We are “24 hours removed” from Battleground, a show that really would have been great had we not had an angle instead of a main event. WWE spent weeks building up a rematch between Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar — only to have the match go eight weak minutes before a complete non-finish featuring The Undertaker. Apparently, he leads off the show this Monday. Let’s get going…
We start with clips of last night’s World Title match at Battleground.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Kansas City, Missouri for WWE Monday Night RAW!!!
JBL, Cole and Byron Saxton are the guys on the mics.
And The Undertaker does, indeed, lead us off. The crowd cheers for him as he looks around. He growls into the mic. He says he stands in the ring as a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded Grim Reaper. Streaks are made to be broken, he says. He says that’s the painful truth. But Lesnar had to keep rubbing it in for over a year. He says, “ENOUGH”. He says that Lesnar turned smoldering ashes into a raging inferno. Last night was his true resurrection. He says that Lesnar cannot kill what won’t die. He says that unleashed forces set their careers towards new destinies. He says that he will conquered what hasn’t been conquered. And just like life, be it like man or beast…Lesnar will rest in peace.
Not a bad promo and about 7 days shorter than anything presented by The Authority.
Triple H and Steph are backstage. He’s so excited about ‘Taker being back. It’s a SummerSlam match. He says that he’s gonna set it all up. He’s gonna call Heyman and tell him to stay away because he has no idea what Lesnar will do. Steph will set up the marketing.
TONIGHT: John Cena, Cesaro and Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens, Rusev and Sheamus.
NEXT: Charlotte vs. Brie Bella
Tamina, Naomi and Sasha Banks are “on commentary”. Boy, the more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?
MATCH #1: Charlotte (w/ Paige & Becky Lynch) vs. Brie Bella (w/ WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella & Alicia Fox)
Brie won’t let go of a headlock. Charlotte does everything to break out as Naomi talks about how her and her Divas are “bad like Michael Jackson”. Finally, Charlotte breaks the headlock. Brie escapes outside. Charlotte dives at Brie. Brie moves and Charlotte hits nothing but pavement in a spot that looks like what wasn’t really intended. After an unnecessary break, Charlotte gets out of an armbar. Brie does YES kicks because, suddenly, she’s the face here. She kicks Charlotte hard and pins her for two. Finally, Charlotte rolls Brie up for a two count. Brie retaliates with a dropkick for two. Brie puts on a chinlock but Charlotte breaks that shit immediately, so that saves two minutes. Brie immediately hits a Missile Dropkick off the buckle and gets two. And it’s another headlock spot by Brie. Charlotte breaks, catches Brie’s leg and starts hitting Flair Chops which looks like somebody attempting to swat at a spider without actually touching it. She knocks Brie down and goes for the Figure Eight. Nikki leaps on the mat but Charlotte knocks her off. Brie runs at Charlotte. Charlotte clotheslines her and hits the Figure Eight for the win at 9:00.
WINNER: Charlotte via Figure Eight
RATING: **. This was like watching Natalya and Brie when Natalya was good. It’s still not great.
AT SUMMERSLAM: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker
TONIGHT: Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper
Triple H is backstage, talking to Paul Heyman. Miz tries to interrupt. That’s not happening. Triple H tells Heyman that Lesnar has the night off. The Miz asks wants Triple H to know he’s pissed at Big Show for what happened last night. So, Triple H says that Miz is going one-on-one with the Big Show. Miz protests. Triple H doesn’t care and says, “Get out of here, Obi-Wan.” (DANIELLE: I love this segment. Five stars.)
MATCH #2: Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) (non-title)
Young starts. He hits a forearm and legdrop. Another forearm by Young and another charge but Young ends up on the bottom rope. A splash by Matador #1. Tag to #2. Quick moves and a double team. Two count. #1 stomps at Young. #2 comes in for a Twin Legsweep. Two count. Finally, Young hits a belly to belly. Hot tag to Titus. He desroys #2 and tosses him across the ring. Titus splashes him in the corner and shoulderblocks him. Young hits a Side Suplex on #1 — and The New Day interrupts. #2 hits the Backstabber. The end at 4:04.
