THE GRINDER Season 1, Episode 1 “Pilot” AIR DATE: September 29, 2015 GRADE: A-
Dean Sanderson, Jr. is an actor. Known to TV land as “Grinder”, a take-no-prisoners, rabid pit bull of a lawyer, his character is your typical television lawyer: over-dramatic, cocky and tends to yell things to an audibly-shocked courtroom. “SHE WASN’T! ON! THE ROOFTOP!” Grinder declares in defense of a weeping client as the show-runners add a big, thumping beat between each of his stops for style points. Tonight, however, is his show’s big Series Finale — and Dean, Jr. (Rob Lowe) is having a personal little viewing party with his family which includes two real lawyers: his brother, Stewart (Fred Savage) and his dad, Dean, Sr. (William Devane). After the show’s conclusion, Dean seems a bit insecure and wants his family’s thoughts. They all eat it up with a spoon, praising him in sycophantic fashion and fawning all over him when he metaphorically describes his life after television. They all agree — except for Stewart who eye-rolls so hard at his brother’s bullshit, he might be able to see inside his own skull.
Even with a successful career practicing law and a wonderful family in his beautiful wife (and his brother’s ex) Debbie (Mary Elizabeth Ellis) and his two kids, Lizzie (Hana Hayes) and Ethan (Connor Klopsis), Stewart feels some discontent. He denies that it’s jealousy — even though his wife has no problem dubbing it as such. Between his annoyance at Dean for mouthing the dialogue to his own show during the viewing and describing his life as a “highway” he needs to “take the off-ramp from”, Stewart’s fed up with Dean making everything about himself. Their meeting in the kitchen later that evening just solidifies his point about the unnecessary theatricality:
“I couldn’t sleep,” says Dean in a hushed voice while nursing a beer and staring at the wall.
“It’s only 8:30,” Stewart replies, incredulously.
It’s here that we learn that, for all his fame, Dean’s empty. He doesn’t have a family life. He and Debbie were once an item but they split and Debbie married Stewart. He has children and a great career. Dean wants it — but just can’t have that…because…reasons. The two hug it out and, since Stewart was a great sport watching the finale, Dean opts to go see his little brother in action in the courtroom.
This is where the series gets truly meta.
Stewart’s in the middle of your typical renter’s fraud suit. The problem is that he’s the exact opposite of Grinder: e has no presence in the courtroom (all his remarks and statements to the court are on index cards — which Dean promptly tosses because Stewart’s “an encyclopedia for this crap” and doesn’t need them) and speaks a million words a second because of his nerves. His lack of confidence bleeds into the case, itself: his clients have no real hard evidence to win their case but the defendant is offering a settlement.
Enter Dean.
Grinder never settles. Why should Stewart’s clients? Stewart’s partner buys Dean’s bullshit as do his clients and Dean, Sr. because “All we do is settle!” Soon, Dean’s back in action. While Stewart wants his brother out of the house, Dean’s not about to acquiesce. Besides helping out with Stewart’s kids and their problems, Dean’s busy wearing his brother’s suits and making media appearances to fire up the public in order to turn them against the man responsible for screwing “the good people of Boise” (the landlord still makes sure to get a Selfie because Dean loves his fans, for better or worse) and, soon, a simple small claims mess becomes the trial of the century. He’s even taking The Bar because that’s probably a good idea if you’re gonna be a lawyer, right?
The Grinder works on nearly every level, but most of its success comes from the notion that the cast knows the material and plays their parts with gusto. Rob Lowe is in a role he was tailor-made for and his charisma is infectious. More importantly, he doesn’t overplay it. That’s huge because the show has been blessed with a great supporting cast. Fred Savage is perfect in the role of Stewart, your prototypical family man who just wants what’s best and is willing to take his lumps even if it delays his goals. The best thing about his character is that he’s the other half of the show’s driving force: he’s a character who doesn’t seem to realize that he’s stuck in a TV series about the legal system and it’s brilliant.
Devane can play Dean, Sr. in his sleep and it’s nice to see him in a role where he’s not reprimanding or seducing somebody. Mary Ellis is Stewart’s wife who supports her husband through thick and thin — even if she’s a little overzealous with her “yes-woman” status. The show even gives the kids a cute little side plot: Ethan is happy when a jock from his school two grades ahead of him wants to hang at his house. Turns out he is only there to hang with his sister. Dean Jr. finds out about it and, unable to allow any injustice go unpunished, negotiates with the jock to put up photos of the two boys hanging out.
“You’ll use ‘#bestfriends’ and ‘#teenlife’,” Dean instructs the Jock.
“#teenlife?!” The kid can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“What part of ‘#teenlife’ don’t you understand?” Dean says.
It’s all done with such sincerity, which is part of the show’s charm and an important tool for its future success. So, it’s easy to forgive the liberties the show takes with the legal process and procedures. If you even need to forgive them, that is. The show’s not exactly aiming for accuracy and realism. It’s a play on courtroom drama sitcoms like Law & Order and its multiple off-shoots. Jason Kasdan is fresh off FOX’s New Girl and he and his merry band of producers would seem to have a huge hit on their hands. My only worry is that the show won’t be able to sustain what it’s built since the premise is, essentially, a gimmick that may cease to be amusing after the first couple of episodes.
Scream Queens Season 1, Episode 2: “Chainsaw” Grade: B-
The facts:
I’m a 28 year old straight male.
I hate horror.
I hate Ryan Murphy.
I was assigned this show to watch by my editor, Bilal.
Let’s get to episode two of Scream Queens:
1. Spooky music has got to go.
2. Why is Grace wearing a newsboy cap? Who does that?!
3. My theory is that key costume items are the only way to tell all those basics apart.
4. Syrup on ranch chips, still not the most disgusting thing on this show.
5. Do they actually make pink tasers?
6. How many of these fucking costumes are there on campus?
7. Abigail Breslin, touch up your roots, and what the hell are you wearing on your head? Pearl bunny ears?
8. I hate you, Bilal, for forcing me to type the previous sentence.
9. I literally gagged a little listening to Abigail Breslin talking about getting Eiffel Towered by golf dudes. She was in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ goddammit.
10. She’s still the least menacing person I’ve seen on TV.
11. Ok, so are the hats worn by Grace and her roommate somehow a tell that they’re “the good ones”?
12. “You know how many times it’s ketchup? 0% of the time.” God, I love you Niecy Nash.
13. Yay for science in this show!! Iron in the heme groups!
14. “I love me some Arby’s.” That woman is a winner. Skinny bitches don’t eat.
15. Ok, big mistake. Chanel #2 was on Facebook in the pilot, not on twitter. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT.
16. Oh god, I can’t believe I remembered that.
17. RIP Shondelle.
18. Why are the adults the only somewhat interesting and entertaining characters? Could they not afford better young actors?
19. After Ariana Grande died, I’m rooting for Grace to die next.
20. Sadly, I know that won’t happen.
21. “Hoes.” Hoes indeed.
22. Golf bro is wearing as ascot. Tragic, yet fitting.
23. Well, necrophilia is making a comeback in this episode.
24. Ah, ‘Scream Queens’, setting the standard for female self-esteem everywhere.
25. No lie, every time the writers mock psych majors, it makes me like this show a little.
26. Oh dear lord, that might be the worst obtuse “I love you” ever.
27. “Your boobs are symmetrical.” I’m taking notes on how to seduce women.
28. (869) is the area code of St. Kitts and Nevis.
29. Jamie Lee Curtis (JLC), my angel, save me from this drivel.
30. Mascot change? Let the Redskins know.
31. Coney, relatively not shock-tastic for Ryan Murphy.
32. Grace, no hat. Zayday, hat. I’m still convinced this has something to do with hats.
33. Charisma Carpenter, keepin’ it tight.
34. Chad, the new Cyrano.
35. Grace, hat. Asian lesbian, hat. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!
36. I’m going crazy.
37. Christ, Grace is a bad actress.
38. Kinda like that blazer though, dig the elbow patches.
39. If he doesn’t say ‘Casablanca’ fuck this guy.
40. ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, are you serious?
41. Okay, I hope he dies too now.
42. “Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws in our past?” Aaaaand that’s we don’t take humanities.
43. Discuss it over salad, don’t move too quickly now lovebirds.
44. Pervy mascot.
45. Coney in one scene demonstrates more agility in a costume than all of the other victims combined.
46. RIP Coney.
47. Neckbrace put on a hat. I’m telling you, something about the hats!
48. Wait, was Coney technically wearing a hat?
49. If her closet is “the most precious thing” in her life, and she compares it to a “second vagina”, does that mean her real vagina is worth more or less than this closet?
50. I physically cringed at the utterance of the phrase “closet vag”.
51. Ugh, I hate myself for saying this, but I appreciate Emma Roberts pronouncing “Lanvin” (Lahn-van) correctly.
52. Ohhhh, a ‘She’s All That’ situation!
53. Ugh, the “mommy” thing is still not okay.
54. JLC and Nasim Pedrad in the Kappa House? I’m onboard with that.
55. JLC and Pedrad love triangle? Down with it.
56. Do earmuffs count as a hat?
57. Ok, Asian lesbian can’t act, Chanel #whatever at least has a schtick.
58. Charles Manson? Kind of a reach.
59. Alibibiddites is better than Alibuddies. Just my two cents.
60. Isn’t Lea Michele getting a makeover kind of done already? Wasn’t that what Glee was about? Literally.
61. No. I will take a hard pass on “Cocaine or Dildo”.
62. Mini club as a gavel. I’m okay with that.
63. I want Chad in a guest role for CSI.
64. “Take that to build a psychological profile.” That’s freshman psych major for you.
65. Gumshoe. The last time I heard that term was in Carmen Sandiego. Who would not doubt have caught the killer in 5 seconds.
66. BACKSTREET’S BACK ALRIGHT!!!!!!!
67. White guys destroy property, what did their college win a football game?
68. Wait, no, they’re all dressed in white, it’s a Klan rally.
69. Two Red Devils, I’m okay with this.
70. It’s just a flesh wound.
71. The prosthetics work is pretty horrible in this show.
72. “But you’re gonna be right on time for JUSTICE.” Niecy Nash, you can do no wrong as Denise.
73. #Cahoots. I need to use that more in my life.
74. Grandma. Chainsaw. Oh Denise, what have you done.
75. That’s some dressing collection there.
76. How to quickdraw a chainsaw.
77. JLC is delightful. 19th century homesteader indeed.
78. That sounds like the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.
79. Whale distress calls, LOL.
80. I want that white noise machine in my life.
81. Slasher movie, oh Halloween reference for JLC.
82. That couch looks so comfortable.
83. YEAH GIGI!!!
84. I need all the adult characters to survive, it’s the only way I’m going to make it the full season.
85. You dumb dumb, Jamie Lee Curtis is not the killer. Too obvious. And you’re way too dumb.
Come again next week, and suffer through Scream Queens, like I do, every Tuesday. I think I’m slowly losing my mind watching this drivel.
THE MUPPETS Season 1, Episode 2
“Hostile Makeover”
AIR DATE: September 29, 2015
GRADE: A-
It’s a normal day at the production office for Up Late with Miss Piggy. A company birthday card for Sweetums is making the rounds, Bobo is selling cookies so that his daughter can have that prize mountain bike, and Piggy’s just a little upset. That last bit’s probably a problem because everyone and everything suffers when Piggy’s not a happy camper. “We’ve created a color-coded alert system to track Piggy’s moods,” Kermit tells the camera. “Green, she’s calm — but we’ve never been at green. Yellow, she’s in tears. Orange, I’m in tears.” The camera comes in on Kermit’s panicked face as he divulges the last level: “Red, she locks eyes with you, it’s already too late.”
Far too late: Piggy has an epic meltdown, trashing the office and destroying workers’ desks, criticizing them for having pens and highlighters and back-scratchers. She runs wild, demanding to know who replaced her thick-tip Sharpies with fine points. She can’t even be calmed down with cake — even when she eats it. Uncle Deadly speculates that it might be a result of how she looked in her new dress — until Scooter reveals that Piggy doesn’t have a date for The People’s Choice Awards.
On top of that, there’s nobody willing or available to be Piggy’s date. Keanu Reeves has “gained 100 pounds” because he’s shooting a biopic about a Hawaiian ukulele player and Scooter, who’s usually packed to the gills with ideas, is only able to recommend his optometrist as a potential candidate — though Scooter’s not quite sure if his optometrist is attractive enough. “My glasses aren’t very good,” he tells a perpetually exasperated Kermit.
What’s a frog to do?
Enter singer/entertainer Josh Groban who is the musical guest on Piggy’s next show.
Kermit’s hatched a plan for Groban and Piggy to fall in love during the taping of their duet together (in a bit that brings back those magical memories of The Muppet Show) — and, wouldn’t you know it: it’s a smashing success. After sharing an on-stage kiss (which should make everyone really, irrationally angry for some reason — and might I add: get over yourselves), Groban whisks Piggy away to the PCA’s and everything is right with the world. Piggy writes a beautifully poetic sentiment in Sweetums’ birthday card and compliments Beaker on his hair.
Kermit is absolutely thrilled that his plan worked and that, for the first time ever, they’re at a “Code Green”:
“Since they’ve been going out, I’ve been waking up to the sound of my alarm instead of my own screams!” Kermit even does his trademark, “YAY!”
Everything is right in the world…or so it seems.
Since Groban’s also a producer, he wants to make Piggy’s show “more sophisticated”, an idea Kermit entertains — until Piggy converts The Electric Mayhem into an acoustic jazz band (every member now wears a beret and Animal gently brushes the drums) because she thinks that her viewers need “a tranquil vibe — like a warm glass of milk”. “Tranquil”, they are. Statler and Waldorf are sound asleep.
“What was that one called?” Piggy asks the band after the re-join number.
“‘Dead Inside’ — we wrote it today.” Dr. Teeth groans, representing the rest of the band’s sentiments toward their “hip” musical re-birth.
Even her guests are more intelligent: historical biographer Reza Aslan joins the show — only to see Piggy belittle him for being creatively “lazy” because he “writes about things that happened” in his books instead of “using his imagination” like every other author. When Piggy tries to get on his level (she criticizes local libraries for “giving away his book for free”), Aslan is left completely speechless.
What’s a frog to do? This time, I mean?
Besides “flooring his studio golf cart” around the studio lot (it’s a 5 MPH zone but Kermit likes to go “6 or 7” when he’s frustrated), his only option is to get rid of that “horrible, evil, incredibly talented, velvet-throated piano god”, Josh Groban. This, despite the protests from the crew of Up Late due to the wonderfully positive feedback about Piggy’s recent behavior. But it won’t be easy: he practically controls the show, belittling Kermit for being a “swamp rat that nobody pays attention to” — yet, immediately makes it known to Kermit that he loves him. He’s just speaking for PIggy. He’s Josh Groban, after all.
“Hostile Makeover” sees The Muppets gaining some footing with an effort that is a huge improvement over last week due to a more loose and relaxed swagger. Gone is this alleged “assholish” version of the Muppets (and, strangely, Kermit’s girlfriend) that the Internet somehow had a complete terminal freak-out over and in its place stands a brand of Muppets that — surprise — have always existed. Even those criticizing this week’s B-story as weak and unnecessary might need a second viewing of this episode. Fozzie’s idolatry of Jay Leno seems like a forced plot element on the surface but, in reality, it works — not just because of the irony of the situation (Fozzie steals — then accidentally breaks — a crystal candy dish that Jay Leno had stolen from George Carlin years prior) or that we all identify with Fozzie’s failed desire to break into the comedy business via somebody who is a kindred spirit (this makes sense since they share the same goofy sense of humor) — It also has the benefit of indirectly setting up a great running joke involving Gonzo and his imperiled, ex-pat mother — which, quite literally, destroys a long-time fantasy involving Kermit and Lea Thompson in an elevator, tying the whole thing together with a Larry David-esque comical bow.
The tighter, smarter writing even serves to land the seemingly-maligned “mature” humor, something which should really be a non-issue since a) The Muppets have always catered to adults and b) their adult jokes are a reflection of the time in which they live, so when the times change, the Muppets adapt accordingly. That, in turn, results in one of the more touching parts of the episode: when the in-office cookie sales battle heats up and Bobo begins to eat all his own cookies in defeat after his sales plummet, Scooter suggests hitting up The Electric Mayhem since they’d probably be “happy to help out”.
“Yeah!” Bobo says. “Those guys are always happy!”
Scooter agrees, adding, “LEGALLY now!”
Cut to the band, munchies in full effect, noisily wolfing down all the cookies Bobo has to offer while Bobo counts a huge wad of cash.
“Forget the mountain bike,” he says. “My daughter’s gettin’ a Prius!”
Season 5 Episode 5: “The Dis-Engagement Party” Air Date: Monday, September 28, 2015
This Week on Awkward: While Matty and Jake rekindle their bromance, Tamara’s engagement crumbles to pieces.
There are twenty-four days left of senior year and Tamara still has not ended her fake engagement to her Marine fiance, Adam. Every time that she has planned to break up with Adam he exercised in front of her and she is now addicted to man sweat (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). Tamara lets Jenna know that there is an engagement party for the couple that night and that Jenna will be hosting and then swiftly departs. Jenna chases Tamara down only to find a handful of “Save the Dates” in Tamara’s bag:
Jenna: What is all this stuff? You had “Save the Dates” printed? Tamara: Get your hands off my STDs!
I often oscillate between whether or not I think Tamara’s acronyms and comments are over the top, but then she has a line like that and I remember she is just fucking gold.
Jenna arrives late to the party she is hosting severely under-dressed and bearing a half eaten pie of pizza.
Most visually unappetizing pizza ever?
In case you forgot, Brian was that army bro that Jenna met on Spring Break, dated for a hot second and then dumped because he was incredibly boring. Jenna is angry and surprised that the her ex-boyfriend who is the BEST FRIEND OF THE GROOM dared to come to the engagement party and starts a “woe is me” rant. She decides that her mission for the rest of the party is to bitch to herself about how hard her life is while showing as little enthusiasm as possible for the happy couple.
Matty comes to the party with Sadie and Sergio as his plus two. I was really hoping that Matty would bring his new bestie Kyle to the party, and Kyle would be wearing his “Jenna Lives” t-shirt, but I could never complain about having more Sadie on screen, so I will give Matty a pass. Two seconds later, Jake barges into the party with Gabby and while everyone cowers in awkwardness of this situation, Sadie’s face lights up with glee.
Jenna goes to the kitchen to contemplate how hard it is for her to keep Tamara’s secret and decides that her best bet of surviving this party is to avoid Adam altogether. Just then Adam pops up by her right next to her and the two start to chat. Every sentence that comes out of Jenna’s mouth passive aggressively insinuates that this engagement is a farce. Adam says “I don’t want to plan too far ahead” to which Jenna responds “That’s a good plan!” Jenna removes herself from this awkward conversation only to start an even more uncomfortable one with Gabby.
Gabby: The idea of spending a whole night with my ex who I cheated on with my current boyfriend who once dated both of the girls throwing this party? Yeah, I don’t drink often, but tonight I did a little pre-gaming.
Gabby continues on by telling Jenna she knows a secret about Matty, but before she can spit it out Adam interrupts the two and Gabby scurries off. You would think that hearing about how this party is basically a nightmare of the exes for Gabby would give Jenna some perspective, but it does not. Instead, Jenna heads upstairs to drink wine in her room alone and is interrupted by a drunk Gabby who is noshing Three Bean Salad. Instantly, Jenna forgets about her lying hardship and insists that Gabby reveal that Matty secret. Gabby tells her that Matty loves Jenna, but Jenna doesn’t know whether or not to believe her. Jenna’s mission for the night has officially changed to confirming whether or not Matty McKibben is still in love with her. Seriously, could Jenna be any more self-centered this episode? I am not complaining, Selfish Jenna is entertaining, but Jenna is giving Aria Montgomery a run for her money on being the most self-absorbed character on TV.
Jenna finds Matty sitting outside by himself and as soon as she sits down he says “I really messed things up, we were really good together.” Jenna, of course, thinks that Matty is referring to their relationship, but then Matty says that he thinks he really loves him. It is pretty obvious that he is talking about Jake but in a brotherly way, not a romantic way, which he feels the need to clarify. After Jenna says that Matty should go tell Jake how he feels, Matty says he will be pissed if she tells anyone that he said he loved Jake. I really wished they didn’t put that line in. Why is it okay for these two to be voted “Best Bromance” but it is not okay for anyone to know that Matty said he loved Jake? Why is it not okay for a guy to admit loving his male best friend as a best a friend? No one would bat an eye if Jenna said that about Tamara.
Matty goes to find Jake and the two make up, and this dialogue, below is actually verbatim:
Matty: Listen, I messed everything up. Jake: It’s okay. Don’t, I kinda. Matty: Dude let me finish. Jake: We both did some stuff… Matty: You know how I. I mean you and me. Jake: You don’t have to. Matty: I want to. Jake: Bro I know, it’s chill. Matty: We chill? Jake: Yeah totally. Matty: Good cause, I… Jake: I know. But, and I… Matty: Yeah, I know
They then pound it out. Fist pound it out I mean. Is there a way to write that sentence without it sounding sexual? I cannot tell if I find this conversation touching or infuriating. On one hand, it can be read is as these two friends that know each other so well they just know what the other is feeling. On the other hand, I get the feeling that they are scared to say what they feel for each other as friends out loud, because that would be unacceptable. It is okay for them to feel this way about each other, but it is not okay to talk about it and that is a shame. If your best friend isn’t someone you care about and trust and love, then why are they your best friend? And why is it not okay for these two guys to say it out loud?
Back to the party, it is time for Jenna to give her Maid of Honor speech, which she was just informed about. She starts talking about how, some people might call what Tamara and Adam are doing stupid but you know, love is love and maybe there is love at first sight. She then focuses her gaze on Matty and decides to kamikaze this already sinking toast by subtly (read: not subtly) making the rest of the speech about her and Matty. Brian runs up, grabs the mic from Jenna and yells out “Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.” Just kidding, Jenna was not holding a mic. But in all honesty, Brian saves Jenna from herself by taking over the speech and wishing Adam and Tamara a happy life together. A phrase that normal people use in engagement speeches and a phrase Jenna was apparently incapable of saying.
Brian confronts Jenna after the speech asking why she is being such a bitch while also making constipated faces at Tamara and Adam all night. The pressure of being such a good friend and keeping Tamara’s secret to herself becomes too much, and Jenna yells out to the whole party that the engagement is a sham, and that T does not love Adam. When Adam asks T if this is true, she is unable to deny it and he storms off, essentially breaking off the engagement. Everyone at the party is in shock and awe, and of course Sadie’s face lights up like a Christmas Tree.
After everyone leaves, Jenna tries to console Tamara. T realizes that she really did love Adam which leads to one of my favorite Tamara quotes:
Tamara: I love Adam. I might love wedding planning but I can love Adam, too. I have enough love in my heart for both.
The fact that she puts her love for her fiance and the act of wedding planning on the same level is just amazing. Her emotions are everywhere, she is pissed at Jenna and herself, but mostly Jenna, but mostly herself, and she is scared that she just let the love of her life walk out of her life.
In Sadie News:
Sadie and Sergio get in a fight about about what marriage. To Sergio, marriage signifies the ultimate love between two people. For Sadie, marriage signifies two people that hate each other so much one is willing to get arrested to get away from the other. The two realize that they are very different but still love each other, and then have sex on Jenna’s parents bed.
Sadie Quote of the Week:
Sadie: I am totally using that, along with IBS. Sergio: What is that? Sadie: Irritable Bowel… let’s not talk about it, I might want to have sex again later.
