Do you love saving money? Sure! We all do! This week Microsoft kicks off their Xbox Ultimate Games Sale for Xbox One and Xbox 360. It will run between July 7 and July 13 with discounts up to 60% off for Gold members. Discounted games include:
Xbox One
•Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: China – 50% off
•Battlefield Hardline Standard Edition – 40% off
•Battlefield Hardline Deluxe Edition 40% off
•Borderlands: The Handsome Collection – 40% off
•Diablo III: Reaper Of Souls – Ultimate Evil Edition – 50% off
•Dragon Age: Inquisition – Jaws of Hakkon – 33% off
•Dragon Age: Inquisition – 50% off
•Dragon Age: Inquisition Deluxe Edition – 50% off
•Dying Light – 30% off
•Dying Light Ultimate Edition – 30% off
•Far Cry 4 – 60% off
•Far Cry 4 Gold Edition – 60% off
•Game of Thrones – Season Pass (Episodes 2-6) – 40% off
•Game of Thrones – The Complete First Season (Episodes 1-6) – 50% off
•Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions Evolved – 50% off
•Goat Simulator – 33% off
•Grand Theft Auto V & Great White Shark Cash Card – 25% off
•Halo: The Master Chief Collection – 40% off
•Killer Instinct Complete Collection – 60% off
•Killer Instinct: Season 2 Ultra Edition – 40% off
•Lara Croft and the Temple Of Osiris – 60% off
•Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham Deluxe Edition – 75% off
•Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor – 50% off
•Mortal Kombat X – 25% off
•Mortal Kombat X Premium Edition – 25% off
•Need For Speed Rivals: Complete Edition – 50% off
•Ori and the Blind Forest – 25% off
•Outlast: Bundle of Terror – 50% off
•Screamride – 50% off
•Saints Row IV:Re-elected & Gat Out of Hell – 60% off
•Sleeping Dogs Definitive Edition – 50% off
•Slender: The Arrival – 50% off
•Sniper Elite 3 Ultimate Edition – 50% off
•State of Decay: Year One Survival Edition – 33% off
•Tales From the Borderlands – Season Pass (Episodes 2-6) – 40% off
•Tales From the Borderlands Complete Season (Episodes 1-5) – 50% off
•Terraria – 60% off
•The Legend Of Korra – 50% off
•The Telltale Games Collection – 50% off
•The Walking Dead: Season 1 and Season 2 Bundle – 50% off
•The Walking Dead: The Complete First Season – 50% off
•The Walking Dead: Season 2 – 50% off
•Titanfall Deluxe Edition – 60% off
•Watch Dogs – 50% off
•White Night – 50% off
•Wolfenstein Bundle – 45% off
•WWE 2K15 – 50% off
•WWE 2K15 Digital Deluxe Edition – 50% off
Xbox 360
•Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood – 50% off
•Assassin’s Creed III – 50% off
•Assassin’s Creed Revelations – 50% off
•Crysis 3 – 75% off
•Dead Rising 2 – 80% off
•Destiny – 67% off
•Dragon Age 2 – 80% off
•Dragon Age: Origins – 75% off
•F1 2014 – 60% off
•Fable Trilogy – 75% off
•Far Cry 4 – 60% off
•Game of Thrones: Season 1 – Season Pass – 40% off
•Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions Evolved – 50% off
•Goat Simulator – 50% off
•Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas – 75% off
•Grand Theft Auto IV: 80% off
•Injustice: Gods Among Us – 75% off
•Legend of Korra – 50% off
•Mass Effect – 80% off
•Monopoly Plus – 50% off
•Mortal Kombat – 75% off
•Need For Speed: Most Wanted – 75% off
•Need For Speed: Rivals – 50% off
•Prototype 2 – 75% off
•Risk – 50% off
•Sleeping Dogs – 75% off
•Slender: The Arrival – 50% off
•State of Decay – 50% off
•Tales from the Borderlands: Season Pass – 40% off
•The Orange Box – 75% off
•Titanfall Deluxe Edition – 50% off
•Trials Fusion – 60% off
•Watch Dogs – 50% off
•WWE 2k15 – 50% off
The Brink Season 1, Episode 3: “Baghdad, My Ass”
Air Date: July 5, 2015
Through predictable HBO audience pandering techniques, The Brink tries to maintain a edgy image, but inevitably falls flat with its predictably lazy writing and plot scenarios each time.
In the third episode, Alex (Jack Black) has been released from the Pakistani spy agency (that waterboarded him in the previous episode) under one very specific condition: he must get General Raja (Bernard White) in contact with the U.S. Secretary of State, Walter Larson (Tim Robbins). If he fails, Raja promises Alex over a game of virtual golf in his office that he won’t just kill him, but will also kill Alex’s best friend Rafiq (Aasif Mandvi) and his entire family.
It’s one of the more serious moments in the show, and although the attempt at satire is there, the facetious nature of the way it plays out strikes more as juvenile antics and amateur plot development than an actual attempt at a satirical portrayal.
On the other side of the world, Larson is about to board a plane to India to try and prevent the threat of war breaking out between their country and Pakistan after the moronic, drug abusing Navy pilots from the first episode accidentally fired a missile at one of India’s drones.
Before this can happen, though, Larson has to walk in on his politically ambitious wife having sex with their personal trainer.
To give credit to HBO where credit is due, there’s not one close up of tits or ass, but there is a decently long close up of the personal trainer’s extremely large, certainly abnormal, “You should go get that checked out, dude” defining penis.
This scene is probably supposed to be hysterical, but again, the set up for the joke just wasn’t there and the entire thing falls flat.
The only interesting aspect about the entire scene is Larson’s nonchalance about what he stumbled into and the revelation that the two are married for purely politically advantageous reasons. It doesn’t do anything to move the story along a little more, other than his wife announcing she was going to take a Pentagon job instead of running for a Supreme Court position, but it is the first piece of satirical writing executed properly.
The biggest disappointment is the lack of progression in between episodes.
The story lines seem to move at a snails pace, and the characters haven’t developed at all. Even Alex, who without a doubt goes through the most transformative period, is still his gullible, terrible, government employee self.
The show only has eight episodes. Next week will be the halfway mark for the series, and nothing has particularly happened that’s convinced audiences it’s worth returning for week after week.
Much like the American government portrayed in the show, there is a total lack of direction occurring that has become detrimental to the show’s success.
The hurdles The Brink has to overcome within the next couple of weeks are jarring, but despite all of the negativity, I’m still holding out hope for what this series can be.
If it can find its voice and a way to do satire properly, The Brink could become an utterly fantastic series.
It just needs to prove to its audience that it can do that before it loses it all.
The second season of True Detective is notably lacking the occult influences that colored the first, but the show’s still littered with clues and details for astute viewers. Take, for instance, the season’s theme song whose lyrics change from episode to episode. While every episode starts the same way with a modified version of Leonard Cohen’s “Nevermind,” each episode cuts in a different set of verses (still pulled from the original song).
The opening credits for the premiere, “The Western Book of the Dead”
Below are the unique verses from each episode (to be updated each week):
[Episode 1: The Western Book of the Dead]
My woman’s here, my children too Their graves are safe, from ghosts like you
In places deep, with roots entwined I live the life I left behind
[Episode 2: Night Finds You]
I could not kill, the way you kill I could not hate, I tried I failed
You turned me in, at least you tried You side with them, whom you despise
…
There’s truth that lives, and truth that dies I don’t know which, so never mind
[Episode 3: Maybe Tomorrow]
This was your heart, this swarm of flies This was once your mouth, this bowl of lies
You serve them well, I’m not surprised You’re of their kin, you’re of their kind
[Episode 4: Down Will Come]
Repeats the verses from the premiere, with the addition of::
I live it full, I live it wide Through layers of time, you can’t divide
[Episode 5: Other Lives]
Your victory was so complete That some among you thought to keep
A record of our little lives The clothes we wore, our spoons, our knives
And all of this, expressions of The sweet indifference some call Love
The high indifference some call Fate But we had names more intimate
Names so deep and names so true They’re blood to me, they’re dust to you
[Episode 6: Church in Ruins]
I could not kill, the way you kill I could not hate, I tried I failed
You turned me in, at least you tried You side with them, whom you despise
This was your heart, this swarm of flies This was once your mouth, this bowl of lies
You serve them well, I’m not surprised You’re of their kin, you’re of their kind
[Episode 7: Black Maps and Motel Rooms]
I had to leave my life behind I dug some graves you’ll never find
The story’s told with facts and lies I have a name, but never mind
Never mind, never mind The war was lost, the treaty signed
There’s truth that lives, and truth that dies I don’t know which, so never mind
I could not kill, the way you kill I could not hate, I tried I failed
You turned me in, at least you tried You side with them, whom you despise
This was your heart, this swarm of flies This was once your mouth, this bowl of lies
You serve them well, I’m not surprised You’re of their kin, you’re of their kind
[Episode 8: Omega Station]
Note: lyrics are the same as in the premiere.
My woman’s here, my children too Their graves are safe, from ghosts like you
In places deep, with roots entwined I live the life I left behind
Released on Leonard Cohen’s 2014 album Popular Problems, the song was originally conceived as a meditation on the victims of war, and the lamentations and conflicts that come with defeat. The song takes on a decidedly more insidious tone when paired with the corruption and depravity at the heart of True Detective’s second season.
One could possibly draw connections between each episode’s unique lyrics and some general themes presented in that episode–the haunted pasts and troubled families that were explored in the premiere, the second episode’s introduction of the characters’ many positions and allegiances (and its cliffhanger ending), or the increased scrutiny all parties receive as the investigation and state’s corruption probe ramps up in the third episode.
Or perhaps this is all pointless speculation. Nevertheless, here’s the original song from Leonard Cohen:
Sometimes (sigh–a lot of the time) there are shows that networks end all too soon and as a result, you, the fan, are forced to daydream about what might have been. And in some awful cases, you’re forced to imagine an ending for a show that was never given the chance to air one. Here are five such shows that deserve more time on screen either because they were axed way too soon or because they were simply too good to stop.
Honorable mention: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles because I love Lena Headey and I think Fox cancelled it way too soon, leaving us with that cliffhanger ending for season two. Instead of season three we get Salvation and Genisys and I die a little inside.
5. Firefly
Let’s just go ahead and get this one out of the way. Everyone has been clamoring for more Firefly even though the show is well over ten years old at this point. I’m not going to advocate for a live-action return to the space-western series, as I think that’s impossible with the current state of the cast. Reuniting them seems unlikely. That being said, what I propose is an animated version of the series. Dark Horse’s Firefly comics have done rather well, but I’m not alone in thinking they felt rushed, glossing over important plots and character development. An animated series would alleviate this burden, giving us time to savor the journeys out to the black. It’d be much easier to reunite the cast in a recording booth rather than trying to find time between Castle, Suits, Gotham, The Last Ship, and whatever else those crazy kids are filming these days.
4. Jericho
I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t know about Jericho when it first aired on TV. Only a year ago did a friend of mine nag me to watch and once I started, I was hooked. Promotions for the show made it come across as something you might see on The CW, full of angst and romantic triangles. While the show isn’t lacking in the drama department, it’s much more of a thriller, set in the United States immediately after nuclear bombs have destroyed most of the country’s major cities. Jericho is a small town in Kansas and rather than focusing on the big picture, America’s retaliation and return to power, it delves into what a crisis would do to rural America. Even though some of the characters aren’t that likable cough Eric cough, it’s the story that reels you in and holds your attention as you piece together what happened before the bombs went off and then try to decide who is good and who is evil. There was talk of Netflix possibly bringing back the series, but alas, I don’t think such a thing will pan out, especially not with them taking on so many original shows nowadays. That being said, I don’t think the cast is too busy to not get back together and the comics have added some solid content, enough to easily add a third season.
3. Moribito: The Guardian Spirit
There’s so much to love about this little anime. I haven’t found many who know of the show but those that do are die-hard fans, and for good reason. Seirei No Moribito follows Balsa the Spear-Wielder, a bodyguard who has been charged with protecting Prince Chagum at all costs, as the prince harbors a dangerous water spirit inside him. Balsa is a phenomenal main character, the likes of which I wish I saw more of in TV and film. For someone so stoic, she is a fascinating character, full of contradictions and I could watch ten seasons following her adventures. Besides, the spear fight sequences in the show rival the excitement of the ones in Daredevil, which is hard to match. Like other shows on this list, Seirei no Moribito was the victim of poor planning and many episodes were aired out of order or halted altogether. The first and only season wraps up nicely but as there are twelve novels and the first season only covers the first book, there is plenty of story to be told.
2. Bunheads
Much like TSCC, Bunheads was axed after a season-ending cliffhanger, leaving viewers with an insane amount of questions about the fate of the characters. Bunheads also had the misfortune of being split in two, used as a mid-season filler for other ABC Family shows that were on hiatus. Basically, ABC Family never gave the show a chance and it’s a damn shame. Bunheads follows Michelle (Foster), a Las Vegas showgirl who drunkenly marries the sweet and naive Hubble, only to have him die by the end of the first episode. Widowed and alone with Hubble’s mother in his hometown, Michelle uses her dance and life experience to serve as a (questionable) role model for young ballet students at the local studio. Of all the shows on this list, Bunheads probably had the most issues with off-the-wall storytelling and a stunning lack of diversity in the young cast. That being said, much like Amy Sherman-Palladino’s previous venture, Gilmore Girls, Bunheads had a lot of heart and even more humor. It’s rife with the fast-paced bickering Sherman-Palladino’s known for, but the two leads, Kelly Bishop and Sutton Foster work so well together, it’s hard to judge it as anything other than entertaining. Besides, I’ve said before the world needs more Sutton Foster.
1. Xena: Warrior Princess
Much like my entry for Firefly, I know bringing back Xena is a longshot. The cast is aging and there’s that whole issue of how the series ended, but let’s be honest, it isn’t like characters haven’t come back from the dead before. An added obstacle is the fact that Xena is very much a 90’s TV show, rooted in it’s campy, anachronistic nature. Were a show like Xena to premiere in 2015, I have no doubt it would be widely panned by critics. That being said, current TV shows seem to fall into one of two categories: silly to the point of idiocy or pushing the dramatic borders of what is allowed to air on television. Xena had a bit of both of those and I won’t deny I didn’t groan at some of the slapstick humor, but it was a show that never took itself too seriously and I always enjoyed that. I’d love to see Xena come back as an animated series much like Firefly, in order to keep the original cast, but honestly, I think it could stand to have a reboot.
That’s my entirely unbiased list of shows that need to make a return to television. What about you?
Pretty Little Liars
Season 6, Episode 5: “She’s No Angel”
Air Date: June 30, 2015
Pretty Little Liars’ “She’s No Angel” had quite the unusual start.
Spencer is walking around a creepy basement, where she watches a Maddie Ziegler do a super creepy dance in a room with a bunch of creepy bathtubs. The dance, which was choreographed by the one and only Travis Wall, was incredibly bizarre and chilling. If this is what the inside of Spencer’s brain looks like, no wonder she needed pot-cookies. When Spencer tells Aria about her dream the following morning, Aria provides no emotional support. Aria is trying to compartmentalize (aka suppress) all of her emotions from the dollhouse in order to survive. Having Spencer rant about the girl from the Chandelier music video dancing on top of bathtubs is not really helping. I should note, Spencer is nibbling on her edibles during the entire phone call.
Spencer decides to go to school that day, and gets called out by Hanna (the only other liar attending classes) for being high. This prompts her to attend an NA meeting. Actually, I am not sure if she went because of what Hanna said or if she had a bad case of the munchies and really wanted some free snacks. Her former drug counselor (who was previously fired by Mrs. Hastings) is also at the meeting, and offers Spencer a ride home. The two have a heart to heart and Spencer decides to be sober again and hands away her special pastries. Well, sadly, I think that may be the end of the stoner Spencer storyline.
Emily
After a phone conversation with her drunken mother, Sara announces to a freshly showered Emily that she needs to move back home. Emily flips a shit and convinces Sara to get emancipated so the two of them can forever be in lesbian together. Emily brings Sara to Rosewood’s foremost expert in the emancipation process, seventeen year old Caleb Rivers. Caleb starts laying down the hard truth; emancipation is not for the faint of heart, and maybe Sara should just wait out living with her mother until she turns eighteen. Emily sternly tells Caleb that Sara has waited long enough and every moment is precious (read: every moment that Sara sleeps in my room is precious so don’t fuck it up Caleb!) Caleb correctly reads Emily’s subtext, and offers Sara a job at his new web design company.
Sara goes to goes to Pennsylvania Child Services, conveniently located in Rosewood, and learns that she can live with Emily until she gets emancipated. Next, they do one of the dykiest things ever and get tattoos together. The fact that the two do not get the same tattoo in the same location allows this not to be an L Word lesbian move. Sara gets a tattoo of a captured dove flying from a cage in the middle of her back, while Emily only gets a Japanese symbol on her hipbone.
Hanna
Hanna wakes up to an uninvited Mona sitting in her kitchen, who is wearing ridiculously oversized sunglasses. Mona is freaking out that Ali may want payback for the whole framing her for Mona’s fake murder thing, and begs for Hanna to accompany her to the police station. Before heading to the precinct though, Hanna and Mona make their obligatory stop at The Brew, where the two run into Leslie. Leslie rips into Mona for forcing Leslie to take the stand and defend/lie for Mona under oath which consequently ruined Leslie’s life. Later that night Hanna meets up with Leslie at The Brew (you would think that a commercial entity would have claimed The Brew at this point), and Leslie apologizes for being rude to Hanna. She does not apologize though for calling Mona a life-ruiner, and then ominously warns Hanna about digging up skeletons at Radley.
Spencer somehow forces Hanna to break into the abandoned Radley to try to find files on Charles DiLaurentis. I do love how much time Spencer and Hanna are spending together this season! They really work well off of each other and create great scenes. While wandering the halls, Spencer happens to see a poster of the dancing girl from her dream, and subsequently walks into the room of bathtubs. The room from her dream wasn’t from the Dollhouse, it was from Radley!! Luckily for the pair, the bathtub room is also the ‘former patient records room,’ and they are able to dig out reports confirming that Charles is indeed dead.
A moment later though, Hanna accidentally knocks some folders into one of the bathtubs and sees a few limbs floating around. Spencer grabs an IV pole and fishes a Resusc-i-Annie out of the bacteria filled sitting bathtub water. Phew, it was not a dead body. Now we at least know that they taught CPR at Radley. Hanna wants to get the fuck out of the bathtub room, especially because creepy noises are coming from above, but like a young Jack Terrier, Spencer can’t stop digging for clues. Hanna finally convinces Spencer to leave, and on the way out they run into Mona, the girl who ditched navigating Spencer and Hanna through the Chamber of Secrets because apparently, her mother said so. Mona had come to Radley to steal Leslie Stone’s Radley file, meaning crazy Leslie Stone was once in Radley! This actually makes me feel better because the fact that Mona and Leslie met in a mental institute makes more sense then the two meeting because Leslie complimented Mona on her Dolce and Gabbana stretch pants.
The big reveal though is that Leslie was once a Radley patient. Not just any patient, but she was committed for so long that she knew both Mona AND Charles. She was even Bethany Young’s (the girl buried in Ali’s grave) roommate while in Radley! If you heard the idea bell above Spencer’s head ringing, then you heard right. It is fair to say Leslie is Spencer’s new suspect. Mona calls Leslie to tell her about her files being found, and she literally flips a shit.
Aria
Aria is hanging out in her dad’s office doing homework for classes she no longer attends when Clark, the Warbler photographer, strolls in and invites Aria to come take photos in a junkyard. Aria, the wise young woman that she is, decides going to an abandoned junkyard off of Route 47 with a near stranger is the perfect thing to do while the person who kidnapped and tortured her is still on the loose. In Aria’s new attempt to “embrace the creepy,” she manages to find every creepy doll in the junkyard and take photos of them. While shooting images of a doll whose head just fell off, Aria notices a black hooded figure lurking in the junkyard.
Later, while developing the film in the dark room, Aria realizes Clark was able to snap a shot of A. She calls Emily to ask what she should do but Emily has no time to worry about finally learning who A really is, Emily just wants to help free her boo.
