This week on ‘Game of Thrones’: Battle rages outside Winterfell between the Starks and Boltons; Dany tries to defend Meereen from the Masters; Jen dies from the insanity of it all.
Spoilers through Game of Thrones 609, “Battle of the Bastards.” This may be one of the biggest battles of the series, so STEER CLEAR unless you’ve watched. I warned you.
Are all the ones worried about spoilers gone? Can I talk about this episode now?
Okay. Phew.
I CALLED IT. I FUCKING CALLED IT. I knew my prediction was naive and too sugar sweet but it came true and I.fucking.called.it. I mean, it was kind of a softball in terms of predictions. Narratively, Jon Snow HAD to survive and I just piled on the hope from there. Okay, so I was all but certain Davos was going to die and that’s the one part where I was wrong but hey, I’ll take it. I was sure he’d confront Mel about Shireen, get sad, and get himself killed being heroic, but thank the Red God he didn’t. I love Davos and I’m glad he’s still alive. UGH I AM SO PUMPED.
After last week’s lackluster episode, I put a lot of hope in “Battle of the Bastards” to get me hyped again and boy, did it come through. But enough fist bumping and celebration. Into the abyss, yes?
Meereen
So, uhm. I’ll be honest. I did not expect to visit Meereen this week. All of the promotion and previews was for the battle outside Winterfell, so when I saw Peter Dinklage and Emilia Clarke billed in the opening sequence, I was hesitant. The episode certainly was a more focused affair, only visiting two locations, but I’m not complaining. It suited the story.
After Dany’s suspect return last week, I was concerned she might try to reason with the Masters. She waltzed in, looking confused and that to me wasn’t in character at all. Honestly, I think they’d have been better off just ending the scene in Meereen last week with the Masters fireballing the pyramid and start this episode with Dany storming in, getting the 411, and going to town on the attackers right away. As it is, it makes it look like she let the Masters attack the city all night before doing anything to protect her people. And that’s just not the Dany I know. Dany is vengeful and full of rage, even downright chaotic at times.
PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF THRONES
Tyrion cautions giving in to that urge to burn cities to the ground because that’s kind of the Mad King Aerys’ thing, but hey, parents, amirite? Dany heeds Tyrion’s council and decides to go with the less murderous approach. Together they call the Masters in for negotiations and mother of dragons, Dany is so gorram smug I LOVE IT. While the Masters are detailing what she’ll do now that she’s lost, she just smirks and lets them finish spitting out their pipe dreams like she’s listening to a child babble nonsensically. Once they’ve finished, she calmly tells them, “No, no, no. You misunderstood. I’m not surrendering. You are.” And then she opens up her pokeball, Drogon comes out, they free Viserion and Rhaegal and the three dragons and Mama Targaryen rain fire and destruction upon their enemies.
I mean, honestly. What did they expect? They knew what she did to Krazynys. Dany does not surrender. Especially not to a man. And she trusted Grey Worm and Missandei enough to leave them with the Masters while Grey Worm, who has been Lukeworm (heh) all season, did this glorious bit of knife work:
Yea, suck it, Daario. You are like 15th fiddle right now. Sure, sure. You rode the khalasar into Meereen but you guys were kind of an afterthought. Dany had the situation hella under control.
After Dany went to the playground and stole all the other kids toys, she received the Greyjoys children, who were a little freaking late to the party. Dany is intrigued by Asha Yara and Theon, while Tyrion is suspicious as hell, prodding Theon’s wounds every chance he gets. Theon handles it all like a professional because no one can hurt Theon more than he’s already hurt himself. As is the Greyjoy way. After everyone dumps all over their daddies in celebration of Father’s Day, Dany and Yara make a pact to support one another and I’ll be honest, with all the smirks and stares, I half-expected Dany to seal the deal with a kiss. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Wynonna Earp, but I’m not sad about hoping for it. Heh. Daario you’ve been replaced in every way.
Winterfell
Oh good old god, where do I even begin? This was a battle that’s been over a year in the making. We’ve been hyped for the battle outside Winterfell since Stannis unceremoniously fell in battle to 20 good men. Or whatever B team Ramsay sent after the men Stannis managed to muster. Jon and his council meet with Ramsay on the battle field and Jon’s all, “1v1 me, bro.” Ramsay isn’t so stupid as to fight Jon in single combat, not when he has the better odds in a battle. Sansa leaves the meeting and tells Ramsay that he will die tomorrow. I cheer and then realize that the only thing that would have been better would be if she had called him Lord Snow. MAN would that have gotten under his skin.
At the war council, Jon, Davos, and Tormund come up with a plan to handle the fact that they’re sorely outnumbered. Sansa comes in later and tells Jon NOT to do what Ramsay wants him to do. And then finally, Jon goes to Melisandre and she tells him to not lose. To sum up, the Starks’ plan for battle is thus: Be patient and let Ramsay come to them; don’t fall for Ramsay’s games; don’t lose.
AND THEN JON PROCEEDS TO LISTEN TO NONE OF THAT SHIT.
I understand that the Starks are all noble and shit and Jon still has some lingering issues with being unable to save Robb, but that heroism is what gets y’all KILLED more than any other house in Westeros.
On the battlefield, Ramsay does Ramsay and you gotta hand it to Iwan Rheon, he does crazy eye better than anyone I’ve ever seen. Someone better check his house and make sure he doesn’t have a closet full of hobo fingers or a room dedicated to his birds or an active AOL account. The Bastard of Bolton releases baby Rickon, who’s like 2 inches shorter than full-grown Ramsay, and we’ve seen this chase before. Rickon runs in a straight line while Ramsay plays tag with a long bow. Look, I know in the books that Rickon is supposed to be like six years old, but that dude on the show is damn near old enough to drive. SERPENTINE, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE. YOU DESERVE TO DIE.
Rickon dies and Jon is all, “Oh shit this is what Sansa was talking about” but it’s too late because his dumb ass has a choice of getting an arrow to the face or getting a cavalry to the everything. Ultimately, he chooses cavalry.
The battle ensues with Tormund leading the charge and it’s gross. I don’t mean like “ew icky my shoes are dirty.” I mean, there’s blood, dirt, and human excrement coated on every soldier’s face and it’s forming a paste. The battle was shot beautifully, one of the best medieval-style fights I’ve ever seen, horrific and exhilarating all at once. I could go into detail about all the wonderful parts, the single shot of the chaos reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan, the slaughter of absolutely everyone who isn’t a named character, the brutality, the hopelessness, the crazed look in everyone’s eyes, but I won’t. Just go watch the scene. It’s absolutely gripping television and even I don’t have snark to give (a first, I assure you).
But by far the most horrific moment was watching Jon Snow suffocate under his own men. For the first time in a long time, I was gripped with a fear that I might watch a character I’ve grown to love die unceremoniously. I know I said he had to survive the episode at the beginning, but during that scene, I could feel him gasping for air and it made me uncomfortable. When it finally rose up from the sea of bodies, it wasn’t a hero ready to triumph over evil moment. It was simply an act of pure instinct, the need to survive took over and Jon Snow fought to live. Goodness, I love watching this battle.
And in the end, Rohan’s army the Vale’s army rode in, Sansa and Littlefinger at its helm to save the day. Jon Snow beat the ever-loving piss out of Ramsay Bolton, leading to one of the most beautiful sights we’ve seen on Game of Thrones in a long time:
“Battle of the Bastards” was definitely a fight between two bastard sons, but more so, it was about the journey of the women in the show and their rise to power. Yara and Dany made a pact with one another and Sansa, my baby girl Sansa, outshined every other person on the show. When faced with her rapist, her monster of a husband, she held her head high and said the words she knew would crush him:
“Your words will disappear. Your house will disappear. Your name will disappear. All memory of you will disappear.”
No one will remember you or your cruelty. God, she’s good. And that smirk at the end while Ramsay was eaten alive by his own dogs belied the darkness that hides within her, that darkness that isn’t afraid to rise up and play the game. At the end of season two, Sansa smiled similarly when she realized she wouldn’t have to wed the monster Joffrey. At the end of “Battle of the Bastards” she smiled because she went up against a monster and won.
Random Thoughts
The conversation between Dany and Tyrion at the beginning of the episode may have been my favorite moment with Tyrion all season (minus the dragon bit, ofc). He’s clearly intimidated by her and respects her enough at the same time to offer sound advice. I enjoyed his anxious stammer and attempt at a light-hearted discussion of “Meereen on the rise.”
I want to point out in the conversation with Dany that Tyrion mentions the wildfire and all of its known locations, “the Red Keep, the guild halls, the Sept of Baelor, all the major thoroughfares”. It’s a weapon that can melt wood, stone, steel, and even flesh. BUT THE BIGGEST THING TO NOTE with wildfire is that even Tyrion doesn’t know where they all are. And wildfire, for those who don’t know, becomes more unstable the longer it sits. It frightens even Tyrion to be too close to it. We know from next week’s preview that Cersei and Loras finally have their trials, but I don’t think Cersei plans to attend her trial. I think she intends to burn the Sept of Baelor, but it backfires and sets off a chain of events, burning King’s Landing to the ground.
There were so many beautiful shots in this episode, so much better than Arya and the tumbling pile of oranges from last week. Some highlights for me were:
Jon prepared to fight against the entire Bolton army and die a hero.
Jon rising up from the crowd.
The overhead shots of the battle.
Dany flying over Meereen on Drogon.
And ESPECIALLY Davos standing at Shireen’s grave.
Jon punching Ramsay into unconscious oblivion was such a cathartic moment until you realize that the reality of filming the scene was actually more like this:
We’re back and in this week’s episode of 12 Monkeys, the show takes us to Berlin in 1961 where we discover the origins of Olivia and the 12 Messengers. It’s a time when there was a lot of heightened tension during the Cold War and Team Splinter find themselves right in the middle of the action.
But first we start off in 2016 Berlin, Olivia visits an abandoned facility with one of her minions. Still wheelchair bound and recovering from her injuries, she explains to her attendant that this is place was where a great betrayal happened many years ago.
In 2044, Ramse and Cassie argue with Cole and Jones about going to Berlin in 1961 to find former Nazi scientist Dr. Isaac Kirschner (played by the fantastic Matt Frewer) because of a CIA report they found noting Titan and The Witness. Though much of the report was redacted. Meanwhile, Cole wants to find a primary in 1957 to save their life and hopefully to undo the storms in their present. After an intense argument, Ramse does a 180 degree turn and says that he’s willing to go with Cole’s plan instead prompting a confused Cassie.
But the former scav isn’t really giving up, instead he convinces Adler to help him and Cassie to program the jump for 1961 instead.
The three time travelers splinter back to the past, but as Cole is roofied by his compatriots, realization dawns upon him that that they aren’t actually in 1957. He wakes up to find himself alone inside room 607 and decides to contact FBI Agent Gale for help. Gale meets him at the Emerson and says that Cassie and Ramse had used fake passports and landed in Berlin about an hour ago. Cole asks for the agent’s help since he’s broke and doesn’t speak German and eventually the other man heeds the call to adventure. Gale makes an interesting comment though that he’s known the chrononaut for a long time, but Cole is confused because this is only their second meeting. So that leads me to believe that they’ll meet again in Gale’s past/Cole’s future.
Meanwhile Cassie and Ramse track Kirschner to an opera in Berlin where they attempt to nab he doctor before lethal Mossad agents beat them to it. Unfortunately they are cornered and are captured themselves along with the former Nazi scientist. As they are being interrogated, Cassie tries to explain that the just want to ask the doctor about a place called Titan and a man who calls himself The Witness and that’s it. The Mossad agents understandably want to know who they are actually working as the CIA had never heard of them. Thankfully, Cole and Gale arrive in time for the rescue.
Cole tells Ramse that they stupidly created their own clue because he saw the full CIA report and that the only reason Titan and The Witness are mentioned is because they had said it while they were being interrogated. Whoops. Cassie is hell bent on getting information though and proves to Cole that they aren’t just blinded by revenge when they see the all too familiar necklace with the Titan symbol on Kirschner’s neck.
The scientist then reveals that as a young man he was approached by a mysterious figure who had witnessed many things. This person told him about the coming plague, the Berlin Wall, and that he would be asked to do terrible things by the Nazis. He also said that he was brought a woman who was different from anyone else, genetically perfect (Vivian!). Gale puts together that Kirschner must have been the person who responsible for creating the 12 Messengers through his research. Fearing for his life, the scientist agrees to take them to his lab to show them his work but first they must somehow get through the wall.
Gale takes them to a section of the Berlin wall that was supposed to be unprotected but now a number of troops were patrolling it to prevent anyone from sneaking in or out. Ramse goes first and manages to move one of the wood panels to make an opening and then Cassie and Kirchner were to follow next. Except that the damn doctor trips and the soldiers begin shooting. Gale tells Cole to go while he covers him, saying that when he sees his granddaughter all he sees his a dead girl and there isn’t a damn thing he can do about it, but Cole can. The FBI agent sacrifices his own life and Team Splinter gets away with Kirschner taking them to an all too familiar facility.
When they get there, the he tells them that if what they say is true then they shouldn’t be weakened by sympathy when they see his research. Surprise it turns out to be a little girl! The child is locked inside a brick room within the room itself and she comes close to the glass window calling Kirschner “father” and asks if he’s come to say goodbye like Mother said he would. Team Splinter definitely wasn’t prepared for this scenario but it makes sense. The scientist had been able to create this young girl to be stronger, immune from diseases, etc. through the genetic material he received from the female messenger Vivian (also Pallid Man’s mom). Soon enough she arrives with her goons and shoots Kirschner, taking the young girl away to safety.
Amidst the gunfight, Ramse sees the big word of The Witness map and as they are being pulled back to 2044, he grabs the coordinates of Titan’s location before splintering. Once they are all back in the future Cole has Whitley lock Ramse and Cassie up for sabotaging the original mission to stop the primary from being paradoxed in 1957 through the help of Dr. Adler. Earlier, Adler had admitted that he had helped the two out of anger and frustration that Jones had not fulfilled her end of the bargain and saved all of them from the plague that took his son. Cassie tries to plead with Cole that they can still fix this but Cole says that there is no we anymore. Ouch.
Back in the past, Vivian brings the little girl to her new home and we discover that she is in fact, young Olivia. The female messenger gives her the necklace that was pardoxed back in season one and tells her how she has a purpose. In 2016, the grown up Olivia gets up from her wheelchair and walks out on her own two feet. We then cut to her speaking to the bust of a statue, angrily saying she had told her that The Witness would never abandon her but she lied. Olivia chooses to end her place in the cycle today as she leaves the necklace with the Titan symbol and seemingly abandons the Army of the 12 Monkeys.
Olivia’s origin story is fascinating as she came into being only because time travel itself exists. She was created through Vivian (one of the time traveling Messengers) who later on will be created from her. A question of who came first, the chicken or the egg? But at least now we know why Pallid Man and herself don’t seem to age, they are both genetically modified to be stronger, disease resistant, slow to age, and fast to heal. Essentially PM, Olivia, and the Messengers are Wolverine minus the adamantium and claws.
“Fatherland” sets us up for the final three episodes of the season, which undoubtedly will be full of unexpected twists and turns. Now that mission 1957 didn’t happen, will Team Splinter be able to save themselves from the time storm? Or are they all doomed by Ramse, Cassie, and Adler’s actions?
Final thoughts:
Deacon admitting to Cassie before she splintered that he had feelings for her and then being rejected was so awkward, but also you had the feels. We luv you Tearsy McTearson!
It’s so fun to see relationships between characters change as temporary new alliances are formed due to changes in circumstances (aka Ramse & Cassie).
Can’t help but sympathize for Dr. Adler because while Jones got her child back, his son is still dead and so he wants to find another solution. He’s the biggest underdog on the show and I’m rooting for him!
Now that Olivia has appeared to have left the Army of the 12 Monkeys, where will she go and what will she do? Interestingly enough she now must find a new purpose like Jennifer. I’m sure this won’t be the last we’ll see of her.
Alisen Down’s performance was fantastic in this episode! Bravo.
The show puts a lot of emphasis on family, both the ones you are genetically related to as well as the one you create yourself.
Until next week! Here’s the promo for episode 11, the first in the 3 part finale for season 2.
Note: We don’t discuss any of the major spoilers for Wynonna Earp.
We’re in the home stretch of Wynonna Earp’s freshman season and ho boy has it been a wild ride. I went into the show with low expectations and came out the other side touting it as one of my favorite shows of the year. A lot of that is due in part to the fantastic actors on the show, including Kate Drummond, who plays Agent Lucado, a hard-nosed, by-the-books agent in the Black Badge division. Essentially, her job is to boss Dolls around and make him feel bad about his “drug habit.”
I had the opportunity to talk to Kate about her character in Wynonna Earp, what it’s like being on such a female-driven show, and I tried my best to tease spoilers out of her for the finale.
A few things about Kate because I’m nosy and these are the things I ask about in interviews: 1. She swears nearly as much as I do and that should make everyone fall in love right off the bat. 2. She’s also a voice actor and has also done work in video games like The Division and Splinter Cell: Blacklist.3. She was a teacher before becoming an actress so she’s basically a trifecta of smart, sugar-sweet, and vulgar. 4. She said I was a great person, so we have that on the record, INTERNET.
Without further ado…
Kate, let’s talk Wynonna Earp. I’ll start you off easy. Tell me about your character, Agent Lucado.
Agent Lucado is an awesome character to play. As a member of Black Badge, I think some people view Lucado as an enemy. Maybe she is, but I guess it’s all in who you’re rooting for. She’s popped in for a few episodes, to sort of piss in the punch bowl, so to speak.
Nice.
Emily Andras said it really well: Lucado is your “company gal”, keeping all the checks and balances in order, keeping things professional and by the book. Well, by her book.
Of which she probably has several.
Yes, definitely. Depending on the day of the week. It’s so hard because we’ve only seen a snippet of her and I don’t want to give away any spoilers.
I won’t tell anyone. This is a private conversation between friends. And Twitter.
Oh, I’m sure.
What can you tease about the show’s finale? I will try to not get you into trouble.
I am so tempted to go BLAH and spill but I can’t. I’m so afraid to spoil and then I’d have Melanie Scrofano all over my ass. And no one wants to get on her bad side. I’m just kidding–she’s a sweetheart.
As Dolls’ supervisor, I think Lucado’s sort of this looming presence over Dolls’ shoulder. She’s ambitious but she’s not unlike every other character on the show. Lucado has a broken past that is heavily guarded by her strength of character. In the finale we see a lot more of her and we start to understand how complicated the history is between Lucado and Dolls. It’s more heavily implied that there is this competition between them in that she got the promotion, he didn’t. I’m not sure I can say much else.
Can we expect big battle sequences? Are we going to finally learn what the deal is with Dolls’ yellow eye situation? I need more, Kate.
I think you’re going to have the rug pulled from under your feet. Is that the expression? You might get the wind knocked out of you a bit. It’s not a twist, per se, it’s just that some characters are finally brought to their breaking point.
Is that character Agent Lucado?
I can’t say.
Tease. But for real, between just us friends, if Waverly dies, I’m revolting.
I haven’t said anything about a death. I’m just saying that the season finale is RIDICULOUS. I can tell you that it’s going to make that cry for renewal even louder. I can’t say anything more. You’ll have to get me drunk first. That’s when I spill the secrets.
Okay, note to self: Get Kate drunk and hide her from Melanie Scrofano. Got it.
Haha, exactly.
Well then, tell me about the end of the season, in the least spoilerific way possible.
As the season comes to an end–I’m so sad I can say those words–we start to understand more of where Lucado comes from. She’s a real character who brings a lot of baggage to the table. And as I’ve said, there’s an encounter in the finale that elaborates more on that history.
What was it like playing Lucado?
I loved playing the role. I hesitate using the words “strong woman” because I love playing real women; women who speak their minds, who are intelligent, who have no issue standing up to any gender, male or female. I love when there’s no shyness of asserting oneself and I especially love when there’s a backstory that gives my character a reason to stand even taller in their foundation. Lucado embodies a lot of this for me. I feel like her brokenness is heavily guarded by this strength she shows.
And how is it being on a show that is just littered with these real female characters?
It’s such a freaking honor. You know, it’s funny. Sometimes women scare me in real life. We’re all so complicated and when you get a group of them together you never know what’s going to happen. But I love the fact that this group of actresses are so closely knit and fighting for the same thing. They all want to tell the most truthful story and to represent their characters as best they can, while also giving props to each other constantly. This is such a solid group of people that I feel ridiculously honored to be a part of it. I love this show; I love supporting it; I love seeing these relationships develop; I just love seeing women do well. For me, it’s just such a huge honor to be one of MANY in such a huge group of real women.
Emily Andras said on Twitter that even the bear from episode eight was a female, so it’s definitely awesome as a fan to watch a show that touts itself as being part of “casual feminism.” I love it. Even with Agent Lucado, you can sense that strength in her, especially when she intimidates Dolls, who doesn’t seem like a man who gets put off guard easily.
It’s a really cool position for me to be in, too, to be able to reverse the dynamics a bit with the woman taking power and adding to that, this sort of sarcastic condescension toward Dolls is really fun to play. It’s awesome because you want to cheer for all the women in this series. There’s something relatable about all of them. I think that the writers created such solid, real characters, that the audience has quickly identified with at least one of them on the show.
Yes, and it’s up to us as fans to prop up these shows with the characters we love, to give them the spotlight they deserve so that hopefully more like it will follow.
Yes! And the fans have been fantastic. I’ve sat in on some of the live-tweeting and I’m so grateful that the audience has been coming out and vocally supporting the show. I don’t think Wynonna Earp is a show that’s just about “rah rah feminism”. I think it’s a show that finally grasps the concept that women can be in lead roles and carry a show and do it in a fucking amazing way. I think that’s what this show is. It’s not boys vs. girls. Look at this ensemble! It’s built of men and women, of all different sexual orientations, and they all kick ass in their own way.
What else have you got going on right now, Kate?
I’m about to film the next two movies in the Flower Shop Mystery series on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries as Nikki Bender. They’re really great family friendly movies with strong female roles. I love being a part of the series. On top of that, a video game role I can’t discuss right now. But hopefully soon I can add Wynonna Earp’s second season to that list.
AHA! So if you hope to be in the second season, your character is still alive by the end of the finale!
OH JESUS. YOU’RE TOO GOOD. It’s funny because I sent Emily Andras an email beforehand and said, “I’m going to be interviewing today so let me know if there’s anything I can’t say. Speak now or forever hold your Peace…maker.”
