‘Scream Queens’ Reaction: It All Has To Do With Hats

Scream Queens
Season 1, Episode 2: “Chainsaw”
Grade: B-

The facts:

I’m a 28 year old straight male.
I hate horror.
I hate Ryan Murphy.
I was assigned this show to watch by my editor, Bilal.

Let’s get to episode two of Scream Queens:

1. Spooky music has got to go.
2. Why is Grace wearing a newsboy cap? Who does that?!
3. My theory is that key costume items are the only way to tell all those basics apart.
4. Syrup on ranch chips, still not the most disgusting thing on this show.
5. Do they actually make pink tasers?
6. How many of these fucking costumes are there on campus?
7. Abigail Breslin, touch up your roots, and what the hell are you wearing on your head? Pearl bunny ears?
8. I hate you, Bilal, for forcing me to type the previous sentence.
9. I literally gagged a little listening to Abigail Breslin talking about getting Eiffel Towered by golf dudes. She was in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ goddammit.
10. She’s still the least menacing person I’ve seen on TV.
11. Ok, so are the hats worn by Grace and her roommate somehow a tell that they’re “the good ones”?
12. “You know how many times it’s ketchup? 0% of the time.” God, I love you Niecy Nash.
13. Yay for science in this show!! Iron in the heme groups!
14. “I love me some Arby’s.” That woman is a winner. Skinny bitches don’t eat.
15. Ok, big mistake. Chanel #2 was on Facebook in the pilot, not on twitter. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT.
16. Oh god, I can’t believe I remembered that.
17. RIP Shondelle.
18. Why are the adults the only somewhat interesting and entertaining characters? Could they not afford better young actors?
19. After Ariana Grande died, I’m rooting for Grace to die next.
20. Sadly, I know that won’t happen.
21. “Hoes.” Hoes indeed.
22. Golf bro is wearing as ascot. Tragic, yet fitting.
23. Well, necrophilia is making a comeback in this episode.
24. Ah, ‘Scream Queens’, setting the standard for female self-esteem everywhere.
25. No lie, every time the writers mock psych majors, it makes me like this show a little.
26. Oh dear lord, that might be the worst obtuse “I love you” ever.
27. “Your boobs are symmetrical.” I’m taking notes on how to seduce women.
28. (869) is the area code of St. Kitts and Nevis.
29. Jamie Lee Curtis (JLC), my angel, save me from this drivel.
30. Mascot change? Let the Redskins know.
31. Coney, relatively not shock-tastic for Ryan Murphy.
32. Grace, no hat. Zayday, hat. I’m still convinced this has something to do with hats.
33. Charisma Carpenter, keepin’ it tight.
34. Chad, the new Cyrano.
35. Grace, hat. Asian lesbian, hat. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!
36. I’m going crazy.
37. Christ, Grace is a bad actress.
38. Kinda like that blazer though, dig the elbow patches.
39. If he doesn’t say ‘Casablanca’ fuck this guy.
40. ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, are you serious?
41. Okay, I hope he dies too now.
42. “Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws in our past?” Aaaaand that’s we don’t take humanities.
43. Discuss it over salad, don’t move too quickly now lovebirds.
44. Pervy mascot.
45. Coney in one scene demonstrates more agility in a costume than all of the other victims combined.
46. RIP Coney.
47. Neckbrace put on a hat. I’m telling you, something about the hats!
48. Wait, was Coney technically wearing a hat?
49. If her closet is “the most precious thing” in her life, and she compares it to a “second vagina”, does that mean her real vagina is worth more or less than this closet?
50. I physically cringed at the utterance of the phrase “closet vag”.
51. Ugh, I hate myself for saying this, but I appreciate Emma Roberts pronouncing “Lanvin” (Lahn-van) correctly.
52. Ohhhh, a ‘She’s All That’ situation!
53. Ugh, the “mommy” thing is still not okay.
54. JLC and Nasim Pedrad in the Kappa House? I’m onboard with that.
55. JLC and Pedrad love triangle? Down with it.
56. Do earmuffs count as a hat?
57. Ok, Asian lesbian can’t act, Chanel #whatever at least has a schtick.
58. Charles Manson? Kind of a reach.
59. Alibibiddites is better than Alibuddies. Just my two cents.
60. Isn’t Lea Michele getting a makeover kind of done already? Wasn’t that what Glee was about? Literally.
61. No. I will take a hard pass on “Cocaine or Dildo”.
62. Mini club as a gavel. I’m okay with that.
63. I want Chad in a guest role for CSI.
64. “Take that to build a psychological profile.” That’s freshman psych major for you.
65. Gumshoe. The last time I heard that term was in Carmen Sandiego. Who would not doubt have caught the killer in 5 seconds.
66. BACKSTREET’S BACK ALRIGHT!!!!!!!
67. White guys destroy property, what did their college win a football game?
68. Wait, no, they’re all dressed in white, it’s a Klan rally.
69. Two Red Devils, I’m okay with this.
70. It’s just a flesh wound.
71. The prosthetics work is pretty horrible in this show.
72. “But you’re gonna be right on time for JUSTICE.” Niecy Nash, you can do no wrong as Denise.
73. #Cahoots. I need to use that more in my life.
74. Grandma. Chainsaw. Oh Denise, what have you done.
75. That’s some dressing collection there.
76. How to quickdraw a chainsaw.
77. JLC is delightful. 19th century homesteader indeed.
78. That sounds like the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.
79. Whale distress calls, LOL.
80. I want that white noise machine in my life.
81. Slasher movie, oh Halloween reference for JLC.
82. That couch looks so comfortable.
83. YEAH GIGI!!!
84. I need all the adult characters to survive, it’s the only way I’m going to make it the full season.
85. You dumb dumb, Jamie Lee Curtis is not the killer. Too obvious. And you’re way too dumb.

Come again next week, and suffer through Scream Queens, like I do, every Tuesday. I think I’m slowly losing my mind watching this drivel.

I’m pretty sure it has to do with who wears hats.