WINNERS: Los Matadores
RATING: *1/2. This match was gonna be that regardless of the interference. And would it kill WWE to tell us which Matador is in the ring?
Post-match, The New Day celebrates.
TONIGHT: Luke Harper vs. Eric Rowan
ALSO: The Big 6-Man Tag
MATCH #3: The Miz vs. Big Show
Miz leaves the ring. Show lifts him back in. Miz kicks Show and stomps him. Show comes back with a shoulderblock and chest slap. Huge slam by Show. Huge elbow drop off the ropes. Done at 1:27.
WINNER: Big Show
RATING: n/a – squash
Post-match, Show has a mic. He wants Miz to clarify his insults from last night. He says that Ryback has the Championship. Crowd cheers for Ryback. Show barks about getting the title.
Painter Rob Schamberger is backstage with a new painting of John Cena. Triple H and Steph want another one for SummerSlam for the big main event…and then they spot Paul Heyman backstage. They stop him and ask “What the fuck”. Heyman says that Lesnar isn’t in the arena. He accepts the Undertaker’s challenge. Heyman’s just here to deliver Lesnar’s retort. Triple H and Steph don’t trust Heyman. They say they need more security…and the entire locker room.
Steph and Triple H suddenly care about everyone. Steph lets everyone know about what’s going on. Triple H says that he needs help to put bodies between ‘Taker and Lesnar. They all bark at one another.
Paul Heyman’s in the ring. He says his client is not the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World because of The Undertaker — and not because of his domination of Seth Rollins. He says that Brok Lesnar was the one to conquer The Undertaker’s undefeated streak at WrestleMania. He says he knows that this pisses off The Undertaker. Heyman acknowledges bragging about it. Why wouldn’t he? So many people before Brock would have had they beaten The Undertaker. Brock didn’t fail. He succeeded. And, now, ‘Taker’s back and looking for retribution. So, now, it’s The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar. Since The Undertaker wants this to be personal, he’ll make it personal, too. He yells about breaking the streak over and over — until ‘Taker shows up in the ring after the bell tolls.
‘Taker corners Heyman in the ring — and Lesnar’s music hits. Lesnar runs down to the ring and it’s on. Lesnar is all over ‘Taker with a press. ‘Taker reverses and it’s just a good ol’ fight. Suddenly, “Security” runs out to stop Lesnar and ‘Taker…but that’s like stopping a bullet with a piece of paper. Triple H calls out every single wrestler in WWE and TNA. They get between the two but Lesnar and ‘Taker STILL manage to get their licks in. After a few misfires, we go to commercial.
When we come back, Lesnar and ‘Taker were moved backstage. But they still manage to fight. Finally, Lesnar is subdued and cuffed with plastic wiring. Lesnar is removed from the arena.
And after another break, we get a MOMENTS AGO segment, showing everything we just saw.
Triple H is with Steph. He says he’s not “pressing charge”. (DANIELLE: For…?) Seth Rollins shows up, laughing. Seth wants to say stuff to the WWE Universe. The Authority allows it.
Cole runs us through the Wyatt/Reigns match.
Then we get one of those Wyatt sauna promos where you basically say, “That’s nice” after it ends.
Harper and Reigns come out for their match…but Dean Ambrose interrupts. He tells Roman that he’s got Reigns’ back.
