EA is partnering with Hazelight Studios to bring A Way Out, a brand new indie title from the creators of Brothers – A Tale of Two Sons, to players under the EA Originals banner.
Releasing in early 2018, A Way Out is “a co-op only game uniquely tailored for two players to work together no matter the situation.” A Way Out embarks on “an emotional adventure” to tell the tale of Leo and Vincent with two separate inmates who don’t know each other. While their individual stories progress, players will have to build a relationship based on trust as they break both men out of prison into the world beyond. Their journey will take them on car chases, through stealth passages, melee fights, shootouts and much more.
“Josef and his team at Hazelight represent everything that EA Originals stands for,” said Patrick Soderlund, Executive Vice President of EA Worldwide Studios. “They are a small and very talented group with a vision and passion for a game that is truly unique in the video game industry. A Way Out is going to surprise people with its innovative co-op gameplay and the way it tells an emotional story solely through these two characters.”
“This game is going to bring a co-op experience unlike anything you have ever seen before,” said Josef Fares, Writer and Director at Hazelight. “The idea for A Way Out came when me and a friend tried to find a story driven co-op game that wasn’t a drop-in/drop-out experience. We simply could not find a game like that. We’re also bringing an innovative look into how to tell the story of both these characters. Players will be immersed in the game with the way we change the display from a full screen experience seamlessly to different cinematic split-screen formats. By focusing on the two characters in different ways, it opens up a huge variety of gameplay, as we really wanted to avoid repetitions so they will get to know the characters through very different situations.”
A Way Out will be available as a digital download in early 2018 on PC via Origin, Xbox One and PlayStation 4.
Madden 18 is adding its first ever campaign story mode with Longshot.
Longshot will follow the story of former five-star high school quarterback, Devin Wade as his journey takes him from being an NFL prospect to the Draft. The campaign will follow him both on and off the field.
The characters and cast:
Devin Wade – This forgotten college star, played by JR Lemon, returns home to pursue his dreams and find football redemption.
Cutter Wade – Played by Academy Award-winning actor Mahershala Ali, Cutter was once a great athlete who dedicated his life to Devin and their shared passion for football.
Colt Cruise – Played by Scott Porter, this happy-go-lucky jokester is a fiercely loyal friend who cares about Devin’s shot in the NFL as much as his own.
Dan Marino – One of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, Marino serves as Devin’s mentor who doesn’t always play by the rules.
Season 3 Episode 10: “Return of the Dead Guy”
Original Air Date: June 06, 2017
This week on iZombie, Peyton and Liv get their kink on, Liv is visited by the ghost of her ex-lover, and Ravi has to outsmart Harley and his merry band of nitwit Zombie Haters.
After a lackluster start to the season, I am glad to say that iZombie is back on track. Seriously though, so many amazing things happened in “Return of the Dead Guy” it is hard to know where to begin.
Crime of the Week:
Technically there was no crime of the week this episode, which was a-okay with me. Instead, Liv has a day off and wants the apartment to herself so she can have a bang fest with Justin. Peyton, though, makes Liv a better offer…spending her day off with her bestie.
Liv: “I don’t want you to be insulted. And don’t think I haven’t considered it, but I’m gonna stick with men.”
Oh man, I wish, but that wasn’t what Peyton had in mind, exactly. Peyton wants Liv to eat the brain of Mr. James Weckler, the lead suspect in the Dominatrix killing, because she is not convinced that Weckler is the perp. Liv decides to put chicks before dicks and the two besties head to the morgue to make Liv some breakfast.
Huevos Ranchbrainos
At this point, I should also mention that Mr. Weckler hanged himself in prison, was previously committed to a psych hospital for seeing his dead wife, and his brain has been soaking in Ravi’s memory blue brain solution for the past week or so.
I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing Peyton and Liv spend time together until this episode. Not only did they interacted more with each other in this single episode than they have all season, it was also the first time in a long time that it felt like these two were actually best friends and not just in Team Z together.
This is what besties look like
I think it is safe to say that what happens next is my favorite thing to ever, ever, EVER happen on iZombie. And I swear this is not an exaggeration. After ingesting some Weckler brain, Liv and Peyton try to elicit a vision with some S&M role playing, as two best friends often do. Liv is not impressed when Peyton unenthusiastically taps her bum with a fly swatter, so she decides to give Peyton the motivation that she needs:
Liv: “That is some weak sauce counselor. Looks like we found something Peyton isn’t good at. ”
This is also what besties look like
Well, Liv knows how to light a fire under her besties ass, because after that, Peyton is 100% in.
Peyton: “Take it back you undead slut.”
Finally, this good fun triggers a vision. Unfortunately for Peyton, though, it reveals that James did indeed kill Sweet Lady Pain when she caught him stealing the thumb drive. Then, Liv learns of the second side effect of this brain, seeing her dead ex-boyfriend Drake, for whose death she blames herself.
Peyton: “Who are you talking to?” Liv: “Drake” Peyton: “Drake, old boyfriend Drake?” Liv: “No, Drake the multi-platinum hip-hop star”
Liv is understandably shaken and disturbed by seeing the ghost of her ex. In truth, besides the premiere, Liv has barely mentioned Drake. Instead, she has been hiding from it and burying her emotions by jumping from brain to brain. And so, true to form, after being confronted with Drake’s ghost, Liv heads to the morgue.
Unfortunately for Liv, her ghost of boyfriends past follows her to the morgue. Clive witnesses Liv talking to Drake’s ghost, which leads to an awkward explanation, but also triggers another vision where Liv experiences Weckler being hanged by a prison guard. This starts an investigation into the prison guards and leads to the discovery that the prison guard who murdered Weckler mysteriously died by falling overboard during a cruise.
This case is getting fishier and fishier.
So in a final move to try to find anything to make sense of this case, Liv and Clive track down and interrogate Weckler’s daughter, Tatum. She doesn’t give up any information on her father or his death, but when Liv and Clive leave we learn that Tatum and her best friend are both zombies. Interesting to say the least.
Justin and Liv
One of the biggest obstacles that Liv has with this brain is that it cock blocks her plans to bone Justin. It’s pretty hard to have sex with your new boyfriend when the ghost of your ex pops up everywhere, including in your bed.
In the end, Liv deals with her grief and guilt surrounded Drake’s death, but not before a little ghost makeout session. And then, all roads are clear for her to bang Justin. I am not going to lie, I am over Justin and Liv. This is in part because I find them boring, but mostly because I JUST WANT LIV AND CHASE TO BE TOGETHER.
Major
Also getting jiggy with it is Major. Remember that girl who sent Major some “I believe you aren’t a serial killer” fan mail, well she spent the night for a marathon love making session. They are just getting it on all over the place. They even set up a fort dubbed “Fort Lust” in the living room. Ugh, vomit.
Blaine and Brain Business
Blaine is realizing that running the business that his father cultivated is going to be harder than he thought. Luckily for him, his old friend Mr. Boss has come into town for the expressed reason of killing Blaine. The only reason that this is lucky is that Mr. Boss doesn’t know about Zombies and therefore is not aware of the need for a single bullet to the head. Blaine uses this opportunity to recruit Mr. Stacey Boss as his new business associate.
Ravi and the Zombie Militia
Ravi has been kidnapped by the zombie haters to execute their brilliant plan: Torture a Zombie until it goes into full Raging Zombie Mode while live streaming it on the interweb.The lucky zombie to be tortured is Don E. He is still coming down from ingesting the blue WWII Nazi-fighting brain, and thinks that he is fighting said Nazis.
The anti-zombie militia is waiting to have 100,000 viewers before they start torturing Don E, which gives Ravi a little bit of time to concoct an escape plan. First, Ravi gives Harley’s younger brother some sedatives to knock him out, and later convinces him that he passed out because he was drunk. Next he goes in to talk to Don E, who reveals to Ravi that he has a burner phone hidden between his butt cheeks, and if Ravi wants to find it, he’s gonna have to do some digging. After rummaging around in Don E’s swamp ass, Don E remembers that the phone is actually stashed inside his sock. Oops, sorry Ravi.
Ravi quickly calls Blaine because no one remembers phone numbers anymore and Don E has it programmed into the phone. Blaine then, amazingly recruits Liv to help break out Ravi and Don E. But will they get there in time? Tune in next week to find out!
Spoilers through Wynonna Earp’s first season and vague spoilers surrounding the plot of the first four episodes of the second season.
Remember at the end of Wynonna Earp’s first season when we were all, “THIS FINALE IS BANANAS” and couldn’t stop shrieking at how so many awesome and crazy things kept happening? Season two is like that, except after four episodes, I still can’t catch my breath. Syfy, Emily Andras, and Co. have upped the ante on Wynonna Earp and it’s such a fun ride.
It may have taken Wynonna Earp a few episodes in season one to find its footing but there aren’t any signs of a sophomore slump for the hit sci-fi show. Right from the beginning it picks up where season one left off, with Waverly firing off a gun at Doc Holliday’s head. Naturally, from the trailers we know that she doesn’t kill our favorite mustached friend, but that still doesn’t diminish the new dangers in Purgatory. No one is safe from being killed, maimed, or controlled by demons.
I won’t spoil all the details for you because it’s best if you enjoy the show for yourself, but here are a few highlights to tide you over until the season two premiere on June 9th.
Waverly Isn’t Quite Right
At the end of last season, we watched Waverly touch a pool of black goo left behind by that creepy tentacled demon. As you can guess, Waverly isn’t doing so well with the changes. Deep down she’s still the Wavylays we love and she has a ton of great moments in the season, including a cheerleading routine that honestly I had to pause six or seventeen times for scientific research. And there’s a darkness in Waverly we haven’t seen before. Whether it’s how she truly feels or a consequence of the black goo remains to be seen, but the end result is that Dominique Provost-Chalkey can act her pants off.
New Characters
It’s hard to fill Bobo’s shoes (and coat) when it comes to being a villain, but boy does the Agent Lucado and the Black Badge Division do their damnedest to try. With the BBD and Lucado’s new importance comes a handful of new characters, including Jeremy, a delightful nerd who has a crush on one of our heroes. Lucado is also a delight as the antagonist for Wynonna’s crew. She’s not all bad and she and Waverly have some bonding moments that are quite enjoyable. Because of the introduction of the BBD, the creepy crawly side of Wynonna Earp has also increased. I’m not normally one to shy away from gross sci-fi but be forewarned: some of it is very, very disgusting.
It’s Really, Really Funny
Despite the more serious tone in Wynonna’s second season, the writers have upped the ante in their comedy game. The show never takes itself too seriously and that’s to its benefit because it gets CRAZY. I wanted to quote a few of the moments from the early episodes, but I quickly realized I was writing down funny lines from nearly every scene. Season one of Wynonna Earp had some great moments, mostly from Wynonna and Doc, but this year, everyone gets their zingers in, especially Nicole Haught.
Speaking Of Officer Haught (And WayHaught)
Nicole gets a much more important role in season two. Not only is she dealing with Waverly’s new traits, but she also has to grapple with being a female cop in a small town, on top of all the nonsense with the Black Badge Division. Nicole isn’t the chipper cop from last season and she’s also feeling a bit angry at her current situation, which is even more exacerbated by her tenuous relationship with Wynonna.
(But that’s okay because WayHaught still gets plenty of adorable screen time. In fact, there’s a plethora of gay innuendo throughout the first four episodes and I, for one, was not disappointed in the slightest.)
Wynonna Is Super Protective
Not only does Wynonna blame herself for the shenanigans in the Ghost River Triangle, but now she’s been responsible for the death of Willa, twice, and the loss of Dolls. Because of the metric shit ton of guilt Wynonna has placed on her own shoulders, she becomes incredibly protective of Waverly. She’ll be damned in anything bad happens to her baby sister and unfortunately, that leads to a few tiffs between big sister Wy and girlfriend Nicole, as well as turning a blind eye to Waverly’s new traits. On top of that, Wynonna becomes almost self-destructive in her mission to rescue Dolls from the Black Badge Division. But don’t worry because Wynonna is gonna Wynonna and she hasn’t changed that much from the hero we know and love.
All in all, after four episodes, I can confirm that Wynonna Earp is BACK and it’s an absolute delight for all of the senses. Especially smell.
Wynonna Earp Season 2 premieres Friday June 9, 2017 on Syfy at 10pm EST.
In the summer premiere of Shadowhunters, audiences are introduced to a new villain, Azazel, a greater demon and one of the Princes of Hell.
We first meet him as a dapperly dressed man seemingly in his mid-twenties. He enters a bar called the Heslodge where two Shadowhunters (in the retinue of Inquisitor Imogen Herondale) are seated. He asks them where the Mortal Cup is and they are clearly surprised that someone they don’t know is asking them classified information. But before they can whip out their seraph blades, he immobilizes them with a spell and explains that he knows that they are with the Inquisitor and that they have Valentine Morgenstern (Alan Van Sprang) in their possession. The bearded Shadowhunter says that the Circle leader won’t tell them where the cup is being hidden and Azazel (Brett Donahue) comments with, “pity,” and then chokes them both. When the bartender sees the two dead Shadowhunters she is alarmed and the demon decides to make it a party by killing everyone in the entire restaurant as well.
The next time we see him is when Izzy is trying to score some vampire blood in a dingy alley down in the Financial District. Why he decided to target her specifically is unknown, or could it have been a coincidence that he was just trying to get answers from any Nephilim? Isabelle’s (Emeraude Toubia) demon necklace begins to pulse in alarm but she’s too distracted to notice, only needing to get her fix. Azazel’s power is too great though and the stone breaks. Izzy tries to fight back and three men (or vampires?) try to help her but the demon easily kills them. Out of the blue, Sebastian (Will Tudor) arrives and displays some acrobatic moves. He strikes Azazel with a seraph blade but the creature transfigures himself into a thousand moths and disperses.
Meanwhile, Alec (Matthew Daddario) has gone to Magnus’s (Harry Shum Jr.) loft for help in determining what greater demon killed the Shadowhunters and the mundanes at the bar. He gives the warlock a small bag of black sand, saying that it had been left with its victims. Magnus looks disturbed and says that this is from a demon dimension called Duduael. Supposedly, the greater demon Azazel had been shackled there for centuries. He had been the creature that gave man the weapons of war and was a Prince of Hell.
While out looking for Isabelle, Magnus and Alec find the dead bodies of Azazel’s recent kills and worry that she is with the demon after they find her broken necklace. Back at the Institute, Alec tells Clary (Katherine McNamara) and Jace (Dominic Sherwood) what’s been happening and the two former siblings talk to Valentine thinking that he must know what’s going on. They confront him and Clary exclaims that someone must have broken Azazel out. Jace says that it must have been Circle members who did it in order to break Valentine out of the Institute. However, Val does bring up a good point that if a great demon wanted to free him why would he still be inside here with them. Clary demands then that if her father wants to destroy demon presence in the world then he should tell him followers to give them the cup so that they can use it as bait to get Izzy back. Valentine though claims that he doesn’t know where the cup is and that if they were smart they would use him as bait instead. Clary convinces Jace that they don’t have a choice and that they need to rescue Izzy.
With Magnus’s help, Azazel is summoned via a pentagram and is questioned on Isabelle’s whereabouts in exchange for Valentine and the Mortal Cup. He claims that he doesn’t know where she is and then is able to break the binding spell. Clary’s sunlight rune was supposed to banish him but it doesn’t seem to work and Azazel renders them useless. He then switches the minds of Magnus and Valentine. Somehow though Jace is able to withstand the demon’s magic and tries to attack him, but he gets away once again. We finally see Jace’s golden eyes on screen!
So while we still don’t know who released the greater demon from his shackles, we do know that he wants the Mortal Cup to destroy it since whoever wields it can have power over his kind. He seems to have played a prank on Valentine by switching his mind into Magnus’s body, but that doesn’t mean that he somehow doesn’t some kind of arrangement with the man. Azazel is very much a wild card at the moment and his sudden appearance along with Sebastian’s can’t be a coincidence. But what do we know about him and greater demons in general?
SPOILERS FROM TMI AHEAD. STOP NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOKS.
In the City of Lost Souls, the fifth book in The Mortal Instruments series, Azazel was summoned by Magnus to gain knowledge on a weapon that could break the demonic parabatai bond between Jace and Sebastian. The demon told them that there would be no way wherein they could hurt one and not the other but he had an idea. However, before revealing this he would need a happy memory from each of them. Once he had his bounty, Azazel said that he would need to be released into the world where he would then take Jace to hell and keep him alive there long enough until the bond would break. The catch is that the demon would have to remain free. Disturbed, Magnus said they’d consider his offer and then banished the creature. Except that he wasn’t completely banished from the warlock’s apartment because of his sheer demonic strength, his presence was still connected to the pentagram. At one point Magnus’s cat strayed too close to the marking with Simon swooping in to grab the animal, only to then be in the clutches of the demon. But because he bore the Mark of Cain at the time, Azazel’s attack rebounded. He then left of his own choice after seeing the mark on Simon and claiming that he his freedom was not worth tangling himself with them.
Azazel had once been an angel himself who had fallen with Lucifer from Heaven. Each Prince of Hell had his own dimension and he was bound to Duduael. They also had intelligence, the ability to converse, personalities, and of course names. No Shadowhunter weapon could truly vanquish one of them, only scatter their essence into the Void where it would eventually reform, albeit slowly and weakened.
Other greater demons include Lucifer, Lilith, Asmodeus, Abbadon, and Sammael.
His introduction as a new villain on Shadowhunters is interesting as now Valentine is roaming the streets of New York in a warlock’s body because of him. He certainly is going to cause all kinds of trouble for the Nephilim but does he really just want the cup to destroy it? Or does is there some other hidden agenda? His arrival though definitely expands the universe a little bit more and it’s going to be great fun to see how this plays out.
At the Out of the Shadows panel this weekend at Book Con 2017, author Cassandra Clare provided fans with some exclusive news that Ty Blackthorn and Kit Herondale would be the main characters in The Wicked Powers series.
TWP will be set after the events of The Dark Artifices and will be released sometime after 2021 according to Clare’s current book schedule. Book 2 of TDA, Lord of Shadows, just came out on May 23, which follows the adventures of parabatai Shadowhunters Emma Carstairs and Julian Blackthorn as well as the rest of the Blackthorn family as they navigate an increasingly dangerous world full of internal and external threats. Without getting too spoiler-y, Ty and Kit have already gone through a lot in LoS and one can only imagine what other challenges they will face before the end of this series.
At the panel, Clare also said that Simon and Isabelle will be making an appearance in Queen of Air and Darkness (book 3 in the TDA trilogy). Last we heard of them in Lady Midnight they were engaged as Robert, Clary, Jace, and Magnus had just arrived at the Los Angeles Institute from their engagement party.
Hilariously as well, we find out that Kit isn’t quite afraid of ducks the way other Herondale men are (Will and Jace) but he may have a distaste for swans!
Clare also talked about how she wanted LoS to be a pivot book for the whole Shadowhunters world and that it would take them to a much darker world. “We’ve always known that with the decision the Clave made at the end of City of Heavenly Fire, they made this bad kind of decision to punish this entire group of people, fairies, for something some of them have done and that decision had these very bad repercussions and it was selfish basically. When you have a selfish and a bad government you’re leading your story down a darker tale in which your heroes aren’t finding an external evil as so much as they are fighting an internal evil, their own people and government,” said Clare.
Shadowhunters, the Freeform show based on the author’s The Mortal Instruments series, returns for tonight for part 2 of their second season.
For more on the panel, watch these great videos below:
For many women, Wonder Woman is an empowering symbol of freedom and hope. Growing up, little boys had their pick of superheroes–Batman, Superman, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Captain America, the list goes on–but Wonder Woman was it for us. Because of the scarcity of female superheroes, Wonder Woman had to do it all. She bore the brunt of carrying an entire gender for much of her history and because of that weight, much of her involvement in comic book lore is lacking in depth. Thankfully, her inclusion in the Justice League animated series, as well as the Justice League animated films, and a new origin story in New 52, Wonder Woman has made huge strides in becoming the hero all women can look up to.
Having now seen the live-action version of Diana’s tale, I can unequivocally state that Wonder Woman is the best entry in the DCEU. Since that’s not the highest bar these days, what with the boring Man of Steel, the bloated Batman v. Superman, and the messy Suicide Squad, Wonder Woman might be the best superhero movie since The Dark Knight, and it’s certainly my favorite entry because, well, I was that little girl who daydreamed endlessly about fighting bad guys with a sword and shield.
Wonder Woman, starring Gal Gadot as the titular hero and directed by Patty Jenkins, is yet another superhero origin story, chronicling her life from Amazonian child on the island of Themyscira to the birth of the hero Wonder Woman. There isn’t anything altogether new about Wonder Woman’s origin. If you’ve read her comics, you know all the beats of the film, the turns it takes, but the predictability doesn’t matter because the execution is flawless. Music swells at the right moments, characters are given their quiet moments and chances to develop, and the fight sequences, though maybe a bit too much at times,are still top-notch entertainment.
Setting Wonder Woman in World War I was a brilliant move, a stark contrast to the bright, “love is everything” Diana. It’s more than culture shock for Diana, it’s a shock to her core. She grapples with the darkness and wonders aloud if men are deserving of being saved, but her belief in humanity continuously moves her forward. While most of the fight sequences in the film are excellently choreographed, Diana’s “No Man’s Land” coming-of-age fight is one of the best “I’m a hero” moments in cinema.
Wonder Woman brings much-needed levity to an overly dark DCEU. The humor never overpowers the heart of the film and it certainly doesn’t intrude on the action the way it does in the MCU, but it’s enough to temper the bleak setting. In fact, I’d argue that Wonder Woman is a near perfect superhero movie, at least until its third act when the trademark DC final fight sequence rears its ugly head and takes far too long to come to an adequate resolution. However, it’s a necessary evil where Diana is concerned and even though the movie, at times, borders on too much “kumbaya” and “love always wins”, it fits the character we’ve fallen for over the course of two hours.
For Diana, much of her life is very much about being an outsider and it’s that trait that I think will resonate most will female viewers. Despite growing up on an island comprised entirely of women, Diana is their first child since Zeus created the island. Born from clay shaped by Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, Diana is meant to lead a sheltered life, for she is precious and important to their people. The Amazons are a warrior people, but it’s up to Diana’s aunt, Antiope, to train her when the Queen forbids it. Diana is a woman who breaks the mold even in a world where women rule. She doesn’t fall into line for the sake of her gender but acts on her beliefs, and it’s that morality that propels her forward throughout the entire film.
Wonder Woman never tries to hide that Diana Prince (and Gal Gadot) is a stunning woman and for that, I’m grateful. In fact, the film downright owns it. Gal Gadot was born to wear that suit and director Patty Jenkins knows it. Diana doesn’t start her journey as a disheveled She’s All That “mess” and then blossom into beauty because she met a man. She, and her fellow Amazons, were always beautiful, stunning in every single way, and they didn’t need men to validate it for them.
Of course, no superhero ever saves the day alone, so we have to discuss Wonder Woman’s cast of characters: the Amazons are an empowering example of female strength and independence, Trevor’s ragtag crew brings a necessary amount of light-heartedness to the bleak World War I backdrop, and Steve Trevor, with all his heart and humor, is the perfect match for the strong-willed Diana. Chris Pine puts all his marbles on the table, proving once and for all, that he is the best Hollywood Chris. Pine’s chemistry with Gadot is electric and his vulnerability around Diana is downright charming.
If there’s one true complaint about the film, it’s that the villains weren’t all that exciting. The Germans came across as almost too maniacal, too much of the caricature we’ve already seen a thousand times. Dr. Maru (Elena Anaya) is criminally underutilized in favor of the typical villain, General Ludendorff.
