Even the most pedestrian of people have goals. Some of them shoot for the stars and make it, but many DON’T.
To be fair, even taking the leap is commendable, as we only have one life to live, and though some are egregiously full of themselves, only living for the moment, like base jumpers, bank robbers, or club owners… DON’T.
Welcome to the tertiary episode of “What We Do In The Shadows” (FX) titled The Grand Opening.
DON’T.
At the erstwhile Vampiric Council Headquarters, a queue is forming for Nadja’s (Natasia Demetriou) opening night.
The stars are aligned with Grundwulf and Frau Blixen is among the attendees of this monumental local event.
Ahh, but she’s one trick up her sleeve as if this shit couldn’t be more exciting… She has none other than Richie Suck, the Kanye West of the vampires performing! I mean, with albums like Bitin’ My Style, Sundown Funtown and Throat Juice, he’s been a recluse and his countenance has been missing for years.
Nadja takes full credit for making this all come together, and why shouldn’t she? It was her dream, after all. By the way, if vampires are the undead, do they actually dream? Blood for thought.
While getting the crowd pumped up for one of the vampiric world’s most vaunted guests ever to christen (hisss) a stage, she also reminds them that he may be a little late… ugh, typical Richie.
She double-checks the ins and outs of the venue, but before the doors splay to one of the most legendary openings this side of the Hudson River, she checks on Nandor (Kayvan Novak) sulking. I mean, if there were anybody to tank a floating ship, it’s a vampire and a war within.
It turns out that Nandor made his wife so perfect, that he’s (c)hiding his own imperfections. Nadja cures that with a swift ‘level up’ speech, which isn’t the most sound advice, especially to someone whose honorific is “Relentless”.
Perfection in itself is a form of anxiety. I suffer from it, so game recognizes game. However, he immediately rushes to remedy the situation with zero thought of ramifications.
Speaking of things going right, things have taken a left with Richie Suck canceling the gig, prompting Nadja and The Guide (Kristen Schaal) to make an impromptu visit to his tower.
(Oh, he has a literal tower).
Though his familiar, Doctor Tom (Fred Armisen) initially doesn’t let them in, Richie grants them permission to enter.
Nadja wishes to speak to Richie all by herself, but Tom stands between her and the event that could push her over the top in rulership.
Meanwhile, Baby Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) has been living his best life. He’s now a content creator.
Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) is even astounded by his rate of growth in stature and intelligence.
Laszlo (Matt Berry) is repulsed by the boy’s eschewing finer arts and culture for something more… plebeian.
Gizmo insists it makes the ‘kid’ happy and that he’s flourishing at a shocking rate, but it comes at a price to his mentor. He’s taken in musical theatre.
Though Lazzie believes that is the ‘art’ of the unwashed masses with fewer brain cells than an amoeba, both he and Guillermo are supportive…
Well, maybe not so much Laszlo, because, at Snug Harbor Museum in Staten Island, the dandy fucker attempts to teach his boy to thieve art so as to erase his clever citings of Sondheim songs or know what “knolling” means in exchange for danger.
It really doesn’t matter much though.
Once in the house of antiquities, though Laszlo goes full Catherine Zeta-Jones with the lasers, all Baby Colin wants to prattle on about is how he converted a Stranger Things set into the Music Man set.
I mean, that’s pretty fucking creative and will honestly come in handy during the later episodes!
At the Vampire Residence, Nandor ruminates on how he could be a better fiance. This starts with a wish… to have the world’s biggest cock.
What ensues is a time-out with Guillermo trying to rationalize a wish, seeing as though a djinn (Anoop Desai) may be tricky in nature.
At the tower, Nadja plies Richie (Affion Crockett) with virgin blood. His familiar, basically playing the role as his advisor like the Colonel did Elvis, denies him the payment. It’s like his addiction.
With his Familiar manipulating his Master in order to perform, ‘they’ stipulate only new material at twice the price.
Here comes DJ Tom Schmidt… and his jazz trio, Jazzmen 3.
They both want him dead, but the show must go on, as they say in the biz.
Because Lazzo doesn’t want the night to be a complete ‘suck’, he’s forced Child Colin Robinson into a dumpster with the proviso that he’s not allowed freedom until six rats have expired under his hand.
In defiance, Colin’s found discarded Playbills and his papa ain’t happy.
At the homestead, as the djinn and Nandor work out the metrics of his dick, and though the djinn tries to throw Nandor’s turn of phrases on him, his advisor, Guillermo is there to have his back…
At the club, as the Jazz trio is warming up and the crowd is growing cold, Richie is on the side, stage shy. Tom’s taken his will to create, to rock, to rule.
Nadja pumps that energy back into him with a bit of a pep talk as to who truly is the Master and brings him back to the rapper he USED TO BE.
While the finalities of the wish are being settled, Marwa (Parisa Fakhri) reminds Nandor that Richie Suck is performing at the club, and ironically enough, the djinn’s cousin granted a wish to get the guy Five Mics in the Source. Kanye much?
En route to the nightclub, Laszlo reveals why he’s so frustrated with Colin’s situation. When he was a boy, he had but two things: his nanny and a piano. His father took them both and supplanted them with boarding school and hard knocks.
Boiling down to it, Laszlo resorts to the fact that Colin is in his mind going to grow up to be ‘boring’, but isn’t phased by it.
In rounding out negotiations for dick size, Guillermo amends the wish by not having everyone else in the world micro-phalluses. I mean, it’s a djinn’s nature to fuck with people based on their desires to teach them a lesson, and though the djinn finds Guillermo’s cunning incisive, he’s still got a mark.
In thanking his familiar for having his back, Nandor’s ‘wish’ to think of him whenever he fucks will bite him in the ass in ‘hindsight’.
With the Jazzmen 3 boiling up the club and not in a good way, Nandor tells Guillermo that his unwitting wish isn’t working out so hot.
Nadja pumps up the crowd by leading into the one and only Richie Suck. Her departing words for him before he takes the stage is to free himself.
The atmosphere is hot and what ensues is him tossing his Familiar to the crowd to be demolished by the crowd.
Richie’s pumped and wants to do new material.
Comedy flourishes and dies here.
It’s so bad, they actually want the jazz back!
Has anybody remembered laughter?
When Nadja tries to wrest the mic and cool down the situation, the crowd grows even more surly, shoving her into the fray.
Before things can escalate more, hark! An angelic voice comes from the stage!
It’s Colin Robinson, belting out a Cole Porter tune, which the jazz trio and the walkers of the night are hip to.
Though Nadja is repulsed, she understands that bloodsuckers love child acts, perhaps pining for better times.
It matters nothing of what the owner thinks, as he’s going to keep that club afloat!
