How to Get Away With Murder
Season 3, Episode 2: “There Are Worse Things Than Murder” Original Air Date: September 29, 2016 Grade: A
There may have been a bit of truth to those signs being posted around the campus marking Annalise as a killer. Episode 2, “There Are Worse Things Than Murder,” opens with our favorite How to Get Away With Murder lawyer being questioned as a suspect in the murder of whoever is laying on that stretcher. For sure, we know it’s not Oliver, who actually was my first guess given how unnecessary he is to the show. We do know however that it’s someone who may not be worth all of the emotion Annalise demonstrated in the previous episode, as she handed Oliver a cell phone to erase whatever incriminating evidence it holds. Oh, Annalise: always finding a way to get over on the law.
Flashing back to two months earlier (you really have to start wondering in what time does this show actually take place given all the flash forwards and backs), we see that Frank has killed the private investigator that Annalise sent on his tail. One of the most confusing things about this Frank storyline isn’t so much the progression of him from being the most loyal man in her life to a wreck of sorts, it’s trying to understand why it got this far and what the goal for him is. It’s hard to get in the mind of someone so closed off as Frank, which may be to the benefit of the audience as this is a murder mystery of sorts, but it can make it difficult to really be concerned with his whereabouts.
One of the strongest pieces of this episode in particular has nothing to do with the ongoing search for Frank or who actually is dying this season, but instead the court case that Connor takes on concerning a woman who was domestically abused for over a decade before deciding to end her husband’s life, which landed her in prison. While she’s had several parole hearing, it’s been to no avail but Connor is determined to make a difference and change the outcome. While Annalise may not approve of Connor’s edgier tactics, he manages to be realistically victorious in granting Irene with her freedom.
Meanwhile, the relationship between Wes and Annalise is just as strange as it’s always been. In some ways, I feel bad for Annalise because of the amount of guilt she carries in regards to Wes and burying all of the secrets away from him. She carries this maternal cloak over him trying to protect him when she needs just as much protection as he does. Is she even the right person to be protecting him to begin with? There are so many questions involving those two. Annalise asks him to move in to her home and he denies her request yet shows up with dinner later on, thereby proving they’re just as confused about each other as we are.
Connor and Oliver also are a ball of confusion about what their lack of a relationship really is. At this point, I’m just hoping it’s not Wes on that stretcher and it’s more like Bonnie. The woman looks so much like Sarah Paulson and it’s driving me insane. She’s like fake-Sarah Paulson.
But all in all, the murder mystery and confusing soap opera that is this episode and series altogether, does its part in exposing audiences to the harsh unfair treatment of women, especially abuse victims, when it not only comes to the law but within the prison system as well. For that alone, it makes for a very necessary episode.
How To Get Away With Murder airs Thursday on ABC at 10pm EST.
Pitch Season 1, Episode 2: “Interim” Thursday, September 29, 2016
Spoilers through Pitch season 1, episode 2: “The Interim.”
The entire country has caught some Gin-sanity on this week’s episode of Pitch, “The Interim” (this seems like an awesome opportunity for Baker to strike up a contract with a liquor company), as Ginny’s rise to the MLB is all anyone can talk about. Some critics ponder whether Ginny deserves all this attention, such as the sportscaster who states:
“My grandma throws faster than that. It’s not sexist, it’s factual.”
Other sportscasters, such as Katie Nolan, make fun of Ginny’s teammates for not being able to handle the spotlight being shone on her: “ Come on boys, haven’t you seen the movie? There’s no crying in baseball” (FINALLY an A League of Their Own reference. I was wondering how long it would take to make one!)
Adoration for A League of Their Own aside, this is not the kind of the attention that Ginny wants or needs right now. Already an outcast for bringing extra attention to the poor state of the San Diego Padres, Ginny needs the media to lay off so she can be “one of the boys.” By separating her from her team and then putting her on a pedestal, it makes it harder for her to fit in.
Despite her best efforts, like having beer with the guys, it is apparent there is still animosity towards Ginny when she boards the team bus for their series against the LA Dodgers: not a single teammate is willing to sit next to her. It is like elementary school (or Forrest Gump). Luckily she has Mike on her side and she plops her behind next to him and the two start talking shop. That is until they look up and see Al on the TV. The whole bus puts on their headphones to watch an interview from two years ago where Al says the following about Ginny:
Al: “I mean have you seen her. Easy on the eye. I’m sure a lot of the guys would love to have her in the locker room”
This is a PR disaster. The owner of the Padres already wanted to fire Al and this little incident just gives him more ammunition. But it also puts Ginny in a precarious position. If she speaks out in support of Al, it makes her look like she condones his remarks, if she speaks out against him, she isolates herself from her teammates even further. And coincidentally, if she stays silent, both will happen. To the world Al is a misogynistic asshole, but Ginny knows that sometimes he just says the wrong things. She knows that no one will see the heartfelt apology he gave to her behind closed doors so because of this, she wants to release a statement in support of her manager. However, her agent, Amelia, refuses to do for “Ginny’s own good.”
Al goes on TV to apologize for his sexist statements about Ginny. The press meeting starts off well, but once the flurry of questions regarding the state of the clubhouse come flooding in he gets flustered and exclaims, “Can we just go back to when I called Ginny pretty?” Oh, Al. Poor, poor, stupid Al. This is the final straw and the owner of the franchise officially wants Al to pack his bags.
Ginny has her own media jungle to navigate while in the City of Angels. The news story of a female athlete getting raped in a male locker room has broken and everyone wants to know what Ginny’s take on it is. But Ginny doesn’t want to make a statement, she doesn’t want to be the example for all women, she just wants to play baseball. One reporter, Rachel Patrick, tries to convince Ginny to come on air and speak about the Florida Rape case:
Rachel Patrick: Woman to woman this girl was in your exact shoes. Ginny: No one’s in my shoes. And woman to woman, screw you for putting that on me.
But what is Ginny’s responsibility to the young girls in the country? In my head, I’ve gone back and forth about the issue for days. On one hand, I can’t help but think, “With great power comes great responsibility.” She didn’t ask to be the first female pitcher, but she is. She pursued it and with that title does come responsibility. But on the other hand, she already has so much pressure on her shoulders, why she should she be subject to being a champion for women’s rights? I don’t know the answer, but I just know I don’t want to be in Ginny’s shoes.
The next obstacle in Ginny’s media jungle is the Jimmy Kimmel appearance that Amelia has set up for her. Ginny is apprehensive about going on the show, but Lawson convinces her it is the right decision. Gin-sanity is not going away anytime soon, so she might as well embrace it. And embrace it she does. When she gets on the stage she is awkward and cute and shy and amazing but when it comes time for her segment entitled “Ginny Baker Redecoraker”, Ginny’s demeanor changes. She doesn’t want to talk about redecorating tips because she doesn’t know anything about decorating, she is a baseball player. She apologizes to Jimmy if she is making this interview awkward and says:
Ginny: “Seems like I’m making a statement just by existing lately, right? So what the hell, why not make a few more?”
And then Ginny speaks her mind for the whole country to hear. First she makes a statement in support for Al. She admits he says stupid things but he has a good heart and has acknowledged that comment he made two years ago was wrong. And then she gives her opinion about the Florida Rape case ending with this powerful message:
Ginny: “We don’t need to make sure every girl goes in the right room, we need to make sure every boy knows it is wrong to rape.”
I think I need to repeat that one more time: “We don’t need to make sure every girl goes in the right room, we need to make sure every boy knows it is wrong to rape.”
This scene as a whole is so incredible and powerful. While this show is pretty progressive, it still is aired on Fox, a network not known for being particularly liberal. And then here comes a statement from a character in a prime time show stating, “it is our duty as a society to end the rape culture in this country.” On top of that, you have the way that Ginny delivers her point of view: it isn’t from a released statement primed by a PR rep, or a long essay about why it is important for women’s rights, or a response to a direct question. She is expressing herself in her own words for the country to see. And her comment does not just address the Florida Rape case. She takes it a step further and says “we need to make sure every boys know it is wrong to rape.” With that interview, Ginny Baker somehow figured out how to have it all, how to be honest to herself while still doing what she loves.
All throughout this media frenzy, Amelia is trying to deal with her own issues. She has put everything on the line for Ginny. Before Amelia went down to try to sign Ginny her life was falling apart. Immediately after learning her IVF treatment did not work, her asshole husband tells her that he is done with their marriage. Amelia was lost and unhappy at work, but then she saw Ginny on the TV and knew that she was meant to work with this girl; that they were meant for each other. Down to San Antonio Amelia went where she met Ginny and Willie, her older brother/agent. After Amelia proves to Willie that she is what Ginny needs if she wants to make it to the big leagues (by filling the stands with girls holding signs reading “I’m Next”), Amelia becomes Ginny’s new agent.
Lawson
On top of dealing with keeping his team intact during this Gin-sanity, Mike Lawson is also dealing with the mortality of his baseball career. His ex-wife (who just happens to be Rachel Patrick) is getting remarried, his body is failing him, and now he is watching his team fall apart. After witnessing yet another brawl break out in the locker room, Lawson has had enough:
Lawson: “I gave my life to this game! So I’ve got a radical idea, mooks. Hear me out here: how ‘bout we start winning in front of sold out crowds? How bout we start winning for Al and his job? How bout you start winning for your captain, too? We’re gonna shock the world and yeah, we’re gonna do it with a pretty girl in the dugout. Yeah, a pretty girl who by the way works a hell of a lot harder than you lazy losers. So maybe we all start working as hard as her.”
Blip
Oh Blip and Evelyn, how I love thee. They are so sickeningly sweet and cute together, I can’t handle it. I would watch a show just about their lives. Blip is freaking out because Evelyn accidentally washed and destroyed Blip’s lucky Grandmaster Flash concert t-shirt. But Evelyn is the best wife ever and remedies the situation. She found the exact same shirt from the exact same concert on Ebay so Blip could have his lucky charm before the game. She even placed it in a bag with her mother’s pot roast so it would have the same smell as his last shirt. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
Additional Thoughts:
That Kimmel segment “Ginny Baker Redecoraker” was absolutely ridiculous. First the title is both horribleand very difficult to say. Second why was this sexist idea ever pitched. Ginny has never shown interest in redecorating so the only reason it was proposed was because she is a girl. Here are some suggestions for segments the could have gone with:
Having Ginny make a bunch of Screwballs but instead of using vodka make it with gin
Something involving nectarines
Something that involves throwing or tossing something
Literally ANYTHING about baseball that does not include decorating tips
Is anyone else scared that something bad happened or will happen to Ginny’s brother? They seem very close, he was her agent for the beginning of her career, but he is nowhere to be seen in the pilot or anywhere but flashback.
Having Rachel Patrick be the news anchor who is hounding Ginny and Lawson’s ex seems very soapy to me. They made it seem like Ginny didn’t really know of Rachel and I just don’t buy that Ginny wouldn’t have known she was Mike’s ex.
Another year of superhero shows on The CW and that means another Superhero Fight Club, this time with double the heroes! Much like last year’s Fight Club with characters from Arrow and The Flash, this year’s Fight Club 2.0 unites all of the DC heroes from Arrow, The Flash, Supergirl, and Legends of Tomorrow to fight against Felicity and Cisco’s robotic technology. Martian Manhunter, John Diggle, and another surprise guest all make an appearance in the four-minute video.
Check it out:
The trailer doesn’t tell us much about the upcoming seasons for any of the four shows, but it does offer up some light-hearted humor we all desperately need in the dark DC Universe. It’s cheesy, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t excite me for the Team-Up episodes later on in the year.
Which DC show on The CW are you most excited for this year?
The Flash season 3 returns October 4th. Arrow season 5 returns October 5th. Supergirl season 2 returns October 10th. Legends of Tomorrow season 2 returns October 13th.
LETHAL WEAPON Season 1, Episode 2
“Surf n Turf” AIR DATE: September 28, 2016
GRADE: C+
The story in “Surf n Turf”, the second episode of FOX’s Lethal Weapon, is that Riggs and Murtaugh are so destructive to the city of Los Angeles that they’ve cost the city somewhere over $1.5 million dollars, a sum which seems relatively cheap, compared to real life, and puzzling, since they’ve ever only worked one case since they were together. They’d argue they’re a success. But, no. “Crockett and Tubbs” (their police captain’s nickname for them and shameless running pop culture joke) are assigned to “check out a noise complaint” because they just suck that much. Yes, on this show, police captains personally handle “noise complaints” in Los Angeles and assigns his two best cops to it.
Of course, this leads to a new case: a private illegal arms sale gone wrong at a palatial estate in the Hollywood Hills. How do Riggs and Murtaugh skip the noisy party full of scantily-clad beach bodies and a readily-available supply of drugs and booze? The neighbor who called them (in the middle of the afternoon, for some reason) seduces them with coffee cake. The shooting (committed by one of the gun pushers in front of about a hundred witnesses which is weird for a group we learn likes “secrecy”) leads to a shoot-out and a high-speed chase through the streets of Hollywood.
It also leads to Riggs and Murtaugh blowing the shooter up real good right in the middle of a crowded public street. It wasn’t their fault. Murtaugh wouldn’t shoot the guy because “he’s driving a Propane truck”. The perp explodes anyhow because he accidentally runs over a motorcycle, which sparks and sends the truck up in flames. How sparks can trigger an explosion from a tank safely designed towithstand sparks is beyond me, but it does. Riggs simply looks at Murtaugh and says, “And you wanted to be Spicy Salsa.” Hang on…let me go back…
That joke is a reference to “chips and salsa”, another duo which doesn’t reference famous television cop duos — but it’s a duo, so it’s funny. And by “funny”, I mean “lame and monotonous”. Seriously, here’s the actual eyeroll-inducing dialogue:
MURTAUGH: While we’re on the job, we gotta work together like “surf n’ turf”.
RIGGS: Cool. I’m “turf”.
MURTAUGH: No…you’re “surf”. You live on the beach, butt-naked.
RIGGS: This is non-negotiable, Roger.
MURTAUGH: Pineapple n’ ham…
RIGGS: That’s gross. I don’t wanna be either.
MURTAUGH: Chips n’ salsa…
(Beat)
RIGGS: Ok, I can roll with that.
MURTAUGH: Ok, I’m spicy salsa with tomatoes blended nicely on the side…
RIGGS: I think you’re “chunky” at best…
That’s before the obligatory “Tango and Cash” reference which is paired with a fine “peaches n’ cream” which devolves into a quick “Starsky & Hutch” reference.
STOP THE MADNESS!
MTV’s Scream was more subtle.
Apparently, a waitress at the party saw the shooter and left one of her shoes behind as she fled. What that lost shoe has to do with anything is anyone’s guess (the duo already ID’ed the waitress before finding her shoe) but it provides Murtaugh with the David Caruso-esque line, “Let’s find our Cinderella”, so there’s that. It turns out the waitress is preggers and fears for her life since the shooting. She also reminds Riggs of his wife. Because she’s a woman and she’s having a baby. This is how simple and maudlin this show is. So, naturally, Riggs and Murtaugh need to make sure she lives.
But the Riggs-baby-wife connection idea takes a backseat to the budding relationship between Riggs and Murtaugh which, while nice (and providing yet another fun family dinner involving Riggs), feels like an excuse to avoid a deep dive into the dark recesses of the mind of Martin Riggs. Yes, Riggs gets beat up at a seedy bar for leering at a biker’s girlfriend and he sleeps nude on the beach much to the shock of L.A’s beach bums but these moments are fleeting, half-baked and/or are tainted by goofball writing that promised so much more.
That isn’t to say the episode is a complete flop. The aforementioned bar scene (Riggs is drinking his problems away because his Texas home has been sold) is actually slightly moving: Riggs is interested in the woman eyeing him and considers removing his wedding band to hit on her (he still wears it) but stops himself because he still isn’t past his late wife. No stranger to the drink, he ends up passing out on a pool chair in Murtaugh’s backyard after the family dinner — and Murtaugh removes the beer from his hand and covers him with a flannel blanket so he can sleep warm.
These moments work — but it’s on to the next thing and we’re off to the races again. Remember the pregnant waitress? The one we don’t see her for over half the episode because the show was busy hinting at the stuff that triggered Riggs but failed to deliver? She’s still alive. And even though Riggs and Murtaugh are out-manned and out-gunned…they end up saving the day in the time it takes to microwave Instant Noodles while their captain grits his teeth and hopes his boys aren’t up to no good. And the whole time, we’re like “Holy shit, they’re cops busting perps. Doesn’t that warrant a little mayhem?”
“Surf n’ Turf” is an improvement on last week’s pilot, providing a nice 43-minute diversion for those who love their formulaic cop-dramas with nothing heavy. With shows like CSI, NCIS and Hawaii Five-0, that’s fine. With Lethal Weapon, however, it’s inexcusable, especially considering just how much material the writers have to work with. Not being a cable show hurts. Because of that, the pregnant waitress is reduced to a cheap plot device, the show’s villains are uninteresting “Scum of the Week” types and the moments that are really supposed to emotionally pop end up being doughy, uncooked misfires because the writers keep pulling punches.
Crockett and Tubbs? Tango and Cash? Starsky and Hutch? Nah…
South Park Season 20 Episode 3 – “The Damned” Original Air Date: September 26, 2016
FINALLY! After two episodes of mediocre jokes, the South Park writers finally throw some hard punches. While internet trolling is still the major plotline, it takes a back seat to the much more relevant presidential campaign.
With the presidential debate fresh in our minds, South Park stays relevant by pushing it to the forefront with how Trump/Garrison is unfit to be president. Garrison literally says that he does not know what the fuck he is doing and that he should not run the country. To go even further, he endorses Hillary. Much like real life, Hillary just cannot get out of her own way. Due to her awful campaign managers, she responds with a canned line: “My opponent is a liar and he can’t be trusted.”
I feel that many Americans feel the same way. Half the time, Hillary seems to get tripped up by her own doing. Be it the email scandal, the pneumonia fiasco, or any of the other disasters she has faced, she gets in her own way. With Garrison/Trump self-destructing, this race should be in the bag for Hillary.