Aria gathers the Liars together to examine the bust size of A. Hanna declares that the boobs prove that A is a female and that as the bust expert, those are definitely Leslie Stone’s . Because Emily does not want the lesbian fandom to attack her, all she will say is that those are most definitely not Paige’s or Sara’s breasts, and as a proper lady she can say no more.
In other random news: Ali and Lorenzo
Ali is basically on house arrest this week. She has two patrol cops who talk shit about her right outside her window, and her dad gets mad at her for sitting on the front porch to get some air. Suffice to say, Alison is not having the best of weeks. Her day is slightly brightened when Officer Lorenzo stops by to discuss the upcoming youth outing that he is planning. Ali tries, again, to explain to Lorenzo that the parents of Rosewood will not be keen on the idea of having the town’s pariah leading a nature walk. Just as sparks start to fly between the two, Mr. D walks in and kicks Lorenzo out. Lorenzo later comes by and they kiss. Surprisingly, I am not incredibly annoyed by this storyline, and it is nice to see the soft side of both these characters.
Quote of the Week: I could not just pick one this week:
Leslie: Really, you think I actually wanted perjury on my resume? Hanna: I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like your tone.
Hanna: First your texting Toby like some dog in heat, and then you’re gumming at your dessert like my grandma.
Questions to Ponder:
So Spencer got nominated for valedictorian when her mom offered to buy the school a planetarium, does Rosewood High really need a planetarium?
What do you think the age requirement for being a cop in Rosewood is?
When did Caleb start a web design company, and how is he making enough revenue to pay Sara minimum wage?
MR. ROBOT Season 1, Episode 2: “eps1.1_ones-and-zer0es.mpeg”
GRADE: C
When we last left Elliot, he had walked into Evil Corp’s Skyscraper Meeting Room of Doom and had come face to face with their true mastermind, Tyrell Wellick (Martin Wallström).
This episode picks right up where we left off as Wellick congratulates Elliot and asks him to join Evil Corp in a moment not dissimilar to Darth Vader attempting coax Luke to the dark side. Of course, Elliot, being the guy he is, asks to think about it…and think about it he does.
On the flip side of the coin, “fsociety” is kinda peeved because Elliot still has the code they used to hack Evil Corp and won’t give it back. And Mr. Robot wants Elliot to join their cause and destroy the world to rebuild it which isn’t really in Elliot’s interest.
Meanwhile, we spend the entirety of the episode wondering which side Elliot will choose and the lack of suspense is apparent from the word go. This is a step down this week and that’s unfortunate. We learn that Angela’s boyfriend, Ollie, is still a cheater who is seeing a brunette who’s not above showing some boob to get Ollie hot and bothered. Too bad Angela doesn’t know, huh? I’d care more if Ollie and Angela were more developed but they’re flat as pancakes because the show’s busy sporting Elliot’s droning monologues which go on and on and on and feature choice cuts like, “I must make a choice” and “am I paranoid” and “I can’t expose (name of friend here) to what’s going on just yet
I wish there was more to report on but this episode didn’t really go anywhere and featured a really strange and awkward ending (involving Robot shoving Elliot off a wall at the pier they’re hanging out at) that will make sense to us all the next episode.
On the plus side, this episode was much more tightly-directed and featured a stand-out scene between Elliot and his therapist. Elliot becomes increasingly edgy as he quits the drugs he’s on, cold-turkey. What follows is an acting tour-de-force where his therapist forces him to confront his demons and make the choice that benefits him.
My main problem with the show is the same I had the last time around: it’s not subtle at all and, depending on your mood, there are some set pieces that are gonna impress you or aggravate you. I was aggravated by one bit where Mr. Robot was dressed in a mask, giving a voice-modulated speech to the masses, a’la “Anonymous”. A modicum of metaphorical subtlety…is it too much to ask for?
The other issue is half the Internet is already calling the ending: Mr. Robot and Elliot are one in the same and the series will end with a societal meltdown and shift just like Fight Club. It’s hard to deny that the show’s going this direction. There are so many little thing that are pointing that direction.
Let’s hope that Mr. Robot recovers this week because the show was so promising last week.
True Detective Season 2, Episode 3 – “Maybe Tomorrow”
Air date: July 5, 2015
The major cliffhanger at the end of “Night Finds You” was the invigorating jolt that the slow-burning True Detective needed–the sort of shock that audiences in the post-Game of Thrones landscape are no longer so quick to dismiss. Despite falling back on some fairly standard film noir beats, True Detective has still managed to keep audiences guessing. “Maybe Tomorrow” adds a flurry of new questions even as the season approaches the halfway point with barely an answer in sight. Momentum is building as the mystery deepens and the characters are drawn ever closer together.
Would Nic Pizzolatto really be so bold as to kill off a major character so early in the season? The answer, perhaps somewhat disappointingly, is no. Ray Velcoro wakes up on the floor of Caspere’s sex bungalow in a puddle of his own urine and with little more than a few cracked ribs. Rubber bullets are the new “bulletproof vest reveal” it seems, and Ray’s survival consequently feels a little cheap. Admittedly, his death would have been a difficult obstacle for the writing to overcome, especially given how slowly the things have been coming together as it is. At least we were treated to what may be the best dream sequence on television since Twin Peaks–not many shows can make such great use of a crooning Disco Stu/Conway Twitty impersonator.
“Maybe Tomorrow” notably offers some important characterization for Paul Woodrugh, who is struggling with more than PTSD. An encounter with an old friend from the army suggests that he’s having difficulty coming to terms with his suppressed homosexuality, a revelation that provides a much more meaningful context for his sullen characterization thus far. He even gets his turn in a “chatting in cars” scene with Ani, where he cracks what might very well be his first smile all season.
It seems like the season has settled into a nice groove; the dialogue and chemistry between the characters feels more natural as they start to warm up to each other (albeit at their own guarded, glacial pace). The humor is also more frequent and feels less forced, relying more on some quick wit and comedic timing rather than any particular punchline. A few minor characters, such as Mayor Chessani’s entire family, are presented almost as caricatures, but others such as Frank Semyon are only getting better–his temper and frustration reveal cracks that allow more of his wit to shine through.
And Frank has a lot to be stressed about. He’s still no closer to finding out who took his money, his Russian investors have withdrawn from the land deal, and he’s having trouble focusing at the fertility clinic. In the episode’s most significant development, however, Frank discovers the body of his associate Stan, with the same burnt out eyes as Caspere. The entire mystery is suddenly reframed as a more personal vendetta against Frank, who doesn’t inform Velcoro but instead falls back into his old ways, rallying his former criminal network and reasserting his dominance when they challenge his authority (fare thee well, “Fuck You” grill).
Like the best crime mysteries, “Maybe Tomorrow” places a lot of emphasis on the balance of information between the various parties and their ulterior motives, even as they occasionally stumble towards a shared goal. The police may never find out about Stan’s murder, Alicia threatens to reveal information about Ray’s past to the state investigators, and Ray’s under increasing pressure to the investigation away from the corrupt officials of Vinci. While it had a slow start, True Detective has since amassed a compelling tangle of mysteries and motives–with the season nearly at the halfway point, it’ll be interesting to see whether any answers will finally get shaken loose.
“Pissed myself!”
“I take a shit, there’s a gun to my head, saying ‘Make it a good one! Don’t fuck up!'”
“Is that a fucking e-cigarette?”
Caspere’s safe deposit box contained some blue diamonds, another clue to keep in mind moving forward.
“You got serious problems, detective.” “I’m whittling them down.”
Dixon is also keeping busy (by spying on Woodrugh).
Part of the episode is spent following up on a suspicious vehicle, which was stolen from a movie set but later found to be torched by another masked figure.
Someone made a very believable teaser trailer to Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, based on the beloved novels by Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler). The video was posted yesterday by under the account “Eleanora Poe,” whom fans know as the Editor-In-Chief of the The Daily Punctilio. EW confirmed with Netflix that the trailer had not come from them.
There are thirteen books in the series starting with The Bad Beginning, which was originally published in 1999. In 2004, Jim Carey starred as Count Olaf in the film version of the first novel along with Emily Browning, Liam Aiken, Catherine O’Hara, and Meryl Streep.
A Series of Unfortunate Events is set to stream on Netflix in 2016 and follows the lives of the Baudelaire siblings Violet, Klaus and Sunny after their parents tragically pass away in a fire. They are sent to live with a creepy distant relative, Count Olaf, who only wants them for their inheritance.
Ballers Season 1, Episode 3: Move The Chains Air Date: July 5, 2015 Grade: C-
It’s quite a feat when the term “motherfucker” is used for the literal meaning as opposed to an insult. You could say that “Move the Chains” was the most action-packed Ballers episode of the season thus far, but that would be a miscarriage of the truth. This episode is the most “Entourage-y” thus far, and defines style over substance. The only saving grace is that the vast majority of the episode was in one location, so everything was a bit easier to follow.
We open this week with Spencer and Joe asking their boss for use of his yacht. This was an incredibly superfluous scene, with absolutely no need in the episode, except for maybe setting up Richard Schiff for a recurring role later on. Basically, the gist of this episode is that their financial firm needs to throw a large event in order to draw in big money clients. Since Spencer signed Vernon as the big fish last week, he decides to use this to springboard himself into more clients.
Cue the party, and in typical overkill fashion, it’s just smash cuts of beautiful women and drinking. All of the usual players show up, and debauchery ensues. Starting off at the party, Spencer runs afoul of Reggie, Vernon’s old friend, and gets into a contentious argument about Vernon’s future as a star and his financial situation. Throughout the party this escalates until close to the end of the night, where Spencer pushes Reggie into the DJ booth, causing a scene and having Reggie discredit him to the whole party.
Meanwhile, we find out that the reason why Ricky has been getting hazed so badly by his new Dolphin teammates is because his “side piece” is the mother of one of his teammates. Of course, Spencer tries to tell Ricky to think with his big head instead of his little one, but guess what? Ricky believes that Spencer isn’t really looking out for him because he can do whatever he wants. Gee, I wonder what will happen.
Elsewhere, Charles is living the lifestyle that he gave up before he retired, while Vernon and Reggie are doing blow off of topless girls. The typical party behavior of the rich and the beautiful as portrayed by HBO is right in line with what we’re expecting.
That’s probably my biggest problem with Ballers as of right now. Honestly, the premise of the show had a ton of potential. However, the show moves at a glacial place, and even worse, the storylines are painfully predictable. I understand that they want to ease viewers in, and that means they have to play to some stereotypes and caricatures of athlete personas, but there is nothing new to these plots, down to Spencer’s pill addiction. At this point, the next thirty minutes better take us somewhere, otherwise I’m ready to toss this show to the water, much like the players did when Joe dropped the N-bomb to the assembled crowd.
KILLJOYS -- "The Harvest" Episode 103 -- Pictured: (l-r) Aaron Ashmore as John, Tamsen McDonough as Lucy -- (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)
Killjoys Season 1, Episode 3: “The Harvest″ Air date: July 3, 2015 Grade: B
Don’t make promises you can’t keep Dutch! In this week’s episode of Killjoys, D’avin takes the RAC test, Dutch engages in some light torture, Johnny helps out a friend, and someone loses an ear.
Yep the team sure got busy starting with D’avin setting a new RAC tech exam record. During his final interview with agent Kira Dean, the former slave finds out that high scores aren’t enough. The RAC got a lot of ex-military who wash out because they can’t handle the independent thought required for the position. D’avin is striking out big time when he finally gets honest and says that he doesn’t fit in anywhere else. He’s not cut out to be a civilian but is done being a soldier and that convinces Dean to pass him, pending his psych evaluation. Uh oh, with D’avin’s PTSD that’s probably not going to go well. Johnny at first teases that he’ll be a great boss until they find out that big brother has been ranked at a level four. Awkward!
KILLJOYS — “The Harvest” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) Aaron Ashmore as John, Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch — (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)
Meanwhile Dutch is at a seedy motel room with the man she’s supposed to assassinate. He seems completely clueless as to why he’s being targeted or who Khlyen even is. It’s quite fascinating though to see Dutch’s dark side come out as she’s beaten this poor dude and tied him up without a sip of water for days. But since he’s been refusing to tell why Khlyen wants him dead or how she can find her ex-mentor, Dutch doesn’t feel like she has any other choice. Still, it’s quite a change from not wanting to take any kill warrants in the first episode to willingly torturing a person. The senior rec agent decides to eventually let the mark go telling him to disappear for his own sake and then burns the room down. This doesn’t really solve her problem though and I’m sure Khlyen knows that she didn’t really kill the guy and will exact adequate punishment. Or if anything, another red box will pop up.
It’s also happens to be Harvest Week in The Quad! That means migrant workers all come back to Westerly on break or to make sure that they don’t violate the terms of their work visas. Johnny and D’avin find their local Old Town bar overrun with drunkards back for the holidays and the elder Jaqobi gets a little too violent in a bar fight. We then meet the beautiful Dr. Pawter Simms (Sarah Power) who has a mysterious past of her own. But before he can do any real damage, Dutch comes in with her gun and badge breaking up the kerfuffle. Johnny proceeds to take advantage of the Harvest special with N’oa (a lady of the night) while Dutch recommends that D’avin ask Pawter to do his psych eval.
Johnny seems more interested in talking about his brother issues than having sex so N’oa brings up her own problem regarding her husband Vincent. He’s a migrant worker who always comes back during Harvest time but he’s apparently disappeared without a trace. She’s put a warrant out with the RAC and wants Johnny to take it as a favor because if he fails to show up before his visa expires, the penalty transfers to her and she’ll have to go through ten years of hard labor.
KILLJOYS — “The Harvest” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) Aaron Ashmore as John, Tamsen McDonough as Lucy — (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)
Johnny persuades his partner/boss to take the warrant and help N’oa out and so the two of them head to Leith to find Vincent. They go undercover with Dutch posing as a fancy hoc (alcohol) buyer and the younger Jaqobi as a worker. Immediately we find out that all is not well on this farm. Johnny is forced to have a tracker injected into his ear that is set to explode if they go beyond the borders. A fancied up Dutch is a guest in the main house where she meets with Martell, the landowner. Both rec agents start to investigate to determine what shady business is going on in Leith.
Using her seductive and assassination skills, Dutch manages to get Martell hot and bothered but puts him to sleep before she has to really compromise her virtue. She then uses him to get access to the compound’s tracking system to locate Vincent. Johnny rendezvous with her at the spot where the missing husband is supposed to be but all they find is his ear (along with a few others). Gross. Either someone chopped it off or he did the deed himself. The junior rec agent believes there is definitely some other scheme at play here and thinks he can get information out of a fellow worker.
In the meantime D’avin is having his own adventure with the doctor who agrees to pass him if he gives her a lift to the market where she needs to restock her supplies. Pawter is a little crazy herself after she injects a seller with a disease forcing the other woman to trade her medicine for an antidote. D’avin is shocked by her underhandedness but she shrugs it off and says it was actually just water. The two get into an argument after D’avin realizes that she triggered his PTSD. She storms off and says she’ll find her own way back.
KILLJOYS — “The Harvest” Episode 103 — Pictured: Luke Macfarlane as D’Avin — (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)
Good thing too because D’avin is needed to rescue the team after Dutch is attacked by Martell and his goons and Johnny finds out what actually happened to Vincent. After earning the female worker’s trust by cutting off his own ear with the tracker implant, she takes him to the forest. Johnny discovers that ol’ Vince has been running an illegal operation, which Martell had just reported to the authorities. The schmuck also had no intention of ever going back to N’oa, saying that his wife should have made better choices (you got that right though!). Dutch contacts D’avin just in time to come pick them up before the whole area is torched.
Once Vincent realizes that he’ll die if he stays in the forest, the coward turns from wannabe smuggler to whiney beggar, abandoning his comrades who want to fight for their work. Johnny tries to convince the woman befriended to come with them but she refuses, not wanting to give up her life there only to go back to Westerly. He leaves and she probably perishes.
When they eventually make it back to Westerly, Vince plays the doting husband elated that he’s reunited with N’oa. At first you think he’s gonna get away with it but thankfully the killjoys took the long way home and his visa expired two hours ago. N’oa smacks him and says good luck spending the next ten years doing hard labor. Hooray!
D’avin goes to see Pawter to apologize for the nasty things he said to her and she hands him his psych eval. He’s surprised to see that she’s passed him after their last conversation but she says that she keeps her promises. They come to a truce of sorts, but Pawter insists that D’avin get treatment because his PTSD isn’t going to go away by itself. He then asks her if she’s willing to be his doctor. Well now, was he looking for just any doctor or a specific person this whole time? Regardless, I am definitely digging a potential D’avin-Pawter romance here.
Best line of the episode:
“Stop being friends with everyone you sleep with, it’s weird.” – Dutch to Johnny
Hey everybody. My name is Rob… and I’m a collector. Every payday (*see steal money from my wife’s wallet) I blow “my” money on collectibles and collector editions. It’s a serious problem. That’s where Collectors Anonymous comes in. It’s a place where collectors can be open and honest, without being judged. Well, actually it’s just me doing unboxings with a sick melodramatic intro sequence…but ummmm… so you don’t have to!?
This meeting I’m taking a look at the Batman: Arkham Knight Limited Edition. When you’re done take a look at Jen’s review on the game itself.
This week’s episode of The Fosters was jam-packed as “More Than Words” tackled trans, race, and LGBT youth issues. It also served a very bland side dish of Mariana.
Mariana the Great Worst
Mariana is still trying to dodge Wyatt’s incessant texts, where he asks if he did something wrong. If getting your ex-girlfriend’s sister drunk and then sleeping with her is wrong, then the answer is yes. Out of nowhere though, Mariana’s actual boyfriend, Matt, waltzes into her room for a surprise visit. He ditched his band for the weekend to drive down the entire west coast to be with his boo. Mariana does not know how to handle Matt being back and just acts like a bitch to him the entire time. It was pretty much a Mariana bitchfest. She complains that all Matt wants to do is have sex (which was not true). She also tells him she doesn’t want to feel guilty about Matt not sleeping with other people during his rock tour. Mariana, I’ve got cheese and crackers to accompany your whine. Please shove them in your face so you can stop talking.
Cole is Back!
All the kids decide to head to the beach because thankfully they have Saturdays off from Summer school. While sunbathing they run into the one and only Cole! Yay, Cole! Cole joins the Adams-Foster gang, and tells them all about the LGBTQ prom that he is planning for that night. Callie invites herself as Cole’s date, and tells Jude and Connor they are coming.
What makes this scene special is Cole. Tom Phlean, the actor who plays Cole, is a transgender male, and he is one of the handful of trans actors that actually plays a trans character. The fact that they had him take his shirt off, and not show an ounce of self-consciousness when everyone saw the scars on his chest was amazing. Out of the handful of shows that have a transgender male character, I am unable to think of a single one that has shown him take off his shirt and have visible post-operative scars. The visibility that The Fosters gives to the LGBTQ community as a whole never ceases to amaze me.
Later that evening, everyone gets ready for prom and arrives at Lena and Stef’s house for the pre-prom photoshoot. Callie even found this spectacular dress a vintage store while strolling home from the beach earlier. Wait what? Callie just randomly happened upon a dress that fits perfectly, and looks super expensive, while walking home from the beach. Either that is the dress version of the Traveling Pants or I am calling BS on Callie’s story. Callie looks hot, which everyone points out, and it is obvious that Cole is smitten. Sadly, Callie has to put Cole down easy, and tells him that she is only into guys that are her foster brothers.
Jude/Connor
Jude and Connor are not having the time of their lives at the LGBTQ Prom. Jude is still struggling with being labeled as “gay” or being labeled as anything for that fact, and being at a function that is partially defined by labels is not helping. What also doesn’t help is that they run into these two assholes to start off their night:
Jonah: Hey, welcome! I’m Jonah. I’m gay.
Lenin : Hey! How’s it going. I’m Lenin, and I am gender queer.
After Connor introduces himself to these strangers as “Connor, gay,” it is Jude’s turn. Jude introduces himself as “Jude”since, you know, that is his name and that is how most people introduce themselves. Lenin gives him a quizzical look and responds “Hey Jude. So, um, what are you?” Seriously, Lenin? Who/what the fuck are YOU? The whole point of an alternative/LGBTQ prom is for it to be inclusive for all people period, especially those who are left out of the mainstream prom culture. And here Lenin is, forcing this young, fourteen year old boy to define himself in order to be in your presence.