And that’s when Jen stole coined the phrase, “Speak now or forever hold your Peacemaker.” YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
Wynonna Earp’s season one finale airs this Friday on Syfy at 10pm EST.
This week on ‘Outlander’: Claire once again makes use of her “poor, hostage English woman” routine and a few old friends return.
Spoilers through Outlander 211: “Vengeance is Mine”. It’s getting to final few episodes of the season, so if you aren’t caught up, now’s the time!
After the victory of last week’s “Prestonpans” battle, things are a bit more solemn for the Frasers in Outlander’s eleventh episode, “Vengeance is Mine”. The Scottish Jacobites have won nearly every battle in the north without running into the main forces of the English army and because of how easy the fight has been so far, Prince Charles’s generals are suspicious of pushing forward into London, uncertain they could hold the city, even if it is only 5 days away. Jamie protests this act passionately because he knows that once the Highlanders withdraw from their well-earned territories, it signs their death warrant at Culloden. Yet, he’s alone in the knowledge of the future and the Prince’s general decide to exile him, his passionate mouth, and the rest of Lallybroch’s forces to Inverness, where they will be used for supply gathering.
And so the group begins their journey north again, with a beleaguered Rupert definitely missing his toothless best friend, Angus. I’ll be honest, I never held much stock in either character; they were sweet and protective with the best intentions and I adored their fondness for Claire, but seeing Rupert without Angus is heartbreaking. He mentions him almost every time he speaks, to both strangers and friends, and it’s like watching a pair of lovebirds separated from their mate. He doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. Fighting is his purpose now, and that’s a dangerous road for him to follow.
On the road to Inverness, the Frasers are set upon by a group of redcoats who follow them through the woods, managing to hit already grief-stricken Rupert in the eye with a musket ball. After some trickery with riding around through the woods, they manage to escape and find sanctuary within an abandoned church. Claire tends to an injured Rupert and manages to save him, making a quip about a pirate patch. I love these moments in the show where Claire not only gets to show off her smart tongue, but hints that she’s still very much an outsider. Her swears and references to tetanus shots and pirates are all welcome additions that add so much to her character.
However, their peace in the church doesn’t last long as the redcoats manage to track them down yet again, leaving them trapped in the church with the threat of either surrendering or being burned alive. Every character defaults to their go-to reaction in this sort of situation: Jamie is ready to surrender himself to save the others, Dougal is eager to fight, even die, and Rupert just wants a stiff drink. Claire, naturally, makes use of her English heritage, and plays the “I’m a hostage” card, yet again. I mean, I’m not one for messing with a winning routine, but at some point that trick is bound to fail right?
Much to Jamie’s dismay, everyone else agrees to Claire surrendering herself and he can’t even take her out himself because he’s Red Jamie, the highlander with a price on his head. Claire pretends to faint and pulls the damsel in distress card and then rides off with the redcoats. Jamie and Murtaugh follow close behind while the rest of the group makes for Inverness.
Once in town, the redcoats feed her, but then tell her they’re taking her a house in Belmont where she’ll stay until they can figure out just what to do with her. Since Jamie won’t know where she’s going, she begins to panic, only to run into Hugh Munro, the old mute friend of Jamie, who she subtly tells to find Jamie.
Once in Belmont, Claire realizes she is at the home of the Duke of Sandringham and it’s quite the uncomfortable moment between the two. There’s no love lost between them, both shrewd enough to realize that they’ll never fully trust the other. The Duke confesses he’s essentially being held under house arrest due to his Jacobite sympathizer tendencies. And because of this, his home is now a pit stop for the redcoats, where they can do as they please. To ensure his loyalties to the crown, the Duke has also promised his goddaughter, Mary Hawkins to a Mr. Granger, as part of the bargain to prove he is not a Jacobite. But the Duke confides that he wants out of the house and if Jamie is going to rescue Claire, he had better rescue the Duke as well. So when Claire sends a message to Jamie, she conceals it in Gaelic (the best she can) and sends it off with a messenger to find Hugh once again.
Mary Hawkins is happy to have Claire back in her life. She doesn’t want to marry Mr. Granger and she, too, wants Claire to find a way to get her out of the arrangement. After an encounter with the Duke’s servant, Claire recognizes the birth mark on his hand and realizes that the Duke was the one responsible for Mary’s rape and the attempt on Claire’s life. The Duke tries to explain it away as a simple misunderstanding, that he was only meant to scare the girls enough to pay back his debt to the Comte St. Germain, but Claire is buying any of the bullshit he’s peddling. She tries to escape but the Duke locks her in her room.
Mary later comes in and Claire explains that Jamie rescuing them is a trap, meant to benefit the Duke. Mary helps Claire escape to the kitchen, but unfortunately the Duke is waiting for her. Luckily, Mary is able to get a quick message off to Munro before being caught herself. There’s a standoff in the kitchen where Claire proclaims that the Duke is responsible for Mary’s rape and Mary doesn’t take the news well. Jamie and Murtaugh burst in, as they are wont to do, and “handle” the situation. Mary, full of rage, stabs the Duke’s servant, killing him, and Murtaugh kills Sandringham, chopping at his head a bit too many times for everyone else’s liking. Murtaugh then presents the Duke’s head to Claire and Mary as an apology for what happened that night in Paris. He said that he would get revenge for what happened to them and he did.
“Vengeance is Mine” is a very good episode, written by Diana Gabaldon herself. From start to finish it’s an exhilarating race that wasn’t expected, what with the whole war going on in Scotland. Simon Callow stands miles above everyone else with his oftentimes farcical depiction of the Duke of Sandringham, but he’s sogood at it that you cannot help but love every moment he’s on screen. I’ll be sad to have him gone.
Random thoughts
I’ve loved the portrayal of Mary Hawkins so far. She’s a young girl who is thrown into a frightening world of politics and arranged marriages and then she’s raped, ruining her chances for a good marriage while also halting the chance for real romance with Alex Randall. Then she realizes a man she trusted is responsible for that horrible act against her, so she takes her revenge, but it’s hollow.
The Duke without his wig was brilliant. Wonderful.
I love the tiny moments of humor in the show. Murtaugh insulting Claire’s paltry attempt at Gaelic (“She even misspelled ‘help'”) and Claire playing dentist, throwing her leg up on the bench and asking, “Right, who’s next?” Both were just such classic moments that I’m so glad we get ones like them every week. Outlander is certainly a drama, but it does have moments of genuine humor and I’m grateful for that.
Jamie praying for Claire’s safety in Gaelic was also a highlight. Sam Hueghan’s voice drops about two octaves when he speaks in Gaelic and that does things to me, but it was also nice to see how he treats Claire when she’s not looking. He loves this woman and my heart aches for their eventual separation.
This week on Wynonna Earp: Bobo does origami, Willa remembers more of her past, and mother of god Wynonna in that red dress is doing things to me.
Spoilers through episode 12 of Wynonna Earp, “House of Memories.” And there are some spoilers, kidlings. Lots and lots of spoilers.
I can’t even wrap my head around words after that episode of Wynonna Earp. What the what is going down in Purgatory right now? I don’t even know. My heart’s all atwitter and I’m scared for the season finale and look, I’m not going to be able to get my feelings straight, okay?
The episode starts off in the best way possible, with Wynonna punching Whisky Jim in the teeth. But Willa isn’t okay with just violence; she want answers and Jim’s not too keen on giving them, what with his whole tied up situation he’s got going on. But Willa has no chill…
And decides to just shoot Whisky Jim/Bourbon Bob with Peacemaker. She’s come a long way from that timid little girl who got whanged in the head with a chamber pot and I can’t say I entirely trust that kind of anger, but hey, Earp girls have their issues. Willa’s issue is just killing people whenever she doesn’t get what she wants. I don’t think Purgatory is the kind of place that encourages regular therapy sessions, but maybe for Willa they should make an exception.
Dollface is all, “Don’t worry, I can help. I know how to hypnotize people.” And Wynonna is like, “Yea, it’s all making sense now.” Willa sees visions that we’ve already seen a few dozen times now, Papa Earp being dragged away and then shot. Nothing too ground-breaking there, but for Willa it’s like she’s seeing it for the first time and she gets emotional. I don’t buy it. YOU HEAR ME. That girl has too much anger in her heart to care about “Daddy.” ANYWAY. Willa heads home to walk in on #WayHaught being fucking ADORABLE and playing doctor and she’s like the one person in the world who isn’t all aboard the S.S. WayHaught, which is a travesty, but hey, all good ships have to deal with pirates eventually and this is just another test on the High Seas of Romance.
Okay, I admit that’s a terrible metaphor. I’m not changing it.
Waverly is SERIOUSLY too nice to Willa in that exchange, especially when Willa is all, “Oh was I a bitch again?” YES, YES YOU WERE. YOU LEAVE OFFICER HAUGHT ALONE YOU MONSTER.
Back at the police station, Wynonna suggests that maybe Doc-stache tried to kill Dollface and Dolls is all, “Nah, he’d bring the dynamite himself.” AND HOW CUTE IS IT THAT DOLLFACE IS DEFENDING DOC TO WYNONNA. Then Wynonna mentions casually that the Machetes have a chapter in Purgatory and she totally doesn’t know them or anything just she heard from a friend of a friend about them and you are being suss AF right now, Wynonna. Nedley then barges in on their t-shirt design meeting and says there’s some bikers being all nefarious and shit so maybe the wonder duo should check it out.
Bobo gets a nice shave and WHAT IS IT about villains and needing a good shave from their underlings?
Bobo then snacks on some poor woman’s blood and my feelings for him are starting to waver.
At the Homestead, Waverly and Nicole share a moment in the barn and THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE. THEY ARE KISSING AND IT IS ADORABLE AND LOOK AT THEM. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
SHE DID THE HAIR THING.
Ahem. Is it hot in here? Just me? Okay, well, the moment doesn’t last too long because Willa “Buzzkill” Earp interrupts them and this happens:
Willa: “Sorry. Wow, Wynonna never said anything about you…being a…a gay.” Waverly: “…” Willa: “Oh, geez. You haven’t told her.” Nicole: “I have to go.”
OH MY GOD NICOLE YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE YOUR BABY UNICORN HANGIN’ LIKE THAT. THAT’S HORRIBLE GAYTIQUETTE.
Nicole leaves and Waverly instantly turns on Willa; all that sweetness she had before in the kitchen is out the gorram window. FRESH OUT OF SUGAR. Wavylays reminds Will.I.Aint that she was kind of a jerk as a kid and I’m not really sure where Wavylays was going with that story, but HECK YEA STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Tell her off for ruining that steamy moment.
Back to our revenant-fighting duo, Wynonna and Dolls break into the biker gang palace and Dolls punches a dude in the stomach for littering. He is the embodiment of the “LITTER AND IT WILL HURT” campaign. Inside, the pair gets into a bit of a tussle and just as Wynonna is about to put down a revenant, Peacemaker decides to go all limp on her and not fire. It’s okay, little buddy. Happens to the best of us.
They learn that Judge Cryderman is behind the attack on Dollface and when they find him, he’s trying to kill himself. He confesses that Bobo is having a shindig and everyone is invited, which is totally not suspicious at all. I mean, Dolls, I know you have a love for fashion but could you tone down the “I’LL GET THE DRESSES” a smidge?
Poor Doc finally makes his appearance and we learn who clocked him in the noggin, one of Bobo’s goons who did really well in Chemisty class. He’s experimenting on humans and it’s going well enough that Doc’s mustache is quivering. Doc tries on his best Wynonna impersonation, making snarky comments when his life is on the line, and it works well enough for him to earn the trust of Bobo’s chatty and creepy minion.
Doc teaches him how to throw a knife and Bubba teaches him how to kill while still making everything smell like peaches. Thankfully, Doc puts those knife skills to work and escapes before he can become the next little rabbit.
Will.I.Aint goes for a little stroll and stumbles upon Bobo, again, and the two share a moment. There is DEFINITELY something going on between these two and I’m kind of skeeved out by the possibility of Bobo romancing a 14-year-old girl. I GUESS it was an okay thing to do when Bobo was still human, but come on, man. Anyway, Wavylays shows up and apologizes for calling Willa a bitch, in her head. Only Waverly would apologize for things she’s THOUGHT and not actually said.
The pair head out in search of the lost origami swan’s home and find a gigantic treehouse in the middle of a field. Now, I’m not one to question the realism of a science fiction show, but 1. there’s no way that tree can realistically hold up a tree house that large, I’ve tried, and 2. NO ONE saw that thing from miles away and thought to inspect it?
Inside, Willa has an epiphany and remembers everything that happened to her, but she doesn’t quite take the time to fill in poor, confused Wavicorn. Basically, she was a prisoner in that tree house until Constance showed up and wiped her memories, but now, Willa remembers, and soon, someone is going to pay for the things she’s suffered. Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know her life. But she’s acting awful nice now and I know I don’t trust that shit.
The party kicks off and every single person on the show looks fucking FABULOUS. Dolls is killing me with his eyes, Waverly looks like a damn mermaid, and Wynonna, whoa, Wynonna.
Willa raises her voices about 3 octaves and that’s a red flag there’s some shady shit going down. Why Waverly is the only one perceptive enough to notice is beyond me. Dollface, you are supposed to be trained in these kinds of shenanigans and you’re all, SURE LET’S DRINK SOME BUBBLY. LET’S BUY SOME DRESSES. WHO WANTS TO KISS ME.
Wynonna shares with everyone a letter she hid years ago that details some of the stipulations of the Earp curse. If the Earp heir willingly leaves Purgatory with a revenant, the curse is broken, but the revenants escape the Ghost River Triangle. Ward Earp tried to make that deal with Bobo (AKA Robert, ew) years ago, but then Wynonna got in the way and the revenants took Willa as insurance.
The good times come to a screeching halt when Champ decides to get all jealous and woman-hatey, taking out his frustrations on WayHaught, but before he can finish his grand speech, he starts to choke on his own bullshit. Nicole arrests him because FUCK YEA SHE DOES.
Wynonna, of course still oblivious to babygirl unicorn, is having a moment with Dolls. And I mean, she’s having a realmoment. Not only is she getting all vulnerable but she’s telling him that without Peacemaker and without being the Heir, she doesn’t know who she is. Dollface tells her she’s more than “just a girl” and confesses to Wynonna that he needs her. Well, with all the hotness he’s been dropping lately, OF COURSE Wynonna kisses him. And then OF COURSE Doc sees it, just as he’s about to be a hero, and my heart fucking SINKS. This is a love triangle where I truly have a hard time deciding which side I love more, but uggghhhhhhhhhhh I can’t handle a heartbroken Doc.
And like a friggin’ hero, Doc does his duty, not acting out, not confronting Wynonna or making a scene, but he respects Wynonna’s decision and moves on. He smells the peaches and reacts accordingly, telling them not to drink the champagne, but it’s too late. Most of the town is already drunk and poisoned. Thankfully, none of our lovelies drank the stuff.
Bobo finally makes an appearance and loudly tells everyone that “Oopsies the champagne is poisoned, but you can have the antidote if you bring me Wynonna Earp, dead or alive.” Well, shit.
Somewhere on the outside of town, Willa and Bobo meet up and I FUCKING CALLED IT. YOU CREEP. HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME. I MEAN, *ahem* how dare you seduce a child! You monster!
Willa calls him Robert (gross) and they walk down the street, leaving Purgatory writhing in pain.
Random thoughts
WHAT. THE. WHAT. WILLA YOU CHEAT. I TRUSTED YOU. I DEFENDED YOU TO THE INTERNET. HOW COULD YOU.
This was BY FAR the best episode of the series and that’s saying a lot because Wynonna Earp has had some really solid episodes in its first season.
I know I shouldn’t and I know there’s some darkness in him, but I LOVE Doc. After this episode, I’m solidly #TeamDoc. Dolls and Wynonna have awesome banter, but damn do I love Doc.
It would be SO EASY and SO CLICHE for this show to kill off Nicole. In any other show, I’d have expected it by this point, but THANK THE ALMIGHTY GODS that Wynonna Earp is not like every other show. They respect the fans enough to not do that shit.
Seriously, this show needs to get renewed already.
Person of Interest Season 5 Episode 12: “.exe” Tuesday, May 14, 2016
In this week’s Person of Interest “.exe” The Machine shows Harold a glimpse of what life would have been like if she never existed while Team Machine attempts to save the world.
Two Disclaimers:
1)Please be aware, this is a recap, and basically everything that follows contains spoilers.
2)I am very confused about this computer virus thing. I have seen every episode of this show, and watch it carefully but there are still things I am very confused about. The reason I am saying this is I may be misunderstanding what Harold is exactly doing or stealing, so if I misspeak I apologize.
So with that out of the way, let’s begin:
Harold is sitting in the dark talking to Machine-Root about the world’s most deadly computer virus that he is attempting to steal. He again wonders out loud at what the world would have looked like if he did not create the machine. In order to get Harold to shut up and stop whining The Machine decides to show Harold, with 96.8% certainty, exactly what the world would have looked like if she was never created.
Harold Simulation: Well without The Machine, Nathan is alive, and he and Harold are living the high life as one percenters. Harold doesn’t have a limp, and he never met Grace because, if you remember, The Machine brought them together. Harold is still single, has given up on love and wonders what life would have been like if they had succeeded in making The Machine (this is getting kind of meta). Nathan assures him that “if the government wants a system like that, they will have it someday… if they don’t have it already.” So true Nathan, so true.
The simulation has to stop there because Mr. Barnett, the man whose house Harold broke into, is about to arrive. When Mr. Barnett realizes that Harold is there to steal this ICE-9 virus he asks Harold if he plans to take down the internet. Harold is rolls his eyes “The internet? I’m about to take down a GOD!”. As Harold is leaving Mr. Barnett asks Harold who he is:
Harold: “Who am I? I’m just like you Mr. Barnett. I’m the man who sold the world. Only I charged them a dollar.”
I am glad that they didn’t have David Bowie’s Man Who Sold The World playing in the background or I would have started sobbing because it would make me think of this scene of Fringe.
Harold steals Mr. Barnett’s Tesla and The Machine drives him to a private jet. Let me repeat that. THE MACHINE, an ASI, DROVE A CAR. Like I’m not surprised, but I mostly am. Harold’s next piece of business is to shoot a frenchman with tranq-gun, kidnap him, and assume Frenchie’s identity in order to gain access into an NSA facility. This is a dark, dark road you are heading down Harold.
Shaw Simulation: Shaw is in a NYC wearing a cute pair of glasses and a blazer over a white blouse with the top two buttons undone. I have always had a thing for people in glasses, and man, Sarah Shahi in glasses does NOT disappoint.
Okay where was I? Oh yes, Shaw. Shaw is meeting with the Henry Peck, the NSA analyst whose number came up on 1X22 “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.” Peck is still working for the NSA, and is still convinced the government has an all-knowing eye that is spying on them. He is meeting with Shaw, an ‘operative’ for the ‘Office for Special Counsel’ because he is starting to fear for his safety. On a positive note, Peck doesn’t need to fear for his life any more, but on a negative note, the reason is because he is dead. Yup, alternate reality Shaw is still a bad ass military operative who, I’m not sure if I have mentioned this yet, looks so very good in glasses.
After the simulation, The Machine and Harold discuss their feelings
Harold: “It is very distressing, but it makes sense that Ms. Shaw would have continued to work for her previous employer, since they never attempted to kill her.” Machine-Root: “Then she never would have met Root.” Harold: “Or lost her.”
First, The Machine shipping Root and Shaw, my heart can’t take this. But that one sentence “then she would never have met Root” is The Machine understanding the impact Root had on Shaw. That Root made her feel safe. That Root made her feel. Second, oh Harold, how have you become so hard? This line is probably one of the saddest things I have heard Harold say because it shows how numb he has become.
The Machine helps Harold get into the NSA facility by framing a black women for attempting to bring a gun into the facility, but that is as far as The Machine can go. The building is all Faraday caged up, so Harold is on his own for the rest of the way. Harold does pretty well for himself and makes it all the way to uploading the virus on the server, but is stopped just before he could utter the audio password needed to activate the virus.
Meanwhile
Shaw and John return from D.C. to an empty subway and a lonely Bear. DID HAROLD REALLY LEAVE BEAR ALONE THIS WHOLE TIME? Who was taking care of Bear? I need answers! Shaw gives her “hammer” idea of killing everyone in order to find and save Harold but John, the scalpel in this duo, suggests that they need a thought out plan. Before they can discuss this further, the payphone rings with a new number. Who is the number this time? None other than FUCKING GREER! Well his alias at least, but still, all the same. Well, it is official, the Mayhem twins are heading right back to the beltway, and apparently leaving Bear to fend for himself for another full week.
When they arrive in D.C. The Machine sends the coordinates of an NSA facility. After casing the place, they decide the best way in is via the recycling plant next door and they are on their way. And then my favorite Shaw/Reese interaction in the ENTIRE WORLD happens. Shaw finds a way to get into the facility, it is to climb through a small vent/furnace thing. John isn’t feeling this plan at all, and then finally it hits Shaw:
Shaw: “What? You’re claustrophobic?” John: “Just remember what happened to that fat German kid in Willy Wonka.”
This is just gold. First, John being claustrophobic. Second, John referencing the fat German kid from Willy Wonka for his REASON for being claustrophobic. Why is this show ending?!?!?!
They get themselves into the facility, steal some uniforms by knocking out a few soldiers and head upstairs to continue their ASI scavenger hunt. Their scavenger hunt leads them to an evidence room where they find Edward Snowden’s modem. And that is exactly what the Machine wanted them to find.
Back to Harold
So the Samaritan Goons bring Harold to operations HQ to have a talk with Greer. He asks Harold if The Machine is aware that this virus will kill her as well as Samaritan. While Harold admits to not telling her directly he is pretty sure she is smart enough to surmise that shit herself. Samaritan is glad that Harold hasn’t let the virus loose yet because a) Samaritan doesn’t want to die and b) Samaritan doesn’t want The Machine to die. No, they are the only two of their kind alive. ASIs have to stick together man!
Greer: “We’re dragging humanity to a higher plane. An ASI is the only thing that can save this planet. Or get us to another one if need be.” Finch: “Humanity has always managed to survive on their own.” Greer: “With a little help from the gods.”
Wait Samaritan is going to send us to live on another planet? Is this how The 100 started?
Greer compares the upcoming ascension Samaritan is planning to Noah’s arc. Humanity will board the arc two by two. But Samaritan doesn’t want to be the only one of his kind on the arc. He wants a companion too. He plans on taking The Machine as his wife. I think Samaritan also hinted at ASI babies but I am not sure. Either way, this is getting creepy now.