But most Americans seem blind to everything Garrison/Trump says. In a rally, Garrison goes on stage to give a speech. He says things like: “I am a complete jackass and have made a giant mistake”, “I am not a good person and I am peeing my pants at the thought of becoming president”, “I have scissored with another woman while I was a woman”, “I am not the guy you want going to Russia to negotiate. I will probably get drunk and suck Putin’s dick”. The crowd just responds with cheering.
We find out that people support the giant douche because he does not speak like a politician. The message that Matt and Trey are trying to convey is that THAT IS NOT A VALID REASON TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO MIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT. That is literally the worst reason to support your candidate. Any other reason would be fine!
Randy, who was an adamant turd (Hillary) believer, ostracizes all the people who are giant douche (Trump) supporters. With time though, Randy slowly changes his ways and supports the giant douche. People seem to be flip-flopping on who they support daily. While changing your mind is completely valid, it makes no sense when one candidate is just so bad. The one thing all Americans have realized though is that everything just seems to suck now. Why do we have two candidates that are so bad? Why does the world have so many trolls? Nobody knows how to think anymore.
Political satire aside, the main plot of internet trolling is progressing nicely. Gerald continues on his trolling rampage. He has gain much notoriety but appears to have been found out. Gerald is told to meet an anonymous person and is freaking out. Meanwhile, the boys (except Eric) are fearing the wrath that they may have incurred with Eric Cartman. Butters is extremely afraid of what retribution they will be facing due to Cartman’s prior history, especially with Scott Tenorman.
What the boys do not know is that Cartman may have actually changed and now has a potential romance with Heidi Turner. After inquiring why girls don’t have balls, Heidi offers to show Cartman her vagina. Cartman exclaims, “HOLY SHIIIIIIT!!!”
Empire
Season 3, Episode 2 – “Sin That Amends” Official Air Date: September 28, 2016 Grade: B-
Okay, I have a very obvious question on my mind as we enter the second episode of Empire. Where in the hell is Rhonda’s funeral? Now, I understand that she wasn’t as particularly valued as other characters, despite how loyal she was to the Lyon family, but if she crash lands onto a car, the least a writer could do is throw in a quick funeral scene with the family in tears and Boo Boo Kitty wrecked with guilt over where this has gotten her. I really had to get that off my chest.
Okay. Back to the current situation.
“Sin That Amends” throws us right back into the cyclone which is the Lyon family and their drama. Unlike the season premiere, where every scene felt like it was trying to one up the previous scene, for the most part, the second episode plays itself nice and calm. Lucious is back to wooing Cookie, in hopes of getting in her good graces. For as much of a devilish character he portrays, there is an irresistible charm to Lucious and an authenticity that makes us feel as though he truly does care for the Cookie Monster. Despite this, his actions previously have left us wondering if his business or the love he has for Cookie comes at #1 to him.
While Anika is dealing with motherhood and all of the rules and regulations that are enforced on her within the Lyon mansion, Andre’s episodes feel like an entirely different show. The transitions are frightening and once again prove that Trai Byers and his acting chops overpower most of the talents on the soap opera. The handling of mental illness and the impact of Rhonda’s death on Andre is weighted heavily and each moment outside of this where the characters are focused on other shenanigans, almost feels like a disservice to their son.
Thankfully, we’re treated to an extended scene towards the end with the brothers coming together to support Andre through his grief, with them all acknowledging the chaos and confusion surrounding their lives.
Taye Diggs makes a bigger impression this episode as a city councilman named Angelo, who is just as pretentious and arrogant as any other character Taye Diggs has ever played. This makes for a great foil for Cookie, though by the climax it seems to be leading closer to a flirtation that may leave Lucious a bit perturbed at the very least. Angelo’s character also sparks a need in Jamal to embrace the issues he’s facing dealing with PTSD from the shooting at the hands of Freda Gatz. It’s greatly appreciated that he understands how her shooting was just a symptom of a larger issue at hand and Jamal being the patron saint of change on this show, makes him the perfect person to call this to attention.
It’s worth noting that the second episode was less focused on the music and more about returning back to the foundation of the characters and the storyline. While the involvement of producer Darkchild, responsible for hits for Destiny’s Child, Brandy and Whitney Houston, is a welcome change this time around, I hope we continue to see less music and more actual dialogue. This allows for secondary storylines such as the one involving Becky and her rapper boyfriend (long overdue for an update) to shine brightly.
At the conclusion of “Sin That Amends” we’re left with what could be perceived taking advantage of the national landscape of society right now – a police brutality incident involving Andre. Now, being fully aware that this won’t end up where it has for so many including today’s most recent, Alfred Olango in California, the scene was triggering on many levels and left a sour taste in my mouth. Hopefully, the writers understand the gravity of the situation and handle this better than they have other incidents involving Andre. Bringing reality into a soap opera can ultimately prove to be unsatisfactory especially when mishandled.
Atlanta
Season 1, Episode 5 – “Nobody Beats The Biebs” Original Air Date: September 27, 2016 Grade: B
One of the gifts that ‘Atlanta’ brings to the table is the substantive fabric underneath the humor and lightness of the Donald Glover-written script. Nothing feels forced or contrived to sell a message or catch the trends. It’s just the natural progression of characters dealing with things that are commonplace for Southern black men in the 21st century. If I had a complaint so far, it’s that in the mountains of series detailing African American life in the modern day, ‘Atlanta’ is the only that doesn’t have any type of lens from a Black woman’s point of view. Glover’s character, Earn’s baby mother, seemed to be a point of interest but five episodes in, she’s become more of a nuisance in Earn’s quest for success.
Despite this issue, the characters that are present are great at showing variations of Black men and how they all work collectively to stay afloat. In “Nobody Beats The Biebs,” Earn and Paper Boi find themselves at a celebrity basketball tournament, with Paper Boi struggling to battle against the public perception of a Black Justin Bieber-character and the asshole that is actually the Black Justin Bieber. Meanwhile, Earn is being confused for another Black guy and his recklessness.
Darius, while the quietest of the three, somehow speaks the loudest whenever he’s on the screen. This time, he finds himself in a gun range shooting dogs as his targets. Of course, this proves to be too much for the normal patrons of the gun range who seek to dismiss Darius due to the absurdity of shooting harmless canines. The irony writes itself. There’s a clear double standard and despite a bit of shaky ground ‘Atlanta’ still needs to deal with when focused on anyone who is not a Black cishetero male, the standards ring loud and clear.
Earn faces his own issues involving being confused for Alonso, something that mirrors my own conflicts with society (the reason as to why I entitled my site, DoesItLookLikeIWorkHere.com) and how they often confuse one person of color for another. Earn uses this to his advantage, basking in Alonso’s previous business partner’s snobbery until the climax unfolds and it doesn’t turn out as great as he once thought.
Meanwhile, the Black Justin Bieber serves to be the great foil to Paper Boi’s success. While he may be a hood star with the baby mommas and kids, he has yet to rise to the ranks of anyone else and the media is certainly not checking for him by any means. I love this humanization of Paper Boi and how it serves as a reminder that to some he may be a hero but to others, he’s simply just a “rapper” that needs to “play his part.”
Unfortunately, it takes Paper Boi having to literally assault the Black Justin Bieber on the court for him to realize that regardless of the truth of how much of an asshole BJB may be, he’s far ahead and playing into an entire system that allows him particular access Paper Boi may never be allotted. Regardless of how much of a good guy Paper Boi is and attempts to be continue to show to the world, rappers are crafted not by their authenticity, ironically, but by how authentic they appear to be to the audiences that support them.
The stereotypes that are used for Paper Boi and the people that live in his neighborhood are far from removed and all three of the characters have to contend with how they maneuver and use them to their advantage, unfortunately. Acknowledging this issue makes for one of the strongest episodes of this first season and I’m finally understanding why each character is indispensable.
The second episode of Agents of SHIELD, “Meet the New Boss”, is focused on the new Director of SHIELD. Before we jump into that, “Meet the New Boss” gives us more insight into the “ghost” from the premiere episode, explores how it is effecting Agent May, gives us a bro team up with Fitz and Mack, and more Skye vs. Ghost Rider action.
FitzMack
SHIELD opens on the ghost woman from the premiere episode visiting a house in Pasadena. The intro had vibes of “The Sixth Sense” with a child seeing the Ghost first. The father then sees her and is attacked. He is left seeing the blacked out face of his son, similar to how May sees Coulson at the end of the premiere episode.
Fitz is back at base researching the box that held the ghost lady. His research leads him and Mack on a mission to a facility in Pasadena. Ghost lady is already at the facility and we learn there are 5 additional ghost boxes. Ghost lady opens one of the boxes and we meet “Hugo” the ghost man. Hugo then asks “Lucy” what she did to them. By the end of the episode, 2 additional ghosts are released, “Vincent” and an unnamed ghost man. The 3 named ghosts take off with the 2 remaining ghost boxes and unnamed ghost man is left behind to blow up the building. Fitz stops the building from being blown up and is saved by Ghost Rider who appears to incinerate unnamed ghost man. R.I.P. unnamed ghost man.
The Darkhold
I consider myself a big Marvel fan, but I had to do a little research on this one. During the interaction with the ghost peeps, Lucy mentions the “Darkhold.” What I discovered is that the Darkhold is an ancient book of evil works and spells by an “Elder God” known as “Chthon.” The book has been around for billions of years. Most notably it lead to the first Vampire in the Marvel Universe. This of course brings names like Morbius and Blade to mind. With this season focusing on Ghost Rider, it makes total sense to have the bad guy being an evil, celestial God. We have no idea if Chthon will be involved in the show at all or if vampires will be introduced, but the inclusion of the Darkhold really opens up the door for some evil and freaky stuff. Good thing Halloween is just around the corner, I expect an extra creepy episode that week.
May Day
At the end of the premiere, it’s revealed that May has been affected by ghost woman (Lucy) and sees Coulson’s face turn black like a horror movie character. This is amplified through the episode as May starts seeing more and more faces turn black. She confronts the detained Chinese criminal who opened the ghost box in the premiere and was also affected. As she is speaking to him, he begins to bash his head against the glass until Simmons knocks him out. May is rapidly becoming more affected to the point where she believes everyone else in the base is “infected”.
This leads to a cool fight scene where May fights off Coulson and her full squad of agents. As May tries to leave the room, the new Director steps in to help stop her (more on that in a minute). At the end of the episode, May is in the custody of the Director who tells Coulson that he is too close to May to deal with the problem and that it would be handled. It appears that Coulson and the Director have a semi-positive relationship, but Coulson being kept from May could present a real issue between them.
The Skye is Falling
I mentioned in my review for the premiere last week that I was confused about Skye’s motivation. I would like to say that “Meet the New Boss” has cleared things up, but it hasn’t. In fact, I am even more confused as to what her plan is. Here is what we know. Skye left SHIELD, although a reason was never really given. She doesn’t have any of their tech, so when she uses her powers her arms break. SHIELD has developed a pill that helps her heal and YoYo (as seen in the premiere) is secretly meeting with her and providing her the pills. The only takeaway from her behavior is that she is truly a vigilante stopping bad guys.
In “Meet the New Boss”, she tracks Robbie Reyes (Ghost Rider) to where he works and confronts him. Her motive is that he shouldn’t be killing people. We get the whole, “I sold my soul to the devil” story again. Skye then threatens Robbie’s brother, Gabe, which you can imagine doesn’t go well. Robbie’s eyes go red and whatever he’s holding he can light on fire. While the rules of Ghost Rider in the MCU aren’t known, it appears that he can control the power to a certain degree as long as he doesn’t transform. If he does transform, the assumption is that he is no longer in control and Ghost Rider is.
After a small fight and a lot of non-informative talking, Robbie rushes off to save Fitz and incinerate the ghost, as mentioned earlier. The episode ends for these two as Robbie pulls up to Skye and says that he thinks the Ghosts are after him. Skye gets in the car and they rides off into the sunset.
The only decent moment we get with Skye is near the end, on board the Quinjet, as Mack bandages up her arms. There is a very emotional exchange between Skye, Fitz, and Mack about why she left and why she isn’t coming back and how that decision, either way, still affects the team. It gives me some hope that Skye won’t be a complete waste this season, but so far her story-line is a dud!
Meet the New Boss
Finally, the episode features three key scenes giving us some really good insight into who the new Director is. The first scene is a sit down with Coulson and May. Coulson refers to the Director as “Jeff” (or possibly “Geoff”) which could hint to his identity, more on that in a minute. The conversation the Director has with Coulson and May revolves around PR for relaunching SHIELD. He is afraid that a former agent, in this case Skye, could create very bad “optics” for the SHIELD relaunch campaign.
The second scene with the Director is, without a doubt, the biggest twist in the episode. During the scene where May is attacking Coulson and her squad, she turns to leave and runs into the Director. She then hits him and he doesn’t flinch. May calls him a “Monster” to which he replies, “I prefer the word, Inhuman”. The Director then picks up May, one headed, and smashes her into a brick column, knocking her unconscious. So that’s your twist, the new Director is an Inhuman.
The final scene, which I mentioned briefly above, is a scene between the Director and Coulson. It contains several good bits of information. First we learn that Phil chose to step down from being Director. Coulson didn’t want to be the “face” of SHIELD anymore. The Director said, after Captain America went AWOL, that Coulson wanted a “hero” and Phil responds that he wanted, “A powered person that the public could trust…and they came up with you.” This clearly means that Jeff wasn’t Phil’s choice. Jeff then tells Phil that he is a top adviser but when it comes to May and Daisy, he can’t be “objective.” He then tells Coulson that what he has planned for May is, “classified.” Thus, the Coulson vs. Inhuman Director story-line was born.
There is a lot of talk about who the director is and I have my own theories. For me, there are two prime candidates. First, Jeff Jordan, also known as Captain Wonder. Besides them sharing the same name, Jeff also has enhanced strength. The trouble with Captain Wonder is that he was a Golden Age character and originally fought in World War II. He also invented a drug that gave him the strength of 12 men, so he is not an Inhuman as it appears that the Director is. The second choice would be Alaris, an Inhuman with super strength and abilities. Alaris appears human in form, much like Daisy. Alaris also doesn’t ever have an earth name, so Jeff could still work. He is, obviously, an Inhuman which fits. My honest opinion is that the word “Inhuman” has a different meaning now in the MCU. This is a theory, but I think the “Inhuman” project failed both in Comics and TV/Film. So I believe they are going to now use that word for all powered people, much like The Flash calls them “Metahumans”. If that is the case, I believe the new Director to be Jeff Jordan, former war hero, who the public trusts, who has superhuman strength so therefore, is technically, in-human. Of course, knowing my record in Vegas, I’m sure he is someone else entirely.
Final Thoughts
Agents of SHIELD has not started very strong. Two episodes in, Skye is all but pointless, May appears to have been taken off the board for an unknown amount of time, and FitzSimmons has been all but anti-climactic after the build up to their relationship last year. In fact, Simmons has had nothing to do at all in the first two episodes. Ghost Rider still has me intrigued, but I need to know more and I need to know soon. As it stands, SHIELD has a long way to go to keep fans engaged. The good news though, is that there are some good story threads in there to be pulled on.
VAN HELSING -- "Help Me" Episode 101 -- Pictured: Vincent Gale as Flesh -- (Photo by: Dan Power/Helsing S1 Productions/Syfy)
Spoilers through Season 1, Episode 2 of Van Helsing
Syfy’s newest original show Van Helsing is a modern day story of Vanessa Van Helsing, (descendant of vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing) and she’s no damsel in distress. This retelling is set in post-apocalyptic Seattle, where the eruption of a super volcano in Wyoming creates an ashen hell on earth, allowing for creatures of the night to rise to the top of the food chain.
When we first meet Vanessa (Kelly Overton), she’s in a coma and is being protected in some kind of facility by a single marine named Axel (Jonathan Scarfe) with only a vampire (who had been a doctor) for company. Things quickly escalate though when a group of survivors come knocking at Axel’s door looking for sanctuary since the streets are crawling with feeder vampires. Against his better judgment he lets them inside as one of them was a fellow marine who had been on the same mission to protect Vanessa.
That night all hell breaks lose as somehow the vampires manage to get inside the facility and they target Vanessa’s unconscious body. But here’s when the episode starts to get interesting because as soon as one of the vamps bites her and drinks her blood, it begins to have a adverse affect. The creature begins to convulse and throws up blood. Vanessa however finally wakes up and proceeds to take down all her assailants. Acting on pure instinct she claws and stabs one of them viciously and I can’t help but wonder where this ferocity came from.
In the aftermath, poor Vanessa has no idea what’s happened to her, where she is, or what’s become of her daughter Dylan. She also has no knowledge of the apocalyptic events that have transpired while she’s been out of commission. Her main goal at this point is to get out of there and find her kid. Ted (Ted Guinee), other marine, attempts to befriend her and promises to help her get out of the facility, but he turns out to have a nefarious agenda. Axel confronts him and claims that he’s the only person who would know where the real code would be hidden to unlock the door (he gave them all a fake code to begin with) and so he must have allowed the vamps in. Ted finally admits this and angrily says that Axel didn’t understand what it was like outside and what had been done to him. Apparently he promised the creatures Vanessa and he chases after her to the rooftop.
Outside, she finally gets a reality check on how changed the world is as she gazes upon a city that looks more like a war zone. A few moments later she’s accosted by Ted who claims that he needs to take her to the vampires. Vanessa displays more of her uncanny fighting abilities and singlehandedly kills her would be kidnapper easily as Axel, Sam (Christopher Heyerdahl) and Mohamad (Trezzo Mahoro) stand on the sidelines ready in case she needs them. Gentlemen, she can take care of herself.
What makes Van Helsing different from vampire television shows and films is that Vanessa’s blood has the ability to revert vampires back into humans again and she seems to have accelerated healing abilities much like the Wolverine. The creature who bit her at the beginning of the episode crawls his way back from the shoot Axel dumped the other dead vamp bodies and when the protective UV lights kick in, he isn’t burned by them. When the group comes upon him, he explains that once he drank Vanessa’s blood he could feel again, claiming that she had cured him.
