‘Scream Queens’ Reaction: I Got 99 Problems and Bitches are Basically All of Them

Earlier, my editor messaged me to ask if I’m reviewing any shows this season. I told him no so he then asked if I could do him a favor. Being a writer with a bit too much time, I said sure. I’m a straight 28-year-old male who hates horror and Ryan Murphy shows (excluding seasons 1 and 2 of Glee–what? I have two ears and a heart). So of course, my editor convinced me to watch Scream Queens. I hate you, Bilal. I hate you so much. I hate horror and I hate Ryan Murphy.

“Do me a favor Terence, can you watch Scream Queens for me?”
“Sure. Of course.”

I hate you, Bilal. (Editor’s Note: I had no idea about any of this – Bilal)

Here are my reactions to the show in chronological order:

1. Ryan Murphy track record of shock shows: Nip/Tuck, American Horror Story, definitely not my shtick. Glee? OK. Never watched Popular or The New Normal.
2. Was “Waterfalls” the basic bitch song in 1995? Dunno, I was 8 at the time.
3. Cleanest sorority house I’ve ever seen.
4. Chanel? Her name is Chanel? What’s her middle name? Prada?
5. KKT? Was KKK too on the nose?
6. White Mammy, house slave, not okay.
7. Jamie Lee Curtis, thank god, someone who I don’t already hate.
8. Aren’t we playing a bit too into stereotypes here?
9. Spray Tan Acid, at least that was creative.
10. Nina Pedrad, amazing. I have a feeling the adults will carry this god forsaken show.
11. Diane Sawyer, KKT, lol.
12. Sideboob/White party, amazing.
13. Grace looks like she’s 25.
14. Game of Thrones/Sorority, y’know, except for less nudity, less intelligent writing, less character development, less Emmy’s, so nothing in common.
15. Grace: “Oh, my mom died there! I should definitely join!” I hope she dies first.
16. That is the biggest dorm room I’ve ever seen in my life.
17. Sassy Black roommate stereotype, Jesus, speak more jive Shaft.
18. And be more basic, Grace.
19. Cindy McCain, Megyn Kelly, really? What, no Ann Coulter?
20. Lea Michele? I guess if Ryan Murphy likes you, he likes you. Except you know, this time, her singing can’t cover up whatever drivel this is.
21. Candle Vlogger, points for creativity, Murphy.
22. Chad and Boone, bro-tastic names.
23. Oh psych majors. Us neuro majors laugh.
24. And golf bros. Fuck golf bros.
25. I would actually watch a Michael Bay directed rom-com. Do two explosions having sex make smaller explosions?
26. Though seriously, hippies are the worst.
27. Fatties and ethnics, I think I qualify as both?
28. Wrong way to pronounce “autumnal”, Emma Roberts.
29. Fake coffee place, the guy that takes your order does not make the coffee, be realistic Ryan Murphy.
30. Ok, Grace can’t act, and she looks like she’s 30.
31. Senorita Awesome, ok, and she can’t flirt either.
32. Poop smells like gingerbeer? Really bro?
33. Oh, you write for the school newspaper barista dude? How original.
34. Oooooh, convicted sex offender. Actually original.
35. I feel walking in heels is the only life skill these girls have mastered.
36. Oh, also, the actors playing the student roles are just terrible.
37. WTF WTF WTF
38. I hate you, Bilal.
39. These bitches are playing “face burned off by oil” way too chill. I work in an ER, this is not fucking normal.
40. And these pledges are way too eager to become accomplices to murder #2.
41. Jamie Lee Curtis, cougar, I can see it.
42. Academic blackmail for sex, ok, creativity points.
43. Jamie Lee Curtis is a goddess.
44. Correction, Jamie Lee Curtis is a golden goddess (…because I can’t destroy every phone in the world).
45. Grace sounds like every movie villain, “I have to take it over to change it for the better!!!”
46. OMG, why is this show more than an hour long?!
47. Oh look, the body is gone, what a surprise….*mysterious music*
48. Vega’s Pagan Page, hah!
49. Ok, I just heard Ariana Grande speak, now I want her to die first.
50. Abigail Breslin, aren’t you too good for this?
51. Well, the Devil can certainly text quickly.
52. Ok, the texting is actually great.
53. DREAMS COME TRUE. ARIANA GRANDE IS DEAD!!!
54. Dammit, spoke too soon. Red Devil, you’re a bitch. You’re wearing full body armor and a kick from a 70lb girl hurled you across the room.
55. Ok, she died anyways, thank goodness.
56. What, the devil doesn’t know he can delete a Facebook post?
57. Dugongs, that’s a good one.
58. “That sounds terrible.” Yes Asian Lesbian, I agree.
59. God, Grace really can’t act.
60. Oh gee, the perfect girl was neglected and all her horribleness is a way to compensate!!! WHAT AN ORIGINAL TROPE.
61. Pretty sure fatwas are just fatwas, there are no lists.
62. Ok, I love Taylor Swift, and deaf Taylor Swift was getting pretty annoying.
63. Bilal, I will only do these if Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t die.
64. Getting a real SVU vibe right now.
65. Holy contrived way to keep girls in a house Batman!
66. The fuck, who calls each other mom?
67. Niecy Nash, fuck yeah!
68. I want to hire KLJ Security for every occasion.
69. “Bien Fait” = “Well Done” (thanks Google Translate!) Foreshadowing for Grace?
70. Sigh, ‘plebe’ (from plebeian) is not pronounced pl-eeeeeeb.
71. Um, where did Grace get those red glasses?
72. What was that kiss? A contrived plot device!
73. Seriously, Jamie Lee Curtis is carrying this show. Everyone else is just set dressing.
74. Well, at least they opened the mystery door in episode 1, thank god for moving that along.
75. Are we witnessing Grace’s origin story told by her archnemesis? Yes, yes we are.
76. Time out, you’re telling me those two idiots were having sex with her wearing a nightie and him wearing boxers. Bull-fucking-shit. Gotta love network TV.
77. Spooning Nick Jonas?
78. Awkward gay spooning kinda rapey Nick Jonas.
79. Emma Roberts is wearing Valentino heels. Don’t ask me how I know that.
80. Thunder buddies get weird.
81. I want to break up with this show.
82. And that’s the most realistic breaking-in scene that I’ve ever watched.
83. I do like it when the files you need to steal are conveniently labeled.
84. The names you found in the file might be related?! Hold your horses there Nancy Drew.
85. Killer fake out and false accusation….how unexpected.
86. Wait, Grace isn’t the baby? I’m confused.
87. Ohhhhh, plot twist. Gay Nick Jonas joining a sorority.
88. Abigail Breslin is probably the least intimidating person in the world.
89. Blahblahblah millennials suck blahblahblah. Real hot take there Ryan Murphy.
90. “I have a thing for playlists.” What, are you 12 and just discovered music? Next you’re gonna tell me how good Nirvana and the Beatles were.
91. “Bitch, I’m gonna slap you so hard your tampon is gonna fall out.” Solid.
92. Niecy Nash being the voice of reason is fucking amazing.
93. Oh man, why did Shondelle have to die?
94. “Sunglasses at Night”, solid song choice.
95. Gay Nick Jonas in a sorority was at least going to be interesting.
96. Neckbrace is by far the least inspired pledge name.
97. YES NICK JONAS IS ALIVE!!!!
98. I just spent 120 minutes of my life watching this show, and I typed the phrase “YES NICK JONAS IS ALIVE!!!!”
99. I hate you, Bilal.

Join me next week as I watch another episode of Scream Queens. Yay.