Duplicity is a nice mental game in theory. We see it in spy flicks and wish we could be as smooth in practice. The whipsawing of feeling selfishly righteous and guiltily selfish in reality, however, is deleterious to its success. It is within this sixth episode of Kevin Can F**k Himself (AMC) titled “The Grand Victorian” we learn that the rules may vary depending on which part of the lens you lie.
INT. -NICK’S PLACE – DAY
With arms crossed, Nick (Robin Lord Taylor) taciturnly judges Allison (Annie Murphy) scrambling to plead her case for the deed. Upon asking how much, Patty (Mary Hollis Inboden) offers 7 stacks in cash with the Oxys as a down payment. Amused by this, Nick nevertheless agrees to dispatch this asshole. Allison supplies him with a picture and his employment information along with his schedule. He queries into the timeline of it all, to which Patty responds “soon” though irritated, he can work with that. He tells them not to contact him, he’ll come to find them for payment, and lastly for Patty to take care of Detective Tammy Ridgeway. After that, they’ll be squared away.
TITLE CARD: KEVIN CAN FUCK HIMSELF
INT. – FURNITURE STORE – LATER
Allison and Patty are trying to nab some free stress relief with massage chairs due to all that tension back at Nick’s, and though Patty thinks the sensation is horrible, Allison enjoys it, having never been massaged before. She feels serene. Patty is flummoxed by this after the afternoon they had, but Allison likens it to flying. At first, she was terrified, but then she was calm because once you’re in the air, the outcome is out of your hands and into those of the pilot.
She’s planning on buying it for Kevin’s birthday because if she won’t he’ll just get it himself, saying the only thing it’s missing is a Robert Kraft setting, which sets Patty off giggling. Allison feels slightly betrayed by it, but Patty continues by reminding her that it’s a pretty big gift for someone that got them a rubber band ball for Valentine’s on account of her losing her hair ties all the time, which is borderline thoughtful.
Outside, Allison claims no buyer’s remorse for the purchase of brown instead of black he wants nor for the ice cream cake he demanded, despite him being lactose intolerant. Patty laments Kevin’s birthday is always an event and Allison agrees, even being privy to his clandestine second dinner every year. He always insists to eats at the Vic House every year, knowing it is next to Tricky Ricky’s Fun Zone, but ten minutes into their meal, he’ll claim to have left something in the car and doesn’t show back up for an hour and a half.
Patty asserts that he likes to make his wife and Neil feel that they’re both his favorite so he juggles the two in one night. Patty apologizes for attending the other party in the past, but Allison on the contrary loves the one night a year to dinner by herself, indulging in some wine at the place along with a book she intends to finish but never does. Patty does invite her out to lunch, but Allison has a new job to get to! And boy does she ever…
CUT TO:
INT. -SAM’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Sam (Raymond Lee) and Allison are on the prelude to knock boots. Sam shows momentary restraint, thinking they made the pact to not ‘engage’ anymore, but Allison extinguishes that notion with a simple No. She rejoices in “feeling 17 again.” Hey, death or potential death makes plenty horny… and to be in control of it makes it even hotter (or maybe I’m feeling the flames of my afterlife prematurely call for me.) The most constant and committed relationship in the world is Eros and Thanatos, after all.
INT. – PATTY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Patty gets dolled up to go out. She injects a second’s self-doubt in her brain, claiming it to be very stupid in making a concerted effort to look pretty for someone, but summarily says fuck it and continues on with the vanity.
INT. -BEV’S DINER – NIGHT
Allison admits to Sam that she really likes working there. Sam returns the sentiment and invites her to stop by later for a bit of ‘one-on-one training’ after he’s done with something. Allison says normally she would, but she laments it’s kind of a special night so he happily takes a raincheck. Just when they’re about to get close enough to kiss, Patty drops in. She brings Allison a book for her ‘sad, lonely dinner’ which is a novella called The Pearl, giving her a shot of actually finishing it. Allison is surprised her friend cleaned up well for a simple night in, but Patty holds that sometimes ya gotta do something nice to feel good about yourself. She’s not letting Allison anywhere near where she’s headed out to, and it ain’t Tricky Ricky’s…
INT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN HOUSE – LATER
Back in TV land, Kevin (Eric Petersen), looking uncharacteristically dressed up lies through his teeth, telling Allison that he had to blow Neil off for his one special night with his one special gal and after pulling out the chair for himself, Allison opts for a nice bottle of red wine for the both of them. Kevin puts the kybosh on it (being the most important) and orders two glasses of Pinot (being the cheapest) and like clockwork, claims to have left something in his car.