In the second episode of the season premiere, we flashback to a time before the Rising and see how our heroine ended up in her current predicament. Vanessa was a single mom selling her blood on the down low to hospitals for some extra money. She lived with her preteen daughter Dylan, while the father of her child was in Denver. Right away we are shown that dad was neglectful of his responsibilities and was a source of constant disappointment for the two women.
We also meet the main villains of the show in the form of two eastern European vampires named Dmitri (Paul Johansson) and Rebecca (Laura Mennel). Unlike the feeders we’ve already met, these two still retain their minds and aren’t solely driven by their need to feed. Instead they plot to take over the world of course. When one of their goons ingests Vanessa’s blood and gets reverted back into a human by accident, the duo have a minor freak out, realizing how she could undo all of their work. So they task another minion to find and kill her.
Said minion finds Vanessa and attacks her, but of course she doesn’t take that lightly and fights back. But the supernatural creature manages to severely wound her (while also drinking her blood) to the point where it seems that she’s died, leaving her poor Dylan alone. She is taken to a local Seattle hospital where a perplexed doctor can’t figure out why her body is still warm and sees no wounds that could have been the cause of death. The Doc contacts her sister who works for the government and gets some mysterious info of some kind of epidemic happening. Soon after a squad of marines appear at the hospital to take possession of Vanessa when the super volcano erupts in Wisconsin, plunging the world in ash and flames. More importantly however the vampires appear to deploy some kind of surge attack causing chaos and mayhem in the streets. Everyone and their mamma are getting bitten and infected, leaving Axel and a few other marines to guard the comatose woman and the Doc while the others go and get additional support.
Except we know of course that no one comes. When Ted takes the two remaining marines to try and hike 40 miles on foot to their base, all goes awry and the Doc gets bitten by one of the vamps then becoming one herself. But hey now they should feed her Vanessa’s blood so that she can revert back to being human.
While current pop culture seems to have gotten vampires out of their system for the moment after the Twilight series, Van Helsing does put an interesting spin on the genre by making this particular incarnation of the vampire hunter also the cure for the virus. She is their natural counter balance and is the beast that will prey on them. Hopefully the show will explain what makes her blood so special and how she has this crazy healing ability. My question is whether her daughter Dylan has it as well also being a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing, or does it have to somehow get activated?
The show’s villains are also fairly lukewarm at the moment, but I am curious to know the different types of vampires and their hierarchy. Clearly Dmitri and Rebecca are stronger and Dmitri in particular is the alpha who controls the less cognitive horde. Could Dmitri also actually be Dracula and he’s just going by a different name right now? Or perhaps he is related to the famous vamp?
Van Helsing joins the ranks of strong female-centric leads on Syfy including 12 Monkeys, Wynonna Earp, Killjoys, and The Magicians. It’s refreshing to see that the network decided to feature a female vampire hunter, as the most recent incarnation of the character was in NBC’s Dracula with Thomas Kretschmann in the role. In addition, most vampire narratives have the hero’s (usually male) main plot point surround rescuing a damsel in distress from the clutches of the evil creature. This time around, audiences are treated to a different perspective namely of a mother looking to find and protect her child. In addition she isn’t a helpless female and able to even fight better than her male companions.
This modern retelling of Bram Stoker’s Dracula is by no means perfect, but it’s definitely promising. If the series brings us complicated character driven storylines, it could be the beautiful melding of The Walking Dead and Buffy The Vampire Slayer that we sorely need on television.
Well, kiddos, here we are at Week Two of Season # 457, or something of Dancing With the Stars. Len is already getting crabby, the tears are flowing from members of the cast, and Tom Bergeron is running out of nifty-colored ties. (although I really like this purple one.) This was TV THEME SONG WEEK, and for reasons unknown to anyone, the show has gone back to their 2-show per week format, with a 2-hour performance show on Monday, and then a 2-hour elimination / results show on Tuesday. Why the need to put people through this insanity is beyond me. The eliminations happen in the last 5 minutes of Tuesday night’s show – the rest of it is nothing but clips, stuff we already saw Monday, and other time-killing nonsense. Yes, sometimes there is a great pro-dance number thrown in there as well, such as this week with the reunion of Cheryl, Derek, and Maks dancing together – but those moments are rare. Like a good mood night for Len. Let’s get started ….
MARCIA BRADY AND ARTEM :
Well,they danced to the theme from “The Brady Bunch.” Of course. Florence Henderson made a short cameo at the beginning as Carol Brady, saying “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”, which made no sense, since it was JAN who said that famous line on the show, not Carol. But whatever. This dance was incredibly cheesy with bopping heads on a couch, and lots of other silliness. It was a Quickstep, and Horny Carrie Ann enjoyed it, saying she had more confidence and ease this week. Scores for the dance were 7/6/6/7. Scores for Maureen’s creepy neck wrinkles that are nowhere else on her body, were negative 2.
JANA AND STUPID NAME GLEB:
I supposed if you’re THAT attractive and hot to look at, you gotta have SOMETHING lame about you, right? Otherwise, it’s just unfair. So, pro-dancer Gleb got stuck with the dumb name Gleb. But who cares, because he is a specimen of beauty. They did the Tango, to the theme from “One Tree Hill.” She tore a rib muscle in rehearsals, and was in massive pain. He was shirtless, with only a wide open vest over his chest. Yum. Did I mention he was shirtless? Some sort of dancing happened here. I can’t recall. Because he was shirtless. Bruno made weird and oddly sexual comments, while stretching his leg into the air in front of him. Len said the dance worked for him. Scores were 7/8/7/7. Gleb’s name received a 1.5, and his chest and beautiful face received lots of staring from creepy girls like me.
BORING POLITICIAN AND EMMA:
The Quickstep. To the theme from “Green Acres.” Oh man is this guy boring. Rick Perry is all things cheesy. And such a dork. He counts each step and moves his lips and sings the songs while dancing, or opens his mouth wide like Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. For some reason, this dance seemed to go on and on and on. Was this the extended remix version? When their odd dance was finally over, he skipped (literally) over to his wife in the crowd, and kissed her. She looked like she was embarrassed to be alive. Bruno’s comment about the dance was hilarious. “It was like a bad cold – you can’t get rid of it!” The audience booed him, but I laughed heartily. Horny Carrie Ann said something about it being “perky and efficient”. Um, no comment. Scores were 6/5/6/5.
CALVIN AND LINDSAY:
They did a Foxtrot to the theme from “Family Matters.” He played the tallest Urkle of all time. Giant Urkle. The dance was cute, and he continues to move well. Julianne said “there is an unexpected spark about you!” Len said the dance made him happy. Also, Bingo Night back at the home makes him happy. And Jello! Backstage with Erin Andrews, the real Urkle was waiting to hug Calvin and give him props. They all had a good laugh and pretended to become fast friends. Scores were 7/7/7/7.
AMBER AND MAKS:
They did the Viennese Waltz to theme from “Game of Thrones.” There was a lot of fire surrounding them onstage, and all I could think was: “WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRE!!! YOU’RE GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE!!!!”, every time they turned a corner. I really thought they would ignite and burst into flames. Len said he would have liked more waltzing, to which Maks replied: “and I would have liked to have worn a shirt.” To which Bruno replied: “Keep it off!” To which Bergeron replied: “Alright Bruno, calm down.” Classic. Scores were not as classic, at 6/6/6/6.
JAKE AND JENNA:
They danced to his show, called “Go Diego Go.” I still have no clue what that is, or who he is. Anyhoo, they did the Cha-cha, and had a very strange jungle theme. Maybe that’s what his show is about. I wouldn’t know. But the dance was so bizarre. I felt like I was on an acid trip watching it. No clue what was happening or why. It also felt very rushed. Carrie Ann agreed, telling Jake: “Slow down. You’re ahead of the music.” Len also told him to keep the beat and not rush, and as he spoke, it looked as if his dentures had fallen out, or if he had no teeth at all. His speech was very odd, like he had some Quaker Oats stuck in his gums. Scores were 6/6/6/6, and Len needs new teeth.
VANILLA ICE AND WITNEY:
Not sure why, but Vanilla Ice seems like a cool dude. Just a really genuine guy. Who calls himself Vanilla Ice. They did the theme from “Married With Children”, which is a great Sinatra song, and they did the Foxtrot. They were supposed to be The Bundys, but for some reason, they made him look more like Frankenstein. What the f$*k did they do to this poor man’s hair? Like Rick Perry, Ice is another serial lipsyncer, and it is a bit distracting. Carrie Ann scolded him and told him not to mouth the song lyrics. Then she said something about the size of his hands – that woman is obsessed with people’s hands. Every other comment with her is something about someone’s hands being small or big or something. Enough with the hands already. Scores were 6/7/6/7, and Ice’s hands got a 2.
TERRA AND SASHA:
Hey, did you guys know there is a Little Person on the show this season? Because they only pointed it out about 400 times last week, and again this week. So, the Quickstep was their dance, to the theme from “Bewitched.” It was quite good, and everyone enjoyed it. After the dance ended, Tom Bergeron asked Sasha: “So, there were two Dicks on that show. Which one were you?” To which Sasha replied that he was really more of a “universal dick.” Bergeron’s face was priceless. Julianne thought that dance was made for Terra, and Len said she sparkled tonight. Scores were 8/7/8/8.
BABYFACE AND ALLISON:
They danced to the theme from “The X-Files”, and did the Argentine Tango. The song is weird, they had lasers everywhere, which made me dizzy to watch them. Very good chemistry between them, however. Bruno said there was a sensuality bubbling under the surface, and Horny Carrie Ann called it “yummy.” Scores were 8/7/7/8.
LAURIE AND VAL:
They did the Jive to the theme from “Ducktales”. In rehearsals, upon finding out this was their song, Laurie asked innocently: “What’s Ducktails?” Despite not knowing anything about it, they delivered an adorably sweet and fast dance. Len said it was full of “snap, crackle, and pop.” Unlike his bladder. Julianne called Laurie “Disney’s Beyonce.” Meanwhile, from home, Beyonce gave a stare of death at her TV while proclaiming: “NOBODY is like Beyonce, except Beyonce. YOU FEEL ME??????????????” Scores were 8/8/8/8.
JAMES AND SHARNA:
Danced the Pasa Doble to theme from “The Walking Dead.” Zombies everywhere. Len said the dance got lost in all the production – “too many zombies about.” Um, THE SHOW IS ABOUT ZOMBIES!!!! Take your meds early tonight and go to bed, Len. You’re losing it. Scores were 7/7/7/8, and Len fell asleep on the judges table.
MARILU AND DEREK:
Foxtrot to the theme from the classic sitcom “Taxi”, in which Marilu starred. Derek had no clue what to do with this music, as it’s a simple but lovely instrumental, but what he came up with was sweet and appropriate and quite lovely. Judges loved it, and Carrie Ann thought is was great to see what a beautiful dancer Marilu is. Len said the car might be a taxi, but the dance was a Rolls Royce. Scores were 7/8/7/7.
RYAN AND CHERYL:
They did the Quickstep to the theme from “The Muppet Show.” But before that, we had to suffer through endless clips about what a poor victim Lochte is, and how awful it was for him to see his mom crying in the audience last week after the protest happened live on the show unexpectedly. Then we had to watch the clips of the protest itself, and see what they didn’t show us on air last week. Now, I don’t want to see anyone get hurt, and this kind of protest is sort of pointless in the end, but what did he expect really? You act like an idiot and then you are rewarded for it by being put on a very popular national TV show, some people are going to be upset. There will be backlash for that. Take it like a man. After all that hoopla, then we got reminded of Lochte’s water-logged brain as well, with this brilliant exchange:
Cheryl: So we have the Muppets this week. Who is your favorite Muppet?
Ryan: Um, I guess the green dude. I like the green dude.
Oh Lord in Heaven, please help this man to know that the green dude is NAMED KERMIT, you dolt!!!! Who doesn’t know Kermit’s name, for Christ’s sake??? In any case, their routine was fun and lighthearted, but with lots of mistakes. Julianne: “There were so many mistakes, but the concept was brilliant.” Carrie Ann appreciated the joy he brought to the ballroom. Scores were 6/6/6/6, and the green dude and the pig lady were happy with that. (they played the roles of Kermit and Piggy.)
ELIMINATION :
So, the bottom two couples were Cheryl and Ryan, and Jake and Jenna.
Jake and Jenna went home.
I still don’t know who he is.
NEXT WEEK:
When Ryan Lochte is asked who his favorite Smurf is, he says: “The blue dude. I like the blue one.”
Len awakens from a nap in mid-show.
Brooke Burke Charvey changes some lines on Erin Andrew’s cue cards, and then giggles all the way home.
In a game like Dungeons & Dragons, imagination is key. On the fly, you have to be able to decide how best to stop a band of slavers after you’ve been tossed in a dungeon naked, all the while actually sitting around you dining room table with four of your friends. Sometimes it’s difficult to imagine you’re actually shooting a fireball at a %&$#ing Mimic when Carl won’t stop playing Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” next to you.
That’s where Elderwood Academy comes in. While they can’t stop Carl from being obnoxious, they do have an array of accessories to help make your game night a more immersive, and cool, experience. Besides, if you show up with one of their goodies, I’m pretty sure you’ll make Carl envious, and is that all we want in life: to make Carl miserable?
Elderwood Academy has three main products they offer: Hex Chests (storage for your dice), Spell Books (to hold Magic: the Gathering decks or other necessities that can be customized with foam inserts), and the Scroll and Codex, which is currently on Kickstarter.
I had a chance to sit down with the guys behind Elderwood Academy, Dan Reiss and Quentin Weir, to make sure they were as nerdy as their finely crafted collectibles suggested.
Sooo…how did you two meet? Tell us about this whirlwind romance of yours.
Q: We met through a mutual friend, Allison, who knew that we both liked to play games, so she invited us over to play games together. And we ended up playing Dominion and Settlers of Catan, stuff like that, until we got to, well, where we are right now.
D: From my perspective, Allison was like, “Oh, I’ve got this friend, he makes board games, he’s super fun!” I then roped Quentin into a project after I learned that he builds robots and cool engineering stuff. After that, we started Elderwood.
Robots?! That’s amazing! Why are we wasting our time with D&D accessories when you could make us the Star Wars chess game with robots! They could fight to the death…
Q: (Hesitantly) In theory…
(Quentin didn’t seem on board with my idea, probably because he’d be doing all the work, but Dan was appropriately enthusiastic.)
D: One project led to another and then we just started goofing around with ideas; one of those ideas turned into Hex Chests. After it was put on Reddit we were like, “Alright, let’s do this. This looks fun!” And that was it. Right around the end of the Hex Chests Kickstarter, we decided we needed to commit to this thing. After a couple thousands of those chests, it wasn’t a goofy, “just for fun” project anymore. It was real.
And thus, Elderwood Academy was born.
Q: A lot of the stuff we’ve built is all stuff that we enjoy playing with. Whenever we pitch ideas, the core thing is: is that something I want to have? Is that something I want to bring to my gaming table? Hex Chests was the initial project and then I pitched Dan the idea behind the Spell Book, a gaming box with bound leather; he loved it and we just started building them. We had a lot of fun with it.
Q: With the Scroll and Codex project, it was partly made from things we had learned from Kickstarter in terms of building the actual Spell Books. We wanted something that felt more like a transformer, where you got to be building things. The idea of a portable, unrollable scroll was really cool and after we built one we were like, “Well, now we have to put it in something.” And then we had the codex which turned into a dice tower, which was fun and also transformable. I’m excited to make these for people because I think it’ll bring a nice amount of immersion to the gaming table.
WE PAUSE FOR A WORD FROM OUR JEN SPONSORS
At this point in the interview, they demoed the scroll and codex, which you can see more of in the Kickstarter video, but ladies and gents, this thing is legit. When the magnetic top unsnaps, it makes this ridiculously satisfying popping sound. Everything about the Scroll and Codex looks like quality construction. Solid wood with a leather base for the scroll, and the codex has wood running the length of the product, wrapped in leather around the middle. According to Dan, it’s strong enough to withstand being tossed in a backpack, which is a huge perk for me since I have a habit of wrecking things in my bags. Dan also mentioned that others have put the Spell Book and Hex Chest through the gamut of tests, even sitting a 45lb weight on top of the Book to see if it would hold up. Spoiler alert: it did.
BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
Let’s take a break from all this building discussion and talk real nerdy. Do you have any good D&D stories?
D: In general, I love playing the lovable idiot. I find it really liberating to be as dumb as possible, so all my favorite moments in D&D are when my hero is completely clueless. One of my favorite moments was during a showdown with the “big bad.”We approached him and he was like, “I’m actually not that bad” and we were like, “Oh, okay. Let’s just leave him alone then.” AND THAT WAS THE END OF THE CAMPAIGN.
Q: So, uhm, I actually don’t play D&D; I haven’t played since middle school. But I do play a lot of Magic: The Gathering, so I’ve been kind of sore that all of our products continue to be D&D-related and not M:tG stuff. I tried so damn hard to get Spell Books to be M:tG deck cases, but by a HUGE majority, people bought them with the rolling tray option for D&D. Only a small amount of fans bought the M:tG deck option and I was like, “Darn it!”
So I know that you guys are just starting your Kickstarter campaign for Scroll and Codex, but what can you tease about the future?
D: So when we started, we only had like four ideas and we’ve made all those, so at this point, I think we’ll just close down shop.
Oh. Well, this is awkward.
D: I’m kidding, of course. People pitch us ideas all the time and at any given moment we’re probably pondering eleven different ideas between us. Once we narrow those down and we’re both excited to make something, that’s when we decide to move forward with it.
I mean, that’s fine but you could just do a Flash Sale and that’s it! Wash your hands of this hard labor nonsense.
D: Yea, we really wanted to start a heavy PR push right before closing down.
Q: That’ll get us a boost in those Kickstarter sales.