Have you seen the new X-Files revival trailers yet? Is it giving you warm fuzzy feelings to see Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and Cigarette Smoking Man back in action?
The X-Files returns January 24, 2016 with a two hour season premiere on FOX. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson reprise their iconic roles as Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Joining them are Mitch Pileggi (FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner), William B. Davis (Cigarette Smoking Man), and Annabeth Gish (Monica Reyes), along with new cast members including Joel McHale, Robbie Amell, Alan Dale, Lauren Ambrose, and Kumail Nanjiani.
Series creator Chris Carter will be penning and directing three of the six episodes with show veterans Darin Morgan, Glen Morgan, and James Wong writing/directing the remaining.
Is everyone excited yet? January needs to hurry up!
PLAYING HOUSE Season 2, Episode 8
“Celebrate Me Scones”
Air Date: September 8, 2015
GRADE: A-
Having already tackled the Emma/Mark/Rabbi Dan love triangle in “Officer of the Year” and putting us through the emotional wringer, Playing House rewards us with one of the best episodes of the series’ run thus far. It’s been a year since we were first introduced to the wacky duo of Emma and Maggie as they sang their way down Downtown Pinebrook, blasting Kenny Loggins’ “Celebrate Me Home” and singing along at the top of their lungs while Emma “used Maggie’s boob as a microphone” to really hit those high notes. And why the hell not? “Kenny Loggins is the soundtrack of our lives,” Emma says to Maggie after taking a jog down memory lane courtesy of Zach who found old footage of Emma and Maggie grooving to Loggins’ “Footloose” in their front yard.
When we last left Emma and Maggie, Emma was reeling from her break-up with Rabbi Dan and, simultaneously, getting shot down by Mark. What could be worse than Mark not returning her phone calls and breaking a nice guy’s heart? “I saw Rabbi Dan at the gym,” Zach tells Emma after she surmises that Rabbi Dan is probably crying himself to sleep each night. “He seems to be doing fine.” All Emma can do is sigh — until Maggie and Zach drop a bombshell on Emma to cheer her up: Kenny Loggins is coming into town — and they’ve got tickets to go. Maggie’s excitement might be a little greater than her best friend’s: she told Loggins about how special Emma is to her and Loggins was so touched, he’s going to dedicate a song to Emma. Of course, it’s not so simple: Zach doesn’t actually have tickets because Loggins “appeared shirtless on Kathy Lee & Hoda” and the tickets sold out in under an hour. “I know the man is in the autumn of his life,” Zach tells his sister. “but when that linen came off, it sure felt like summer.”
Even Zach’s attempt at obtaining tickets, via a scalper (Stephnie Weir), doesn’t work. “If you can’t trust a scalper named ‘Jeanine Willcall’, who can you trust?” Zach ponders after “Jeanine” makes off with a bunch of their cash and leaves them coupons for Chuck E. Cheese in exchange. So, it’s up to the trio to get themselves in because Maggie’s pissed — and she’s not listening to Kenny from the parking lot. Emma begs Maggie not to do anything rash…but it’s far too late: Ol’ Bosephus is back again — much to Emma’s dismay — and he’s got a plan to get everyone in as roadies doing some heavy-lifting.
While Zach bonds and flirts with the band’s guitarist (Pamela Adlon of Showtime’s Californication) over their mutual love of playing music and their band war stories, Emma and Maggie find themselves bringing one of Kenny Loggins’ favorite snacks (“Ants on a Loggins” — I kid you not) to his dressing room in one of the funniest moments the show has to offer. Aside from the entire room being adorned in sheepskin, nearly everything is either named for one of Kenny’s songs or is a play on his name. The door to his dressing room? “This Is It”. The food? “I’m All Rice”, “Caddy Snacks”, “Foot Juice” and, of course, “Celebrate Me Scones”. The bathroom? Why, “Pooh Corner”, of course.
But all their schoolgirl fan worship takes a backseat when they actually come face-to-face with Loggins, himself, whose initial reaction is to toss them out of his green room after Maggie reveals that she’s not actually a man. All’s well that ends well, however: Mark (who has been under deep cover trying to bust Jeanine Willcall’s “scalper ring”) frees the ladies from the arena holding cell — and they end up on Loggins’ tour bus post-concert. Zach, it seems, has an in with Loggins through Pam and he’s cleared up the whole misunderstanding.
In a wonderful exchange, Loggins reveals that he was incredibly touched by Maggie’s letter and that, since they missed the concert and couldn’t hear him sing, he owes them a song. The sing-along to Loggin’s acoustic version of “Celebrate Me Home” couldn’t be a better or more fitting climax to this episode or, if the series doesn’t see a third year, to the series, itself.
With “Celebrate Me Scones”, USA’s Playing House comes full circle. There are some flaws (notably, the fact that everything with Mark remains frustratingly unresolved and all we get is a tiny little hint near the end that they finally may work things out) but, when the main story and overall theme is this good, it’s hard to complain. The friendship between Maggie and Emma has always been the backbone of the show and the clever plotline which brings the seemingly-immortal Kenny Loggins into the picture is executed with such wit, humor and charm, that one cannot possibly dislike anything they’ll see here.
QUANTICO Season 1, Episode 1 “Run” AIR DATE: September 27, 2015 GRADE: B-
With all the public interest in shows about secret agents and law enforcement types, ABC attempts to show us what it’s like for the most recent trainees of the FBI Academy, “Quantico”.
The show opens with a disaster, a’la 9/11: New York’s been bombed and sirens are wailing. Of course, the show jumps back in time to show us how we got here, taking us to the home of Alex (Priyanka Chopra), a Middle Eastern woman, who is running late for the biggest job of her professional career. When a cab arrives, she tells the driver she’s going to the airport — and crumples up a train ticket. We see her on a plane she flirts with Ryan (Jake McLaughlin), a young guy sitting across the aisle from her. They share a drink and both lie about who they are and where they are going. When we next see them, they’re having sex in his car — and she ends up knowing everything about him anyhow. She’s just not “into him”.
We learn right away that Alex is sassy and doesn’t take guff from anyone. That, and everyone’s got secrets — but more on that in a few. The show features an ensemble cast, so we get our normal diverse stereotype fritatta: the dude-bro, Caleb (Graham Rogers), the gay recruit, Simon (Tate Ellignton), the handsome Mormon, Eric (Brian J. Smith), the perky blonde Shelby (Johanna Braddy), and token Muslim recruit, Nimah (Yasmine Al Massri) among others. The whole teaching division is run by Liam O’Conner (Josh Hopkins) who was assigned the class by Miranda Shaw (Aunjanue Ellis). We learn that Liam’s an alcoholic who used to have a romantic relationship with Miranda and that this class is his “last chance”, just in case you haven’t knocked out those tropes on your “Quantico” bingo card yet.
This is all sauce for the goose as we’re told, by Miranda, that the terrorists are often those you least suspect or they’re somebody you’ve already met. These profiles include “a stranger or a one-night stand you may have had” which is meant to foreshadow the attack we’ve already seen but also comes across as slightly ridiculous. The show doesn’t stop there with it’s “oh come on” moments. As is custom, the recruits are given credentials, phony guns (for the purpose of getting used to the weight of a firearm on their hip) and “gender-neutral outfits” consisting of matching polo shirts and khaki pants — but Alex is sassy sexy and gurl has bewbz, so she makes sure that nearly every button of her top is opened up, teasing the goods. She even reveals to everyone that her and Ryan got it on before they got to Quantico for no other reason other than to be sassy and annoying.
The pilot episode is mainly about the dark secrets that otherwise normal people hide from others. As such, their first assignment as recruits? Each of them has to pick a folder from the tables in front of them. The folder is the FBI file on each recruit and contains one redacted item. It’s the recruits’ jobs to figure out what that redacted item might be. This would be believable if you can forgive the fact that this is the FBI who should already know these secrets and wouldn’t leave it to students to humiliate other students. This unfortunate point is actually driven home when Caleb, who is near-failing in the Academy, taunts Eric with his “secret”. Eric is uneasy as Caleb continues to hound him and, eventually, shoots himself when Caleb threatens to come forward with it during their one-on-one. Packer, as it turns out, knocked up a 14-year-old Malawian girl and she got an illegal abortion.
And Mormons thought the “magical underwear” bit in the episode was “offensive”. Sheesh.
Simon, who is hyper-observant, has a thing for Nimah and, having spent some time in Palestine (despite a really Conservative upbringing), questions her about why she pins her hijab to the left and, sometimes, to the right. Nimah evades the line of questioning — but we later learn that she has a twin sister in Raina, thus the reason for the direction of their head-wear. How did twins get by the FBI? Who knows. There’s a lot this show asks you to forgive and forget. Interrogating others with one class on the subject? Not a problem. Shelby’s parents being a victim of the 9/11 attacks? All right. Interesting — except when she reveals that she “has a piece of one of the planes”, and you’re already face-palming since, y’know, that’s evidence in a major terrorist attack.
Alex’s secret, as it turns out, is that she shot her Dad when she was very young. Ryan doesn’t divulge this during their “session”. She confesses this later to O’Conner. Her father was an FBI agent and she came to Quantico to get the truth behind her father and his secret life. Ryan, meanwhile, is already an agent. He feels terrible about tricking Alex and lying to her but O’Conner doesn’t care. He just orders Ryan to keep doing what he’s doing and to “not sleep with her again”, which is weirdly ironic for an organization who encourages its own trainees to do anything they can to learn each others’ secrets.
After everyone learns each other’s dark secrets, Miranda spins it all the only way she knows how: she tells them they need to know the truth about themselves to get the truth about others which is absolute bullshit masquerading as “wisdom”, but the show’s not done: FBI agents raid Alex’s apartment where they find explosives and Ryan lying in blood and, for some reason, they allow her watch all this via live-steam on a laptop because fuck judicial protocol. They arrest her and toss her into a police van — but hold on a second! Miranda’s at the wheel and she’s gotten rid of the van’s co-pilot. She tells Alex that Alex is being framed and that she needs to find the truth about what’s going on. She gives Alex the keys to her cuffs, and a bag of clothes so nobody will recognize her. Oh, wait…
That’s seriously the last shot of the show. It’s done in slow-mo as if Chopra is modeling for a fashion magazine. She not only walks directlyinto the crowd of people who just saw her escape from an FBI van, she also walks right by FBI agents all streaming towards the scene. Agents who knows what she looks like. Agents who are well-trained. Agents who don’t recognize her because she’s wearing “certain stuff”.
Quantico is fun fluff, much like the thrill rides Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder from ABC’s Shonda Rhimes. This is a seriesthat you really want to like if it weren’t for the moments that make you want to yell at your screen and throw something across the room. The plotting comes at the viewer hard and fast and gives you no time to breathe or think. That last part’s important because, ultimately, what we’re watching is extremely dumb when you turn your brain on.
HAWAII FIVE-0 Season 6, Episode 1
“Mai ho`oni i ka wai lana mâlie”
(“Do Not Disturb the Water that is Tranquil”)
AIR DATE: September 25, 2015
GRADE: C+
The perils of covering your average hour-long network television cop drama are probably unlike the perils of covering something you’d view on paid cable or premium network channels. If your episode of Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead is lower in quality than usual, the dip in quality is fairly negligible because the writing, for better or worse, remains somewhat consistent and doesn’t stray from the familiar. The same just cannot be said for shows like CSI, NCIS or Hawaii Five-0. When an episode of any of the aforementioned are bad, they’re bad — and you know they’re bad.
Hawaii Five-0 has spent a great deal of time letting us learn the characters of McGarrett and Dann-o, Chin Ho Kelly and his cousin, Kono. Last year, we had a running subplot featuring Chin Ho, Kono (and her husband, Adam – Ian Anthony Dale) and the menacing Gabriel Waincroft (Christopher Sean) who, after the ill-advised death of Wo Fat, has really become the next “big bad” the series has. The good news is that his feud with Kono and Chin Ho makes for some great television.
As we witnessed in the season finale, Kono and Adam finally tied the knot after about three seasons of turbulence involving Adam’s involvement with the Yakuza which saw the couple running for their lives throughout Asia. Of course, Kono and Adam just can’t have nice things and they get an unexpected visit from a pissed-off Gabriel. At first, Gabriel’s visit appears to be for revenge — until Adam drops a bombshell: Gabriel wants Adam to wire every penny of the “break-up money” Adam held on to for the Yakuza. Adam has a choice: either he does what Adam says (and the Yakuza eventually kills him) or he doesn’t and Gabriel kills him.
“But enough of all that!” says the show! “Let’s tell a goofy story about a pirate treasure buried somewhere in the mountains of Oahu!” Yes, Hawaii Five-0 seems content with making this a co-op, giving us a hokey Pirates of the Caribbean Waikiki invasion story complete with the same pounding pirate musical score and a dude who looks similar to Captain Barbossa. About 150 years ago, pirates raided the area and stole a really nice painting. As it turns out, this painting was, in reality, a treasure map showing the exact location of one of the greatest treasures the country has ever seen.
How does Five-0 get involved? It turns out that somebody has murdered a young novelist who was hot on the trail of the hidden treasure. The late Keanu Carson (the novelist’s name — proof this show is near giving up trying) had been reviewing video cassettes with interview footage featuring “Byron Washburn”, a 104-year-old man who claims to have been part of the crew that raided the island all those years ago. The murder investigation is on — but so is, by proxy, the treasure hunt.
With Kono on her honeymoon, Chin Ho has elected Jerry to fill in and help out. This, of course, is right up Jerry’s alley and this episode doesn’t skimp on giving us cutesy moments between he and the rest of the cast. Not only does Jerry figure out that the famous treasure map painting, quite literally, has an “X” on it that “marks the spot” of the treasure, but he also educates McGarrett and his team about the type of tapes found at the Carson crime scene:
JERRY: That is a box for a Betamax tape, not VHS. VHS was actually eight percent larger than Betas. Incidentally, they were inferior in every way. Beta had better picture, better sound but, for some reason, the format never caught on with the general public.
DANNY: Is that a conspiracy, too?
JERRY: Nah…just a basic format war. Not everything’s a conspiracy.
DANNY: I like you. (To Chin Ho) Why is he here?
Back at the Noshimuri household, Adam agrees to transfer all funds to Gabriel. Gabriel, however, doesn’t count on Kono getting free and rushing to a local bank to liberate her husband. As a result, Adam is critically wounded after Gabriel shoots him for the betrayal. It gets worse: Gabriel actually got away with all of the Yakuza money, setting up this season’s big story.
This is all well and good, but the season finale gave us a suspense-filled hour with the fate of the Hawaiian Islands at stake so even the Gabriel/Adam/Chin Ho story running in the background didn’t feel like a rip-off. While traces of fun can be found in the season premiere (we even get an Indiana Jones moment with a centipede crawling out of the eye socket of a human skull because it ain’t a treasure hunt without an awesomely gross moment in a tomb or a cave), this is the type of episode that’s usually reserved for the pre-Christmas slate of shows. It doesn’t “feel” like a season finale, so It’s awfully strange that we’re getting a run-of-the-mill episode with little or no personal velocity.
It’s even more annoying that the ending of “the hunt” has no pay-off: the “treasure” turns out to be an absolute bust with a chest full of tarnished kitchen and dining wares and that the raid (and resulting treasure) are downgraded to mythical status. Byron Washburn’s “pirate story” was possibly a hoax — and we’ll never know because he’s dead, which actually prompts Jerry to say, “Dead men tell no tales”.
Season 2, Episode 1: “Is There Anybody Out There?” Air date: September 27, 2015
In the first season of The Last Man on Earth, our hero Phil Miller very quickly discovered that he was not, in fact, the last man on earth. As more and more survivors make their way to Tucson, Phil’s abrupt reintroduction into society and personal relationships proved a little too much to handle. This week’s season premiere finds Phil and Carol in search of a new home and a new life after leaving behind a mess of burned bridges in Tucson.
Phil’s banishment from Tucson was a necessary narrative reset for the series–Will Forte’s particular brand of aggressively uncomfortable comedy made it difficult for anyone to have much sympathy for his character. However, his woefully misguided and selfish actions couldn’t disguise the fact that he was a good, kind person at heart. Carol decided to stick by Phil even after he was left in the desert to die because ultimately, Phil wasn’t the sort of person who could leave someone else to die in the desert (though not for the lack of trying).
“Is There Anybody Out There?” finds the two wandering the country trying to find a suitable location to start their new life. Despite visiting a number of locations (including Graceland and The White House), Carol insists that no place feels quite like home. Having not encountered another living person since Tucson, she secretly misses those they left behind. The episode provides some backstory for Carol and a glimpse into the world before the virus when they pay a visit to Carol’s old apartment in Delaware. The Last Man on Earth never dwelled too much on the apocalyptic viral outbreak that wiped out most of humanity, but we see some of the show’s darkest humor yet as Carol shows Phil around. Her old roommate Glen’s room is filled with medical supplies and quarantine equipment (“He was trying not to get the virus… he got it…”), while Carol’s room is filled with handcrafted tributes to all her dead friends and family (Phil’s very polite response: “This looks absolutely chock full of sanity!”).
At the end of the day, Phil once again becomes his own worst enemy, but the premiere also teases the return of his astronaut brother (played by Jason Sudeikis) and introduces a surprising mystery surrounding their old home of Tucson. The cliffhanger makes great use of the show’s surprisingly high stakes; the premise of the show is so often an excuse for Phil’s nihilistic hijinks and played for laughs that it’s easy to forget how alone they really are. The Last Man on Earth distilled the modern sitcom down to its barest elements–a protagonist struggling to get over his own selfish desires and navigate the complicated world of society and relationships. With a second chance and a fresh start that strips most of that away again, it remains to be seen whether Phil has learned anything at all.
“… We should go back and get that bomb.”
Phil and Carol enjoy a margharita pool in the Oval Office.
“My position on Tuscon remains the same: Tuscon can suck it, and you can suck it for asking.”
“Are you filibustering?”
“Phil, I’m setting my gems! Just give me 27 more bananas!”
Season 3, Episode 1: “New Captain” Air date: September 27, 2015
Brooklyn Nine-Nine finally returns after last season’s surprise cliffhanger: Captain Holt is promoted out of the precinct to the Department of Public Relations, and the Nine-Nine is now under the command of Captain Dozerman (guest star Bill Hader). Jake and Amy, meanwhile, struggle to make sense of the kiss they shared at the end of last season. While these new developments shake up the formula and offer some amusing new directions for the show, viewers probably don’t have to worry about the status quo getting disrupted too much. “New Captain” offers the same Brooklyn Nine-Nine we know and love: a consistently strong comedy packed with great characters and hilarious writing.
As far as workplace sitcoms go, there’s nothing groundbreaking about a new boss or the inevitable realization of the “will they, won’t they” romance. We all know what we’re getting into here, and there won’t be too many shocking twists along the way. “New Captain” therefore only succeeds on the strength of its characters–the writing toes the line of self awareness without indulging in meta humor or self parody. Captain Dozerman is a caricature of the overbearing, “numbers-focused” new boss, to such an extent that he has a heart attack while yelling at his the precinct. Captain Holt, meanwhile, is subjected to increasingly absurd professional humiliation at the hands of his rival Madeline Wuntch when he’s put in charge of the Public Relations department and has to oversee its months-long campaign to name the NYPD’s new pigeon mascot. The anguish of his defeat to Wuntch remains tangible even as he prepares to deliver his eight-point plan to increase community engagement to schoolchildren in a giant pigeon costume.
Jake and Amy, meanwhile, breeze through the standard sitcom romance template over the course of the premiere. There’s the awkward acknowledgement of their true feelings, a reasoned discussion about taking things slowly, the uninhibited desire, the attempt to hide it from friends and coworkers, the reveal, the break up, and the passionate reunion. You have to give credit to Brooklyn Nine-Nine and its writers here–even with lengthy 22-episode seasons, they don’t seem to have any qualms about quickly burning through the show’s central romance. The storyline doesn’t feel rushed, however–it’s actually refreshing to see the show getting the tropes out of the way quickly. Amy and Jake are an easy couple to root for, and it seems like everyone’s eager to move onto more exciting storylines for the two.
The rest of the cast is great as always, even if they don’t get much individual screen time this episode. Charles and Rosa have some fun at Jake and Amy’s expense, and Gina is great as she supports Captain Holt in his transition to the PR department. As ever, Brooklyn Nine-Nine fills each episode with plenty of hilarious writing; even the most crowded episodes often find time for a great line or two from everyone. Things aren’t quite back to normal by the end of “New Captain”, but there’s plenty of promise for the season ahead: Holt is determined to claw this way back to the top, and Dozerman’s untimely death heralds the return of The Vulture (Dean Winters) as the Nine-Nine’s newest captain.
“How do we keep it light and breezy? I know! A comprehensive set of rules.”
“Sticks and stones, Raymond.” “Describing your breakfast?”
*Gasp* “Title of OUR sex tape!”
“Hi, Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 emoji.”
“Tell my wife… that I love her… work ethic.”
“Captain. I know this isn’t my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.” “Actually, that’s exactly your place to say; you’re my assistant. What precisely did you think your job was?” “Ideally? Bullfighter. But it’s such a boy’s club.”
“You’re supposed to grow old, and die holding each other, as your cruise ship takes on water!”
PLAYING HOUSE Season 2, Episode 7
“Officer of the Year”
Air Date: September 8, 2015
GRADE: B+
If USA’s Playing House is aiming for a third season, the last two episodes of the season did a bang-up job making a good case for renewal which is a relief as the show seemed to be floating down a gutter toward a local sewer drain like an empty snack-sized bag of Ruffles. Re-reading my reviews for prior episodes “Knotty Pine” and “Kimmewah Kup”, I can’t help but be afflicted with self-doubt. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I enjoy Playing House. I really don’t want to see it gone, but there are times when this show becomes cloying and manipulative to the point of being insulting. Some critics resolve their repeated show issues by grading certain shows on a curve. Bloody Disgusting does this for MTV’s Scream. I can’t abide by that. It would be insulting to the readers. Some television is gold and some of it is garbage.
The penultimate episode of Playing House attempts to semi-resolve things between Mark and Emma which is frustrating considering the show’s second-season run only had eight episodes to sufficiently tackle the subject — and at least one of them was wasted on a throwaway episode about a girl’s trip to the lake. Here, we get the second annual Governor’s Ball where Mark is slated to receive an award for “Office of the Year”, something Mark snorts at: “Last year, a drug-sniffing pig won the award,” he tells Emma, who asks for an autograph. Of course, Rabbi Dan is helping out with the party set-up and Mark, being Mark, tries to out-man Dan in an amusing scene where he gets electrocuted by messing around with a stubborn power outlet that won’t feed any juice to the white Christmas lights that have been hung up around the ballroom.
Keegan-Michael Key is a blast to watch in this episode — especially in two key scenes. The first of which is when he’s trying on several different suits with Maggie while talking shop about Emma. The musical references here come in droves, though Maggie’s line about Mark “showing up at the ball looking like John Secada” is an absolute stone-cold winner despite the level of obscurity. Any 90’s child can hang with that — and it gets even better. After Maggie quizzes Mark about his line of questioning concerning Emma’s love life and tells him to cool his jets, Mark’s tells her, “My jets are cold…my jets are so cold, they don’t even have beef with The Sharks anymore.”
