Season 1, Episode 4: “Haunted House”
Grade: B+
I’m Terence. I’m being forced to watch ‘Scream Queens’. Let’s recap what’s happened so far.
Episode 1&2: Red Devil seems to be seeking revenge for a death at the worst sorority ever. Ariana Grande dies. Nick Jonas doesn’t die.
Episode 3: People died? Also, there were two Red Devils. Oh, and the new school mascot died, which was a huge ice cream cone.
Everyone caught up? Cool. Let’s start shall we?
1. Hah, 752 Instagram followers. Your shit is weak, Chanel.
2. Also, fuck emojis.
3. Oh gee, sorority girls love Halloween? What a surprise?
4. I like that they specified the “Gregorian” calendar. I wasn’t aware Greek life used the Mayan Calendar as a standard.
5. Oof, the dig at nursing schools. Uncalled for.
6. Chanel-o-ween? Couldn’t the writers think of anything better?
7. Okay, I tried thinking of something better, didn’t come up. Well played.
8. I wonder how the actresses they hired to play her followers felt about this.
9. Well, at least she’s honest about her intentions.
10. This is like reverse Oprah. She’s thin, white, and horrible.
11. Okay, the fake magazine covers were kinda great.
12. Of course JLC is innocent, duh. Get your shit together.
13. Jamie Lee Curtis, never change. Your use of logic is probably the only thing that’s funny.
14. Faculty Halloween party, sure nothing will go wrong.
15. Once again, Niecy Nash is a revelation. The adults carry this show. Love live Denise Henfield.
16. Dude, get a hint. She’s not into you.
17. Can’t you pick a better rom-com than “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days”?
18. How the fuck is that a classic?!
19. “How did you know?” Because she’s not a fucking idiot like the students in this show.
20. I don’t hate the McConauhey impression. First decent thing that character has done.
21. Human sausage, fuck, that’s dark.
22. Can we just have Jamie Lee Curtis take over this entire show? It’s obvious she has more talent in her pinky than the rest of the cast.
23. The baby was a girl, gee, ya think? GUESS WHAT. IT’S YOU GRACE.
24. Didn’t we all have that figured out in the pilot?
25. Where was black British dude in the pilot?
26. Is house president really a thing? You run for this crap?
27. Eradicating sickle cell anemia….uh, it’s a genetic disease.
28. Hurricane Andrew pumpkin, by far the winner.
29. Ugh, Grace and her stupid fucking hat.
30. Hot cup of “tellinitlikeitis”. And then she drops ‘behoove’ in there. Some interesting writing.
31. Pretty sure that’s not how you sharpen knives.
32. Ugh, Obama is the worst. It’s his fault ‘Scream Queens’ is on the air.
33. Black hairy tongue? What in the actual fuck.
34. Oh, don’t go answer the door. Are you seriously that dumb?
35. Okay, this is the dumbest adult on this show, by far.
36. Pretty sure the Red Devil and Batman went to the same ninja school.
37. When Lea Michele isn’t singing, she is much more annoying, and her acting is terrible.
38. I wish any one of those horrible things happened to the students in this cast.
39. Sigh, at least Chad is up front about what he wants, unlike the rest of these idiots.
40. Anal jokes on Fox? Damn son, standards and practices has come a long way.
41. This is the worst film studies class ever. All terrible horror movies.
42. Wes, stop talking. Please.
43. Yes Grace, you’re so special. You’re the chosen one.
44. Crazy Gracie, I like that.
45. Also, I guess that would make Grace two years older, rough awakening for her.
46. I like Grace a lot more without the hats. I don’t know why.
47. Ok, now I like those two better.
48. The Hag on Shady Lane, sounds like a song from the Civil War.
49. At least ‘Scream Queens’ is pro-library. What, that’s a thing right?
50. “More like raise the body count…with MURDER.” Anyone else saying that line would make it awful, but thank god for you Niecy Nash.
51. Ohhhhh SNAP!!! Denise pledged at Kappa?!?! TWIST!!!
52. Rejected and dropped out of school? A bit harsh.
53. I want to work at Secure Enforcement Solutions.
54. God, not everything is about you Zayday.
55. This is true, the haunted house is just an obvious trap.
56. Damn. The Chanels are getting deep into their psyches. Respect.
57. That’s fucking disgusting. Please tell me that’s not real thing, eating cottonballs.
58. Feminist bombs being dropped.
59. “Attack my crack.” Thank you Fox for teaching me new euphemisms for anal.
60. Chad, dropping the candle conservation tips.
61. Hester, just got a Scarlet Letter flashback.
62. GODDAMMIT!
63. I hate you, Bilal.
64. Well, at least Ariana Grande is actually dead. Thank god.
65. All these students are just the dumbest. The fucking worst.
66. Damn, throwing in the lessons right now.
67. Zayday won’t die. Too obvious.
68. How are police so dumb in this show?
69. Adults in the kitchen. Finally, maybe a well-acted scene.
70. Pete, jesus mate, give it a rest.
71. Grace, again with that hat. Where does she store all these things?
72. Oh, Grace has a theory? Let me guess, it’s terrible.
73. Milkmen in 1995, good observation Pete.
74. Oh gee, you have to find the hag. Couldn’t have seen that coming.
75. OH SHIT!!!
76. DAMMIT GIGI!!!!
Ok, I actually didn’t see that coming. Watch with me next week as we go through this whole painful process again. Carry me Jamie Lee, carry me with your talent.