Jonah proves that he is officially the worst person ever when he pulls Connor aside to tell him that Jude not liking labels equals Jude not being sure if he is gay because, and I quote, “If a guy can’t say he’s gay, that means he’s not sure he is.” Who does this guy think he is, the gay whisperer? If a guy can’t say he is gay, he is not gay, and therefore will break your heart? There is SO MUCH bi-phobia oozing from this guy. How do bisexual individuals fit into this airtight theory Jonah has concocted. He is essentially saying that if a guy is unsure that he is only attracted to males, or attracted to both males and females he will break your heart? But, moreover Jude is a fourteen year old boy. He is in love with another boy but trying to figure out who he is as a person because he is a teen! A fourteen year old boy does not need to define himself yet!
Cole pulls Jude aside and the two have a truly insightful and thought-provoking discussion about labels. Cole admits that while labeling yourself may feel constraining, for many people it is liberating and creates a form of community. Cole’s label is what got him into a LGBT group home where he finally could just be himself. Jude realizes how lucky he is to be living in a super liberal two mom household, and starts to understand the power of labels.
Brandon
Brandon is still struggling to produce the perfect fugue for Kat, the diva, to perform. After realizing Kat will literally call everything that he hands to her shit, Brandon decides to type “unknown Bach Fugue” into google and have Kat play that for the Dean of Music. Upon first viewing, it seemed like Brandon was trying to pull off the most half-assed plagiarism plot in the world, but Brandon is actually much smarter. He purposely did this to show that Kat would even call Bach’s music shit if she thought it came from Brandon. While this is a really smart move, it also still just stinks of plagiarism, whether or not Brandon did it to show his partner up. What I am most amazed at is that Brandon googled “unknown Bach fugue” and picked a piece that he assumed was unknown. No matter what you type into Google, if it comes up on the first page of results that shit is very known. The Dean has had enough of the Kat and Brandon fighting, and they are both kicked out of band camp.
Lena
Lena’s mom and dad are back in town this week. Due to some technical difficulties (aka Stephen Collin) Lena’s dad, Stewart, has had a face transplant since we last saw him at the wedding. Also in town is Lena’s half-brother Nate. Lena has not talked to her brother in about twenty years, since the day he called her mother the N-word. It is a huge matter of contention between Lena and her mother, Dana. Lena also discovers that Dana never told her father about what Nate had said. Dana wants to let the past stay in the past, and is willing to forget it ever happened so Nate could be back in their lives. Lena is not having it. She cannot understand how her mother can be so blasé when it comes to Nate. Lena refuses to have a relationship with her brother until he apologizes to her mother.
Lena sets up a dinner party at her house, to ensure maximum confrontation time with Nate. She is upset when she learns that Nate is bringing his new girlfriend to dinner, and is even more upset upon learning his girlfriend is black. As expected, Nate is an ignorant jerk, and Lena ends up storming out of the dinner party. When her mother follows her, Lena finally convinces her Dana to confront Nate for the hurtful comments he made twenty years ago. When she does confront Nate, he denies everything, saying that it never happened, and starts whining about how his dad always chooses Dana and Lena over him. This actually made me feel sick during. Nate is a grown ass man, and it has been twenty years since the incident. Be an adult and admit you did something wrong instead of whining to your father about him condemning your racist comment. Stewart kicks his son of the Lena’s house, and hopefully that is the last we ever see of Nate.
On some lighter news the episode, I am really warming up to AJ, and actually am rooting for him and Callie to become an item. I am just not sure what the rules are about hooking up with your step-foster brother. I never thought that a characters on a show could have more confusing relationships than The OC, but I think The Foster’s has them beat.
Terminator Genisys (2015) Directed by: Alan Taylor
Written by: Laeta Kalogridis, Patrick Lussier
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, Jason Clarke
The Terminator films have the benefit of a universe already firmly rooted in time travel, a conceit that other franchises such as X-Men and Star Trek strain to incorporate. This allows the series to perform reboots and retcons with relative ease, all stemming from an endless march of naked time travellers meddling with the constantly changing chronology. Terminator: Genisys is the latest iteration to introduce a few more creases to a timeline full of wrinkles and killer robots, with ever more diminished returns. Like most “reboots” today, it offers some clever twists on an old premise, but provides very little that we haven’t seen before.
Emilia Clarke (of Game of Thrones fame) stars as Sarah Connor, whose son John will go on to lead humanity to victory in the coming war against the machines. Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) is a soldier sent from the future to protect her, only she doesn’t need protecting anymore. By 1984, Sarah’s already a fully capable and battle-hardened badass, having been raised under the care and tutelage of a reprogrammed T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) who rescued her from an assassination attempt during her childhood. Under the guidance of her new guardian (affectionately referred to as Pops), Sarah has been preparing for the upcoming war with Skynet long before Kyle Reese’s arrival. Together, the three take the fight to 2017, where the new Genisys program is poised to unleash Skynet on the world.
Emilia Clarke is good as the headstrong young Sarah Connor, delivering a performance that balances the burden of responsibility and the apprehension of a known destiny (obvious echoes of her role as the mother of dragons). Unfortunately, however, the chemistry is non-existent between her and Jai Courtney, who spends most of the film trying to wrap his head around every new twist and turn. J.K. Simmons offers some comic relief in a great but all-too-short appearance, but the best part of the film is actually Arnold himself. Terminator: Genisys expands on the idea (first presented in Terminator 2) of the terminators as guardians and, by extension, protective father figures. The role suits Arnold well, now older but not yet obsolete. A surprising amount of humor is wrung out of the aging guardian’s stoicism and deadpan (endearing, in a “dad jokes” sort of way), and there’s even a hint of poignancy in the aging murderbot’s dedication to protecting his charge despite being outmatched by newer, shinier murderbots.
Viewers looking for popcorn fare will be satisfied with plenty of CGI and unstoppable robot mayhem, but the rest of the film contains very little substance. This is the second time that a new Skynet has reared its virtual head after its supposed destruction in Terminator 2. The stakes lose some of their meaning when deployed over and over again, and the series begins to feel more like a game of whack-a-mole across its many timelines–delaying Judgment Day only for Skynet to re-emerge and kick off another nuclear apocalypse. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, and it will take a lot more than a couple of time travel twists to prevent the franchise’s inevitable destruction at the cold, mechanical hands of its Hollywood overlords.
In preparation for the upcoming release of Terminator: Genisys, we’re taking a look back at the Terminator franchise, today peeking at the TV show, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
The one that Fox unjustly cancelled after season two’s cliffhanger.
What’s it about?
John Connor, now an angsty teenager is trying to have a normal life but those gosh darn metals won’t leave him be. His mother, Sarah, intent on John seeing the world before his 18th birthday, drags him all over the world only to end up in L.A. where they eventually make their stand to bring down Skynet.
What year is it?
It starts in 1999, but Sarah and John leap forward into the future eight years in the first episode, so most events take place in 2007. However, there are flashback (flash-forward?) scenes of Kyle and Derek Reese in the future.
What’s Arnold doing?
He’s not in the show, and I, for one, am grateful for that fact.
Who’s he fighting?
At the time the show was filming? Old age. And California.
Best Scene:
All of season two’s premiere, “Samson and Delilah.” From start to finish the episode raced through the plot at breakneck speed. After being victim to a car bomb, Cameron’s programming malfunctions, leaving her intent on terminating John Connor.
I was also a fan of the more Lena Headey-focused episodes like “The Good Wound” and “Some Must Watch.” As is the case in any part of the Terminator franchise, John was the most annoying part of the show (however, considerably less so than his predecessors), so any story that shined on Sarah was welcome in my eyes. John Connor may be the recognizable name to the Terminator universe, but it’s Sarah who has always been the star.
Terminator Aptitude Test:
Cameron does better than most, but that is solely because of her bond with John Connor. Both she and Cromartie make use of everyday phrases like, “Thank you for your time” and “Thank you for explaining” in an attempt to seem less robotic, but it only serves to make them stand out more. Cameron employed her logic most often when dealing with Sarah, saying things like, “If you beat him to death he can’t tell us anything.”
Catherine Weaver, the liquid T-1000 model, is the most advanced in the series (until Genisys, that is) and she passes most easily for human. John Henry, however, was the most fascinating as we watched him learn what it means to be human.
Position on Time Travel:
It’s all over the place. While the complicated mess that is time travel was touched upon in the films, TSCC really delves into the repercussions of trying to change the future. Many characters are from different times and as the franchise goes on, Judgment Day continues to alter because as the characters learn more about the future, the more they change. It’s a fascinating concept, albeit insanely confusing if you look too closely.
Overall Thoughts:
I’m furious Fox cancelled this show. It had issues, don’t get me wrong. Many plots were left to die and it often moved so quickly it was hard to keep up, but as far as a TV show that fully encompassed the franchise, TSCC was it. Season two’s cliffhanger and plans for season three had me so excited I nearly drowned in my own drool. Alas, it wasn’t to be.
With the Shadowhunters TV series still in production and not airing until 2016, ABC Family launched shadowhunterstv.com as the official site of the upcoming show to keep the fans posted on all things Nephilim.
They’ve got some fun goodies already including a behind the scenes video of the weapons room being built in the New York Institute.
You can also check out this article on Katherine McNamara (Clary Fray), Dominic Sherwood (Jace Wayland) and see the cast list including information on their official social accounts.
While we wait, take a look at these updates from the cast and crew. There is an especially AWESOME video from Matthew Daddario showing off his archery skills (yay Alec!!).
“[My dog] is a trained attack Pomeranian and she will gut you on command!”
That’s an actual line from “Nina”, the “Drew Barrymore” of this, the ill-conceived pilot episode of MTV’s latest attempt at a horror cash-in, Scream — and if the opening episode is any indication of what we should expect, this series will quickly be put out of its misery
The announcement that Scream would be resurrected was met with indifference by the horror community. After all, the third film of the franchise, though incredibly vaporous, sufficiently put the story of Sidney to bed and the fourth movie…well…we don’t talk about that. So, when the show idea was put out there, the only appropriate question was “why?”
When MTV answered that question with a resounding metaphorical middle finger by hosting it, you could hear the groaning and the resounding slap of a hand meeting faces across the country. And by the time we learned that writer Kevin Williamson and the franchise’s father and veteran horror director, Wes Craven, were going to be as far away from this as possible, the series was all but cancelled in the hearts and minds of horror fans the world over.
MTV’s Scream is your usual teen cookie-cutter bullshit TV, the result of some guy who starts every with “You know what would be totally awesome?” before he’s tossed a Scooby Snack for his “hard work”. It stars…people. A bunch of them. And they’re teens. Ones without personality or acting skills or the ability to show any emotion except to be horny, pissed or brooding.
My colleague, Keith Kuramoto, once used to poke fun at me for finding some pleasure in another MTV horror re-boot, Teen Wolf. Scream makes that show look like Breaking Bad.
“Emma” (Willa Fitzgerald) is our “heroine”. But you can’t possibly know that. The only way you’d be able to guess that is she’s shown most of the time. She feels bad because her friend, Nina (Bella Thorne), has been murdered. Who did it? Some person wearing a heavy black cloak and a white mask. “I feel shock, mild interest, but not grief,” says Noah, the “Randy” equivalent of the series (played by John Karna). And who can blame him? The audience, just ten minutes prior, had to sit through Nina serving herself up on a silver platter and putting the apple in her own mouth for garnish. She got about ten text messages that, more or less, would be cause for anyone to call 911. Instead, Nina’s content with receiving about a dozen videos of herself undressing at close range. And what does she do? Keeps undressing, goes outside, yells that she’s out there and gets knifed in the back. This, after she attempts to dial 911 using iPhone’s “Siri”. “Dialing Pottery Barn!” Siri replies with glee.
And, at that point, you’re waiting for this episode to end so you can watch the dozen other shows on your worksheet.
For what it’s worth, there’s a plot. Or part of one. It’s about lesbians making out. In fact, the show opens with lesbians making out. It’s not presented as hot, either. So, I guess that’s nice. But they’re making out. Next scene? More making out. Next scene? People discussing the lesbians making out. Also, Emma’s boyfriend is a complete dick of a character who perpetuates the bullying culture that goes on at the high school they attend. They filmed the heavy petting seen in the opening reel to…make some sort of a point that girls kiss, I guess. It’s presented as “bullying”. Somehow. I don’t know why. The messages are so mixed. To explain: Emma’s boyfriend (Connor Hall) is like TMZ. He goes around with his buddy, Tom (Jake Fitzgerald), and videos students doing stuff like kissing and then puts it on YouTube, violating their privacy. And Emma allows it, being the sweetheart she is, which makes no sense. Whatever.
So Emma, out of pity, invites the lesbian chick to Nina’s “wake” which is, of course, an “Irish wake”. Which is to say, it’s an excuse to drink heavily, do drugs, make out and fuck without a care in the world. Does the killer make an appearance at the party like in the first movie? Of course he/she does. But it’s subtle and not frightening in the least.
In fact, the entire show isn’t scary. And isn’t that one of the points of a horror series?!
Look, I’ll be the first to admit it: jump scares suck but they’re also a necessary evil. They’re to horror what drops and loops are to a roller coaster. Done right, they thrill you and you age 25 years in one second. Done wrong or too much and it comes across as cheap and low-brow. But, come on. I’m watching a re-boot of one of the more well-known horror franchises of all-time. I expect some goddamn scares here.
And it’s not that I don’t scare easy. There’s no suspense to speak of. There’s nothing that’s even “creepy” beyond the weird “Daisy” chant coming from Lakewood Lake (I’m just guessing that’s what it is because they don’t tell you what the body of water outside Emma’s house is called but the town’s name is “Lakewood”, so…) and even the “Daisy” bit is ripped off from 2001: a space odyssey, which isn’t even in the same genre.
It’s all a shame because the re-design of Ghostface is pretty sweet — but showing up when he feels like doesn’t lend any real drama to the proceedings. For a show that’s supposed to be adapting Scream, the lack of Ghostface is an odd play.
Take, for instance, a moment where Noah gets really freakin’ smashed and wakes up trapped on a raft in the middle of the lake bordering the aforementioned party house. When he attempts to swim across the lake, he’s presumably grabbed by the killer and dragged underwater and, instead of being scared, all I could bring myself to do was try to figure out the thought process behind this attempted murder. Try to keep up here: Noah got shit-faced drunk, passed out on the couch and ends up on a lake’s raft due to some bullies with a grudge. And the killer is just hanging out underwater, ready to pull him under and drown him on the off-chance somebody ends up in the lake?! Even if you put on your thinking cap and say, “Maybe one of the bullies was the killer”, you’d still have one of the most complicated, flawed and convoluted ways to murder somebody that you’ve have ever heard of. How long was the killer underwater? Are they just sitting in the dark, with near-zero visibility, freezing, wearing fucking scuba gear? Why didn’t they just grab and murder Noah earlier instead of putting him on the raft? In any case, the suspense lasts as long as the commercial break because SPOILER ALERT: Noah lives and we just plain move on.
The show really is this awful. Everything that Williamson and Craven created is severely undone, as if the characters they made fun of in the Scream films are trapped in this thing and they’re fighting against the script.
Nobody dies beyond Nina — and they could. The cast is that forgettable. In fact, Noah (in a heavy-handed attempt to be meta, just like Randy), explains that serial killers, especially those in a TV SERIES (WINK, WINK!!!) take their sweet time. Anyone could die at anytime — but nobody has to die in each reel. That isn’t the way it works here, he says.
Then why should I care? There is no character here that interests me and no storyline that would compel me enough to tune in next week to find out if the lesbian girl has a connection to Emma’s mom somehow or if Emma’s hot friend Brooke (Carlson Young) seduces her teacher (Bobby Campo who looks like he’s about Brooke’s age and that makes this even more sadly surreal) or if the…football team…wins a…game? What the hell is Noah smoking here? What does any of that have to do with anything?
Scream is, by all accounts, a failure, a colossal miscalculation. The question for me is no longer “why?” I know why.
My question is “Do I stick around and hope this gets better or am I wasting my time?”
Hi there! Helluva day, wasn’t it? I hope everyone is well
Last week saw Hank going bye-bye after Paige took a flamethrower to his sorry ass for demeaning women while Josh and ZZ survived for simply being there. Looking at this episode’s title, it looks like we’re gonna have a ZZ-centric episode…so let’s settle in.
We are LIVE(!) from Full Sail University for Tough Enough!
Chris Jericho and Renee Young are your hosts. They introduce Hogan, Paige and Daniel Bryan.
Bryan says that he wants to see more character from the competitors. Paige just resorts to calling them all “boring, which is sad”. Hogan doesn’t see it that way, brother. Yes, he even calls Paige “Brother”. Chris likes when Hogan calls Paige “brother” and we get the first set of clips.
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
The Barracks
Josh hangs out with a couple of the girls who are, like OMG, sooooo surprised Josh was in the Bottom 3 last week. Josh tells the camera that he feels like everyone’s scheming. After the jump-cut, everyone in the cast is suddenly in the room. Amanda brags about beating Gabi and, ruh-roh, 3 and a half minutes in, the gloves are off. Gabi wants Amanda to go home. So does Daria. Dianna isn’t happy about Amanda’s yapping. So, Amanda gets right in her face and talks shit about Dianna and her fiance and, suddenly, all we can hear is the sound of women screaming at each other while the men stand around, wondering how the hell they got on the set of The Bachelor. The result? After Amanda trash-talks to everybody in within a three-block radius, everyone somehow hates Dianna. (DANIELLE: “Editing, PAL!”)
But enough of that, Alex doesn’t know anything about wrestling. This makes Patrick mad! MAD!!! REALLY MAD!!! And he yells at Alex really LOUD!!! Alex violently shakes his head at Patrick like Ali’s throwing punches and declares, “KNOWLEDGE MEANS NOTHING, BRO”, a phrase so deep, I cannot possibly reflect on its subtle, yet playful, near-literary symbolism.
FLORIDA’S EVERGLADES
Wild Florida’s Ultimate Wilderness Air Boat The contestants get brought out to an island in the middle of the Glades. Booker, Billy Gunn and Lita announce that this is the next challenge. Booker tells them to look around and take a good, steamy look at the gator-infested swamp. A “gator expert” shows the contestants “what can hurt them” by bringing out a wittle baby gator. D’awwwww! Then he loses control of it and nearly gets his hand bitten off. (DANIELLE: SAVE HIM, ZZ! GO HELP HIM, “GATOR”!!!) Amanda is afraid that they’re gonna “die”.
The challenge is as follows: swim over to their floaty boat of doom, grab a WWE belt and swim back to shore with it — all without being mutilated and/or eaten by alligators. Please? The WWE would like to get through this exercise without a pending lawsuit. So, make sure nothing kills you. To add a fun little wrinkle to things: Patrick, the token black guy…he can’t swim.
(DANIELLE: …I…oh…)
Yeah. WWE went there. Dianna is afraid of dark water and the movie, “Lake Placid”. That ruined her for life. But, hey! Ironically, she’s first. Patrick still can’t swim and “Gator”, for all his bragging, is practically just inches ahead or behind Patrick, depending on the camera angle. Alex nearly drowns until the medics leap into the horrible, non-gator-infested waters to “save” him. (DANIELLE: ZZ is 0-for-fucking-2 in the “saving people in the swamp”. Not good.) Dianna gets back to shore, so she’s cool. Booker laughs at Patrick which just doubles down on 11 and raises the table $50,000 dollars and gold watch in terms of presenting racist stereotypes. Tanner “beats” Josh to shore but we could be wrong. Josh claims Tanner cheated, so that ends in a manly shoving match which only takes Booker saying “Hey, guys, now…” to make them stop.
Alex is stuck and barely gets to the boat. He doesn’t even swim back to the island as the crew helps him get to “safety” while the “dangerous gators that could murder you at any time” float there, doing nothing. (DANIELLE: Waiting for the production team to take them back to the plastic prop store.) Back on the island, Booker congratulates the winners and shames Mada and Alex for their failure. Billy Gunn channels R. Lee Ermey and chews out Daria for dropping her belt. The team leaves on an air boat while Patrick and Alex mope. (DANIELLE: Alex was right: knowledge don’t mean shit when you can’t swim.)
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Arena Renee Young informs us that Gabi created a CAW and challenged Nikki Bella to a fight on WWE 2K15 over Twitter. She even has the balls to label it #DreamMatch. (DANIELLE: Nikki better watch out. Gabi can manhandle Summer Rae on “Easy” mode.)