Greer wants Harold to reconsider what he is doing. After the virus kills the ASIs, what then? Um I am pretty sure that is obvious, then the ASI apocalypse is over. Harold says this more eloquently though: “Then we go back to letting humanity determine its own fate.”
During his inspiring speech Harold accidentally tipped his hand by letting it slip that The Machine does not know the password to the virus. And with that information, all of the oxygen starts to escape the room. Greer has made them the ultimate queen’s sacrifice for Samaritan. If Harold dies, then no one can launch the virus.
Greer begins a long monologue about how history will revere them. Greer does so much talking that he expedites his death my wasting so much oxygen. And to make an obvious Hamilton reference: Greer, “Who lives who dies who tells your story?” How will history revere you? No one can tell your story because no one can know about Samaritan.
After Greer dies Harold struggles to get out of the room but does not know the code to get out. Luckily Shaw and Reese were able to complete their end of the job, so The Machine can have access inside the building. Just as Harold is taking his last breaths, The Machine uses a cellphone outside to give Harold the code to exit the death room.
Harold breaks free and after taking a few deep breaths answers the call by Machine-Root
Machine-Root: Harold are you okay? Harold: Yes. Yes, thanks to you. Machine-Root: Don’t thank me, Shaw and the Big Lug found a way in to reconnect us. Aren’t reunions nice?
Oh man, The Machine calling Reese “the big Lug” shows how connected Root and The Machine really were. The Machine tells Harold he has two options. He can either help his friends, or deploy the virus and save the world. And as Harold apparently knows, John has always been living on borrowed time.
John Simulation: Without the Machine, John would be dead, buried in an unmarked grave. While he would have been able to leave the CIA in time to save the love of his life Jessica, doing so would have shown her a dark side of him that she couldn’t unsee. Without Jessica, Harold or Carter to save him, his body would wash up in the East River a few months later.
This is too much for Harold to handle. He wants The Machine to take him to his friends. He gets to Shaw and Reese just in time to save them but the rest, Harold must do alone. He tells them the route they need to safely exit the building before slipping away.
As Harold is walking to the heart of Samaritan, he pleas with The Machine. What should he do? What decision should he make? Nothing that she showed him definitively proved that the world would have been better without her. Only that it would be different. It is then that The Machine shows him one final simulation.
The Root Simulation: Without the machine, Samaritan would have still existed. But without the Machine to keep it in check, it would be in control of everything. It would have creeped into every facet of our lives, of the world. It would eliminate anyone who dared question its vision of the world. But more importantly, without the Machine, Root would be working for Samaritan and still think humans were just bad code. She would not have learned that humans are worthy of compassion. That humanity has value.
With this last simulation, Harold has made his decision, but he hesitates for a moment and The Machine wants to know why:
Harold: I promised you I would never hurt you again. Machine-Root: I know, but in breaking this promise, you’ll be helping to fulfill a much larger one.
My heart. My heart is breaking because of a computer. In this moment, I sort of forgive Harold for being such a douche this season. He has been struggling internally this entire time. Which does he choose: His love for his creation or his love for humanity? He couldn’t accept his love for The Machine because he didn’t want to feel the pain if he ever had to destroy it. But The Machine understands, and that not only comforts Harold but also makes him proud. The thing he created was good. She does value human life, she was everything he could have imagined she would become.
Harold: “My machine? Her purpose has been constant. To protect and save humanity. It’s what she’s doing now.”
Harold called The Machine “she.” Not “it” not “The Machine,” but “she.” Finally he has admitted out loud that she is his child. And in this moment, I just thought of how proud Root would be. How The Machine finally got what she wanted, for Harold to show her the love she felt for him. For Harold to embrace his child. In this moment, Root did not die in vain.
Harold gets ready to disseminate the virus but again pauses before saying the password.
Machine-Root: “Eight letters. Your decision Harold.” Harold: “Eight letters? You knew all along.” Machine-Root: “Maybe I know you better than yourself.” Harold: “Dashwood”
And the virus is live.
Let’s not forget Fusco
Fusco comes into work where there seems to be a lot more activity than usual. He learns that the authorities found that tunnel of dead bodies that blew his ass up a few weeks ago in Queens. As the late great Root would say… “Ruh roh.”
The Fusco simulation: He is a drunk who never got the chance to turn his life around. He is no longer a cop. Actually the only reason he isn’t in jail is because he ratted out HR to the cops. Without the machine Lionel would never have meet anybody who re-calibrated his moral compass. Not Reese and certainly not Carter. Actually Carter is the one that got Lionel kicked off the force. Yup that is right, without the Machine Joss Carter would be alive. She would have taken down HR, become Lt. and married Cal Beecher.
In real life, FBI Agent LeRoux pulls him aside and asks if he knows about this bulletin board he found at the station with the pictures of every dead body found in the tunnel. Fusco starts freaking out, and then outside the station Agent LeRoux knocks him out and brings him to the river to shoot him dead. But Fusco is no Dummy, he was wearing a bulletproof vest so he is alive. At least for now.
Other Things
1) So what did Harold steal last week? It was the virus right or was it the location of the virus and then he went to Barnett’s to steal the virus? But then what is ICE-9? Was the virus or just the password? Also when did Harold make the password for this virus? I am so very confused about this virus!
2) Loved that Shaw was fiddling around with Root’s copy of Sense and Sensibility. The book that Harold used to propose to Grace. And whose main protagonists last name is Dashwood. (Thank you to Kaylen for helping me piece this all together).
Spoilers through all of Game of Thrones. Every part of it. Yea, even that one obscure book fact only you noticed.
This Sunday Game of Thrones is promising us an epic battle unlike any we’ve seen before with “The Battle of the Bastards”. Okay, maybe they haven’t promised that but this is the first battle where it’s truly the good guy against the bad guy and I’m going in with a stupid amount of hope that it ends well. (I’m sure I won’t be let down at all.)
Game of Thrones has a history of epic episode nine’s in the series. You’ve got your “Baelor”, “Blackwater”, “Rains of Castamere”, and “Watchers on the Wall”, all of which were INSANE episodes that helped end each series on a high note.
Recently, I went back and watched “Hardhome” from last year (the best 30 minutes of television Thrones has ever aired), and I think the flow of that battle, along with the ones I mentioned that came before it, can give us some insight into how things might go down in season six’s major battle, “The Battle of the Bastards.” In “Baelor”, our hero Ned was killed; there was so much chaos and destruction in “Blackwater” that it left all sides crippled for the future; “Rains of Castamere” left everyone feeling hollow over the amount of death in one wedding; and “Watchers on the Wall” may have been a victory for the Night’s Watch, but they lost way more than they gained. “Hardhome” was ultimately a loss for Westeros. Like many of the episode nine’s (even though was episode 8), it had kickass moments–Karsi being baller, Jon killing a Walker, Wun-Wun being a giant–but by the end, things felt more helpless than they had before. The White Walkers were an unkillable enemy with numbers growing by the thousands.
I predict we might get one moment, one glimpse of the light that could be for our heroes, maybe even the death of Ramsay, but that by the end of “Battle of the Bastards”, things will be even more dire than Jon’s man bun situation. There have been set photos floating around of a smaller figure tied to a Bolton cross and I suspect that like last season, we might watch the death of another child, Rickon Stark. Ramsay out numbers Jon’s forces. Based on numbers from the book, I’d guess that the Boltons have somewhere around 7,000 men, which would put them at more than double Jon’s numbers, BUT that difference in army size also makes the game more exciting for when/it Littlefinger arrives with aid. It’s not an insurmountable task for Jon and Co. to win the battle but there will be casualties (I’d guess Ser Davos will die) and I suspect by the battle’s end that something more sinister will arrive, like maybe a handful of wights signaling the impending doom of the season finale.
Here’s a visual breakdown of things going on in the “Battle of the Bastards”:
It’s interesting to note that the Hornwoods have declared for Bolton in the books but in the show support Jon. There’s also no mention so far of the Freys (who are the biggest Bolton supporters, giving them 2,000 extra men) and the Manderlys (who are hidden supporters of the Starks). I wonder if any will make appearances in this episode, but it seems unlikely.
I’d also like to speculate (because this is my article and I fucking can) that in the books, Sansa is still in the Vale at this time, and I wonder if she doesn’t spurn the Vale forces into supporting Jon at some point in The Winds of Winter, thus leading to their eventual reunion in the North. Pipe dreams, but hey.
I know that for all my doom and gloom surrounding this battle I have a lot of hope that Sansa and Jon will lead the North again and that’s probably a stupid hope. Knowing Game of Thrones, Jon will die again and Sansa will be a prisoner of either Ramsay or Littlefinger and Ramsay Bolton will go on to become the Prince That Was Promised.
But for now, let’s keep hope alive! SANSA QUEEN IN DA NORF.
After many, many years of campaigning outside my local Barnes & Noble, Universal has finally caved and decided to make a movie of the hit Broadway show, Wicked!.
Not much is known about the movie so far: Stephen Daldry (Billy Elliot, The Reader) is set to direct the film, after many years of trying to get it up and running. Winnie Holzman, writer for the original Broadway book and the genius behind the music, lyricist-composer Stephen Schwartz, are teaming up to write the script.
There’s no word about cast members but I’m sure Lea Michele’s name will be thrown into the ring about a zillion times to play one of the female leads, Elphaba. I’m also sure that Kristen Bell will be the frontrunner to play Galinda. These aren’t mistakes, per se, they’re certainly safe choices, but I’d like see Universal branch out a bit more with their choices.
I’m not saying I’m totally biased and want to see Sutton Foster as either lead female role…
…but I totally want her to be in the film.
Look, Wicked! is one of my favorite Broadway musicals. The first time I saw it live was one of the most magical theater experiences I’ve ever had. I’ve enjoyed the movie adaptations of Les Miserables, Into the Woods, and Rent, but Wicked! is so much closer to my heart than those shows ever were. Wicked! has an amazing soundtrack, a female friendship that is easily in my top three, and a story that brings me to tears every.damn.time. What I’m saying is, Universal, if you screw up this BEAUTIFUL relationship between two amazing female characters whom I love more than my own child, I will cut you.
Wicked is slated for release December 20, 2019. So you’ve got some time to maybe nab a pair of $1000 Hamilton tickets before it releases.
What’s up, guys and gals! Welcome to the Workprint Gamescast!
Listen to Rob, Jen, Bilal, and the gang talk about the latest in video games news, what they’re playing, and all other manner of nerdy habits.
THIS WEEK ON THE GAMESCAST: A very special E3 episode (second annual!), as Jen, Bilal and Rob (He’s back!!!!!!) discuss the many announcements from the year’s biggest video game expo. Be warned: This is a MEGA episode coming in at 3 hours. Can’t say we don’t give you your money’s worth!
If you’re looking for discussion on a certain presenter, here’s where you can find each conference in the gamescast:
When we last left MTV’s “Scream” and The Group Formerly Known as The Lakewood Six, Emma’s dad stalked her like a killer in a horror film and then apologized before telling her that he wanted back into her life. Meanwhile, Ghost McMeltFace 2: Simba’s Pride continued to toy with Audrey by leaving the body of Jake in a storage unit for her to find and freak out over.
Luckily, this episode wastes no time starting right where we left off and builds on that to give us some intriguing moments.
First thing’s first (and I feel like I’m asking this for the 57th time):
why can’t Audrey be the heroine in this thing? While I understand the predilection for making our heroines flawed and damaged, yet deep-down strong, Emma is so boring. Audrey meets all the criteria the writers of “Scream” believe Emma is meeting — only Audrey has a kick-ass sidekick, a very complex backstory and an attitude for days. One of the coolest moments of the season thus far has been watching Audrey flip out. Last season, she seemed so stern, so cool and so under control. Here, she’s slowly slipping into madness. Her handiwork is just an e-mail away from becoming public knowledge, she’s speechless when the killer asks her to admire her his latest conquest and if it’s not bad enough that The Killer is riding her, she has nowhere to run or hide — because her best friend is unknowingly close to uncovering her secrets as well.
That isn’t to say that Audrey’s not treading water.
She covers up Jake’s murder by taking the killer’s taunting, hand-written message off the body and trashing it. She gears up for Noah’s “discovery” of the body…only to find out that Jake’s body is missing and the storage shed she found it in has been filled with random junk. On top of that, there’s a camera which watches over the two of them, giving The Killer even more leverage. Noah (somehow) taps into the Crescent Motel’s security cameras and gets ready to expose hapless reception desk clerk, “Eddie Kruger” (ugh, that still hurts to say or type) as a liar, blissfully unaware that his BFF is the one who was in the Storage Shed of Blood. Watching Audrey sweat here is fun. As Noah’s video files get closer to loading, Audrey paces nervously, trying to think of something, anything to stop time. But she can’t…so she grabs a bookend Noah has on his shelf and holds it over her head, ready to whack Noah — but the video malfunctions and she relaxes. For the first time, we breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Audrey’s struggle to keep up appearances is ironic: she started this whole ordeal and now it’s run amok and she’s paying the price. Even though she didn’t directly kill anyone during the last series of murders, she was manipulating the person responsible. But now that the shit is hitting the proverbial fan, Audrey has to make a decision: will she become what she created? What would have happened if Noah saw something on that video stream? Would Audrey actually kill Noah to hide the truth? And is Audrey capable of redemption? Is she a hero or is she a villain? That is what makes this story fun. The only thing that negates it is the fact that Noah hasn’t been able to pick up on his friend’s very strange behavior nor suspected her. One could make the case, however, that Noah loves Audrey so much that he wouldn’t dare entertain that thought.
Having digressed, this is not the only moment that works.
Shortly after The Killer murders the esteemed Mr. Kruger with a corkscrew (one of the most insipidly stupid moments of the episode; Kruger just enters Daddy Duvall’s room with a “liquor delivery” and proceeds to wander around a 350 square-foot motel room “looking” for Dad before finally getting his ass handed to him by GMMF 2), Emma comes looking for her father in the very same hotel room — while The Killer awaits her in the bathroom. Forgiving the fact that Emma doesn’t even bother to look for her Dad in that room (why isn’t clear; it’s well-lit and the shower’s apparently running), The Killer calling up Audrey via Facetime and showing Emma wandering the room before taking a video of himself in the mirror waving, before he hangs up on her, is a bit chilling.
The only problem with this is the same one that’s been plaguing this series since the beginning: lack of a payoff.
Emma’s search for her father is interrupted by some barroom brawl that has spilled out to the streets next to the motel. Her father’s involved with some lowlife and Emma’s not happy about this. So, the suspense automatically dies when Emma leaves the room, completely unharmed, in order to argue with her deadbeat Dad who not only beats the living shit out of some guy at the bar, he pretty much admits to beating the shit out of Emma’s Mom, too, before the police come to question Emma’s father for taking part in the public disturbance. The whole confrontation between Emma and her Dad is wholly uncomfortable, yet welcome in a strange way and it also manages to nicely wrap up the simmering conflict between Emma and Audrey, who had been at odds over the credibility of Emma’s father which lasted all of ten minutes, but even still, it works.
And that brings me to thepart of the episode that makes me hate this show with the power of a thousand white hot suns:
Brooke.
If it wasn’t for Brooke, this episode’s rating might have been higher and the show would be more than passable — but, no, MTV insists on pushing Brooke on us like a mall kiosk worker pushing $500 dollar lavender-scented neck pillows. Jake has, once again, stood Brooke up. So, he’s still missing. Because he’s dead and Brooke doesn’t know it. But Brooke’s got things to do. Like trying to help Zoe hook up with Noah. And run a town pageant. And get mocked by Gustavo because Jake’s still missing.
Gustavo’s needling angers Brooke to no end and prompts her to angrily call the hell out of Jake, allowing the writers to give us this “gem”…and by “gem”, I mean “shit”:
“Look: I have upgraded from texting to VOICEMAIL to further express my level of ‘YOU ARE SO DEAD.'”
Really. That dialogue was said. That happened. How a person “upgrades from texting to voicemail” is beyond me, but that’s still not the worst part. The worst is when she goes back to texting him, having thoroughly “downgraded to texting”, I guess:
Brooke: That’s it! WE ARE DONE!!! “Jake”: K, babe. Hasta la vista!
Still not the worst. Brooke’s response?
What?! Are you in Mexico with your parents?
Really?! Dead or not, honey…he ain’t into you. Suck it up.
STILL NOT THE WORST.
Remember Seth Branson from last season? The weird, pervy teacher who was “educating” Brooke on the side before going all creepy and weird for no other reason other to serve as a nonsensical red herring before vanishing into thin air without so much as a mention of what happened to him after Piper had kidnapped him? Anyway, he’s back, out of nowhere, and blowing up Brooke’s phone with romantic Shakespearean sonnets because nothing says “romance” like suddenly calling the girl you love after pretending to be disturbingly psychotic and then vanishing for six months.
STILL NOT THE FUCKING WORST.
After a great exchange between Gustavo and Noah regarding Noah’s podcast and Gustavo warning Noah that he might actually get hurt or worse in his quest for the truth about the Lakewood Murders, Brooke and Zoe show up. Also, Gustavo’s not actually supposed to be here because nobody invited him so it would stand to reason that a) he’s The Killer b) he’s acting creepy and lurky for no logical reason or c) he’s persistent as he is uninteresting, so he fits within the scheme. Brooke’s latest attempt to get Zoey and Noah together is a screening of “Killer Klowns From Outer Space” at Lakewood’s town theater. So, we get a Meet Cute even though they’ve already met:
Zoe: So, did you do the reading for AP English yet? ‘Of Mice and Men’? I mean, in what world does strangling a rabbit equal a bullet in the head? Noah:ACK! Oh my god…spoiler alert!
Really? That novel is, like, fifty years–you know what? Fine. We’ll take it. But, Brooke is aggravated — aggravated! — that Gustavo would dare show his face in a public movie theater lobby. While she doesn’t leave him a voicemail, she does attempt to be witty which, as usual, fails upon takeoff and features Gustavo with the laziest comeback of all-time:
Brooke: Can I get just like one ‘Stavo-free’ day? Do you have any of that? Gustavo: Yeah…the thing is…we’re all out of that…
I mean, sweet baby Jesus H. balding Christ on a fucking crutch, look at that verbal spew.
BUT STILL NOT THE GODDAMN FUCKING WORST OMG
Seth Branson shows up and he doesn’t get it! Why would Brooke reject his advances? I mean, after all…Branson was the one who sent her flowers, not Jake! But Branson’s moved on. He swears he isn’t stalking Brooke — even though he admits to “seeing her everywhere, all over town”, which is also creepy. But Brooke refuses to be outdone by her pseudo-psycho teacher-turned-lover-turned stalker and I finally present to you THE WORST:
Brooke: Your sources were correct…about Jake…it’s…it’s complicated! But, in the meantime, I’m keeping my plate full. THIS is my new friend, ‘Stavo! He’s the sheriff’s son, so…be nice. ‘Stavo (because that’s his hip new name now): Is this OLD DUDE bothering you? Branson: You’re not dating this guy… (‘STAVO GRABS BROOKE AND THEY MAKE OUT FOR A FEW SECONDS; BROOKE’S KINDA NOT PLEASED.) Branson: You’ve changed, Brooke. You didn’t even say ‘thank you’ for the flowers.
So, to recap:
Brooke still hasn’t reported Jake as “missing”, never really calls him and just texts him, they “break up” because she just sucks on toast at the love thing — yet still wants to set up Zoe with Noah, Gustavo mocks her for all of that and shows up at random which is annoying but cool, Branson shows up at random which isn’t cool at all, Brooke outlines that she’s still with Jake, acknowledges sleeping with Branson (while he was teaching) and then lets ‘Stavo the Stud kiss her?
Have I missed anything?
Brooke is the bane of this show’s existence. Her character, a blithering idiot three seconds from being a bimbo without the bimbo look, is insulting not just to women, but people in general. Everything she does is another right turn into a dead end. I can’t decide if the episode’s name (“Vacancy”) refers to the so-so horror film that came out a few years back or if it’s referring to the spot between her ears. The only way her role could possibly be redeemed is if she grows past this and becomes integral to the overall plot. Jake’s death may do this, but dragging out that particular revelation is really dragging the show down and that’s careless on the part of the showrunners.
Overall, however, this was the first decent episode of the new season. Audrey’s inner-character dueling is only going to get more interesting what with Noah and Zoe possibly getting together. Will this create jealousy on Audrey’s part and add more stress to their relationship? Will Emma find it in her heart to forgive her father or has that ship sailed? AND CAN WE PLEASE GET BROOKE TO STOP RUINING THIS SHIT ALREADY???
What’s the best possible news after The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild reveal? How about amiibos to go along with it!
Nintendo has announced a new series of amiibo figures for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. The three figures includes Link with a bow (“Archer”), Link on horseback (“Rider”), and a “Guardian” that is the first amiibo with flexible parts. No details on their in-game functionality have been revealed.
The existing Wolf Link amiibo from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess will work with Breath of the Wild, Nintendo revealed. When players tap a Wolf Link amiibo to the Wii U GamePad controller, they will transport Wolf Link to assist Link in the world of Breath of the Wild. Wolf Link will attack enemies on his own and help players to hunt. He will have three hearts, unless players carry over save data from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD. Wolf Link disappears when his hearts run out.
The much anticipated trailer for Nintendo’s newest entry in TheLegend of Zelda franchise has finally arrived.
Titled The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, players will once again take control of Link in the wide open world of Hyrule. Unlike its previous predecessors, Breath of the Wild‘s vast open world will allow gamers to approach the newest Legend of Zelda game however they see fit, removing the requirement to take a pre-determined path.
During the first gameplay reveal on Nintendo’s Treehouse stream, it was revealed that Link will need to be resourceful as he explores his environment. Players will need to find and collect weapons in order to defeat enemies. Hearts to regain health will no longer appear from cutting long grass and breaking pots. Instead, food will help Link sustain his hearts and can give him a temporary boost or ability that will sustain him.
Breath of the Wild brings many changes to the franchise:
The game breaks with some conventions from the series. For example, many of the minor enemies are no longer scattered randomly around the world, as many now live together in colonies.Link can climb towers and massive structures to get a bearing on his surroundings. He can even reach the top of mountains – any mountain he can see, he can climb. He can paraglide to lower areas or even use his shield to slide down a mountain. Link will travel across fields, through forests and to mountain peaks.
The game’s wild world surrounds Link, and he must pay attention to changes in climate, as a shift in weather or temperature can affect the environment and his ability to survive in it. A sudden downpour might douse a roaring campfire or a lightning storm might be attracted to Link’s metallic weapons. Players might need to bundle up with warmer clothes or change into something better suited to the desert heat.
Scattered across the world of Breath of the Wild are over 100 Shrines of Trials waiting for players work their way through the traps and puzzles inside.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is scheduled to launch simultaneously for both the Wii U console and Nintendo’s next system, code-named NX, in 2017.
Resident Evil is back and it looks completely different than it has ever looked before.
Unveiled at Sony’s E3 Press Conference, Resident Evil 7: Biohazard, redefines the series by being the first game in the franchise to shift to the first person perspective. Adding to the new perspective, Resident Evil 7 will also support full-VR functionality from beginning to end.
According to Capcom, Resident Evil 7 will be set after the events of Resident Evil 6 – “taking place in modern day and revolving around a foreboding, derelict plantation mansion in rural America.” Players will need to explore and survive the horrors within a mysterious, sprawling estate.
Playstation 4 owners that are Playstation Plus members will be able to download the Resident Evil 7 Teaser: Beginning Hour demo starting today, offering the first look at Capcom’s latest game.
Pre-orders for North America via the PlayStation Store are available starting today and come with the exclusive dynamic PS4 theme. Two editions will be able to preorder – Standard and the Digital Deluxe version.
Those who preorder the Digital Deluxe edition will receive the Survival Pack, which includes an early unlock to the hardest difficulty mode as well as a special item set when the game releases.
Resident Evil 7 will be available on PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and PC on January 24, 2017.
Square Enix has released a brand new E3 2016 trailer for Kingsglaive Final Fantasy XV, their upcoming movie set in the world of FFXV.
While the initial reveal back during Square Enix’s Final Fantasy XV reveal had me pumped, the latest trailer has left me a bit cold with its odd cuts and voice acting. On a visual level, Kingsglaive looks like everything I could have ever wanted from a Final Fantasy movie.
Official Synopsis:
The magical kingdom of Lucis is home to the sacred Crystal, and the menacing empire of Niflheim is determined to steal it. King Regis of Lucis (Sean Bean) commands an elite force of soldiers called the Kingsglaive. Wielding their king’s magic, Nyx (Aaron Paul) and his fellow soldiers fight to protect Lucis. As the overwhelming military might of the empire bears down, King Regis is faced with an impossible ultimatum – to marry his son, Prince Noctis to Princess Lunafreya of Tenebrae (Lena Headey), captive of Niflheim, and surrender his lands to the empire’s rule. Although the king concedes, it becomes clear that the empire will stop at nothing to achieve their devious goals, with only the Kingsglaive standing between them and world domination.
Kingsglaive Final Fantasy XV is coming to select theaters nationwide on August 19th.
ReCore, from legendary creator Keiji Inafune and Armature Studio, the team behind the Metroid Prime series, took the stage at Microsoft’s press conference at E3 to show off the first footage of gameplay along with the release date of September 13.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnKT9ZCGgBE
ReCore will be available at launch for $39.99 on Xbox One and Windows 10, supporting cross-save between the two platforms allowing progress on one device to be continued when playing on the other device.
Fans who pre-order ReCore will also receive Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts for Xbox 360 playable on Xbox One as a pre-order bonus.
For those looking to spend a bit more, the developers have partnered with TriForce for the officially licensed Limited Collector’s Edition available for $179.99. The Limited Collector’s Edition features hand-finished and painted statues of Joule and the Mack for the most authentic representation of ReCore.
ReCore will allow players to take control of Joule Adams, one of the last remaining humans, and forge friendships with a courageous group of robot companions, each with unique abilities and powers.
ReCore will release on Xbox One and Windows 10 on September 13.
It appears yesterday’s leaked images of Microsoft’s Xbox One S were spot on as the company officially announced the console earlier today at their E3 Press Conference.
Starting at $299, the the 40% smaller console will feature 4k Ultra HD video, High Dynamic Range (HDR), a streamlined controller, and a vertical stand for those looking to stand their console up.
Unlike the original Xbox One, the Xbox One S will not have a dedicated port for the Kinect. Instead owners looking to use a Kinect on the new system will need a USB adapter to hook up the external camera.
The Xbox One S will also come with a newly designed Xbox Wireless Controller featuring textured grip for enhanced comfort. The new controller will features a more reliable wireless connection, allowing for up to twice the wireless range, and has added Bluetooth support. The thumbsticks have also been redesigned for better accuracy and rotation.
Those worried about compatibility issues need not worry as Xbox One games, accessories and Xbox Live services will work with the new Xbox One S. The new console will launch with 500GB, 1TB and special launch edition 2TB options. The limited quantity 2TB launch edition Xbox One S will be available in select markets starting early August for $399 USD, with the 1TB Xbox One S for $349 USD and the 500GB Xbox One S for $299 USD arriving thereafter.
This week on ‘Game of Thrones’: Arya has a bit of a flesh wound, Cersei considers rebuilding King’s Landing, and Pod emulates his rowing hero, Gendry.
Blah blah blah Spoilers through Game of Thrones 608. You know the drill, kiddos.
So. Uhm. That happened. I mean, we all have bad days, right? And even with a few lows, Game of Thrones season 6 has mostly been good. Except for this episode. I recognize that certain things had to happen they way they did, it’s just, well, what’s the point? Let’s just get into without all this cryptic nonsense, yea? I ramble on in these recaps enough as it is.
Somewhere in the Riverlands where there are no chickens
We knew after the end of last episode that The Hound would be on the warpath to avenge the death of his new BFF Brother Ray. Over the river and through the woods to the Brotherhood’s house he goes to fuck up some dudes without banners. The Hound slaughters the handful of Brotherhood members he comes across without hesitation, turning them into horror film fodder. For such a changed man he doesn’t bother questioning whether or not he’s killing the right people and that doesn’t sit well with me. We spent an episode listening to Brother Ray wax on poetically about giving up violence and how Sandor was a changed man. Instead of actually killing those responsible, he just kills whatever men he might find and moves on to the next poor bastard, axe in hand.
He then finds Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr who are in the middle of a hanging party and sorry, no dogs allowed, mate. Sandor lays claim to killing the men because they killed his friends and Beric says best he can do is two out of three and Sandor kicks their boxes and watches them die. He then eats (not chicken, sadly) with the Brotherhood and they ask him if he’s ever considered the good word of the Lord of Light. He ponders this for a moment, pees in a river, and then joins up with the Brotherhood.
Not only did these scenes further dash the hyped Hound/Mountain fight, but it also laid to rest the hope that Lady Stoneheart might appear in the show. I’m okay with both scenarios, if I’m honest, but what I’m not okay with is this feel-good relationship thing going down. Is the Brotherhood now heading north to fight white walkers? Why would they let the Hound join when he slaughtered four innocent members of their group? Is the Hound back to being a killing machine? I liked meeting Beric and Thoros again, but when the show is moving at a breakneck pace to reach the end, why have the first scene? It only ruins the Hound in my eyes.
Riverrun
The siege continues outside Riverrun, but judging by the state of the tents and the trenches, it seems Bronn has whipped the Freys into shape. Brienne arrives and she demands the Lannister men take her to Jaime and they’re all, “Uh yes ma’am.” While Jaime and Brienne are making goo-goo eyes at one another (sending Brienne/Tormund shippers into a rage), Bronn takes this moment to teach Tripod a thing or two about defending himself. I love all four of these characters and dammit, I wish they were on the same side. My dream was that Jaime would see the error of his ways and journey North to aid Sansa with Bronn in tow. A silly, farfetched dream, I know, but there was hope Brienne would stubborn her way into Jaime’s heart again.
Instead, she does her duty and petitions to talk to the Blackfish, to convince him of aiding the northern cause of reclaiming Winterfell. Jaime agrees to her terms knowing full well that the Blackfish will do no such thing and because he has a soft spot for Brienne. When Brienne tries to return Oathkeeper, having fulfilled her duty, Jaime solemnly tells her that the sword belongs to her. The pair share a silent moment and then go about the respective jobs. I appreciate that there wasn’t romance between Jaime and Brienne. It would have been easy. It might have made some fans incredibly happy, but to me, these two are some of the more noble fighters in Westeros. Jaime has a duty to Cersei and Brienne to Sansa. They are both compelled by honor to push emotions aside and I respect that. Giving in to emotions cheapens all the sacrifices each have made.
Brienne meets with the Blackfish and after some stubborn negotiating she convinces him that Sansa requires aid. He sighs and is reminded of Cat but concedes that Riverrun comes first, then Winterfell. Brienne commands Pod to send a raven to Sansa telling her that she failed.
Jaime shares a moment with Edmure, oddly reminiscent of when Catelyn has Jaime imprisoned. Jaime makes the comparison I’ve always made when it comes to Lady Stark, that like Cersei, she put her children above all else. And Jaime admits that he had no love lost over Robb or Ned, but that he admired Catelyn and her love for her children. While I have no doubt that these are true words from Jaime, they are manipulative words, words that remind us he is more than a fighter. Moments before, Edmure stated he’d never seen his son and had only had the one interaction with his wife, so what did he care what might happen to them? After Jaime’s speech about being dedicated to one’s children, he threatens to catapult Edmure’s son into Riverrun. It’s then that Edmure agrees to go through with the deceitful takeover of Riverrun, despite the Blackfish’s protests otherwise. Clever Jaime.
During the takeover, the Blackfish helps Brienne and Pod flee and declines to go with them, instead opting to die defending his home.
Even Jaime seems disappointed to learn that the Blackfish fell and I’m saddened that another awesome character has gone out with a whimper offscreen. As Jaime looks out over the ramparts, he sees Brienne and Pod, rowing upstream, out of the Riverlands. If he had signaled then, he might have captured them, but he doesn’t. He respects Brienne too much to make her a prisoner again, and they simply wave to one another, maybe for the last time.
King’s Landing
The Faith has yet to realize that Cersei wants nothing to do with their shenanigans. They think that without the Tyrells and without Jaime that she is just going to roll over and let them have trials that aren’t by combat. Well, ho ho ho, my friends. Santa Qyburn has come to town and he’s brought plenty of presents for the naughty boys and girls of King’s Landing. I’m not certain about what’s in his bag, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s a few hundred jars of wildfire.
After an altercation with the Faith militant wherein Lancel tries to bully the Mountain and loses, Tommen calls a family meeting and decrees that they are doing away with those icky trial by combats and instead will try both Cersei and Loras Tyrell in a more humane way, by seven septons who definitely aren’t already predisposed to think everyone is guilty. Cersei is not pleased with her son’s actions.
I’m actually scared, y’all. If Cersei dies at the end of the season, what will I do? She’s my favorite.
Meereen
Varys leaves because things are getting a little too red in Meereen for his liking, so he sails back for Westeros in the hopes of making friends for the Mother of Dragons. Tyrion doesn’t take Varys’ loss well and tries to laughably get Missandei and Grey Worm drunk and telling jokes. Every scene with these three is awful. Why. Why do we do this? This scene was the joke. Tyrion doesn’t goad Varys into drinking, why do it to these two? It’s a waste of time.
Because the Slavers are sick of Tyrion’s shit, they attack Meereen. The Unsullied get everyone into the pyramid and when things start to get a bit hairy, a wild Dany appears, with Drogon flying off in the distance. Dany walks in from the balcony like Sue Ellen’s mother returning from her vacation in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead and our drunk heroes are all, “Oh shit she’s mad. We’re in trouble.”
So. Dany. Baby.
You have a dragon. A dragon you can now ride. Why…did you not, oh, I don’t know, use said dragon to set at least one attacking ship on fire? Surely Drogon can’t take on the entire fleet but in the dark can’t he fire bomb a few of them and fly off unscathed? Where is your “Dracarys”? Where is your rage toward those attacking your city?! I know they’re probably saving this for episode 10’s battle sequence but it’s incredibly frustrating watching these inane filler sequences.
Braavos
Oh, what in the hell just happened in Braavos? Apparently plot armor on this show is thicker than Greyscale. After last week’s episode I was certain CERTAIN that there was a better explanation for Arya’s actions than she got cocky and really wanted back to Westeros but welp, turns out I was wrong. If Arya can survive such wounds then what the heck was Jon Snow’s problem? You mean to tell me that Arya, the most street smart of the Starks, thought she could pompously walk away from the Faceless Men? You have got to be kidding me.
But don’t worry. It’s cool, guys. She can totally survive stab wounds and then swim in a poop-infested canal and not die from disease. She went to the Lara Croft school of survival.
Luring the waif into her little hideout to kill her, I can buy, but running through the streets, blood leaking all over the place like a pubescent Jen who doesn’t quite understand menstrual products, I cannot. Everything about Arya’s actions was season one Arya. We’re in season six, sweetie, and you should be going into septic shock after sustaining such injuries. But I guess she has to outlast the pain, what with the T-800 chasing her down the street.
Sigh, but I digress. After Arya, panicked, runs through the streets bleeding out, she finds her way to Lady Crane who has taken Arya’s character development tip to heart. Lady Crane heals Arya’s major abdominal wounds with a fucking nap and some painkillers because that’s how plot armor works. The waif finds Arya, but not before brutally killing Lady Crane. Arya runs, again, parkouring her way through the streets of Braavos, something I can’t even do after a big meal, but hey. Whatever. Arya leads the waif back to her hidey hole where we finally see Needle and Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ why oh WHY didn’t Arya have needle WITH her? She hid her only weapon under a pillow in an alley? Where anyone could find it? ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Sigh, she does cut the candle in half, which was a cool visual, off-screen kills the waif and takes her face back to her master. Mostly healed from her wounds, again, Arya confronts Jaqen H’ghar and he RIDICULOUSLY says to her, “Now a girl is truly No One.” Not because it’s true, mind you, but because the writers needed a reason for her to say, “I’m Arya Stark, bitch.”
But now with both Arya and the waif gone, it seems Jaqen needs to get some work done.
Random Thoughts
I don’t hate that Arya went to the House of Black and White. I thought it was important in her development to realize that she was Arya Stark and she needed to face her demons. That was done very well with Lady Crane and opening her up to realizing that all she was doing was running away from her problems, but this fight with the waif was just…not the Arya I know.
The High Sparrow definitely goaded Cersei into using the Moutain as an excuse to outlaw trial by combat.
I’m kind of disappointed there wasn’t a scene in the north tonight. I had hoped there’d be more of a set up for next week’s episode but it seems like we’re going to get an episode like we did for “Blackwater” or “Castle Black” and it’ll be entirely at Winterfell.
I love that everyone still calls Jaime Kingslayer and laughs when he says, “I give my word,” as if he doesn’t hold his honor in high regard. It’s such a struggle for his character because he is so defined by that one moment in his life, that moment no one knows the truth about except Brienne, and no matter how many words he keeps (and he has) he will never escape it.
Bastard bowl next week! Pleasebegoodpleasebegoodpleasebegood.
This is an episode recap of Wynonna Earp so there are obviously spoilers through episode 11, “Landslide”. I warned you, crazies.
Every week I watch Wynonna Earp, it gets better and better. Part of me thinks that I’m just so attached I can’t look beyond my bias and undying love for Melanie Scrofano, but then I watch an episode like “Landslide” and it hits me that, “No, this shit right here is really good television.”
When we left things last week, Doc had run from Purgatory, Wynonna and Dolls had taken down Bobo’s enemy, Lou, and in the process they found thought-to-be-long-dead older sister, Willa Earp. How do things get even crazier than that? Let me count the ways.
Despite Gus recognizing Willa almost immediately, the Earp sisters are still skeptical, so they ask Dolls to do a DNA test to be certain. She passes and everyone is like, “Oh shit. Do we have to change the name of the show now that we have a new heir?” Honestly, this can’t bode well for Willa or the Earp sisters having two heirs who can use Peacemaker. Is it like a time paradox where both cannot exist in the same plane? Does this mean Willa is doomed? I have so many questions!
Waverly, usually so accepting and cheerful, is hesitant about Willa’s arrival and doesn’t take her time spitting in Willa’s Cheerios.
Willa: “It was real, wasn’t it? I killed a man. Lou got pulled into the ground. Waverly: “He didn’t get pulled into the ground. You sent him to Hell.” Willa: “Huh?” Wynonna: -_- Waverly: “Well…she did.”
I can’t blame Waverly for her jealousy toward Willa. She was six when Willa died and never really knew that Earp sister. And with Wynonna in and out of her life like a tornado, Waverly was the one who stepped up in Purgatory, the one who studied the revenants, the one who researched everything she could. If she could have picked up Peacekeeper and put an end to the town’s problems while both her older sisters were gone, you can be damn well certain she would have. Of the Earp sisters, Waverly has been the most dedicated toward their family cause, and she’s the one who still gets left out from it. She’s the one they’re concerned about protecting rather than fighting side by side with. And then Willa comes back from the dead and suddenly she’s granted everything Waverly wants, being a hero and respected enough by Wynonna to not be babied. OF COURSE Waverly is jealous.
Willa doesn’t have memories of her childhood as an Earp, only the time she spent in Lou’s animal cult. Wynonna eventually explains the curse to her and takes her out to shoot Peacemaker. The act of firing Peacemaker stirs something in Willa and she regains her memories of learning to shoot with her father. It’s a shocking revelation and becomes too much for Big Sister Earp and she takes off to where all the Earps go when they’re running away from their problems: Shorty’s Saloon.
Meanwhile, Baby Bobo has some deals going on on the side with some shady poker game going down in town and he pulls out the ol’ vampire twins from his demon vault of tricks. The pair aren’t too much to write home about and they meet their maker pretty soon after their introduction. They have a mix of siren and Medusa abilities, luring in men once they make eye contact and then devouring bodies and blood once they have the men in their grasp. Bobo wants the card shark Bradley Stokes out of the picture and it only takes one look from the twins to get the job done. In a matter of seconds they’re graphically feasting on his nether regions. Mm. Tasty.
Wynonna is also dealing with Willa’s return in her own self-destructive way. She’s finally in a decent place, despite the whole, “demons wanting to kill her” thing. For the first time in forever, she has a purpose and people aren’t trying to lock her up for being crazy. With Willa back, she’s technically no longer the heir and that calls into question why she’s still there, why she’s even bothering to continue with her duties when Willa, who was trained by her father to handle revenants, is around.
Dolls comes to Wynonna with a mission and tells her to get her head in the game and that he loves her and wants to be with her and have her babies and Wynonna is all, “LOL ok Dollhouse w/e. Stop drinking that crazy juice.”
They go into a definitely-not-creepy abandoned building where our vampire twins are holed up. They try to work their magic on Wynonna and she’s all, “Sorry, wrong Earp sister.” Dollface gets too close, however, and releases all that pent up sexual frustration on the girls and Wynonna rolls her eyes at his man parts and puts the twins in the ground where they belong.
Somewhere on the outskirts of town, Doc the mustached-dork is having car troubles. He meets a stranger who isn’t a demon but definitely isn’t a human who complains about the youth of today with their iPotatoes and inability to fix things with their hands. Doc shrugs his mustache and is all, “Thanks for all the fish. Later, homes.” Before Doc can leave, the stranger flashes Earp’s badge and gives Doc an ultimatum, continue running from the past and take the badge, or go back and help Wynonna with the impending doom headed Purgatory’s way. Doc is all, “UGHHH BUT I LIKE RUNNING AWAY” and ends up heading back to Purgatory where the car breaks down again and he gets whanged over the head with a frying pan.
When Wynonna and Waverly finally find their older sister at Shorty’s getting wasted with her newfound Earp drinking abilities, the Earp sisters get into a bit of a scuffle with the revenants and Willa, sick of their red-eyed bullshit, swipes Peacemaker, and puts that presumably bad-breathed demon in the ground. Wynonna, realizing the severity of Willa’s actions, gets her the hell out of there because they are sorely outnumbered. They make it out in time but Bobo, thanks to some shaky cam work, eventually realizes who it was that put one of his cronies in the ground.
He heads to the Homestead, but not before the baddies after Dollface make it there and open fire on our heroes. Dolls protects Waves but she grabs her shotgun and is all, “OH NO NOT IN MAH HOUSE.” Wynonna and Willa (oh my god all these ‘W’ names, guys), after having a heart-to-heart in the barn hear the gunfire and pull out Dollface’s Christmas gifts to the Earp family.
Why SyFy didn’t play “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” during this scene is BEYOND ME. Look at those girls. Look at how AWESOME they are.
The mercenaries run off the land and Willa, not caring for Wavy Lays’ bullet wound, chases after the fleeing attackers. She fails and gets put on the flat of her back when who comes to the rescue? Bobo.
I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, there is something more to Bobo. He has a soft spot for the Earp girls. We learned early on that he was like an imaginary friend to young Waverly, acting as her guardian angel. When he sees the video of Willa in Shorty’s, he doesn’t look mad, he looks genuinely surprised, and he immediately heads to the homestead and saves her life. When Wynonna sees him and has a clear shot to end him, he doesn’t fight back, he tries to run. He’s not the big bad guy we think he is.
Random Thoughts:
Let’s take a moment to appreciate Wynonna’s facial expression here. At first she’s all, “LOL Wha-why would you–” and then the realization hits her and all those comments about Nicole come into focus and then she goes soft and “awww” for her baby sister. It’s sweet and SYFY IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO WAVERLY I AM DONE YOU HEAR ME.
An image of the Xbox One S has leaked a day before Microsoft planned to take the stage at E3 to reveal it at their annual press conference at the show.
According to the leaked image, the Xbox One S will feature a “40% smaller console, a 2TB hard drive, 4k Ultra HD video, High Dynamic Range (HDR), a streamlined controller, and a vertical stand.”
Last month, Kotaku broke the story of Microsoft’s redesigned console and the news of a much more powerful iteration on the Xbox One, codenamed Scorpio, that was being prepped for 2017.
More details on the Xbox One S can be expected tomorrow during Microsoft’s press conference.
This week on ‘Outlander’: Battle comes to the Frasers at the Prestonpans and they realize war isn’t all glory and heroism.
Spoilers through Outlander season 2, episode 11, “Prestonpans.”
After the season long attempt to stop the Jacobite rebellion, it’s finally here on Outlander. Last week’s episode “Je Suis Prest” was a highlight for me, a slow descent into the madness of war, but this week’s episode, “Prestonpans” displayed more of the action, the battle, and the bitter taste of victory.
Jamie has finally met up with the Bonnie Prince Charles and the prince is happy to have Jamie in his employ. Despite Jamie being a lower officer in the Prince’s army, Jamie never holds his tongue where military matters are concerned, and he’s certainly not one to wait around for someone to decide what to do for him. There’s a swamp smack dab between the two encampments and while the highlanders have the good, high ground, they have no real advantage to fire upon the English. The options are to either wait for the English to attack or to try to ford the swamp and be attacked in the process, without knowing how deep the swamp goes.
The military leaders continue bickering about the swamp while Jamie leaves to go do something about it. He tasks Dougal to ride out on a horse into the swamp to see if it’s able to sustain infantry. Dougal is all too happy to prove his mettle to the prince and eagerly rides out to meet the startled redcoats. Once in the swamp, the redcoats use him for target practice and their aim at that distance is about as good as stormtroopers, but Dougal presses on, adamant he get a good measure of the swamp’s danger. In the end, after getting his bald head grazed by a musket and stuck for far too long in the mud, he manages to escape and return to the Scottish encampment. The prince awards him with his praise, saying that if he had 100 of men like him this war would be over. Dougal swells with pride. Much like with Colum, it’s all he wants, to be accepted and useful to those in charge.
Jaime then receives news from a local Scottish boy that there is an unmarked trail through the woods that leads directly to the English camp. It’s tricky to navigate in the fogs and darkness, but he’s willing to lead a few men down to attack the English at night. Jamie agrees to lead the men himself and soon they are preparing for a nighttime raid on the camp.
Claire prepares the infirmary the best she can, making use of the women she has, even though they have little to no experience in medical care. The prince comes to her and says that should she receive English soldiers as patients, she is to treat them first, before the Scottish wounded. They are his subjects, after all, and he wants them to survive this encounter, even though they’re on the wrong side. Claire scoffs at this directive and you can see in her eyes that she’ll disobey that order if it means saving a Scot. But you have to give it to the prince in this moment. He’s not as annoying or ungrateful as he was in Paris. It’s admirable he’d want to protect and save his enemy, even at the cost of losing favor with his own army.
At sundown, the highlanders march out for the attack in what may be one of the most beautiful battle sequences I’ve seen displayed on television. It’s not as grandiose as say, Game of Thrones’ “Hardhome”, but it’s stunning. It’s shocking to me that a scene full of so much death and chaos can even be describes as beautiful but there it is. The cinematography in Outlander has always been A+ work, the area where it truly outshines every other show on TV, but with the battle at Prestonpans, even Outlander outdoes itself.
And just as dawn strikes, the wounded come rolling in to Claire’s infirmary. For much of the episode she’s quiet, hardly used, but in these life or death situations is where she, and Caitriona Balfe, shine. She takes control of the chaos the same way Jamie does on the battlefield and the juxtaposition between these two leaders is just another reminder of how much they belong together. She manages to save many lives, including Rupert who took a sword to the gut. But as is the case in war, she also lost friends, unable to save Kincaid, and that is the bitter reality of war.
Even worse than the death of Kincaid is the emotional state of Fergus. After sneaking onto the battlefield to try to be a hero, Fergus comes face to face with a man who wants him dead, so he kills him and that act haunts him when he returns to Claire’s loving arms. She doesn’t quite know how to console the poor lad, but she does what any mother does, she loves him, she comforts him. And my god, this may be one of my favorite scenes in the season. Motherly Claire is my favorite Claire.
Jamie returns, victorious in battle, and the two reunite, elated the other is physically unharmed. There’s a brief respite from the darkness of the battle when Jamie banters a bit with a few of the injured redcoats in the infirmary and it signals the possibility for reconciliation between these two factions. If Red Jamie, the outlawed Scotsman can get along and joke with injured English, English who hours before would have killed him without hesitating, then there’s hope for the future. But the moment is ruined when Dougal barges in, angry and full of hatred for the redcoats (having just killed poor Lt. Foster in cold blood). He is ready to put down the wounded enemy and is only stopped when the prince comes in and exiles him for his brutish behavior. Jamie comes up with a compromise that keeps Dougal and his men in the fight, but keeps him far enough away from the prince’s sight. What a clever lad, that James Fraser.
But the mood turns even more sour when Angus, so concerned with Rupert’s safety, collapses to the ground and dies from internal bleeding. There’s nothing Claire can do for him and he dies, with a saddened Rupert at his side. The Jacobite won the battle handedly but Jamie makes the comment to Claire that this is how history foretold things would happen and Claire is beginning to wonder if they can even change the future for their home. But only time will tell if any of their hard work will come to fruition.
I should preface all of this with: I’m not a hardcore Warcraft nerd. If you’re looking for someone who has several max-level characters on WoW and a deep knowledge of obscure lore, I ain’t it. What I am is a fantasy nerd, a gamer who has spent more time than I care to admit in MMO worlds (including WoW back in the day), and someone with a deep abiding love for an adventure tale. And I’m here to tell you that despite the 27% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, Warcraft is a good fantasy movie.
Believe me, I’m as surprised as anyone else. When the film was first announced, I set my expectations around Eragon-levels of low. Based on a video game and high-fantasy? No way in hell it would do well. It would be a pulpy cult-favorite at best and universally panned at worst. But as the release date grew near, that little nerd inside me that craves excitement and adventure began to awaken. I sat in the theater with my 120 ounce soda and vat of popcorn butter while the opening credits rolled and all those fears of Warcraft failing washed away.
If you’re worried that Warcraft is a niche film, made only for die-hard fans of the series, cast those fears aside. You don’t need to have an in-depth knowledge of the lore to enjoy the film. Sure, there are spoiler-free guides out there (like this one) that can give a viewer a better understanding of the world and characters, but for the most part, those intricate details aren’t what’s important. It’s the world that stands out so well in Warcraft; it’s mysticism and beauty captures the eye, pulls in the viewer, and keeps them there.
You’ve seen the promos: “Two worlds. One home.” And that’s the overriding theme of the film. Warcraft follows two races, orcs and humans, as they seek to respectively find and protect their homeland. There are many, many other races in this world including dwarves, elves, and draenei, but the human and orc war is the focus, which is for the best. It makes for a less chaotic entry into a world with so much culture and history. With the aid of the warlock Gul’dan (Daniel Wu), the orcs have left their wasteland home planet of Draenor for Azeroth, the world of the humans. Only the strongest warriors are able to journey through the first portal to the foreign world so that once there they might acquire the magic necessary to open a second portal to bring the rest of their families through. But to do so, they have to ravage the human lands to get what they need and that forces the humans to gather their men and fight back.
The important thing to note about Warcraft is that it’s not all good guys against bad guys. Our introduction to this world is through the eyes of an orc, Durotan (Toby Kebbell) and his relationship with his pregnant mate, Draka (Anna Galvin). Right off the bat we’re treated to the stunning CGI seen throughout the film, so crisp and clean that I wish I hadn’t watched the trailers beforehand. It’s through this CGI that we witness the surprising sweetness in an orc relationship, so often depicted as wordless grunts and brute force in other media, but in Warcraft, Durotan is a father who cares for his unborn, a mate who wants only to protect the one he loves. He’s gentle as he caresses her pregnant belly and the pair banters about baby names.
The human side is led by King Llane (Dominic Cooper), knight champion Anduin Lothar (Travis Fimmel), and Guardian Medivh (Ben Foster). It’s up to these human leaders to stop the orc invasion before the Dark Portal allows the rest of the orcs into their world. Sure, the story moves at a breakneck pace, not stopping to hold the viewers hand and stroll through the dialogue. There are a lot of character names and places to keep track of, but it’s better to take the story in as a whole without trying to memorize the minor details.
Without a place in either realm is the prisoner Garona (Paula Patton), the half-orc half-human (maybe half-draenei?) who mostly acts as a translator for each group. It’s through her eyes that we see the possibility for peace between these warring groups. Without a doubt, she became my favorite of the movie, a half-breed who could see the good (and bad) in both sides.
Warcraft isn’t without its flaws, of course. The human side, notably, is filled with rather stereotypical fantasy characters like the clumsy mage apprentice, Khadgar (Ben Schnetzer) and the virtuously bland King Llane. Without the window into the orc world, Warcraft would play out like a paltry Lord of the Rings knockoff. And I admit I was disappointed by the half-hearted attempt at a romance that seemed forced and unnecessary.
And yet, at the end of the day, the battle sequences were well-done, the magic believable with consequences, the creatures (wargs and griffons) looked amazingly real, and the world was fully fleshed out, if given the drive-by treatment at times. The female characters are each strong in their own right, though I don’t know why Hollywood is intent on covering women of color in green or blue makeup. Despite some overlap in races and the Aragorn-esque hair cuts, this isn’t Lord of the Rings. Not every character is safe because they’re good and there are repercussions for every action. Warcraft isn’t quite Game of Thrones shades of grey, but it comes closer than most fantasy.
Warcraft is more than just action marketed as entertainment. It’s a good origin story that sets up the possibility for more stories to come, and I, for one, am thrilled at that prospect.
Well, all I can say is that the end of the world must be near. There is simply no other explanation for the fact that:
A: There were TWO, 2-hour episodes, on two separate nights, of this shit-show this week.
B: Almost every single second of both 2-hour episodes of The Bachelorette, totaling FOUR HOURS OF MIGRAINE-INDUCING, NIGHTMARISH SOUL-NUMBING STUPIDITY, centered around Chad. “Who the hell is Chad?” asked nobody. “Is he the Bachelorette?” asked nobody again.
No, he is not.
He is one of the many douche-bags left living in Testosterone Mansion, vying for the Bachelorette’s love and her hand in a marriage that usually lasts somewhere in the range of 2 to 7 months. Chad sits around the mansion, shirtless, with his reddening skin and veins popping out of every crevice, drinking protein shakes and eating various random food objects, as well as working out and lifting weights about 14 times per hour. When he isn’t doing that, he is talking about or threatening to beat the crap out of one of the other douche-bags in the house that want to marry this woman who has THE most nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying voice of all time. The best part of all of this, is the fact that this Chad person is so obviously mentally unstable, and borderline dangerous – yet, instead of this show actually GETTING HIM THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, so that, you know, nobody actually gets hurt – they just keep the cameras rolling as multiple people, including their heroine JoJo, are scared for their lives. Because, that, my friends, is what gets the ratings. Who cares if someone dies in the process, right? Right. It’s all for the “journey” of finding love. If you manage to get through the review I’m about to write, you are a tremendously patient person. I’m not joking when I say I have 24 pages of notes written out for this review. I could have driven home or taken the Amtrak train from NYC to Boston to visit mom and dad, in the time it took me to watch FOUR HOURS of this silly-ass show. Just sayin. But I digress. Let us begin ……
We start this week’s “journey” outside the mansion, where sounds of pleasurable groaning and moaning are heard in stereo. Is it the lust and passion of JoJo with one of the men? Nope. It’s Dim and Dimmer, (Chad and Canadian Dan) who are lifting weights and making sounds like they are in ecstasy. Their moans echo throughout the mansion as they only stop to admire one another’s latest vein popping, or to take a sip of whatever unidentifiable sledge is in their cup this time. After their sweat-fest is over, they go into the kitchen and start counting calories out loud as they prepare their shakes. Host Chris Harrison comes in and tells the bros that there will be 3 dates this week: 1 group, and 2 one-on-ones. He leaves the first Date Card, which is a one-on-one for Chase. Chad tells cameras that him and JoJo are “killin’ it together. I’m not worried. She’s saving me for last.”
YOGA FAIL:
Chase and JoJo go on their date, which is at a Yoga Studio. The instructor gives them a private and very personal session in Hot Yoga. Chase notes that “it’s about 110 degrees in here”. The instructor lies on the floor and demonstrates moving the pelvis up and down while yelling “HEY! HEY! HEY!” Why? To feel like a complete asshole, I guess. Either that, or it was something about chakras, I forget. Anyway, JoJo is finding this ridiculous, and trying not to laugh. Next, the instructor makes the pair do something called an “anger-gasm”, where you lie on the floor and have a little tantrum like an infant. Again, the purpose of this escapes me. They do more weird stretching, and then they are told to sit together, with JoJo mounting Chase. She is in his lap, their “hearts and 3rd eye are in alignment.” I’m quite sure something else in Chase’s pants is also in alignment, with the ceiling. They stare at each other longingly, and finally, they start kissing.
Later, they have dinner together, and like always, nobody touches one bit of their food. They talk about their Yoga session, and JoJo tells him that he made her feel so safe and protected, as if the instructor was putting them in some sort of danger or something. For some reason, Chase chooses this moment to tell JoJo his life story about how his parents divorced when he was young, and how for him, marriage is soooooo serious. Then she tells cameras how its sooooo attractive to her that he takes marriage so seriously and values it. While they are both yammering on and on about how serious marriage is, ON NATIONAL TV on a contest show where you eliminate people until you choose your spouse, all I can think to myself is: “IS ANYONE GOING TO EAT THE MASSIVE PILES OF DELICIOUS LOOKING SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN AND YUMMY VEGGIES AND RICE ON THESE PLATES? Where is Chad when you need him? If he was on a one-on-one date, it would be the first time ever that someone actually ATE their dinner at dinner time. Anyway, Chase gets the rose, and she says she is very excited about him. Meanwhile, I’m trying not to fall asleep because the dude is so dull. It’s like a chore for him to say words. They go outside and there is yet another private concert from some country artist named Charles Kelley. (Who?) They make out. He says to cameras while pointing to his heart: “She makes this space feel good.” GAG!!!! She says this is the start of something amazing. And then the producers throw out the chicken.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT MUSCLE MANSION:
The next date Card has arrived, and Eyebrows Ali gets up and reads it. With each name he reads off for the Group Date, his brows grow larger and thicker. “Jordan. Grant. Wells. James F. Christian. Me! Dan. Vinny. Nick. Evan. Alex. Chad.” Holy shit! Is this a Group Date or a hockey team? After the Date Card is read, the first of MANY insipid conversations in the house takes place. It goes something like this:
Chad: I don’t even wanna go. Just let you all go and wait for my time alone. Jordan: Can you say that one more time, I’m not sure I heard you correctly. Chad: I don’t wanna go with 12 guys. That’s too many guys. Bland Man: (no clue which of them said this) As opposed to the 20 last night, or the 26 last week? You realize that is what this is, right? So you’d rather not have time with her? Chad: Not with 12 guys, no. Derek: (whining) My next chance with her is at the cocktail party. Id take any opportunity to be with her. Chad: That’s not my problem. James Taylor: It IS your problem! I don’t like that. Be thankful man. Act thankful. Bland Man: Just cross your name off the list then. Don’t go. Erectile Dysfunction Evan: (says one thing) Is there a Sharpie? Chad: Evan, STOP TALKING!!! Jordan: Whatever team Chad is on, I hope its bench presses and not spelling content. (ED laughs like a schoolgirl) Chad: Wait, what? You tryin’ to insinuate that I’m stupid, Jordan? Jordan: No, um, no. You just – nothin’ really comes out of your mouth. Chad: You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather. Alex: I think its clear that there’s a solid 25-year-old piece of shit stinking over there. (whats with all the ages?) Chad: Yeah? Well there’s a 25-year-old BITCH sitting right there. Alex: Try me, bro. Try me. Yeah, I’m real scared of you, dude. Chad: You wanna go? (points outside)
During this manly exchange, Canadian Dan and Limp Dick Evan are giggling like schoolgirls. Someone says “this is awkward”, and someone else “that escalated quickly.” Chad leaves the room and nothing happens.
GROUP ORGY (Date) TALES OF SEX:
So after the massive tension at the mansion involving Chad, the 12 men all pile into the gay-mobile limo together to go and meet JoJo for their 12 on 1 insanity. JoJo takes them to a theatre, where a show is about to start. They sit in the crowd and a woman gets onstage and begins with the moaning and groaning and grunting. She talks about her orgasms, and everyone claps. Then the host comes out and says “Welcome to Sex Talks, where we tell real stories of our past sex adventures. ” The men have to go backstage and have 45 minutes to write-up a personal story about something sexual in their life. They are going to be the finale of the show. JoJo says she wants to see what these men are made of. Well, I don’t know, but your voice is made of a cheese-grater grinding back and forth against a frog’s throat. Erectile Dysfunction is “so pumped”, using his penis mataphors again, and he has a plan to get up there and make fun of Chad. Why? I have no idea. He says he wants to mess with him, which really doesn’t seem smart.
Anyway, the men get up one by one and tell their lame stories. Grant talks about his first time and getting stopped mid-way through by a cop (he and his girl were in a park.) Vinny talks about his mom walking in on him. Ewww. Eyebrows Ali kissed a woman with a moustache. Creepy Canadian Dan tells some story about tying a woman up and then using a knife to cut off a piece of her hair. WHAT A FUCKING CREEP. Wells apparently had a threesome, which I don’t believe for a second. I’m sorry. Someone named WELLS does not have a threesome. And then Erectile Evan gets up and starts his story. He tells everyone that he is in the business of E.D. and wants to tell a cautionary tale about what happens when you use steroids. Your dick goes limp. You withdraw from people. Chad’s face is bright red from the crowd, as he knows Evan is talking about HIM. He looks like a murder will take place within seconds. Chad is next onstage, and when he walks past Evan, there is a shove. Chad grabs Evans shirt, pushes him to the side, and walks past him to get to the stage. Then he says he needs JoJo to come onstage with him for his story. She does. He says “Today isn’t about the past. It’s about the future.” Then he tries kissing her onstage, and she pushes away to give him only her cheek. Classic. Alex yells from crowd: “Crash and burn, brother!” and all clap and cheer Chad’s massive failure. When the show ends, JoJo stays in crowd to get their opinions on whose story was best. Meanwhile, backstage, the men were getting into Round two with each other about the antics that happened onstage.
Chad comes into the backstage area, and punches a wall upon entering. Then he walks up to Limp Dick Evan and yells: “You’re gonna fuckin’ die!” E.D. replies with: “It was all in good fun, bro!” Chad disagrees. “Not what you did. Not fun!” The Canadian Douche-bag chimes in with his pointless opinion of: “Hey lets not get physical. Let’s enjoy.” Really? Let’s ENJOY? Enjoy what? Chad now has blood on his fingers from the door punch. He says: “If I can’t lift weights soon, I’m gonna murder someone.” Oh, well that’s comforting. He pretends to touch Limp Dick again on the way out, to which he squeels: “Don’t touch me!”
Clueless JoJo enters the picture later on, sitting with all the men and saying how proud she is of them all for getting up onstage. She takes them aside for private time. Jordan is first, and as he talks to her about opening up his heart to her and being scared and vulnerable, she is smacking her lips together again in that “I’m so horny right now” way that she does. They start kissing. Then she is with James Taylor and Chad interrupts, but JoJo won’t have it. “He just sat down”, she says. Chad leaves and gets pissed off while sipping his sludgy green mixture. Meanwhile, Chad goes over to sit with some of the guys, and this dialogue of brilliance happens:
Erectile: Chad, Chad, I can’t see your face. Chad: That’s cool. What do you want? Erectile: Why are you here? Dude, we got into an altercation earlier. You owe me an apology. And you ripped my shirt! Chad: You’re ridiculous. You’re like , trying to bully me. Stay away. Do your own thing. Stop bumping into me. Stop working out when I work out. Stop cooking when I cook. Just stay away.
Limp Dick just stares at Chad like a beetle with his little beetle eyes, for an awkward amount of time. Chad tells cameras: “There’s a point where there’s nothing left to do but get physical. Evan fucked up already. He has 3 kids. He had his chance at love. Fuck this shit, man.” Everyone clears out of the room.
Meanwhile, JoJo is still talking to different guys one at a time, and Chad keeps walking by in the background with different food items and drinks, making comments about all the men to himself. Finally it’s his turn to talk to JoJo. He starts talking, and it looks like he tried to swallow a cotton swab factory and a few got lodged in his mouth. JoJo asks him what happened with him and Evan, and he tells her that Evan was bullying him. Yes, this tiny little beetle-looking guy with Hermie the Dentist Hair from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was bullying YOU. Riiiiight. He asks her if she is super confused about him, and she says yes. Limp Dick interrupts them, and Chad says: “Dammit, Evan.” He leaves, and gets pissed off in a corner while munching a piece of meat. Failed Dick gives JoJo an ultimatum of sorts. He tells her that if Chad stays here, he will leave. She says she needs to think about this. At the end of the evening, she pulls Soft Dick aside and tells him: “I’ve loved getting to know you. You are a kind heart. I know you said you’re not comfortable being here if Chad is here, but I’m not comfortable asking him to leave. I want you to stay, and I want to give you this rose, but I’m not sure you’ll accept it. I am going to ask anyway.” Hermie responds with: “Yes, I will TOTALLY accept this rose.” Like, totally! She kisses him, much in the same way you might kiss your Uncle Leo that you see once a year at Thanksgiving. He flips out and acts like it’s the best kiss he has ever received in his life – telling cameras that his kids would be so proud of him. His little dick is so proud and at half mast.
JoJo goes back over to the men with Evan, hand in hand, and he has the rose. She starts talking to them about how much she appreciates them all, and Chad is making the most insane faces at her, like he cannot believe that Moosh Dick just got the rose. She stops and says to him: “Are you good?” He says: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now? I’m just curious.” She responds: “What’s the problem, Chad?” He says no problem. Grant comes to the rescue: “I think there is, Chad. You just interrupted her when she was trying to talk.” Chad flips out: “You are actually right now, vibing this dude?” (meaning Oatmeal Dick) JoJo: “Yeah, and I don’t appreciate what you’re doing. You’re being disrespectful, and I don’t like this side of you.” He clenches his teeth and dreams about meat on a stick. She says goodnight to the guys and leaves. Now Chad is super pissed. He rails to camera: “No girl on earth ever chooses Evan for anything, other than to sweep their front yard. Fuck them. Fuck everything!!!!”
That night, Derek is frightened of Chad and his popping veins, since he has the unfortunate luck of having his bed next to Chad’s in the bedroom of dudes. He is scared that Chad might snap, and he feels something needs to be done. Security Guards are called into the home to watch over the bedroom as they sleep, and to roam the house back and forth in a comical manner. Again, this guy is dangerous enough to promote guards, yet they continue to keep him on the show. Because safety means nothing when it comes to ratings, right? This week’s episodes were advertised all week-long as “CHAD-AGEDDON!!!!” 2-night EVENT. So there ya go. This is what is important to this dumb show. They instigate all of this. They supply the endless alcohol, put these hot-heads in a mansion with no internet and no outside world, and let them practically kill each other. Fun.
