We are a few weeks away from SummerSlam in New York. Already, WWE is all in with Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker with the enormous brawl from last week. That’s already a hotter match than what ever Rollins will be a part of…let’s see what WWE does next…
We start with clips of The Undertaker from last week, declaring himself a vengeful, angry Cookie Monster grim reaper and the ensuing brawl with Lesnar later on in the show.
And we are LIVE(!!!) from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma for WWE Monday Night RAW!!!
JBL, Cole and Byron Saxton are the guys at the desk.
DANIELLE: Where’s King?
ME: King’s doing Smackdown now.
DANIELLE: Since when?
ME: He’s been doing it for months.
DANIELLE: Why couldn’t they send Cole to Smackdown???
Triple H, Steph and Seth Rollins all walk out to the ring to start us off. Triple H welcomes everyone to Monday Night RAW and says that SummerSlam will be epic — because it’s now going to be four fucking goddamn wrist-slitting hours. Sigh. Triple H announces a huge match tonight between Dean Ambrose and Big Show. Yay…? Steph announces that Paige faces Sasha Banks. Crowd goes mild. Triple H announces that Kevin Owens will, for the first time ever, face off against Randy Orton. Steph says that Alicia Fox and Nikki Bella will take on Becky Lynch and Charlotte.
Rollins says he’s getting fired up, hearing all this. He brags about walking into Battleground as champion and walking out champion. He wants the crowd to stand up and admit that Rollins is one of, if not the greatest, champions of all-time.
John Cena’s music hits. He says that Rollins is a jackass and a joke — not the greatest. He’s not asking Rollins to do anything about anything tonight. He’s here, instead, to talk to Triple H and Steph. Tonight is a night of “firsts”. He wants to see if Rollins can become a man. He wants to take on Seth Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship because, fuck Brock Lesnar and everyone else. He’s John fucking Cena. Rollins tells Cena to shut up for “the first time ever”. He says that the belt around his waist isn’t he U.S. Championship. It’s THE Championship. Steph stops him and asks for a crowd vote. The crowd pops for the idea. So Steph says…NOOOOO. No Heavyweight Championship match for Cena. He has to earn it. Triple H says that nobody wants to see the Championship defended on RAW. So, tonight, it will be John Cena vs. Seth Rollins — but it will be for the United States Championship. (DANIELLE: That’s…that’s ridiculous.) The crowd completely dies as The Authority walks off. Way to kill the crowd.
JBL defends this bullshit. Cole can’t believe it.
TONIGHT:
- Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens
- Paige vs. Sasha Banks
- Dean Ambrose vs. Big Show — NEXT.
When we come back, Miz is on commentary, because that’s what he does now.
MATCH #1: Dean Ambrose vs. Big Show
Show misses a chest slap and Ambrose just starts punching and chopping at him. Show knocks him down, then lunges at him when he gets back up. Ambrose ducks and Show goes outside. Ambrose dropkicks him, then dives at him. Ambrose goes top rope but Show chops him on the way down. When we come back from another break, Show has Ambrose in a leglock. Ambrose starts untying Show’s boot. Show drops him and re-laces it for like a full minute while Ambrose just sits in the corner, watching. Ambrose finally attacks and locks in a Sleeper. Finally, Show breaks free and Ambrose rolls out of the ring. Show follows but Ambrose punches at him and drops his neck on the ropes. Ambrose goes top rope but Show catches him and hits a Reverse Side Suplex for two. Show calls for the Chokeslam but Ambrose counters into a DDT. Ambrose kicks and punches some more. Show shoves him into the ropes. Ambrose comes back with the Rebound Clothesline and hits the Chokeslam. Show gets 2 1/2. Show hits ANOTHER Chokeslam and Ambrose ends up outside the ring. The ref counts but Ambrose gets back in at eight. Show hits a HUGE Superkick and Ambrose goes outside again. Show hits a Flying Bus outside, then goes back in the ring. Ambrose is dead outside — and just barely gets back in at nine. Ambrose gets in the ring, then falls out again. Show chases and presses him but Ambrose lands on his feet and kicks Show in the head. Ambrose dives at him again but it’s the KO Punch by Show. Ambrose tries to get to his feet but it’s a countout ending at 11:19.
WINNER: Big Show via countout
RATING: *. 11 minutes for a countout? Why is Big Show even around anymore? If the point was that “Ambrose” never quits…we kinda already knew that.
Post-match, Show runs at Ambrose outside. Ambrose sidesteps and Show just destroys the timekeeper’s pit.
Cole and the boys talk about the announcement that SummerSlam is 4 hours this year.
TONIGHT: Luke Harper comes back to the Wyatt Family unlike the last time where he came back.
ALSO: Neville.