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
Barracks Tanner and Josh argue while playing pool while Daria and Giorgia talk and agree to take down Dianna. Dianna and Gabi, however, form their own faction and nothing is remotely interesting about this except that both pairs share matching first initials. Gabi is skeptical but is willing to accept a temporary partnership. Patrick watches the whole thing, eye-fucking them from the comfort of the pool table and then tries to instigate a threesome by making them “kiss and make up”. Dianna’s disgusted and leaves. (DANIELLE: She didn’t stay for a lesbian make-out session on WWE programming? Oh, she’s definitely gone now.) Patrick offers to kiss Gabi and, at this point, the moment is so awkward,Gabi’s blank stare seems sexy in comparison. Meanwhile, Mada gets on his APPLE IPHONE™ and facetimes with his hot blonde wife and his child in a fairly touching moment.
The next day…
The Gym Roman Reigns is in the ring and each woman competitor swoons and wrings out their panties as per contractual obligation. Reigns is edited down with a soft glow like a picture on Instagram. Reigns introduces himself and wants to know if they wanna get beat up. He demos a move, using a couple of trainers. The men watch, stunned, as Medium Show crushes Almost Fandango off the top rope. The women, however, are still inside of Fifty Shades of Grey, wishing Reigns would crush them under his weight over and over and over.
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Arena Meanwhile, back at the set of Kitchen Stadium, Chris Jericho admits that Roman Reigns even turns him on. Daniel Bryan’s got a boner, too, while Hogan and Paige talk about what the competitors need to do. These segments are really kinda worthless and should be limited to the beginning and end, at most. Jericho explains the voting system, telling people to “vote who you want to win” in case you have NO idea how “voting” works.
Back at the Gym The men take falls backward. Roman Reigns isn’t involved in any of this. (DANIELLE: Having most likely exploded from his own sexiness.) Then it’s time for the competitors to take falls off of the top turnbuckle. Gabi fails miserably, being “afraid of heights” of about five feet or more and everyone lands on their backs, heads and tailbones. (DANIELLE: Who needs goddamn alligators?) Lita names Giorgia the women’s winner while Booker proclaims Patrickthe guy’s winner. (DANIELLE: White men can’t fall either, I guess.) Billy tells them that there will be a loser today.
The Barracks –are arguing about…oh. Sorry. It happened that fast after the break. I didn’t even have fucking time to type what happened. Daria is shamed and Dianna just yells about bitch-asses and theoretical women-hanging-onto-cliffs. In the next room — I can’t even make this up if I was tripping — Giorgia and ZZ listen to the argument through the wall using cups as hearing aid devices. The rest of the case does the “cup-to-wall” bullshit which defeats the point because you can already hear everything.
Dianna sexually bribes ZZ into switching rooms with her so that ZZ can mess with her roommate. (DANIELLE: What, was the roommate like, “ZZ’s gonna live with me? AWESOME!” I don’t think that happened…)
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Arena Jericho says it’s time for the judges to ask competitors questions.
Patrick and Alex are called up by Daniel Bryan. He commends them for not being able to swim. He asks what Alex what he meant with his “Knowledge means nothing quote”. Alex replies that it’s a physical game, not a mental one. Patrick (DANIELLE: …kisses Bryan’s ass…) agrees with that (DANIELLE: Same thing.) and Daniel Bryan agrees with Patrick’s assessment and everyone agrees that Alex is the new Confucius. Paige snaps everyone back to reality, calling Alex a moron while Hogan agrees with Paige.
Hogan gets weird and tells ZZ that “The Rock eats the best pie”. He wants to know what kind of “pie” ZZ likes to eat. Daniel Bryan follows up with an actual tough question: “What do you want to see when you’re in the women’s bedroom?” Hogan follows this up with where Dianna is sleeping. Dianna talks about how ZZ left a pair of dirty underwear in her room and she can smell them. Best show ever.
Paige ends the ZZ suck-up party and calls up Amanda and Sarah. She admonishes them both for being phonies and tells them to step back.
Hogan verbally berates Mada and we end that.
Here’s your Bottom 3:
Alex (Bryan – Alex needs to have more discipline)
Sarah (Paige – Sarah has no personality)
Dianna (Hogan – She wins challenges but hates people)
When we come back, the Bottom 3 appeals:
Sarah – She’s herself. She gave up everything for all of this. She just hasn’t been “showcased”. She won’t jump into the camera and fight with people.
Alex – Alex can’t decide who should go home but finally names Dianna, the popular answer. They ask him one question with ten seconds left to answer and he talks about exhibiting courage though he’s kinduva loser.
Dianna – Dianna is hot, blonde and fights. And she’s BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
Daniel Bryan, Paige and Hogan don’t want to save anyone. (DANIELLE: Then why have that stupid rule if you aren’t gonna use it?)
GOING HOME: Alex.
That is it for this week. Let’s tune in next week when we try to remember the names of everyone because they’re so unmemorable.
THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1106" - Six suitors are at first eerily unnerved and then, amused, when they attend a traditional "fake" Irish wake - for Kaitlyn - and must "eulogize" her. The bereaved and bemused bachelors bid a fond farewell to their beloved, who is hysterical with laughter listening to a raucous celebration of her life. At the cocktail party that night at the Guinness Storehouse the six men proceed to woo Kaitlyn, especially one hopelessly romantic bachelor. The recipient of the group date rose and Kaitlyn share a romantic private concert by the hit Irish rock band The Cranberries, but simultaneously, a very agitated man confesses that he is having a hard time watching the Bachelorette share her attention and affection with the other guys. He has a meltdown and reveals an explosive secret that only he and Kaitlyn know, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JUNE 22 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Clodagh Kilcoyne)
SHAWN B., KAITLYN BRISTOWE, TANNER
Well folks, here we are again, for another installment of the dumbest crap on television. Apologies for my lack of review last week once again, as my schedule got away from me and just had a crazy week where my DVR box wasn’t functioning properly either. The week before that, my cat walked all over my keyboard and deleted my entire review while I was writing it. Perhaps these are signs from the universe that I should stop watching this silly-ass nonsense and do something else with my time. But I sacrifice myself for the sake of comedy. Because this silliness is funny. I do it for you. Yes, I am an American Hero. You may worship me now.
Since I bailed on last weeks episode, the following will be a combination-review of this weeks and last weeks. So, we left off with crazy Ian telling Kaitlyn off randomly, because he decided to suddenly become a giant asshole for no reason whatsoever. She tells him that he is being super rude and offensive, and he says “That’s what I’ve observed. That’s what I have to say.” She retorts “and you feel good about that.” He gets up and leaves. Leaves her and leaves the show. He says to cameras: “She is shallow. I’m glad to be out of there.” In the sad limo, he is anything but sad and continues his rantings: “I’m too deep. It I was made the Bachelor, they’d come out from the woodwork, man. Theyd be like ‘he’s so deep.’ God I need sex.” WTF??? Is this man a lunatic or what? How do you go from saying how deep you are over and over and how you’re tired of Kaitlyn kissing everyone and everyone acting immature, to “I need sex.” This dude mentioned becoming the bachelor like 5 times – clearly that was his motivation the whole time. Sorry to tell you dude, but you are WAY too dull and boring to carry the show. Plywood is more riveting.
Anyway, after rude Ian leaves, our bachelorette is upset and crying, and “shaking. I’m shaking right now. I feel sick”, because this is her new thing in the last couple episodes. This chick is constantly SHAKING and feeling sick to her stomach about some damn thing. So who goes up to check on her but, of course, knight in shining armor Nick. The other men get all pissy when they figure out Nick is with her, because he already has a rose and there he goes stealing more time with her. Nick and her kiss and kiss and he makes everything all better. Shawn comes up to check on her, and sees her kissing Nick. He walks away to get some air outside, because he cannot handle seeing his woman kissing anyone else.
Kaitlyn tells the cameras: “I get it. I’m the makeout bandit right now. But intimacy is so important to me, and this is forever. If there is no intimacy, that’s a deal breaker.” Well, me thinks she has intimacy with about 14 different people at this point. Kaitlyn goes down and talks to the guys about why Ian left, and how he was rude to her and said mean things. Pimp Daddy Chris Harrison comes in and grabs Kaitlyn to get ready for the rose ceremony. They have one of their pointless chats, where he gives his usual stellar advice. “Clear your head. You have some decisions to make.” Wow thanks. She tells him she is over everyone questioning her. He leaves her and goes into the Fantasy Suite to make sweet love to himself.
During the Rose Ceremony, Chris the Dentist tells cameras that he wants a rose so badly, he would pull out his own tooth for it. Well that seems highly unnecessary. Thankfully we don’t have to watch that bloodshed, he gets a rose. Joe looks like he has been drugged during the rose ceremony, but he also gets a rose. Justin and Josh are sent home, and Josh is very hurt.
DUBLIN IRELAND:
The gang goes to Ireland and Kaitlyn says “I’ve always wanted to come here. This would be the perfect place to fall in love!” Of course it would, because that is what the script says. The dentist tells cameras that Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Jared tells the other guys he is going to trust what he has with her, despite all the Nick drama. Kaitlyn comes in and says the first one-on-one date will happen right this minute, and that it will be with Nick. The men are not happy. Nick tells cameras: “There are two shows. Theres the Bachelor, and there’s the ‘Shawn really hates Nick’ show.” Both of those shows sound horrible.
NICK AND KAITLYN AND NASTY MOANING SEX:
Nick and Kaitlyn begin their date taking walks outside, passing by lakes, and Nick watching as he witnesses Kaitlyn’s intense fear of birds. “My heart is pounding right now, I’m like, shaking. I’m shaking.” He is surprised at how truly scared she really is. He jokes with cameras “clearly we will never go to a park again.” They dance in the streets with some lame street dancers, then they stop and make out a hundred times in a hundred places. Against walls, on sidewalks, all over the place. Nick: “The physical connection is solid. I’m falling for her. Shes incredible.” They go to a pub and have drinks and kiss more and more. Kaitlyn: “I’m so happy he is here. Our chemistry is intense. Almost too passionate. Is that a thing?” I don’t know. I can’t believe this show is still a thing. They have dinner. More kissing. More groping. Now they start whispering sweet-porn-dialogue into one another’s ears on camera: “I’m dying” “You’re giving me goosebumps” , “I’m feeling for you” (which means “I’m so hard”). She tells cameras “He makes me feel like a desired woman. I forget there are cameras or other people involved when I’m with him.” She then asks him “You wanna go back to my hotel and hang out for a bit?” He says “Um YEAH!” They do. More making out on her couch. More porn dialogue. Finally she whispers “come with me” and they go into her bedroom and close the door. Seconds later, the moaning starts. Eeewww…… more porn dialogue appears on-screen as we stare at a door. “I want to know every part of you.” “I could get a hold of you. Come here” MOAN ……
Nick leaves the next morning and Kaitlyn is out on her balcony in her robe talking with producers I guess. Its unclear who she is talking with. Cameramen? “I will fucking lose it if he says anything to the guys”, she says. She starts feeling guilty about the other guys and their feelings. Meanwhile, at Testosterone Castle, Nick tells the guys he got “extra time” with her and that it was personal and intimate. He doesn’t say what happened, but Kaitlyn is soooo paranoid at this point that they will find out, that she is now a mess. Well,a BIGGER Mess than ever before.
STUPIDEST GROUP DATE OF ALL TIME:
Maybe its just because I have a dead husband and I had to see him in a casket – a vision I will never in my life get out of my head and one that is extremely unsettling for me – but this whole “lets pretend Kaitlyn is dead and have her lie in a casket” group date did not sit right with me.. I found it creepy and weird and not “fun and lighthearted” which apparently was her intention with it. Whatever. They all meet and Pimp Daddy takes them inside, where Kaitlyn is lying in a casket. He tells the guys that Kaitlyn is dead … for today, and this is her traditional Irish wake. They all stand around the casket and have to make up toasts to her life one by one, while she lay there trying not to laugh. Shawn gets big laughs when he toasts with: “I was devastated when I heard you took your own life, but I understand. I would have done the same thing if I had spent the whole day with Nick.” Ben with the Z initial, makes everyone leave while he gives his toast. He lost his mom years ago, so asking him to stare at Kaitlyn in a casket was probably not the greatest move on Kaitlyns part . He makes a serious speech. Everyone sings and claps to Irish music. Then there is an after party at Guinness. Ben gets alone with K, and they talk more and kiss. Jared and K also kiss and talk about their feelings. Shawn shows her pictures of his family. They kiss too. She gives the group rose to Jared, and Shawn freaks the fuck out emotionally because he is a whiny infant who needs constant validation. “I’m not sure where we are now, I didn’t get what I needed tonight”, he whines. Jared and Kaitlyn go into a nearby cathedral for more private time after he gets the rose. They dance to a live performance from The Cranberries, who sing “Linger.” They make out more, and she tells cameras “I will remember this forever.” Shawn is pouting and sobbing somewhere.
All the men are whining together about not getting the rose. Shawn gets up and leaves and the guys wonder where he is going. He goes into some store or something and starts telling someone his every emotion about Kaitlyn. Again, it’s not clear where he is or who the hell he is talking to, but he is going on and on, telling this person how Kaitlyn told him “You’re it, you’re the one” weeks ago during private time together. He flips out for no reason making all kinds of assumptions, and whining”Like, I can’t do this at all. I’m about to cry right now. I cant do this man.” He goes to her room later that night. “I just had to see you”. She thinks that he is there because he found out that she slept with Nick, because she is SO paranoid now about that. But he doesn’t know about that. Nope. This loon is crying because he didn’t get the stupid rose. Kaitlyn is shaking and sobbing into the camera all dramatically: “I never meant to hurt anyone. I made one stupid mistake . I don’t wanna do this anymore.” Drama!!!!!!!!!!!! End of episode ………
CONTINUED: Shawn goes to K’s hotel room to talk to her about not getting the rose over Jared. She thinks he is there because he knows about Nick. She is “shaking.” She tells him “you’re freaking me out.” He asks “Are you in love with me yes or no.” She says “I’m falling in love with you”, which is what every single bachelor/ette says on this show to 5 different people. He tells her “I’m having a hard time. A hard time. A really hard time. Just a hard time. I don’t know if I can do this.” Well, you can say “hard time” a few more times. She cries. He swallows really hard. They lean their heads on each other like Rain Man. She says “You have to decide if you can do this.” Wow. Comforting. She sends him away. To cameras: “This is tearing me up. I hope he doesn’t know I’ve been intimate with Nick. I feel so awful.” She cries and cries.
AWKWARD THREESOME:
JJ, Joe, and Kaitlyn go on the most awkward 2 on 1 date ever. JJ calls it”the biggest day of my recent life.” Your recent life? What the hell does that mean? They take a ferry-boat to a private island. They have an awkward picnic in silence until JJ randomly spills out his love for K right in front of Joe: “In the home of Bono, I want you to know I’m falling for you. So cheers to that.” The three of them toast JJ’s awful Bono analogy and admission of “falling ” for someone. Joe takes her aside for private time. “I can’t get enough of you cuz I’m falling in love with you.” They kiss in a gross fashion, and you can see Joe’s thick lazy tongue going in and out of her mouth. It’s really nasty. Kaitlyn’s hair looks like it hasn’t been washed since she did the nasty with Nick. Joe’s hair is just stupid. JJ takes K aside and chooses that moment to tell her the lovely story of how he cheated on his wife 3 years ago and lost his family and lost it all. He tells cameras that he is at peace and hopes to get the rose. K tells cameras “I feel sick. Shaking. ” She sends JJ home but tells Joe she needs more time with him before deciding if he gets the rose. JJ is left on the side of a mountain to cry. Joe and K kiss some more, and she gives him the rose. He goes back and tells the guys he is falling for her, and Shawn leaves the room yet again cuz he cant deal with life. He goes BACK to her hotel room yet again, and I swear, this is what he says: “So I’m here again tonight to explain why I was here last night.” WTF. How stupid are these people? K cries into cameras again because she STILL thinks that he is there to talk about Nick and their gross sex.
COCKTAIL PARTY MORONS:
Everyone feels unsettled during the cocktail party. Kaitlyn gives the worst toast on planet earth and none of the guys know what the fuck she is talking about. She is SO paranoid that Nick has told them about their sex, but he hasn’t, so she talks in innuendos and riddles and nobody has a clue what she means. “I’ve made many mistakes. I’m so emotional. I’m not perfect. I am shaking. ” Wow, great toast. The men are nervous now. Nick hints at the toast being about him but still doesn’t say anything specific. “My quality time with her was wonderful. ”
She has private time with Ben with an H initial, and calls him a “handsome devil.” They kiss and he gets all serious, telling her he knows something happened with Shawn. He is referring to Kaitlyn sneaking into Shawn and Ben’s room weeks ago and spending time with Shawn and telling him “you’re the one.” She is starting to regret saying that, because Shawn is obsessed with it.
K and Nick have private time again and she says I hope you haven’t told anyone about us and what happened. He said no. He also starts crying for no reason. “I’m really nervous. Scared to death”. He opens up to her apparently, although I cant figure out what the hell he is actually saying. There is more intense kissing.
She talks with Shawn AGAIN!!!!!! He stares into space and they have the dumbest dialogue ever. “I’m to blame.” “I don’t think you are.” ” I am.” “Right.” “No.” What??? Shawn “It’s just a bump in the road.” K: “I don’t know.” Me neither. I don’t know what the hell any of you are saying. I think being drunk is required to comprehend this show.
K talks to Pimp Daddy and tells him she keeps “taking 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.” Okay, calm down there, Paula Abdul. She says it will be a rough one tonight. Rose Ceremony happens. Tanner and Ben with a Z initial go home. Ben didn’t see it coming, and performs quite a lengthy monologue about his feelings outside to cameras. Kaitlyn says “I am shaking. I’m terrified. So terrified.”
Road Trip! While the remaining guys ride by bus, Kaitlyn takes Jared in her car on an adventure. They go to the Ireland countryside. They take selfies. She hits the curb over and over. She says it’s a metaphor for love. Gag. Meanwhile, Shawn is snoring on the bus filled with men. K and Jared end up at Blarney Castle and kiss the Blarney Stone at the top. Men arrive in the town of Kilarney. Dentist says “this town is my soul.” Again … gag. Later that night, K is resting in her hotel room , when Pimp Daddy knocks on her door.
He changes up the rules of the stupid game. Instead of meeting the families of 4 people, he wants K to narrow down her men from 6 to 3 next week, and then when it gets to final two, she will meet those families. He wants to move up the date of the Fantasy Suite dates, because he is into kinky things. He tells the men this, and they are all sitting way too close together.
I WANT TO BE A DENTIST:
Kaitlyn has one on one with the silly dentist. They take a helicopter ride to the Cliffs of Moher, where they set up a romantic picnic. Right away, it is pretty awkward. They are repeating things and have not much to say. She asks what life would be like for them together. He gives generic reply. “I cant believe you picked me for this,” he says, through his toothpaste commercial face. He asks her 2 times in a row: “How are you doing? Whats going on?” She burst into tears. “I don’t know if I see us together forever. You’re like, everything I want on the list of what I want but I don’t see it and I don’t know why.” He tries to convince her she is just nervous, but she has to spell it out for him that this is goodbye, Dentist. They say goodbye and she leaves him on top of a cliff alone. He cries like the biggest lunatic I’ve ever seen , rolling back and forth and grabbing his knees and wincing and sobbing loudly, then yelling at himself: “Come ON Chris!” He sobs and sobs and sobs. Just wait til he finds out about Nick ……..
NEXT WEEK: Everyone finally finds out about the gross Nick and Kaitlyn sex. The dentist gets a cavitiy and compares the experience to falling in love. Shawn tells a total stranger his life story. Pimp Daddy Harrison has gross sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite.
As we ramp up to the release of Terminator: Genisys, we continue to look back at the Terminator franchise with Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and Terminator Salvation. You can find our look back at Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day here.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Which one was this again?
Aside from being the one we dare not speak of, it’s the one that leaves you with a hand full of awful head shaking moments. There’s nothing redeeming about this movie until the end for two reasons. First, it mercifully releases you from the abominable kitsch and derivative action. Secondly, the nukes go off- the nukes go off – Skynet wins, and the crowd goes wild! Ahhhh!