You mentioned before that the two of you bonded over Settlers of Catan, so with your woodworking skills would you ever consider making a custom Settlers board?
(They both laugh and at this point they pull out their sentimental “first project” which was a Settlers board prototype: two solid pieces of wood with hexagons carved out for the tiles and underneath are holes for all the game’s pieces.)
That…that is amazing. Can you make those? Can I buy that?
Q: We made this just before we started Hex Chests and once the Chests took off it kind of took a back seat to other projects. We’ve gotten a lot better with making things, at least, I think we have, so a Settlers board might actually be a more reasonable project for us now as opposed to say, two years ago. That’s an interesting question. We’ll have to revisit that idea.
One more question so you guys can back to your busy day: what do you want us to know about Elderwood Academy and the things you make?
D: I think the takeaway is that Quentin and I really just want people to be happy. That’s our number one, two, and three bottom line. When we tried to put a mission statement together, that was about as far as we got: happy. All we’re doing is trying to make what we think are nice things. If people agree with us and think the things we make are nice, we want them to show up to the party and hang out with us. We think we make quality items and we guarantee everything we make, so we just want to make sure people are happy with what they’ve ordered.
Elderwood Academy has managed to take D&D accessories and turned them into stunning collectibles that is sure to make all of your gamer friends jealous. Check out Elderwood Academy’s website for more information on their products. Everything they make can be customized to your liking, from patterns to the type of wood, and so on. Also make sure you stop by their Scroll and Codex Kickstarter. And if you see them around on Twitter or anything, say hi, because they’re both really nice guys just making things they love.
Season 3, Episode 1 Original Air Date: September 22, 2016 Grade: A
“We’re good people now,” the always-fierce Annalise Keating states to her long time students after they express their concerns about someone tagging her as a “killer” on campus. Not only does this quote serve as the episode’s title but the theme of the season in many ways. The focus has derived from trying to get away from the consequences of the all mistakes made in the past two seasons to focusing on moving forward after the amount of turbulence of last season.
Sure, Wes now has to contend with watching the father he just met in front of him die, but that drama is wrapped up pretty quick and fast forwarded to four months later, where he has a new girlfriend and has managed to confide in Annalise, screaming with her in the middle of the woods as a form of release. This mirrors my own way of solving stressful times and I can assure you that it probably helped both of them.
The fast forward has now left Frank on the run, with a whole new look and Annalise looking to find him due to all of the secrets that are stored in that head of his. The absence of the Frank actually somehow makes Laurel more interesting as she struggles with how to move forward herself from their failed relationship and her apparent interest in Wes. It’s amazing to see that finally all of the Keating 5 seem to have their own interesting quirks and traits. No longer does anyone feel like a waste of space.
Annalise has now transitioned her class into the students becoming pro bono lawyers, taking on actual cases and shaking things up by making it more competitive based on the student’s knowledge of cases and expertise in crafting a plausible argument to dismiss guilt on the clients they take. This is a really good tactic because it introduces new students who serve to thwart Keating 5’s plans of being her favorite. Of course, with all the drama that reigned last season, Keating 5’s grades have slipped leading to the administration to pull back on Annalise’s objectives for this school season and Keating 5 to be looked at as less of a threat and just a mere presence due to Annalise’s favoritism.
The discoveries of this episode and what probably will continue as the previous seasons have done, is in the flashbacks. Flashbacks that theorize that Frank was responsible for Wes’s dad’s death due to Frank’s vengeful support of Annalise after the drama surrounding Annalise’s miscarriage. While an interesting theory, there may be more to this and with Frank not actually pulling the trigger, there’s still the matter of finding out who the killer is and also who the trickster is posting photos of Annalise with “killer” scrawled across them around campus.
But that may not be the thought on audiences’s minds after the final scene. Proving that How To Get Away With Murder is quite aware of its strengths, the ending treats us to Annalise fighting through police to run to a stretcher and being emotionally crippled with the image of someone who she cares for deeply dead, while her house is on fire. Who is it? Of course, we won’t know until the season finale. But it serves as a reminder of just how much Murder writers delight in providing us with just enough details to keep us on the edge of our seats.
Season 3, Episode 1 Original Air Date: September 21st, 2016 Grade: B
After a hell of a cliffhanger, everyone’s favorite hip-hopera, Empire has returned to give us all constant heart-attacks once again. One of the constants that keeps me from not slamming my head with the remote every time Jamal sings, Lucious schemes or Hakeem raps is of course, Cookie. While this wasn’t a Cookie-centric episode, it certainly was great to see her shine and sass once again. She’s the glue that holds the family together or at least attempts to and judging from Season 3’s premiere, “Light In Darkness,” she’s needed more than ever.
We left off with Anika and Lucious jumping the broom, despite the appropiately-nicknamed, Boo Boo Kitty (just learning this originated from the classic Laverne & Shirley’s stuffed feline), carrying Lucious’s grandchild, Hakeem’s first born. Clearly, a decision made solely for the benefit of Lucious and his impending court case rather than love, Anika is now officially a member of the family and has moved into the mansion. Not a wise decision seeing as though Lucious’s crazy ass mother, who probably killed somebody back in the day.
But the big bang (literally) was us discovering who would die in the fight between Rhonda and Anika. As much as I hoped Rhonda would hang on to the ledge and see another day, I guess all good things come to an end. Rhonda slammed right onto a car and just to confirm her death for everyone, blood slowly dripped from her lips, a brutal way for a loyal, positive character to die. This just adds to my theory that nobody who is actually good and a “hero” of sorts manages to have staying power on this series.
While Rhonda is totaling someone’s car with her dead body, her husband, Andre, has somehow managed to choke Boo Boo Kitty to the point where her water breaks. So in the first 10 minutes, we’re treated to not only a death but a birth. The baby’s name is Bella, by the way, and though Hakeem may be the father, Lucious being Lucious forces his way in, signing the birth certificate and telling Baby Lyon that until he proves himself to actually be a father.
For some strange reason, as protective of Anika as her parents were, they were absent from this episode and Bella’s birth. Very odd.
This premiere featured enough celebrity cameos to make your head spin. Xzibit, Birdman and French Montana all participate in adding a little fear and competition in Lucious’s heart. Xzibit, who I honestly haven’t seen since Pimp My Ride, continues his stint as Shyne, an Empire rival, attempting to push his new artist, Nessa (played by Daddy’s Little Girls actress, Sierra McClain) onto Empire. Unfortunately, Lucious is hard of hearing and refuses to acknowledge Nessa as a legitimate artist much to the dissatisfaction of Shyne. During this whole dramatic scene that concludes with a producer being slammed with a keyboard, Hakeem and Shyne seem to be developing a close relationship that may signal another split in the family dynamic.
During this whole time of Hakeem pouting, Cookie and Lucious trying to operate in a space of business and not love, Jamal rebelling from the Empire X streaming app launch agenda, Andre is on his last leg. I’d be remiss to say that not only has he lost a wife now but his child from last season and with everyone so focused on their own drama, it’s sad nobody seems to be really concerned with what may happen to Andre.
We’re treated to a return of Cookie’s sisters who managed to re-introduce Tariq’s character who probably delivered the most honest drag of the entire series, followed by a classic Cookie retort: “You want a to-go plate?”
Our favorite goat (and I don’t mean Greatest of All Time), Jamal managed to keep a low profile until the climax. His decision to sing a political song turned out to somehow trigger a panic attack due to a memory of Freda shooting him last season (because of all times, why not now), which leads to Nessa getting her chance to shine and Lucious, a shot at losing.
By the conclusion, Rhonda is back in ghost-form to haunt and guilt Andre, because you know the good on Empire get punished, Lucious is grooming his newborn grandchild/step-daughter, Cookie is finally gaining some common sense and I’m so exhausted by the amount of chaos and drama happening in the last hour that I wanted Xzibit to hit me with a keyboard too. I guess all in all that makes for an awesome season premiere.
Pitch Season 1, Episode 1: “Pilot” Thursday, September 22, 2016
Spoilers through Pitch Season 1, Episode 1: “Pilot”
Watching the series premiere of Pitch had me experiencing a whole spectrum of emotions. I got chills, I held my breath in anticipation and out of anxiety, and tears filled my eyes during the touching and heartwarming scenes. Hands down, Pitch has one of the best pilots I’ve ever seen.
Pitch tells the story of Ginny Baker, the first female to play in a major sports league. Ginny is preparing to pitch her first game in Major League Baseball for the San Diego Padres. She also happens to be the starting pitcher.
The entire nation has their eyes on Ginny – half of whom consist of sexist naysayers who are just waiting for her to fail and pounce on any mistake she makes. The other half are people waiting for her to break that glass ceiling and prove that a woman can survive the insurmountable barriers and prove to be just as good, if not better.
And as with every major story in America, the media is having a field day with this one. On the way to the stadium, a male newscaster exclaims that Ginny being called up to the big leagues is the biggest story since OJ, but he “hopes this one has a happier ending.” What a horribly weird thing to say! You are going to compare this to OJ?
This is followed by a female newscaster saying that anyone who says that she was only called up because she is a woman is “a backwards thinking, backward cap wearing, male pattern baldness hiding man. So bitch and moan all you want gentlemen but tonight a girl is gonna be the lead sports story in the world. And if that upsets you, well, maybe you’re just getting your period.” What an amazing fucking quote. I played that over multiple times and reveled in the glory of it. I want to get that quote framed and hang it in my living room.
One thing that I really like about Pitch is their use of sports and news commentators throughout. It allows viewers to see both sides of the argument in a way we would see it in the real world instead of coming across as exposition.
And just as you would expect, when Ginny walks into the Padres locker room she is greeted with a warm welcome and the same words of encouragement all teams give the rookies who hold the fate of the game in their hands.
JUST KIDDING! This is ‘Merica, guys!
Ginny gets a very cold welcome when she meets that team. Luckily there is one friendly face in the locker room, her old teammate and friend Blip Sanders (Mo McRae), who whole-heartedly has her back. Ginny is then led to her own private locker room (aka a storage closet) where she is given her jersey, number 43, one up from Jackie.
During warm-ups Ginny finally meets the scruffy, somewhat charmingly egotistical star catcher Mike Lawson (Mark-Paul Gosselaar). Ginny gives him a mouthful after he slaps her ass, but Lawson is having none of it. He tells her that he is an ass-slapper. Period. He slaps the gross pimply asses of all his teammates and if she wants to be on this team she will have to deal with him slapping her cute petite ass. These words of encouragement from the team captain finally make Ginny feel like she is part of the team. But later, as she is getting ready in her makeshift locker room she hears Lawson and the boys making fun of her from above.
It appears as though hearing the boys talk shit about her would light an even hotter fire under Ginny’s ass, and that she would thrive on proving them wrong, but when she gets to the mound nothing goes as she has planned. She throws ball after ball and wild pitch after wild pitch. It is uncomfortable to watch and everyone knows it. Some are heartbroken, some are mad, and some rejoice. After giving up a run due to another wild pitch she tells Lawson and the manager to take her out. As Ginny leaves the field, she sees her father looking back at her from the stands.
Ginny’s father, Bill, has has been the driving force in her becoming a major league pitcher. He wasn’t able to make it to the majors but god help him, one of his children will. After failing to get his son to show any interest in baseball, he noticed that Ginny had a pretty damn good arm.
Bill brings her to try out for the boys team, and won’t let the coach turn them away. Ginny is excited she got on the team but her father is not satisfied. There is a long road ahead for them. He sits her down and teaches her to throw a screwball by practicing on nectarines. Bill makes her pitch until she gets a strike even when she is tired.
One night when Ginny is beat and just wants to go inside for dinner, Bill refuses to let her go. Instead, her father decides to give her some motivation by punching her brother implying he would continue to do so if she didn’t throw a strike. When the next pitch she threw ends up being a strike her father responds with, “See you can do it when you have to.”
That night, after Ginny’s disastrous first game, her father comes to talk to her, but she isn’t in the mood. She yells at him, blaming him for putting her in this situation. Her whole life is baseball, she has no friends, no life, she is just what he created. She screams at him saying it wasn’t right what he did to her, that she was just a little girl. Her father doesn’t flinch and once she finishes her rant, he tells her to get her glove and they head down to the field to throw some more pitches.
Even though Ginny faltered at her first time as a major league pitcher, the San Diego Padres decide not to send her back down to the minors – a decision that sends the sports world and media into a frenzy. One sportscaster thinks keeping Ginny on “Just shows… I don’t know, what the hell does this show? If you can’t throw the ball over the plate, but you’re really pretty, you get to play in the big leagues?” And here is the thing, I understand being angry that Ginny gets another chance after a monumental screw up. This isn’t little league, this is major league baseball and you don’t always get second chances. But how does her physical appearance or level of attractiveness come into play here? Are you saying women only get things because they are attractive? If she was an unattractive woman they wouldn’t have given her a second chance? The only reason Ginny is kept on the team is because it would be a PR disaster if the Padres sent the first woman to start down to the minors after one game. That has NOTHING to do with her appearance, it has to do with this very unique situation the team is in.
On the eve of Ginny’s second chance as the Padres starting pitcher Blip takes Lawson out for some drinks to talk some sense into him. If Lawson wants to finally get that ring he has been aching for, Ginny is his way in. Ginny needs his support, she is a rookie, she is scared. She needs to know her captain and catcher has her back. And Blip ends it with “This girl is your legacy.” You’re my boy, Blip!
And unfortunately the second night out starts off the same way the first one did- with a wild pitch. But then Lawson decides to step the fuck up, act like a captain, and gives her an awesome pep talk.
“I’ve been watching you this past week, Baker. Seems like you’ve got a lot of people telling you who you’re doing this for and I wonder if it’s not about time you start doing this for yourself. Just you. Screw all of the attention and you know what, screw all those adorable little girls in the crowd with their Ginny Baker signs because you’re not a Girl Scout leader rookie. You’re a ball player. You do this for you. You do this for your team, or you don’t do it at all. Because you can’t aim your pitches if you’re aiming to please everyone.”
And this is the issue. This is what the media, both those who were counting on her to represent them and those waiting for her to fail didn’t understand. This is not the same as another pitcher being called up. The entire world is not watching this intently when this happens for a random pitcher. They get to the mound and yes, they are nervous and excited because this is the moment THEY have been waiting for their whole life. They want to make their family and those who supported them along the way proud but that is where it stops. They don’t represent something bigger. Their individual failure neither diminishes the previous accomplishments of male athletics nor hinders the future progress of men in sports. That is what Ginny had to deal with when she stepped on the mound these first two times. That is a lot of pressure to just push out of your mind especially when you do not have the support of your team.
But now she does have the support of her team, or her catcher at least, and that is all she needed. And with that, Ginny is back in play and throws a perfect strike immediately followed by a ground out to first. And as the game starts rolling, The Rolling Stones “Sympathy for the Devil” starts playing in the background sung by a woman.
After the game Ginny walks out to the field and looks around letting it all sink in and her father comes out to greet her. But as it turns out, her father isn’t really there because he died in a car crash in 2010. He died while driving home from State Championship winning game where she was recruited to the Padres minor league team with Ginny in the seat next to him. And so it wasn’t her father she was pitching to after the first night starting for the Padres, it was the drive inside of her. The drive he instilled in her that they worked on together. And finally after her first major league appearance she is able to get his approval even if he wasn’t physically there.
I am very excited for where Pitch is headed and am 100% ready to take the ride with them. One thing I loved about this episode were the small details that were left in. In the opening scene such as two nectarine gift baskets from Hillary Rodham Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres.
They didn’t need to put this small touch in, and many may have even missed it, but I love a show that pays close attention to details.
ALSO: Does anyone know who sings the cover of Sympathy for the Devil from this episode? Shazam failed me on this one!
LETHAL WEAPON Season 1, Episode 1
“Pilot” AIR DATE: September 21, 2016
GRADE: C-
MURTAUGH: Did you know your house is illegally parked?
RIGGS: Why don’t you write me a parking ticket then?
Welcome to Fox’s Lethal Weapon, the television reboot of the badass buddy cop film series that’s only here because Warner Brothers wasn’t in the mood to produce a Lethal Weapon 5. But while the good news is that the pilot (and, thus far, the series) is accessible and easy to digest, the bad news is that the premiere episode is near-lobotomized, generic cop fare the film series attempted to avoid being.
Clayne Crawford (Sundance TV’s Rectify) plays Martin Riggs, a good ol’ boy from El Paso, Texas who chases bad guys along the border. He’s a former Navy SEAL (though this is mentioned in passing; I had to read the episode summary to ascertain this) with a wife (Floriana Lima) and a baby on the way. But if you’re a Lethal Weapon veteran, you know what’s coming and it isn’t good.
The untimely death of Miranda Riggs leaves Martin a mess and on the verge of suicide — which is just music to the ears of his new partner, Roger Murtaugh (Damon Wayans). As Murtaugh is up there in age (and is recovering from a recent heart attack), the stress and chaos Riggs has suffered and brings into Murtaugh’s quaint, quiet family life is most unwelcome.
Together, the two cops investigate the apparent suicide of a man in Griffith Park which (SURPRISE!) turns out to be a homicide made to look like a suicide. This leads the duo to some unsavory ex-military characters who run a fairly clandestine heroin operation and who are not above kidnapping the son of the murder victim (Peter Cortes) in order to get their drugs back.
The TV series is brought to us by Matthew Miller (he gave us Chuck, Las Vegas and Human Target) and is loosely based on Shane Black’s initial film story outline. Any semblance of hope that this might have been worth your time is dashed by McG’s brain-dead, dollar-store Michael Bay direction. McG, a better producer than he is a director, started his film career with 2000’s Charlie’s Angels, was a producer for Supernatural and Chuck and was also the brains behind Fox’s Fastlane which died after one season. He directed the pilot. There’s good McG and awful McG. This is the latter.
