Well, kids, it’s “Hometown Week” on The Bachelorette. For anyone who doesn’t know what that is, it is the episode of this crazy-ass foolishness, where the Bachelorette visits the families of the 4 remaining men that she might marry and then soon-after, divorce. She travels to each of their hometowns, where she meets the man himself, plus whatever family members choose to be a part of this trainwreck. Then, she must send someone home, so that we are down to 3 guys for the epic finale, which will be in 2 weeks. So let’s get started. I know you are on the edge of your seat ….
FIRST STOP: HIGHLANDS, COLORADO.
CHASE
Yeah. His name is Chase. I still can’t picture ever marrying someone named Chase. Or talking to them. Or saying their name out loud without breaking into fits of laughter. If you are reading this and your name is Chase or you named someone Chase, I’m sorry. And that’s not me apologizing TO you. I’m just sorry.
Anyhoo, Chase lives in the gorgeous, snow-capped mountains of Colorado, where the two meet up for a light picnic and a chat. He tells her about his parents divorce years back, and how nasty it was. He lets her know that she would be meeting his dad separately, and then his mom and the rest of the family later. He takes her to his house, where his dad shows up. Jo-Jo is surprised but goes along with it, and they all get along just peachy.
His dad seems sweet, and he warns his son not to make the same mistakes that he did, and to always put his wife first. Next up, they go to meet Chase’s mom, step-dad, sister, brother-in-law, and little nephew. They all sit down for a beautiful dinner that nobody eats. The plates look like they were arranged by Martha Stewart.
I’m starting to think they use fake food on this show, because NOBODY EATS ANYTHING EVER. Except that douchebag Chad. He ate everything. He was always eating. But nobody else eats food. Jo-Jo and the mom have a lovely conversation.
While talking to his mom, a single tear goes down Chase’s face (that rhymes) as he tells her that he is in love. Before JoJo leaves for the night, Chase tells her “I’m falling in love with you.” She says: “I’ll miss you.” They say goodnight.
SECOND STOP: CHICO, CALIFORNIA
JORDAN AND HIS FLOPPY HAIR
Jordan and his stupid Floppy hairdo take JoJo through his town. Then they go to his old high-school, because this dude seems to live in the past and his entire point in life is his former football playing “career”, which never really went anywhere anyway.
They walk through the school, look at pictures of him in his old hero football days, when she spots a picture of his brother, who is now an NFL player while HE is a “former” one and currently a couch-sitter who has time to appear on dumb shows like The Bachelorette. She says “Hey is that your brother Aaron?” He goes silent.
Soon after they go to meet the family – his mom, dad, and other brother Luke. Jojo is nervous. They get there, and apparently the floppy hair thing runs in the family. His brother has it too. Even his brother’s GIRLFRIEND has it, which makes no sense, but it’s true. Hers is ridiculous, actually. She has a giant part of her hair swooped over into a flop and on the other side of her head.
They all sit down to eat and nobody eats. The mom tells an awkward and boring story about how Jordan is the “spicy one” because when he was a little boy, he tried to run away once. JoJo acts like this is the most fascinating thing ever, when, in reality, it’s the most common thing on earth. What little kid DIDN’T try to run away at least once when they were 5?
JoJo talks to brother Luke, and tries getting information on what happened between Jordan and his brother Aaron, and why Aaron is no longer really part of the family. Luke offers nothing except for “we don’t really talk about it. ”
JoJo talks to the dad, who looks like a Q-Tip and wears awful track pants. Meanwhile, Floppy tells his mommy that he is in love. At the end of the night, he tells her he loves her again. She gets all scared and asks him what if he changes his mind. She tells the cameras that Ben told her HE loved her, and then broke her heart.
JoJo is terrified of that happening all over again, but she doesn’t tell Jordan that part, so he leaves feeling confused as to why she doesn’t believe his love for her is real. Him and his Floppy hairdo go inside and apply more mousse to the situation.
THIRD STOP: ST. AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA.