MATCH #2: Fandango vs. Neville
Fandango hits a clothesline off a series of ducks and counters, then hits a Reverse Surfboard. Neville breaks and kicks at Fandango. Fandango falls out of the ring and hits a Moonsault to Fandango outside. Neville goes top rope and hits the Red Arrow back in the ring to win this at 1:52.
WINNER: Neville via Red Arrow
RATING: n/a – squash
Post-match, Stardust appears on the Jumbotron because, suddenly, he’s a “Super-Villain” and Neville is a “Superhero”. Stardust says he will be the one to recognize the WWE Universe and there isn’t a thing Neville can do to stop him.
STILL TO COME:
- Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens
- Paige vs. Sasha Banks
- Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores
- Seth Rollins vs. John Cena for the WWE United States Championship
Paige is backstage with Charlotte and Becky. Paige says the WWE Universe loves the two of them. They cheer themselves. Sasha Banks, Naomi and Tamina show up to set things straight. Paige tells them that they’re not taking all the credit for the sudden DIVASAREALLIMPORTANTNOW thing Steph has invented. Paige says they do dominate, though. Paige yacks about being a two-time Divas Champ and NXT Champ. Charlotte goes, “WOO”, which is coming off as incredibly self-serving and annoyingly desperate and everyone in the room starts getting into each other’s faces.
MATCH #3: Paige (w/ Charlotte & Becky Lynch) vs. Sasha Banks (w/ Naomi & Tamina)
The two grapple and then fall out of the ring. Paige clotheslines Banks using the top rope, then knees her in the head for two. She puts Banks in the corner and begins elbowing her in the face. Banks rolls Paige up for two and hits a wristlock. Both Divas botch the next move and try to dropkick one another. Then they stand up. Banks goes for a handshake. Paige kicks her, knocks her down and headbutts her. Paige hits a Fallaway Slam for two. Paige applies a headlock. Sasha breaks but Paige converts into an armbar. Sasha breaks and gets tossed from the ring, so Paige hits a Suicide Dive taking out Banks as well as Naomi and Tamina. Whe we come back, Banks has a chinlock on Paige. During the match, the ref tossed every single valet from the ring, which is a goddamn relief. Banks rams Paige into the buckle as the Bellas watch from the back. Sasha stomps on Paige’s ribs off the buckle and gets a two count. Banks chokes Paige on the ropes and knees her in the face. She mocks Paige with the THIS IS MY HOUSE yell. Paige rolls her up for two. Banks comes back with a clothesline and locks Paige’s arms around her own neck. Paige tries to break and does, kicking at Banks. Paige batters her with knees in the corner and hits some weak clotheslines. A dropkick and Superkick later, Paige goes for the PTO. Banks kicks out. Paige ends up in the corner. Banks hits a running knee and covers for two. Paige comes back, working Banks in the corner with kicks, then locks her chin but Banks gets to the ropes. Paige tries to slam Banks but Banks counters into the Banks Statement for the win at 13:46.
WINNER: Banks via Banks Statement
RATING: ***1/4. Good Divas match. Made all the better when the ref told all the other women to go backstage.
TONIGHT: Cena takes on Rollins.
Renee Young has Rollins backstage. He asks Renee who won at ‘Mania and who walked out of Battleground. She talks technicalities but Rollins isn’t having it and says that he has beaten people on his own. He says he’s sick of Cena saying that the “future of WWE goes through him”. Tonight, he’ll show Cena that the future has passed him by.
NEXT: Rusev and Summer are here.
“The Terminator” is now a playable character in WWE 2K16. The T2 bar scene re-enacted with WWE employees is actually pretty funny.
When we come back, Rusev and Lana Rae are in the ring. Rusev says he is smitten and his heart is gonna BURST OUT for the woman who “healed his soul”. He says that it’s tradition for women to be subservient to men and it’s also tradition to give women gifts. So he gives her an actual live puppy. The puppy’s ugly and pees on itself and it’s neutered, so Rusev calls him “Dog Ziggler”. Rusev isn’t done with the gifts. He gives Summer a fish. She’s disgusted. “Take the fish,” says Rusev. Oh, dear god…he says the fish is like Lana. It’s cold, like she is. Lana shows up at the top of the ramp and makes her way to down to the ring. She says that Rusev constantly tries to embarrass her and lie about her but everyone can see right through it. She says that Rusev still thinks about her. Summer shows off her body and says that Lana really is a fish. Lana kicks her in the knee, then rubs her face in the fish. Rusev screams at Lana. Lana slaps the taste out of his mouth and leaves the ring. So Rusev throws the fish at her. I can’t believe I just typed any of the above. Summer shrieks like an insane person.
WHAT A FIRST!!!
STILL TO COME: Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens
NEXT: Another look at the Lesnar/Taker feud from last week.