Upon exiting, Allison breathes a sigh of relief, takes a swig of the god-awful Pinot, and extracts her book. Nick is seen entering the background.
INT. – BAR – NIGHT
Patty looks about the joint, spotting both police in uniform, some firemen, and is wondering why she did this. She’s spotted by Detective Tammy (Candice Coke), who wasn’t sure she would come. Detective Tammy Ridgeway bellies up to the bar, ordering them two vodka sodas. Patty opts for beer, but the Detective in a stentorian voice says that Patty thinks she likes beer, telling her to “broaden her horizons.” This is where the heat rises.
Patty, nervous asks what questions Tammy had her, thinking it’s some serious inquisition. Unflinchingly, Tammy reveals those to be queries of siblings, favorite movies, pets- “your typical first-date questionnaire” though she’s “always up for going straight to childhood trauma.” This is where the Detective title drops.
INT. TRICKY RICKY’S FUN ZONE – LATER
Neil (Alex Bonifer), worries like a scared little boy that his friend is bailing, though Pete (Brian Howe) comforts him. Enter Kevin, stage left, lying through his teeth, assuring it’s not fun telling Allison she’d have to stay home all night, NOT being invited to his special day with his bestie. It’s that “boys rule, girls drool” mentality that makes this newly christened 36-year-old baby a king among kids.
With the five years’ of tickets in a suitcase (which has NEVER seen a single office building between the three of them) handcuffed to Neil’s wrist, tonight is the night. They’re only 200 short of the zenith of their lives- a fucking dumb foam cowboy hat. They proceed to order an asshole of garbage apps to build the strength up for a night’s work- for stuffed guts and feckless glory.
INT. – BAR – LATER
With a drink in one hand and a dart in the other, Patty aims for the bullseye, with Tammy playfully ragging on her as she misses the intended target. Officers Fitz (Johnny Halloran) and Parker (Osmani Rodriguez) stop by and mock Tammy for bringing a civilian to a function like this. They allude to Patty being Tammy’s newest “recruit”, saying she’s had a lot of “washouts” lately. Tammy does not take kindly to this comment. Patty takes a long sip of her vodka uncomfortably as Tammy’s arm is around her waist, bidding the two ‘well-wishers’ farewell.
INT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN – LATER
Kevin enters once again. They are ready to order but he opts for something light. Gee, I don’t know if it’s on account of his fat ass gorging on apps. He suddenly realizes Sean Avery from the New York Rangers. He nearly causes a scene, being that Boston fans are mortal enemies to New York fans. Sean relays he was just passing through and heard there was a meal that was on the house if you finish the whole thing. This is mythical “Mighty Moo” which consists of a 32 oz. steak, two baked potatoes, all the fixings, a jumbo shrimp cocktail… and a goddamned roll. The puerile competitive nature prompts Kevin to take Sean on.
As the waitress (Alexa Giuffre) confirms the order, Nick passes through in a busboy’s outfit. No matter, as Kevin needs to get something in his car. Seeing her hubby’s would-be dispatcher prompts Allison to hurriedly call Patty. She’s freaking out, but Patty cannot hear exactly what is being said, what with being buzzed and the bar being loud. She claims she’s at the movies and should hang up due to the obvious reason.
Out of the fire into the frying pan, when Allison suddenly sees Jenn (Meghan Leathers) out with hubby Sam. Very awkward pleasantries are exchanged before the night turns to even more compelling when Jenn insists Allison join them for a drink, despite her protestations. What’s a girl to do with a husband to slink in, his impending murder, and Patty not listening.
INT. TRICKY RICKY’S – LATER
Kevin’s in a bit of a pickle. He has to go back to the Vic House to conquer the Mighty Moo in the name of Boston against Sean Avery, but can’t make Neil aware of his absence. The only problem is that he needs Pete to distract Neil, just as he’s bringing a fuck ton of apps back to the table.
INT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN – MOMENTS LATER
Allison, Jenn, and Sam are at the table, enjoying a drink. Allison says she isn’t alone, actually waiting for her husband. Jenn opines that the Grand Victorian is the only place locally for a special occasion. In fact, she and Sam had their first date there. She proceeds to hold his hand across the table, with his quipping to “feeling like he’s 17 again.” Gives a new meaning to the term inside joke.
Allison nervously spots Nick before excusing herself. She tracks him, following through the kitchen to the adjacent bar… where Patty is.