Chad sees the Security Guards as he munches on another plate of food. He wonders to his friend Dan why they are there. “Really? I’ve never met a group of guys that were so sensitive.” Canadian Douche says: “You’re a grown man. You can take it.” Then Nitwit and Nitwit the Sequel have this dialogue:
Dan: Did you wanna punch Evan last night? Chad: No I just wanted him to leave me alone. Dan: Really? He was pretty scared. People think that maybe you’re out of control, eh? You’re like this animal. A loose cannon or something. Chad: (munching on unidentifiable food item) Huh? Dan: You punched a door. Chad: So? Dan: Like, as the days go on, it’s more difficult for me, because it’s like, if I talk to you, I get, like, dragged down. You’re like, like, like, it’s like, let’s just pretend you’re Hitler … Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler. Dan: Well, let’s just say it, ya know? Chad: Let’s not say it. Dan: Okay, well, let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that. If I hang out with you, it’s gonna make me look bad too, right? So maybe not be so much like Hitler or Trump. Maybe be more like Mussolini, ya know? We’re just talkin’ like two guys, right? Chad: (munches cabbage or lettuce or some weird-ass leaf-looking thing and stares at Dan)
A SWINGING TIME FOR JOJO AND JAMES:
So James Taylor, aka Howdy Doody, gets a one-on-one with JoJo, and they go back in time for a Swing Dance lesson. The instructor is a lady in her 90’s, who met her husband on the dance floor. She is very sweet and she teaches them a routine. James is in suspenders, and JoJo is in a pretty dress, and they have a blast together learning the moves, even though James is terrified that he is awful. This man is WAY too nice of a person to be on this show, and I do declare that he will get his heart stomped on by the end of this season. After the lesson, they swing dance outside with a bunch of other couples, and they have a blast. Later that night, they sit in a convertible and look at the moon, and James cannot believe how lucky he is. This man is about to cry, and he is pretty much in tears almost every time he speaks. Tears of gratefulness. He says he cant believe someone like her would ever like a person like him, she says that he is the whole package. He tells cameras: “I’m gaining confidence in myself, when I see how she looks at me.” He plays a song that he wrote for her on his guitar and sings, and she gets all teary-eyed. They make out like teenagers on top of the car, and she tells cameras that he makes her feel a way that she is “not used to feeling.” She gives him the date rose, which means he is allowed to remain alive a bit longer.
BACK AT ALCOHOLIC MANSION:
Oh my god, is this shit over yet??? Nope. We are still in PART ONE of this crap!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!! Please hit me over the head with a tire-iron so I no longer have to watch this debauchery. Okay. So it’s Rose Ceremony night, and the Steroid Twins are working out again, while the others talk about Chad some more. They want to tell JoJo what an ass he is before the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison comes in and tells the guys there will not be a cocktail party tonight – but instead – there will be an all-day pool party with JoJo!!! They all cheer at this exciting news, and Chad eats a forkfull of pie angrily. Chris Harrison leaves the house, and Flacid Penis follows, asking to speak to him. He tells Chris about all the stuff Chad has been doing (as if he doesn’t know, please!) Tells him the guys don’t feel safe around him, and tells him how Chad RUINED HIS SHIRT!!!! (Again with the stupid shirt. Get over it already. He’s like that little kid from the 80’s movie “Better off Dead” who yells: ‘I want my 2 dollars! 2 dollars!”) Chris Harrison and his shades tell Evan that he and the show take this sort of thing very seriously, and that he will step in. He then takes Chad outside and speaks with him. They argue over whether or not Evan pushed Chad or Chad pushed Evan, and then Chris mentions that lots of the guys claim he is on steroids. His response is that he couldn’t have brought any with him, that it would be impossible. So that means, essentially: “Yes I’m on roids, but I couldn’t figure out a way to get that stuff into the mansion.” Chris tells Chad that this is his chance to make things right with the fellas, and that he should go in there and think about an approach that may be received well. The men all wait in the house, hoping that Chad is getting the boot from Chris. Bendy-Straw Dick is chewing his nails by the window like a 12-year-old girl. TO BE CONTINUED …………
CHAD-AGEDDON / PART DEUX:
Chad is pissed. He tells cameras that he is going to “cut everyone’s legs off and then their torsos and throw them all in the pool.” He goes into the mansion, all shirtless and shiny. This dialogue happens:
Chad: Okay, so Chris Harrison wants me to explain the issues we have been having in the house. I’m not here to start anything. I just want you to leave me alone, Evan, don’t push me. I hope the rest of our time can be civil. Sponge Dick: You owe me a NEW SHIRT, and an apology!!!! (AGAIN with the freakin’ shirt!) Chad: Oh my god, Fine! I will give you $20, okay? You tried to push me over. Erectile: You GRABBED MY NECK AND RIPPED MY SHIRT!!!! (Everybody drink each time Evan says the word SHIRT.) Wells: People feel uneasy in the house with you. Chad: (drinking anti-freeze or NyQuil, apparently, stares ….)
Again, nothing happens. JoJo pulls up in the car for the pool party. Things start out lovely. They are all shirtless and shiny, they swim, they hot tub, they stare at JoJo in her bikini. They drink, and drink some more. Evan comes out bleeding and JoJo jokes around with Chad, asking if he did it. Turns out good ole E.D. just had a bloody nose. Chad says to cameras: “Apparently he just starts bleeding thinking about me.”
JoJo does the one on one private time with different men again. Her and Chad talk again, and their conversation is just as pointless and confusing as last time. He says that if she is into Evan, then she can’t also be into HIM. “It’s like, do you want steak, or ice-cream?” Huh??? What if I want steak, and then ice-cream for dessert? What kind of dumb-ass question is that? Once again, little annoying Evan interrupts Chad and JoJo, because he is a total pain in the ass, and now Chad is pissed off. Again. He goes and sits on an inflated Swan in the pool and pouts. Everyone JoJo talks with warns her about Chad. Derek tells her there is Security because of Chad. Chad overhears this, and gets even more mad that Derek is talking about him with JoJo. All the men are wearing the exact same tribal looking necklace of some kind, like they are in some weird cult. They are all shirtless with these necklaces on. Chad goes outside while drinking anti-freeze and kicks an inflatable pool Swan in the head.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Lots of men want this to be the end of Chad. It is not. She calls his name last, of course, to build drama where there is none. Christian, Nick, and Eyebrows all go home. They are sad, and Eyebrows entire body turns into one big eyebrow as he gets into the sad limo to go home.
NEMACOLIN IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FALL IN LOVE:
The gang leaves the mansion for good, and begins going on road trips. First stop is Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, because let’s pick the most random place on earth. Of course, like every place this show goes, it is declared the PERFECT place to fall in love.
LUKE AND JOJO DATE:
So Luke gets the one-on-one date with JoJo. They go outside and into a wood-fire hot-tub with champagne and strawberries. JoJo loves that he is a “GQ looking model type.” Wow, that’s deep. The hot tub proves to be so hot they can barely sit in it, but they laugh the day away and bond over some kissing. Then it’s time for the night portion of the date – another romantic dinner where nobody eats a damn thing. He tells her about his life in the military as a Leutenant, and how he lost a friend in combat in Afghanistan. THey kiss a lot, then they kiss some more in public, onstage during a Dan and Shay concert in front of the whole crowd. Because that’s normal. She gives him the rose, and quite a bit of her tongue.
GROUP ORGY NUMERO DOS: (I mean … Date)
The Group Date takes place at Football Stadium, with the help of 3 pro players. They put the men through a series of exercies like running, tackling, throwing passes. Then they split into two teams and have to play each other in a game. Winning team gets the rest of the date with JoJo while losing team goes home. James Taylor starts bleeding mid-game and needs stitches, but hangs tough to finish. Evan gets yet another nosebleed like a 5-year-old. He sits in the corner and drinks his Juice Box. The Blue team wins, and the White team joins Luke, Alex, and Chad back at the house.
The winners and JoJo have a cocktail party. Robby is falling for JoJo, and they kiss on top of a pool table. JoJo tells cameras: “He is a man.” Why, yes he is. How very observant. Really? Then she kisses Derek too. Then James. Then Jordan tells her he is falling for her, and she kisses him. I’m guessing she also kissed Chris Harrison too. She gives the rose to Jordan.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the 2 on 1 Date card arrives, and, surprising no one, it pins Alex against Chad. The men all get into an epic argument, again, stemming from nothing. This brilliant conversation takes place:
Chad: From now on, who here has a problem with me? (all raise hand) Okay, you, you , you, don’t talk to me. Ever. (drinks his mud in a cup) Alex: She wants to see a real man. We are polar opposites. Chad: Yeah. You’re a whiny little bitch. Alex: I can’t wait to see you go home. You just showed the whole world who you are. (Dan is giggling in the corner) Chad: You wanna take it outside right now? (What is this, the old West?) Alex: If you ever come at me like you did the other night, I will lay you out. Grant: Someone asks you a question, you walk away. Say 2 words and walk away. You’re a coward. Chad: YOU wanna go outside????
(Nobody goes outside.) Chad: I’m done.
(Leaves. Nobody goes outside.)
A BIT LATER……. Jordan: Hey Chad, you wanna join the conversation over here? Chad: No, I’m good. Jordan: Of course. Walk away like always. Chad: You think this is just a show? That you’re safe for now. When this ends, you go home. And you think I can’t come find you when you go home. You think I won’t come to your house?” Jordan: You think I’m scared of you? Chad: I think you should be.
(shot of E.D. Evan wetting his pants in the corner) Jordan: Alright tough guy. please come find me.
Nothing happens. They all sit way too close together on giant couch, with Chad sitting in chair behind them.
MOST AWKWARD 2 on 1 DATE OF ALL TIME:
JoJo meets Chad and Alex in the middle of the woods, because let’s make this as creepy as possible. He helps her and takes her hand as they walk through the woods, and then sit on a blanket together, the three of them. She takes Alex aside first, leaving Chad on the blanket alone. She asks about Chad, and Alex tells her what a douche he is and how he threatened to beat up Jordan just this morning. She is disheartened to find all this out, but she thanks Alex for telling her. Then she has time with Chad. She asks him about his behavior, and he makes it sound like it’s no big deal. He says he hasn’t touched anyone, and he tells her they all push him too far. He says “what am I supposed to do?” She says: “Not threaten to beat people up.” She says she needs to think and leaves him. He goes back to where Alex is, and they sit side by side on the blanket like a couple.
Chad: I’m not very happy with you. Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes. (What???) Alex: We can agree on that. (Huh???) Chad: So did you just talk about me the entire time? It’s unfortunate I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble. Alex: That is all you do. You have to get violent. Chad: You are so angry. Have a glass of milk. Chill out. (WTF?) Alex: No. I don’t like milk. (What the …. ) Chad: You should. It’s delicious. (Is this real dialogue?)
JoJo comes back finally. She asks Chad one more time if he really threatened Jordan earlier. He says that maybe he might have said something to that effect. She says she does not like violence and she gives the rose to Alex. She says: “I’m going to say goodbye to you right here”, probably so he won’t beat the living crap out of them both, and her and Alex walk off together hand in hand, leaving Chad alone. Chad to nobody: “Am I getting pranked right now?” Alex and JoJo kiss, and they walk hand in hand to a cabin for the rest of their date. She expresses to Alex that she is so relieved that is over with, and she is happy they no longer have to deal with Chad.
JUST THEN………..
A man comes into the mansion and removes Chad’s luggage from the house, indicating to the men that Chad is the one being sent home. They break out the champagne and celebrate his departure. They toast and laugh and cheer. And then, there is a knock and a scratch at the door.
It’s CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he is coming for the heads of every man in the mansion ………
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEXT WEEK:
Chad eats a human head for protein.
JoJo makes out with an inflatable pool Swan.
Limp Dick Evan finally gets erect at the sight of Chris Harrison shirtless.
Person of Interest Season 5 Episode 11: “Synecdoche” Tuesday, May 7, 2016
The pain and sadness on Person of Interest continued this week as the team mourns the loss of Root while Team Machine stops a presidential assassination. Thankfully, CBS gave us, the viewers of this amazing show, the decency of a full week to cope with Root’s loss instead of bombarding a bazillion episodes into a 48 hour period.
I knew that “Synecdoche” was going to be hard to watch, and within minutes of watching my heart had already dropped to my stomach as Fusco and John stand outside the gates of a cemetery, watching Root be buried in an unmarked grave.
Everyone is feeling the loss of Root. One thing that Root had in spades was charm and charisma. No matter how twisted and evil the things she did were, you couldn’t help but love her. Root was a hero that sacrificed her life to save humanity and there are only four people in the world who know that. Even Fusco loved Root’s crazy ass:
Fusco: “I really admired her. Don’t get me wrong she was crazy as a clown, but she had conviction. She gave this fight everything she had…Rest in Peace Cocoa Puffs. Lord knows you deserve it.”
Shaw isn’t at the cemetery because she is mourning in her own way. And her own way is by standing in a playground. Her safe place. The place that she chose to shoot herself over 7,000 times instead of killing the woman she loved. But the person that made this place safe is no longer here. She is constantly rubbing the spot behind her ear to feel for the chip that proves that this is just another simulation, that this bad story will end soon.
John finds her in the park and she just rolls her eyes at him and walks away:
Shaw: Wanna ask how I’m feeling? John: (Sighs) How are you feeling? Shaw: I’m not feeling anything.
As Sameen says this, I can’t help but think back to Season 3’s episode Razgovor when her mission is to save a mini child-detective Gen. Gen wants to give Shaw a token as a thank you for saving her life, and hands over her grandfather’s medal of honor:
Shaw: “I’m just not wired for this kinda stuff kid.” Gen: “I know. I figured you out. It’s not that you don’t have feelings, it’s just like the volumes turned way down. Like the sound on an old tape. The voices are there, you just have to listen.”
I think Sameen trying to grapple with the loss of Root exemplifies what the kid was saying. Root made her listen closely to that old tape and feel, at least in some part, to those feelings that were previously muted.
John tries to get her back into the fight, but Shaw has already made her decision. She killed herself 7,000 times so she would not have to feel the loss of Root. This simulation sucks and she wants it to end so she runs out to the street and screams “Here I am. Come and get me.” Before John can stop her a car screeches in front of her, but it isn’t a Samaritan operative that emerges. It is a man delivering an envelope from Thornhill Corporation (the company the Machine created when she thought she was going to die). The Machine has just delivered Shaw a new identity. She has also delivered Team Machine a new number, the president of the United States. Well I guess they are headed to D.C.
Once in D.C. Reese and Shaw head over to a Presidential Gala of some sort, but Shaw’s invite did not come with a plus one, leaving John to think quick on his feet. And that is when Logan Pierce comes to the rescue, because apparently this team is unable to function without a white rich tech geek backing them up. If you recall, Logan Pierce is one of the founders of Friendczar whose number came up in Season 2.
While John is schmoozing with Pierce, Shaw gets sucked into a boring political chat with a senator’s wife. This is how excited Shaw is to be in this conversation.
Thankfully John finds the bomb threatening the president’s life and Shaw is able to leave this snoozefest before it is her turn to speak. After helping defuse the situation (pun very much intended), a Vigilance like message appears on all of the screens in the room:
It is also broadcast all around town which leads Reese and Fusco to believe that their irrelevant former geeky tech billionaire is the perpetrator. And the first step to finding Pierce is by kidnapping and interrogating a waiter, Charlie, from the Gala. John goes first, but his ‘good cop’ routine yields no results. Luckily Shaw is on deck and more than ready to approach the plate. And when she gets there she lays it down hard on waiter boy Charlie.
Shaw: “See, I’m made for this kinda work. None of this bothers me. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel scared. I don’t make friends so I have nothing to lose. But you, you’re just a normal guy with a normal life.”
But you DID make friends Sameen! Anyway Shaw continues to detail to Charlie how she is going to torture everyone he loves if he doesn’t tell her what she wants to know.
Shaw: “If I could feel sympathy for you Charlie I would, but I don’t. What I do feel is anger. I’m angry that you’re trying to kill the president. I’m angry that we’re stuck in a room with you. But most of all, I’m angry that you have people who you can love and you chose to sign their death warrant.”
Oh man, Sameen, my heart is breaking for you, even if your heart can’t. And the way Sarah Shahi delivers the line makes it all the more heartbreaking. As I have said in at least two previousrecaps, Sarah Shahi’s acting has been impeccable this season. Her portrayal of Shaw is almost mesmerizing.
Shaw ends her interrogation by electrocuting him, and then letting him escape so he can lead them to his leaders, which is the same location that the President is currently giving a speech.
Shaw and John head to a roof to get eyes on the plaza and soon realize that there is no shooter. This assassination will executed by compliments of a drone. The only way to stop POTUS from dying is by shooting at him. So John tells Shaw to shoot the president to save his life.
Shaw: “Whatever you say Wilkes-Booth”
Man I love this show.
The two now have to escape from the building where they literally just shot at the president. Not an easy task, but if anyone can do it, it is these two crazy killers. They are almost free and clear , after kicking the ass of some Secret Servicemen on steroids when Vigilance 2.0 corners then in the stairwell. This situation won’t be as easy to get out of. Luckily Joey Durban, the soldier turned bank robber who John saved in season one (side note: also Amy Acker’s husband) comes to save their asses and throws them army fatigues to change into.
When they finally escape, Shaw comes to a realization, that Samaritan no longer considers the President of the United States relevant. I know that this is really important, but I am not sure i really understand Samaritan and what it does enough to fully understand why. I will take Sameen’s word for it though.
Shaw: “If Samaritan wants to take down the entire world, I’m sure as hell not gonna make it easy for it. That’s what Root would have wanted.”
After saving the life of the president, John and Fusco meetup with Joey Durban and Logan Pierce. Harper Rose, a con man woman whose number came up in Season 4, is also there. The reason that John felt like he was being followed all episode was because he was. The Machine sent these three irrelevant’s John’s number. The Machine recruited them, and they are now working for Team Machine: DC.
Adventures of a Boy and his ASI
Harold is in Kentucky, fixing his car when The Machine in Root’s voice starts talking to him again. It is hard to explain the comfort and eeriness in hearing her voice. It is strange because Machine-Root talks in a calmer, softer manner than Real Root. She doesn’t have the life and enthusiasm that Real Root had. She sounds almost childlike. It is almost like when the Machine stopped talking directly to Root and she was sad and lonely and Shaw called her Eeyore. (hold it together Alyssa).
He tells The Machine to stop talking in Root’s voice, because it is too painful for him to handle, so she changes her voice to his old Earth Science teacher. It is at this moment that it really hits me: The Machine can sound like Root, talk like Root, think like Root, but she isn’t Root.
Harold:“I don’t expect you to understand the loss of Miss Groves.” Machine-Root: “But I do understand. I loved her. You taught me how.” Harold: “I didn’t teach you how to love.” Machine-Root: “Of course you did. You taught me to see everything. See everyone. And I do, but I see thousands of versions of them. What they were, what they are, what they could be. And what is love if not being seen.” Harold: “Then why not choose one of the thousands as your voice? Why here?” Machine Root: “Samantha Groves was special. She was capable of terrible things but she chose to do good. Well ever since she found you at least. I watched her 12,483 times is the seconds before she expired. I couldn’t save her but I kept trying. You can’t conceive of my grief because you can’t experience it like I do. But it’s there. My approximation of Samantha Groves is 99.6% accurate. We are virtually indistinguishable. I find comfort in that.”
I love hearing what The Machine is thinking, hearing her reasoning. And I love that Harold has to finally face that the being he created isn’t just code. She feels and thinks because that is how he created her. I love the line “You can’t conceive of my grief because you can’t experience it like I do. But it’s there,” because it mirrors how Shaw is grieving. When Lionel expresses concern that Shaw isn’t grieving John’s response is:
“Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean she’s not grieving”
The two people who were the closest to Root, who loved her the most are not able to show their grief. How dare Harold or anyone try to minimize their pain.
On that note, the next stop on this Texas road trip is diner where Harold and Machine-Root discuss the value of pain. Harold asserts that the constant presence of pain in his life is necessary because “Justice is important and all my crimes have gone unpunished.” One of those crimes is creating The Machine. Machine-Root is taken aback and upset, trying to defend her existence. She was created to do good. Harold goes on to compare The Machine to Freon. Freon was created as a stable, non flammable chemical for refrigeration. While it saved many lives by not having fridge’s explode and kill people it was later found to be a main culprit in the depletion of our ozone layer. But this conversation isn’t about The Machine. It’s about the legacy that Harold is afraid he will leave. How did this become about you Harold? Machine-Root tries to reason with him, saying that if she granted him access to an open system, she can help more lives. But Harold ignores her, as he has been doing for so long so she tries to reason with him some more:
Machine-Root: “Think of everything I must see in order to identify the numbers. Millions of people caught in cycles of anger and violence and all I can do is watch. Powerless as humanity repeats the same mistakes over and over. You built me to help people, but I have been unable to affect real change. To fulfill my purpose. I could help so many and yet you shackle me.” Harold: “I wanted to keep you safe but you are right. For so long I have intended nothing but good and it hasn’t gotten us very far. Perhaps it’s time for a different tactic.”
I will repeat this again… Harold, how did this all become about you? Your child is trying to explain to you how she thinks, how she feels, the toll of what YOU created her for has on her. She sees horror and murder and death in order to help you save lives. And your only response to this is “how can I fix this so I won’t leave a positive mark on the world.”
The different tactic Harold decides to use is uploading a virus that will defeat Samaritan, but will also cause tons of collateral damage. As Harold is about to leave the facility, he is stopped by an Officer Terrence Johnson, and then Harold does the unthinkable. Harold tells Terrence’s that if he does not let him leave the building, he will ensure that his daughter will not receive the heart transplant that she has been waiting for. He will move her to the bottom of the donor list, and she will be dead in five weeks. I don’t know how to express how disappointed I am in Harold. That is lower than low. This was maybe the most chilling moment of this show and proves that Elias may have been right. Harold may have a darkness inside of him. A darkness we are all about to see.
Also:
How were those parents in the park not creeped out by Shaw, an adult in all black with a black cap, just standing on a playground with their kids playing around her?
Jake was killed off last week so, naturally, MTV’s target audience for “Scream” came back with their hands open ready for more shocks. MTV, however, doesn’t care what you want. MTV says, “You got your shock last week. We’ll give you more when we feel like it. Now go watch ‘Pretty Little Liars’, assholes.”
Then they create this episode.
An episode called, “Psycho”.
“Psycho”.
Yes, that “Psycho”. The one by legendary director Alfred Hitchcock’s suspense-horror masterpiece of 5o-plus years.
“Psycho” (sorry, gotta hit my SEO quota here) featured an insecure woman who’s involved in a love affair with a decent, yet flawed guy — and ends up seeing her life suddenly cut short when she runs into a buzzsaw (or, in this case, a big chef’s knife) by way of the crazy Mrs. Bates at “The Bates Motel”, a seemingly innocent lodge in the middle of nowhere run by Bates’ awkward son, Norman.