What’s it about?
It’s about money. Clearly the studio was trying to squeeze all the residual juice from Arnold before he got too old play the Terminator. Wait – what?
What year is it?
2003. And if I told you Arnold wore a pukka shell necklace, I would be lying. But the movie’s so bad it’s conceivable that storyboards of this exist out there.
What’s Arnold doing?
Saving John Connor AND Kate Brewster, who turns out to be his future wife? T-800, you matchmaker.
Who’s he fighting?
The new T-X, (also called the Terminatrix, *sigh*) an enhanced battle chassis with a liquid metal exterior. It’s also a lady-bot with expandable boobs (*sigh again*). And I guess she’s got an arm-canon/flamethrower thing but she barely uses it in favor of tossing people like she’s in The Wolf of Wall Street.
Best Scene:
The film has a pretty impressive, big budget, practical effect-heavy action sequence involving a lot of huge trucks…
https://youtu.be/gu1ke8bHclA
But if we’re being honest, this is the best:
Terminator Aptitude Test:
Adequate. Both the T-800 and the T-X have some more sophisticated programming to help in their infiltration capabilities (see above re: boobs). Unfortunately, the T-X still thinks the best way to kill a human is to toss him around, rather than immediately crushing him in its robot hands.
Position on Time Travel:
A departure for the series (and Sarah Connor’s favorite motto “No fate but what you make”), the film posits that Judgment Day is inevitable, no matter what John Connor does to try and stop it. Nevertheless, both humans and robots feel the need to send agents back to try and alter the timeline, no matter how inevitable certain events are. The film itself causes a sort of time dilation anomaly, with its 109 minutes feeling like an eternity.
Terminator: Salvation (2009)
Which one was this again?
For years we’ve been teased about a future war where man and machine duke it out. We’ve seen glimpses of machines crushing skulls with their feet, purple rocket blasts, and Mad Max cars making a cameo – it looks awesome. They’ve been teasing us about it for three movies like an imminent dessert if we finished our vegetables (aka T3). Well this is it – dessert time. Society has crumbled, rusted out cars litter the road, and robots are hunting us. It’s awesome!
(Note: there is dispute among those writing this as to how awesome this movie actually is.)
What’s it about?
Marcus Wright, a convicted felon on death row, donates his body to science and wakes from the dead 15 years later in a post-apocalyptic hellhole. He meets up with Kyle Reese (John Connor’s pop-pop, for those unfamiliar) and the two become friends heading towards the Resistance headquarters until Reese is captured and taken to Skynet headquarters. Marcus meets a Resistance fighter who takes him to their Headquarter where we find out he’s (sort of-kind of) a robot – dum Dum DUM! Marcus ends up escaping their capture heading toward skynet to find Kyle who John Connor is also keen on saving – if not solely to save his own creation.
When he arrives he learns that his true mission all along was to lure John Connor to them so that they might defeat him. He’s the Termi-bait-or……I’ll let myself out.
What year is it?
2018
What’s Arnold doing?
Depending on how you look at it, either lying in wait in a foggy cubicle ready to rumble in the third act, or sipping Mai Tais in Santa Monica counting the money he made off his digital likeness.
Who’s he fighting?
Replacing Arnold with Sam in this – he’s fighting Skynet robots, trying to not fight Resistance humans, and eventually battling a stripped down (to his “bones”) Arnold.
Best Scene:
Again I’m gonna cheat (don’t play cards with me) and merge the scene where people are getting snatched up by a claw machine’s ideal body and the scene where Kyle Reese and Marcus Wright are fleeing sentient crotch rockets.
Terminator Aptitude Test:
Off the charts. Sam Worthington is so good doesn’t even know he’s a robot. The only problem is that Skynet forgot to tell him that he was the bad robot in this film. But in terms of Terminators he’s easily the most personable, he’s so human that he’s able to get a Resistance fighter to free him.
Position on Time Travel:
Terminator: Salvation doesn’t actually feature time travel in its main plot. Unless you count Sam Worthington traveling to the future, at a regular pace, while unconscious.
Suits fans rejoice! USA Network has announced a sixth season renewal of the network’s hit corporate law firm drama.
Coming off a strong season five premiere, Chris McCumber, President of USA Network, announced a 16-episode season six renewal. “Suits has set the bar high in every way and continues to be a strong performer and marquee property for USA,” McCumber said in a statement. “From the incredible on-screen performances and brilliant writing to the aspirational lifestyle portrayed, we look forward to continuing to bring viewers into the world of Suits every week.”
“Suits has delivered a smart and sexy roller coaster ride for five seasons,” said Jeff Wachtel, Chief Content Officer, NBCUniversal Cable Entertainment and President, Universal Cable Productions. “Aaron Korsh has some great surprises for the audience at the end of Season 5 that should really set future seasons on an exciting new course.”
In preparation for the upcoming release of Terminator: Genisys, we’re taking a look back at the Terminator franchise, starting with The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
The Terminator (1984)
Which one was this again?
The one that started it all, the one that launched James Cameron’s career, and the one that made Arnold Schwarzenegger a household name.
What’s it about?
A sentient machine system has revolted against humanity in the future, and sends a terminator back in time to assassinate Sarah Connor, the mother of the future leader of the human resistance. The humans, meanwhile, send back Kyle Reese to protect her.
What year is it?
1984.
What’s Arnold doing?
Trying to kill Sarah Connor.
Who’s he fighting?
Just plain old humans.
Best Scene:
Sarah’s first encounter with the Terminator in the Tech Noir club, a scene that has a little bit of everything: tension, action, a bit of style, and the first taste of the unstoppable death machine that is the terminator.
https://youtu.be/3DI-2J88V5k
Terminator Aptitude Test:
Poor. The Terminator, designed as an infiltration and assassination unit, has an unsophisticated, brute force and telephone-book-based approach to finding its targets. Also, it’s eyebrows spontaneously disappear at one point, which really makes it difficult to blend in.
Position on Time Travel:
“No fate but what you make.” Both sides are sending back agents to try and alter the timeline on their favor, paradoxes be damned.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Which one was this again?
The best one, without a doubt. This is the movie that defined the franchise. It’s also the one with the liquid metal T-1000.
What’s it about?
The Terminator is back! But this time he’s the good guy – saving John Connor, scaring the crap out of his mom and looking badass on a Harley. (Although I’m gonna miss that station wagon from the first one.)
What year is it?
1991.
What’s Arnold doing?
It didn’t take much to realize that Arnold was the best part of the first movie, so he’s the good guy now. He’s protecting a young John Connor and learning the nuances of human social interaction.
Who’s he fighting?
The T-1000. A creation that can maybe probably be attributed to an assumed epidemic of mercury poisonings throughout the 90s. Oh and a bunch of cops and swat officers – but he can’t kill them, so instead he’ll unload a minigun at their cars and not hit a single one. Because science.
Best Scene:
Boy, it’s really hard to pick a best scene in this one. If you wanted to cheat (and I do) you could pick the scene where John and the Terminator break Sarah out of the psych ward and the T-1000 chases them out of the building on to the streets thereby combining two awesome scenes in one.
Although, Will would undoubtedly think that this is his absolute most favorite scene from the movie/his childhood, and it in no way shape or form gave him nightmares:
Terminator Aptitude Test:
Satisfactory. The T-1000 is much better at both infiltrating (read: it knows to smile occasionally) and assassination (stabbing, rather than just tossing people around). John Connor, meanwhile, is teaching the T-800 how to be more human.
https://youtu.be/xHRqgxA8wZs
Position on Time Travel:
Similar to the first, both humans and machines send back agents to try to alter the timeline of events. Knowing their fate, however, Sarah and John try their best to stop Judgment Day from ever happening in the first place.
“Magic Mike XXL”
Directed by Gregory Jacobs Written by Reid Carolin Starring Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Kevin Nash, Gabriel Iglesias, Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriguez, Donald Glover, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vicky Vox, Carrie Anne Hunt, Crystal Hunt, Juan Piedrahita, Amber Heard, Stephen Boss, Luke Broadlick, Michael Strahan, Andie MacDowell, Elizabeth Banks Rated R Grade: ***1/2 out of ****
Audiences were given a treat three years ago when Magic Mike exposed itself to theatergoers. While the target audience received their expected fan-service in grinding beefcakes and bulging biceps, they also experienced a very honest, down-to-earth film from veteran director Steven Soderbergh whose films include the three Ocean’s Eleven films, Traffic and the great Out of Sight.
The film, produced on a $7 million dollar bare bones budget, was acclaimed by critics and went on to gross over $160 million dollars worldwide.
Three years later, Magic Mike XXL finds the titular character (Channing Tatum) as a successful small business owner, running the custom furniture store he envisioned in the original film. While it’s far from perfect (he can’t afford to pay his help medical benefits and the business is growing faster than he can keep up), Mike lives a relatively happy life. It isn’t until he gets a call from “Tarzan” (Kevin Nash) telling him that “Dallas” (an absentee Matthew McConaughey) has passed away that he decides to have a reunion with his old friends.
As it turns out, Dallas isn’t really dead. He just took Adam (an also absentee Alex Pettyfer) and decided to peddle his wares overseas. Added to this, the death ruse is a shrewd chance for the former “Cock-Rockin’ Kings of Tampa” to pitch Mike an idea: one final hurrah before they all move on to greener pastures. At first, Mike isn’t enthused by the idea, having settled into a “normal” life with Brooke (Cody Horn, also invisible to the film) and his business. After a night of realization and rediscovering his passion for dance, Mike hops aboard a converted food truck with his mates and they all head for a giant Floridian “Stripper Convention” which we all know exists for the sake of the film.
There might be a complaint or two that the film has no real point. That analysis would be as dismissive as they come and a gross error. There’s an old saying that “the journey is the reward,” and that’s probably the perfect way to describe Magic Mike XXL. It’s delightfully unpretentious and just as honest as the first film. Whereas the first film was about an overgrown boy who became an adult in the most suspect environment, this film revels in the good times and nostalgia without seeing the characters we love overdose or have an accident with a weapon or some tragic mishap that comes standard with your usual road film.
Instead, we learn that Mike’s crew are, in fact, just like Mike with the same lofty aspirations and pipe dreams. Tito (Adam Rodriguez) is running a yogurt shop with Tobias (Gabriel Iglesias) while Tarzan has an affinity for oil painting and Ken (Matt Bomer) is a positive life coach.
Even when they’re in character, their intentions are (mostly) noble. At one point, Mike tells Richie (Joe Manganiello) that he wants new material for the show because, let’s face it, everything they used to do was programmed into them by Dallas. Mike envisions the crew going out like a legendary rock band that plays their greatest hits with epic pomp and circumstance. Richie is unconvinced with Mike’s idea and disagrees. He likes the familiar and he enjoys his routine. Mike explains to Richie that they’re in the business of “making women smile” and taking them out of their dull love lives:
“I saw a girl at a party who was with her boyfriend, some guy who looked like he wasn’t giving it to her well enough…and I got up there and started to grind…the whole time, I was imagining what I wanted to do to her…and that was ‘Pony’.”
It’s here that Richie undergoes a transformation and rediscovery of his own — in a way that I cannot and will not spoil simply because it’s one of the best moments in the film and also sets the tone for the rest of it.
The film is directed by Soderbergh understudy Gregory Jacobs who has the unenviable task of filling Soderbergh’s shoes — but does his level best giving us the look and feel of one of his films. Florida’s sun-drenched hues and vividly-colored nightclubs look just as striking as a girl’s night in a secluded trust-fund mansion that screams the word “money”.
It’s a film that’s aware that it lacks a master at the helm or Matthew McConaughey’s larger-than-life personality — but makes up for it with a brilliant team effort and a spirited emcee replacement in “Rome” (played with welcome Girl Power Feminist gusto by Jada Pinkett-Smith), the owner of a Savannah dance hall who Mike new in his previous years.
This all culminates in a big, throbbing, bombastic climax in front of hundreds of women in a hotel convention hall and that finale, by itself, is worth the price of admission, delivering more thrills in ten minutes than Fifty Shades of Grey did in one film and four books.
Overall, Magic Mike XXL feels like a giant party you were extremely fortunate to be invited to. It’s one where the host and his friends actually enjoy your company and leave you with a very content smile on your face.
In our last episode of Total Divas, (‘”Feuding Funkadactyls”) (MATT: AKA, “Women Be Trippin’ Because One Refused to Be Shoppin'”), the Divas learned their expectations would often be quite different from their reality:
Natalya expected her homecoming match in Calgary would be just one of many highlights of a fantastic birthday week. Not only was she booked in a losing tag team match and mocked by both her opponents and Michael Cole, but everything else that week was awful, also. Her fiance, Tyson, abandoned her at a hotel to go stay with his mom in her one-bedroom house. His family insisted she spend every free second with them (and yet she strangely didn’t see any members of her own family in her alleged hometown) and her friend, Jaret, (who she’d obviously friend-zoned years before) didn’t take the hint and took her out for a birthday meal, reserving an entire restaurant to do so to flaunt his huge wallet and try to win her away from Tyson. (MATT: The dude’s ridiculed for being an adult and treating her to a nice dinner on her birthday?!)
Nikki expected that she’d be able to visit her grandmother in her hometown without seeing her alcoholic dad who was in and out of her life after her parents’ divorce. After prodding from Brie and boyfriend, John Cena, she (along with Brie and their brother) did meet with him. His words sounded sincere about wanting to mend fences between them but his tone wasn’t. It’s kinda hard to sound sincere with cameras a few feet from your face, I guess.
All the remaining Divas (Cameron, Naomi, JoJo and Eva Marie) expected they could have a fun drama-free day at go-kart racing (MATT: Divas like go-karting. It balances out all the boutique openings they have to show for.), but who the heck are they kidding? It’s a reality show! Cameron set the tone by insisting she would win, which she did, and then she went crazy when the other girls weren’t congratulating her with gusto. Cameron and Naomi got into a verbal confrontation which escalated into a shoving match when the real basis of their arguing was their teamwork in the ring. Both Divas think they could succeed on their own, are given a chance by Stephanie McMahon in separate singles matches and predictably fall flat on their faces. Physically, in Naomi’s case.
So in “Diva Las Vegas” will the Diva’s expectations of Vegas and Bachelorette parties be accurate? We’ll find out. As usual Matt Perri will be here to reluctantly sit through this with me to give his observations.
XL Center in Hartford, CT for MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Backstage JoJo is admiring Justin Gabriel doing his pre-match stretches. JoJo, with her figurative Siamese Twin, Eva Marie, next to her,asks Chris Jericho if Justin is single. (MATT: Jesus, really? Nobody’s been interested in Justin Gabriel. Do these two have some sort of weekly Perv quote to fill?) Chris says he doesn’t know but, starts taunting JoJo for her crush on him. “You should write him a note and write check this box if you like JoJo on it”, he advises. (MATT: What are we, girlfriends here?)
INTRO.
Backstage As Team Hell No beats up The Shield in the ring, Eva Marie and JoJo watch Daniel Bryan give a kiss to Brie backstage. JoJo is obviously jealous. “He’s the greatest man in the whole world,” Brie says. “I never thought I’d date in the business but I love it.” The girls laugh about the fact that Brie wasn’t wearing nonsmearing lipstick so Daniel probably has some still on him. If Brie does have a hookup for bright red lipstick that stays red on lips and doesn’t kiss off on a boyfriend she needs to text me the details, I have this same issue.
JoJo and Justin are talking privately. She shows him photos of her in dresses on her phone, (MATT: Every single guy loves to do this with a girl he’s just met, let me tell ya’.) He compliments one of the dresses and JoJo, suddenly a giant ditz, says he’s “bad”. JoJo is clearly over her recent breakup with her first boyfriend. “Sebastian was the love of my life,” she tells the camera. (MATT: We get about eight seconds of Sebastian flashbacks here which was about the same amount of time he was on the show.) JoJo says she misses him but she needs to live life. (MATT: She can start by actually being on the show.) JoJo is targeting Gabriel because it’s best to get over someone by getting under someone. AMIRITE LADIES???
Anyhow, JoJo of all people suddenly has a storyline. We can’t have that, so Eva Marie shows up to interrogate them about how long they’ve been talking and leaves them with the outdated, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do” line. This, coming from a woman who disobeyed WWE brass about her hair, then lied to them about what she was capable of doing on-stage and was also ready to cheat on her fiancee to get in as Fandango’s valet. Strange girl. Eva Marie puts on her Dear Abby hat and tells the camera, “I’m worried that she’s single, yes, but not ready to mingle yet.”
WWE Main Event
Backstage (MATT: Gabriel wrestles on Main Event, but the editing tries to make us believe he was booked for RAW. Against Curt Hawkins. Nobody’s buying this.) Eva Marie and JoJo are watching Justin’s match against the now-fired Curt Hawkins. Even though Justin’s been around for five episodes and they just met five minutes ago, JoJo says she wants to invite Justin to their apartment housewarming party. The girls are gooey over Gabriel, fawning over him and his finishing move. They’re so into Justin’s victory and their conversation that Michael Hayes is able to sneak up on them and (MATT: Perv on them.) startle them.
TAMPA, FL
WWE Training Facility The Bellas are training with the Funkadactlys. Natalya shows up and says she’s been stressed by wedding planning. Nikki offers to plan the Bachelorette party. “My plan is to get Nattie to loosen up with some half naked men, champagne and Vegas is the best place for it,” she tells the camera. Natalya is worried about the “naked men” and freaks over what Tyson will say. (MATT: Actually, he’ll have to consult his Mom before he tells Nattie what he thinks.) Nikki reassures Nattie that nobody will put their “private parts” on her. (MATT: It takes all of Nikki’s willpower not to say “cock” or something equally x-rated here.) Nattie, who was born yesterday, buys it. Nikki swears it will be PG-13 and Natalya decides to believe her and change the topic.
She fills them in on her date with Jaret (MATT: You mean…SHE WENT TO JARET??? OW!!! STOP HITTING ME!!!) — including his declaration of love. As it turns out, Jaret has been invited to the wedding. Brie states the obvious and says this “could be a problem”. Natalya blows it off as they are surrounded by hot guys in tight clothing all day. Naomi, showing some rare wisdom, asks “Do you think you just enjoy the attention he’s paying you as TJ is kind of neglecting you a little bit?”
Eva Marie & JoJo’s Apartment Eva Marie puts magical guy-magnet Bronzer on JoJo who freaks out, hoping Justin doesn’t show up first. Thankfully, JoJo gets her wish. The Bellas, Naomi and Jimmy Uso show up first. Nikki breaks the bottom off her plastic wine glass and because she can’t help herself, criticizes Eva and JoJo for their selection of “cheap ass wine”. Both newbies say they don’t drink. Brie chides them for not having good options for the veteran wrestlers who do. Nikki reveals that Daniel Bryan doesn’t like to see Brie drink crazy levels of alcohol because she gets so insane, she actually has a nickname for it: “BRIE MODE”. Nikki says they will definitely see that in Vegas as we get the backstory.
Justin, Nattie and Cameron finally arrive. Natalya confesses to Nikki that she and TJ are the ONLY people each has ever dated or slept wiht. Nikki is really shocked by this. “No wonder you feel certain ways,” Nikki replies.
(MATT: We get your usual drunken party montage here. Bellas drinking, Naomi clocks Jimmy with a cookie sheet…then Nattie twerks for TJ. Nattie. Twerking. Just letting you know that happened.)
Cameron, Eva Marie, and Natalya are discussing Justin with JoJo. Though he is older than her, they think he might be good for her. (MATT: They’ve talked backstage and Justin showed up for the party. They’re perfect together.) Cameron says she “loves her some older guys”, and recounts the time she dated a guy 21 years older than she was.
JoJo takes Justin on a “tour of the apartment”. (MATT: Yes, a grand tour of 900 square feet.) They go to Eva Marie’s room to make out like we’re in the 7th grade. (MATT: This was like watching a gay guy kissing a lesbian woman.) Everyone at the party can see them kissing. Eva Marie says on camera “She’s 19 and they’re in different stages in life. I just don’t think two worlds mix.” (MATT: What “worlds”? They’re in the same business.)