Wonder Woman may have its flaws and predictability, but for me and that little girl who leapt from swing sets, punching imaginary bad guys and saving the day, it is the perfect film. It’s sure to make viewers want to go out and buy a pair of gauntlets and a lasso, just in case
Season 3 Episode 9: “Twenty-sided, Die”
Original Air Date: May 30, 2017
This week on iZombie: Liv is a Dungeon Master, the anti-Zombie militia is in full swing and an old enemy returns.
“Twenty-sided, Die” was the best episode of iZombie this season by far. Liv’s Brain was integrated into the other storylines of the episode and the episode did an excellent job of starting to connect the lines between all of the small mysteries that have emerged throughout the season.
Brain of the Week
Victim: Dungeon Master Dan.
Cause of Death: Poisoned mead during his weekly D&D game with Jimmy the Sketch Bitch and Vampire Steve.
After last week’s lackluster Brain Dish, Liv stepped it up big time with Dan’s brain. It’s time for Brain Pot Pie Y’all!
This hearty meal is exactly what Liv needs to fuel her next Dungeon and Dragons campaign. It should be noted that everything I know about D&D comes straight from Stranger Things and that one episode of Community(Community how I miss tee). As expected, everyone on Team Z (besides Liv) is less than thrilled at the prospect of playing D&D all night. Except for Ravi, who is trying to pretend that playing D&D with Team Z is not what his dreams are made of.
Within seconds of starting the quest, Peyton’s character dies. However, against every single one of her wishes, Ravi revives her and saves her life, forcing Peyton to stay in the game. A couple of hours in (or at least a pint of beer in) every single person is fully enthralled in the game. Except for Peyton who still could not care any less if she tried. Clive is the most invested in the game, though. ALL HE WANTS TO KNOW IS WHERE THE LITCH IS. When he finds it, he cuts the Litch’s head off, and Clive is the proudest papa you have ever seen.
Towards the end of the game, Liv has a vision where she sees Dan’s secret hidden computer room where he hacks the Russian government. Now that Russian Hackers are involved, the case is put in the very trusting hands of the FBI, because why not add another Russian Hacking case to their huge pile? Clive is surprised to find out that his ex, Dale Bozzio is the lead detective. (Just a quick refresher, Clive and Bozzio worked on the Chaos Killer case last year and also dated. When Clive learned the truth about zombies and realized that Major was innocent, he went behind Bozzio’s back and got Major released resulting in Bozzio breaking off both their romantic and professional relationships.)
So, when Clive discovers that Dale’s in the area he runs out to catch her and hopefully talk. When he finally reaches her, he pours his heart out to her
Clive: “I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m absolutely lost without you.”
Bozzio, still feeling betrayed by Clive’s action, does not reciprocate these feelings. This is by far the most emotional and vulnerable version of Clive that we have seen on iZombie. Malcolm Goodwin killed it this episode and I think it was the best representation of how nuanced and well-rounded Clive really is. He starts off as a curmudgeon partner actively resisting D&D, and then he becomes an obsessed fanboy. We learn that he loves The Flash. And also, we see his softer side, a side where he is will to admit that he needs someone.
Blaine:
As much as I hate and despise Blaine for hurting and using Peyton, I can’t help myself from loving him being back! He is just so. Fucking. Amazing.
He has just finished marinating his first brain in Ravi’s magic memory solution. Blaine chose to soak the brain in the blue juice twice as long as Ravi to create a better Brain experience for his customers. Before he releases his product though, he needs to do some market research. Don E thinks that participating in a blue brain taste test is beneath him, but thankfully Tanner is there to offer his Zombie ingesting services. So Blaine gives Tanner a slice of Jacked Up WWII Nazi Killing Soldier Brain and asks him to take notes on his experience.
After hearing about the awesome and gnarly time that Tanner had on the Blue Brains, Don E wants to try the shit out for himself. So, he uses his handy melon scoop and pops that bad boy in his mouth.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the exact reason that companies should test their products before selling it to the public. Apparently, a melon scoop of Blue Brain is WAY too much for Don E to handle and he thinks that he is flying a fighter jet and fighting Nazis in the Scratching Post. Eventually, Don E fully bugs out and just runs out of the club like a crazy person.
Blaine is not at the Scratching Post to witness Don E’s meltdown. Instead, he is having a nice little picnic with his father, who is still at the bottom of a well.
The Mayoral Race
Even though Vivian Stoll is gone (RIP Viv), FG has to make sure they keep their focus on preparing for D-Day. This includes trying to get their Zombie Mayoral Candidate Floyd Baracus elected. The only hitch is that he is a shitty candidate and behind in the polls. To help remedy this, they throw a hoity-toity gala to garner some additional support. Two major events happened during this fundraiser.
First, Peyton confronts Baracus about her suspicions with the Dominatrix case. Every new fact she learns about Weckler makes her more and more confident that Weckler was not the killer. When she brings this information to Baracus, he tells Peyton that there is no need to do extra work if the perp already confessed. Peyton, upset at her boss’s ambivalence to the case, goes to her bestie Liv for some moral support. Not only does Liv give Peyton moral support, but she also informs Peyton that Baracus was a former client of the deceased dominatrix.
The second and more important event was Chase and Liv meeting in person. These two were exuding so much chemistry that I physically felt it from my couch. It was electric, Boogie Woogie. The pair talk shop and discuss the impending D-Day. Chase comes off as a hard-ass, leading Liv to be a bit combative at first, but by the end of the conversation Chase smiles at her and compliments her dress. This entire interaction left me thinking to myself “Justin who?” shortly followed by “So are we gonna call them Chiv or Lase?”
Oh yeah, also a random guy came and shot Baracus during the event, but who cares about that when we can care about Chase and Liv.
Ravi and the anti-Zombie Militia:
Ravi attends Harley John’s anti-zombie militia meeting where Harley reveals his plan to kidnap zombies and torture them on video for the whole world to see. Ravi, worried about the outcome of said attack on zombies, decides to insert himself into the conversation. He stands up and determines that his best cover is one close to the truth. He tells the group that he was fired from the CDC because of his belief in zombies and then convinces them that kidnapping a zombie could very well start the apocalypse they fear with just one accidental scratch. They should wait to until he completes his totally fake anti-Zombie Vaccine before executing the plan. I’m impressed with Ravi’s ability to think on his feet. Bravo Ravi, you are finally beginning to redeem yourself this season (kind of). Ravi’s plan did not take Don E bugging out on Blue WWII Vet brains into account though. Apparently, a crazy Zombie running around Seattle was too much of a temptation for Harley and his brother to resist, and they bring a Don E’s captured zombie-ed out ass to Ravi at the Medical Examiner office.
Other Things:
Mr. Boss returns to Seattle.
Major decides to invite a woman who wrote him Chaos Killer fan mail TO HIS HOUSE!
Liv’s voice and impression playing the old woman during D&D is one of my favorite things Liv has done in the entire season.
Jimmy The Sketch Bitch drew this fanart of Liv.
Did we know Baracus was Peyton’s boss? Was he always or did I miss something?
Season 3 Episode 8: “Eat a Knievel”
Original Air Date: May 23, 2017
This week on iZombie, the Old Blaine is officially back, a helicopter explodes, and there is a new leader at Fillmore Graves
“Eat a Knievel” is probably the most substantive and cohesive episode of the season. Several story arcs were explored and plot lines advanced in a way the felt organic. Except, of course, for the Brain of The Week, which always seems to be in a world of its own.
Crime of the Week:
Victim: Douchebag professional prankster Finn Vinicible (aka Bobby from Cousin Skeeter). Cause of Death: Burned alive while jumping through a ring of fire after someone switches his flame resistant Hay Suit with a very much flammable Hay Suit.
First off, the Brain Food this week was lacking inspiration. All Liv did was plop a slab of brain on a frying pan and pour spicy spices on top of it.
Since, yet again, the crime has little impact on the rest of the episode I will quickly sum it up. A while ago, Finn’s friend Rudy walked in on Finn in bed with Rudy’s girlfriend, Stasha. Finn and Stasha play it off as though it was all just a prank, and all is forgiven. Nine months later, Rudy sees the uncanny resemblance his newborn baby has to Finn, realizing that Finn did, in fact, bang his girlfriend. Hence, the murder of Finn.
Justin and Liv
Liv decides to use Finn’s adrenaline junky brain to her advantage in planning an action-packed first date with Justin. In order for this to work, Justin needs to eat some Finn brain as well. Liv has been in too many situations where her brain and her boyfriend’s brain are incompatible. Like when Lowell was on gay guy brain. (Damn you Blaine for killing Lowell!.) Liv gets Justin to steal some Super Max and then the pair head to the park where they throw rocket thingies in the air, wait for those rocket thingies to stab them, and then make out. It was pretty adorable.
Fillmore Graves
Justin, Clive, Liv, and Major are summoned to FG to discuss Harley John’s video of Justin Zombie-ing that is now circulating on the interweb. Luckily, most people think that the footage is fake. The real question that Vivian and her two minions have is how Major and Justin let themselves be exposed.
It is obvious that Vivian is suspicious of Major so it was no surprise when she asked him to hang behind for a little chat. Major does nothing to help himself when talking to Viv as he nervously answers each of Vivian’s questions. Vivian gets up to thank Major for his service by shaking his hand:
Vivian: “I hope this isn’t too personal… but is that a human pulse I’m feeling or are you just happy to see me?”
Oh man, I love Vivian so much, which makes what happens next so much worse. Viv jumps on a helicopter headed for Zombie Island and within minutes of going up, it explodes.
Vivian Stoll was just killed. WHY iZOMBIE? WHY???? This is incredibly upsetting. First of all, I loved Vivian. I kept waiting for her to get more screentime. She was funny, sarcastic and sweet. She was getting along with everyone, and I thought she could serve as a mentor to Liv. Instead, they kill her. I almost don’t even see the point of her as a character. I’m guessing that iZombie wanted to introduce Fillmore Graves as a caring and nice place and then have her brother-in-law, Chase Graves (played by Jason Dohring) come and make it a more military place. But still, I feel like they just wasted all the potential that Vivian Stoll had. So, R.I.P Viv, I miss you already.
Speaking of Chase Graves, he is now in charge of FG and is very rigid and strict. When he finds out Justin stole that Super Max for his date with Liv, Chase shoots Justin in the chest. Justin doesn’t die because he is a zombie, but still, that must hurt.
Blaine
Last we saw Blaine, he was had taken a bullet to the abdomen and was begging for his life. Apparently, a shot to the gut was what Blaine needed to push him out of his self-pitying funk and jolt him into Evil Businessman Mode. First things first, he needs to make sure he doesn’t die from his bullet wound and find out the headquarters of his Pops brain empire. He is able to achieve this fairly quickly by finding a local zombie to scratch him and give him the address for The Scratching Post.
The second part of his plan is to take down his father. Blaine achieves this by looking to the Greeks for inspiration. Blaine delivers himself to his father in a crate filled with cement under the guise of it being a shipment of brains. And, as soon as Papa DeBeers opens the crate, Blaine jumps out and defeats the Trojans.
Well, kind of. Killing his father right there and then would be much too boring for Blaine. Instead, Blaine sets his father’s feet in cement and drops him down a well. Now with his father out of the way, Blaine takes over his father’s role at the Scratching Post and now he is the top dog in the Brain Business.
I have mixed feeling regarding the return of old Blaine. If the writers committed to Blaine indeed suffered from amnesia, having Blaine part of Team Z would have created an interesting new dynamic within the group. I have stated before that I liked the new and improve Blaine when we thought he was actually new and improved. But, that is not the direction that the show went. Instead, they had Blaine hurt and use Peyton for the second time. On the other hand, evil Blaine is so much fun. He is smart and funny and just badass and a blast to watch.
Other Things
Ravi and Liv try to go undercover to the Harley John’s anti-zombie meeting. Even though Liv is wearing a wig, Harley still recognizes her. Or at least has a feeling that he knows her from somewhere. To make things worse, the zombie-haters were taking everyone’s blood pressure to zombie test them before entering the meeting. So Liv comes up with an excuse and scurries her butt out of there. (I thought you could tell if someone was a zombie by taking their pulse, so why are they taking people’s blood pressure? Those are two separate things.)
Can we for a second discuss Blaine becoming a zombie again? How does that even work? He took the cure so wouldn’t he be immune or something? This is all so confusing!
Did anyone else find strange that Justin doesn’t even ASK what brains he is about to eat? What if Liv was about to feed him serial killer brains?!?!
What were those rocket thingies that Liv and Justin were throwing into the air?
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 7
“The Land That Time Forgot”
Available on Netflix
GRADE: B+
Famed character actor stars in “The Land That Time Forgot”, a not-too-terrible adventure flick where Germans, Britains and Americans work together when they somehow find themselves on an island full of prehistoric beasts and primitive cavemen. No, it’s not a metaphor for Trump’s America, it’s an actual prehistoric island. So, the three countries do what white countries do best, kill everything they see and use one of the cavemen as slave labor to steal, er “LIBERATE” the oil supplies. Also, Doug McClure is in this which, depending on your age, means you’re like, “Hey, that Western actor” or “That’s that one dude from ‘Out of This World’, right?” Either way, the audience loses.
“The Land That Time Forgot” is actually a pretty decent. I saw it one late Friday night when my Mom wasn’t home and there was nothing else on TV that was worth watching. All these years later, yeah, it’s pretty dated and silly but there was conviction in the cheese that was this film. The reason Jonah and the Bots’s jokes work on something this silly but are agonizingly and frustratingly wasted on films like “Starcrash” at times is because this movie took itself so seriously. And why shouldn’t it? The effects, even now, are pretty good. Take a look at the featured image up there. That’s quality stuff. In any case, Jonah and the Bots due a great job here. They don’t overplay their hand, they simply go with the flow and get their hits in and, over the course of the entire episode, the riffs are totally solid. The butt of their noise is, of course, the late Doug McClure who plays the square-jawed hero in this thing. The problem is that McClure is actually a decent leading man so they end up defaulting, mostly, to the German and British cast antics which means you’re bound to get a “Sound of Music” riff and several jokes about submarines (brilliant are the bits about finding Spongebob and the Yellow Submarine parody) which are funny even as predictable as they may be.
The sketches range from solid to “oh, ok”. The show’s cold open involves Gypsy’s birthday with Jonah being sucked up to reenact the show’s opening (again) but, this time, that’s actually worked into the sketch which is a step into the right direction. The Invention Exchange is pretty good stuff: Jonah invents a “Living” home magazine written by M. Night Shyamalan. Every single article in the magazine contains a “twist” of some sort. It gives us a great line from Max: “The ’15-minute Salmon’ only took 10 minutes! I gotta re-read the recipe, see if I spot all the clues!” This leads to the Mads’ invention: The Elder Pump…which…does…they have no idea what it does? Why? Because they invented a thing named after what Crow said last week in a riff, causing Crow to lose his cool: “HEY! THAT’S MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY YOU THEFTED!” This is good stuff
The rest of the sketches, however, are a mixed bag: 1) Jonah and Crow are German U-Boat sailors while Servo is the know-it-all Doug McClure. An octopus attacks the SOL in space and then apologizes. Cute. 2) Max and Kinga try to sell Jonah and the Bots on their new business: their dinosaur ranch where they raise and (by their own admission) cruelly kill dinosaurs for food — but that’s okay! Dinosaurs came BEFORE the whole animal meat regulation thing! Plus, it doesn’t matter because they have a company jingle that makes it all okay! This was the best sketch of the night. 3) Crow thinks he’s going to evolve into a human. Jonah has to talk to him about these things. Once again, cute but not great. And then we close out with Jonah sending a help note in a bottle into space — where Max excitedly picks it up. The whole thing is worth it for Kinga angrily tearing the note up several times, aiming each and every rip toward Jonah and Max as if to get a point across.
We’re officially halfway through the new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and, so far, I like what I’m seeing. “The Land That Time Forgot” is a solid episode with some great riffs even if it does have spotty sketches. It all evens out. The even better thing is that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is coasting along with no real bumps. Yes, there are some rough spots that need to be worked out but this show feels like home again and I have a feeling that it’s only going to get stronger as it goes along.
And, now…this week’s gems:
(LISA and BOWEN float on the ocean in a lifeboat.)
LISA: The ship?
BOWEN: We were torpedoed. Looks like we’re the only survivors.
SERVO (as BOWEN): “We’d better get to repopulating this boat!” LISA: Will they find us? CROW (as BOWEN): “Yeah! They’ll find a fat ME and a skeleton YOU!”
(A passing boat with a crew tries to find Bowen’s boat. The fog is thick around them.)
BOWEN: AHOY!
MAN: AHOY! Where are you?
BOWEN: OVER HERE! AHOY! OVER HERE! JONAH (as the MAN): “In fog, ‘OVER HERE’ is not really a useful direction!”
(BOWEN outlines a plan to hijack a German U-boat as it surfaces and convinces BRADLEY to help.)
BRADLEY: Right…let’s try it! (to the rowing crew) Pull away! JONAH AND THE BOTS (as the rowing crew): “Row, row, row your boat, gently to our deaths!”
(BOWEN and BRADLEY’S men successfully board the U-boat.)
DIETZ: Well, Commander…now that you have us, what do you propose to do with us?
BOWEN: I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do with you, Captain: put you in the nearest British port. JONAH (as BOWEN): “Then? Disneyland.”
(A German sailor destroys the submarine’s radio by setting it on fire. BOWEN inspects the damage.) SERVO: Another bang-up job from Comcast Customer Service!
(The German U-Boat sails above water.) JONAH (as BOWEN): “Day 43: We still don’t know how to go underwater…”
(BOWEN and BRADLEY inspect nautical maps.)
BOWEN: My guess…is right here.
BRADLEY: But that’s South America. JONAH (as BRADLEY): “That’s the opposite America of what we wanted.”
(The sailors tell a tale about how another sailor couldn’t find port on an ancient island.)
BOWEN: Well, we’ll have to do what he couldn’t do…find a place to land. If we don’t… SERVO (as BOWEN): “…we start a new species of fish-McClures.” BOWEN: …we’ll die. JONAH: Which option will end the movie SOONER?!
(BOWEN attempts to captain the sub through an underwater cave.)
SAILOR: We have full maximum power now, sir!
BOWEN: Step up the mains! It’ll give us three more knots!
SAILOR: Herr Kapitan!
BOWEN: STEP UP THE MAINS! IT’LL GIVE US THREE MORE KNOTS!!! JONAH (as a sailor): “Oh, let the baby have his three more knots!” BORG: Step up the mains for full maximum power! SERVO (to The Beatles “Yellow Submarine”): “We all die in a Yellow Submarine!”
JONAH: This is my fourth-favorite submarine movie.
SERVO: Really?!
JONAH: Well, I only know of three others, so it’s also my least-favorite submarine movie.
(BOWEN continues to guide the crew through the cave.)
BOWEN: Two degrees starboard…
SAILOR: Two degrees starboard. CROW (as BOWEN): “I’ve got a visual on something living in a pineapple under the sea.”
SERVO (as BORG): “Take the shot!”
(Cheerful music plays and light is seen in the water.)
BOWEN: I think we’re through! CROW: For one thing, the music on this side of the tunnel is so much more cheerful!
SERVO: Yeah, I feel like I’m about to see Flipper!
(The sub rises above water. BOWEN checks out the land above.)
BOWEN: What a sight…
(A dinosaur suddenly lunges at the periscope, covering it. BOWEN cringes away, frightened.) SERVO: He’s still having flashbacks from Dinosaur ‘Nam.
(A dinosaur attacks the sub when the sailors go outside to check things out. BOWEN fights back, shooting at the creature.) SERVO: So, that creature’s probably endangered, right?
CROW: Oh, sure. Last of its kind. A priceless treasure. His sweat cures cancer, blah, blah, blah, KILL IT! KILL IT!!!
(A dinosaur attacks the sailors in the woods. They all fire their rifles at it, to no avail. Another sailor draws a handgun and fires it.) CROW: Oh, good! A smaller gun! And, if that doesn’t work, you can throw your shoes at him!
(Ahm, the captured caveman, explores the submarine, curious about all the gadgets it has.)
LISA: What an amazing experience it must be for him!
BRADLEY: No more amazing than finding ourselves here, Miss Clayton.
BORG: His companions were a great puzzle. Some were almost like apes. Others, closer to, uh… CROW (as BORG): “…Kid Rock fans.”
(The Americans, British and Germans all help build a temporary base on the island and begin harvesting the oil.) JONAH: Okay…White Guy Checklist. “Kill all the animals?” SERVO: Check!
JONAH: “Take the natural resources?”
SERVO: Check!
JONAH: Okay, “Use locals as slave labor?”
SERVO: Check!
JONAH: “Build a church?”
SERVO: Check!
JONAH: All right!
(BOWEN says good-bye to the Germans and goes hunting.)
BOWEN: Auf Wiedersehen.
DIETZ and BORG: Auf Wiedersehen. SERVO (as BOWEN, singing “So Long, Farewell”): “I’d like…to stay…and taste my first champagne…”
CROW (as BOWEN, singing “So Long, Farewell”): “But first…I’ll shoot…some dinos in the brain! Doot, dah-doo-loot-doo-doo…”
(Cavemen attack the hunting party, breaking it up. A caveman grabs Lisa in the confusion. Bowen goes after him.) SERVO (singing to “Shaft”): “Who’s the doughy man who won’t cop out when there’s cavemen all about?”
CROW & JONAH (singing): “McClure!”
SERVO (singing): Oh, yeah, McClure’s as tough as a three-day-old Wendy’s burger — which he would eat.”
CROW & JONAH (singing): Doug McClure!”
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 6
“Starcrash” Available on Netflix GRADE: B+
“Starcrash” is the only film I’ve seen which has David Hasselhoff and Christopher Plummer in its cast and doesn’t involve natural disasters while Hasselhoff runs through a burning building in bell bottoms while attempting to rescue his boss (presumably played by Plummer) and his estranged wife whom he gets to paw (acceptable 70’s pawing when it was practically the law…presumably played by Mackenzie Phillips) after some heavy disco dancing and implied (ok, PROBABLE) 70’s swinging. Also, this is supposed to be a Star Wars copy. Really. It even has lightsabers and a guy named “Zarth”. All we’re missing is an epilogue explaining the results of the lawsuit involving intellectual property theft.
“Starcrash”, the sixth episode of the latest season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, starts out a bit flat. The film, much like this show, is a huge cult classic so Jonah and the Bots have the unenviable task of rising above the intentionally tongue-in-cheek attitude of the film and delivering some good one-liners. The last really good “space saga” episode was, of course, season 8’s “Space Mutiny”. Thankfully, the guys don’t attempt to recall that episode because, really, a) nobody should do the same trick twice and b) nobody wants to watch a re-hash of an older episode. For about the first half, the jokes are a mix, with the majority of them lampooning Stella’s baffling exploitative lack of clothing (let’s be real: even evil overlords would make sure she’s wearing something more than a bikini inside a MINING COLONY for crying outloud) and Elle, the robot with a puzzling southern drawl. The jokes don’t start hitting until the last half of the film when things really start to “happen” (I say that loosely because the plot is so incoherent; things just happen and nobody knows why). The greatest moments are when Akton takes on Thor in a fist-fight and the ending space launch when about 100 ships take off and Jonah and the Bots name them all after “Starcrash playsets”. Good stuff.