We get that montage.
NEXT WEEK: BROCK IS COMING TO SAN JOSE FOR RAW!!! WE WILL BE THERE!!!
The Prime Time Players are here at ringside.
MATCH #4: Lucha Dragons (Kalisto & Sin Cara) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito)
Flippy goodness. It’s roll-ups and reversals and counters to start. Cara hits a Spinning Backbreaker. Kalisto gets in and Cara splashes him on top of Matador #1. Kalisto flips all over the place and hits a Bridge Pin. #1 hits a Springboard Elbow and slaps Kalisto in the corner. He charges but Kalisto kicks him and hits a Frankensteiner followed by an arm drag. Cara gets in and hits a Splash. Matador #2 tags in. Cara tries to splash them both. A bunch of counters and one of the Matadors ends up outside. Cara gets kicked outside as well. A Matador stalks Cara and puts him back inside the ring with a headlock. Cara breaks but it’s a tag to the other Matador and the two just kinda own Cara for the next couple minutes. Cara gets hit with a Double Arm Hook Suplex and it’s a tag to #1 who stomps at Cara’s knee. #1 sweeps his leg like he’s Cobra Kai and it’s a tag to #2. Cara finally rolls up #2 and drops him to the mat. It’s a hot tag to Kalisto who hits a nice Springboard Cross Body and a Leaping DDT off the top rope. Kalisto hits a flipping Enzuguri — and the New Day shows up to fuck with everything. The New Day holds a sign over Kofi reading “REAL MEGA DAD OF THE YEAR”. They dance while Kalisto rolls up one of the Matadors for the win at 8:06.
WINNER: Lucha Dragons
RATING: **. The match felt twice as long as it was. Not bad action but the crowd was dead, the commentary was god-awful for all eight minutes (with JBL and Titus arguing over Puerto Rico and the performers in the ring) and then you had New Day arbitrarily showing up to boot. If there was ever a “revolution” needed, it’s definitely the tag team division.
Post-match, The New Day argues with PTP while the Lucha Dragons celebrate their win.
Cole reviews Battleground where Luke Harper cost Roman Reigns his match against Bray Wyatt.
LAST MONDAY: Dean Ambrose helped Roman Reigns beat up the Wyatts.
Bray and Luke Harper are in the ring. Bray asks the audience if they love their family members. Bray says that the children probably think that the world is lovely. He says that the children are being lied to. He says that nobody loves the children. The truth is shocking and terrifying. He says that schools and government and churches are all corrupt. Bray starts talking about his “pet”. (DANIELLE: Dog Ziggler?) He says that he let his pet go into the real world. When his pet came back, he had a scar. He was different and he never left Wyatt’s side. His pet learned that the world’s teeth are sharper than his. Harper is a damaged man. He says he fixed Harper like he fixed a broken toy. Wyatt tells Harper to speak of the truth. Harper says that he’s the way he is because the world shunned him. They all created Luke Harper. Bray saved him. He tells Reigns to prepare for mud if he’s also praying for rain. He pledges his life for Wyatt. Wyatt grabs the mic and says it’s all about family, good or bad. He says that Reigns doesn’t care for Dean Ambrose. He says that Reigns should know that they’re there. Follow the buzzards. Pointless. As. Fuck. I don’t care about any of this.
TONIGHT: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins
MATCH #5: Charlotte & Becky Lynch (w/ Paige) vs. Alicia Fox & WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella)
Nikki works on Becky’s arm to start. Becky comes back with a couple armdrags and an armbar. Tag to Charlotte. The two women hit a double dropkick on Nikki. Charlotte hits a quick bridge pin for two. She chops at Nikki but Nikki kicks her away and tags Alicia. Alicia hits a wristlock. Charlotte trips her up. Fox lands weird and retreats to the corner. Charlotte goes after her but Alicia flips her over the top rope. Nikki attacks Charlotte but Charlotte hits a forearm, sending her to the floor. Alicia kicks Charlotte in the head and Charlotte falls next to the mat. Fox kicks her in the ribs and hits the Northern Lights Suplex for two. Fox tags Nikki who trips Charlotte and gets a two. Abdominal Stretch by Nikki. Charlotte breaks it and charges Nikki who sends her to the mat and does push-ups. Nikki hits a suplex with the help of the top rope. Two count. Tag to Fox and it’s a double suplex by Team Bella. Two count. Fox goes for a Surfboard but botches it and Charlotte falls on her for two. Charlotte tags Becky who sends Nikki to the mat, then hits a quick suplex for two. Becky hits an Arm Hook Suplex. Nikki attacks but Charlotte sends her out of the ring. Fox charges at Becky who hits the Dis-Armer for the win at 6:00.
