‘Dancing With the Stars’ Review: A “Universal Dick” and a “Green Dude” Walk onto a Dance Floor …

Well, kiddos, here we are at Week Two of Season # 457, or something of Dancing With the Stars. Len is already getting crabby, the tears are flowing from members of the cast, and Tom Bergeron is running out of nifty-colored ties. (although I really like this purple one.) This was TV THEME SONG WEEK, and for reasons unknown to anyone, the show has gone back to their 2-show per week format, with a 2-hour performance show on Monday, and then a 2-hour elimination / results show on Tuesday. Why the need to put people through this insanity is beyond me. The eliminations happen in the last 5 minutes of Tuesday night’s show – the rest of it is nothing but clips, stuff we already saw Monday, and other time-killing nonsense. Yes, sometimes there is a great pro-dance number thrown in there as well, such as this week with the reunion of Cheryl, Derek, and Maks dancing together – but those moments are rare. Like a good mood night for Len. Let’s get started ….

MARCIA BRADY AND ARTEM :

Well,they danced to the theme from “The Brady Bunch.” Of course. Florence Henderson made a short cameo at the beginning as Carol Brady, saying “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”, which made no sense, since it was JAN who said that famous line on the show, not Carol. But whatever. This dance was incredibly cheesy with bopping heads on a couch, and lots of other silliness. It was a Quickstep, and Horny Carrie Ann enjoyed it, saying she had more confidence and ease this week. Scores for the dance were 7/6/6/7. Scores for Maureen’s creepy neck wrinkles that are nowhere else on her body, were negative 2.

JANA AND STUPID NAME GLEB:

I supposed if you’re THAT attractive and hot to look at, you gotta have SOMETHING lame about you, right? Otherwise, it’s just unfair. So, pro-dancer Gleb got stuck with the dumb name Gleb. But who cares, because he is a specimen of beauty. They did the Tango, to the theme from “One Tree Hill.” She tore a rib muscle in rehearsals, and was in massive pain. He was shirtless, with only a wide open vest over his chest. Yum. Did I mention he was shirtless? Some sort of dancing happened here. I can’t recall. Because he was shirtless. Bruno made weird and oddly sexual comments, while stretching his leg into the air in front of him. Len said the dance worked for him. Scores were 7/8/7/7. Gleb’s name received a 1.5, and his chest and beautiful face received lots of staring from creepy girls like me.

BORING POLITICIAN AND EMMA:

The Quickstep. To the theme from “Green Acres.” Oh man is this guy boring. Rick Perry is all things cheesy. And such a dork. He counts each step and moves his lips and sings the songs while dancing, or opens his mouth wide like Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. For some reason, this dance seemed to go on and on and on. Was this the extended remix version? When their odd dance was finally over, he skipped (literally) over to his wife in the crowd, and kissed her. She looked like she was embarrassed to be alive. Bruno’s comment about the dance was hilarious. “It was like a bad cold – you can’t get rid of it!” The audience booed him, but I laughed heartily. Horny Carrie Ann said something about it being “perky and efficient”. Um, no comment. Scores were 6/5/6/5.

CALVIN AND LINDSAY:

They did a Foxtrot to the theme from “Family Matters.” He played the tallest Urkle of all time. Giant Urkle. The dance was cute, and he continues to move well. Julianne said “there is an unexpected spark about you!” Len said the dance made him happy. Also, Bingo Night back at the home makes him happy. And Jello! Backstage with Erin Andrews, the real Urkle was waiting to hug Calvin and give him props. They all had a good laugh and pretended to become fast friends. Scores were 7/7/7/7.

AMBER AND MAKS:

They did the Viennese Waltz to theme from “Game of Thrones.” There was a lot of fire surrounding them onstage, and all I could think was: “WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRE!!! YOU’RE GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE!!!!”, every time they turned a corner. I really thought they would ignite and burst into flames. Len said he would have liked more waltzing, to which Maks replied: “and I would have liked to have worn a shirt.” To which Bruno replied: “Keep it off!” To which Bergeron replied: “Alright Bruno, calm down.” Classic. Scores were not as classic, at 6/6/6/6.

JAKE AND JENNA:

They danced to his show, called “Go Diego Go.” I still have no clue what that is, or who he is. Anyhoo, they did the Cha-cha, and had a very strange jungle theme. Maybe that’s what his show is about. I wouldn’t know. But the dance was so bizarre. I felt like I was on an acid trip watching it. No clue what was happening or why. It also felt very rushed. Carrie Ann agreed, telling Jake: “Slow down. You’re ahead of the music.” Len also told him to keep the beat and not rush, and as he spoke, it looked as if his dentures had fallen out, or if he had no teeth at all. His speech was very odd, like he had some Quaker Oats stuck in his gums. Scores were 6/6/6/6, and Len needs new teeth.