MATCH #4: Luke Harper (w/ Bray Wyatt) vs. Roman Reigns (w/ Dean Ambrose)
Reigns clubs Harper ten times and works Harper in the corner. Harper comes back with an Irish Whip but Reigns clothesline him. Harper regroups and works Reigns in the corner but Reigns retaliates wiht shots in the corner, an Irish Whip and a running clothesline. Reigns hits a suplex. After a break, Reigns breaks a headlock but Harper traps him again. Reigns breaks but Harper sends him outside. Reigns breaks the count at nine and gets back in the ring. The two fight but Harper runs Reigns’ arm into the ringpost. It’s another clutch by Harper. Reigns breaks and hits forearms. Harper runs at Reigns but misses and falls out of the ring. Reigns kicks Harper and hits a huge uppercut. Reigns hits a big clothesline and hulks up. He whips Harper into the corner. Harper comes back and runs into the Samoan Drop. Reigns goes outside for the Drive-By Dropkick. Bray gets in the way. Reigns beats up Wyatt and hits a Double Drive-By. Bray fights back for the DQ at 13:02 after all of that.
WINNER: Roman Reigns via DQ
RATING: *1/2. This was long, clunky and boring. I don’t give a rat’s ass about Harper. I don’t give a shit about Wyatt or this feud. None of this is interesting.
Post-match, it’s a Pier 6 with the Wyatts dumping Ambrose and attacking Reigns. They set him up for trouble. Ambrose gets back in the ring and attacks Wyatt. Harper gets to Ambrose. Ambrose hits the Rebound Clothesline. Wyatt attacks Ambrose but Reigns comes alive and hits the Superman Punch. The Wyatts ditch the ring and the faces stand tall.
We get another reminder of what happened between Rollins and Lesnar at Battleground.
Rollins comes out to speak. He tells the arena they were wrong about him. He says that everyone bought into the “Suplex City” thing with their shirts. He says that everyone doubted him when his entourage got roughed up — but here he is. He’s still the champ. He says that Lesnar may have ended The Streak. But he beat Lesnar. He tells the fans they never will begin to understand what Rollins’ life is like. His life is being the champion. He is the end-all, be-all of WWE Champion history. He says he was robbed last night and he wants to fix that. He calls Lillian Garcia into the ring to announce that he won. Garcia does so after being corrected.
John Cena’s music hits. He comes down to the ring. He sends Garcia out of the ring and tells the fans not to put up with Rollins’ crap anymore. Rollins congratulates Cena on his win at Battleground and tries to leave the ring. Cena calls him back and says that him and Rollins won the title on the same night. The difference between him and Rollins, however, is that Cena defends the title. Rollins is just a suck-up. The crowd chants “USA”. Rollins tells them to shut up and says that Cena’s just beating anyone who comes down to the ring. He says that the crowd hates Cena’s guts and his constant title defenses are sad attempts to cover that up. He tells Cena to issue his challenge. Rollins tries to leave. Cena calls him a coward and says the real champ is here. He says the man makes the title. As a man, Cena says that Rollins is a joke. Cena takes off the cap and shirt. Rollins takes off his shirt as well. They tease a fight…but Rollins bails.
TONIGHT: The 6-Man Tag Match
Cole recaps Steph single-handedly “rescuing” the Divas Division.
Another Divas match — with the Bellas on commentary. Yaaaaay.
MATCH #5: Paige & Becky Lynch (w/ Charlotte) vs. NXT Divas Champion Sasha Banks & Naomi (w/ Tamina)
Lynch and Banks start. Lynch hits a couple armdrags. Tag to Noami and she tees off on Lynch in the heel corner. Naomi shoves Lynch to the mat Two count. Lynch breaks and starts hitting legdrops. Two count. Tag to Paige. Paige hits an Irish Whip and Naomi trips over her. Naomi gets up and tags Banks. Paige slams her and tags in Lynch. Paige hits a high knee. Lynch follows with a high kick in the corner. After a break, Naomi has slammed Lynch and hit an elbow drop. Two count. Naomi puts on a Front Facelock. Lynch breaks free. Naomi hits a back elbow off a charge to get two. Tag to Banks who slaps Lynch on a run. Banks turns and hits a forearm on Paige. Banks turns and tags in Naomi. The two hit a double elbow. Banks back in after that. Banks hits a Backstabber on Lynch. Lynch breaks and tries to tag Paige. She finally does after three attempts and Paige comes in to roll Naomi with clotheslines and dropkick. Paige hits a Superkick and the PTO. Sasha comes in with a high kick to break it. Paige sends her out of the ring. Tamina climbs up on the mat. Paige dispatches her as well. Naomi tags Banks who gets to her feet. She comes in with a Backstabber and Banks Statement to get Paige to tap at 13:30.
