September marks the arrival of Syfy’s 25th anniversary and the network is using the opportunity to reboot their image with new initiatives across their programming and editorial division.
What does this exactly mean for fans of Syfy? A renewed commitment to genre and the fandom at large that the network calls “The Syfy Reboot.”
This isn’t the first time we’ve heard of a reboot from the NBCUniversal-owned cable company. In recent years, Syfy has made the initiative to return to high-quality original programming which has seen a great response from genre fans. The second season of The Magicians showed massive growth in its second season, bringing in a new, younger audience the network has not seen before.
“Genre content is more popular than ever. It tops the box-office, it rules television, and it dominates social conversation,” said Chris McCumber, President, Entertainment Networks for NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment, at a press event on Tuesday night in New York City.
“We took this past year to take a real hard look at ourselves. What’s working? What’s not working? Just a few years ago the entire industry, Syfy included, really felt the need to go broader to gain market share and be successful. We believe now though that the opportunity for Syfy is to do the exact opposite,” McCumber added.
How exactly will Syfy do this? By doubling down on their high-quality original programming and fully embracing their core audience. The network aims to build a place for the most passionate fans.
With critically acclaimed success with The Expanse, The Magicians, 12 Monkeys, and Channel Zero, Syfy’s new aim is to encompass science fiction, fantasy, paranormal, and superheroes/comics in their upcoming programming lineup.
To do this, the network has announced two new high profile series pickups – Krypton, the highly anticipated Superman prequel, and Happy!, a graphic novel adaptation starring Christopher Meloni.
Additionally the network has tapped George R. R. Martin’s novella, Nightflyers, for a new development project that will join previously announced projects Brave New World, Hyperion, and Stranger in a Strange Land.
“What’s become really crystal clear to us is that owning the genre is much more than simply making great science fiction shows,” said McCumber. “For Syfy, it’s not about just making great content. It’s about creating a home, a universe if you will, for fans to come and celebrate the genre that they love. Because really the heart of fandom is passion and passion is what we want to build this network around.”
To build this requires a new visual identity, debuting on June 19, that will include a new logo, typeface and look across linear, digital, social and experiential platforms. “This is a wholesale change, top to bottom, of the way we express ourselves,” said Alexandra Shapiro, Executive Vice President, Marketing and Digital, Entertainment Networks for NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment in a statement. “Our new branding is designed for the digital age and tailored to the consumption patterns of our audience, allowing us to celebrate and engage with fans on every consumer touchpoint.”
The network will also leverage their editorial division, Syfy Wire, previously known as Blastr, to bring breaking news, analysis, and original content to the ecosystem. Syfy Wire will bring its audience the latest and greatest in genre TV, film, books, comics, gaming and technology.
“As the only television network dedicated to the genre 24/7, we’re building the ultimate universe for this passionate community to call home,” McCumber states.
“The Syfy Reboot” shows a much more confident network willing to embrace their recent success by doubling down on their programming and creating a space for their passionate fans. With Syfy’s recent hot streak, the future looks bright for fans of genre television.
Syfy has announced series orders for Superman prequel, Krypton, and a graphic novel adaptation of Happy! starring Christopher Meloni.
Joining the series orders is a new development project from Syfy and Universal Cable Productions based on George R.R. Martin’s novella Nightflyers.
“Syfy is partnering with the biggest names in the business to tell the boldest stories in the sci-fi world, and I can’t think of any bigger and bolder than Krypton, Happy! and Nightflyers,” said Chris McCumber, President, Entertainment Networks, NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment.
Nightflyers will join Brave New World, Hyperion, and Stranger in Strange Land as previously announced projects in development at Syfy.
Krypton and Happy! have not received official release dates, but will join Syfy’s 2017-18 lineup of original scripted series.
More information from the press release on Krypton, Happy!, and Nightflyers can be found below:
KRYPTON
Set two generations before the destruction of the legendary Man of Steel’s home planet, KRYPTON follows Superman’s grandfather (Cameron Cuffe, “The Halcyon”) — whose House of El was ostracized and shamed — as he fights to redeem his family’s honor and save his beloved world from chaos. Based on DC characters, KRYPTON is from Warner Horizon Scripted Television and is executive produced by David S. Goyer (“Man of Steel,” “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice,” “The Dark Knight” trilogy) through his Phantom Four banner. Damian Kindler (“Sleepy Hollow”) will serve as executive producer and showrunner.
In addition to Cuffe, KRYPTON stars Georgina Campbell (“Broadchurch”), Elliot Cowan (“Da Vinci’s Demons”), Ann Ogbomo (“World War Z”), Rasmus Hardiker (“Your Highness”), Wallis Day (“Will”), Aaron Pierre (“Tennison”) with Ian McElhinney (“Game of Thrones”).
The pilot teleplay was written by Goyer and Kindler, from a story by Ian Goldberg (“Once Upon a Time,” “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”) & Goyer, with Colm McCarthy (“She Who Brings Gifts,” “Peaky Blinders”) serving as director and co-executive producer. KRYPTON is based on characters created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, published by DC.
HAPPY!
Universal Cable Productions’ HAPPY! is based on New York Times best-selling author Grant Morrison and Darick Robertson’s graphic novel of the same name. The series follows Nick Sax (Christopher Meloni, “Law & Order: SVU”) – an intoxicated, corrupt ex-cop turned hit man – who is adrift in a world of casual murder, soulless sex and betrayal. After a hit gone wrong, his inebriated life is forever changed by a tiny, relentlessly positive, imaginary blue winged horse named “Happy” (Bobby Moynihan, “Saturday Night Live”).
Executive producers Grant Morrison (“Batman,” “The Invisibles”) and Brian Taylor (“Crank,” “Gamer”) co-wrote the pilot teleplay. Neal Moritz, Pavun Shetty and Toby Jaffe of Original Film (“The Fast and the Furious” franchise), Meloni and showrunner Patrick Macmanus will also executive produce. Taylor directed the pilot.
NIGHTFLYERS
SYFY and Universal Cable Productions are developing a supernatural thriller based on author George R.R. Martin’s (“Game of Thrones”) epic novel NIGHTFLYERS. Set in the future on the eve of Earth’s destruction, a crew of explorers journey on the most advanced ship in the galaxy, The Nightflyer, to intercept a mysterious alien spacecraft that might hold the key to their survival. As the crew nears their destination, they discover that the ship’s artificial intelligence and never-seen captain may be steering them into deadly and unspeakable horrors deep in the dark reaches of space.
NIGHTFLYERS is being developed with executive producers Gene Klein (“Suits”), David Bartis (“Mr. and Mrs. Smith”) and Doug Liman (“Suits”) of Hypnotic; Alison Rosenzweig (“Jacob’s Ladder,” “Windtalkers”) and Michael Gaeta (“Jacob’s Ladder”) of Gaeta Rosenzweig Films; Lloyd Ivan Miller and Alice P. Neuhauser of Lloyd Ivan Miller Productions and Jeff Buhler (“Jacob’s Ladder”), who will write the adaptation. Robert Jaffe (“Nightflyers (1987)”) will produce.
IRON CHEF GAUNTLET Season 1, Episode 4
“Classic Combos”
AIR DATE: May 7, 2017
GRADE: —
Welcome back to the Iron Chef Gauntlet recap series at Matt’s Entertainment! When we last left The Stadium de Kitchen, Chef Nakajima had beaten his second opponent in a row, knocking Chef Gulotta out of the game. Who’s next on the chopping blo–oh, sorry. Wrong show. Let’s see who goes next…
Let’s recap the Final Four:
S TO THE STEZZO, I TO THE IZZO!
THE COME-AT-ME KID!
PASTAFARIAN!
and THE LONE WINGMAN!
Alton welcomes the Final Four into the kitchen as Nakajima declares he’s exhausted — but confident. He’s ready to win this thing and become the youngest Iron Chef in America. Anyone have that feeling that Nakajima’s going home soon? I’m feeling it, too.
Chef Izard says that this whole thing is “getting real”. Oh, honey…it was real weeks ago.
Alton springs his latest trap: “classic combinations which each chef must re-invent”. Because Iron Chefs do that all the time or else they’re not Iron Chefs. The combos are as follows:
Peanut Butter & Chocolate
Honey & Mustard
Lime & Coconut
Sour Cream & Onion
Grueneberg: “These ingredients go together so well, but re-inventing them is hard.”
We’re basically finding ways for these people to say the same thing over and over again.
Secondly, yes, these are “classic combos” if your diet consists of swilling Pina Coladas by the glass at a bar in Cabo San Lucas and then trying to sober yourself up with whatever’s in the vending machine next to your room.
Alton says that it won’t be a tackle fight this time: he has four cards and the ingredients will be chosen “democratically”: each chef will choose a card from his grasp and this will determine the order in which they get to pick their ingredient. Until Russia hacks the process and sour cream ends up with peanut butter. Can’t wait. I think somebody needs to explain what “democracy” is to Alton.
Dady wants lime and coconut — but picks spot #4. What luck. Izard wants peanut butter and chocolate — but not for a dessert. She wants to cook it with beef. She’s #3. M-kay. Grueneberg has #2 which means that Nakajima is #1.
He chooses Honey & Mustard and will make something shrimpy.
Grueneberg wants Sour Cream & Onion. She’s making Chinese food. Just kidding. She’s making pasta because she’s that freakin’ boring.
Izard gets her Peanut Butter & Chocolate. Izard’s making Korean beef ribs.
And Dady gets his Lime and Coconut. Dady’s making Thai Red Curry.
Alton’s already being nosy and asking Dady if his dish is “re-inventing anything” to which Dady responds, “You’ll love it.” Alton’s like “That isn’t an answer.” Izard trashes Dady and says that “Curry isn’t re-inventing anything”. Dady’s a touch peeved, so Alton mocks her Reese’s Ribs. Izard’s like “whatever” and we move on.
Dady’s trying to be all re-inventy but can’t get his “coconut foam” to work. So, he makes “coconut ice” made with liquid nitrogen.
She has a “Slovenian Dumpling. Alton likes the grilled onion inside the dish and the potato (also inside) is cooked extremely well, balancing things out. The bottarga, however, makes the dish uneven, so…
CHEF IZARD (Peanut Butter & Chocolate)
Korean-Style Beef Ribs. Alton likes her plating which is ribs mixed with chocolate and peanut butter and herbs and nuts and…the ribs are perfect. He likes the sauce and stuff. Chocolate is absent. Izard’s actual response (on the interview camera so Izard doesn’t sound like that one guy who gets the last word in): “There’s chocolate all over this dish. I’m gonna say you’re wrong on this one, Alton.” Somebody needs a hug…
CHEF NAKAJIMA (Honey & Mustard)
Sichuan Honey Mustard Shrimp. Alton loves the plating. There are undressed herbs surrounding the shrimp. Alton likes the honey flavor. There’s no real mustard flavor thanks to the over-abundance of greens. Nakajima: “Damn…”
CHEF DADY (Lime & Coconut)
Thai Red Curry. It’s basically just curry served in a coconut with a scallop in it. The only “brilliance” was that Dady froze some coconut so, yay, Alton loves it. He thinks it’s brilliant. It’s awesome. It’s wonderful. It’s epic. Alton can’t get enough. And Dady looks like he’s going to cry tears of joy.
Alton announces the first round winner:
CHEF DADY, of course.
And your first round loser? Sigh…
CHEF NAKAJIMA, of course.
And Dady, of course, gets to choose Nakajima’s Secret Ingredient Challenge opponent which is…
CHEF IZARD.
Nakajima’s on the verge of being knocked out again…I can’t fucking watch…(hides face behind hands…opens up fingers slightly, looks through them)…
Alton reveals our Secret Ingredient…
CHICKEN!!!
Both competitors are thrilled: Nakajima says there are “too many dishes” one can make. Izard feels the same way, calling the food “a blank canvas”. We’re off and running…Izard is apparently working with chicken liver and chicken feet while Nakajima picks up a couple chickens, one of which is completely black in color.
Meanwhile, Chef Dady is nervous watching, hovering, glaring at the chefs and he just talks and talks…and talks:
“I’ve never eaten or cooked black chicken before.” — on Nakajima’s choice of selection
“Doing chicken feet is risky. You don’t know who the judges are…not everybody loves chicken feet.” — on Izard’s choices
“He’s doing Yakatori so he can use those skewers on the grill.” — on Nakajima’s Yakatori
“KEEP IT UP, CHEFS! KEEP IT UP!”
“She seems a little rattled…” — on Izard, while she chops stuff
“I just feel like time is already slipping away.” — That’s kind of the point, dude.
“He’s made it through two elimination rounds already and it’s hard to count him out.” — on Nakajima
“GREAT JOB, CHEFS! VERY IMPRESSIVE STUFF!” — as Nakajima pours flours into a bowl, for crying outloud
“Chicken liver ice cream. If you take a big risk, it can pay off.” — on Izard’s dessert
“That is a frickin’ GENIUS technique…and I’m definitely gonna steal it…” — on Nakajima’s glaze grilling process which is comprised of grilling chicken with glaze on it
“This is gonna be a close frickin’ battle…this is gonna come down to the absolute wire.” — For the fourth straight episode
Nakajima gets cocky (as he always seems to) and says that Izard might “deliver”…but it’s more like she’ll “deliver him to the next round”.
All the while, Izard is ready to go home and beats herself up for not being as great as Nakajima…and I’m telling you this isn’t ending well.
Nakajima does meatballs and a pickled chicken salad and skewers while Izard does the chicken feet and her ice cream.
When it’s finally over, we go to the tasting with this week’s judges: Iron Chef Cat Cora and Culinary Scientist Ali Bouzari. We begin with…
CHEF NAKAJIMA
FIRST COURSE – Smoked Gizzard Yakitori Skewers with Pickled Lotus Root: Bouzari loves the textures and the dichotomy between flavors. Cora loves it, too, and commends him on the added spice. Bouzari also commends him for using the Secret Ingredient so well.
SECOND COURSE – Pickled Silkie Chicken Salad: Cora says that the way Nakajima tackled chicken is amazing. Both judges think it’s delicious. Bouzari is amazed that the chicken has been “velveted”, which makes for an incredible texture. Cora loves it. Bouzari especially loves the presentation.
FINAL COURSE – Chicken Meatballs in Dashi Broth: Bouzari calls Nakajima’s idea to put dry morel mushrooms inside the Dashi “brilliant”. Cora just calls it “ok”, saying that the meatball is “too dense” due to the lack of egg yolk and exclusive inclusion of egg whites. Bouzari completely disagrees and says that the dish was delicious even though it might have been “better” to include egg yolk in the meatball.
CHEF IZARD
FIRST COURSE – Dim Sum Chicken Feet: Cora says that the choice to do chicken feet is bold and she loves the addition of the jalapeno slices…but the plating is boring and looks like chicken feet in a bowl with some sauce and sliced jalapeno. Bouzari agrees that it was boring but the food is good.
SECOND COURSE – “Kou Shui” Sichuan Chicken Thighs: Bouzari says the choice to make something like this was hardly adventurous or inventive. They ask her to explain seasoning on the dish which Bouzari likes because it’s something he uses in Iran. Cora says they use the same seasoning in Greece.
FINAL COURSE – Dessert Chicken Pot Pie with Liver Ice Cream: They both seem to like the dish but say that Izard should have rendered some fat to use in the dish but, even without it, the ice cream is smooth and the dish works well.
Izard feels as though Nakajima got much higher marks for his dishes and that he’s been eating everyone as of late. She hopes to still be here when this is over.
Both chefs return for final judgement.
Alton announces that the score was 33-24…and the winner is…
CHEF IZARD
Yeah. That happened.
So, Nakajima is going home. And that’s that.
THOUGHTS: Wow. Just wow.
Let’s recap here: Shota Nakajima, one of the most creative and Iron Chef-worthy chefs on the show just lost to one of the most meek and boring chefs on the show. The judges, Alton Brown and every other chef look at him with their jaws on the floor. Yeah, he’s basically Morimoto: The Second Coming, but that’s not the point. He’s inspired. That’s what’s supposed to count here. Tonight, the judges called his ideas brilliant and were blown away by his originality and technique with making a couple of his dishes while dumping all over Izard for her lack of originality and vision with her “bowl full of chicken feet” and her “lack of adventure” with her chicken thighs. They commended his plating and crapped on hers. They thought his dishes were flavorful while hers were so-so.
How in the holy hell did Izard beat Nakajima? Seriously. I took some heat a couple weeks back for saying that this thing was “rigged”. This episode puts some weight behind my accusation.
Dady won his first contest today with a totally unoriginal dish that was plated nicely. Izard covered a fucking rib in chocolate and peanut butter, then piled a bunch of crap on top of that as if that would make it more special. Grueneberg sits there making pasta all day and all night while grinning as if she’s being held at gunpoint and proclaiming that she’s “the queen of pasta”. And, yes, Nakajima basically made something you’d find at Wingstop, only with shrimp — but he made up for it with three incredible dishes at the end. Izard threw chicken feet in a bowl and called it a day. She made chicken thighs and just piled them on a dish like she was working at P.F. Chang’s. The only thing done right was her ice cream — and she wins?!
This is why Iron Chef America became boring: the complete lack of creativity with regard to technique, flavor and presentation. The Food Network has slowly become the Chopped Channel. Every single show is some convoluted competition thing. It’s become a network where chefs flail around a kitchen for an hour, while Guy Fieri is obnoxious, Alton glares and pretends to be overly quirky and tells people that they suck if they can’t make meals out of rice noodles and bubble gum and snotty judges, with their needless snobbery on overload, crap all over dishes for not being perfect when they can’t possibly be perfect given the shitty ingredients these people are forced to use.
If the show’s editing and judge opinions are to be believed, Nakajima should have won this contest.
By eliminating Nakajima, Food Network continues to go for their usual safe, bullshit-blah garbage.
Nobody remaining makes me say “wow”, except when I’m saying it while I shake my head at them.
I will finish these recaps (there are only two left) but I sincerely hope none of the three chefs go on to join Iron Chef America because nearly all my interest in this show has just died.
Season 3 Episode 5: “Spanking the Zombie”
Original Air Date: May 2, 2017
This week on iZombie’s “Spanking the Zombie” Liv is a dominatrix and Major is forced to take the Zombie Cure in order to survive.
Brain of the Week:
Liv is not excited to eat the brain of this week’s victim for two reasons: 1) The victim, Sweet Lady Pain, was a dominatrix who died in her sex dungeon 2) Ravi has been using Sweet Lady Pain’s brain for his blue liquid memory experiment.
Liv does her best to mask the blue chemical infused brain by breading and frying it because frying makes everything taste better.
While at the crime scene/sex dungeon Liv and Clive discover that Sweet Lady Pain had been secretly taping her “sessions” and that the memory card for the hidden camera is missing. Liv also realizes that Ravi’s experiments somehow altered Sweet Lady Pain’s brain to induce longer and more intense vision that don’t need a trigger occur. Luckily for Liv, and the case, this results in Liv getting a visual of Ms. Pain’s clients (aka potential perps). Some of the clients Liv is able to identify on her own such as Floyd Baracaus (the Zombie running for Mayor), Johnny Frost (the sleazy news anchor) and Brandt Stone (the sleazy defense attorney).
For the clients Liv is not able to identify, she recruits Jimmy the “Sketch Bitch” for assistance.
Dominatrix Liv interacting with the Jimmy “The Sketch Bitch” was hilarious. Since she can’t admit that the faces came from Zombie vision Liv tells Jimmy that all of the faces were sent to her via SnapChat so they went poof as soon as they were opened. When he asks why she didn’t screenshot the snaps, Liv shows him who is boss.
Liv: “Be a good little sketch bitch and pick up the pad”
And Sketch Bitch is digging it. Even after Liv calls him pathetic, yells at him for any backtalk, and only allows him to have two swallows of his soup for lunch, Jimmy asks Clive whether or not Liv is single.
Johnny Frost comes back to the precinct represented by Brandt Stone and admits that a former client of Ms. Pain has been using the sex dungeon videos as blackmail. Using the sketches provided by Jimmy, the team identifies who the blackmailer is and sets up the most ridiculous sting operations in the history of the world. Liv and Ravi are playing a cute couple just taking a nice awkward stroll through the park. The fact that they bicker over the size of Ravi’s smile and the speed and length of their gait doesn’t make them stand out at all. Frost looks like he is about to shit himself as he is standing around with a conspicuous manilla envelope waiting for the drop-off. And then there is Clive who is wearing an old-timey Ice Cream Man uniform while pushing an old timey ice cream cart. It makes no sense. Who cooked up this plan? In the end, Clive’s alias saves the day when he uses his ice cream cart to catapult the blackmailer off of his bike.
In the interrogation room, Liv plays the role of the bad cop (breaking the security camera and all) and the perp confesses almost immediately blurting out “fine I did it for all the reasons you said.” This guy totally just gave a false confession because he was intimidated by Liv, right? I mean, it felt like the confession was forced and false, but there was no follow-up. The storyline ended with the confession. If this dude is going to come back later in the show I guess I am okay with this. If not, this was an abrupt and lazy way for the iZombie writers to close the storyline.
Fillmore Graves vs. the Anti-Zombie Militia
In addition to solving the crime of the week, Clive and Liv are still “covertly” investigating Wally’s death. They hit a little snag though when Harley Johns informs Det. Cavanaugh that “a black cop and his pale partner” paid him a visit. Cavanaugh is upset that the dynamic duo interfered with his investigation and warns them to back off.
Instead of backing off, Clive decides that it is time to get serious and enlists the help of Vivian Stohl! Oh Vivian, how I love/missed thee. Vivian concocts a beautifully brilliant plan to deal with the “Harley Johns the Zombie Hunter” problem. Viv invites Mr. Johns to FG under the guise of offering him condolences/financial reparations for his brother’s death. What Vivian and her two number twos really want is to find out what Mr. Johns knows about Zombies, and have some commandos bug his truck.
Vivian spins a fabulous yarn about how some of their employees were exposed to the “virus” at the Max Rager party and now they only want to eat brains. As a concerned employer, she needs Mr. Johns expertise in order to help protect her employees. Johns buys the story and spills all of his Zombie knowledge and his plans to exterminate all Zombies.