VANILLA ICE AND WITNEY:

Not sure why, but Vanilla Ice seems like a cool dude. Just a really genuine guy. Who calls himself Vanilla Ice. They did the theme from “Married With Children”, which is a great Sinatra song, and they did the Foxtrot. They were supposed to be The Bundys, but for some reason, they made him look more like Frankenstein. What the f$*k did they do to this poor man’s hair? Like Rick Perry, Ice is another serial lipsyncer, and it is a bit distracting. Carrie Ann scolded him and told him not to mouth the song lyrics. Then she said something about the size of his hands – that woman is obsessed with people’s hands. Every other comment with her is something about someone’s hands being small or big or something. Enough with the hands already. Scores were 6/7/6/7, and Ice’s hands got a 2.

TERRA AND SASHA:

Hey, did you guys know there is a Little Person on the show this season? Because they only pointed it out about 400 times last week, and again this week. So, the Quickstep was their dance, to the theme from “Bewitched.” It was quite good, and everyone enjoyed it. After the dance ended, Tom Bergeron asked Sasha: “So, there were two Dicks on that show. Which one were you?” To which Sasha replied that he was really more of a “universal dick.” Bergeron’s face was priceless. Julianne thought that dance was made for Terra, and Len said she sparkled tonight. Scores were 8/7/8/8.

BABYFACE AND ALLISON:

They danced to the theme from “The X-Files”, and did the Argentine Tango. The song is weird, they had lasers everywhere, which made me dizzy to watch them. Very good chemistry between them, however. Bruno said there was a sensuality bubbling under the surface, and Horny Carrie Ann called it “yummy.” Scores were 8/7/7/8.

LAURIE AND VAL:

They did the Jive to the theme from “Ducktales”. In rehearsals, upon finding out this was their song, Laurie asked innocently: “What’s Ducktails?” Despite not knowing anything about it, they delivered an adorably sweet and fast dance. Len said it was full of “snap, crackle, and pop.” Unlike his bladder. Julianne called Laurie “Disney’s Beyonce.” Meanwhile, from home, Beyonce gave a stare of death at her TV while proclaiming: “NOBODY is like Beyonce, except Beyonce. YOU FEEL ME??????????????” Scores were 8/8/8/8.

JAMES AND SHARNA:

Danced the Pasa Doble to theme from “The Walking Dead.” Zombies everywhere. Len said the dance got lost in all the production – “too many zombies about.” Um, THE SHOW IS ABOUT ZOMBIES!!!! Take your meds early tonight and go to bed, Len. You’re losing it. Scores were 7/7/7/8, and Len fell asleep on the judges table.

MARILU AND DEREK:

Foxtrot to the theme from the classic sitcom “Taxi”, in which Marilu starred. Derek had no clue what to do with this music, as it’s a simple but lovely instrumental, but what he came up with was sweet and appropriate and quite lovely. Judges loved it, and Carrie Ann thought is was great to see what a beautiful dancer Marilu is. Len said the car might be a taxi, but the dance was a Rolls Royce. Scores were 7/8/7/7.

RYAN AND CHERYL:

They did the Quickstep to the theme from “The Muppet Show.” But before that, we had to suffer through endless clips about what a poor victim Lochte is, and how awful it was for him to see his mom crying in the audience last week after the protest happened live on the show unexpectedly. Then we had to watch the clips of the protest itself, and see what they didn’t show us on air last week. Now, I don’t want to see anyone get hurt, and this kind of protest is sort of pointless in the end, but what did he expect really? You act like an idiot and then you are rewarded for it by being put on a very popular national TV show, some people are going to be upset. There will be backlash for that. Take it like a man. After all that hoopla, then we got reminded of Lochte’s water-logged brain as well, with this brilliant exchange:

Cheryl: So we have the Muppets this week. Who is your favorite Muppet?

Ryan: Um, I guess the green dude. I like the green dude.

Oh Lord in Heaven, please help this man to know that the green dude is NAMED KERMIT, you dolt!!!! Who doesn’t know Kermit’s name, for Christ’s sake??? In any case, their routine was fun and lighthearted, but with lots of mistakes. Julianne: “There were so many mistakes, but the concept was brilliant.” Carrie Ann appreciated the joy he brought to the ballroom. Scores were 6/6/6/6, and the green dude and the pig lady were happy with that. (they played the roles of Kermit and Piggy.)

ELIMINATION :

So, the bottom two couples were Cheryl and Ryan, and Jake and Jenna.
Jake and Jenna went home.
I still don’t know who he is.

NEXT WEEK:

When Ryan Lochte is asked who his favorite Smurf is, he says: “The blue dude. I like the blue one.”

Len awakens from a nap in mid-show.

Brooke Burke Charvey changes some lines on Erin Andrew’s cue cards, and then giggles all the way home.