The opening moment on the show is a prime example:
Martin Riggs is shooting up bad guys in the mid-afternoon Texas sun, yelling “Yee-haw!” (with a full-on southern accent which he later loses and occasionally finds again) and his wife phones him up to calmly tell him that she’s very literally driving herself to the hospital to have their baby because “it’s time.” It’s a loud, goofy action sequence incoherently mashed up with Miranda Riggs walking outside of the Riggs’ household, waving to her plant-watering neighbor next door and telling Riggs that he’s “about to be a father” in a few short hours. Riggs is so happy about this, he stops his pursuit, sets up a sniper rifle and accurately shoots the bad guys from a thousand yards to finish his day on the highest of notes. It’s like watching a Claritin commercial produced by the Republican National Committee.
While Miranda’s death is a necessary aspect of the mythology of Lethal Weapon (it’s what drives Martin over the edge), seeing it feels manipulative. In the original films, we slowly come to learn that Martin’s wife was killed in a traffic accident — and, eventually, that her death wasn’t exactly a sick joke from a random, indifferent universe — but we never actually witness her death first-hand. Instead, Martin’s grief along with bits of exposition combined with the power of imagination to tell us the story, which is more in keeping with the people we meet in real life. That (along with the whole minute we’re given to get to know Miranda) is what makes the opening scene so ridiculous.
The rest of the episode is spent attempting to build up a rapport between Riggs and Murtaugh but ultimately fails because the show seems more interested in rushing to the next over-the-top action set piece while their police chief (Kevin Rahm) nonsensically yells at them for doing what they were asked to do, eventually “taking them off the case”, a cheap plot device meant to drive a wedge between two characters who’ve known each other all of ten minutes, yet act disappointed as if they’ve known each other for years.
As much as detractors would like to dismiss the film series as machismo run amok, the films had heart and it took the time to introduce and expand on its characters, utilizing its R-rating to explore the darker side of Martin Riggs’ tortured psyche, giving us a character who might be thinking of putting a bullet in the brain of the perp he’s arresting — but never would. His wife’s story humanized him, getting under the viewer’s skin and showing us an incredibly broken man wracked with sorrow, guilt and anger. His job was simply a possible means to an end. This was all perfectly balanced by Danny Glover’s straight-laced Roger Murtaugh. The pair had chemistry and was helped by the fact that the production included legendary action writer Shane Black and an in-his-prime Richard Donner. The film transcended the buddy cop genre.
None of what I just said is in this series. In contrast, Crawford’s Riggs is always likeable. We never see a moment where he’s lost control. His character has two speeds: broodingly serious and Deadpool-esque goofball. It’s a pale imitation of Mel Gibson’s more complex Riggs. At times, it’s as if the show’s creators are asking its audience to read between the lines…if only there was something between the lines. Every single time the show tries to make something out of Riggs, every single sentence starts with “What about your wife”, a cloying tactic transparently designed to wring sympathy from the viewer. Damon Wayans is fine as Murtaugh and I liked the scenes with his family (except for the awkward moments when he would constantly ask for a birthday blowjob from his wife — played by Keesha Sharp) but there’s no real chemistry between the two, though that could be resolved as the show goes on.
Without the protective blanket of a Netflix or an AMC or an FX or an HBO, everything here feels frustratingly sanitized. Whether or not this is the fault of the showrunners is in dispute. You simply can’t take a film like Lethal Weapon and turn it into a TV show for the whole family and, at the same time, expect it to be as deep or entertaining as the original material. Because of this, Fox is stuck delivering very familiar, by-the-numbers TV cop fare and that’s why the Lethal Weapon premiere has good intentions but ultimately disappoints.
Rejoice! South Park sees a return to form with Skank Hunt.
In this week’s episode, Matt Parker and Trey Stone take on the controversial topic of internet trolling. Compared to last week’s episode Skank Hunt is much more focused on its topic, overcoming the criticism Member Berries faced by being overloaded with topics. It, however, is still lacking in the outrageous humor department.
Heidi Turner’s mom gets a dick photoshopped in her mouth (courtesy of student forum troll Skankhunt42), forcing Heidi to take a jump to her death……….. on Twitter. The whole school goes into mourning and police are brought in to question the teachers.
Parker and Stone are amazing when it comes to topics like this. Does internet trolling actually matter? Do we need to go to such drastic measures like quitting social media? The most ironic part is that to mourn this incident, the whole school goes onto social media to post poems, quotes, pictures, and what not in order to mourn Heidi’s quitting of Twitter instead of actually talking to Heidi. Clearly social media has taken over both our lives and the lives of the people in South Park.
As in real life, the internet troll becomes super proud that he/she is making the headlines in the news, only further feeding the troll. Gerald performs his trolling like an art; composing a symphony of dicks and crude jokes all over the internet. Some would argue that trolling is a delicate fine art. It takes a lot to get under someone’s skin and evoke emotion without knowing them.
Scott Malkinson reaches out to Mr. Mackey as he contemplates quitting Twitter himself. Most school counselors are ill equipped in real life when it comes to thoughts of suicide. We see that Mr. Mackey is very caring at first but finally stops caring after being constantly bombarded by Scott. Dejected and tired, Mr. Mackey says “Fuck just do it.”
Parker and Stone hit home when they show us that society tends to condemn people regardless of whether they are guilty or not. “You get blamed for the group you belong to,” says Butters. They do this through the divide of the boys and girls at school. The girls are getting ready to retaliate if the trolling does not stop even though the boys have nothing to do with it. The boys firmly believe that the troll is Cartman based on his past history of trolling. By taking matters into their own hands, they invite Cartman into the woods to have an all-night LAN party playing counter-strike and take him out …… by destroying all his electronics therefore eliminating his ability to post.
Now with all the harm that the troll has done, the viewer now sees the troll in a different light. Because the troll is able to cause so much misery online, he is able to enjoy life without the little things annoying him, such as waiting in line behind a woman using multiple coupons that do not work in a grocery store. The music was on point during this whole scene with “Steal my Sunshine” by Len.
Gerald, the troll continues to grow and is now waging war on Denmark. Meanwhile, the boys have realized their mistake in destroying Cartman and the girls enact their revenge by breaking up with all the boys in tune to ominous Gortoz a Ran by J’Attends (used in Black Hawk Down). The biggest casualty comes with the end of Stan and Wendy. *tear*
P.S. Member berries are still alive and kicking, now available at your local whole foods! Memba Jeff Goldblum!
Spoilers through Agents of SHIELD Season 4, Episode 1: “The Ghost.”
Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD is back and bringing the heat! The Spirit of Vengeance himself, Ghost Rider, has been the spotlight of all the marketing material for season four and the premiere episode doesn’t disappoint. Even though Ghost Rider is the new, headline character, there is a lot of groundwork laid for the coming season.
Previously On…
When we left the SHIELD at the end of season three, Hive was defeated, Daisy was on the run, and Coulson was no longer Director of SHIELD. It was clear that by season four, SHIELD, much like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, has cast the Inhumans aside. In the premiere I believe the word “Inhuman” was used once.
The advantage of a show like SHIELD hitting a fourth season is that the core characters now have a firm foundation. This allows the writers to break them up a bit and put them in situations that challenge them in new ways. The season four premiere, The Ghost, finds our team in a new predicament, broken up and segregated.
May’s Howling Commandos
May appears to be stationed at the bunker training a tactical squad. This squad is later seen in battle, which make it clear how great May is as a field leader. She appears to be at home and satisfied with the arrangement. After losing Andrew last season, SHIELD is really all that she has left.
FitzSimmons and Aida
Fitz and Simmons are a couple but struggle with Simmons’ new position as a close advisor to “The Director”. Simmons’ new role puts her at odds with May and pulls her away from Fitz. Frustrated, Fritz goes to watch football with Dr. Holden Radcliffe. When Fitz arrives he is greeted by Aida, an android assistant that Radcliffe has created. Aida appears to have caught Fitz’s attention and with the struggle he is having with Simmons, this might create some friction between these two beloved characters.
The Search for Quake
Mac and Coulson team with Yo-Yo to find Daisy in Los Angeles. They uncover clues about a weapon being sold to the Chinese and investigate. They find the Chinese buyers and watch as they open the mysterious box. Once the box is open, a smoke substance rushes out. The main Chinese guy seems to be the only one affected. A female figure appears behind him and says, “Breath of Fresh Air.” He begins to see the others around him with blacked out eyes and weird faces and starts shooting them all. May and her team show up and clear out the remaining bad guys. She then *feels* the female figure walk behind her. When the show ends, while May is talking to Coulson, his eyes go black like the Chinese bad guys did. This tells us that May has been influenced by this female in some capacity.
As for the identity of the female figure, we don’t have much to go one. The best assumption we can make is that the big-bad for this season might be a Ghost Rider villain. Since Ghost Rider taps into the spiritual/mystical part of the Marvel Universe it would make sense that the ghost-like female figure has ties to the Spirit of Vengeance. Just shooting from the hip, I believe this might be the MCU’s version of Hag.
The Spirit of Vengeance
Finally, the main event: Ghost Rider. Season 4 of Agentsof SHIELD does not bury the lead. The opening scene of the show has an amazing Ghost Rider car transformation scene. There are also a few shots of Ghost Rider through the first two-thirds of the show. When Daisy finally tracks him down, we finally get a good look and feel for what Gabriel Luna is bringing to the role. There is a great one-on-one fight between Skye and Ghost Rider and it ends with a well done transformation scene where Robbie fully becomes Ghost Rider while Daisy watches. The design on Ghost Rider is spot on and the effects look great. This scene might have been my favorite from the series so far.
Final Thoughts
Just like any good premiere, a few questions are answered, but we’re left with many questions. Just what is Daisy’s mission now? How did Robbie become Ghost Rider? What was inside the box and how is it going to affect May? And most important, who is the new Director of SHIELD? The Agents of SHIELD premiere was an okay time, but the addition of Ghost Rider helps make it a better viewing experience. If you are a fan of the series, there is a lot to like about the season four premiere. Some good action, a few jokes, and more Marvel characters then you can shake as stick at. Agents of SHIELD has set the foundation for where season four is headed and it looks like it might be a hell of a ride!
Behemoth’s Pit People finished its closed beta over the weekend and thusly, I have opinions on how the beta went down. I feel a bit like a liar for even titling this piece as “first impressions” because the beta wasn’t my first time with Pit People. I will concede, however, that playing the Pit People beta was the first time I was able to test everything the game has to offer. In previous play attempts, I killed all of my characters during the first major battle. (I’m EXCELLENT at video games.)
Since this is an impressions piece, I won’t go all review-y on the game but instead just talk about what did and did not work, what I’d like to see in the final product and so on, because Behemoth values my input as a loud-mouthed gamer with opinions out the wazoo. (That’s a slight at myself, not at Behemoth. They’re actually quite good at responding to feedback.)
To start, Pit People is a strategy game that follows a rag tag group of warriors as they make their way around the oddly hexagonal-tiled world. Their duty is to stop the evil Space Bear God Thing from destroying everything they love, including their parents, kids, and some weird bug creature that looks like it would be right at home in Image Comics’ SAGA. Like any RPG, you can follow quests from a board inside the main city of the game, but if you want to fly your own freak flag, you’re also able to participate in friendly team murder in The Pit (Arena) battleground or through some good old-fashioned PvP.
What Works
The Funnies. Pit People’s humor is classic Behemoth, ridiculous to a T and perfect for this style of game. Thank the almighty Bear God it never takes itself too seriously. Also, don’t worship the almight Bear God too much because he is on a power trip and doesn’t need a bigger ego.
Characters. From the expected archetypes with crazy hair to creepy flying bug monsters, you can recruit them all for your party. They are all wonderfully eccentric in their own way and man, what I wouldn’t give for some kind of ridiculous Dragon Age banter between Horatio and Sofia while traveling on the overworld.
Customization. Along with your plethora of characters comes a ton of customization. Headgear, weapons, off-hand items, attire, and so on, can all be swapped out in the heroes’ base of operations. I enjoy most of the original looks for the characters, but it’s nice to have the option to make them all pretty. Or ugly.
Pipistrella. In and out of battle, she’s the best character. I love her pink headdress, I love her mace, I love her ability to pummel enemy faces.
The Premise. Narrated by Will Stamper, who does all of Behemoth’s narration, Pit People has a somewhat cliche story of man vs. evil, but it works for the game. The story isn’t what matters. It’s the art and the gameplay that carries this game and it works well.
What Doesn’t Work
The UI. Oh, man. This is a cluttered mess. Because Pit People is turn-based, it relies heavily on you moving the proper character to the right hexagonal tile. At least a dozen times I moved the wrong character because it’s so hard to tell who exactly is being moved. Undoing one move also undoes all moves, which is frustrating once you reach the maximum amount of characters in your party. The lines across the tiles are unnecessary and just add to the confusion.
The Lengthy Turns. When I was a wee Jen, I had no problem waiting during a turn-based battle system. In my crotchety old age, however, I do not have the time that was once afforded to me to play video games. While Pit People isn’t as bad as some strategy games, the AI turns, especially in larger boss battles, can be lengthy. If there were an option to simply skip their turns, I’d have done it.
Save States. I have no idea when this game saves. No, seriously. Every time I closed out the game, I took a gamble, hoping it saved most of what I’d done. Twice I had to redo main portions of the story because I thought it had saved when it didn’t.
No Skippable Cut Scenes. With not knowing how the game saved, not being able to skip cut scenes was frustrating. I love the story so far, but I don’t love having to watch it play out three times because my game didn’t save. Let me choose to skip the story.
Lack of Explanation. It took a lot of trial and error to understand some of the nuances of the game. The UI design focuses so heavily on style that it causes me to miss out on important data, like the fact that if you return to the main city without completing a quest, you fail that quest.
Final Thoughts
I’m excited for Pit People. It has some issues in the beta that proved to be irritating, but all in all, I think once the bugs are hammered out of the final product, it’ll be a solid entry into the genre. It’s a challenging game, not one for children under 10 or Jen’s before noon, but once you get the hang of the style, it’s engaging. Basically, if you like turn-based games that are absolutely littered with Behemoth’s classic sense of humor, then Pit People is for you.
This Christmas, the two most beautiful people in the world are stranded in space. Sony has released the first full-length trailer for their space epic, Passengers, complete with a teaser trailer before the actual trailer.
Synopsis: Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt are two passengers onboard a spaceship transporting them to a new life on another planet. The trip takes a deadly turn when their hibernation pods mysteriously wake them 90 years before they reach their destination. As Jim and Aurora try to unravel the mystery behind the malfunction, they begin to fall for each other, unable to deny their intense attraction… only to be threatened by the imminent collapse of the ship and the discovery of the truth behind why they woke up.
Apparently someone didn’t tell Sony that Futurama already did this Titanic space opera in “A Flight to Remember”, with Bender and the Countess de la Roca playing the star-crossed couple aboard a doomed vessel. Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt certainly are a more attractive than the animated pair, but after the minute-too-long trailer, I have no doubt it will end in a similar fashion, probably with Jennifer Lawrence letting go of Chris Pratt so she can go on and live alone for 90 years.
Sony’s taking a big leap with Passengers, as they put $150 million into the project, which is a hefty sum on an original project that only has a handful of actors. That being said, all criticism aside, you bet your shiny bottom I’ll be seeing this one in theaters. I’d be crazy not to. All I ask is that we see the awkwardness that is being trapped in a space station after you’ve had a huge fight with the only other human being on board. Come on, Sony. We know this is a comedy, not a romance.
This week on the season finale of Dark Matter: the crew tries to stop an attack against a corporate summit, Five gets a blonde wig, Four goes full Ryo.
Spoilers through Dark Matter season 2, episode 13: “But First, We Save The Galaxy.”
I can’t believe we’ve gone through an entire season of Dark Matter already. It feels like just yesterday our numbered pals were making friends in a Galactic Authority prison. Now they’re all grown up and trying to save the galaxy from a corporate war.
It looks like all my fears about last episode’s ending were for naught as Ryo just let the crew of the Raza without a word. I’m not surprised he killed the Seers, the Empress, and even Hiro, but I am surprised there wasn’t a stand off. Sometimes I am unsure about the passage of time in Dark Matter, especially with every episode ending on a cliffhanger, but it does make for quick and to-the-point storytelling.
The Looming Corporate War
“But First, We Save The Galaxy” starts off with Commander Truffault discussing an upcoming corporate summit on Eos 7. There hasn’t been a summit for over ten years because the corporations don’t trust one another, so most of the corps are preparing for some kind of deceit. And failing. Truffault and the Mikkei Combine think it’s best to maintain a position of neutrality but Ferrous Corp, as we learn later, definitely wants a war.
The Raza crew shows up and slams down some future knowledge and Truffault surprisingly listens. I’ll be honest, I don’t trust her, especially with her shady looks she’s always giving, and I don’t think Two does either. Truffault only wants to stay in the Raza’s good graces because of the hope that one day they might get their hands on that blink drive technology. Mikkei agrees to help the Raza get on board Eos 7 so they can play at big damn heroes and stop the bomb from destroying the station.
Five Goes Corporate
As much as I adore Five, let’s be real: she’s not going undercover again any time soon. Everyone is worried about what might happen to her on the station, especially Six, who has taken up his role as Five’s protector once again.
Five: “If there’s even a chance that we could stop a war from happening, we have to try. Six: “I guess you’re right.” Five: “Of course I am. As usual.”
Oh, you.
An aside: I’m kind of sad Six didn’t get more screen time this season. I think he’s paid his dues.
Five dons a suit and a blonde wig, and then she does anything but fit in on Eos 7. When Truffault and Nieman (commander from Ferrous Corp) go off alone acting 50 Shades of Devious, Five meets Nieman’s assistant. He’s also acting shady but Five is too preoccupied with Ryo’s arrival for The League of Autonomous Worlds to notice. When she is attacked by Ryo’s guards, her new pretty-eyed friend saves her, only to reveal he’s an android with a chip upgrade. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
Five, being better with computers than espionage, tells the android that his secret is safe with her. And then his guilt programming goes into overdrive, forcing him to tell Five the truth: he’s the bomb. Not like 1990’s vernacular “da bomb” but like, “everyone on this station is about to go kerplooie.” Five’s kindness inspired him and even though he can’t stop the bomb, he can keep it from killing everyone on board, so he throws himself out an airlock and explodes.