Major
Major starts off the episode overseas in the throes of war, or combat, or something. Even though Major got stabbed 34 times, the FG soldiers were able to save the Americans they came for and bring home a bunch of brains to mash up and eat for dinner. So their mission was a success.
When Major gets back home from the mission, his symptoms from Zombie Cure #1 become too much for his body to handle and he collapses. Thankfully Justin (his new FG commando friend who I want to get together with Liv) is there to bring him to Ravi and Liv. The time has finally come to give Major the new Zombie cure. Well, almost. They need to wait for Major’s zombie body to heal the 30+ stab wounds he sustained in battle because once he is human again, that shit will kill him. So he has to wait for his Zombie body to heal his wounds.
As they wait, Liv stays by Major’s side as he grapples with his impending future, or more accurately, the lack thereof. He makes Liv promise to remind him every day about how much they loved each other, and tell new Major about the first time they kissed. On that note, he wants Liv to give New Major a new name, one that is less silly. Even in the last moments of his life, Major is able to keep his optimistic sweetness that makes him so special:
Major: “There’s one silver lining to forgetting everything” Liv: “What?” Major: “You’ll knock me off my feet all over again”
The two look into each other eyes and decide to spend what could possibly be their last night together, together.
The next morning with the two most important people by his side, Major receives the Zombie Cure and hopes for the best. Even though I have known that this moment was coming since the beginning of the season, it wasn’t until Major actually needed the cure that the potential loss of Major hit me. It took everything inside of me to not start sobbing while Pearl Jam’s “Just Breathe” starting playing in the background.
This was also the first time this season that I genuinely felt bad for Ravi. And if you have read any of my recaps, you know how little I think of Ravi so far this season. No matter what Ravi does, he is about to lose his best friend. If he doesn’t give Major the serum, he will die. If he does give Major the serum, all of Major’s memories will be erased. Major will be physically alive, but will no longer be himself. It felt like someone had punched me straight in the heart as I watched a teary-eyed Ravi mentally prepare himself for what he had to do.
Other things:
Donnie befriends a low-level drug dealing stoner and the two decide to do some Utopium together. While they are super high and dancing around to Oasis, Donnie offers to make his new buddy a zombie, and his new buddy accepts. Yay, Donnie has a new friend.
Mr. Johns makes a point to say the only foolproof way to test for zombies it to take their pulse. It seemed like they put an emphasis on this, so I am interested to see how this nugget of information will come into play later on.
While at FG the audience witnessed for the first time what Live looks like to other people while she is having a vision, and it was amazing!
In my review of the iZombie season premiere, I noted that Liv says “I downloaded Major and Clive on what you told me” and that I had never heard anyone use this phrase to express informing someone of information before in my entire life. Well, Liv uses the phrase again in “Spanking the Zombie” when she tells Clive that she will “download him” on the meeting later. Am I crazy to think this isn’t actually a thing?
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 4 “Avalanche” Available on Netflix GRADE: B-
We’ve seen 60’s camp and we’ve been through 80’s awfulness…so what’s left for Mystery Science Theater 3000 to cover? The 70’s! Rock Hudson and Mia Farros star in “Avalanche”…and I feel compelled to mention that Steven Franken from last week’s experiment, “The Time Travelers” returns here as “McDade”, a character who sounds like he should be sliding across hoods of cars and jumping into the air firing twin nines with explosions raging in the background…but, really, he’s just a grown-up version of the dweeby Danny. In any case, it takes far too long for the actual “avalanche” to actually happen and, when it does…well, some people are rescued while others are left for dead…but there’s champagne stuck in the ice so why not celebrate, right? Also, there’s this awesome love triangle which you’d think would be kinkier than it is, considering the time period…but, no, it’s between an airheaded Mia Farrow, a lecherous, overweight, elderly Rock Hudson (he’d seen MUCH better days than this) and a boring Robert Forster. It’s a good thing we moved on to 80’s, a time filled with Phil Collins, cocaine and the paranoia and feeling of impending doom brought on by the Cold War, huh?
MST3K’s writers usually excel with this type of material. The 70’s mixed with disaster porn? Hell, films from the 70’s themselves always make for good watching. “Mitchell” was one of the show’s finest hours, “Laserblast” is one of my personal favorites, “Puma Man” is gold, the numerous Sandy Frank entries…there just seems to be a very comfy vibe when Jonah and the Bots take on the 70’s…except that, here, the riffing is frustratingly uneven for the second week straight. Most of the good lines come before the avalanche as Jonah and the Bots become accustomed to the characters and their motivations and there are laughs to be had as the boys attack Mia Farrow’s vapid nature, Rock Hudson’s dress habits (and penchant for “having lunch” seemingly all the time), and the different “lanches” leading up to the actual “avalanche” (Flags get blown over? FLAGALANCHE! A plane crashes on a mountain? PLANEALANCHE! A wolf howls in the background? WOLFALANCHE!) This is where they excel. During the avalanche and after it, however? The jokes become lazy and smile-inducing at best. We’ve seen better than this — even during The Time Travelers. It’s a bit of a letdown. But, even still, YAY STEVEN FRANKEN’S BACK!!!
Here are the gems:
(We see a rundown-looking ski resort) SERVO: This is like if ‘The Shining’ was booked on Priceline.
(Doorman helps Caroline out of the car.) CROW (as doorman): “Welcome to the 70’s, Miss Farrow!”
(Patrons in hotel are wearing heavy clothing and sweaters) CROW: Everyone here looks SO flammable!
(Rock Hudson is seen standing in his office, striking a relaxed pose) JONAH: “Levi’s: Mature Fit”
(David awkwardly kisses Caroline, then parts with her just as awkwardly, walking away) DAVID: “Ok…” CROW (as Caroline): It’s not you. I’m a wood elf. We don’t show affection through kissing, we exchange syrup.
(David stutters uncontrollably) (Jonah imitates David stuttering.) CROW: Was there a writer’s strike in ’78?
(McDade and Florence climb through thick snow with Florence’s dialogue coming out stuttered and out-of-breath) FLORENCE: In case you haven’t noticed…not only…are we outdoors…and knee-deep in snow…but we are…also…going UPHILL!!! JONAH (as the movie’s director): OH, CUT! TAKE 15! DO IT AGAIN!!!
(The film suddenly and randomly cuts to a skier getting ready to ski.) SERVO: Now, who’s THIS guy?! It’s becoming like a Marvel movie in here…
(Skier survives a small avalanche by inexplicably leaping into a tree. He whips his ski mask off and looks down at the avalanche he just escaped.) JONAH: Mentos! The freshmaker!
(Mia Farrow is swimming in a heated pool during a cold front) NICK: It’s cold out here. Aren’t you cold? CAROLINE: Yep. I’m freezing! Come on inside! JONAH (as Nick): “Inside?!” What, did you build a mermaid cave or something?!
(We witness a dance party. The people dancing are wearing awful-looking dated clothing.) JONAH: Oh, 1978, you have so many crimes to answer for…
(The film randomly cuts to the raging snowstorm outside the party for the 5th time.) SERVO: WHY do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune?! CROW: I don’t know but I wish they’d just STAY there!
(Caroline and Nick run into one another.) CAROLINE: Oh…are you leaving? NICK: Yeah, I, uh…I’m ready to escape. JONAH (as Nick): My jacket turns into a badger at midnight…wanna watch?
(Caroline and Nick walk through a huge snowbank outside as a wolf howls loudly off-screen.) CAROLINE: What a wild place to live! NICK: You think so? CROW: Sounds like they’re in for a WOLF-alanche!
(Nick warns Caroline to be careful not to slip as she stumbles through snow and wind.) CROW: This is why going outside SUCKS and is, frankly, overrated.
(Caroline walks into Nick’s place and closes the door behind them.) JONAH (as Nick): So…wanna make fondue since it’s the 70’s or what-not?
(Caroline explores Nick’s place and looks at his photo equipment.) CROW: You know, not like I’m complaining but, at this point, Gene Hackman was already halfway through the Poseidon…
(Nick goes upstairs with hot chocolate. Caroline waits.) JONAH (as Nick): Careful, that photo enlarger has a hair-trigger, so you might wanna be — OH MY GOD, SHE’S DEAD!!!
(Outside, the ski resort’s flags start blowing down to the ground.) SERVO: New World Pictures presents…FLAGALANCHE!!!
(David walks into the hotel lobby — which is covered in brown wood — wearing brown slacks and brown plaid.) JONAH: Is everything BROWN or do I have retina damage?!
(Avalanche helps destroy the resort kitchen. The kitchen explodes and a woman dressed in a long sleeve shirt and green skirt gets thrown across a table.) CROW: This kitchen has a CHEERLEADER?!
(Fire engines rush toward the scene of the avalanche.) CROW: Here comes the fire department to put the avalanche out! SERVO: That would…actually work if they used HOT water…
(A fire truck rips around a corner and loses its first aid kit.) CROW: That wasn’t even caused by the avalanche! They’re just completely incompetent! JONAH: They should change the name of this movie from “Avalanche” to just “General Catastrophe”!
(Police car skids and nearly hits pedestrian who flies into a storefront.) SERVO: Oh, so, now we’re seeing collateral damage from the IDEA of an avalanche?! (Cars and trucks smash into one another.) CROW: What’s next, somebody cutting their finger on the newspaper READING about it?!
(Chaos after the avalanche as several people wander through the new snow.) SERVO: So many new characters! It’s like the third season of LOST!
(Skier gets shocked by electric wire, then falls down off ski lift, emitting a goofy-sounding scream.) JONAH: That’s a missed opportunity for a Wilhelm Scream right there!
(Caroline leaves the resort and David watches her get in cab and slowly leave. Jonah and the Bots start imitating departing guests.) SERVO: “Dear TripAdvisor: Too much snow! Did not appreciate avalanche! Service staff was all dead! Cannot recommend!” CROW: “Dear TripAdvisor: TRIED to get room service, but the kitchen was on fire! Not the kind of service I’m accustomed to!” JONAH: “Dear TripAdvisor: Band at disco only knew one song! Probably nice for singles but not for families who want to keep their children ALIVE!” SERVO: “Dear TripAdvisor: Vending machines only had CHEEZ-ITS! Chair lift and electrocution is nowhere near as fun as advertised!” CROW: “Dear TripAdvisor: Found cheerleader in my salad! Wait staff refused to help! ONE OUT OF FIVE STARS!!!” JONAH: “Dear TripAdvisor: Spent a magical weekend with the owner’s mother. She’s a bright, sassy lady! Seemed to think we were in Hawaii. Surprisingly good on keyboard. Died in a horrible explosion. Three stars.”
The host sequences are mostly fun. Jonah and the Bots paying homage to Rock Hudson makes for a hilarious sketch and runs in facetious juxtaposition to Jonah’s desire to “discuss 70’s light fixtures” which the Bots are nowhere near interested in doing because of their obsession with Rock Hudson and his character’s need to “surround a woman and eat her” while “purposely forgetting what she does for a living”. This is topped, however, by a wonderful sketch involving Kinga’s date with the uber-romantic “Neville”, played by long-time MST3K fan, Neil Patrick Harris. The two sing an adorable duet to one another which turns into a Fugue, of sorts, when Max joins in, longing to know why Kinga doesn’t love him like she loves Neville. Internet geeks out there will recall the two pining for one another on “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” and it’s a very cute “reunion”, of sorts, serving to finally show that Kinga has a softer side. The brilliance here is that the shoe is on the other foot: Kinga is the supervillain while Neville is just a sweet guy. The only bad thing I can say about it is the new MST3K’s penchant for keeping guest stars separate from the main cast. While there is the joke that the two are “dating without touching one another”, the three-way fugue would have worked even better has Harris been on the set with Felicia Day.
The other host segments fall flat. The show has a cold opening (which needs to go next season, if not this one) which features the Bots dressed in suits, imitating “Mad Men”. It’s rushed at 30 seconds, isn’t funny and lacks a punchline, something it has in common with Kinga’s movie distributors on Moon 14. It’s suggested that something is going on with Kinga’s liquid-based television, “causing the manifestation of apparitions” and other strange things but nothing ever comes of this and, thus, comes across as padding. The final sketch involves the names of modern disaster porn like “Sharknado” and “Lavalantula”…but it’s nothing more than the cast sitting there, reciting goofy names for a minute before the film pulls us back into the theater — though “Underground Coyoteprawn Meets the Tsunami Crab Squirrel” has a nice ring to it.
Another week, another standard episode of MST3K. As I said last week, “standard Mystery Science Theater 3000” is fine…but I do long for something better than just “standard”. This show needs to carry on and, to do that, it’s going to need to build a winning streak to remind viewers why they loved this show as well as to show newer viewers that this show is as funny and legendary as everyone claimed it to be. “Avalanche” is a fun episode but could have been made better with sharper sketches and consistently funny riffing.
TANKED Season 12, Episode 2
“Kevin Smith’s Tor-tally Awesome Tank”
AIR DATE: April 28, 2017
GRADE: —
Welcome back to our recap of Animal Planet’s Tanked! This week sees the guys visiting the filmmaker/comic book writer, Kevin Smith. Let’s see what goes down…
LOS ANGELES, CA
Kevin Smith’s Mansion
The boys roll up to Kevin Smith’s beautiful house in the middle of L.A. and the first thing we get is Wayde plugging the Mitsubishi they rolled up in. Really, here’s the exchange between him and Brett:
BRETT: What a smooth ride, man! I slept like a baby! WAYDE: Yeah, this car’s equipped with Blind Spot Warning and Lane-Change Assist! All I need is a co-pilot!
This isn’t the first time they’ve done that on this show and it sticks out like a sore thumb.
Wayde regrets having to be up and here by 6 AM. Brett just opens the front door and walks right the hell in. Kevin’s happy to see the duo and gives them a hug. Wayde can’t believe he’s standing in Ben Affleck’s former house, which Smith calls “Wayne Manor”, since “Ben is now Bat-ffleck”. They’ve been in the house for a little over fifteen years and they still call it “Ben Affleck’s House”. Brett says that they get to work with Smith after he got to work with some amazing stars. He calls Smith “Robin” and Wayde “Fatman”, then says they could make a comic called “Fatman and Baldman”. Smith says he already did that, so don’t compete with him.
Smith goes to show the boys his turtles but stops short to show off his collection of hockey jersey patches since Smith always has his trademark hockey jersey on, calling the jersey, “The Fat Guy’s Mumu”. Smith says that he’s been living off of “Clerks” for some time and that’s done near a dozen films. Brett says that he and Wayde should be in film, giving us another weird moment where Brett says that they should have a film called “Brett and Silent Wayde”. Smith says he’d sue the shit out of them and I’m ready to move the hell on to the tank.
Smith says that his kid got two baby turtles that grew up and became bigger. His daughter became disinterested in the turtles at that point. He went out to get a bigger tank but they got even bigger. Then she got a tortoise but he got bigger as well. Smith says that the three need more space than they’re actually being provided. He had a friend of his design him two huge tanks for these animals which he thought were great at the time since the turtles had lots of space to move around. Then he saw Tanked and he realized that the tanks he had were “low rent”. Smith admits he’s embarrassed to show off his turtle habitat.
He wants a tank that separates the turtles but makes it so they can still see one another. He says that, right now, it’s like “Romeo & Juliet” where one always wants the other but can’t have them. He goes out to the patio and shows them “Turtleopolis”.
Brett loves the turtles he sees and picks one up and you can’t help but fall in love.
Smith is beside himself and says that he had no idea you could pick up turtles like that and handle them. He was always afraid that they’d get sick or not like the smell of human hands on them but Wayde explains that the you can lightly handle turtles like this as long as you’re not passing them around to others or abusing them so they become stressed out. Wayde explains that this species is a “Red-Eared Slider” because they have red near their ears and they “slide” into the water as a defense mechanism if predators tried to pick them off.
Brett, who I swear is getting lazier the older the show gets, says he’s like a “Slider” in that he “slides right into the couch with the remote when he gets home”.
For the record, the turtles are named “Hannah” and “Montana”. Smith has no idea which I’m sure Miley Cyrus has already named her boobs, but I can’t be sure.
In the other tank is the land tortoise Smith’s daughter has named, “Snappy” which, like “Hannah” and “Montana”, Smith recalls with a verbal cringe. It looks like a “Snappy”.
Smith says that he tries to get Snappy to swim around with the turtles.but Snappy makes the water too dirty.
He says he wants the tank refurbished but Brett talks him into buying a new tank altogether, telling Smith that if he can afford Ben Affleck’s house, he can afford a tank, too. The plan is to take the turtles back to Vegas with the guys and move the old tank so that the new tank can move in.
One catch: Smith wants the tank on the top floor patio. The boys explain that it’s going to be hard to get the tank up (even though they’ve done that in about 57 other episodes but what’s continuity?) and they’re also not sure if the patio can support the weight of the tank. “No!” says Kevin. “It HAS to be up here! HAS to!”
There’s a beat…
Then Kevin laughs and says he’s kidding and that he was giving them one of those Reality Show “act-outs”. He leaves the boys to it — but with the assistance of his “House Boy”, Jason Mewes. Kevin introduces the two guys as the “Fish Tank Version of Jay and Silent Bob”. Jason: “Yeah…sexier, though.” Smith explains the plan to Mewes saying that “Turtleopolis” is about to become “Turtlemageddon”. Smith wants Mewes to show the boys the new tank location. Brett wants to be “directed” to which Smith says, “He’s using the language of our work!”
They go downstairs where Mewes, for being about seven years sober, trips fucking balls, flailing while describing weird, arbitrary features of his dream tank:
“I’m thinkin’ — I don’t know what he’s talked to you about — but I’m thinkin’ like a four-tier where there’s a little, like a slide for the turtle, the turtles to slide…can we do that? All right, so the tank, I’m thinking, will be like right here…and I’m thinkin’, like, four-tiers, slide, maybe a fireman’s pole, I’ve always — maybe a ROPE SWING because we used to have a rope swing, right, where there’s like dry land under a bridge in Jersey. We used to swing over, so the turtles, I’m thinking they can (imitates turtle swinging)–oh my god, a slingshot would work! The, the one turtle can go from wet to the dry land — oh, so, sorry, we’re gonna need, like, a DRY area…and then I was thinking, what if we had the old school Batman, like the bookcase? And like the little turtle, if he hits the right thing in the wall, I don’t if it’s like a little statue, a rock statue, the button and, then the bookshelf doors open up, it’s like a hidden room. I’m tellin’ ya’ — AND A PERISCOPE! Right, so, like the turtles, they — the little WET turtles — and, they wanna look up at the dry land, right? They have a PERISCOPE! That’s just some of my ideas!”
And the whole fucking time, Brett and Wayde just stand there, staring like this:
Brett wants to know if Smith gave Mewes free reign over the whole thing. Mewes says he did. Brett’s skeptical. Wayde says it’s not impossible to put a tank in here due to the bushes in the way (something else they’ve done a shit-ton of times before this) but they can do this.
The boys grab the turtles and head back to Vegas.
Oh wait: Wayde has to plug the back-up camera on the Mitsu-fucking-bishi. “If not for us, we have to do it for our new friends!” he explains to Brett.
LAS VEGAS, NV
Acrylic Tank Manufacturing
Back at ATM, Wayde shows Heather and Agnes Kevin Smith’s turtles. The girls “really like Smith”, then name-drop “Clerks” because who the hell saw any of the other films, right? The girls actually ask if “Wayde stole Kevin Smith’s turtles”. Did I mention that the women on this show are the worst? Because they are. Wayde wants to get an empty spare tank until Heather mentions that they could just be dropped in the man-made pond habitat instead. Holy shit, I take back what I just said. Wayde likes the idea since there’s a fence around the area so they wouldn’t be able to go anywhere. Agnes asks Wayde if the turtles in the box he’s carrying are heavy. Wayde says they are and Agnes observes that they’re “big turtles” and she just knows big turtles. She’s seen them “in pictures”. Jesus…
They go out to the pond and Heather, for some reason, knows which turtle is which before we get into an absolute squeal-fest of a segment where the turtles are dropped into ATM’s “pond” out front.
Then Wayde drops this: “When we’re done with his tank, we have to give him back his turtles…which means you guys will have to go back in there and catch them.” Not surprisingly, the women are shocked (shocked!) by this! Heather and Agnes look at each other and Heather asks, “WE have to go in there?!” as if being asked to scuba-dive into a tank of sharks.
Later, Brett and Wayde had their tank artist draw up Jason Mewes’ plans for Kevin Smith’s tank. Yes, man-hours were wasted to push this ridiculous sub-plot along. After they’re done, the boys call Kevin Smith regarding these designs and Smith isn’t at all excited about the plans put forth by Mewes.
But, hey, at least they didn’t actually build the thing.
Smith says he doesn’t like any of what his friend came up with and calls his design “too creative”, saying that it “reads like pure Jason Mewes”. Smith says that this is the reason why Mewes doesn’t have creative input into his movies and that he was just supposed to show the guys the location of the tank, Since Brett and Wayde are playing this whole thing for Reality TV laughs, they show Smith the tank THEY came up with which Smith approves, wholeheartedly.
The idea is a full tank with the same shape but none of Mewes’ gimmicks. There will be a dry tortoise mini-tank in the corner but the water turtles will own most of the tank. On top of that, Koi will be added and the tank will have a river theme with a wood-grain finish and a water fall in the background to give the whole thing a relaxing feel.
Heather and Agnes join Wayde in the shop as he starts in with the tank glass. While he does all the work, they stand there and provide commentary like, “That’s a cool shape!” My god…and then Wayde explains why it’s the shape it’s in as if this is the very first tank they’ve been involved with making. So, then, Wayde gets their help trying to keep the glass flat by having them stand on either end. Wayde explains this, too. THEN, he explains how their friggin’ glass-baking oven works while the girls pretend they didn’t know how the oven worked, ever.
Then Wayde explains how heat works and how heated glass bends when it cools. The whole segment is really borderline insulting. Then Wayde physically helps both women off the board. Ugh.
Brett and Wayde go back to the main office and there’s a giant freakin’ tortoise there waiting for them for some reason, courtesy of Tyler and Sarah Stewart of “Tortoise Supply”. The turtle is an African Desert Tortoise and the whole segment is filler as Tyler stands there explaining turtle diets and then shows Wayde and Brett the Red-Eared Slider and describing the species as if we didn’t just hear this 15 minutes ago from Wayde, himself! In any case, the segment ends with Wayde feeding Daisy, who is absolutely huge.