WINNERS: Charlotte & Becky Lynch
RATING: **. Not a bad match but a bit muddled. Nikki and Fox look way out of their league with these two.
ON TOUGH ENOUGH: Patrick was eliminated. Team B.A.D. will be on the show tomorrow.
NEXT: Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens
When we come back, Sheamus is at ringside, doing commentary.
MATCH #6: Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens
Owens and Orton go face to face. Owens barks at Orton. Orton barks back. Owens slaps Orton. Orton kicks Owens. Orton hits an uppercut. Owens rolls out of the ring. Orton follows him after Owens jaws at him. They brawl outside. Orton sends Owens into the barricade and hits a clothesline. He rolls Owens back inside and starts stomping on Owens’ foot. Owens gets up and fights back, hitting a running clothesline. He picks up Orton, taunting him. Orton responds with a dropkick. Owens rolls outside. Orton hits uppercuts. Owens retaliates with a Fallaway Slam into the crowd barrier. After break Owens kicks Orton to the mat and hits a Reverse Senton for two. Owens mocks the Orton arms taunt. He picks Randy up but Orton starts hitting shots to Orton. Orton hits a backbreaker and both men are down. They get up and Owens hits a clothesline for two. He chokes Orton on the ropes and yells at Cole again. Owens elbows Orton in the corner and tosses him into the corner. He hits a clothesline and Orton goes down. Owens misses the Canonball Splash and Orton hits clotheslines and the In-Stride Powerslam. Orton hits a Fisherman’s Suplex Throw. Owens rolls outside the ropes. Orton goes for the Vintage Orton DDT but Owens blocks and the fight spills outside. Orton measures Owens for a kick but Sheamus gets up and hits a Brogue to get the DQ at around 11:15. Cole laments that “Sheamus ruined a great match”, if you can believe that.
WINNER: Randy Orton via DQ
RATING: **. This match never had the intensity required to make it “great”, contrary to Cole’s weird ratings system.
Sheamus attacks Orton in the ring. Cesaro shows up to help out but Owens takes him out and hits the PA! PA! POWERBOMB!!! to make the crowd hate him to death. Owens taunts Cesaro, then mocks Orton again.
Renee Young has John Cena backstage. She wants to know what happens if Rollins beats him tonight. Cena says that one of two things will happen: Rollins leaves here with two championships or Cena shocks the world and beats Rollins.
ON SMACKDOWN: Becky Lynch faces Nikki Bella.
MATCH #7: John Cena (champion) vs. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Seth Rollins (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship
After a series of armbars, Cena hits a shoulderblock, sending Rollins out of the ring. Once he regroups, Rollins gets back in and ends up in a side headlock. Rollins breaks with an Irish Whip but Cena hits a shoulder tackle and hip toss. Cena goes for the AA but Rollins kicks out and hits a lariat. Cena tries to fight but Rollins knocks him down and hits a kneedrop for two. When we come back, Rollins gets a pin for two. Rollins hits a suplex. Two count. Another suplex/two count and Cena gets to his feet. Rollins misses a clothesline and ir’s Moves #1 and 2. Rollins gets out of the #3 and kicks Cena for tow. Cena kicks out and hits #3 anyhow. He goes for the 5KS but Rollins kicks him and rushes at Cena in the corner. Cena hits the Tornado DDT out of the corner for two. Cena sets up and tries for the AA. Rollins escapes and shoves Cena outside. He dives at Cena and tosses him back inside. Rollins goes top rope and it’s a knee to Cena’s face for two. Rollins sets up for the Pedigree. Cena breaks out and puts Rollins on his shoulders for an Electric Chair Drop. Two count. The two trade shots. Rollins gets the upper hand and knees him in the face. Cena is bleeding profusely from his nose. Not good at all. He gets up and rushes at Rollins, punching away. Rollins fights him off, gets to a corner and hits the Buckle Bomb for two. A doctor rushes in and towels Cena off. Rollins attacks and it’s a Springboard Stunner by Cena. He goes for the AA but Rollins kicks out and hits a short Superkick for two. Rollins picks Cena up — but Cena hits an AA for a close fall. Once again, a doctor tends to Cena whose nose looks like it was hit by a frying pan. Cena climbs the top rope but Rollins runs up to meet him for a Superplex, followed by a Thunder Drive for two. Rollins goes for the 450 Splash but misses and Cena puts Rollins into the STF. Rollins taps at around 17 minutes.
WINNER: John Cena via STF
RATING: ***1/4. Really good match even though it was Cena running over Rollins for the most part. The STF submission was quick, only because Cena broke his nose.
Cena celebrates as we go off the air. He is in obvious pain.
OVERALL: Solid show, for the most part. WWE’s in flux before SummerSlam. Cena’s broken nose is going to have an interesting affect on future booking.
Er…that’s it.