CLEARWATER, FL
Island Way Grill Seven seconds later, JoJo and Justin are on their first date (MATT: Just in case you thought they were stopping this storyline at the apartment party with shitty wine.) Justin orders wine for himself, then realizes JoJo can’t legally drink. So Justin informs the waiter that she’s under 21 and orders her a Virgin Daiquiri to her great embarrassment. (MATT: What a guy.) Because they have so much in common, they talk about salad. Justin dismisses the idea of salad as rabbit food, which causes JoJo to tell him that she has a small rabbit named “Baby”. (MATT: What? Where is she keeping a rabbit? Does the apartment have a petting zoo I didn’t see?) She shows him a picture of it on her phone while Justin does his best not to look bored, but fails miserably, visibly cringing. (MATT: I can just see WWE brass – “LOOK, JUSTIN…WE PAID FOR JOJO AND SHE NEEDS A STORYLINE. TAKE HER TO A SHITTY STEAKHOUSE AND LOOK AT THE FUCKING RABBIT.”) JoJo takes the leftovers of her dinner — including her salad — to go. Then, Justin tells the waiter that she has a rabbit because he’s on such a roll with the charm. There’s no food in front of Justin at all. So, either he’s a vampire, or he wolfed everything down to speed this along. I’d like to think he just drank wine all night to drown out JoJo. (MATT: There isn’t enough wine in the world to deal with JoJo.)
TAMPA, FL
Mosh Posh Designer Consigner Cena and Nikki are shopping for Natalya’s bachelorette gift at, what Nikki calls, the “high end vintage boutique”. As they are looking at purses, Nikki tells Cena that Nattie and TJ have never been with anyone else. Cena’s like “Ok” and really doesn’t care. (MATT: Say what you want about Cena — the dude is as level-headed as they come.) Nikki is confused with his reaction, the concept is so foreign to her. When Nikki says her family “would do backflips if I was like that.” Cena, suddenly and visibly disturbed by the sudden realization that Nikki’s slept with a lot of dudes, asks if he’s supposed to ask how many men she has been with. Cena jokes that he hopes it’s between 1 and 1000. Nikki is appalled and refuses to give him a number.
Cameron’s Apartment Cameron is packing for the bachelorette party and asks her boyfriend Vincent to help her find the green sports bra top. She tells him she’s going to the party and will be seeing Chippendales. “You’re gonna be partying, having fun and I’ll be stuck over here,” he says as if she’s going to lock him in the apartment with nothing but bread and water and a marathon of Lifetime movies. He suggests he should go and she tells him all the people going male and female are in WWE. “Me and Eva are the only ones who have boyfriends who are not in the business so, her boyfriend isn’t going, either,” she says.On camera, she says “with this job there are just some things that he can’t come to.”
LAS VEGAS, NV
Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
(MATT: VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!)JoJo, fully clothed, climbs a stripper pole in the shower to show off for Justin who turns on cold water to tease her. JoJo who has been on all of one date with Justin says on camera that she is smitten with him and that “he and I would make some beautiful babies.” (MATT: By the way, why is there a stripper pole in the shower?) Natalya tells the camera that everyone came to celebrate and the guys came to help Tyson celebrate. (MATT: Nobody knows why there was a stripper pole in the shower?) Cena, who didn’t want to sleep in a bed with sheets that had a low thread count in a place with less than 14 bedrooms, is conspicuously absent. This being the case, I can’t see why Vincent wasn’t allowed to come out there. (MATT: Nobody is gonna answer the question about the weird shower stripper pole?)
The Divas all check out the suite which appears to be bigger than the apartment Matt and I share.(MATT: Doesn’t have a stripper pole in the shower, sadly enough.)The Bellas give Natalya a Bachelorette sash, overly large engagement ring prop necklace, “a condom for later and a whip to whip TJ into shape.”
Cameron asks Brie if she will see Brie Mode as she has never seen it, Brie says it’ll happen on Friday but to not say it so loud that Daniel hears because he hates when she drinks excessively. (MATT: WWE – We turn a blind eye to irresponsible drinking and alcoholism. Don’t bully people, kids.)
Palms Casino Resort – Poolside The girls are in bikinis. (MATT: Eva’s in a white string bikini. All criticism of this show is invalid.) Nikki is hanging out with Natalya when the latter reveals Jaret has been texting her (asking about her day, her bachelorette party, etc.) Nikki tells both Natalya and the camera these texts seem too flirty. Nikki says if she was about to marry Cena, she wouldn’t respond to the texts.Despite claiming it’s harmless, Natalya doesn’t want Nikki to tell anyone about these “innocent” text messages. (MATT: Nikki finally gets a vagina line here – “He wants to see your pink…and I don’t mean your gear.” Ugh…)
Eva Marie and JoJo are sunbathing and are dismayed to see Justin in the pool talking to a woman in a string bikini. “Justin likes me because he wouldn’t be coming at me the way he is if he didn’t,” JoJo tells the camera in complete denial. In all fairness to Justin, not only could he not bring JoJo to bars, gamble with her, or do other similar activities for two years with her, but she’s glued to Eva Marie the entire episode.
Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite Everyone is cheering on Natalya as she does a shot. Naomi asks if she will see Brie Mode and is disappointed to hear it won’t be that night. Tyson offers a sweet to toast to Natalya as someone who has kept him calm, sane and still with the WWE. (MATT: Pseudo-nepotism, baby!) The girls kick the boys out to get ready to see The Chippendales show. Nikki says they will see that show, have champagne and do and other fun things in Vegas. “Nattie is in for the wildest ride of her life,” says Nikki who, moments ago, criticized Nattie for flirting with another guy.
El Rio Hotel – Chippendales Show At first, Nikki is screaming and waving a towel like it’s her bachelorette party. Natalya gets brought on stage by a dancer (most likely due to her sash) and is tied up with a long lasso as they are doing a western themed song. The men unzip their jeans and flash their butts and their penises to Nattie and the adoring crowd.
Palms Casino Resort – Lobby JoJo is pissed because she’s under 21 which makes Vegas as useless as a museum to Helen Keller. Eva’s her mirror twin and doesn’t drink “for personal reasons” so she’s the perfect foil for JoJo to hang with. In order to advance the plot, They come across Justin drinking with a pretty brunette and then he leaves with said Brunette in a cab — not knowing JoJo or Eva saw it. JoJo, who needs a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” complains, “He’s stupid now…he doesn’t know what’s going on.” JoJo proclaims that they’re done. (MATT: Justin may get the cheap, hot sex he’s looking for…but he’ll never find another rabbit-owning woman like JoJo.)
Random Bar Brie is drinking and dancing and Naomi is in pig heaven, happy she’s finally seeing Brie Mode, which is comprised of dancing while drinking. (MATT: How unique. I’ve seen wilder behavior at Christian fundraisers.) The girls dance sexy and everyone is having a great time. Nikki even falls off a couch, spilling her drink everywhere and gets right back up for more fun.
Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite Nattie and Brie are beyond drunk and Jaret is texting Nattie again and Nattie tells Brie all about it: “Don’t hate me but I don’t know what it is about Jaret, I feel like I should text him back, and Nicole told me not to text him back, but I already have.” Brie is frustrated as this is Natalya’s bachelorette party (MATT: Or, “batcheret par-e” as the Brie Mode pronunciation dictates.) and that, by texting with Jaret, she may be risking her relationship with Tyson. “I wanted this fairy tale wedding and now I’m scared,” Natalya confesses. Brie compares Jaret to the Chippendales and how both the dancers and Jaret make you feel very wanted after being in a long term relationship with someone who knows you well. I think what she’s getting at is, the distractions are nice but the loving relationship you have is the real prize, and if so that’s great advice.
Palms Casino Resort – Brie and Daniel’s Room Brie decides to go back to her hotel room, still very drunkat 4 AM. She means to sneak in but she can’t get the door open, so she has to wake Bryan to open the door. Thinking she got away with being in Brie Mode, (MATT: I wish everyone would stop saying that.) she shows off a tuxdeo thong she has for him and she puts fuzzy red handcuffs on him, he seems more tired and mad. He says he will scream if she doesn’t take them off. (MATT: Brie Mode!)
Hours later, he tells her it’s time to get up as he’s been up (but it still in bed wrapped around her) for an hour. She says her head hurts, as she was in Brie Mode. (MATT: YES, BRIE MODE!) Bryan points out that he wasn’t stupid and that he knows she was drunk. He further adds, “When you’re in Brie Mode, you’re not discreet about being drunk.” He tells her that as they’re in Vegas for a Bachelorette Party so he’s fine with her getting drunk — but he doesn’t have any sympathy for her hangover headache even shaking her head a bit too forcefully to be just playful.
Nova Italiano Everyone is there for a big celebratory dinner and Justin is seated next to JoJo. (MATT: STORYLINE MODE.) She says Justin came to talk to her, yet he’s on his phone, possibly sexting the brunette from last night more than focusing on her or anyone at dinner. He leads her, holding her hand to go talk. She says he’s confusing her. He tells JoJo that she’s “beautiful” and “so talented”. (MATT: Is he even watching the same show we are?! I don’t even think JoJo believes what he just said.) He says the age gap isn’t bothering him but it’s there and he can’t get over it. (MATT: So…it bothers him then?) Having lost two boyfriends in 20 minutes over 6 episodes, JoJo goes off to sulk and contemplate the ruin her entire 19-year life on this planet has become.
Palm Casino Resort – Nikki’s Hotel Room Brie is reading a dirty magazine and is stunned to realize she was in Nikkis’ bed (Nikki has two twin beds) and Nikki still had a vibrator there. The vibrator falls to the floor, Nikki says she will have to wash it off, and Brie complains she already took a shower that day. (MATT: WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?!)
Palm Casino Resort – Cameron’s Hotel Room Naomi comes over to Cameron’s room because plot reasons and is jealous that Cameron’s room is bigger and has a beautiful bathroom with a view. Cameron shares that Vincent called to say he’s en route by plane. Vincent knocks on the door and is unhappy to see him or even kiss him. She lies and says she’s happy to see him and then tells the camera that he has too much energy for this trip. This won’t end well.
Simon (Restaurant) Everyone is there for the final night of the bachelorette party. The Bellas give very different toasts. Brie toasts a long relationship that will be made official but is already official in their hearts and the chance to celebrate with them. Nikki toasts orgasms and boners. (MATT: Downright tame for Nikki.)
A cake, made to resemble a male torso with a yellow thong, is out for Nattie. Natalya pretends to take the thong off with her teeth. That part of the cake is removed and passed around the table. Despite it being a cake and not a real person, Vincent tells Cameron not to touch it.The waiters bring out large bowls of cotton candy. Vincent acts like a kid and plays with the cotton candy, barfing it at Cameron and trying to put it around her neck. The rest of the partysomehow look visibly uncomfortable. (MATT: You can’t blame Vincent. It’s hard to know where the line is after boner toasts and stripper cakes.)
Ghostbar Everyone — minus Eva Marie and JoJo — go out to drink more. Vincent is drinking shots and mixed drinks. Cameron is concerned. “You get crazy when you drink like this,” she warns him. Vincent’s in VINCENT MODE and decides to make drunk confessions, telling Natalya and Tyson that he didn’t want to cause problems for her at work by showing up and that he’d have Jimmy’s back whenever he wanted. Cameron and Vincent fight over a stain on Cameron’s dress, claiming he spilled a drink on her. She takes him out of the club as she’s embarassed, he keeps trying to cheer her up and says he’s not drunk but he obviously is.
(MATT: Brie, of all people, is NOT happy with seeing VINCENT MODE because it’s only sexy when SHE gets drunk and acts like an idiot.)
Natalya says this trip has given her perspective: she loves Tyson and knows there is nothing they can’t get through.
This week’s hug goes to – JoJo – Though it was practically physically painful to watch her pine for Justin who thought of her as a fun kid at best, this was something she needed to experience. When she heals from this and she will, sooner than she thinks, it will be time to use this knowledge to find a man who likes her for who she is and not just as she’s one of many pretty girls at work.
This weeks’ punch goes to – Natalya – I get many people have some doubts as their wedding day looms closer, and in many cases this is just normal fear and doesn’t mean the couple should call it off. Yet, instead of talking to Tyson about her doubts, she let Jaret take too much head space and space in her phone. If she means it that Tyson is her everything, she should block Jaret’s number, disinvite him from the wedding and vow to treat Tyson like the great finace he is.
MATT’S HUG: John Cena and Daniel Bryan. These two are way too good for either girl. Also, Eva. Because Eva’s hot. And I just hugged Cena and Bryan so I have to prove I’m a MAN by liking EVA!
MATT’S ANNOYED AT: Just about everyone else. Nattie’s naive, Nikki and Brie are hypocritical and spoiled assholes, Cameron is annoying, JoJo doesn’t belong anywhere near this show, and every single made-up plotline has no heat or suspense.
We are two weeks from Battleground and it looks as though The Authority is on the same page as Seth Rollins as he looks to defend the title against Brock Lesnar. Smackdown proved to be a fairly solid show which is ironic since last Monday’s RAW was a dud.
Let’s see if RAW recovers…
We begin with clips from LAST MONDAY, scored by Emotional Theme #87 From Full House.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Washington, D.C. for Monday Night RAW!!!
JBL, Cole and Saxton are your guys on the mics.
Rollins comes out to the ring with Kane and J&J Security. Rollins says that Washington is obsessed with power. He says he took power last week when he conquered “The Conqueror” last week. John Cena and The Undertaker couldn’t do that, he says. He burned Suplex City to the ground. He says that Brock isn’t here tonight. He’s going to Japan for the big WWE show. Rollins says that Brock injured Jamie Noble by breaking three of his ribs. But Jamie’s here with us tonight because he’s braver than everyone in the arena and he wouldn’t miss any of this for the world.
Rollins says he has gifts for each one of them. He lifts a red velvet blanket off a table and there are three Apple Watches. They all wear them. Rollins asks them what they think. Noble’s totally stoked. Rollins says that he “broke Lesnar” and asks for #BrokenBeast to trend on Twitter which even JBL has trouble repeating. Rollins says he is giving Kane something special for all his hard work all these long years: a trip to Hawaii. He calls down a hula dancer and a dude playing the ukelele. (DANIELLE: What is this, “The Price is Right”?!) Kane is totally thankful and says he’s always wanted to relax on a beach and think of what animal he’d like to toss into a volcano. Rollins says that they’re gonna send Kane off in style tonight with a great tag match for the ages. (DANIELLE: Doesn’t Kane outrank Rollins? Isn’t he a director? Why is he giving his boss permission to go on vacation?)
But, there’s more, which is GREAT since I wanted to watch 10 more minutes of whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Rollins says that J&J are going to travel in style from here on out. He points to some random blonde chick in a black dress. She ushers in a brand-new Cadillac CTS. J&J give Rollins a group head as we get a modified version of The Dating Game theme. Rollins follows them down the ramp and describes how awesome this car is. Rollins goes over the specs which includes a nice engine, leather interior and (DANIELLE: “…uh…technology and stuff…”) a sun roof which Mercury puts his body through.
Rollins thanks Kane and J&J as Rollins screams how awesome the last 17 minutes has been. J&J honk the horn loudly.
Big Show’s music hits…and…I guess we’re having a match after ALL of that. Mark Henry heads to the ring.
MATCH #1: Big Show vs. Mark Henry Miz is on commentary because, remember? He’s still a part of the Show/Ryback feud for some reason. Show boots Henry in the head and punches him in the corner. Henry kicks at Show and knocks him down with a huge clothesline. Henry boots Show to the mat and headbutts him. Henry hits a weak-looking Warrior Splash and gets a two count. Henry kicks at Show but Show stands up and nails Henry with the KO Punch to win this at 1:24. WINNER: Big Show via KO Punch
RATING: DUD. The review speaks for itself.
Post-match, Ryback runs down to the ring and attacks Show, knocking him from the ring. Miz attacks Ryback right after this and then runs away when Ryback chases him. Ryback says they have a match later but he wants Miz in the ring NOW.
Commercial.
MATCH #2: The Miz vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Ryback (non-title) Miz runs away which never fucking gets old. Ryback chases him back into the ring and slams him to the mat which Miz half-sells and nearly snaps himself in half. Ryback beats him in a couple corners before Miz regains control with fists to his head. Ryback goes for a delayed suplex and holds Miz upside down for nearly a minute. Ryback marches around and finally drops him, getting two. Miz bails from the ring and tries to go into the crowd but Ryback grabs him and tosses him into the crowd barricade. Ryback drags Miz into the ring and Miz quickly hits a DDT, getting two. He hits a running boot to Ryback’s face, getting two. Neckbreaker. Two count. Miz kicks at Ryback who grabs the foot of Miz and then just runs him over twice, hitting a Spinebuster after two shoulderblocks. Ryback tries for a Meat Hook but Miz runs off and…ok, the match just stops at a count of like 5 because The Miz isn’t even worth a full countout these days. Mark it at 5:26. WINNER: Ryback via countout
RATING: *. A 20-minute QVC spot followed by two matches featuring a weak feud that’s so vaporous, it makes Reigns and Wyatt look important. This is gonna be a long night. That said, Ryback is over as he’s ever been, so that’s good.
Oh lord…the fucking Bellas are in the ring and we didn’t even get the Nikki twirl to make it worthwhile.
MATCH #3: Paige vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Brie Bella & WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella) Paige hits a couple of Snap Mares and an arm bar. Page hits a drop toehold off a whip. Fox comes back with a slap to Paige and punches. She rams Paige into the buckle. Paige comes back and punches Fox who dashes from the ring. Paige chases but gets distracted by THEBELLABRAND™. Fox wallops her from behind and — a BREAK?! For THIS match?! After the break, Fox is “complete control” of this compelling feud. She kicks Paige in the head and gets two. Long headlock and Paige breaks, hitting a Spinning Backbreaker for a fall that Paige botches by kicking out late. Fox elbows Paige in the head and it’s another headlock spot. Paige busts free and hits a running knee, followed by several others in the corner. Paige hits clotheslines and a Superkick. Two count. The Bellas have had enough and try for a distraction. Fox rolls her up for the pin — but Paige reverses to get the win at 9:35. WINNER: Paige
RATING: **1/4. Match of the night if you can believe it. Fox and Paige are perfectly matched here.
TONIGHT: Ambrose & Reigns vs. Rollins and Kane in a No-DQ Match.
John Cena comes out to the ring, saying that the Open Challenge is on — but Kevin Owens’ music hits. Owens gets in the ring as Garcia starts to announce the match. Owens goes outside and grabs a mic. He says he’s gonna wait until Battleground. He promises to beat Cena…but, maybe, somebody else will be first…and Cesaro’s music hits.
MATCH #4: John Cena (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship
We get a headlock by both guys as Owens joins the commentary team. Cesaro hits a powerslam in stride. Two count. Another long headlock spot. Cena breaks but Cesaro his a backbreaker for two. Gut Wrench by Cesaro gets two. Cesaro puts on another headlock but Cena breaks. Cesaro counters, punching away, then hits an uppercut. ANOTHER headlock which Cena counters with a pin for two. Cesaro whips Cena into the corner but Cena comes back with a dropkick. Cena misses a running elbow and Cesaro stomps Cena’s chest after he falls. Cesaro punches at Cena and hits an elbow drop from the buckle. When we come back, Cesaro has a two count. Cena comes alive and hits his first few Moves of Doom but Cesaro hits a MEAN clothesline as Cena goes for the 5KS. Two count by Cesaro. Cesaro goes for the Swing but Cena counters with a Springboard Stunner after Cesaro converts it to a Slingshot. Two count. Cena goes for the AA but Cesaro lands on his feet and hits a sloppy Euro Uppercut for a near fall.Cena comes back with the STF but Cesaro counters with a Sharpshooter. Cena gets to the ropes to break. Cesaro puts Cena up on the buckle for a Superplex for another near fall. Cesaro hits a Running Uppercut. He tries again but Cena boots him in the head and hits a Bulldog for a VERY close fall. Cesaro hits a Cross Body but Cena counters with a DDT for a close fall. At around 17 minutes, Kevin Owens stands up and tries to take a swipe at Michael Cole who looks legit pissed off. Meanwhile, Cesaro dropkicks Cena off the turnbuckle and goes outside, hitting a running uppercut for two. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer which we haven’t seen since 2012, I think. Cena counters into a Sunset Powerbomb, getting two. Cena sets up for the AA but Cesaro kicks out and hits the Neutralizer for two. He can’t believe it and starts uppercutting Cena. He hits a big one, then the Swing, getting nine rotations. He goes for the Sharpshooter after that but Owens gets into the ring and attacks Cesaro, ending 20 minutes of this in a DQ. WINNER: No contest
RATING: ***1/4. Good match here, even with a crap ending. Even still, it’s the most logical ending, keeping Cena, Cesaro and Owens all red hot. Still a shame it had to end the way it did.