The boys visit Redneck in the fabrication shop and describe the waterfall plans — but Redneck can only get a small trickle of water. Rednecks’ ultimate concern is that the turtles might be able to climb out of the tank.
GARDENA, CA
Poseidon Aquatics
Wayde sends the ladies to Poseidon Aquatics to go choose Koi and, OMG, they’re, like SO super-excited because it’s “a new fish place for them”. The owner mentions a Koi called “Sanke”, prompting the girls to fall all over themselves, mispronouncing the name and asking, “Sanke? Like DONKEY? Donkey with an ‘S’?!” The owner is already exasperated as fuck and just says, “It’s a tri-color! Just…call it a tri-color…” Then, we get a lecture on Koi while the women stand there, listening intently.
Apparently, Koi are worth more based on their markings. Which is why the white one with no markings whatsoever is worth, like, five grand. M-kay.
LAS VEGAS, NV
Acrylic Tank Manufacturing
The tank is almost done so the girls are assigned to turtle retrieval. They go nuts and shriek because the water is cold. Then they shriek some more because the pond Koi keep rubbing against their legs. Finally, they find their turtles and grab one. They can’t locate Montana’s sister so, by god, Heather gets a scuba mask for a fucking POND. She scopes out Hannah and, soon, both turtles are back in good hands.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Kevin Smith’s house
The ATM crew is ready for the install but the main hedge in the courtyard is blocking the first part of the tank drop. With a little elbow grease and some manpower on the house side, the first part finally gets dropped in, The second part (the actual tank) is gonna be just as hard — and things get real complicated when the L.A. Fuzz shows up, wondering why these installers are blocking the street.
With the heat on the corner and pressure to get the install done quickly, the guys hurry the tank drop and successfully get the second piece down. Wayde smooths things over with the police and we’re good for the rest of the tank install. They drop in “Nature’s Ocean Pure Water Pebbles”, name-dropping the hell out of yet another product. The tank is filled, the dry bedding is dropped in and all the props are put in place. Finally, the turtles and Koi are added and it’s time to show off the tank.
Kevin Smith walks in and he’s blown away. They explain the glass shape as a “custom bow-front” which Smith says is exactly like his body shape. Smith’s just excited to have Koi in there with his turtles. He says it’s beyond Turtlemageddon — it’s more like Turtleocalypse. He loves the trickling waterfall and says that the white noise is relaxing and that he can’t wait to sit out on the patio and relax and just stare. The tank also has a UV light fixture which is great for the turtles. The tortoise has his own personal space in the corner.
And a closer look:
Smith is incredibly touched, saying he’s gonna look at the tank the rest of his life. He makes the guys a deal: the next time he makes a movie, the guys will be in it.
Smith, Wayde and Brett part and Smith tells the camera that the tank is incredible.
LAS VEGAS, NV
Acrylic Tank Manufacturing
Brett walks in, showing off a thank-you letter from Kevin Smith. The letter comes with a patch for Wayde and Brett, a play on the Pep Boys logo.
The letter states that the tank is great and the turtles have a nice upgraded home where they’re even “friends with the Koi”. Brett is even more stoked when Smith tells them that they will, indeed, be in his next movie and the episode comes to an end.
A very by-the-book business-oriented episode that was hard to get through. Heather and Agnes are beyond annoying and should be portrayed as smart women, not airheads as Season 12 has been treating them. The tank, however, is gorgeous, one of the best the guys have created. I have a soft spot for river-themed tanks.
Season 1, Episode 3
“Sweet and Savory”
AIR DATE: April 30, 2017
GRADE: —
When we last left Iron Chef Gauntlet and The Other Kitchen Stadium, Chef Nakamura and Chef Sawyer got into a fight to the death over bananas with Nakamura standing tall at the end of it with the best combo of bananas and Something Else on the Plate. We’re in Week 3 and the competition is getting tight…who wins tonight? Who goes home? Let’s find out!
To refresh your memory, your remaining competition consists of…
“LIZARD” WITHOUT AN “L”!
2-TO-1 VEGAS ODDS!
QUEENPIN!
BROS, BEER AND BRAISING!
and SECRET INGREDIENT SEXYPANTS!
The survivors walk into the kitchen as Chef Nakajima says that last week made him realize just how badly he wants to make it to the end. Grueneberg says that it’ still “anyone’s game”. Brilliant analysis of a show that’s been on two weeks and has featured a whopping four competitions — two of which she was in. Thanks, Scott Van Pelt! Izard says that Nakajima is definitely the one to beat. Yup. We’re telegraphing the hell out of the final result.
Alton Brown goes into Evil Host mode and asks if the kitchen is “looking a bit bigger today” and then answers his own rhetorical question, stating that this trend will continue. Alton says that the chefs should be getting to know one another. Alton reveals the first secret ingredient: a bunch of random stuff that has different flavors. It’s time to make something “sweet, yet savory”. Also, every single ingredient on the table is first come, first serve, meaning that once a certain ingredient is taken, no other chef can use it.
Two dishes must be made. One sweet, one savory.
Alton starts our 45-minute timer.
Grueneberg has no idea where to begin while (fucking SURPRISE!), Gulotta is gonna have fun with “fish sauce and caramel” because he’s from NEW ORLEANS GUIZE — but, ruh-roh, Nakajima muscles Gulotta away and takes the fish sauce. Gulotta’s got the Blue Cheese, though. Don’t worry. Dady’s got sesame seeds. Grueneberg has the beets. Izard grabs the Black Beans, the only thing left and I’m left wondering how any of this stuff constitutes as “sweet” or “savory” without obvious help from the nearby pantry.
Izard says her mind is “blown” by only having Black Beans. Nakajima rubs this in by asking her “what it’s like to have Black Beans”. Izard laughs, the perfect rational substitute for not making the little shit wear them. Gulotta is going for an ice cream made of the cheese and cardamom. Nakajima is doing clams. AGAIN. With Sake marinade. AGAIN. Then he declares Grueneberg will “beat them all”. She’s shocked — until Nakajima explains he meant “beet us all”. Little shit’s got jokes.
Grueneberg has a dairy mixture with beets in it. Dady is making a white sesame cheesecake with black sesame sauce. He’s not at all nervous. Izard has ZERO idea where she’s going so…time for ice cream! Alton warns her that if he thinks her black beans are chocolate chips and he tastes her ice cream and it isnt — she’s doomed. Helluva pep talk, Alton. It works, however, and suddenly, Izard’s all over the place, tossing together Chaat.
With fifteen minutes left, Dady’s turning Japanese with some Dashi and Kobu ingredients. Gulotta starts melting sugar over the cheese he picked out. Nakajima has clams going with Rice Wine as Alton yells that people MUST come up with two dishes…you know, in case they thought the amount of dishes needed multiplied. Finally, the time’s up and it’s time for a tasting…
CHEF GRUENEBERG (Beets)
DISH #1: Fried Beet Schnitzel – Alton has no idea how in the hell Grueneberg came up with beets fried in Panko and he’s never eaten something like that before…but he says it’s an awesome dish, nonetheless.
DISH #2: Red Beet Panna Cotta – Alton says it’s very “beet-forward” but that she needs to “work on the set”…whatever the hell that means. In any case, Alton says it’s risky and “Iron Chef-y”.
CHEF IZARD (Black Beans)
DISH #1: Black Bean Ice Cream – Alton likes it…but says her plating sucks. The dish is curved downward on two sides, propping the dessert up in the middle. This causes unwanted melting…or as Alton puts it: “Bad! BAD!!!”
DISH #2: Black Bean Chaat with Tomato Chutney – Alton says the dish is “very sour” and needed more noodles.
CHEF NAKAJIMA (Fish Sauce)
DISH #1: Yogurt with Berries & Fish Sauce – Nakajima’s very proud of his dessert. Alton loves it. The yogurt is of perfect consistency and melds well with the Fish Sauce.
DISH #2: Braised Shellfish with Fish Sauce – Alton says it’s too salty which just throws everything else off.
CHEF DADY (Sesame Seeds)
DISH #1: Soba Noodles with Black & White Sesame Sauces – Dady’s being cute, using two “yin/yang” sytle dishes for his white and black sauces. Alton Alton-splains “the danger of the ‘yin/yang'”, saying it’s now a “binary plate” that he can now count as “two dishes”. Therefore, the black sauce is great and fantastic with good flavor. The white sauce is too bland.
DISH #2: White Sesame Cheesecake with Black Sesame Coulis – Black sesame sauce is great, says Alton. White sauce had too much coconut and not enough sesame. Alton says that Dady sucked with the white sesame seeds.
CHEF GULOTTA (Blue Cheese)
DISH #1: Carmelized Blue Cheese with Crab Meat Salad – Alton says that the seafood mixes well with the Blue Cheese…but the plate’s too greasy. Too much oil. It’s the first thing he gets when he tastes anything.
DISH #2: Blue Chesse & Cardamom Ice Cream – Alton loves the ice cream and the spice counters the Gorgonzola well. Alton says that the bacon, however, injects things with too much salt.
Alton announces today’s First Round winner…
CHEF GRUENEBERG
Sigh…the most boring chef in the kitchen but Alton loves her because she fried a beet in Panko.
The losing chef?
CHEF GULOTTA
And, of course, Grueneberg gets shrewd and picks his opponent:
CHEF NAKAJIMA
Just. Fuck. This. Unless I’m being far too negative, there’s no way the kid wins two straight Final Round challenges here and picking him is uber-cheap. Grueneberg says that it’s because “Nakajima’s clam dish was unservable” as opposed to Izard’s “too sour Chutney” and Dady’s “bland white sesame sauce”, but here we are.
Grueneberg puts on an Anne Burrell-style phony grin and says, “I’m sorry”. Nakajima looks annoyed — but says he’s going to win this because he won last week. With wins come confidence.
Gulotta says that Nakajima isn’t to be underestimated.
Alton then reveals the Secret Ingredient…
OCTOPUS!!!
Alton: “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!”
Nakajima’s grinning from ear to ear while Grueneberg’s eyes light up. “Great ingredient,” she says. Nakajima’s nervousness all but vanishes. Gulotta admits that this is up Nakajima’s alley but that he’s going to do the best he can.
Alton sets the timer for 60 minutes and three dishes.
Nakajima breaks down fibers with cloth and a Sake bottle. The chefs waiting in the Peanut Gallery are VERY impressed with this technique. Nakajima’s skills are incredible and he stands there, calmly mixing things up while narrating like he’s on his own cooking show. Gulotta is pressure cooking one Octopus with garlic and ginger. Gulotta says he’s making some sort of salad. The Peanut Gallery giggles as Nakajima runs back and forth — then they start worrying because Nakajima isn’t cooking the larger octopus he picked out.
Playing to the audience, we get this exchange:
NAKAJIMA: Chef Gulotta…how do you feel about doing seafood against me? GULOTTA: Oh…you know, I’m only marginally terrified…but…I’ve spent most of my life being “marginally terrified”.
This is good television.
Whereas Nakajima attempts to work his magic, Gulotta goes Asian with some Chinese and Indian flair.
All this while Grueneberg says things like:
“I love Potatoes and Octopus.”
“What a good idea.”
“YEAH!!!”
Nakajima wraps Octopus around freakin’ MUSHROOMS and goes to fry them in Tempura, something that gets high marks from Dady and Grueneberg and a frozen stare from Izard who just looks crestfallen no matter what happens to her. Finally, she manages a reductive “When all else fails, make it a tempura.” But cutting the octopus’s suckers off the tentacle and making a cucumber salad with that? Dady can’t believe he didn’t think of that calling it, “Friggin’ original.”
Finally, the final round ends with Nakajima and Gulotta hugging.
The Peanut Gallery cheers, calling both men’s work “impressive”…while Chef Izard says (and I’m not making this up, I swear), “I want a hug…”
Seriously.
Jesus, that’s fucking depressing.
It’s time for the tasting and our guest tasters are Iron Chef Marc Forgione (someone Gulotta calls “a legend” when he’s anything but – dude hasn’t been an Iron Chef but for a decade, for crying outloud) and Giada De Laurentiis. I can’t find anything I can say about her except I love watching her cook.T
CHEF GULOTTA
The first course is Octopus Salad with Fresh Tomato Curry. Forgione and Giada like it but feel like the Artichoke and Tomatoes were the highlights of the dish. Forgione says it tasted like Gazpacho and not Curry. Giada calls Gulotta’s octopus “pretty basic”. Forgione agrees, saying that it feels like the octopus just kinda wandered into the dish by accident. Forgione says that the star has to be the secret ingredient and this dish isn’t octopus-based.
The second course is Grilled Baby Octopus with Cuttlefish Ink Aioli. Forgione and Giada each love this dish saying that it tastes so fresh that it just hits you as soon as you taste it. Giada says that she admires what Gulotta can do with tomatoes, adding “It’s quite fantastic” in the same tone and demeanor somebody gives when they remember a great former lover. Giada says that the octopus was the big highlight here. Forgione complains that Gulotta left an octopus beak on his plate. Oops.
The final course is Paella Negra with Octopus and Shellfish. Giada loves the plating that makes the food glow. They taste the octopus and it’s fantastic but Giada says there should have been “more octopus” which makes no sense since there was so much octopus on the plate, it could have picked up the table and thrown it against the wall. Forgione loves the shrimp paste — but it doesn’t belong with the dish.
Giada remarks that she’s never eaten three dishes that have made her say “wow” before. Yeah, they’re pouring it on thick here.
CHEF NAKAJIMA
The first course is Tempura-Fried Octopus and Shimeji Mushrooms. I shit you not, Nakajima tells both judges to squeeze “just a little bit of lemon on the dish”. Giada doesn’t listen, squeezes ALL of it in there, ruining the dish — then complains when the lemon overpowers everything and makes her octopus “too chewy”. Then Nakajima actually has to explain what “a little lemon” means, leaving Giada stunned. Alton looks at Nakajima, then Giada…and just half-shrugs as if he’s afraid that if he sides with Nakajima, Giada will pick him up and snap him in half like an angry Jose Canseco. Forgione loves the chewiness and the tempura. Giada says the dish was too chewy, then criticizes Nakajima for “not controlling the seasoning” — except he kinda did that and she didn’t listen.
The second course is Fried Octopus Suckers with Pickled Cucumbers. Both judges love the crunch and they say it’s fun to eat. Forgione and Giada praise him for his ingenuity in turning the octopus into a pickle. They say this dish was “outside the box”.
The final course is Braised Baby Octopus with Turnips. Nakajima doesn’t know when to shut up and tells them that the dish has chicken stock instead of his preferred liquid, Dashi. Forgione tells Nakajima never to tell a judge what he “would have” put in a dish. Regardless, they love the dish, saying it’s delicious and savory. Forgione says that this was a study in simplicity without being boring while Giada says that the entire menu was full of finesse and that nobody sees that type of finesse often. Forgione says that takes confidence.
The judges say that this is tough and they don’t know who to vote off the show.
The two get in the kitchen where Alton tells them that the judges have a “split decision” and the winner was somebody who was really “not decided by the judges” but that they “go by the numbers”. So there IS a winner and the judges decided it using the numbers? Isn’t that ALWAYS the way this is done?
The winner of the Secret Ingredient Challenge is…
CHEF NAKAJIMA.
Nakajima takes a deep breath and it’s revealed he won by five points.
The two shake hands and Gulotta says he cooks what he cooks but it sucks to go home. But, that’s “Iron Chef Gauntlet”. It’s tough.
Nakajima says he’s ready for the final round of Iron Chef Gauntlet – whatever it takes.
That’s it for the third episode. Join us next week for the fourth episode recap where the chefs “re-invent classic food combos”.
Or, in other words, cook something a different way.
“What have they done to us? We are their creatures.”
This week on The White Princess: Baby Arthur is born, Henry’s envoys have trouble in Burgundy, Mama Elizabeth moves prison cells, Lizzie and Henry bond.
Spoilers through The White Princess episode three: “Burgundy.”
Thank goodness The White Princess is moving at a breakneck pace. If there’s one thing that irks me about shows like Game of Thrones, it’s that big events like pregnancies or declarations of war take entire seasons. Luckily for us, both of those things happened in The White Princess’s third episode, “Burgundy.” Usually in historical fiction TV shows, the first few episodes are meandering affairs, taking time to hold the viewer’s hands through explaining the plethora of characters and locations. The White Princess has forsaken these deeds and launched into the highlight reel of the era. And yet, it doesn’t feel like the relationships are cheapened by this move. We understand the main characters and their motives, notice their small gestures, and genuinely get to learn about their feelings.
Burgundy
As of the end of last week’s episode, Jasper Tudor and Lord Strange were sent as English envoys to Burgundy to broker a peace between the two. Jasper was sent as punishment to keep him away from the King’s mother (and their awkward romance), but it seems that move wasn’t as ill-advised. Jasper has a way with words and quickly endears himself to the Duchess of Burgundy (yet another woman in power named Margaret). She doesn’t want war, despite the pleas from Elizabeth Woodville. The Duchess understands the precarious situation she’s in, positioned between France and England, but she’s receptive to Jasper’s words. The two flirt and banter back and forth and just when it seems there could be a peace between the two houses, Lord Strange, a weasel of a man, intervenes. It’s not clear if he’s directly responsible for the death of the Duchess’s daughter, Mary, but she blames the Tudors regardless, and tells them to prepare for war.
Baby Arthur is Born
After only half an hour of pregnancy time over the course of two episodes, Lizzie finally gives birth to baby Arthur. Henry and Margaret whisk Arthur away almost immediately to Winchester to baptize him and while Lizzie is understandably distraught over the separation, she puts up less of a fight. From the moment he is born, we see a change in Lizzie’s demeanor and now she understands the dire situation she and her son are in. Before, Lizzie was more eager to go along with her mother’s plots because it meant freedom for the Yorks, but with Arthur in her arms, Lizzie now has to consider how rebellion would affect his life, as well. If Elizabeth Woodville succeeded in putting Teddy Plantagenet on the throne, would she have to flee with Arthur? Would he be killed in the rebellion because he, too, was a symbol for Lancaster hope? If Lizzie gives in to her mother’s wishes and pleads for war and rescue, then she sentences her family, her son, to more bloodshed.
Despite knowing Elizabeth’s intentions (and her resentment toward Arthur), Lizzie doesn’t wish ill toward her mother and still trusts her counsel. At the end of the day, she begs Henry to put her in an Abbey, where she, theoretically could do less harm. (That, of course, doesn’t pan out because no one can hold back Elizabeth Woodville.)
Before Lizzie’s coronation, Elizabeth writes to her and pleads with her daughter to start a war to “save” their family. She asks that Lizzie come visit her but instead, Lizzie heeds Maggie’s counsel and does her duty as newly coronated Queen.
Henry and Lizzie Have A Moment
Let’s make this perfectly clear: I still don’t love Henry for his actions toward Lizzie. The fact that in his anger and frustration he was still driven to rape his betrothed does not sit well with me. Of course, Lizzie took control of that situation and made Henry rightfully feel like the horrible person he was. That being said, I find myself oddly drawn to Henry and his burgeoning relationship with Lizzie. I don’t care for the way he uses Lizzie to take jabs at his mother, but I think deep down he could be less of a spoiled brat, given he spends enough genuine time with his wife.
Henry confesses that he never expected Lizzie to love him, only that he hoped she wouldn’t try to kill him at every turn. When he asks if she’ll promise to not plot to kill him, she stays silent and I had to chuckle because Lizzie is so true to her stubbornness and I love it. Lizzie doesn’t lie to Henry. She owns who she is. She isn’t a woman who professes love and false niceties to win Henry’s affections. She lays the truth in front of him, plain and simple.
Henry: “Perhaps you cannot understand being told your whole life what you are, with never any chance to think of it for yourself. I sometimes wonder what I would have been, what I would have chosen if my life had been ordinary.” Lizzie: “That is what my life has been as well. A puppet for my mother’s own ambition. It was her who craved the throne for me.”
Henry spends much of his time complaining about how he never wanted the throne, how his mother had planned his life for him without any input, and Lizzie puts down: You’re not the only one. She doesn’t demean his suffering, but she doesn’t placate him either. Once Henry realizes that he isn’t alone but that Lizzie also isn’t going to hold his hand through his emotional childhood, he backs off.
In the end, it’s Lizzie who comes to Henry with the peace offering, bringing baby Arthur and herself to sleep in Henry’s bed chambers. The pair cuddle, finally making their silent respective choices to protect their new family instead of their mothers who conspire against their spouse.
Random Thoughts
Every major decision in The White Princess is made by women. Men sit around and wait for the women to decide what to do next and it’s so wonderful.
I won’t lie, I swooned a little at Henry and Lizzie coming together at the end. Their slow burn romance is great and they’ll need that united front for when Burgundy arrives on their doorstep.
Cecily was less “on-the-nose” this episode and her character was all the better for it. She clearly suffers from a lack of love and she gravitates toward Margaret because even though the affections are false, Margaret shows Cecily the attention she has never had as a child. Even Lizzie pulls Arthur away from Cecily when her sister asks to hold him. It makes her a much more sympathetic character to cast her in such a subtle light.
Maggie and Teddy still have the most heartbreaking arc on the show. Maggie is the absolute best character right now. She’s whip smart at reading others but she still cares for everyone but herself. It kills me to know that in the coming weeks, things cannot end well for her or Teddy.
The White Princess airs Sundays on Starz at 8pm EST.
Starz’s American Gods is a look into a different reality where gods, myths, and magic are alive and co-existing with humans in modern day America. Based on the acclaimed novel by Neil Gaiman, the series tells the story of Shadow Moon (Ricky Whittle), a convict who has been released from prison five days early only to discover that his beloved wife died in a car accident. He ends up working for Mr. Wednesday (Ian McShane), an eccentric character he first meets on the plane while on his way to his wife’s funeral.
The eight-part miniseries is high on style and drama with the potential to be gripping television. Helmed by Bryan Fuller (Hannibal, Pushing Daisies) and Michael Green (Logan), the show is off to a great start as we are introduced to another kind of America brimming with mythical beings and magic. We join Shadow on his journey out of prison into a strange new world that is both mesmerizing and terrifying as he meets peculiar folks like Sweeney who calls himself a leprechaun (Pablo Schreiber) and Technical Boy (Bruce Langley), a powerful being who assaults him via a VR helmet.