For a station that was under lock and key, they didn’t think to guard an airlock that could act as an entrance on and off the ship? What the heck?
Nyx & Ryo & Misaki
Before the journey to Eos 7, Ryo calls Nyx and essentially proposes over the phone. Ryo, sweetie, I know you’ve been suffering from amnesia for a while, but that’s not how you appeal to a girl like Nyx. Spar with her, have an intense make-out session, apologize for all the dumb shit you’ve done lately like be responsible for the deaths of both of your brothers. Then you can pop the “Will you be my Bae?” question. OF COURSE Misaki overhears this conversation and is sent into a jealous rage. I chime in with a, “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!”
Ryo has a moment later on when Two sneaks in his room and confronts him about what he’s doing at the summit. He admits freely he wants the drive and Two is all, NO. IT’S MINE. He just smiles and it’s clear he plans on getting the drive one way or another.
It’s at this moment that I wonder why Six didn’t tell anyone about Ryo’s ambition for having a fleet of blink drive capable ships to save Zairon. If Six had mentioned it, maybe once they realized Ryo was on the station, precautions could have been put into place to prevent the theft of their most valuable item. Granted, by the end of the episode, we don’t know if he took the REAL drive or not, but I’m guessing by the Android’s tone and Two’s surprise, that he did.
Nyx and Misaki face off during the blink drive heist and Nyx puts the hurting on Misaki. It’s only when Misaki is like, “Oh btw, my cut poisoned you like five minutes ago” that Nyx falls down in agony muttering, “With a kiss, I die.” The Android finds Nyx later on, but from the look on her face, it doesn’t seem like things are going well for our Seer friend.
I wonder how Ryo will handle it when he learns that his old girlfriend murdered his new girlfriend after he specifically told her not to hurt anyone. I’m also intrigued by Ryo’s logical sense of honor. He kills his own blood without batting an eyelash but he doesn’t seem like he’d ever intentionally hurt the crew of the Raza. He doesn’t hurt the Android and even turns her back online to warn the crew to get off the station because there’s about to be an earth-shattering kaboom.
Other Smaller Things That Happened
Three looked dapper as hell in his corporate garb and my crush on him grows ever stronger. However, he did get his face smashed in by some of the Ferrous Corp goons so his day could be better. As he’s coming to he sees…was that Lt. Anders, ex-friend of Six when he was Kal Varrick?? Oh buddy.
Five: “Three!? What the hell?” Three: “I didn’t want you to scream!” Five: “Sort of like you just did?” Three: “That wasn’t a scream! That was a manly cry of pain.”
Kierken was especially annoying this episode, not listening to anything the crew of the Raza told him. After his exchange with Three two episodes ago, I had hoped he would be more open-minded about our friends, but it seems Three escaping only made him resolute in his goal to stop them. He does heed Two’s advice, however, when he goes to where Ryo’s bomb might be and inadvertently sets it off sooner. So there’s that.
The Android is still coming to grips with her humanity and she had a really great line tonight:
“I suppose I never realized that emotions could have such a downside.”
Final Thoughts
How the hell are you going to leave me with a cliffhanger ending like that, Dark Matter?!
Like most of the episodes of late, “But First, We Save The Galaxy” was action-packed right from the first scene. It was definitely an exciting note to end the season, but I’m left with so many more questions than answers. I’m just glad Dark Matter has already been confirmed for a third season.
I still maintain I wish that the whole corporate war shindig had been explored more. I know the main three, but have no idea about anyone else at the summit. Not even just that, but I’m not sure about what separates the three from each other. They have to have specialities, right? I just want to know more!
Nyx had better survive to next season or I riot. I need more from her character. Actually, I need her and Two to hook up. For science.
Dark Matter returns next summer for season three. Those teases.
They’re BACCKKKK!! I know, I know…they JUST left! How are they back already? Don’t ask me; I don’t get it either. All I know is Dancing With the Stars comes back more often than Barbara Walters out of retirement. It is Season 23, and the delightfully witty Tom Bergeron is back to run this circus, along with his sidekick Erin Andrews. Also back are 3 of Americas’s favorite pro-dancers: Maksim Cherkovskey, Cheryl Burke, and Derek Hough. New on the show this year – straight from his “I was robbed but not really, I lied” Tour, Olympian Ryan Lochte. Apparently, when you commit a crime and then lie about it to the nation, what comes next? Jail time? Arrest? Nahhhhh…YOU GO ON DANCING WITH THE STARS, of course! But more on that later. Let’s get to the dancing.
MARILU / DEREK:
Some may know actress Marilu Henner from her days on the classic sitcom, Taxi. She is now 64-years-old, and really in very good shape. She moves well and their Jive was fun to watch; excellent for week one. Len said of the dance: “There was no messin’ about” – unlike his bladder control. Carrie Ann strung some words and high-pitched sounds together, in order to create something that was meant to be a sentence.
When the scores of 7/7/6/7 were revealed, Henner squeeled like a maniac, almost busting out Bergeron’s eardrums.
JAMES / SHARNA:
Indy car racer/driver James Hinchcliffe was badly injured in the 2015 fiery crash that happened on the Speedway. For him, it was a sobering experience, and left him wanting to do more fun and challenging things, such as randomly do the Foxtrot on national TV. His footwork and movements were very fluid and he seemed quite athletic. Len thought the dance was a “knockout.” Julianna said it was a “breath of fresh air.”
Scores were very high for week one at 8/8/7/8.
CALVIN / LINDSAY:
Also known as “Megatron” in the world of football, Calvin Johnson Jr. is an NFL legend who broke Jerry Rice’s record. They did a Cha-cha, and despite people on Twitter and social media joking about how badly he would suck on the show, he did pretty darn okay. Really nice foot work. Julianna thought he had the brightest smile she has ever seen, while Bruno came through with another one of his looney remarks, yelling: “BIG! You are big in every possible way! How you manage those big feet, I have no idea …” Hey now.
Scores were 7/6/6/7, and Bruno needed a cold shower.
MAUREEN / ARTEM:
“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!!” Most of us know Maureen McCormick from her days as Marcia Brady on The Brady Bunch. Now, she is 60 years old and her mere presence on the show makes me feel incredibly old. Let me just repeat that for those of you who missed it – MARCIA FREAKIN BRADY IS SIXTY YEARS OLD! If she’s 60, how old does that make Ann B. Davis (Alice) at this point? 112? Or is she dead? I hope Alice the maid isn’t dead. That would suck. Anyway, Marcia looks a lot more like Jan in her old age, and they did the Vienesse Waltz. In rehearsal footage, she kept crying because she was so grateful, and kept saying how amazing it is to be on the show. Bruno was funny with: “Relax, dahling … you’re here.” Carrie Ann meowed: “I love your vulnerability.” Len said the dance “needs refinement”, much like his old, crusty ball-sac.
Scores were 6/5/5/6.
BABYFACE / ALLISON:
Producer/musician Babyface joined the show in order to make his mom, who recently died, proud. He got emotional when talking about her, and his dancing was smooth and sleek. Carrie Ann said a bunch of strange words, and then attempted to sing for no reason. Len thought the dance had “plenty of razzle dazzle”, unlike his weak and awkward pee-stream.
Scores were 7/6/6/7, and Erin Andrews was beginning to feel pointless, as they were only having her do backstage interviews with “some” of the couples. Hmmmm … now you know how poor Brooke Burke Charvey felt, as they slowly kicked her to the curb.
AMBER / MAKS:
Listen, I’m glad you are back Maks, but what on God’s green earth is sitting on top of your head??? Is that your hair-style or did a poodle die and decide to make its final resting place on your scalp? Amber is a model and TV talk show host – apparently. (Never heard of her in my life.) She was also an exotic dancer – apparently. They did a Foxtrot, and it was highly seductive. Carrie Ann commented on Amber’s looks: “You are stunning to look at.” She should have retorted: “Well ya cant have me, ya horny lady!”
Scores were even at 6/6/6/6.
VANILLA ICE / WITNEY:
Since I listed everyone else with first names only so far, it seems weird to type “Vanilla Ice”, but even weirder to type “Vanilla” or “Ice.” Anyhoo, this rapper / singer took it back to the 90’s by doing the Cha cha to his own hit song “Ice Ice Baby.” There were backup dancers, a car onstage, and even his original outfit from the video. Bruno made a silly pun with “this was tonight’s ice breaker!” Julianna said the entire thing made her so happy. All the judges wondered where was the Cha-cha.
Judges scores were 7/5/6/7, and Len got booed rather hard for the 5.
JANA / GLEB:
Okay, so this chick is some country singer or something. Who cares? The man she is dancing with – who has the unfortunate name of “Gleb” (Really? That’s a name?) – is smoking and sizzling hot. OH MY! They did the V. Waltz, and she is pretty attractive herself, and it looked as if they were quite into each other. Either that, or they are both amazing actors, because the chemistry was definitely there in the dance. Did I mention how HOT he is? Yeah. Host Tom Bergeron had a classic line at the dance’s end with: “And we’ll pause briefly for the ladies to take cold showers. You too, Bruno.” Speaking of Bruno, he stood up and flailed his arms into Len’space while yelling: “Raunchiest, hottest dance I’ve ever seen!” Bergeron responded with: “Alright, just relax.” Len said he was not transported to Old Vienna. I think he needs to be transported back to the nursing home. Monday is spaghetti night.
Scores were 7/6/6/8.
JAKE / JENNA:
Okay, this was like watching two little children dance together. It was very cute. Pro-dancer Jenna is making her debut this season on the show, and Jake is a kid actor, I’m told. Never heard of him, because I’m not hip enough or young enough to know who the hell he is. But he looks like he’s eight years old. Their Jive was sweet and adorable. Bruno told him to “focus on the bottom as much as the top.” That’s what his guests said at his last sex party.
Scores were 5/6/6/5. Erin Andrews took a break and went to a bar in downtown L.A. Nobody noticed.
RICK / EMMA:
Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry could not be more of a dork or more boring. He is snooze-ville in a pair of slacks. They did the Cha-cha, and you could see his lips counting the entire time they danced. He was not good. He dances like a stick, or a piece of plywood with arms. Len called it “a bit pedestrian.” Ouch! Bruno basically told him that he had no timing whatsoever.
Scores were horrible at 5/5/5/5, and Perry yelled weirdly: “YES!!! I LOVE YOU, FIVE!!!” Bergeron’s classic reply: “Spoken like a true politician.” Erin Andrews went over to Brooke Burke Charvey’s house, to smoke a joint together and laugh at the dancers.
TERRA / SASHA:
Oh my God! She is a little person! It’s the first ever Little Person on the show, ever!!! A little person is on the show this season!!! Seriously, every person in the cast at one point in this episode uttered the phrase “little person” – they said it so many times, I was going to create a drinking game for every time someone mentioned that she is a little person. Sasha said: “I’ve never met a little person in my life!” That’s great, because she has never met a real life Elf (Sasha looks like a Christmas Elf.) Well, she might be little, but she has some giant breasts going on. Their dance was pretty damn good. Carrie Ann said: “I didn’t see a little person. I saw a huge star!”
Scores were 7/6/6/6, and Erin Andrews returned just in time from Brooke’s house.
RYAN / CHERYL:
So, Lochte is of course, the six-time Olympic Gold Medalist swimmer. He is also a person who got in a lot of trouble over in Rio, because he got drunk, peed on a gas station wall, broke and damaged some stuff, then made up a story that he and his team were robbed at gunpoint to save his ass. Then, as if that isn’t douchey enough, he left his team over there to take the fall while he went back home. Classy. Yes, everyone makes mistakes and blah blah blah, but why on earth is this guy being given a platform on a show like this? I don’t think it’s right.
And apparently, I’m not the only one, since protesters interrupted the judges comments by running onto the dance floor, which DWTS did not show. There were 2 men who rushed the stage, wearing anti-Ryan shirts. Security took care of them very quickly, but the footage shown later on news sites and such happened very quickly and out of nowhere. The show’s live broadcast did not show what happened. Instead, the camera panned over to Carrie Ann, who was speaking and giving her comments when the chaos erupted. After a few minutes of obvious shuffling around, Bergeron took it to a commercial. When they came back, they apologized for the “incident”, and asked Ryan and Cheryl if they were okay. Anyway, not that anyone noticed, but their dance was pretty good.
Scores were 6/6/6/6.
LAURIE / VAL:
Now, here’s the Olympic Gold Gymnast who DOES deserve to be on this show, AND she is really good. She might win this thing. She has charisma, athleticism, and beautiful moves. Mak’s brother Val had the same stupid poodle hair that Maks had, so maybe they were part of an unfortunate bet or something somewhere. The dance was wonderful, and Len found it to be “sharp, crisp, and clean.” Unlike his wrinkly old-man balls.
I will leave you with that image to lull yourselves to sleep, and scores were 8/8/7/8.
NEXT WEEK:
The first elimination.
Rick Perry falls asleep in the middle of his own Pasa Doble, because he is so boring.
Marcia Brady’s Dance partner, Artem, doesn’t show up for rehearsals. His excuse? “Something suddenly came up.”
Spoilers through South Park Season 20, Episode 1: “Member Berries.”
The hype has been intense for the newest season of South Park. With the political and social landscapes in prime positions for Matt Stone and Trey Parker to pick apart, fans of the animated comedy have been theorizing over what issues the newest season would tackle.
Luckily for fans, the Season 20 premiere, “Member Berries”, is up-to-date on all the hot button topics: protests against the National Anthem, internet trolling, reboots (member berries), and the choice of voting for either a giant douche (Trump) or turd sandwich (Clinton).
While current, “Member Berries'” commentary on its topics lacks the punch that we saw in the previous season with most of its jokes missing the mark. Season 19 did a great job shining a light on gentrification, yaoi, police shootings, and safe space while showing how ridiculous we were in our ways of thinking about them. South Park found ways to rip into these topics while making us laugh hard.
For better or worse, there were a few gems that stood out the most – the topics of reboots and the Presidential Race: choosing between giant douche or turd sandwich.
Everything appears to be getting a reboot nowadays (South Park included). Unfortunately, they’re not always that good. There appears to be a lack of good ideas out there. Take for instance the government reaching out to J.J. Abrams for help.
With Colin Kaepernick and others protesting by not standing up during the national anthem, the government has turned to J.J. Abrams to reboot the song in a way that keeps everyone’s favorite parts but changes it to involve everyone. Abram’s solution adds the choice of standing, sitting, or doing whatever you’d like during the national anthem. It’s a simple reboot without really changing anything (as some would comment Star Wars: The Force Awakens to be).
To cope with the changing times, the citizens of South Park instead try to “member” all the good times they had in the past. The member berries (think talking grapes that make your favorite pop culture references) definitely stole the show with their “member memories.” I can’t wait to see what impact they will have on the rest of the season.
The other really poignant topic that resurfaces every four years was the discussion on why Americans get to choose between a giant douche or a turd sandwich. Either one is bad but we can’t believe why some people would vote one over the other. There really is no difference! The parody of the commander-in-chief forum by Matt Lauer was especially good. No president will ever deliver what they promise and lie constantly during their campaign. The addition of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was particularly hilarious as well.
It’s clear to see that the continuous overarching seasonal story will continue in Season 20 by the ending of “Member Berries”. We will have to wait and see if the setup will payoff in later episodes. With so many questions left unanswered, we’ll have to wait and see what hijinks the citizens of South Park have in store for us in the remainder of this season.
South Park airs Wednesdays on Comedy Central at 10pm EST.
There’s something extremely infuriating about a board game that relies entirely on luck. For instance, every game of Life demands a player to be uncharacteristically good at spinning a wheel or pulling blind cards in order beat their opponents, thusly leading to angry accusations of cheating or outright quitting. Relying solely on luck is a frustrating mechanic for everyone playing except that game’s winner. Looking at my time spent with Armello on the Xbox One, I am inclined to feel the same way about the game’s progression. And yet, I can’t stop playing it.
Armello is strategy game from League of Geeks that fits in perfectly with my board game analogy because that’s essentially what it is: a board game beautifully rendered into a video game landscape. The premise is thus: the king of Armello has fallen ill with Rot, the land’s evil, and after nine days, he will perish, leaving one of the four players on the board left to claim the throne in that time. It’s up to you, as one of the eight unique animal characters to take up that throne for your clan (wolf, bear, rat, or rabbit).
There are several ways to claim the throne: through sheer prestige, which you gain from completing quests and slaying enemies (including other players); by collecting four soul stones and presenting them to the king; by killing the king; or by using the game’s Rot to your advantage. Of all these ways to win, prestige is by far the easiest approach. In fact, throughout much of my play time, I wondered why any one would even attempt to kill the king or enter the palace when it was such a treacherous ordeal. Unless you’ve built up your stats high enough, it’s hard to counter the king’s high dice count.
Spell cards can be treacherous for unprepared victims.
Speaking of stats, you have four that you manage: fight, which is how many dice you use in battle; defense, your health total; wits, the amount of cards you can hold in your hand; and spirit, your spell magic. Every “round” is a lengthy affair, consisting of two turns per player, a day turn and a night turn. Every turn your draw enough cards to fill your hand (up to the amount of wit your character has) and you use your mana or coins to either equip gear, use spells, or play trickery cards. Every character has three AP to move about the board, capturing settlements for more gold, exploring dungeons, finishing quests, and so on. If the king isn’t killed by the ninth day, he dies from his Rot, and the player with the highest prestige wins. All other ways to win must be accomplished before the king’s death.
If all of this seems very confusing, that’s because it is for the first few games of Armello. The prologue does its best to teach new players about the basics of the game but only when you’ve played a few matches do you really start to grasp the game’s flow. Once you’re out of the prologue, there’s no real help or guidance outside of the menu and the internet, leaving you to try to understand what “scout” means on the card you’ve drawn or to decipher some of the more curious spells in game. It’s a daunting task and it took me losing my first four games before I finally understood some of the nuances to Armello, at least enough to win a match. I can appreciate the difficulty, but I wish that early on in my play through, things would have been slightly less cutthroat so that I could understand the importance of say, quests over killing other players.