Post-match, Owens hits the PUPB on both Cesaro and Cena and then says Cesaro won’t get the title tonight because Owens will be the only one with the title.
TONIGHT: Ziggler and Lana “go public” with an IPO or something.
ALSO: The No-DQ Tag Match brought to you by Terminator: Stretching the Premise.
We get a recap of The Authority vs. Brock.
Then it’s another Wyatt segment right as this show was beginning to regain a pulse.. He talks about his Dad and how he’s making IRS proud. Wyatt says that Reigns won’t succeed. He won’t let Reigns succeed. Run.
The Rock showed up in Boston once to beat up Bo Dallas. Yay?
MATCH #5: Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) & WWE Tag Team Champions The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) vs. Bo Dallas & The New Day (Xavier Woods, Big E & Kofi Kingston) Woods and Kalisto exchange counters and armbars before Woods belts Kalisto in the head. Kalisto comes back with chest slaps and a goofy armdrag involving the top rope as a Springboard. Tag to Sin Cara who punches at Woods. Woods tags in Dallas and Cara puts him in an armbar. Tag to Young who knees Dallas in the gut. One count. Tag to Titus who sends Young into Dallas’s stomach, then he tosses Dallas across the ring. Tagto Kalisto and Dallas works him over with kneedrops. Dallas comes back with a short-arm clothesline and a front facelock. Kalisto shoves Dallas into the Face corner and it’s a tag to Young again. Young gets knocked down by Dallas but nobody in the crowd cares. Young comes back, hitting a Sidewalk Slam on the mat outside. We go to break as it nearly turns into a Pier Six.
When we come back, Woods has Kalisto in a Million Dollar Dream. Kalisto breaks and ends up in Belly to Belly by E. Kalisto lands on his feet and rolls over to tag Sin Cara who goes Flip City, knocking E around the ring. Tag to Young who elbows E in the head. E breaks out of a hold and goes for a tag. Young picks on E again but E just tosses him out of the ring. Dallas attacks Young outside, then rolls him back into the ring for a mudhole stomp in the heel corner. Kofi hits a dropkick and the ref finally gets involved, pulling Kofi off Young. Young escapes the hold but Dallas catches him in a headlock. Young breaks and chops at Dallas’s chest. Both guys run at one another and collide. Both men make a hot tag with Titus and Kofi the legal guys. Titus takes out the heels, then clotheslines Kofi. Chaos hits as everyone’s in the ring. The Luchas help Titus clear the ring, then they dive at the remainder of The New Day. Kofi flies at Titus who counters with Clash of the Titus for the merciful end at 14:29. WINNERS: Luchas and PTP
RATING: **. Not bad, not good and hey, look: Luchas because reasons! Match was overlong at near 15 minutes. Dallas and the Luchas are DOA after building up massive heat.
LAST WEEK: Summer hit on Rusev, kinda.
Out comes Dolph for a long promo which pretty much tells you the state of the roster this week. Ziggler explains making out with Lana as if that needs an explanation. Lana takes over. She says Rusev isn’t a real man because Ziggler’s that man. This goes on two minutes too long until Rusev emerges with Summer in tow. Lana doesn’t look happy as they head to the ring. Rusev says he doesn’t care about Lana anymore. He never did. He calls Lana a “cold fish”. Ziggler stops him and says that Rusev’s a scumbag. Ziggler says Lana belongs to him. Ziggler tells Rusev that he blew it. He says that he can arrange the breaking of Rusev’s other ankle. The two face off with the crowd finally deciding that Ziggler’s a face, they guess. They start chanting “USA” even though Bulgaria is a NATO ally. ‘Murica! Summer calls Lana a gold digger and says that Rusev cared about Lana. But this whole thing proves that Lana is a phony. Summer slaps the taste out of Lana’s mouth. Lana’s furious and lunges at Summer. The two fight. Ziggler separates them and — oops, there goes Lana’s skirt. Summer escapes the ring. So, I guess we’re getting a mixed tag with these four in the near future.
Dean Ambrose hangs out with some T-800’s from Terminator backstage BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T HAD ENOUGH PRODUCT PLUGS TONIGHT. Reigns approaches him and wants to know if Ambrose is ready. Ambrose asks the same question. Reigns looks pensive. Ambrose says Reigns SHOULD be angry and tense. That’s the way he likes Reigns. They leave for the ring as LOOK AT THE ROBOTS AND GO SEE TERMINATOR 7 or whatever this one is.
We come back — and get a commercial for the new Terminator flick.
MATCH #6: Neville vs. Sheamus Neville and Sheamus fight into two corners until Sheamus snapmares him to the mat. Neville breaks but Sheamus punches him. Neville flips around and hits a Frankensteiner. He tries again but Sheamus catches him. Neville counters and they both spill out of the ring. Neville goes for a dive but Sheamus runs. When we come back, Neville is in control for a change. He runs at Sheamus but Sheamus tosses him over the top rope. Neville lands on his feet and jumps at Sheamus who catches him and hits the Rolling Senton. He kicks at Neville and then hits a nice suplex throw. Sheamus hits a headlock. Neville breaks but Sheamus kicks at Neville in the corner. The ref shoves Sheamus off of Neville but Sheamus won’t listen and lunges repeatedly until Neville flies out of the corner, forcing Sheamus to eat a Superkick. Neville tries to follow up but Sheamus grabs him and gives him a trio of Irish Curse Backbreakers. Sheamus slaps Neville and Neville returns the favor and hits his set of roundhouse kicks. Sheamus lunges at Neville and Neville sends him outside, then hits a Springboard Moonsault to the outside. Neville hits a sitting dropkick and then it’s a series of counters. Finally, Neville catches Sheamus in the head with a high kick and goes for the Red Arrow. Sheamus manages to get up and kick at the ropes which knocks Neville to the mat. Sheamus sets up for the Brogue but misses. Neville rolls up Sheamus for a near fall but Sheamus kicks out and hits the Brogue anyhow to win this at 12:42. WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: ***. A much better showing for Sheamus than last week’s march through apathy.
Backstage, a worker shines J&J’s car.
Hulk Hogan’s in Sports Illustrated. Wonder if they’ll mention the ‘roids and weird family life.
Holy shit, it’s Jack Swagger! Barrett says that all his opponents will bow down to him.
MATCH #7: Jack Swagger vs. King Barrett Swagger chases Barrett around the ring. Barrett exits and re-enters, only to get slammed by Swagger. Swagger beats him in the corner, then tosses him across the ring. Swagger goes for the Patriot Lock but Barrett is next to the ropes and escapes the ring. Swagger chases and he tosses Barrett into the barricades. When the fight gets back in the ring, it’s the ROAL BULLHAMMER MIGGAL to finish this at about 90 seconds or so. WINNER: Barrett via Bullhammer
RATING: DUD. Barrett’s character is pointless…and wasn’t Swagger supposed to bow? Oh well. Never mind that.
NEXT: The No-DQ tag match.
MATCH #8: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. Kane & WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins (with J&J Security – Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) in a No Disqualification Match Chaos to start. Ambrose knocks Rollins out of the ring and dives at him while Reigns and Kane fight in a corner. Ambrose joins the fight and the two hit a double suplex. Ambrose goes for a top rope move but Rollins knocks him off. Rollins lures Reigns out of the ring and back in so that Kane can kick his head off when he gets back in. Ambrose gets tossed into the barricade. When we come back from break, it’s Rollins with a headlock on Reigns. Kane is tagged in but Reigns comes off the top rope with a clothesline as, suddenly, we’re in a tag match with rules. Ambrose tags in and he stomps the shit out of Rollins and hits a Bulldog. Kane goes for a distraction but Ambrose knocks him off the mat, then dumps Rollins, then dives at two of them AND takes out J&J. Ambrose marches after Noble who runs. Ambrose grabs Rollins instead and then clotheslines him. Ambrose rolls Rollins into the ring, then goes for a table under the ring. He slides the table in but J&J pull the table back out. Rollins hits a high kick to Ambrose after a cheap roll-up and gets two. Reigns saves the day and powerbombs Rollins, then clotheslines Kane. Mercury gets into the ring with a Kendo Stick and attacks Reigns who no-sells it. He grabs the stick and destroys Kane with it and breaks it over Mercury’s back. Reigns Superman Punches every single heel he sees and goes for a Spear — but Wyatt Cut to fuck up another match in a feud nobody gives a shit about. Wyatt beats up Reigns and hits Sister Abigail into the announce table. The refs send Bray away despite the fact that this is NO-DQ. Meanwhile, Ambrose is alone in the ring. Kane grabs him for a Chokeslam but Ambrose breaks and hits the Rebound Clothesline. A series of counters ends with a Chokeslam by Kane and Pedigree by Rollins and we are done at around 12 minutes. WINNERS: Kane and Rollins
RATING: ***. Entertaining match for the most part but the shit finishes involving Bray are becoming irritating. The crowd really liked Reigns here.
Post-match, the Authority tries to put Ambrose through a table but Reigns attacks. The Authority disposes of him. Rollins taunts Reigns who comes back to life and clears the ring by himself.
And, with that, we go off the ai–oh…no, we don’t.
The Authority swarms the ring again and Reigns gets his ass kicked again. Reigns fights back and prevents a Chokeslam. Rollins hits a horribly botched “knee clip” spot and it’s a mudhole stomp. Rollins tells his guys to pick Reigns up. They do and it’s a Buckle Bomb into the table in the corner.
And as the Authority stands tall, we go off the ai–wait. Nope. ANOTHER peril spot.
Reigns aiin’t through and actually struggles to get up and we’re STILL on this. Rollins hits another Pedigree.
And we go off the a–.
Oh. Nope. Bray Wyatt is back. He re-enters the ring and hits Sister Abigail just in case you haven’t had enough of Wyatt getting involved. He yells “FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS” as we finally go off the air.
OVERALL: Better than last week by far and a solid show to boot. It somehow survived a weak opening and a horrible Ziggler segment to finish with some decent matches. I’m still not a fan of Reigns/Wyatt but I do like the idea of Rollins and his guys all being back together and on the same page. It sets up a nice payoff at Battleground.
And, before we go, we have this week’s Best of Monday Night Open Mic:
The Workprint is giving readers a chance to win one of two copies of The Gunman starring Sean Penn, Idris Elba, Ray Winstone, and Javier Bardem on Blu-ray/DVD/Ultra-Violet Combo.
The contest begins on June 29, 2015 and will run till July 10, 2015 at 12:00 AM. Entry is open to US and Canadian residents only.
Two-time Academy Award® winner Sean Penn (Milk, Mystic River) is the object of a deadly international manhunt in the pulse-pounding thriller The Gunman, coming to Digital HD on June 16, 2015 and on Blu-ray™ Combo Pack and DVD as well as On Demand on June 30, 2015 from Universal Pictures Home Entertainment. The latest nail-biting adventure from director Pierre Morel (Taken), The Gunmanis an electrifying combination of suspense, non-stop action and sheer star power that Steve Prokopy of Ain’t It Cool News calls “Spectacular!”
It has been eight years since Jim Terrier (Penn) worked as a black-ops assassin and now someone from his old organization wants him dead. Pursued across Africa and Europe by a team of elite hit men, Terrier is dragged back into his dangerous past as he engages in a relentless cat-and-mouse game to take out the man who betrayed him. Idris Elba (Prometheus, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom), Ray Winstone (The Departed, Hugo), Mark Rylance (“Wolf Hall,” Anonymous) and Oscar®-winner Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men, Skyfall) costar in a hair-trigger thrill-ride critics are calling “Intense!” (Dave Karger, Fandango).
The Blu-ray™ Combo Pack includes a Blu-ray™, DVD and DIGITAL HD with UltraViolet™.
Blu-ray™ unleashes the power of your HDTV and is the best way to watch movies at home, featuring 6X the picture resolution of DVD, exclusive extras and theater-quality surround sound.
DVD offers the flexibility and convenience of playing movies in more places, both at home and away.
DIGITAL HD with UltraViolet™ lets fans watch movies anywhere on their favorite devices. Users can instantly stream or download.
FILMMAKERS Cast: Sean Penn, Idris Elba, Ray Winstone, Mark Rylance, Javier Bardem Directed By: Pierre Morel Written By: Don McPherson, Sean Penn, Pete Travis From the Novel By: Jean-Patrick Manchette Produced By: Sean Penn, Andrew Rona, Joel Silver, Ron Halpern Executive Produced By: Adrián Guerra, Peter McAleese Director of Photography: Flavio Martínez Labiano Production Designer: Andrew Laws Edited By: Frédéric Thoraval Costume Designer: Jill Taylor Music By: Marco Beltrami
True Detective Season 2, Episode 2 – “Night Finds You”
Air date: June 28, 2015
While last week’s premiere was met with mixed responses, “Night Finds You” offers some glimpses of that old True Detective magic that audiences have been craving. There’s some uneven character development and a steady march of hit-or-miss secondary characters as the investigation picks up speed, but there’s finally some chemistry brewing between the brooding leads and even the occasional flash of humor. The investigation proceeds in predictable fashion as more lurid details of Caspere’s life are slowly uncovered, but the real shot to the gut is the one delivered at the end of the episode.
The second season is still struggling with its characterization–the weighty character moments don’t quite land as they intend, despite the show’s best efforts. Taylor Kitsch draws the shortest straw here, with Paul Woodrugh’s pouty aloofness more reminiscent of angst-ridden teenage years than the haunted ex-military man he’s supposed to be; the situation isn’t helped by scenes examining his creepy, co-dependent relationship with his mother and his breakup with Emily. Frank Semyon, meanwhile, opens the episode with a bit of existential anxiety, but it’s a far cry from Rustin Cohle’s nihilistic ramblings from the first season. Frank is much more compelling when he’s backed into a corner–he took big risks to invest in the land deal, but his money evaporated with Caspere’s murder and he’s desperate to find the man responsible. A later scene with Frank threatening a man allows a bit of Vince Vaughn’s wise-ass sarcasm to shine through, and is a refreshing break from the heavy bleakness of the series thus far.
Indeed, there isn’t much to smile about–the most prominent smile is a golden grill with the words “fuck you” engraved across it–but the episode does contain an almost comical amount of weary gazes and probing stares. It’s part of the job of course; when the characters aren’t busy stewing in their own misery, they’re trying to size each other up. Velcoro is tasked by the crooked Vinci mayor Austin Chessani to “guide” the investigation in the right directions, while Bezzerides is still trying to work out just how compromised Velcoro is. This leads us to one of the better moments of the episode and the return of a popular hallmark from the first season: some quality partner bonding time spent chatting in cars. There’s a nice bit of characterization here, and the dynamic between the two is the best the season has mustered so far. Ray’s flashes of self-deprecating humor land flat against Ani’s no-nonsense coldness, but the two manage to approach something resembling mutual respect.
Almost as quickly as that happens, though, “Night Finds You” delivers a (literal) shot to the gut. After Frank uncovers the location of a property that Caspere used as a sex den, Velcoro is sent to investigate. There’s a pool of blood, a sex swing, and a wall of animal masks (one bust is conspicuously bare). The episode ends with Ray taking two close range shotgun shots from the man in the bird mask. It’s a shocking twist–few would ever expect True Detective to kill off its main character in the second episode, but the odds of him surviving such injuries seem extremely low. Ray hasn’t been a very sympathetic character and he had little left to live for after Alicia stated her intention to gain sole custody of their son, so his tragic downfall is arguably fitting (albeit abrupt). It’s early enough that Ray’s death would only add fuel to the investigation rather than completely derail it, but the show would almost certainly feel the loss of its strongest actor.
Dr. Pitlor is Caspere’s psychiatrist, acquainted with Ani’s father, and an obvious creep. He’s also played by Rick Springfield!
“I’m waiting for this Velcoro burnout to make like Rockford?”
“Well just so you know, I support feminism. Mostly by having body image issues.”
Ani’s old partner Elvis is still working on that missing person case from last episode, so that’s probably connected to all of this in some horrible way.
I will say one thing for Ballers after the somewhat sensationalist pilot, the show is trying to treat its subject manner seriously. Whether that tone works for the show or not is another matter, but I for one am glad that HBO isn’t taking the ‘Entourage’ route with this and showing gratuitous displays of wealth and nudity for the sake of getting males age 18-35 to watch.
Raise Up picks up where the pilot left off, and starts on Strassmore working on elderly lady at the firm who has some very pointed things to say about his football career. While he’s trying to get this client out the door, Strassmore’s boss Joe (Rob Corddry) shows up to kiss ass and speed up the process. Joe is sick and tired of having Strassmore around without him picking up A-list clients for the firm. Strassmore then dangles Vernon (the player who he lent $300,000) in front of Joe as a big signing. Before Strassmore can fully bask in the glory however, he reveals that he hasn’t signed papers, and without papers, the deal is worthless. Eager to make his mark, Strassmore sets out to get ink on the dotted line.
Ricky on the other hand, fresh of his brush with humility, is handed a gaudy piece of jewelry by his girlfriend (paid for by his black card), which is immediately rendered useless by the Dolphins assigning him a different number than the one that he’s worn all his life. He’s reduced to attempting to bribe his teammate to get his number back, only to be rebuffed. At this point in the series, it’s obvious that they’re going to use Ricky’s career as a plot point, but this episode was all setup with no pay off, a theme that will be recurring.
Elsewhere, retired player Charles Greane, who runs in the same circles as Strassmore, is settling in at his new job as a car salesman. Before he can do that however, he’s visited by the General Manager of the Miami Dolphins and while under the pretense of a car sale, is given a pitch to come back and play. For any retired player, a pitch like that is hard to forget, and long after the GM leaves the dealership, Greane thinks about the possibility. Like that, the seed planted, waiting to be harvested in a future episode.
To bring things full circle, Strassmore arranges a brunch meeting with Vernon at the Biltmore, a super swanky Miami establishment. What is supposed to be business turns into a family affair with all of Vernon’s extended crew on the patio for an outing. Strassmore and Joe, obviously caught a bit unawares, maneuver and try to fit in with the gathering, until Strassmore seizes an opportunity to get a moment alone with Vernon. Finally cornering Vernon, Strassmore works his charm and gets Vernon to sign papers, though not without a verbal agreement allowing Vernon’s current “financial advisor” Reggie to sign off to any big deals. Reggie, who has been Vernon’s friend since childhood, is the type of person that your parents warn you about, and seems to be the parasite that feeds off the success of others. Pushed into a corner, Strassmore reluctantly agrees, and gets a signature from Vernon.
This week’s episode was short of a filler episode, but it was all setup for the season. I understand that it is important to build the plot of each character, but I do wish that the time was better spent with a deeper look into one character, as opposed to glancing upon each. Ballers strikes again a more interesting tone than the pilot, but it’s still waiting to spill its guts. I still believe in the premise of the show, but I hope that the plot will gain speed quickly.
KILLJOYS -- "The Sugar Point Run" Episode 102 -- Pictured: (l-r) Aaron Ashmore as John, Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch, Luke Macfarlane as D'Avin -- (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Syfy)
Killjoys Season 1, Episode 2: “The Sugar Point Run″ Air date: June 26, 2015 Grade: B
Dutch, Johnny, and D’avin are back in this week’s episode of Killjoys as the trio find themselves tasked with a hostage exchange in hostile territory.
The show opens with a bang as our favorite reclamation agents chase a ship in the Outer Quad carrying stolen Qreshi sea salts. Johnny has managed to hook a towing line but the other craft is much larger and is putting up a fight, damaging poor Lucy! Meanwhile D’avin is asleep (shirtless in case you were wondering) and is still suffering from PTSD with nightmares of past battles. He wakes up in his usual way gun out and ready to fire at any perceived threats. Back at the controls, Johnny manages to give Dutch enough time to board the other ship and serve their warrant. She subdues the Monsoon’s captain since flimsy knives are no match for her mighty helmet!