While the story moves slowly, dropping little hints here and there alluding to different characters’ motives, it serves to build anticipation as audiences gradually see the larger narrative. Fuller and Green have done a tremendous job in world building as we are given not only Shadow’s perspective but also views from the old gods as they live diminished existences in an increasingly technology dependent society.
One of the highlights of the show is its exploration into the power of belief. Shadow has trouble accepting the strange things he is witnessing and experiencing as they travel from one place to another. As a modern man, he is conditioned to believe that magic is not real, but his boss challenges him to expand his mind. We too as the audience must ask ourselves if we can be open to the possibilities that there may be circumstances that science may never be able to explain.
Another interesting aspect is the strength of belief as seen in how it affects the lives of the old gods. It is the intensity of human worship and proselytization that gives vitality and potency to these otherworldly beings. While in the past they were venerated with temples, offerings, sacrifices, and prayer, as immigrants in modern America they must get jobs and subside in motels or cheap apartments. It’s the new deities like Technical Boy and Media (Gillian Anderson) who now have dominion over man. This competition between the old and the new is a larger part of the storyline in American Gods and is also an element of the country’s ongoing narrative, which makes the show that much more entertaining to watch unfold.
Book readers know that eventually Mr. Wednesday is revealed to be the Norse god Odin, but this incarnation of the powerful immortal is much different from what we’ve seen in films like Thor. This character is a conman who is hustling his way across America, roping Shadow into being his accomplice, protector, and driver. Ian McShane does a wonderful job in portraying Mr. Wednesday as a cunning yet likable individual who definitely has many things up his sleeve. In contrast, Ricky Whittle’s Shadow is a bit like a lost puppy (incidentally that is wife’s nickname for him) trying to find his place in a world that he no longer recognizes.
American Gods is quite relevant for the times, reminding us that the country was birthed from immigrants who brought their culture, stories, and apparently their gods over. Coming to America is a tale for both humans and deities alike, taking us from rural towns to sprawling cities to show both the beautiful and ugly parts of life.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 3 “The Time Travelers” Available on Netflix GRADE: B-
Ever wanted to go forward in time to an era where mankind has survived the apocalypse and progressed to living in a swag cave with a bunch of nightmarish android slaves, a spa full of naked women and “love machines”? Then The Time Travelers is the flick for you! The movie stars a slew of veteran B-level actors: Preston Foster! Philip Carey! Steve Franken! Merry Anders (AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!)! John Hoyt! And features cinematography by (of all people) Vilmos Zsigmond who would go on to win an Oscar for his camerawork on Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind. So just what the hell happened?! Ib “Reptillicus” Melchior happened. Sure, he only wrote the screenplay for “Reptillicus” and he seems to be a slightly better director than the guy who did that film but he still takes some blame for a film that really isn’t so terrible if it just had more money and thought. It’s just really hokey (in a good way) with long, long, LONG sequences where androids are disassembled and reassembled and cave women play groovy future space pianos (between nude tanning sessions and mutant attacks) but the design and tone of the film is inspired at times and recalls former MST3K experiments like “This Island Earth”.
Unfortunately, the halfway compelling nature of the movie serves as a bit of a hindrance to Jonah and the ‘Bots and their riffing. That’s not to say the jokes don’t land or that the episode isn’t funny. It’s fairly solid humor from end to end. The boys get some great belly laughs at the expense of “Danny” (Franken), the dorky lab assistant — but nearly everything else in between induces chuckles at best before recovering near the end to deliver some great lines before the credits roll. Perhaps I’m spoiled but this doesn’t come close to matching the laughing-so-hard-you’re-out-of-breath riffing heard in “Cry Wilderness”. MST3K doesn’t have to be that funny each time, mind you, but I think the RiffTrax rule applies: when a film like this has some quality to it, the riffing has to be spot-on to top it.
(Shot of time circuit meter with needles moving slightly) SERVO: “Aw, hipster scientists with their analog time machines!”
ERIK (looking at rocky terrain through viewscreen): “It’s looks…it looks almost prehistoric…” JONAH: “Or…like Reno…”
(Danny looks at view screen, dumbfounded) SERVO (as one of the scientists): “Can somebody get Danny a ‘Highlights’ magazine or a bag of chips to occupy him while we do grown-up stuff?!”
(All the scientists turn away from Danny to inspect the gauges on the wall) JONAH (as Steve): “Remember, everyone: if we avoid eye contact long enough, Danny will just go away!” CROW (as Erik, through gritted teeth): “Is he still looking at us?” JONAH (as Steve): “Just check out the corner of your eye…tell me what he’s doing, I don’t know what he’s doing…”
(Mutants rush at Carol who is waiting inside the campus office.) JONAH (as Carol): “What I wouldn’t give to have a ‘Danny’ to throw at them right now…”
(The scientists are escorted from one room of a cave to the next room.) CROW (as Danny): “Oh, great! More cave! You couldn’t have transported us to a Chili’s or something?!”
(Servo sings the Super Mario Bros. “cave song” as the scientists look around the cave.)
(Danny walks around the android shop, being goofy) JONAH: “He’s traveled a hundred THOUSAND years into the future just so he can hang out in a different lab?!”
(Dr. Varno shows Erik the Cosmic Camera which looks like a flat glass sculpture.) SERVO (as Dr. Varno): “We won this for selling the most Chryslers.” JONAH (as Erik): “General Zod still trapped in there? Great!I”
(Danny’s date plays a weird melody on a rainbow keyboard by moving her hands over it as Danny looks on.) JONAH: “Of all the music that could have survived doomsday, only Esquivel made it?!” CROW: “Give her credit! She’s working at least as hard as Skrillex does at his shows!”
(The scientists stand around in their future jumpsuits.) JONAH: “Ladies and Gentlemen…THE BLAND-TASTIC 4!!!”
(A “producer acknowledgement” credit shows on the screen.) JONAH: “The producers would like to acknowledge that this movie wasn’t very good.”
The host sequences are the usual fare but suffer, at times, from being too long-winded (Gypsy and Crow give a safety meeting on how to handle rogue time portals around the SOL) or mean-spirited (Jonah invents three new robots to help out around the SOL — only to have Servo and Crow destroy them with baseball bats and then pester Jonah after they’ve done their damage). The stand-out comes when “Dr. Varno” and “Larry” (the latter is a cameo by the God of MST3K himself, Joel Hodgson) visit the SOL to invite the boys to come with them on a journey to “party”…you know, so long as Jonah and his crew aren’t related to law enforcement. The part of the sketch where Varno explains that they’ve been thrown out of “every club in the galaxy”, resorting to genetically engineering and growing oranges “with the Vodka already in them” is absolutely priceless and had me rolling.
One of the most encouraging things is the improvement in the Kinga/Max segments, as short as they were. The banter between the two has always been good but Kinga seems to have finally found her edge, delivering two of the funniest lines of the host sequences:
MAX: “I prefer to be called ‘TV’s Son of TV’s Frank’…” KINGA: “The only preferences of yours I care about are the ones I sold to Google for data-mining!”
KINGA: Well, Max…that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000! What an achievement! MAX:If you count the old series which we had nothing to do with! Technically, this was our third episode… KINGA: Ok, come on! Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! “Donald Duck turns 90”, “Mickey and Minnie’s 25th Anniversary”, uh…”The 40th Anniversary of Pulling ‘Song of the South’ Off the Shelves”, I DON’T KNOW!
It recalls many a moment when her grandfather would get flabbergasted with Frank or with any given situation where an experiment doesn’t work or Joel frustrated him and I REALLY hope to see more of this. The only downside is that there are only so many times one can repeat the same “I’m TV’s Son of TV’s Frank” joke as a catalyst for a punchline. And despite the improvement, the Invention Exchanges are still weak. Crow and Servo have invented a snack food out of the little “dry packets” that come with jerky and stereo equipment that are (mostly) edible while Kinga and Max have invented “Afterlife Alert” (set off by the same “Bigfoot Medallion” worn by Peter in “Cry Wilderness”) a service that helps damned souls in Purgatory get to the right level. The problem is that these are clever ideas that never seem fully-formed, thus the jokes are one-note and aren’t really funny.
With solid riffing and decent host sketches, “The Time Travelers” is technically another “win” for the new MST3K series but it’s also the weakest offering of the series’ run so far. But whatever you do, don’t over-analyze what I just said. If this is the “weakest” episode the new series has to offer, the rest of the series is going to be a breeze to get through. The entire crew has a chemistry you don’t find in most shows and most of the writing is sharper than a lot of what you see on network television. “Travelers” is like any other average episode of MST3K: amusing, fun and watchable — but only to be repeated if one is a fan or a completionist.
Season 3 Episode 4: “Wag the Tongue Slowly”
Original Air Date: April 25, 2017
This week on iZombie Ravi continues in a downward spiral, Major goes all Man of La Mancha, and I am officially a Blayton shipper.
Crime of the Week
Finally, for the first time this season, iZombie presents us with an entertaining and intriguing “Crime of the Week.” The victim: Cheryl, The DentelCo. office gossip queen. The cause of death: Utopium laced yogurt.
Someone slipped Utopium into Cheryl’s yogurt as a prank, but unfortunately, the culprit did not know that Utopium and anti-depressants don’t mix well. So for the record:
Utopium+Max Rager= Zombies
Utopium+antidepressents= death
Moral of the story STAY AWAY FROM UTOPIUM Y’ALL!!!
Due to Cheryl’s busybody ways, there are plenty of people in the office who have a motive for murder. Here are some of the secrets she spread around the office about her coworkers:
Jim: Cheryl outed him to the entire company and his wife when she told everyone Jim was having an affair with a male dental hygienist.
Pete: Cheryl had a camera installed in the break room to catch him stealing her food. I want to note that this is a REAL ISSUE. Here is a notice from the fridge in my old office.
A legit picture from my office
Vicky: Cheryl outed her for “improperly” using her sick time which cost her a lucrative promotion.
Rhonda: Cheryl revealed to everyone that Rhonda she was a former porn star and sent clips of her videos around the office.
Cheryl wasn’t just “a gossip.” It’s not like she wanted to be in on the latest stories and couldn’t keep her mouth shut. She sought out this information with mal intent. She found out about Rhonda’s past in the adult film industry and then sent those videos to coworkers. Not only is this a vicious act, but I am pretty sure it is considered sexual harassment in the workplace.
This case was a difficult case for Liv and Clive because the evidence wasn’t lining up, which meant that they had to do detective work together. Yay! Teamwork makes the dream work! In the end, what helped them crack the case was Rhonda and her former life in the adult industry.
And that is how you a have a successful Crime of the Week.
Ravi and Major
Ravi is still being a miserable ball of blah. To recap why Ravi is the worse, here is Liv:
Liv: “First you tell Peyton that you’re in love with her leaving her confused and speechless. Then you take home your old boss for a drunken balk*(?) and when Peyton shows up to say that she’s ready to take a chance on Pavi or Rayton or whatever it is you two would call yourselves you kiss her. While your latest conquest is in the next room. Not good!” Ravi: “I know” Liv: “Also I believe god is a woman so you’re really screwed.”
*She said balk right? I know it wasn’t boink, but I have no idea what balk even means (besides in baseball).
Major is also going through his own shit right now due to him dying from Zombie Cure #1. He has decided to use the limited time he has left to double down on finding Natalie. Major finally gets a lead and learns that she is being held by an international diamond dealer. He convinces Ravi to stake out the diamond dealer’s house ending with:
Major:“And we know you’re good at waiting in cars.”
BURN! Damn Ravi, even Major is roasting you now. That is how pathetic you have become.
The stakeout results in Major getting caught and beaten, but pays off in the end as Major discovers Natalie’s location. And what happens next in his quest is so amazing that I am getting giddy as I type. Major storms into the building to save Natalie WITH MAN OF LA MANCHA PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND! It was amazing. I have watched a lot of TV in my life, but I can’t think of any other show that has used a song from a musical as an actual background track for a scene.
When Major finally reaches Natalie he announces “I am here to save you” but Natalie doesn’t seem all that jazzed. She is being held by a super powerful international diamond dealer, hiding her away at the Fillmore Graves campus is not the type of protection that she needs. So instead, Major offers her the Zombie cure. If she takes it she will no longer need brains, her memories will slowly fade, and she can start life anew. End scene.
Blaine and Peyton:
I am just going to put this out there, I am fully onboard the Blaine and Peyton ship! I’m not the captain but I’m probably a first officer or something. It has been a day since Blaine was given the Zombie cure and he isn’t dead, which is good, but his memories have yet to return, which is not so good. If nothing happens by 6am in two days, that means the serum didn’t work. Ravi suggests that Blaine finds a babysitter for the next two days just in case any cure-related things occur, so Blaine heads straight to Peyton (oh karma, I love thee).
While Peyton enjoys this New Blaine, she also wants her friends to be human again. This is tearing Peyton apart because these options are mutually exclusive. If the memory cure works she will potentially lose this man that she is falling in love with, but her friends will be cured. If it doesn’t work her Blaine stays, but she will forever lose the Major, and Liv will still be a zombie.
What I love about Peyton and Blaine, is that they talk to each other about their feelings. Blaine discusses his fears of having Evil Blaine’s memories return. Can he stay who he is now living with those memories? Will recovering the memories make him evil again? He opens up to Peyton, and Peyton does the same.
So, when Blaine wakes up at 6am, and he still has no memories, Peyton makes the best out of a bad result and she leads Blaine to her bed.
I understand how some people still hold him accountable for what old Blaine did, but as I explained in my review last week, it isn’t that cut and dry. That said, I will be very disappointed in iZombie if this was all just an act. Blaine transforming into a good guy has so much potential and he is a great addition to team Zombie. The only reason to have this all be an act is to hurt Peyton, and I just don’t see the point in that.
Other Things/Final Thoughts
Major’s FG unit gets deployed to someplace to fight Zombie things. What are they supposed to be doing again? Are they just flying around the world saving Zombies? Was this ever fully explained?
Liv and Clive search through the Zombie Hater Message boards and find a guy who knows Zombies exists and wants to kill them all.
One of my favorite subplots of this episode was Liv hinting to Clive that there was something going on between Lt. Devore and Cavanaugh throughout the episode. Clive dismisses Liv’s claims but when he sees the pair close the blinds in an office he immediately calls Liv to dish.
The Natalie and Major Scene: I watched this scene over several times, and I am still not sure how to interpret it. At first, I thought Major wanted them to take the cure together so they could start a new life together. It seemed odd for Major to just be like “take this and you will have no memories and can start a new life all on your own.”
The best part of Liv being on gossip girl brain was her interactions with Ravi. She basically just rubbed it in how much time Blaine and Peyton were spending together and it was amazing! Take that Ravi!
Earlier today, Activision had its livestream showcasing what fans can expect from Call of Duty’s latest entry into the FPS genre. After years of futuristic settings, Call of Duty returns to its roots with World War II.
Call of Duty® is making a dramatic return to the greatest military conflict in history and where the franchise first began, World War II. On Friday, November 3, Call of Duty®: WWII players will enlist in an unforgettable journey of brotherhood across the European theater in a mission vital to the success of the Allied powers. The all-new Call of Duty delivers gritty realism, authenticity and cinematic intensity on an epic scale. In addition to the game’s boots-on-the-ground combat, Multiplayer offers a host of new mode, system and gameplay innovations across iconic map locations; while an all-new Nazi Zombies Cooperative mode unleashes a startling, new storyline and adrenaline filled experience. Published by Activision and developed by Sledgehammer Games, Call of Duty: WWII defines the World War II game experience for a new generation of consoles.
Sure, there’s a lot to discuss about the Call of Duty: WWII trailer. You get to storm Normandy, fight anti-air battles with heavy artillery, use flamethrowers, and even roleplay Saving Private Ryan. The game’s cutscenes are pretty to look at (even though we don’t see any gameplay) and it definitely makes use of the gritty WWII setting. HOWEVER, Activision has my attention with this mention of a Nazi Zombie Cooperative mode. It could either be really awesome if it embraces the cheese (it’s CoD, it won’t) or could just be another mode trying to capitalize on the popularity of zombies. We’ll learn more once Activision showcases the game at E3.
Call of Duty: WWII pre-orders at participating retailers includes access to the Private Beta, available first on PlayStation®4, scheduled for later this year. Call of Duty: WWII is available for pre-order in the following editions:
Base Edition and Digital Base Edition – Suggested Retail Price $59.99
Digital Deluxe Edition – Season Pass** and more, SRP $99.99.
Pro Edition – Season Pass**, collectible SteelbookTM and more, SRP $99.99
What do you think of the Call of Duty: WWII reveal trailer and do you want to fight Nazi Zombies?
Awesomenauts, the quirky 2D MOBA platformer from Ronimo Games, is set to release a major update today on Steam. Originally released in 2012, Awesomenauts has given its players several new characters, maps, and expansions. With the free update today, they are gifting players even more goodies in preparation for the shift to free-to-play.
The highlights of the new update are as follows:
A completely overhauled tutorial and beginner experience to help make the game more accessible. Though the game has always been fairly easy to pick up and play, the MOBA genre is inherently challenging to get into because of the highly competitive matches.
A new progression system allows players to level up both their profile as well as each of their characters. Both will unlock their own unique rewards such as currency bonuses, portraits, character items, and portraits. This way you’re never far removed from the next reward.
A new currency called Awesomepoints, which can be earned by playing matchmade games. These games can be either against other players or through the new ‘co-op vs bots’ mode. Awesomepoints can be used to unlock playable characters, profile portraits, and the new drop pods.
This update also introduces medals to the game. These are unlocked by reaching various milestones in the game and can be used to show off the achievements a player is most proud of. All of the new customization options can be unlocked either by completing milestones in-game, or purchasing them with in-game currency.
Real money will still be the only way to buy character skins, but can now also be used to buy individual playable characters and drop pods. Players will also be able to buy all current and future characters through the ‘Awesomenauts All Nauts Pack’. On top of all the characters, owners of the Pack will be granted the ‘Collector’ status, giving them an exclusive medal and skin.
Anyone who purchased Awesomenauts prior to this update has been granted “Founder” status in the game, along with a shiny new medal. Players who own Awesomenauts and both of its expansions, Starstorm and Overdrive, will automatically be upgraded to the new “Awesomenauts All Nauts Pack,” which gives them access to all playable characters for free, forever.
Despite the move into a “live beta,” previous players don’t have to worry about losing content during the transition. From now until the release of the free-to-play version of the game on May 24th, players will be invited to the live beta through the use of beta keys and can sign up to do so here. Those who are accepted into the beta will be granted “Vanguard” status, so make sure you sign up early!
IRON CHEF GAUNTLET Season 1, Episode 2
“Nose to Tail”
AIR DATE: April 23, 2017
GRADE: —
Last week saw Chef Nyesha Arrington getting sent home in an upset after a fierce Lobster Battle. Six chefs remain. Also, Wo Fat is still dead, much to Alyssa’s chagrin. Let’s see what happens this week!
To remind you of who is left, let’s do the roll call:
Rom-Com Heroine #72!
Bed Time in 10 Minutes, Young Man!
Auntie Home Cook!
Steve from I.T.!
Chef Wing Man!
and Young Mickey Rourke!
Alton welcomes the remaining chefs, looking smug as always.
Chef Grueneberg says she had “no idea things would be this intense”, despite Iron Chef being on the air for about…y’know, two decades. She’s determined not to end up on the bottom today.
Chef Izard says she feels good going into today because of how she won the “Chairman’s Challenge” last week. She arbitrarily mentions that Chef Dady is her potential nemesis, recalling how he “really brought it” last week. Checking the tape from last week, Dady cooked Elk. Alton thought it was good. He didn’t win but he didn’t lose…so, yeah. “He brought it”, I guess.
Chef Sawyer just says there are winners and losers. Losers cry. He’s not a loser. He hopes he’s a winner.
Alton begins the Chairman’s Challenge: a pig cut up into sections which either means a pork showdown or this show took a sinister and Satanic turn. Alton assures us that it’s the former. Each of the chefs will get to choose a random package that contains the name of the part of the pig they will cook.
Sawyer gets the Loin, which is perfect.
Izard gets the Belly and then feels that it’s time to condescend to viewers: people love bacon and bacon comes from that part of the pig and people don’t know that, so you have explain it to those fucking people and then they suddenly go, “OMG I LOVE BACON!” Well, yeah, they loved bacon before you explained that it came from a pig’s belly, which was what they were disgusted by in the first place.
Grueneberg gets the head of the pig which the producer’s feel the need to give us a nice, juicy close-up of. Happy nightmares, kids! She’s cool with that because you can do LOTS with that pig’s head.
Dady gets the shoulder and he’s excited because he’s from Texas and he knows about the shoulder and how you can make wonderful ragout from it.
Gulotta gets a mixture: shank, feet and tail. Since he’s from Louisiana, he’s VERY familiar with all that. But it sucks he can’t braise anything because that would mean the judges might actually like something any of these guys cook.
Nakajima gets ham. He thinks ham sucks. He’s Japanese. That’s his specialty, assholes.
Alton starts his 45-minute timer and the chefs go wild, grabbing their meat from the table.
A bunch of chefs go for the pressure cookers since you can’t really cook pork well enough in 45 minutes without one.
By the way, Gulotta’s from Louisiana. He mentions that again here. And his cooking is very Southern, as you might have guessed. Also, it’s a bit Asian, too. He’s gonna make trotter and dumplings.
Grueneberg is slicing up the pig’s head! OH DEAR GOD!!! She’s frying the cheeks which she SLICED with a GIANT KNIFE! She’s cooking up sweetbreads. Also, she’s the PASTA QUEEN OF CHICAGO (Trademark pending, held up in court by writers/producers of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”) and, so she’s making MORE PASTA. It’s gonna be little pieces of her pork inside won-ton wrappers.
Sawyer’s gonna use the loin to make a Tonnato which will contain smoked scallops. He’s creates a makeshift smoker using a colander, pot and burning, dry plant life.