The other scene is, of course, the big confrontation where Mark and Emma lay it all out on the table. After Maggie learns about Emma’s feelings toward Mark in the women’s restroom, Maggie encourages Mark to “turn his jets on” and tell Emma how he feels. The problem is, of course, that Emma’s got somebody in her life, so the timing sucks on toast. The scene, however, doesn’t really resort to the predictable “forbidden kiss” trope and, instead, presents us with a very honest scene where Mark explains that he’s “not that type of person” who would intrude in a relationship and that Emma’s “not the type of girl” to stay from her guy. He does, however, tease Emma with how he’d kiss her — before he pulls away from her, telling her “But were’ not those people.” It’s a beautifully-acted portrayal of heartbreak that hurts so good because it’s familiar. And it’s hammered home in a quick follow-up where Emma keeps the medal that Mark won and gave to her, a bittersweet token of his affection.
A nice little unexpected notice is the b-story between Maggie and her ex-husband, Bruce, who we haven’t seen much of this year due to the fact that he hasn’t really been necessary beyond occasionally seeing his and Maggie’s daughter, Charlotte. Bruce is hired as part of the wait staff by Emma and, after there’s no longer a need for the wait staff to perform their duties, he takes to the dance floor where he gets his groove on. At first, the episode tries to throw us off the beaten path by teasing Bruce getting together with one of the many women fawning over Mark — but, after all the teasing, he ends up sleeping with Maggie again. Once again, the show doesn’t RomCom us with two people waking up and screaming and yelling as they realize what a horrible mistake they’ve made. Instead, we get a beautiful scene with Bruce and Maggie agreeing that their fling was just “for fun” and a nice “one-off”. Bruce has even made her breakfast. It’s nice to see Bruce evolve to this level instead of making a cheap attempt at a romantic return when he very well could have.
Even though “Officer of the Year” doesn’t give us the resolution to the Mark/Emma saga that we deserve, the episode does finally gives us some real, raw emotion that’s been in woefully short supply since the series resumed in August. All we have left of this season (and, possibly, this show) is the final episode which aired directly following this one. I sincerely hope that the season goes out with the bang it sorely needs so that Playing House can live on.
Date: September 24, 2015
Location: American Bank Center, Corpus Christi, Texas
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Rich Brennan, Booker T.
We’re getting closer to Kane vs. Rollins, likely inside the Cell, as they blow off their feud from months ago on a show where the other Cell match is the real main event. Then again, given that the World Champion is coming off two losses in two days (though he did beat a 56 year old), maybe it’s better that he isn’t main eventing. Let’s get to it.
We open with a recap of the ending to Night of Champions and Kane’s personality shift on Raw. I’m kind of shocked but the Kane stuff is entertaining me.
Here’s a very enthusiastic Kane in the Smackdown ring. He’s back because the WWE is on fire right now and needs someone with his administrative assistance. First up, he makes Rusev/Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler/Ryback as well as Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper with associated family members barred from ringside.
This brings out Rollins who wants Kane to cut out the nonsense. Kane talks about his training in conflict resolution and hopes to have a healthy dialogue to solve these issues. Seth doesn’t buy it and asks about Kane attacking him twice. Just like on Monday, Kane has no idea what Seth is talking about.
Then he switches to serious and talks about being a corporate worker, not a demon who wants to inflict incredible pain and punishment upon him until he begs for mercy. Seth thinks Kane needs help and Kane is willing to take it under advisement. One last thing: Rollins is facing Dean Ambrose in the main event. Ok Rollins is guaranteed to win there right? Ambrose barely ever beats…Dean is going to pin Rollins again isn’t he?
Booker thinks Kane has multiple personalities but the old trickster Lawler thinks it’s a ruse.
Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper
The Wyatts and Ambrose are banned from ringside. These two have fought each other about once every two weeks since late July. Both guys try powerbombs in the first ten seconds and head out to the floor. Harper gets sent into the barricade and then the announcers’ table.
Back in and Harper elbows out of a Samoan drop, only to have Reigns power him up on the second attempt. So much for Reigns selling for more than five seconds. There are the ten clotheslines in the corner and they head outside again. Harper nails a superkick followed by the sitout powerbomb, only to have Roman come back with the Superman Punch and spear for the pin at 3:59.
Rating: D+. So we’re now at the point where Reigns can beat Harper in under four minutes. Therefore, why would I want to see them fight again? To be fair I could have asked that question before as these two have fought what seems like a hundred times this year alone, but they had a good match or two so why not try it twenty times?
New Day vs. Neville/Lucha Dragons
Before the match, New Day says the Dudleyz are gone after Madison Square Garden and the tables will be saved. Neville kicks Kofi to start and throws Kalisto onto him for a seated senton. All three members of New Day come in and get stared down to the floor as we take a break less than forty seconds into the match. Back with Kalisto in trouble and getting stomped down in the corner as Woods drops to the floor for some tromboning.
Kalisto backdrops Kofi to the floor and makes the tag off to Cara for a springboard moonsault and elbow to Xavier’s jaw. New Day is all sent to the floor, allowing Neville and Kalisto to moonsault from the top as Cara adds a suicide dive. That looked awesome. Back in and Kofi grabs Kalisto’s leg, allowing Woods to add a running knee to the head for the pin at 7:33.
Rating: C-. The match was fun while it lasted but they really needed a break in a seven and a half minute match? I like the idea of some trios teams running around as it’s not like they have anything to do on their own or in a tag team. If the Dragons aren’t going to get a run in the tag team scene, let them hang out with Neville and do cool dives.
Cesaro vs. Bo Dallas
During Cesaro’s entrance, we see clips of Big Show squashing him on Monday to make sure you know you’re about to watch a loser. Dallas talks about surviving Suplex City and suggests Cesaro Bo-lieve to get over his trip to Big Show Boulevard. Cesaro does four straight nipups to escape a wristlock before wrapping his legs around Bo’s waist and rolling him around the ring. Back up and Cesaro charges into an elbow in the corner and gets forearmed in the back.
Dallas pulls him to the apron and drops Cesaro back first across the apron. A chinlock doesn’t have much effect so Dallas starts working on the back again. Booker thinks the back injury here could be career ending. If jobbing to Big Show twice in a week didn’t kill it already, I don’t think a few forearms to the back are going to do it. Back up and Cesaro grabs his arm trap small package for the pin at 4:26.
Rating: D+. Another short match here but it’s nice to see Cesaro win again, even if it’s to someone like Dallas. Thinking of Cesaro jobbing to Big Show twice in a row to build up what’s likely going to be a five minute match with Lesnar doing the exact same thing he’s done to Big Show every time they’ve fought makes my head hurt but that’s life in WWE for you.
We recap Charlotte winning the title on Sunday.
Here are Charlotte and Becky Lynch with something to say. Lawler doesn’t seem to know why Paige isn’t with them. Charlotte talks about how perfect the last week has been for her but Paige comes out to interrupt. Paige has never been a team player and doesn’t know what came over her. She’s glad Charlotte won the title but was hoping that she was in this spot. Paige thinks she deserves some recognition for starting the Divas Revolution.
Charlotte agrees and here’s Natalya to interrupt. She thinks the division is as good as it’s ever been before but Paige thinks Natalya is a crazy cat lady. Paige knows she’s better than Natalya and thinks Natalya let the Revolution pass her by. Now she’s trying to latch on to these younger Divas to keep herself relevant. Paige slaps her in the face and walks away. This has some potential, but none of it matters if they’re going to just go back to the Bellas in three months.
Kevin Owens/Rusev vs. Ryback/Dolph Ziggler
Ever the good coward, Owens tags out before having to face Ryback. Rusev demands Ziggler come in and stomps him into the corner. A dropkick gives Dolph a breather but he walks into a swinging Rock Bottom for two. Rusev: “I beat you Dolph! Now he’s going to beat you!” Owens comes in for a few stomps before it’s back to Rusev, who is quickly caught in the running DDT as we take a break.
Back with Owens slapping Dolph in a chinlock. Ziggler’s running DDT doesn’t work on Owens as Kevin throws him down and drops a backsplash. More heavy stomping gets two for Rusev before it’s off to Rusev for more of the same. Ziggler slams both heels and makes the big diving tag to Ryback. Rusev’s superkick is countered into a spinebuster but Owens offers a distraction, allowing Rusev to hit the superkick. Owens grabs the title and walks out, allowing Dolph to superkick Rusev into the Shell Shock for the pin at 12:45.
Rating: C-. Remember when beating Rusev was a big deal? Or when there wasn’t a large stable to be made out of people who use superkicks? The one positive thing I remember here is the days when the midcard was strong and how we’re getting closer to having one here. There’s been a lot of attention given to the midcard feuds lately and the extra effort is paying off. It’s not great or anything, but it’s WAY better than it was a few years ago.
Video on Big Show to hype up Madison Square Garden.
The Dudleyz are talking strategy when Renee Young comes in to ask them about New Day. Bubba thinks New Day doesn’t act like champions and the titles are all that matter. Notice that Bubba makes sure to get in the date of the show instead of just saying it’s in so and so many days or a week from Saturday.
It’s a definitive date instead of some point that might change depending on when you’re watching the show. That’s the old school way of doing things and I wish it was the more common way now. The Prime Time Players come in to say they want a shot after the Dudleyz win the belts. Bubba and D-Von aren’t pleased but they shake the Players’ hands.
Rollins promises to take care of Ambrose and Kane.
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
Non-title. Dean starts in on a wristlock before grabbing the champ’s head. Seth comes back with choking in the corner as they’re in first gear so far. A dropkick puts Seth on the floor and we take another early break. Back with Seth putting on a chinlock until Dean powers up and sends Rollins outside. The suicide dive is blocked though and Seth’s top rope knee to the head gets two.
Ambrose comes back again with some chops but the tornado DDT is countered, followed by the low superkick for two. Booker: “Ask me what I think about Dean Ambrose.” Rich: “What do you think about Dean Ambrose?” Booker: “He’s a fighter.” Thanks Book. Dean hits his rebound lariat (called the Lunatic Lariat) and a bunch of strikes followed by a butterfly superplex of all things for two. Dean comes up holding his leg but he’s still able to start a nice pinfall reversal sequence for a bunch of near falls.
A backdrop puts the champ on the floor and now Ambrose’s suicide dive connects. Dean gets two off a fisherman’s suplex (he’s mixing it up tonight) but Seth comes back with an enziguri to put both guys down. Seth is up first with the Sling Blade but the Pedigree is broken up. Instead a buckle bomb puts Dean down but Kane’s pyro goes off, allowing Dean to grab a rollup for the pin at 17:33.
Rating: B-. The WWE World Heavyweight Champion has lost three times in five days. TV ratings are sinking like a stone and WWE’s solution is to treat the World Champion the same way they used to treat the midcard titles. This is supposed to be the guy that is going to be getting the big face turn and push? The guy who keeps losing over and over again? But hey, did you see HHH and Stephanie dancing a few weeks ago and then getting to be all tough with Kane on Monday? Man they’re awesome. Finally, anyone want to bet that this win for Ambrose goes nowhere? Just let it be a countout or DQ and it’s the same thing.
Rollins grabs the mic and asks if Kane knows who he is. He hurt Sting at Night of Champions and Seth can do the same thing to Kane.
Overall Rating: C. This is a show where the wresting was fine but the booking really holds it back. On the surface, it looks like there’s some good stuff here. The midcard is looking stronger, New Day continues to be hilarious, Ambrose looks like he’s going to get a push, Reigns looks like he’s going somewhere over the Wyatts for a change and Cesaro looks primed for a push. That’s what you would think if you just watched this show. Here’s what’s likely going to happen.
The midcard will likely do the exact same stuff it has done in the past because the writers can’t maintain any stories. New Day will continue to be hilarious. Ambrose’s win will mean nothing. Reigns will keep feuding with the Wyatts for another three months. Cesaro will be built up and fed to someone who doesn’t need the push for a match that is never in doubt for a second.
In other words, WWE is fun if you watch once in awhile and don’t follow it long term. Once you start getting your hopes up for something, they’re going to come crashing down around you when you realize that WWE would rather spin its wheels and make sure that people don’t get too popular for reasons I still can’t comprehend. Everyone not named Cena winds up on equal footing and the numbers keep going down because there’s no one worth cheering for. This was a totally watchable stand alone episode but it’s nothing more than that.
Results
Roman Reigns b. Luke Harper – Spear
New Day b. Neville/Lucha Dragons – Running knee to Kalisto
Cesaro b. Bo Dallas – Arm trap small package
Dolph Ziggler/Ryback b. Rusev/Kevin Owens – Shell Shock to Rusev
Dean Ambrose b. Seth Rollins – Rollup
Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:
SCANDAL Season 5, Episode 1 – “Heavy Is The Head” Air Date: September 25, 2015 GRADE: C+
Over the course of Scandal, Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) has fought against a terrorist mother, a titan of a father, hacking kidnappers and even her own Gladiators. But the one battle she’s yet to claim victory with is the tug of war between her common sense and her heart that still madly beats for President Fitz (Tony Goldwyn). Unfortunately, this may prove to be unbearable after five seasons of back-and-forth between wanting to publicize it and the understanding of what may happen if their relationship does go public.
For much of the previous seasons, Olivia has been thwarted by forces out of her power from doing the traditional job of a “fixer” but it seems as if creator Shonda Rhimes wants to wring back the stylistic nature of Season 1 with a heavier focus on Olivia’s profession instead of her personal life. To do this, she pulls from the tragic death of Princess Diana to do an uncanny rip, taking everything from the secret affair to the girl-next-door personality. Honestly, it’s lazy and only serves to continue the calm before the storm of this season.
Most of the meatier parts of this episode involve Mellie (Bellamy Young), accepting her new position as Senator of Virginia, the first woman to do so. Despite the immense celebration that she feels internally, Mellie once again becomes the scapegoat for all of the problems caused by those around her. Fitz announces his intention to divorce her, a move that proves that Fitz is just a rebellious 13-year old inside caught up in his raging hormones. Chief of Staff Liz North (Portia De Rossi) is confronting Mellie on her position as Senator being a seat filler for who the real queen is – herself and Sally Langston (Kate Burton) is continuing to prove why ultra-religious conservatives may just be the terrorists of America by standing in Mellie’s climb every step of the way.
Battle lines are drawn and as Olivia and Fitz find themselves becoming more of a real couple, Olivia is faced with the dilemma of how rocky and fragile her relationship is with the President. For once, she says something beneficial, smart and so real.
“I want you, I want us,” she tells him. “But I want to slow down. I want our business handled. I want our problems fixed. I want to be ready before the world is watching.”
But just as predictable as this Princess Diana story was (yeah, her mother killed her because the Princess wasn’t good enough for the husband, go figure) the show ends with them being exposed (FINALLY) as at least having a casual flirtation, leaving the strings hanging for just how wild this show may end up steering us. One of the strengths of Scandal is its ability to always excite its audience, despite the overwrought script and the disdain towards many of its characters. It doesn’t look like that excitement is fading anytime soon.
MODERN FAMILY Season 7, Episode 1
“Summer Lovin'”
AIR DATE: September 23, 2015
GRADE: B+
Watching tonight’s season premiere of Modern Family so soon after watching the series premiere of The Muppets reminded me of catching a Major League Baseball game at AT&T Park — and then venturing over to the city’s Single-A ball stadium to catch a minor-league affair.
That’s not an insult. If it sounds like one, I do apologize.
When we last left the Dunphy Family, Haley was entertaining thoughts of sabotaging Andy’s marriage proposal to his new girlfriend. Alas, Haley ends up staying out of it and Andy’s engagement goes ahead with no interference. From here, the episode buzzes through the entire summer, month by month (separated by the commercial breaks and title cards), which gives us a look at the fallout from that moment and the other stories from last year.
With Haley’s heartbreak as background noise, Mitchell and Cam are in dire straits due to Mitchell’s lack of employment and no job prospects on the horizon. With Mitchell losing his mind and Lily worrying that her family is broke (she’s eating ketchup sandwiches and telling Claire not to lose the foil covering their potluck offering in one several very funny running jokes), Cam recommends that Mitchell take up painting — which he does — but he isn’t very good at it and is eventually outdone by Alex who chalks it up to “being good at everything”.
The second running storyline involves Gloria and Jay attempting to find the right pre-school for Joe, which goes predictably awry. The first school caters to the stars but due to privacy restrictions, the school’s headmaster can’t reveal the famous parents of any of the children — yet, drops obvious hints (“you’ve got a Sixth Sense about that hunch”). The school, however, turns out to have an extensive waiting list — and unsafe furnishings. “It’s ironic that the person donating this stuff couldn’t use a hammer and now we can’t touch this,” she says. The other school turns out to be a borderline hippie commune where the kids have the opportunity to interact with possibly-rabid wildlife like rats and mice. That, and Joe accidentally murders a chicken (off-screen, so as not to piss off PETA which is impossible to do no matter how a show portrays a scene like that), so that deal’s off. Even still, this storyline manages to wring a laugh or two when, following the demise of said bird, Gloria and Jay look on, stunned. In pure deadpan monotone, Gloria grabs her purse and says, “We would be happy to pay for that chicken.”
The episode comes together with the Dunphy Family who, for all intents and purposes, are the center of the episode. Whereas Haley struggles with her feelings for Andy, Alex and Sanjay know what they feel — and willingly decide to break it off before going to college so that they remain completely unencumbered or tied up. This proves to be a mistake for both parties who just cannot, for the life of them, accept that love cannot be categorized or statistically quantified. “I had to be strong for the both of us, which he said he admires,” Alex tells Mitchell. “I think [that’s what he said]…it was hard to hear him with all the John Legend and sobbing.” This, of course, leads to the aforementioned painting snafu which results in Mitchell destroying Alex’s painting in a fit of rage. The angst mirrors Mitchell’s appearance: he now fully resembles Vincent Van Gogh, wearing a shirt with pastel stripes and a straw hat. As for Alex and Sanjay, they still attempt to use math to classify their love life. They’ll succeed because they’re smart.
“I learned how to paint in an afternoon!” Alex tells Sanjay.
“Last night, I developed an app that feeds my fish from college!” He replies.
They embrace, united by the reassurance that they’re the “top one percent” at everything. That’s love.
Meanwhile, Phil and Claire’s pact to “no longer meddle” in their kids’ lives backfires again and again…and again. At first, Claire tries to help Haley with her boy problems by keeping her distracted. They hang out daily and even knit (using articles of trendy, hipster clothing Claire no longer wants Phil to wear ever again — like his Kangol hat) — until Haley gets involved with Dylan again. Dylan, to his credit, is trying to start his own clothing business, making t-shirts with uplifting phrases on them. “The neck is the ‘V’,” Dylan tells them after they ask why he’s wearing a shirt that seemingly spells, “LIE”. This impresses the trend-hungry Phil to no end and he encourages the rebound relationship, despite the fact that Dylan’s still dumb as a bag of hammers. “If I could make a bong out of a carrot, I can make you a plate of food,” he tells Haley in his own pseudo-chivalrous way. Of course, thanks to Phil and Claire’s meddling (unintended this time), Andy learns about Haley’s affections and begins to eat more until he gains about 20 pounds as the months fly by.
“Summer Lovin'” works because of its ability to succinctly sum up several of the loose ends it had established from last season. One of the issues I had with the episode, however, is that not all of the plot threads are interesting. The pre-school hunt, amusing as the schools turn out to be, is really a throw-away plotline which ends in moralistic greeting card fashion. Even still, it’s better than the main plot. Haley and Andy really have no chemistry and while the punchline (his weight gain) is a funny sight gag, it really smacks of the writers trying to hard to be funny, working once before it becomes patronizing. Despite this, It’s a fun episode, a nice way to kick off a show that’s become a reliable television comedy standard. It’s an example of what I hope The Muppets eventually becomes: tightly written, world-weary, and too smart for its own good. It’s a veteran in the entertainment dugout. It knows how to get laughs and does so with ease. It’s not the best episode of the show’s growing history but it says something when a sitcom boasts this much quality after six full years.
With the premiere of the Heroes Reborn mini-series tonight, a new crop of heroes have emerged yet an all too familiar sword has also resurfaced in the hands of a female warrior searching for her missing father.
When we first meet Miko Otomo (Kiki Sukezane), she is inside her condo in bustling Tokyo as a young man enters her home unexpectedly. Ren Shimosawa (Toru Uchikado) claims that he has cleared a ridiculously high level in the online game Evernow and as a result was given her address. Miko is extremely confused that someone she doesn’t know is in her apartment and tells him to leave immediately. Undeterred, Ren soon returns and explains that he’s a gamer and that he recognized her as Katana Girl, a character in the Evernow that’s never been unlocked. He even brings her a manga (Japanese comic book) that shows the story of Katana Girl.
Miko kicks him out of her place for a second time, but curiosity gets the best of her and she starts to read through the manga. It happens to be written by her father, Hachiro Otomo who has mysteriously vanished. Strangely enough the character does seem to deeply resemble her. Eventually Miko goes into her father’s study, which appears to have been untouched for a long time. She sees a missing katana from the wall and looks down to find a floor compartment with the helix symbol/glyph engraved on it. The hiding place reveals a very recognizable sword that bears the helix glyph on its hilt as well. This must be Hiro’s Kensei sword, but the question is how did come to the possession of Hachiro Otomo?
Aside from the katana, Miko’s father also left her a note that reads, “Save me…the sword is the key.”
HEROES REBORN — “Brave New World / Odessa” Episode 101 — Pictured: Kiki Sukezane as Miko Otomo — (Photo by: Christos Kalohoridis/NBC)
As soon as she removes the blade from its scabbard she is transported to the digital world of Evernow (much like Tron!). She begins to fight old school Japanese minions in the quest to find her father. Meanwhile Ren comes to apologize, probably feeling guilty from acting like an obsessed fanboy. He enters an empty apartment and sees Evernow loaded on Miko’s computer. He starts to see Katana Girl in action and can’t help himself as he joins her in the game.
Hachiro makes an appearance and says thank goodness she’s finally arrived and that they have a lot to do. Their reunion is short lived unfortunately as he is literally pulled by an invisible force into a menacing looking tower. Miko gets knocked out but luckily manages to sheath the sword again to return to the real world. Upon regaining consciousness, she tells Ren that everything he’s said is true. She really is Katana Girl and her father has somehow been trapped inside a video game.
Is Hachiro himself an evolved human with the ability to create and manipulate digital worlds that live on a different plane of existence?
Miko’s resolve remains strong and she decides to go back into the game to rescue her father. Interestingly enough, a real world version of the tower exists in Tokyo and it happens to be Yamagato Tower, likely the same Yamagato that Hiro Nakamura (Masi Oka) and Ando Masahashi (James Kyson) had worked for. Hiro became CEO of the company in season 3 after the death of his father Kaito (incidentally he also came to possess the sword at one time).
Katana Girl is ambushed in Evernow by a bunch of goons and as she logs out, she finds herself in the lobby of Yamagato Tower surrounded by the company’s security guards. She begins to fight them in real life and it feels like Tron even more where possibly some evil Yamagato executive trapped Miko’s father in the virtual world.
David Anders as Adam Monroe/Takezo Kensei
This new ability of the Kensei sword to transport people into a virtual reality is like a familiar character exhibiting a newfound power. The blade was such an important item in the original Heroes series that it’ll be intriguing to find out the journey it’s been through in the last five years.
But first how did it become known as the Kensei sword? The katana was originally created by a swordsmith in Otsu, Japan and somehow it came into the possession of the warrior Takezo Kensei. Hiro first encounters the blade at the Museum of Natural History in New York City (back in Heroes season 1) where he manages to steal it by slowing down time. Unfortunately it was only a replica and the real sword was in the possession of Daniel Linderman (Malcolm McDowell). Linderman had been collecting items relating to evolved humans.