The show’s sketches are pretty good. After another suspect start where Jonah and the Bots play “Spin the Bottle” (PLEASE. GET RID. OF. THE COLD. OPENING.), The Invention Exchange also falls kinda flat with the Mads inventing a “Condiment Poncho” to go with a “Salsa Sombrero”. It’s salvaged by Servo as “BB-8”, which will be used to turn any movie into a blockbuster film. This culminates in the Servo being forced to dump the gimmick at the behest of “Disney, who said they’d crack his dome” if he ever pulled that again.
The middle three sketches are solid: 1) Crow writes “World War Space” where there’s “lots of complex world-building” and “PEW! PEW! PEW! SO much PEW! PEW! PEW!” 2) Akton (Jonah) visits the SOL and he’s better than the Bots who idolize him. Servo sees him as a father figure and wants him to show the Bots his arbitrary, plot-convenient powers. Akton can’t do it because he really has NO idea what they are how they work. 3) “Freak Masterstroke” (Jerry Seinfeld) visits Moon 13 and he’s got some great business ideas about how the Mads can be more successful with their dirty work. It doesn’t include holding the planet hostage with a death ray. MASTERSTROKE: “Are we REALLY still doing that?” It’s capped off with all hell breaking loose on the SOL with Jonah playing Zarth who laughs maniacally while the Bots score one-liners left as torpedoes are fired and stars are “crashed”…and Max and Kinga slack-jawed, wondering if their playtime counts as “being driven mad”. Very funny stuff.
While “Starcrash” isn’t a masterpiece of an episode by any means, it’s still a fun MST3K to sit through. There are several great lines which reference everything from Alien to Planet of the Apes to a REALLY great The Force Awakens joke involving C3-PO’s red arm and the sketches are really solid with an amusing cameo from Jerry Seinfeld (an old friend of Joel Hodgson, the show’s creator) and a couple of moments lifted straight from the film. Mystery Science Theater 3000 continues to steam onward and I look forward to the next episode.
And, of course, here this episode’s gems:
(Spaceship roars over the foreground of the shot.) JONAH: In space, nobody can hear you scream BECAUSE IT’S SO LOUD!!!
(Close-up shot of Akton who has a blond Afro style haircut.) JONAH (singing to “The Greatest American Hero” theme song): “Believe it or not, I’m not William Katt!”
(STELLA is wearing a bikini in the mining colony.) SERVO (as a prisoner looking at Stella): “Um…did you NOT hear we’re MINING today?”
GUARD: Planning an escape? This is what you’re gonna get, lady!
(The Guard strikes STELLA with a baton.) CROW (as the guard): “A beating with a Fruit Roll-Up!”
(STELLA STAR runs through a field in the DAY after her NIGHT escape.) JONAH: So, the building exploded so hard that it’s DAYTIME now?!
(We get a shot of the ship moving into the space horizon, away from the camera.) JONAH (as a narrator): “Join Akton, Stella, Thor and Elle on next week’s rousing space saga, ‘NOTHING EVER HAPPENS’!”
(STELLA gets up to walk to the control room on the ship, somehow wearing less clothing that she was a few seconds ago.) CROW: Did she lose some more clothes when they jumped to hyperspace?
(STELLA and ELLE land their shuttle on a beach.) ELLE (motions toward two rocket booster shells, half-buried in sand): Look at that! CROW (imitating Charlton Heston in PLANET OF THE APES): “DAMN YOU! YOU BLEW IT UP! I don’t even know what it is, BUT YOU BLEW IT UP!!!”
(STELLA and ELLE wander the beach and STELLA points at something off-screen.) STELLA: What’s that? ELLE: I don’t know… JONAH: Why did she even bring the robot? He’s useless! (laughs to himself)
(Amazon women slowly ride up to STELLA and ELLE on horseback.) CROW: That’s the thing about this movie: it’s not afraid to take its time to aggravate you.
(The Amazon women’s horses are wearing pink plastic armor of some sort.) JONAH: Should we be alarmed that the horses are wearing CROCS on their heads?
(ELLE shoots and disintegrates two Amazonian women.)
ELLE (adjusting the gun): Full power! JONAH: Wait, so vaporizing people WASN’T “full power”?!
(STELLA motions to a planet the crew is reviewing.)
STELLA: What’s it like?
AKTON: Red fog. High winds. Low gravity. CROW (as STELLA): “Oh, it’s like Delaware.”
(THOR punches AKTON and the two begin to brawl.) JONAH & THE BOTS: THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! (AKTON kicks THOR.) TOM: Space kick! (AKTON chops THOR across the back.) CROW: Space chop! (AKTON lunges at THOR.) JONAH: Space Finishing Move! (THOR counters Akton’s move and kicks him away. He gets to his feet.) SERVO: C’mon, Thor! You’re gonna let “Mr. Space Perm” take you down? (THOR tackles AKTON to the ground.) CROW: OOH! Right in the “Shatner”!
(About 30 ships take off in a sequence that takes about two to three minutes.) CROW: “How many spaceships do we own?! I don’t remember signing all these purchase orders!”
(Dead bodies are everywhere as Zarth walks around all of them.) JONAH: Space Mountain with the lights on. They never show you how many people get killed on that ride. I took a secret Disney tour!
(ELLE is back after being destroyed earlier in the film.)
STELLA (approaches him): This is incredible. They rebuilt you but, how? You look marvelous!
ELLE: Very carefully, and they used the latest components! CROW (as ELLE): “Perhaps you don’t recognize me with my RED ARM!”
Earlier today HBO renewed comedy series Silicon Valley for its sixth season, but another announcement has come out dampening the excitement for the returning series. T.J. Miller, aka Erlich Bachman, aka the founder of Aviato, aka one-half of Bachmanity, will not be returning to the series next year.
“The producers of Silicon Valley and T.J. Miller have mutually agreed that T.J. will not return for season 5,” HBO said in a statement. “In Erlich Bachman, T.J. has brought to life an unforgettable character, and while his presence on the show will be missed, we appreciate his contribution and look forward to future collaborations.”
The rest of the cast, including, Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Josh Brener, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross, Jimmy O. Yang and Suzanne Cryer, are expected to return.
Silicon Valley is currently airing its fifth season on HBO.
Disney’s newest freshman comedy, Andi Mack, is coming back for a second season.
The first season of Andi Mack has seen strong and consistently growing ratings making the early renewal a no-brainer for the network. The series currently ranks as the #1 TV series of 2017 among Girls 6-11, Girls 9-14 and Girls 6-14 to date.
“There is not another series out right now – on any platform – that speaks to our core demographic with the authenticity and insight that Terri [Minsky] and her creative team have captured with Andi Mack,” stated Gary Marsh, president and chief creative officer, Disney Channels Worldwide, in a press release. “This series and these characters are well on their way to becoming this generation’s Lizzie McGuire.”
Disney has slated a “Back-to-Back ‘Andi Mack’” event on Friday, May 26 (5:00–9:00 p.m. EDT), which will allow new and old viewers to catch-up on all 8-episodes that have already aired. The following four weeks will see a new episode every Friday night which will culminate with Andi convinced that her parents Bex and Bowie are destined to be together. Meanwhile, Jonah Beck and Amber reach a pivotal moment in their relationship.
Andi Mack stars Peyton Elizabeth Lee as Andi Mack, Lilan Bowden as Bex Mack, Lauren Tom as Celia Mack, Joshua Rush as Cyrus Goodman, Sofia Wylie as Buffy Driscoll and Asher Angel as Jonah Beck. Recurring cast members are Stoney Westmoreland as Henry “HAM” Mack, Emily Skinner as Amber and Trent Garrett as Bowie Quinn.
Andi Mack was created and is executive produced by Terri Minsky (Lizzie McGuire). Michelle Manning (The Breakfast Club, Disney Channel Original Movies Adventures in Babysitting and Teen Beach 2) is also an executive producer. Phil Baker (Disney Channel’s Good Luck Charlie“) is co-executive producer.
Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King
Available on Netflix
Growing up in America as children of immigrant parents is not easy. It’s hard to explain the cultural differences and struggles of trying to fit in to those that haven’t grown up in similar households. Hasan Minhaj’s new comedy special on Netflix, Homecoming King, delivers a tale following his childhood experience that mirrors many of those in the Indian and Pakistani communities.
TheDaily Show correspondent regales the audience with his upbringing, as he breaks down his relationship with his parents and sister, the cultural divide between the kids and adults, racism, high school, friendships, love, and a prom story that would break even the toughest of hearts. Minhaj is confident and smooth in his delivery as he goes from making the crowd laugh one second into lowering the lights and getting real for a moment in order to reflect and analyze on his journey.
As he tries to find his place in the world, Minhaj finds himself constantly facing cultural and religious hurdles which give him pause. From birthdays, friendships, and phone calls from girls to AIM convos, love, marriage, and his career as a comedian, Minhaj tackles them all – including the most dreaded phrase a brown parent can utter – “Log Kya Kahenge – What will people think?”
Even if you don’t have a childhood that relates to Minhaj’s past, Homecoming King is full of laughs with a story that everyone should experience. Minhaj does use Hindi/Urdu terms to tell his story during bits of his set, but he quickly translates them for the English speakers.
If you are looking for something to watch and have a little over an hour to kill, Hasan Minhaj’s Homecoming King is a fantastic way to spend the time.
HBO has released the much-anticipated Game of Thrones Season 7 trailer giving us our first look at “The Great War” and the carnage that comes with it.
“If we don’t put aside our enmities and bound together, we will die.” – Davos
Highlights of the trailer:
Cersei and Jaime find themselves surrounded on all fronts at King’s Landing, but Cersei doesn’t seem worried one bit
North (Winterfell and Jon’s Army), South (Dorne), East (Daenerys, Dothraki, Dragons), and West (Greyjoys)
The dragons seem to have grown in the offseason. They look much bigger.
Dany takes her seat at Dragonstone, the castle and original seat of House Targaryen in Westeros. The castle was originally passed to Stannis after Robert overthrew the Targaryen rule.
Robert Strong is rocking a new suit of armor.
The Unsullied and Lannister army clash near a city gate.
Ellaria Sand and Yara Greyjoy appear to be getting intimate.
The sweeping shot of mounted riders racing towards battle in an open field with one of Dany’s dragons swooping over them.
Game of Thrones Season 7 debuts on HBO on July 16, 2017.
The third trailer highlights Tom Holland’s Peter Parker as he tries to find his bearings in the world of superheroes after his stint with Tony Stark in Captain America: Civil War. The new trailer includes a look at the new Spider-Man costume, including its nifty OS and what appears to be a training wheels protocol implemented by Stark to stop Peter from accessing all of its capabilities. Also appearing for the first time in the trailer is Donald Glover’s character who offers up some sage advice to the young web-slinger.
A young Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Tom Holland), who made his sensational debut in Captain America: Civil War, begins to navigate his newfound identity as the web-slinging super hero in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Thrilled by his experience with the Avengers, Peter returns home, where he lives with his Aunt May (Marisa Tomei), under the watchful eye of his new mentor Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.). Peter tries to fall back into his normal daily routine – distracted by thoughts of proving himself to be more than just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man – but when the Vulture (Michael Keaton) emerges as a new villain, everything that Peter holds most important will be threatened. Directed by Jon Watts. Produced by Kevin Feige and Amy Pascal. Screenplay by Jonathan Goldstein & John Francis Daley and Jon Watts & Christopher Ford and Chris McKenna & Erik Sommers, Screen Story by Jonathan Goldstein & John Francis Daley, Based on the Marvel Comic Book by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko.
Spider-Man: Homecoming will hit theaters on July 7, 2017.
This week on the season finale of #Supergirl: Supergirl and Superman clash, Lena Saves the Day, SOMEONE PROPOSES.
Spoilers through Supergirl season two, episode twenty-two: “Nevertheless, She Persisted”
“The thing that makes women strong is that we have the guts to be vulnerable. We have the ability to feel the depths of our emotion and we know that we will walk through it to the other side.” – Words of wisdom from inimitable Cat Grant
Oh my Rao. Oh my Rao. There’s so much to discuss from the Supergirl season finale! Where does one even begin?
On the heels or “Resist”, “Nevertheless, She Persisted” starts off with a bang of Super proportions, as Rhea trots out a Silver Kryptonite-affected Superman. He battles Supergirl in epic fashion because the kryptonite makes him see her as Zod. Why he doesn’t question Zod working with Daxamites, I’m not sure, but Superman goes along with it like a drugged up angry puppy. I don’t know how much of their yearly budget the CW spent on the fight sequence between the Supers, but it had to be a lot. It’s wonderfully choreographed and tense in all the right moments with plenty of civilian destruction to justify Batman being angry.
And it’s a moment Supergirl needed to show. So often when Supergirl runs into trouble in National City, fans ask, “Where is Superman? Why isn’t he helping?” And now the show can point to this moment and say, “At full strength, Supergirl beat Superman.” It doesn’t mean he won’t be around, but it helps set the tone that this is Supergirl and not Superfamily. Also, Tyler Hoechlin is perfect as Superman, so he can fly in to visit whenever he wants.
Supergirl wins the battle, natch, though not without draining herself almost completely. Watching the House of El cousins duke it out is always an exciting prospect in a Super world, but I have to wonder if Rhea actually thought this move through. It’s clear the effects of silver kryptonite aren’t permanent and within seconds of fighting, the pair smash through the hull of the Daxamite ship down to National City again. Escaping their prison cell and reuniting the cousins once more.
The true miracle is that Alex managed to drag/carry/magic the Supers to the Fortress of Solitude, where they both healed and then flew off yet again to fight the Daxamites.
Trial By Combat and A Not-So-Sorry Goodbye
In the computer at the Fortress of Solitude, Kara and Kal learn that they could invoke an ancient Daxamite trial by combat. If Kara beats Rhea in a fight, the latter would have to leave Earth for good. If Kara loses, she has to stand by as Earth is made into New Daxam. It’s a classic showdown and one that isn’t all that surprising given the tone of the show, but I’m happy that this fight is reminiscent of the one between Kara and Astra from season one.
Of course Rhea cheats because you can’t expect the woman who murdered her own husband to really follow the rulebook, now can you? Thankfully, SuperFriends have a backup in the form of an alien device re-engineered by my girlfriend, Lena Luthor, to make the atmosphere inhospitable for Daxamites. It’s not an easy decision for Kara to make, having to say goodbye to the frat boy poster child, but it’s one she makes anyway because Kara is ultimately a good person and she will always put the safety of the people of Earth first. Unless it means risking Alex’s life. Then she’ll choose Alex. Obviously.
The goodbye between the (ugh) star-crossed was sorrowful enough, I guess, but I couldn’t be bothered to feel emotion where they were concerned. IF Mon-El had remained a friend that Kara sought to protect, if he hadn’t lacked faith in her, chided her decision making, and generally just been a sexist spit wad, then maybe I would have shed a tear. Maybe I would have understood Kara sharing her mother’s necklace, as a show of good faith between their two races. As it stands, however, I still hate Mike and he doesn’t deserve to have a memento of Kara or her family with him as he gets sucked into the phantom zone.
Kara: “It was my mother’s. She gave it to me the day I left Krypton. I had just watched little Kal-El get launched into space. Her world was falling apart around her and even in the middle of that she looked at me and smiled and said as long as I had this I would never be alone. She’d be with me in my dreams.”
TIME FOR A RANT-FUELED INTERLUDE:
Enter Exhibit AAAAA in the “Case Against Mon-El”:
Supergirl: “She’s (Rhea) not gonna win.” Mon-El: “But what if she does? Do you know what will happen?” Supergirl: “I just have to beat her, and I will.” Mon-El: “What about Superman? Isn’t this his fight, too?” Superman: “It’s everyone’s fight, but Kara just defeated me. She’s the champion of Earth.”
WHERE’S SUPERMAN?! I’M SORRY. WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOGGY PIECE OF OATMEAL? ISN’T THAT YOOOOOUUUUUR MOTHER IN THE SKY SHOOTING LASERS? This arrogant sonovvabeeeeee gonna act like he has zero cards on the table.
I’ve said all along that Supergirl needs a voice of reason, a voice that doesn’t implicitly agree with every one of Kara’s decisions just because she’s the hero. That animosity between characters is what makes Legends of Tomorrow so compelling. However, Mon-El has NEVER believed in Kara’s ability to win in a fight. I’ve said it so many times that it actually pains me to type it out now. Why do we hate Mon-El? Because not once has he ever said, “Go get’em, Supergirl.” Or “You’re my hero.” Or “I’m proud of you.” Or “I’m humbled by you.” I don’t believe that even as her boyfriend (ugh), Mon-El should blindly support her every move without voicing his opinion, HOWEVER, he only supports her after she has saved the day. And it’s frustrating to watch, knowing that he’s a selfish pretend hero who wants to make this fight everyone else’s instead of owning up and saying, “Hey actually, this is my fight, too.”
Here’s what other characters had to say about Supergirl fighting Rhea to, you know, SAVE THE WORLD:
Cat: “What do you think, Kiera? Do you think Supergirl is ready for this?” Kara: “She told me she is.” Cat: “Well, great. Then I put all of my chips on the Girl of Steel.”
Without an ounce of hesitation, Cat Grant, mother of practically and logic, believes that Supergirl can win. Nay, she KNOWS Supergirl will win.
And when Lena and Winn had finished the device to make the air inhospitable to Daxamites:
Lillian: “You said it worked.” Lena: “Oh, it does. I just gave Supergirl the remote. Only she can turn it on.”
Both Lena and Cat have the utmost faith in Supergirl’s ability to succeed AND her ability to make the tough decisions. Mon-El’s hesitation may come from a place of fear but that doesn’t mean that Cat and Lena and Alex and LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE aren’t also afraid to lose Supergirl. They just know what she’s capable of and instead of casting doubt on her, they bring her up. Supergirl’s strength doesn’t just come from the yellow sun of Earth, but also from her friends. They are the heroes she needs to succeed. They are the ones she holds to heart when Rhea cheats and attacks the city anyway, when she bleeds kryptonite and Kara has to power through the pain. Not Mon-El, the unsupportive douchecanoe.
Someone Write Lena A Damn “Thank You” Note
It’s not just the SuperFriends’ faith that gets Supergirl through the tough times, it’s their ability to sacrifice when necessary. When Clark and Kara approach Cat about the upcoming trial by combat and ask Cat to slow reporting so that they could save innocents, Cat takes a step back and agrees. Even though it hurts her business to stop reporting, because the media is fueled by “on the minute” updates, Cat makes that sacrifice for the hero she believes in.
Lena, riddled with guilt over bringing the aliens to National City in the first place, works with Mama Cadmus (Lillian) to put a stop to the invasion, even though it’s clear the work causes her pain. Surrounded by memories of Lex and his descent into darkness, Lena has to push past her involvement in the current attack and be the hero National City needs. Despite the end result of her time with Rhea, Lena did learn one good lesson from the Daxamite Queen: she is capable of doing great things. Lena doesn’t have to be tainted by what her brother did or didn’t do. Just because he created a device to rid the world of aliens doesn’t mean it can’t also be used for good later on. It’s Lena’s ever-present good intentions that will see her become a hero. And she, like Kara, has consistently sacrificed her happiness for the good of the world.
Now if only someone in this damn universe would thank her for saving the world for a second time. Lena is looking for validation, any validation, and no one even at the DEO can muster up a damn fruit basket or bouquet of flowers? COME ON.
SUPERCORP INTERLUDE BECAUSE I HAVE TO.
Lena: “And they could never return, even Rhea’s son.” Supergirl: “Mon-El would have to leave earth.” Lena: “Did you know he was dating Kara Danvers?”
I know that logically she’s just angry that Kara Danvers, actual ray of sunshine, would be involved with an alien whose race has just attacked her planet, but I cannot help but read into the moment and slather it in subtext. Lena loves Kara. Pass it on.
ALSO: I just want to add that I think it was misstep in the writing to not mention Lena at the end of the episode at all. Yes, I know, she never gets thanked for her work, but at the end of the day, Kara Danvers is supposed to be Lena Luthor’s best friend, her ONLY friend. In that moment, Kara MUST know that Lena is in her office drinking scotch, thinking about how all of this is her fault, thinking how, she too, is all alone. Kara is grieving, of course, so I’ll give her a pass, but it’s unlike Kara to so completely ignore Lena’s feelings, too, even just as a friend.
Romance in Unexpected Places
M’gann’s arrival was a definite surprise in the season finale. Given her sudden return to Mars, I wasn’t sure we’d see her for the rest of the season, but thankfully, we’ve been good this year and Santa CW has seen fit to bestow upon us the gift that is M’gann. With her return comes a happy J’onn and while their reunion was brief, I’m beyond ecstatic we got it. J’onn hasn’t had the best year in terms of screen time and story arcs (though not as rough a go of things as James), so the least they could do was let him be happy in the finale.
ADORABLE BABIES.
And then there’s Sanvers. Sanvers, my beating heart. We didn’t get much in the way of Sanvers romance in the finale, but we did get one breathtaking moment at the very end. Just as the world starts to celebrate, Kara has a low moment with Alex. Heartbroken, Kara tells her sister to “Never let her (Maggie) go” and Alex, sharing in Kara’s pain acts on that impulse.
Early in the season, Alex struggled with herself, struggled with who she is, who she loves, and now her she is, a proud girlfriend who wants nothing more than to be with Maggie forever. Sure, the emotions are heightened by Kara’s grief and Alex’s need to act quickly (and rashly), but it doesn’t diminish the sweetness of Alex Danvers and how at the end of the day, she’s still this innocent looking for someone to love her. I don’t doubt that at the beginning of the season we’ll see Maggie doubt this engagement, want to run and give Alex a chance to explore her feelings more, but for now, I’ll just be happy. I’ll be happy that in that moment, Alex is happy and in love and Sanvers can do anything as far as I’m concerned.
Random thoughts
Winn remains the most adorable character on the show. He is the fanboy in all of us as we watch Supergirl and if anything bad ever happens to him, we riot.
Also, Winn and Lena need to work together more next season. His dorkiness and her snarkiness would mesh so wonderfully, and let’s face it, home girl needs more friends.
If these last two episodes don’t prove that Supergirl needs Cat Grant, I don’t know what to tell you.
There’s no real point for this gif set other than I love Alex Danvers and everything she has done this season.
We just finished the binge weekend event for Syfy’s 12 Monkeys season 3 and already we fans are looking forward to the fourth and sadly final season of the show. Filming is currently underway and showrunner Terry Matalas as well as some of the cast have been posting behind the scenes looks to tide us over.
So far we see modified plague masks that appear more like combat duty versions, mini-Jennifer (adorable!!), Cassie wearing a gas mask and carrying a rifle, an older Vivian (Scottie Thompson), and a very imposing looking Witness.
At the end of season 3 we discovered that Olivia (Alisen Down) was the true Witness who would lead the Army of the 12 Monkeys to destroy time and bring about the apocalypse. This was a huge reveal as audiences were first led to believe that Cassie and Cole’s progeny Athan (James Callis) was the group’s prophet. Now that Olivia has accepted her purpose, what machinations will she devise to win against Team Splinter? Whatever her plans may be, it’s most definitely going to be crazy in the best way possible.
Click on the links to read our reviews for nights 1, 2, and 3.
Cinematic universes are all the rage since Marvel hit it big with their big screen comic book universe.
Sony is on attempt number two right now with Spider-Man (Marvel is assisting them this time around), after whiffing with Amazing Spider-Man. Warner Bros. has more misses than successes with their DC Comics Extended Universe, but they haven’t given up yet.
New to the fray is Universal Pictures’ Dark Universe, which will serve as the connecting tissue in the revival of classic monster films starting with next month’s The Mummy.
