Earlier, my editor messaged me to ask if I’m reviewing any shows this season. I told him no so he then asked if I could do him a favor. Being a writer with a bit too much time, I said sure. I’m a straight 28-year-old male who hates horror and Ryan Murphy shows (excluding seasons 1 and 2 of Glee–what? I have two ears and a heart). So of course, my editor convinced me to watch Scream Queens. I hate you, Bilal. I hate you so much. I hate horror and I hate Ryan Murphy.
“Do me a favor Terence, can you watch Scream Queens for me?”
“Sure. Of course.”
I hate you, Bilal. (Editor’s Note: I had no idea about any of this – Bilal)
Here are my reactions to the show in chronological order:
- Ryan Murphy track record of shock shows: Nip/Tuck, American Horror Story, definitely not my shtick. Glee? OK. Never watched Popular or The New Normal.
- Was “Waterfalls” the basic bitch song in 1995? Dunno, I was 8 at the time.
- Cleanest sorority house I’ve ever seen.
- Chanel? Her name is Chanel? What’s her middle name? Prada?
- KKT? Was KKK too on the nose?
- White Mammy, house slave, not okay.
- Jamie Lee Curtis, thank god, someone who I don’t already hate.
- Aren’t we playing a bit too into stereotypes here?
- Spray Tan Acid, at least that was creative.
- Nina Pedrad, amazing. I have a feeling the adults will carry this god forsaken show.
- Diane Sawyer, KKT, lol.
- Sideboob/White party, amazing.
- Grace looks like she’s 25.
- Game of Thrones/Sorority, y’know, except for less nudity, less intelligent writing, less character development, less Emmy’s, so nothing in common.
- Grace: “Oh, my mom died there! I should definitely join!” I hope she dies first.
- That is the biggest dorm room I’ve ever seen in my life.
- Sassy Black roommate stereotype, Jesus, speak more jive Shaft.
- And be more basic, Grace.
- Cindy McCain, Megyn Kelly, really? What, no Ann Coulter?
- Lea Michele? I guess if Ryan Murphy likes you, he likes you. Except you know, this time, her singing can’t cover up whatever drivel this is.
- Candle Vlogger, points for creativity, Murphy.
- Chad and Boone, bro-tastic names.
- Oh psych majors. Us neuro majors laugh.
- And golf bros. Fuck golf bros.
- I would actually watch a Michael Bay directed rom-com. Do two explosions having sex make smaller explosions?
- Though seriously, hippies are the worst.
- Fatties and ethnics, I think I qualify as both?
- Wrong way to pronounce “autumnal”, Emma Roberts.
- Fake coffee place, the guy that takes your order does not make the coffee, be realistic Ryan Murphy.
- Ok, Grace can’t act, and she looks like she’s 30.
- Senorita Awesome, ok, and she can’t flirt either.
- Poop smells like gingerbeer? Really bro?
- Oh, you write for the school newspaper barista dude? How original.
- Oooooh, convicted sex offender. Actually original.
- I feel walking in heels is the only life skill these girls have mastered.
- Oh, also, the actors playing the student roles are just terrible.
- WTF WTF WTF
- I hate you, Bilal.
- These bitches are playing “face burned off by oil” way too chill. I work in an ER, this is not fucking normal.
- And these pledges are way too eager to become accomplices to murder #2.
- Jamie Lee Curtis, cougar, I can see it.
- Academic blackmail for sex, ok, creativity points.
- Jamie Lee Curtis is a goddess.
- Correction, Jamie Lee Curtis is a golden goddess (…because I can’t destroy every phone in the world).
- Grace sounds like every movie villain, “I have to take it over to change it for the better!!!”
- OMG, why is this show more than an hour long?!
- Oh look, the body is gone, what a surprise….*mysterious music*
- Vega’s Pagan Page, hah!
- Ok, I just heard Ariana Grande speak, now I want her to die first.
- Abigail Breslin, aren’t you too good for this?
- Well, the Devil can certainly text quickly.
- Ok, the texting is actually great.
- DREAMS COME TRUE. ARIANA GRANDE IS DEAD!!!
- Dammit, spoke too soon. Red Devil, you’re a bitch. You’re wearing full body armor and a kick from a 70lb girl hurled you across the room.
- Ok, she died anyways, thank goodness.
- What, the devil doesn’t know he can delete a Facebook post?
- Dugongs, that’s a good one.
- “That sounds terrible.” Yes Asian Lesbian, I agree.
- God, Grace really can’t act.
- Oh gee, the perfect girl was neglected and all her horribleness is a way to compensate!!! WHAT AN ORIGINAL TROPE.
- Pretty sure fatwas are just fatwas, there are no lists.
- Ok, I love Taylor Swift, and deaf Taylor Swift was getting pretty annoying.
- Bilal, I will only do these if Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t die.
- Getting a real SVU vibe right now.
- Holy contrived way to keep girls in a house Batman!
- The fuck, who calls each other mom?
- Niecy Nash, fuck yeah!
- I want to hire KLJ Security for every occasion.
- “Bien Fait” = “Well Done” (thanks Google Translate!) Foreshadowing for Grace?
- Sigh, ‘plebe’ (from plebeian) is not pronounced pl-eeeeeeb.
- Um, where did Grace get those red glasses?
- What was that kiss? A contrived plot device!
- Seriously, Jamie Lee Curtis is carrying this show. Everyone else is just set dressing.
- Well, at least they opened the mystery door in episode 1, thank god for moving that along.
- Are we witnessing Grace’s origin story told by her archnemesis? Yes, yes we are.
- Time out, you’re telling me those two idiots were having sex with her wearing a nightie and him wearing boxers. Bull-fucking-shit. Gotta love network TV.
- Spooning Nick Jonas?
- Awkward gay spooning kinda rapey Nick Jonas.
- Emma Roberts is wearing Valentino heels. Don’t ask me how I know that.
- Thunder buddies get weird.
- I want to break up with this show.
- And that’s the most realistic breaking-in scene that I’ve ever watched.
- I do like it when the files you need to steal are conveniently labeled.
- The names you found in the file might be related?! Hold your horses there Nancy Drew.
- Killer fake out and false accusation….how unexpected.
- Wait, Grace isn’t the baby? I’m confused.
- Ohhhhh, plot twist. Gay Nick Jonas joining a sorority.
- Abigail Breslin is probably the least intimidating person in the world.
- Blahblahblah millennials suck blahblahblah. Real hot take there Ryan Murphy.
- “I have a thing for playlists.” What, are you 12 and just discovered music? Next you’re gonna tell me how good Nirvana and the Beatles were.
- “Bitch, I’m gonna slap you so hard your tampon is gonna fall out.” Solid.
- Niecy Nash being the voice of reason is fucking amazing.
- Oh man, why did Shondelle have to die?
- “Sunglasses at Night”, solid song choice.
- Gay Nick Jonas in a sorority was at least going to be interesting.
- Neckbrace is by far the least inspired pledge name.
- YES NICK JONAS IS ALIVE!!!!
- I just spent 120 minutes of my life watching this show, and I typed the phrase “YES NICK JONAS IS ALIVE!!!!”
- I hate you, Bilal.
Join me next week as I watch another episode of Scream Queens. Yay.
I detest nearly everything Ryan Murphy, save for the first few years of Nip / Tuck and parts of American Horror Story. Thanks for confirming my suspicions that this show is a giant steaming pile.
That was such an entertaining read. I’ll never watch the show but I’d read your reviews for the whole season! haha