Nakajima has zero idea what to do, so Alton yells at him and repeats the lame, tired line from last week: “you have to know how to cook a cardboard box to be an Iron Chef”. No, you don’t, Alton. That’s Chopped. You guys just tried to adopt their ingredient gimmick garbage by introducing bullshit like fucking fruitcake as an ingredient on the show. Nakajima does the same shit he did last week: marinating the pork in Sake and Soy Sauce and then making it into a Dashi of some sort.
Izard is doing Belly over some noodles. Izard tells Alton what she’s doing which doesn’t stop Alton from mansplaining how her “noodles cook”.
Dady’s doing a Pork Ragu. He’s dicing up a bunch of veggies and tossing all of that into a pressure cooker.
All the while, Alton streams multiple ballgames on the new NBC Sports App for iPad checks out the action from his Secret Foodie Lair of Doom.
Gulotta can’t get his pig’s feet to cook even on the highest pressure setting. He explains the science of the cooker to Alton Brown saying that it’s not really possible to cook this shit in the time given. All Alton has is pity and I’m already rolling my eyes. So, Gulotta just pulls the pork from the foot anyhow, Oh well.
Grueneberg is almost done with her pasta.
Dady’s got the blender going for his Ragu and starts cooking pasta but can’t because Dady’s not the MASTER OF PASTA like Grueneberg over there.
Sawyer’s poached a pork loin on his side.
Izard is flipping her bacon around on the grill and working her noodles.
Nakajima’s making a salad to go with his Japanese Dashi.
45 minutes later, it’s time to chow…
CHEF SAWYER – “Pork-O Tonnato” (Pork Loin with Smoked Scallop Sauce): Alton goes to taste his stuff — but Sawyer’s not done lighting shit on fire and does so with whatever he has lining the plate. Then he blows it out using his own breath which also puts ash on the plate. All for the sake of “a little more smoke”. Alton’s not impressed with any of what he just saw and calls Sawyer’s plating “unfocused” and “messy.. Izard says that Sawyer’s basically an ass who tries to do too much with his dishes. He tastes the food and he says that the sauce enhanced his dish but his pork was undercooked. Maybe Sawyer can set something else on fire. That should help.
CHEF IZARD – Twice-Cooked Pork Belly with Silver Needle Noodles: Alton loves the noodles and the oyster sauce the dish was cooked with — but the belly is overcooked and chewy.
CHEF DADY – Pork Shoulder Ragu with Celery Root Ravioli: Alton thinks the dish is well-balanced and all the flavors meld…except that the pork isn’t really present. Sensing a theme here?
CHEF NAKAJIMA – Sesame Ham Salad: Alton sniffs the small bowl like it’s a glass of fucking Cabernet, then criticizes the presentation because he can’t see the fucking pork. Also, the pork is bland.
CHEF GULOTTA – Pork Trotter & Prawn Dumpling: Alton says the dish is basically perfect. The prawn he put in there didn’t steal the show, the dumpling is cooked well and the pork is there, too. Alton really likes it.
CHEF GRUENEBERG – Pig Head Wonton: Alton likes the plating but the flavoring is a bit dense due to the refrigerated wonton wrappers she used. The pork, however, comes through very well. Alton calls the dish “interesting”.
Alton reminds every Iron Chef has brilliance on their plate — but with the secret ingredient front and center. That said…the winner of the first challenge is…
CHEF GRUENEBERG.
She looks elated while Chef Gulotta looks a touch peeved since he received higher marks verbally. But that never counts on The Food Network and Anne Burrell is immune to ANY bad marks on Worst Cooks in America. Suddenly, I’m happy that none of these people are her. Alton says nearly everyone today sucked. But the person who sucked the most is…
CHEF NAKAJIMA.
Oh no! Not Mini-Morimoto! Alton just comes right out and says his dish was bland.
Grueneberg gets to choose Nakajima’s opponent in the Secret Ingredient Showdown. She chooses…
CHEF SAWYER.
Grueneberg says that his plate wasn’t good at all. So, ha-ha, Sawyer. That’s what you get. I’m actually paraphrasing. She actually said “His dish wasn’t very good and he deserves to be in the final challenge because of that.” So, I was fairly close.
Sawyer. Ain’t. Happy. His face is red and he says he wouldn’t have changed much on his plate even if he had more time. He says that Grueneberg wanted him to go home and that’s why he was chosen. He’s even more afraid that Nakajima might win if the Secret Ingredient in the Showdown is any type of seafood.
Alton greets the two men and reveals the Secret Ingredient…
BANANAS!!!
Sawyer doesn’t order bananas for his restaurant because his restaurant is in Ohio “where bananas don’t grow”. Nakajima doesn’t use bananas in anything because he deals with JAPANESE FOOD DAMMIT.
Can’t wait to see how these two force bananas into everything.
60 minutes begins and Nakajima immediately goes for ALL the seafood. He’s gonna do Dashi. YES, “again”. Sawyer’s making some sort of broth. The competitors are confused because there’s not really any “banana action” being seen. Um…yeah. Nakajim’s making a Miso of some sort. Neither guy knows what to do with bananas, plantains or banana blossoms and they both verbalize that to one another as they throw whatever the hell they’re cutting up together.
As soon as it’s over, it’s time to judge. And who better to judge than–fuuuuuuUUUUUUUCK, it’s Anne Fucking Burrell.
Really, Food Network? Is there anything you won’t taint with her presence? Joining her is Iron Chef Jose Garces who I’m just plain indifferent towards. He’s a decent chef but, like all the newer Iron Chefs from The Next Iron Chef, there’s nothing special about him. At least we don’t have Iron Chef Ann Burrell. FUCK, they’re gonna do that, aren’t they? Goddammit.
In any case, we begin the tasting…
CHEF SAWYER
The first course is Leche de Tigre with Banana and Plantain, a dish that Sawyer immediately regrets cooking because Jose Garces is “the master” at making that. No, he isn’t, but this show plays that narrative like a fucking violin so that Sawyer’s all under-doggy. THE MASTER OF LECHE DE TIGRE IS IMPRESSED. ANOTHER!!! He states that the texture is incredible and that the bananas break down very nicely. Burrell loves it, too — but wishes the plating were better. It basically looks like a banana slice popping out of the bowl with the rest of it sitting at the bottom.
The second course is Banana Blossoms and Artichokes wrapped in Banana Leaves. Burrell says she’s never had a dish like this before but that the banana’s get lost because it’s basically a giant pile of artichoke parts mixed with banana. Garces says he likes the dish but the presentation is a bit “rustic”. Overall, he thinks the dish was “a success”.
The final dish is a Boca Negra Chocolate Cake with a Banana inside of it. Anne thinks it’s delicious. Garces says he’s not thrilled with it. The texture outside sucked.
CHEF NAKAJIMA
The first course is Scallops & Prawns in Plantain Miso Sauce. Garces loves the presentation and says that the banana just melds into the overall dish. Anne also loves it.
Nanban with Snapper and Banana is the 2nd course. Garces says that the banana is separate from the fish. Burrell says it wasn’t easy to make the two look good on the plate.
The final dish is Kuwayaki with Salmon and Banana. Garces says he likes the salmon and the banana melts…but it’s just like the last dish. Burrell says the same but says the presentation is nice. They’re no marriage of flavors.
Nakajima tells the camera that the reviews were mixed. He’s not sure what to think…neither guy does.
Both men come into the tasting room and Alton explains the scoring, then reveals the winner won by about 8 points…that winner is…
CHEF NAKAJIMA.
Nakajima beat him, hands down on taste and plating and just barely outdid Sawyer on originality.
Nakajima says he’s relieved and that he’s aiming to be the next Iron Chef Morimoto. Cuz he’s Japanese, you know.
That’s it for this week…join us for more foodie goodness when Iron Chef Gauntlet returns for a third episode!
NOTE:
Here’s my rant on Anne Burrell. I took it out of the original article because I didn’t want to ruin the flow of the article.
Burrell wins nearly every single freakin’ time on her show, Worst Cooks in America, she wins nearly every Chopped competition — even if her opponent outdid her. Her student could serve microwaved crickets marinated in ant pee and she’d still win. I don’t usually care who wins and loses reality show competitions…but it’s plainly obvious that The Food Network kisses Burrell’s ass for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom.
The only thing I can conclude is that The Food Network can’t let her lose for her fear of making her look like she’s weak in the kitchen and we just CAN’T have that. They believe female chefs are important. I wholeheartedly agree with this line of thinking.
The problem is that Anne’s become a household name at TFN and she’s let it go to her head. They heap the unfortunate duty of losing on Robert Irvine too, who, unlike Burrell, is actually a better chef and a nicer person.
I should know. My wife and I met him a few years ago at my cousin’s wedding.
And this is isn’t because she’s a woman. It’s because she’s a total ass. See, Guy Fieri was there that night, too. While Robert Irvine interrupted a conversation with others to take that picture with us (he saw us smiling at him with our camera and kindly asked if we wanted a picture), Guy Fieri practically made us beg by making us tell him “how close we were” with the groom so that he could “determine if we were ‘picture-worthy'”. Then he refused to stand next to me and demanded that my wife stand next to him instead.
So, again, gender not important. Fieri’s a tool, too, even though his show (Diners, Dine-Ins and Dives) is fairly entertaining. I stopped watching it after that night.
I digress…
Burrell is horrible in every sense of the word (she double-dips in soups and sauces she makes on the fucking air) and she combines this with an unfortunate amount of arrogance — especially after she wins a contest. And when, on the rare occasion, she loses, whoo boy, look out. The nose goes up, the fake grin vanishes and Ann’s replaced by an ingrate who just seems to declare, “I’m the best and they know it. Their loss.”
On this show? You can tell she’s mailing it in. Every shot of her taking a bite looks like she’s reluctantly obeying a producer who’s asking her to “take a bite for the camera so we can get a shot of you tasting it”. The shot is comprised of Anne quickly bending down, taking a bite, then bolting up as if she’s been zapped by a cattle prod, followed by a weird blank stare aimed at what I’m assuming is the chef in question but I don’t know anymore. It just looks terribly insincere and phony.
Seriously, the end result of that “bite shot” is the same damn thing every single time: Anne looking like Hunger Games Woody Woodpecker.
So, that’s that. You’re more than welcome to disagree with me. I will never change my mind about her. She rubbed me the wrong way the first time I watched her. She continued to do so the more I watched her. Her sexual harassment issue just confirmed, for me, what an ass she is in real life. I just can’t.
Warner Bros. Television and DC Entertainment have announced a new streaming service slated for 2018 that will exclusively house two new DC series – Titans, a live-action series, and the much anticipated third season of Young Justice: Outsiders.
Executive produced by Akiva Goldsman, Geoff Johns, Greg Berlanti and Sarah Schechter, Titans will follow “a group of young soon-to-be Super Heroes recruited from every corner of the DC Universe.” The series will feature Dick Grayson as the “leader of a fearless band of new heroes,” which will include Starfire, Raven and many others.
In the third season of Young Justice: Outsiders “the team faces its greatest challenge yet as it takes on meta-human trafficking and the terrifying threat it creates for a society caught in the crossfire of a genetic arms race spanning the globe and the galaxy.”
Both series are in early stages of production and will air exclusively on a DC-branded direct-to-consumer digital service in 2018.
This week on #Supergirl: Lena sacrifices her kryptonite to save Supergirl. More #Supergay at 10.
Spoilers through Supergirl season two, episode eighteen: “Ace Reporter.”
Supergirl is finally back on our screens and thankfully, it brought Lena with it! In fact, it brought a Lena-centric episode and the only thing that would have made “Ace Reporter” better would have been an Alex/Maggie B-plot instead of the weird Team Guardian thing they had happening. (Also, when are Alex and Maggie going to get an A-plot? Anytime soon, Supergirl?)
The Case For Supercorp
Things are slow at the DEO, like Alex has one line and disappears forever kind of slow, so Kara heads home for the day to do a little baking. If Cat Grant could see Kara in that moment, she would smash her pretty face into those scrumptious desserts. All is well, however, as Lena shows up on Kara’s doorstep to ask her only friend in National City for a favor. Lena’s ex, Jack Spheer (guest star Rahul Kohli), is in town and she can’t possibly face him alone, not while she’s still vulnerable emotionally, so she asks Kara to come with her to his Biomax demonstration. *wink*
I’d like to submit Exhibit A into Evidence in the case for Supercorp. You can’t tell me that this is a completely platonic scene. There is some serious flirting happening with their super gay eyeballs.
The pair head off to Jack’s presentation and it plays out a bit like the opening part of Big Hero 6. Kara does that thing that we Hermione-types hate and raises her hand to ask a question even though she’s completely unprepared to do so. Despite fumbling through her question and being interrupted by Snapper, Jack later remembers her as the “one who grilled him” and I died a little inside at the comment. Lena introduces Kara to Jack as the best reporter she knows and I’d like submit THIS comment as Exhibit B. We all know that Kara is, at BEST, a middle-of-the-road reporter who was recently fired from her job. Lena says this because OF COURSE she supports her only friend, but also because she’s been giving her sex eyes since they first met. Kara’s response is eerily reminiscent of an earlier interaction with previous crush James and that comparison is Exhibit C.
Kara has an explosive meeting with a Biomax whistleblower and while I know this meeting is integral to the plot: why? Why in the world would this dude choose the writer of Danvers.com? Kara has posted ONCE on the internet. There’s no way that kind of thing would happen. Either the writers have no idea how the internet works or Kara is more internet popular than first imagined.
Kara has a second interaction with a Biomax whistleblower, this time saving Snapper’s life, and thank goodness for that, too, because no one else on Supergirl dares to call Kara on her bullshit. You know why Legends of Tomorrow and Arrow worked so well this year? Because their characters weren’t afraid to call the leads on their crappy behavior. Kara has been a crappy reporter and since Cat Grant isn’t around to put her foot down, it’s up to Snapper to do so.
Knowing that Lena might be in danger, Kara crashes her girlfriend’s dinner and brings along Mike as her beard. Lena looks absolutely stunning and 100 House Points to whomever at Supergirl’s costume department chose that red dress.
Kara breaks into Jack’s office, which I thought was in Metropolis (?), and steals a few vlogs detailing his transformation into the villain from Big Hero 6. Kara tries to warn Lena about Jack, but Lena won’t hear any of it because she needs that beautiful man around to relieve all the sexual tension from when she’s near Kara. (It’s the only reason I’ll accept for why she kisses him.) Even still, Lena and Kara share several looks that all scream, “I want your lips on my lips and may we die before we stop.”
Exhibit E.
Lena confronts Jack about his villainous use of the nanobots and he’s all adorably confused by the allegations. Really, I want to hate him but Rahul is just so darn likable. Jack’s assistant, Beth, steps from the shadows and does an “okay” villain cackle. From a one to Ursula, she’s about a four. Bluetooth Cupcake confesses she’s been controlling Jack all along and the entire gay community cries out that for an entire episode, Lena has been attracted to a woman the entire episode and I guess that’s a hesitant Exhibit F. (Mostly because Kara/Lena’s eye flirting game is hella strong.) Supergirl shows up to protect her girlfriend but Lena is a strong independent Luthor who don’t need no Super. She elbows Miss “I have a black belt” in the face and the drops the line:
Lena: “Oh, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never stood behind a man.”
Exhibit G is Kara’s heart palpitations after Lena kicked Beth’s behind and then, without hesitation, chose to save Supergirl over her own Kryptonite. (While this is romantic, I also kind of admit it was her only option.)
At the end of it all, Kara goes to Lena’s couch, the place where all magical things happen, and consoles her closest friend. I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve consoled a lot of female friends, and it’s never been quite that….intimate before. Therefore, I submit into evidence Exhibits H thru Z:
This final scene was great not just for Supercorp shippers, but for fans of Lena as well. Lena is a character who struggles immensely with her levels of goodness. In her mind, an ounce of evil thought is a gateway drug to becoming just like the rest of her family. She’s terrified of letting herself slip into the darkness, into a place from where she can never return. I equate it to being like a child who grew up with parents who suffered from addiction. While they themselves may never go over the edge to the extent that their parents did, it’s a fear that sits inside them. Lena is terrified of that darkness.
In Kara, she sees the light, the anchor to the goodness of the world. When Kara promises to protect Lena, Lena believes it in a way she never has in her entire life. Kara doesn’t protect Lena until the time comes when she can use her. Kara protects her because she loves her, because she’s a good person and that’s what good people do. Despite not agreeing with one another, Kara has unwavering faith in Lena, something she’s never believed she deserved because all her life she was defined solely by being a Luthor. Kara Danvers, not Supergirl, is the one who gives Lena hope.
And if that thought doesn’t choke you up, well, I don’t know what to do with you.
Random Thoughts
James, Winn, and Lyra had a bit of a spat on Team Guardian that didn’t make much sense to me. Crime was so low that Kara had nothing to do, but James seemed pretty busy. Lyra was all over the place with her emotions and while I’m all for bringing her onto Team Guardian, their entire plot of “Ace Reporter” felt forced and over-the-top. That time would have been better served showing us Alex’s knife-fighting routine.
Speaking of, WHERE THE SHIT WAS MAGGIE THIS EPISODE?!
Kara got her job back as a reporter at CatCo and while I’m happy to see her working as Kara Danvers again (because again, that identity is more important than Supergirl), I still don’t love her as a reporter. I am glad that Snapper is hopefully making her realize that she can’t bend the rules to her whims as she so chooses.
Next week’s episode looks too hard to watch alone. Someone please come over and hold me because I don’t think I can suffer through Alex being hurt.
This week on #TheWhitePrincess: Henry’s first English tour doesn’t go well and his mother imprisons everyone.
Spoilers through The White Princess episode two: “Hearts and Minds.”
After only two episodes, I am absolutely smitten with The White Princess. Last week, Elizabeth of York came across as naive and a bit selfish, but after her face off with Henry in his bedroom where she took command of the rape, she has become a changed woman. And I love it. Elizabeth continues that clever streak in “Hearts and Minds.” Where everyone around her continues to fail, Elizabeth sees the true nature of the crown and wins more flies with honey, including the admiration of King Henry.
Because Henry is still a new monarch, it is his duty to tour the English lands and show the people his face, thereby winning the hearts and minds of those he hopes won’t rebel against his rule. After some failed scheming by Elizabeth of Woodville, the king’s mother manages to convince Henry to lock up both York women while they carry out his Progress. Why Henry would dare traverse York lands without a York wife or mother-in-law is beyond me, but Henry is confident in the people’s love for him, so off he goes without a worry. Of course, he’s not worried because his mother has lied and hidden every problem along the way in a misguided attempt at protecting him.
Naturally, Henry learns the truth of the world: England suffers from the “Sweat” and there are still many loyal Yorkists in the realm who would gladly try to have him killed. The people clamor that the sickness is a sign from God, that Henry’s rule will lead them to ruin, so they rise against him, attempt to assassinate him, and throw their support behind Edward Plantagenent, Lizzie’s young and simple cousin. Henry doesn’t take that sitting down and immediately orders “Teddy” to be put in the Tower of London. Maggie, Teddy’s older sister, cries out to Lizzie, “You know what they do to York boys in the Tower!”
I have to admit, it’s a moment that chokes me up. Maggie is a girl who has lost her family. She’s an older sister with no prospects and her entire job is to protect her brother, to keep him safe in a world where they are seen as a threat. Unlike other characters in her situation, Maggie doesn’t seek to manipulate Teddy for her own gain. She does what she must because she loves him and in war-torn England, that’s a rare trait. Unfortunately for Maggie, even Lizzie cannot get Teddy released from the Tower.
Back in Westminster, Elizabeth Woodville still manages to work her magic (literally) even while imprisoned. She secures the alliance with Frances Lovell and concocts a small uprising, all from the comfort of her locked bedroom. AND WHILE USING HER OWN BLOOD TO WRITE A LETTER. Don’t mess with Mama Elizabeth, y’all.
Lizzie, meanwhile, not one to sit around, learns of the sickness from Henry’s letter and immediately does something about it. She commands the trust of the treasury guards and gives out food, physicians, and money to the people of London so that they might survive the onslaught of the disease. She even threatens the Bishop to harm herself and her baby should he not take her to her mother. Lizzie is a spunky one and every time another horror looks at her in disgust, an angel gets their wings. Lizzie’s fiery spirit ends up working in her favor and earns her the respect of even Henry. Lizzie tells him:
Lizzie: “You reap what you sow, Henry. You rule with fear and you will only get dissent and hatred in return. You take before a man will give and you will never win him. No matter what he may pretend. ”
In the end, Henry is pitted between Lizzie’s words and his mother’s fear of losing him. It’s up to him to choose whose advice he should heed in the coming months.
Lizzie’s Shrewdness
Upon watching the first episode of The White Princess, I assumed that Lizzie relied almost entirely on her mother for advice. It was her mother, after all, who rose from nothing to become the Queen of England. Who better to learn from? However, as we saw in “Hearts and Minds”, there is a stark difference between how mother and daughter view the world. Lizzie still has hope for Henry and the people of England. She cares for them as she would her family and knows that the best way to win a war is when the opposing side doesn’t know they’re fighting. Elizabeth, however, has spent the majority of the past thirty years fighting battles, maneuvering political dealings, and looking on helpless as those she loves dies. She’s embittered by the truth of war and the sadness it brings. In her mind, if she can save the many by killing the one (Henry), she’ll gladly do it. Age has not brought Elizabeth patience and it’s one of many battles that Lizzie will have to face as she tries to become the Queen herself.
That doesn’t mean to say either side is right or wrong. Of course in dealing with Henry, Lizzie’s plan may prove most fruitful, but Elizabeth’s experience tells her that she is right. It’s a comparison that I’m eager to see play out more fully on screen, this battle between youthful innocence and harshly-earned wisdom. And the fact that it’s between two women makes it all the more exciting.
Random thoughts
I’m still giddy over the role of women in The White Princess. Even though a man is king of England, the final power struggle of the episode comes down to the two women in his life: his mother and his wife. Every scene is controlled by the women who populate this series and the men are simply pawns in their political games. How fascinating it is to see the tides turn.
The opening sequence and the music for The White Princess are absolutely fantastic. Starz doesn’t hold back in either department.
I had no idea who Jodie Comer or Jacob Collins-Levy were prior to the series, but both are absolutely owning their roles.