What’s to follow after The Mummy? Bride of Frankenstein, directed by Bill Condon (Beauty and the Beast), which is slated to release on February 14, 2019. With the next film in the Dark Universe nearly two years away, why even bother announcing a universe until then?
“I’m very excited to bring a new Bride of Frankenstein to life on screen, particularly since James Whale’s original creation is still so potent,” said Condon in a statement. “The Bride of Frankenstein remains the most iconic female monster in film history, and that’s a testament to Whale’s masterpiece—which endures as one of the greatest movies ever made.”
The Bride of Frankenstein will join previously announced characters in the Dark Universe – The Invisible Man, played by Johnny Depp, Frankenstein’s Monster, played by Javier Bardem, Tom Cruise, as soldier of fortune Nick Morton, Russell Crowe as Dr. Henry Jekyll, and Sofia Boutella as The Mummy.
The Dark Universe will be helmed by Alex Kurtzman, who also serves as director and producer of The Mummy, Chris Morgan, writer of six of films in the Fast & Furious franchise, Christopher McQuarrie (Mission: Impossible series, The Usual Suspects) and David Koepp (War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park).
“When Universal approached us with the idea of reimagining these classic characters, we recognized the responsibility of respecting their legacy while bringing them into new and modern adventures,” said Kurtzman and Morgan. “The studio and our fellow creative collaborators have championed and challenged us as we’ve begun to spin the web of Dark Universe. It’s our hope these movies will engross longtime fans and spark the imaginations of brand-new ones.”
“We take enormous pride in the creativity and passion that has inspired the reimagining of Universal’s iconic monsters and promise audiences we will expand this series strategically,” said Donna Langley, Chairman, Universal Pictures, in a statement. “The enterprise masterfully developed by Chris and Alex will allow each subsequent chapter the right time to find the perfect cast, filmmakers and vision to fulfill it. As we launch Dark Universe with Danny’s [Elfman] provocative theme before The Mummy and collaborate with a brilliant filmmaker like Bill to weave the story of a very modern woman in a very classic tale, we feel confident we’re off to a tremendous start.”
IRON CHEF GAUNTLET Season 1, Episode 6
“The Gauntlet”
AIR DATE: May 21, 2017
GRADE: —
Here we are at the finish line for the first season (and, hopefully, the LAST for a long while) of “Iron Chef Gauntlet”. All the other chefs are gone and there’s one remaining who will run tonight’s “Iron Chef Gauntlet” against Chefs Bobby Flay, Michael Symon and Masaharu Morimoto.
Let’s see what happens…
In case you’re not caught up, your winning chef is…
THE IZARD QUEEN!
Smug AF right there.
Let’s dive right in.
Izard says her journey is a rollercoaster and she watched this show growing up. She wants to be the next Iron Chef.
Alton outlines the rules of the Iron Chef Gauntlet:
There will be three separate battles against each of the three Iron Chefs.
Each battle will feature a separate Secret Ingredient.
The panel will award points for each round. If Izard’s total points for all three rounds exceed the points of all three Iron Chefs, she will be the newest Iron Chef.
Izard says she didn’t come this far to lose.
Alton introduces the Iron Chefs:
IRON CHEF BOBBY FLAY!
IRON CHEF MASAHARU MORIMOTO!
IRON CHEF MICHAEL SYMON!
Izard runs down the IC history for us:
MORIMOTO: One of the original Iron Chefs from the show in Japan. He’s incredible and he’s who scares her the most.
SYMON: Izard once took on Symon in Battle Bread. She lost and, since then, she’s been wanting revenge.
FLAY: She says he “wins all the time”. That’s about it. She’s not wrong.
Alton reveals the first Secret Ingredient:
PEPPERS!!!
Hmmm…wonder who’ll be her opponent. I don’t know…it might rhyme with “Hobby Clay” — but, WAIT!!! Alton says that the order of which opponents she faces is up to HER!!! So, HA! She wouldn’t pick somebody who knows what to do with peppers and who might produce great pepper dishes that will–.
SHE CHOOSES BOBBY FLAY.
Yup.
The camera zooms in on stock footage of Bobby Flay wearing a black Iron Chef jacket rather than the white one he’s wearing because Food Network is apparently poor and can’t afford to shoot new footage.
Flay steps off his podium and says “I love peppers.”
Michael Symon says that Izard’s decision is gutsy because Flay is the pepper master — but she went right for him.
Morimoto simply laughs and says, “Good luck!”
Alton sets the timer at 45 minutes and gives us the requisite “Allez Cuisine!” and we’re off with the chefs grabbing peppers while Alton pretends to know who has what advantage by the peppers chosen.
Izard says the it’s all about the use of the ingredient and she will use as many peppers as she can. She’s going toward a “taco” of sorts but something “Japanese”. Flay, meanwhile, is roasting peppers and will do a Chile Relleno of some sort because he’s not even trying and this network is hellbent on installing Izard as an Iron Chef. Flay says that anyone can make a pepper dish but nobody seems to know that each pepper has actual flavor. He’s going to use other vegetables to match the flavor and heat of each pepper.
Flay makes a Jalapeno pesto and Izard starts making her pancake taco thing.
Flay says that Izard seems fearless and that’s something he admires because he had to beat Morimoto to become an Iron Chef.
Alton visits Izard and asks if she can take Flay. “Hell, yeah!” she says. “I can take him.” Alton likes that.
Flay mixes his pesto with cheese while Izard coats Kobe beef with a pepper marinade. Flay stuffs his peppers and dredges it in rice flour.
Alton counts down from one minute which was, literally, 15 minutes one minute ago but we have two more of these battles, so it’s time to hurry up.
Both chefs plate and we’re going to judgment:
Alton gives us our judges: Executive chef and restaurateur, Ludo Lefebvre and CEO of Belcampo, Anya Fernald.
First up…
CHEF IZARD
Asian Style Kalbi Beef Taco with Seven Peppers – Ludo likes the texture and the spice but thinks there’s too much going on with the dish. Anya says the Kalbi beef is nice but that the spice isn’t working.
IRON CHEF BOBBY FLAY
Veracruz Chile Relleno with a Chile & Pepper Sauce – Anya loves the sauce and the crust. Anya says the Pesto didn’t really work in a dish like this. The sweet pepper, however, does work. Ludo loves the technique and eggplant.
Izard says that she probably lost to Flay while Flay says he’s happy to sit this one out and watch her take on the other two guys.
Izard comes back in for her second challenge.
Alton reveals the ingredient is…
CHEESE!!!
Gee…wonder if she’ll choose Symon…nah. She’ll want to go a different route and choose Morimoto who has a seafood-based cooking method and that would be sma–.
SHE CHOOSES IRON CHEF MICHAEL SYMON.
Then she beats herself up for her choice, for chrissakes.
Symon commends her for, essentially, being gutsy (or “stupid”, as Alton refers to it) and Morimoto just sits there and prays for fish for the final round.
With 45 minutes on the clock, the battle begins.
Izard is going for Blue Cheese Ice Cream which, look, sounds great for foodies but, come fucking ON, that’s far too simple. Even Alton says she should have chilled her mixture.
Izard tries to trash talk…or meekly asks “You OK over there, Chef Symon?” It’s so hard to tell with her.
Symon likes the filling for his dish while Izard is chopping chocolate and beets for “garnish”. M-kay. Alton tries to ask her what she’s thinking here, then goes to Symon who says he’s making dishes that are “full of surprises”. The two slam their counters because they’re MEN!!!
Izard checks her ice cream and it runs out of the machine like water…and it’s too salty. So she adds more sugar. She tries to get the ice cream mixture into the machine but can’t get it off the fucking spoon. Then she freaks out and says she has no idea what to do. FOR FUCK SAKES, GET ANOTHER SPOON TO SCRAPE IT OFF THE MAIN SPOON! You don’t even have to be a chef to know that!
Michael Symon is making a ravioli pasta dish. What, did you think after Grueneberg was eliminated that you got away?! Nope.
He starts making the ravs — then throws every single on of them away…what the…? Symon explains that it wasn’t good enough so he’s making more pasta. Symon: “I’m sweatin’ like Jose Garces over here!” Nice.
Izard’s ice cream seems okay this time and she puts it in the freezer so that it will take shape. Moments later, it’s ready to come out and she plates everything.
Symon does likewise and it’s time to judge…
CHEF IZARD
Blue Cheese Ice Cream with a Parmesan Chocolate Sauce – Ludo nods and nods…and nods…and squints. Izard has NO idea what any of that means. Ludo says his least favorite cheese is Blue Cheese but because Izard infused ice cream with another food (a common, daily practice at your local Cheesecake Factory), he thinks the texture of the ice cream is “amazing” and the ice cream “genius”. Anya likes how delicious the dish is. OMG, IT’S ICE CREAM, YOU GUYS. You infuse it with BROCCOLI and season it right, you’re gonna like what you taste.
IRON CHEF MICHAEL SYMON
Cheese Tortellone in a Brown Butter Sauce with Walnuts, Grapes & Burrata – Beautifully plated and thought-out. It isn’t scoops of ice cream stacked on top of chopped chocolate. Ludo loves everything about the dish from presentation to flavor — except the pasta is overcooked. But Symon takes it in stride and says his grandmother just rolled over in her grave. Ludo says his grandmother also overcooked the pasta. Anya says she loves the flavor but that it seemed safe. Ludo agrees.
Izard has no idea where she stands right now. She’s ready for the final round.
Iron Chef Morimoto is ready to cook and comes down to greet Izard.
The last Secret Ingredient is…
TILEFISH!!!
Gee, that was totally coincidental. Peppers against Flay? Cheese against Symon? Fish against Morimoto? TOTALLY NOT FIXED.
Izard cooks up aromatics in a pot with soy while the fish goes in a food processor. She adds some flour. She’s making noodles.
Morimoto is using nearly every single part of the fish to make his dish, steaming it and making soup.
Alton goes down to talk to Izard, getting in her head. Then he visits Morimoto who just tunes him out and chops stuff.
Not to rush this, but they’re already at two minutes. The two begin plating.
Morimoto has made FIVE FREAKIN’ DISHES??? What the…? He explains: “I made five dishes! If I had fifteen more minutes, I’d make EIGHT!”
Here’s the list:
Steamed Tilefish Cheeks
Steamed Tilefish with XO Sauce
Tilefish Crudo
Grilled Tilefish Soup
Rice with Tilefish Bones & Soy Sauce
Izard is stunned and says that she’s running against the best, but that her dish is HER and represents her.
We’re at the final judgement round. Here we go…
CHEF IZARD
Tilefish Laksa, Noodles & Dumpling with Tilefish Ceviche – Ludo says the dish’s presentation isn’t great but that it tastes good. Anya agrees saying that her noodles to look good to the eye. She calls Izard’s Ceviche “basic” but says it tastes delicious.
CHEF MORIMOTO
Steamed Tilefish with XO Sauce and Sea Urchin – Anya likes the fish to be more tender. Ludo thinks it had great flavor and balance.
Steamed Tilefish Cheeks with Black Bean Sauce – Ludo loves how tender the fish is but says that black beans take the flavor out of things. Anya says that the presentation is beautiful and she likes the dish.
Tilefish Crudo with Bell Pepper and Mozzarella – Anya says it’s unique but can’t taste the fish. Ludo says about the same.
Tilefish Rice and Soup with Kombu and Bonito Flakes – Anya and Ludo adore this dish, saying that it’s unique and “Japanese”.
I guess the last two dishes were one dish. And I’m not really sure why Morimoto was allowed to make that many dishes but the show pretends like that’s cool.
The final judgement is here.
Izard enters the kitchen and she says she’s proud of everything she made.
Alton commends her bold approach to each and every battle. He reads the scores.
IZARD VS. FLAY
31-27, Flay (Iron Chefs ahead by 4 points.)
IZARD VS. SYMON
32-26, Symon (Izard ahead by 2 points)
IZARD VS. MORIMOTO
Morimoto had 30 points, putting the Iron Chefs at 87 points, which means that Izard had to get at least 29 points to win. She would lose to Morimoto but still become the Iron Chef…
Izard got…
31 POINTS.
Of course she did. Of course she beat Michael Symon and Masaharu fucking Morimoto while just barely losing to Bobby Flay. So, she’s an Iron Chef. Ho-hum. Did you have any doubts?
THOUGHTS: Safe, boring, who cares? It would really be to Food Network’s advantage if they went back to the “Next Iron Chef” format instead of continuing with this. Realistically, a format like this is going to give you the rookie win every single time because the TV audience has invested too much for that contestant to lose and a rookie loss would render the entire show meaningless.
And, yes, Izard is as boring as her cooking. She’s the most dull Iron Chef since Jose Garces. Blue Cheese Ice Cream? The Cheesecake Factory can do that and make it just as good. And I detest that restaurant. I will never understand why Food Network viewers fall for the scam that is this network. It’s insulting.
Anyway, love it or hate it, Izard is an Iron Chef. Yay?
12 MONKEYS -- "Masks" Episode 308 -- Pictured: (l-r) Amanda Schull as Cassandra Railly, Aaron Stanford as James Cole -- (Photo by: Dusan Martincek/Syfy)
Spoilers through season 3, episode 10 of 12 Monkeys.
In the final night of the 12 Monkeys season 3 binge event and it’s the most important one yet as we discovered not one, but two Witnesses. One of the best things about the show is its continuous ability to surprise audiences with unexpected plot twists. When one question gets answered several more gets asked in kind.
Here are the most important events to know episodes 8 to 10.
Conception of The Word of The Witness
In 1879, Athan has become a young man who is tired of living in squalor. Sebastian (now played by Rupert Graves of Sherlock!) though is quick to remind him that one day he will have all the power in the world and he needs to be a person who’s lived through hardship to understand what wielding that will actually mean. Athan doesn’t want to be primary because of all the voices and variables, plus he still struggles with the insanity of what he has been told of his future. It turns out to be Sebastian who gives him a large parchment of paper and tells him to make it sane. As his charge begins to write and draw, the word of The Witness begins to take shape.
Jones Allies with Olivia
With Cole and Cassie as enemies now, Jones ends up turning to Olivia for a “fresh perspective” on their evidence in an attmept to catch the parents of The Witness as they keep coming to a dead end. The other woman advises that they need to stop thinking linearly. Jones takes her out of her cell and into the evidence room where Olivia explains that Cole and Cassie are going back to places they’ve been to retrace their steps and that The Witness actually has 2 more guardians protecting him now (his parents duh). She also tells them that Jennifer has been leading Team Splinter along and protecting C and C.
In Jennifer’s gut, she knows that allying with Olivia is wrong and so she creates a distraction by sacrificing her two turtles by causing a paradox explosion and giving her enough time to get to the machine room. There she has a heart to heart with Lasky who agrees that Olivia cannot be trusted and that killing their friends is bad. He tells her that if she had a gun then he would be forced to help her to save his own life. So she makes a gun with her fingers and he “fears” for his life. She tells him to send her back to London 1899 because Cassie and Cole are still there.
Let’s Go To a Masquerade
Cole and Cassie are able to figure out that there is a masquerade ball in 1899 that is a significant moment for Athan (its in the word of the Witness) but they don’t understand why. They work their way to attending it though hoping that he’ll be there. Instead they recognize Sebastian who is working as a server. The horseman explains that he was stranded by Athan and hadn’t seen his charge in twenty years. However, Team Splinter arrives and it’s a tense moment as former friends face each only to be distracted by Jennifer’s arrival. The primary enters the party dawning a plague mask and launches fireworks into the room to serve as a disturbance. Cole, Cassie, and Sebastian are able to get away and they head to the gardens where C and C stashed their splinter vests. The scenery looks familiar though because Jennifer had previously drawn it in 2046 at the facility. Sebastian makes the ultimate sacrifice and tells Athan’s parents the address to their son’s London home where he hopes they’ll find some answers before stepping in front of Jones and Deacon to serve as a distraction so that the duo can get away. Team Splinter shoots the guardian down and he turns out to be the dead body on the ground that Athan had seen at the very beginning of episode 8. This moment was significant to him because it was the death of his beloved tutor. Athan turns out to have been at the party all along masked of course and goes out to the garden to put two copper coins on the eyes of Sebastian quietly saying that they’ll see each other again in the red forest.
Jennifer Goes Back To The Future, 2046 That Is
After her London stunt, Jennifer is taken back to 2046 and locked up in Olivia’s cage in her place. This is such an intense moment for her character as she is now back in solitary confinement with just the voices in her head to keep her company.
We Learn About Athan’s Life
Cole and Cassie go to the address Sebastian tells them and finds a home full of memorabilia from Athan’s life that Cassie recognizes like the gramophone. There is a plague mask there but it is different from the one that was in Titan. There are also tons of journals in the house and the parents begin read through the, learning about their son’s life as a grown man. We discover that Athan had gotten stuck in London in 1891 because his vest malfunctioned, previously he had been hoping from period to period, essentially running away from the distant future of himself.
He goes to a clockmaker to create a piece he needs to fix the vest, but then meets a woman who robs the artisan of some valuables. The most striking thing about this person is that she is wearing a plague mask as a disguise to hide her identity. Curious, Athan follows her to a makeshift hospital where she turns out to be a doctor helping to care for the sick. Slowly he begins to fall in love with Eliza because she isn’t afraid to stand up to him and despite being primary, he strangely is unable to see her death. When he asks her why the mask, she says if your promising death you best look the part.
Eliza Dies Over and Over Again
We discover that Eliza ends up dying and that Athan in unable to stop it no matter what he tries. First, she is killed in cold blood by the men who owned the watches she stole. The primary sensed something wrong and goes to the hospital only to find her dead body. Furious, he goes to the clockmaker and kicks his ass, finally realizing that the man had been playing him to keep getting paid. With the part he finally needed to fix the splinter vest in his hands, Athan goes back in time to stop Eliza from being killed by shooting the men intent on murdering her instead. She is shocked but he explains that he did it to save her. They have an intense argument that Athan should not be manipulating time. Eliza ends up giving him a broken pocket watch (the same one that was in Titan that Cassie saw!) that her father had given her and that it was broken. She explains that the hands cannot be moved forward or backwards to serve as a reminder that there is only today. He says that he would do anything for her and she responds that he should never manipulate time again then. Later on, he is about to destroy the splinter vest and calls for her when she doesn’t respond. Athan comes over to their bed only to discover that Eliza has died in her sleep. This time she passed away from an infection stemming from her leg. He tries in vain to save her 607 times (same number as the Emerson hotel room interesting) and fails. She always dies on June 26, 1891 no matter what.
Athan Meets His Parents In Their Past
Cassie and Cole also discover that they had both met their son at different periods in their lives. Firstly, James met his son at some point after the plague hit as a grown man. He was on his own and still scavenging for food when Athan showed up and offered to trade him a can of beans for whatever he had in a bag he was ransacking and a conversation. Cole agrees and the two talk. During this time, James was in survivor mode and was in a kill of be killed mentality. The son asks his father about his grandparents, if he had any happy memories of them. Cole shrugs and said that he never knew his mother and only remembered a little bit of his dad. Athan says that they have that in common. He then asks how many people Cole has killed and the other man gets upset and defensive, retorting back that surely he’s done things he regrets. Athan calmly answers that he’s afraid of what he’s going to become. The two men end up discussing happiness and Cole reveals that if he could have that he would give up a lifetime of anything else. Careful dude, these sounds like thoughts for justifying the destruction of time.
At some point while he is trying to save Eliza, Athan visits his mother who is a young doctor struggling with the pain of just losing a patient. He poses as a fellow colleague who had been on leave and also had lost a patient recently. Cassie’s son describes how Eliza (though doesn’t mention her name) had an infection and so he prescribed her with a medicine but it in turn resulted in a cerebral aneurism. He goes on to say how some people just can’t be saved and how if hypothetically you could try hundreds and hundreds of times but still end up with the same result. Cassie shares her own frustrations regarding time and how it seems to just run away from you when you need it to stop. Dr. Railly exhales slowly, adding that it simply doesn’t. Athan agrees that it takes and runs away, his mother adding, “like a thief.” He says that it sounds like time is an enemy and from her current perspective, Cassie agrees that it is like fighting a clock who always wins.
After this conversation, he finally realizes that he must return to Titan to become the demon he’d always feared. As he looks upon Eliza’s body inside the church yet again, Cassie and Cole finally catch up to him.
Jennifer Is Slowly Going Mad…Or Is She?
Back in 2046, Jennifer’s cage is covered with drawings on the floor. Jones asks her what all of this is and she said its what she sees (it’s all she sees). Deacon is obviously disturbed by this despite his macho-I-am-a-bad-guy mentality. He suggests they let her go outside and get some air but Jennifer says it’s inside her mind where she is struggling. Jones asks the primary to help her understand what its like to be her and what and when these sketches are. The other woman only responds that it is the end and that they all play a part. We see a drawing of a dead body again and a figure inside Titan’s Red Theater. At some point while alone, Jennifer sees her past and future selves who both tell her that she needs to listen to the voices in her head because they are the voices of the other primaries and that they are trying to tell her something. They proceed to lecture that she has everything she needs already and that she needs to think. Jennifer shows her other selves a picture of the mausoleum and they help confirm that this takes place in her present and that she must save the dying man. But to help him she needs to get out of her prison and the other two say use her head. They vanish and Jennifer begins to pound her head onto the cement floor. She is soon strapped to a chair where Jones asks why she won’t help them and Jennifer responds that all that the scientist ever wanted was what was in her head and she doesn’t want it anymore. Showing compassion, Deacon says enough and tells Jones that he watched the primary die once already and he wasn’t going to let Jones or Jennifer herself end her life again. He asks where she wants to go and she responds home. As she is preparing to sit on the machine, the German scientist tells her that she will be instrumental in saving her daughter and she will always be grateful for that. Just as she is about to splinter, Deacon apologizes and she turns and gives him a wink before vanishing. Well played Jennifer, well played.
The Chase
Cole and Cassie continue to chase Athan through time via synching their splinter vests to his though he puts up quite a fight. Their son finally gets the jump on them by coming in from behind the doctor and setting her vest onto self-destruct mode and tells his dad that he can either save her or follow him. Cole helps Cassie out of her vest and then they both follow him, but only he appears first. Athan thinks his dad let mom die until she grabs him from behind and the three of them splinter to 1959 and the house of cedar and pine for a little family time. Once there, Cassie and Cole try to convince their kid that he doesn’t have to become The Witness. She gives him Eliza’s pocket watch as a reminder that his beloved would not want him to do this and that the only time they have is now.
Team Splinter Catches Up
Olivia helps Jones to find the location of the trio, tapping into her mindset as a mother and helping the scientist realize that they would want to go somewhere safe – aka the house of cedar and pine. The former 12 Monkeys member then offers her services again to locate the time period but she will need some red tea to do that. Once she drinks the brew, she is taken back to the house in a time out of time and is able to communicate with Athan. He is able to get across that he and his parents are in 1959. Just as Olivia is about to return to her present though, The Witness (in the full get up mask and all) appears and freaks her the hell out.
That was a dumb move on Athan’s part because Team Splinter is now on their way to kill him. Jones, Hannah, and some of the daughters arrive and a shootout commences. But then Titan appears behind the house and so the scientist and her daughter go in, sensing that they must kill The Witness now. We end up with a Mexican standoff where Jones is pointing a gun at Athan and Cassie instead of pointing her gun at Jones switches to Hannah. Dr. Railly pleads mother to mother, for the other woman not to kill her child. Jones apologizes to her daughter and shoots Athan, which also causes his vest to malfunction and he splinters away.
