The word “hospitality” is derived from the Latin hospes, meaning “host” or “guest.” Likewise, the word hospes is formulated from hostis, meaning “stranger.” The Latin word ‘hospital’ refers to guest-lodgings or an inn. Why do we need this briefing on the etymology of the word? For one, not all guests are the most welcomed, but we, in general, have a tendency to be sympathetic to the plights of others, especially if they are a friend that’s fallen on hard times. It is in this seventh episode of this season of What We Do In The Shadows (FX) titled “The Return” that we realize that hostis also has one additional meaning: “enemy.”
We open up on the streets of Staten Island, as Laszlo (Matt Berry) and Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) saunter back from a date-night at the “talkies,” of which they care little for. Suddenly, a disembodied voice emerges, calling out to Laszlo and beckoning both down into the sewers. I mean, call me old fashioned, but usually, nothing good can come out of the sewers unless they are four ass-kicking Testudines headed by a rat with pearls of wisdom in his back pocket. Yet, because the magic word “please” was deployed, Laszlo and Nadja continue underground. After being lead down a few corridors, sorry, “shit pipes” as the couple so labels them, they arrive at the source of the voice- Simon the fucking Devious (Nick Kroll).
Back at the house, Colin (Mark Proksch) is utilizing the internet for his own thirsty whims. No, it’s not porn but it’s equally addictive. It’s trolling. He finds that through social media and a wireless connection, energy can be culled from different people staring at blue-light and seeing red. Though the energy harvested through Colin’s constant trolling isn’t as pure and uncut through a vis-à-vis, having enough accounts simultaneously opened can do the trick. He’s certainly on his goddamned game, too. “Jesus hates horses”, “Jason Mraz is just too weird for me” and “Childhood obesity? LMFO” are but a few of the gems he’s doled out. True, he’d forgotten one vowel in his last bon mot, but what he lacks in being hip he certainly makes up for in creativity insofar as going the incel route with “Women are getting too tall.”
Back in the sewers, behind the keys of a piano, seemingly playing it, Laszlo and Nadja are reintroduced to Count Rapula (Michael Dara) and Simon’s other flank, Carol (Christine Ebadi), a ghastly hissing bug-eyed vampire who looks like she was born from the very shit pipes she now resides in. So yeah, that’s basically the extent of Simon’s crew as the rest presumably perished in the night club explosion last season.
Simon turns off his Zune filled with piano music and we’re left questioning his intent. I mean, his honorific is “the Devious,” so is he truly down on his luck? For one, he looks relatively malnourished and does feel humbled and ashamed, going from being King of the Manhattan Vampires to living in the sewers of Staten Island. Nadja takes notice and offers Simon an invite to drop by the house to say hi to Nandor. Bad move.
At the house, Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) is immediately put off the table for the three guests. In Nandor’s (Kayvan Novak) words, he’s analogous to the last donut in a display case- nobody wants to eat him. Harsh words, though Carol has taken an interest in him nevertheless as he’s forced to show Carol his living arrangements.
The gang heads into the bowels of the house to find a spare coffin for Simon but instead runs into Vampire Elvis (Shawn Wayne Klush), who Laszlo turned back in the 1970s. It turns out the room they were going to put up their guests in is used from time to time as a recording studio for the King. Hey, the King of Manhattan is dead. Long live the King. Regardless, Simon seems very grateful for them even considering to be going through this trouble for him.
Nadja feels guilty but only because they are in this position because of Laszlo and his hexed headwear. He assures her that it’s lost to the aether, but we know better.
It seems as though outside of Simon, nobody is getting a win tonight. Colin becoming increasingly peeved, as a user is staving people off of his engagement of them and getting the stable of accounts suspended. They say “don’t feed the trolls” and this is really fucking up Colin’s supper time as this anonymous user has been watching War Games, telling others essentially the only winning move is not to play. This has Colin vexed, as now the hunter’s now become the prey.