WINNERS: Banks and Naomi
RATING: **. Far too long. I don’t feel one way or the other about any of these people. Lynch doesn’t impress me and neither does Naomi. And do we really have to have every single new Diva at ringside from here on out?
WWE promotes Jake Gyllenhall in “Southpaw”. Lita, Booker and Billy Gunn all compare his training to Tough Enough. I kinda doubt it.
ON SMACKDOWN: Sasha and Naomi face The Bella Twins. Yay.
EARLIER TONIGHT: The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar got into a fight.
AT SUMMERSLAM: The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
2 WEEKS AGO: Rusev and Ziggler cross paths and Ziggler suffers a broken ankle.
Renee Young has Lana backstage. She says that Ziggler is recovering. No damage to his windpipe. He’s talking now, too. Summer shows up, looking like Lana. Summer says she’s keeping the look. Rusev shows up and he’s entranced. Rusev loses about 80 percent of his accent fawning all over Summer. Rusev tells Lana that she looks tired. Summer slaps Lana in the face and leaves.
MATCH #6: Cesaro, Randy Orton & WWE United States Champion John Cena vs. Kevin Owens, Rusev (w/ Summer Rae) & Sheamus
Cena faces Kevin Owens but Owens chickens out and tags Rusev. Cena flies at Rusev who catches him and hits a Fallaway Slam. Owens is tagged in and he punches at Cena. Owens calls himself The Man after stomping at Cena. Cena immediately hits the STF. Owens escapes it and hits a DDT. Owens misses a Cannonball. Tag to Cesaro and Sheamus. Cesaro hits a cross body and uppercuts in the corner. He goes for the Swing. Owens tries to make a save. Cesaro drops him. Rusev comes in and hits a Superkick. Cesaro goes down. When we come back from a break, Sheamus has Cesaro in a headlock. Cesaro counters into a suplex. Tag to Owens. He ambushes Cesaro who boots him in the face. Tag to Sheamus who splashes him in the corner, hits a running knee and a lariat. He pushes Cesaro into the heel corner. Tag to Rusev but Cesaro punches at him and drops him. Tag to Owens. Cesaro uppercuts him and tosses Owens into Sheamus. Owens hits a Gutbuster. Sheamus is furious and asks Owens what he was doing. The two shove it out. Sheamus drops him and leaves with the MITB case. Rusev is still down. Owens has nobody to tag. He quickly hits a Reverse Senton. Owens and Rusev get into it. Owens tags Rusev and calls him an idiot. Rusev shoves him. Owens nails him with a Superkick and HE leaves. It’s the faces vs. Rusev. Cesaro hits a hot tag to Orton. Orton hits the Powerslam in Stride after a couple clotheslines. Orton hits an Exploder and goes for Vintage Orton. He hits that and goes for the RKO. Rusev dodges and hits a Superkick. Out comes Lana. She removes her heels and attacks Summer, kicking the shit out of her. Rusev tells her to leave. Lana does after getting what she wanted. AA by Cena to Rusev. Swing by Cesaro. Cesaro slingshots Rusev into Orton for the RKO and the win at 14:57.
WINNER: Cena/Orton/Cesaro
RATING: ***. This was basically a SNME match on Monday. Liked watching it.
The faces celebrate as we go off the air.
OVERALL: A lot of talking and filler this week. The only upside was the great ‘Taker/Lesnar segment and the main event which mostly delivered. Solid show for what it was.
Er, that’s it.