Battles are a dice-y affair in Armello. #sorrynotsorry
It’s hard to stay mad at a game like Armello, though. Even though it stings to lose (and you do), matches are quick enough that the pain doesn’t linger for long. It’s not like losing a Civilization V game you’ve been playing for nine hours; matches only last around twenty minutes so you simply start up another and try again. (Though I will concede that losing because you failed to roll the dice well at all hurts quite a bit.)
But let’s talk about what Armello does well because it’s obvious to anyone who has even glanced at the game: Armello is absolutely stunning to look at. I’m not usually one to praise graphics in a strategy game but Armello is a gorgeous piece of art put into a video game setting. Everything from the characters, to the game tiles, to the cards in the deck is beautiful. I honestly wish I had a physical copy of this game to show it off to people, that’s how pretty it is. It’s like if Disney had made a video game about adorable animals fighting to the death, like The Lion King, only bloodier.
The characters in Armello stand above most in a game of this genre. Throughout the prologue I thought the game would play out more like an RPG instead of a strategic battle and that’s due wholly to how unique the characters are. Each of the eight characters have individual quests relevant to their clans and perks that make every play through a unique experience. The new Usurpers DLC for Armello also adds four more additional character which each have even more creative uses of the procedurally-generated hexagonal board.
Armello is a intriguing take on the strategy genre that makes excellent use of the board game usuals. With an excellent array of characters, you can play several games and not have them feel the same. Though it does suffer from some heavy reliance on luck and turns between characters can take a lifetime, it’s still more than worth it’s $20 price tag. While Armello does seem like it would feel more at home on a PC, it works well on the Xbox One for casual playing and I didn’t mind the longer turns sitting comfortably on my couch. (In multiplayer, however, I was bored to tears.) Luckily, I never had any issues with multiplayer, online play, or any kind of graphical issues. It’s well put together and if you’re the kind of gamer who is interested in strategy games, give Armello a shot.
Armello was reviewed on the Xbox One with a code supplied by the developer.
A couple of months ago, right before the season finale, my editor Jen asked me if I wanted to write a piece on what Wynonna Earp meant to me as a queer woman. I said “Of course” and her only advice was to write what I feel and not write it like it is an English essay.
Well, it took me two months and change to figure out how to do that, and I am pretty sure that this will still read like an English essay.
Wynonna Earp makes me feel at home–a home filled with warmth, love, and appreciation all wrapped in a blanket of acceptance. I have said throughout many of my reviews and pieces that TV has played a very important part in my life, but more importantly, it played a large role in me coming out to myself. It wasn’t until (and I cringe at how cliche this is) I watched The L Word in high school that I realized I was gay. While I was watching, all of the feelings and thoughts that had been floating around in my head just came together like a puzzle. The catalyst wasn’t any specific scene or storyline, but instead it was the normalization of queer women. The show helped me put my growing feelings into context. Prior to watching The L Word, my emotions toward other girls was more abstract. It was something I knew I felt but I had neither examined it nor questioned what it meant. But then I saw this world with Bette and Tina, and Alice and Tasha, and it all made sense. That is what I had been longing for.
While that realization was powerful and important, the next step was to accept and understand what this meant for me. Among other things, this included searching for and devouring every lesbian storyline on TV I could find. Unfortunately, for every amazing storyline of substance that I found (e.g. Bad Girls, South of Nowhere), there were ten more that were really bad. Many lesbian stories were all too brief, treated as meaningless flings where both girls ended up going back to straight dudes, disappearing or, well, dying.
After over a year of scouring the internet for these stories I stumbled upon an amazing international online community where women from around the world would share the lesbian storylines from shows in their country. Together, those within the community donated their time and effort to translate clips and write subtitles for the videos in several different languages. Because of their hard work and dedication I have watched storylines from over fifteen different countries, from Germany to Argentina to Israel.
The fact that this community came together demonstrates two very important things: first, we crave to see ourselves represented in the media that we consume and second, that there is such a dearth of content that we have to search around the world just to find that representation.
Back in the present, a time years after I came to find this online community,Bury Your Gays is still very much a common occurrence. I don’t really want to get into the issue directly, though it does play a role in the interaction between the LGBT community and showrunners. What seems to happen when the community gets upset about an LGBT character’s treatment on TV is we are sometimes demonized and considered to be unreasonable. And while sometimes it is justifiable, other times it is not. The reason that I bring this up is that the anger and hurt comes from wanting to be represented. We want to see our stories on TV and instead we’re left to watch our characters die or be exploited. It has come to the point that when a lesbian character I adore dies, I blame myself for allowing myself to get emotionally invested when I knew it would most likely end in heartbreak. Wanting to see our stories told on TV is why this online international community came together. And while I am glad that this community was created to share queer stories from around the world, I am sad that a global collection of TV clips was the only way we could find representation. So while some people see a community that gets “enraged” at show runners, I see a community that has banned together.
All of this is why Wynonna Earp is home to me: it makes me feel represented. Not only as a lesbian, but also in the strong, awkward, and flawed lead, Wynonna.
Then, of course, there is Wayhaught, the relationship between Officer Nicole Haught and Waverly Earp. The show could have easily led Wayhaught into several lesbian tropes, starting from Nicole Haught’s introduction. Officer Haught is a confident, self-assured lesbian attracted to the adorable town sweetheart Waverly. A lesser show would have used Nicole’s authority to portray Nicole as a predatory lesbian confusing a small town girl, but Wynonna Earp did not do that. While Nicole made it clear she had feelings for Waverly, she was never forceful. This much is evident when Nicole turns to Waverly and says, “Waverly, I would never ask you to be someone you’re not.”
Waverly is a girl who has spent her whole life in a small town trying to do what she thought everyone wanted her to do. She was working at the local bar and dating the same stupid boy since high school who didn’t respect her. And then she met Nicole and her world changed; not just because she was attracted to a girl, but because she realized that there was so much more to life. She deserved more than a guy who thought pretty people do not need to be smart. She deserved someone who adored her and she adored back.
**Warning: The next paragraph contains a spoiler of one event that happens in the finale**
At no point during the show did I feel like the show writers were pandering to the community. Instead they took the most overused trope and flipped it on its head. In the season finale of Wynonna Earp Officer Haught gets shot, and when Wynonna and Waverly go to check on her they rip open her shirt only to find that she was wearing a bulletproof vest. I have watched this scene over and over again and everytime I do I can’t help but smile. The show was telling me that they have my back. With that scene they looked their queer female viewers straight in our eyes and said “We see you. We understand your pain. You matter to us. We care.”
The love story between Nicole and Waverly is organic. It feels normalized. But more than that, the chemistry between all of the main characters is amazing. The one liners are hilarious. And lastly, the cast and crew genuinely seem to appreciate their fans. All of them. They interact with fans on Twitter, log on to live video chats after the airing of episodes and seem to enjoy it. So, when I think about what it feels like to watch Wynonna Earp, it feels like home.
Are you pumped for The Last Guardian releasing next month? Well…. I’ve got some bad news for you.
In a Playstation Blog update posted today, Shuhei Yoshida, President of Sony’s Worldwide Studios for Sony Computer Entertainment Inc., announced that The Last Guardian will be seeing what many are hoping is the last delay.
“The Last Guardian development team is fast approaching major milestones in production and has made the tough decision to delay the release of The Last Guardian a few weeks,” Yoshida wrote in the post.
Originally scheduled to release October 25, 2016, The Last Guardian will now launch on December 6, 2016.
Yoshida points to final polish of the games issues as the reason for delay.
Fumito Ueda, gen DESIGN and JAPAN Studio have a wonderful vision for The Last Guardian’s touching, emotional journey of friendship and trust, and we want to deliver the most polished experience possible for our fans who have supported us for so long. A delay is a difficult decision, particularly with this game, but we have encountered more bugs than anticipated while in the final stages of development. To ensure that The Last Guardian delivers on the experience that the game’s creators have envisioned, we need to take the extra time to work on those issues.
This week on Dark Matter: the Android drinks hot chocolate, Four goes back to Zairon, Five is a hero, the infamous betrayal finally rears its ugly head.
Spoilers through Dark Matter episode 212, “Sometimes in Life You Don’t Get to Choose.”
In the second episode of Dark Matter’s double-header, “Sometimes in Live You Don’t Get to Choose”, we’re rocketed back to the reality of war. “Wish I’d Spaced You When I Had The Chance“, while serious and emotional, felt like an interlude to the real story season two has been trying to tell and now that Four has definitely uploaded the neural link, we’re heading into the final chapters of this arc.
Pew! Pew! You’re mine!
The actual plot of the episode isn’t as interesting as all the character development happening. Most of it plays out as expected, minus the last few scenes, which are, so to speak, killer. The episode starts off with Four, now Ryo, using the Raza’s blink drive to attack a Zairon cruiser. He orders the cruisers commanders to surrender to his might and support his claim to the throne of Zairon. Two of the three commanders agree, so he’s got pretty good odds so far.
Ryo and the Raza use a similar trick to get the attentions of Emperor Hiro, proving just how powerful the blink drive really is. Once reunited, it only takes a matter of moments for Hiro to trust Ryo and it all seems so easy. The brothers establish a plan to have Ryo take over his rightful position as Emperor of Zairon, but it’s obvious that the Empress won’t go down without a fight. After her confrontation with Hiro, she plots to ensnare Ryo and hold him accountable for a murder he didn’t commit.
The Empress somehow learns of Hiro and Ryo’s plan to address the people and instead she has Hiro hidden away while she makes a false statement about an assassination attempt, pinning the blame on Ryo. Everyone, including all the viewers, tell Ryo that she’s setting a trap for him, but he plans to go away. Two tries to talk him out of it, telling him he is so blinded by his memories that he is unable to see the truth.
Ryo only responds, “My former memories hold the key to my success,” and he leaves the ship to walk right into a trap set by the Empress.
The Painful Truth of Memories
It seems as though there aren’t any side effects to Ryo’s neural upload. Both sets of memories are still in tact, even though the Android cautioned he could lose his “new” memories. However, not everyone is okay with Ryo going ahead with the upload. Nyx is particularly upset, especially given their new romantic involvement. Last episode they appeared more at ease with one another and while I wouldn’t say I get the impression they’re in love (actually it almost seems like we’re missing an episode when it comes to their relationship), there are emotions brewing, so for him to do this behind her back is a betrayal. As Ryo gently touches her cheek, he says that his feelings haven’t changed. To which she responds, “Maybe not. But you have.”
It’s something we see echoed later on in Ryo’s treatment of Misaki. He’s blindsided to learn that her trust in him wasn’t because he had earned it but because she loved him. With him abandoning her, her loyalty is now to the throne and Ryo doesn’t sit on it. Like Nyx, Misaki can see how much Ryo has changed over the years and it’s clear she doesn’t much care for his new self.
Also dealing with Ryo’s transformation are Three and Five, in their own ways. Three notices that Ryo has been keeping his distance, which for a man of his stature only means one thing: Ryo knows about something awful that Three did in his past and he’s shielding him from it by not making contact.
Five and Six have a heart to heart down in the cargo bay about Ryo. Of all the crew members, it’s Five who saw up close and personal just how dangerous Portia Lin, Marcus Boone, and Ishida Ryo really were before the mind wipe. She remembers how easily Ryo would have killed her, without guilt, without hesitation, so naturally she’s afraid that there’s a part of him who might revert back to being that monster. Six tells her that before the mind wipe, he knew that the GA used him to kill ten thousand innocent people and still the old Six went back to work for them, so maybe they all weren’t the best people. Only the mind wipe (and the presence of Five), changed him and the others on board the Raza. Ryo may have his old memories, but “new” Ryo is in there, too, and that’s a person worth trusting.
The Android’s Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery
Two happens upon the Android as she’s drinking hot chocolate under the guise of “sampling” for the sake of the crew. WE SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU, ANDROID. It’s clear that the Android is plagued by helping out Four, but Two, very maturely, states that they’re his memories and it was ultimately his decision to make. The Android, ever afraid she’ll make another mistake and put her crew in harm’s way, desperately seeks Two’s approval while trying to navigate new and frightening emotions. Two reaffirms that when dealing with humans, it’s much more difficult to know “what is right” than it is with dealing with ship’s systems.
Pleased that she made the same decision that Two would have made, the Android lets slip this small, genuine smile, and you really start to see that bond form between them. The Android LOVES Two, but she also values her opinion and more than anyone else, she listens to Two’s word. That bond we saw between Portia Lin and the Android on the AU is really coming to fruition in their reality. And this bond is so much more than just “we both have nanites.”
This bond is brought even more to the front of mind when we learn from Ryo that it was Portia (with the help of Five) who installed the Android’s emotive subroutine. And personally, I think this exchange between the two is incredibly important for later episodes:
Ryo: “It was the act of making you whole that brought the two of them together. Changed a lot of things on this ship. For the better.” Android: “Why did they do it?” Ryo: “The answer lies within you.” Android: “That’s very poetic and ultimately unhelpful.” Ryo: “No, I mean literally within you. You possess internal recorders that documented your time on this ship before we went into stasis.” Android: “I was rebooted.” Ryo: “Which wiped your immediate access to the digital data, but not the data itself. It still exists somewhere inside you. You just have to find it.” Android: “Why are you telling me this?” Ryo: “Because I may not get another chance…..and because I’ve always liked you, Android.”
While I don’t think any of these revelations will come to fruition in the season finale, I do think it’s important enough to stow away for Dark Matter season three.
The Rescue and the Betrayal
Ryo finds himself in a pickle in the capital of Zairon, but have no fear! The crew of the Raza is here! Determined to save their friend from his death sentence, they break into the building using Five’s knowledge of the palace. She goes off to rescue Emperor Hiro while the rest of the crew is caught in a trap set by the Seers.
Empress: “Is this all of them?” Seer: “The entire crew. Except the girl. But she’s of little consequence.”
OH HO HO. LITTLE DO YOU KNOW, YOU FOOL.
They’re all dragged into the throne room where Ryo is to be executed, but the Android arrives in the Raza just over the palace and threatens them with a few bombs. The Empress calls the Android’s bluff and orders Ryo to be killed anyway.
Upstairs, Five shows up to find Hiro who is doing his homework in his room, completely oblivious to the mayhem downstairs, and she’s all, “Yay! I’m a hero!”
Hiro storms into the throne room all, “Mom, I can’t believe you did this! You’re the worst!” He orders her to be arrested for the murder of his father. Then Ryo steps up to the throne and in one fell swoop has the Empress, Hiro, and all of the Seers killed. He is now the unchallenged ruler of Zairon and the crew of the Raza are at his mercy.
Why would Ryo kill everyone? Well, it makes sense he would kill the Seers who could potentially mess things up for him in the future. And it makes sense he would kill the Empress because she’s untrustworthy and vindictive. Hiro, is less understandable, given their relationship, but it nullifies any chance of someone rallying behind Hiro as the rightful Emperor.
As for the crew of the Raza, they have something Ryo wants: the blink drive. Judging from his conversation with Six earlier in the episode, he seems like he’ll do what is necessary to get it so he can win the war and save his people.
Other Thoughts
Nyx learning the truth about Milo broke my heart. I thought for sure she felt him take his own life after it happened, but I’ve since realized that isn’t the case, so when she learned that not only he was dead but that Four was partially responsible, it was too much to bear. She could kind of understand the distance caused when he became Ishida Ryo, but to know that Four, the man she cared about, was behind it hurt even more.
Soooooo Devon is really gone, huh? Unceremoniously tossed the way of One? I’m not all that torn up, but it still stings.
On the flip side, I can also now see Six destroying the blink drive (as an act of betrayal against the crew) so that Ryo doesn’t get his hands on it. You know, for the good of the universe.
This week on Dark Matter: the crew goes outside, Four smiles, the Galactic Authority returns, and Three and Five bond during a kidnapping.
Spoilers through Dark Matter episode 211, “Wish I’d Spaced You When I Had The Chance.”
Finally, the Raza gets a chance for some R&R off ship in “Wish I’d Spaced You When I Had the Chance.” I’ve had some qualms about Dark Matter in the past, lamenting the fact that they spend a lot of time on the ship and not exploring, what I imagine to be, really fascinating planets all over the universe. That being said, episode eleven is a breath of fresh air, making excellent use of the different character pairings. It’s so good, in fact, that it is unequivocally my favorite episode of Dark Matter.
A Pit Stop and Sour Fruit
The crew makes a stop for supplies at a space station to pick up the usual goods as well as some personal effects. Four buys cleaning supplies for his swords because, “There’s nothing more disrespectful than killing an opponent with a dirty blade.” And Two, well…
Four: “What’d you pick up?” Two: “Oh, you know. Girl stuff. Scented creams. Ammunition. Knives.”
Two, Four, and Nyx then partake in a few games of chance while they wait for Three and Five to finish up their own shopping spree and sour fruit pranks. The crew each share light-hearted moments and THIS is exactly what I’ve been craving from Dark Matter. I don’t need an entire episode of “Punk’d by Five” but it certainly helps alleviate some of the darkness of the last few episodes to have the crew be silly with one another. However, is it just me or is it a little concerning to watch Four smile? I almost don’t trust this joking Four as he second guesses which color Nyx hid under a bowl.
The Return of GA Inspector Javert Kierken
Things don’t stay happy-go-lucky for long as someone inevitably recognizes the crew of the infamous Raza. Why they don’t take more precautions is beyond me. How many times now have they been recognized at a space station? How many has a group like the Galactic Authority or the Seers learned of their whereabouts? I’m sure the blink drive gives them some measure of security out in space, but on a planet, they can’t just flash away.
GA Inspector Kierken hears of the Raza crew and he can’t let go of the past. He has a duty to the people of the galaxy and dammit, he’s going to make good on that duty. The GA stymies communication on the planet during a silent lockdown but the action tips off both Two and the Android back on the Raza. Two, Four, and Nyx make use of GA outfits lying around near their transfer transit and seriously? No one was standing guard? The disguise lasts all of ten seconds before Two has to slash her way out of trouble and back up to the Marauder.