If there’s one problem with The White Princess, it’s with Cecily. Not because she’s a traitor to her sister or jealous. All of that is understandable and in a way, expected. However, her character feels a bit too on-the-nose, so it makes every sleight and betrayal that much more irksome. Of COURSE she has dealings with the king’s mother. How have none of the Yorks realized her betrayal yet? Why are they so blind to her glares and frustrations? I love a good villain, especially a misguided one like Cecily, but she needs to pull back a bit.
I still cannot help but compare The White Princess to Game of Thrones. I know the connection between the two stories is intentional, but having Michelle Fairley cast as Margaret Beaufort is a delight. She’s a nice mix between a manipulative Cersei trying to control Joffrey and Catelyn Stark trying to control Robb. Unfortunately for Margaret, (Game of Thrones Spoilers) both of those mothers lost their sons. Not a good spot to be in for Michelle Fairley, is it?
TANKED Season 12, Episode 1
“The Tank of Jericho”
AIR DATE: April 21, 2017
GRADE: —
Welcome back to Animal Planet’s “Tanked”, a reality show where two New York transplants (Brett Raymer and Wayde King) running an aquarium business out of Las Vegas build the world’s greatest fish tanks.
This week’s guest star is WWE’s Chris Jericho!
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA– Acrylic Tank Manufacturing
The show starts with Brett telling Wayde that he took his son to see a WWE event and met Chris Jericho there. Wayde’s thrilled for Brett and he’s even more thrilled to learn that Jericho “sent Brett a piece of mail” (which looks suspiciously like a piece of paper with a message somebody forged to look like Jericho wrote it) which states that Jericho wants the boys to come to Tampa, Florida so that they can build Jericho’s family a tank.
So, they do. They literally hop on a plane and leave for Tampa in the middle of a Tuesday because that’s how this show works.
TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA – Chris Jericho’s house
Jericho has a nice home near a lake and says that he really wants a tank inside of his home since the family loves the water. Only catch: it has to be bigger than the tank they built for WWE Superstar Titus O’Neil. Here’s what O’Neil’s tank looked like:
The guys chuckle at the notion but promise this nonetheless.
Jericho brings them inside his house and shows them his man-cave which consists of mounted copies of old magazine covers of himself, tons of old title belts from his WCW and early WWE days and his light-up jacket(!). Jericho suddenly stops and has a moment of clarity: “This is the most egotistical room…” The guys laugh. Jericho shows off an extensive VHS/DVD collection to which Brett says, “Maybe we can build you an aquarium and get you a SmartTV!” Jericho shows off his numerous titles and then lets them see his most current one: the WWE United States Championship title. Brett takes the title and says it’s his, prompting Jericho to bring out his “List of Jericho”. Wayde doesn’t get the gimmick at all but Brett’s completely geeking out. Jericho puts the two on “The List”. Then Brett gets to try on Jericho’s jacket which makes Brett giddy again but makes Jericho crazy. They even make it sparkle and Brett says he’s ready to go clubbing. Jericho: “Yeah…you do that and every girl will NEVER talk to you…”
Jericho comes out of character and begins the rest of the tour, showing them his backyard. He introduces them to his son, Ash, who wants an eel in the new tank and who is also incredibly knowledgeable about fish and has his own tank. He shows Brett and Wayde his tank and points out the various species of fish that came from the lake outside. Wayde’s incredibly impressed and, to please those viewers who think that Tanked promotes animal abuse, both Wayde and Brett explain that anything that gets added to a tank from a natural source should be in quarantine so that parasites can “jump off” the fish prior to being added to the tank. THE MORE YOU KNOW! Brett offers his card to Ash and tells him to call him anytime if he has questions. The Tanked guys ask if they’re replacing Ash’s tank but Ash isn’t having that as it’s his own ongoing habitat.
Jericho, instead, shows them the empty space where the tank is going to be: it’s in the dining room where Jericho has guests. He wants something that will totally wow them. The guys are gonna do a trapezoidal tank against the wall. They ask Jericho what he wants inside the tank. Jericho then introduces his daughters, Cheyenne and Sierra. They ALSO have a “List” that contains their demands:
PRetty coral colors
Saltwater fish
A championship belt
The List of Jericho has to be incorporated somehow
Jericho says they could make the List say “The Tank of Jericho” instead of “The List of Jericho”.
Wayde says he’d like to get started but they’d love to show Jericho what kind of fish would go in the tank — and what better way to do so than to take him and his son, Ash, to the RumFish Grill to check out one of the biggest tanks they’ve ever built. Jericho, forgetting he’s a wrestler who has very little time off, agrees to go.
ST. PETE’S BEACH, FLORIDA – RumFish Grill @ The Tradewinds Resort
Yeah. That’s the tank they built. Jericho and his son are equally impressed. The guys point out the names of the fish and Ash spots the big resident eel whose name is “Frankie” which is short for “Frankenstein” since the top of his head looks like it has some scarring. So, that’s nice of them to shame a fish. Jericho’s not seeing the “cute” in this and says that “Frankenstein the Eel” sounds terrifying. He’s even more frightened when Brett and Wayde invite Chris and Ash to go diving inside the tank. Ash is all for it. Chris is sick to his stomach because he doesn’t like Frankie the Eel. Brett tells him that the wrestlers he’s fought are more dangerous but if Chris doesn’t want to go, “HE JUST MADE THE SCAREDY-CAT LIST!!!”
Moments later, everyone is suited up. Chris is almost over his fear — until Wayde points out the ground rules which basically says NOT to touch Frankie the freakin’ Eel. Jericho: “Then why the heck are we going in there then?!” Jericho also has his diving suit on backwards. Don’t worry. It’s a total work. Jericho, Wayde and Ash swim around for a while, taking a look at the fish swimming around them until Chris surfaces, out of breath, proclaiming that he just saw Frankie and “he’s 30 feet long…maybe 40…” Wayde says Ash was practically petting Frankie (Rules? I don’t see any rules about not touching Frankie…) and Chris is scared. That’s when Frankie comes up to Jericho’s foot to say hello, causing Jericho to shoot out of the water. From here, it’s back to Vegas!
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Acrylic Tank Manufacturing
Brett approaches “Redneck” (he’s on of ATM’s tank designers) and tells him that they saw Chris Jericho in Tampa. Redneck knows who that is and says that he came in 7th Place on ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” a show Brett can’t even begin to believe Redneck watches. Redneck says he watches that AND “The Bachelor”. Brett: “Who ARE you?!” Brett says he’s on Jericho’s “List” now. Redneck remarks that it’s right where Brett needs to be. Brett geeks out about the Jericho Jacket — which Redneck thinks they should include in the tank. Brett’s all in — except the logistics are a bit hard to work out. Neither guy wants to do this…so they go see Wayde to get his input.
Wayde, in turn, goes to see Denny, their tank props guy. Denny’s already manufactured a jacket. The men stuff the jacket to make it look like somebody’s wearing it. The plan is to cover the thing in beads that will refract light that will be directly shone on the jacket, making it appear to “sparkle”. Denny tells him that laying down the beads on the jacket is going to be a gigantic pain in the ass. Wayde says to think of them as “studs” and the two of them talk about manly man things like muscles and leather. it’s manly. MANLY!
Suddenly, a Wild Chris Jericho calls! He says he wants to stop by ATM since he’s in town, performing for Monday Night RAW. Wayde’s cool with that and tells Denny to finish the jacket in his office while Wayde sets up the dog and pony show with the tank. Moments later, Jericho’s in the shop and remarking that he had no idea how large an operation Brett and Wayde had, remarking that he thought maybe they were doing this out of their basement. He checks out the tank and like what he sees, then he checks out the coral insert with the eel cave. Are we gonna see FRANKIE THE EEL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE??? No. There’s no water yet.
Chris doesn’t really like the “Eel cave” part of the coral insert and says that it needs to be “larger”. The guys tell Jericho that the cave has to be somewhat snug because Eels needs a place to “lurk” as it were and they need to feel secure. I usually say the same kinds of things about our cat. Jericho says he just wants a slightly larger cave so he can see what the Eel is having for dinner — or maybe the Eel is having a lady Eel over. Wayde literally tells Jericho to cut the cave himself so he achieves the custom design he wants. I’m wincing as Jericho takes off a pretty sizable chunk from the Eel cave.
When he finishes, Brett asks him he’s happy. Jericho has no idea. He asks Brett if the Eel will be “okay”. What the hell kind of business IS this?! Wayde reassures everyone that the freakin’ EEL IS WILL BE FINE, EVERYONE. IT’S ALL GOOD. Jericho wants a job at ATM because drilling and sawing is hard and works out the arm muscles well. He will even put a show up on WWE Network called “Jericho Saws Things”. Looking at the desperate need for decent original shows on said network, I think people would watch it.
LOS ANGELES, CA – Sea Dwelling Creatures
Because the women on this show used to do nothing at all except sit at their desks and look attractive, they’ve recently been given the arbitrary chore of “picking out fish for people’s tanks”. Not sawing, not helping build, not do anything else but “pick out fish”. So they visit Paul over at “Sea Dwelling Creatures” where we have to put up with Paul sucking up to Jericho on camera and doing a decent, yet unnecessary imitation of “Macho Man” Randy Savage while he talks about how shiny and colorful certain fish are while Heather (Wayde’s wife and Brett’s sister) goes, “Oooook, Randy Savage!” Did I mention the women on this show are under-used and portrayed as near-useless?
They choose a Snowflake Eel (this has to be a record for the amount of times I, or anyone else, has mentioned the word, “Eel” — even for this show), a Harlequin Tusk (because it looks like a wrestler), and an Orange Spot Rabbit Fish which Paul promises the Tusk won’t eat because THEY’RE A TAG TEAM, BROTHEEEEER! Apparently, the Rabbit Fish would kill any fish that attacked anyway JUST LIKE A WRESTLER KNOCKING ANOTHER WRESTLER TO THE MAT!!! OOOOOHH YEAAAAAH!!! Agnes and Heather tell viewers Paul is a “huge wrestling fan”. Really? I thought he had skipped his medication. Thanks for explaining that.
LAS VEGAS, NV – Acrylic Tank Manufacturing (ATM)
Brett and Agnes (holy SHIT, Agnes is allowed to do something OTHER than pick out fish?) visit Denny in the shop. Denny is making a championship belt for the Jericho Tank. He shows them that it will be covered in gold paint which is safe for the fish — and which Agnes says would make a good eye shadow, rubbing it on her skin without so much as asking “Is it toxic to humans?” Denny: “Wow…” The issue at hand is that each title belt front plate needs to “bend” a bit to look realistic — except Denny already set the resin. Oops. So the team scrambles for a bucket to tape the resin mold over. DRAMA! They finally find one and manage to successfully get the “plate” to bend.
The three celebrate and Agnes decides to wear the belt first. Yay, go team!
Wayde and Redneck meet up while Denny paints the title belt. They need to find out where they want to put “The Tank of Jericho” prop except — whoops, the prop reads “The List of Jericho” and not “The Tank of Jericho” like it’s supposed to. Redneck argues with Wayde that he got the picture in e-mail and shows it to Wayde. Wayde asks him why he didn’t read the writing that came with it that clearly stated that it was supposed to say “The Tank of Jericho”. Redneck says that all he got was a picture! MORE DRAMA! But, that’s okay. They have time to not only correct this, but move coral around so it doesn’t block the plaque.
Agnes and Heather visit Wayde with a clear blue rocks that will be added to Jericho’s jacket. Wayde explains the prop to the girls but also explains that a battery pack and wiring isn’t going to work inside the tank, so they’re going to have to light it using external lights around the jacket to simulate the jacket’s light-up feature. Wayde says they’re gonna test the beads now. The girls LOVE THAT, OMG! The plan is to glue these stones to a black leather strip and drop them in the water to test out the lighting effects with an LED flashlight. The girls like the stones in the middle, so those are the stones to buy in bulk.
TAMPA BAY, FL – Chris Jericho’s house
The tank is ready to go and the guys travel to Florida to set it up. Everything goes nicely with the guys making jokes about “breaking the tank and ending up on The List” which they were already on but, ha-ha, that’s funny to everyone not really paying attention on a Friday night. Our third bit of DRAMA(!!!) comes when the boys can’t get the tank up a step with a depth of about three inches. This is resolved thirty seconds later when they all “lift a different way”. Crisis averted! But, then, Wayde is goofing off outside while Brett does “all the work”! So Brett tells them to come back inside and help! Those rascally install guys! They add the sand called “Nature’s Ocean” which, I swear, this show is legally obligated to name-drop every single episode.
Brett’s outside with Ash who just shows up like he’s been living in the walls and Brett explains that they’re about to add the seawater to the tank. It comes from a giant box. Brett gives Ash the duty of turning on the hose. Ash does just fine with this. Brett explains that after the water is added, the fish have to get acclimated which takes about an hour and a half. Jericho says with that much time to kill, they should do a guest spot on his podcast, “Talk is Jericho”. Brett says he’d totally love to do so. Brett gathers Wayde and the two head upstairs to Jericho’s “man-cave” to do “Tanked is Jericho”, an episode you can listen to right here.
Following this, the boys fill the tank with the fish, culminating in THE EEL OF DOOM. Once it’s done, Brett and Wayde attache the canopy and facade and it’s time to show off the tank — but, wait: Wayde’s nervous for some reason…why? Because he just got a text from WWE Superstar Titus O’Neil — and he’s on his way to Jericho’s house to see the new tank, too…ruh-roh. In any case, the Jericho Family comes in to check out their brand-new “Tank of Jericho”!
The Jericho Family is blown away by the tank and Brett and Wayde explain each and every single fish including the EEL in case anyone was wondering. They also go over the props which include:
The Jacket of Jericho
The Family Championship Title
…and the clipboard showing The Tank of Jericho.
Jericho is so thrilled, he says that Brett and Wayde have UN-made “The List”. Wayde and Brett celebrate.
Brett reviews the stats of the tank and goes over the features again for the viewers.
The show ends with Brett and Wayde about to drive off — only Titus sees them and chases them for making Jericho a bigger tank. Wayde and Brett floor it and get out of there as Titus goes ballistic and says that this “isn’t right” and then he goes for the camera man. Har-har.
THOUGHTS: Good show tonight. Not at all boring and I love the ideas for the tank…however, this isn’t one of the better tanks the ATM guys have created. It’s definitely clever. I give the tank a B+ as the props feel a bit dropped in. I’m not a huge fan of props in a tank because it can really make an otherwise great tank into something gaudy and tacky.
If there’s one thing that Starz loves, it’s the Tudor era of English history. First, we had The Tudors, showcasing Henry VIII’s ability to bed a woman, then The White Queen, a miniseries surrounding the War of Roses and Elizabeth Woodville’s rise and fall from the throne, and now we have The White Princess. The White Princess follows up on the events of The White Queen and the end of The War of The Roses, this time following Elizabeth Woodville’s daughter, Elizabeth of York, and her marriage to the newly crowned King of England, Henry VII.
Are you confused yet?
Oh, and to make matters worse, both The White Queen and Princess are based on novels by Phillippa Gregory, so they aren’t exactly the most historic renditions of the tale. (Meaning: she takes a ton of liberties with actual history.)
Bless Starz for trying to make the Tudor era as uncomplicated as possible for the average viewer, but when an era is so laden with Henrys, Edwards, Elizabeths, Margarets, and Richards, it’s incredibly hard to keep track of who was on which side, how long they held the throne, and how many children they birthed and then named after themselves. To make matters MORE confusing, The White Princess begins where The White Queen ended its miniseries run four years ago, but none of the actors have remained the same because of the necessary age gaps between generations (and because after four years, the actors moved on). So if you managed to be one of the few who watched and loved the series, The White Princess may prove more difficult to grasp.
Because of the confusing nature of the period and because I’m a giver, I did my best to try to sum up the main characters and events in the opening moments of The White Princess.
With pictures.
THE HISTORY
Note: to keep things as simple as possible, I will refrain from using fancy historical titles like Duke of Burgundy or Earl of Richmond and instead defer to a person’s first name.
Also note: I opted not to use pictures from Starz’ 2014 War of the Roses series, The White Queen, so as to avoid further confusion about character’s identities.
There are two sides to the War of the Roses: the Yorks and the Lancasters. There are other notable houses, some of whom switch sides several times, but for the purposes of understanding the TV show, I’ll be as brief as possible.
To understand Henry VII and why his plan to unite the Yorks and Lancasters was such a big deal, you have to grasp that England had suffered immensely at the hands of the War of the Roses, reeling from some of the bloodiest battles in all of English history. Henry VI (Henry VII’s uncle) and Edward IV played ping pong with the English throne, taking turns landing devastating blows on one another, wiping out key family members left and right until finally Edward IV established a semblance of peace in his final reign. Upon his death, his young son, Edward V took the throne, only to then be betrayed by his uncle and regent, Richard III, who locked up Edward V and his baby brother, Richard, in the Tower of London and claimed the throne for himself. This act sent England back to war.
In The White Princess, Elizabeth Woodville manages to save baby Richard from his uncle (by switching him with that of a servant boy) and plans to put him back on the throne of England once the dust has settled from the war. Despite a betrothal to Henry VII, Elizabeth of York, Woodville and Edward IV’s daughter, falls in love with Richard III (yes, her uncle and the man who killed her brother). Because of many York-allied houses disapproving of Richard III’s actions, they switch to the Lancaster side, giving Henry VII a much needed edge in military numbers, thusly allowing him to kill Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth Field.
The Lancasters suffered heavy losses over the course of the War of the Roses. Henry VI, deemed “mad” by even some of his supporters, had a hard time retaining the throne. Margaret Beaufort, however, Henry VI’s half-sister through marriage, was just conniving enough to establish alliances to secure her son’s position as the King of England. It was through her meddling that convinced Richard III to murder his nephews, thereby causing many families, including that of her second husband, Thomas Stanley, to switch to the Lancaster side. (It is also this act that causes much of the tension between Margaret and Elizabeth Woodville, the latter knowledgeable of Margaret’s hand in the death of her son.) Because of Margaret’s shrewd political understanding, she persuades Henry VII to follow through with the marriage to Elizabeth of York to secure the validity of the Tudor house as the true monarchs of England.
And that’s where The White Princess begins its tale.
After years of futuristic settings, the Call of Duty franchise is headed back to World War II.
Titled Call of Duty: WWII, Activision and developer, Sledgehammer Games, are set to reveal the first details on a World Reveal livestream on Wednesday, April 26 by co-studio heads and founders Michael Condrey and Glen Schofield.
It seems as though I am a little late to this party, but I just found out that Maggie Stiefvater’s book series ‘The Raven Cycle’ will be adapted for television! Maggie Stiefvater has confirmed this herself on Twitter.
The press release describes the series as “about four private school boys and a psychic’s daughter who quest for a sleeping king of Welsh legend in the mountains of Virginia, uncovering ancient magic, powerful dreams, and the devils in themselves.”
I understand that this is just a press release, and they can only present a condensed synopsis of the books, but these books are about so much more than that summary describes. They’re about friendship, they’re about loyalty, they’re about trust. I started reading the first book of the series The Raven Boys a month ago from the urging of a good friend. I needed a new book, it was only 5.99 on Kindle, so I thought why not. I opened up the book and read the first line of the prologue:
“Blue Sargent had forgotten how many times she’d been told that she would kill her true love.”
I stared at that sentence mesmerized, unable to move forward. I couldn’t get past how powerful that first sentence was. I read it over a few more time before moving on to the next sentence, thinking to myself “If this is how it starts, I can’t imagine what is to come.” And man, the rest of the book did not disappoint. You know how in Middle School and High School when your English teacher said that your writing should “Show what is happening, not tell,” well Stiefvater’s writing shows everything. With every sentence that I read, I can feel what is happening in the book. I didn’t feel like I was reading a book, I felt like I was experiencing it, and it was exhilarating. I am currently halfway through the second book in the series “The Dream Thieves” and Stiefvater’s ability to turn a verse, and evoke emotions still never ceases to amaze me.
Adapting a book into a TV show has its difficulties but if the show is able to exude the emotions from the book, this series will be amazing. And, just in case I didn’t make it crystal clear in this post EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO OUT AND READ THESE BOOKS!
A few days ago, Netflix released a trailer for its third season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and in case you missed it, take a peek now.
Now that Kimmy has dealt with her mother, her therapist, and acquired her GED, the only left for her to do is to head off to college to prepare for the big world in front of her. And get divorced from Reverend Wayne Gary Warny. While the school setting has always brought about some hijinks for Kimmy, here are a few other things we want to see in the latest season.
Titus
Titus has been the lovable ground on which Kimmy stands. He doesn’t always have her best interest at heart, as he’s inherently selfish, but he does always offer her the most honest opinion. And for Kimmy, someone who has been lied to for most of her life, that honesty is important. Also, Titus and his relationship with Mikey was one of the highlights of a pretty uneven second season.
Everyone loves Kimmy’s cheerful attitude, her ability to see sunlight, no matter how dour a situation. I wouldn’t dare suggest that Kimmy should change or that the show shouldn’t be a comedy, however, Kimmy (and Ellie Kemper) is at her absolute best when she’s faced with the horrible nature of her past. The final two episodes of season two, watching Kimmy face her mother, offered some of the best moments of the series. There’s a real depth to Kimmy’s PTSD that I’d like to see the show touch on a bit more in the future. While not every episode should be laden with heavy subjects, it’s important the show also touches on how Kimmy grapples with the darkness in her life and still maintains her good aura.
Daveed Diggs
Diggs, famous for his role in Hamilton as America’s favorite fighting Frenchman, has been confirmed for a small role in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, along with other new guest stars Laura Dern, Rachel Dratch, Ray Liotta, Andrea Martin and Maya Rudolph. While it’s understood his role isn’t as a series regular, it’s my hope that he manages to carve out a memorable supporting cast performance. If he doesn’t sing opposite Titus at some point (a Broadway star in his own right), it will be a crime against music.
Xanthippe
I’ll just say it: I LOVE Xan. She’s basically a younger, more spoiled version of Parks and Rec’s April Ludgate. Season one saw Xan and Kimmy squaring off often as Xan tried to piece together Kimmy’s secret identity. Xan makes for a fun antagonist for Kimmy and since they’ll both be at college, you can be sure Xan will try to make it miserable for our plucky bunker hero. (While secretly admiring Kimmy for all she has suffered.)
