‘Dancing With the Stars’ Review: Bruno Will Not Be in a Speedo Next Week

Hey there, kids. So here we are at the Semi-Finals of our favorite dance contest show, and the stakes are getting higher (and Len needs another nap). There are 5 couples left on Dancing with the Stars, and this week, there were two rounds of dancing for reach. In Round One, each couple chose a 3rd dancer from the pro team to add to their routine for a kinky threesome that would make Bruno blush and Horny Carrie Ann jealous. In Round Two, each couple was given a dance style that they have not yet conquered this season. Let’s get cracking. There’s a new episode of “Wheel of Fortune” on later, and Len wants to catch it before he has his warm milk and heads off to bed.

PAIGE / MARK:

Round One: They chose pro dancer Alan Bersten , a troupe member, as their 3rd partner for their Samba. This dance was simply awesome. Loved the music, loved the choreography, and loved her. It is hard to tell the difference at this point between Paige and the pro dancers. Amazing hip movement and loved the part when the three of them were connected physically like an accordion. Len said: “Fire it under B for brilliance!” Bruno yelled like a maniac: “My little bird of paradise! You were the star attraction all the way through!” Carrie Ann made no sense and said words that made sounds. “Woohoo! Yes! Oyahh! Shut the front door! Oh boy! ” Backstage, Erin Andrews questioned Paige and Alan about rumors of a relationship between them, which was met with awkward laughter and silences. Scores were perfect at 10/10/10.

Round Two: The background package video expressed Paige’s childhood, country roots, and how she was bullied really badly as a kid and teen, to the point where her family up and moved to Reno. It was there that she went into UFC, and the rest is history. Their dance was the Argentine Tango, and it was HOT and awesome. She brought the heat and was incredibly sexy in this great number filled with passion. Bruno called it: “Nasty. Naughty. It was ‘Basic Instinct’ with a sprinkle of ‘Fatal Attraction’ plus ’50 Shades of Paige.’ If you don’t make the finals, I’m going to judge in my SPEEDO next week.” Oh dear God, no. Carrie Ann said “I love to watch you dance.” Len acted grumpy because it was too hot and steamy for him. Scores were 10/9/10, and Len drooled into his Quaker Oats.

ANTONIO / SHARNA:

Round One: They used Troupe member Haley Eubert for their Argentine Tango. They wore red, and it was filled with swag and passion. Carrie Ann loved the intensity of the movements, and the other judges agreed. Scores were 9/9/9 across the board.

Round Two: His package explained his rough childhood growing up in the Miami projects, bad neighborhood filled with drugs and violence. He said “I had ot become a man quick.” His parents divorced and his dad left, which he regrets now. He went into the NFL as an underdog and fought his way in. The dance was really good. Bruno hilariously commented on Antonio’s physique with: “Michelangelo couldn’t have sculpted a better torso.” To which Tom Bergeron reminded him: “But how was the DANCING, Bruno?” “Oh right, the DANCING!”, Bruno replied laughing. Len said that the dance had the “most spectacular lifts in the history of the show.” Scores were 9/9/10.

WANYA / LINDSAY:

Round One: They chose to work with Witney Carson for their Paso Doble, which was brilliant. The music was sharp, as were their moves. Carrie Ann loved it so much that she left the panel table and hugged Wanya. Len said he loved the little touches, and gave them a standing ovation. Bruno said something about thunder, and then lightning, and that it was the best comeback of all time. Wanya cried tears of joy backstage as they received perfect 10 scores all the way around.

Round Two: He grew up in the Philly projects, and sang since he was a very little boy. He wanted to help his family, and got a chance to when they were signed with Motown Records, and the rest is history. Their dance was The Charleston, and again, another brilliant dance that earned perfect ten scores. It was so fast and so much fun. Carrie Ann screamed that Wanya is her hero, and Len said: “I so hope you are in the final!” Bruno twerked as he gave his score, and then Wanya twerked too, and scores were more 10’s all the way around.

NYLE / PETA:

Round One: They chose to use Jenna Johnson for their Jive, which was a cute diner scene. Len said it “got a bit hectic, like my bladder control.” Okay, maybe he didn’t say that last part. Bruno called it charming, and scores were 9/9/9.

Round Two: He went to college for the deaf, became a math teacher, then entered and won “Americas Next Top Model.” They did the Argentine Tango, and Nyle was blindfolded for a small section of the routine, because why not make his life even more challenging and impossible??? He is amazing on every level. Of course, he nailed it. Len said “you never cease to amaze.” Bruno was mesmerized, and Carrie Ann loved his fearlessness. Scores were perfection with all 10’s.

GINGER / VAL:

Round One: They used Artem for their Paso Doble, which was very hot and sexy. The two men wore tattered clothing and suspenders, and she wore A WHITE DRESS. They passed her back and forth and it was really well done. Bruno said words that made no sense. Len said it was “full of attack, unlike my bladder function.” Scores were 9/9/9 due to a few timing issues and errors in steps.

Round Two: She was a shy kid whose parents divorced when she was young. In order to feel like she was controlling something, she suffered with anorexia in her younger years and fought it. Later, she started chasing tornadoes and began a love for the weather. They did the Quickstep, and it was awesome. Scores were 9/10/10. Bruno said that all five couples deserve to be in the final, which is true.

ELIMINATED: Antonio and Sharna, Wanya and Lindsay. The latter was shocking and sad, especially since they had just received TWO perfect ten scores. This is getting serious.

NEXT WEEK: The Finale!!! Two big nights, back to back. And Bruno will not wear a speedo.