Hiro manages to pinch the real Kensei sword from Linderman’s collection in Las Vegas. Upon acquiring it, he was able to reactivate his abilities after not being able to summon his powers for part of season 1. Hiro though leaves the katana with Ando before going to fight Sylar (Zachary Quinto) in New York. He avoids injury during the battle by teleporting himself, but soon discovers that he has jumped back to the year 1671. There Hiro meets Takezo Kensei/Adam Monroe (David Anders), who now possessed the blade. Adam is another evolved human with the power to regenerate (much like Claire Bennett), but the man doesn’t turn out to be the hero that Hiro expected him to be. After a lot of fighting, the time traveler leaves the katana with Yaeko (Eriko Tamura), the daughter of the swordsmith (and love interest to both Hiro and Adam), before returning to the present.
Let’s also not forget that precognative Isaac Mendez painted Hiro with the blade (and fighting a dinosaur) and all those encounters with future Hiro who had the sword with him.
The sword is still in Hiro’s custody during season 2 and likely through to season 4 when Heroes ended. However at some point within the five years between the original series and Heroes Reborn, Hachiro becomes its owner. It’ll be lots of fun to see how that happens and also more importantly how future Hiro ends up getting the sword back.
Future Hiro (Masi Oka) has the sword again.
For an item that’s been linked to so many different evolved humans in the Heroes universe it certainly cannot be just any plain old blade. Of course there is the possibility that this is a different sword all together, a twin perhaps? In any case its crafted details like this that makes the viewing experience all the more entertaining where even a sword gets its own subplot.
Tonight’s premiere of Heroes Reborn feels reminiscent of Heroes season 1 and reminded me why I loved the series in the first place. Although we have a whole new set of characters and locations, it doesn’t dismiss what happened in the original show and builds on it. Additionally while there is a large mysterious event happening in the background, the storylines focus on how people are dealing with being different in a world that often hates what it doesn’t understand. Solid performances all around for both new and old cast members and a job well done in the writing department. If they can continue this momentum throughout the rest of the series, fans will definitely be wanting even more.
You can catch Heroes Reborn on NBC Thursdays 8/7 central.
Earlier, my editor messaged me to ask if I’m reviewing any shows this season. I told him no so he then asked if I could do him a favor. Being a writer with a bit too much time, I said sure. I’m a straight 28-year-old male who hates horror and Ryan Murphy shows (excluding seasons 1 and 2 of Glee–what? I have two ears and a heart). So of course, my editor convinced me to watch Scream Queens. I hate you, Bilal. I hate you so much. I hate horror and I hate Ryan Murphy.
“Do me a favor Terence, can you watch Scream Queens for me?”
“Sure. Of course.”
I hate you, Bilal. (Editor’s Note: I had no idea about any of this – Bilal)
Here are my reactions to the show in chronological order:
Ryan Murphy track record of shock shows: Nip/Tuck, American Horror Story, definitely not my shtick. Glee? OK. Never watched Popular or The New Normal.
Was “Waterfalls” the basic bitch song in 1995? Dunno, I was 8 at the time.
Cleanest sorority house I’ve ever seen.
Chanel? Her name is Chanel? What’s her middle name? Prada?
KKT? Was KKK too on the nose?
White Mammy, house slave, not okay.
Jamie Lee Curtis, thank god, someone who I don’t already hate.
Aren’t we playing a bit too into stereotypes here?
Spray Tan Acid, at least that was creative.
Nina Pedrad, amazing. I have a feeling the adults will carry this god forsaken show.
Diane Sawyer, KKT, lol.
Sideboob/White party, amazing.
Grace looks like she’s 25.
Game of Thrones/Sorority, y’know, except for less nudity, less intelligent writing, less character development, less Emmy’s, so nothing in common.
Grace: “Oh, my mom died there! I should definitely join!” I hope she dies first.
That is the biggest dorm room I’ve ever seen in my life.
Sassy Black roommate stereotype, Jesus, speak more jive Shaft.
And be more basic, Grace.
Cindy McCain, Megyn Kelly, really? What, no Ann Coulter?
Lea Michele? I guess if Ryan Murphy likes you, he likes you. Except you know, this time, her singing can’t cover up whatever drivel this is.
Candle Vlogger, points for creativity, Murphy.
Chad and Boone, bro-tastic names.
Oh psych majors. Us neuro majors laugh.
And golf bros. Fuck golf bros.
I would actually watch a Michael Bay directed rom-com. Do two explosions having sex make smaller explosions?
Though seriously, hippies are the worst.
Fatties and ethnics, I think I qualify as both?
Wrong way to pronounce “autumnal”, Emma Roberts.
Fake coffee place, the guy that takes your order does not make the coffee, be realistic Ryan Murphy.
Ok, Grace can’t act, and she looks like she’s 30.
Senorita Awesome, ok, and she can’t flirt either.
Poop smells like gingerbeer? Really bro?
Oh, you write for the school newspaper barista dude? How original.
Oooooh, convicted sex offender. Actually original.
I feel walking in heels is the only life skill these girls have mastered.
Oh, also, the actors playing the student roles are just terrible.
WTF WTF WTF
I hate you, Bilal.
These bitches are playing “face burned off by oil” way too chill. I work in an ER, this is not fucking normal.
And these pledges are way too eager to become accomplices to murder #2.
Jamie Lee Curtis, cougar, I can see it.
Academic blackmail for sex, ok, creativity points.
Jamie Lee Curtis is a goddess.
Correction, Jamie Lee Curtis is a golden goddess (…because I can’t destroy every phone in the world).
Grace sounds like every movie villain, “I have to take it over to change it for the better!!!”
OMG, why is this show more than an hour long?!
Oh look, the body is gone, what a surprise….*mysterious music*
Vega’s Pagan Page, hah!
Ok, I just heard Ariana Grande speak, now I want her to die first.
Abigail Breslin, aren’t you too good for this?
Well, the Devil can certainly text quickly.
Ok, the texting is actually great.
DREAMS COME TRUE. ARIANA GRANDE IS DEAD!!!
Dammit, spoke too soon. Red Devil, you’re a bitch. You’re wearing full body armor and a kick from a 70lb girl hurled you across the room.
Ok, she died anyways, thank goodness.
What, the devil doesn’t know he can delete a Facebook post?
Dugongs, that’s a good one.
“That sounds terrible.” Yes Asian Lesbian, I agree.
God, Grace really can’t act.
Oh gee, the perfect girl was neglected and all her horribleness is a way to compensate!!! WHAT AN ORIGINAL TROPE.
Pretty sure fatwas are just fatwas, there are no lists.
Ok, I love Taylor Swift, and deaf Taylor Swift was getting pretty annoying.
Bilal, I will only do these if Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t die.
Getting a real SVU vibe right now.
Holy contrived way to keep girls in a house Batman!
The fuck, who calls each other mom?
Niecy Nash, fuck yeah!
I want to hire KLJ Security for every occasion.
“Bien Fait” = “Well Done” (thanks Google Translate!) Foreshadowing for Grace?
Sigh, ‘plebe’ (from plebeian) is not pronounced pl-eeeeeeb.
Um, where did Grace get those red glasses?
What was that kiss? A contrived plot device!
Seriously, Jamie Lee Curtis is carrying this show. Everyone else is just set dressing.
Well, at least they opened the mystery door in episode 1, thank god for moving that along.
Are we witnessing Grace’s origin story told by her archnemesis? Yes, yes we are.
Time out, you’re telling me those two idiots were having sex with her wearing a nightie and him wearing boxers. Bull-fucking-shit. Gotta love network TV.
Spooning Nick Jonas?
Awkward gay spooning kinda rapey Nick Jonas.
Emma Roberts is wearing Valentino heels. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Thunder buddies get weird.
I want to break up with this show.
And that’s the most realistic breaking-in scene that I’ve ever watched.
I do like it when the files you need to steal are conveniently labeled.
The names you found in the file might be related?! Hold your horses there Nancy Drew.
Killer fake out and false accusation….how unexpected.
Wait, Grace isn’t the baby? I’m confused.
Ohhhhh, plot twist. Gay Nick Jonas joining a sorority.
Abigail Breslin is probably the least intimidating person in the world.
Blahblahblah millennials suck blahblahblah. Real hot take there Ryan Murphy.
“I have a thing for playlists.” What, are you 12 and just discovered music? Next you’re gonna tell me how good Nirvana and the Beatles were.
“Bitch, I’m gonna slap you so hard your tampon is gonna fall out.” Solid.
Niecy Nash being the voice of reason is fucking amazing.
Oh man, why did Shondelle have to die?
“Sunglasses at Night”, solid song choice.
Gay Nick Jonas in a sorority was at least going to be interesting.
Neckbrace is by far the least inspired pledge name.
YES NICK JONAS IS ALIVE!!!!
I just spent 120 minutes of my life watching this show, and I typed the phrase “YES NICK JONAS IS ALIVE!!!!”
I hate you, Bilal.
Join me next week as I watch another episode of Scream Queens. Yay.
EMPIRE Season 2, Episode 1 – “The Devils Are Here” Air Date: September 23, 2015 GRADE: B+
Beyond the record-shattering numbers and cultural zeitgeist, the anticipation for Empire has reached a fever pitch. Since the 6 months that the show has been off the air, its infallible cast has toured the world performing “Drip Drop” for all ages, taken over the Billboard charts and covered pretty much every magazine known to man. But the foundation remains in the story and the characters of this hip-hop soap opera and creator Lee Daniels ensures within the first episode, that we do not be remiss in remembering that.
As sensational and over-the-top as the anticipation has been in regards to the show and the multitude of guest stars (from Pitbull to Don Lemon to Becky G, it started to feel like me, you, your momma and your cousin too were all going to be on Season 2), the premiere’s primary strength is in linking audiences within the family. The dynamic of each character has evolved since we last left off with the Lyons.
Cookie Lyon, the fan favorite, played by the now-Emmy nominated Taraji P. Henson, is still a ball of fire, lifting every barrier placed her way with the force of a thousand men. But she’s now having to prove herself as a businesswoman. Her objective this season is starting her own ’empire.’ Thrust out of Empire Records due to her disloyalty to Lucious (Terrence Howard), Cookie snatches up her baby cubs Andre (Trai Byers) and Hakeem (Bryshere Y. Gray) along with guest-star Marisa Tomei, a cut-throat power executive who happens to be a lesbian, and Anika (Grace Gealey) aka Boo Boo Kitty to craft a new record-label.
The focal point of character development is on the brothers, however. Hakeem has become less of a vermin, using the frustration of being treated second to his Jamal (Jussie Smollett) as fuel to ignite a fire that does away with “Drip, Drop” in favor of harder, edgier, more aggressive material. His first name is Hakeem, Mr. Lyon, if you nasty. Jamal, once the messiah-like hero to the point of nausea, has taken over the throne of Empire and just like wearing the shoes of someone from the past, he takes on all of Lucious’s most devilish traits. At times, he finds himself in conflict between who he wants to be as an artist and a man and who he feels he has to be to succeed in an industry, he once had no parts of. Smollett’s acting strength is in attempting to mask his vulnerability while carrying it completely on his face. There’s a rocky battle internally that may leave fans questioning his motives.
Andre, however, remains one of the most interesting characters within the soap. His struggle to still support his father while also understanding that he is no longer Numero Uno in Lucious’s eyes, leaves him on a lost track and although his brothers’ relationship with Cookie is more developed, watching Andre interacting with Cookie creates a sense of distance, though through personal family gains, a positive relationship is foreshadowed.
Much of the premiere deals heavily with Lucious himself, now in prison for killing his friend, Bunkee. While the drama of prison is fully-realized and an efficient move to have us all waiting in our seats, unless this show steers into Orange Is The New Black territory, audiences are aware that Lucious won’t be held behind bars for that long. After a brawl that leaves Chris Rock‘s guest starring role as Cookie and Lucious’s old drug kingpin, Frank Gathers dead, Lucious wastes no time getting back to work controlling those he calls family like pawns in a deadly chess game.
These ‘pawns’ are now more at odds than ever and less of a united front than last season, leaving potential for tremendous character growth as individuals. While the Daniels-trademarked tactics are still there (Why is Cookie arriving on stage at the Free Lucious concert dressed as an ape?), things feel a bit more smoother this time around. Screen time is devoted to each and every main character and everyone has a motivation that seems to threaten our expectations. The music is louder and more-fitting as well, and with Timbaland being joined by Ne-Yo this season, we’re sure the hits will just keep on rolling.
The biggest injustice entailed in the new season of Empire is Lucious himself. For while Cookie is slowly becoming the star, Lucious still carries a major portion of the first episode and spends a considerable amount of time rapping – dreadfully. His story, yet to be unveiled, may coerce fans into being more understanding of the man behind Empire Records but as of now, that remains to be seen. “The Devils Are Here” presents a straight-forward return to the rowdy Lyon family with the flair and the drama we appreciate – and I hear no complaints.
SCREAM Season 1, Episode 10:
“Revelations”
GRADE: C+
***IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BLOW THE SURPRISE THE ENTIRE SEASON HINGED ON, STOP READING NOW. SERIOUSLY. STOP. DON’T READ FROM HERE. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.***
You know “Revelations” is all in when the duct tape holding Sheriff Hudson to a tree is pulled off — and all his intestines spill out like a giant pack of filled-up water balloons falling out of a torn plastic bag. None of this tripwire-activates-buzzsaw Mousetrap bullshit. The killer basically cut Hudson open, taped him back up and made it look like he fled the scene. The problem is the same one that has persisted throughout the series: I don’t actually care. I mean, the murder was pretty gruesome stuff and it actually made my jaw drop so hard, I scared my cat, but everyone on this show is so uninteresting or undeveloped, that I feel nothing when one of them are put out of their misery.
This, of course, is the big season finale for MTV’s ill-advised TV reboot of the late Wes Craven’s Scream, which means blood will spill, bodies will drop, and knives will make that physically-impossible grinding metal sound as they zing through thin air without touching anything. And, of course, we finally get our villain reveal which (I know you’re gonna be shocked to read this) is not only really boring, it also feels like a cheat.
When we last left our heroes, they were at the school’s Halloween dance. After sufficiently embarrassing themselves by imitating Pulp Fiction and the famous “Twist Contest” scene, GhostMcMeltFace hijacked the school’s projector feed (look, just believe it; I’ve had to sit through ten episodes of this stuff and I am convinced that this version of Ghostface could hack a pencil and make it write on a nearby piece of paper at this point) to reveal that he’s kidnapped Sheriff Hudson and tied him to a tree. Of course, if you read the first paragraph, you know what ends up happening to Hud, so we’ll just skip ahead to Brooke.
Brooke is having a party. You know, the one where she’s 18, but she still managed to buy enough Tequila to sanitize a children’s playground? Anyhow, Audrey’s there and so’s Jake. All that’s missing is the rest of the main cast to complete the murder mixer. But that’s not happening. Lakewood’s Finest are blocking the exits so that “no student leaves the gym”. Emma and Noah plot and scheme to get by this impenetrable line of defense. They have no choice: Noah’s “good equipment is back at the comic store”. Hey, pop quiz, readers! How do Emma and Noah make it past the cops?
They ask, then leave.
They tell the station to call Emma’s Mom with their idea, then leave.
They ask for a police escort to the station to meet Emma’s Mom.
They — fuck it.
You picked #1 and you’re right. I wish I had video of this scene because if you told somebody about it, they’d look at you like you just told them you saw Elvis having lunch with Bigfoot.
Meanwhile, Brooke’s party has predictably gone south for the decade. Impossible to believe, I know, what with a kickin’ party soundtrack featuring Jake Miller’s wholly original-sounding bump-and-grind, “Shake It”. At first, she pseudo-flirts with Audrey, teasing some sort of “relationship” between the two (and I’m game at this point; this show needs a fresh, new relationship), then gets angry when Jake makes out with the goofy bimbo he just happened to meet a couple episodes back. There’s nothing remarkable about any of this, save for the fact that Brooke is still shallow and predictable as ever. The little bonding scene between Audrey and Brooke over Jake’s indiscretions is cute — until the show reminds you how capable it is of producing the worst dialogue known to man. Gotta love this exchange in her Dad’s wine cellar:
Jake: I am sorry for what I said about your family. Brooke: Ok…well, then…I’m sorry I accused you of spying on me. Jake: Full disclosure: I kinda was. Brooke: See?! I KNEW IT! Jake: I was looking out for you! Brooke: You mean, looking out for my boobs?!
This is the kind of banal bullshit Craven’s epic franchise used to parody. Anyhow, the party goes straight to hell when a body’s discovered in the poolhouse. What’s worse: Audrey gets caught by the killer and stabbed. For what it’s worth, Audrey faces her death with all the bravery in the word, asking the killer what it is they’re waiting for. It’s a nice change of pace to see in the horror genre and it’s true to her character who seems to have a virtual suit of armor on her 24/7.
But what still remains irritating is the complete lack of emotional depth from the rest of the cast. The little Jake/Brooke wine cellar confrontation aside, Kieran’s father was gutted and when Noah and Emma drop that little token of information on him, Kieran looks stunned, puts his head against a wall and hides his face, then recovers and basically says to Emma, “Here’s my gun and you should probably use it to kill that little knife-wielding rascal.” If that’s “method acting”, I need a little bit more than “You just got rear-ended in commuter traffic and your tail lights are all smashed.”
“But you could say that Kieran’s just covering for his murderous alter ego by acting that way,” you’re saying. That could very well be. There’s a lot of that in this episode, too. The show, even this late in the game, continues to tease us with red herrings. Seth Branson actually gets to the party after everyone’s left and he confronts Brooke, apologizing. This whole scene is actually fairly well-executed with Branson standing outside the house, panes of glass between him and his little blonde prize. Even the moment when Branson realizes he’s lost Brooke for good and backs off is eerily terrifying and mimics a kind of “transformation”. The lights outside go out. Brooke tries to peer through the inky darkness — and when the lights pop back on, the Killer stands in Branson’s place. Even the ensuing chase and attempt on Brooke’s life is suspenseful thanks to her claustrophobic (albeit highly illogical) hiding space.
In small bursts, the episode actually feels like Scream — or, at the very least, a nice homage.
The big reveal, of course, is the killer’s identity. If you haven’t been reading any spoilers and haven’t seen the show, leave right now.
If you’re ready to get the reveal, just highlight the invisible text below:
The killer is Piper.
Color me disappointed and underwhelmed. Her character (who appeared out of thin air almost halfway through the first season) was so phony and pretentious, many viewers had already pegged her as the killer. In fact, she’s Emma’s sister, Maggie’s illegitimate child from when James knocked her up. The whole angle is reminiscent of the final twist in the final chapter of the Scream film franchise where Roman is revealed to be Sidney’s brother. It’s not a terrible route to travel but it feels tired and cheap. That, and she “monologues” instead of just doing Emma and Maggie in. What I can’t understand is why she couldn’t just use a gun to finish the job instead of spewing five minutes of expository, then taking a swing at Emma with a knife. But, hey, we got our reveal and, as much as of a let-down as it was, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
I mentioned red herrings and, holy shit, even the reveal is a red herring. If you’ll remember, Piper was at Will’s side when Will was attacked by the Killer…so, Noah, like every last one of us, would like to know how that’s possible. At first, he dismisses as part of Piper’s act. She was behind it all, so she could have lied about it — but even Will confirmed Piper’s story. So, just who was wearing that mask that night?
Cut to Audrey, going into a well-hidden lock-box and pulling out letters addressed to her — from Piper. She puts them inside of a pail and begins to light them on fire. The camera slowly zooms in on her face as she watches this incriminating evidence go up in smoke as Noah asks the audience, “Is it finally over or is there more to come?” Obviously, this little tacked-on extra bit helps to answer Noah’s question and also serves as MTV’s kicker to keep what little viewership they have left for the second season. Even that annoys me. I don’t want to hate Audrey. She and Noah are the most entertaining portions of this show and now we’re being told that she probably aided Piper in her bloodlust.
Thanks, MTV. That’s just what we deserve.
There is a silver lining to all this: the first season of Scream saved the best for the season finale. This episode, while it was still “meh” actually felt like some care was put into it. That’s fitting — and the very least that the writers could have done. MTV was even good enough to run a short but sweet memorial for Wes Craven, the director of the entire franchise, before tonight’s episode began (forgive the lack of video; MTV’s been pulling down every single YouTube cap of this and all I got were these lousy screen caps):
We’ve made it through an incredibly frustrating first season of Scream. By “we”, of course, I mean the viewers, the loyal bunch who stayed with this taxing series even though the writers and showrunners threw us all the cheap teen melodrama, terrible dialogue, and non-stop pop-culture name-dropping they thought we could handle. The series, unbelievably enough, has been granted a second year. While I may return to cover the second season of this show (it beckons my inner snark), I know there will be many a viewer who won’t be.
While MTV may point at their ratings for the finale as proof that their lack of viewership is just a myth, let’s not forget that Craven’s death most likely contributed to the 21% ratings bounce. If MTV (and the remaining fans of this show) want a third season and beyond, they’d be wise to address the overwhelming flaws this show has. Unfortunately, the writing, lousy acting, flat characters and self-aware references really dampen any hopes that this show might improve.
“You see, it’s not just that people want to be scared; people are scared,” Wes Craven once said. “Horror movies have to show us something that hasn’t been shown before so that the audience is completely taken aback.”
How frighteningly ironic is it, then, that MTV’s Scream turned out to be just plain boring?
Date: September 23, 2015
Location: Full Sail University, Winter Park, Florida
Commentators: Rich Brennan, Byron Saxton, Corey Graves
It’s another night in the Dusty Classic as we’re moving towards Takeover: Respect with the semi-finals and finals of the tournament as well as a thirty minute Iron Woman match for the Women’s Title. Tonight is likely to be about the tournament and filling in the rest of the card for the show on October 7. Let’s get to it.
Opening sequence.
Eva Marie vs. Carmella
Oh this one could hurt. Carmella shoulders her into the corner to start and throws Eva to the floor so we can get a Moonwalk inside. Back in and Eva’s suplex is booed out of the building as the announcers talk about Eva not being accepted for her improvements. A big boot drops Carmella for two (fans: “THAT’S A KICKOUT!”) and we hit a bow and arrow hold. Fans: “ALL BOTCH EVERYTHING!” Carmella fights back and starts dancing around like Enzo before ramming Emma into the buckle for two. Eva comes back by throwing Carmella to the floor for a big crash and a countout win at 5:10.
Rating: D. So here’s the thing: the story makes sense and yeah Eva is going to get a ton of heat when she probably takes the title from Bayley, but a lot of people, myself included, are going to get annoyed at sacrificing everything the women in NXT have built up for the sake of pushing someone because she’s occasionally on a reality show that doesn’t even draw a million people a week. Yeah that match that sold the Brooklyn show and was all successful and good, but now let’s get rid of it for a woman getting on the job training to be the next Nikki Bella. That’s life in WWE and it’s something we just have to live with.
Nia Jax is still coming. Nothing has changed since Takeover.
Recap of the announcement of the Iron Woman match.
Tyler Breeze vs. Bull Dempsey
Their tag team was a failure and Bull is getting in better shape. Tyler uses the referee as a shield to start and is thrown around like a doll. Bull messes with the hair to really get under Breeze’s skin, causing Tyler to send him out to the floor. Unlike Carmella though, Bull is able to get back in off a whip to the floor. Must be the Bull Fit. Fans: “BULL FIT WORKS!”
Back from a break with Tyler ripping at Bull’s face before opting for a regular headlock. Graves: “Now going down into the trapezius. I learned my anatomy from Gorilla Monsoon.” Bull throws him off and gets all fired up as Breeze punches him. Some left jabs drop Breeze but he’s able to roll to the ropes before Bull can drop the headbutt. Bull goes up again for some reason, only to have Tyler pull him off for the pin with his feet on the ropes at 10:19.