Titan Cometh
Hannah looks at her mother and in sheer horror asks what have they done? The Monkeys shoot the Daughters posted outside the house and we hear Mallick calling for Cassie. Jones injects her daughter to be taken back to 2046, saying do not come after her. The three go outside and Mallick asks Dr. Railly if he’s found her son and she explains that she did but he got shot and she thinks the suit’s self-destruct mode was triggered. The other man asks to confirm that The Witness is dead and when she says yes, he says good. Uhm, what the what?? Cassie shares our confusion, thinking that Mallick had wanted her to save him. He begs to differ that he just wanted her child found. Cole, Cassie, and Jones are taken into Titan and the house is burned down.
They are brought to the Red Theater where as the doors open, Pallid Man turns to look at them then collapses, revealing Olivia behind him. Oh hell this is AMAZING.
Olivia’s Long Con
We finally see Olivia’s true plan for revenge against The Witness and the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Earlier as Jones left to go to 1959, she attacks her two female guards inside the makeshift cell, showing audiences the true strength that she possessed as a genetically modified human. It’s freaking glorious. Deacon is supposed to join Jones and Hannah but he gets a sense that something is wrong and goes to investigate the alarm in Olivia’s cell just as we hear her words, “Nothing stays in a box forever.” It is also finally revealed that Mallick was indeed in cahoots with her, their favorite saying, “We honor time with patience.” She is able to disable Deacon, telling him that everything he is is wasted on them, but not with her. Olivia uses him as shield to get into the machine room where she shoots Adler and other members of the Daughters, then knocks Deacon out. She then proceeds to splinter herself to Titan, having gotten the coordinates from Mallick (he left her a note back when the Monkeys attacked her camp where Sam was). Now we know why he didn’t want PM to alter Titan’s course after Cassie escaped. Once she is there, she tells her minion where The Witness will be, they splinter to 1959 and then she kills her brother inside the Red Theater (as he thinks she is The Witness returned to them) just as Cassie, Jones, and Cole arrive.
Mallick confirms that The Witness is dead, having been shot and the suit triggered its immolation sequence. Olivia then launches into super villain explanation mode, where she gives her motive – that when the red forest failed last season, she took it upon herself to get it right because that failure was evidence of The Witness’s weakness. So she used Team Splinter themselves to get her what she desired, Ramse and Sam, Jones, and Cassie especially to find her son. Olivia tells Jones that she was never a fool, but that now she was going to fulfill her purpose to be rid of the scientist. Then she stabs the other woman in the gut. Holy crap!
Olivia walks up the steps at the center of the Red Theater and proclaims that they should also be rid of The Witness because he was never anything more than a dying man and that he shall never return. Except on wait, the lights begin to flicker.
Jennifer Is In The Right Place At The Right Time
Jennifer returned to 2017 and finally found the mausoleum that had been plaguing her mind (it’s in England). She had been chatting with two kids who thought she was a ghost when the lights begin to flicker and she knows that the time is right at last. Athan appears (Jennifer had been in Eliza’s mausoleum!!!) having just been shot and Jennifer tells the kids to go get some help. He was the dying man that she had to save. She helps him recover and tells him that as a primary he can skip through time and so he just needs to fast forward a little. Athan jumps his consciousness into his body as he healed until he lands at a point where he’s back at full capacity. So I guess primaries don’t need red tea to do this!
Theory: I think the person Jennifer was seeing in her visions pointing to the dying man wearing the plague mask wasn’t The Witness, but Eliza, showing the primary where she needed to be to save Athan.
Back Back To The Future, Err 1959
After recovering, Athan splinters to Titan in 1959 just after Olivia gives her speech that The Witness will never return. Whoops, his bad. He then open fires on the congregation with Mallick spiriting Olivia away to safety. He then helps Cassie, Cole, and Jones, telling them that they need to run now. As they are making their way towards the exit, Athan gives Cole his vest saying that its his now and they need to go. He’s going to stay because it’s where he’s meant to be. The father and son share a tender moment where Cole says that he wishes he’d gotten to know him. Athan then goes over to Cassie, who is more than willing to sacrifice herself for her family, but he tells her that she needs to go as well and that is her window. He gives her Eliza’s pocket watch and tells her that nothing is written. She pleads with him but he keeps saying to go and that he’ll see her soon. Cassie uses the two pocket watches as a paradox bomb to cover their escape killing Mallick while Athan is taken to Olivia.
The True Witness
This is the part that will throw fans in an uproar of epic proportions because we learn who the true prophet of the 12 Monkeys is. When Athan is brought to Olivia inside the room that housed so many relics from his life, she asks him why the mask. He gives the same answer that Eliza gave him all those years ago, if you promise death you might as well look the part. However he adds that he supposes its now her job. WHAT THE WHAT?!? This is the moment when I was screaming at the screen because holy crap what the hell. Olivia herself is shocked when Athan tells her that surely she’s figured it out by now. It had taken him awhile to realize that the sad lonely demon at the end of time was in fact not him. He turns to her explaining that ensuring his own creation meant securing her own. The promise of a timeless realm, the deceiver, it was always Olivia. We get a flashback montage of The Witness from season 1 onwards to when we last saw her with herself in the house of cedar and pine. A shocked Olivia stared at her own face as when The Witness finally took the mask off. She can’t believe it though because she hasn’t given orders through time and Athan comments not yet but she will. Olivia is even more pissed off because she worshipped him. He notes that even though she has an army at her back, she is alone and that’s why she will lose. In fury, she finally kills him in cold blood.
Well so many things make sense now. No wonder The Witness never wanted to communicate with Olivia because hello paradox! In the end her mother was right that The Witness would always be with her because duh she’s always watching out for numero uno.
The Ouroboros
We jump to London 2018 and the plague has started, Cassie’s voice is heard on TV saying how the CDC is working on a cure day and night. Jennifer and Athan are in a house where he tells her that its time and this is the moment before he returns to Titan in 1959. He says that whatever the symbols she’s drawing may mean, this is her mission now and that she’s better than him.
Back in 1959, Deacon and Hannah arrive outside of the burning house to see Cassie, Cole and Jones. Deacon slowly gives Cassie an injection, an offering of peace knowing that they had all been tricked by Olivia. Team Splinter is reunited once more all return to 2046.
Olivia in the meantime addresses her followers inside the Red Theater, saying that Athan Cole is dead but his cycle begets their own and that they will begin another. They will have their forest, their peace, and that she would make for them what he could not. But first they would destroy their enemies where they live and that she, The Witness has returned. Olivia has accepted her purpose to become the true Witness. Titan splinters to 2046 right behind the facility and this is how the place gets destroyed.
We go back to Jennifer and Athan in 2018 where they put down her most recent sketch of unknown symbols. As the camera pans out we see that it makes a larger picture of an ouroboros encircling the symbol of the 12 Monkeys.
Cole’s Mom
But wait, more mysteries are afoot! A different scene unfolds in 2015 where young Cole is in a trailer with his dad who is reading him a passage from The Wizard of Oz. As young Cole tells his dad to keep going because he knows there’s more, a piece of paper falls out of the book and it has an ouroboros symbol on it. His father begins to read it out loud:
There once was a serpent who only traveled one direction. Always forward never backward. Until one day the serpent came upon a demon.
When Cole asks what it means, his dad says that he doesn’t know because he didn’t write it, Cole’s mother did. WHAT IS THIS?!?
Final Thoughts
There you have it folks. So many masterful plot twists that had us collectively screaming at television and computer screens due to sheer epic-levels of insanity. Season 3 tied all the threads from the first 2 seasons and then kicked up a notch because thats what they do. While many questions were answered, new ones arose like who is Cole’s mom and what is her purpose in this story?
Is there another Athan still? He did promise Cassie that they would meet again.
We’ve only met/heard of 7 primaries so far, will there be more?
The significance of the ouroboros surrounding the monkey at the end of the season finale, is Olivia the serpent? Is she now the snake that has surrounded the Monkeys? Is Jones the demon who gave her the ability to time travel?
Is Olivia Cole’s mom or is it another person we haven’t met yet? After extensive conversations with fellow Workprint staffer and 12 Monkeys fan Bilal, he theorizes that it is a new person and a primary, which would explain the ouroboros note.
Olivia’s journey into a super villain is a fascinating one (remember Jennifer saying stop talking like a super villain, hello HINT) as she is truly a master manipulator. She’s used Ramse, Deacon, Cassie, Cole and Jones to serve her purpose. At the same time she herself discovers her true purpose to be the real Witness and become the supreme leader. However she is still lonely because has anyone ever truly loved her and in turn has she ever loved someone in her life?
Jennifer’s role is even more important now after the events of season 3. Even though she can’t see the full puzzle, it seems that she’s seeing the language that Athan did not. His words that she is the best of all of them makes me wonder if she might have a different kind of connection to time.
I still need to know who the plague body is. Maybe Olivia uses Athan’s body as the carrier and sends it back through time??
This binge event was glorious beyond all expectations and just blew me away. 12 Monkeys continues to be one the best science fiction shows of all time and thank god we’re getting a season 4 because if not we should all picket outside of Syfy’s office to demand more. There were so many nods to the original film as well as other amazing time travel movies as Back To The Future (hello Christopher Lloyd and Cole’s 80’s get up as Marty McFly). Bringing in Cassie’s mom Kathryn Railly as a psychologist was just an unbelievably beautiful touch as well as featuring Madeleine Stowe last season. Now if Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis could come in for our final season that would be the pièce de résistance.
What a crazy and amazing ride this was. Until next time, keep hydrated as you formulate those conspiracy theories as to what Olivia and the Monkeys are planning next season.
Spoilers through season 3, episode 7 of 12 Monkeys
It’s the second night of the 12 Monkeys binge weekend event extravaganza as the intrigue and mystery continue for our group of time travelers and their enemies. These three episodes finally gave us a real look into the life of The Witness as a young boy and the struggle that Cassie and Cole endure when their roles as parents and would-be saviors of the world collide.
Here are the memorable moments you need to know from episodes 5, 6, and 7.
The Word of The Witness
Team Splinter travels back to the 1980s to steal the word of The Witness from an auction house. Jennifer comes up with a brilliant plan to steal the timeline map of The Witness without alerting the 12 Monkeys. She discovers from Olivia (in an Oceans 11 like sequence) that during WWII the Monkeys hid the document inside the frame a painting called Constance to smuggle it out of Germany without attracting attention. However, the artwork gets stolen and is lost to the group for many years. Olivia ended up purchasing it at an auction house in New York in the ‘80s. The plan is that Team Splinter needs to borrow it, make a copy, and return it before 80s Olivia buys it that way the Monkeys is not alerted of their plans and they’ll finally have an edge. Jennifer poses as her mother to get them inside the auction house though the situation goes downhill from there. Cole and Cassie end up needing to sneak into the place at night in order to catch the painting before it went on sale the following morning. Jennifer and Deacon serve as a distraction but 80s Olivia herself shows up. The stressed primary begins to bid on everything, calling attention to herself and also draws her father and young Jennifer to the scene. However, she ends up saving the day by getting her hands on the map and makes photocopies before they are retrieved back to 2046. She even protects Cole and Cassie’s secret by “accidentally” copying her handprint on the section that talks about the house of cedar and pine.
First Gathering of the Faithful
Using the word of The Witness photocopies, Cole and Cassie head to 1953 and seek the help of FBI agent Robert Gale again (we last saw him in season 2 where he helped Cassie, Cole, and Ramse but died in the process). They enlist his assistance in finding the first gathering of the faithful in Hope Valley, an event listed on the document. Gale figures out that there has to be a main salesman for the Monkeys so to speak that is recruiting people who have suffered loss through a string of disasters plaguing towns nearby. This mysterious figure that pops up during a sudden mining explosion turns out to be Christopher Lloyd! Setting herself up as bait, Cassie plays a grieving widow in a cemetery and channels the pain of losing her son and disconnecting from Cole as a way to convince PM and his father to give her an invitation. At first she goes in alone with Cole and Gale waiting for her in the car outside, but the FBI agent ends up knocking another attendee out and giving the time traveller the invitation instead. Within the tent we see the return of Scottie Thompson as the female messenger, she is the wife of the salesman and mother to the young Pallid Man.
First Look: The Witness as a Young Boy
Magdalena arrives with a young boy whom is introduced as The Witness. He seems to be about the same age as PM at this point. Cassie and Cole’s son begins to sketch and we discover that he is also primary, which is a no-brainer to lead a time travel organization like the Monkeys. He picks one woman from the attendees to be the 12th and then she is splintered away by one of the horsemen. The rest of the audience though isn’t so lucky. The Witness wears a gas mask and releases a gas bomb meant to kill all everyone at the gathering as he thanks them for their sacrifice. Magdalena, Sebastian, and The Witness splinter away.
Cole and Cassie Find Their Son’s Current Home
Still in the tent, the last horseman notices Cassie and Cole and tries to attack them but they are able to kill the man first. They use his vest to escape and it takes them to where/when The Witness is being kept by his guardians. The duo then splinters back to 2046 to regroup and Jones is able to study the vest.
Storming the Monkeys
In 2046, a plan is formulated where Jennifer, Cole, Deacon, Hannah, and Whitley will go back to the location where The Witness is located to kill him. But first they need to go Raritan National Laboratory to steal an EMP like device that will temporarily prevent the splinter vests from working. Jennifer and Cole get the device while Whitley and Deacon work on their get away car. Hannah in the meantime is at casa de Witness as a lookout. Once Team Splinter is together, they activate the device and enter guns blazing.
Cassie Needs Some Mom Time
Meanwhile Cassie convinces Jones to let her visit her own mother because of the conflicting feelings she’s been having knowing her son is about to be killed (though she doesn’t tell the scientist that). Dr. Railly is able to talk to her mom who is a prominent psychologist, in the guise of seeking her professional opinion on a document (the word of The Witness). Her mother says that it’s actually a very beautiful piece work and that it’s about a man expressing pain, love, anger and hope. The other Dr. Railly also says that it’s a story of what he hopes to be. Cassie convinces her mother to take her young daughter to the museum, and before she splinters back to the future her nose bleeds, signifying that something has changed in her timeline. However when she arrives back, Jones is furious after discovering the truth. Cassie is forced to grab the splinter vest and goes to save her boy.
Jones Discovers The Truth
Before Team Splinter (sans Cassie) left, Deacon told Jones that he felt that C and C were hiding something and so she herself goes to investigate. Traveling to 2007, the scientist discovers what really happened between Cole and Ramse. She ends up learning about the origins of The Witness as the two men argue in front of the community center in New Jersey.
Pandemonium at Casa De Witness
At casa de Witness, it’s a bloodbath as Team Splinter killed most of the inhabitants of the house. Jennifer is the first one to come upon the young boy with Sebastian (one of the horsemen) and she lets them go. Jennifer and The Witness have a conversation out of time where she says that he’s better than her and he says that she’s going to be the best out of all of them. Cole finally comes upon his son and his guardian and he shoots the horseman in the leg and shoulder even as the other man protests that his kid doesn’t want to do the things he has been foretold to do (he had also been hiding drawings of Cole pointing a gun that The Witness drew from Magdalena). Eventually Cole is unable to kill his kid because he stares into his eyes.
Cassie arrives and is blocked by Magdalena from entering the house. They fight and the doctor is able to trigger the self-destruct mechanism on the vest, bye bye Maggie! Meanwhile Deacon enters the room and Cole comes in between him and his kid. Just as the ScavKing is about to fire, Cassie shoots him from behind and then Sebastian splinters himself and The Witness away. However before they depart, Cassie able to tell her son that his name is Athan.
Cole gives Jennifer his injection to send an injured Hannah back to 2046. Cassie and him take the splinter vests from the dead horsemen and go rogue to save their son from Team Splinter and the Monkeys.
Back at the facility, Deacon and Jones team up with a new common goal, to kill Cole, Cassie, and their son.
Final Thoughts
It’s amazing how alliances can quickly shift as Cole and Cassie’s roles as parents makes finding a way to save their son their main priority even as they know what he may grow up to become. Dr. Railly’s trip to see her mother (Kathryn Railly – who incidentally is a psychologist and the same name of the originally Railly in the 12 Monkeys film) and how the other woman said that you never give up on family solidified her resolve to save her child no matter what is something that Jones should understand since she had been fighting that fight herself since the beginning.
Speaking of Jones, her teaming up with Deacon after their shared feelings of betrayal is interesting because her ruthless side is coming out even more so. Deacon’s been struggling with finding a place in the story but after his conversation with Olivia it seems that he’s accepted that he’s a killer. He ends up shooting innocent people at casa de Witness even after they’ve given up, telling Jennifer that he’s not a good guy.
In episodes 6 and 7 we finally also got to see the life of the young boy who is to grow up as the prophet of the 12 Monkeys. He shows defiance against Magdalena and doesn’t want to do the things he is supposed to do, such as kill all those people at the first gathering of the faithful. We also see that not all the horsemen are like Magdalena as Sebastian truly seeks to protect the boy from harm. He hides the drawing The Witness makes of Cole with a gun from his superior in order to keep him safe knowing that the other guardian would do something terrible. When the father finally stares into his son’s eyes he doesn’t see evil there but a scared child and he is unable to shoot the boy. The whole idea of nature vs. nurture seems to have nurture winning as the Witness wasn’t born evil and through having kind teacher like Sebastian, he hasn’t yet turned out to be fanatical leader of the 12 Monkeys.
Tomorrow is the final night of season 3 and it’s certainly going to get even crazier with Cole and Cassie going rogue and friends now become enemies. Who will survive to the end? We’ll find out soon enough!
12 MONKEYS -- "Mother" Episode 301 -- Pictured: Amanda Schull as Cassandra Railly -- (Photo by: Ben Mark Holzberg/Syfy)
Spoilers through season 3, episodes 1-4 of 12 Monkeys
12 Monkeys season three picks up with Cole scouring the world in 2163, planting beacons in an attempt to get any whiff of Titan’s temporal signature in order to find Dr. Cassandra Railly. At the end of the last season, the gambit to go to Titan and kill the Witness had been a trap to get Cassie to the facility as she is carrying the child who would grow up to be the leader of the 12 Monkeys one day.
Cole is determined to locate his ladylove even though Jones and the others argue that it’s a lost cause and he needs to let it go and focus on the mission (to discover Titan’s true purpose and stop the Witness). To the chrononaut however it’s the same thing. He begs Jones to let him do this because the last beacon he placed picked up something and if there’s any chance whatsoever he’s going to take it. The scientist reluctantly agrees but says that Hannah must go with him.
Cole and Hannah splinter to 2163 and are able to locate the beacon but the battery appears to be dead. She is ready to go back but he refuses to and just as they get into an argument, the instrument lights up again and begins to omit a sound. Looks like it’s locked onto Titan’s signature and Cole is ready to go follow it. Unfortunately his companion thinks they need to go back to the facility and formulate a real plan, but he insists that it’s just going to disappear again if he doesn’t chase it now. The two fight and he manages to stab her with the instant tether splintering her back to their present. Using the beacon, he is able to find Titan at last, taking him one step closer to Cassie.
Our first look of the doctor is inside her room that is covered with red foliage within the time traveling city. She is dressed in a red dress and is very pregnant. Cassie is urged to eat by a kind handmaiden who has been raised in Titan. Then we meet the formidable 12 Monkeys sister, Magdalena, played by the talented Hannah Waddingham, whom many may know as Septa Unella from Game of Thrones. She is a terribly imposing figure who tells Cassie that she should be honored that the Witness chose her as his vessel. They also have a creepy conversation on how the mother isn’t just the person giving birth to the child but the one who gives comfort and love. Well that isn’t foreboding at all.
Meanwhile Cole is running through a forest to reach Titan when a mysterious man appears in front of him (with his face covered) wearing a strange looking vest that lights up. They begin to battle and just as Cole is about to punch the other dude the guy vanishes only to reappear behind. More punches are thrown and the time traveller is able to kick mysterious man in the nuts and who then disappears again.
Back at Titan, Pallid Man is made aware that Cole is nearby and so he is forced to change their plans and postpone Cassie’s/Mother’s unveiling. Speaking of which, she is en-route to the Red Theater with her handmaidens when the lead girl Arianne hears the bells tolling indicating that Titan is about to splinter. She instructs that they need to go back to the room and the small group begins to make their way. Seizing the moment, Cassie uses a butterfly hair pin and stabs two of the girls and then pleads with Arianne to help her get home and she promised that she would also help her get back to her family. The younger woman agrees and shows her an exit. Sadly other members of the 12 Monkeys stand in their way of exiting the facility. But then Cole arrives the two lovers see each other in what probably feels like ages. Just as he is about to barge in to save her, the mysterious vest man appears and he takes Cole with him.
The two men end up at the Emerson, but its overgrown with foliage so it still must be the future. The other man finally reveals himself to be….FUTURE COLE. That’s right, take it all in.
Future Cole: That’s right take it all in. Greetings asshole, I’m future asshole.
The two Coles converse where future Cole tells regular Cole that he needs to find Jennifer because she is the key to saving everything. Locked up inside her brain is the answer to the plague, Titan, Ethan, Jin, The Witness, all of it. Whoopsies, did future Cole just reveal their son’s name? Lastly he tells Cole that he’s going to need to brush up on his French.
Speaking of Jennifer she’s still stuck in 1917 just as the Germans are making their way through the trench she finds herself in. She breaks into 99 Luftballons because that’s the only German she knows and momentarily imagines she’s in a pleasant music video instead of violent World War I. Thankfully her impromptu song prevents the German soldiers from killing her and they determine that she is American and seems crazy AF. Jennifer suddenly gets visions of four people wearing the same vest as future Cole and realizes that everything begins here in the past and that she’s got to tell her friends.
Back at Titan, Cassie finds her way to the upper section of the Red Theater. She is desperate and is ready to do anything to prevent the 12 Monkeys from getting her son. Nearby Magdalena and Mallick try to convince her not to jump, but she makes up her mind that she would rather die with her child than allow him to grow up to be The Witness. As she is falling, Magdalena reveals that she is also wearing a splinter vest and goes back in time to warn her past self of Cassie’s future plans then clicks a button on the device that automatically burns herself to prevent a paradox (and have only one version of Magdalena in existence). Dr. Railly wakes up to find herself back at breakfast with her nose bleeding, since she has Katarina’s injections, time moves around her and she retains knowledge of what happened in the now non-existent future timeline.
At the Emerson, the Coles are still chatting and future Cole says that this is going to be a long fight and he’s only half way there. He also tells past him that he’s going to have to forgive himself for what he’s done and what he’s going to have to do. Ominous much? Future Cole also explains that he wears Cassie’s watch because somehow somewhere it means that he’ll always find his way back to her. Lastly he gives past Cole an article showing that Jennifer is in 1922. As the other him goes back in time, an older Cassie appears and sits down next to her counterpart and says that he knows there’s another way. However, future Cole argues that no there isn’t. Now what could that be all about?
In 2044 Cole tells Jones that they need to find Jennifer and that he knows Cassie is not the mission.
At Titan, four months after Cassie’s attempted escape, she is in a bathtub while in labor surrounded by 12 Monkeys senior members. Magdalena channels Septa Unella but instead of saying shame, she’s saying push, push, push! For a split second Cassie sees the grown up Witness behind the devote woman telling her to push as well. Then we hear the cries of a newly born baby.
Episode 302: Guardians
The episode opens with the four horsemen (wearing their bowler hats) appearing in 1921 Paris carrying between them a steel container with Titan’s symbol emblazoned on top. Meanwhile Jennifer is still stuck there as well, trying to send a message to Team Splinter on her time and location so that they can come get her. She ends up convincing a theater owner to let her perform her fantastical one-man plays to entertain Parisians. She performs Charlie Chaplin, E.T., Alien, and Jaws. Finally in 1922 she does a play on the saga of the 12 Monkeys, except it doesn’t do so well with the crowds and the theater manager refuses to let her continue.