Five is Kidnapped, Three Goes A Hunting
By far the BEST part of this episode was every interaction between Three and Five. We already know about my love affair with the green-haired girl and recent posts certainly show off a burgeoning adoration for the scruffy dude with the big gun and even bigger heart. When Five is kidnapped at the station, Three wastes no time going to rescue her.
Five does her best to protect herself, even stabbing one of her assailants in the ear with a spoon (YEA!) and pulling off some very Two-esque fighting moves (HELL YEA!), but ultimately she’s outnumbered and gets maced into slumber again. Three manages to take down one of the Danker brothers, steals his shotgun, and then bursts through the cabin doors with a bad attitude like he’s starring in a remake of Boondock Saints. That’s HIS kid, dammit.
*FEELINGS ALERT*
Five: “Hey. Thanks for coming to get me. I was scared.” Three: “Me too. Kind of.”
The pair’s reprieve doesn’t last long when the last Danker brother returns home and shoots Three in the chest as the screen fades to black. And my heart stops.
Earning the Crew’s Trust
Six, still on board the Raza with the Android because he’s not quite trusted, wants to go to the station to help out the rest of the crew. He offers to use the Transfer Transit so it’s only his clone out there and not the real him, but the Android is skeptical. She looks positively evil as she says she won’t hesitate to kill should her faith in him waver.
Android: “I believe you’re sincere in your desire to make amends. And that you harbor no ill intent toward the crew.” Six: “Thanks.” Android: “Of course, my assumptions are sometimes fallible so I’ve identified a weakness in your left ventricular free wall that I will target if my faith in you proves to be misplaced.”
Damn, Android. That’s harsh. I didn’t know you had that kind of darkness inside you.
When Two returns she decides to go back down to the planet to rescue Three and Five and she invites Six along to pilot the Marauder. Aw. She does trust him. (As she should. He knows what he did.)
Always a Kid
The GA and Kierken show up at the cabin and our intrepid best friends duo barely escapes. Three is suffering from a bad gun shot wound that Five accidentally got drunk with alcohol, so their escape isn’t a fast one. Five tricks him into taking a rest because she knows he’s lying about his injury, but Three is stubborn and refuses to put Five in danger. The sweetness between these two is so strong I got four cavities just watching this episode.
Five: “I wish you would stop underestimating me.” Three: “Kid, I stopped underestimating you when you snuck into my quarters and stole the bullets from my gun. There’s a difference between underestimating someone and not wanting them to get hurt.”
DEAR GOD, MY BEATING HEART.
They continue their trek through the woods but Three starts to realize the severity of their situation and tries to Harry and the Hendersons Five with a “I NEVER LIKED YOU” bit in order to get her away from him. It, of course, fails because Five isn’t, you know, a kid, and she knows this is as close as Three gets to “I love you.” However, she does leave to go cause general chaos and mayhem because let’s be honest, that’s what Five does best.
The Brewing Corporate War
Three’s interrogation by Kierken was an important scene, not just because it proved how loyal Three is to the crew of the Raza, but because it gave some indication about the impending doom that is the corporate war. GA Inspector Kierken tells Three that Mikkei is set to take the fall for the white hole bomb that destroyed an entire planet, which would lead the universe into a war it couldn’t handle.
In all honesty, I truly believe Kierken is a man who wants the best for the common people. He doesn’t trust the crew of the Raza because well, they’re criminals, but he does seem to offer, what he thinks, is a genuinely good deal every time they interact. His mission is to divine the truth from them so that he might better protect innocent civilians from what would be a disastrous three-headed massacre. It’s admirable and if he were after any other crew I might cheer for his success. Even Three seems to recognize the importance of his mission, which is why, I think, he lets Kierken’s clone live with the knowledge that he (along with Wexler, Tash, Vons, and Cain) was responsible for unknowingly delivering a bomb at the behest of Commander Truffaut.
Later, Six watches a news segment about riots in the outer colonies and discusses with Two the incoming change. Bad things are happening whether they like it or not and they have to pick a side. According to Six, it can be good or evil. Those are the only two options.
Three and Five: Best Friends Forever
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure Three would make it off the planet alive. Dark Matter was tugging at my heart strings all episode and I was CERTAIN his interaction with Five would be his last. Thank goodness I was wrong because I love the two of them together. I love the bickering; I love the snarkiness; I love the nicknames; and I especially love the smile Five gave Three after he destroyed Kierken’s drone.
Ow. My heart.
Five visits Three in the infirmary and I wanted so desperately for her to hug him, but that isn’t their relationship. Their relationship is made up of stolen bullets, scoffed thank yous, and sour fruit mashed into oatmeal. I wish that I was more eloquent about how wonderful it is to have a relationship like theirs but the only thing I can do is jump up and down, screaming about how they melt my heart. Three and Five (and really the whole crew) are proof that you can have a show and be completely invested in relationships that aren’t based around romance. Not every story needs to be a love story.
AND THEN FOUR GOES TO ANDROID TO UPLOAD THE NEURAL LINK, RUINING EVERYTHING.
What’s up, guys and gals! Welcome to the Workprint Gamescast!
Listen to Rob, Jen, Bilal, and the gang talk about the latest in video games news, what they’re playing, and all other manner of nerdy habits.
THIS WEEK ON THE GAMESCAST: Rob, Jen, and the gang discuss the Sept. 1st Nintendo Direct, all the games Jen played at PAX West, and Sony’s Playstation Meeting. Bilal and Chris face off against Sony’s latest marketing move, while Jen and Rob try to recover from their respective weekend adventures!
Charles Colton once said that, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” If this is true, Cornfox & Bros. & FDG Entertainment are paying a high compliment to The Legend of Zelda Series with Oceanhorn: Monster of Uncharted Seas.
Originally released on iOS in 2013, Oceanhorn makes its console debut on Xbox One and PS4 as Cornfox & Bros. aim to bring their imaginative ocean landscape to even more people.
Does Oceanhorn bring honor to its spiritual muse or does it sink under the pressure of such a legacy? The truth is somewhere in between.
Oceanhorn: Monster of Uncharted Seas puts you in the shoes of a young, unnamed hero, on an adventure to find his father and save him from “Oceanhorn.”
The story starts with your hero waking up to a note from his father. In a very short time the hero meets up with Hermit, who serves as a spiritual guide through the adventure. A quick tutorial session, a sword and shield, and a door key lead to the hero’s grand adventure.
The story isn’t super deep, but it does have heart and offers some nice beats for players that enjoy story in their game. It won’t revolutionize the genre, but it’s more than welcome. It’s also worth mentioning that there is very good voice acting in the game. Much like games of the adventure genre, the hero is silent but there are several voiced scenes by Hermit and others you meet along the way. Another really nice inclusion is the ability to replay any of the cut scenes seen previously, at any time, from the pause menu. This is a great addition for those who might forget where they are or what was going on the last time they played.
The gameplay in Oceanhorn is both full of surprise and disappointment. The basic controls are simple enough, move with the stick, attack with the face buttons, block with trigger, and switch weapons with the D-Pad. It feels very familiar to playing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past or A Link Between Worlds.
Because Oceanhorn was born as a mobile, touch enabled, game, Cornfox & Bros. added the ability to cycle items with the D-Pad. For example, if you have bombs and the bow and arrow, instead of going into a menu and switching the items as you would in a Zelda title, for example, you will just press left or right on the D-Pad and the items will cycle through. This is such a great addition that makes combat feel faster and more exciting. By the end of Oceanhorn I felt like a skilled hero!
As good as the controls can feel at times, the fact that Oceanhorn is a port of a mobile game does also hurt it. There are areas that you visit where the tasks and missions are just very simple, almost elementary. Mobile games tend to be made for smaller bursts of entertainment and built in hooks to bring a player back regularly, unlike console first games which are more about immersion in a game world. This is evident in little ways, like not having full control of your boat. You choose what island you want to sail to, tap it, and then you are set on a course to that destination.
In contrast, The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, which is an obvious inspiration to Oceanhorn, allows you to sail anywhere you’d like at any time. Another example of watered down gameplay comes in the form of challenges for each island.
Unlike a classic adventure game where you pick up side quests and such, in Oceanhorn there are challenges for your character to complete, things like “Read 20 Signs” or “Free the Prisoners.” Completing these challenges awards some XP and unlocks an achievement but adds nothing of depth to the story or the world. And speaking of XP, you do earn XP for killing enemies and completing challenges, but there are no skill trees or proper leveling system. A new level awards you a new feature or ability, like running longer or adding a gun to your boat.
My time with Oceanhorn was mostly positive. If you are a fan of adventure games, especially old school The Legend of Zelda games, than Oceanhorn: Monster of Uncharted Seas is something you should consider. However, you need to set expectations before jumping in. The game is simple and at times shallow due to the nature of it’s mobile roots. Oceanhorn‘s main adventure can be completed in roughly 7-8 hours and even with exploring everything, you’ll be lucky to get 12 hours max. This could be considered short for an adventure game, but I felt it was an adequate time to spend in Arcadia.
At $14.99, Oceanhorn is unlike most other experiences on Xbox or PlayStation currently. I started by saying that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and Oceanhorn: Monster of Uncharted Sea is a love letter to the adventure games of the 16-bit era. Its attempts to be heroic, epic, and full of adventure…and for the most part, it pulls it off.
Since its release into early access on Steam over a year ago, Ark: Survival Evolved has been immensely popular, remaining steady with sales on Steam and even transitioning onto consoles. It has a little bit of everything: a large, open world, survival mechanics, base-building, crafting, a PvP or PvE environment, and DINOSAURS (which you can ride). It’s one of my most played PC games and as of writing this piece, I’ve logged over 400 hours of play time. So, when I and my fellow diehard fans who have logged hundreds and thousands of hours in this game’s world start screaming at the top of our lungs about its current state, you know there’s a problem.
On September 1st, Studio Wildcard, the developers behind Ark, released DLC for the game called Scorched Earth. Priced at $20, the DLC was nearly as expensive as the main game which sells regularly for $30. The fact that Wildcard released DLC for the game isn’t quite the issue. Most of the gamers I know would gladly pay for DLC if it meant supporting a game we loved and it’s obvious from the amount of time we’ve spent in-game that we do love it. Thus, with so many fans of Ark, why have gamers turned on Wildcard, leading to posting so many negative reviews on Steam that it would make No Man’s Sky look positive by comparison?
For starters, Ark releasing a paid DLC for a game that is still very much in early access sets a horrible precedent. Currently, on Steam, there are no repercussions for an early access game who decides not to follow through on their promises. For every Starbound or Divinity: Original Sin that makes good use of the early access system, there are ten more Towns or Spacebase DF-9’s who take consumers’ money and run for the hills. And then there are games like DayZ or 7 Days To Die that seem perpetually stuck in the early access stages, never to reach the glory that is a finished product.
With Ark now selling DLC to fans of the game, what’s to stop other early access games from doing the same and taking advantage of their loyal fanbase? Constantly pushing updates to an early access game (for oftentimes years) can get expensive and I’m sure the opportunity to make more money from DLC is a tempting offer for many developers. Up until the advent of the early access system, games and their DLC went through a more stringent publishing process because “being good” was the only way to entice consumers. However, with early access as it is now, developers can simply promise changes to a game in order to entice buyers and as it stands, there is no way to hold them accountable once you’ve spent your money. Steam has already tried to monetize the mod community, so they, as a publishing platform, certainly aren’t going to start putting rules on who can and cannot sell products to consumers because that would also limit their cash flow. The only real recourse for gamers is to get a refund, but as is the case with Ark, most of the fans fall outside of that two week window, and usually developers wait months or years to pull the rug out from under them.
THE PAY-TO-WIN SCENARIO
Another area of concern with Ark’s new DLC is how it affects the main game. When fans buy a game that has a PvP system like Ark does, we want to make sure that it runs a fair system based on ability, not disposable income. No one likes to play against griefers who have access to all the best items simply because they bought everything the game had to offer. We trust developers like Wildcard to ensure that a game remains balanced enough to still be fun and challenging.
Note: the game has never looked this gorgeous on my PC. Unless I was standing perfectly still.
However, Ark has essentially done the opposite with its Scorched Earth DLC. The content itself is limited to the desert island seen in the DLC, loaded with new dinosaurs and crafted items. However, that new content is not relegated to DLC’s island. Players can “take” those items from Scorched Earth back to the main island and use those advantages against players who haven’t purchased the DLC. Wildcard has stated the intent behind this move was to show off the new content while “enticing” other gamers to buy Scorched Earth. In essence, they want to manipulate gamers into spending another $20, otherwise, they’ll be at a disadvantage to those who did fork over the cash. It’s a deceitful act, one that reeks of cash grabbing for the sake of, oh, I don’t know, paying for a gigantic T-Rex display at PAX.
But the biggest kicker to this issue is…
AN INCOMPLETE GAME
More than just being an early access game, Ark isn’t finished. Sure, it has enough content to entertain gamers for a few hundred hours, but believe it or not, gamers who dip into the early access market tend to be very patient people. We read that big ass banner that says “early access” and take the bugs with the good, hope in hearts. We truly believe we are helping the developers with testing and quality assurance, with, of course, the added bonus of getting to play a game early. But make no mistake, we still PAY for these games, so when we decide to buy into early access games it’s with the agreement that one day this purchase will come to fruition.
Ark is not a complete game. It’s one of the most poorly optimized games I’ve ever played (worse at times than Arkham Knight at launch); bugs are rampant, leading to unexplainable deaths, the loss of one’s best gear, and dinos that glitch into walls forever. Even if you are running a top-of-the-line rig, you can’t expect to play at peak performance. It’s an honest-to-goodness mess. BUT, we play games like Ark because there’s potential–serious potential–which is why it hurts so much to see these breaches of trust occur.
WE TRUSTED YOU
When Ark first released, it was one of the good ones. Wildcard was transparent about their process with detailed updates every few weeks. (Very early on, updates were close to twice a week, but even I’m not naive enough to expect indie developers to stick to that schedule.) As developers go, they were incredibly involved in the community, communicating with fans on Reddit and the forums. Whenever someone asked about how to “do” early access games, Ark was the shining example. Then, somewhere along the way, things got lost. Instead of fixing the game-breaking bugs, the focus was on cramming Ark with new modes (like Survival of the Fittest) in an effort to draw in more users, and then filling it to the brim with new and exciting dinosaurs. These methods worked. For a time.
From the Scorched Earth DLC
Wildcard then opened the gates to the mod community and Ark felt brand new again. Frustrations with poor optimization and bugs were eased with the aid of mods that made the low framerates more bearable. With modded help, Ark was shiny and new again after a year of dull updates and the delayed promise of better optimization. But we stuck with them because Wildcard saw the beauty in the community additions, even adding some of the mods to the main game itself, and we thought, “They’re listening to what we want.”
Through it all, the same statements were repeated by developers: “We’ll optimize and fix bugs once we’re ready for full release.” As much as I like the new dinosaurs and crafting, it’s all we’ve ever truly wanted as fans. We’ve been patient and understanding, believing that the updates we were given were the easy fixes and that the bigger updates were in the works for final release.
And then the hammer fell. The surprising announcement everyone waited for wasn’t the big update with patches and optimization. It was DLC; DLC that admittedly ran much better than the main game; DLC loaded with the fixes we’ve been waiting over a year for (but only for the DLC portion), and it felt like a punch to the gut. They weren’t listening. And understandably, fans are pissed.
Fans have taken to the forums and steady reviews, knocking the game down from “Mostly positive” to “Mostly Negative” in less than five days. (As you can see in my image from above) In only a few hours, fans who defended the early access banner on Ark’s steam page revolted, tired of waiting for promised fixes that we’re still unsure if they’ll ever arrive. A fan conversed with a dev on the Wildcard Slack channel and things got angry quickly, leading the dev to saying, “Your entire post screamed of rage because you are too cheap to pony up 20 dollars for a game worth 60 which we undercharged for in the first place.” (This dev did later apologize.)
Somewhere along the way, something changed the relationship between Wildcard developer and Ark gamer, and it saddens me to even write that. Maybe we were too entitled, we asked too much, and that pushed them to the edge. Maybe the DLC release was planned for the future and the final release of the game but the lawsuit with Trendy Entertainment forced their hand early. I can’t really comment on the why’s of the act, only how I, as a consumer and a fan, feel.
There’s a part of me that hates this community and what has happened because it’s only fulfilling a prophecy. It’s true that if we want to make a statement about our wishes, we need to vote with our wallets because sadly, in the game industry, being vocal isn’t enough. While Ark’s Steam reviews have taken a nosedive, with the release of the DLC and the sale of the main game, it remains high on Steam’s best-selling list, proving the developer’s point that we may be angry but people are still buying into the game.
And honestly, as angry and heartbroken as I am, I’m afraid what these actions mean for the industry as a whole. Will Ark’s early access DLC set a precedent for the community? Only time will show. But I know one thing for certain: I’m standing firm and refuse to buy DLC for a game that doesn’t care about its player’s voices.
unsnaps, it makes this ridiculously satisfying popping sound. Everything about the Scroll and Codex looks like quality construction. Solid wood with a leather base for the scroll, and the codex has wood running the length of the product, wrapped in leather around the middle. According to Dan, it’s strong enough to withstand being tossed in a backpack, which is a huge perk for me since I have a habit of wrecking things in my bags. Dan also mentioned that others have put the Spell Book and Hex Chest through the gamut of tests, even sitting a 45lb weight on top of the Book to see if it would hold up. Spoiler alert: it did.
One more question so you guys can back to your busy day: what do you want us to know about Elderwood Academy and the things you make? 
To start, Pit People is a strategy game that follows a rag tag group of warriors as they make their way around the oddly hexagonal-tiled world. Their duty is to stop the evil Space Bear God Thing from destroying everything they love, including their parents, kids, and some weird bug creature that looks like it would be right at home in Image Comics’ 
pretty. Or ugly.