Rating: C. Bull Fit is a nice idea but Breeze winning here was the right idea. Breeze has the potential to really go somewhere in NXT and winning matches and feuds like this are a good sign for him. Dempsey needs to drop some more weight but the fans are getting into the gimmick which is the most important sign.
Clips of the Texas tour.
William Regal brings out Japanese star Kana, whose Titantron video says Asuka. Regal pronounces the new name as “Aska” and asks if there’s anything she’d like to say. Asuka says she’s happy to be here and wants to be NXT Women’s Champion. They sign the contract but here are Dana Brooke and Emma to interrupt. Regal chides them for their rudeness and it gets even worse as they mock Asuka’s English. They’re the ones who ran Charlotte and Becky Lynch off so Asuka better play nice. A dejected Asuka starts to leave but the fans chant her name. Azuka turns back and smiles before slowly leaving.
Tyler Breeze doesn’t have much to say about his match with Apollo Crews at Takeover. Crews comes up and is far more excited about the match than Tyler is.
Feature on the Dusty Classic. Here are the updated brackets:
Samoa Joe/Finn Balor vs. Colin Cassidy/Enzo Amore
Dash/Dawson
Hype Bros vs. Chad Gable/Jason Jordan
Baron Corbin/Rhyno
The Hype Bros and Gable/Jordan are both ready for next week.
Tag Team Titles: Vaudevillains vs. Blake and Murphy
Vaudevillains are defending in the rematch from Takeover: Brooklyn. Gotch shoulders Blake down for two to start and here’s Blue Pants to chase Alexa into the ring for a brawl. Both of them head to the back and English slaps a chinlock on Blake. Blake comes right back with a headlock of his own but Aiden armdrags both challengers down with ease. Murphy back suplexes English onto the apron and we take a break.
Back with English still in trouble off a kick to the face and a chinlock from Blake. Murphy’s chinlock keeps the match slow until English comes back with a hard slap to the face. Gotch and Blake come in with Simon’s screwy offense taking over. Everything breaks down and Blake gets his knees up to stop Aiden’s middle rope senton. English gets two off a rollup and sends Murphy to the floor, allowing Simon to come back in for the Whirling Dervish to retain at 12:17.
Rating: C-. That was certainly chinlocky. It was much more boring than bad though as there was almost no chance of the titles changing back here. I’m assuming the winners of the tournament, likely Gable/Jordan, are the next challengers, which makes more sense than anything else.
Enzo and Big Cass are thankful for everything Dusty did for them and want to win the tournament in his honor. They respect Balor and Joe as well, but respect goes out the window next week.
Balor and Joe say Cass and Enzo might be the realest guys in the room but they’re the toughest guys on the block and you can’t teach that.
Overall Rating: C. Not the worst show in the world here but it was much more about setting stuff up for later shows. The tournament is mostly set up now and we have a good chunk of Takeover set with the Iron Woman match guaranteed to take up thirty minutes and the tournament matches filling in most of the rest of the card. Fun enough show here but it was much more of a building episode than anything else.
Results
Eva Marie b. Carmella via countout
Tyler Breeze b. Bull Dempsey – Pin with feet on the ropes
Vaudevillains b. Blake and Murphy – Whirling Dervish to Blake
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Awkward Episode: “Now You See Me, Now You Don’t” Air Date: Monday, September 21, 2015
This week on Awkward: Yearbooks are out, Matty is still unpopular and Jenna is awarded the title of “Most Depressing.”
Jenna’s foray into popular land has ended and now she does not know how to dress for school. Should she wear her old boring ‘Jenna’ hoodie or that sparkly shirt that shows off her rack. While contemplating her outfit Lacey enters the room and grabs the hoodie. The hoodie is the perfect item to wear to the PHHS Mother/Daughter banquet where moms go up on stage and impersonate their daughters in front of the entire female senior class. This is the most bizarre school event I have ever heard of, but apparently Lacey has been waiting for this day since Jenna came out of the womb.
When Jenna arrives at school Theo and Cole are handing out the year books, to which they made a few changes. These guys are literally just throwing the yearbooks out into a crowd of students who are gathered around the pair like a bunch of wild hyenas. Tamara shoves her way to the front to grab yearbook and immediately flips to the superlatives to find that Jenna was vote most depressing.
This Is a huge blow for Jenna, who was convinced she would win ‘Most Improved’ or ‘Best Transformation.’ I mean, she hasn’t been suicide girl since sophomore year! T understands why Jenna got this title:
Tamara: Well there was that one semester where you ditched all your friends to hang out with MaryJane and that douche Colin. Oh, and I guess the low class rank and the whole not getting in to SCU thing. And you’re always kinda in this constant state of analysis paralysis on your face.
Matty and Jake got voted best bromance, to remind the viewers that the two are still in a bro-feud. More importantly though, Tamara got voted most likely to marry a deaf guy, which may be the best superlative ever given. This is coming from someone who received the senior superlative of “Most Likely to Hit A Stationary Object.” I couldn’t make that up if I tried.
Jenna goes home only to discover that all of the superlatives from her mom’s senior yearbook came true. Ally got voted strongest liver, Lacey got most likely to not go to college and Jenna’s dad got most likely to knock up a girl. Jenna needs some good old fashion advice from her always reliable guidance counselor. Unfortunately the blonde sitting in the office is not Val, it is Lissa. A few days earlier, Lissa wandered into Val’s office and was mistaken for a guidance counselor. Since that day she decided to just take over Val’s role. Lissa couldn’t be any worse than Val right? Jenna shrugs this off and decides to unload all of her problems onto Lissa. Lissa just scoffs and tells her that people have real problems and that only her friend’s opinions matter. Not the best advice, but certainly not the worst.
Matty and Jenna exchange books to sign and Jenna spends all night trying to craft the perfect yearbook inscription for Matty. She wants it to show how much she cares about him and how important their friendship is to her. Suffice to say, Jenna is pissed when she discovers all that Matty wrote in her yearbook was “You’re one cool chick.” To pour some salt on her open wound, Lacey picks this moment to barge into Jenna’s room and reveal her banquet costume which is Lacey wearing a fake full arm cast.
Jenna has had enough of being looked at like Sophomore year Jenna. As if all of her growth over the last three years has been for nil. She lets all of her anger out on her mom by asking Lacey how she would like it if everyone saw her as the short-skirt wearing mom who wrote a carefrontation letter to her daughter. Lacey is hurt and heartbroken and tells Jenna to learn how to take a joke. This is a hard one for me, because I see Lacey’s side, but I also see Jenna. These two are now in a good place; Lacey has apologized and has shown Jenna that she loves her daughter and is trying to make up for her mistakes and Jenna shouldn’t bring this up just to hurt her mom. That said, Lacey does not have the right to bring up one of her daughter’s worst memories (which Lacey was the catalyst for) as a joke. Even though the two are in a good place and they have moved past the incident, it does not make what did Lacey okay.
Lacey receives Jenna’s message and does not use any “Depressing Jenna” material during the Mother Daughter Banquet and this causes her bit to bomb. After Jenna sees her mom flailing on stage she runs up to save Lacey by making joke about how she is depressing. The two hug and makeup and all is well. The only thing left for Jenna to do is confront Matty (who snuck in to watch the banquet with creepy Kyle) about his yearbook note. He explains that Jenna is his best friend and that he knows her so well, but because he is a dude, he was only able to express this by writing “You’re one cool chick.”
In Sadie News
Even though Sadie is barely with any other main characters this season, I am loving her story lines. Ally stops by the school for the Mother/Daughter Banquet only to find out that Sadie will be taking Darlene instead. Ally is uncharacteristically upset and even says to Darlene (about Sadie) “We drive each other batshit insane, but at least I am actually around.” Is that Ally showing genuine compassion for Sadie, or am I hallucinating? Darlene lets that roll off her shoulders and then shows Ally the most horrendous impression of Sadie that she is planning to perform at the banquet. It is so bad I hid my face under a blanket because I was embarrassed. Ally realizes that if Darlene goes on stage and performs that it will crush Sadie so Ally coaches Darlene for the banquet.
Darlene goes up on stage and nails the performance. Sadie watches her mom and tries to pretend she hates the performance but she can’t. Her mom is on stage proving to everyone that she knows and loves her daughter, and not even Sadie can fight the smile from forming on her face. Meanwhile, Ally, the parental unit who actually knows Sadie the best is sitting on the side getting no recognition.
Quote of the Week
Ally: Which reminds me, I need to try out a new white wine option. This one tastes like it’s low on alcohol content. I can feel my body rehydrating.
THE MUPPETS Season 1, Episode 1
“Pig Girls Don’t Cry”
GRADE: B-
Jim Henson’s creations have been in our lives for nearly 50 years with 16 different films and television series, countless television specials, cartoons, books, video games and have even helped teach us how to speak, spell, and count. We’ve seen so much of the Muppets in the last few years (thanks to a welcome wave of childhood nostalgia on the part of Disney), that it’s probably very easy to forget that these characters, as old and simple as they are, are timeless due to the imaginations behind them. The creators and writers who bring them to life get it. They understand their audience, they understand the universe these creatures inhabit, they understand what it is that makes us laugh — they understand us.
How fortunate for us, then, that Tuesday, September 22, 2015 is a big day in Muppet fandom. But while the good news is that The Muppets are back on TV in a new weekly series, the bad news is that it may not be to everyone’s liking. In fact, I may go so far as to say it might divide fans of The Muppets entirely — and that’s not a good thing for the long term.
“Up Late with Miss Piggy” is a late-night variety show hosted by the famous swine of the same name. Kermit is the head producer and his production staff mostly consists of other Muppets. The Electric Mayhem is the show’s band, the prudish Sam the Eagle runs the Standards and Practices board to make sure that words like “gesticulate” are never heard on the air and Scooter is Kermit’s talent booker. This should be an easy ace in the hole — except that Kermit and Piggy are no longer an item, so doing something as simple as bumping Elizabeth Banks from the show at the last second (Piggy “hates her stupid face” due to a botched screen test she had, with Banks, for the role of Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games) carries with it a bag full of unspoken animosity that’s already heavy from Piggy’s past unreasonable demands. “You know, when Piggy and I were a couple, I found her unpredictable and spontaneous and…perky,” Kermit explains to the camera. “But if you take dating out of the equation…she’s just a lunatic.”
So desperate is Kermit, that he enlists Scooter to grab another guest on short notice. Who does Scooter wrangle? Dancing With the Stars host Tom Bergeron. They’re on the same lot since Miss Piggy’s show is also on ABC, so why not? Tom’s more than happy to help Kermit out, offering some homegrown humor:
“Should I tell the story of the time I grew a moustache and some guy thought I was Tom Selleck?” Bergeron asks.
“And then what happened?” Kermit replies.
“That’s it,” Bergeron says. “I looked like Tom Selleck.”
THE MUPPETS – The Muppets are back in prime time like you’ve never seen them before. Romance! Breakups! Success! Failure! Muppets are opening the doors to their homes and offices in this fresh documentary style series that explores these beloved characters as they live their lives in Hollywood. This real-world Muppet series will have something for kids of all ages. (ABC/Andrea McCallin) DENISE, KERMIT THE FROG
As has probably been mentioned several times over in the lead-up to this show, with Piggy out of the picture, Kermit’s dating another pig: Denise, a cute little redheaded network marketer. They met on a cross-promotion tour, according to Kermit. There, they, uh…”cross-promoted”. They’re not the only inter-office romance/affair. Rizzo’s got a new girlfriend as well. In fact, he dates her under Fozzie’s podium and makes innuendos and double entendres about his intentions as the evening’s dinner progresses.
The oddest romance angle on the show deals with Fozzie and his relationship with a human woman whose parents don’t approve because Fozzie’s not human. Her father is a bigot who, when Fozzie compliments the man’s wife on the salmon, mutters, “He likes the salmon — what a surprise.” When the wife says she wishes she had “raw salmon” for him to eat (bears usually fish in rivers, you see), Fozzie replies, “I usually get mine at Costco.” The humor of the scene is in the surreal irony of the situation: it’s an “interspecies relationship”, so to speak, except that Fozzie’s not that type of bear. He’s more or less a human being who just happens to be a bear of sorts. “When your online profile says, ‘Passionate bear looking for love’, you get a lot of wrong responses.” he says. Your jaw drops. Fozzie clears the air: “Well…not wrong…just…not for me.”
Waka-waka, right?
THE MUPPETS – “Pig Girls Don’t Cry (Pilot)” – Miss Piggy is furious that Kermit booked Elizabeth Banks as a guest on her late night talk show Up Late with Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear meets his girlfriend’s parents, and Grammy Award-winning rock band Imagine Dragons performs their new single “Roots,” on the season premiere of “The Muppets,” TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 22 (8:00-8:30 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Andrea McCallin) FOZZIE BEAR
Either this is working for you or it isn’t. If you’re giggling at this, this show is for you. I cannot recommend it highly enough. If you’re not, I’m not sure what I can say to you — though I do see where you might be coming from. At first glance, the first-person, interview-style format of the show (aped from shows like The Office, 30 Rock, and Modern Family) seems like a brilliant idea. The Muppets do send-up humor like nobody else in the business — and that may be a huge part of why it also doesn’t work. The episode feels like an overlong extension of the 10-minute teaser reel that was released during Comic-Con. The additional time needed to tell the story results in uncomfortable melodrama (the Piggy-Kermit break-up scene is really off-putting and unnecessary and probably could have been saved for a later show) and stilted cringe-inducing exchanges. The Muppets no longer seem like Muppets in these instances and that’s not exactly a welcome decision.
On top of that, the Muppets’ sudden penchant for grown-up jokes (if Fozzie’s line about “bears looking for love” didn’t clue you in) combined with the mature storytelling and plotting (which border on topical social commentary) might be the deciding factor for this series.This show is obviously going to appeal to a broad audience — which includes children — and ABC hasn’t been totally forthcoming about the overall tone of the show. In fact, the notion that The Muppets are cracking this wise may not even sit well with long-time fans.
THE MUPPETS – “The Muppets” return to prime time with a contemporary, documentary-style show that, for the first time ever, will explore the Muppets’ personal lives and relationships, both at home and at work, as well as romances, break-ups, achievements, disappointments, wants and desires; a more adult Muppet show, for kids of all ages. (ABC/Eric McCandless) KERMIT THE FROG, GONZO THE GREAT
That said, CBS’s “The Muppet Show” had more than a few moments that kids wouldn’t understand, so this isn’t new. We still have the celebrity cameos (Imagine Dragons is the musical guest and performs their new single, “Roots”), the Electric Mayhem is still very much their stoner selves (Zoot alludes to being in a rehab program — but it’s played for laughs in true Muppet deadpan style), and Statler and Waldorf even have front row seats, heckling Fozzie and the many guests who show up.
The adult tone is the series sword by which it will live or die. Once you get past the weirdness of Kermit proclaiming his life to be a “bacon-wrapped hell on Earth”, everything you see and hear is more harmless than damaging. The series even has fun at its own expense, playing on the notion that the censors control everything they can say on their pseudo-kid’s show. “Can’t say ‘HELL’!” Sam reminds Kermit in a drive-by chiding near the elevator as Kermit sighs in exasperation.
In fact, much of it is your usual Muppet-brand inside baseball:
“Pepe, how was your cousin’s wedding?” Scooter asks before the big production meeting.
“Eh, her dress was ugh,” Pepe says. “But, you know, there’s not many options when you’re pregnant with, like, 4000 babies.”
We are 24 hours removed from Night of Champions and we have three new champions in John Cena, Charlotte and Kevin Owens. Seth Rollins successfully defended the big title against a now-injured Sting and WWE’s creative staff now looks ready to put us through Rollins/Kane for the next three months until the Royal Rumble. Tonight should be the fallout from NOC and, hopefully, we get some good championship rematches. Let’s see what WWE’s got for us tonight.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Laredo, Texas for Monday Night RAW!!!
Cole, JBL and Saxton are the guys on the mics.
The Wyatts start us off, coming to the ring to presumably gloat about last night’s win. Wyatt says he warned Reigns about what would happened. Reigns didn’t listen. Last night, Bray grabbed the golden idol by the throat and brought him to his knees. He shouts until Reigns’ music hits.
He comes down the stairs with no back-up and stands toe-to-toe with the Wyatts. Bray laughs heartily. Reigns says that this isn’t about Roman Reigns — it’s about Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt, one-on-one. He tells Bray to “send the bigguns back to the swamp” and they can see which one of the two of them will make it out of Laredo alive. Bray grandstands and yells. Roman Reigns asks if Bray’s scared to go one-on-one. Reigns says that’s fine. They don’t need to have a ref or a match. They just need to have a fight. Wyatt nods and tells his troops to go.
Reigns clocks Harper, then hits a Samoan Drop on Wyatt, then clotheslines him in the corner, finishing with a short-arm clothesline. Wyatt comes back with punches of his own and then tries to charge Reigns who comes back with a Superman Punch. Harper enters and gets his ass beat. Strowman comes in and hits an awkward chokeslam.
Dean Ambrose’s music hits and he comes running down. He ducks Strowman who meets him in the aisle, dives into the ring and takes out Harper, then tries to dive at Strowman outside. Strowman won’t go down. Dean punches at him. Strowman tosses him into the ring. Ambrose dives at him again — but Strowman STILL won’t go down. Then Strowman just clubs Ambrose in the back. From here, it’s a gigantic 3-on-1 brawl outside the ring. When all looks lost for Reigns and Ambrose…
…Orton’s music hits.
Randy Orton comes running down to the ring. He powerslams Bray, then dumps Harper from the ring. He side-suplexes Harper into the announce table, then starts going after Strowman who just headbutts him. Orton goes back into the ring where Strowman just paces around him. When he gets up, Strowman goes for a chokeslam. Ambrose, however, goes top rope for a huge sitting dropkick which just knocks Strowman back a few steps. Orton dropkicks Strowman. Same result. Reigns hits a Superman Punch which just knocks Strowman over the top rope and leaves him dazed.
The faces stand tall — and that is how you start out a Monday Night RAW, folks.
Cole runs us through a recap of Rollins’ gauntlet last night at Night of Champions.
Rollins is backstage, outside the Authority’s door. He enters — but finds Korporate Kane instead. Huh?! Rollins wants to know what happened with Triple H and Steph. Kane doesn’t know. Rollins says that Kane is acting evasive and then asks why Kane attacked him last night. Kane says he has no idea what Rollins is talking about. He’s been at home all this time, recuperating from his broken angle at the hands of Brock Lesnar. Kane’s all bright and smiley as he tells Rollins that his re-match against John Cena is tonight. Rollins is dazed but doesn’t object. He says he’s gonna go find Triple H and Steph. Kane tells him that’s fine and wishes him luck, yelling “You’re the man, Seth! Go get ’em!” In the background is the holding place for Kane’s mask. It’s empty. Wow. This is really unbelievable. Just when you thought the Kane angle couldn’t get worse.
MATCH #1: Stardust & The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor) vs. Neville & Lucha Dragons (Kalisto & Sin Cara) Cole plugs this as “the re-match from last night’s pre-show match” like we just couldn’t wait. Cara and Konnor slug it out until Cara slips on the turnbuckle and injures his knee on the fall, a metaphor for the quick and sudden plummet the show is on. The Cosmic Wasteland tags in and out, choking Cara and stomping at him. Stardust gets into the ring and stomps Cara, then cartwheels over to Neville, showing him his plam-star. Cara FINALLY gets into the ring and kicks at Stardust, then takes out The Ascension. He flips across the ring and kicks Star, then goes for the Red Arrow but The Ascension distracts him and Neville spills outside. After a break, Neville’s in trouble as Stardust and Viktor toss Konnor into Neville in the corner. Neville tries a Sunset Flip but Viktor tags in before it happens and stomps at Neville after Neville manages to roll Konnor up. Two count. Stardust gets in and hits an axehandle off the rope. Star hits an Inverted Abdominal Stretch but Neville breaks it and the two crash into the corner. Nevill tries for a tag and eventually hits it. Kalisto hits a Cross Body, then hits an Enzuguri on Star. Spinning Splash off the ropes to Konnor. Cara dives at him outside. Star gets back in the ring. Neville takes him out. Viktor tries a clothesline but eats a Salida Del Sol as the heroes get the win at 10:47. WINNERS: Nevill & Lucha Dragons
RATING: **. Neat match but never really took off until Kalisto got involved at the end.
Backstage, Rollins bumps into Triple H and Steph. He says he wants to know why Kane’s been reinstated. Triple H and Steph are just shocked by this. Rollins says Kane’s booked him in a re-match for the United States title. Steph and Triple H tell Rollins he should get ready for his rematch and focus on regaining that title. Rollins: “The United States Championship?!“. Steph says it’s a “good opportunity as nothing continues to make any sense. They’ll worry about Kane. Rollins leaves.
JBL: “Nobody knew that Kane was gonna show up tonight?” You know it’s bad when even the announcers aren’t buying this shit.
Cole takes us through the Intercontinental Championship match at Night of Champions when Owens beat Ryback by raking his fucking eyes. Jesus, Hogan should be an 11,000-time champion by now.
Ryback and Bo Dallas are set to wrestle until Kevin Owens shows up with the Intercontinental Championship. He taunts Ryback with it, then sits at ringside to do commentary. Bo Dallas congratulates Owens on his victory, then turns to Ryback and says that Ryback will never be as good as Kevin Owens — BO-LIEVE DAT, et, him.
MATCH #2: Ryback vs. Bo Dallas Ryback beats Dallas in the corner, then throws him clear across the ring. He clubs on him, then slams him. Belly to belly. Dallas tries for a comeback but Ryback just knocks him down. Suplex gets two. Dallas makes a second comeback, hitting knees to Ryback’s face, then kicking his head. Dallas puts Ryback in a side headlock but Ryback breaks it and hits a Spinebuster. Meat Hook, Shell Shock, done at 3:37. WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: DUD. Pseudo-squash.
Post-match, Owens dives into the ring and attacks Ryback. Ryback comes back and clotheslines Owens’ head off. He goes for the Shell Shock but Owens kicks out and scrams.
NEXT: Charlotte will address the Divas.
We get clips of Charlotte’s title win at NOC.
Ric Flair comes to the ring first. #DivasRevoluton! Flair says he’s a happy father — and he’s had fun in Laredo, Texas. Wooo! There are times in a man’s life when things happen that are so special. The crowd thanks Flair as if he’s never, ever given a speech. They won’t shut up, so Flair thanks them back so they do shut up. He says that he’s never been prouder than today. Nothing eclipses what happened last night. His little girl won the Divas Championship. She worked hard and paid the price. He introduces Charlotte.
Charlotte comes out with Becky and Paige. Ric holds the ropes open for her. Both Ric and Charlotte WOO into the mic. Charlotte says she and her Dad tend to cry when they’re in the ring together. She says that she remembered watching her Dad wrestle and she always wanted to be like her Dad because he was the best. She loves her Dad very much. They kiss and hug. Charlotte thanks her team. She says it’s been a dream. She has two best friends in Becky and Paige. She says that Becky has reminded her to have fun and not be serious all the time. She turns to Paige and says that she and Paige started at NXT together and Paige was the first NXT Womens Champ. Paige takes the mic and says that Charlotte’s too nice and it’s time to think of who made this all possible — PAIGE. Paige tells Becky to shut up, then says that Charlotte is being patronizing by pretending to be thankful to her and Becky. Paige says that Charlotte’s acting like she’s gotten into the Hall of Fame. Paige says she’s a TWO-TIME champ. In fact, she won it on her first day in WWE. Paige says that Nikki’s gonna win the title back with the help of her “hippy sister” and Alicia because there is no Divas Revolution. Charlotte’s just a place-holder for Nikki. Paige tells Becky to back off. She says Becky is NEVER going to be a champ because she isn’t even relevant.