She’s understandably pissed because the play needs to be a hit so that it can get recorded in history books, which will then be big enough of a beacon for Cole and the others to get her. Unfortunately, one of the four horsemen finds her instead and he says that she’s not supposed to be here. Jennifer retorts neither should he and collapses a bunch of boxes onto him before running out of her dressing room. Thankfully, Jones and Cole arrive in the nick of time, shooting the man before he can stab her.
The three catch up on what’s been going on where Jennifer explains that she’s been stuck in Paris for five years and she can’t believe that it’s taken them this long to find her. Cole only appears to be interested in finding out what info she has on Titan, Cassie, and Ramse and completely disregards her well being since he didn’t even ask her how she survived World War I. Jennifer explains to Jones that she had to use a pseudonym because she didn’t want the horsemen to find her. Speaking of him, the scientist examines the vest and determines that it is splinter technology and something very important must be happening to the 12 Monkeys for them to send these four to this time.
That would of course be the birth of their prophet The Witness at long last. Cassie wakes up in bed having been sedated and her child gone. Mallick (played by Faran Tahir) enters and agrees to take her to see her son. He leads her to a chamber that is an omage to The Witness. The plague doctor mask is on a pedestal at the center with other objects circling it in the room, including a gramophone, a grandfather clock, the word of The Witness (that we’ve seen a bunch of times before), and a pocket watch that disappears all of a sudden once Cassie and Mallick have their backs turned. The man tries to convince her that she must love the man her son is going to become although he then reveals that he’s offering his help to her. Apparently there are some divisions in the Monkey ranks and Mallick says that he’ll aid her escape when the time is right because otherwise if she stays she’ll be killed now that the witness is no longer inside her. She agrees to accept his help but pleads to see her child still even just for a moment. He nods and tells her to follow him.
We skip to 2046 where Ramse is still with Olivia. They are sitting around a fire pit where Ramse is complaining that he wants to leave at night but the former 12 Monkeys leader says that they are in the territory of a group called the Exiles who operate in the dark and they don’t have the numbers to take them. We find out that Olivia found Sam 23 years ago and that Ramse is supposed to be reunited with him at long last tomorrow. They had been traveling cross-country in order to do this but he’s lost patience with all of her delays. When they finally arrive at the camp, the see the aftermath of a battle with the army of the 12 Monkeys and Sam has been critically injured. Olivia sees a knife stabbed on a treat with a note on it, as she reads it her face looks alarmed. Could she be in cahoots with Mallick and he just sent her word about the Witness’s birth (since we don’t know what year exactly Titan was at when Cassie went into labor).
Sam indeed has grown up but is laying in a cot with terrible injuries. He recognizes his father and tells him that Ramse will always be ageless to him. The son tells his dad that they’ve both outlived their cycles and that he was where he was meant to be. Olivia couldn’t bring him to Ramse in 2023 because he was only nineteen years old and would have been a burden. The older man tells him that he can go back to Jones and undo this but Sam doesn’t want him to do that and explains that they weren’t meant to be this. He wants his dad to save him and the world by stopping The Witness. Ramse agrees and then his kid pleads for help to end his life. Way to stick a knife in my chest because this is such a heartbreaking scene. Kirk Acevedo is slaying so hard and is acting the hell out of this. Ramse keeps saying he can’t do it but Sam asks his dad to please make the pain stop and the other man is undone. He gently puts his hands on his son’s mouth and nose and suffocates him to death. My heart is just dying because Ramse had been driven to protect and save his son for so long and now he has to be the one to end his life due to tragic circumstances. This may foreshadow similar circumstances that Cassie and Cole will have to endure with their own child.
Returning to 1922, Jennifer (who’s split up from Jones and Cole) follow one of the four horsemen into a building where her other two compatriots also find themselves at via the ID on the dead 12 Monkeys member. Jones and Cole are flanked in the hallway with two of the other horsemen with their guns drawn but Jennifer appears to cause a distraction and Team Splinter is able to fire their shots before the monkeys, though both Jones and Cole get hit (in the shoulder and leg respectively). Cole goes inside the apartment to find the last horsemen and to get the Titan box.
At the same time, we see scenes from Titan where Mallick leads Cassie back to the Red Theater where a different ritual is being enacted. We discover that Magdalena is leading the four horsemen and it is her son that is being carried in the box. The Witness is being transported back to different time periods as he grows up so that he will be safe. This is what Magdalena meant when she was telling Cassie that she wasn’t really The Witness’s mother because she Magdalena is the one who will actually raise him. Cue the horrified screams!
Upon coming closer to the box Cole gets shot by Magdalena, the woman telling him that he isn’t going to die today and she then goes back in time to warn her past self that Team Splinter will find them and that they must now change their plans. The timeline gets reset with Cole and Jones finding themselves back at their starting point a day ago. This time Cole greets Jennifer properly and tells her that he needs her and that there are here to take her home.
At the facility debrief Jones explains to Adler, Lasky and the other scientists what happened and what they are up against, but it doesn’t seem like they’ve made the connection that the child the horsemen were guarding is The Witness. Katarina simply thinks that it’s a weapon based on Jennifer’s prophesy. Jones leaves the decision of sending Ms. Goines back to 2016 or having her stay with them up to him, however he decides that it should really be Jennifer’s choice. He asks her what she wants to do and of course she chooses to stay and be a part of the team. She also says that she knows how they can find Cassie and takes his hand up to the splinter machine’s light, asking if he can feel his ladylove. But then a perimeter breech alarm goes off and Cole goes to join Whitley to see what’s going on. And well look who’s arrived, its Ramse with Olivia as prisoner.
Episode 303: Enemy
Jones brings up a good point that they don’t know which Ramse they are currently facing. Is it the grieving father, the loyal brother, or the man who spent decades taking orders from Olivia. The two are allowed into the facility with Ramse taken to one of the confinement rooms and a new cell built for Olivia. Jennifer warns that the other woman is a chameleon and she is would never be somewhere she didn’t want to be at.
The scientist first meets with Ramse to try and figure out what his game is. He tells her that he’s hand delivered their enemy’s enemy and explained that Olivia broke off with the 12 Monkeys in 2016 and they’ve been after each other ever since. He also relays Sam’s death and that all he wants is to get The Witness. While the emotions are certainly genuine, this could be a tactic of Ramse’s to distract Jones from what he and Olivia are planning given that she is a mother herself and understands his pain. However he points out that she got her daughter back while he’s lost his son twice.
Meanwhile Cole goes to see Olivia and their conversation is an interesting one. Cole keeps asking her where Titan is but she knows that he is wants information on Cassie’s location. Olivia then goes into a rant about how they left her behind to be fed to The Witness and she believed his lies about a world without pain only to be put in another box. She asks him to think about all the times they could have killed him but didn’t and why is that? Cole is super confused but we know its because his genetic material was needed by The Witness duh. In the other room Jones realizes that Olivia was Kirschner’s test subject and tells Adler to get DNA samples from her so that they can run tests.
In Titan, we flashback to the last scene with Deacon and Jennifer as he apologizes for killing her and then tells her to run while he valiantly takes on the enemy. Amazingly, the ScavKing SURVIVES yet again. This guy must have nine lives because he has been severely beaten so many times. Deacon deserves a raise folks for sheer will to survive. Mallick rescues him and stitches his wounds up, saying that he is a secret being kept from friends and enemies alike. You know that this is somehow got to be a part of his plan to help Cassie in some way. ScavKing is being kept in a secret room and fed little, but slowly he begins to regain his strength. However, he also is hallucinating and talking to his dead father who is a complete douchebag.
In 2046, Jones herself goes to talk to Olivia and the other woman finally says that she wants to go back to a time where she is free of both The Witness and them. In exchange she will give them The Witness. Jones isn’t just going to say yes though and asks why she left the 12 Monkeys. Olivia responds that she was lied to and that’s the reason she parted ways with them. She pushes the scientist too far by taunting her that Hannah has found another mother and that she was more interested in building the time machine than her own daughter. In retaliation Jones puts her in the machine, using it as a torture device. However, this does not break Olivia and Hannah intervenes by putting a knife against Lasky. As the mother and daughter argue Cole takes matters into his own hands and asks the scientists for the coldest darkest room they’ve got. He and Olivia go back in time to three months ago and leaves her in the room returning to their present. Cole and Jones go downstairs and find Olivia there (who has eaten rats to survive) and the former 12 Monkeys member seems broken enough to tell them about The Witness now. Hannah tells her mother that she knows she’s more than the horrible stories she’s heard about her and it prompts the scientist to show Olivia compassion by cleaning the blood from her.
Ramse in the meantime gets two visitors. First Jennifer comes by and gives him two of Sam’s old toys and tells him that she’s sorry for his son’s death, leading him to tell her that you’ve got to be a little crazy to be human. Finally Cole comes and the two hug it out.
Olivia tells them that the horsemen are teachers and protectors meant to raise The Witness in the chaos of history. She also confirms that they can’t win against them because everything they do the four can undo. Olivia continues by saying that they can only stop The Witness in the past. They will have a single chance when he will be most vulnerable and only she can tell them when and where.
Ramse and Cole end up at their usual outdoor spot to chat about whether they can trust Olivia’s intel. Ramse argues that all they’ve got is the lie and that if there’s a chance they can end it they should take it. It’s one last ride back to 2007 where they will face their enemy who will supposedly be surrounded by many followers. This heart to heart is much like many others they’ve had but this time Jose says no matter what future happens James will always be his family. Despite the many ups and downs they’ve gone through, the two genuinely love each other and it’s just been a tragedy that they’ve had to be on opposite sides because of their love for other people. Love is a powerful thing.
Jennifer tries to warn Cole that she’s getting a bad feeling with his and Ramse’s mission and that he shouldn’t go. We flashback to Olivia and Ramse’s conversation before they arrive at the facility and she explains that Cole and Cassie are the parents of the Witness. He says that for their plan to work she will need to take a beating and she said she’ll manage it. So it was all orchestrated and well acted. Their true goal is to go back in time to kill Dr. Railly.
In 2163, Deacon’s conversations with dead dad is proving cathartic for him as he is able to face his innermost demon and admit all the things he has hated in his life. We find out that a part of him believes that the only reason he’s survived is because of the horrible things his father did to him and his family that’s toughened him up. Deacon is also finally let go the fear that he’s become his old man and he has not climbed up the ranks to be my new favorite character on the show. As the figment of his imagination disappears, a very real Mallick enters and tells him that it’s time. He follows a set of directions provided to him by the 12 Monkeys elder and kills two guards posted outside a nondescript door. Inside he finds Cassie who is relieved to see a familiar face and they proceed to get out of dodge.
Episode 304: Brothers
Episode four begins with a flashback to young Cole and Ramse scavenging for food. James looks to be 12 or 13 and Jose around 16 or 17. They come upon a library that looks abandoned, the older boy wants to wait until morning to check it out but the other is starving and wants to scope it out now. Headstrong as always, Cole goes ahead and approaches the front door of the building only to be suddenly grabbed by another plague survivor hiding inside a minivan. Beware minivans ladies and gentlemen.
We cut to the Emerson in 2007, the two men are having a drink and Cole can’t help but feel that this is too easy. He asks Ramse why Olivia would betray the monkeys when she’s been with them her whole life and is the reason why she even has a life. The other man reasserts though that they took everything from her and that’s why she’s against them now. Still Cole isn’t fully convinced and rightfully so. Unfortunately he’s trusting Jose to tell him that this isn’t a set up since he ought to know having spent all those years with Olivia himself.
In 2046, Jennifer is asleep on the machine chair dreaming about churches and dead bodies. Adler rudely wakes up her, stating that this room is not a dormitory. But being near the machine helps her see through time and space! Instead of going back to sleep, she begins to sketch a number of different images: an ouroboros, hands, feet, and a dead body facing down. She falls asleep again and gets woken up by Jones instead, who is annoyed that her evidence room now closely resembles a portrait studio. The scientist asks who the image of the dead person is but unfortunately the primary has no idea.
She takes another nap and this time she sees Cassie and Cole’s faces on the dead bodies, which prompts her to talk to Olivia. Jennifer confronts the other woman, saying that she stabbed her and pushed her into a pool but she didn’t break and then all of a sudden three months in a dark room and she breaks wide open. The primary rightfully claims that she thinks Olivia is unbreakable and this makes her uncomfortable. Of course she pins the tail on the donkey that because of the former 12 Monkeys member, Cole is on a mission and she’s suddenly getting nightmares of someone dying. She gets her daughters to point their guns at Olivia while she deactivates the electricity and goes inside the pen, asking the other woman to tell her a story to make the bad dreams go away. However, Olivia is still unwilling to give her any answers. Frustrated, Jennifer calls her out on her BS, knowing that there are always plans within plans and lies to cover other lies. Triggered, Pallid Man’s sister lunges at the primary, saying that they couldn’t all be like her. That’s when Jennifer remembers the map. She realizes that Olivia is scared that if the mission fails, the word of The Witness is her one bargaining chip because it contains the entire timeline of her former leader.
Changing gears to 2007, Cole and Ramse look for the dad of an old West VII buddy for some firepower. Back then the man Otero was a gunrunner and had operated his business behind a bakery. The plan is simple, ambush the gunrunners as they are loading up a truck full of weapons, except of course that doesn’t quite work out. They end up having their backs against one side of the truck with the goons on the other side. Ramse says that if things go wrong they should meet up at the Emerson. Cole nods and takes out two of the men but them the other time traveller is nowhere to be seen. Where oh where could he have gone?
Cole heads back to their room at the Emerson but its empty. His buddy is at a hospital, waiting for Cassie to show up so that he can kill her. Posing as an ER admin, he makes a call to have her paged and sent down to help see to patients. We see a blonde haired doctor come down to talk to another attendee though we never glimpse her face. Ramse tries to edge his way closer to her but two cops enter the ER and he tries not to look suspicious, which is a pretty hard thing to do since most people in there are actually supposed to be there. Blondie goes into a restricted area but luckily for him another staffer opens the door and he is able to slip in unnoticed. He stalks the doctor down the corridor and then shoots her in the back twice. Except it’s not Cassie. Well damn, he just committed murder and it wasn’t even the right person.
Upon returning to the Emerson, Ramse tells Cole a weak ass story about how he was chasing the other guy, they get into a scuffle and then he got lost. Riiiiight. But unexpectedly the other time traveller thinks that he went to go see his mother. Going with it, Ramse says that his mom didn’t say anything because he never went in. Just being close enough to knock on the door was good enough. Pouncing on this line of thought, he tells Cole that he should go spend a couple of hours to go see Cassie. Preying on the other man’s feelings, he attempts to use it to discover Dr. Railly’s location since the hospital plan backfired. Cole puts it out of his mind though explaining that she has enough to deal with at the moment since in the winter of ’07 there was an outbreak at a community center in New Jersey. He goes as far as naming the actual place and Ramse drops the issue having gotten the intel he needed.
Sometime later, he tells Cole that he’s having doubts and that this very well could be a trap. He suggests that he gets dropped off some distance from the compound (where The Witness will be) and he’ll check it out on foot. If he’s ambushed he’ll fire two shots so that Cole can come as backup. When night hits they drive over and as they are at the rest stop, James asks if Ramse is sure he wants to do this. By this he means splitting up, to which the other chrononaut responds that it’s the only way and it’s about time they set things straight. As Cole drives away, he steals another car and heads over to the community center.
Once he gets there all seems quiet and the door is locked. A familiar voice behind him says she’s not coming and toss it (the gun). Cole tells Ramse that he gave chance after chance for him to come clean with the truth but he never did. Turns out that the community center was the place Ramse had saved him when they were boys from the earlier flashback. But the other man says that he never noticed the sign because he was too busy saving Cole’s life yet again. That time had also been when Ramse had first called him brother. This moment between the two get even more intense as James finally finds out that he is the father of The Witness and that his friend came back to kill Cassie so that she would never give birth to their child.
Ramse asks Cole to let him kill his woman to save seven billion lives but of course he says hell no. The other man gets a shot out and they chase each other through the woods. It begins to snow and the scene jumps from 2007 to 2027 where in both moments they are running through the same woods. Eventually Cole is able to shoot the other in the shoulder and yells for him to stop but he keeps going. This has happened before and James has never been able to mortally wound his brother because of their history. However this time he fires two more rounds and Ramse goes down. Bleeding out, he tells Cole that they always try to do the right thing but end up doing in the wrong way. His finals words are don’t undo this, that his brother is now on his own and that they’ll see each other soon. Ugh this is what future Cole meant when he said that he had to forgive himself.
In grief, Cole drives to Virginia where 2007 Cassie currently is and in a parking lot he says to her that he knows he shouldn’t be here but he doesn’t think he can do this alone and that he needs her to come home. But they haven’t met yet and so she has no idea who he is. Altruistic as ever, she tells him that she’s going to get him some help but he is pulled back to 2046. Arriving back in the facility pissed as all hell, he goes into Olivia’s pen and puts a gun to her temple. She calmly tells him though that he needs her to find his son and that his secret was safe with her.
Back at Titan, Deacon and Cassie are making their way to an exit and ScavKing explains that Mallick gave him directions for them to get out of there. Amazingly too, he’s the one who knows that they are currently in 2047 and that the compound is going to splinter soon. Their secret helper and Pallid Man find the dead guards in Cassie’s room and PM orders him to find Dr. Railly. The twosome nearly make it to the exit but are barred by more guards posted. Just as Titan’s ominous bells begin to toll, they attack and Cassie is vicious. They manage to kill all of the sentinels when Mallick himself appears with two more. But he ends up stabbing both his guys and tells them to go. Before letting Cassie leave though, he grabs her arms and says to find her son. What does he know that we don’t?? The two jump out just in time.
Pallid Man ponders his options and he reveals that there is indeed unrest amongst their people. He considers splintering back to prevent Cassie’s escape but Mallick suggests that altering Titan’s timeline could have serious consequences. Besides, The Witness is to return to them soon and that they should focus everyone’s attention on that and not let it be known of the Mother’s disappearance. PM eventually agrees though then says that he must get rid of everyone who handled her imprisonment, except for Mallick of course. Me thinks M needs to start considering his own options.
Cassie and Deacon make their way back to the facility to find it completely destroyed. This is not good. With a stroke of luck though, the ScavKing notices an image of a red butterfly painted on a concrete slab that wasn’t there before. Cassie thinks it’s a sign (because Cole gave her a butterfly) and begins to dig around the area, believe that she was meant to find something. Indeed they unearth a kit with two tether injections to take them back.
As they return to 2046, Deacon arrives first followed by Cassie who is greeted by Cole (himself just fresh from 2007). They hug and as they stare into the other’s eyes, he tries to tell her that he knows without speaking the words. She nods, understanding that he at last knows the truth behind The Witness as well.
Final Thoughts
Is Ramse truly dead? But there have been so many near deaths that he’s got to make to the fourth season somehow.
Cole and Ramse’s relationship has gone through so many ups and downs that it’s so sad it had to end this way (or maybe its really not the end yet!)
If the Witness is killed wouldn’t Olivia’s own existence be erased? Doesn’t she care anymore about that?
Magdalena is one scary villain, if she continues to raise the Witness no wonder he is as diabolical as he seems to be.
What do all the other 12 Monkeys minion do in Titan? It’s kind of like the Death Star except a time machine.
What is Olivia’s real game? Why does she want to be at the facility? Jennifer’s right that she’s always exactly where she wants to be.
The second night of the season 3 12 Monkeys binge event continues tomorrow May 20. Until then!
Season 3 Episode 7: “Dirt Nap Time”
Original Air Date: May 16, 2017
This week on iZombie, Liv is unbearable on “preschool teacher” brain.
It pains me to admit this, because I really love this show, but I am becoming increasingly bored with the plotline of iZombie.
Brain of the Week:
Victim: Jamie Brennan, a womanizing pre-school teacher who was sleeping with the moms of his students, is murdered via an automatic nail gun.
This was the first time that I actually gagged while watching Liv prepare her Cuisine de Brain. She made a PB and Jelly sandwich with an additional layer of brain spread (I even had difficulty writing it out, that is how gross it was).
Besides the gross PB&J+B, my biggest issue with “Dirt Nap Time” was Liv’s portrayal of the preschool teacher brain. Once Liv consumes the brains she is in full on preschool teacher mode with everyone she meets. In every interaction, regardless of their age, she treats them as though they are children. She makes a sock puppet while talking to a witness and even gives a suspect a time out for being rude during an interrogation. We get it iZombie, Liv ate the brain of a preschool teacher. The issue with this though is that Jamie Brennan wasn’t only a preschool teacher. Just because someone is a preschool teacher does not mean they treat everyone like a toddler. My sister is a preschool teacher and she rarely uses her teacher voice on me. Mr. Brennan had successfully courted multiple adult females. Presumably, he would have needed to function like an adult human being in order for this to occur. I think the fact that all of the Mr. Brennan’s bed buddies were completely weirded out by Liv’s behavior suggests that he did not talk to adults like they were three-year-olds.
Another mind-boggling aspect of this “Brain of the Week” was that Mr. Brennan was killed because he was a womanizer, not because he was a preschool teacher. It was Jamie’s philandering ways that got him murdered. Why didn’t Liv have any womanizing traits after she consumed the brain? Liv didn’t try to hit on any girls the entire episode. If she had, believe me, this “Brain of the Week” section would read very differently.
It doesn’t really matter for the story at all, but Mr. Brennan was killed by the husband of a woman he was sleeping with.
Peyton:
Peyton is the prosecutor on the Dominatrix case from two episodes ago. Even though she is the prosecution, and the defendant plead guilty, she finds the case a bit fishy. So, when Weckler’s suggests that his client gave a false confession, and asks to strike a deal, Peyton is ready to play ball. The deal on the table is this: Weckler gives up the missing video footage from the sex dungeon and he will get a lighter sentence. Just as Weckler is about to agree to the deal a high-powered attorney swoops in and whispers sweet nothings into Weckler’s ear, prompting him to fire his current lawyer. Weckler’s new hot shot lawyer then tells Peyton that there “is no tape” after “reaffirming” his client’s guilt.
Then next day the James Weckler is found dead in his prison cell after committing suicide.
Blaine:
With Blaine’s deception now out in the open, he has lost the support of Peyton and Team Z. Now he is just sad, depressed, and lonely. He no longer feels joy while lounge singing at the bar or while packing his Zombie Brain Lunch Boxes for his business.
He is a shell of the man he used to be, or the man he was pretending he used to be, or the man he never was. One of those descriptions is probably right. So when Donnie and his boys break into the funeral home to steal Blaine’s brain business, he shows no resistance. His ever present self-preservation mode kicks into gear though when his father’s bodyguard gets ready to execute him and he offers the big guy a bunch of money in exchange for his life.
Major and Justin
Although Major is now human he is still working for the all zombie FG army. He tries to hide his humanity from his troop, but his new best bud Justin figures it out. Two major things tipped Justin off about Major’s newfound humanity: 1) Major keeps declining Justin’s offer to eat goobily glop tub brains 2) he heard Liv and Ravi talk about giving him the Zombie cure when Justin brought Major to the morgue. When Justin points out how dangerous it is to be a human fighting in a zombie army when no one knows that he is a human, Major responds with “Well who else is going to hire a formerly suspected serial killer.” Here is my question, are there no other jobs that he could take at Fillmore Graves? I mean they run an entire CAMPUS. Who is keeping up their landscaping? Major has experience working with youth, why not have him work with the Zombie kids? There are SO MANY OPTIONS!
