons as well as to compare and contrast my opinions with his. Jim Vorel’s awesome ranking project stands out as possibly the greatest attempt to ever make an official “worst to best” list. He directly inspired me to create my own after I began reviewing the Netflix episodes for The Workprint. I’m not half the writer Jim is but it was nice to compare lists as I went along.
Club MST3K – A virtual library where you can find every single full episode of the show, plus mingle with other MSTies as you watch. This was also an invaluable source for me as it created a one-stop shop for all the video links provided here.
MST3K Satellite News – One of the greatest MST3K fan sites ever created, with reviews, interviews, loads of trivia, and an extension of the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide for Seasons 7 through 10!
The MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide – I’ve had this sucker in paperback form for 20 years. It’s a comprehensive diary of the making of each episode through Season 6, written by the cast and crew of the show. It features some great reflections from each of them.
The past and present cast and crew of MST3K – This TV show has endured through three decades. It’s timeless. I believe it was on a list of shows that never jumped the shark. I think Doctor Who and the original Magnum P.I. were on that list. There are so many who still haven’t heard of this show but the ones who have know just how special it is and that’s due to the men and women who are behind it, including the great Joel Hodgson who has such a wonderful sense of humor and knowledge of pop culture, it’s insane.
My editors at The Workprint – Jen Stayrook and Bilal Mian. They’ve been incredible supporters throughout my off-again, on-again thing with the site. And it’s always fun watching Bilal ask “You’re gonna do WHAT now?!” before giving me realistic suggestions and advice so I don’t bite off more than I can chew or bore my readers to death. Thanks, guys, so much, for the support.
My readers and my friends who read my stuff – Thanks for the readership and the feedback. It takes me forever to make a point. My stuff is always about 4,000 words long on average and this sucker is the biggest thing I’ve ever written in my life at just over ten times that amount. Thanks for sticking around and reading. I try to make it fun for the reader. 🙂
And last, but not least…
My wife, Danielle – When I started this thing, she had no idea why I was watching this show again. When I do my “marathons”, as it were, leading up to November, it’s usually me watching the show by myself, but only the ones I considered to be worth watching. My wife had to sit through nearly each and every episode with me and would curse the theme song and beg to watch something else. I felt awful about it but kept it going for the sake of entertaining everyone. As I was getting close to the finish line, she really began to cheer me on because she was excited for me and wanted me to make it as much as I did. I know I put her through hell by watching nearly 200 episodes of a show totaling nearly 300 hours of viewing time which equates roughly to 12 days of straight viewership. When you break it down like that, it doesn’t seem like a lot…but it is. It isn’t 12 days and a few episodes per day…no. That “12 days” means it would take you 12 days to watch the show if you went 196 episodes straight with no breaks, no job, no sleep, no nothing. As such, I had to break it down to a few eps per day over the course of a few months and I would fall behind more than a few times. It’s unavoidable, especially having a high-stress job which wears you down and being a parent. As such, Danielle made sure certain things I usually did around the house were done and would also keep our son distracted so I could finish this project. I couldn’t have a more supportive wife. Thank you, honey. I’ll never do this again…I think.
Thank you, everyone.
Please have a wonderful and safe Turkey Day and I love you. You knuckleknobs…NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
It’s nearly Thanksgiving and we’re doing something only a couple of websites have done: watch every episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and rank each one.
I’d love to sit here and pontificate about the show’s history and how great it was…but 1) you’ve heard it all before 2) you don’t really wanna sit here and read what I think about the show’s history when so many other people have said what’s already been said and 3) we’ve gotta get going with this thing.
If you still insist on knowing what the hell I’m talking about, feel free to visit the following sites:
If you want to watch episodes with other MSTies, you can visit the following sites.
Club MST3K – This site compiles a full episode guide for the show along with corresponding streaming video of nearly every single episode available online. It also offers a forum to chat with fellow MSTies while you watch. 🙂 Where to See MST3K Episodes – This site does the same thing.
And last, but not least, if you didn’t get to read Parts 1 and 2, you can do so here:
With all that out of the way, WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!
#100 is…
100) 514 – Teenage Strangler (w/ short: Is This Love?)
MST3K knows how to pick ’em. “Teenage Strangler” falls into the same category as “Daddy-O” and “Untamed Youth”, The dialogue, the weird “Painted Hills” color pallet and hammy overacting help yank it into “Attack of the Eye Creatures” territory. Mike and the Bots do what they can with the material their given, starting with a great short about young love which is just as goofy, but shot in black-and-white. The feature sees the guys taking multiple shots at the dweeby “Mikey” who is such an easy target, his place in MST3K history should be solid — except it isn’t. Torgo, the Gamera kids, Jack Perkins, and Glenn are all more memorable than he is and, unless you’re an absolute die hard, you may not even remember him or this episode. That’s a shame. It’s not riffed as well as most of Season 5 was, but it was solid.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Are cops Constitutionally ABLE to ground kids?
99) 404 – Teenagers From Outer Space
Despite the threat of “TORTCHA!”, “Teenagers From Outer Space” is charming and easy to take. The plot revolves around teen aliens who land on Earth during some political strife on their planet. The ray gun which reduces people and animals to skeletons is as funny as the alien names (“Thor” and “Derek” — I kid you not) and the riffing is steady and hilarious. The sketches are extremely funny with the Mads showcasing a “Resusci-Annie” ventriloquist doll that literally “chokes” while on stage (“I’ll perform CPR…you call 911 while drinking water”, says Dr. Forrester — deadpan at its finest) and Joel and the Bots re-enact a movie theater “Feature Presentation” commercial. This is some good stuff.
BEST RIFF:
(DEREK drives his car while he thinks of THE LEADER’S words from earlier.)
THE LEADER: WE are the supreme race! WE have the supreme weapons!
CROW: Aw, turn Rush Limbaugh OFF!
98) 1108 – The Loves of Hercules
(Available on Netflix)
“The Loves of Hercules” comes to us in the fine tradition of other Hercules films which have crossed MST3K’s radar like “Hercules Against the Moon Men”, “Hercules Unchained”, and “Hercules and the Captive Women”. So sue me if I wasn’t looking forward to this one. Sure enough, “The Loves of Hercules” is boring as all hell. And, yes, I’m talking both the film and the riffing. Aside from a few gems (listed below) and the ridiculous dragon sequence, the writers seem to have a massive off-day here with nearly nothing landing for a good belly laugh. Making fun of Hargitay’s accent can only get you so much mileage and attempting to take swipes at character names is really only funny once. The problem, I think, is that there’s a lot of downtime in the film. Between the “action” sequences is a LOT of talking and there isn’t much Jonah and the Bots can do with that.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: I must have fallen asleep in Greek Mythology the day they talked about Sasquatch.
97) 618 – High School Big Shot (w/ short: Out of This World)
If “I Accuse My Parents” was darker and more depressing and had an alcoholic father instead of an alcoholic mother with not one hint of a happy ending, you would have “High School Big Shot”, a film which continues the fine MST3K outlook that nobody is safe from the world of organized crime. Luckily, the riffing is decent as most of the jokes come at the expense of poor “Marvin”, an insecure kid who is lured into the mafia by way of a girl he likes. It’s preceded by a short about guys who deliver and market bread and supermarkets — and how they’re puzzlingly watched over by an angel and her Satanic nemesis for some reason. It’s a bizarre, surreal short and, thus, in keeping with MST3K’s fine tradition of pseudo-Lynchian material.
BEST RIFF:
CROW (as Marvin): Are those voices in your head or mine?
96) 524 – 12 to the Moon (w/ short: Design for Dreaming)
A bunch of goofballs representing every race in the world go to the moon and somehow run afoul of aliens because why the hell not? Aliens can live on the moon, too! And that’s not even the worst of it. The film is so cheaply produced, you’ll notice the stage lighting above “the moon” before the guys do. I mean, the filmmakers didn’t even try to hide them. And don’t even get me started on the space helmets “with invisible face shields” because the producers couldn’t even afford decent costumes. Those moments where the guys don’t have a joke and just laugh? This is one of those moments. It’s not a terrible film. It has conviction, but it’s hard to take a film seriously when the space aliens’ language can be read and interpreted only by the Chinese for some reason. The riffing is fairly solid if not wholly funny. One of the running jokes here might seem familiar. Before we had “Butch Deadlift” and “Big McLargeHuge” in “Space Mutiny”, we had “Cliff Beefpile” and “Chunk Pylon” in “12 to the Moon”. It was just better realized in Season 8. The main feature is preceded by “Design for Dreaming” which the guys have a ton of fun with (the riffing is funnier here than in the feature film) but I’m more partial to its sister film, “Once Upon a Honeymoon”. Still, the running gag where Nuveena, the dancing lady from the short (Bridget Nelson, Mike’s real-life spouse), shows up to court and marry Mike is a scream — especially since the only way to communicate with Nuveena is to sing to her like you’re in a musical, so hearing Mike go baritone and plead with her to go easy on his friends is a treat.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Way to ruin the space walk, Chuckles!
95) 518 – The Atomic Brain (w/ short: What About Juvenile Delinquency?)
Another piece of sci-fi sleaze about a wealthy old woman who recruits younger women to come to her mansion…so she can put her brain inside one of them and let her male suitor have sex with her again. Yep, it’s gross and it’s a really unpleasant, horrible film, reminiscent of “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die”. The riffing is fairly decent (Mike and the Bots’ “Dr. Chad rap” at the beginning ALWAYS makes me laugh and sets the overall tone and the constant “she’s old/she creeps/she’s so/damn old music riffs are funny), though it’s not as funny as I remember it being, which is weird since “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” still holds up for me upon repeated viewings. It might be that this is one of the episodes I overdosed on during my many early marathons. This episode marks the first time Magic Voice got her own sketch (she interacts with the film’s creepy narrator and it’s hilarious) and that’s really cool. The Juvenile Delinquency short is perfection as most of the shorts usually are, but I’m baffled as to why this didn’t hold up for me.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: So, did they put stuffing around the “cat brain” so it wouldn’t rattle around inside her skull?!
94) 620 – Danger! Death Ray!
A man who could only be described as a constipated Javier Bardem steals a “death ray” which was “made for peaceful purposes”. And it’s up to a EUROPEAN American secret agent to save the world. James Bond this obviously isn’t, especially with the odd cocktail lounge music and the lack of witty dialogue and wisecracks…or any suspense or action, really. The riffing is funny and solid — though some repetitive jokes permeate the proceedings (the “Watermelon Man” thing during any and all music arrangements is long in the tooth as are the “THIS MAN” declarations) and the sketch work continues to be so-so throughout the 6th season.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: It was an interesting choice not to have ANY suspense in this movie…
93) 517 – The Beginning of the End
Bert I. Gordon returns with another black-and-white disaster flick in “The Beginning of the End”. Giant locusts invade the Midwest and it’s up to Audrey Ames and Peter Graves to stop the grasshopper apocalypse…which simply means taking away the postcards with pictures of building they’re climbing. This used to be a Top Ten episode for me…but times have changed. Watching it again, years later, the riffs are still funny but it’s not as funny as I remember. The Peter Graves jokes are fine and I love the classic “Peter Graves” sketch but there are so-called “weaker” episodes that are better than this.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (as Peter Graves): Frank! That’s FILTHY! I should wash your hands out with soap!
92) 423 – Bride of the Monster (w/ short: Hired!, Part 1)
One of two Ed Wood-directed features on MST3K and I’m still not sure which one of the two is worse. This stars the immortal Bela Lugosi and Tor Johnson and a big rubber squid that does nothing unless it’s featured in stock footage. It’s a prime example of why Wood was notorious for making bad films and it’s riffed wonderfully, with most of the jokes coming at the expense of Bela Lugosi (“Now he’ll have the strength of 20 Heroin addicts!”) and Tor Johnson who is just on-board for his appearance. Another short comes before it in “Hired!, Part 1”, which is nowhere near as funny as it should be thanks to the odd decision to cut the short in half and save the second half for the god-awful Manos.
BEST RIFF:
(Bela Lugosi enters his lab and starts setting up.)
SERVO (singing to the “Mr. Rogers” theme): It’s a sinister day in the laboratory, a sinister day in the laboratory…
91) 419 – The Rebel Set (w/ short: Johnny at the Fair)
After fake “Rebels” in “Wild Rebels” and “Untamed Youth” and “The Beatniks”, we’re finally given honest-to-gosh beatniks in “The Rebel Set” which doesn’t actually feature any real “rebels”. It’s just a heist movie given a punchy name. It’s preceded by the classic short, “Johnny at the Fair” which is a tour-de-force of riffing from the guys. So much so that is overshadows about half of the feature film. Luckily, it DOES pick up during the second half when the heist kicks into full gear as Joel and the Bots tee off on the bizarre goofiness of the caper (the line where investigators come get the dead body and Crow says “Ok, who wants his Visa card?” always makes me crack up).
BEST RIFF:
CROW: I don’t get why these guys are “Rebels”.
90) 619 – Red Zone Cuba (w/ short: Platform, Posture, and Appearance)
Coleman Francis (609’s “Skydivers”) strikes again with a tale of a bunch of yahoos who become involved in a mercenary operation which seeks to invade Cuba. The episode starts with an insanely funny sketch about how to give a great speech which includes having clean shoes and twerking (Crow shouting “Shake your moneymaker!” gets me every single time because that’s just what it looks like the guy is doing.) The film riffing starts slow but picks up after the second half after the dialogue dies down (“Hour after hour after heart-pounding small talk,” proclaims Mike.) and the action starts up…then peters out. Francis, himself, cast himself in the lead, which still confuses the hell out of me being that he’s the most unappealing lead since Joe Don Baker in “Mitchell”.
BEST RIFF:
(A half dozen soldiers storm a large field.)
MIKE: Can you imagine being Fidel Castro and seeing THAT force swarming up at you?
89) 520 – Radar Secret Service (w/ short: Last Clear Chance)
I don’t mind government propaganda being showcased on MST3K. I just ask for it to be riffed well. The first portion of it (“Last Clear Chance”) is simply brilliant, taking to task one of those horrible driving films you have to sit through in Driver’s Ed in high school. It’s terrible with a police narrator who comes across as a pure-bred psychopath to the point where Mike and the Bots feel the need to assure viewers that the cop narrating the short film was summarily dismissed due to his “reign of terror”. The second half is a film about the positive virtues of radar. Because it’s the type of film we deserve…but not the film we NEED right now. The first half of the show is focused. The second, not so much — though it does have its moments. The maid (who Mike dubs “the director’s mistress”) coming in and discovering the dead body — and then casually leaving — is hilarious on its own.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (as narrator): Only RADAR knows what the hell is going on!
88) 409 – Indestructible Man (w/ short: The Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2)
Long close-ups of Lon Chaney, Jr., detectives and strippers, oh my! “Indestructible Man” is like watching “Monster-a-Go-Go” with a slightly more lucid plot. The riffing is solid with most of the jokes revolving around the detective novel-like narration which sees Joel and the Bots pushing back against, arguing with, or simply confirming the narration. Thankfully, this is the last we’d see of the lame “Undersea Kingdom” shorts which were so crusty and dull, it bogs down the riffing.
BEST RIFFS:
(RICHARD meets EVA at a strip club.)
EVA: Do you have a first name?
RICHARD: Dick.
CROW: THAT figures…
87) 504 – Secret Agent Super Dragon
A spy caper about an unnaturally smooth spy who’s assigned to investigate chewing gum spiked with drugs. The movie, itself, is a lot of fun and the guys make several jokes at the expense of the oily, smooth super spy and all the James Bond-esque spy tropes (the bit near the end where Joel and the Bots are making fun of spies using random objects as telephones is priceless; I laugh hard at the line, “Am I on speaker-pen?”) as well as the awkward love scenes where he Dragon tries to bed woman after woman. This one was fun.
BEST RIFF:
(Super Dragon turns on the make-out music, turns and smiles.)
JOEL (as Super Dragon): AmsterDAMN, I’M GOOD!
86) 501 – Warrior of the Lost World
Yet another 80’s apocalypse film where everything looks pretty good despite the death of kabillions of people. It’s not at strong as “Cave Dwellers” or “Pod People” in terms of MST3K 80’s cheese but it’s far better than earlier MST3K 80’s installments like “Robot Holocaust” and “City Limits” and that’s very welcome in my book. The sketches are fairly low-key if you don’t count the hilarious slot car race where Servo ends up getting royally screwed, but the jokes in the theater are solid, revolving around the motorbike with the stupid, hipster voice. Also, Donald Pleasance is in this film because he just can’t help himself and said “yes” to just about everything thrown at him at this point.
BEST RIFF:
(A massive fight sequence involving several different types of people.)
CROW: There’s like EIGHT DIFFERENT MOVIES being shot here!
SERVO: Ninjas, PLEASE report to the “Master Ninja” set! Grunge Girls, you’re needed on the “Mad Max” set — WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE FROM “THE PHILADELPHIA STORY” DOING HERE?!
85) 913 – Quest of the Delta Knights
If Rob Reiner walked away from “The Princess Bride” and burned William Goldman’s script and the studio fired the all-star cast and then hired David Warner in a hurry, you might have “Quest of the Delta Knights”, a movie that feels like you’re watching D&D players waltz around cheap ren-fair settings looking for “treasure”. The riffing isn’t bad but it isn’t great. We do get to see Pearl in theater for the first segment but it feels like she’s reading from a script and there’s little chemistry between her and the Bots save for a great moment where she gives them each a mint to chew on while they watch the film. Adding somebody else to the theater is a great idea but it rarely works as evidenced here and when Gypsy joined the guys for “Hercules and the Captive Women”. It barely worked in “Last of the Wild Horses” when Dr. F and Frank sat in for a segment. And, besides, it’s arbitrary. As is the end credits sequence where Pearl and a contractor visit the theater to take some measurements so that the theater can be altered for maximum pain delivery. Nothing really comes of this. Still, some of the riffing is great as the Bots have a field day with the character of “Leonardo” who is basically “Leonardo DaVinci” because he “came from the town of Vinci”. You can imagine how that goes for the next hour.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Well, better than “Quest of the Delta BURKES”, I suppose…
84) 621 – The Beast of Yucca Flats (w/ shorts: Money Talks / Progress Island U.S.A.)
Coleman Francis (“Red Zone Cuba”, “Skydivers”) brings us a less murky, yet just as mundane version of “Monster a-Go-Go” as Tor Johnson plays the titular character after he ends up being badly burned by a test nuke set off in the Yucca Flats area. Meanwhile, nothing ever happens. This was the last of his features and it’s a doozy, surprisingly uncomplicated and simplistic, compared to his other features and more of a victim of the shoddy editing and narration than anything else. Mike and the Bots do what they can here. The riffing for the feature doesn’t get great until the last half of the show which isn’t too bad. The shorts are loads better, though two shorts seems like overload.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: This movie stops at nothing…and stays there.
83) 316 – Gamera vs. Zigra
MST3K sees its last “Gamera” film and it’s the best of the bunch precisely because the show finally corrects the pauses and strikes the right balance between the goofiness of the film and the humor of the riffs. The episode feels like a celebration, literally opening with a party thrown by Joel and the Bots as they toast their fifth and final Gamera film (though we still have one more Sandy Frank feature coming in “Fugitive Alien II” at this point). The riffs are spot on as the boys are more relaxed here with more natural sounding jokes and some great lines involving the ridiculous monster children in the film — something that’s made fun of later by Mike Nelson and his real-life Bridget as they appear as 30-year-old monster children who still hang out with Gamera. The look on Joel’s face when Bridget says “Gamera is my boyfriend” is as priceless as any of the child riffs in the film.
BEST RIFF:
CROW (to the tune of “Yellow Submarine”): They all die in a yellow bathysphere…
82) 809 – I Was a Teenage Werewolf
It’s “High School Big Shot” (the same actor playing the Dad is here) with a werewolf in it…played by Michael Landon, no less, so expect plenty of “Bonanza” references (Servo singing “It’s all right if I kill a couple kids, Bonanza!” is just great). It’s a hilarious film on its own mainly because the characters are so poorly written and unbelievable. It was obviously produced by somebody who thought this was the way kids acted in school, if the horrible, arbitrary musical number near the beginning of the flick is any indication. Sung hastily and awfully, Crow remarks, “Fifteen teenagers savagely tore apart one of their peers today…” after the conclusion of it. The sketches are a change of pace with Mike and the Bots battling a horrible alien being because Pearl (being Pearl) decided to troll and lower the ship’s shields. It’s clever stuff that sort of hearkens back to the Joel era.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Well, then, it’s a HIGH SCHOOL!
81) 1012 – Squirm (w/ short: A Case of Spring Fever)
When a movie is set in the deep South and it’s featured on MST3K, it’s a good bet that a) it’s going to be god-awful, showcasing the most over-the-top stereotypes you’ve ever heard about the region and b) it’s most likely going to produce some good belly laughs. The penultimate episode of the SyFy era, “Squirm” (directed by Jeff Lieberman who was none too happy about his film being roasted on the show, accusing the MST3K crew of cheapening what he made sound like a masterpiece) isn’t a classic episode by any means but there’s some good-natured, observational riffing to be had as the film’s protagonists, Mick and his girlfriend Geri (who the Bots say looks like everything from a “badly dressed Pixie stick” to “a straw with a piece of lint at one end”) contend with aggressive worms that kill humans and eat their flesh, stripping them down to the bone. Hey, we’ve seen films about bats that can smack somebody upside the head and injure them so, why the hell not? It’s preceded by the final short seen on the show (as of writing this) called “A Case of Spring Fever”, a puzzling number about a man who hates springs, wishes he’d never see one again — only to have that wish granted by a creepy animated imp named “Coyly” who shows him what the world would be like without springs — then immediately backs down and returns springs to everything, transforming the man into a spring-loving genius who won’t shut the holy hell up about how springs are used. It’s a bizarre, disturbing short and a fitting end to the slew of shorts we’ve seen on the show.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: You know, this whole movie deftly illustrates one unshakable principle: never go to the South for any reason. In fact, South, SECEDE, will ya’? We won’t stop ya’ this time!
MIKE: Crow…
CROW: Oh, come on…they know we hate ’em!
MIKE: Stop it! Sorry, South…he’s a…violent little robot, pay no attention…
80) 206 – Ring of Terror (w/ short: Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3)
A hazing ritual goes wrong in this murky black-and-really-black film which doesn’t even seem like it could possibly be the least bit humorous…but it is. Most of the jokes revolve around a cast of people who look very much like they should be well on their way to 50 years old and nowhere near college age. This makes the romantic make-out scene near the beginning of the film SO gross — and SO funny thanks to Joel and the Bots (CROW: “Now, where were we? I believe I had my tongue down your throat!” followed by sucking and slobbering noises — great stuff). What’s not so good is ANOTHER “Phantom Creeps” short — and it’s AFTER the main film…ugh. At least the riffs are great (CROW: How come they keep killing people and the cast list isn’t getting any shorter?!) AND it’s the LAST time we see this set of shorts, which was DOA to begin with. Also, the skits are great — including a concluding sketch with Frank singing about being Forrester’s second banana which just ends in the most satisfying, hilarious way. It’s brilliant. “Ring of Terror” is, ironically, bright and fun to watch despite how dark the film is.
BEST RIFF:
(A couple makes out and takes a bite out of the same sandwich at the same time.)
CROW: Ugh…I’m physically ILL…
JOEL: This is like ‘9 1/2 Weeks”…
CROW: It’s worse than the AUTOPSY…
SERVO: This movie should be called “ONION Ring of Terror”…
79) 207 – Wild Rebels
We get a Nazi biker picture in this one. Tarantino would be proud. “Wild Rebels” is a hell of a lot of fun. A race car driver gets mixed up with some really off-kilter biker nuts who wreak havoc “for the kicks, baby!” The riffing is spot-on, with Joel and the Bots mercilessly mocking the dweeby Steve Alaimo as the hero of the film for his singing and dancing scenes. Yes, in a BIKER MOVIE. The sketches are absolutely wonderful with a Rebel Set cereal commercial from Joel and the Bots as well as Joel being attacked by Crow and Servo (as bikers) during a date with Gypsy who merely says “I did it for the kicks” as the Bots kick the crap out of poor Joel. Everything works in the episode because of the cheesy source material and because MST3K was beginning to find its stride.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Do not induce vomiting…
CROW: The movie will do that FOR you.
78) 821 – Time Chasers
“Time Chasers” is basically “Birdemic” with a bigger budget and better editing. You still have the same botched casting (Crow’s outright objection to the casting of the main hero near the beginning is great stuff) and the dippy acting but everything is slightly more intense and a little more suspenseful. It’s still a horribly ridiculous film (a guy invents a prop plane time machine and sells it to a company that stabs him in the back and changes the future into an apocalyptic hellscape) and the riffing is not as memorable as “Space Mutiny” or the other 80’s/90’s films that have been featured on the show,. but it has charm and the director is a great sport. The sketches are very clever, dealing with a running storyline where Crow travels back into the time to prevent Mike from temping for a living and ending up on the SOL — only to find out that Mike eventually died playing with his rock band and his meaner, alcoholic, chainsmoking brother, Eddie, has taken his place on the ship. This set of sketches, while a little more involved and complex than what we’ve seen on this show, is more interesting and clever than the continuous storyline sludge (Ape World, Observer World, Ancient Rome, etc.) we’ve been subjected to in Season 8.
BEST RIFF:
(During “Written by” end credit)
CROW: This was “WRITTEN”?! I don’t think so.
77) 1002 – The Girl in Gold Boots
If “The Sinister Urge” got an update, you might end up with “The Girl in Gold Boots”, a film with characters who are either remarkably sleazy or really goddamn stupid. The first film in the SyFy era that isn’t science fiction or fantasy, It’s about a woman who is “discovered” in a roadside diner outside Los Angeles and falls for some random guy’s promises of fame and fortune in Hollywood. You’d think she’d be shocked when she discovers the venue she’s gonna be performing in is literally a go-go dancer dive. But, no, she eyes that stage as if she’s a kid seeing a giant stack of buttery warm pancakes for the first time. The riffing here wavers but gets better near the end. It can’t hold a candle to its spiritual cousin named above, but it DOES feature a great sketch where Mike sings the “sad song” that “Critter” sings in the film complete with Crow’s face superimposed to the side every now and then — except, instead of sitting there and smiling like the girl in the movie, Cros describes a horrific fire that’s started on the SOL and which manages to take out a few decks on the ship. It’s a riot.
BEST RIFF:
(Stripper faints in dressing room.)
SERVO: Great! Now we gotta drag her out on stage and take her clothes off manually.
76) 210 – King Dinosaur (w/ short: X Marks the Spot)
“The lemur tastes a little gamey,” says Tom Servo, making chewing noises. And that’s one of several lemur jokes which don’t get old in “King Dinosaur”, the first experiment from Bert I. Gordon whose further bodies of work will happily be exposed later on this show. It’s probably the funniest episode of the 2nd season of the show. A bunch of idiots travel to an island to do SCIENCE STUFF(!) and run afoul with the island’s “dinosaurs”…which are really just blown-up, blue-screened iguanas and bearded dragons and alligators and it’s a riot when the scientists pretend they’re seeing actual “dinosaurs”. The sketches vary with the highlight being the “Joey the Lemur” sketch where Joel goes apeshit insane with a stuffed puppet lemur which he brags about at length to the point of insanity. The Bots half-assing Joey’s theme and trying to play along with Joel’s mental breakdown is a thing of beauty. This episode was also notable for having the first short film that wasn’t part of a serial in “X Marks the Spot”, a weird short about a reckless driver who is killed in a traffic accident — and is immediately sent to a heavenly traffic court where angels talk proper driving etiquette. It’s as bizarre as it sounds but the riffing on it is hilarious with some choice lines (“You know how boys are!” “Yes, I know how boys are!” JOEL: “And I know WHERE the boys are!”; SERVO: “So, help me, ME!”) and it would set the standard for the shorts to come.
BEST RIFF:
GUY: OVER HERE!
GIRL: FASTER!
CROW (as guy climbing hill): UP YOURS!!! Er, I mean…WE’LL BE RIGHT THERE!
75) 815 – Agent for h.a.r.m.