ROBBIE
I have no clue why JoJo is so into this dude. Robbie looks like a silly cartoon character. His eyes are weird. He looks nervous all the time.
The two go on a carriage ride through his town. They stop and talk. She tells him that she fears he might not be over his ex-girlfriend, because it was such a recent breakup, just a few months ago. She says she doesn’t want to be just filling a void for him. Robbie assures her this woman is in his past.
They go meet the family – mom, dad, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, and their spouses. The brothers all talk while drinking from the most ginormous beverage glasses on planet earth. Meanwhile, JoJo tells the mom that she is falling for her son, and she brings up the thing about his ex with HER too.
The mom then tells Robbie that the exes’ roommate has been starting rumors online and in person, that Robbie only broke up with her to go on the show, and that he isn’t over her and isn’t on the show for the “right reasons.”
This is sooooo high-school. Robbie looks like he’s going to cry, and he goes and tells JoJo that rumors are out there, but they aren’t true. She starts freaking out and doubting everything again. JoJo asks if there is ANY truth to this, tell her now. He says it’s all lies. She says she believes him. He says he wants her to be his future. They kiss and hug and she sighs a lot in her ginormous sweater.
FOURTH STOP: BUMET, TEXAS.
LUKE
Luke hasn’t told her he loves her yet, but he wants to. He needs to wait and see how she interacts with his family first, and then he will. He tells her he has a surprise for her, and instead of just meeting the family , they pull up to the house, where pretty much the entire state of Texas is in their backyard. Mom, dad, sister, plus about 50 of Luke’s closest friends are all gathered up for a BBQ.
Luke and his dad have a talk on the back porch, and its the slowest dialogue in the universe. It takes them both about 4 hours to say three words. That southern drawl really takes center stage with these two. He tells his dad that he loves JoJo, and the dad and his giant cowboy hat approve.
Everyone sits at picnic tables out back and jokes around and has fun. When the day is done, Luke says he has more surprises for her. He takes her horseback riding and they sit on a bench as the sun sets. Luke says is falling for her, but he doesn’t quite get the words out. She starts getting silent and crying a little. He says I hope those are happy tears.
She says something about “I wish I had more time with you.” He is totally going home. Then he takes her to his last surprise, yet another place where he WON’T quite say “I love you,” but implies it.
Luke has made a giant heart in the grass made of rose pedals, with a candlelit path to the center. He walks JoJo to the center and says “my heart is yours.” She is again silent and mutters out a “thank you” before leaving him for the night.
AWKWARD!!!!!
ROSE CEREMONY
The four men and JoJo all gathered up at an airport hanger for the rose ceremony. JoJo tells host Chris Harrison, whose role on the show becomes more and more pointless as the weeks drag on, that she doesn’t know what she is going to do, and that she could see herself falling for ALL FOUR of them. Really?
You’re in love with 4 men? FOUR???
She cries as she tells cameras, minutes later, that she thinks she knows what must be done. “I think I have to send Luke home.” Just as she is about to give out the first rose, Luke stops the ceremony. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” She says sure, and leaves the other men waiting as her and Luke step away to talk. It is very awkward.
Luke begins telling her that he hopes it isn’t too late to say this, but he is in love with her. He says “I am in love with you. I wanted you to know, finally.” He tries being all romantic, but she again looks like she is going to cry, because I’m guessing she is more in love with Floppy and Cartoon-Face than him.
JoJo says her standard “thank you” response and sends Luke back into the ceremony. She takes a minute alone in her gorgeous shiny blue evening gown, and kneels down on the pavement/runway area, and just cries and cries and cries. “Fuck!” she says. “I’ve been wanting to hear that from him this whole time, and now?? Is it enough?? I don’t know. I don’t know …. waaaaahhh!!!!! I feel so out of control. What if I make a mistake? What do I do????” More crying, crying, crying …………..
TO BE CONTINUED…………
NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELORETTE:
After crying for 17 more hours, JoJo finally makes a decision and chooses to run away with Chris Harrison. The four men wait at the rose ceremony until they eventually die.