Meanwhile, Justin is crushing on Liv and asks Major to set them up. Major obliges and Justin and Liv spend an entire night drinking and talking about their lives during their stakeout/date at The Scratching Post.
It is cute. I have wanted them to get together since Justin first showed up. As cute as they are, I can’t help but feel bad for Major. While he loves Liv, he knows that as long as he is human and she is a Zombie, they can’t be together. I just want to make a quick plea to the iZombie writers room. Please, please, please, please, don’t let Justin be the third (4th if you count Major) love interest of Liv’s to die!
Also
Harley Johns and his anti-Zombie militia buddy caught Justin Zombie-ing out on camera
We still do not know who stole the Zombie cure
Who do you think is behind the Dominatrix false confession set-up? I am starting to think that FG and the Zombie Mayor are somehow involved. Would love to hear your thoughts!
Before I dive into the 12 Monkeys Season 3 review, I need to address the giant elephant in the room – The Binge Weekend.
Syfy’s 12 Monkeys made a splash earlier this year when the network announced all ten episodes of the third season would air over the course of a single weekend. It’s a risky and unprecedented move from the network, especially since 12 Monkeys hails as one of Syfy’s flagship series. Unlike Netflix, who have the luxury of their own platform where they can dump an entire season of a show at once, Syfy’s gamble aims to have viewers tune in for three hours each night of the weekend. If you miss out on a night, the episodes will be available online the next day.
Does Syfy’s attempt at a binge weekend actually work as a concept? Absolutely.
Syfy has found a way to address Netflix’s issue of discussing a new season on the weekend of release. Recently, my wife and I ran into issues trying to discuss Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why with family and friends because everyone was watching at a different pace. No one wants to be the person who spoils the show for another person.
By setting dates and times to episodes, Syfy allows for a specific end point where fans who decided to participate in the binge weekend can discuss what they have just watched. And trust me, fans who are watching live on Sunday, May 21 will collectively lose their minds as the clock strikes 11 PM.
Now onto the review.
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12 Monkeys Season 3 Review
Picking up months later, the opening hour of the third season of 12 Monkeys finds James Cole jumping through time across the planet in search for Cassie, who was taken captive aboard Titan, the time-traveling city that serves as the headquarters of the Army of the 12 Monkeys. It was in the final minutes of last season, with Cassie stranded on Titan, where it was revealed that her unborn child was, in fact, the series’ antagonist, The Witness.
The concept of family plays a big part when it comes to the birth and identity of the Witness. The Army of the 12 Monkeys plan to raise their messiah as the man who is destined to destroy time. Cole and Cassie, on the other hand, must come face to face with the thought of having to kill their child or possibly save him from his fate.
It’s this struggle that lays the groundwork for one of the best seasons of sci-fi television I’ve seen this year.
Loyalties and friendships are tested. Death shows its face time and time again. 12 Monkeys Season 3 is on a straight shot course towards the finish line with a confidence that is rarely seen on television. Episode after episode, it’s clear that the writers have their vision and they aren’t going to waste a minute of the time they have left when the series comes to an end next year with its fourth season. Too many times we’ve seen shows bog themselves in more questions and mythos *coughLostcoughBattlestarGalacticacough*, 12 Monkeys instead uses the pieces they’ve already established to craft their narrative as they head into the endgame.
This season you’ll get a better look at the Army of the 12 Monkeys and their hierarchy. Newcomer Hannah Waddingham delivers a fierce performance as Magdalena, a high-ranking member of the Army of the 12 Monkeys who is the assigned protector of The Witness. Waddingham serves as a menacing antagonist to Cole and Cassie as her methods to thwart their plans are among the most amusing and time bending we’ve seen yet.
While the season comes with a serious tone, there is still time for levity thanks to Emily Hampshire’s continuing incredible performance as Jennifer Goines. Her antics include a musical number to 99 Red Balloons, time-travel plagiarism in the greatest form, and an episode revolved her plan for a heist. For fans looking for a bit of romance, there are some touching moments shared between Cassie and Cole as well.
One of the greatest achievements 12 Monkeys accomplishes this season is to tell the story that it sought out to tell. It’s immediately clear that this was a season not worried about cancellation (though if it was canceled, it would probably have been the worst cliffhanger for a show to ever go out on in television). The third season is filled with spectacular standout episodes with Brothers, Nurture, and Thief. All this leads up to Witness, which is filled with non-stop twist and turns. You’ll be left kicking yourself for not seeing all the pieces of the puzzle the writers have laid out over the course of the series. By the time the credits roll on the season finale on Sunday night, most of you will likely join me in finding a way to splinter ourselves to the 12 Monkeys Season 4 premiere date.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 5 “The Beast of Hollow Mountain” Available on Netflix GRADE: A-
If you wanna look on the bright side, “The Beast of Hollow Mountain” is kinda like Marvel’s “The Avengers” in that both films take forever to get to the good part. But then, unlike “The Avengers”, this film continues to suck on toast. “Beast” stars Guy Madison as Jimmy, a cowboy who doesn’t listen to anyone, doesn’t care about anything but cattle and attempts to bed the town’s most beautiful woman, Sarita (Patricia Medina) — who’s already engaged to another man, whose ass Jimmy is forced to kick and emasculate because the man is rightfully jealous of Jimmy. There’s also talk of cattle and buying cattle and moving cattle. And how Hollow Mountain is “cursed” but nobody actually knows what the curse is besides local morons wandering into quicksand. Turns out the truth is even more dull. I’d yell “spoiler alert” but, frankly, 1) that phrase is overused, 2) this movie is over 50 years old and 3) nobody cares. Let’s be honest: nobody’s ever heard of the flick until now. And if you’re claiming otherwise, you’re lying. It’s an Allosaurus with a tongue that whips around like a pin flag at Pebble Beach. The movie is perfect fodder for Jonah and the Bots being a silly monster movie — even though the movie doesn’t show you the monster until about a good two hours into the thing. Though it’s terrible, it’s “good-bad”. It also holds the distinction of being 1) the first film to feature stop-motion special effects in color widescreen format and 2) the first film to ever showcase dinosaurs and cowboys in the same movie — all because the effects artist wanted to do a film about cowboys and dinosaurs. One out of two honors ain’t bad.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been saying that MST3K has been “decent but not great”. The actual “beast” doesn’t show up until nearly the final reel (much like last week’s “Avalanche”) but, instead of slow, inconsistent riffing on the characters, Jonah and the Bots let the movie have it, hitting jokes like the Warriors hit three-pointers. The film reminds me a lot, actually, of “This Island Earth” in that it’s actually visually-rich and beautiful to look at and features two fairly convincing leads in Guy Madison and Patricia Medina. And like “This Island Earth”, Madison and Medina end up overplaying their parts, coming across as a manly stereotype and a swooning female stereotype. So, it’s no wonder that the trio have fun going after Jimmy’s deep, manly voice or Sarita’s beauty (which, in the minds of Jonah and the Bots, causes Jimmy to stammer and say stupid things to “impress” her) and the various Mexican characters who are obviously what Americans think Mexicans are and what Mexico is. The movie is lighthearted and fun for the most part so that makes the episode flow well, too.
The sketches are really great this week. While the cold opening predictably dies (Jonah and the Bots have an art festival), the Invention Exchange is excellent. Jonah’s “Disco Cannon” (which shoots Disco Balls creating an instant disco “in any room”) is simple and hilarious, punctuated by Crow’s line, “Imagine how much better the Civil War would have been with one of these!” Kinga’s simple re-thinking of the Titanic tragedy (they would have survived if they had a firehose firing hot water at the iceberg) is well-played as is her pitch: “‘Iceberg dead ahead’? I DON’T THINK SO!” This is perfected with Max drinking from the hose after his workout and burning his mouth. Twice. Because he really IS TV’s Son of TV’s Frank.
The other sketches are also pretty great: Jonah asking the Bots to come up with their own monster movies, pushing Crow to make a formulaic, corporate thing with “Eddie Murphy playing all the monster’s family members” and Servo making a cerebral monster film where the monster is so depressed by his man-made condition that he takes his own life. Jonah asking for his “own movie sign” out of sheer depression is great. This is, unfortunately, followed up by a weak fashion show sketch where Crow, Gypsy and Jonah dress like characters from the film but culminates in a sketch that is nothing short of brilliant: Crow and Servo dress in Festival costumes from the film and dance around to creepy music while Jonah, Kinga and Max all freak out, wondering why the hell Crow and Servo won’t answer their demands to know what’s going on. The sketch is laugh-out-loud hilarious. The closing sketch, involving regular films made better with the presence of dinosaurs, is cute but rushed.
Given the fickle nature of most viewers and the cult-like status MST3K has achieved, it’s a relief that Mystery Science Theater 3000 recovered this week. Not only was the riffing fantastic, the host sequences are solid and Kinga and Max were in sync this time around and are given a lot more to do which is a win-win. It’s not a totally perfect episode but it’s next to “Cry Wilderness” as one of the best episodes of the MST3K revival.
As always, here are this week’s gems:
(The credits read “A United Artists release”) CROW: This movies wasn’t “released”, it ESCAPED!
(Three men are on horseback, riding into the foreground of the shot.) CROW: I guess this is only three-quarters of an apocalypse.
(Pleasant music plays as a young boy sits with a horse outside a cantina.) SERVO: Well, THAT movie’s over! Time to start another one…
(A drunken man stumbles out of the cantina.) JONAH (as the drunk man): “Kick ME out of the cantina?! Greedo shot FIRST! You ALL saw it!”
(The drunk man pesters his son who is waiting outside the bar.)
MAN: Your father is NOT a drunkard…he drinks to forget your Mommy who is in heaven! JONAH: So, THIS is what became of “The Most Interesting Man in the World”…hmm.
(Drunk man stumbles to his horse and gets on.) SERVO: Well, if there’s anything that spells “comic relief” like an alcoholic single father mourning his dead wife, I can’t think of it.
(The beautiful Sarita comes to the aid of the drunk man and his son after an altercation nearly causes an injury.) SARITA: It’s ALWAYS like this! Always tequila! Never a thought for your son. Panchito, take your father back to the house. PANCHITO: Si, Senorita. (To his father.) Come on, Papa. SERVO: Mexican child services is HOT!
(ENRIQUE arrives at Don Pedro’s villa, wearing a sombrero.) JONAH (as ENRIQUE): Where’s the rest my band?! There’s a subway full of people whose morning needs ruining!
(ENRIQUE approaches Don Pedro’s house servant, MARGARITA.)
ENRIQUE: Margarita! CROW: Sure!
DON PEDRO: The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year from what the natives tell me…whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. ENRIQUE (with full American accent all of the sudden): Speaking of disappearing… CROW (as ENRIQUE): “Has anyone seen my accent?”
(JIMMY wakes up and can’t find anyone in the ranch.)
JIMMY: Manuel! Jorge! Jose! JONAH (as JIMMY): “You guys go to the ice rink without me?” CROW (as JIMMY): “I didn’t kill them in my sleep again, did I…?” SERVO (as JIMMY): “I gotta stop ordering those Scorpion Bowls!” (JIMMY sees a letter left on the wall of the ranch.) JONAH: Oh no! A Dear JUANletter! (JIMMY pulls the letter off the wall and silently reads it.) SERVO (as JIMMY): “How can they shut off my water? I don’t even HAVE water!”
(PANCHO and PANCHITO say good morning to JIMMY as they feed the ranch animals.)
JIMMY: Buenos dias! What are you doing here? PANCHO: I’m milking the cow. PANCHITO: And I’m feeding the ducks! JONAH (as JIMMY): “But that’s a bull and those are pigeons…”
JIMMY: If Senor Panchito will be responsible for Senor Pancho, I think we give ’em a chance! FELIPE: No! JIMMY: Well, why not? If Panchito backs up his father and I back up Panchito and you back ME up, how can we lose? CROW: So MANY ways…
FELIPE: A kid and a tequila hound to help run the ranch… SERVO: Tuesdays on TLC!
(ENRIQUE and several men stand in the village, looking at documents.) JONAH: They’re looking through the script to make sure there’s actually a “beast” in this movie.
(ENRIQUE and JIMMY fight in the village. One of the men crashes into a table with a bunch of beautiful plates and bowls on it.) JONAH: My Etsy products!
(ENRIQUE wears a jacket enclosed by a large pin resembling pearls.) JONAH: Are those sea shells on his jacket? SERVO: I think you mean “YES” shells.
(We get an establishing shot of a Spanish village.) CROW: Wow! Machu Picchu! SERVO: Machu Picchu is in Peru. CROW: Huh…so they filmed this movie in Peru? SERVO: Would you just–! (SERVO tries to lunge and CROW but JONAH holds him back.)
(JIMMY and ENRIQUE ride into town and visit SARITA.)
JIMMY: Buenos Dias, Sarita. SARITA: Didn’t you recognize me? JIMMY: I thought you didn’t want to be recognized. Last time we were seen together… JONAH (as JIMMY): “It turned into SummerSlam…” JIMMY: …we caused a little trouble. SERVO (as SARITA): “I don’t remember that…” SARITA: I’m sorry for what happened. I’ve spoken to Enrique…and there will be no more misunderstandings. JIMMY: That’s all right with me! CROW (as JIMMY): “They set up a fruit stand. Mind if a take a moment and slam myself into that?”
(PANCHO helps his son, PANCHITO, off a horse. They walk to an abandoned shack.) SERVO (as PANCHITO): “Papa, I thought you said we were going to the Chuck E. Cheese.” CROW (as PANCHO): “It’s not Chuck E. Cheese, but there ARE mice here.”
(The villagers prep for the festival. Two women talk to one another as they climb stairs.) CROW (as one of the women): “Oh my god! Did you hear Pancho died?” SERVO (as the other woman): “Yes, I heard a BEAST did it!” CROW (as Woman #1): “From Hollow Mountain? That’s CRAZY! There’s no beast in this movie!”
(Festival starts with people in really weird costumes dancing around. ENRIQUE wanders through them.) SERVO (as ENRIQUE): “What the HELL?! I LIVE here and even I don’t understand what’s going on!”
(The Beast FINALLY appears and roars, sticking his long tongue out.) JONAH: Ah! A Gene Simmons-osaurus!
(JIMMY has ENRIQUE in tow on the back of his horse. JIMMY forces his horse to ride sideways down a dirt hill.) SERVO: I don’t think this was discussed with the horse’s agent… CROW: Or the HORSE. JONAH: “SEVERAL horses were hurt in the making of this film.” SERVO: And don’t forget the turtle the catering truck hit.
(During JIMMY’S fight with the dinosaur.) JONAH: Has anyone said “Watch out for snakes” yet? CROW: Yeah, I think we did that. JONAH: Oh…we should have saved that for NOW.
MTV’s The Challenge: Invasion of the Champions brought the usual drunken fights, hookups, alliance drama and backstabbing that we have come to expect from The Challenge franchise. While these aspects were present throughout, they were not the focus of this season. Ironically enough, the theme that ran through this alcohol fueled cutthroat competition was personal growth. While it was apparent that the show orchestrated this somewhat (since when does TJ ask competitors what this win will mean to them? I thought I was watching Chopped for a second!) even the best producers couldn’t manufacture the growth and maturity shown in three of our returning favorites: Tony, Laurel, and CT.
It is crazy to think that I have been watching The Challenge (and it’s RW/RR predecessor) for the past 15 years, starting back when they were traveling in Winnebagos. I have so many vivid memories of watching this show. Remember in Real World/ Road Rules 2000 when Amaya refused to eat a pig hoof because she was “kosher” (which she wasn’t)? Or, one of my favorite/ most epic moments of The Challenge, when Ruthie stopped herself on the inch long piece of rope to win the challenge during Battle of The Sexes: I. Actually, everything Ruthie did that season was BAMF. (I am going to stop myself now because this could go on all day).
As I have gotten older I have found aspects of the show difficult to watch. This franchise can be sexist and misogynistic, and has been accused of turning a blind eye to sexual assault. So, it was refreshing and heartwarming to watch competitors who had once been combative, ruthless, and downright cruel to others find an inner calm this season.
Writing about and analyzing a cast member of a reality show is more difficult and complex than analyzing a fictional character. Reality TV is a carefully curated collage of clips that producers mold into a desired storyline. There is very little trust between the viewer (at least this viewer) and the producers that the show believes context is necessary. That is why I felt a little uneasy writing this because I am analyzing a manufactured and edited version of a real life person.
But nonetheless, I am doing it.
Tony:
TJ summed it up perfectly when he said goodbye to Tony:
TJ: “I don’t know what you did with the old Tony, but I really like the new one.”
Tony, originally from RW: Skeletons (2014) first came to The Challenge in Battle of the Bloodlines with his younger brother Shane. In all honestly, I haven’t watched The Real World since San Diego 2.0 in 2011, so I didn’t know much about this dude before Bloodlines. From the get go, Tony did nothing to make me like him. He got in a screaming match with Shane and shoved him into a wall before TJ could even announce the first challenge. For some reason they allowed him to stay. His hot head antics landed him in Rivals III with Camilla as his partner. Lo and behold, Tony gets into a drunken fight with his partner during this season as well, but this time it sends him home. (although bizarrely the actual altercation wasn’t filmed leaving some to be skeptical of what really happened).
This season for Invasion of the Champions Tony arrived a new man with one daughter at home and one on the way. He was confident, strong, caring, and sober. The likelihood of Tony reading this article is low, but I just want to say this: Tony, I have so much respect for your willpower to stay completely sober during the challenge.
If you watch behind the scenes clip from any Challenge or any of the reunions, you know how monotonous and boring living in the challenge house can be. They are cooped in a house (albeit a fucking GORGEOUS one) with a bunch of competitive type-A personalities. There is no internet, there is no TV, and also there are copious amounts of alcohol floating around at all times. Usually the only non-challenge reasons competitors leave the house is to go to alcohol filled clubs. The fact that Tony, a dude who has spent the last 15 years partying, had the resolve and willpower to resist temptation given those conditions is awe inspiring.
Becoming a father has changed Tony for the better, and he now realizes that his actions don’t only impact himself, but his family as well. Tony’s resolve to stay sober isn’t just due to external forces though, he doesn’t want to go back to who he was when he was drunk and out of control. He likes this sober version of himself and one night as he watches Nelson throw a drunken shit fit over being rejected by a girl, Tony turns to Corey and says “that used to be me” and expresses how he never wants to go back to being that person.
Laurel
Laurel has always been one of my favorite competitors. I love how fierce, loyal, and competitive she is, but sometimes that competitiveness turns ugly. Laurel’s Challenge debut was Fresh Meat II where she and her partner Kenny dominated the season. While the pair ultimately came in second place, she and Kenny won FIVE challenges throughout the season. Laurel was pretty tame in her debut season. She sometimes got pushy and aggressive when drunk, but her biggest beef in the house was the other girls didn’t like her because she was fucking dominating.
It wasn’t until her second challenge, Cutthroat, that a cruel side of Laurel was shown (which was usually fueled by alcohol). Laurel got in three drunken shouting matches in the first three episodes of that season (FYI, there are only 10 episodes). Those fights were nothing though compared to Laurel’s drunken and cruel diatribe against Big Easy. A drunken Laurel (potentially unprompted) rips into Eric saying how he is disgusting, ugly, and fat, and that no one in their right mind would ever touch him. It is really hard to watch, and truthfully sickening, to watch someone spew such hateful and personal attacks towards anyone, let alone Eric. In my opinion, this was the lowest Laurel has ever sunk on The Challenge.
Laurel’s change in demeanor was noticeable immediately on Invasion of the Champions. I first noticed it through her interactions with Jenna regarding Zach. When discussing Zach and Jenna’s relationship during an interview she lists all of the bad things Zach did to Jenna and ends with “And all she did was love him.” This is a soft, kind, and tender side to Laurel that until this point had not been shown on The Challenge.
Laurel’s personal growth is displayed most clearly through her budding feelings and relationship with Nicole. And this is not just me clinging onto any lesbian content on TV (which I have been guilty of). Camila said it best when she states:
“I would have never guessed– knowing Laurel– that she would be this way with… anyone.”
Laurel doesn’t talk about her feelings. She gets angry or retreats, that is how she has always dealt with her emotions. So, when she tells Camila that she “almost wants to push myself to talk about” her feelings for Nicole, that was a big deal.
Laurel did not fly off the handle once this season, even when Amanda was just ASKING for a beating. When she felt that Nicole was playing games with her, she sat her down and the two discussed their feelings. And, in the end, the pair got together and started calling each other babe within days of dating, like any good lesbian couple should.
It should also be noted that The Challenges depiction of this budding relationship is in stark contrast to how they usually depict two women together, which usually includes guys egging them on, ogling and gossip. There might have been gossip, and I bet there was, but it wasn’t the focal point of the storyline.
CT
The man, the myth, the legend, the beast: CT. I have always had a soft spot for CT, all I wanted was to understand him! Up until this season, CT was pretty unknowable. While he had his soft moments (often only when Diem was around), he had many many more, well, not soft moments.
CT was kicked off of not one, but TWO Challenges before the first challenge even occurred. In The Inferno 3 he punched Davis in the eye (off camera) and was sent home the first night. The most infamous of his fights though occurred on The Duel 2 when the entire house was unable to hold CT back from legit hulking out on Adam.
Like Tony, CT is now a father and his adorable little nugget of a son Chris Jr. is the joy of his life. CT’s face light up when he talks about his son. He is a changed man. His actions no longer just affect himself, they affect his son. More than that though, CT is just calmer this season. He doesn’t incite any fights or fuck with people for the fun of it. He was there to compete and win money for his family, period.
The last time that CT competed on The Challenge was on Battle of the Exes 2 where he had to leave early due to Diem’s declining health. As I said earlier, CT was at his kindest when Diem was around, and as soon as Diem wasn’t feeling he left to be by her side without a second thought. Shortly after leaving Exes 2 Diem passed away after nearly a decade-long fight against cancer. This rocked CT to his core and changed him.
During filming, the final six competitors were in Thailand for Loy Krathong (the Festival of Lights) a festival about “cleansing and renewal;” a time for people to reflect on their past and previous misdeeds, and envision their goals for the future by releasing floating lanterns onto the water. That year, in 2016, Loy Krathong fell on November 14th, the anniversary of Diem’s death. As would be expected, this was an exceptionally emotional experience for CT, but instead of lashing out and burying his feelings he embraced the ceremony and saw it as a sign that it is okay to move on. And then, he opened up and told his story. He verbalized on national television the pain and sadness that engulfed him after losing Diem. He expressed the joy that his son has brought him, and how being a father has helped him heal. And then he ends it with this
CT: “I’ve been trying to get better and get better to finally let go of the past, and to look forward to my future with my family and my son. And I’m looking forward to being happy again.”
This season on The Challenge: Invasion of the Champions the explosive fights that usually precede The Finals were replaced with an emotional and meaningful ceremony for the six final competitors. The show put a spotlight on each finalist’s journey to get to this point in life: all of their struggles, all of their demons, all of their accomplishments. MTV highlighted these aspects in a positive light instead of exploiting it for more drama and tension. And I guess in a way, maybe that demonstrates that the franchise itself might be maturing as well.
TANKED Season 12, Episode 3
“Shark Byte”
AIR DATE: May 5, 2017
GRADE: —
This week’s edition of Tanked is a nice breath of fresh air because it doesn’t involve celebrities and focuses, instead, on what the guys and gals at ATM did before they were mixing it up with the rich and famous.