A spy flick so boring, it makes “Tinker, Tailor, Spy” look like “Skyfall”. Predictably, many of the jokes here are Mike and the Bots suddenly attempting to sing the big “James Bond Theme” overture while a lot of others are Prince-based (due to a supporting character’s passing resemblance to the late singer). All in all, the riffing is pretty solid even when they’re not milking those two jokes. It’s notable for a couple other things: 1) This is the episode where Mike stands trial for accidentally blowing up those three planets, featuring a great segment where Crow drops a roaringly funny, expletive-laced video defending him and 2) This is Patrick Brantseg’s debut as the voice of Gypsy as the entire original cast of MST3K officially turns completely over.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: There’s the wind-up…and there’s the smarm!
74) 911 – Devil Fish
“Devil Fish” is the answer to “Is there a killer fish film worse than ‘Jaws: The Revenge’?”. It’s an Italian film masquerading as a film made in the United States…Florida, to be exact, and it features Italian actors pretending to be Floridians, which never fails to get a laugh out of me. If the first sentence wasn’t a clue, it’s about a giant fish the government made that wreaks havoc on a beach community. You’ve heard this one before. Some great riffs here regarding the shoddy editing that permeates this film but most of it is throwaway stuff, not that it isn’t humorous on its own. It does boast one of the funniest sketches I’ve seen on the show: Pearl and Bobo attempting to “filter” Mike and the Bots so they match the Italian actors — except the filters morph them into Italian stereotypes. It sounds awful…except I come from an Italian family and most of them think the sketch is fairly on point.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: So, Mike, turtles excrete wax and you humans put it in cans and just rub it all over your cars? Good! That’s good…just keep DOING that.
73) 321 – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” reminds me of the shoddy Christmas films my extended family would subject me to after I arrived at an uncle or aunt’s house for Christmas Day dinner. They would toss me in a room with all the other younger cousins and what-not and put on some schlocky, dusty Christmas crud I’d have to sit through so I wouldn’t bug the adults who were indulging in bourbon and Frank Sinatra singing carols. That said, I always thought this episode was hard to get through. This time, not so much. It felt like I was spending the holiday with friends. The riffing isn’t spectacular but it’s very funny in spots. A lot of people will say that Season 5’s “Santa Claus” is better. I’m probably on board with that line of thought. That episode doesn’t feature the classic “Patrick Swayze Christmas” song, though. That sketch (and song) has become a classic part of MST3K lore.
BEST RIFF:
SANTA (smoking a pipe and talking to a reporter): We’re goin’ out the good ol’ fashioned way! With our reindeer, Prancer and Dancer and Thunder and Blitzen and Vixen and NIXON!
SERVO (as reporter): Uh, yeah, so what’s in the pipe, Santa?
72) 306 – Time of the Apes
A family climbs into suspended animation capsules during an earthquake (for some reason) and ends up in a time where apes have evolved from men. It’s another Sandy Frank pain-fest and, here, Joel and the Bots dub Frank “The source of all our pain” as they sing along to the Time of the Apes theme song, a moment which helped perpetuate a now-debunked rumor that Frank hated MST3K and pulled the distribution rights out from under them. The episode is a lot of fun in true Frank fashion with laughably low-budget ape costumes and weird, extreme close-ups, and odd editing. Most of the jokes come at the expense of “Johnny”, the little boy whose catchphrase in the face of danger is an obnoxious “I don’t care!”, yet another memorable MST3Kism. The segments are just okay, with the highlight being the Scopes Trial, presided over by a puppet-like Judge Wapner. Still, it’s fairly solid stuff.
BEST RIFF:
(Pepe sees a security guard coming around the corner. He turns the corner and playfully skips toward the guard.) (JOEL AND THE BOTS make multiple gunshot sounds as Pepe makes his appearance known.)
GUARD: Hey! What are you doing here? JOEL (as PEPE): I’m a traitor to my species!
PEPE: I’m here to see my father!
GUARD: Your father is stationed HERE?
PEPE: Yes, he’s an officer! SERVO (as PEPE): …and a gentle-monkey!
GUARD: I see, well go on! You should be hanging around here!
(PEPE skips off.)
PEPE: Good-bye! Nice meeting you! CROW: Well, there’s some good “security”…what is this, Watergate?!
71) 519 – Outlaw
The second Golan/Globus attempt at MST3K and it’s a doozy: two goofballs end up in another dimension in the middle of picking up women at a bar in present times. Nothing makes sense up until the two of them go back into time and, from there, it’s a series of really awkward T&A masquerading as some cross-dimensional socio-political epic complete with gratuitous shots of oiled up butts and bouncing boobs. The riffing is strong near the beginning, falters in the middle, then becomes gold near the end — especially during the film’s end credits when the guys compare it to some late-night 1990’s USA Network television movie. That, and the sketches FINALLY hit their stride with a priceless bit where the boys discover Jack Palance’s autobiography which has a chapter on the making of “Outlaw” (“Day Five. Missed call. After four days of shooting, I got the script today and guess what? I’m NOT playing Thomas Aquinis! I’m supposed to be SOME kind *DEEP INHALE* of freakin’ WIZARD!”). I just wish this material was more consistent.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (as beer commercial narrator): “Wouldn’t it be great if you were stuck in another dimension with an annoying guy and he brought BEER?”
70) 704 – The Incredible Melting Man
There’s no getting around it. “The Incredible Melting Man” is the goriest film MST3K has ever featured. It’s surprising that the Brains ever allowed it here because it’s dark, depressing, and grim. You know, if the severed head floating down a river and then falling down a small waterfall, before exploding into a bloody mess on the rocks below wasn’t enough of a clue. ” ‘You give me a Firebird and a dilapidated building and I’ll give you drama,'” Dr. Forrester says, quoting late film director Hal Needham, in the opening sketch. Indeed, Mike and the Bots pull off the impossible, turning something awful into something watchable and fun with some acerbic wit and timing. This may or may not be due to the fact that the film was originally intended to be a horror parody but became a straight horror film when the director decided he wanted to play it straight and edit out all the comedy sequences. Still, some of the things he did leave in (the elderly couple that seems randomly inserted into the film; the cracker argument near the beginning of the movie) are perfect fodder for the guys. The amount of mileage they get out of the film’s hero (the wussy Dr. Ted Nelson, whose name they apply to the small bits of musical score) is stunning and hilarious. The sketch work here is brilliant as well, as Crow finally gets “Earth vs. Soup” made into a feature film — only to have the “studio” (made up of Dr. Forrester and Pearl) mess with him at every turn and eventually get the film made into “just a trailer”. The entire series of bits is the Brains’ exorcising the demons they faced during the making of “MST3K: The Movie” and you can feel the pain.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Careful! The paneling is out-acting you!
69) 301 – Cave Dwellers
The start of Season 3 began with an episode many MSTies consider to be one of the greatest ever. It’s not hard to see why. “Cave Dwellers” is actually the low budget sequel to “Ator, the Fighting Eagle”, a film the show would riff almost 30 years later during the Netflix era. It’s the story of “Ator”, played by Miles O’Keefe, (which gives us the simple, yet hilarious riff: “How much Keefe is IN this movie, anyway?” “MILES O’Keefe!”) as he attempts to defeat a goofy looking dude named “Zor” who wants “the Geometric Nucleus”, which has the capability of mass destruction. The film is a mess with a hero who looks like a personal trainer in an R-rated 80’s comedy, but who knows everything — including building a freakin’ modern hang glider in like five minutes, much to the dismay of Joel and the Bots who laugh their asses off. The sketches are just brilliant, too, with the guys doing their own version of the blurry opening credits sequence. (The sketch about “extraordinary names for ordinary things” is one of my all-time favorite conversational sketches simply for following exchange: CROW: “White Shadow”? You coulda called that “Haloed Hoop Honkey”! Or “Jake and the Fat Man”…you coulda called that, uh…uh…well… EVERYONE: …”Jake and the Fat Man”. SERVO: Yep, pretty much.) It’s one of those moments that makes you laugh so loudly, you might not hear the lines that follow the joke.
BEST RIFF:
(Akronos explains the Nucleus to his daugther, Mila, then turns away from her and faces the camera, almost like he’s looking right at the audience.)
CROW: What do you, the viewers at home, think?
68) 1107 – The Land That Time Forgot
(Available on Netflix)
“The Land That Time Forgot” is actually a pretty decent. I first saw the film one late Friday night when I was much younger. All these years later, yeah, it’s pretty dated and silly but there was conviction in the cheese that was this film. The reason Jonah and the Bots’ jokes work on something this silly but are agonizingly and frustratingly wasted on films like “Starcrash” at times is because this movie took itself so seriously. And why shouldn’t it? The effects, even now, are pretty good. Take a look at the featured image up there. That’s quality stuff. In any case, Jonah and the Bots due a great job here. They don’t overplay their hand, they simply go with the flow and get their hits in and, over the course of the entire episode, the riffs are totally solid. The butt of their noise is, of course, the late Doug McClure (who is either a Western actor or the guy from “Out of This World” depending on your age) who plays the square-jawed hero in this thing. The problem is that McClure is actually a decent leading man so they end up defaulting, mostly, to the German and British cast antics which means you’re bound to get a “Sound of Music” riff and several jokes about submarines (brilliant are the bits about finding Spongebob and the Yellow Submarine parody) which are funny even as predictable as they may be.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: This is my fourth favorite submarine movie…well, I only know of three others, so this is also my least favorite submarine movie.
67) 604 – Zombie Nightmare
A weird 80’s horror flick set in Canada about a young kid who is run over and killed by a bunch of psychotic teens — and then is resurrected by one of Canada’s many Voodoo priestesses so that he can commit cold-blooded gruesome revenge. “The Crow”, this isn’t, especially with Adam West as a cigar-chomping cop in on the entire Canadian Zombie Conspiracy. Come to think of it, that sounds like a great rock band name…I digress. Several things don’t make sense here. The least of which is how the hell a film this low-budget obtained the rights to Motorhead’s mega-hit “Ace of Spades”. The riffing is great here, poking fun at how silly the premise is and how it paints Canada in an unflattering light.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: You know, John Goodman on Hume Cronyn’s BACK could outrun this guy!
66) 505 – The Magic Voyage of Sinbad
Another handsome Russian production, this time with “Sinbad”, which isn’t really Sinbad. This is one of those MST3K episodes where the film is entertaining and sumptuous (the underwater and palace sequences are beautiful), but goofy, campy and cheap (my god, that laughing horse, right out of “Evil Dead 2” and “Santa Claus” is nightmare fuel) — and, therefore, right in the show’s wheelhouse. “Sinbad” is actually “Sadko”, but that’s the way America rolls with their translations. The riffing is right on with Joel and the Bots going right after Sinbad’s waffling and terrible planning. It’s great stuff. Not “Manos” or even “Mitchell” great, but it’s right there in one of the best episodes produced on the show.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO (as Sinbad): I’ve been all around the world and I’ve NEVER seen something as stupid as THIS.
65) 509 – The Girl in Lover’s Lane
“The Girl in Lover’s Lane” is another example of the show’s versatility. It’s a sad little melodrama and not bad at all despite the ridiculously low rating on IMDB (2.6 if memory serves). It’s a real movie with compelling characters and a heartbreaking ending. If one were to watch it without the MST3K treatment, they might be taken in by it. It doesn’t deserve to be here…yet, the boys SOMEHOW pull a fantastic riffing session from it, lampooning the film’s hero, “Bix Dugan”, dubbing him “Big Stupid” due to the way he first mumbles his name to Danny. It’s a running joke which sounds like it might get old quick due to the childish nature of the name, but it’s executed perfectly because the characters look the way Joel and the Bots envision them with Bix, the big dog, and Danny, the little mutt Bix cares for. Throw in Crow’s classic “I’m Jack Elam sketch” (his eyeballs are moved slightly to resemble Elam’s cross-eyed leering and it’s laugh-out-loud hilarious) and the episode is welcome in any Top Episode list.
BEST RIFF:
JOEL (as Carrie): This is a great date! I’ve always wanted to be nuzzled by a hobo.
64) 807 – Terror From the Year 5000
After some murky Universal adventures and a Corman dud, “Terror From the Year 5000” is just what the show needed. Yes, we’re still in black-and-white territory (we won’t see a color episode until the 10th episode) but this one is steadily-riffed from beginning to end (Servo acting as a liaison between the audience and the film and checking on “the terror” when it doesn’t materialize is a great running joke) and it feels more “loose”. Of note, one of the sketches is the brilliant, “When I Held Your Brain in My Arms” sketch, sung by The Observers. It’s one of the greatest moments of the eighth season and the show. Bravo.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Filmed in glorious black and…slightly LESS black…
63) 812 – The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
The man responsible for some of the cinematography in Season 5’s “Eegah”, Ray Dennis Steckler, comes at us with an ugly, surreal film about carnies and strippers and death and murder. To say the film is strange doesn’t do it justice. Picture “Eegah” or “Manos”, only slightly more dirty and less structured. A week’s worth of showers can’t get the smell of the film off anyone. It’s insanely hard to take in spots and the blows are only softened, somewhat, by odd, random musical numbers which the guys riff beautifully. The real good riffing, however, doesn’t happen until the last third of the film and that’s a tragedy because this episode could have been a true classic. That said, it isn’t bad at all.
BEST RIFF:
(Women dance around in skimpy clothing but don’t do much of anything sexy.)
MIKE: You know, the 14-year-olds who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point.
62) 705 – Escape 2000
Somewhere between “The Warriors” and “Escape from New York” lies “Escape 2000”, a film about a major conglomerate who is forcing everyone who they believe to be “undesirable” from “The Bronx” which is, in reality, Italy where the film is shot with some 2nd unit stuff based in ACTUAL New York. Whether or not you consider the riffing to be solid depends largely on how many “leave the Bronx” jokes you can handle as they’re peppered into the proceedings about every three minutes — though the bits about reporter Moon Grey being Nosferatu are great (Mike’s payoff riff about “needing a wooden stake” to finish her off after she’s shot gets a good belly laugh from me every single time) as is the confusion over Dablone’s name, which the guys dub “Toblerone”. Sketches are uneven, bordering on annoying as Dr. Forrester attempts to put his Mom in a “home” because he truly can’t stand her. So, Mary Jo Pehl is reduced to yelling “Clayton” every so often like she did in the “Deathstalker” sketches and I really can’t believe the writing was that lazy.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: The ultimate showdown between “vaguely evil” and “somewhat ambiguous”.
61) 817 – Horror of Party Beach
If “Catalina Caper” had decided to feature a monster instead of a robbery, you’d have “Horror of Party Beach”, a film with a creature so ridiculous, it makes “Revenge of the Creature” look like “Alien”. Forgiving the fact that there are about a jillion musical numbers and sequences where teens just make out for no reason, the main monster looks like it’s auditioning for “The Muppet Show”. The riffing is ultra-solid here as Mike and the Bots practically beg for relief from the tedium of non-stop songs and dance numbers which have absolutely nothing to do with the plot. This extends to a great sketch where Mike’s swim trunks don’t fit and he shows up to the SOL Dance Party completely nude.
BEST RIFF:
(People dance on the beach. Again.)
MIKE: I’m sure there’s some perfectly nice Tiger Sharks just off-shore who’d be willing to eat these people.
60) 422 – The Day the Earth Froze (w/ short: Here Comes the Circus)
Ah, a Russo-Finnish production, one of a few MST3K took on. To me, this is MST3K. This episode always makes me think of Thanksgiving because it aired during one of the Turkey Day Marathons. Whenever I do my yearly “Best of” in November, it’s an all-timer for so many reasons. The entire “SAMPO!” debate (another piece of established MST3K lore) not withstanding, the riffing is right on, with some great zingers concerning the Finnish actors and their accents. The bit with the flaming moose boat sliding down a hill and into the water is hilarious. The jokes during the Circus short are perfection, especially during the clown sequences when two gymnast clowns spank one another with brooms while hanging upside down on parallel bars (CROW: More! More! I’m a BAD clown!). The sketches are funny, depending on your taste with the stand-out being “Gypsy, Me”, Gypsy’s one-woman show. It’s one of the only times Gypsy has been allowed to shine and it’s wonderful.
BEST RIFF:
(Louhi’s people sleep in a giant cavern.)
SERVO (in a low, relaxing voice): And that’s the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average. Butch Thompson’s gonna come out with the band, they’re gonna do a medley of songs about cats; then Jim Ed Poole will do some cat sounds and then another episode of ‘Watching Paint Dry’, then Claudia Schmidt’ll come out and try to fill the gap in her teeth, and Pat Donohue and Peter Ostroushko are going to favor us with the story of ‘The Swede Who Didn’t Like Meatballs.'”
59) 608 – Code Name: Diamond Head (w/ short: A Day at the Fair)
If “Mitchell” was set in Hawaii and Joe Don Baker lost 100 pounds, you’d have Roy Thinnes as “Diamond Head”, an American spy going up against his equal played by the great Ian McShane(!). This failed 70’s TV pilot is perfect fodder for Mike and the Bots as they lampoon the show’s weird penchant for not showcasing the island’s culture or locales. The “Hawaii Five-O” jokes are chuckle-worthy as are the constant Code Name changes for “Diamondhead”. The sketches are repetitive bordering on clever depending on your patience level as Magic Voice finally gets another starring role, showing Crow and Servo how their lives would be different living with somebody else other than Mike on the SOL. All in all, it’s a fun episode with steady riffing.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Code Name: Cubic Zirconia Head!
58) 511 – Gunslinger
Roger Corman strikes again with a western action piece…but I can’t stay mad. It has Beverly Garland in a strong female role as a Marshall who runs things her way. It’s easily watchable just for this aspect. It’s also the perfect companion piece to “The Painted Hills” with its weird colorization and theme. It’s not as well-riffed as the thick tide of pearls Season 5 had to offer but it’s up there as Joel and the Bots go after Corman’s horrible editing and the fact that he actually had choreographers to teach the female actresses playing the saloon prostitutes how to dance. Adding to the characters’ inner monologues and their external dialogue is also hilarious. It’s just too bad the sketches aren’t on the same level.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Well, THERE’S a switch: someone’s shooting a postal worker!
57) 906 – The Space Children (w/ short: Century 21 Calling)
Somewhere between “Invaders From Mars” and “The Day the Earth Stood Still” lies “The Space Children”, a film about an alien blob which controls the minds of the children of Earth’s greatest atomic scientists and uses them to sabotage their parents’ work. It’s a strange, creepy, and sometimes, unpleasant film (the “Professor” from Gilligan’s Island practically abuses his son in a cringe-worthy scene) which is saved by some great riffing. Additionally, it’s nice to see a short here, the first in the SyFy era. It’s not the greatest short (about phones and telecommunication set in Seattle’s World’s Fair) but Mike and the Bots manage to get some great zingers in (the “How Do Animals Learn” exhibit sees Crow replying with “Well, as long as they learn to be delicious…”) and it’s a nice set-up for the dusty main feature.
BEST RIFF:
MOM: Children, will you stop chattering?!
CROW: Stop trying to form a BOND with us! We HAD you! Isn’t that ENOUGH?!
56) 516 – Alien from L.A.
The first of two features from producers Golan/Globus who also produced #519, “Outlaw” (of Gor, if you prefer). This was my first time ever viewing this episode, to be honest, and I had always heard that it was so-so. The first half of the thing is riffed VERY well. It’s a terrible, yet stylish film, evoking David Fincher’s early Gothic music videos before he finally found his groove. The show gets a LOT (and I mean a LOT) of mileage out of Kathy Ireland’s inexplicable Minnie Mouse voice while the rest of it focuses on the terrible acting and Ireland’s daftness. The sketches are pretty decent, my favorite being where Mike is forced by the Bots to judge what Ireland was feeling based on hand-picked stills from the film. Another solid Season 5 episode.
BEST RIFF:
WANDA: Why’d you even go out with me in the first place if I’m such a geek?!
MIKE (as Wanda’s boyfriend): Because I’m turned on by squeeze toys!
55) 814 – Riding With Death
Here, we have two episodes of the show “The Gemini Man” glued together. The last time we were in this situation was Season 3 and “Master Ninja”. This time, we get a couple yokels who know how to drive really well and who work with a secret agency who gives them the ability to turn invisible. The difference between “Riding With Death” and “Master Ninja” is the tighter, more veteran riffing. Being that the two main characters are total yokels, it’s not difficult. Kinda like a lighter version of “The Giant Spider Invasion”. It’s a fun episode.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (during credits): Is there such a thing as “Starring Ben Murphy”? Isn’t it more honest to say that, most of the time, the camera’s “POINTED at Ben Murphy”?
Another stuffy British film. This one’s about a singer who ends up on a bee farm where murderous hijinks involving bees ensues. The guys do a fairly good job riffing the thing, but the good stuff doesn’t come until about halfway through when it’s obvious just how convoluted the plot gets (“Mike, I’m just gonna look down at your shoes because that makes about as much sense as the movie,” Crow says at one point.) until it eventually trips over itself and ends weird with a random guy in a bowler cap walking from all the way into the background of the final shot to the foreground, which Mike and the Bots cannot even begin to comprehend. There’s some good stuff here. It’s not a perfect episode but a hell of a lot more zingers than some of the more popular episodes, if only the movie didn’t weigh things down so much.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Look at her go! I didn’t cigarettes had so many vitamins!
53) 1006 – Boggy Creek II: and the Legend Continues…
If you thought “The Giant Spider Invasion” exposed America’s hicks, then have I got a movie for you. “Boggy Creek II” (which is actually the third film in the Boggy Creek franchise) features a bunch of university students (who Crow says must be majoring in “Boggy Creek Studies”) who waltz out to the middle of nowhere in order to catch a glimpse of a Bigfoot-like creature. The movie is unforgivably terrible, with a two whiny female leads who don’t amount to much (though one tries to chew tobacco for reasons that are still unclear to me) and a young student named Tim whose shirt just won’t stay on throughout much of the movie. And in case you thought you were getting out of Boggy Creek without any mental scars, that all changes with the introduction of “Crenshaw”, a gigantic blob of a man with a fuzzy beard poured into denim overalls. You have to see him to believe him…and I can’t believe I’m saying that about THAT guy and not the titular creature.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: God bless you, half-man, half-pig!
52) 1106 – Starcrash
{Available on Netflix)
I had never heard of “Starcrash” until I saw it featured on MST3K. When I first reviewed the episode on The Workprint, I was amazed how many of my colleageus recognized it and told me I should watch it on its own. What I’ve seen here is just fun. An Italian import (with supporting roles from Christopher Plummer and David Hasselhoff of all people), it might evoke memories of “Space Mutiny” but it’s not. It’s like if “Star Wars” and MAD Magazine had a baby and put it on a movie screen. it’s absolutely ridiculous stuff, a film that knows it’s a complete rip-off of the the galaxy far, far away with Force-like powers which are convenient to the plot (Akton suddenly has the power to thaw a human being after they’ve been trapped in ice forever) and some familiar weapons (check out that laser sword thingee!). It’s hard to judge the jokes here because the film is fairly self-aware and, as a result, it’s fairly silly on its own. Crow calling it “a community theater production of ‘Guardians of the Galaxy'” is spot-on as his sketch where he creates a massive science-fiction epic of his own with “world building” and “so much pew, pew, pew, pew!”
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: Filmed over the weekend at Rick’s parents’ house.
51) 909 – Gorgo
Ever since the loss of the Sandy Frank properties (Godzilla, Gamera, et al), we’ve had to put up with badly rear-projected “giant insect” films. Finally, like a blessing from the heavens, “Gorgo” arrives…and it’s a British take on Godzilla, as we move away from Japan, a trend we’d see continue with “Reptilicus” (Denmark) and “Yongary” (South Korea). The great news is that it’s still just as riffable and it feels like old times with a really relaxed, go-with-the-flow feel. The guys have been here before and it shows as they spend most of the film taking shots at our good neighbors across the pond, mocking UK slang and making fun of their traditions (Mike’s line about “keeping the beer warm” is RIGHT ON) and the “Dorkin” jokes NEVER get old. There’s a lot of the UK in Season 9 and this is the best of their films featured here on the show. It’s also nice to see film critic Leonard Maltin make an appearance here. A longtime fan of the show, he fits right in and his back-and-forth with Pearl is so natural, it feels real.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE (as Gorgo): MCROAR! O’GROWL!
—
That’s it for the next 50…we will be back tomorrow to give you the final 50 episodes as we count down to #1 on Turkey Day!
It’s nearly Thanksgiving and we’re doing something only a couple of websites have done: watch every episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and rank each one.
I’d love to sit here and pontificate about the show’s history and how great it was…but 1) you’ve heard it all before 2) you don’t really wanna sit here and read what I think about the show’s history when so many other people have said what’s already been said and 3) we’ve gotta get going with this thing.
If you still insist on knowing what the hell I’m talking about, feel free to visit the following sites:
If you want to watch episodes with other MSTies, you can visit the following sites.
Club MST3K – This site compiles a full episode guide for the show along with corresponding streaming video of nearly every single episode available online. It also offers a forum to chat with fellow MSTies while you watch. 🙂 Where to See MST3K Episodes – This site does the same thing.
And last, but not least, if you didn’t get to read Part 1, you can do so here:
With all that out of the way, WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!
#150 is…
150) 803 – The Mole People
“The Mole People” has been seen on MST3K before. “The Wild Wild World of Batwoman” made reference to it and Dr. Forrester’s two henchmen, Jerry and Sylvia, were Moles. So, here we are, we’re on our third SyFy episode and our third Universal film (from SyFy’s vault) and it’s “The Mole People” starring John Agar and Hugh Beaumont and it’s dull. There’s a ten minute sequence where we’re just hiking and digging holes and crawling around in the dark. With NO MUSIC (Crow remarks that the music supervisor had it real easy). And that means Mike and the Bots do their best with what they’re given. The riffing gets a little better toward the middle but peters out again near the end. At least the sketches are halfway decent as Servo attempts to sing a folk song but has issues with his guitar, prompting Crow to tell him that he “couldn’t tune a kazoo” which still makes me laugh hard. Also, we finally get “our” Crow back as he goes on an archaeological dig and discovers the truth about himself and his past with Mike and Servo, so that’s out of the way.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Ah, treasure these brief moments…when John Agar ISN’T TALKING.
149) 805 – The Thing That Couldn’t Die
BEST OF REEL:
The fifth Universal picture in a row for Season 8 and, thankfully, it’s the last for a bit. This one’s about a severed head which makes people do unspeakable things…and the young woman who sees unspeakable things. It’s all as forgettable as the episode which mainly makes fun of the big dumb guy who originally discovers the head and keeps it sitting near a tree. Aunt Flavia’s mispronunciation of “treasure” is funny for about 3 seconds and becomes unbearable once the guys latch onto it and try to make it a thing. The sketch work is decent as we are introduced to “The Observers” (played by Bill Corbett, Paul Chaplin, and Mike Nelson) and their world.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: So, she’s kind of a “Ouija Broad”? (laughs to himself)
148) 623 – The Amazing Transparent Man (w/ short: The Days of Our Years)
Another case of the opening short overshadowing the feature completely, “The Amazing Transparent Man” leans on a running joke about a transparent Guinea Pig far too much. It’s cute but it’s not everything. The film is uninteresting and the riffing is just so-so, which is frustrating since “The Days of Our Years” is so hilarious despite the insanely bleak subject matter (the short focuses on at-work accidents that ruin the lives of ordinary people and it’s just awful to watch in any environment), that it just renders the feature moot.
BEST RIFF:
WOMAN: We’ve been at a party at Pritchard’s Point…and I’m afraid he overdid it.
MIKE (as woman): He’s a Kennedy.
147) 204 – Catalina Caper
MST3K takes on a wacky comedy caper film…and it works. Behold, “Catalina Caper”, a film with a guy who steals a painting, then heads to Catalina complete with a cast so blonde, they look like they’re from “Village of the Damned”. You know things aren’t going as planned when even Little Richard shows up and looks bored as hell. The guys have fun with the film with more than a few great riffs (SERVO: “Screenplay written in crayon.”; “JOEL: “Little Richard: the only real talent in this film!”) but it’s odd to see them attempting to riff on a comedy. Some of it doesn’t work so well. That said, the sketches are fun and it’s a much more lighthearted second season romp than, say, “The Sidehackers”. (Free on YouTube)
BEST RIFF:
(Man and Woman tread water and the man keeps touching her.)
WOMAN: You’ve got the wrong sport!
MAN: When does it become the RIGHT sport?
CROW: When ESPN merges with the Playboy Channel! Now, get under water!