Oh, and that’s not all. She insults Team B.A.D. for being all flash and no substance, then says that Nattie doesn’t even work in WWE. Summer and Lana, meanwhile, are busy fighting over who they’re gonna fuck next. She says the Bellas are bullshit and only on top and “everyone knows the real reason why”, hinting that they’re sleeping with two of the most popular stars in WWE. She says the real reason why Charlotte’s champion IS because of Ric Flair. Paige drops the mic and leaves as Becky holds Charlotte back.
The Bellas appear to make this even worse. Nikki gets snarky and insults Paige, calling her a “trashy woman”, then says that Charlotte can’t handle the pressure of being champion. She says that, tonight, Charlotte’s gonna lose to Brie Bella. She says that Charlotte’s gonna lose the Divas Title in their re-match. Wow. Let me get this straight: Paige is suddenly a heel because Charlotte’s the champion like they all wanted her to be, but she hates the Bellas? Ok, fine. PLEASE let this lead to a Divas faction split because that’s what the Divas Division needs at this point.
MATCH #3: WWE Divas Champion Charlotte (w/ Becky Lynch) vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella & Alicia Fox) (non-title) Brie snapmares Charlotte to the mat and then shoulderblocks her. Charlotte comes back with a roll-up, then bashes Brie’s face with her knee. Brie comes back, kicking Charlotte to the mat, then hits a Missile Dropkick. Two count. The fight spills out of the ring and Charlotte eats the steel steps. Brie gets back in the ring as Charlotte’s magical knee is injured again. Brie kicks her in the corner, then weakly works on her injured knee. Brie uses the leg to fling Charlotte across the ring. Charlotte rolls up Brie for two and it’s MORE KNEE PERIL JUST LIKE LAST NIGHT. Brie plainly kicks at Charlotte’s knee, then poses. Brie dropkicks her in the ribs, then wraps the knee against the bottom rope. Drunk Mode sees Brie kicking Charlotte in the knee. Because it’s injured, see. Two count. Charlotte comes back with forearms. She tries a slam but Brie kicks out and then nails her in the back of the knee. Half Crab time. Charlotte escapes and gets a backslide for two. Charlotte hits Flair Chops. Brie kicks her, misses a clothesline and ends up getting speared. Figure Eight wins it even though the knee is “injured”. Count it at 6:26. WINNER: Charlotte via Figure Eight
RATING: DUD. This was the same match as last night, done in half the time, against one of the worst in-ring Divas in Brie Bella who half-assed this entire match working on Charlotte’s “trick knee”. Charlotte takes a full-on beating for about 6 minutes before she finally mounts an offense and wins with a move that requires an “injured” part of her body to work. How is this making Charlotte look good? Can we stop leaning on the Bella Twins already? Their time is done.
STILL TO COME: Cena vs. Rollins for the United States Title.
MATCH #4: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry The crowd gets on Sheamus for his look. The two shove one another. Sheamus tries to punch Henry but Henry blocks and clotheslines him. Sheamus gets out of the ring, yells, then re-enters. He hits punches and uppercuts. Henry slams him, then clotheslines him out of the ring. Sheamus throws a tantrum and stands outside. Henry tries to pull him back into the ring but Sheamus punches him. He goes for Ten Beats but Henry blocks on #4 and tosses Sheamus back into the ring. Henry goes for a Powerslam but Sheamus kicks out and hits a Brogue, then does it again and we’re done at 2:23. WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: n/a – squash
Sheamus goes back to the top of the ramp and tells the fans that they can chant all they want — he’s gonna be WWE Heavyweight Champ. It’s just a matter of time.
STILL TO COME: Dolph Ziggler & The Dudley Boyz vs. Rusev & The New Day
Kane is backstage, drinking coffee. Triple H and Steph show up and tell Kane they’re surprised to see him. They ask how he is. Kane says he feels great and it’s good to be back at work. Triple H says that they’re confused. Kane asks if it’s about the rematch tonight. Triple H and Steph say that isn’t it. They just want to know why he did what he did at Night of Champions. Kane feigns ignorance. They tell Kane that they’re fine with the attack and the revenge thing against Rollins but they don’t want to be treated like idiots. Kane still feigns ignorance. Steph says they should all get on the same page. She tells Kane to “give it back” and holds out her hand. Kane slaps her hand, giving her “five”. Steph smiles and says that she wants Kane’s mask back. Kane notices his mask is missing and tells Steph that she lost it, not him. He gets in her face — then backs off, all smiles, saying he’ll help look for it. He leaves, telling them to have a good night.
Paige and her WonderBra are backstage. And look at that! Nattie shows up. What a coincidence. Paige is surprised to see her. Nattie says that Paige was right about a lot of things. Nattie says that Paige was still unprofessional. Tonight was Charlotte’s night and Paige destroyed it. If the shoe were on the other foot, Paige would be furious. Nattie says that she is still a star here and she has a match against Naomi. She tells Paige that PAIGE is the only person holding her back.
The New Day comes out to the ring. Woods limps around from his beating at NOC. He holds up a gigantic shard from the broken table inside an evidence bag. He says that the WWE medical team pulled that piece of wood from his ass. Kofi says the Dudleys have got to be stopped. E says that a wall must be built around Dudleyville, one that will protect their laws, values and furniture. Kofi says that the WWE Universe can speak because they have a voice. Save…the tables! Save…the tables! Save…the tables!
MATCH #5: WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E) (w/ Xavier Woods) & Rusev (w/ Summer Rae) vs. The Dudley Boyz (D-Von & Bubba Ray) & Dolph Ziggler Crowd is hot as Kofi and Ziggler start off together. The two flip around and counter one another. Ziggler hits a shoulderblock, then a slingshot after about 80 more counters. Tag to D-Von who slams Kofi and hits a legdrop. Kofi fights back but misses a corner slingshot D-Von hits a falling neckbreaker. E gets in the ring but the Dudleys double-team him. It’s a melee outside. After break, Ziggler and E go at it with Ziggler hitting a neckbreaker. Woods distracts Ziggler with a trombone and E nails Ziggler with a huge clothesline. Rusev tags in and beats on Ziggler in the corner. New Day mudhole stomp as Woods blows on his horn and won’t shut the fuck up. Rusev hits a Flying Headbutt and gets two. Ziggler fights back but Rusev nails him with an elbow.. Ziggler tries to crawl to his corner but Rusev stops him and puts him in the heel corner. E tags in and locks in the Abdominal Stretch. Ziggler breaks and hits a Fame-Asser but nobody cares because Woods plays the fucking trombone and Summer literally jerks off the trombone. Kofi stops another hot tag attempt, then dropkicks Ziggler. Kofi tags E and E tags Rusev. Triple Team attempt squashes Ziggler like a grape. Rusev tells Ziggler to make a tag. Ziggler tries but Rusev kicks him in the ribs like he’s trying to score against Madrid’s defense. Rusev misses a corner splash and Dolph nails him with a DDT after a LONG wait. Finally, Dolph tags Bubba who destroys Kofi. Bubba takes out E, then hits a Sidewalk Slam. Kofi misses a top rope Cross Body. Bubba slams him to the mat and gets two. E comes in but eats Bubba’s boot. Rusev tags in but Bubba knocks him down and tags in D-Von. Double Suplex. Tag to Ziggler who hits WASSUP . The New Day pulls the Dudleys outside the ring. Ziggler runs to the ropes. Woods hops up on the mat, so Ziggler superkicks him. Rusev superkicks Dolph and gets the pin at around 15:17 WINNERS: Rusev/New Day
RATING: **. The match worked when Woods wasn’t the center of attention, otherwise, this went on far too long and didn’t involve the Dudleys much.
Cole has us review the Kane/Rollins confrontation from earlier tonight.
MATCH #6: Naomi (w/ Sasha Banks & Tamina) vs. Natalya
For some reason, Nattie is still rocking the dominatrix look. Naomi slaps Nattie so Natties locks her up. Then they dropkick one another. Nattie snapmares Naomi but Naomi crawls under the ropes. Naomi kicks Nattie on the ensuing scrap and gets two. Naomi picks Nattie up by her hair and drops her, then puts her in a clutch. Nattie breaks but Naomi runs her head into the buckle, then kinda sits there, bouncing and waving to Team BAD. Nattie recovers but Naomi takes her down with a flying clothesline, a body slam and a legdrop. Naomi chokes her on the ropes, then kicks her in the ribs. Nattie makes a comeback with a Side Suplex and Sitting Dropkick, then hits a Discus Clothesline. She goes for a Sharpshooter but Sasha Banks gets up on the mat. Naomi nails her with the Here’s My Ass move I no longer give a shit about and this match ends at 4:00. WINNER: Naomi via Rear View
RATING: DUD. Nobody cares. Seriously. Tell me you cared about what you saw and be honest with me. Nattie’s sudden resurrection can’t be a one-off unless they’re teaming her with Paige now and even that seems ill-advised. How could Creative fuck up this badly with the “Divas Revolution”? This was fish in a barrel and they still managed to mishandle it.
Rollins meets with Steph and Triple H who tell Rollins that they believe that Kane got everything out of his system last night at Night of Champions. Steph believes that Kane is back to do his actual job. Rollins disagrees and says that Kane’s gonna run over him. Triple H has had it and tells Rollins to shut up. They will handle Kane. He tells Rollins to worry about Cena.
MATCH #7: Big Show vs. Cesaro Cesaro clubs at Show and tries to fly at him from the second rope but Show slaps his chest, then whips him into the corner. Then he just runs him over with a shoulderblock. Chest slap by Show and then he just throws Cesaro across the ring. He chokes Cesaro, then hits a Reverse DDT. Show goes for an elbow drop but misses. Cesaro gets to his feet and begins to hit uppercuts. He hits a big dropkick and Show goes outside the ring. Cesaro chases and hits a huge running uppercut.Cesaro gets on the announce table but Show catches him and rams his back into the post. Back in the ring, Cesaro uppercuts Show, then tries to suplex Show into the ring. After working on this for about 8 minutes and 24 uppercuts, Cesaro practically destroys his back doing it. Show stands up and just KO’s Cesaro and we’re done around six minutes. WINNER: Big Show via KO Punch
RATING: DUD. Whatever. I’m over Big Show. Cesaro should be on the rise and, instead, he’s being buried because Vince has a hard-on for Big Show.
Post-match, oh great: Big Show has a mic and needs to yack about how awesome he is. He says this match was “a message for Brock Lesnar”. He says he’s the greatest giant the business has ever seen. Everyone’s forgotten that. He says he will be the one to pin Lesnar. He says that Lesnar knows Show can’t stand him. The crowd chants for “SUPLEX CITY”. Show encourages them all the chant because there’s “no way his big ass is going to Suplex City”. He rants and rants and rants about the Hell Tour. He says that Lesnar’s just another reason Show will prove he’s the greatest as if he’s been wrestling as much as Cena.
ON SMACKDOWN: Ziggler & Ryback vs. Rusev & Owens
We recap the big Wyatts vs. 2/3’s Shield battle that goes on and on and on — and, HEY, let’s have a Wyatt spot on top of that. Harper says he hears Bray Wyatt’s voice in his head. Bray saved him. Orton hasn’t learned from his mistakes. Braun Strowman says the last snake he caught was skinned. He even drank the snake’s blood. Bray says that everyone falls.
MATCH #8: John Cena (champion) vs. Seth Rollins (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship Seth attacks Cena during the latter part of the Lillian Garcia’s intro. Rollins gets two quick two-counts. He goes for a neckbreaker and hits it for two. Rollins continues to punch at Cena and then drops a knee for two. Rollins goes for a Pedigree but Cena counters into an STF which Rollins kicks out of. Rollins hits an Enzuguri and gets two. Rollins hits a quick corner splash. Two count. Rollins runs at Cena but Cena wakes up and hits a clothesline. Cena goes for an AA but Rollins kicks out and counters with a DDT. Two count. Cena rolls outside. When we come back from break, Rollins kicks at Cena, then puts him in a headlock. Cena breaks it but Rollins hits a makeshift Bulldog and gets two. Rollins hits a side headlock and punches but Cena hits Moves #1 – #3. He goes for the 5KS and hits it. Rollins rolls out of the ring and starts to retreat, so Cena grabs him and tosses him back into the ring. The two ends up in the corner. Rollins tries a Superplex but Cena headbutts him and hits a Cross Body for two. Rollins reverses the pin for two, then hits a quick Superkick for two. Both men get to their feet. After a counter, Rollins locks in the STF but Cena powers out and lifts Rollins up, dumping him outside the ropes. Rollins, however, hits a Springboard Knee to Cena’s face and gets two. Rollins gets up, picks Cena up and tries a Pedigree but Cena counters with a slingshot. Rollins lands on his feet and Cena sees that. He grabs Rollins and knocks him off the buckle and NEARLY gets a fall. Cena hits some jabs, then goes for the AA but Rollins kicks out and tries the Pedigree. Another counter. The two counter each other over and over until Cena ends up getting Buckle Bombed. Rollins hits the Mininoku Driver and nearly gets a fall. Rollins drags Cena close to the buckle and goes top rope. He flies at Cena and misses. Rollins lands on his feet. He rushes at Cena who hits an STF. Rollins breaks immediately. Both men get up. Rollins hits an Enzuguri and goes top rope again. He hits a Frog Splash and covers — but Cena gets up and hits the AA to retain the title at 15:34. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: ***1/4. Great match — though Cena beating Rollins clean needs to stop immediately. Cena should be World Champ by now at this rate.
Cena celebrates after the match and runs back up the ramp. Rollins stays in the ring — when Kane appears on the Jumbotron. Kane tells him that a lot of competitors lining up to take his title…even guys from his worst nightmares. Rollins begs off until Kane’s pyro goes off. Kane pops up from the ring mat and drags Rollins to hell as we go off the air. This is so uber-ridiculous.
OVERALL: Mostly a DUD of a show besides the main event. The Divas Division and the Kane/Rollins angle seriously needs some work.
It’s the night where all WWE Championships are on the line and, tonight, we have a bit of a 2-for-1 as Seth Rollins will defend both his titles: the United States title against John Cena and the big WWE Title vs. Sting. Will the titles change hands tonight? Let’s find out…
We start with several of WWE’s top stars declaring what tonight means to them.
And we are LIVE(!!!) from Houston, Texas for WWE Night of Champions!!!
JBL, Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler are the guys on the mics while Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera man the Spanish Desk.
MATCH #1: Ryback (champion) vs. Kevin Owens (challenger) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship Ryback shoves Owens to the mat to start. Owens tries to fight back by Ryback shoulder tackles him. Owens fights Ryback in the corner again but it’s another shoulderblock and a HUGE Gorilla Press Slam over the top rope. Ryback taunts Owens, then chases but Owens quickly takes advantage and runs Ryback into the ringpost. Back in the ring, Owens works Ryback over in the corner with knees to the gut. Ryback fights back with chops but Owens kicks him in the face. Ryback’s elbow is injured but Owens doesn’t care and hits a Russian Legsweep for a one-count. He puts Ryback in an armbar and then drops his full weight on Ryback’s elbow. Ryback comes back on an Irish Whip and it’s a neckbreaker. Ryback hits shoulder tackles and a backbreaker. Ryback goes for a powerbomb but Owens counters with a back body drop. He runs at Ryback but it’s a Spinebuster for two. Ryback runs at Owens for a knee lift but Owens kicks Ryback in the stomach for two. Ryback hits a Meat Hook and then tries the Shell Shock but his elbow gives out. Owens hits an armbar after ramming Ryback into the ringpost but Ryback breaks it and puts Owens to the mat. Shell Shock again — but Owens rakes Ryback’s eyes and rolls him up to win the title at 9:34. WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Kevin Owens
RATING: **. Decent match to start things out but Owens didn’t look at all on his game and the cheap win isn’t exactly the right way to push him as a force to be reckoned with. I do hold out hope for WWE finally giving some legitimacy to the IC Title.
We get a plug for Brock Lesnar’s GO TO HELL TOUR which will culminate in a Hell in a Cell match against The Undertaker.
We take a look at the Rusev/Summer/Lana/Ziggler thing nobody really cares about.
Rusev won’t answer any questions backstage.
MATCH #2: Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev (w/ Summer Rae) Rusev lunges at Ziggler who ducks and wails on Rusev in the corner. A series of counters later and Ziggler rolls him up for two. Rusev gets back in. Ziggler tries to trip him but ends up in a clutch. Ziggler breaks it, then hits a dropkick. Sleeper goes nowhere and Rusev hits a Flying Spin Kick for two. Rusev stomps at him, then headbutts him. He hits a running elbow and Ziggler ends up outside. Rusev goes out side and rams Ziggler’s back into the barricade and then the mat. Back in the ring, Rusev slams Ziggler to the mat, then chokes him in the corner. Ziggler powers out of a Rusev move and hits an unbelievably physically impossible roll-up that actually gets a two-count. After kicking out, Rusev hits a slingshot. Crowd starts chanting for Lana and Rusev can’t stand it. He runs at Ziggler who dodges and rams Rusev’s head into the ringpost. Ziggler hits clotheslines and a splash, then drops an elbow, which only secures a one-count. Rusev comes back with a Spinebuster and he gets two. Another couple Ziggler roll-ups get two. He goes for a Fame-Asser but Rusev drops him on buckle. Rusev misses a follow-up and eats a Fame-Asser for a near-fall. Ziggler goes top ropes but Rusev trips him, then hits a Superkick for two. Rusev lunges at Ziggler who hits a Sleeper. He breaks it but Ziggler comes back with an IMMEDIATE DDT which NEARLY gets the fall. Both men get up with Rusev a bit wobbly. Ziggler tries the Superkick but Rusev dodges and Rusev hits one of his own, NEARLY getting a fall. Rusev thinks he’s won because, all of the sudden, he’s a fucking idiot. He gets angry at the ref after being told that wasn’t a win and goes for the Accolade — but Ziggler dodges and hits a Superkick! TWO COUNT. Summer gets up on the mat. Rusev tosses Ziggler into the ropes and that knocks Summer into the ring for some reason. The ref tosses her from the match. Summer removes a shoe, tosses it at the ref, who ducks. The shoe hits Rusev who has no idea what the hell that was about and he ends up in a Zigg Zagg, giving Ziggler the match at 13:46. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING: ***1/4. Would have been higher if not for the incredibly goofy, shitty finish.
Post-match, Summer sits in the aisle. Ziggler walks up to her, kisses her hand and goes backstage.
The New Day is out for their Tag Team Championship match and give an agonizing promo where they yell about “saving tables” which goes on and on and on and on…until the Dudley Boyz finally arrive.
MATCH #3: The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) (champions) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. The Dudley Boyz (D-Von & Bubba Ray) (challengers) for the WWE Tag Team Championship D-Von starts with Kofi. After a series of counters, Kofi hits a dropkick and the New Day taunts the Dudleys. Kofi locks up D-Von, then slaps him in the back of the head. D-Von clotheslines him and punches him in the corner. Tag to Bubba. They go for a double team but Kofi exits the ring and takes a breather as The New Day calls a “time-out” to re-group. Kofi gets back into the ring and tags E who grinds and thrusts his hips. E calls Bubba an “old man” and tells him to go home. Bubba shoves him. E gets up and hits a side headlock. Bubba hits a side suplex and tags D-Von. They drop a Double Elbow and it’s a one-count. E fights back and goes top rope but Bubba gets up and slaps him in the chest, then hits a Superplex for two. Kofi tags in but Bubba tosses him up and over. Woods gets on the mat, so Bubba puts him in the ring. Kofi kicks Bubba from behind and it’s a Mudhole Stomp while Woods plays ascending and descending notes on the trumpet to match it.
Irish Whip Dropkick hits Bubba hard and Kofi stomps away on the follow-up. E tags in and hits a Big Splash on the edge of the mat. He puts on a side headlock but Bubba breaks. E knocks him back down and Woods plays “Trying Hard” from Rocky. Bubba slaps Kofi in the chest, so Kofi kicks him in the chest. Kofi stomps at him and punches at him but Bubba comes back with a chest slap. Kofi goes top rope but Bubba counters with a Full Nelson Bomb. Tag to D-Von and he knocks Kofi down with some nice punches. Shoulder Tackle by Kofi, then he takes out E and Woods. Thesz Press and a headbutt and D-Von’s lined up for a corner splash which he hits. Running Clothesline and it’s time for a 3-D. E runs in and he gets a nceckbreaker. 3-D by the Dudleys to Kofi — but Woods runs in to ruin the fuck out of this at 9:55. WINNERS: The Dudley Boyz via DQ
STILL CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: **. So…a fuck finish. Ok. What are we saying here? That the New Day is weak? Because there’s no good way to spin that. The booking was “Fuck the Dudley Boyz”. That’s all well and good — but the Dudleys actually looked stronger than The New Day here.
Post-match, New Day celebrates — but E wants Woods to “get the tables”. D-Von and Bubba act like they’re completely dead from Woods hitting a single stomp on the back of Bubba, then spring to life, take out Kofi and E, and hit Woods with a 3-D through the table.
We go through Nikki’s Divas Championship reign.
MATCH #4: Charlotte (challenger) (w/ Paige & Becky Lynch) vs. Nikki Bella (champion) (w/ Brie Bella & Alicia Fox for the WWE Divas Championship (if Nikki loses by any means — including countout or DQ — she loses the title) Nikki bails from the ring and does jumping jacks. Then she does it again and does push-ups. Once back in, Charlotte attacks in the corner. Charlotte gets knocked out of the ring and appears to come up lame on the landing. Nikki hits a suplex. The fight spills outside. Nikki puts her to the mat, then goes into the ring and tells the ref to count. Charlotte gets back into the ring and Nikki gets two. Leglock by Nikki. Charlotte tries to break but Nikki runs the knee into the mat and poses. Charlotte breaks another attempt and hits a forearm but Nikki kicks her in the bad knee. Nikki works on Charlotte’s knee but Charlotte fights out. Suplex by Nikki and push-ups. Nikki continues her attack on the knee until Charlotte wraps her up for a pin. Nikki kicks out and MORE KNEE PERIL with a Half Crab. Charlotte breaks and kicks at Nikki and it’s another Half Crab. Nikki goes second rop and hits a punch to Charlotte’s face. Two count. Charlotte punches at Nikki but, whatever. Nikki knocks her down and it’s another two count. Nikki runs Charlotte’s knee around the ringpost, then hits a Figure Four with the ringpost helping out. Back in the ring, it’s a two-count and, goddammit, ANOTHER Half Crab! Charlotte goes for the bottom rope. Fox pulls the bottom rope. Nikki breaks and yells at them for doing that. Lynch and Paige attack Team Bella. Charlotte rolls her up for two. Charlotte hits a kneelift and Flair Chops. Big Boot to the face and it’s a two-count. The women try to Backslide each other but Nikki kicks Charlotte and hits a knee to her face for two. Nikki suplexes Charlotte’s knee into the buckle, then hits a corner clothesline. Nikki knees Charlotte in the gut. We get a weird botch of sorts and Nikki ends up pinning for a two count. Nikki goes second rope and jumps but Charlotte hits a weak Spear, then a Figure Eight to win the title at 12:41. WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Charlotte via #FIGUREEIGHTLOL
RATING: 1/4 of a *. Slow, glacial match which, I suppose, harkens back to the days of old when Flair would fight slow, methodical battles, but this was 97 percent Nikki and 3 percent Charlotte and smacked of Nikki getting all her licks in before finally losing it because Charlotte was booked to win. Just anti-climatic as hell. Title matches should NOT be this boring. And would it kill them to actually use the stipulation to create some suspense?!