Kimmy Goes To Work (At a Corporate Job!)
I don’t want this to be a permanent plot point, but the idea of Kimmy working in a high-powered corporate job is hilarious to me. Imagine Kimmy going to Human Resources or trying to handle coworkers who want absolute nothing to do with her adorably social behind.
What else am I missing? What do you want to see in the third season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?
All episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season three will be available on Netflix on May 19th.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 2 “Cry Wilderness” Available on Netflix GRADE: A-
How terrible is “Cry Wilderness”, the second film featured in the new Mystery Science Theater 3000 series? Aside from not having much of a cinematic footprint (seriously, check out IMDB and Wikipedia; this sucker is bare bones), it’s like “Pod People”, “Boggy Creek II” and “The Final Sacrifice” all had a weird little baby and had it wander into Leonard Nimoy’s “In Search of Bigfoot” documentary. It has this cute little kid named “Paul” who, last year, befriended Bigfoot. THE Bigfoot. That’s why Paul’s going to some snooty academy where the boy’s quarters resemble the Edwardian Suite at the Plaza Hotel in New York. He’s got major issues. One, in particular, is having visions of Bigfoot, backlit like he’s Prince, yelling at him that his father’s in great danger. Yes, Bigfoot yells at Paul. At night. While he’s trying to sleep. Also, Bigfoot loves Coca-Cola. Forgot to throw that in there. So, of course, Paul’s dad gathers some hunter friends who have more guns than Texas during an NRA Convention to go hunt Bigfoot…you know, the same Bigfoot who was warning that his dad was in danger? Along the way, they fight with stock footage of every possible animal on the planet.
Yes, the movie is as ridiculous as it sounds…but it’s an anarchistic ridiculousness. If we’ve learned anything from the last ten seasons, it’s that the writers are masters with this type of material. Just like “Jack Frost”, “Puma Man”, “Pod People”, “Werewolf”, “Mitchell” and “Space Mutiny” before it, “Cry Wilderness” is a film that’s so WTF goofy, that Jonah and the Bots assume a free-wheeling riffing style, born of their respective characters’ frustration. That’s a HUGE treat for both them and us because their anger and pain just adds more humor to the proceedings and brings out the best in the trio, turning every single moment of the film into a comedic gem.
Some of the funnier ones (and this is scratching the surface) include:
MR. DOUGLAS (pointing at Bigfoot museum exhibit): “There’s no such creature as Bigfoot! Read the card! It’ll tell you that no such creature as Bigfoot has ever been found.” SERVO: Hence the exhibit!
MR. DOUGLAS: “You’re in BIG trouble, young man!” (Paul runs upstairs) CROW: “He called me a MAN! It’s all happening!”
(MR. DOUGLAS sits down to write a letter after Paul goes off about Bigfoot’s existence.) SERVO: “Dear Great Pumpkin, everyone’s cray cray.”
CROW: “This Palace of Versailles sleepover is AWESOME!”
BIGFOOT: “HURRY, PAUL!!!” JONAH: “I’VE SHOUTED AT THREE DIFFERENT BOY’S SCHOOLS! IS THIS THE RIGHT PAUL?!
(PAUL looks up at the Bigfoot display in the museum in awe.) JONAH: “Harry Potter and the Hendersons?”
(A man is seen running through a tranquil forest with his shotgun.) SERVO: “This is like if Bob Ross painted an action sequence…and it’s just as relaxing.”
MR. WAGNER: “Get in the canoe, go into the forest AND GET HIM!!! I want that animal’s head hanging on my wall in 24 HOURS!!!” CROW (imitating Wagner): “And I want his PELT made into a pair of JOGGING SHORTS IN 24 HOURS!!!” SERVO (imitating Wagner): “And his ears? I want made into matching KEY FOBS!!! Also, in 24 hours!!!” JONAH (imitating hunters): “What about the legs?” CROW (imitating Wagner): “Glad you asked! The legs I want made into an end table — ALSO inside 24 hours!!!”
CROW: “Hey, Jonah, what’s a ‘radio’?” JONAH: “It’s like a podcast you can’t control.”
CROW (imitating Paul’s father): “Paul! Come protect me! I need a human shield!”
MORGAN (to Paul): “Let’s keep this a secret between you and me.” CROW: OK, it is NEVER good when an adult says that to a kid!
(Car dies) WOMAN: “Oh, no…” CROW: Deus Ex Lack-of-Machina!
SERVO: So, Paul’s been out of school six months now, so he’ll probably have to repeat, like, three grades?
The host segments are nearly as funny as the theater segments. After a bit of a strange start (I’m really not thrilled Jonah has to “act out the intro sequence each time” or the idea of a cold open before that intro sequence), we get a great segment which recalls the “Trumpy, you can do magic things” bit from “Pod People”: Crow and Servo dress up like raccoons and start wrecking everything on the satellite while Jonah plays Paul’s dad who just sits there, laughing like a complete idiot and yelling for “Paul” and “Jim” to “get in here”. It grows even funnier when Crow starts taking a sledgehammer to a propane tank and Servo proceeds to whack a bee hive with a baseball bat which has Jonah in stitches. It’s hilariously simple. The only thing that could have made it better was if Kinga and Max got involved, belly laughing along with them, but this is still superb. The second sketch involves Jonah attempting to explain why things are the way they are in the film, prompting a frustrated Servo to ask, “So, why’d they make the Entourage movie?”, a great punchline for a sketch that probably needed one since plot analysis sketches on this show tend to drag a bit.
The final sketch deals with Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy stopping by and docking with Moon 13. Let’s face it: it’s fan service. Additionally, the reunion runs in stark contrast to last season’s “Soultaker”. Whereas that episode featured Joel reuniting with the ‘Bots and meeting Mike on the SOL (and was matched down on the ground with TV’s Frank coming back to visit Pearl), we don’t get that kind of personal touch here. Brain Guy, Bobo and Pearl don’t leave their ship. Instead, they sit there and talk to Kinga and Max, which just makes the whole bit feel cold and stiff. The sketch is necessary because it serves to remind viewers that Kinga Forrester is related to Pearl who was the mother of Clayton, thus legitimizing Kinga as a villain which is sorely needed. Clayton was arrogant and goofy while Pearl was just plain mean and delightfully (and sharply) sarcastic. Both of them didn’t give a damn about Joel or Mike. They just did their jobs. Felicia Day, when she applies herself (condescending to Max is a nice touch), can be fun to watch but most of the time, she comes across as saccharin and I just don’t buy her as the “super-villain” type. And I think part of the problem is that we still really don’t have any motivation for her evil ways, so there’s been no way to “connect”. I totally understand that this was the result of scheduling and probably had to be filmed separately but if you’re trying to push Kinga as the top heavy, I think this sketch might have worked better had the trio been physically in Kinga and Max’s presence. That said, despite its flaws, the sketch does work and it left me laughing. Part of it is the addition of “Synthia” (Rebecca Hanson, who also voices “Gypsy”), a Pearl clone that Pearl has lovingly donated to Kinga. It’s the right amount of crazy to inject into the mix.
Overall, this episode is a riot. The riffing is near perfect, the sketches are the right tone and the episode cruises along smoothly. This is the stuff series renewals should be made of: quality, care and love for their target audience. “Cry Wilderness” not only stands as the best of the new MST3K series thus far (which is a VERY welcome sign), it’s also one of the best episodes in the entire show’s existence.
The X-Files is coming back to FOX for the second event series.
The 10-episode installment will once again be executive-produced by creator Chris Carter, with stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson returning in their roles as iconic FBI Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. The event series will air during the 2017-2018 television season.
“Iconic characters, rich storytelling, bold creators – these are the hallmarks of great TV shows. And they are some of the reasons why The X-Files has had such a profound impact on millions of fans worldwide,” said David Madden, President, Fox Broadcasting Company. “Chris’ creativity, along with the brilliant work of David and Gillian, continue to propel this pop culture phenomenon, and we can’t wait to see what fresh mysteries Mulder and Scully uncover in this next chapter of The X-Files.”
Last year The X-Files drew an audience of nearly 16 million viewers over multiple platforms and was last season’s No. 2 broadcast drama. It also was the season’s most talked-about event series on Twitter.
Production is set to begin on the new event series this summer.
THE MAGICIANS -- "We Have Brought You Little Cakes" Episode 213 -- Pictured: Hale Appleman as Eliot -- (Photo by: Eike Schroter/Syfy)
In the season 2 finale of The Magicians, we discover that Ember was behind all the trouble in Fillory and the insanity that’s befallen Quentin and the squad.
With the ram god doing a quick recap of the show so far from his perspective, we discover that he’d been responsible for banishing Martin Chatwin from Fillory (resulting in him becoming the Beast), causing the Wellspring malfunctions (tampering with the filtration system), having Fen ovulate and conceive Eliot’s child, leading Margo to make a deal with the fairies, changing the seasons in Fillory, transforming part of the population into rats, and having babies born without their mouths all for his own amusement. He also confirms Umber’s warning from last week’s episode that Ember is deathly bored with the magical realm and will so destroy it. Fillory has been nothing more than an amusement for the gods, which begs the question, are all the worlds like that as well? Were they all just created for the entertainment of more powerful beings?
By the end of this chapter in The Magicians, it surely seems like it.
Here are the most insane things that happened in tonight’s season 2 finale:
Penny gets called into work
While being treated at Brakebills, Penny finds out that he only has a few weeks left to live unless the professors are able to undo the magical poisoning in his body. He and Kady travel to Mayakovsky’s to warn Eliot and Q about the impending disaster coming. The traveller also warns the high king that he needs to do something unexpected to successfully save Fillory because he’s read El’s books (there are two volumes) and believes that they can change fate. It seems like Penny’s plan was to help his friends and then he and Kady would go to Tahiti. But just as he’s telling her that he still has work to do, they get transported to the Order where he’s told to make his goodbyes because they are in a state of emergency and need their full staff. Kady protests that he’s dying but the librarian counters that is because the traveller went to a restricted section but that doesn’t excuse him from his duties. After all even after death he is still bound to the Order per his contract. Before she can say anything else the hedge witch is sent back to Earth.
Julia joins the squad to save Fillory
Eliot comes to Julia’s apartment to ask for her god-shielding medallion and sees how she’s struggling now that she’s been reunited with her shade. The hedge witch gives him the magical item and asks to be left alone, but El knows that she needs to do something to help her move forward. This is another example of how much the magician has grown since old Eliot wouldn’t have given a crap about another person that wasn’t Margo. He asks for her help to save all of magic and thankfully she agrees. They both head to Mayakovsky’s where they run into Penny and Kady. Eliot also Q to leave Alice alone for awhile and help him save Fillory.
He is able to return to the other realm via the ram clock and somehow manages to change King Idri back to human form. The high king then reclaims his throne from Prince Ess who throws a tantrum as he storms out of the thrown room with his father soon following. The two rulers share a kiss though now that Eliot’s Fillorian contract appears to be nullified from his banishment.
Margo and Josh return but without Fen or her daughter
Margo and Josh find Fen in the fairy dimension but she is unwilling to leave because her daughter is there. The two Brakebills magicians are called to meet with the fairy queen who tells them that they have bigger issues to deal with being Ember’s boredom with Fillory. The magical creature offers them a particularly potent plant that is especially enticing to gods in order to lure Ember to them. Unfortunately though she refused to return Fen and Eliot’s daughter because the child is now hers per their original agreement. She’s willing to let Margo and Josh return though because it’s in their mutual interest for them to succeed in saving Fillory. However, when they return to Whitespire, Margo reveals that she’s had to give up one eye as payment for passage. Eliot is waiting for them and the two best friends have an honest reunion.
Quentin pulls a fast one on Umber
A part of Eliot’s grand scheme is to use Quentin to get to Umber. Q returns to the god’s Vancouver home and is forcibly invited to try out the pocket world formerly known as Cuba. Inside, we see how perfectly symmetrical and bland this new realm is, from the streets to the restaurant chairs and even the food. The magician comments that sometimes humans like a little bit of the unknown, which turns out to be a really touchy subject for the god. With great effort, Umber takes some of the pasta from his plate and gently puts it on the table asking Q if he’s happy now before releasing a massive rant about Ember. The god claims that he couldn’t possibly go back to Fillory, but the magician interrupts saying that they are already there. The scene cuts to Julia shaking the snow globe inside Whitespire’s throne room. Umber freaks out, grabs Quentin, and they pop out of the pocket world only to discover themselves in Fillory with the godly brothers reuniting.
The godly brothers have a violent reunion
Except that doesn’t go very well at all. At first Ember is confused but happy because he thought Umber was long dead. Then he puts it together and realizes that he was tricked and betrayed by his own sibling. Martin Chatwin was never that powerful, he had only been a brilliant dealmaker and in fact never killed a god. Enraged, Ember throws his brother against the wall and then proceeds to kill him. However, the energy expelled from the act of killing a god is used by Julia to infuse a blade with power (just like she did for the bullet for Reynard). She then taunts Ember, which doesn’t seem like such a good idea.
Quentin slays Ember
The magical god-killing blade transfers from Julia’s hand to Q’s who is conveniently standing next to Ember. The god is too distracted trying to choke the hedge witch for her insolence that he doesn’t notice the other magician until it’s too late. Quentin stabs him in the side and Ember’s final words are that Q always surprised him.
Kady asks for help to save Penny’s life
Kady manages to track down Harriet the magician (who was the head of FuzzBeat) and her makes a proposal. In exchange for helping to somehow save Penny’s life, he’ll become her mole in the Order. The other woman is hesitant though because the last thing she wants is for the Order to get up in her business. Kady reassures her though that Penny won’t even know that he’s being used. Whatever Harriet wants to know, she’ll ask her boyfriend then he’ll tell her and she’ll pass along the information. Does that make her a crappy girlfriend? Maybe, but then again she does try to save his life so in the grand scheme of things its for the greater good?
Alice and Q sort of make up
Q returns to Mayakovsky’s and tries a different tactic in getting Alice to talk to him again. Earlier she had been burning herself and he made her drink a potion that would prevent her from harming herself. She was still super pissed and couldn’t understand why he brought her back. This time he has a secret weapon, BACON. Yup the deliciousness of fried pork proves too much of a temptation for a mere human and Alice succumbs to scarfing it all down. With a full belly of oily goodness, Q takes a napkin and begins to clean her hand then massages it. Alice asks why that feels so good and he answers that he doesn’t know. Ms. Quinn is still a little feral at this point and she gives in to her primal urge to procreate. After as they are both laying in bed, Q comments that this has been an okay day since he had even managed to killed a god. Alice freaks out and tells him that he is an idiot because gods like Ember have parents. Normally these ancient gods ignore them but if they cause trouble they get ripped like a malignant tumor.
Enter a magical plumber who shuts magic down
Speaking of angering the gods, they send a magical plumber who begins to shut down magic in multiple places. On Earth he shuts it down within Brakebills, then in the Neitherlands inside the library, and finally within Whitespire in Fillory. Now it all makes sense why Mayakovsky was storing magic and why the last 20 pages were missing from the books of all creatures currently alive.
Julia miraculously still has some magic
Two months later with the literal magic pipelines out of commission, the wards hiding Brakebills are gone and they’ve had to set up a real fence to keep people out. Alice, Quentin and the rest of their classmates are studying magical theory in order to be prepared for the time when the gods see fit to turn the power back on. Alice unexpectedly encounters Friar Joseph who says he is dying since he had gotten his magic from the Wellspring. However, he came to give her a warning that as a niffin she made an enemy and it would now seek its revenge knowing that she was vulnerable.
Julia visits Q at Brakebills and tells him that she quit law school. When he asks why, she says that she has to show him something but he needs to promise not to tell anyone because she only trust him. He agrees and she performs a small spell where sparks come out of her fingers. This scene mirrors a very similar moment in season 1 when Julia was showing Q the exact same thing, only this time she’s the one who somehow has magic while he doesn’t. My guess is that because she spared Reynard’s life, Persephone has somehow allowed her to retain some power despite the shutdown on Earth.
The fairies cometh
Meanwhile in Fillory Eliot and Margo are arguing about how to proceed. Margo wants to be a totalitarian dictator while El wants democracy when Fen barges in escorted by guards. She explains that she had wanted to remain in the other realm to be with her daughter but she had to come back to warn them. She also had to give up her toes as payment for passage. Unfortunately its too late as numerous fairies suddenly appear in the throne room with the fairy queen outside the gates of Whitespire. Seems like their magic didn’t disappear and they are taking advantage of the dry spell in Fillory for a takeover. Things are not looking good.
Final Thoughts
Season 2 of The Magicians upped the ante and flashed onto screens like a badass unicorn. The show continues to be multifaceted, able to be dark and intense while still not taking itself too seriously. We also saw continued growth for the main characters who all faced incredibly challenging situations. Their world expanded as we saw more of Fillory, got introduced to Loria, the Underworld, dragons, fairies, and the gods. The first season was all about introducing us to the world of magic and in season 2 we saw that there is so much more out there.
The series has thankfully been renewed for a season 3 and so we’ll find out whether Penny survives the poisoning, Fillory’s state of affairs under fairy rule (also why do they really want Eliot and Fen’s baby??), Quentin’s return to mundanity, Alice’s attempt to save herself from a new enemy, Kady’s deal with Harriet, and Julia’s hidden magic. What’s it going to take for the powers that be to get the plumbing up and running again? Sacrifice? I vote for Tick Pickwick to take one for the team.
The Magicians is on Syfy Wednesdays at 9/8 central.
iZombie
Season 3 Episode 3: “Eat, Pray, Liv”
Original Air Date: April 18, 2017
This week on iZombie’s “Eat, Pray, Liv” Major starts developing symptoms from the Zombie Cure and Ravi’s douchebaggary reaches an all time high.
Murder/Brain of the Week:
Victim: A yoga instructor who was murdered while meditating. Liv makes Brain Chai Tea with his spiritual brains and becomes enlightened. I’m a little confused how Liv prepared these brains for consumption. Can you really puree brain/meat into a chai tea latte?
Anywho, the murderer was the victim’s ex-business partner. This murder seemed like a bizarre choice because neither the crime nor the brains played into the main plots of the episode. That is all I really have to say about the murder this week.
Major:
Major is struggling to keep up with his fellow zombie commandos at his new Fillmore Graves job. He gets shot in the head during every training drill, which is not the most desirable thing if you are a zombie (or like, anyone). Not only is Major the new guy, but most of the soldiers around him were mercenaries before they were zombies as well, putting Major at a major disadvantage (the novelty of using major puns has yet to wear off). To make matters even worse, the ill effects of his Zombie cure are starting to rear their ugly heads. His lungs are filling up with liquid, and while Ravi is currently able to drain the fluid, this is only a temporary fix. Major now has to decide between two undesirable outcomes: take the Zombie Cure 2.0 which will most likely wipe away all his memories, or die in a couple of weeks.
Ravi thinks that his memory loss cure is complete, but can’t be sure because mice brains are different than humans. He doesn’t want to give Major the cure without assurance that he will be able to keep his memories. This is where Blaine comes in. (I have already addressed my qualms with this “memory cure” so I won’t rehash them again here).
Blaine:
Blaine has decided to expand his horizons and become a lounge singer. I can officially say that I am pretty sure that Blaine is most likely not faking his memory loss. I can’t see old Blaine wanting to be a lounge singer even for the sake of a cover.
Peyton comes to see his musical debut, and after his set, he asks him for some legal help. Apparently, there is a little snag in his father’s will. That little snag, of course, is the fact that his father is not actually dead (well, he is undead, but he’s not dead dead. You guys know what I mean!). While Mr. Beers attends this meeting to show his son a that he holds all of the power in this relationship, Blaine wants to use this opportunity to get to know his father. Maybe he can shed some light on Blaine’s forgotten past. On who he used to be. But when his father recalls a story of how an eleven-year-old Blaine pawned off his mother’s favorite earrings to a drug dealer, he realizes that he doesn’t want to know his pre-cure self. Maybe this tabula rasa that the Zombie Cure granted him was actually a gift.
Ravi:
Oh, Ravi, what am I going to do with you? After spending two straight episodes whining to anyone in earshot about his poor broken heart, Liv has had enough.
Liv: “Stop, no more. Talk to her, not to me”
So he heads to Peyton’s office to “apologize.” He tells Peyton that he is sorry for how he has been acting, but it was only because he can’t stop picturing her and Blaine boning. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with Ravi apologizing to Peyton and explaining why he has been acting like a douche bag. Whether or not I agree with them, Ravi is entitled to his feeling. But what he isn’t allowed to do is turn this into a non-apology and make Peyton feel guilty for Ravi’s reaction. And that is exactly what he does. Thankfully, Peyton is not having any of Ravi’s bullshit.
Peyton: “And this should be obvious, but I am going to say it anyways. Your opinion in this matter is irrelevant. What did you come here for Ravi? Did you come here to say you’re sorry? Or were you hoping maybe, I’d apologize to you?”
Peyton already feels guilty enough for sleeping with Blaine, even though she shouldn’t. Peyton was the victim here. Blaine used her. He pretended to be someone else to get into her pants. She thought he was this noble and courageous man risking his life to bring down the biggest mobster in the city. She didn’t know that he was Liv’s arch nemesis. She is the victim, and you, Ravi, should be telling her that none of this is her fault, not making her feel worse.
The Cure
When it comes time to ask Blaine memory cure test subject, Blaine declines. He doesn’t want to become the person he was before. This infuriates Ravi. Blaine has committed so many horrendous acts: he tortured Major and then turned him into a zombie; he killed homeless teens to collect their brains; he infected an entire boat party to create more zombie customers. He should take the cure and atone for his sins. These are all valid points, and I understand Ravi’s anger. Peyton, on the other hand, does not.
Peyton: “Why are you being such a dick?” Ravi: “It isn’t obvious? It’s because I’m in love with you!”
Well sir, that declaration of love just rendered your previous arguments moot. This has nothing to do with saving Major. This is only about Ravi’s stupid pride!