This episode features kids in high school studying psychology. Emma’s a bit insecure. Kieran is a decent, yet flawed guy.
Also, the episode has a motel in it. Run by “Eddie Kruger”.
Nailed it!
I can just see the well-meaning producers of “Scream” sitting there, crestfallen, as the awesome script they wrote as a homage to one of their favorite directors got neutered to the point where the motel clerk is a geeky dude talking about motel clients with “J-Horror hair” instead of a subtly creepy guy with stuffed animals in his parlor while the audience is force-fed the flavor-of-the-month bubble gum pop by an artist not named “Taylor Swift”.
This episode deals with the Lakewood Six Five and their quest to resolve some pretty heavy shit.
Brooke can’t find Jake and spends, like OMG TWO GODDAMN DAYS texting him instead of, I dunno, going to his fucking HOUSE to look for him. She even lowers her standards and promises some hot PG-13 nookie (side-boob, in this case) if he texts back. Ladies…if you’re promising a dude some free ass and he ain’t bitin’, he’s either extremely gay, busy with somebody else (or porn) or he’s dead if his phone battery isn’t dead. Ok?
Those are the only three options to choose from.
Meanwhile, Kieran is underage and needs a “legal guardian” since his Dad is dead. All of this is nonsensical considering that Jake’s the same age and lives alone in his absentee parents’ house, but let’s go with it. “Aunt Tina” (Karina Logue) is there to make the save, acting as though she’s been there all along. She just appears out of nowhere, as if she’s been living under the sink this whole time, to reason with Sheriff Acosta who gives Tina and Kieran time to deal with the situation. Acosta, if you remember, is the same dude who let two aggravated assault suspects go last week. He’s nothing if not consistent. When Kieran gives the bad news to Emma that he may have to move, Emma is shattered.
Weren’t they not a thing last week?
She’s in the middle of her mid-teen crisis with this whole murderous pig farm thing and the creepy house next to it that contained a creepy stalker shrine devoted to Emma, which even her psych teacher dismisses as “hallucinations”. After all, the pictures and TV with static on it and beat-up easy chair weren’t there when Emma and her Mom (who has, thus far, been relegated to hanging out in the family kitchen with a mug of joe, serving up hot exposition that could have been oh-so-useful last season) checked the place out during daylight hours.
The ol’ “it-was-there-and-now-it’s-not” thing has been done. Originally, it was kinda cool because, done right (everything vanishes just a few minutes later after discovery), it made the protagonist look a few tacos short of a combo platter. It’s not effective when Emma just can’t figure out how stuff can disappear on its own twelve hours later.
But Emma powers through it. With the advice of her teacher, she goes back to the dock (where Piper nearly filleted her and her mother) to confront her ghosts, personified, in this case, by Ghost McMeltFace 2.0, who she sees from across the lake. Then she blinks him away. Yay! She’s cured! Now what? Well, to her credit, she came here with Keiran and he’s a dude she once had sex with in the middle of your lazy neighbor’s overgrown weeds last season, so we’re presented to some heavy petting in Kieran’s truck. It’s that anti-climatic and silly.
The entire thing is what’s wrong with this episode and, perhaps, the series: the deeper-layered stuff on the show is treated like a cheap plot device to advance the more shallow goals the writers wish to achieve. Brooke is hypersexual, applying a thick layer of red lipstick and showing off cleavage, ready for Jake to ravish her. Forget the fact that, to her, he’s a total cad who didn’t speak to her for quite some time. Brooke’s just a ditz who needs some and needs it now.
Case-in-point: Jake’s halfway out of the picture but Brooke feels the completely arbitrary need to flirt with Gustavo (Santiago Segura), the sheriff’s son while she’s waiting to report Jake as “missing” to the Lakewood Police. She does this even after he tells her that he “ranks the “Lakewood Six by number” for some reason. Mmmmm…creepy behavior is sexy…MAMA NEEDS SOME AND SHE NEEDS SOME NOW!
“Scream”, as we’ve discussed, isn’t at all subtle with their red herrings. Which is why we get Aunt Tina’s creepy son, “Eli” (Sean Grandillo), a kid who knows Emma but doesn’t go to school because he’s “thinking about attending here”. Y’know, since Lakewood High is just like Yale and Stanford and allows prospective students to wander the halls unattended.
You think that’s bad?
Try Emma’s father coming back into her life. At first this is clever. The showrunners are obviously inspired by the “mysterious antagonist slowly stalking the protagonist with a beat-up car” thing from John Carpenter’s “Halloween”…until you realize where it ended up.
“WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME???” Screams a tearful Emma after failing to outrun the creepy, beat-up car that chased her around the block.
“I was trying to figure out the best way to tell you I was back,” her father explains.
Really?!
“The best way” to reveal yourself to your daughter is stalking her in a beat-up car, then chasing her around town?
This series, man.
To its credit, the best moments still come from Audrey and Noah. Noah loves horror but remains obsessed with the truth — something, he admits, “he won’t like when he finds it”. That’s because, as we’ve discussed, Audrey was Piper’s seeming accomplice in the first round of the Lakewood Murders. It’s a three-way cat-and-mouse game: while Noah hunts for the last piece of the puzzle, the Killer wants Audrey and is toying with her while Audrey wants to figure out who is behind the games and why.
One of the best moments in the episode comes when Noah’s about to add a little more color to the picture in his mind via “Eddie Kruger” at the Not Bates Motel. There’s a phone call. It’s the Killer — or so we think. They threaten Eddie with certain death if he tells Noah one more word. The camera cuts to the person calling Eddie: it’s Audrey. And she isn’t above saying some of the most gruesome stuff you’ve ever heard in order to make Eddie piss his pants in fear. It’s topped off by Noah meeting up later with Audrey in the parking lot, all smiles, checking in with her BFF who, she quickly finds out, is still very determined to get the information he seeks.
While Noah struggles, Audrey’s knee-deep in her own mess: the Killer leads her directly to the body of Jake with a nice note attached to it, taunting Audrey for her complacency in the first series of murders.
And it gets even more interesting when Zoe seems to be showing signs of getting a touch closer to Noah in class, something more that Audrey has to put on her plate. But since this is “Scream”, is Zoe part of Noah’s picture? Or is it just a “high school crush” as Noah puts it? The whole Noah/Audrey dynamic just works so well because the two actors have such chemistry together. They’re the only two people here who seem to be having any fun with the material.
This week’s episode is more-of-the-same. We’re in a holding pattern. The second season isn’t laugh-out-loud terrible like the first and that’s a very good thing. I’m still waiting, however, for that breakout episode that thrills rather than bores.
The wait for Persona 5 in North America just got a little bit longer.
The much anticipated RPG from developer Atlus will hit store shelves on February 14, 2017 for the Playstation 3 and Playstation 4.
Persona 5 centers around the “internal and external conflicts of a group of troubled high school students who live dual lives as Phantom Thieves.” The series will follow its trademark formula as players will “live through the ordinary day-to-day of a Tokyo high schooler: attending class, after-school activities, and part-time jobs. But they also undertake fantastical adventures by using otherworldly powers to enter the hearts of people.”
Their power comes from the Persona, the Jungian concept of the “self”; the game’s heroes realize that society forces people to wear masks to protect their inner vulnerabilities, and by literally ripping off their protective mask and confronting their inner selves do the heroes awaken their inner power, and using it to help those in need. Ultimately, the group of Phantom Thieves seeks to change their day-to-day world to match their perception and see through the masks modern society wears.
Alongside the retail release, Person 5 will also release with two special editions for the Playstation 4. Details of the two limited PS4 editions of the games are:
SteelBook Launch Edition – PlayStation 4 only ($59.99/CA$79.99)
Available only to PS4 pre-orders and a limited number of day-one purchases, while supplies last.
SteelBook: The PS4 version will come specially packaged in a SteelBook collectible case, emblazoned with Persona 5 designs.
“Take Your Heart” Premium Edition – PlayStation 4 only ($89.99/CA$109.99)
Exclusive to the PS4 version of the game, the premium edition includes the following:
Soundtrack CD: A selection of music from Persona 5 by legendary series composer Shoji Meguro in a CD wallet featuring P5 artwork.
Morgana plush: Morgana the cat is not just the mascot of the Phantom Thieves, but is also a member—and also not just a cat! The premium edition includes an exclusive 4″ plush of Morgana.
64-page hardcover art book: This art book is full of concept sketches, character art, and more by character designer Shigenori Soejima.
SteelBook: As strong as a vault, the game disc for the PS4 will come specially packaged in a SteelBook collectible case, emblazoned with Persona 5 designs.
School bag: Designed after the traditional school bags in Japan, the exclusive replica bag comes complete with the Shujin Academy crest.
Collectible outer box: Easily the largest premium edition in ATLUS’ history, the entirety of the “Take Your Heart” Premium Edition comes in a colossal collectible box.
Persona 5 will release on the Playstation 3 and Playstation 4 February 14, 2017.
Person of Interest Season 5 Episode 10: “The Day the World Went Away Tuesday May 31, 2016
So I know I have been playfully talking about the emotions that Person of Interest makes me feel throughout the season (aka the past 4 weeks), but in all seriousness, I think this is the hardest recap that I will ever have to write. Since it took me so long to get this done, I think most people know which members of Team Machine died last week, Root and Elias. It is hard for me to explain why this Person of Interest has such a profound effect on me, and that is mostly because I am not sure myself.
It is rare for me to be this emotionally impacted by a show. The first time I ever remember crying during a television show was nearly two decades ago, when I was nine and watching the Season 2 finale of Buffy The Vampire Slayer “Becoming:Part 2.” Buffy had just thrust a sword through Angelus’s chest, only to realize a moment later that Willow had succeeded in turning Angel good again. She had just condemned the love of her life to an eternity in hell. I remember my chest tensing up, my breaths getting shallower and then hot tears come from my eyes as Buffy realized what she had just done. And that is when the sobbing began and I became undone. It was so powerful that thinking about it now still gets me a little emotional.
Since then, there have been only a handful of shows that have made me feel this way, Fringe, Doctor Who, and Teen Wolf to name a few. I guess what my point is, is that while yes, I do watch a lot of TV and enjoy the stories that are told, it is rare that a show impacts me on a level such as Person of Interest has.
This week, two characters of a show didn’t just die. No. This week, we lost two characters who exemplified that previous bad deeds do not define who you are. That redemption is possible. That one can go from being a killer for hire, or a ruthless mob boss, to die trying to save humanity.
Harry comes home to the subway where Root is waiting for him, ready to confront him about his decision to close off The Machine’s access to the open system. Even though Harold had yet to tell anyone of this plan, the Machine knew because that is what he created her for. To predict people’s moves. To understand them. Root takes the conversation a step further:
“I know why you didn’t give her a name. You don’t name something you may have to kill. You had to kill the first forty versions of her. But like it or not Harry, she is your child, and she is gonna die unknown. Unmourned. She’ll simply vanish without a trace. And you couldn’t even give her a real voice to ask you if it needs to end like this. ”
Harold argues that he did not name The Machine because he was hoping that one day she would name herself. As for a voice, he decides they ask her to pick one for herself. I want to take a moment and call bullshit on that self-naming nonsense. What kind of new school parenting BS is that Harold? I do not believe you for a second.
All hell breaks loose a little bit later when Harold’s number comes up. Harold made the mistake of going to the cafe where he and Grace had their first date ten years earlier and Samaritan figured it out. After saving Finch at his “day job” as a professor, the team regroups at the safehouse. Everyone on Team Machine is making it out like this is Finch’s first mistake. The whole reason Decima got its hands on Samaritan, the whole reason there is an ASI apocalypse is because of the mistakes Harold has made. His constant need to make decisions based on his ever fluctuating “moral compass.” I think Root describes Harold’s actions perfectly earlier in the episode:
Root: “We have the most powerful ally in the world, but you are too high-minded to let her help us. So we are going to end up the most principled corpses in Potter’s Field.”
Root pulls Harry aside in the safehouse and lets him know that she has placed a code in The Machine to allow her to defend herself, but the only way the Machine can access this defense system is if Harold asks her to. This is a perfect example to show how far Root has come since we first met her in season one where her only goal is to set The Machine free. She could have changed the code of The Machine herself, but she respects Harry a person as much as she respects The Machine, her god.
The gang decides their best chance of survival is to split up and Elias’s job is to keep Harold, his friend and ally, safe. He brings him down to the Double B highrises in Brighton Beach. The location where John brought Elias to keep him safe four seasons ago is the same place where Elias brings Harold to keep him safe. While Elias’s story ends at the same place it began, the man who died protecting Finch, is not the same man John met four years ago. John first met Carl Elias in season one when the alias Elias had assumed, Charlie Burton, came up. Charlie Burton was an unassuming teacher in Brighton Beach, and John thought he was just protecting another irrelevant from the Russian Mob. As it turned out, Elias used the cover of a teacher in Brighton Beach so he could learn the Russian mob’s secrets through their children. I don’t think anyone could have guessed the course that the relationship between Elias and Team Machine would run throughout the series. Team Machine got Elias arrested, and then aided in his escape from prison while ensuring HR didn’t murder him.
After that, their relationship became mutually beneficial. Elias would help Team Machine while dealing with shady people and providing them intel and connections, and Finch and co. helped Elias with The Brotherhood. Somehow, as most relationships on this show seem to manifest, a mutual respect and understanding between Finch and Elias organically formed into a friendship. And while Elias is by no means a “good guy” he does live by his own moral code. A code that at its core is built upon protecting the people he cares about and his city. And that is what Elias did, he died helping protect the people he cared about. One of the most sad and touching moment of the episode is when John sees Elias’ body, removes his glasses, and closes his lids.
RIP Carl Elias.
Meanwhile Root and Shaw are holding down the fort at the safehouse killing every Samaritan lackie that gets in their way. While the two are waiting for the next round of bad guys to come, Root tells Shaw that she doesn’t regret being in this mess at all.
Shaw: “It’d be nice if we could go back. I guess none of us has the life we want.” Root: “Actually Sameen, I’ve been hiding since I was twelve. This might be the first time I feel like I belong.”
Root finds Shaw hands, and holds it, and Shaw does not flinch or pull away. They sit there, with each other in their safe place, for just a moment until the next round of Samaritan operatives arrive.
The pair heads off to save the utterly defenseless, if not “morally upstanding”, Harold from Samaritan and find themselves in an epic shoot out. Root uses this moment to try to talk to Sameen about their personal issues, including Shaw’s “Simulation Thing.”
Root: “Anyway, Schrodinger said, at its base level the universe isn’t made up of physical matter, just shapes. I thought that might make you feel better.” Shaw:“Seriously?” Root: “A shape, you know? Nothing firm. What it means is that the real world is essentially a simulation anyway.” Shaw: “You are the last person I should have confided in about this.” Root: “I like that idea, that even if we’re not real we represent a dynamic. A tiny finger tracing a line in the infinite. A shape. And then we’re gone.” Shaw: “That’s supposed to make me feel better? I’m a shape.” Root: “Yeah. And darling, you got a great shape.” Shaw: “I swear to god you flirt at the most awkward times.” Root: “I know. Listen, all I’m saying is that, if we’re just information, just a noise in the system, we might as well be a symphony.”
There are so many things that I love about this conversation. The fact that they are having it during a shootout. The fact that Root thinks that this crazy notion that only she understands will make Shaw feel better. The fact that she can get Shaw to smile. I don’t think the two could have had more fitting dialogue for their last conversation.
After the shootout, Root tries to take Harold to safety, begrudgingly leaving Shaw behind to fight off Samaritan. During the car ride Root begins another philosophical conversation, this time with Harold about the people they have lost:
“I’m not talking metaphysics Harry. You built it but you refuse to accept what you created. I mean, Shaw’s a little screwy right now but she’s not wrong. We’re all simulations now. In order to predict what we do, she has to know us, and she’s gotten better and better at it. And the people she watches the most she knows the best. Better than we know ourselves. Nathan. Elias. Carter. They’re all still in there. The machine’s still watching over them. She’s watching over us too.”
This leads to the MOST EPIC CAR CHASE IN TV HISTORY!
It is just amazing. Root has Harold hand her a scrunchy because no one needs to deal with hair in your face during a shootout (also adorable that she calls it a scrunchy), crawls out of the sunroof with a huge ass guns and shoots some mother fucking Samaritans while DRIVING WITH HER FOOT.
After kicking ass, and shooting out the hood of the Samaritan truck, she casually gets back into the driver’s seat to continue her conversation with Harry.
“As I was saying, this is the next world Harry. The world you built, and as long as the machine lives, we never die…Listen, I know you have apprehension about what the machine is. About what she will become and I trust you Harold. I walked in darkness for a very long time until you guided me to light. And I wouldn’t change any of it, but we are not going to win this way. We can’t afford to lose. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do. And I know this is an ugliness you never wanted, but sometimes you need to fight a little.”
As they drive past, Root looks up and sees stupid Jeff up on the roof and throws herself in front of Harold to save his life. To me, this is not just a case of Root sacrificing herself for a “white man” as I have read some people claim. First, every character on this show lives every day under the assumption they probably will die. I can’t even count the number of times I have heard them say “It’ll be a hell of a way to go out” or an iteration along those lines. They are fighting in an AI apocalypse, of course there will be casualties. But besides that point, I view Root’s decisions in two ways. The first is a purely logical mindset. Root has programmed the Machine so that ONLY Harold can grant it full access to the open system. And the only way that they will win this war is if The Machine has access to the open system. The only way her friends and her god survive is if Harold survives. Therefore, if Root lets Harold die, then the war is over, they have lost. The second is, Root cares about Team Machine and their lives more than she does herself. The second is the emotional mindset. Root cares about Harold. She cares about humanity. She cares enough to sacrifice her life.
The pair is stopped by the police. Root is taken to the hospital and Harold to the police station where he has a one on one conversation with Samaritan. At first I thought he was talking to the machine, but upon second viewing, I am pretty sure it is Samaritan. He sits there staring up at the camera and says “I have played by the rules for so long.” The rules that he created to try to ensure that he was on the moral high ground. I understand the impact of this speech, of Harold finally deciding to take action, but it was hard for me to fully buy into it when Harold’s “Rules” seem to fluctuate as he sees fit. He takes the moral high ground when he sees fit. I think part of my frustration has to do with the condensed season. If the writers were able to spread out how annoying Harold was about his “rules” throughout 21 episodes instead of 13 aired two times a week over a one month period, I would have felt the gravity of this speech more. But really, what he is saying is that he is about to ask the Machine for help. Use the backdoor code that Root programmed. And, so, when he walks into the hall, he hears a payphone ring and when he picks up, it is Root’s voice on the other end.
The Machine: “Can you hear me?” Harold: “Root?” The Machine: “No, Harold. I chose a voice.”
The machine has chosen a voice, and that voice is Root. It is here that we discover with complete certainty that Root is dead. And it is heartbreaking. And devastating. But also amazing. The truth is, The Machine was Root’s first love. Root transcended into her god, she became one with her god. The one thing that gave her hope, that made her believe in humanity, that brought her to the woman that she loved. And to talk about the evolution of a character, I mean the growth of Root has been amazing to watch. When Root first kidnapped Harold in season one, she said to him:
“You may have told yourself that you were helping people but the real reason you built The Machine is because the world is boring. Human beings have come as far as we’re going to go. I wanna see what happens next.”
To Root, people were just bad code. They were inconsequential. Her new life goal was to set The Machine free. But then, The Machine chose Root to be her analog interface. She showed her that she didn’t need to kill people. That human life has value. The Machine introduced her to a group of people who finally made her feel like she belonged. She introduced her to the love of her life. And watching Shaw learn that Root is dead is one of the most heartbreaking parts of this episode because she can’t react or feel these emotions as normal people do.
But in the end, this is how Root would have wanted to go out. She is still living in The Machine. The Machine chose her. I am not mad at the show for killing off Root. It is what the character would have wanted. What I feel is profound sadness. Sadness that only a few shows have made me feel. Sadness that makes me feel stupid that it is coming from a TV show. And I think it is this that makes this episode, this show, so difficult for me. I almost wish that she died in a shitty way because then I could feel anger. Anger is something I know how to handle, how to process, how to sit with. But to be incredibly sad over the death of a character you have grown to love, but also understand it is what she would have wanted, how do you deal with that?
SCREAM Season 2, Episode 1
“I Know What You Did Last Summer”
GRADE: C+
Audrey’s in trouble.
Not Quite GhostMcMeltFace 2.0 has found her. He chases her through Lakewood’s town movie theater, Audrey’s new place of employment. He’s already stabbed a theatergoer right in front of Audrey and made her bleed out all over the lobby floor.
What’s worse, he’s gonna tape the murder with a GoPro attached to his chest which I’m sure makes that company happy. He’s got Audrey cornered — when she spots movie prop weapons inside of a display case. Smashing it open, she grabs a knife — a very real knife; I suppose you have to fight off theater gunmen somehow these days — and stabs Melty in the stomach!
But, wait!
It was all a prank! The whole thing was a joke! The girl that bled out on the lobby floor? She was a friend of the “killer” and she used a blood pack to simulate the heavy bleeding! Just kidding!
The cops? They actually 1) explain to one of the pranksters that Audrey’s actions are in self-defense and 2) they let the girl who “bled out” go.
Sigh…
Welcome to another fun-filled season of MTV’s Scream, where the “horror” is D.O.A. and logic doesn’t matter.
Here, we find Emma and the rest of the survivors of the first season (dubbed “The Lakewood Six”; kudos to Noah for not making a “LOST” reference, either a missed opportunity or the producers overlooked it) as they try to carry on with life following Emma’s near-demise.
How have “The Six” evolved?
Audrey and Noah are still friends. Brooke and Jake are still dumb and climbing all over each other like human jungle gyms and Keiran and Emma are split up, but still friends. Kinda. Kieran’s horny and Emma’s unsure but sorta willing. They’re like that couple in high school who you knew were hot and heavy for a good few months or so but who broke up…except you see them hanging out together every so often, so you assume they’re together, but they continue to get it on…forget it. Everything’s pretty much the same, except Emma won’t put out — which is just fine with her on-again/off-again boyfriend Kieran. (Predictable Not-Really-a-Spoiler Alert: they’re kinda, sorta “back together” by the middle of the episode.)
Emma’s suffering from PTSD and keeps having dream of a pig farm where a little girl slaughters a pig with a big smile on her face.