Post-match, Lynch and Paige celebrate with Charlotte. Ric Flair enters the ring to celebrate with her.
JoJo has “Kevin Owen” (singular) backstage. Sheesh. Owens says his moment won’t be ruined. Ryback will be reading self-help books now.
We check back with the WWE News Desk who isn’t even good enough anymore to be positioned inside the arena.
We also recap the pre-show match which saw Stardust and The Ascension beating Neville and Lucha Dragons.
Backstage, Ric Flair hugs his daughter. Paige and Lynch are happy for her. The ladies wanna party and ask where the party’s at. They quote Ric’s party monologue and WOOOOOO!
We get the Wyatts/Reigns war reel.
The Wyatts come out first, then Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns…and their secret partner is…
…Chris goddamn Jericho. Wow. So intimidating. Was The Shockmaster busy? What a disappointment.
MATCH #5: The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper & Braun Strowman) vs. Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns & Chris Jericho Ambrose starts with Harper, Ambrose does the crazy fighting act, then hits a dropkick. Reigns tags in and hits a clothesline. Tag to Jericho who goes top rope with an axehandle. Flair chops and a Cross Body for a One Count. He goes for The Walls but Harper counters. Jericho hits an Enzuguri instead. Two count. Tag to Reigns. Harper’s had enough and it’s a tag to Strowman. Strowman takes Reigns’ shots. Reigns tags Ambrose and the two men just run into a brick wall on a charge. Braun tosses Jericho into them and, damn. Strowman gos outside and tosses Ambrose back in. Strowman hits an uppercut, then boots Ambrose in the head. Tag to Bray. Bray punches Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose fights back and hits a neckbreaker on the counter. Tag to Reigns. Harper in on the other side and he tries a Samoan Drop. Harper goes down on the second try, then hits a Sitting Powerbomb for two. Reigns hits ten clotheslines in the corner. The tenth shot is a mean uppercut.
Bray gets involved with the ref and Strowman grabs Reigns by the hair. Reigns uppercuts him but Harper Superkicks Reigns for two. Braun gets in and just slams Reigns to the mat. He tosses Reigns into the corner and it’s a tag to Harper who…rolls Reigns over and tags Bray who attacks Reigns outside with a Reverse Senton. Strowman gets tagged in. Ambrose attacks outside with a Sleeper but Braun dumps him into the timekeeper’s pit. Reigns gets back into the ring and tags Jericho who hits shoulderblocks on Bray. He dropkicks Strowman and bulldogs Bray. He goes for The Walls and hits it — but Luke Harper comes in and breaks it. Ambrose dumps Harper after a tag then tries Dirty Deeds after a failed Sister Abigail. The two clothesline one another. Tag to Strowman. Tag to Reigns. Go-time. Reigns hits two Superman Punches. Ambrose hits a Cross Body. Reigns hits a Spear on Strowman. He goes for another but Jericho tags himself in and hits a Lionsault. Two count. He tries a Codebreaker but Strowman reverses and hits the Over the Shoulder Facebuster and Lifting Arm Triangle Choke for the win at 13:04. WINNERS: The Wyatt Family
RATING: **1/2. Decent match but Jericho? Really? On top of that, he ends up being the one who loses? I sincerely hope this ends up being “tag partner by committee” culminating in booking a smarter partner.
Post-match, the Wyatts celebrate. Reigns and Ambrose check on Jericho…oh, I don’t like the looks of this. They appear as though they’re gonna kick his ass — but Jericho walks off, bumping into Ambrose on the way out.
Triple H and Steph wish Seth Rollins luck tonight. They say that Rollins is the only guy who can beat two future Hall of Famers in one night. Seth takes their words to heart. After he leaves, Sheamus arrives with the case and says “Yeah…good luck tonight.”
We get the whole Seth Rollins/Cena/Sting angle review.
MATCH #6: John Cena (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (champion) for the WWE United States Championship Seth’s in his white Power Ranger outfit again so we’re in for another big one, I guess. Cole acts like he’s starring in Sherlock and puts together some sort of conspiracy theory about Jon Stewart and the music he used during an awards show, so at least we have some continuity. Cena puts Seth in the corner but Seth hits a Flipping Neckbreaker for two. He runs Cena’s head into the buckle and then kicks at him. Sleeper by Rollins but SuperCena breaks it. Rollins puts Cena on the buckle for a Super Side Suplex but Cena elbows out, so Rollins climbs up on the opposite end and stomps his chest. Rollins with a mudhole stomp. The crowd starts doing The Wave because reasons and Seth points it out. Rollins splashes Cena in the corner and then celebrates doing just that. Rollins goes for the 5Ks but Cena gets up and hits moves #1 and #2. Rollins hits a neckbreaker but Cena comes back with Move #3. He goes for the 5KS but Rollins kicks him and Bulldogs him for two. Rollins goes for a Pedigree but it’s Move #3 again. 5KS goes nowhere again and Cena hits the Flipping Sunset Flip for two. Cena goes for an AA but Rollins ends up outside the ropes and kicks Cena to the mat. He goes top rope but Cena punches him. Cena goes for a Superplex. Rollins counters into a Buckle Bomb. Cena counters into a Frankensteiner into the buckle. The two men get up and trade shots. Cena goes for an AA. Rollins lands on his feet and kicks Cena in the jaw. Two count. Rollins knocks Cena outside, then hits a Suicide Senton outside. Rollins goes top rope after rolling Cena back in but misses the Frog Splash. Crowd chants “EDDIE” to show their fandom. Cena hits a Tornado DDT and NEARLY gets the win. Cena goes top rope but Rollins goes and grabs him for a Superplex, hitting it! Rollins IMMEDIATELY follows that with a Float Over Suplex and NEARLY gets the pin. Rollins goes to pick Cena up but Cena hits the STF. Rollins immediately gets to the ropes. A series of counters later and Rollins hits a Buckle Bomb for two. Rollins sets up the Pedigree. Cena back drops him but Rollins lands on his feet. Cena goes for a Cross Body. Rollins catches him but it’s a series of counters culminating in a Reverse Suplex by Cena. Top Rope Legdrop by Cena and an AA and Cena is the new United States Champion at 16:01. WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: ***1/2. Nice match. That fixes the ill-conceived Jon Stewart snafu.
Post-match, Cena celebrates. Rollins grabs his World Title and tries to leave. Cena stops him and tells him he has one more match against Sting. Rollins won’t listen so Cena hits an AA, then rolls him back into the ring and, ruh-roh…Rollins is barely awake. The ref tends to him. The crowd wants Sting — and we get Sting.
MATCH #7: Seth Rollins (champion) vs. Sting (challenger) for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Sting hits a Stinger Splash immediately. He goes for the Scorpion Deathlock but Rollins gets to the ropes. Rollins drops Sting’s chin on the ropes. Rollins tries a Cross Body but Sting gets the pin on a roll-through. Sting goes for the Scorpion Deathdrop but Rollins escapes. Sting dumps Rollins from the ring. Rollins has had it and goes for his title but Sting follows him and tosses him into the steel steps. Rollins tries to crawl backstage but Sting chases him and puts him back into the ring. Rollins fights back, kicking and stomping Sting in the corner. Sting reverses an Irish Whip and clotheslines Rollins out of the ring. Rollins goes for a monitor but Sting grabs him and tosses him into the barricade. Sting tosses Rollins into the barricade and rolls him into the ring again. Sting hits some punches and whips Rollins into two corners. Rollins rolls out of the ring. Sting chases and the two battle on the announce desk until Rollins shoves him into the Spanish Desk. Rollins grabs his title and goes to leave — then stops himself, walks back, drops the title and goes back to to Sting. He slams Sting on top of the table facade, then rolls Sting back in. Two count. Seth stomps Sting and taunts him. He hits a clothesline and it’s a two-count. Rollins splashes him in the corner, then hits a nice Driver for two. Rollins taunts him some more but Sting fights back. Rollins responds with a Buckle Bomb and gets two. Rollins goes for the Pedigree but Sting tosses him over the ropes. Rollins lands on his feet. Rollins goes for a Springboard move but Sting shoves him off into the barricade. Sting hits some chops back in the ring, then some clotheslines and Stinger Splashes. He clotheslines Rollins out of the ring again. Sting is going top rope and hits a Suicide Dive outside. Back in the ring, Sting hits the Scorpion Deathdrop but only gets two as Rollins gets his foot on the ropes. Sting calls for the Stinger Splash and hits it, then hits corner punches but Rollins counters with a Buckle Bomb. Rollins tries a clothesline but Sting ducks — then goes down in a heap. Sting gets to his feet but the ringside doctor is here to check on him. After shrugging the doctor off, Rollins goes for a Pedigree — but Sting hits the Scorpion Deathlock. Rollins breaks it with an Enzuguri and another Pedigree but Sting goes for another Deathlock. Rollins, however, rolls him — and retains?! Really?! WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Seth Rollins
RATING: **1/2. Just…no. Sting needs to retire with dignity. This ending was bullshit. He looked good but WWE’s treating him like shit and he doesn’t care because he’s sold out.
Post-match, Rollins celebrates — until Sheamus’s music hits. He comes in, hits a Brogue, and then goes to cash in. Kane’s music hits. Sheamus bails and Kane hits a Chokeslam on Rollins. Sheamus re-enters the ring and tells Kane to do another one. So Kane does — on Sheamus. Then he Tombstones Rollins and we finish the show with Kane standing tall. Oh, I can’t wait for three months of Kane and Rollins! Can you?!
OVERALL: Eh. Show was okay. The title matches were passable, at best, save for Cena/Rollins but Cena and Owens had better bouts so, really, there was nothing terribly exciting to write home about.
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials Directed by: Wes Ball
Written by: T.S. Nowlin
Starring: Dylan O’Brien, Kaya Scodelario, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Dexter Darden, Giancarlo Esposito, Alexander Flores, Aidan Gillen, Ki Hong Lee, Jacob Lofland, Barry Pepper, Rosa Salazar, Lili Taylor, Alan Tudyk, Patricia Clarkson
Based on the second novel in The Maze Runner series by James Dashner, The Scorch Trials picks up where the first film ended with the surviving Gladers being rescued and taken to a supposed rebel facility. Thomas (Dylan O’Brien) and his friends meet other kids who were also liberated from their own mazes and that eventually they were all going sent to a safe haven to begin a “new life.”
At first all seems well as they are given showers, new clothes, and hot food but Teresa (Kaya Scodelario) has been separated from the group and Thomas begins to wonder if something else is going on. Soon he discovers that the facility’s director, Janson (Game of Thrones’ Aidan Gillen), is not really whom he claims to be and the squad must run for their lives again. Taking their chances in the outside world of the Scorch, the teens must somehow survive the harsh desert conditions, the flesh eating Cranks (humans infected with a disease called the Flare, but just think zombies), and avoid the evil scientists and goons from the World in Catastrophe: Killzone Experiment Department (WCKD) tracking them down.
It’s an action-packed adventure as the Gladers believe that they are finally safe after leaving the maze, only to discover that the real world is a much harsher place with little hope left. While the movie brought some genuine thrill as Thomas and his friends escape one dangerous situation to the next, the frantic pace made it a little difficult to get heavily invested in the plot. Don’t get me wrong, you do feel bad for the protagonists who can’t seem to catch a break as they’ve become highly coveted science experiments, but with shows like The Walking Dead and Z Nation and films like The Hunger Games and the Divergent series, having an apocalyptic world is nothing new. We know that there’s some global catastrophic event that drastically changed life as we know it and there’s a villain justifying his/her actions for the greater good.
In this instance the main antagonist the head of WCKD, Dr. Ava Paige (Patricia Clarkson). Clarkson does a decent job portraying a scientist who has lost touch with her own humanity in the need to find an elusive cure for the Flare at any cost.
During The Maze Runner, our hero Thomas was forging relationships with his fellow Gladers, but now as the leader of their little group he is the voice of both hope and skepticism in their journey of survival. While the character doesn’t undergo significant development until the very end of the film, Thomas is likable and in some moments relatable as he navigates his way through various challenging scenarios. O’Brien plays the role of the loyal and determined youth trying to protect his friends well. He is most known for his role as Stiles Stilinski on MTV’s Teen Wolf and will next appear in the film Deepwater Horizon with Mark Wahlberg.
While I wish we learned more about what was going on in the real world, the film did provide some exciting scenes that made it enjoyable. My favorite being one where Thomas and another teen named Brenda (Rosa Salazar) were being chased by some extremely creepy looking Cranks through a crumbling labyrinth-like building. The intense sequence was well executed and both O’Brien and Salazar had me at the edge of my seat.
In addition, the film’s visual effects and sets were striking and the rest of the cast do a solid job with the material provided. It was particularly fun to see Giancarlo Esposito and Alan Tudyk interact on screen.
The Scorch Trials may not be the best book to movie adaptation ever it’s also not the worst. Fans of the genre won’t be disappointed, but you may want to watch The Maze Runner beforehand or read the books first.
Date: September 17, 2015
Location: Verizon Arena, Little Rock, Arkansas
Commentators: Booker T., Jerry Lawler, Rich Brennan
It’s the final show before Night of Champions 2015 and that likely means we’ll be focusing on the midcard matches. If the past few Smackdowns before pay per views are any indications, that means it’s likely going to be about Ambrose/Reigns vs. the Wyatts while they tease who the third man might be. Let’s get to it.
We open with a recap of Sting’s two matches on Monday, neither of which were important enough to announce more two and a half hours early.
Here’s Seth for his opening statement. When he defends the US Title this Sunday, he’s going to remind John Cena of what happened to him at Summerslam. Sting is going to get what’s coming to him on Sunday. As for Sheamus, tonight he and Rollins will team up to face Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose and Rollins will show Sheamus what happens to him if he tries to cash in.
This brings out Sheamus to ask if Seth sees him as a friend or an enemy. Rollins agrees with the fans’ chants of YOU LOOK STUPID but Sheamus demands that they respect the hawk. Sheamus says the exact same things he’s said for three weeks now and Rollins smirks it off. Nothing new here and I don’t buy the threat of a cash-in on Sunday. They do this every fall and it hasn’t happened in years.
Sasha Banks/Naomi vs. Paige/Becky Lynch
Becky hammers Naomi in the face to start and knocks her into the corner for the tag off to Banks. Sasha quickly fights back and slams Becky on the back of her head as we take an early break. Back with Becky in trouble in the corner as Banks jumps down onto her ribs. Naomi does the same before it’s back to Sasha for an abdominal stretch. Basic psychology here so far. Becky gets away and makes the tag off to Paige for her assortment of superkicks and knees to the face. Becky pulls Sasha off the apron but distracts her partner by mistake, allowing Naomi to small package Paige for the pin at 9:02.
Rating: C. The story continues to build to Paige turning on her teammates and blaming them for all of her troubles. This was a better match than most from the Divas because they were working on a body part instead of just doing all their spots. It’s the difference between having a match instead of having a collection of moves.
Stardust and the Ascension are ready for Neville and the Lucha Dragons on Sunday’s pre-show. Simple promo to build up a match.
Kofi Kingston vs. D-Von Dudley
The SAVE THE TABLES signs are back! Before the match, Xavier wants to talk about a special woman: Mother Nature. Big E.: “She’s a bad mother!” Woods: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” They have a petition on a clipboard (Woods: “That’s like a mini table!”) to save the tables and want the Dudleyz to sign right now. Kofi wants us to know that only we can prevent table poaching. D-Von isn’t interested in signing and beats Kofi down in the corner. Big E. pulls out a table but D-Von throws Woods inside. The distraction lets Kofi grab a rollup with tights for the pin at 1:17.
New Day runs off with the table.
We recap Dolph Ziggler giving Summer a present on Raw. Brennan says it was a pair of earrings, which wasn’t clear on Raw.
Recap of Nikki retaining the title via DQ on Monday, thereby breaking the record.
Team Bella is preparing for the Bellabration. They have 298 bottles of champagne ready for them. Nikki is proud that Kim and Kanye are coming but there needs to be some non-alcoholic drinks for Kim. Brie and Alicia don’t seem pleased with her demands.
We recap the showdown between Reigns/Ambrose and the Wyatts on Monday.
Big Show is on his way to the ring for a match when Miz hands him a notebook with something inside. Show looks at whatever is in there, gets annoyed, and throws the book away.
Cesaro vs. Big Show
Cesaro hits a pair of quick dropkicks to knock Show into the corner but Show chops him back down. Another chop is countered into an armbreaker over the ropes in a unique idea. Cesaro starts cranking the arm across his shoulder but Show throws him down to take over again. Show stands on the knee against the ropes as Booker talks about his Top Five. I’ve missed that thing, though I have no idea why. We hit a leg lock on Cesaro (think an ankle lock but with Show’s arms around the shin and knee instead of the ankle and foot) but he quickly rolls out.
The uppercuts in the corner stagger Show and a high cross body gets two. Another running uppercut to a kneeling Show gets the same and Cesaro tries the Crossface while Show is on his knees. Booker thinks it’s an abdominal stretch because he’s not very smart on commentary. The Neutralizer is countered as Cesaro flips out of a backdrop but he tweaks his knee on the landing. Show KO’s Cesaro for the pin at 5:54.
Rating: C+. I liked this more than I was expecting to but the ending hurts it a bit. I guess it’s time to make Big Show look good before he gets squashed by Brock Lesnar in Madison Square Garden because we’re supposed to forget Brock mauling him at the Royal Rumble last year. Oh and well done on making sure Cesaro’s push is stopped cold, because there was no one else that could do this job.
Renee Young, in a leather jacket, asks Ambrose and Reigns who their partner is on Sunday. Reigns says they have a partner but they can’t say because they know Bray will be on him. Whoever it is, it was Dean’s idea. They’re ready to get momentum tonight before going to war on Sunday.
Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler attacks with right hands to start but eats a big forearm to the face. Kevin avoids a dropkick and hits his backsplash for two. It’s already time for the trash talking, followed by countering Dolph’s running DDT into a regular one. We take a break and come back with Ziggler sidestepping a charge to send Owens into the post. A bunch of clotheslines set up the big elbow for two on Owens as they’re not exactly doing anything beyond basics here.
Now the running DDT gets two more and Owens stumbles out to the floor. Ziggler tries to slide to the floor after him but gets caught in a fall away slam into the barricade. Owens throws him into the timekeeper’s area for a nine count with Ziggler diving in before ten. Kevin superkicks him back to the floor and loads up the apron bomb but here’s Ryback for the DQ at 11:07.
Rating: D+. I was bored for the most part here and the ending didn’t help things. They were just doing the basics here and that’s not really enough to get me interested in a match. I’m glad to see Owens win again though while Ziggler doesn’t get pinned, proving that you can protect both guys and not have them limping into their pay per view matches. Good booking to a lame match.
No one has shown up to the Bellabration.
Connor’s Cure video.
Nikki tries to have the Bellabration but no one has shown up. Brie and Fox go off to fix it when Team PCB comes in. Charlotte talks some smack but the three leave without doing anything. Adam Rose, now in glasses, comes in and rips on the party. Nikki throws her cake and hits Brie and Fox. This was even less entertaining than it sounds.
Summer comes up to a tired Dolph and asks about the earrings. He tells her that sometimes a rose is just a rose, but sometimes it means more. Summer is confused.
Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus/Seth Rollins
Rollins and Ambrose get things going but do nothing before Sheamus gets the tag. We have to wait some more though as Sheamus rolls outside to yell at the fans for calling him stupid. He’s very sensitive you see. Dean finally gets to punch Sheamus a few times before it’s off to Roman for more of the same. Reigns sends Rollins to the floor and the Shield guys stand tall as we take a break.
Back with Seth holding Ambrose in a chinlock, followed by a belly to back suplex backbreaker for two. Sheamus comes in for a suplex into a slam and a lot of trash talking. It’s back to Seth for a lot of stomping as Seth and Sheamus don’t seem thrilled with tagging in and out. Off to an Irish chinlock until Dean fights up and takes Sheamus to the floor with a hurricanrana. The hot tag brings in Reigns to clean house and it’s time for all those clotheslines. Seth escapes a powerslam but his low superkick is countered into a rollup.
That’s not enough for Reigns as he lifts Seth up into a powerbomb The threat of a Superman Punch sends Seth to the apron but he comes back in with a chop block and the low superkick. Sheamus reaches out for a tag but drops down to the floor instead. Seth grabs the briefcase but tags Sheamus in anyway. Sheamus takes the case right back, only to eat the suicide dive from Ambrose. Back in and the Superman punch and Dirty Deeds give Ambrose the pin at 16:51.
Rating: C. This was your standard main event tag as they continue to try to build up towards the six man on Sunday. It should be interesting to see who the partner is, but I have a bad feeling it’s going to be Kane, because we need more Kane in our lives you see. Not a bad match though and Sheamus vs. Rollins is an interesting tease, though I don’t think it’s going anywhere.
Post match a Wyatt video pops up showing the destruction of Orton and Jimmy Uso. Bray and company come on screen to ask who would be foolish enough to join the fight on Sunday. Not that it matters as they will all fall down.
Overall Rating: C. Well let’s see. The promos were mediocre. The wrestling was mediocre. The build to Sunday was mediocre. What else can I do here other than call it an average show? It’s the standard Smackdown: it’s a decent enough way to kill two hours but you wouldn’t miss a thing if you didn’t see it. I’ve never been one to say that Smackdown should be canceled, but if this is all they can do with it, there’s no need to have Smackdown around.
Results
Sasha Banks/Naomi b. Paige/Becky Lynch – Small package to Paige
Kofi Kingston b. D-Von Dudley – Rollup with a handful of tights
Big Show b. Cesaro – KO Punch
Kevin Owens b. Dolph Ziggler via DQ when Ryback interfered
Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose b. Sheamus/Seth Rollins – Dirty Deeds to Sheamus
Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:
Have a look at the official first images from Marvel and Netflix’s Jessica Jones starring Krysten Ritter (Jessica Jones), Mike Colter (Luke Cage), David Tennant (Kilgrave), Carrie-Anne Moss, and Rachael Taylor (Trish Walker).
Carrie-Anne Moss and Krysten Ritter (Source: Marvel/Facebook)David Tennant as Kilgrave (Source: Marvel/Facebook)Mike Colter as Luke Cage (Source: Marvel/Facebook)Krysten Ritter as Jessica Jones and Rachael Taylor as Trish Walker (Source: Marvel/Facebook)
Official synopsis:
After a tragic ending to her short-lived super hero stint, Jessica Jones is rebuilding her personal life and career as a detective who gets pulled into cases involving people with extraordinary abilities in New York City.
The series stars Krysten Ritter as Jessica Jones, David Tennant as Kilgrave, Mike Colter as Luke Cage, Rachael Taylor as Patricia “Trish” Walker, and Carrie-Anne Moss. “Marvel’s Jessica Jones”is Executive Produced by series Showrunner Melissa Rosenberg (“Twilight”, “Dexter”) and Liz Friedman (“Elementary”), along with Jeph Loeb (“Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” “Smallville,” “Heroes”), who also serves as Marvel’s Head of Television.
“Marvel’s Jessica Jones” is produced by Marvel Television in association with ABC Studios for Netflix.
Marvel also recently announced that the cast of Jessica Jones will be at this year’s New York Comic-Con along with Daredevil, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, and Agent Carter.