Putting the douchebag Ravi aspect of this storyline aside, I found myself conflicted on whether or not Blaine should take the serum. For this argument, I am going to assume that Blaine’s memory loss is indeed legit. If Blaine has no recollection of committing those horrendous acts, and he is no longer the person who would commit those acts going forward, does he really have anything to atone for? This isn’t a case of him being a “changed man,” he literally isn’t the same person who committed those acts. I understand the thinking that if he is a truly decent man he would atone for the sins of the man he previously was, but should he have to? I also could not wrap my head around the fact that everyone was actively willing to bring the old Blaine back. He was a downright evil dude. He killed teens without a second though; he turned people into zombies just to increase his client pool. Is that someone that they really want to bring back?
In the end, Blaine decides to do the “right” thing and lets Ravi takes the injection. I guess we will all just have to wait and see what happens.
Later that night Peyton goes to confront Ravi about his declaration of love. She barges into the house and yells at him for not being there for her. If he loved her, why wasn’t he by her side? He apologizes profusely and promises that he will be better. Promises that he will give her what she needs. As the pair shares a passionate kiss, Peyton hears a wine glass break in the kitchen. It turns out Ravi wasn’t drinking his sorrows at home alone; he invited his former boss over for a booty call. And on that, Peyton storms out and meets the rest of team Z at the bar to listen to Blaine play lounge music.
Other Things:
Major has a new work friend named Justin, and he is amazing. Major invites him over to play DDR with him and Liv, and it is awesome. Anyone else sensing a potential spark between him and Liv?
Donnie and Mr. Beers have found a name and a location for their new business venture. Donnie quickly realizes though that this partnership isn’t going to be as fun as he initially thought. Blaine’s father dismisses nearly all of Donnie’s ideas and has assigned him to coffee run duty.
I just don’t understand Ravi. Once Peyton entered the house, her discovering Katty was inevitable. I can’t think of a single way that it could have been avoided. He should have just told her. Ugh, Ravi, get your shit together!
IRON CHEF GAUNTLET Season 1, Episode 1
“Into the Wild”
AIR DATE: April 16, 2017
GRADE: —
Iron Chef has been MIA for a good three years or so, lost in a haze of “Chopped” championships and the sound of Guy Fieri yelling about groceries. Not to be outdone, Iron Chef has chosen to re-enter the food fray with a total departure from the norm: changing the title of The Next Iron Chef to Iron Chef Gauntlet, reducing the number of Iron Chefs to three (Bobby Flay, Michael Symon and the great Masaharu Morimoto) and putting Alton Brown in the “Chairman” seat since original “Chairman”, Wo Fat, was killed in action on Hawaii Five-0. The winner will run “The Gauntlet” and face all three Iron Chefs for the privilege of becoming an actual “Iron Chef”…and, hopefully, that means that all this will lead us to a NEW Iron Chef series where nobody cares about the new guy, everyone continues to detest Bobby Flay and wonders when Morimoto or Michael Symon will cook again.
Let’s roll!
Our contestants are pretty cool people, stepping through the giant Star Trek doors that only exist if you’re on this show or at Disneyland and they’re all dressed like they’re commanding the North Korean army. Alton Brown runs down the rules and the goals in case their hearts weren’t beating fast enough. The first theme Chairman Alton wants to explore is “In the Wild” where all the different food stuffs the new crew will be working with are various types of wild game and pine needles…in case they want to rub themselves with pheromones for moose breeding season, I guess. Lo and behold, some of the chefs use the pine needles to season and marinate their food. And while all this is going on, we get our chef introductions. They are…
Minnie Driver!
Mini-Morimoto!
Jada Pinkett-Smith’s autobiographical Oscar role!
Sarah Froman: The Sausage Pasta Queen of Chicago!
Bigfoot!
Dolph Ziggler!
and Your Ex-Boyfriend!
I kid, of course. Each one of these contestants is amazing:
Jonathan Sawyer has won the Beard Award, the Food and Wine Award, Bon Appetit and the Forbes Award.
Stephanie Izard has won the Beard Award, Food and Wine and was a winner on Top Chef.
Nyesha Arrington has won the Best 30 Under 30 by Zagat and 2015 Eater’s Chef of the Year.
Jason Dady is from Texas and runs six different restaurants.
Shota Nakajima is only 27 and has a chance to become the youngest Iron Chef in the show’s history. He has his own restaurant in Seattle.
Sarah Grueneberg is actually the self-proclaimed “Pasta Queen of Chicago” (in case you thought I was being overly snarky) and she’s had Best Chef/Restaurant by GQ, Bon Appetit and Food & Wine Magazine.
Michael Gulotta was 2016’s Best Chef in Food & Wine Magazine.
They all have 30 minutes to cook something from all the meats they were given.
Alton watches the action from a Best Buy Geek Squad test lab even though he’s ten feet away from everyone.
Host Alton Brown watching the chefs prepare their dishes for the Chairman Challenge, as seen on Iron Chef Gauntlet, Season 1.
We learn that Elk is really, really hard. Dady picked that. Grueneberg picked rabbit but she has no idea if it will be cooked in 30 minutes. Gulotta’s got quail and some sort of wine sauce. Nakajima also has quail soaked in a combo of Sake and Soy Sauce. Arrington’s got squad and wants a certain texture. Soon, time runs out and it’s time for a tasting.
CHEF DADY: He has a Porcini-Crusted Elk Loin that has a nice pink center. Dady gets high marks on the done-ness of his elk and the sauce topping it.
CHEF GULOTTA: has a Buttermilk Fried Quail in a Red Currant Vindaloo Curry. Alton Brown says it’s the best friend quail he’s ever had, stating that even though the sauce nearly gets in the way, the quail overpowers that and Brown jokes that he’d eat it out of a box “at night in a dark alley in the back of his car”.
CHEF ARRINGTON: She chose to make a Roast Squab with Salsify Purée. Brown says the meat is seasoned lightly but that it’s not mixing well with the rest of the ingredients.
CHEF GRUENEBERG: Forest Rabbit with Bacon and Rabbit Sausage. Brown says the rabbit is nicely cooked but that the ingredients are not mixing and there’s no “forest” theme. Also, the plating sucked.
CHEF SAWYER: Sicilian-Style Hunter’s Pasta with Squab. The chili overpowers everything and there isn’t really an “herbal finish” indicative of a “wild” theme. So, Sawyer LITERALLY bribes Brown with a glass of wine used in the braise. Brown: “Nice try, Chef.”
CHEF IZARD: Duck Tartare with Gochujang Mayonnaise. Brown is curious as to why the currants weren’t included with the main meat. Izard says that she eats Duck Tartare that way. BROWN: “So do I…NOW.”
CHEF NAKAJIMA: Grilled Quail with Mushrooms. Brown says the dish is clean and balanced and has great plating. The dressing is too salty. The braise isn’t great.
Brown says the best dish in the lot was…Chef Izard and her Duck Tartare.
The worst? Chef Grueneberg and her Forest Rabbit.
Grueneberg freaks out during the camera interview, coming to tears. She WANTS to be here, dammit!
Brown tells Chef Izard to pick a chef for Grueneberg to face for the right to go to the next round — and hold the phone. What’s the deal here? This is a strange rule. What if you choose the best chef and he/she doesn’t plate something correctly and they lose on a technicality. I don’t understand the logic here. But, whatever — let’s move on. Izard picks Chef Arrington and, already, I’m wincing at the possible outcome.
Brown announces the Secret Ingredient which IS…LOBSTER!!!
So, they waited for this moment to imitate the TV show?
Grueneberg is suddenly confident! So is Arrington! Gureneberg says she’s gonna go Italian and be Italian because she specializes in Italian while Arrington’s gonna “take us around the world” like Daft freakin’ Punk. The wannabe Iron Chefs sit there an offer hot takes. Arrington’s going nuts and putting together a sous vide lobster dish? “I wouldn’t do that,” they lament. Gureneberg makes pasta noodles. “Whoa! Nice move! That’s what she’s known for!” She’s known for making pasta noodles? Well, I should be rich then!
60 minutes are up and it’s time to judge.
The familiar Donatelle Arpaia Stewart and Iron Chef Geoffrey Zakaraian are our judges…
Host Alton Brown with Iron Chef Geoffrey Zakarian and Co-Judge Donatella Arpaia judging Chef Sarah Grueneberg’s dishes, Lobster Aguachile, Singaporean Turmeric Black Pepper Pasta, and Butter Poached Lobster with Eggplant Puree, for the Secret Ingredient Showdown, as seen on Iron Chef Gauntlet, Season 1.
CHEF GRUENEBERG
She starts with the Spiny Lobster Aguachile. Arpaia coughs obnoxiously and finds it to be kinda spicy. Like her dress. Zakarian loves it because the sweeter stuff offsets the spice.
2nd dish is a Turmeric Black Pepper Pasta with Spiny Lobster. Arpaia is impressed with this because the noodles are homemade and the flavors seems to be Italian but aren’t. She thinks Grueneberg has really used Turmeric well. Zakarian wants more pepper. Arpaia disagrees.
Final dish is the Butter-Poached Lobster with Charred Eggplant Purée. Arpaia says that all her dishes “make sense”. Zakarian doesn’t understand the marriage between the eggplant and lobster. Personally working with eggplant and being Italian, I don’t understand anyone who includes it in any dish.
CHEF ARRINGTON
First dish is Lobster Boudin Wrapped in Swiss Chard with Lobster Broth. Holy. Shit. This dish is a work of art.
That’s Morimoto-esque right there. There’s Lobster Mousse and broth and WOW. Arpaia loves it but Zakarian is not impressed. He says the “mousse isn’t cooked” and feels like the dish is “very lobster forward”, a phrase I’m SURE I will never hear in my life again.
2nd dish is Spiny Lobster Coconut Nage, a dish that Zakarian calls “very lobster-y” (he’s either drunk or mailing it in at this point) while Arpaia thinks that it might need heat or some sort of herb. Then she admits to being “picky”, for crying outloud and I’m suddenly reminded of why I hate TV cooking competition shows.
Final dish: Spanish-Style Main Lobster with Chorize & Corn Purée. Arpaia says that the dish works very well but there’s not heat. Zakarian says that the dish is “sweet” and overpowers everything.
It’s time to be all judgy.
We get the “here’s-how-we-scored” spiel. Brown says one dish was more lobster-y than the other.
The winner is…
CHEF GRUENEBERG.
You’ve got to be kidding me. Grueneberg cooks a bunch of not-Italian Italian slop that’s “lobster-y” while Arrington designs one of the best plates I’ve seen since Morimoto’s “stained glass sushi” and Arpaia finally admits that she’s “picky” and Arrington loses? Sheesh.
Sing me a song of a lass that is WITH THE MAN SHE LOVES ALREADY. It feels like it has been two hundred years since Outlander’s second season ended and I can’t stand the heartbreak of knowing that Jamie and Claire STILL aren’t back together. Starz released a teaser trailer for the show’s third season which doesn’t do much to quell the anxiety of the pair being separated, but at least we know that Jamie is still searching for the love of his life.
In Season Three of “Outlander,” the story picks up right after Claire travels through the stones to return to her life in 1948. Now pregnant, she struggles with the fallout of her sudden reappearance and its effect on her marriage to her first husband, Frank. Meanwhile, in the 18th century, Jamie suffers from the aftermath of his doomed last stand at the historic battle of Culloden, as well as the loss of Claire. As the years pass, Jamie and Claire attempt to make a life apart from one another, each haunted by the memory of their lost love. The budding possibility that Claire can return to Jamie in the past breathes new hope into Claire’s heart… as well as new doubt. Separated by continents and centuries, Claire and Jamie must find their way back to each other. As always, adversity, mystery, and adventure await them on the path to reunion. And the question remains: when they find each other, will they be the same people who parted at the standing stones, all those years ago?
Book Three is set to premiere in September 2017 and will include 13 episodes based upon the third of eight books in Diana Gabaldon’s international best-selling Outlander series, entitled Voyager. Production and filming on the third season continues in Cape Town, South Africa.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Season 11, Episode 1
“Reptilicus”
Available on Netflix
Host Sequences: B
Riffing: A-
Overall Grade: B+
I’ll just get it out of the way now so you know where I stand: For 11 years, three networks, two different hosts, four different robots, one “magic voice”, six different villains, 197 episodes and one feature film showcasing some of the worst movies ever committed to celluloid, Mystery Science Theater 3000 was one of the greatest television show of all-time. Featuring a clever premise (a lowly janitor is shot into space by mad scientists and forced to watch awful movies) invented by show creator and host Joel Hodgson, the show hit on every aspect of pop culture thanks to Hodgson’s decades-worth of unique knowledge of entertainment’s past. For a decade, the show entertained viewers using references and in-jokes from the world film, music, television and toys, just to name a few, creating one of the most dedicated, delightfully geeky fan bases since Trekkies were a thing. Even when voices, hosts and villains shifted around or changed, the show remained at the top of its game until it finally said goodbye to fans in 1999. But even after its departure from television, fans kept the show alive via the tape-trading market and word of mouth which lead to some of the former alumni of the show to create offshoots of the series.
Joel Hodgson went on to create Cinematic Titanic, a slightly different version of MST3K starring former cast and crew members Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Mary Jo Pehl and Josh Weinstein. Show producer Jim Mallon pushed an animated cartoon on his personal MST3K website and the most recent riffers Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett currently make comedic running commentary tracks for recent movies (good and bad) called “RiffTrax”. Of the three projects, the latter still exists but they were all fueled by one thing: the love of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Hodgson sensed this and began reacquiring the rights to the films used in many of the episodes, an unfortunate downside to being “unique”: when you riff on somebody else’s movie, you have to get the rights to show it. This is the main reason “collections” are released to home video instead of full seasons. To this day, owners and distributors of some of these films don’t want them showcased in such a manner. “Complete” collections only exist, in fact, due to digital archivists whose hard work gets put up on torrent sites for all to download. Since I didn’t want to wait the requisite 24 days it takes to download 100 GB and drive my bandwith bill up into the millions (I fucking hate Comcast), I chose to get my collection from a friend of mine. Because of him, I was able to relive my teenage years by watching the show whenever I wanted. It still never fails to make me laugh.
Imagine the glee heard from every MSTie on the planet when Joel Hodgson announced that a new version of MST3K would be in the works — provided his Kickstarter campaign received enough funding. Two months later, Hodgson had nearly $6 million dollars and the fans got a new season. From that moment on, it felt like forever. It only started to become real during Turkey Day 2016 when it was announced that Patton Oswalt would be cast as “TV’s Son of TV’s Frank” and we got to meet the remainder of the cast. Then the release date was announced…then the teaser trailer. It was all coming together.
And here we are now…
It’s 2017. We’ve seen our fair share of reboots, sequels, “re-imaginings” and revivals. You might imagine that it’s very easy to be cynical. Not much evidence is required to subscribe to this line of thinking: The X-Files was a fantastic example of what not to do when re-launching a series. Power Rangers was a mess. Warner Brother’s DC Comics film franchise reboot following the Dark Knight films is a hot pile of steaming garbage. I’d mention CHiPs here but that’s not just stating the obvious, it’s almost unfair to a point. Would Mystery Science Theater 3000 succumb to the fate of those that dared choose resurrection instead of retirement?
Having waited for YEARS for this moment, having had repeated self-programmed marathons born of my own collection, having done the same with RiffTrax’s “Twilight” collection…having agonized with my fellow MSTies…I am very happy to report that Mystery Science Theater 3000 has finally, truly returned.
Was there any doubt?
Yeah, the show’s first episode isn’t without its flaws. Yes, it’s different. You’re a seasoned MSTie! Does any of that actually worry you? Are you sitting there nitpicking when you should be relaxing and just living in the moment and enjoying the jokes? Do I have to remind you that KTMA’s episodes weren’t this crew’s best work? That the early episodes at Comedy Central were stiff and that it took the writers time to find their legs? Do I need to recall the time Joel quit and Mike was introduced — but the biting humor was retained? How about when the show moved from Comedy Central to SyFy? STILL FUNNY. What, you thought the show wouldn’t be able to survive the Internet/Social Media era where it could be endlessly scrutinized, judged and dismissed?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 INVENTED modern “snark”, junior. All those Internet trolls you’ve fought, all those fights you’ve lost, all those memes? You can thank this show.
It’s on Netflix now. We’ve got Jonah Ray playing “Jonah Heston” (an obvious nod to Charlton Heston who the cast has referenced more than once with regard to his part in “Planet of the Apes”), a brilliant “Gizmocrat” who has brought home a huge mining payload that should make him rich — if it weren’t for a mysterious woman and her crew aboard “Moon 13” who hijack Jonah’s ship and force him to land. It’s here where the show exhibits its first flaw: attempting to give us an origin story while force-feeding us the new theme song. Having the song stop and start as it does really throws off the comedic timing and makes things feel a bit klunky. Even still. you can’t help but smile when hear the recognizable lyrics, “I’ll send him cheesy movies/the worst we can find — la, la, la” which goes into a new Robot Roll Call and crescendos, of course, with the title of the show.
But, hell, they had me at “TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS (WHERE APPLICABLE)”.
The movie they riff on is a nice, stinky slice of monster cheese called “Reptilicus”, a Danish attempt at a Godzilla movie which is very much like Season 10’s “Gorgo”, only with a smaller budget. The riffs come hard and fast (something that’s remedied upon second viewing) and has quite a few gems:
JONAH: (Phone Rings) “Do you think it’s Reptilicus?!”
(Character puts hat on top of filing cabinet on his way to desk)
GYPSY: Now you’re MISTER File Cabinet!
GENERAL: “He’s headed to the beach!”
JONAH: “On a weekday?! Must be nice…”
SCIENTIST: “There he is!”
JONAH: “Are you sure it’s the same Reptilicus?”
(Reptilicus breathes fire after eating somebody)
JONAH: “Ew! Now he’s purging!”
CROW: “Bulimicus!”
(General walks by all his troops and scientists one by one)
JONAH (in very grim tone) “Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck…” (
(General arrives at the end of the line of people)
JONAH: (Growls darkly) “…GOOSE.”
JONAH: “Well, we really decimated that Costco…good job, men! What’s next?”
JONAH: “They’re obviously dubbing in those screams.”
CROW: “Why do you say that?”
JONAH: “The Danes are too polite to scream.”
JONAH: “Wait, who’s on the roof?”
CROW: “Must be a Kickstarter backer.”
JONAH: “Oh…”
(Man walks into a dark aquarium display)
JONAH: “The lights are out…fish must have been chewing on the power lines again…”
Jonah and his crew even toss in a few old references:
SERVO: Jonah…did you know that diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you?
JONAH: Rat Patrol! In color!
(Cast sings part of the Gilligan’s Island theme during a storm sequence)
The good news is that the new riffs outweigh the old callback material which is only there to glad-handle the series VIP’s. The bad news? Not to be a downer, but Kinga Forrester and “TV’s Son of TV’s Frank” (AKA “Max”) are weak and have very little screen time. There’s also no explanation for why they grabbed Jonah and forced him to watch movies except for the incredibly vague notion that Kinga’s running some sort of network conglomerate and is using Jonah and the Bots to drive ratings through the roof. I suspect that the show will develop the characters over time and we’ll see a little bit more chemistry but it ends up being one of the least memorable things about the episode. What can you say when Kinga and Max won’t even participate in the Invention Exchange? I just can’t.
Also just a touch jarring, though not as detrimental, are the small changes: Gypsy’s voice (Rebecca Hanson) has been “reprogrammed” to sound like an actual woman. Part of Gypsy’s charm was that she always sounded like a guy imitating a girl — but you still believed and accepted her as a woman. The change seems altogether needless for a show that seems hellbent on tradition. Also, while I’m used to the new voices for Crow and Tom Servo (Hampton Yount and Baron Vaughn, respectively), it’s odd that a) you can’t tell which one of them is talking in the theater and b) slight changes have been made to their characters now that this MST3K has a bigger budget. For instance, Crow’s arms work. He can clap, he can move them around. I’m not used to this. Servo’s arms still don’t work — but the dude can fly around now. In the theater, he assures us, but he can fly now. I don’t so much mind Crow’s change as I do Servo’s. This is a gimmick that’s used far too often during a movie and, needless to say, it’s distracting and steals time away from the other riffers.
Other than that, the skits are strong for the most part. Even though Netflix doesn’t have “commercials”, we still get the classic “theater breaks” which, in turn, gives Jonah and the Bots three good chances to stretch and make us laugh. The strongest of the three immediately warms you up and makes you realize just why you loved MST3K so much: the Bots ask Jonah to explain, in song, the correlation between any given country and the monster that haunts them. Jonah puts his heart and soul into the number and the Bots sing along to “Every Country Has a Monster” which I’m just going to go out on a limb already and proclaim to be a classic MST3K number. The writing here is absolutely brilliant — especially the break after the “Chinese Chicken” bit which is lovingly adopted from “One Week” by The Barenaked Ladies and casually dropped right into this one. The other two skits are a toss-up. The middle sketch sees Crow using one of Servo’s limbs to clone him (something we did in the last episode if memory serves) and one where Jonah reads fan letters from very small children who are far too young to even know what MST3K is unless we’re supposed to assume they’re a product of fanboy parents. Regardless, the sketch is very cute.
2016 may have ended badly and 2017 may be a transition year but any year that sees a new batch of MST3K episodes is a good year.
I look forward to binging on this show for the next month.
Director Rian Johnson revealed the teaser trailer and poster to Star Wars: The Last Jeditoday during the upcoming film’s panel at Star Wars Celebration to the excitement of attendees, some of whom have been in line since 3:00 am this morning.
The panel was moderated by actor Josh Gad and in attendance were Lucasfilm Chief Kathleen Kennedy and cast members Mark Hamill, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, and Kelly Marie Tran (who plays a new character named Rose, a member of the Resistance and works as a maintenance crew member).
In the trailer we see the familiar faces of Luke, Rey, Finn, Poe, and Kylo Ren as well as lots of action sequences and what seems to be Jedi training sessions on Luke’s island. But the Force user’s ominous declaration that it’s time for the Jedi to end is the best part of the teaser because it opens up so many possibilities for the film’s plotline. Also, since we only got to see him at the very end of Force Awakens with no lines, how nice to hear Luke speak at last.
Also check out the Last Jedi poster which feels very Sith-like. I wonder if it will follow in the steps of Empire Strikes Back to be the darkest film in the new trilogy.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi hits theaters December 15, 2017.
Finally, the time’s up and it’s time for a tasting…