146) 304 – Gamera vs. Barugon
The second Gamera film on MST3K has the giant turtle facing off against a monster that (checks notes)…emits a rainbow death ray. Yup. I don’t know if it’s the way it’s been edited but Gamera doesn’t really star much in this one. The riffing is decent with some good lines (SERVO: Look! It’s a bridge over troubled models!) but the humor is sparse and, at times, it comes across like a first year episode. The sketches are hilarious with at least two really funny segments in Joel trying to convince the Bots that “everyone in Hollywood wanted to be in a Gamera film” as he has Cambot show stills of the actors from the film and tries to pass them off as the likes of “Harrison Ford” and “Willem Dafoe” to which Crow responds, “Uh, Joel, when you went to the drive-in, did you spend a lot of time in the trunk?” The end segment where Joel shares books about the making of the Gamera films is also a scream, featuring a “book on tape of The Velveteen Turtle read by Meryl Streep” in which “Streep” reads the line, “You aren’t like the other toys, you’re different. That is why I…am going…to kill you. Why? Because YOU are GOING to DIE!” It’s very clever stuff. It’s just too bad the rest of the episode doesn’t follow suit.
BEST RIFF:
VOICE-OVER: Gamera is attracted to any form of heat energy…
CROW: And I’M attracted to Bea Arthur, go figure!
145) 307 – Daddy-O (w/ short: Alphabet Antics)
A mid-50’s B-movie starring Dick Contino as Phil, a street-racer who gets in too deep with the mafia. It’s perfect fodder for MST3K — which is puzzling since Joel and the Bots have an epic batting practice session with the short which precedes it in Alphabet Antics, where the boys make fund of each escalating letter of the alphabet (SERVO: “N is for Parade Float — wuh–HUH?!”) — but then pull some punches on Daddy-O when it counts. It does get somewhat better near the end (the second time Phil performs at the club is SO funny; the boys have a gift for mocking musical numbers in films) but there are moments when there are long periods of silence before the guys take a swing at the film and the jokes which do land aren’t great. It’s really too bad for an episode that had a promising start and wonderful sketches, culminating with the famous “button” on Deep 13 breaking down and no longer working — great stuff.
BEST RIFF:
(PHIL sings a slow, romantic pop groove in a nightclub, terribly.)
CROW: Why couldn’t THIS guy have been on the plane instead of Buddy Holly?!
144) 416 – Fire Maidens of Outer Space
Oh, man…there’s some real crap on this show…and then there’s some REAL crap on this show. Some guys find a slightly less advanced society that doesn’t matter because chicks, bro. There are long periods with no dialogue that drive one CRAZY and plenty of classical filler music. The whole thing feels like a student film. The episode isn’t much and is glued together by the whole running “Timmy” sketch where a dark, evil version of Crow runs amok on the SOL and attempts to bring down the members of the crew. It’s a cute idea but the riffing doesn’t match the sketches.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: There’s more action in the wallpaper!
143) 1011 – Horrors of Spider Island
This movie has it all: women, misogyny, women grinding, water, women taking their clothes off, hiking, women grinding on a deck, dancing, women cat-fighting over clothing and, eventually, I suppose…spiders that are really men in bad half-assed werewolf costumes. Kinda. Remember that moment where Crow said “Filmed in glorious black and…slightly LESS black”? THAT’S THIS FILM. It’s almost bad monochrome at times, ugly to look at by any stretch of the imagination. The women are all blithering idiots and the men are horny assholes who just mansplain and boss them around and manhandle them to the point where Servo remarks that the women might as well have handles on them to make them easier to carry. Almost nothing here has to do with spiders and it’s the sharp riffing near the middle and during the end that saves this episode from being a total loss. It gets so bad, Crow takes a break, saying that he deserves it “after 10 years of this”. At times, this show does wear you down like that.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Oh, man…I’m not just wondering if there’s a point to the movie now…I’m wondering if there’s a point to anything!
142) 606 – The Creeping Terror
Imagine if “Monster A-Go-Go” had an even worse film print, was slightly older and dustier and actually HAD a monster and the actors had to crawl up inside it to give the illusion that they were “being eaten”. That’s “The Creeping Terror”, the story of an over-sized, carnivorous rubber sack terrorizing a local town. The film is god-awful and, somehow, snuck by, undetected, as one of the worst films every featured on the show. The riffing gets better as it goes along but the film’s uneven descent from talkie horror film to pseudo-silent film doesn’t do Mike and the Bots any favors. Still, they hold their own with the material. It was at this point that one might start to notice the show’s more colorful, ambient turn. The lights on the SOL had been dimmed little by little and the ambient accent lighting had been turned up to highlight certain spots. Mike’s jumpsuit became a bright blue and the show seemed to have more visual pop during the sketch sequences.
BEST RIFF:
NARRATOR: Bradford dismissed Martin’s fears by pointing out that the creature was not exhibiting any signs of violence.
CROW: Aside from EATING PEOPLE.
141) 406 – Attack of the Giant Leeches (w/ short: The Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1)
A Corman-produced mess of a film with giant leeches (basically, people wearing big rubber suits) terrorize a local town of southern yokels. It comes with the first short in quite some time in “The Undersea Kingdom” which, thankfully, doesn’t get much play beyond Part 2. It’s more dull than Commando Cody, if that’s even possible and there’s maybe one or two good riffs which keep it somewhat afloat. This is one of the rare instances where the riffing on the feature is much better than the short before it — but not by much. Joel and the Bots get some mileage off the “dumb southerner” thing and the sequence where they simply blow up whatever is floating around in the lake is hilarious. But it’s a long time getting to these scenes and it’s hard sitting through fits of dialogue and seemingly endless shots of the leeches in their “underwater cave”.
BEST RIFF:
(Dave fires a shotgun round into the ground, scaring his wife.)
JOEL (as DAVE): Now, I know what you’re thinkin’: did I fire one shot or only one?
140) 611 – Last of the Wild Horses
Another MST3K episode, another Western. This one is murky and hard to hear, featuring a rancher war of epic proportions…but the main crux of the episode revolves around the gimmicky storyline sketch where an ion storm screws up the transfer of a Matter Transference Device to the SOL, which creates an alternate dimension in which a plucky, good version of Frank and Dr. Forrester are stuck on the SOL and an evil version of Mike and the Bots (well, Mike and Crow, anyway) end up on Deep 13. The entire thing is a parody of the old Star Trek (original series) episode, “Mirror, Mirror”. It gives us something different in that Dr. F and Frank get to riff the first portion of the film up until the first sketch. It’s all very clever but the riffs aren’t any funnier than they were when the regulars return to the theater. The riffing, itself, takes time to get off the ground and doesn’t pick up until about the second half where we get some great zingers (Mike: “That’s dating in the 90’s…THE 1890’s!”) but the episode feels too reliant on the running sketches rather than the theater jokes.
BEST RIFF:
CROW (as Narrator): And, now, Robert Lippert pretends he is John Ford…
It’s Roger Corman’s second feature on MST3K and, oof. As well-meaning as Corman is, he’s made a career out of B-movie schlock and this is a prime example of his early dreck: a meandering plot, loads of stock footage haphazardly pasted into the proceedings, and horrible acting by people who don’t fit the part. The riffing is solid, however, so there’s that, but most of the good stuff comes early on with the two shorts which precede the main feature. The second short is better than the first as it features a madman who wrangles wild animals for a living in the most unfriendly way possible which horrifies Joel and the Bots to no end. It’s just frustrating to see that early promise go out the window when the main film starts.
BEST RIFF:
(A caveman examines a hurt man in a cave as everyone watches.)
SERVO (as doctor): Give me the 3-0 Silk…now the metzenbaums…boy, this bullet is buried DEEP, close to his heart…
CROW: He was killed by a BEAR…
SERVO: Oh, uh…ahem…
138) 1007 – Track of the Moon Beast
Another episode, another crappy monster flick. This one is about a guy who is struck by a tiny part of meteorite and it causes him to turn into a freakin’ Gorn (the riff about being ready to fight Captain Kirk is just brilliant). It’s another grimy 70’s mess with terrible audio and bad acting but at least we have “Johnny Longbow” as the main hero! The riffing here starts out well, then sinks near the middle only to clean up well with a great ending where everyone “decides to act” before driving off as Mike points out “And they abandon the film one by one.” It’s not a great episode but it has its moments.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Well…I’ve learned something from this movie, you guys…
SERVO: Yeah, Crow?
CROW: Yeah, I learned my vomit can rise pretty high…and I can still tamp it down!
137) 403 – City Limits
It’s more 80’s sludge with a post-apocalyptic tale about teens who have survived a plague and their war against the rising powers that be and, just like “Space Travelers”, we have a somewhat decent cast in James Earl Jones, Kim Cattral, the insanely active John Stockwell and Robby Benson whose appeal I STILL don’t understand to this day. The riffing is steady here with a great freeze-frame opening credits callback to “Master Ninja” (“I’m Max Keller.”) and some deserved shots at Robby Benson. The sketches aren’t great but is buoyed by Crow’s somewhat sewn-together Kim Cattral ballad. Not the best of the series by any means, but still better than I expected given that I initially thought the episode was boring as hell.
BEST RIFF:
(The Clippers bust into Carver’s office — Carver is played by Robby Benson)
CROW: All right, Benson! What the heck have you been DOING in this movie?!
136) 408 – Hercules Unchained
The first of about a half dozen Hercules flicks in the MST3K library. This one is about Herc and his sex drive kicking into high after he drinks water that makes him forget who he is. It’s light movie pain this time around. The film is low-budget but looks good. The riffs get better after Herc’s arrival with some real winners revolving around Herc’s lust for Omphale and her female servants/dancers. The entire product, however, is brought down by weak sketches — though Mike Nelson is a riot as Steve Reeves who has taken up a career as an exterminator after his acting career didn’t work out.
BEST RIFF:
HERCULES: Ha, ha! I’m beginning to like this place!
QUEEN OMPHALE: And me?
SERVO (as HERCULES): Uh, YOU, I could take or leave.
Four Universal pictures in and the 8th season feels like it’s dragging. It isn’t that the films they’re showing aren’t worthy of the show, it’s that the lower-end Universal sci-fi/fantasy fare was fairly decent stuff B-movie stuff. It’s still riffable. Except for the opener (“Revenge of the Creature”) I just don’t think the guys ever really synced up right with these films. Here, the riffing is steady and solid. It gets better as it goes along, though most of the jokes revolve around the female lead in the film and come across as fairly juvenile (Though “There’s a mantis in my pantis” is inspired.). At least the plot outside the theater moves along somewhat as Mike and company are hurled into space after a nuke destroys what’s left of Earth. Pearl and Bobo manage to escape in Pearl’s rocket-powered VW Bus. The country-music-in-the-middle-of-nowhere sketch is great but the others are a bit of a mixed bag. That was the issue with the running storyline. It didn’t give the writers much to work with and, aside from the theater sequences, really weren’t much to look forward to.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: So, did you like meeting my privates? I MEAN THE GUYS BACK AT THE BASE!
134) 108 – The Slime People (w/ short: Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 6)
The aliens have landed and invaded Los Angeles. But you can’t see them. Like almost ever. Because the news describes them a lot and there’s a lot of fog which covers them up. There’s more fog here than “The Fog”. Our heroes drive from place to place and meet a dude with a goat (Servo: “It might work better if he made it into a coat instead of just carrying it around the whole time…”) before hiding out in a butcher shop (“Good thing they’re in a butcher shop…if one of them gets a black eye, they’ll have a cold steak to put on it!” says Joel.) and then eventually fighting the spear-tossing slime people. The episode is a riot with better joke pacing and great humor. Slightly above “The Crawling Hand” for the consistency. It’s joined but, yet, ANOTHER Commando Cody short which plays into a hilarious sketch where Joel and the Bots put Cody on trial. The Cody shorts would continue through most of Season 1 but it’s already reached a point of fatigue. The episode is available on YouTube.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: Look at this! Blonde hair!
SERVO: Yeah, you can USUALLY find blonde hair in a field of WHEAT…
CROW: At NIGHT!
JOEL: In FOG!
133) 313 – Earth vs. the Spider (w short: Speech: Using Your Voice)
It’s another Bert I. Gordon adventure which follows the legendary “The Amazing Colossal Man”. This one’s basically about a small town struggling to defeat a giant spider. It’s not the comedy masterpiece that was the adventures of Glenn but it does boast a great short about how to speak properly (“with lots of lip and tongue action”, the narrator says in a creepy voice, prompting laughs from Joel & the Bots) and some great sketches in “Spydor”, a spider-themed rock band as well as Crow’s passion for writing his prized screenplay, “Earth vs. Soup”. One of the other jokes that works well is the cop who laughs at his own jokes. This works precisely because the guys know when to quit with it and don’t drag it on throughout the episode. The episode is also notable for paying homage to the first season with the (possible) fate of Dr. Erhardt finally being revealed and a bit where Dr. Forrester and Frank both say “THANK YOU!” in the same tone after Joel scolds them for being so evil that they stole one of his inventions.
BEST RIFF:
[Reverse angle shot from the POV of the spider. All we can see are the guys surrounding a big furry leg.]
CROW: Oh, imagine if they had the budget to show it ALL!
132) 802 – The Leech Woman
It’s hard to watch this episode because of just how awful the men in the film treat the women in their life — and, perhaps, that was the entire point of the thing. Whatever the case, it’s a cruel film, a mean film. The stock footage of “Africa” doesn’t help things — though it provides for some good jokes from Mike and the Bots who point it out, ad nauseam. The riffing doesn’t get really good until the last third of the film, when June comes back from Africa and sees Neil for the first time in ages — and discovers he has a new fiance. It does have a great sketch, though, as the Bots attempt to extract Mike’s pineal juice to make themselves younger.
BEST RIFF:
CROW (as sleazy guy): Hey, what do you say we go home, turn up the thermostat to 85 and watch a little Matlock?
131) 402 – The Giant Gila Monster
Almost after a dozen episodes without one, MST3K returns to a tried-and-true formula: a giant monster movie. “The Giant Gila Monster” (from the director of episode 407’s “The Killer Shrews”) isn’t a great episode by any means but the consistency of funny riffing improves somewhat after a slew of by-the-numbers entries. The mockery of the male cast members’ penchant for propping their legs up on elevated objects is funny as hell and, thankfully, Joel and the Bots know when to quit so it doesn’t get old. The rest of the episode mocks the town drunk and Chase’s arbitrary musical numbers. This is a fun episode and most welcome after it felt like the show was beginning to buy into its own hype and mail a few episodes in.
BEST RIFF:
(Chase sings a song on his ukelele. His family looks at him, stone-faced.)
SERVO: Ouch! Tough room…
(His little sister does not look at all thrilled.)
JOEL: She’s trying to wish him into the cornfield right now…
130) 420 – The Human Duplicators
Richard Kiel is such a sweet guy, it’s hard to laugh at some of the guys’ jokes about him. The dude was a lot of fun in the two Bond films he starred in and was one of the most memorable villains in Bond lore. He was delightful in Happy Gilmore and easily had one of the best lines in the film (“And YOU can count…on ME, waiting for YOU in the parking lot!”…gets me EVERY single time). Regardless, Kiel’s the butt of many of the jokes here. Perhaps Joel felt bad about that and that’s why he becomes the guys’ pseudo-hero in “Eegah!”, shown in the 5th season. Regardless, the episode is steadily riffed, but not quite on par with the last few episodes before it this season. It’s the episode after this that begins a nice streak that ends the fourth year of MST3K nicely.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: “This is ‘Beverly Hills Cop’, only the slow, white version.
129) 1205 – Killer Fish
(Available on Netflix)
“Killer Fish…is like watching the entire 1970’s go on the world’s worst vacation”, according to Kinga Forrester. And it is. And the frustrating thing about the episode is that the execution of the film makes everything uneven. One moment, you’re dealing with Lee Majors in a shower. The next, you’re witnessing a photoshoot. The next, you’re seeing piranha eat somebody while James Franciscus somehow channels Guy Pearce as he smugly stands in front of a piranha tank like a James Bond villain. The film is, at the very least, watchable. Of the six films presented thus far, it’s quality. The riffing, however, comes in fits. When it slows down, it really slows down. When the riffing takes off and the cast starts hitting jokes like the Steph Curry rains three-pointers, it’s hilarious. The best shots come near the end, when our group of heroes is attempting to survive being stranded on a boat in the middle of the piranha-infested lake. The belly-laughs are few and far between, however, as most of consistent riffs only induce mild chuckling, at best. The problem is that there’s always some sort of un-riffable sequence that murders any momentum Jonah and the Bots create. Case-in-point: the inclusion of Growler, Gypsy and M. Waverly during the bit where Karen is attacked in the reservoir by the piranha. Suddenly, Growler comes into the theater with, along with M. Waverly and a piano. Gypsy hangs from the ceiling and a full-on song breaks out. The entire cast appears to be having fun…but it just isn’t funny. It’s silly. Might it have worked better as a sketch? Yes! Considering just how weak the sketches are in this episode, the song would have gone a long way in improving things on that front. The beauty of MST3K is the simplicity. Every single character has a place in the show. We’ve done different characters in the theater. It’s an experiment that hasn’t worked. Furthermore, Growler makes about a half dozen more appearances in the theater throughout the film and, aside from his first bit (the Kool-Aid bit listed below), his quips are really off-putting. This sort of thing worked for Joel in Cinematic Titanic…but this isn’t Cinematic Titanic. So, while the riffing saves this from being a total loss, it’s too sparse. Combine that with weak sketch work and “Killer Fish” is the weakest offering of the 12th season.
BEST RIFF:
(A prop plane takes off, flying over water.)
CROW: Good move! The director is high-tailin’ it out of here!
128) 602 – Invasion U.S.A. (w/ short: A Date With Your Family)
A bunch of people walk into a bar and watch as World War 3 unfolds on live TV…very slowly. In fact, it’s more like a mix of stock footage and people watching a sweaty guy frantically read about how much we suck at war. Anyhow, Russia eventually takes over everything and one of their soldiers tries to rape one of the female characters in a fairly disturbing scene where she struggles and falls to her death — except the whole thing’s a dream. Aren’t you glad? This. Movie. Sucked. Even by MST3K standards. It’s awful and painful on every single level and the riffing barely saves it as there’s just far too much talking and dialogue, though they do manage some great lines near the end during the taxi driver sequence. The short is the highlight of this episode. It’s sexist as hell and way outdated and the guys make sure to go all in with that, making cracks about the darkness of the otherwise perfect American family.
BEST RIFF:
(Lots of talking occurs)
SERVO: Will somebody PLEASE invade SOMETHING!
127) 522 – Teenage Crime Wave
Two murderous teens break out of prison and escape to the country where the terrorize a wholesome farm family. “Teenage Crime Wave” is one of the films featured on the show that’s watchable to the point where the riffs don’t matter much and that’s probably why sitting through this one is a bit of a chore. It’s still funny but not “funny ha-ha” as the young kids say these days. The sketches are also pretty fun. The SOL Deil sketch needed more time to breathe but the “Mystos Commerical” sketch was perfection, even though it bordered on heavy-handed comedy overkill. Mentos commercials were terrible on their own so a parody feels like it’s low-hanging fruit.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: At this point, it’s more like a “Teenage Crime RIPPLE”.
126) 901 – The Projected Man
Season 9 starts with a stuffy British film about a professor (played by Bryant Halliday who was “Vorelli” in 818’s “Devil Doll”) who becomes a killer after he’s transported or “projected” to another location nearby. The film’s tone reminds me a bit of 1101’s “Reptilicus”, only with a murderer instead of a giant lizard. The riffing isn’t totally memorable though Tom Servo’s obsession with Sheila, a woman who spends a good portion of the film in plaid picnic blanket lingerie, produces some big laughs. The riffing does get stronger near the end but it’s nothing to write home about. The episode IS notable for finally ending the continued storyline sketches as a wormhole sucks everyone back into their own dimension, pre-ape apocalypse, and sees Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy wandering into “Castle Forrester”, a structure that has been in Pearl’s family for generations. It’s here that the “Deep 13” vibe returns, somewhat, and episodes can be enjoyed out of order once again.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Youo know, even when stuff’s happening in this movie, stuff doesn’t happen.
125) 1004 – Future War
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, along comes another MST3K feature which says “hold my beer”. “Future War” stars Daniel Bernhardt, a Jean Claude Van Damme look-alike who starred in several “Bloodsport” sequels, as a (checks notes) mute, kickboxing slave from another time who crash lands on Earth and joins a hooker-turned-nun in the fight against dinosaurs that are bred to hunt slaves. It’s insanity. There’s no other way around it. It’s cheap, too, and it’s hilarious to watch Bernhardt kick and choke and punch dinosaurs. The problem is that the riffing is kinda dull until about midway through the feature when it finally picks up — then frustratingly peters out. By then, it’s hard not to wish for the episode to simply end.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: See, I COULD point out that this isn’t “the future” and it’s not a “war”, but…you know me, I don’t like to complain.
124) 806 – The Undead
We’re on our first (and last) Corman adventure of the SyFy era. We wouldn’t see another Corman production until Season 11 at this point. And it’s time to get weird. A woman is hypnotized and sent back to medieval times where unrelated stuff happens. It’s so goofy and weird, it makes everything we’ve seen so far from Corman look like a set of masterpieces. The riffing is frustratingly uneven on this one to start, then gets going midway through when all hell breaks loose (literally) to the point where Mike says the film needs a flow chart and remarks, “I’ve never known more about what ISN’T going on in a movie.” The Livia sketch is one of my absolute favorites as she visits the SOL, then can’t control transforming into various creatures and objects, such as a football and a container of bleach, which she eventually remains because she gets “stuck”. Good stuff.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: You know, when Satan thinks you’ve gone too far, you’ve gone too far.
123) 1009 – Hamlet
The Bard meets MST3K as Mike and the Bots take on Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”, an episode which is infamous for being one of the worst on the show. It’s not close to that. That’s not to say it’s the greatest. The version they watch is crusty and old (a German dubbed version that Mike “won” the privilege of watching after beating Pearl in a game of Three Card Monte; he really wanted something by Branagh or even Mel Gibson’s version but Pearl turns out to be crafty) but the guys are all in with their riffing. This is one of the most famous plays in all of history. When would there be another chance at something like this? The production is dull. Black-and-white. No real decor. It’s bare bones theater. Yet, the guys make the absolute best of this. Usually, in moments like this, they sell the guys as afraid and accepting of their fate. Not so. Yes, the riffing doesn’t always hit but, when they do, it’s good: “May a flight of angels see thee to they rest” is met with “But they’re Northwestern Angels, so they’ll be late.” It’s playful stuff.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: This place could use a shrub…hell, even a stick would cheer it up.
122) 1010 – It Lives By Night
It’s a bat…man. A scientist who deals with bats runs afoul of the little night rats and — you guessed it — starts to become a bat himself. Or a weird gorilla/wolfman thing depending on the terrible lighting. The film is your usual dreary 70’s pile of crap this show foisted on us in the latter years of the SyFy era but the riffing is a hell of a lot of fun and the hilarity involving the guys’ incredulity that bats could do much damage, if any, to the locals. Servo’s disbelief that a “creature that weighs one pound kicked a guy’s ass” is so genuine, you can’t help but laugh.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: So, who’s this movie’s target audience?
SERVO: Oh, I don’t know…a bat fetishist named “Stan”…and even he missed this.
121) 311 – It Conquered the World (w/ short: Snow Thrills)
It’s Peter Graves vs. a flying…something. It’s like a bat mixed with a bird mixed with an oven mitt. And it possesses your family and friends like Pokemon Go! and makes them do weird shit. This is the first Corman flick we’re subjected to on this series (we’d see him two more times in the next six episodes) and it’s a lot of fun to watch by itself. The riffing (which is slightly better on “Snow Thrills”) is fairly steady here with several of the jokes coming at the expense of Peter Graves. Crow’s Peter Graves impression is right on and we would revisit that obsession two years later in Episode 517 with “The Beginning of the End”.
BEST RIFFS:
CROW (as Peter Graves): Next, on Biography, ME, being terrorized by a giant plastic flying mitten!
Dogs dressed in weird fabric attack a bunch of drunken morons on an island in a film directed by the man who brought us “The Giant Gila Monster”. It’s the perfect complement to the episode prior to it in “Attack of the Giant Leeches” in that the star attraction (the “shrews”) are as ridiculous as the “leeches” in the last film. The crew spends most of the time trying to riff on the horrible audio in the film but the best riffs come at the end when the action ramps up and the Shrews go on the attack. It’s frustrating to see another movie go to waste like that but the last half hour is worth the wait. Some funny sketch work makes up for the rest of it which is great since we get a somewhat lackluster sketch involving rodeo cowboys.
BEST RIFF:
(The group opens the fence door and looks around.)
SERVO (as main character): Well…looks like the coast is clear!)
(CROW and JOEL suddenly make attacking, rabid shrew sounds.)
119) 503 – Swamp Diamonds (w/ short: What to Do on a Date)
Another Roger Corman adventure, this time in the Louisiana swamps where a group of women who just broke out of prison go on a quest for hidden diamonds in the Bayou. This flick would be NOTHING without the great Beverly Garland who would go on to become one of MST3K’s biggest ambassadors next to Miles O’Keefe of “Cave Dwellers” fame. The riffing here starts well enough with the “dating” short which tells you how to ACT on a date rather than what to do or where to go. This inspires all the sketches on the show as Servo attempts to take Gypsy out on a date that ends in Gypsy putting him in the Friend Zone. Funny stuff. The riffing on Swamp Diamonds starts slow but gets better as it goes along. Most of the jokes come at the expense of the notion that every single women in the film shamelessly attempts to get into his pants as well as the cattiness of the female actresses. It’s a fun episode, if not all that memorable.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Do you guys think it’s possible that the Video Watchdog people are WRONG and that Roger Corman really IS a terrible director?
A weird medical monster movie starring Tor Johnson who you’d THINK the jokes would revolve around — but they only target him when necessary. Most of the funny stuff comes at the expense of the doctor stuff, which the boys have a history of excelling at with “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die”, “Ring of Terror”, and “The Atomic Brain” just to name a few. It also helps that the episode has fantastic riffing on two great shorts in “Posture Pals” and “Appreciating Our Parents”. Joel has the line of the week on the latter when the narrator says that the little boy, for the time being, must “put things away”. Joel: “Yes, like all his hopes and dreams!” Great stuff.
BEST RIFF:
JOEL: Man, the doctor lives in the same house and you still have to wait an hour?!
117) 318 – Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
The final Sandy Frank film we’re subjected to is the sequel to whatever the hell we saw in the original “Fugitive Alien” — only it makes even less sense. The riffing is a lot of fun on this one, far more loose and relaxed than the original “Fugitive Alien” and noticeably better than the episode which came before this one in “Viking Women”. The style very much reminds one of sitting in the dark with your friends, late on a summer evening, tossing back some cold ones and watching a really crappy movie and just having fun. Even the expansion of the “Forklift Song” works and doesn’t feel repetitious due to the constant change in lyrics which precede the chorus. It’s a nice send-off in the Sandy Frank parade of films.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: So! Let’s review the plot so far: they went into outer space and, uh…let’s see, uh…oh, wait a minute, it’s, uh…
CROW: Yeah…
SERVO: They went into space…it’s on the tip of my tongue!
CROW: Oh, I know! I know! They suffocated for awhile!
SERVO: Yeah!
JOEL: Then came lots of explosions…
(SERVO and CROW make ship and firing sounds)
116) 113 – The Black Scorpion
The first season concludes the same way it began: with a black-and-white creature feature. This one features giant mutant scorpions (or just regular scorpions…I dunno) who go nuts all over Mexico. The episode ends the first year on a nice high note which is fantastic, considering the slow start it had. There are some great lines here, with a free-wheeling relaxed style from the cast. Servo (as Ramos): “I’ll just move this high voltage power line with this piece of metal…let me dip it in water first.”. There’s a roar heard off-screen as two men hold a rescued baby. Servo: “No more beans and tortillas for THAT kid.” A Mexican man warns Dr. Ramos not to go on his journey. Crow: “Look, Frank…drop the cheesy accent…” A precocious kid serves Tequila to adults as Joel says “Take a shot for yourself, little buddy!” and Servo dubs him a “kiss-up”. Just some good stuff. The film, itself, reminds me a lot of the 5th season’s “The Beginning of the End”. It’s so silly. Squeaking prehistoric scorpions which have somehow survived inside of rocks…I just can’t.
BEST RIFF:
NARRATOR: And, then…tragedy struck!
JOEL: “We ran out of stock footage!”