Marvel Television Presents: Agents of Primetime Friday, October 9 – 6:00 PM – 7:15 PM Jeph Loeb (Marvel’s Head of Television) returns with exciting news about your favorite Marvel agents on ABC! Be the first to see an all-new episode of “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” before it airs on ABC and find out what’s ahead for Peggy and Jarvis in the upcoming season of “Marvel’s Agent Carter”!
The Netflix Original Series “Marvel’s Jessica Jones” and “Marvel’s Daredevil” Saturday, October 10 – 5:00 PM – 6:45 PM Join the cast of the new Netflix original series, “Marvel’s Jessica Jones,” in their first-ever appearance, as they answer questions and reveal secrets from the hotly-anticipated show debuting on Netflix later this year and celebrate some of the greatest moments from Season 1 of “Marvel’s Daredevil.” Moderated by Jeph Loeb (Marvel’s Head of Television), this panel promises to be one you won’t want to miss!
Jessica Jones will be released on Netflix this coming November 20, 2015.
DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 2101" (ABC/Adam Taylor)
What do you do when you are starting Season 21 of the most epic dance-contest show of all-time, and you don’t have your arguably best / grumpiest / most legendary judge Len Goodman on the panel? Well, you make sure that your Dancing With the Stars cast is chock full of oddballs, whack-a-doodles, and people who say things that “make you go Hmmmmm.” Leave it to this show to do just that, as we begin this next, what promises to be, great season of dance and fun. Host Tom Bergeron is back and wittier than ever, along with his sidekick Erin Andrews, and the judges panel of crazy Bruno Tonioli, overly sexual Carrie Anne Anaba, and former pro-dancer Julianne Hough. Len is apparently out of the country this season, although I think that’s a lie and he’s just taking an extended nap. Either way, this will be a very challenging season without him. Honestly, I miss him and his grumpy comments already. But let us begin by introducing this years cast, along with their first dances on the show. Here we go, folks!
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Victor Espinoza / Karina Smirnoff: He is the Triple Crown Winner jockey and she is the sexy pro dancer and former champ. She is really tall. He is really short. Let the comedy begin. Their dance felt a tad on the creepy side, with her bending over and him lightly smacking her butt. He was dressed as himself as a jockey, and the comments from the judges were extremely weird and focused on his height. Julianne said: “Good things come in small packages!” Awk-ward, and …ew. Bruno talked about grinding, then realized he was having a flashback from his weekend sex romp. Horny Carrie Anne, whose boobs were on display in a quite revealing dress, called him “adorable” and “tiny.” Then, when he went backstage for the post-dance interview, they made him stand on this stool/platform thing so he would look taller. Jesus, way to make the guy feel COMPLETELY insecure about his lack of height, people! Even his scores were small, at 5/5/5.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Tamar Braxton / Val Chmerkovskiy: She is the co-host of some show called “The Real”, and yes, that’s really what it’s called. Val is last season’s champion. They did the Quickstep, and the judges loved it. Her personality kind of annoyed me, and her voice sounds like she is eating cigarettes as she talks. However, the dance blew Horny Carrie Ann away. Im sure it did. Backstage, Erin asked Tamar a question, and she went off on this monologue where I have no clue what the hell she was talking about. I think she is still talking. Scores were 8/7/8.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Chaka Khan / Keo Motsepe: She is 10-time Grammy winning epic singer, and often called the “Queen of Funk.” He was named Prince of his country, so they were referring to themselves as Royalty together during their first meetup. Their cha-cha was to Chaka’s song “I Feel for You”, and even though she lost her footing and forgot steps a couple of times, her movement was pretty damn good and she was filled with energy. I enjoyed it, but the judges gave her fives all around, which I thought was a tad bit harsh. Her ginormous and perfectly shaped and packaged breasts should have received all tens.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Hayes Grier / Emma Slater: Ummm, who the hell is this kid? If you’re old like me, you have no idea. Then they told me and I STILL have no idea why he would be considered a “star”, but what do I know? Apparently, he is a social media celebrity, with his claim to fame being making viral “Vine” videos. Really? So now this show is casting people from VINE videos? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He is 15 and I think they said the youngest contestant ever. They did the Cha-cha to some weird-ass song that was horrible. Their plot was even more cheesy, her playing a cheerleader and him being some high school kid at his locker flirting with her or something. Bruno told him his “musicality is so natural.” Horny Carrie Ann creepily said: “If I was 30 years younger, I’d still be a cougar! Sorry. I’m not trying to weird you out.” Umm … yes, you are! Stop it, ya creep! Scores were 7/7/7.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Andy Grammer / Allison Holker: He is a singer / songwriter, most known for the song “Honey I’m Good.” His mom died and she loved dance, so he wanted to do the show in her honor. No clue who he is, due to my apparent oldness, but he seems like a sweet dude. Their Foxtrot song was an odd choice after he talked about how this was for his mom: Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”. Um, okay. Bruno said something about it being “poppy! Pop pop pop!” What on earth are you talking about? He Stood up and moved his hands all about while making his comment, but he wasn’t annoying the crap out of Len, who is usually sitting next to him while he is flailing about, so It made me miss Len again. Scores were 7/7/7.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Paula Deen / Louis Van Amstel: Oh, why oh why couldn’t they have put racist Paula Deen with the one African-American pro-dancer in the cast? Why do the comedy Gods hate me? I wanted her to be partnered with the black man, and then just wait for the epic and awkward comments to take place. But that isn’t going to happen. However, she IS still making weird comments. She is just a weird individual. The first thing she said upon meeting her dance partner was: “Come here and put your head on mommy’s bosom.” Then she grabbed his head and shoved it there and laughed. His response was: “Oh, its nice and soft.” And then I threw up so I didn’t hear the rest. During their rehearsals, she burped loudly and laughed again. Their dance was supposed to be a Quickstep, but there was nothing quick about it. She looked like she was being forcibly dragged across the dance floor at a snail’s pace. When it was over, she told Tom Bergeron in her most southern voice: “I was sooo scared. I started with white underwear but they probably ain’t white no more!” GROSS!!!! Bergeron made the most epic “eeeww!!”face of all-time, as he slowly backed away from her and her soiled underparts. Their scores were low at 5/5/5.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Carlos PenaVega / Witney Carson: So, the next two contestants / stars are married to one another, and its the first time the show has featured a married couple in the same season, competing against one another. So Carlos is from the boy band called Midtown Rush, and you guessed it, I’ve never heard of him. He was a good dancer though. HIs feet moved really well and he was fast. He has a dumb hairstyle. Julianne said “You looked like a man”, whatever that means. Bruno said “I want to see the DEVIL inside of you! Blow the gasket on that engine! Yes!!!!” Nobody comprehended. Scores were 8/8/7.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Alexa PenaVega / Mark Ballis: So, she is an actress from the show “Spy Kids”, and also married to Carlos. No clue who she is either. She can also dance well. Bruno yelled about “hot and sexy Latina, the way I like it!” Julianne thought their Jive had great content quality. Scores were 7/7/8.
Kim Zolciak-Biermann / Tony Dovoloni: She is on one of the many “Real Housewives of” wherever the Hell they are from, shows, that I don’t watch or care about. She is on the Atlanta one, but it doesn’t matter. This chick cries a lot. She has already cried 3 or 4 times in episode one. During rehearsal, after the scores, during scores. And she brings her huge fake nails over to her eyeballs to wipe the tears and practically scratches her cornea out each time. Their dance was like slow motion walking. It looked like Tony dragged her out of her bedroom from a deep sleep and she had just taken 5 or 6 Ambien. I’m told it was a Salsa, but it looked more like The Walking Dead. Bruno said: “This dance could be grounds for divorce. Youve got all this to work with, yet you do nothing with it.” OUCH! The low scores of 4/4/4 brought on more tears.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Bindi Irwin / Derek Hough: If Kim is the poster child for Ambien, than Bindi is the poster child for TOO MUCH COFFEE!!! Holy crap is this girl hyper. Someone needs to calm her down and make her sit down and meditate or take a breath or something. I’m exhausted just watching her over-smile and laugh and talk at warped speed. Sweet girl, but wow. Don’t give her any more caffeine. That being said, as the daughter of the late Steve Irwin, and an animal activist herself, she is actually a VERY good dancer. She was surprisingly one of the highlights of the night, and very natural. Julianne called it the best performance of the night, while Bruno dubbed her “the wonder from down under.” Scores were 8/8/8.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Gary Busey / Anna Trebunksaya: Well, this was what everyone has been waiting for, and Gary did not disappoint on his first night on the dance floor. Oh, I’m not talking about his dancing. Who cares about THAT? I’m talking about the words and thoughts that come out of his mouth, because you NEVER know what it will be, which is why his reality show was so popular, and probably why they put him in this cast. Also, he is a pretty famous actor in his own right, and also went through major brain surgery, so his thoughts are a bit all over the place sometimes and you just have to kind of “go with it”. A bit of an honest and heartwarming exchange took place between him and pro partner Anna when he asked her: “Am I slow?” and she replied honestly: “No. You are learning a brand new language.” His eyes lit up and he said: “What a wonderful perspective to have on this!” Their dance was … well …. strange. Not sure how else to describe it. But the dance was nothing in strangeness compared to the dialogue between him and Tom Bergeron right afterwards. That was epic:
Tom: So how did that feel, Gary:
Gary: Well I was dancing, it was wonderful, I danced in the cosmos of riddles , and nothing means anything to me if I have to think about it. This lady here, this to Russia with Love, Anna, sculpted me into what I am today, dancing.
Tom: I’m gonna get all of this read back to me later on, so I can really savor it.
Gary: When I’m talking to you, Tom, your left eye is spinning. It’s spinning. That is really neat!
Tom: …. Well, that and my career!
Gary: Good talkin’ to you, Tom. (goes to center of ball room and takes epic , long bow to audience. This guy is going to be a trip.)
Backstage, scores were low at 5/5/5, to which Gary said: “15. That equals 6, and 6 is the double trinity. ” WHAT???? Can someone please interpret for me? I’m dying to know what the hell that means. I feel like it could be the key to the meaning of life.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Alek Skarlatos / Lindsay Arnold: Okay, so this guy , and 2 other men, were on a train with terrorists, and they saved the passengers on the train from the terrorists. I don’t know the whole story, so I will need to look this up, but this guy seems like a cool person just generally speaking. They did a Foxtrot, and he was surprisingly a good dancer. Carrie Ann called him one of the best dances of the night, and his scores were 8/7/7.
DANCING WITH THE STARS – “Episode 2101” (ABC/Adam Taylor)
Nick Carter / Sharna Burgess: He is from the boy band “The Backstreet Boys”, which he has been part of for over two decades. THAT makes me feel older than old. His pro partner Sharna is a fan, and used to have posters of him on her bedroom walls as a teenager. How weird. She was blushing all over the place to be partnered with him. Their dance was super fun. Julianne was all horned up too, as apparently Nick was on HER wall too, as a teen. Bruno also looked quite excited, and I’m sure that Len was home napping the whole time. I miss him. Scores were 8/8/8.
NEXT WEEK: The first couple gets eliminated. Bindi drinks coffee through an IV. Gary Busey tells Bergeron that his earlobe is turning. Paula Deen poops her pants during the Cha-cha. Gary reveals that 5 plus 5 equals 14, and that is the Holy Grail of Cheese.
Date: September 16, 2015
Location: Full Sail University, Winter Park, Florida
Commentators: Corey Graves, Rich Brennan, Byron Saxton
The Dusty Classic continues tonight as we have three weeks to go before Takeover: Respect. So far there isn’t much officially announced for the show but that is likely to change tonight with the main event being set up on this show. I’m sure we’ll also get some more tournament matches, including a few that might have taken place outside of Full Sail. Let’s get to it.
Opening sequence.
Tyler Breeze vs. Adam Rose
This is the debut of Adam’s new party pooper character where he wears glasses and shorts. Before the match can start, Bull Dempsey comes out with the fans getting behind the Bull Fit movement. Dempsey lays on the top rope ala Breeze and says this is no accident. Breeze thinks last week’s loss was an accident, just like the day that Bull was born. Tyler would be glad to beat up Bull right now but he has a match first. Dempsey asks Rose to step aside but beats him up instead. Breeze’s blind side attack doesn’t work and Bull clears the ring. No match.
After a break, Breeze accepts Bull’s challenge for a match next week.
Tye Dillinger vs. Danny Burch
Burch had been going by the name Martin Stone but the announcers are going with Burch here. Dillinger gives his early wristlock and cartwheel a ten so Danny grabs a top wristlock. Tye easily escapes and takes his pads down for a one knee Codebreaker and the pin at 3:15.
Rating: D+. Dillinger has a great idea with the perfect ten thing but he needs to be able to talk about it instead of just holing up a ten over and over. It’s cool to see him win a match like this though and the fans are way into the new character. Burch is a good example of what you can have when jobbers are allowed to be kept around. He’s been built up just enough that it’s not a total squash but he has no chance. That’s important to have.
Rhyno and Baron Corbin are ready for Ciampa and Gargano tonight.
Asuka (Kanna) is here next week.
Apollo Crews vs. Solomon Crowe
They shake hands to start and Crews takes him down with a headlock. Back up and Apollo offers another handshake but Crowe kicks the hand away. Crews takes him down with a big suplex and Solomon takes a breather on the floor. He catches Crews’ baseball slide and ties him up in the ring skirt to take over.
Back in and Crowe drives his forearm into the side of Crews’ head, followed by a clothesline for two. Crowe is finally starting to get something going for himself with this style but it’s too late for him. A jawbreaker stuns Solomon and Apollo starts speeding things up. An enziguri sets up the gorilla press and standing moonsault to give Crews the pin at 4:52.
Rating: C. Not bad here but Crowe needs to either have something changed or get rid of him because this character has been a wreck. He has something with the in ring style but it’s not working elsewhere. I wanted to see where he could take the hacker thing but that’s gone nowhere.
Ciampa and Gargano are ready for Corbin and Rhyno tonight.
Dana Brooke and Emma are tired of being disrespected and think it’s time to shake things up for a change. Play time is over.
Sasha Banks arrives.
We get some highlights of the first round of the Dusty Classic and a few second round matches announced, including the Hype Bros vs. Chad Gable/Jason Jordan and Scott Dawson/Dash Wilder vs. the Vaudevillains.
Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic Second Round: Rhyno/Baron Corbin vs. Tommaso Ciampa/Johnny Gargano
Gargano and Rhyno get things going but it’s off to Ciampa before there’s any contact. Ciampa runs the ropes and scores with a quick clothesline but the fans are busy arguing over whether or not they want Corbin. Baron comes in but gets low bridged to the floor, allowing Johnny to suicide dive both opponents. Ciampa’s top rope cross body puts both guys down again as this is completely one sided.
Back in and Rhyno clotheslines Ciampa down to take over and Baron comes in with a big swinging Boss Man Slam. We take a break and come back with Baron choking with a boot. Rhyno and Corbin take turns on Ciampa until Rhyno charges into a boot in the corner. Ciampa scores with a missile dropkick and it’s a double tag to Gargano and Corbin. Johnny starts cleaning house and everything breaks down until End of Days puts Gargano away at 11:06.
Rating: C+. This was fun stuff and more proof that Baron can hang in a longer match instead of just doing a quick squash. Rhyno and Corbin are a good choice for a power team and Rhyno is the kind of guy who can teach Baron a lot in the ring. Good match here though and that’s a good sign as we’re getting closer to the finals.
The Vaudevillains are looking forward to Wilder and Dawson next week in the Dusty Classic but Blake/Murphy/Bliss come in and invoke their rematch clause for next week.
Bayley vs. Sarah Dobson
Non-title and Bayley runs through the crowd before the match, including bringing her biggest fan Izzy into the ring to pose with her. There is no way this can’t be considered cool. Dobson hammers away to start and cartwheels into a kick to the back of the head for an early two. A guillotine choke has Bayley in trouble but she drives Dobson into the corner to break it up. The ax handles to the chest set up the Bayley to Belly for the pin at 2:29. I’m getting a Ricky Steamboat vibe off Bayley: as pure of a face as there can and she takes a beating before making a comeback to win with a basic move. That’s a very good path to follow.
Bayley gets the mic but Sasha Banks cuts her off. Sasha has been hearing about how their title match was the match of the year and the fans seem to agree. However, that’s not good enough for Sasha. She’s not here to please the fans because Bayley was only better than her for three seconds.
Bayley wants to start her own legacy and has no problem giving Sasha her rematch whenever she wants one. That’s not what Sasha wants though because she wants to beat Bayley over and over. Fans: “IRON WOMAN!” Cue Regal to give the fans exactly what they want in the main event of Takeover on October 7 in a thirty minute Iron Man match. Bayley and Sasha look a bit nervous but shake hands to end the show.
Overall Rating: B. Now that’s how you use an hour of TV time. We have a main event for Takeover, a title match set for next week and advancement in the tournament. The fans ate up that announcement at the end and it’s another step forward for the women. Good show here and I had a lot of fun with it.
Results
Tye Dillinger b. Danny Burch – One knee Codebreaker
Apollo Crews b. Solomon Crowe – Standing moonsault
Baron Corbin/Rhyno b. Tommaso Ciampa/Johnny Gargano – End of Days to Gargano
Bayley b. Sarah Dobson – Bayley to Belly
Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:
Season 5, Episode 3: Jenna in Wonderland Air Date: September 14, 2015
This week on Awkward: PHHS’s social hierarchy is turned on its head as Jenna is suddenly popular, and Matty McKibben is the uncoolest of cool.
“Jenna in Wonderland” begins as Jenna looks at all the pictures people are posting from the blackout party, which she never got a chance to attend. Everyone’s comments about how awesome her party was just makes her more depressed about her absence. She needs something to cheer her up ASAP. Good thing there are cupcakes in the kitchen waiting to make her feel better. Unfortunately, these penis cupcakes were reserved solely the sex toy party Lacey will be hosting later that night and are off limits to Jenna.
At school, while Tamara is showing Jenna her extensive pinterest board for her fake pending nuptials, the weirdest thing starts to happen. Students are actually noticing Jenna and even saying hi, even Troy Bangworthy! (I am not sure if his last name is Bangworthy or Langworthy, they do not make that clear. Also, are we supposed to know this guy?). Anyway, they can’t figure out why everyone is so post party partial to Jenna, especially because she was only at the party for half a second? T finally realizes that Jenna is now LEGIT popular! So popular the even the Julies want to take a selfie with her! Jenna finds a way to screw the selfie up by awkwardly blowing away some hair mid snap, but it is all good because she is legit popular now. The Julies diagnose Jenna with spaz face, and tell her to fix it by lunch for a reshoot.
Jenna’s popularity continues to soar when at lunch the Julie’s invite her on a triple date with some college guys. Jenna tries to make it a quadruple date by inviting Tamara along but T politely declines stating that it would be completely inappropriate to go on a quadruple date. She is an engaged woman, for goodness sakes! Jenna gets distracted when she sees Matty McKibben unable to sit at anyone’s lunch table. Matty has no recollection of the blackout party. He doesn’t remember anything about that afternoon including his screaming out “I am Matty Fucking McKibben” during his fight with Jake. To make things worse, the video of this incident has gone viral, and the whole school is watching it on repeat. Jenna lays the hard truth on him– the burnt slice of pizza he was served, being ignored in the hallways, being picked last in gym– these are telltale signs of being a loser. Matty McKibben is officially unpopular. Jenna apologizes for not telling Matty about Jake and Gabby sooner, and starts to ramble on about how trying to navigate the choppy waters of being exes, and friends, and friends with benefits is really confusing. Matty just smirks at Jenna and says “so you have been thinking about it?” Aw, Matty is just so adorable. He is truly upset about how he acted at the party, and really feels like shit about it.
After lunch, creepy Kyle and his redheaded friend Leeroy approach Matty and offer to teach the ways of the unpopulars. First step, obtaining food. To insure adequate sustenance as an unpopular, be sure to go to the Home Ec. to garbage dive for food as their trash contains the least tainted items. Next, Kyle shows Matty the bathroom of the unpopulars, which is just a bucket located in the utility bang closet. Third stop on the tour, the science lab. Here Kyle introduces McKibben to some dead arachnids preserved in formaldehyde, which Kyle says will soon be his new friends.
Matty thanks Leeroy and Kyle for the insightful tour and peaces the fuck out, to apologize to Jake for his drunken outburst. I actually think that Matty does a pretty good job of apologizing. Jake on the other hand is true to form in being a douche bag and rejects the apology. He tells Matty that being drunk is no excuse because when people are drunk, they speak the truth. No Jake, when people are drunk they lack a filter and do stupid things, which is not the same thing as speaking the truth. Jake jumps into his red convertible and drives into the sunset with Gabby who are now officially an item. Jake really needs to get off of his high horse. He confronted Matty about sleeping with his girlfriend, and keeping it a secret, while Matty was wasted off his ass. Did Jake expect Matty to just go “Oh, no big deal man, let’s hug it out.”
Over at the Hamilton house, every article of clothing Jenna owns is strewn across her bed as she tries to piece together a suitable outfit for her triple date. Luckily she has her own personal stylist for an occasion just like this, and calls to her mom for help. Lacey, who has been waiting for this moment since Jenna was born, races to her daughter’s aid. Jenna starts to freak out, via an internal monologue, about how if she can’t even pick the right clothes to hang out with the popular kids, how will she be able to act the right way when she is around them. Lacey calms her down by saying that she is a beautiful person on the inside, and on the outside she has a great rack, so she should wear a sparkly shirt to make those babies pop.
This date is actually the epitome of lame. They go to lookout point where the college bros drink brewskis and talk football while the Julies take selfies. After the Julies spend an hour taking selfies, it is time for the makeout session, and Jenna wants no part of it. Jenna’s douchebag bro says to her “Hello! Earth to Jenine, I think we’re supposed to be making out.”
Smooth college bro, real smooth. After the Julies tell Jenna that she is embarrassing them by not giving college bro a handy, she realizes that the high school social ladder and popularity as a whole is a huge farce. She calls for an uber to meet up with Tamara. There is no place that she would rather be than planning a fake wedding with her best friend while eating some greasy pizza. She texts Matty to join her, but Matty is busy. He is rocking out with his new buds Leeroy and Kyle, embracing his new lot in life.
The theme of tonight’s episode felt a little too heavy handed. Jenna’s epiphony about the value of popularity felt too on the nose. I mean hasn’t the entire series been about this? Why did they feel the need to take the theme of the entire series and make a thirty minute after school episode about it?
In Sadie News
Sadie is super pumped this week because she gets to attend the freakshow that will be her aunt’s drunken sex toy party. Since Ally will only let battery operated man parts in her party, Sadie will have to bring Lissa for company. And truthfully, that is her entire storyline. She sits there and watches her aunt’s drunk friends play with sex toys and helps Lissa’s mom “loosen up.”
Sadie Quote of the Week: (because Val is MIA)
Sadie: When God made your mommy, he put a stick way up her ass.
Disney has taken to making live-action versions of all of its classics and The Jungle Book is the next rung on Disney’s ladder. You know the story, Mowgli is a man-cub who is raised by wolves, befriended by bears, and hated by tigers. This tiger, Shere Khan, shows up with “scars of Man” and then tries to oust Mowgli from the jungle he calls home. Along the way, Mowgli runs into a manipulative snake and an incredibly terrifying orangutan.
Judging from the trailer, Disney put a lot of work into the CGI to make the animals look as realistic and awe-inspiring as possible, and for the majority of the trailer it looks similar to the 90’s live-action rendition, until the very end, which is sure to get some fans excited.
The Jungle Book stars Neel Sethi as Mowgli and boasts voice-acting talents from the likes of Idris Elba, Bill Murray, Lupita Nyong’o, Ben Kingsley, Scarlett Johansson, and Christoper Walken.
