The Bachelorette Review: Could This Crap Get ANY Dumber?

Well folks, here we are again, for another installment of the dumbest crap on television. Apologies for my lack of review last week once again, as my schedule got away from me and just had a crazy week where my DVR box wasn’t functioning properly either. The week before that, my cat walked all over my keyboard and deleted my entire review while I was writing it. Perhaps these are signs from the universe that I should stop watching this silly-ass nonsense and do something else with my time. But I sacrifice myself for the sake of comedy. Because this silliness is funny. I do it for you. Yes, I am an American Hero. You may worship me now.

Since I bailed on last weeks episode, the following will be a combination-review of this weeks and last weeks. So, we left off with crazy Ian telling Kaitlyn off randomly, because he decided to suddenly become a giant asshole for no reason whatsoever. She tells him that he is being super rude and offensive, and he says “That’s what I’ve observed. That’s what I have to say.” She retorts “and you feel good about that.” He gets up and leaves. Leaves her and leaves the show. He says to cameras: “She is shallow. I’m glad to be out of there.” In the sad limo, he is anything but sad and continues his rantings: “I’m too deep. It I was made the Bachelor, they’d come out from the woodwork, man. Theyd be like ‘he’s so deep.’ God I need sex.” WTF??? Is this man a lunatic or what? How do you go from saying how deep you are over and over and how you’re tired of Kaitlyn kissing everyone and everyone acting immature, to “I need sex.” This dude mentioned becoming the bachelor like 5 times – clearly that was his motivation the whole time. Sorry to tell you dude, but you are WAY too dull and boring to carry the show. Plywood is more riveting.

Anyway, after rude Ian leaves, our bachelorette is upset and crying, and “shaking. I’m shaking right now. I feel sick”, because this is her new thing in the last couple episodes. This chick is constantly SHAKING and feeling sick to her stomach about some damn thing. So who goes up to check on her but, of course, knight in shining armor Nick. The other men get all pissy when they figure out Nick is with her, because he already has a rose and there he goes stealing more time with her. Nick and her kiss and kiss and he makes everything all better. Shawn comes up to check on her, and sees her kissing Nick. He walks away to get some air outside, because he cannot handle seeing his woman kissing anyone else.

Kaitlyn tells the cameras: “I get it. I’m the makeout bandit right now. But intimacy is so important to me, and this is forever. If there is no intimacy, that’s a deal breaker.” Well, me thinks she has intimacy with about 14 different people at this point. Kaitlyn goes down and talks to the guys about why Ian left, and how he was rude to her and said mean things. Pimp Daddy Chris Harrison comes in and grabs Kaitlyn to get ready for the rose ceremony. They have one of their pointless chats, where he gives his usual stellar advice. “Clear your head. You have some decisions to make.” Wow thanks. She tells him she is over everyone questioning her. He leaves her and goes into the Fantasy Suite to make sweet love to himself.

During the Rose Ceremony, Chris the Dentist tells cameras that he wants a rose so badly, he would pull out his own tooth for it. Well that seems highly unnecessary. Thankfully we don’t have to watch that bloodshed, he gets a rose. Joe looks like he has been drugged during the rose ceremony, but he also gets a rose. Justin and Josh are sent home, and Josh is very hurt.

DUBLIN IRELAND:

The gang goes to Ireland and Kaitlyn says “I’ve always wanted to come here. This would be the perfect place to fall in love!” Of course it would, because that is what the script says. The dentist tells cameras that Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Jared tells the other guys he is going to trust what he has with her, despite all the Nick drama. Kaitlyn comes in and says the first one-on-one date will happen right this minute, and that it will be with Nick. The men are not happy. Nick tells cameras: “There are two shows. Theres the Bachelor, and there’s the ‘Shawn really hates Nick’ show.” Both of those shows sound horrible.

NICK AND KAITLYN AND NASTY MOANING SEX:

Nick and Kaitlyn begin their date taking walks outside, passing by lakes, and Nick watching as he witnesses Kaitlyn’s intense fear of birds. “My heart is pounding right now, I’m like, shaking. I’m shaking.” He is surprised at how truly scared she really is. He jokes with cameras “clearly we will never go to a park again.” They dance in the streets with some lame street dancers, then they stop and make out a hundred times in a hundred places. Against walls, on sidewalks, all over the place. Nick: “The physical connection is solid. I’m falling for her. Shes incredible.” They go to a pub and have drinks and kiss more and more. Kaitlyn: “I’m so happy he is here. Our chemistry is intense. Almost too passionate. Is that a thing?” I don’t know. I can’t believe this show is still a thing. They have dinner. More kissing. More groping. Now they start whispering sweet-porn-dialogue into one another’s ears on camera: “I’m dying” “You’re giving me goosebumps” , “I’m feeling for you” (which means “I’m so hard”). She tells cameras “He makes me feel like a desired woman. I forget there are cameras or other people involved when I’m with him.” She then asks him “You wanna go back to my hotel and hang out for a bit?” He says “Um YEAH!” They do. More making out on her couch. More porn dialogue. Finally she whispers “come with me” and they go into her bedroom and close the door. Seconds later, the moaning starts. Eeewww…… more porn dialogue appears on-screen as we stare at a door. “I want to know every part of you.” “I could get a hold of you. Come here” MOAN ……