“I’ve been having these dreams since I was a kid,” she says with heavy conviction, which is funny since she never had these dreams during Season 1 but, hey, this is a new season and I’m all for the invention of false narratives and exposition as long as it improves upon the prior season. Let’s do this.
Noah’s got some dirt: that pig farm she’s been dreaming about is real which means that Emma needs to investigate it. Without the cops. In the dead of night. With Brooke tagging along. Brooke, thinking she’s gonna go to the mall and not to some creepy shack in the middle of nowhere. But she isn’t. She’s with Emma who needs to investigate the creepy shack.
And Emma’s not the only one being plagued by the past: the new “Killer” is pestering Audrey — and threatening to expose Audrey as The Killer’s Accomplice. Added to this new wrinkle is Noah who, unwittingly, may accidentally expose his very best friend before The Killer does.
What’s up with Brooke and Jake? Glad you asked. Brooke’s father is trying to make amends with Brooke who just isn’t having it while Jake’s dead.
Sorry about that.
In the series’ most goofy stretch, Jake gets knocked out, kidnapped, given the tools to escape his prison, then gets re-kidnapped and eventually killed by The New Killer who just gives not one fuck about anything except how to pointlessly prolong the death of somebody they kidnapped.
MTV’s usual goofiness aside, the episode cuts through the bullshit and delivers something watchable for a change. Yeah, there’s your usual “Noah Knows Everything” monologue and new characters to chew on and red herrings for days (the dude making pictures of Emma bleeding from her eyes is NOT going to be the killer…we know this, ok?) but the series’ second-season opener has what the first season lacked during it’s entire run: compelling storytelling and character development.
As silly as Emma’s “secrets” might be (The Killer is pasting photos of her near The Haunted Pig Shack of Doom), the idea that Audrey, the most fascinating character on the show (next to, I think, Noah), is being hunted by an unknown antagonist is music to my ears. I also love the duality and interaction between the aforementioned. Noah and Audrey are BFF’s — but what happens if Audrey’s soul is laid bare for Noah to see?
When I reviewed Season 1, I said that it was, “by all accounts, a failure, a colossal miscalculation”.
Here, the showrunners cut the fat, prey on one of the better characters on the show while killing one that isn’t of grand importance, and they make sure that we aren’t adding additional, unimportant plotlines or characters like we did the last time around.
I don’t expect much from MTV (and, seriously, who does?) but this was a good opener, a decent opener. Credit is given where credit is due…but the better question is this: how long can MTV keep this up?
This week on ‘Game of Thrones’: HBO has no respect for secrets, Jon and Sansa cold call the entire North to sell the Stark name, and Margaery draws a picture.
Spoilers through Game of Thrones 607: “The Broken Man.” You know the drill, this is Game of Thrones, people die, people come back to life, etc. So, if you don’t want to be spoiled, go watch it first! Then come back and gossip with me.
I envy you, Game of Thrones show-only watchers. Not only do you have just one year between installments, but you don’t have the trauma, the pain that is the theories surrounding the A Song of Ice and Fire series. You’ve heard a few, I’m sure. They trickle into show discussion every now and then, with their fancy tin foil hats and hope for the future. You see, for a lot of book readers, those theories are all we’ve had for years, we’ve clung to them like shields against the Long Night, hoping that they’ll keep us safe until the next book releases. And then, HBO comes along with a big stick and loud mouth, outpacing the books and smashing every theory to pieces. Whether they’re true or false, it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, the shield, the theory is no more, and we’re left with “show canon.”
And like with the Jon Snow revival from the dead, Game of Thrones smashed another theory to bits in the opening two minutes of “The Broken Man.”
Somewhere in the fields of the Riverlands
Game of Thrones rarely does cold opens, so often reserved for the really shocking moments. But when an opening like Game of Thrones can give so much away with just an actor’s name, it’s sometimes necessary. In the case of the Hound, his reveal came before the titles because it’s so much more rewarding to see his burned face first. It’s been over a year since Arya left him dying from wounds inflicted by Brienne of Tarth and even Arya thought he had died. It seems it’s pretty difficult to kill a Clegane these days.
Luckily for the Hound, he was found by Ian McShane Brother Ray, a peace-loving man wandering the Riverlands with his band of home-building hippies. Death has changed Sandor. He’s always been the gruff protector with a heart of gold-ish feelings, except that one time he killed Micah, the butcher’s boy, but with Brother Ray’s help, now he’s more pensive, more aware of what violence brings to the world. It doesn’t mean he isn’t going to use violence to achieve what he wants, it just means he might contemplate what that violence means before he goes through with the act. Unless someone steals his chicken. Then it’s fucking on.
During Sandor’s interlude with Brother Ray, the Brotherhood without Banners makes a guest appearance, threatening the poor hippies in a very unbrotherly fashion. Brother Ray is all, “It’s cool. We don’t even have horses. Most of us don’t even have pants. All we have is love and forgiveness.”
And then Sandor picks up his axe to get to work.
On a Bus Traveling Through the North
Jon and Sansa have borrowed Littlefinger’s traveling coach and are off gallivanting around the North to try to persuade its lords that Winter is Coming and with it is something far scarier than Ramsay Bolton. I find that hard to believe considering the White Walkers seem inclined to entertain reason, but hey, what do I know? At least the wildlings believe in Jon’s cause and they get behind him and his pretty man bun fairly quickly. Maybe it’s the view from behind. Maybe Tormund is hoping he’ll get more time with Brienne. Whatever the case, plus 2000 men. Good job, Snow.
The first stop on the Fuck the Boltons north tour is Bear Island, home of the most amazing Lord in all of Westeros: Lady Lyanna Mormont. Having lost all of her other family members, Lady Mormont is a stern force to be reckoned with, not easily sold on the Stark’s plan for retaking Winterfell. With only a few words, girlfriend renders both Jon and Sansa speechless, ready to give up on their plight to get more men to oust the Boltons. It’s only when Ser Davos, an outsider, speaks up and informs Lady Mormont of what’s out in the world that she puts her hand up and makes the decision to send men to their cause. It may only be 62 men but if they’re half as fierce as their Lady, I have no doubt they’ll make an impact on the fight. Also, I’m convinced they have actual bears.
Season 6 has been about the strong women in Game of Thrones and Lady Mormont may have been the best yet. In five minutes we saw her heed experienced council, put a stop to bullshit and flattery, and then make a reasoned decision based on the knowledge at hand. Oh, did I mention Lady Mormont is only ten years old? Which means she wrote this defiant message to Stannis with in own hand:
Next stop on the Fuck the Boltons tour (any excuse to type that phrase) is House Glover at Deepwood Motte aaaaaaaaand the meeting isn’t as successful as it with the Mormonts. And by “as successful” I mean, “Jon got his pretty little face kicked in.” Lord Glover recently recovered his home from the Ironborn squatters leaving stains of old gods knows what on his carpets so he’s a bit gun shy about letting anyone else inside. I spent the entirety of this scene doing two things: 1. Trying to figure out where I knew the actor who played Glover from (Father Bain, Outlander) and 2. Praying that Sansa would put him in his fucking place. In the end, he gives the Starks the ol’ middle weirwood and tells then to go sell their Cutco knives elsewhere.
Jon plays his Charlie Brown music and decides to just quit the sales game as he’s never going to make enough money again to buy his fancy shampoo specifically cultivated for luscious dark curls. He decides he’s had enough disappointment in his life and he’ll just end it outside Winterfell where Stannis bit the big one, thankyouverymuch. Sansa, sick of his whining and fear of girls, decides to write to Littlefinger for aid, even though she totally said she’d never do that.
Volantis
If Ironborn ships can sail across the narrow sea in just one episode, that needs to be their sales pitch to Dany. Forget seduction and rebirth speeches. The Mother of Dragons has heard it all before, but ships that travel at the speed of Littlefinger are of some serious use to her.
Asha Yara, meanwhile, is making good use of the whole, “drink til doesn’t hurt anymore” therapy ol’ Pops was fond of. Seems like she and Tyrion might get along quite nicely. Theon is a bit hesitant and was kind of hoping he’d have a little more time to process his years and years of mental and physical torture, but Yara is all, “drink or kill yourself, I’m tired of you crying. I’m trying to get laid over here.” Theon decides to drink to tough love, as is the healthy way to do things. Buck up, pal. Pretty soon you’ll meet an entire army of Unsullied, which might be good for your mental well-being.
King’s Landing
I KNEW IT. Margaery you beautiful fucking liar, you. Way to play the part and trim down your attire too, home girl. Continue admitting your flaws and don’t make eye contact, lest they see the glimmer of a rose in your eyes. They’ll believe you as a convert soon enough.
The Sparrow may be suspicious of Margaery’s actions but he can’t pinpoint anything particularly out of place, so he goes along with it, much in the same way Cersei went along with the Sparrow’s plans before realizing too late what he was up to. Margaery controls Tommen, especially now that she’s getting off on withholding, so he’ll go as she does. She’s just waiting for the hot mess that is Cersei to implode before making her next move. She tells the Queen of Thorns to Highgarden it out of there and for as someone as astute as Olenna, damn, does she take a long time to read eyebrow language. It takes a toddler’s drawing of a flower to get Lady Olenna to realize that Margaery knows what she is doing.
Though, she could have cooled it on the change in demeanor. She went from rabid to understanding in two Cersei seconds flat.
Speaking of Cersei, she comes in to sadly bid Olenna adieu and tries to get her to stay and join their two houses to make right what Cersei did wrong. Olenna puts a pin in her ego and reminds her she did this all by her lonesome so she can get out of it on her lonesome. Besides, what is she going to do? Kill them all? And then Cersei starts getting ideas:
Riverrun
Jaime and Bronn are back together! I repeat: Jaime and Bronn are back together! I loved Tyrion and Bronn together, but there’s something so special about this pairing because at his core, Jaime tries to be a good person. He tries to be the hero and Bronn’s all “LOL dude you bone your sister and have no hand. You ain’t a hero.” Bronn is that sarcastic reminder that Westeros isn’t all noble knights and ladies in pretty dresses. It’s siege trenches made of shit. It’s brothels and bastards. And it all comes at a price.
Jaime comes face to face with the Blackfish who refuses to give up Riverrun to those godless Freys, even when they threaten to kill his nephew, Edmure. The Blackfish is stone cold and oh dear god do I want him to face off against Ramsay. Here’s hoping this siege ends soon and Brienne and the Blackfish team up with Jaime and Bronn and they head north to put a sword in that bastard’s gut. But I digress.
The ex-Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, looking ravishing in that red Lannister armor is all, “Brynden. Baby. Remember your house words? Just hand over the castle.”
And then then the Blackfish tells Jaime he’s a disappointment and Jaime remembers his dad is dead.
Braavos
Arya’s out for her daily rich person stroll in Braavos. Why she’s doing such is BEYOND me. It’s not like she was born yesterday. It’s not like she’s Sansa from 5 seasons ago. She knows that the Faceless Men are after her. She knows they’ll kill her. She knows they can wear any face they like, hiding in plain sight. But she does so anyway and openly books passage to Westeros with bags of money that she definitely earned selling oysters, clams, and cockles. As she’s wistfully staring at the Titan of Braavos, the Waif appears and I’m reminded of a horrific scene from season 3:
Arya limps through Braavos, bleeding out, finally realizing that now she knows what it’s like to truly be No One. Arya can’t die so I have two theories on the matter: 1. Lady Crane saves her life, repaying the debt or 2. Arya was actually Jaqen H’ghar and he’s making good on that third life he owes her. Either way, Arya’s not dead.
Random Thoughts
Both Clegane brothers have been brought back from the dead, in one way or another; both brothers have a renewed sense of purpose. And now, I suspect, both brothers are headed toward a battle full of so much hype not even the internet can slay it.
I’m kind of bummed that the Brotherhood without Banners is killing innocents. They were originally led by Beric Dondarrion, sent by Ned Stark, to take out The Mountain and his men ravaging villagers in the Riverlands. And now, they’ve become those monsters and a Clegane is out to stop them. It’s nice, thematically, but it still makes me sad.
Cersei is totally going to use those caches of wildfire under King’s Landing to kill everyone. That makes me less sad. Cersei’s broken; she’s lost. Let the world burn.
Spoilers through Outlander season 2, episode 9, “Je Suis Prest”.
On the surface, “Je Suis Prest” is a simple episode, one that acts as a bridge between Outlander’s major plot events. It’s not as tedious as “The Fox’s Lair”, nor will it prove to have as much action as next week’s “Prestonpans”, but for my part, it is the best episode of Outlander we’ve had.
Why? It’s essentially a training montage episode. Nothing riveting occurs. The old Mackenzie crew is back together with Dougal, Rupert, and Angus returning to the fold. But outside of season one’s finale, “” and this season’s “Faith”, it has been the most emotional episode. It gives us a glimpse at the characters we love, who they are deep down, and how they handle adversity.
Jamie, having acquired as many men as possible, is set to lead them to battle, but first they must train. It causes a rift between him and Dougal, as Dougal is eager to earn Prince Charles’ favor. Jamie knows the prince better than that, he knows the odds stacked against them, and he is less eager to ride off to war. He wants the men as prepared as they can be, because these aren’t men trained for battle. They’re blacksmiths and cottars, simple people armed with pitchforks. This difference of opinion causes a bit of a row between Dougal and Jamie, but Jamie stands his ground and reminds Dougal that he is in charge. They aren’t at Castle Leoch and Jamie isn’t a boy anymore.
It’s difficult for Jamie to find that balance between familial respect and leadership. Dougal took care of him, protected him. He was his mentor and a father figure. Jamie looked up to him in many regards, so to toss those memories aside in favor of ruling is act not easily done. But he does for the good of his men. Jamie makes the hard decisions to show his fighters what war costs, even if it means lashing his own men for carelessness.
Throughout the episode, Dougal fights back against Jamie’s wishes, calling him a coward and naive, but Jamie stands his ground. And when Dougal and his men make a careless mistake, letting a young assassin past their sentry to attack Jamie, it is Jamie who also takes a lashing, to prove that he is not approve reproach. Jamie, for all his charm and bluster in early episodes, is a born leader. And finally, by the episode’s end, Dougal has come to respect his place.
As much as I enjoyed watching Jamie as a leader, and Murtaugh boss around the baby Scots, it was Claire’s journey in “Je Suis Prest” that affected me the most. Of all the men preparing for war, it is Claire who has seen the worst of it, Claire who knows the harsh realities and recognizes that even a winning side endures heavy losses.
During the training, Claire suffers from flashbacks to her time during World War II. She’s a lighter Claire back then, a younger Claire who still has hope in the world. In these flashbacks she learns her famous catchphrase, “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ” and meets a pair of happy-go-lucky Americans, Corporal Grant and Private Lucas. She tries her best to be light-hearted in such a grim place, smilingly explaining the differences between American and English cuisine.
As the flashback continues, the trio travels merrily along an empty road when a German tank fires upon them, expelling them from the Jeep into a nearby trench. Claire and Corporal Lucas are tossed to relative safety but it’s Private Lucas who is still injured, trapped under the rubble of the explosion in the middle of the road, screaming for help. When the Germans move past, Corporal Lucas decides it is safe to try to rescue Lucas, but is ultimately shot down, and Claire is left alone in the dirt, crying, with only the sound of the boy screaming for his mother to keep her company.
Jamie notices the hollowness in Claire’s eyes as she does her duty throughout their camp, preparing for war and inevitable death. He asks her what is wrong, but like many who suffer from PTSD, she climbs inside her own mind for protection from the memories and tells him everything is fine. It’s only when he later finds her curled into a fetal position in the dirt that she admits what is wrong and tells him all about the horrors she’s seen, the deaths of those young boys in WWII, and how she sees them in the faces of all the other young Scots heading off their doom. There is no glory in war. Only the scarred memories of those unfortunate enough to survive it.
The episode isn’t all doom and gloom, however. There’s an upbeat interaction between our lovely Fraser couple, after the assassin William Grey tries to cut Jamie’s throat. He interrogates the young lad, to no avail, and Claire, not wanting Jamie to hurt the boy, uses her quite wit and English accent to coax him into talking. It’s a lovely scene that reminds us of the bond between these two. I know I say this weekly and I’m not sorry for it, but there’s such a realism to the way Jamie and Claire bicker, to the way they fight and demonstrate such passion with one another that is not seen anywhere else. Claire isn’t afraid to put Jamie in his place and Jamie isn’t afraid to get on her nerves. I love every moment these two are together.
In the end, the troops are ready to finally head out to meet the Bonnie Prince Charles and fight the redcoats, but you have to imagine, things won’t be as easy or as simple as they were in training. War awaits the Scottish.
If you thought last week’s Wynonna Earp was good, strap in boys and girls because things are about to get craaaaaaaazy up in Purgatory.
When we left off, WayHaught had become canon, Wynonna had forgive Dolls, and Bobo had bought up Shorty’s Saloon. Now, I don’t know if y’all know this about Wynonna yet, but she’s a teensy bit irrational, and kind of has a thing for grudges, so of course she’s going to be a bit peeved at Bobo’s actions. Naturally, she storms into Shorty’s without thinking, all anger and A+ hair game with poor, newly unicorned Waverly in tow.
I said this last week and I’ll say it again, these encounters, while exciting, make little sense to me. Bobo has Wynonna severely outnumbered, what’s to stop him from shooting both heirs and being done with it? Self-preservation seems to be the only thing stopping her from putting a bullet to his head. And despite their ongoing tête-à-tête, Bobo seems to have a bit of a soft spot where the Earp sisters are concerned but even then, they are his enemy. Unless they’re his ticket to freedom, in which case, he needs them alive. Whatever the reason, Bobo and Wynonna’s relationship is fascinating to me, one filled with loathing and bitter respect.
During the spitting contest between Elphaba Wynonna and Galinda Bobo, Waverly, ever the hero, manages to bug the saloon so the sisters, along with Dolls, can hear everything Bobo says to his revenant minions. Though, not without Bobo stealing Waverly’s necklace first and I’m sure that totally won’t come back to haunt the Earp sisters AT ALL. Of course, this little bit of intrigue doesn’t last long as Bobo finds the device and outs Wynonna and Doc’s romantic interlude. Wynonna, in a moment of sheer panic and adorableness, tries her best to change the subject and utterly fails.
“So who’s this Lou guy?” REAL SMOOTH, WYNONNA. But Dolls is a professional and definitely not one to run from his problems, so he gets up, completely cool with the image of Doc’s horse doing things to Wynonna, and goes somewhere. Anywhere. Wynonna, also handling the news well, interrupts a very horny S.S. Wayhaught ready to set sail once again in the sheriff’s office, and she’s completely oblivious to the universal sign for “WE TOTALLY WEREN’T DOING ANYTHING.” Then, in another case of “Wynonna makes great decisions” she meets with Doc who tells her she would look very pretty in blue and YOU GUYS I REALLY DON’T KNOW. I told myself I wouldn’t fall for a man with that kind of facial hair but he loves the color pink and he’s got these crazy eyes and he gets Wynonna and it’s all very creepy and look, I just have feelings, ok? Wynonna then ruins the mood to remind Doc that they’re just having sex and there’s no reason to get all emotional and attached and look, it’s just a car, ok? Her phone goes off to remind her it’s time to encourage that love triangle thing they have going, so she runs off to properly stalk Doc for a while. She’s an equal opportunity creeper.
Instead of watching Dolls from around the corner like any professional stalker, Wynonna intentional sets off his car alarm to draw him out and give him a mini heart attack. She’s so thoughtful that way. After teasing him with the prospect of handcuffs, she finds Dolls’ revenant prisoner and after some gun play, the pair learns that Lou lives in the woods and is friends with wolves, so off we go with another Jen musical reference.
After some mystical shenanigans in which our heroes head toward the light, Wynonna ends up in a creepy plantation house, clad in a white dress, and is bathed by beautiful women. She’s understandably afraid of her current situation, but mostly she’s angry they just set her phone on fire. Dolls is then brought in, tossed on the ground, hands bound, definitely not in a frilly white dress, and Men’s Rights Activists everywhere are shrieking at the preferential treatment of women in this cult.
Wynonna shares a moment with one of the cult members, Eve, and then knocks her over the head with a chamber pot because no one ever said Wynonna had social skills. She rescues Dolls with her sarcasm and they try to get the hell out of dodge but Lou is all:
He lets them escape but only after “marking” them and we know from the earlier sequence our heroes weren’t privy to that bad things happen to those who are marked by Lou. After having bags put over their heads (by Doc/Wynonna shippers, I assume), Wynonna is dropped off in the middle of town where as Dolls is left to fend for himself in the woods. Again. Wynonna calls Dolls’ cell phone and is all, “Now is not the time to be antisocial you beautiful set of biceps, you.” Dolls makes it back to the car in time to shoot up his meds and get a new puppy.
Meanwhile, Doc is off on his intrepid steed, ready to head out of town and run away from his problems when Team WayHaught shows up and interrupts his little jam session.
Nicole writes Doc a ticket and he’s all, “Okay please just let that be it because Waverly is about to come yell at me and that girl terrifies the bejesus out of me and my mustache.” Waverly does as is expected and tells Doc to grow the hell up and stop running away. Doc responds that it’s great that S. S. WayHaught has completed its maiden voyage, but no one’s buying a ticket to S. S. Docnonna, least of all Wynonna Earp, and my heart shatters into a thousands pieces. “Difference is, she adores you back.” UGH DOC. WHY. DON’T LEAVE.
Once Dolls and Wynonna find one another again (and Peacemaker), they head back to Lou’s Creepy Shack to free the hippies. A battle ensues, the bear from The Revenant attacks, and it’s Eve who fires Peacemaker and kills Lou to save the day. Wynonna and every other person watching thinks, “WHAT THE WHAT JUST HAPPENED.” But hey, poof goes the revenant.
Once all the girls from the cult have been rescued, Wynonna stares at the girl who saved her life with tears in her eyes, wondering aloud how it could be possible for her to kill a revenant with Peacemaker. Melanie Scrofano absolutely breaks my heart at the police station as she comes to realize that the girl who saved her life is her older sister, Willa. “She was dead. We gave up. We stopped looking for her.” Wynonna brings her home and Gus confirms Wynonna’s suspicions.
AND I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Random Thoughts:
Bobo totally set them up to take out his nemesis and instead of making things harder for him, they just got waaaayyyy easier.
Wynonna’s sarcasm when in dangerous situations is top notch, something we should all aspire to.
DOLLS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU.
Waverly, baby, the headband is a no no.
WYNONNA I WANTED TO WATCH THAT MAKEOUT SESH. GEEZ.