NEW ALBANY, INDIANA – Samtec
Brett and Wayde fly to Indiana because Samtec wants a tank. Deal with it. It’s Samtec, not Google or Apple or Microsoft or Facebook or any other giant corporate thing you use each day but secretly detest. Apparently, they make “small things that go in everyday devices”. Like the ones you use in your Android or iPhone or Windows tablet or–OW!!! Who threw that…?
It’s here we meet Madison, a project manager with the company and his colleague, Greg, a business development manager with Samtec. They look like they work there. Madison says that the company is growing each day and that they’re making room for a whole new wing. The entrance is now through the back door because the lobby is under construction. In any case, they’d like an aquarium. Brett and Wayde are totally up for this and ask for a tour. Madison is willing to oblige.
They show off a display made of several HDTV displays and are instantly impressed. Then they tour the manufacturing facility. Greg tells the guys that they make “over 100,000 small pieces of technology each day”, which is impressive stuff. In fact, says Greg, they have somewhere around 1.4 trillion part numbers in their catalogue. They go to the construction zone where Madison and Greg show the guys where the tank needs to go. They want a huge tank stretching the length of the room and going to the ceiling.
And sharks. Yes. Sharks.
Brett explains that it would have to be a “racetrack” style tank so that the sharks are constantly moving so they can breathe and not bump into the glass. The deal is closed and Brett and Wayde are off to Vegas to draw up some schematics. Brett says this will be “one of the biggest tanks they’ve ever built. Not quite sure that’s accurate as I remember them building a couple tanks for a casino that topped that.
LAS VEGAS, NV – Acrylic Tank Manufacturing
Work starts up pretty quick for Samtec as panels, both wooden and glass, are already being cut up and put together. Of course, since the episode is moving too quickly, we get our first bit of staged “drama”: one of the glass panels aren’t the same thickness! OH NOES! How in the world do these tank architects screw that up? Don’t worry your pretty little head over this crap. Wayde already knows they probably have better panels in stock. Except they don’t. Brett even bets coming in early each day for a week if they do.
So what do they do?
They elect to chop and sand down portions of each panel of glass, a job that would take hours — but not weeks as initially projected because it’s only part of the panel which would blend the glass in with all the other pieces of — goddamn, this sounds boring, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. It goes on forever and spares us nothing. We even get to watch these guys chop the glass up.
And it even ends with Wayde reminding the crew that each panel has to be chopped and sanded as if we didn’t already know that.
Nothing could be more monotonous than this shit. NOTHING.
So, the glass is being worked on, it’s time to research the kind of sharks that need to go in the tank. Better visit a nearby marine biologist! Delays, after all, are frowned upon here. We don’t want to waste time consulting with professionals.
Just kidding. Brett and Wayde have confusingly outsourced this incredibly important task to the two people who made fun of Japanese Koi names and had issues getting small turtles out of a shallow pond last week. But I’m sure that was a fluke and that they’ll be perfectly mature and do it right this time since this is a huge client and shark tanks need extra TLC. So, they visit a marine biologist…
Just kidding again. They sit in Agnes’s office and look up small sharks on Vimeo for 2 hours.
This is PAINFUL:
AGNES: They want sharks? HEATHER: Yeah! The tank is gonna be SUPER cool! AGNES (stiff delivery): Don’t they have to be COMPATIBLE with the other FISH so they don’t EAT them?
Yes, Queen Obvious! Hence the “research”! Oh, but it gets worse:
AGNES: It says that the Black Tip Shark travels in schools and can grow up to (pause, then her jaw drops)…SIX…FEET LONG!!! HOLY COW!!! (Both women laugh hysterically.) HEATHER: I know! That’s BIG!!! (Laughing continues)
Six feet? For a small shark? That’s not that big and WHY ARE WE LAUGHING AT ANY OF THIS?!
AGNES: This shark looks cool and it says he poses no threat to humans! HEATHER (stern): Well, humans aren’t gonna be in the tank! FISH are!
They’re ready to scratch each other’s eyes out over this?!
AGNES: The Horn Shark! HEATHER: These guys are bottom dwellers..because, see…they rest at the bottom…but you don’t wanna step on them…that’s why they call it the Horn Shark. Because they could POKE you. AGNES: Right…because he has a HORN! HEATHER: Right.
But, wait! HUMANS DON’T LIVE IN THE TANK, SO THEY CAN’T STEP ON THE SHARK! DAMMIT, HEATHER! GET IT TOGETHER!
Then they take a look at the kick-ass Leopard Shark…followed by the realization that they can’t get that shark ANYWAY because it’s too big for their tank — but, fuck it, they talk about it anyway:
The Leopard Shark sleeps while it swims,” Heather explains, which toooootally confuses Agnes.
“How do they sleep, then? Isn’t that, like, sleep-walking?” she asks.
Agnes just enables Heather: “More like…sleep-SWIMMING!”
And they just laaaaaaugh.
Buuuuut aaaaanyway…they can’t have the shark because it’s too big — which was already pointed out, so thanks for adding two more minutes to this segment.
In any case, they choose a couple sharks and contact “Paul, their shark guy” to handle the buying. They couldn’t just go VISIT PAUL?!
I get part of the Animal Planet shows is to educate wannabe pet owners and animal lovers, but this show has turned the women intomorons. I get reality TV requires some staged situations — but don’t make the women into complete airheads. They weren’t before. Why start now? They’ve dealt with all kinds of fish and sharks and other sea life and the producers are making them pretend to be surprised by shark facts they already freakin’ know BECAUSE THIS SHOW HAS BEEN ON FOR 12 SEASONS and I’ve seen them talk about these things in a more intelligent manner!
Meanwhile, back at the shop, the glass fix is working out well. Glass is being cut (in nearly pornographic fashion) and bonded together. Wayde gives us an overview of how gluing and bonding works: if they pour glue too fast, you get bubbles and that’s not good so you have to go reeeeeal slooooooow. Once the glue is dropped in, they elect to let it dry overnight — but, alas, that’s not the end. Wayde reiterates that there’s LOTS of “sanding and polishing” left to do and I just now realized we haven’t seen Brett do anything in the past five minutes. Is he on sabbatical?
The next morning, Wayde talks to his coral guy, Brandon, about the coral going into the tank. Apparently, changes need to be made: Samtec wants their tiny little chips and widgets to be incorporated into the coral because of course we can’t have a normal tank. They want it “subtle” except that Wayde says that they also want to turn and see a coral full of “their circuit boards”, every fish lover’s dream, lemme tell ya’. Brandon drops what he’s doing and immediately starts in on the gadget molds. The real ones would rust in the tank and hurt the fish inside. So they decide to mold some “coral” and see how it looks with the circuits all over it…and this is just not appealing.
By the way, the tank is ready so it’s time for the “hours and hours of sanding and polishing” Wayde described. For good measure, he even reminds us about it again while showing it going on. When we come back, it’s MORE sanding and polishing and embedding circuits into fake coral and the boys are making headway — which is awesome since Greg from Samtec is here to visit. Wayde shows him the fake parts and circuits. Greg is impressed. He calls it beautiful. Let’s get a shot of his face the entire time he goes through the circus of emotions in his head.
Brett explains that it’s fish-safe and blah-blah-blah while Wayde goes overboard and shows him a snail built out of Samtec parts. And then a piece of “coral” that looks like “coral” but is actually built out of Samtec parts. Greg’s not having it at all and wants it to be more subtle. Wayde is cool with this. They show him the giant tank that’s moleculary-bonded…and that flies over Greg The Smiling Beast’s head. So, Wayde has to explain this process of seamless bonding two pieces of glass together. Then they challenge him to find the seams. Are you excited yet?
Then Greg asks about the sanding. And the polishing. STOP! PLEASE! DON’T!
Wayde leans against the tank like it’s a ’67 cherried-out Camaro and goes, “Oh yeah…a lot of sanding…and a lot of polishing.”
Greg shakes off Dr. Charm and asks about tank overflow — and he wants a demo NOW. Brett rolls out both coral towers — but Greg wants something else in the tank. Maybe something in the middle. Like an island. With their parts and products. The boys are simpatico and Greg is good. Still not smiling, but good.
After Greg leaves, the boys put together the filtration system and they test out the footprint layout. They set up the canopy facade and Wayde likes what he sees.
When it’s all tested, the crew loads up the tank and heads to Indiana.
NEW ALBANY, IN – Samtec
The delivery truck has arrived and the set-up begins. The first part is getting the huge tank off the truck which is no small feat since the thing weighs tons and measures about 30 feet across. It takes two forklifts to do the job.
Once clear from the truck, Wayde and Kyle (the other guy in the other forklift) have to work in tandem so that the tank doesn’t fall off their forks. I know! The suspense is killing me, too! Of course, the tank is just fine and the tank gets built piece by piece.
But, wait! It’s time to join The Wonder Twins, Heather and Agnes as they visit Paul from Sea Dwelling Creatures!
LOS ANGELES, CA – Sea Dwelling Creatures
That’s Paul from Sea Dwelling Creatures. Remember Paul? He’s the dude who overreacts to anything he’s told and likes to go nuts on camera, over-describing his fish and weakly comparing them to things they’re not so that they get shoe-horned into a customer’s tank. Anyway, he’s back this week. Heather and Agnes are here to collect fish that look like computer components. For the love of god, Paul’s up for the job.
He shows off fish like The Maze Angel and says it would fit because “it looks like a circuit-board”. See what I mean?
It’s not actually a bad idea and recalls TRON a bit.
Anyhow, we get the Angel and a couple of others, including one “with copper coloring on his body because copper is in most components” and the “Ruby Flasher” because it’s like a “flash drive” for the luvva christ.
NEW ALBANY, IN – Samtec
The tank has been ready to go for “weeks” and the fish all get added. The extra inserts finally arrive but a diver has to go in to put the insert in. So, of course, Wayde feels the need to explain how awful it would be for him to step on a Horn Shark and die. Instead, the diver hits his head on the acrylic tank ceiling over and over and over (and over) again until he’s brain dead and demanding brains from the other workers.
Finally, it’s time to show off the tank to Madison and Greg — who practically bring the entire factory to see the unveiling. At the count of three, the curtain drops and the tank is revealed…
There are several loving shots of the tank and the boys describe the tank measurements and talk about the tech parts being embedded into the hand-made coral. They also introduce all the fish, describing the Horn Shark as “fitting” because “they’re lazy during the day but work only at night”, like real works. Madison and Greg aren’t sure how to take that.
Overall, the two are impressed with the work.
LAS VEGAS, NV – ATM
Redneck is working on a computer because he’s an expert now. Brett kids him. Redneck is pissed Brett lied to him about the parts being duplicates. It’s a laff riot and the show comes to an end.
THOUGHTS: A nice episode with a LOT of downtime with all the drilling and cutting and sanding and what-not. Even still, the tank was nice. I’ll go A- on it due to the lame inclusion of the company’s components.
IRON CHEF GAUNTLET Season 1, Episode 5
“Five Ingredients”
AIR DATE: May 14, 2017
GRADE: —
Last week, we lost Chef Nakajima which, in my opinion, destroyed all of what this show had going for it. This week, there’s a twist: two chefs will go home and the winner of today will face off against the three Iron Chefs, Masaharu Morimoto, Bobby Flay and Michael Symon. Let’s dive into the penultimate episode…
These are the three remaining chefs on Iron Chef Gauntlet…
IRON IZARD!
EAT, PRAY, PASTA!
and ALTERNATE BROWN!
The three chefs enter the stadium. Izard is out for blood, having been put through the stress of facing Nakajima last week and piling a bunch of shit on a plate which the judges gave her high marks for. She’s “ready to kick some ass” and is gunning for Chef Dady since he put her in that position. Dady says he has momentum and that he’ll be the next Iron Chef. Grueneberg says she isn’t going home today.
Alton Brown announces that the loser of the first round will go home. He says that being an Iron Chef requires focus and willpower. The Secret Ingredient Coffin contains nothing but empty baskets. Brown says that the chefs will have access to “every single ingredient in the kitchen”! But, they can only choose five of them which is a lot like saying “I’m giving you access to $5 million dollars…but you can only have FIVE of those dollars.”
Izard is confused. Dady and Grueneberg love it. They have 30 minutes. Go-time!
Grueneberg grabs six ingredients. Such FOCUS! Also, she’s making PASTA!!! Such ORIGINALITY!!!
Dady is doing a salmon dish with asparagus with his salmon, salmon eggs, eggs, lemon and asparagus.
Izard is doing Eggs, Soy, Lemon, Crab and Mirin. It will be a Japanese dish and it’ll be a crab custard. She’s “never made this before” because that’s what Iron Chefs do. Not really, though. They usually know what they’re gonna cook.
Alton approaches Grueneberg about her pasta because “he doesn’t know what she’s doing” and it’s “killing him”. Grueneberg is apparently making fresh whey for a pasta filling which gives us this exchange:
GRUENEBERG: I’m hoping I can make my sauce with whey! ALTON: No WHEY. GRUENEBERG: Yes, WHEY. ALTON: Yes, WHEY. GRUENEBERG: Yes, WHEY!
It’s like a Seinfeld bit threw up and leaked into the show.
Meanwhile, Izard’s Crab Custards won’t set. Ruh-roh. Izard removes the lid of her Dutch Oven over and over to confirm this. Something tells me that custards don’t set when the heat escapes the oven they’re in…but Izard’s smarter than everyone and everyone knows she’s gonna win this, so fuck off. Also, she says she “wants to cry” which is the kind of iron-clad confidence you love in an Iron Chef.
Alton notices all of this and says “the sphincter factor is very high right now”, which is just the phrase I want to hear in a kitchen. Izard keeps removing the lid over and over much to Alton’s dismay — but he doesn’t yell that to her because yelling things like “your ass is puckering” is much more appealing.
Grueneberg is rolling her pasta while Dady works on his eggs. Izard has one minute left and pulls her custard from the pot they were in. Everyone plates, time runs out and it’s time for the tasting…
Everyone is stoked about their dishes while Dady whispers “I’m gonna get destroyed” to Izard…and this is Izard’s actual reaction:
CHEF IZARD (INGREDIENTS: Eggs, Crab, Lemon, Mirin and Soy)
Chawanmushi with Crab Salad, Sabayon & Meringue. Alton commends the “presentation” even though it’s custard in a cup with crab carelessly piled on it. But Alton loves it. He wishes that the Sabayon had more acidity. Izard had zero idea what it tasted like because she didn’t make one for herself. After Alton walks off, she tastes it and likes it.
CHEF GRUENEBERG (INGREDIENTS: Flour, Egg, Parmigiano Reggiano, Lemon, Milk)
Parmigiano Raviolini. Alton eats a ravioli and asks why Grueneberg didn’t use Ricotta inside the ravs. He says it’s salty and the egg yolk could have been used as a sauce. He says that he really likes the expression of “Parmesan”. “Even still”, Alton says — then completes his sentence by stealing another rav and walking off.
CHEF DADY (INGREDIENTS: Salmon, Salmon Eggs, Eggs, Asparagus, Lemon)
Smoked Salmon & Egg Salad with Asparagus & Fried Egg Aioli. Alton loves the plating because there’s color on the dish, unlike the others. He loves the salmon and eggs which are cooked beautifully. The lemon, however, is missing from the dish.
Dady looks incredibly nervous and says that may be what sends him home.
Alton picks his most successful chef for the challenge is…
CHEF IZARD.
The chef who will go home is…
CHEF DADY.
Dady walks out. In his post-interview, he looks incredibly upset and says that he’s disappointed and says he hates losing. HATES IT.
It is now Chef Izard vs. Chef Grueneberg in the final challenge for the right to go to the Iron Chef Gauntlet round.
Alton reveals his secret ingredient…
EGGS!!!
Izard whines about doing an egg dish prior to this and says that she’s “EGGHAUSTED”! Get it? Because she’s tired of cooking eggs? Can’t wait for Iron Chef Izard, can you? Alton starts the 60-minute timer and the ladies start grabbing some eggs…
Grueneberg’s going to cook something I’ve never heard of before: “Pasta”. Sounds exotic!
There are eggs everywhere. Grueneberg picks up Emu Eggs because they’re HUGE and contain a disgusting amount of goopy yolk. The problem? Emu’s aren’t really native to where ever the hell these guys are and they have to be shipped a certain way so the yolks don’t break. Since Food Network missed something and chose the “I Don’t Know, However You Want to Send It; Look I Have Shit to Do” shipping option, every single Emu egg yolk is broken. So, Grueneberg has to use about 75 eggs to make up for 4 of them. And then, Alton renders the entire ordeal moot anyway by telling us that nearly every single egg in the world tastes the same so, basically, Iron Chef Gauntlet is just really pretentious and stacks these things to resemble Cadbury Mini-Eggs for effect.
Grueneberg and Izard start cute and negotiate sharing Kitchenaid mixers.
Izard continues to channel Nakajima and makes a Yuzu Lemon Curd while proclaiming that she’s “come too far to lose”.
One of Grueneberg’s dishes is a “giant ravioli filled with egg yolk” which is preceded by a Stracciatella Egg Drop Soup. The third dish will be Green Cardamom Ice Cream.
Izard’s 1-2-3 punch is Fried Quail Egg Salad followed by Okonomiyaki Savory Japanese Pancake and then a Yuzu Lemon Curd.
The ladies work their fingers to the bone.
Both women make a meringue for their deserts, something Alton loves. Grueneberg ends up having to re-do her ice cream.because the machine has turned it into butter.
Grueneberg rolls what must be her umpteenth piece of ravioli dough and says she’s doing a dish called “Green Eggs and Ham” which doesn’t look anything like it, so it’s more like “Egg and Ham Ravioli with Green Shit On It”. Still, pretty clever.
Finally, the bell rings and it’s time for the final tasting before the Iron Chef Gauntlet…
Alton gives us our judges…Ching He Huang…and…sigh…Alex Guarnaschelli, another Food Network piece of work I cannot stand…but let’s move on.
First up is…
CHEF GRUENEBERG
FIRST COURSE – Roman Stracciatella Egg Drop Soup: Alex says there is an “Iron Chef texture” and she loves the simplicity and flavor. Huang, however, doesn’t love it. There’s no “swells of egg pattern”. The egg is “mixed in too much.” Alex: “Are we eating the same soup?”
SECOND COURSE – “Green Eggs & Ham” Raviolo: Huang loves the presentation. Alex says the use of the egg is great and that it’s incredible, calling it “a mermaid on a couch”. I…don’t get it, but we’re apparently moving on.
THIRD COURSE – Green Cardamom Ice Cream with Baked Meringue: Huang loves the flavor. Alex can’t taste the egg and thinks Grueneberg needed a bigger plate for the presentation. Then, suddenly, she can taste the egg.
CHEF IZARD
FIRST COURSE – Fried Egg Salad with Nuoc Cham: Huang loves the quail egg and loves all the different flavors that make things so “fresh”. Alex disagrees and thinks Izard “invited an egg to a vegetable party”.
SECOND COURSE – Okonomiyaki Savory Japanese Pancake: Huang loves the presentation and the duck egg which “oozes and runs through the whole thing” and the pancake tops the whole thing. Alex loves the pancake and the dish then gets Guarnaschelli-level pretentious (as she often does) and says that she “feels like she’s on a rollercoaster where the first dish sucked and second one thrilled and she’s at the top of the apex where the rollercoaster goes down — but where am I gonna land?” Gag me.
THIRD COURSE – Yuzu Lemon Curd with Burnt & Cocoa Meringue: HUANG LOVES THE PRESENTATION, EVERYONE! Then loves the egg and curd. Alex doesn’t love the egg or curd. She says it’s not egg-forward. But the dish is fantastic and she’s not sure SHE could have made it in an hour.
The judges make their decision.
Izard says that going home at this point would be terrible. You know, as opposed to “wonderful”.
The winner of the contest and the chef going on to the Gauntlet is…
CHEF IZARD.
Grueneberg can’t believe it and cries (off-camera) and she says it wasn’t her day. “There’s always tomorrow,” she remarks.
That’s it. Join us for the finale next Sunday!
THOUGHTS: Yeah, you guys all called it. Here’s the thing I don’t get: where’s the suspense? Next week is Izard vs. three “legends” (if we’re calling Bobby Flay a “legend”) and then, boom, she wins and gets to wear an Iron Chef hat. Is that really what’s going to happen next week? What happens if she loses? Does she lose and go home and we wait until next season? What happens to Iron Chef America? Does it reboot regardless of what happens? I’m sorry, but I cannot see Izard beating Symon, Flay or, for fuck sakes, Morimoto.
If she does, then this show is just for…well, show.
Also, if you’re really faking us all out and trying to prime us for Iron Chef Izard, would it be too much to ask to make her likeable and confident? The last two shows have given us an supremely insecure person who is afraid of losing all the time. That doesn’t attract me to the person nor does it make me want to watch them cook.
That’s it for now. Join us next week for the finale.
Planet Wongo is a world populated by statuesque women clad in glittery green suits, high silver boots, and head of tall purple hair. But don’t be fooled into thinking that they are all about fun and games here ladies and gentlemen, for something untoward is afoot!
If you’re a fan of science fiction, immersive theater, drinks, and hilarity, Wild Women of Planet Wongo is an experience worth adding to your life. While the space at the Parskide Lounge in the Lower East Side was a little tight for the interactive performance, it did lend to a cozy atmosphere as audiences became a part of the show. We begin on a strange planet where a spaceship has crashed. Captain Ric Rogers (Miki Hellerbach) and his companion Louie LaFever (Howie Schaal) are arguing when beautiful warrior women arrive, excited to have suddenly come upon them. The captain is immediately distrustful, but Louie is more than willing to get to know the natives a little better. Soon the planet’s ruler Queen Rita (Amanda Nichols) makes her entrance and Ric is smitten despite himself. However the duo soon find themselves in dire straights, becoming drugged with Wongo Weed then captured and taken to the queen’s palace. Chaos and merriment ensues as the two sexes attempt to communicate and understand each other through song and dance.
The show is reminiscent of sci-fi films from the 1950’s and 60’s it felt like being in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Once you enter the lounge you can grab a signature Wongotini at the bar and then commence in audience participation throughout the performance. During the first intermission three attendees were able to become apprentice Wongettes and practice some of the warrior womens’ signature moves on an unconscious and chained up Louie. In the second one, we were treated to a hilarious Wongo version of the dating game. Audiences also got to join in on the fun throughout the night by dancing, singing, bowing, and even picketing. The cast did a splendid job in working with the space and engaging with the theatergoers.
While immersive theater is nothing new with shows like Sleep No More, Wild Women of Planet Wongo is lighthearted fun and immensely entertaining for those looking to have a break from the normality of everyday life. You’ll laugh a lot and the Wongotinis don’t hurt either.
The full cast includes Aiesha Dukes, Maya Evans, Miki Hellerbach, Jenna Marcello, KC Morse, Amanda Nicholas, Marta Rymer and Howie Schaal.
The creative team behind the show are Steve Mackes (Book & Lyrics), Ben Budick (Lyrics), Dave Ogrin (Lyrics and Music), David Rigano (Director), Juson Williams (Choreographer), Paul Rigano (Musical Director), Emily Grayson (Production Supervisor/Stage Manager), Patrick Harnett-Marshall (Assistant Stage Manager), Ido Levran (Video and Sound Design), Rudy Agresta (Animations), Lisa Hufnagel (Lighting Design), Rob Dutiel (Set Design/Props), Elise VanderKley (Costumes), Marsh Shugart (Makeup and Wig Design).
Wild Women of Planet Wongo is in its third run through June this year. It originally debuted in 2015.