115) 417 – Crash of Moons (w/ short: General Hospital, Part 3)
It’s another round of “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger” and if you loved epic plotlines involving invisible rockets…you’re gonna LOVE endless sequences of rockets taking off and landing…and taking off…and landing…and taking off and landi–AAAAAAAAAAA!!! The riffing here is about the same as it was on the last entry with a little less emphasis on Rocky, Bobby and Winky. The sketches are decent, with the highlight being the VERY cute “Gypsy Moon” sketch where Crow and Servo attempt to serenade Gypsy and get her to fall in love with them. This, by the way, is the last time we’ll see “General Hospital” and that’s a damn shame because I think they were riffed beautifully.
BEST RIFF:
CROW (as narrator): Even in the future, booze satisfies!
114) 413 – Manhunt in Space (w/ short: General Hospital, Part 1)
Two episodes of “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger” are put together, a’la “Fugitive Alien” to make “Manhunt in Space”, a film which gets some great riffing courtesy of the constant referral to “invisible” ships…which shouldn’t be that hard to find, despite the insistence of every single character saying otherwise. The rest of the jokes come at the expense of “Winky” and “Bobby” who are two of the most annoying sci-fi kids since the Gamera films. The riffing style reminds me a lot of what was on “Rocketship X-M” and that’s just fine with me. The riffing is even good on the “General Hospital” soap opera short (which my Mom watched at one point in her life) which makes for an incredibly fun episode.
BEST RIFF:
REGGIE: No use kidding ourselves, Vena. It’s like a million to one shot that we’ll ever be seen…
CROW: Oh, they’re on Comedy Central!
113) 109 – Project Moonbase (w/ shorts: Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon, Chapters 7 & 8)
Two more Cody shorts to lead off — and they’re both hilariously riffed (the line about “Cody Institute for Selective Editing” is great, poking fun at the silly “cliffhanger” endings of each chapter that don’t work once you see the solution edited in during the opening of the next chapter). That was just a harbinger for things to come. “Project Moonbase” is just a fun ride. Gone are the gritty, ugly black-and-white monster films we’ve been seeing. We get pure sci-fi here and it’s still awful. Sexist as hell (the big boss threatening to spank a young Captain is just unforgivable) and not so futuristic (the Dodgers are still playing in Brooklyn, according to a radio broadcast; “This is the future where the Dodgers were sold BACK to Brooklyn,” says Crow. The pauses between riffs are gone. Joel and the Bots are rapid fire as the movie just provides perfect fodder for them with the cheesy effects and horrible characterizations. Joel & the Bots outright booing the ending is just the cherry on top of a great first season cake. The sketches are a lot of fun (SPACOM!) as the stiffness is gone and the interaction between Joel, Servo and Crow is much more natural. This is, easily, one of the best episodes of Season One.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: “Spanking really IS protocol in the upper echelons of NASA.”
112) 112 – Untamed Youth
This is the first song-and-dance film the show got a hold of and it’s SO good. Joel & the Bots rarely fail when it comes to movies with musical numbers and the ones seen in this film are so odd and corny, the frustrated tone of the riffs is perfect: when a character just arbitrarily begins shuckin’ and jivin’ and singing (acapella, which just makes it even weirder) in a cotton field, Servo just goes “Shut up…don’t even start,” and all you can do is laugh because the scene just FEELS that way, especially with the lack of musical accompaniment. That’s every other sequence in the film, a few of them courtesy of then-fantasy girl, Mamie Van Doren who wails and gyrates so much, I’m surprised she didn’t dislocate something. There’s a great line where she’s on a bed, posing seductively with a piece of cloth pulled over her bent leg, prompting Servo to say “Check out that LEVER! NICE fulcrum!” It’s simple stuff like that which makes the episode a riot. The sketches aren’t great, however. Gypsy having a virus is a cute idea (she needed a spotlight) but it’s just a little boring. Regardless, this and “Project Moonbase” are a joy to watch in the first year and this is the best of Season One.
BEST RIFF:
(One of the cotton pickers in the fields just randomly sings and dances in a cotton field. Everyone joins him, singing and dance and it’s really weird.)
JOEL: Interesting enough, this scene was included in the film, “Scared Straight”…
111) 415 – The Beatniks (w/ short: General Hospital, Part 2)
A black-and-white “Beatnik” musical of sorts which devolves into a noir thriller. The jokes fly fast and furious right out of the gate, thanks to another round of “General Hospital” which just asks for verbal fists to the face. The best parts of the episode center around the musical numbers, like every other episode featuring a “musical”. The riffs are great during these spots and everything else is fairly even-keel, too. It’s too bad the sketch-work isn’t on par with the rest of it, but so it goes.
BEST RIFFS:
CROW: “You know, if any real Beatniks come by, it’s really gonna be embarrassing…”
110) 523 – Village of the Giants
We arrive at the final Bert I. Gordon romp of MST3K’s run (so far — the Netflix era has only just begun) and it’s odd for Gordon. Gone is the thoughtful camp, replaced by gratuitous sequences of scantily clad men and women dancing in slow motion, jiggling everything they have on their bodies. And, as Crow says during the first round of it, “So far, there’s not one thing wrong with this movie!” But, therein lies the problem: the line between sophomoric jokes and true incredulity is very thin and there’s not a whole lot that can be done with giant boob jokes. The rest of the time is spent making fun of Tommy Kirk’s dweebiness and Ron Howard (who is in single digits here) for making “Willow”, which the boys debate over in a running joke that runs the length of the film.
BEST RIFF:
(The teens dance endlessly.)
CROW: Mike, do you think this scene is providing characterization and establishing narrative?
MIKE: No…but who cares?
109) 421 – Monster A-Go-Go (w/ short: Circus on Ice)
I think my next MST3K list will be “The Worst Films Shown on MST3K”. I mean, they’re almost always horrible but some are more watchable than others. But, sometimes, there comes a film that even riffing doesn’t fix. This might be one of those. There’s a monster on the loose and government agents (or whatever) are after it. It kills and murders. And then, at the end, there was no monster. It was all made up. You can’t really hear the dialogue which just adds to the confusion. The riffing is somewhat steady with some great lines (Servo playing the narrator promising “unspeakable horror” over and over is great) and the show’s “Pina Colada song analysis” sketch is absolute gold. It’s just too bad the short isn’t very good.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO (as NARRATOR): This is a test. Had this been an ACTUAL movie, you would have been entertained!
108) 601 – Girls Town
Mamie Van Doren stars as a woman who goes to an all-girl reform school where Paul Anka is the object of every girl’s dream. Like, he’s actually a visitor at the school and girls drool all over him. And he actually singes “Ave Maria” inside a church in one of the most embarrassing, hokey musical moments in film history. The film is largely unappealing due to the behavior of the male characters (the film literally opens with an attempted rape…which two other characters ignore) and I just can’t get with it. That said, the guys do a good job riffing the movie — but it doesn’t really pick up until about a quarter of the way through and they do nothing but add to the sexism by making light of the rape attempt which does not age well upon modern viewings. The episode IS notable for adding in the “Umbilicus” gimmick where Dr. Forrester tethers the SOL to Earth and is also able to send and receive objects to and from the ship.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: This song is longer than “In-a-Gadda-da-Vida”…
What would you do if you took “Charlie’s Angels” and cast it with actresses who couldn’t act? Well…you’d probably STILL have “Charlie’s Angels”, honestly. It’s the type of film Uma Thurman describes in Pulp Fiction (“Fox Force Five” — something even Mike and the Bots make a reference to during the riffing) starring about a half dozen ladies attempting to break up a drug ring run by Jack Palance. Jim Backus and Alan Hale (who would later be seen in “The Great Spider Invasion”) also make appearances here in a film that tries so hard to be sexy, it ends up being a boring parody of films that do it right. Even Mike and the Bots become disillusioned when the “Angels” make two drug dealers remove their clothes on a public beach and declare that the director of the film “doesn’t have Ed Wood’s passion for this kind of material.” The riffing is fairly solid but is more of a fit of incredulous reactions to this rip-off of “Charlie’s Angels”.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: All right! You know what? I’m just givin’ in and LOOKIN’ at the breasts.
106) 816 – Prince of Space
The first Japanese import we’ve had during the SyFy era, “Prince of Space” is about a goofy hero with a face-guard and a cape who defends the Earth against “Krankor”, a kinduva human Muppet with a really weird, slow cackle of a laugh. It’s not as endearing or fun as the “Gamera” films or anything Sandy Frank brought us and the jokes get old quick (Did anyone explain that the constant “cram school” riffs were overbearing to the point of being borderline racist?) but, overall, the riffing is mostly fun. The sketches, while not entirely funny, are interesting as Pearl and the SOL are sucked into a wormhole, causing some weird crap to to occur aboard the ship (conversations are out of order, Mike becomes a robot, and Mike and the Bots end up in a weird dimension where the bridge is transformed into an actual forest) before Pearl and her minions find themselves in ancient Roman times, another ridiculous stop on the way to normalcy. It’s not a bad episode, just not at the bar the show has set.
BEST RIFF:
(The camera pans across empty streets.)
CROW: A rare Godzilla-free day.
105) 819 – Invasion of the Neptune Men
This would be the last Japanese flick featured in the SyFy era and it’s a doozy. If you thought Krankor and his invasion of Earth was clunky and awful, just wait until you experience the last third of “Invasion of the Neptune Men” which features non-stop shots of radars and missiles and ships firing at one another and exploding…all to the point where Mike and Crow actually lose hope and semi-retire from watching the film for a bit. Reminiscent of yelling for “The Wild Wild World of Batwoman” to end, Servo losing it near the end of this film, with his “Stock Footage Song”, is as soul-cleansing as it is hilarious. It’s just too bad the riffing isn’t as consistent during the first half. The sketches are so-so with a silly “Who’s On First”-inspired sketch about Noh Theater and how it relates to Kabuki Theater. The best moment (which is anything but the dumb “ancient Rome” sketches with Pearl and Brain Guy) comes from Krankor visiting the SOL during Mike and the Bots’ darkest hour, as they’re huddling in fear and confusion over the hellish mess that is the movie. It’s a surprisingly moving moment that makes you smile…if only for a few minutes before we witness the awful climax of the movie.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: You know, maybe the Japanese didn’t know they were making a film, per se, Maybe they thought they were…working in a different medium, like fabric sculptures or something…
104) 201 – Rocketship X-M
Changes were abound with the lead-off episode of the second season of the show. The intro sequence no longer looked cheap, with better models and new footage. The ship’s bridge had been completely re-designed to look more industrial, adding flashing beacon lights at the top of the ship’s hallway door behind Joel. The “Hexfield Viewscreen” gimmick was introduced where Joel and the Bots could now be contacted by various beings and people outside the ship — even though the viewscreen’s door wasn’t there yet, so Joel and the Bots simply turned off the light inside the compartment housing the actor on the other side of the screen and pretended they were gone. Deep 13 was more immersive. We got to see more of Dr. Forrester’s secret base of operations and Jerry and Sylvia, Dr. Forrester’s horrific housefly/human hybrid things, were also introduced. Josh “J. Elvis” Weinstein had left the show to find his fortune, so two changes had to be made: Dr. Erhardt could no longer be Dr. Forrester’s right-hand man and Tom Servo’s voice had to be re-cast. I’ve never liked Dr. Erhardt. I always thought he was whiny and annoying and he never connected with me. Enter Frank Conniff who not only filled in as Clay’s second banana…Frank became a legend. Literally named “TV’s Frank”, he’s arguably one of the greatest characters in comedy television because he’s accessible. He’s supposed to be “evil” for all intents and purposes, but he’s lovable because he’s a goofball. You can’t help but feel terrible for him as Forrester pushes him around and abuses him because he’s human. He has empathy and he’s hilarious. So, that was one casting issue out of the way. Servo’s big shoes were filled by the great Kevin Murphy who would play the voice of Servo for the next nine years until the end of the 10th year. This Servo was more jovial, more expressive, more alive. He could sing (in harmony…just wait until “The Starfighters”…my god, it’s gorgeous) and he could shoot the breeze and you were laughing. So, while I miss Weinstein, I don’t totally grieve his absence on the show. In any case, the second season gets off to a roaring start with all the new blood injected into the show. The writing became much better. Riffing was tighter and more natural and films were slightly more edited to eliminate dead spots. Jokes were rapid-fire, better-timed and more of them seemed to land and induce a good laugh thanks to Joel and the Bots becoming more observational and riffing during dead spots where there wasn’t any dialogue and, most important, they stopped coldly reading lines. More emotion and acting was put into the riffs. Perhaps “Rocketship X-M” is a simple, run-of-the-mill episode, perhaps it isn’t. It’s still very funny, with the guys lampooning Lloyd Bridges’ “SeaQuest” time with the immortal running MST3K riff, “By this time, my lungs were aching for air” as well as the guy from “The Rockford Files” who never seems to shut up. Everything is much improved. Even the sketches have more energy (future host Mike Nelson plays a space vixen who Joel speaks with using his pop culture knowledge of “space vixens”. Great stuff, all around.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: We’re still drifting…
CROW: …off to SLEEP!
103) 208 – The Lost Continent
Get ready…for HOT…ROCK…CLIMBING…ACTION! Oh my god, this film. I lost weight watching Robert Lippert’s epic where these guys traipse through the jungle and climb endless rocky mountain summits to view — and then shoot — stop-motion dinosaurs. The riffing starts out slow but picks up speed once the men reach the “Lost Continent”. Most of the jokes have to do with the sheer amount of rock-climbing footage seen here, but you’d be amazed at how much MILEAGE those jokes get in this episode mainly because Joel and the Bots play everything as fed up and frustrated. The skits are the weakest thing about the show. One of them is half-realized, with Mike Nelson playing Hugh Beaumont for the very first time. He’d reprise that role later on in the series. Even still, when the riffing does pick up, it quickly moves up this list.
BEST RIFF:
(EVEN MORE rock-climbing scenes are shown)
SERVO (as narrator): “From the director who brought you that earlier stuff…more of the same!”
CROW: Doesn’t the action let up for a MOMENT?!
JOEL: This is better than that Indiana Jones truck sequence!
The first of the Japanese monster films on MST3K is a Godzilla film — one of two. After this, Gamera would become the preferred MST3K Kaiju. It’s a great episode. The film is your typical Godzilla film: a couple monsters shake loose and wreak havoc in Japan. Jet Jaguar, a robot invented by a total goofball inventor who runs around, toting his nephew with his friend, is sent to summon Godzilla to take them out. The riffing is fast here with the boys mocking “Roxanne”, the nephew of the inventor in the film, mercilessly. It’s not hard to see why. He talks with this whiny, high-pitched voice and you just want him to shut up. The film is just bizarre with lots of unnecessary close-ups and characters doing some stupid things (One of the main characters is seen on a surveillance camera…he knows it’s there and waves at it; Crow goes, “It’s the All-Idiot Channel!”). The big climatic monster fight is plain silly with Jet Jaguar becoming 100 feet tall and battling two monsters alongside Godzilla — who has somehow learned how to slide forward on his tail. The sketches are funny as hell, with the highlight being the insanely dark-humored “Orville Redenbacher” popcorn sketch which ends with Crow berating his “son”, played by Tom Servo as Servo screams in anguish over the lack of a life he has being related to his “dad”, Orville. It’s apropos of nothing, but it doesn’t need to be when it’s this well-executed. The episode is also notable for Joel finally ditching that god-awful baby blue jumpsuit and debuting his trademark crimson red jumper.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: Hey, listen! It would be funny if the earthquakes destroyed your robot!
JOEL: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!
101) 302 – Gamera
With Godzilla films out of the running, MST3K introduced us to “Gamera”, a giant turtle that could fly and breathe fire and trash Japan just like its spiritual cousin, Godzilla. The film was a creation of Japan’s Daiei Films and was intended to try and grab some of that sweet 60’s Giant Japanese Monster money. The riffs in the film come at the expense of Kenny, the little kid in the film who somehow befriends Gamera and is allowed, by the Japanese military, to pretty much do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to do it. Like the Joey the Lemur stuff in “King Dinosaur”, the joke never gets old because the characters pretty much DO allow Kenny to do what he wants and keep doing it throughout the movie. The sketches are great, as well, with Servo singing a ballad for Kenny’s turtle as Crow completely messes it up. We also meet “Gamera” who is represented by Mike Nelson. (“I don’t have to separate my laundry because it’s…all green,” he says). Still, besides the Kenny stuff, the movie is so goofy, Joel and the Bots miss some targets, so it’s not as good as it should be.
BEST RIFF:
(Kenny looks at Gamera as he comes up over a hillside. Gamera looks back at him.)
CROW (as Gamera): Those kids at school, they tease you, Kenny…because they’ve never tasted HELL. Today, we turn the tables!
—
That’s it for the next 50…we will be back tomorrow to give you the next 50 episodes as we count down to #1 on Turkey Day!
Ah in every great series dedicated to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or forensic profiler, there’s always a Freud episode. Welcome to Prodigal Son’s.
Freud episodes, much like their namesake, are never subtle. Take this one: Malcolm has his usual nightmares about the past only to wake up in another dream that takes on a more sinister tone. A (presumably) naked woman is in his house and, after taking one of his katanas, heading towards his bed. He knows this is a dream, knows he can’t stop it, though he keeps trying, but then things get kinky. The girl (also gonna assume she’s the one from the box) crawls under his bed and starts stabbing upwards. There’re a few side blows, but the two Freud would single out is the one to the crotch – close to – and the one through the chest. Malcolm explains to his therapist that it represents all of his fears culminating, but she has a different take: Malcolm’s horny.
Yep. That’s Freud. If you’re not horny, you’re dying. Death and sex, those are the two drives in everyone’s life. This episode has them both.
Malcolm’s shrink’s suggestion that he focus on more normal drives doesn’t exactly go as planned. He meet-cute runs into Eve and decides to set up a date – which would be OK if he weren’t a profiler and you know…ABP: Always Be Profiling. JT does warn his wife (hey, new JT fact: he’s married!) that it’s not a parlor trick. Why doesn’t anyone ever listen when a profiler tells them “You don’t want to be profiled”? Ah well, people don’t listen and Malcolm profiles Eve which of course drives her away (not for long, sorry Edrisa shippers). Jessica learns about Malcolm’s run-in and immediately tries to force her way into helping him with his date – perhaps as a means of distracting herself from the media which is “attacking” her by covering her infamous husband and his protégé. Poor Jessica…see, dead people? Some folks have real problems!
Speaking of dead people…The other half of our Freud episode is of course death! We’ve got a murder, and a sex club, because…Freud! A man is murdered in bed, after a passionate night; naturally it’s not his place or his wife. It’s someone else’s wife, and someone else’s wife killed him. This does eventually lead to Malcolm in a compromising situation with a “player” that is appropriately played for laughs. Who killed the man? Who kidnapped the “player” Malcolm almost has sex with? Don’t worry, it doesn’t really matter, as I’ve said multiple times the murders are more of a sub-plot.
Our real focus is Malcolm’s potential to get some, which his mom is creepishly invested in. There’s another psychological term which comes to mind: enmeshed. Families that are enmeshed have unhealthily incestuous interpersonal relationships (and mind you, it’s not that kind of incest). Children of enmeshed parents are often psychologically damaged in very interesting ways – granted, for someone who finds psychology fascinating, any psychological damage is interesting. Still, Malcolm exhibits some distinct features of an enmeshed child: he lives close to home (and in this case in an apartment his mother pays for), feels a lack of identity (this one we can contribute more to Martin’s influence than Jessica’s), and a lack of control in his own life (Jessica and Martin are both not helping here). He also suffers from a lot of the consequences – and so does Ainsley.
Remember last episode when I said she was a psychopath? Well, personality disorders are among the many long-term effects of an enmeshed childhood. There’s also mental illness – Hi, Malcolm! Self-esteem, boundary issues, unstable relationships, and of course, sleep issues, just to name a few!
Enmeshed parents also have their own troubling signs which both Jessica and Martin meet. Inappropriate roles – Martin wants Malcolm to be a protégé, while Jessica thinks of him as her emotional rock and her baby boy. Favoritism – ah, poor Ainsley, she plays second fiddle to her brother with both her parents. Lack of boundaries – Jessica has broken into both of her children’s homes, Martin intrudes on his children’s careers. Overinvolvement – definitely, see Martin’s many, many calls to his son while on duty, and of course his obsessive dedication to his daughter’s news pieces, then there’s Jessica, who is always asking every inappropriate question there is about everything happening in her children’s lives, especially Malcolm’s.
Yes, the Whitly family is thoroughly fucked. So, what about Freud? I started off this review with Freud and then veered over to Salvador Minuchin. Well, the reality is that Freud will get people in the door. The Id, the Ego, and the Superego, Sex and Death, these are the tasty hors d’oeuvres of psychology. They attract people who are afraid to dig deeper, and allow them a safe and familiar ground to work with. Shows like Prodigal Son are also psychological hors d’oeuvres.
Prodigal Son presents pop-psychology, yes, but if you care to do your homework and look deeper, you’ll see some real theories peeking out. It’s one of the things I enjoy about shows like this. Sure, I can shut my mind off, watch it simply as a show – take everything at face value, but there’s always the chance that something deeper will glimmer. A little kernel of gold in this heaping pile of pyrite.
The fall finale is coming up, and I’m looking forward to mining it!
Oh, one last thing, I’m pretty sure Eve’s sister or whoever owns the other half of that heart tattoo is gonna turn out to be the girl in the box. As mentioned when she first appeared, I do not trust this lady, and it would make perfect sense if she infiltrated Martin’s family as a means of revenge. Getting to Malcolm would certainly do the trick, but she also has her eyes on Jessica, while, as always, Ainsley is completely ignored.
It’s nearly Thanksgiving and we’re doing something only a couple of websites have done: watch every episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and rank each one.
I’d love to sit here and pontificate about the show’s history and how great it was…but 1) you’ve heard it all before 2) you don’t really wanna sit here and read what I think about the show’s history when so many other people have said what’s already been said and 3) we’ve gotta get going with this thing.
The one thing I will say is that this list is long overdue from me. Allow me to recite my qualifications…
I’ve loved Mystery Science Theater 3000 from the first moment I laid eyes on it in 1991 when I saw the episode “Fugitive Alien”. Since then, I’ve been obsessed with the show. I recorded Turkey Day marathons and caught up on episodes I missed. I remember where I was during specific show events — like watching the Jays and Phillies in the World Series the night Joel left the SOL and Mike joined. Or the final episode of the Comedy Central era and how it took place the night of my high school graduation and casino night — and I was looking forward more to the FINALE than I was that evening. I didn’t see the SyFy episodes until a little later in my life — but I did have a friend, online, who sent me everything he had on VHS (with some holes in the collection) and I was overjoyed to have caught up somewhat.
As we moved into the digital age, I managed to get a hold of my best friend’s copy of “The MST3K Digital Archive Project” which housed every single episode of the show. Over time, I added to it and customized it with files I found online. I downloaded the new Turkey Day bumpers from the recent marathons on Shout TV. I found new interviews and unedited versions of episodes that didn’t air. I added the “Film Crew”, “Cinematic Titanic” and “RiffTrax” projects the various cast members went on to do after the show ended.
That archive is probably now one of my most prized possessions in my entire collection of digital shows and films.
To this day, I still watch old shows in November and I watch the marathon Shout puts up each Thanksgiving Day.
MST3K is one of the greatest television shows of all-time simply because it helped give birth to modern trolling (in a positive way), thus it fits right in with modern times.
So, this is as much personal as it is a professional assignment.
If you still insist on knowing what the hell I’m talking about, feel free to visit the following sites:
If you want to watch episodes with other MSTies, you can visit the following sites.
Club MST3K – This site compiles a full episode guide for the show along with corresponding streaming video of nearly every single episode available online. It also offers a forum to chat with fellow MSTies while you watch. 🙂 Where to See MST3K Episodes – This site does the same thing.
With all that out of the way, WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!
We start at #196…
196) 410 – Hercules Against the Moon Men
This is one of many of the “Hercules” films featured on the show (this time, with Alan Steele playing him) and it manages to toss out all the fun of the prior films in the series of Herc films and introduce pseudo-alien beings as the main perps in the film. How in the hell anyone from BBI was able to get ANYTHING out of this film is beyond me. It features a climatic sandstorm sequence that goes on for almost 20 minutes — and the riffing is awful. I know it’s PURPOSELY awful — Joel and the Bots are doing a bit where they’re desperate to make jokes where there are none — but it’s just uncomfortable to watch, even when they’re acting. Even when they try and recover and make actual jokes, they’re not funny and, sadly, that’s the story of this entire episode, the worst in MST3K’s run.
BEST RIFF:
(HERCULES sidesteps two guards who run into a giant gong.)
JOEL (as HERCULES): You’ve been GONGED! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
195) 211 – First Spaceship on Venus
A bunch of idiotic scientists investigate a signal coming from Venus and figure out that the people there were planning on attacking our planet…but it just didn’t happen. Ok, then. The movie is boring with a capital “B” with astronauts and scientists explaining how things work, ad nauseum. The riffing on this sucker is just as boring. It’s pre-Japanese Movie Monster and one would think this would be in the show’s wheelhouse but the film is so dull, it sucks the life out of everything else. The sketches are terrible, with a random gorilla calling the SOL and the Bots inventing a robot which emits foam as a sort of speech. They’re just flat this time around.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: How long can we stay here?
CROW: About…three and a half minutes ago…
194) 317 – The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (w/ short: Home Economics Story)
I swear…everything Roger Corman touches, he wrecks…which extends to anything MST3K. Watching “Viking Women” is as torturous as watching “Teenage Caveman” and the riffing on this episode makes me crazy because it’s inexplicably centered around waffles. Like, obsessively centered. Almost every other joke after the terrific short is about waffles for some reason. The ones that aren’t are just about flat. Even the sketches are about waffles. The second sketch is literally ten seconds long, features Joel eating waffles and finally saying “waffles”. Easily, one of the worst episodes of the series.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: …but for Fran Tarkington and the Vikings, there would be another day…
193) 617 – The Sword and the Dragon
Another MST3K, another Russo-Finnish production. And not the best of them. Whereas “Sinbad” and “The Day the Earth Froze” were so bright and silly and provided material for some great jokes, this one is flat and just drags all the way up to the climatic dragon battle with a beast that looks so ridiculous, it should be an easy target — and it’s just not. There’s pure silence from the guys at times, the jokes that are there (Crow’s “just a torso” riff is so-so) miss the mark. I will never see why there’s so much love for this one. Cheers, though, to the hilarious Ingmar Bergman joke sketch. It’s beautifully produced and executed.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Y’know, now I have an unhealthy hatred of Finnish people.
192) 902 – The Phantom Planet
There are episodes which hearken back to Season 1 and this is one of them. This is a murky, dirty, dark sci-fi outing about a man who lands on a meteor and then shrinks down to about the size of a human foot and meets beings who are as tall before gaining wisdom…and the whole thing is a dream, I guess. It’s crap and the riffing is just dull to boot with jokes that really only got smiles from me. The sketches aren’t really all that much better as Pearl attempts to build some sort of Doomsday Device — only to see the main component accidentally getting sent to Mike and the Bots on the SOL. This isn’t really expanded upon in any way and the climax (villagers storm Castle Forrester) is just so-so.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Wow, this is almost as good as 2001…NAILS driven into your eyes.
191) 107 – Robot Monster (w/ short: Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon, Chapters 4 & 5)
Good LORD, this movie…a family survives the end of the world and is tormented by a thing wearing an ape suit and a robot helmet. He says things like “To live like the HUE-MAN…” and waddles around like goofball. Then nothing happens and everything’s a dream at the end. I forgot to tell you: dinosaurs fight before that. I don’t know why. This movie is painful and the worst thing Joel and the Bots have consumed up to this point. The riffing is so-so. The best of it, unfortunately, comes from not one, but TWO Commando Cody sketches where they mock Cody for constantly getting his ass kicked day in and day out. The sketches are the same with the sole highlight being Ro-Tom as he plagues Joel and Crow. This episode is on YouTube.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Upon further review, the refs find that Cody is dead. The play stands…Cody is dead…
190) 103 – Mad Monster (w/ short: Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 2)
Oof. Another hard one to take, though slightly above “The Crawling Eye” in terms of execution. Massive pauses in jokes and a movie that is just terrible and makes no sense (something, something mad scientist, werewolf) and the whole thing is an exercise in patience. We have ANOTHER Commander Cody short, which is fine since the riffing is superior there. There’s a great sketch involving Tom Servo hitting on a blender — and Joel coming over and drinking from the blender pitcher, horrifying Tom completely. That’s some funny stuff, but this is still mediocre stuff.