Post Qreshi sea salts gig, Dutch bluntly tells D’avin that he needs to crash somewhere else, prickling the guy’s pride. Unfortunately he’s in a bad spot with no money, no job, and no papers. His younger brother offers to help but D’avin can’t stand the idea of getting stuck in the mines or any other crappy work that he would qualify for with out having any legal permits to be in Westerly. He basically needs to be able to spread his wings and be free!
D’avin angrily storms off Lucy to get a drink but is stopped by Company guards who have a new warrant for Dutch and Johnny. A man in a red jumpsuit is loaded into their ship as a Company representative tells Dutch that her task is to bring the prisoner to Sugar Point and meet with the warlord Rio to exchange him for the mayor’s daughter (who has been kidnapped by the warlord). Dutch is naturally suspicious that the Company would free a convict, but the man says its politics and having the mayor’s gratitude can’t hurt either.
Back on the ship, the trio are dealing with a sick Simon (the prisoner and Rio’s brother) who pukes blue goop soon after his restraints are put on. He begs to have them removed lest he throws up the whole way to Sugar Point and the all too trusting Johnny relents. The Jaqobis then share a tender moment as D’avin admits that his younger brother is right and that he’ll look for a job after they finish this warrant.
We cut to a flashback scene where a younger Dutch is given a red box, much like the one in the previous episode. Khlyen, her trainer, instructs her that she has one week to kill the person who’s name is in the box or else bad things will happen. He looks exactly the same from when Dutch was a child to the present, he must be immortal. In addition if you haven’t figured it out yet, Khlyen is super creepy in an overly affectionate stalker kind of way.
KILLJOYS — “The Sugar Point Run” Episode 102 — Pictured: Aaron Ashmore as John — (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Syfy)
As soon as the team enters Sugar Point, things go terribly wrong. They get shot down from the sky landing in scavenger territory where Lucy is grounded from damage. Somehow they also need to make their way to Rio to do the swap. To make matters worse, Simon escapes since a certain someone had allowed him to skip the restraints. After some arguing, Dutch and D’avin end up going after the prisoner while Johnny stays behind to fix the ship.
Once D&D leave, a group of scavengers arrive attempting to take Lucy. With her power reserves diminishing, the younger Jaqobi has the brilliant idea of letting the group into the spacecraft and then killing the oxygen while he digs around their vehicle for a spare part he needs. Unfortunately for Johnny the towering one with lots of muscles scavenger wore a helmet that gave him much needed O2. Cue fight scene.
Meanwhile Dutch and D’avin catch up with Simon only to be captured by other scavengers. They wake up strapped to operating tables and see their prisoner be sliced and diced for his own spare parts. Luckily thanks to her super secret ninja assassin training, the rec agent dislocates her shoulder and wiggles out of the restraints. She then frees D’avin, but poor Simon is a goner. Still, not everything is lost as Dutch pulls out a spherical object from the guy’s gut that she suspects is the thing that Rio actually wants. They discover that it contains some mysterious launch codes.
When they finally manage to get to Rio’s territory, D’avin asks Dutch to trust him as he formulates a plan to get the mayor’s daughter and prevent Rio from getting the codes at the same time. He taunts the scavengers outside and uses the two groups animosity against each other to their advantage. He throws some kind of light grenade that renders people momentarily blind (he has protective shades of course) and chaos ensues. Dutch goes to grab the kidnapped girl and the three of them work their way to the roof of the building. D’avin then conveniently finds the missile the warlord was planning to use.
The rooftop scene highlights their differing personalities even more as D’avin is still thinking like a soldier while an annoyed Dutch is focused on her warrant. Her motives are to get the mayor’s daughter out of the area safely while he is considering the implications of leaving a criminal with a functioning weapon of mass destruction.
KILLJOYS — “The Sugar Point Run” Episode 102 — Pictured: (l-r) Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch, Luke Macfarlane as D’Avin — (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Syfy)
A pissed off Rio manages to catch up with them and just as she’s about to have her goons attack, Johnny shows up with Lucy and saves the day. The warlord attempts to launch the device, but sneaky D’avin has tampered it, resulting in a beautiful rooftop explosion. Bravo soldier boy!
On their way back, Johnny asks Dutch who broke into Lucy after he finds out earlier that she had increased the ship’s security. She lies and tells him that she was paranoid about D’avin. He doesn’t buy it though and knows that she’s hiding something. But out of respect he doesn’t ask what and just implies that she should take care of her business. Of course what’s really bothering her is creepy Khlyen and that red box. Viewers see that he had tied young Dutch and an unknown man across from each other with a knife in between them. Whomever got to the weapon first would live (very Hunger Games). She manages kill the guy, learning the hard way that this is how she would be punished if she didn’t do as she was told.
The episode ends with Johnny and D’avin grabbing a drink in Old Town, the latter being granted a visiting pass courtesy of the mayor. Dutch joins them and suggests that the older Jacobi brother become a killjoy like them. She’ll sponsor him and if he pasts the test he’ll have a place onboard Lucy. Johnny is totally surprised by this and probably feels a little iffy about it. Obviously there’s sibling rivalry going on and D’avin still hasn’t revealed what’s happened to him. Dutch has bigger issues to worry about though right now though, like a crazy ex-mentor stalking her.
Will D’avin pass the RAC tests? We’ll find out next week!
Rock-a-bye Batsy, I’m getting free When Joker takes over you won’t feel a thing
You’ve seen the reviews of Batman: Arkham Knight so far. Things aren’t pretty for Rocksteady right now, especially since they’ve halted PC sales of the game. I wanted to wait until the first patch was released to review the game so that I could write about something other than the horrendous performance issues, but with PC sales suspended, I don’t expect the patch soon. If you haven’t played the game, or at least played it on a PC, maybe you’re wondering what the big deal is; why are people so up in arms about a game that was expected to be one of the best this year, a game that fans preordered en masse?
Well, short version: Arkham Knight is a hot mess.
About eight hours before the game released, Rocksteady announced that requirements previously given for PC users was on the low side of things and that was a wee bit of an understatement. Some have said that in its current state, Arkham Knight is unplayable. For me, it was playable in the loosest sense of the word, but it certainly wasn’t enjoyable.
If you’re looking for something that might speed up the game while waiting for the first patch, give these suggestions a go. I run AMD and upping the FPS and disabling motion blur (though not all motion blur settings because it will crash your game harder than the Batmobile) helped but my FPS stayed around 25 inside buildings and a solid 15 outside. And that was with everything on the lowest possible settings.
Things started off well. I ogled at the opening scene even though, much like in the other three games, about halfway through I found myself bored and wanting to skip ahead. Gotham is in peril, yet again, and this time it’s Scarecrow behind the panic, threatening to set off an extremely volatile toxin that would cause riots, murder, and all manner of wholesome fun. It’s up to Batman to stop the lunatic with the bag on his head, except now that lunatic has a new friend he met at the playground: the Arkham Knight. The Knight appears to have a history with the Bat but Bruce goes all Joey Tribbiani and can’t seem to remember where he knows the Knight from. The latter gets understandably miffed over the matter and in a tantrum sends out tanks and drones all over Gotham. That being said, there’s a decent story in Arkham Knight, as Batman struggles outwardly with the Scarecrow and the Arkham Knight, he’s also struggling internally against the Joker. It could have been fantastic, but I will voice my frustration over that matter in another article.
But don’t you worry your pretty little head about those tanks because Batman has the Batmobile and that’s basically a cheat code in this game. Not only can you summon the Batmobile like Epona, but you can also store two of your friends in its trunk!
I have a lot of issues with Bat-Pona. Not only does it seem to be the main cause of lag in the poorly optimized game (dropping the FPS down to nil whenever it appears in a cutscene), but even worse, the game rams it down your throat so hard there’s a bat symbol embedded in your esophagus. Fans were excited to drive Bat-Pona, but I don’t think they were THIS excited. Mission after stupid mission requires you to blow up the endless barrage of tanks sent by the Arkham Knight. There’s nothing exciting about it. Dodge. Pew Pew. Boom. Pew Pew. Do that about 30 times and that’s a single mission. It isn’t difficult, just tedious.
And I suppose that’s my biggest gripe with the game: optimization issues aside, there isn’t much challenge in the beat ’em up missions. Instead of adding worthy changes or story additions, Rocksteady simply throws more bodies at Batman. There is a nice mechanic about a third of the way through where the goon squad starts to learn your fight tactics and you have to adapt accordingly, using all of Batman’s skills to take out brutes with mini-guns and sentry drones. However, that mechanic eventually falls to the wayside and you’re instead thrown into situations where you’re just mashing counter with 25 dudes around you.
Your permanently brain damaged bodies sustain me!
This repetition led me to go after the smaller side missions, like the manbat, rescuing Lucius, and even the Riddler’s challenges. And I HATE the Riddler in every single Batman game because not only is he obnoxious but like the fights, it seems quantity trumps quality and I’ll be damned if I’m ever going to waste time getting 100% completion because of his stupid quests.
Batman has never been favorite of mine but he comes across as especially dull in this sequel. I’m not sure if Kevin Conroy wasn’t into it while recording this sequel or if Batman is supposed to be that disconnected but he’s even more monotone than usual. Scenes that required at least some emotion flat-lined. And then of course there are his facial expressions, or lack thereof. Look at Batman’s dead little eyes.
LOOK AT ME.
As for the baddies this go around, the Scarecrow is a one-trick pony who likes hearing himself talk (Gotham really should uninstall all those speakers around town) and the titular Knight just likes screaming, “I WILL KILL YOU.” Poison Ivy had the potential to be exciting as enemy turned ally, if only she had been given more time. The other side characters, Oracle, Gordon, Robin, Nightwing, and a whole host of others from Batman’s past are empty plot devices for Batman to rescue. The only interesting character, yet again, is the imaginary best friend Joker who has infiltrated Batman’s mind. Joker is the bright spot in a rather dark sequel, offering the most hilarious dialogue in the game. He was so interesting I found myself rooting for him to take over Batman’s mind.
Things aren’t all bad in Arkham Knight. The UI is vastly improved from its predecessors; skills are easier to skim through while trying to decide where to spend those Wayne Dollars. Simulations are set up throughout Gotham to learn combos, fight mechanics, and the boring intricacies of the Bat-Pona all offer Batman a chance to hone his skills while earning even more Wayne Dollars. The side mission wheel was nice, as was the rather large gadget wheel. However, opening the map often caused a significant FPS drop while led me to not use it, but it’s not like using the map has ever been that important in a Batman game. It’s a shame that the map is unnecessary because Gotham is huge. You certainly won’t be lacking for places to explore or goons to beat up.
A big thank you to the developers for not making Detective Mode as OP as it was in previous games. In the first three about 90% of my time was spent with Detective Mode on but this time around there isn’t much of an emphasis on the skill and as a bonus, there are repercussions for using it too much in fights.
Combat feels more polished in Arkham Knight with a shiny new suit that adds a Fear Takedown you can use to slow time and quickly demolish unaware enemies. This skill is especially useful when taking on hordes of armed thugs. Another added feature is the ability to use the environment around Batman to knock out your enemies. With the right button combo you can jump up, grab a hanging lamp, and smash it over the heads of your totally-not-dead foes.
The best new combat feature is the ability to fight alongside (or fight as) Batman’s allies. Catwoman, Robin, and Nightwing all join Batman briefly throughout the game which leads to large battles with dual takedown options. Pressing the “switch” button at any time allows you to fight as one of the three members of the Bat family, getting to see up close and personal some of the differences between the way each hero fights. Don’t worry about having to learn any new mechanics because their controls are the same as Batman’s.
You can still realistically get by with slamming attack and counter interchangeably but it’s so much more fun to electrocute someone, yank them around with the batclaw, and then whip them across the face with a few batarangs. Most of the gadgets offered to Batman are ones you’ve seen before including: the Disruptor to jam enemies’ weapons, the Freeze Blast, the Remote Hacking Device, and the Remote Electrical Charge. (I’m just thankful we don’t have to use the awful Cryptographic Sequencer from Origins again.)
The only real new gadget in Batman’s arsenal is the batmobile. The tankmobile, actually, because that’s what it truly is. Equipped with a vulcan cannon and missile launchers, the Bat-Pona can take out just about anything. And it does. Driving around the streets of Gotham you’ll find it can ram through iron gates, rows of parked cars, and stone pillars with ease. But it’s also light enough to drive on Gotham’s precarious rooftops without falling to its doom because of physics reasons I don’t understand. Lucius occasionally calls Batman with news of a choice of upgrades for the Bat-Pona, but why he withholds the technology from Gotham’s savior is beyond me. (Either offer it one at a time or not at all, Fox!) On top of the plethora of weapons that totally aren’t meant to kill people, the Bat-Pona also comes with a winch used to ruin the structural integrity of buildings and tunnels all over the city! Oh, and the Bat-Pona comes with a remote control so now your highly destructive toy can take down thugs without you in the front seat, ridding you of all guilt over their totally-not-bloody corpses. That remote comes in handy too when you need to interrogate thugs.
Without my batmobile’s remote, I wouldn’t be able to threaten this lowlife. Thanks, Lucius!
If you think the Bat-Pona sounds over-powered, it’s because it really is, but that isn’t much different from its driver. Not only is Batman Boring McBoringson (whose parents were SPOILER ALERT murdered), but he’s also pretty infallible. Throughout the game he makes crappy choices which lead to the capture of several of his closest acquaintances but there aren’t any repercussions for his actions. I know he’s the hero of the game and he’s supposed to save the day, but I never felt like Batman was ever in any real danger, which is kind of sad for a game that opens with a voice-over about the night Batman died.
Batman: Arkham Knight truly is a beautiful game, but only if you stand perfectly still, otherwise your PC might crash and I’m told you can’t play a game well when it crashes incessantly. I’d love to praise the cutscenes and effects that were likely so painstakingly rendered into the game but I can’t because they stuttered throughout and even up through the end I had to guess what might have occurred. However, the game is fun if you don’t look too closely at the plot holes or physics or any of that real world nonsense. It is still a video game, albeit at the moment an unserviceable one for PC users, a game that strives to entertain the player, which it does do, just don’t expect it to hold your interest very long, especially once you realize that you’ll only get a proper ending after 100% competition (yes, including those stupid Riddler quests). And even then the ending isn’t satisfying, especially the resolution with the Arkham Knight’s character.
It’s a shame Rocksteady’s trilogy has to end on such a poor note, but it’s release is an accurate reflection of the gaming industry as a whole right now. Developers are now being forced to own up to their mistakes, answer for releasing an unfinished game. Arkham Knight was supposed to be one of the best, and instead, it’s become the villain.
I am not sure why they are calling this season of Pretty Little Liars the Summer of Answers, because I leave each week with at least twenty more questions, and having none of my previously questions answered.
To start the episode off, Alison meets the Liars to divulge her new information on Charles DiLaurentis. Ali’s father revealed Charles was indeed a real person, and was the eldest of the DiLaurentis siblings. He was a troubled boy and before his second birthday he was admitted into Radley, to ensure the safety of his brother and sister. I mean granted he tried to drown his sister in a bath of scalding hot water, but still, a two year old? Mr. D hid the truth of Charles from Ali and Jason so they could have a “normal” childhood without the distraction of their crazy brother. He looks at his kids and tells them that Charles didn’t leave Radley alive. He committed suicide at 16, and therefore in no way could be A.
The Liars are not eager to accept Mr. D’s tale of Charles demise. Hanna sums it up the best: “No body. No grave. No proof!” The gang sinks its teeth into the new mission of obtaining Charles’ private and confidential health records. The one kink in their plan is that Radley is currently shut down. Proving yet again that she is the worst Scooby of the bunch, Aria investigates Charles by typing the following search terms into google: “Charles DiLaurentis death record” and “Charles DiLaurentis obituary.” Suffice to say, her search is fruitless.
Since Spencer is not inept in the art of detective work, she obtains information about where all of Radley’s old files are being shredded. She gathers the girls and heads to the storage facility to obtain Charles’ patient file. They sneak into the building through the backdoor that is literally wide open, and search for the Charles DiLaurentis pin in the file warehouse haystack. Lo and behold the great Inspector Aria finds Charles’ file but only records from age thirteen to sixteen are present. Despite only acquiring records accounting for a quarter of his time in the institution, the Liars discover that only two people ever visited Charles: his mother and his great aunt Carol (both of whom are presumably dead). They think Mrs. D helped Charles escape, and was hiding him in Aunt Carol’s abandoned house. Jason, Ali, Spencer and Hanna head to Aunt Carol’s house searching for a living Charles. When they get there, they find Charles’ grave which Jason confirms has been there for ages due to the pattern of ivy growing on the headstone. And with that everyone seems content with declaring Charles officially dead.
At the casa de Field’s, Sara is scrutinizing her new haircut in the mirror. Emily tells Sara that she loves the new dykey due.
Before Emily invites Sara to march at this years Pride, Mrs. Fields enters the room. Pam has made appointments for the girls to go and talk to Dr. Sullivan about their trauma. Sara say no thanks and jumps into another shower, but because Mrs. Fields is her actual legal guardian, Emily isn’t able to get out of the appointment so easily. Pam pulls Emily aside later to discuss how she is worried about Sara and the responsibility of housing her, but Emily is sure that she can help Sara get better, because she knows what Sara has gone through. Pam, tries to explain to her daughter that while whatever Emily experienced, it is not the same thing Sara went through. Sara was there for three years, alone with A. Sara overhears this whole conversation, runs away but realizes she misses Emily too much. The pair meet at The Brew where they try to officially decide who is wearing the gayest outfit. Sara also explains that after her three years held captive, she just wants the simple things in life. Like swimming and make out with Emily. So Emily brings Sara to the pool to go swimming, and proves that nothing that she had with Paige is sacred anymore. On a plus side Paily fans, at least they didn’t make out?
Meanwhile, Spencer is still struggling to sleep since leaving the dollhouse. While kidnapped Charles tortured Spencer by playing a siren every time she fell asleep. The first night that Charles actually let her rest, Spencer woke up drenched in someone else’s blood having no idea of how it got there. So yeah, Spencer’s sleep issues are understandable. She is so desperate to sleep, she even rummages through actual garbage searching for Aria’s discarded sleeping pills.
Spencer heads to The Brew to find Sabrina, Ezra’s new baker who is apparently a huge stoner. For the first time this season (or ever) Ezra is somewhat useful. She walks up to Sabrina who she has never actually talked to before and pretty much goes “So you know my story. Can I buy pot from you. Like just some brownies or whatever?” Sabrina explains that she is a pothead, not a dealer, so no she cannot sell her weed, but she could make her edibles free of charge. Oh man, the things that happen in Rosewood. Ezra catches Spencer as she is leaving with her special pastries and tries to expel some wisdom. Just as Aria’s has done every other episode, Spencer tells him to shove his sage wisdom up his ass.
Ezra does make one great point this episode. He tells Spencer that things are a bit safer because entire town is now looking out for the Liars. This is so true, and I think is great for the storyline because it takes away some of the power that is given to A. Everyone is on high alert and they are not going to so quickly look away when something strange and unusual occurs.
Aria’s dad has decided to come back from wherever he was and try to start parenting. Byron tries to get Aria to spend some quality time together, but Aria would rather develop the thousands of pictures she has been taking recently. While developing a ton of creepy doll photo’s, Aria happens upon bottle of pink hair dye with a note “You’re MY doll, bitch.” This is the first individual message any of the Liars have gotten from A since they escaped the dollhouse. Aria flashes back to the dollhouse, where A forces her to either dye her hair pink or go bald. I take my statement from earlier, the show has provided the viewers with the answer of one very important question: The mystery of Aria’s short pink hair.
Caleb spends the night at Hanna’s, but he ends up sitting in a rocking chair the entire night observing the ineptitude of the Rosewood PD, instead of snuggling with Hanna. Caleb also placed a tracker in Hanna’s shoe, and Hanna flips a shit when she finds out. While it is understandable that Caleb is worried, it is also understandable that Hanna, after being held captive for a month, also needs breathing room. This is true for all of the girls. But what Hanna needs is space… from Caleb.
Quote of the week:
Ezra: She reeks of weed, but she makes really good pastries.
Questions:
1) Was there a time line error? Charles was sent away when Jason was 1 years old. But in the home video Ali was alive. Does that mean that Jason and Ali are a year apart? I thought Jason and Melissa were the same age, and Melissa is WAY older than Spencer.
2) What is going on with the IRS investigation? Will we ever find out how A got all this free cash for stalking?