INT. – TRICKY RICKY’S – LATER
Kevin isn’t touching any of the appetizers. Neil is shocked at this, what with his bestie being the Wing King of Worcester. Neil actually suggests they eat their food twice as fast, forcing a worried Kevin to chow down, lest he isn’t bowed down to by the only person in the world that idolizes him.
INT. – BAR – MOMENTS LATER
Allison angrily taps Patty on the shoulder before they both excuse themselves to the restroom. Allison is freaking out for a few reasons, chiefly being Nick in their presence. Patty tries to snap her friend out of it by reminding her of her previous airplane logic. Allison lied. She was terrified the entire flight. Entropy is the only luxury afforded to them now. Tammy also excoriates her that backing out of something messy she willed into being isn’t worth bitching about. Plus, homegirl’s actually having a nice time out with Tammy and thinks the time out is good for having the detective off the scent, though she swears it’s not a date. Patty leaves in a huff, telling Allison to take care of her own shit for once.
INT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN – LATER
Both Mighty Moo’s arrive, and though Kevin goads on Sean Avery, it matters not, as Nick is sharpening his very big knife. Staring to Nick, Allison pleads with Kevin to concede and leave. She’s not bailing him out, and as Nick gets closer to the target, she’s filled with compunction and fear. Would the dude truly commit this act in plain view? With one fell stab into the steak, Nick begins Kevin’s time to start. Oh, how our time starts, and how there’s invariably an end.
INT. – BAR – MOMENTS LATER
Tammy notices Patty’s a little sour and inquires about her friend. Patty calls her a “nosy-ass neighbor” and Tammy does admit to thinking Allison a little rude. Patty orders a beer and Tammy a vodka soda, swearing she’s fine, though Tammy falls back.
INT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN – LATER
Kevin’s struggling to finish his gargantuan feast with Sean trouncing him. He’s on the verge of collapse when suddenly Jenn and Sam come to congratulate the birthday boy. Jenn notices Sean, as she is a big fan of the Rangers. That being a fan of the Giants and the Knicks as well sends Kevin into a choking fit. Sam saves him and then excuses herself to go after Nick.
Nick doesn’t want to talk to Allision at the moment. He’s just the busboy, but Sam goes in to see after Allison and notices her arguing with him. Asking who that was, Allison swears he’s just some guy from around the neighborhood. Allison didn’t specify what “thing she had” but neither did Sam, so in her purview, they are even. Sam maintains that they are far from since she’s the one in control of the dynamics of the relationship and leaves.
INT. – TRICKY RICKY’S – MOMENTS LATER
Fatigued and halfway dressed from the Grand Victorian, Kevin rushes in, snatches a hapless kid’s tickets, and tries to make a half-assed excuse for his absence to Neil as to why he’s a bucket of sweat in a tie. The son of a bitch pulled it off, especially explaining his ‘ticket alarm’, causing the trio to break once more for Kevin’s prize of a lifetime and it ain’t his wife.
INT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN – LATER
Fitz and Parker along with a good portion of the restaurant are rallying behind Kevin but looks like Boston is in for another L. Sean nearly has this in the bag, causing Kevin to have an out-of-body experience with sports legend and Celtics TV analyst Brian Scalabrine. With a rousing speech now in his skull, Kevin’s spirit returns back to its corporeal self and the son of a bitch crushes it in defiance of his own stomach and GOD!! Only in a sitcom can this amount of gluttony be applauded to his wife’s abject revulsion.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – LATER
Kevin relaxes in his dumb foam cowboy hat on his new brown massaging chair. Pete’s reading his Bible and Allison sits alone on the couch, staring into the void. She’ll be exchanging it tomorrow for the “right” color- black. Allison storms out in frustration, citing “she left something in her car.”
EXT. – PATTY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Patty and Tammy stroll the sidewalk, Tammy inquires about what the hell happened when Allison entered the picture. Everything was going fine until she had shown up and tammy, truly expressing she likes Patty. Patty summarily smooches on sight. Tammy reciprocates evenly.
EXT. – THE GRAND VICTORIAN – NIGHT
Allison rolls up on Nick having a smoke. Filled with a fiery conviction, she gives him the what for and demands the shit be done on her terms or no payday. The guy is dead to rights with no recourse but to agree.
This episode was the most frenetic by far, causing more single-cam and multi-cam cutaways that always keep the suspicion of the next scene fresh. As I said before, the rules may vary. With the proximity of all three locations, it felt actually tenser as well. It wasn’t a Frasier episode, but I could actually see the cloth it was cut from. With Patty’s bold move, we see a ton more growth than we do with any of the characters thus far. This should make for a nice digestif before our dessert.