BEST RIFF:
(The werewolf wanders underground.)
CROW: What’s the werewolf doing in the wine cellar?
JOEL: Trying to figure out which wine goes with people, I think…
189) 209 – The Hellcats
Good LORD…another biker film is shown here as MST3K tries to re-capture the magic that was “Wild Rebels”. It’s nowhere close. The film is like watching badly-edited home movie footage of someone’s drunken weekend in the woods.. There are endless scenes of idiots doing stupid things like fighting with leather and chains and stretching people between bikes. The riffing is dull and boring with almost none of the jokes landing. What’s worse: the sketches are simply flashbacks to past sketches we’ve seen because Joel and the Bots are “sick” and are writing down their thoughts. Cute idea, but we’re literally watching entire past sketches. It’s just lazy. This is easily one of the worst episodes of the series thus far.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: I bet if these guys filmed “Citizen Kane”, it would have had a 20-minute sled sequence in it.
188) 111 – Moon Zero Two
“Moon Zero Two” is like if Stanley Kubrick didn’t exist and “2001” was made by the people who produced “Laugh-In”. It’s a terrible movie…like watching a doughy, uncooked version of Space Mutiny where “Zero Gravity” means you’re just moving in slow-motion. It’s good fodder for Joel & the Bots…or, so you’d think. This is another case where it might have been funnier with a more seasoned MST3K writing crew. There are some funny lines. During the lounge scene, groovy dancing blonde ladies do ballet while people drink. “Wow! They’re so versatile…it’s like Swan Lake-a-Go-Go!” says Joel. The cheesy, jazzy swingin’ soundtrack score does the film no favors and Servo lets them have it: “Music to shoot thugs by!” The sketches are also so-so. It’s forgettable. (Free on YouTube)
BEST RIFF
CROW: In space, no one can hear you YAWN.
187) 616 – Racket Girls (w/ short: Are You Ready for Marriage?)
Imagine an entire movie built around female wrestlers. Wait, where are you going? It’s as bad as it sounds. The film features seemingly ENDLESS sequences where women wrestle in a ring. It’s not interesting. It’s not titillating. It’s just there. And it’s all unedited as Mike points out well into one of the matches. The rest of the film features a sub-plot about the mob and dirty money being funneled through this wrestling promotion. That’s also not interesting. The riffing doesn’t help things but, then, there isn’t much you can do with women locking arms for ten straight minutes. The sketches aren’t much better with Crow and Servo attempting to marry one another. something which just devolves into random chaos because the show, at this point, seemed to lose its knack for succinct sketches with decent punchlines. Luckily, the short saves the whole thing from being a total loss…but that isn’t saying much.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: This film awakened Eleanor Roosevelt’s sexuality.
186) 808 – The She-Creature
If you can get by the first ten episodes of the 8th season and continue on, unabated, bully for you. “The She-Creature” is brutal. It’s murky and dull and there’s just not a damn thing the guys can do with the material. The line below is the funniest line and it’s funny because it’s true. The film sucks the life from everything. Luckily, this episode marks the end of Observer World as Mike inadvertently destroys their planet, something which will pay off later in “Agent From H.A.R.M.”.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: They tried to light this, but the movie is like a super-absorbing black hole.
185) 101 – The Crawling Eye
The one that started it all. This was the first cable episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, airing on “The Comedy Channel” (what would later become “Comedy Central”) in November of 1989. At this point, this show was The Comedy Channel’s signature show — though, if you just watched the episode I’m talking about, it’s difficult to even fathom that. The episode is full of major pauses between riffs from Joel and the Bots and what’s there isn’t entirely laugh-out-loud (what the kids would now call “LOL”) funny like the later episodes are. The sketches aren’t well-written, falling more on the cutesy side of things and everything seems cheap and basic. But what was there was huge: a clever concept soaked in pure wit and charm courtesy of series creator Joel Hodgson. Joel’s encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture fueled everything and his ideas were undeniably clever — and when the show’s jokes landed, boy, did they land. That said, “The Crawling Eye” isn’t a great start. The riffing is slow and has some major gaps. The timing is way off, too. It does gain some speed around the halfway point but only manages to get some chuckles here and there as Joel and the Bots take on an incredibly boring creature feature about gigantic mutant eyeballs who drive people to murder. The full episode is above, courtesy of the MST3K Channel on YouTube.
BEST RIFF:
(Joel has told the Bots to stop making “eye” jokes)
JOEL: I spy with my little eye…
SERVO: You hypocrite…
184) 105 – The Corpse Vanishes (w/ short: Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 3)
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Bela Lugosi is a mad scientist. I know, unreal, right?! He basically uses weird juice from the necks of younger women to keep his wife young. I think. The 8th season’s “The Leech Woman” covered this a little better, as creepy as this was. The movie is as dull and lifeless as “Mad Monster” and “The Crawling Eye”. Luckily, the riffing makes it watchable, as anemic as it is. I’m finding that this is the case for much of the first year. It’s hard to rank the episodes because of it so everything is based on a slight gradient system. Also, there’s another Commander Cody short but the riffing wasn’t as sharp, which is a shame since the series is so silly. The sketches are getting funnier with the Bots being more humanized as they read “Tiger Bot” magazine where they fantasize about Data from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and learn his turn-ons and turn-offs. The barbershop segment also has some laughs but, overall, the episode is a bit of a dud. Once again, the episode is free on YouTube.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: Hey, Pat…you’re not gonna pass out too, are ya’?
WOMAN: No…no, I’m ok.
SERVO: It’s just the pace of this movie that’s gotten to me…
183) 411 – The Magic Sword
Bert I. Gordon strikes again with this gorgeous sword and sorcery epic shot in glorious color and starring Basil freakin’ RATHBONE. This episode holds the distinction of featuring one of the most quality films the show has seen. But, while the feature is decent and fun, the riffing just isn’t. I might be in the minority here but there’s just nothing that’s laugh-out-loud funny or even chuckle-worthy. Most of the jokes are flat and Crow’s crush on Estelle Winwood is old hat — though the sketch where he professes his love for Winwood is Emmy and Golden Globe material. In fact, it’s the sketches that carry this episode. It’s just weird.
BEST RIFF:
(During the big dragon battle at the end.)
JOEL: Lighten up! They’re just PUPPETS!
CROW: Hey!
JOEL: Sorry…
182) 102 – The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (w/ Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon: Chapter 1)
MST3K’s second episode ever is a bit easier to watch. The jokes are still a little slow but nowhere near as delayed as the first episode. They’re also a bit tighter and funnier. The goofy opening short film (a staple of MST3K) is a riot and produces some great lines (“The moon looks just like Arizona!”) and, unlike “The Crawling Eye”, the nonsensical feature film is a lot of fun to watch with some great riffs (“The table’s moving…it’s a better actor than anyone in this film”, followed by “Well, it’s made out of the same material as everyone else: wood!”). The sketches are also cute, introducing a bunch of “Demon Dogs” which invade the Satellite of Love and occasionally “disgrace themselves” all over Crow and Servo when they try to talk sense into the dogs and get them to leave. One of the main issues which persists through most of it is how hushed the jokes are. The boys don’t read anything with any emphasis and mumble things from time to time. Still, a major improvement over the first episode. The full episode is above, courtesy of the MST3K Channel on YouTube.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: This is the kinda film you WON’T put on “pause” when you leave the room.
Joel and the Bots get a true-blue black-and-white Cold War paranoia film in “Rocket Attack U.S.A.” and, boy, is it preachy and depressing. The riffs aren’t totally memorable (a lot of their jokes are at the expense of a narrator who just talks over nearly everything and the Bela Lugosi imitations during “Phantom Creeps” just aren’t working anymore) and the sketches are bland and fairly dark (Joel hosting a quiz show about Civil Defense is just morbid and unfunny). Not the worst episode of the bunch but feels mediocre. Some notes here: The Hexfield Door is all done and debuted in this episode! Servo got a “buzzcut”, a gimmick which didn’t last long, thank god. Episode “Stingers” began with this episode. A “Stinger” is the small bit of footage from the film they watched after the end credits.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: “Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!”
180) 104 – Women of the Prehistoric Planet
“Women of the Prehistoric Planet?!” Joel exclaims. “My sister watched this film and the boys all had to go to the GYM.” The first color film the cable MST3K did has some women on a planet which is dubbed “prehistoric” thanks to the fake plant life all over the place. Most of the film is dweeby white guys standing around discussing science while leaning against boulders and ferns. It’s like watching “Star Trek” if the show was cast by a half dozen 1960’s high school Biology teachers. The riffing is quick and lively here, a nice departure from the first few episodes of the series, with the birth of some trademark running riffs like “Hi-Keeba!”, “You’re lucky my chick’s here, man!” and the singing of the Gilligan’s Island theme during storm scenes. This is also the first episode where Joel reads fan letters, a tradition which never should have gone away. Listen for future host Mike Nelson as the voice of the Doomsday Satellite Joel manages to nab from outer space.
BEST RIFF:
JOEL: The sexual harassment laws are a lot more loose in the future…
179) 110 – Robot Holocaust (w/ short: Commando Cody: Radar Men From the Moon, Chapter 9)
Thank the lord, there’s no more Commando Cody after this. The film breaks a little ways into things and I’m thrilled. This leaves us with the 80’s dystopian goodness that is “Robot Holocaust”. This was the youngest film shown on the show, having been made in 1987. It’s supposed to be depicting a world post-holocaust from a “robot war of ’33″…except there’s a huge, glistening city in nearly every shot and the actors just wander the outer-boroughs like D&D roleplay geeks. The film’s opening theme sound familiar? You’ll hear it later in Season 7…Joel and the Bots go back to some sparse riffing which is hit-or-miss and that’s a shame what with the terrible costumes, the wooden acting and the random voiceovers. Most of the jokes come at the expense of Angelika Jager who plays the monotonous Valeria. Simply listening to her recite her lines makes you laugh, reminding one of Adrianna Miles from Season 9’s “Werewolf”. It’s a riot hearing them try to guess what she’s saying…but it wears thin after the first few times. The movie is SO unintentionally funny by itself and the riffing (which does pick up in the second half) could have been epic if the boys were on point. This marks the first time the boys stay and watch the credits for a little while before heading back to the main bridge. In any case, they’ve done better with the 80’s as we would see in Season 3. (The episode is available on YouTube)
BEST RIFF
SERVO: “Yeah, I GUESS it’s a wasteland if you don’t count that big CITY behind them…”
Welp, we have a Robert Lippert film starring Superman and Wanda McKay. This is after a NEW series of shorts called “Phantom Creeps” starring Bela Lugosi. That’s all the shorts we’d see for Season 2, so settle in. That was the one thing leftover from Season 1: crusty, boring shorts. The main film has not aged well. The “natives” are all of completely different races and, of course, look like White Hollywood of the 40’s thinks they should look. There’s stock footage of just about every wild animal in the bush and a character who just fires at anything that moves. The riffing is decent but nothing to write home about. While the guys have fun with many of their lines, they’re mostly minor observations and nothing more. The sketches are fair. One is a meandering infomercial involving Phantom Creeps which clean surfaces but it just goes nowhere. The second is brilliant featuring Joel demonstrating different camera POV’s…but the third just devolves into meaningless meandering when Jim Mallon and Mike Nelson show up playing the two white male leads from the film. The whole ordeal feels like a Season One episode with more output. (Free on YouTube)
BEST RIFF:
JOEL (as the snake on the tree): “Hi! I’m Satan! Enjoy the film!”
It’s an extremely low-budget version of “The Most Dangerous Game” starring Robert Reed of “The Brady Bunch” fame. “Robert Reed listed this film as ‘The Tempest’ on his resume”, says Mike, but the film isn’t that bad. It’s fairly decent and suspenseful for what it is (teens end up on an island where they’re hunted by a madman for sport), so the jokes are just so-so throughout the episode. The grimy farm short before it is pretty funny stuff so, yeah…it’s one of those episodes. The sketches are decent, but arbitrary (though we get to meet Dr. Forrester’s mom, Pearl, for the first time — and she’s closer to Frank than her own son as it turns out) — and short, which would become somewhat of a thing from here on out. From here on out, the SOL’s “bridge” had been modified. The bridge went from a beige color scheme to something more grey…or, at least that’s how it appeared. The overall lighting was lowered and ambient and the color highlights were heightened somewhat.
BEST RIFF:
(Mice crawl inside the remains of a skeleton)
MIKE: Cadavers for Algernon!
176) 818 – Devil Doll
“Devil Doll” is the equivalent of being stuck in a room with awful, sleazy people who have seen better days, while they chain smoke. The movie is just gross and creepy. And that impression doesn’t come from the “doll” featured in the film. The ventriloquist in the film is a total sex fiend who seduces not one, but two women in the film, in scenes which rival “Mitchell” in sheer vomit-inducing disgust. It’s so awful, the riffing drowns in it and that’s a shame because Mike and the Bots manage some decent one-liners throughout but nothing sticks consistently. The constant mockery of Vorelli’s abuse only has so much traction as does the mockery of his dummy’s requests for wine and various food items. The sketches are pretty good as Pitch returns (of 52’s “Santa Claus”) to sell Crow some dolls at the cost of his eternal soul. But, overall, the show bit off more than it could chew with a mean and ugly picture.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: If not for alcohol, there would be no moisture in that woman at all.
175) 615 – Kitten With a Whip
A fugitive on the run (Ann Margaret) shacks up with with a state Senator (John Forsythe) in a truly bizarre film. The issue with this film is that it’s surprisingly pleasantly off-beat and watchable and dialogue-heavy and that kills the riffing here. Sure, the guys get some good shots in but most of it is boring and it isn’t helped by fairly mediocre, arbitrary sketches (the “Kitten With a Whip” sketch with Kevin Murphy playing the “kitten” is just absolutely painful and will make you wish for the days when Joel had some say in the writer’s room) and bad pacing.
BEST RIFF:
(A stripper dances on stage.)
CROW: Wow! Amy Grant has REALLY crossed over!
174) 412 – Hercules and the Captive Women
We’re on our third Hercules flick, this one starring the third different actor to portray him in Reg Park. But that’s neither here nor there. MST3K tries something new in adding Gypsy…which lasts all of about five minutes before she bails on the guys because, simply put, the movie is “not very good”. She does get one good lick in during a scene where men on horseback move through a sudden fog bank (“Get this: they’re steam-cleaning their horses!”) and It’s a neat moment in the show — but it’s a moment with so much more potential that gets squandered. The episode has energy and life up until Gypsy leaves. After that, it’s tough sledding. The jokes aren’t great and Hercules fatigue sets in long before the episode is over. Three trips to the well in five episodes will do that.
BEST RIFFS:
(ANTINEA kisses HERCULES.)
CROW (as ANTINEA): You taste like Alan Steel!
SERVO (as HERCULES): You taste like Yvonne De Carlo!
JOEL: Wait a minute! Now you can have BOTH!
173) 605 – Colossus and the Headhunters
I don’t know what this show’s obsession was with Italian leather-and-sandals films but, I swear, they’re cursed to the point where even the riffing isn’t funny. There’s a point in “Colossus and the Headhunters” where two of the characters are talking to one another and there’s just long periods of silence between the riffing which isn’t very funny. The “Nummy Muffin CocoButter” sketches on the ship are amusing but can’t save a fairly dull Season 1-esque episode.
BEST RIFF:
(Colossus walks through a forest)
MIKE: Jeez, he’s like Art Garfunkel walking around the world…
SERVO: Yeah, except he doesn’t have an assistant to pick him up and take him to his hotel every night.
172) 1111 – Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II
(Available on Netflix)
During one of the break points, Patton Oswalt says “Just be glad ‘Wizards of the Lost Kingdom’ wasn’t a trilogy!” Indeed. Watching this movie is agonizing, as it just dumps the goofy charm of the original film and goes for an almost improvised film where things just happen. “Just shut up and act interested in things,” the elderly, overweight, wheezing wizard says to the young boy in the film. “Is he talking directly to us?” Crow quips. And that doesn’t sound like a joke. It’s genuine. The riffing doesn’t get good until about halfway into the film and then it just peters out and dies again and you’re left just smiling and chuckling at the remainder. Sketch-wise, we’re not doing well, either. This opens up the weird story arc where Kinga tries to marry Jonah for ratings. I never really get what’s going on with the modern sketches. I want them to be good but I feel like they should just stand on their own like the past bits did.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: The threat of the knife is diminished by the man purse.
171) 202 – The Sidehackers
Oy…we ask for color films and we get…this…a film about morons who “Sidehack”, which is basically a racing sport comprised of dirt bike nuts who attach makeshift rolling platforms to their bikes that can be fit another rider…who uses their weight to –you k now what? You don’t care and I don’t care. The film is like somebody’s home movies edited together to show that…along with random scenes of men fixing bikes and men abusing women. It’s an ugly, ugly film and one that is nearly un-riffable. The full, uncut version of the film exists online and shows a fairly graphic scene where a female character is raped, murdered and hung from a ceiling. Why the Brains decided to air even the edited version of the film is beyond me. The riffs are just so-so with maybe a few good lines sprinkled in. The running joke from “Patton” (“You magnificent son of a bitch!”) is funny once and then just falls apart a few times afterward. It’s sloppy for the most part, with the guys just talking over dialogue at times and there’s no timing. The sketches are also average. Nothing really stands out. There’s a cute “Sidehacker” musical number by Joel and the Bots but they’ve done better in that regard but the “Sidehack commentary” and “Rommel hats” bit are just flat, despite the cleverness of Mike making another appearance as “J.C.” from the movie. (Free on YouTube)
BEST RIFF:
JOEL: This is kinda like “Thirtysomething”…
CROW: Except for all the naked pictures in the background…
170) 1005 – Blood Waters of Dr. Z
Remember how ridiculous the fish creature from “Horror at Party Beach” looked? The fish creature in this flick is somehow worse than that. “Blood Waters of Dr. Z” is nearly unwatchable. It’s ugly, grimy, pervy and features a shrill, irritating “soundtrack” that I can say best resembles the sound of a piece of warped aluminum being struck by a dying cat. It’s awful on every level. So awful, in fact, that one becomes a victim of Godwin’s law and immediately feels compelled to call this an aquatic version of “Manos, the Hands of Fate”. It’s not out of the question. It’s easy to see why one might do such a thing. The riffing is so-so on the film (the creature attacking the swimming girl is funny, but that’s about it) and it doesn’t help that the opening sketch involves Crow spitting tobacco into soda cans — which Servo drinks by accident. It just adds to the lac of attractiveness and makes you want to throw up.
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: Ah, he’s a “Copafeelacanth”.
169) 811 – Parts: The Clonus Horror
Peter Graves returns in “Parts: The Clonus Horror”, a film famous for being ripped off by “The Island”. It’s not bad at all, really. The film is certainly more interesting than the riffing is, which is mostly quiet up until the last third of the film where Richard finds his real life counterpart, but even then, it’s hindered by that unriffable 70’s TV drama feel that plagued films like “San Francisco International” and “Stranded in Space”. The “Three’s Company” and “Bewitched” references don’t help. That, and the running storyline during the sketches takes another stupid turn with the omniscient “Star Children”, played by Mike and Bridget Nelson, and Paul Chaplin.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: And the director just points the camera at the lamp and expects the lamp to carry the scene.
168) 508 – Operation Double 007
It’s Bond. Not Bond. Neil Connery (Sean’s real-life brother) plays James Bond’s…brother, I guess? And James Bond dies at the beginning…? I think? So Neil goes on a secret mission to save the world. Like the film, the jokes are hollow and predictable, poking fun at the entire Bond franchise. The only saving grace is a sketch where Joel and the Bots compare Neil and Sean’s career trajectories which starts out a touch mean-spirited but ends with the Bots giving Neil the rub in the Kiel vein. What else can you say about an episode which has to rely on a Manos reference to wring comedy from this sucker?
BEST RIFF:
CROW: We just came to beat everybody up…we’re leaving now…thanks.
167) 305 – Stranded in Space
Film Ventures, the goofballs who bought and redistributed such fare as “Cave Dwellers” and “Pod People”, gives us a repackaged failed TV pilot for a series called “The Stranger”, about a man who ends up on a terrible, parallel universe Earth. The premise of the film and some of the events are more interesting than most of the riffing, which is sparse.with a lot of pauses and “hm’s” from the riffers. The film, itself, is boring and dull, despite the interesting plot, so it’s hard to get anything worthwhile from it. Points for the host sketch where Joel (the leader of the evil totalitarian syndicate) orders the Bots to kill various 70’s heroes who stand in his way.
BEST RIFF:
(Man walks through room with several different TV actors in it.)
SERVO: Boy…do you know how many TV series would wiped out if this room was blown up?
I know films on MST3K are supposed to be bad…but this is pushing it. “Fu Manchu” is an ugly, plodding film with long periods of people talking and talking…and talking…and even the riffing, which thankfully picks up midway through before fizzling out again, doesn’t do anything to help it. The sketches feature a running gag where Joel and the Bots keep losing their emotional shit (while Dr. Forrester and Frank revel in their pain) because the movie is just a gigantic gorilla that sits on you and refuses to move. It’s not the complete flaming wreck of an episode the fans say it is, but it’s sure close.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: This must be like a triathlon: you swim, jog, then appear in a boring movie.
JOEL: Yeah, well, I’ll have you know that Roger Ebert liked this film…
CROW: Hey, I’ll have you know that the only thing Roger Ebert “likes” is big pans of LASAGNA.
SERVO: LOTS of ’em.
165) 1114 – At the Earth’s Core
(Available on Netflix)
The last time we saw Doug McClure on MST3K, he was working with Ze Germans and ended up in a land where dinosaurs and man co-existed. In “At the Earth’s Core”, he joins forces with Peter Cushing to travel to the Earth’s core (as the title suggests) to lead an insurrection against some evil troll things whose language “sounds like an AM radio with bad reception” according to Crow. The riffing on the episode is so-so. A bit reminiscent of the early seasons on the show. The big attraction is the sketch work which is Jonah and Kinga getting married for ratings while Max attempts to stop her because he loves her so much. Growler, another new robot, is introduced here (He’s the second new robot after the introduction of M. Waverly a few eps back) and he also gets he cold shoulder from the veteran bots, only to see them apologize for their behavior…and then take it back the moment he “piano fakes Leonard Cohen”.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Jim Henson’s “Muppet Atrocity”!
164) 322 – Master Ninja I
The first of two “Master Ninja” experiments, this one is the lesser of the two and I still have no idea why. The film (which, like “Fugitive Alien”, is just TV episodes sewn together) is so charmingly silly and absurd, one would think it’s the perfect target. Instead, there are long bouts of silence and missed opportunities galore. It isn’t until the end that the jokes get good (the one where Crow asks who the “Arab woman” is, is a riot as horrible as that sounds) and, by then, the episode is already so far into mediocrity, it’s not salvagable. Points, though, to the only part of the show with any personality: the “Master Ninja Theme Song” sketch at the end.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Doesn’t anybody ever SLEEP in this movie?! It’s like ten in the morning, for cryin’ outloud!
163) 324 – Master Ninja II
Just what nobody wanted: a sequel to the original “Master Ninja”. It’s more ninja hijinx as Kung Fu star wannabe Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten traipse all over America in a van, getting into danger…so, pretty much the same thing as last time. The episode really could have used a short or funnier riffing. The film isn’t “Fu Manchu” bad but, like the first “Master Ninja”, it feels like there were a lot of misses. The sketches aren’t particularly good, either. The best of them has Joel and the Bots designing their own sweet custom vans (wooo!) but, overall, the episode is another weak Season 3 entry, which is odd because, for some reason, I remember this season as being one of their funniest.
BEST RIFFS:
MAX: She’ll talk you to death.
THE MASTER: I’ll risk it.
MAX: I’ll need a game plan…
(THE MASTER reaches out to straight Max’s bow tie.)
THE MASTER: On the tenth sentence…kiss her.
CROW: Oh, sure! Take advice from long-time bachelor, Lee Van Cleef.
162) 614 – San Francisco International
A kidnapping, political figures on a plane, and a neglected teen hijacking a prop plane. One of these things, if focused on intently, might produce decent television. Unfortunately, the producers of “San Francisco International” decided to go with all of them, so we got a messy television pilot set at the famous coastal airport, which somehow got a half dozen episode order AND Lloyd Bridges as the lead. The riffing on the episode is so-so with some decent hits near the end. The butt of the jokes come at the expense of that poor neglected teenager who takes off in a plane and has to be taught how to land it but it can’t carry the entire show. Neither do the “Urkel” sketches which are merely comprised of Mike imitating Steve Urkel from “Family Matters” until it literally isn’t funny anymore. I get the concept of the sketches (that Urkel isn’t that funny and the joke gets old quick) but it’s something that could have gone one sketch and died. Still, there are some local jokes that might resonate with Bay Area residents such as myself (Herb Caen and ABC newscaster Spencer Christian both get mentions).
BEST RIFF:
MIKE: This movie just staggers from one commercial break to another.
161) 308 – Gamera vs. Gaos
Either this episode wasn’t very good or I’m just tired of the entire Gamera series of films. Most of this film is people talking, so it doesn’t give Joel and the Bots much to work with and there’s only so much mileage you can get making fun of the requisite “monster child” and the two morons in the film who talk in weird, high-pitched voices. The main battle doesn’t even have much to offer and is riffed on like every other Japanese Monster Movie. The sketches are slightly better featuring Joel and the Bots debating on how to kill Gaos while Crow struggles to find a happy medium which will impress his colleagues.
BEST RIFF:
SERVO: Well, kids, if you enjoyed today’s movie, you’re SURE to like this shameless padding!
CROW: Yeah, it’s just like a Burt Reynolds film: these are the outtakes.
The second and last Godzilla film on the MST3K film slate, this one features Godzilla going toe to toe with a huge crustacean. This isn’t nearly as good as the last Godzilla entry nor is it even as good as any of the later Gamera entries. The entire thing just seems lost, The film was renamed, so there’s a running joke where Joel and the Bots don’t even know what the film is called. The jokes are purely observational and aren’t very funny. The sketches are far funnier than anything heard in the theater with “The Godzilla Genealogy Bop”, followed by Joel going nuts and building Earth landmarks with junk found around the SOL — and Mothra (Mike Nelson again) visits the ship to talk and joke around with the Bots. Those moments save the episode from being a complete loss but it’s still not very good.
BEST RIFF:
(Sea Monster stabs his spike into the water and lifts up, seeing that he’s stabbed two men completely.)
CROW: Ah! Kabob and…Ka-STEVE! (he laughs to himself)
159) 310 – Fugitive Alien
Another episode, another Sandy Frank mess. Fugitive Alien is a Japanese television show and this is basically a bunch of episodes strung together to make a “movie”. It’s like watching a never-ending space opera where almost everyone is named Ken except for the main characters. The riffs aren’t particularly memorable as the “Ken” thing has a window of about ten minutes before they kill it and repeat “AGAIN” after somebody says “Rocky!”, the name of one of the main ship’s crew. It IS memorable for having one of the trademark riffs of the show: “They tried to kill me with a forklift!”, sung to the tune of the movie’s musical score. But, the entire thing is dialogue-heavy and there aren’t many jokes that can be wrung from it. The sketches are pretty good, though, with Mike Nelson making his first appearance as Jack Perkins, the lovable host of A&E’s Biography. We’ll see more of “Jack” as the show goes along.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: When we save you…a little swatch of cloth got torn off your uniform…I found one exactly like it…NEXT TO THE BODY OF MY LITTLE DAUGHTER! Well! What have you got to say?!
SERVO: Um…oops…?
158) 312 – Gamera vs. Guiron
The 4th of the five “Gamera” films featured on this show and I’m worn out by all things Gamera/Sandy Frank at this point. And that’s not good because, at this point, there are at least a few more of those features ready for me to analyze. This is probably the most unintentionally funny “Gamera” flick of the set with weird alien women abducting some kids (one is Japanese, the other American) and making them watch as Gamera is tortured and made to fight a giant mutated steak knife with eyes. The riffs are all right with most of the laughs coming from the goofy, stilted dialogue (which might be the fault of the American translators) and the “Gamera Song” (“Gamera is really neat! Gamera is filled with meat!”) which shows up in the brilliant ending sketch where Mike Nelson appears, playing tacky lounge artist Michael Feinstein who delights the mads in a piano version of the song while regaling them with stories of old jazz legends. Still, it’s just another Gamera episode and this is one of those episodes where Joel and the Bots beat a dead horse with jokes that weren’t that funny to begin with (the “Cornjob” character joke is overkill).