Nick leaves the next morning and Kaitlyn is out on her balcony in her robe talking with producers I guess. Its unclear who she is talking with. Cameramen? “I will fucking lose it if he says anything to the guys”, she says. She starts feeling guilty about the other guys and their feelings. Meanwhile, at Testosterone Castle, Nick tells the guys he got “extra time” with her and that it was personal and intimate. He doesn’t say what happened, but Kaitlyn is soooo paranoid at this point that they will find out, that she is now a mess. Well,a BIGGER Mess than ever before.

STUPIDEST GROUP DATE OF ALL TIME:

Maybe its just because I have a dead husband and I had to see him in a casket – a vision I will never in my life get out of my head and one that is extremely unsettling for me – but this whole “lets pretend Kaitlyn is dead and have her lie in a casket” group date did not sit right with me.. I found it creepy and weird and not “fun and lighthearted” which apparently was her intention with it. Whatever. They all meet and Pimp Daddy takes them inside, where Kaitlyn is lying in a casket. He tells the guys that Kaitlyn is dead … for today, and this is her traditional Irish wake. They all stand around the casket and have to make up toasts to her life one by one, while she lay there trying not to laugh. Shawn gets big laughs when he toasts with: “I was devastated when I heard you took your own life, but I understand. I would have done the same thing if I had spent the whole day with Nick.” Ben with the Z initial, makes everyone leave while he gives his toast. He lost his mom years ago, so asking him to stare at Kaitlyn in a casket was probably not the greatest move on Kaitlyns part . He makes a serious speech. Everyone sings and claps to Irish music. Then there is an after party at Guinness. Ben gets alone with K, and they talk more and kiss. Jared and K also kiss and talk about their feelings. Shawn shows her pictures of his family. They kiss too. She gives the group rose to Jared, and Shawn freaks the fuck out emotionally because he is a whiny infant who needs constant validation. “I’m not sure where we are now, I didn’t get what I needed tonight”, he whines. Jared and Kaitlyn go into a nearby cathedral for more private time after he gets the rose. They dance to a live performance from The Cranberries, who sing “Linger.” They make out more, and she tells cameras “I will remember this forever.” Shawn is pouting and sobbing somewhere.

All the men are whining together about not getting the rose. Shawn gets up and leaves and the guys wonder where he is going. He goes into some store or something and starts telling someone his every emotion about Kaitlyn. Again, it’s not clear where he is or who the hell he is talking to, but he is going on and on, telling this person how Kaitlyn told him “You’re it, you’re the one” weeks ago during private time together. He flips out for no reason making all kinds of assumptions, and whining”Like, I can’t do this at all. I’m about to cry right now. I cant do this man.” He goes to her room later that night. “I just had to see you”. She thinks that he is there because he found out that she slept with Nick, because she is SO paranoid now about that. But he doesn’t know about that. Nope. This loon is crying because he didn’t get the stupid rose. Kaitlyn is shaking and sobbing into the camera all dramatically: “I never meant to hurt anyone. I made one stupid mistake . I don’t wanna do this anymore.” Drama!!!!!!!!!!!! End of episode ………

CONTINUED: Shawn goes to K’s hotel room to talk to her about not getting the rose over Jared. She thinks he is there because he knows about Nick. She is “shaking.” She tells him “you’re freaking me out.” He asks “Are you in love with me yes or no.” She says “I’m falling in love with you”, which is what every single bachelor/ette says on this show to 5 different people. He tells her “I’m having a hard time. A hard time. A really hard time. Just a hard time. I don’t know if I can do this.” Well, you can say “hard time” a few more times. She cries. He swallows really hard. They lean their heads on each other like Rain Man. She says “You have to decide if you can do this.” Wow. Comforting. She sends him away. To cameras: “This is tearing me up. I hope he doesn’t know I’ve been intimate with Nick. I feel so awful.” She cries and cries.