Elsewhere in the abode, Laszlo’s hot on Simon’s trail. He knows that his guest maybe homeless and he maybe emaciated, but he ain’t a simpleton. And just at the moment of catching his rival red-handed, his cynism justified at the zenith of his pride… Bat eats Crow. As luck would have it, Simon was simply making a gesture of appreciation in the form of a bat sculpture formed from sewer trash because others had abandoned him and these guys didn’t. Turns out the only one standing alone right now is Laszlo.
Later, when the house is in a state of quietude with everyone nestled in their coffins, Guillermo gets a surprise visit from Carol. She knows what he is and confronts him about it. Slayer. Though denying it, he cannot deny the power of Carol’s his which sends him tumbling down the stairs. Colin hears it and is curious to check on him, but is simply roped back into his flame war with a human nerd.
Checking on the situation wouldn’t help anyway, as Carol is intent on outing the house Familiar. Not that he wants to, but when cornered, Guillermo can dispatch anyone in his path, as displayed by a wooden broomstick sticking to his hand like a magnet to its mate and like clockwork making short work of Carol, rendering her to a pile of dust. Just before he can make any sense of this, Master is right by his side and Guillermo has no reason to hide the truth about this one death on his hands… or technically, on the rug.
Nandor knows the severity of this and advises Guillermo not to tell a soul. This isn’t because of him trying to protect his Familiar but rather to protect his own image, as it would reflect back on him as a vampire, but on the bright side, should this come to light (hissss), it will be the first time a vampire is reflected on anything!
It’s now daylight and as Guillermo shamefully cleans his mess up, Colin is looking to make one. Though a little woozy due to lack of energy, the energy sucker continues on through Uber to Medford, Massachusetts, where through a series of hacks and backdoors, he was able to pinpoint a location. Oh, plus, his online nemesis actually sent him an address to get his ass handed at.
At the house, Simon has the temerity for calling a house meeting. Having a three-pronged approach to this, as he begins with a thank you to his hosts, informs them that Carol has left his side and questions Laszlo about his Witch Hat. Feeling vindicated in his suspicions, Laszlo goads Simon on by wearing it. Not standing for any of this Simon engages in a game of capture the flag. I guess the puckering of a witch’s anus on the back of your skull is totally worth the price of admission of having kept the hat… which Nadja does NOT like.
As dusk falls on the sleepy town of Medford, Colin has arrived at the currently closed cafe. Just about when he comes to his wits and aborts the mission due to its pettiness, he is invited to meet his online anal polyp in the alleyway. It turns out his troll is an actual… troll, swinging cudgel and all (and we ain’t talking about a club.) His name is Chunt (Michael-Misha Sinkovsky) and Colin’s been just as annoying to him, as the term “trolling” as an internet colloquialism is extremely offensive and he will let his vampire pain in the ass know.
Back in the sewers, what turns out to be a long night only gets longer. Simon lives up to his name, as he has remnants of his crew back, including Gunthrapal, Klaglad the Exsanguinator, Wesley Sykes, Impusa, the Freak Sisters (not related), Ken (the zombie of his former accountant) and three new additions: Neil, Patrick, and Harris. Oh, let’s not forget the traitorous Vampire Elvis. The one not joining the fray? Carol (may she R.est I.n the T.rash).
Elsewhere, Colin’s name had transformed into David as he slew the Goliath of an enemy (dude’s like 5 times his size!) with history about bridges, because, as if using Chunt’s race against him weren’t enough, he might be going on old stereotypes.
Simon reveals his true intent for coveting the hat- he wants what Laszlo and Nadja have which is happiness and love through settling. He reveals that his crew doesn’t satisfy him anymore and in a twisted sense of logic wants a new drug, one of which Laszlo possesses. Before that high can hit though, he’s immediately married to the curse, as he becomes one with the sewer, drowning in the waste of others. His crew won’t help him, as they feel betrayed. His name is Simon the Devious! Did nobody else put it into their mental bank before befriending him?!
As dawn approaches in the town of Medford, Colin’s victory is within his sights as trolls turn to stone with the sunlight. However, as any troll needs to get the last jab in, mere moments into his turning to stone, Chunt gets the last laugh as he grabs Colin, suspending him. He may not have won the war, but he won the battle and isn’t that what trolls ultimately care about?