BEST RIFF:
(Gamera is flipping around on a gymnastic bar between two pillars.)
SERVO: You know, guys…it just dawned on me how, how…WEIRD this film is, y’know?
157) 1110 – Wizards of the Lost Kingdom
(Available on Netflix)
It’s the modern MST3K’s first venture into sword-and-sorcery territory involving young wizards, rogue swordsmen, and…what the hell is that, a YETI?! And the same dude from “Deathstalker” playing almost an exact carbon copy of the villain he was in that film?! All the ingredients are there for a classic episode and it’s gonna draw comparisons to “Deathstalker”…except it isn’t that. This is like a medieval version of “Starcrash”, a film that’s already hokey on its own and that’s been one of the problems with the Netflix era: a few of these films aren’t really designed to be riffed. They’re more like Asylum (“Sharknado” and next season’s “Atlantic Rim”) before there was Asylum. Jonah and the Bots try to make Kor the next “Lovable Hero” in MST3K’s lore but it falls flat mainly because there isn’t anything memorable about the guy. I mean, yeah, it’s hilarious when they dub him “Fat Sting” but, after that, it’s an uninteresting blonde guy with a sword. Nothing more, nothing less. The riffing is boring with only a few bright spots.
BEST RIFF:
JONAH: You know, movie, I doubted you before but Kor the Conquerer vs. three wicked ass demon men? This is gonna be GREAT!
CROW: Yeah!
(The demon guys run away and the battle never happens.)
JONAH: …aaaand I’m disappoined.
Joe Don Baker returns(!) in a film about a Texas cop who thinks he’s a cowboy — and who has to go to Malta to hunt down his perp. We have fond memories of Joe Don Baker in “Mitchell”, which “Final Justice” is unavoidably going to be compared with. This is not that film. It’s not even close. The charm (what there was of it) just isn’t there. It has a harder edge and the actors involve swear and curse so much, the censored audio takes away from the flow. Furthermore, whereas Joel and the Bots hit bucket after bucket going after Baker for being an unattractive slob in “Mitchell”, he actually does fit the role he’s in here (though his catchphrase, “Go ahead on” is really awkward and not really intimidating), so the comments about his obesity seem desperate and cheap and fall flat as a result and, once you look beyond that gag, the riffing is sparse and uninteresting. The sketch work saves the episode somewhat with Crow completely trashing “men from Malta” in a bit that’s a little mean-spirited and may not fly these days. Also funny is the ending segment where the SOL’s alert systems are on and Gypsy is counting down as Mike proclaims that he gets to go back to Earth since he watched a bad Joe Don Baker movie, just like Joel (he really isn’t; he’s sitting in the boiler room of the ship instead of in an escape pod as the Bots point out, rather miffed). The plaque dedicated to the Bots showcasing “an inspirational quote from ‘Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo'” is hilarious.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: The sun is blotted out as Joe Don Baker approaches!
155) 314 – Mighty Jack
It’s a Japanese spy caper where the villains are dumb as rocks and we get to witness SEVERAL…BANK…TURNS! Training films showing how to MAKE bank turns didn’t have this many bank turns. But here they are. And, then, there’s the awkward editing and arbitrary occurrences which don’t seem to gel together. I don’t know what it is about MST3K and most of the Japanese imports that came through the show but the guys don’t have too much to add here, though some of the callbacks are funny (the “Sandy Frank” song, “You’re stuck here!” from “Fugitive Alien”) but the film is so discombobulated, it’s like sitting through a Season 1 episode and that’s not good.
BEST RIFF:
CROW: Wow! Just think about if this movie had a PLOT…it would REALLY be neat!
154) 502 – Hercules
Another season, another Hercules flick. This was the first and most famous Herc film. It’s campy and beautiful at the same time but the film is dull as hell. I don’t know what it is about the Herc films but the guys just can’t do much with them. The jokes are mostly chuckle-worthy with a few good zingers and it finally picks up at the end during the big climatic battle (Joel’s line about it being “South Central Greece” after the government troops attack is great here) but the episode falters due to the bar being set so high that this show seems like a throw-away.
BEST RIFF:
(A slew of primitive men attack Hercules and his men.)
JOEL (as Hercules): Well, they’re not Amazons but, when in Rome, fellas!
153) 401 – Space Travelers
Season 4 began with “Space Travelers” which was really “Marooned” under the Film Ventures label. The film is also the only one featured on MST3K to win an Oscar (Best Visual Effects) AND it boasts a hell of a cast in Gregory Peck, Richard Crenna, Gene Hackman, David Janssen, and James Franciscus. It’s not a bad film at all, really, and it’s one that my Mom was a huge fan of when she saw it in theaters. The problem? The riffing. Again. It gets good right in the middle with an excellent zingers during the bit where the astronaut’s wives contact the boys on the shuttle (and Crow constantly — and perfectly — imitates Gregory Peck) but, otherwise, this is a dull affair despite the high production value and actors involved and the jokes just don’t work.
BEST RIFF:
MAN: What are your numbers, Tony?
CROW (as Tony): Uh, Cleveland 8, Cincinnati 4…uh…oh…
152) 405 – Being From Another Planet
More 80’s crap…and it’s another massive strikeout for MST3K. An exhumed mummy turns out to be an alien in “Being From Another Planet”. I think this might have worked in the later seasons but not this one. The entire episode barely induces a chuckle to the point where I struggled to even find a “Best Riff”. There’s a running joke involving the mummy/alien’s POV (shot in a green camera filter) and the Bots flip out and act like they’re afraid. The sketches are as dull as the jokes are. Thankfully, the riffing DOES pick up in the second half but it still adds up to an experience that’s nowhere near as good as it should be. I will never understand missed opportunities like this because the film is just cruisin’ for an MST3K bruisin’.
BEST RIFF:
(A young girl finishes making out with her boyfriend and walks down the hall to tend to a crying baby.)
SERVO: Don’t tell Mom the babysitter’s HOT!
151) 106 – The Crawling Hand
An astronaut’s severed hand comes to life, chokes some guy out, and then causes him to re-animate and go nuts and murder people. It’s hilarious. Spot-on riffing here. The long delays between riffs are mostly gone and the timing is better. The entire kitchen sequence with the hand’s first victim is a scream as is Joel playing the phone operator after the murder. The sketch where Joel and the Bots “Shatner” while severed hands choke them is great stuff but, beyond that, the sketches are a bit weak. Alan Hale, Jr. is in this film. We’ll see him again later. Despite all that, this might be the first season’s first good episode. The entire episode is currently online at YouTube.
BEST RIFF:
JOEL: “The Crawling Hand”…you will believe a hand can crawl…
CROW: You will believe Alan Hale can act…
SERVO: No.
—
That’s it for the first 50…we will be back tomorrow to give you the next 50 episodes as we count down to #1 on Turkey Day!
Tonight’s episode keeps the blasts from the past coming as our favorite deaf hunter makes a very special return.
Eileen Leahy (Shoshannah Stern) comes to us by way of Seasons 11 and 12, she was a legacy member of the Men of Letters and hunted Banshees as revenge for the loss of her hearing and parents. She looks terrible in this episode, mostly because she’s an escaped soul from Hell (she was killed by Hellhounds). She is the first major player in our two-plot adventure, Castiel, is the other. While Eileen’s storyline serves as a potential solution to the problem of souls that were wrongfully consigned to Hell, Castiel’s concerns a little bit of social justice hiding as a monster-of-the-week.
Eileen appears early, haunting the bunker of the Men of Letters (umm…isn’t that place supposed to be heavily warded against pretty much all supernatural beings? Or…maybe I missed whatever undid that – it has been 15 years!) doing her best to get Sam and Dean to see her. She finally succeeds, informing the boys she escaped from Hell when Chuck threw the doors open and got as far away as fast as she could – hence why she wasn’t sucked up by Rowena. She is looking for them to put a good word in for her with the man upstairs so she can go to Heaven but we hear that new rule: Souls from Hell can’t go to Heaven. Dean essentially washes his hands of the situation, but Sam is willing to meet her halfway. They decide, since souls stuck on Earth inevitably go batshit, to trap her in one of Rowena’s crystals.
Along the way we discover a better option: Rowena was working on a way to turn a spirit corporeal thus defeating the necessity for a body to house a returned soul. But, Sam and Eileen aren’t the only ones after Rowena’s secrets: There’s a trio of witches who have been working hard to find them only to lose one of their own to the cause. Sam and Eileen’s appearance works out nicely since it gives them access to the hidden spell cache and a way to bring back their fallen sister. Naturally, things go awry, the boys kick some ass, there’s some cool ghost-on-ghost fighting (did you know it was possible for one ghost to choke out another? I do now!), and the happy ending for Eileen is that Sam does the spell and she lives.
Castiel meanwhile, is in Idaho, investigating a series of deaths around a lake. His story is largely ignorable if only for the boring basis (again – monster of the week) but deserves attention at least twice. Once is when his fake credentials are questioned, and he winds up having the sheriff call Dean to play his director. It gives the angel and the lost boy a moment to chat though the conversation is somewhat odd. See, Dean doesn’t understand why Castiel didn’t return Sam’s calls…really? Is it because Sam called and not Dean? Would Dean have understood if he was the one with unreturned calls??? Dude, you super kicked Castiel out of Team Free Will, again! How the fuck are you surprised the angel didn’t call you guys back!? Ug…I have to say I hate the way Castiel is disrespected in this series. He’s a fucking angel that befriended two humans at the cost of his own place in Heaven, yet, whenever Dean feels like it he just tosses Cass aside and then expects his pet angel to come whenever he calls! I get that Dean was frustrated, but he doesn’t even apologize! Ok…rant over.
The other time is when Castiel is killing the Djinn. Just before this he’s having a conversation with the mother of a missing boy, telling her how his agency kicked him out for disagreements over management. As he stabs the Djinn with his angel blade (which I guess is a kill-all type weapon since previous genies were only vanquished using a silver blade dipped in lamb’s blood) he rants about how the sheriff is just another man who thinks he can just take, and take, and take. It’s an interesting speech given we know he’s really just pissed at God and how petty he’s turned out to be, but it could also be seen as a larger comment on the traditional sins of the straight white male – see the “me too” movement, the patriarchy, Trump, the wealth gap, systemic racism, etc. Granted, this is a straight (arguably, we’ve never actually seen Cass have relations with a man), white male attacking one of his own kind in frustration, but change has to come from within, right?
Besides that, potential stretch of an interpretation, we also learn Cass is not doing well, and although he mentioned this to Dean when he was leaving, we get to see it now. My question is Why? Why is Cass always losing his powers? I thought he got his stolen grace back a while ago? Le sigh.
It’s nice to see the boys get a win, even if Dean is extremely nonplus about it. Also, no mention of Kevin! Dean laments not knowing about this spell so they could have gotten their mom back, but nothing about Kevin!? Geeze…also, also, just cause a witch (hi character actor Keegan Connor Tracy! This is her third character on this series!) said the spell could only be cast once doesn’t mean you believe her. Fuck, it’s worth a try isn’t it?
One last thing before concluding this review: I do not get the title. It’s “Golden Time” and near as I know there is no reference made to it throughout the episode. If someone understands the naming…I’m all ears.
Anyhow, I’m wondering if a little bit of the end game is showing. This episode keeps reminding us that a soul from Hell can’t go to Heaven – and in case anyone has forgotten both Winchesters have been to Hell. Does this mean, if they die, the boys won’t be able to go to Heaven? Or, will killing God negate this rule? Curiouser and curiouser…
Tonight’s Supernatural finally gives us the main plot for their last season: God vs. The Winchesters – Part deux! Alright, to be fair…the first round was Sam and Dean and Castiel and God vs. The Darkness, but this is more or less the same thing. Only differences are the lack of Castiel (for now, we all know our favorite angel isn’t staying gone long), and God is at much less power than The Darkness was.
I am in no way surprised, given that that was basically the inevitable conclusion set up from the Season 14 finale, the show just took it’s time getting there (but not too much time since this season is only 20 episodes). I do find it kind of weirdly interesting that the layout of these first five episodes feels extremely well planned.
What do I mean? Consider the first five seasons of the show.
Seasons 1-3 do a good job of setting up the basic premise, introducing some mythology, and end on an interesting cliffhanger – Dean going to Hell.
Seasons 4 and 5 are the core of the series, they solidify the main mythology, introduce characters which will be around for a long time, and also end on a hell of a cliffhanger – Sam going to Hell (via the cage).
Now, take the first 3 episodes of this season: They were, mostly, pointless. They are designed to deal with the cliffhanger left by the Season 14 finale – Sam, Dean, and Castiel under attack after God opens the gates of Hell. This storyline is dealt with by the end of these first three episodes, with a few significant deaths and a little tease of significant info.
Episodes 4 and 5, however, are extremely important. Despite their largely rote monster subplots, their actual subplots are vital in setting up the final season. Episode 4 gives us the revitalization of Chuck – his ultimate return and the reveal that he is ready to END his story (er…well, Sam and Dean’s anyhow). Episode 5 then ups the ante by making this information known to the boys. Sam and Dean’s mission is finally clear: kill God.
My curiosity then is if the execution of the rest of this Season (a conveniently numbered 15 episodes) will be as exquisitely divine (pun of course!). I certainly hope so.
Anyway, postulating aside, let’s dig into this delicious meal that is “Proverbs 17:3”. Quick recap: Sam and Dean learn about a series of “animal” attack the body-count having risen to 5 now (hmm…5 victims, episode 5…), and naturally head out to investigate. Sam is still having disturbing dreams about killing Dean – this time he’s most definitely Lucifer possessed Sam, but we’ll get back to that. Things play out boring at first, the culprits are two werewolf brothers who inevitably wind up as a murder-suicide. Ah, a very unsubtle nod to the supposed fate of the Winchesters.
But, this episode really gets going when the victim turns out to be none other than Lilith (this time played by Anna Grace Barlow)! Gotta say, I didn’t see the twist coming but it was sooooo satisfying, especially since Lilith kicked ass! Like, MAJOR ass-kickage. Like, no joke, bitch did not pull her punches this time. And that was indescribably gratifying – sure, Sam had the demon blood going for him, but she was the FIRST DEMON EVER, was she really beaten by someone like Sam??? Nope! She let him kill her. It was a necessary sacrifice to release Lucifer. But, not this time! So, how exactly is she back?
Ah, that’s the other great twist in this episode – though for anyone who watched the last one, it’s not much of a surprise – Chuck is writing again. He resurrected Lilith in order to get the Equalizer (my guess would be so the boys can’t kill him?) knowing she wouldn’t have any trouble handling Sam and Dean. Our girl does her job, destroying the gun in the process, and then disappears. Which leaves us with a shaken pair of brothers who finally realize their freedom doesn’t actually exist. This also provides us with the last piece of the puzzle – the answer to Sam’s visions/dreams.
Fans have no doubt been going nuts trying to figure out the meaning of Sam’s subconscious scenes, well, think no more loyal viewers: Sam’s “bullet” wound and God’s “bullet” wound are joined by the powers vested in tropes by the need of storytelling in a way that allows Sam to “see” Chuck’s many potential endings. This could be the Deus Ex Machina that allows the boys to kill God. I’m personally hoping not, but we’ll see.
I would find it a much more intriguing road if the boys came to the conclusion that ignoring God is really the key to defeating him. After all, we know for a fact that deities get most of their power from their believers (see: “Hammer of the Gods”). Without followers, deities become killable – hell, even with powers the deities in Supernatural are not invulnerable, but it’s easier to kill a god with less juice.
Sure, it’s fun to have guns and divine weapons, demons and angels, but if this series decided to step up and take a risk for the final outing, I’d be damned impressed. Introducing philosophical ideas would be totally new territory, especially since in the past they’ve been largely blown off (take Donatello, the atheist cum prophet, who’s disproven life belief is handled in a joke then never spoken of again). But, the way that God gains power in this series has been hinted at as being paid attention to. Remember that when he turns his back on the Winchesters, it hurts him. To hurt his believers hurts him. When Amara leaves him, he’s weakened and lonely, which leads to him seeking out the only other person who might restore a bit of his power: Becky. One of his most devoted and loyal followers. And lo and behold…she does!
What will Chuck’s final ending be for the boys? It seemed as if Becky got to read it in “Atomic Monsters” but maybe not? Maybe Chuck can’t help himself, he’s always tweaking things. Or maybe…and this would be a phenomenal twist: It’s not Chuck at all!
Fan wikis will remind us that according to the primordial being that rules The Empty – God has no power in that realm. If that’s so…then Lilith’s being back is one of two things: 1. It’s not the original Lilith (is it so hard to believe God couldn’t just create a brand-new Lilith). Or, 2. It’s all part of Death Billie’s plan to resurrect Jack. Or who knows, maybe the Shadow of the Empty is fucking with the boys for sticking it with another being that didn’t stay asleep (you may recall it was none too happy about Castiel waking up).
Jojo Rabbit is the journey of a young boy’s fascination, and eventual fallout, with Fascism. Learning sympathy and even love along the way
Finally making its wide release at the beginning of this month, ‘Jojo Rabbit’ is an enjoyable film that blends comedy and tragedy quite well, though is shy of a Taika Waititi masterpiece. As the director of comedic hits such as ‘Thor: Ragnarok’ and ‘What we do in the Shadows’ takes on yet another challenging directorial project: making a children’s comedy set in Nazi Germany.
What’s unique about this movie is how lighthearted it establishes its serious backstory. Immediately drawing the audience into the world of Nazi fanaticism through the lens of an oblivious and overly excited child. As Jojo, played by Roman Griffin Davis, excitedly prepares for his first day at Nazi camp with his best friend: an imaginary Adolph Hitler, skillfully played by Taika Waititi himself who is a native New Zealander but also, Jewish himself.
The opening scroll through town then occurs, all to the tunes of a German rendition of “I want to hold your hand,” by The Beatles.
Soon after, we meet his adorably chubby best friend, Yorki, and then meet the supporting Nazi characters: A multiple-times pregnant Fraulein Rahm, played by Rebel Wilson , the incompetent and half-blind Captain Klenzendorf, played by Sam Rockwell, and his potentially gay love partner, Finkel, played by Alfie Allen. Everyone here absolutely loves Nazi Germany. Though as to why no one really knows, they kind of just go along with the hype like the rest of the country.
But after a tragic grenade tossing accident (spoilers: it’s more comedic backfiring than tragic), Jojo accidentally cripples himself and soon after, returns home with a bum leg and a slightly messed up face. Thankfully, his mother is Scarlett Johanson, and she’s not only beautifully on point in this movie, but she’s also a lot more sensible than the extremist Jojo.
The boy, now rejected by the Nazis for being a failure and a cripple, finds sympathy while living at home. Spending time with his mother, but also, discovering a new friend: Elsa, played by Thomasin McKenzie. Elsa is the secret Jewish girl living in Jojo’s walls that his mother is hiding. At first, Jojo, along with imaginary Hitler, detest Elsa. Though over time he attempts to study, gets to know of, and even, grows fond of Elsa as the two spend a lot of time together over a six month period…
Of course, all of this takes place towards the end of the war, while Germany is in great decline and Nazism, despite its fanaticism, is seeing the end of its days. Which all serves for great creative tension as we immediately know where this story will be going. It also serves a great switch, as the movie shifts in tone from its comedic origins into more surreal and dramatic beats towards its racing finish.
With Jojo having to make a big choice about what to do with Elsa.
And more importantly, decide how he wants to deal with Adolph Hitler.
Final Take
A really entertaining and funny movie with a surprisingly heartfelt message.
Our little show is growing into something new. We’ve abandoned the shallow premise of a profiler consulting his serial killer father in order to catch other serial killers – which, let’s be honest was never what the show was about. So…what is this show about? Episode 8 certainly opens the peephole a little wider into its heart.
It seems since we’ve dropped Martin, we’ve also dropped the “killer of the week” format. Instead, tonight’s episode is focused on following up with the previous one’s bombshell: there’s another serial killer out there. And let’s take a moment to be clear, most of the murderers up until now haven’t exactly fit the definition of a serial killer as the mass media sees it.
Ah yes, the brilliant, devious, and oft times attractive devils who kill with perfectly presented purpose and only get caught by equally devoted detectives (you know the kind, put their bodies and personal lives on the line, and will say at least once “to catch a killer I must become the killer” or some version of that). Criminal Minds is ending, which is good because it’s well past its prime, but one of the things I’ll miss about it was how it portrayed the unsubs (unidentified suspects) as generally human. People who make mistakes, have flaws, and whose motives are not always so clear cut (though this last part didn’t always happen): these are real killers.
Prodigal Son has been pretty clear that it doesn’t live in reality. From the cuckoo-bananas moments in most episodes, to the legendary status of “The Surgeon”, to the washed-out bleak presentation via cinematography. We’re watching a movie on TV. This means that our current serial killer must be just as brilliant as our previous one was, after all, we already have our overly devoted detective (and yeah, you can swap out profiler for detective and nothing changes). Say hello to the Junkyard killer Martin Whitly’s mentee, he’s a mission-oriented killer, extremely organized, and he knows Malcolm. This gives Malcolm a fun little conflict, especially since Paul expresses knowledge about the girl in the box (you didn’t really think we were done with her, did you?). Can Malcolm prioritize his job as a consultant to law enforcement over his obsessive need for answers about the girl??? Yes, yes he can.
I’ll be honest, my focus on this episode wasn’t necessarily where I think the writers wanted it to be. Malcolm has been overly emphasized as the self-destructively devoted professional, while Martin, and now Paul, has been presented as the wickedly ingenious murderer. I get it. I’m over it. You know who I am interested in??? Ainsley! Yes, our intrepid reporter whose boyfriend took one for the team in the last episode is proving to be way more intriguing than her brother, father, or his mentee. What’s so cool about Ainsley? Ah, well…I do believe Martin’s daughter is going to be his true successor.
Ainsley is a psychopath. At first, she’s completely ignored by the show, then, when she does get mentioned or have screen time, it’s only to further someone else’s storyline (hi, Malcolm and Jessica!), but maybe it wasn’t the show being a dick to her…maybe it was the show not wanting to tip its hand too soon. We find Ainsley in the hospital, but is she staring at her recovering lover in hopes he wakes up? Nope. She’s busy editing the footage that nearly took his life in order to get her piece ready for air. It’s morbidly amusing that when Jin wakes up, he has to get Ainsley’s attention at all. Normally, we expect the loved one (especially a female loved one) to be waiting with bated breath for the patient’s awakening. Not Ainsley. Girl’s got a career to worry about. Jin’s not dead, so what’s the big deal?
That’s a red flag to me. A HUGE one, and it makes you go back and look at how Ainsley has been in the episodes where she’s actually featured. Much in the way Jessica is all about Malcolm, and Malcolm is all about Martin, Ainsley is all about Ainsley. Notice that in every interaction she has with her family she rarely asks about them, or turns the conversation towards them, rather she likes to talk about her. She gets mad at Malcolm for stealing the show at her interview. Now, maybe this is because the rest of the family has kept her at arm’s length. As far as we can see, Malcolm and his mother are very close, but Malcolm and his sister? Well, they talk, but she isn’t bursting into his life with concern nor is he into hers. Jessica clearly loves both her children, but there’s no question who she directs her attention onto the most: Malcolm. And Martin…Martin probably suffers the same bias all men are shown to have – I want my son to carry on my legacy. But, I think Martin might have seen what I saw in the last episode. Ainsley is a psychopath.
Now, a counter argument could be made that my labeling of this devoted career woman is unfair. Is Malcolm a psychopath (I certainly suggested as much in my review of the pilot)? Is Gil? Why is a man allowed to be passionate about their work without being labeled crazy, but not a woman? Is that the lesson this show is trying to teach us? Hey, audience! Ainsley isn’t a psychopath! She’s just a driven career woman who knows she must be ruthless to get anywhere in a man’s world! How dare you! But, here’s the kicker: Psychopaths tend to be fantastic at whatever career they go for specifically because they do not care who they sacrifice to get there. They are ruthless in their pursuit. Isn’t that Ainsley? To be fair, it’s also stupid of me to assume Ainsley has deep feelings for Jin. We don’t know how long the two of them have been an item, maybe she’s not that attached to him. Though, boyfriend or booty call aside, using him both during and after the interview with her father was straight cold-blooded. I think Jin just saved himself a lot of pain.
Other things of note:
Eve Blanchard is back, and while her and Malcolm don’t share much screen-time together the preview for the next episode hints heavily at their finally getting together. I gotta say, I’m still not a fan. Yes, the chemistry is there, and it’s good, but I do not trust her.
A priest getting his hand cut-off is the ultimate portrayal of a good deed being punished, don’t you think? Poor Father Leo (Matt Servitto).
Sarah Chalke, Spencer Grammer, Chris Parnell, and Justin Roiland in Rick and Morty
In last night’s season premiere, ‘Rick and Morty’ parody the Edge of Tomorrow movie as Morty goes crazy about building a future with Jessica
Fair warning, this Rick and Morty Season 4 Premiere review will be full of spoilers. Though nothing too heavy, as it was more of a fun episode with little at stake. To give you a perfect example, here’s the show’s logline for this episode, aptly titled: ‘Rick and Morty Edge of Tomorty’:
Morty goes nuts; Rick does stuff.
In this episode of TV Talk, we talk the season 4 premiere, the show’s ‘Death Stranding’ parody and how ‘Outerworlds’ is really all about Rick Sanchez. Available here, iTunes, Google play, and Spotify.
‘Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat’ Review
After two years and a 70 episode renewal (This series is the flagship for Adult Swim, Don’t expect a cancellation anytime soon) Rick and Morty are back and more bizarre and nihilistic than ever!
The season premiere opens on familiar grounds. With a classic opening at the breakfast table leading to yet another Rick and Morty adventure, plus a bit of foreshadowing on the new family structure. With Jerry back in with the family and Rick, less the alpha than last season, reluctantly agreeing to ask Morty’s permission to go on adventures to appease his daughter.
Soon after this, we see Rick chase after yet another science fiction object: death crystals. Objects that grant precognition and actually show how the wielder will die, with an emphasis on each possibility and a lot of micro animations detailing each gory death scene in solid detail. This episode showcasing the upwards quality in animation this season.
This leads to yet another hilarious plot, where Morty does everything he can to stick to the death crystal timeline that leads him to grow old with Jessica (or so he thinks). And Rick, killed in a car accident, trying many zany antics to return into his body yet again, including staving off Nazi versions of himself and getting to meet a wasp version of his family. And no, not the political kind, the devouring Mr. Goldenfold as a caterpillar kind.
There’s a lot of callbacks in this episode such as Gearhead and the Meeseeks boxes. Each used to silly effect more as callbacks that real plot devices. Thematically, it’s also reminiscent of Pickle Rick in that Rick’s trying to return to a body, just as Morty, yet again, is sacrificing everything in his life chasing after Jessica. Or in this case, a future with her.
Likewise, there are quite a few anime references in this one, particularly Akira as Morty turns into a giant blob embodying his own selfish desires. This episode very much embarrassing the over-the-top quality silliness that Rick and Morty embodies. It’s surprising where it goes though, by the episode’s end, we get the typical rants of a season premiere. With a dash of Summer wanting to fit into the hijinks too.
As a final treat, check out the show’s epic new opening credits.
You can watch ‘Rick and Morty’ Sundays at 11:30 on Adult Swim
Jensen Ackles has dressed up as both Batman and Robin (Red Hood respectively), and since he’s directing this episode, he’s decided to play John Wick via Dean Winchester. He also did the fans a solid by giving us two of the loose ends we’ve been chomping at the bit for. One is Sam’s demon blood – which was hinted at in the premiere and was falsely (my bad) guessed to be Lucifer possessed Sam. The other is more of a nod – Benny! Yes, Ty Olsson flew in special just to make an appearance. Both tidbits are care of a dream (or vision?) Sam Winchester has that opens this episode.
Besides this ominous portent, there’s one other piece of information worth noting in this episode (which otherwise largely follows the standard “monster-of-the-week” format), Becky is back! Well, kind of. If we’re going for a more biblical tone this season the appearance of Becky is very curious.
Becky was the fangirl of all fangirls (she still seems to retain a degree of this) even going so far as to use black magic to enchant Sam into loving her. Becky would be, in my opinion, the closest thing we have to Jesus on this show. Wait, stay with me here. No, not the literal interpretation of Jesus, that has weirdly enough never been depicted on the show (mentioned at most, but never seen). Instead, Becky is Jesus in a kind of spiritual successor way. How you ask?
See, God i.e. Check – creates the world (in this case the actual world but more specifically: Supernatural). In creating this world he gives birth to hundreds of thousands of fanboys and girls. Becky would be Jesus in the sense that, she’s the version of God that’s on the ground, among the people. She loves what he loves – in this case Supernatural and Sam and Dean, but she’s not above them. She’s human (and yeah, I know, there’s a disagreement between whether Jesus is God, or is just a man but for the sake of this metaphor Becky will be more of the Jewish version of Jesus), but she organizes his followers, even orchestrates the first Supernatural Convention. Later, when they break up (again, noted: them dating would of course be a dent in the Becky = Jesus literally angle), Becky still spreads the good word. The biggest give away for me is the idea that Becky exists among the people, she’s the one who, once the books stop, begins to write fanfiction that is much closer to what fans actually want from the series (sure, monsters are great, but wouldn’t you rather have the boys sit around and talk while doing mundane things???), and she creates maquettes. What’s more religious than miniature recreations of meaningful scenes!? Yes, I think Becky is the closest thing we’ll get to Jesus on this show (and yes, I know, Jack is more likely the “Jesus” of Supernatural), but in case that’s not enough for you, she has a much more important role for this particular episode.
Becky is the one who gets Chuck out of his funk and reconnects him to the thing he loves: writing. She reads his first draft and, after being too forgiving, provides some real constructive criticism which pushes Chuck to write a much darker ending. He also proves he’s still a grade A asshole by Thanosing Becky and her family once she’s done being useful to him, but I’m burying the lead here: Chuck is writing the end of the show…on the final season of Supernatural.
I’ve given this show a lot of shit for having gone on for fifteen seasons because it’s a lot. Way too much. But, the things it’s always done really well are humor, tone, and fanservice. This show knows what it is, it’s a show that’s ending and is having its fictional creator end the show! I can’t help but really give it up to the writers for this one. Yes, it’s a fairly obvious move to make, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good one. Ever since Season 6’s “The French Mistake” Supernatural has shown a great ability to read the room and make intelligent jokes at its own expense (yes, “The Monster at the End of This Book” started it, but French Mistake takes it to the Nth degree). This might be the reverse of that course. Instead of having fun at its expense, it’s going to mine the 4th wall for dramatic gold. I am in, 100%.
Additional thoughts regarding this episode:
I was a little confused if the cheerleader/high school angle was making fun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Riverdale. Or maybe just high school media representations in general.
The sad ending of the vampire volunteering himself to be killed in order to save his friends and loved ones is nice, and it allows Sam and Dean to have an important conversation. Sam is still holding onto a lot of pain, while Dean believes channeling his pain into their work gives it meaning. It’s the reason he forces Sam to go on this hunt, but unfortunately after everything, he doesn’t sound very convinced their mission still matters – that the little wins still make up for the big losses. Nice to hear Jessica’s name mentioned again too, though when a show ends there’s a tendency to reference the past (and with a show as long in the tooth as Supernatural it’s even more expected).
Finally: still no word on Jack – who was last scene being confronted by Death Billie in the Empty, or Castiel, though he did just leave the boys in the previous episode so maybe the next one will touch on him.
Ewan McGregor plays an adult Danny, struggling with his gifts and the events of 'The Shining'. PC: Warner Brothers
‘Doctor Sleep’ is Ewan McGregor playing Obi-Wan Kenobi, as he mentors a uniquely gifted child while trying not to repeat his own father/mentor’s mistakes…
You need to watch ‘Doctor Sleep’. If not for the sake that it’s a ‘Shining’ sequel, arguably the greatest horror movie ever created, then how about because Stephen King wrote it?
Still not sold? What, was ‘The Shining’ too scary?
What if I told you (minor spoilers ahead) that this movie is less horror and more superheroes with psychic abilities. That it’s more about terrifying psychic battles. Less ‘The Shining’ and more ‘The X-Men’ as gifted yet troubled individuals who ‘shine’ start to reach out to one another and Dany (Ewan McGregor) plays mentor to a psychically gifted girl named Abra (Kyliegh Curran), the most powerful ‘Shine’ ever sensed in the known world.
I’m going to pause here and call B.S. The studio definitedly banked on Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan Kenobi connection. He’s mentoring the most gifted psychic yet again (thanks, Anakin), but most importantly, the Obi-Wan hype is building due to the Disney+ series that’s coming out.
Anyway, Dany and Abra’s connection draws attention to some bad people. This turns into a hunt, as a hungry and almost vampiric cult of ‘shiners’, led by an ancient lady, Rose The Hat (Rebecca Ferguson), seek out ‘psychic food’ to prey on and keep immortal. All the while, Danny, still haunted by the Overlook hotel’s ghosts, tries not to repeat the sins of his father. As he locks away (quite literally mind you) the ghosts of his past and tries to overcome his own alcohol addiction, a trait inherited by his father.
If that’s not enough, the movie has some great aesthetics that pay tribute to the original shining (including some of your favorite hotel guests in cameos). It’s scary enough, though also independent enough, where it merits a fresh watch regardless of how you felt like the original shining.
My only qualm with the movie is that the final fifth of the film was fan service. It’s not like the books from what I understand. As the series ties it all back to the overlook hotel and first movie. All in a nostalgic callback that again, felt reminiscent of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, in its heavy use of familiarity.
I’ll be honest, I found the final portion is by far the weakest point of the movie.
The Ghosts of the past haunt Dany. Credit: Warner Brothers
Final Take
Watch it if you liked the original and want to see Obi-Wan battle ghosts and psychic vampires with Abra.
Final Score
8.4/10
You can watch ‘Doctor Sleep’ in theatres right now
This Season is all about Alyssa (Jessica Barden) and how she deals with her Trauma from Season One. PC: Netflix
The End of the F***ing World continues the awkwardly funny, yet traumatic driven angst, by having each character own up to their past.
Look, dealing with your personal demons isn’t easy. Whether it be the death of a loved one, former history with sexual abuse, or even just feeling lonely in an isolated world. Life can be hard without a human connection. Growing up without love, even harder. Especially when you have the burden of carrying your past and messed up shit with you.
Which is exactly what TEOTFW is all about in its second season.
In this week’s TV Talk, we talk and recap End of The F***ing World Season 2. Available here, iTunes, GooglePlay, and Spotify
Adapted from the comic by Charles Forsman, The End of the F***ing World Season One was the story about Alyssa and James, two kids with mundane lives, with borderline and near psychopathic teenage personalities, and their Bonnie and Clyde type adventure where they go out and find themselves.
I went over TEOTFW Season One in detail when it first came out but you can also recap with some of the best of moments of Season One below. For the sake of this review, I’ll go into detail about why you should check out the show, as its one of my favorites of all-time, but also will touch on what the series expanded upon from Season One.
A short recap and best of moments in Season One
TEOTFW Season 2 Review Spoiler-Free
“People do all kinds of shit when they fell bad about themselves,” Alyssa in Season Two.
So, minus the spoilers, this season of ‘The End of ‘The F***ing World’ is a lot of the same about what made Season one great: killer soundtrack akin to a Wes Anderson or Quentin Tarantino movie. Lots of teenage angst and apathy. Hard-hitting issues such as Murder and Trauma and Sexual Abuse. Some lowkey town and country scenes with the occasional explosive moments. And yet again, another murder. Also, a murderer.
All of which, was technically featured in Season One too. Comment below and I’ll give examples for scene proofs.
Where the season expands is that Alyssa deals with the trauma of what happened to her and sort of pushes the reset button on her life. A lot of changes happened in the two-year time gap, but you can also see, where certain characters are emotionally stunted and albeit stuck. A lot of which has to do with the crazy messed up things about season one, and the need to get over the trauma.
New elements are also added, including a new character which provides more depth into a bit of Season One and its backstory. We also talk about our problems. Sort of. As secrets and lies get revealed.
TEOTFW Season 2 Breakdown
Season two begins with Bonnie. A new character and ex-con who was in love with Clive, the serial rapist/murderer/professor James murdered to protect Alyssa. We quickly learn about her history: how she was a victim manipulated into thinking everything that happened between her and clive was okay, how she was in denial or ignorant of Clive’s atrocities, and why she actively pursued the role of the jealous and murderous girlfriend (because no one else loved her so she did anything for the one person who ‘did’).
She’s decided to get revenge on those she believes brutally and maliciously murdered Clive.
We then get into the pretty spoiler-heavy territory so fair warning.
“She wasn’t having sex with him she was killing him. Maybe both,” Alyssa in Season Two.
We immediately see a lot of the familiar beats from season one in Episode 2. The soundtrack’s killer and the characters are awkward and true to form.
Alyssa is still a bit spontaneous, though is also pretty hurt and traumatized by season one’s finale. A plot we thoroughly delve into deeper by midseason. She’s relocated her entire life after what happened and eventually gets a job as a waitress, boyfriend, and even gets engaged… because why not? Again this is a girl feeling more and more distant from the world who’s trying to do things just to feel something. Anything, besides the pain of what happened as it still haunts her.
Even bigger spoilers: James is alive. He eventually was found innocent thanks to the tape evidence, though he became paralyzed for a long while. His father helped him during his recovery and the two bonded, but he died of a heart attack shortly after. James is having a hard time letting go of his dad (quite literally carrying his ashes in a jar everywhere) and is trying to reconnect with the one person who also loved him: Alyssa. Definitely not a psychopath, we still see signs he’s still very awkward.
What’s special about this season, is that we see the characters with their roles reversed. As they deal with issues of attachment and loss of identity/loss of humanity, after the craziness of Season One.
Whereas many see this as an unnecessary rehash of a perfect series, I disagree in that I think it’s important that both characters address their issues. Because getting almost raped, almost dying, and watching your father die… that’s a lot of trauma to unpack. I enjoyed sitting in the dirt and emotionally dealing with these actions. I think it is a realistic portrayal of traumatized teenagers and I don’t think enough TV does this today (because it is all about sensationalism and not getting bored).
This season makes you deal with trauma. And it’s fantastic. It lets you see broken people making mistakes without excusing them for entertainment’s sake. Actions have consequences. Life is hard.
A lot of people complained that the series should have ended on Season One, but to me, that’s the easy way out. What’s harder, and what I think is the more difficult discourse, is owning up to your messed up shit and having to deal with it because that’s life. It doesn’t conveniently wrap up the way we’d like it too.
Alyssa, now working as a waitress in EOTFW Season 2. PC: Netflix
The Final Take of The End of the F***ing World Season 2
Excellent all-around I give it 9s in every feasible category.
Some of the final lines in the series are poetic and I really hope people watch the finale. I don’t think the series can continue with season 3, but this season was is a nice epilogue and sendoff in my opinion and I’ll leave it at that and some quotes taken in the final minutes of Season 2. But I’ll let you choose whether or not to watch it.
“I’m sorry. For trying to make you the answer. It’s not fair.”
“I love you, too.”
“Yeah, don’t go on about it.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XvFO83LXBE
You can watch ‘The End of The F***ing World’ Season Two on Netflix Right Now
Tonight’s Prodigal Son explores father-son and father-daughter relationships while plumbing the depths of a psychopath’s need for, and subsequent expertise at, total control.
We start where we left off – with Malcolm looking in the back of his father’s station wagon with a blacklight and uncovering a lot of suspicious fluids (I’m not saying its blood but if it’s semen…well…that’s a whole other issue). This mystery gets bigger when a stranger shows up with a gun. Gil gets called in and we begin our episode proper.
Malcolm fills Gil in on the real reason he was at the junkyard, but things get interesting when a body is found in one of the crushed cars. Further exploration uncovers at least 8 more smushed bodies. Some are older, just bones, while others are recent. It seems a bit convenient that Martin’s station wagon would be in the same junkyard as another serial killer’s apparent dumping ground, eh? Malcolm definitely thinks so, and while Gil isn’t convinced, when Malcolm asks his father outright it is confirmed. The Surgeon wasn’t just a world-class father and husband he was also a mentor!
But who is our budding serial killer? Let’s table that mystery for a moment while we get into the other big plot in this episode.
Ainsley! Ah, our long-suffering toe-headed-red-headed stepchild of the Whitly’s is finally getting to interview her father. It’s a big moment for Ainsley and she’s being sneaky about it – providing her producers with a set of softball questions for approval while the actual questions she intends to ask are far more probing. Jessica is worried daddy dearest will twist Ainsley’s words and somehow come out looking fantastic, and her fears aren’t baseless. Martin does manage to fluster his daughter with his answers to her questions, but he also has a bigger plan in the works.
Remember Tevin (Matthew Maher) from last week’s group meeting? How he got all excited about the chance the Surgeon is getting to tell his story to the public, how enthused he was? Well, Martin didn’t miss a beat. He uses his superior manipulation skills to convince Tevin he should stab a guard – one with a keycard – then he can get on TV and tell his story too! We see Tevin creepily shouting to Ainsley as she and Jin are preparing for the interview and I wonder when exactly Martin set the whole thing in motion. Was this shouting part of the plan? Actually, the question of what exactly Martin planned is a good one. Did he tell Tevin to stab Jin, and if so, did he specify the wound shouldn’t be immediately fatal or was that just serendipitous? That’s one of the problems with the whole “brilliant” serial killer or criminal angle because Murphy’s Law never seems to come into play on these living Rube Goldberg machines. Realistically speaking, our newly introduced Ainsley love-interest would certainly be dead, but show’s gotta show!
Once Tevin gets put into play things go haywire. Ainsley is doing her best not to panic but failing miserably – she even makes the classic white person mistake of sending the only minority in the room out for slaughter (in this case under the excuse of getting b-roll for her piece). Jin’s subsequent stabbing provides Martin with the perfect chance to display the point he was making earlier – that his work as a doctor far outweighs the twenty-three lives he took as “The Surgeon”. It also serves to ingratiate himself to his estranged daughter which I think was his end game the whole time.
It makes a lot of sense if we consider the fact that Martin wasn’t allowed to build any kind of relationship with Ainsley. She frequently addresses him in the formal title of Dr. Whitly, rarely Dad or Father – if I remember right, I think she’s only called him by a paternal title once (directly to his face, not necessarily when speaking about him to her mother or brother). That’s gotta hurt Martin, who sees himself as a good father above all else. In fact, it’s only when Ainsley digs into him about how Malcolm has turned out as evidence of his poor fathering that Martin becomes enraged. Saving Jin allows him to save face for that outburst, confirmed when Ainsley marvels to Jessica about how “dad” saved her boyfriend. Jessica sees the attached strings, Malcolm puts them together later as more information surfaces about the junkyard killer (hi, Paul Lazar).
Speaking of our new serial killer, following Martin’s stunt (which is revealed quickly via Tevin) he’s moved out of the prison and out of our protagonist’s reach. The episode ends with the mentee calling in to Martin’s supposedly detached line in the basement. This provides us our super wack-a-doo moment for the episode: Malcolm taking a hammer to the boarded-up section of his mom’s house. These are becoming some of my favorite traits of this series, and the fact that they can show up at any point in an episode is a nice way of keeping things fresh.
We shall see if this new serial killer will be as satisfying as Martin’s been. He mentions knowing Malcolm so at the very least nothing will change there – ole’ Malcolm’s PTSD ain’t getting a rest anytime soon!
Some other things of note:
Poor Jin, we just met him and already he’s getting stabbed for the sake of the Whitly’s family drama.
The flirty vibe between our beloved ME and Malcolm seems to be totally one-sided now. I’m wondering if test audiences weren’t feeling it or if there’s more to come down the line, OR if our ME is just meant to be your usual quirky, quippy ME who may – some day down the series line – get her own episode. Maybe it has to do with the quiet name change that happened – Dr. Edrisa Guilfoyle is now Dr. Edrisa Tanaka (can’t find any info as to why, my guess would be perhaps it didn’t sound Asian enough?). A recent interview with the creators (Chris Fedak and Sam Sklaver) hinted at their enthusiasm towards her and Malcolm’s chemistry so who knows, maybe I’m the only one seeing a change…Either way, I still like her as a character overall.
Powell gives us a fun scene where she chides Malcolm for using the term “hood” in reference to her passion for stopping a killer stalking the Bronx.
Jessica is growing on me – her comments following the fiasco at the prison are pretty priceless. I also like the ex-wife vibe she weirdly has whenever she’s confronting Gil (those two definitely had a fling!).
And of course, we can’t avoid a NY based show taking a cheap shot at NJ. What kind of place sells a knife to a child!? Sure, Martin doesn’t explicitly name the town but he does remark it’s near the garden state.
The latest film about the infamous villain takes an extreme approach to discuss issues, like mental illness and socioeconomic disparity.
There are a few things I want to address before I delve into this piece:
This feature will contain a lot of SPOILERS. I want to truly discuss this movie so it will require talking about the details of the movies that will SPOIL your viewing experience.
This is considered a standalone film. It’s meant to be an original take on the character. Keep that in mind.
The Joker is my favorite supervillain/villain in all media. I went into this movie understanding it would be a different presentation of him and did not let any previous incarnations reflect my opinion.
To reinforce this point, do not go in comparing this Joker to Heath Ledger or any Jokers. This is an origin story, so it provides a different approach to the character, and the qualities you appreciate may not be there because of the character’s timeline.
A critique a lot of people give in regards to the movie is its Scorsese influence in style and feel. I’m not here to judge it against any Scorsese litmus test. I’m here to watch it in its own context.
I’m not really a Todd Phillips fan (I enjoyed his first Hangover movie). I also disagree with his opinions on the current state of comedy in modern society. Yet again, I did not let this interfere with my opinion of the movie.
Okay, I know that was a lot. Are you ready? Let’s look at Todd Phillip’s Joker.
We covered Joker in The Workprint’s Movie Talk. Available here, and on iTunes, Google Play, and Spotify.
What is this Movie?
Arthur Fleck, a party clown and aspiring stand-up comedian, lives in poverty with his mother, Penny. He suffers from a mental illness, causing him a multitude of issues, including uncontrollable laughter. Trying to survive in an early 80’s Gotham City, Fleck must deal with the terrors and injustices of society. Everything from his fellow co-workers, to strangers in the city, and even to the apathetic society he lives in. Beaten, neglected, and forgotten, Arthur crumbles more and more until he is finally pushed over the edge. As small acts of vengeance lead to big plans for the ‘Joker’ and the tense environment around him.
But, no, really, What is this Movie?
Joker is a lot of different things depending on the person you ask. For me, the movie is a cautionary tale of poor and disadvantaged people, especially mentally ill people, being ignored by the society they live in.
Imagine the Grimm fairy tales or any type of fairy tale shown in an old Disney movie. There is a polished, clean version that everyone knows, but, when you look at its origins, you find a story that is dark, twisted, and unsettling. The point of these cautionary tales is to give extreme examples and circumstances to let children know that there is a moral lesson to be learned. It can be “Don’t talk to strangers” or “love who you are.” Joker is an extreme cautionary tale that shows a divided city plagued by a large, socioeconomic gap.
In addition to crime and unemployment, its inhabitants are upset with the city’s lack of efficiency. People are hostile towards each other. Everything from a woman yelling at someone for making her baby laugh, to a gang of kids that beat up people for fun. While we watch Arthur Fleck (Joaquin Phoenix) go through the story, we are given bits and pieces of a Gotham that is like a pressure cooker. The smallest shift or action can cause an explosion.
The Cast
Everyone in this movie did a great job. There was really no bad performances. The reason I generalize because the obvious focus on this section will be Joaquin Phoenix.
Phoenix’s performance is garnering buzz for Award season, and this is rightfully so. His performance really displayed how fine-tuned his ability is. It’s seen in the subtlety of him during mood shifts or the looks of curiosity or confusion. The laughing condition he did was a spectacle to watch. You can tell in his physicality and voice how the laughing was straining him. The blend of humor and pain in his eyes and face, as if it was ripping him apart. Phoenix truly deserves all the praise in the world. This isn’t the first time he has delivered a great performance, but he truly put his all into the movie.
The Vision
When it comes to the writing, Joker is a character study following Arthur Fleck. Like most character studies, and expanding to biopics, a clear distinctive narrative may not be ever-present. This movie focuses on the personal goal of Arthur achieving happiness, and though he faces many twists and turns, he finally feels happy in the end. The beauty in the way this is demonstrated to us is that we don’t agree with what he is doing, but we can kind of understand. Arthur Fleck is not like us, he is a severely troubled individual. The scary thing is that we can see bits of ourselves in him.
Another important part of his transformation is how solid this villain is created. Most great villains are able to capture your emotions and make you feel for them until the moment they do something so horrendous, in which point, they lose you. I think the movie does a great job of getting you to invest in Arthur, then makes you sit and watch him kill his own mother. Though you can understand how someone may feel like they want to do that, Fleck is not in the right mind. After that, most of his decisions seem to not be easily defended. For me, Joker has to be seen through the lens of “looking between the rules.”
A weak point for me was the scene with Murray Franklin. Joker discusses the state of comedy and how you can’t say what is funny. This is an actual point many comedians make in this day and age, making sense from Fleck since he wants to be a comedian. It did seem to be the preachiest part of the movie, but it still fits into the character and didn’t distract too much.
Visually, the movie is fun to look at. The cinematography did its job, but the color palette is what really caught my attention. You get a lot of dark rooms, browns, and beige. The city feels like an ugly background, but it provides the perfect compliment for Arthur’s pop. Whether he is in his party clown makeup or in his suit, he sticks out. This works beautifully. The make-up department did a great job designing the Joker’s face, and the overall production of the movie really hit its marks with stride.
The Discussion of Mental Health
One of the biggest selling points of this movie is the case study of mental health that is prevalent throughout the movie. Like I’ve mentioned a few times, Fleck is a severe case, and he is living in a world where mental health is not a serious priority. As a huge supporter of mental health treatment and awareness, it was really important to see the struggles of this man on the big screen. Today’s world is why more accepting when it comes to mental illness, but this is a very recent social pivot. That’s why seeing Fleck being prescribed seven different medications, going through bare minimum therapy, and being disregarded by his peers hit me hard.
Medication is extremely important for certain people and can be lifesavers, but overprescribing can be an issue and possibly seen as a quick fix solution. Therapy is an essential tool, and one I rely on, but if the right motivation is not there both for the therapist and patient, it will be a waste of time. Personally, I am lucky that I am surrounded by a great support system, but it is still hard for me sometimes. Imagine having no one to help you, and the most supportive person is someone that has their own demons. Fleck had the world against him from the start. You find this out more and more, especially when you find out he was a victim of severe abuse as a child.
There is a very important quote from the movie that we see written in his journal: “The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t.” I think this plays a major part in how people absorb and interpret the movie. If you are judging Fleck’s behavior off of how a “normal” person would respond, you are missing the whole point. The movie wants to show the pitfalls about not understanding those around you.
The World of Gotham
The backdrop to this descent into madness, or acceptance if you are Joker, is an 80’s Gotham City. With many similar feels to New York and Newark, we see a portrayal of a city that suffers from negligence and social disparity. The city is dealing with a garbage strike that has intensified. The city is refusing to deal with the mess, and the people are upset with this. We are seeing social programs and institutions losing money, jobs and industries having trouble surviving, and it keeps getting worse. Whenever we are with the people of Gotham, they are shown in tight spots, crowded apartments, or public transportation. The people have no space to breathe. A big polar opposite is one of the characters in the movie, Thomas Wayne, father of Bruce Wayne/Batman and the 1% in Gotham. We always see him in comfort, spacious surroundings, and under control of almost every situation he is in.
This comes to head when, on his way from losing his job, Fleck is harassed by three wealthy-looking, white men. In self-defense, Fleck kills two of them, but then he makes a conscious effort to find and finish off the last one. This scene is considered horrific and makes headlines all over Gotham. Wayne comes out and says its a tragedy, as the three men worked for his company, and calls anyone that disagrees “clowns.” The people of Gotham see the crime as a premeditated attack on the wealthy. Both sides, plus the media, takes this event and twists it to fit their own narrative. The movie doesn’t lighten up the pressure, and it keeps weighing on everyone until protests start to happen, which lead to riots and a Gotham City in chaos.
The Takeaway
This is not a perfect movie, and the writing can be a bit cleaner and more concise, but the message of this movie is more important than anything else. Joaquin’s performance is worth the price of admission alone, and the movie does serve as an interesting viewing experience. The note I made above about this being a cautionary tale really feels like the best description. It needs to be understood in that context.
P.S. the movie website is a very simple one. Nothing special.
Alyvia Alyn Lind, Austin Crute, Colin Ford, Gregory Kasyan. All Photo Credits: Ursula Coyote, Netflix
A fun show that creatively takes on the post-apocalypse, Daybreak is a lighthearted approach to the end of the world meant for fun times with Generation Z.
Imagine that you’re the ‘John Everybody’ of nobodies. It’s high school, you’re a Canadian transfer student, of below-average intelligence, and for some special reason, you’re dating the most popular girl in school, of whom, you’re absolutely in love with.
Typical high school drama, right? Now nuke it, convert all the adults into zombies, and make every high school clique a territorial gang in a Mad Max styled universe.
We breakdown our favorite stories and moments in Daybreak on TV Talk Episode 20. Available here, iTunes, Google play, and Spotify. Warning: The podcast will be filled with spoilers.
This is the premise of Daybreak, Netflix’s new original series by Brad Peyton (Frontier) and Aron Eli Coleite (Heroes) adapted from Brian Ralph’s comic.And though it’s premise seems a little campy at first, it’s actually a very good show worth the binge this Halloween.
Overall, this show delivers. Daybreak is fun, over-the-top, and filled to the brim with pop culture references from everything to Breaking Bad ricin cigarettes to the bites from The Walking Dead zombies. Here’s my take on a spoiler-free review of Daybreak.
What Daybreak is About
Daybreak is a young adult survival comedy, as teens, each from different backgrounds and backstories, have to beat the odds together in a world where adults, over the age of 18, have turned into zombie-like creatures called ‘Ghoulies’.
Ghoulies are not your typical zombies. They obsess over the mindless practices of the world before, like sports statistics, or finding a good sale on shoes. A social commentary on how adults have already destroyed the world as we know it before the bombs even went off.
It’s also somewhat implied in episode one, that this had to do with twitter and our biggest world leader getting somewhat offended over yet another trivial matter. Causing global nuclear strikes, allegedly by China and/or Russia, that set-off the ghoulie disease that also mutated a large portion of the animal population.
We initially see the story unfold from the point of view of Josh Wheeler (Collin Ford, who is excellent all-around), the ‘Ferris Bueller’ of the series. He’s on a quest to find his girlfriend, Sam, befriending Wesley, a black gay Samurai pacifist on a quest for peace, and Angelica, a genius twelve-year-old pyromaniac looking for a place to call home.
Matthew Broderick, whose Ferris Bueller character inspired the series, plays principal Burr.
Daybreak is a Comedy
It’s important to embrace the suspension of disbelief in the show’s initial camp, as it’s a comedy. The series, often plays on expectations (similar to the TV show Community. Which ironically was set in ‘Greendale’ while this is set in ‘Glendale’) in light-hearted and very heartfelt ways. Especially because the post-apocalypse concept has been exhausted in the last decade.
Most of the kids we see survive the apocalypse by using a lot of the templates they’ve seen on TV or in movies. It’s also why the series features a LOT of pop culture references.
This also opens the door to use a surprisingly large amount of Gen X material. Matthew Broderick, being it’s most obvious, both in his casting within the series, and in Daybreak’s use of the Ferris Bueller fourth-wall-breaking narrative. An on-the-nose joke because creator Brian Ralph had alwaysmeant for the series to be Ferris Bueller set in the apocalypse.
Targeted towards a younger audience, the show is still, rated mature. With some occasional pot use, swear words, and occasional death scenes. Death often serves as a butt of the joke and just like in The Walking Dead, most of the main cast remains unharmed.
Still, Daybreak is an apocalypse story. So expect explosions, some gore — though often, all for comedic effect.
Daybreak is Also a Drama
The teen drama is what you’d expect. Lots of flashbacks into the world before and how characters have changed from who they are now. There’s also, a lot about identity politics, romances, and themes about looking for a place or group to fit in with and call family. Most of the main cast were outcasts who had rather neglectful parents to begin with, which is how their survival skills were already finely tuned before this apocalypse.
Initially, Daybreak doesn’t feel like there is much at stake. Though much of this changes after the first few episodes, where we shift focus away from Josh and see the story from other character’s perspectives.
The show does a great job pulling together the ‘happier’ high school moments featured in everyone’s separate backstory episodes (spoilers, all of the main cast get awesome backstory narratives) and then recontextualizes all the moments we’ve watched in the series.
Above everything, it makes us realize that just like in high school, people are not to be taken at surface value. Everyone has deeper stories and their own sins and problems, as Daybreak effectively reframes the first half of the series and sympathizes with how complicated life can be when growing up. We also see how Josh and Sam’s campy romance… was not as perfect as it seems.
It also ties together with the ‘big bad’ storyline, which I think most people will expect but I won’t spoil that here.
Daybreak’s Cheerazons. An amazon-like Gang of Badassery.
Daybreak’s Message is Creatively Executed
Creatively, the series plays with a surprising amount of styles. There are POV shifts, narrative breaking moments, doodled scribbles from YOU the observer/other narrator, and even crazy themed episodes ranging from a fourth-wall-breaking shoot of Daybreak starring Mrs. Crumble the Witch, a breaking bad ‘slime’ dealing backstory featuring Angelica the genius, and an animated Samurai episode for Wesley featuring RZA from the Wu-Tang clan serving as his conscious and episode narrator.
Also, musicals. Expect a couple of musical numbers. Including a very funny Japanese rendition of The Backstreet Boys.
For all it tries to do, Daybreak is creative, self-aware, and touching. Unafraid to address sensitive issues of the times, even for what’s essentially apocalypse high.
The story can throw in themes about being gay, embracing proper pronouns, or argue for women’s empowerment; just as equally, as it can have the jocks be mean warrior assholes to nerds or showcase that above everything else, leadership (aka popularity) matters.
The themes fit in this crazy universe. Especially given that its the end of the world so who’s to stop you from being YOU.
It is a story about teens… so identity is important.
The Takeaway
The best parts are when the show goes over the top and borderline silly. The performances were on point, and the script poignant and always hilariously surprising.
Daybreak is also of surprisingly high production quality. An attempt at reaching a niche market that Netflix likely needs to fill, as there aren’t too many shows specifically catered to Gen-Z just yet, save for Sabrina the Teenage Witch and 13 Reasons Why.
Give it a chance, at least until episode 5. Though know that it all serves a deeper character storyline.
Imagine a world where Kaiju, the X-Men, and Hellboy are all rolled up into one giant mosaic of horror that not only creates an enjoyable and messed up horror tale but is also very relevant to modern socio-political discourse.
Interested yet?
For this week’s comic book highlight, I want to focus on a piece from 2015 called Behemoth by Chris Kipiniak and J.K. Woodward.
The book tells the story of young Theresa who is genetically changing into a monstrous/bug like creature and is manipulated/forced to join a US military initiative called “Behemoth.”
The story, wonderfully constructed by Kipiniak of Marvel Adventures Spider-Man and X-Men: Icons fame, confronts important themes of identity and systemic (as well as personal) abuse through the lens of horror fiction.
Kipiniak is able to keep an engaging story with great pacing, leaving the reader wanting more after each issue.
He’s also able to use metaphor to tackle complex issues in a new and unique way. For example, the story is told in a first-person perspective of Theresa, who’s enduring a Kafkaesque transformation and is trying to retain her human identity.
This is indicated heavily throughout the story as her thoughts start to reflect her deteriorating state of mind and emotions at different stages. Kudos to Jesse Post on some great lettering to accentuate those feelings.
Kipiniak knows how to play up the empathy of the characters and uses relationship building techniques in his story to his advantage. He definitely utilizes every panel and scene for a purpose, which drives the story forward, keeping the reader focused and moving along in this deadly dance until the last page of the book.
The villain of the story, Major Rayne (reminiscent of William Stryker from the X-Men), adds a whole different level of complexity to the story that read off (to me) as a dark metaphor for gaslighting for political purposes.
The art, which is wonderfully painted by Woodward, complements the dark tones and characteristics of Kipiniak’s story and is visually stunning.
Each stroke provides an abstract yet almost detailed look into not the physical attributes of the characters but also the pain and anguish that each character from the Behemoth initiative experience.
Woodward’s play with lighting and shadow work also provides interesting depth to the art and the story itself.
The detail he employs in the artwork will even provide important information about the characters and the story that is conveniently left out from the dialogue of the script, making the impact of different events in the story much more gruesome and poignant.
I highly recommend checking out Behemoth. It plays on familiar tropes in a different way and really satisfies the fanboy in me within this genre(s). It’ll also get the inner millennial in most of you fired up in a good way.
One of the most fantastic and accessible panels at New York Comic Con that any aspiring writer, actor, or any other artist, as well as any geek, should attend is the Best American Sci-Fi & Fantasy series book panel.
Now, I know tossing around the word “should” may be passive-aggressive, but damn it, this is too good not to talk about.
For those of you who may not know, the Best American Series is a compilation of the best short stories in different genres from magazines around the nation and is published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. These genres range from mystery, sports, travel, horror, comics, and of course – Sci-Fi & Fantasy.
What’s fantastic about the panel is that the authors provide the audience with an inside look at where their mindsets were when composing the pieces, as well as the different techniques they utilized in their writing.
One of the most important ideas that permeated with each author’s discussion on their pieces was challenging the reader on popular conventions, in terms of both theme and technique. Sci-Fi and Fantasy, as genres, are known for encouraging readers to explore new ideas and perspectives through the lens of fiction.
For example, during the panel, the moderator asked Jemisin on what her thoughts were on utilizing template techniques and how it played into the creation of her piece, “The Story Teller’s Replacement.” She answered, “I have spent probably the bulk of my career reacting against those templates. There’s too many of those because too many of them are so restrictive and are in so many ways shallow.”
Much in the spirit of Sci-Fi and Fantasy writing, each author brought their individual experiences on the topics they explored, which range from framing devices and language exploration to perception, race, identity, and other socio-political themes.
When asked about exploring her ideas within the piece, Jemisin stated that “[I] was reacting against the fairy tales of my childhood in which [the] princess who did something so evil as complain about a pea in their bed, some of them made themselves more feminine and also made themselves sound like really horrible people to me as a child. So, I kind of wanted to just mess with that, I was not interested in the whole princess paradigm the whole idea of princesses was something that had a lot of potential to play with and just keep me going.”
This particular book series panel at Comic Con is at least two years old now, and the overall publication, edited by John Joseph Adams, has utilized guest editors from at least 2015. Currently, the guest editor is award-winning writer, Carmen Maria Machado, known for Her Bodies and Other Parties. One of her short stories is also featured in the 2018 edition of the book, which was edited by NK Jemisin.
Definitely check out the anthology series, as well as the previous editions online or preferably at your local bookstore! If you have any thoughts on The Best of Series, or sci-fi/fantasy in general, leave us a comment below or follow me on twitter @jadkaado and the site at @TheWorkPrint.
There’s a lot to unbox in tonight’s Prodigal Son. Ainsley is finally getting some love, Malcolm’s on the verge of a real psychotic break, and Martin is…shy?
We start off nowhere near 20 years ago, which is such a relief. Instead, it’s one week ago and Ainsley is asking Martin Whitly if he would let her interview him. He’s…surprisingly reluctant. See, Martin is eager to have a relationship with his daughter – who he never got to know since Mom swept her away and out of his reach once he went to the slammer. However, he’s worried being interviewed about his “work” won’t go over well because the general public just wouldn’t understand it.
As for why Ainsley is so die-hard to get the interview, it could be she sees it as a boon to her career, but, as any good Catholic boy or girl knows: What happens when you make something off-limits? It becomes the only thing you want. You have to have it. Hell, you might even work your whole career just to make getting it possible. Is it possible Ainsley only became a reporter because it might one day give her access to her father? Yes. Entirely. Still, for now it’s only a theory. We do get a glimpse into her curiosity when she asks her father the question he knows she’s been dying to ask: Was it real? Did he really love his family? He appears to say yes, but when she tells Jessica, her mother is less than convinced. Afterall, Jessica knows how manipulative Martin can be, how charming. Did Martin really love his family???
It’s a decent question. Most people who hear the word psychopath assume a soulless, emotionless monster who just runs around killing people for the fun of it, but in truth psychopaths aren’t so cut and dry. Yes, they have a lack of shame and empathy, but they have also been proven to be capable of real relationships – albeit very few. A psychopath can truly love but it’s a case-by-case deal. Just like not all “normal” people are created equal, neither are all psychopaths.
ANYWAY…
Ainsley’s major hurdle will be Jessica who is determined to make sure neither of her children get involved with their infamous father. So far, she’s made Martin take Malcolm off his visitor list and pulled high school strings to get Ainsley’s story thrown out, but we all know those deterrents won’t work for long. Hint Hint: the preview for the next episode sees both the Whitly kids in dad’s cell.
The other part of Ainsley’s story is the peak into her love life – she’s dating her cameraman Jin (Raymond Lee). She also looks to be about as consumed by her work as the other Whitly’s (Jessica’s work would be philanthropy and her children, Martin’s would be murder and getting his family back, and of course Malcolm’s is profiling and figuring out what happened 20 years ago), which is a shame but at least it looks like Jin can convince her to take some breaks now and again.
In between the little tidbits we get of Ainsley as an actual person (nice to see Jessica breaks into her apartment too), the serial killer plot involves a man who was stabbed multiple times in the park. Malcolm must have been getting his ZZZ’s because he’s curious as to why Gil calls him in on the case whereas last episode, he inserted himself into a case that clearly didn’t require a profiler. But, Malcolm’s a team player and happily set his profiler eye to the scene.
We’re told the man, Gavin Parker, was murdered by a sadist – a budding sadists who is only starting to realize that hurting people gives him (or her, but they never say her, le sigh) joy. The victim’s name leads us to Crystal Parker (Katie Kreisler), the wife. When visited by Malcolm and Gil she doesn’t seem too upset her husband was murdered – this is because they were getting a divorce, and she’d already started to move on with Jake (Charlie Semine). Jake’s gonna play our red herring for the bulk of this investigation. He fits the part pretty well – definitely has a temper, loves to hurt people, and has motive! But, eventually we discover it wasn’t Jake or Crystal (who later confesses when she gets arrested at the scene trying to hide evidence) who killed Gavin, it was…wait for it…their son!
Hi, killer kid. You’re the third one I’ve seen so far. The one in Evil got murdered by his folks for attempting to kill sister more than once, and the one in New Amsterdam got treated (successfully???) by Dr. Iggy Frome (Tyler Labine) after nearly killing her brother. What’s Issac’s (Clark Furlong) story? His mom knows he’s got a problem – hi, conduct disorder! But, she’s insanely in love with him (but not in a gross way), so when he kills his dad, she’s fine with covering for him. Why did he kill his dad? Because Gavin found out his kid was a psycho and wanted to put him in a psychiatric facility. Sorry, Dr. Frome. Though, Malcolm does manage to get through to the kid so only one of the creepy kids this TV season dies.
Malcolm initially ignores the boy as a possible suspect not because of the usual bias of only seeing an innocent child, but rather the more specific bias of only seeing an innocent child around his age who also lost his father. Speaking of Malcolm and his dad, you didn’t think we were gonna let that station wagon go, right? Nah!
Thanks to Powell Malcolm is able to track down his childhood vehicle, but his shrink Dr. Gabrielle Le Deux warns him it’s not a good idea to go down this road. See, Malcolm’s memory block might be an act of protection; if he breaks that wall down his whole world could break. We see a sign of this when he has a non-sleep deprivation induced, non-drug related hallucination of his father at his mother’s house. Dr. Le Deux warned him about this, but will he keep knocking on that door? Given he tracks down the station wagon and is seen investigating it with the aid of a blacklight flashlight at the end of the episode, you betcha!
Additional thoughts:
Could not see any obvious connection of the title to anything in the episode, except of course for sadists. I guess All Souls is in relation to Halloween? Granted, it’s Nov. 2nd, so…yeah, I have no idea.
Nice to see Payne teasing at his martial arts skills – we don’t really get to see too much of sadly, but it does give those TWD fans a little homage to the Jesus they lost.
More importantly: Props to the television landscape for getting the message on being more diverse! I’ve been seeing a real uptick in the number of Asians in shows. 9-11 has “Chimney”, who, being part of an ensemble, has had several significant storylines. Fresh off the Boat gives us a family sitcom set around Asians (which honestly, took forever to come around again – hi All American Girl!). And, of course, Prodigal Son which has Keiko Agena, Lou Diamond Phillips (who checks off a lot of boxes), and now Raymond Lee (playing cameraman Jin) and James Saito (playing Martin’s prison therapist Dr. Higa). Granted, Phillips is the only real regular and prominently featured Asian, but I’m hoping Agena gets a bigger chunk of time in the future (being the show’s “kooky” M.E. she’ll always have a place, kind of the way Masi Oka’s Max Bergman did on Hawaii Five-0). Hey, it’s a start, and Prodigal Son also features African Americans and Hispanics on their roster, so not too shabby, especially for a show set in NYC! Take that, Friends!
Thursday’s Supernatural is entitled “The Rupture” and it ends the three-part opening storyline of the final season. We lose Rowena, Ketch, and Demon Jack, but at least that town gains some peace.
We start off with the clock running out on Demon Jack’s wall. Rowena’s doing her witchy best but it’s not enough, so DJ proposes a plan. Never trust a demon, you say? Very true, however, any plan is better than no plan, right? Kinda. Over the course of this episode we learn DJ’s motives are shady AF (this doesn’t surprise Dean in hindsight), Rowena had some set intentions she now gets to put in play, and Dean’s still not over his anger towards Cass regarding his mom’s death.
Remember when Ketch showed up saying he’d been hired by a demon to kill Belphegor? That’s Ardat (Sharon Taylor) and she tracks Ketch down at a hospital where we discover he is somehow not dead, but she quickly fixes that error when he refuses to give up his friends to her. It’s a nice noble death for (to me) a largely loathed character and fitting for the show. It also allows Ardat to ascertain Bel’s location. This leads to confrontation between Ardat and Cass and Bel that inevitably turns into a confrontation between Cass and Bel (Bel’s plan is similar to that of Cass’s from Season 6). And ends with Cass rage smiting Bel from Jack’s body to the point of burning his proxy son’s corpse and the horn (Lilith’s “crook” – the episode’s Deus ex machina designed to solve our souls from Hell problem). No worries, Rowena has a better solution.
Our neigh immortal witch has been a little death-happy in the past and she finally gets the ending she’s so desperately sought. See, Rowena put Resurrection Seals in her body to prevent her from ever dying (it’s one of these that explains why Ketch didn’t die the first time when Mary shot him in the face). She’s cool with death now though, and learns from the source it’s gotta be Sam Winchester who takes her out. Hence her pairing up with Sammy in this episode. By the end when DJ’s plan falls apart, Rowena is happy to pick up the load, going through with her always-intended fix: She takes all the souls from Hell into her body, kills herself, then falls into Hell so when her body finally dies the souls are released back into Hell. Another noble sacrifice – and I’ll be honest two in one episode (even if Rowena’s is on a much grander scale) kind of blunts the impact. We’re meant to feel sad that Rowena is dying, but I just can’t. This show has played so fast and loose with the idea of death that major characters’ expirations can’t be taken seriously. I had this same experience when Jack killed Mary. I just didn’t really care. But again, 15 fucking seasons has a tendency to mute a lot of feelings over time (at least for me).
The final storyline in this episode is Dean’s harbored rage at Castiel. Mind you, this seems extremely shoehorned in just for the sake of kicking the boys’ while they are down. Afterall, we just lost Ketch (a foe turned friend), Rowena (the same but I think an overall more beloved character), why not throw Castiel into the mix? Also, if we’re gonna steal storylines from previous seasons the one where Dean banishes Cass from the inner circle does seem to be a popular motif (it’s happened…three times now I think?).
This time around, Dean is mad because Castiel killed Bel before he could finish blowing the horn and absorbing all the souls escaped from Hell thereby negating the need for Rowena’s sacrifice. Cass explains he found out about Bel’s plan to absorb the souls to become all powerful and of course had to stop him, while Dean argues they would have “found a way” to deal with the fallout. I’m not buying it, and neither is Cass – he calls out Dean saying the elder Winchester brother’s anger is really about Mary’s death. Dean blames Cass because the angel wasn’t totally upfront about Jack’s missing soul and that lead to Jack’s impulsive murder of Mary. Which is true, however, Dean’s done the same thing when it comes to Sam. Kevin’s death is the direct result of Dean protecting a truth about Sam he keeps hidden from Cass (going so far as to ban the angel from the bunker at Gadreel’s behest). So should Dean really be SO mad at Cass? Granted, it was his mother that died and not a mutual friend, but still…Anyway, the confrontation ends as it always does with Cass leaving the team.
One of my favorite things about final seasons is that, regardless of how many episodes it takes, their storylines are often streamlined as fuck. Things happen quickly and if you look closely you can see where the long game was neutered. The releasing of all souls from Hell storyline is wrapped up within three episodes as opposed to an entire season or even half a season – which means more storylines are due. The Ketch and Belphegor betrayal angles were also quickly dealt with, while over the course of a normal season they would have been heavily hinted at and nearly discovered several times before being resolved. Even the need to kill long-time characters gets rushed (sorry Rowena, not sorry Ketch). But we’ll see if this season is going to be more in line with the show Agents of Shield where there are sometimes as many as 4 different sub-storylines that converge into an overall storyline. My guess would be yes. It gives you the most bang for your buck.
With the souls back in Hell and the doors closed, what’s in story (on purpose) for the boys’ next?
Dani Powell takes center stage in this week's Prodigal Son episode!
It’s episode five and our show has finally decided to shake things up a bit. Get ready to leave the Whitly family in the dust (kind of), stay in the present (mostly), and learn a little about a familiar face (once again, not Ainsley).
We start with our usual opening: Malcolm trying to get some sleep. Cut to the predictable flashbacks to 20 years ago, but wait…something’s different! Instead of our tried and true trip to the past we’re presented with a mini-montage of nightmares and daylight encounters we’ve already seen over the past four episodes. Much like the audience, Malcolm is tired of it and decides to go for a stroll in hopes of easing his troubled mind. Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t work. Malcolm winds up drawn to the trunk of a nearby station wagon – why? We’ll get to that.
“The Trip” is an episode largely devoted to exploring the past of Det. Dani Powell and strengthening her relationship with Malcolm. This is done with a murder, only for once the case isn’t just a skeleton holding up the meat that is The Whitly’s family drama, it’s the engine that powers getting to know Dani. See, Det. Powell knows the victim: Jacques Desir; she’s familiar with the Haitian drug world the murder introduces us to. The number one suspect is an old friend of hers: Xavier Estime (Hampton Fluker), a man she believes is innocent of the crime. But Estime’s name came highly recommended from rival gang leader Saulo Reyes (Robert Montano) who swears he had nothing to do with Desir’s murder (I mean, if a gang leader says it, it must be true!) so, we’re off to the races!
Our horse to bet is Estime, but after a visit (against Gil’s orders of course) from Dani and Malcolm it’s clear he’s not our guy, but then who is? Well, after a nifty drug trip (hi title!), an interview with Islande (a would-be hitwoman played by Ashlei Sharpe Chestnut), and a heart-to-heart while staking out Estime’s hiding spot we discover it’s actually Trini (Pascale Armand) the mother of a dead hostess turned mule who murdered Desir. How very Friday the 13th!
Throughout our murder mystery is sprinkled tidbits about who Dani Powell is as a person, and more importantly (sorry feminism) who she is to Malcolm!
In the pilot I contemplated that maybe her and Malcolm would become an item, but by the second episode it was clear that wasn’t likely, and this episode solidifies it. Dani is the friend to our troubled protagonist. She enjoys his company, is playfully dismissive of any sexual advances (which from him are equally playful) and, understands his emotional hang-ups because she comes from a similar place. We learn Dani used to be undercover narcotics. While working as a hostess she met and befriended Estime, he eventually made her as a cop but never gave her up, and when she OD’d, he was the one who saved her. Later on, Gil brought her into his team despite her checkered past creating a father figure relationship akin to the one he shares with Malcolm (“Police work is patience” is a lesson they both learned from him). It makes her a kind of unrelated sibling to him, on equal footing and with equal investment into his future endeavors. This is a friendship that will grow as the series progresses, but it also makes me wonder what kind of trials are in store for it (both our players have trust issues).
As much as this episode strives to break free of the mold of its predecessors some things can’t be helped. Interesting though Dani’s story is, this show is about the Whitly family and Jessica won’t let you forget it!
Ma Whitly is trying something new – charity without being anonymous. It does not go well and just when Jessica gives up, a new player enters the game. Eve Blanchard (Molly Griggs) says she’s a lawyer intent on fighting human trafficking, but I’ll be honest, I don’t trust her. What was that line about not judging her by her exes? Who are her exes? My conspiracy sense is tingling and I’m wondering if Eve wasn’t sent by Martin himself. This is especially suspicious because Malcolm happens in on Mom and Eve talking and there is a noticeable chemistry between the two of them (Malcolm and Eve). Also, her name is Eve. Lately, on any show I’ve watched, that’s a red flag.
Lastly, and not in the least less importantly, is Malcolm’s drug trip. When Dani goes behind Gil’s back to interview Estime it’s at his nightclub, where she conveniently runs into Malcolm. His description of Estime as a bad guy is an amazing moment (very funny), but this scene ultimately leads to a bunch of drugs exploding in Malcolm’s face causing him to be very, very high. Before this he wasn’t doing very well, running on days without sleep and hallucinating hardcore. Our title refers solely to this moment, which is also a departure, since most of the titles have been in relation to the murders or murderers.
Malcolm’s trip allows the show to indulge in the thing it always wants to focus on: Malcolm and Martin and 20-fucking-years ago. I will give it credit for being kind of original in the approach since, aside from flashbacks, neither Martin or Ainsley make appearances in this episode. Instead, we see Malcolm’s subconscious playing the part of his incarcerated father – his worst fear come true – offering him help for his sleeplessness. Little does subconscious Malcolm know that all his conscious self really needed was to be punched in the face by Dani! Before that happens however, he does remind his waking-self of a box they hid as a boy (after Mom burned all traces of Dad) which contains the context he requires to stitch all those fragmented memories together.
Ug…seriously??? What’s in the box…AGAIN!? Oh wait, no, we actually get to see what’s in the box. After a moment of false dashed hope, Jessica pulls through, sending Malcolm his childhood shoebox of secrets. Among the treasured items? A picture that shows Martin, Malcolm, and a station wagon. Father-son camping trip eh?
Just a fun little note: We ended episode four on Ainsley – we pick up episode five on…Malcolm, and Ainsley doesn’t show up AT ALL. Meanwhile, we ended episode three on Jessica then picked up with her story in episode four! Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ, SERIOUSLY!?!?!? On the Bright side (yep!), Ainsley’s story might finally show up next episode if the previews are to be trusted (I wouldn’t bet on it). But it’s not all bad news…
Credit where credit is due: Prodigal Son does at least try to be a more progressive show. Case in point: The ratio of meaningful male to female characters is fairly even. You’ve got Martin, Malcolm, Gil, and JT, then there’s Dani, Jessica, Ainsley, and Dr. Edrisa Guilfoyle. Martin, Malcolm and Gil are clearly major players while JT is the Ainsley of the bunch (sorry girl). Jessica has taken point for the ladies’ side, but Dani is showing her true colors now which is a nice change of pace, which leaves poor Edrisa and Ainsley fairly S.O.L.
You would always trust a hand up for a high five on a window, right?
INTRODUCTION:
What would you say to someone who described something like: “this sounds like an Ambien coated in sarcasm and taken down with a shot of vodka and the playfulness of heartache”. Would you say they are drunk or full of life? You may even call them for their wanting to get at your brain.
In the early 1980s they called it ‘pop’. In the early 1990s they called it ‘alt’. In the early 2010s, they called it ’emo’. It was still the same. Something that had just bourne into your ear and never when out. It was a song you just went with the melody out with and the lyrics hit you. Taylor Swift, you can’t hold a goddamn candle to it, nary blow out a birthday candle.
All of those couldn’t cover of what HTRK sounds like. It is all of them combined. The somber yet siren tone of Jonnine Standish and the production and guitars of Nigel give an air to those waiting what is the coming off of their AMAZING sophomoric album Psychic 9-5 Club.
There has been bandied about talk that psychics are soothsayers. There is talk in smokey cabals that psychics are merely charlatans. Let me tell you that this album, believer or not will leave you spellbound and I will release this sage onto you, as a seance… oh what the hell am I saying? Music is subjective. You either like it or you don’t.
What I present to the Court is my weirdly understanding of a brilliant album.
Track * 7. Chinatown Style:
If there was an introductory track, this is it. It is bathed in this ooze of lethargy and drunken sensibility with a bath bomb of sensuality infused in a tub of good vibes. I say bath bomb because this is the thing that grows on you like a Poison Ivy (also infused with a sensuality). This is a song you may have after a late night of good meeting with friends or a good meeting with someone you know a little more. It’s slithery and the thriving bassline only complements the dreamy vocals. The beating synths only drive the point home… what was is the point? Don’t you want to stay the night? (BONUS: the music video)
Track * 6. Love is Distraction:
For those of you in contemplation of what makes you, an existentialist view. This track is still confrontational in its lyrics ‘Elbows flash like Diamonds’ bringing you into further cogitation. Love is truly a distraction. The sharpest part of our body it isn’t. It is our mind. It can make you impious and worship the only one you truly love, work. It can be your better splint, better spent.
Track * 4. Soul Sleep:
When all of that thought gets too much, one needs a bit of rest, the likes of which even Orpheus could be jealous of. We go into this song that has a melody and Casio that can put even Galactus to sleep for a few hours. Even the gods rest. In that, we realize what’s truly great… Ourselves!
Track * 5. Wet Dream:
Now the title sounds juvenile, and the first opening lines sound like a six-grade health teacher trying to hamfistedly guide you through puberty. This is what’s going through you emotionally when you’ve broken up or hit a roadblock. You’ve had that nice slumber and now have a new lean on life. Time to wake up and meet the…
Track * 2. Blue Sunshine:
This is the most bright song and why not? It’s sonically sensational and sparkling. It makes you think of a blue sun. It’s kind of the way you feel after sex or regretting sex, but the afterglow is still there. It’s a malleable taste and it can cum in all flavors. You are beginning to fall in love with yourself again and this wave comes upon you. This wonderful, nearly body experience of freedom.
Track * 3. Feels Like Love:
This love was always there, but there was always lingering. Thus, the slow 808 beat. It’s a basic song you would listen to on the beach. This is a contemplation song you listen to while kicking your feet up in the constantly upending sand on the shore as the waves are awash on your ankles and feet, each wave and dune of sand getting lower and lower. Aphex Twin would marry this beat and then take it out to lunch on the boardwalk because it’s probably the deepest beat in the entire album.
Track * 1. Give It Up:
This is the first track that got me into this whole album. It’s slow, yet violent. The beat itself is entrancing but oppressive. The synths are catchy yet worrisome. The opening line is enticing, but inviting like how a wolf welcomes death. She knows it’s all coming and braces herself. There’s some good wordplay in this like ‘knock my precious mettle sideways’… oh, that’s not speaking of a Caddy. It is basically the song of someone who is bracing herself for impact and in love with the whole wreck. As a ghost, she would probably take a picture of the wreck.
Track * 8. The Body You Deserve:
We finish off with the dreamiest of all the songs. Interpret it as you want, but what is implied is that after that love crash, you finally get to Heaven. Death is inevitable for some relationships. You can restructure yourself. That body you deserve is not someone you want but someone who you want to be. You are reincarnated. This is a big win because everything on this big blue spinning marble is happening faster than we can know and slower than we can fathom.
That being said, I honestly put this album on one of my top 20s. It actually has the musical sensibility and morose of Everything But The Girl and Nick Cave, but with the sensuality of Kate Bush and Kylie Minogue.
This band deserves to be nearly in its own category, if not for anything, I cannot goddamned place it. It’s too dreamy, too weird, too awesome to contain words.
In other words, check it out on Spotify or their music videos/live performances on Youtube.