AWKWARD THREESOME:

JJ, Joe, and Kaitlyn go on the most awkward 2 on 1 date ever. JJ calls it”the biggest day of my recent life.” Your recent life? What the hell does that mean? They take a ferry-boat to a private island. They have an awkward picnic in silence until JJ randomly spills out his love for K right in front of Joe: “In the home of Bono, I want you to know I’m falling for you. So cheers to that.” The three of them toast JJ’s awful Bono analogy and admission of “falling ” for someone. Joe takes her aside for private time. “I can’t get enough of you cuz I’m falling in love with you.” They kiss in a gross fashion, and you can see Joe’s thick lazy tongue going in and out of her mouth. It’s really nasty. Kaitlyn’s hair looks like it hasn’t been washed since she did the nasty with Nick. Joe’s hair is just stupid. JJ takes K aside and chooses that moment to tell her the lovely story of how he cheated on his wife 3 years ago and lost his family and lost it all. He tells cameras that he is at peace and hopes to get the rose. K tells cameras “I feel sick. Shaking. ” She sends JJ home but tells Joe she needs more time with him before deciding if he gets the rose. JJ is left on the side of a mountain to cry. Joe and K kiss some more, and she gives him the rose. He goes back and tells the guys he is falling for her, and Shawn leaves the room yet again cuz he cant deal with life. He goes BACK to her hotel room yet again, and I swear, this is what he says: “So I’m here again tonight to explain why I was here last night.” WTF. How stupid are these people? K cries into cameras again because she STILL thinks that he is there to talk about Nick and their gross sex.

COCKTAIL PARTY MORONS:

Everyone feels unsettled during the cocktail party. Kaitlyn gives the worst toast on planet earth and none of the guys know what the fuck she is talking about. She is SO paranoid that Nick has told them about their sex, but he hasn’t, so she talks in innuendos and riddles and nobody has a clue what she means. “I’ve made many mistakes. I’m so emotional. I’m not perfect. I am shaking. ” Wow, great toast. The men are nervous now. Nick hints at the toast being about him but still doesn’t say anything specific. “My quality time with her was wonderful. ”

She has private time with Ben with an H initial, and calls him a “handsome devil.” They kiss and he gets all serious, telling her he knows something happened with Shawn. He is referring to Kaitlyn sneaking into Shawn and Ben’s room weeks ago and spending time with Shawn and telling him “you’re the one.” She is starting to regret saying that, because Shawn is obsessed with it.

K and Nick have private time again and she says I hope you haven’t told anyone about us and what happened. He said no. He also starts crying for no reason. “I’m really nervous. Scared to death”. He opens up to her apparently, although I cant figure out what the hell he is actually saying. There is more intense kissing.

She talks with Shawn AGAIN!!!!!! He stares into space and they have the dumbest dialogue ever. “I’m to blame.” “I don’t think you are.” ” I am.” “Right.” “No.” What??? Shawn “It’s just a bump in the road.” K: “I don’t know.” Me neither. I don’t know what the hell any of you are saying. I think being drunk is required to comprehend this show.

K talks to Pimp Daddy and tells him she keeps “taking 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.” Okay, calm down there, Paula Abdul. She says it will be a rough one tonight. Rose Ceremony happens. Tanner and Ben with a Z initial go home. Ben didn’t see it coming, and performs quite a lengthy monologue about his feelings outside to cameras. Kaitlyn says “I am shaking. I’m terrified. So terrified.”

Road Trip! While the remaining guys ride by bus, Kaitlyn takes Jared in her car on an adventure. They go to the Ireland countryside. They take selfies. She hits the curb over and over. She says it’s a metaphor for love. Gag. Meanwhile, Shawn is snoring on the bus filled with men. K and Jared end up at Blarney Castle and kiss the Blarney Stone at the top. Men arrive in the town of Kilarney. Dentist says “this town is my soul.” Again … gag. Later that night, K is resting in her hotel room , when Pimp Daddy knocks on her door.

He changes up the rules of the stupid game. Instead of meeting the families of 4 people, he wants K to narrow down her men from 6 to 3 next week, and then when it gets to final two, she will meet those families. He wants to move up the date of the Fantasy Suite dates, because he is into kinky things. He tells the men this, and they are all sitting way too close together.

I WANT TO BE A DENTIST:

Kaitlyn has one on one with the silly dentist. They take a helicopter ride to the Cliffs of Moher, where they set up a romantic picnic. Right away, it is pretty awkward. They are repeating things and have not much to say. She asks what life would be like for them together. He gives generic reply. “I cant believe you picked me for this,” he says, through his toothpaste commercial face. He asks her 2 times in a row: “How are you doing? Whats going on?” She burst into tears. “I don’t know if I see us together forever. You’re like, everything I want on the list of what I want but I don’t see it and I don’t know why.” He tries to convince her she is just nervous, but she has to spell it out for him that this is goodbye, Dentist. They say goodbye and she leaves him on top of a cliff alone. He cries like the biggest lunatic I’ve ever seen , rolling back and forth and grabbing his knees and wincing and sobbing loudly, then yelling at himself: “Come ON Chris!” He sobs and sobs and sobs. Just wait til he finds out about Nick ……..

NEXT WEEK: Everyone finally finds out about the gross Nick and Kaitlyn sex. The dentist gets a cavitiy and compares the experience to falling in love. Shawn tells a total stranger his life story. Pimp Daddy Harrison has gross sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite.